In my last post, I described clinical studies upending the myth that nice men are at a disadvantage when dating. Research finds that women value kindness in men even more than good looks—though they do appreciate a handsome face.
Do men share these values when seeking female partners? Research indicates that they do—though not quite as much.
An article in Evolutionary Biology called “Selflessness is Sexy” describes research finding that both men and women seeking long-term relationships were more attracted to people whose interests were altruistic rather than neutral.
In the study, researchers asked heterosexual individuals to rate the attractiveness of members of the opposite sex. Participants viewed pictures of individuals alongside lists of their interests. For example, some women would see a picture of a man named Daniel that noted that one of his interests was being an unpaid mentor for disruptive children. Other women saw a card that was identical except for one detail—instead of saying Daniel helped kids it said he really likes the science-fiction show Torchwood.
When asked to consider these individuals as long-term partners, both men and women found the individuals who engaged in altruistic endeavors as significantly more attractive. However, the halo effect didn’t work when the participants were asked to consider short-term relationships. Engaging in altruistic behavior only boosted men’s desirability slightly, and it didn’t help women at all.
An article in the British Journal of Psychology describes research examining the impact of another pro-social behavior on attractiveness: trustworthiness.
In the study, heterosexual university students were asked to rate the desirability of opposite-sex individuals for either short or long-term relationships. They viewed video clips of the individuals and learned how they behaved in an economic game designed to measure trustworthiness.
Obviously attractiveness (as measured by a prior survey) and trustworthiness both boosted an individual’s desirability, especially in the context of long-term relationships. What intrigued researchers was the size of the attractiveness boost that individuals got when they were trustworthy—and vice versa. Both were greater than the sum of their parts. To the researchers, this news was mixed: “Ironically, according to folk wisdom, possessing a good character may compensate for a lack of physical attractiveness. Unfortunately however, while our results show that pro-sociality can indeed increase individuals’ desirability as a romantic partner, they also suggest that this is especially true for those who are already physically attractive in the first place,” they write.
Life is not completely fair, but you knew that already. Still, the research is clear that if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, it pays to be a good egg.
Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.
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Several years ago I spoke with a woman who had recently moved to a new town and had joined a fitness group in the community. The woman was single but everyone else in the group was married. Shortly after she introduced herself she mentioned that she had just ended a relationship.
In truth though, she hadn’t had a romantic partner for seven years. The woman said she didn’t like being dishonest, but at the same time the fib served the purpose she intended: She didn’t have to explain herself. “I didn’t want to have to deal with their questions or concerned looks if I told them it had been seven years. Saying I had just gotten out of something meant that we could move on,” she explained.
I understand the impulse. As I say in my book, It’s Not You, I had been unattached for eight years before my husband and I met, and when I would share this information sometimes people would give me a puzzled look. I got the sense that they wanted me to present an explanation for this—to say that I wasn’t interested in finding a partner or that I was too busy with my career.
But these things weren’t true. I wanted to be in a romantic relationship, and I put a lot of effort into finding a partner. It just … wasn’t happening.
I felt really embarrassed about this, and deeply uncomfortable whenever anyone asked how long it had been since my last relationship. I bought into the idea that there had to be some reason, some fatal flaw that kept me from finding a partner. After all, eight years of failing at something is a long time.
I’ve now been married to my husband Mark for nine years, and I see it differently. A completely arbitrary set of circumstances led to our meeting each other. There was nothing I could have done to make it happen; it just did. During the many years prior to meeting him, I wasn’t failing to meet the right person. I was just exercising the good judgment to not get involved with the wrong ones.
I’m sure I made plenty of mistakes along the way. I probably overlooked some terrific men because I wasn’t ready or just oblivious. The odds are also fairly high that I did dumb or inconsiderate things that put off other great guys. I’m sure I could have done better. But whatever mistakes I made weren’t fatal—they were just human.
If you’ve been searching for a partner for a long time, it’s natural to feel frustrated. It’s natural to want to examine yourself and your behavior and ask what you’re doing wrong. That can be useful—for example, if you find that your social circle has remained unchanged since college, it’s probably a good idea to shake things up.
Just don’t play the blame or shame game. Instead, take credit for what you’ve done right. If you haven’t been in a relationship in a long time, then that means that you haven’t been in a bad relationship for a long time. Not everyone can say that.
We all have flaws and limitations. But we also have strengths. When I was single I had an unfortunate tendency to focus on the former but I think we would all—no matter what our relationship status—do well to focus on the latter. When you find the right person they will see your limitations, but they will be far more interested in your strengths—your compassion, your terrific sense of humor. They will focus on those qualities, and you should too.
Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.
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I frequently receive emails from men repeating a familiar complaint. Why do women always fall for jerks? Why do they always overlook nice guys, like me?
“Nice guys finish last” is a saying so deeply embedded in our culture that many of us accept it without question. But when it comes to dating at least, research shows it isn’t true. Studies of heterosexual women’s dating preferences show that kindness is an asset, not a liability.
In a fascinating study published in the journal Sex Roles, researchers had women play a dating game where they could chose between two men, “Todd” and “Michael.” The women saw the men’s pictures and read the answers that both men gave to various questions. Then they selected which one they preferred.
When conducting their evaluations, every woman in the study saw the same picture and answers depicting Michael, who was presented as a fairly plain man who gave inoffensive middle-of-the-road answers to the questions. But there six different versions of Todd. For half the women, Todd’s picture was very handsome; for the other half his looks were on a par with Michael’s. (Studies like these use surveys to find a rough consensus on which pictures people find attractive.) There were also three different Todd personalities revealed by the answers to the questions—“nice Todd,” “neutral Todd,” and “jerk Todd.”
By examining which versions of Todd the women preferred to Michael, they were able to answer the age-old dating question: what matters more, looks or personality?
Not surprisingly, handsome and nice Todd was the clear winner. All other things being equal, the study revealed that being good-looking provides a distinct advantage when dating. I know—shocker.
But being good-looking was not as important as being nice. When Todd had a nice or neutral personality, women preferred handsome Todd over Michael. When handsome Todd had a jerky personality women were not swayed by good looks; they opted for plain-looking Michael instead. “Being attractive made Todd a more desirable partner when he was nice or neutral, but it was still a huge disadvantage when he was a jerk,” the researchers wrote.
The study revealed some other interesting things about how women perceive niceness. The women also rated “nice Todd” as being more intelligent and more easygoing than Michael. Nice Todd was seen as just as exciting and funny as jerk Todd (though less than neutral Todd). “Generally, the nicer Todd was portrayed, the more desirable he was perceived,” the researchers wrote.
A later study published in Evolutionary Psychology reveals similar findings. In that study, researchers found that women considering men for long-term relationships valued altruism more than physical attractiveness. Women looked at pictures of men with varying degrees of attractiveness alongside scenarios that showed the men behaving altruistically or not. When given the choice between a less attractive man who was altruistic or a more attractive man who wasn’t altruistic, more women chose the nicer, less hot guy. “This suggests that if a man possesses only one of these traits, it is altruism that is more valuable, particularly for LT relationships,” say the authors, who note that the altruism effect didn’t work when women considered short-term relationships.
The upshot: If you’re a man seeking a long-term relationship with a woman, being conventionally good-looking always helps. However, it is less important than being kind. And the great news is, being nice doesn’t require winning any kind of genetic lottery. Kindness is a choice you can always make, a quality you can continue to cultivate and grow.
Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.
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There is a book I love by Lauren Winner. It’s called Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis, and is about the ways she drifted from faith and found it again, slowly and differently, in the year after her mother died and her married ended. When I think about being single at Thanksgiving, I think about one small essay from this book. She is celebrating Thanksgiving with her family just a couple of weeks after she has moved out of the house she and her almost ex husband shared. There have been deaths and illnesses and some hard things in the family, besides her own hard time. She brings a poem to read. It is this one, by W. S. Merwin:
Thanks
Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridges to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water thanking it
standing by the windows looking out
in our directions
back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks we are saying thank you
in the faces of the officials and the rich
and of all who will never change
we go on saying thank you thank you
with the animals dying around us
taking our feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
thank you we are saying and waving
dark though it is
She loves this poem, loves the idea that humans continue to say thank you even when everything is hard and going wrong and things are actually very tragic. She hopes that her family will think these things, too, in fact, she is waiting for them to applaud her choice, but then her aunt says: “Well, that was bleak” and everyone goes back to eating their pie.
I think what I love the most about this short essay is simply this: it’s a lovely idea to talk about being thankful in all things, in the face of muggings and hospitals and seemingly endless evenings alone when you would rather not be. But sometimes it just sucks, and those times often correspond to the holidays when it seems like everyone has someone except you. Sometimes, we don’t have to pull out our gratitude journals and wrack our brains for what we’re thankful for. Sometimes, it’s just bleak.
You have other things in your life, of course, and I’m guessing you’re even thankful for them most of the time. But this year, I’m giving you a pass. This year you don’t have to be performative about how okay you are. This year, it’s okay if you don’t feel like being thankful for another year in which you don’t have to fight anyone for leftovers. Sometimes singleness is just bleak. Sometimes it isn’t beautiful and redemptive. Sometimes it’s just hard.
The other thing I love about that essay is that sometimes you really are in that space where you can see the beauty in the hard things. This poem serves as a wonderful reminder that the human spirit is indomitable. One person’s bleak can be another person’s place of wonder. It all depends on the timing. It all depends on where you are in the process. This year, just be where you are. Sometimes that is enough to be thankful for.
About the author: Cara Strickland writes about food and drink, mental health, faith and being single from her home in the Pacific Northwest. She enjoys hot tea, good wine, and deep conversations. She will always want to play with your dog. Connect with her on Twitter @anxiouscook.
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Another Friday night rolls around and you know what that means: dinner and a movie or just staying at home with your date. Somewhere along the way, what was once scintillating has become a so-so experience.
If this sounds like you and you’ve found yourself in a dating rut, it may be time to step back and examine your dating “why.” Rediscovering your dating purpose might put the passion back in your dating life. Read on for some inspiration to get your game back on track.
While it’s important to rediscover your purpose, that doesn’t mean it’s time to get serious. It’s perfectly reasonable to date for the fun of it. Try taking your date to new places. Have you always wanted to try that ax-throwing joint? Now’s the time! Don’t forget that dating is the perfect format for trying new things. Even if the relationship doesn’t last, the memories will.
Romance is a source of sensual satisfaction, but it can also be so much more than that. It can also be a rich source of emotional, mental, emotional, and intellectual challenges. If you’re looking for a sparring mate—someone who can do the Sunday morning crossword puzzle with you or beat your best marathon time— keep that in mind before you agree to meet up for coffee. If you enjoy a challenge, you won’t be happy until you meet your match.
Maybe you didn’t start out looking for lifelong love. But somewhere along the way, your motive has changed. It’s important to take inventory in your wants and needs. A summer fling might have felt right last year, but this year it’s left you wanting more. Just make sure that you’re clear with whoever you’re dating when your purpose changes, so that everyone is on the same page.
One of the most satisfying aspects of a romantic relationship is developing an enduring friendship. Ask any couple who has celebrated their 50-year anniversary, and they’ll tell you that feelings of romance may fade, but friendship is the bedrock that never erodes. This is a wonderful motivation for dating.
Sometimes the best reason for dating isn’t getting to know the person across the table—it’s getting to know yourself. Self-knowledge is key to any successful relationship. Through dating, you will learn your wants, needs, desires, and interests.
We all lose touch with our motives sometimes. In love, as in the rest of life, it’s important to take stock of what matters to you and clarify your dating “why.”
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When I write about issues that affect singles, I often discuss the importance of being around happy couples. By spending time with couples who actually like each other and treat each other well, you are watching other men and women model how to make a relationship work. What’s more, these couples provide living proof that good relationships exist. Hanging out with happy couples helps give your faith a boost, especially when you start to question when –and if – a happy relationship will materialize for you. When spending time with couples, take a few minutes at some point to ask a few questions about their relationship experience.
“Looking back, was your partner the type you imagined yourself ending up with?”
Couples have a lot of interesting stories about what they imagined when each of them was single. Often, members of successful long-term relationships report that the person they ended up with wasn’t the type they originally envisioned. Perhaps he was a bit older or she dressed differently;perhaps he was nerdier or she was more social.
Happy couples often find that they end up settling down with someone who has a passion or hobby they never would have imagined in their partner: a motorcyclist, a musician, or someone who plays a particular sport. Ask happy couples you know about whether the type of person they ended up with fit the type they had envisioned for themselves, and you will get some interesting answers.
“Were there arguments or significant conflicts in the first few months of dating?”
If you ask only one or two of my suggested questions, make this question one of them. Ask a happy couple you know whether there were days or nights with feelings of confusion, sadness or anger; ask whether there were any tears shed in the first month or two, or whether each member of the couple had significant insecurity about whether the dating relationship would last. Listening carefully to their answers – and the answers will skew heavily toward one end of the yes/no spectrum – and think about how much patience you have in relationships for emotional drama and conflict.
“When you were single, what was the main thing you were looking for in someone?”
As a psychologist, I believe few things are as valuable as feedback from those you trust. Even if you might not love feeling vulnerable, open yourself up to others’ feedback because we can learn from others. Ask someone in a happy, long-term couple what traits they were looking for most when they were dating and choosing among prospective partners. The likelihood is that he or she was prioritizing the traits or characteristics that matter most because good relationships don’t just “happen” or appear magically. The way to a good relationship is through good romantic decisions.By interviewing someone who knows how to exist in a good relationship, you are getting data from someone who knows how to make good romantic decisions. You can use this information to influence your own romantic investments.
“Did you ever worry you might not find someone?”
Being single, as a rule, doesn’t have to be awful, but there are some undeniably awful things about it. For one, it’s inevitable to question from time to time whether there is actually someone out there for you. When you have no proof, it can be easy to lose faith. Asking people in happy, long-term relationships whether they, too, ever had this feeling may yield surprising results. You may be surprised to find how many people in happy couples felt the same doubts you may feel now.
Ask for One Nugget of Advice
While you’re asking questions, include one that speaks to specific advice. Ask a question along these lines: “If you gave single people one piece of relationship advice, what would it be?” “Could you tell me the one thing I should look for in a partner above all else?” “What is one of the main mistakes you think singles make when they make their dating decisions?”
The Takeaway
Spending time with successful long-term couples is a winning strategy for singles. Happy couples can inspire us to keep the faith in relationships, and they model how to make a successful relationship work. Having such couples close can be helpful, and asking them for advice and wisdom can provide you with data you can use in your own dating life. Make a commitment to ask at least two or three of these questions, and you will find that the exercise helps you become wiser and more aware.
Dr. Seth is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
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There’s plenty of advice out there on how to get over a breakup, but what about those situations in which you have to let go of someone you were interested in and barely know? Maybe you developed feelings for someone who you chatted with online for a couple of weeks, but then it fizzled prior to the first date. Or you were really excited about someone who you went out with a handful of times but it never led to anything serious and your feelings weren’t reciprocated. Maybe this person caught your attention and you can’t stop your mind from thinking about what could have been. Regardless of the specifics, you may find yourself obsessing about this person and feeling stuck. Getting over someone you didn’t have the opportunity to date or someone you didn’t date for very long can still be a challenging and emotional journey.
1. First and foremost, be compassionate with yourself as you process the rejection. What’s important here is allowing yourself to feel the pain of rejection without getting stuck or avoiding how you feel. Rejection stings. Loss hurts. Even though you might feel silly being so invested in someone you don’t know well, the truth is being rejected by someone you never met or barely know can also be upsetting, especially if you had high hopes. It’s natural to feel disappointed when something potentially exciting doesn’t work out. Give yourself permission to acknowledge your feelings without judgment. This will also take a toll on your confidence. If you are able to feel your emotions, they will pass sooner and you can move on and date with a clean slate.
2. Acknowledge how your feelings for this person are based mostly on fantasy. As mentioned above, you are allowed to feel upset about the relationship not taking off or missing an opportunity to get to know someone you believe could be your ideal person. However, it is important to note that the majority of your feelings toward this person and your ideas about them are coming from your own narrative. It’s likely you’re romanticizing what it would be like to date this person, making them more appealing than in reality. Our brains don’t do well with uncertainty, and we’re very good at theorizing, guessing and creating stories. So, many of your assumptions and fantasies are based on your mind due to gaps in concrete information. Give yourself a reality check and remind yourself you are allowed to feel let down, but much of your interest in this person may be fueled by your perception. In fact, this person may actually be closer to stranger status than friend status. Much of what you may be fantasizing about may not be accurate, so letting go of your thoughts and addressing how they impact your feelings, are crucial steps in moving on.
3. Understand focusing on a specific person will keep you closed to others and interfere with being present for other conversations and dates. Obsessing about one particular person is bound to leave you less receptive to other potential partners. You may be tempted to avoid dating altogether or feel generally unmotivated. If you do go on dates, you may be closed, distracted, uninterested or just going through the motions, not really giving your dates a fair opportunity to get to know you. You may compare every potential partner to the person you are trying to get over, causing you to be extra picky and hard on others. Having the awareness that all of the above outcomes may occur if you are stuck on one person is essential in taking the steps to move on and let go. This awareness will also help you catch yourself engaging in these habits.
4. Move toward acceptance, put yourself out there and don’t give up on your dating and relationship goals. Allow yourself to grieve, feel upset and unmotivated, and take a break from dating if you need time to heal and readjust your expectations. Have acceptance as your goal. Letting go of this person may feel like a temporary setback, but staying aligned with your goals and values will lead to confidence and intentional action.
Getting over someone you didn’t know well may not be the same level of heartbreak as the end of a long-term relationship, but it can still feel challenging. Responding to your thoughts and feelings in healthy ways, and giving yourself a reality check when you catch yourself in a fantasy world, will help ease your suffering and allow you to get back out there.
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Meet Jaimie Seaton. She’s a writer and editor who’s been published in The Washington Post, Oprah’s O Magazine, and Marie Claire. She’s also a divorced mother of two teenagers navigating the dating world. We caught up with her to find out what it’s like dating as a divorced parent.
I live in New England. I’ve been technically divorced since 2016, but my husband actually left me in 2012. It took us a while to finalize the legal part. My children are now 19 and 16, so my son is at home while my daughter is away at college. I’m 54 years old and I was 34 when I married my ex-husband, so I’ve dated quite a lot.
I definitely believe there is a learning curve with dating after a marriage ends. In the beginning I was really hopeful and optimistic, and that made me very open. I think I was naive in that I assumed that I would take up dating where I left off, but I stopped dating in my early thirties. I was not the same person at 47. I had baggage, children, a routine and responsibilities. But it was refreshing because all the men I dated had the same issues. So dating was a whole other ballgame.
At this point, I am much more realistic about dating- about who I am and who my potential partners are. The years of middle-age dating taught me that there are a lot of men out there who aren’t healthy enough to date or don’t have the best intentions. I’m sure men will say the same thing about women. It’s tough out there, period.
The difference is that my children always enter into the equation. For instance, I won’t date a man who doesn’t have children, because only parents can truly appreciate that my children come first. For instance, if I have to cancel a date at the last minute because of something with my children, I know a parent will understand just as I would understand if a man cancels on me.
Also, when I was younger the possibilities were endless. There were so many men and I had so much time. Now I come with two children who I always put first. I know that there are not endless possibilities; there are actually few possibilities. In some ways that makes me less picky. I really want to find a partner for the rest of my life, and I realize that the person may not be perfect in every way. They may not offer everything on my wish list – and that’s okay. I’m not going to offer everything on their list. I’m looking for the bigger picture. Do we share enough traits? Can I see myself making room for him in my life?
Jamie Seaton. Photo by Morgan Lieberman © 2018 All Rights Reserved
The first concern is safety. After that, it’s not having a revolving door of men. Children are naturally protective of their parents. I don’t want my children to have to experience every nuance of my dating life. That’s a big emotional investment for them, and they have their own emotions to take care of. Now that they are teenagers, I do tell them about dates, but they never meet them. I wouldn’t bring someone home unless we were getting serious.
I’m not sure if this has to do with being a divorced woman. I’m surprised at how much the men I date bad-mouth their ex-wives on the first date. It’s definitely not the first thing I want to hear about. It’s never good form to bad-mouth the mother of your children, even if it was a tough divorce. I’m also surprised that when I tell men about the unusually good relationship I have with my ex-husband, it seems to bother them. To me, the goal in divorce should be an amicable relationship, so I don’t understand why it would threaten someone.
My advice would be to go very slowly and be cautious. When we are first going through a divorce our emotions are all over the place. It’s not the best time to make big decisions. Our judgment might be a little off. Men are going through the same thing. It can take a long time to get over a divorce. My advice is to be patient with yourself, don’t rush into anything; don’t believe everything someone tells you. Take care of your own heart, but try to stay open.
The most upsetting part of dating at this age for me has been how little the men seem to care about the date. I always get dressed up for a first date. I want to look pretty and make a good impression. With very few exceptions, the men I’ve dated don’t seem to care. I’ve been on dates where the man showed up in workout clothes. The message it sends is that I’m not important enough to put in the effort. It’s a huge turnoff.
The second thing I’ve been shocked at is that men my age don’t want to pay for dates. I understand the younger generation splitting the tab, but on a first date, I expect my date to pay. If the man can’t afford a fancy dinner, he can invite me for a drink, or even a cup of coffee and a walk. The cost isn’t important; it’s the effort and thought behind the date. The last three dates I’ve had all expected me to pay for my half, which was embarrassing and insulting. Needless to say, I didn’t go out with any of them again.
Connect with Jaimie through her writer pages on Twitter and Facebook.
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After reading the title of this article, you instantly know who I’m talking about. The so-called life of the party exists in every town and city across the globe, and a few characteristics neatly define them. The life of the party: always looks fun, upbeat and happy; is gregarious and has social skills that could put a senator to shame; is extroverted and craves social interaction with groups; and is often both physically and emotionally appealing on the surface.
Given this constellation of traits and behaviors, what’s it like to date the life of the party? Moreover, what’s it like to have a long-term monogamous relationship with said person? If the answer were a headline in a newspaper (remember those?), it would read “Definite Costs and Benefits.” In other words, there are major advantages and disadvantages to dating the life of the party, and I’ll give comprehensive examples of both.
Their social skills are exceptional. If there were a school for social skills, these individuals didn’t just graduate; they were Class President, Valedictorian and voted Most Likely to Succeed. Social settings are where these men and women flourish. They can talk to anyone and put the most anxious individuals at ease. These men and women are highly attuned to the personalities and emotional needs of others, and they thrive when interacting with large groups.
They are positive and hopeful, and they don’t dwell on anything negative. We could all use a little more optimism in our lives, right? Each of us has enough challenges or problems to deal with that a dose of positive energy can be extremely helpful in our daily lives. When you date someone who’s the life of the party, you can spend practically every day around that good cheer!
Sometimes you’ll wish it were just the two of you. While dating someone with so many social gifts is unquestionably fun and exciting at times, it can also be a little exhausting. The life of the party, by definition, is always looking for a, uh, party, and parties and group gatherings can be wonderful. But most men and women like a fair amount of “down” time, or time to regroup and chill. If you date the life of the party, there will probably be a number of times in the future when you wish it were just the two of you, but others somehow are always invited to join.
The life of the party doesn’t act like the life of the party all the time. In many cases, the life of the party explodes onto a social scene with energy that could lift off a rocket. Yet the life of the party can’t keep up that kind of energy all day long. This means that social groups may get the best, most fun version of your date, while you see the quieter, more withdrawn side of your date behind closed doors. People often feel like there are two different sides to the life-of-the-party personality, and they sometimes wish the person they were dating just had one of those sides.
Certain types can be happy in a relationship with the life of the party – but only certain types.
Let me be clear: while the life of the party is not for everyone, there are scores of men and women who could be perfectly fine and happy in a relationship with this type of personality. If you’re going to date the life of the party happily, you can’t need to be the center of attention; you won’t care if most people seem more interested in talking to your date than you in a group setting; you can’t be insecure; you can’t be controlling; and you can’t be a jealous type. The person who fits well with the life of the party is someone who is patient, independent and easygoing.
Drawing boundaries with the life of the party is crucial to making the relationship work.
Because the life of the party is so social, individuals who date this type of personality will need to draw boundaries from time to time. Specifically, you may occasionally need to say, “Tonight for dinner, I would like to spend some quiet, one-on-one time with you.” On vacation, for example, you may want to draw a boundary about the days when you have one-on-one time and the days when you are open to engaging in group activities. For instance, say, “If it’s okay, I’d like to have one day where it’s just you and me.” If you draw boundaries and make sure that you get the one-on-one time you need with your partner, you can potentially have a long-lasting, happy relationship with the life of the party.
Dr. Seth is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
The post Is Dating the ‘Life of the Party’ a Bad Idea? appeared first on eharmony Advice.
Recently, my social media feed was filled with a light-blue line drawing of a woman riding a crane over the ocean, as readers across the globe heaped praise on an essay by novelist CJ Hauser. “I finished reading this and realized I’d had my hand over my heart almost the whole way through,” said one reader. “Everyone told me I would love this, and I did,” said another.
In the piece, Hauser describes taking a scientific expedition to study the whooping crane less than two weeks after canceling her wedding.
She had good reason to end the relationship. Her ex-fiancé was outrageously stingy with his affections. Even when the author asked him point blank to say something sweet to her—for example, that she looked nice in her favorite red dress–he balked. Instead, he said he told her she looked nice in the dress when she bought it the summer before. Why did she need to hear it again? Another time he gave her a birthday card with no writing in it, explaining that he’d then be able to use it again.
If the piece were merely about guy who was jerk to his girlfriend, it wouldn’t have gone viral. It’s Hauser’s response that gets us:
“I need you to know: I hated that I needed more than this from him. There is nothing more humiliating to me than my own desires. Nothing that makes me hate myself more than being burdensome and less than self-sufficient. I did not want to feel like the kind of nagging woman who might exist in a sitcom. … I had arrived in my thirties believing that to need things from others made you weak.”
The piece comes to a beautiful conclusion, but Hauser’s confession and the response to upset me. So many women chimed in to say how much they related to her story, how they had similar experiences, how they too felt that they didn’t have the right to ask their partner for love or affection.
I’m not judging. I’m one of the zillion people who posted the piece. I’ve never been with anyone who behaved as badly as Hauser’s ex, but I absolutely understand the shame of feeling needy in a relationship, and I remember well the pain of pushing away those needs. I remember playing the cool girl—pretending I didn’t care when some guy didn’t call when he said he would, or when he took me to a party and then immediately disappeared into the crowd.
I played the cool girl because this is what dating culture tells us to do: never let them see you care.
Everyone needs affection and kindness in their life. Asking for it isn’t a sign that you’re weak; it’s a sign that you have the courage to demand the love you deserve.
By revealing how she betrayed herself, Hauser reminds us to stay true to ourselves and all our messy frailties and vulnerabilities. That’s the part that gives me hope. If some people don’t want to be pestered by our human needs, let’s grant them their wish. Let them have their blank birthday cards and hoarded compliments. Let’s turn around. Let’s look at the sky.
Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.
The post Relationship Advice: Have the Courage to Be Needy appeared first on eharmony Advice.
New research conducted by Harris Interactive and commissioned by eharmony found some interesting results about what men and women truly want in a partner, and information from surveys from over 1,000 singles sheds fascinating light on these crucial factors. Let’s get right to the results!
The most prominent finding may surprise you, especially in a world in which men and women spend minutes or even hours per week swiping on others: a whopping 70% of men and women find prospective partners desirable who are looking for a serious relationship rather than something casual. These results support what I find in my work as a therapist, that what people are really craving is substance and emotional connection.
The top 5 factors men and women find desirable:
1. Honesty (54%)
2. Kindness (44%)
3. Sense of humor (34%)
4. Physical attraction (34%)
5. Intelligence (29%)
Of course, we all know that appearance and attraction matter. The results are somewhat surprising, however, in that attraction didn’t even come in in the top three. Most of all, over half of men and women surveyed find desirable someone who is honest, and a similar percentage find desirable someone who is kind. This research is promising for single men and women because it shows that, deep down, people are smart and know what factors actually matter. Men and women know that attraction isn’t the glue that holds couples together 10 years down the road. In fact, it’s the personality factors and emotional connection that keep two people glued together for many years to come.
Right off the bat, you may think about the professions people find desirable in partners and imagine that it’s all about money. Not true, say the results of the study. In fact, the research found that professions that focus on caring are actually most desirable: nurses and doctors, teachers and professors, veterinarians, and protective services, such as fire fighters. If you work in one of these professions, make sure to include your profession as a focus in your profile. Be proud of your caring profession and focus on it in your profile to find compatible matches.
Make that lunch or dinner date and skip the drinks. 34% of men and women find a prospective partner desirable who likes to go out to eat as a hobby. Note that going out to eat with a partner isn’t merely about eating to feel full. Going out to eat fits into an overall ethos: the two of you are relaxed, getting nourished by the food of your choice and connecting.
29% of men and women also find desirable a prospective partner who likes to cook or bake, and this is true for both men and women. Think about it: is there anything nicer than someone telling you they want to cook for you? If you love to cook, celebrate that in your profile; if you don’t know how to cook maybe take some cooking classes. By investing in this hobby, you will learn how to practice a skill and you will also be able to nurture someone else with food. Becoming more desirable because of your new skill will be an added bonus!
Approximately one quarter of single men and women find desirable someone who likes to go out and listen to live music. If this is one of your passions, make sure to include this in your profile so that you attract people who like some of the things you like.
One of the study’s findings included the fact that some men and women find a prospective partner desirable who has a pet. A high percentage of singles – 35% – reported that they find someone desirable who has a dog, while 16% find someone with a cat desirable. This finding is not surprising on a psychological level. Having a pet indicates crucial information about a person: the parent of a pet is comfortable with dependence, because they understand and are not threatened by the way the animal relies and depends on them; they like to nurture in their relationships; and they value affection. If you have a pet, make sure to include that in your profile and talk about what you love about having a pet. Also, you may want to keep your eye on prospective partners who have a pet because you could share a certain sensibility.
The study, in summary, yielded results that should comfort singles. The vast majority of singles are looking for a serious relationship rather than something casual. In addition, having hobbies and pets are desirable traits for men and women looking for a relationship. While you date and look for the partner who is most compatible with you, also work on a side project that should be ongoing: continuing to cultivate and practice hobbies and interests. After all, shared interests are the glue that will keep two people together for years to come.
Dr. Seth is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
The post What Do Men and Women Find Desirable in a Partner? appeared first on eharmony Advice.
It can be hard to find stories about women who are single and don’t have children. There are now so many more people delaying marriage and family, but it can be hard to find them. It might be tempting to think that they don’t exist. Glynnis MacNicol’s wonderful book No One Tells You This is one such story. It’s an exploration of life when MacNicol turns 40, a year which holds highs and lows of family illness and loss, friendship, professional successes and challenges. Regardless of your relationship status, this is a must-read.
I caught up with MacNicol to talk about the way things have changed for single people, friendships, and what she loves about her life.
I’ve come to think of it as a coming-of-age story about turning 40, being single, not having children, and trying to find your way in a world that really doesn’t recognize you as a vital part of it. I think a lot of why I wrote the book was that I was struggling to find a blueprint for myself for what the next phase of my life would, could, and should look like. You really have narrow narratives around women’s lives that almost exclusively adhere to the marriage plot or the motherhood plot. I wanted to create a different narrative.
I was seeing not just myself, but so many women in my life, living fulfilling, exciting and complicated lives as women outside marriage and motherhood. Women in marriage and motherhood live full and difficult lives outside of both of those roles, but I couldn’t find any version of that in the culture. I was both incredibly angry about its absence and felt suffocated by it, as I think anyone who finds themselves living outside the norm. How do you measure the value of your life? How do you measure the progression? How do you know your place in the world when you are not seen? That’s what the book is trying to accomplish.
One of the reasons I was able to write this book is because so much happened to me when I turned 40, which is a very loaded age for people, but women in particular—because it coincides with our idea of the end days of fertility. The book is about what it means to be a woman outside these cultural norms. But it’s also very much about my relationship with my mother and the generation my mother came from and the relationships I have with many of my friends.
I found it to be both. I’ve observed that single women, particularly single women past a certain age are found to be either very spoiled or objects of pity. Some people will read this and think I’m very spoiled. Let me emphasize the self-made nature of my life. Most people are so comfortable attributing self-made-ness to men and so uncomfortable attributing it to women. I have been living on my own since I was a teenager, and, financially, I’m my only support system. We really don’t have any way to understand women as both self-sufficient and as outside the direct support system of being a mother. I am in a supporting role in so many people’s lives, as a caretaker or support system, or whatever it is, that the idea I was selfish and spoiled was pretty much upended. At the same time, the freedom that coincided with some shred of financial independence, on my part, in terms of being able to travel, made me sort of an object of envy in ways that no one had ever prepared me for. No one prepares a single woman, aged 40, to be the object of envy of anybody. You’re just ready to be the forever alone person.
I was living both those stereotypes, but sort of at the opposite ends of them and I felt that as the title suggests, no one had told me either of these things were going to be possible.
“No One Tells You This”
I don’t like to speak broadly for everyone because everyone’s experiences are different, and I want to emphasize how much I was in New York City. I love New York, but I think living in New York and living in major urban areas as a single person is a different experience culturally then living in the suburbs. If I owned a house, as a single woman in the suburbs, and had to drive places, my social interactions would be far fewer than they are right now.
I always like to say I think it’s a fallacy that women in my position wouldn’t be overwhelmed with relationships. I appreciate that that’s not true for everyone, and I have lived in the same place for two decades and I am still friends with many people I’ve known since my early twenties. Maintaining friendships over two decades is complicated and difficult and requires determination and compromise, much the same as marriage. So I like to emphasize that too, because some people have come up to me and said ‘How do I get friendships like yours?’ and I’m like, ‘It looks perfect now, but you know, we’ve been through the deep end of difficulty over the years like any long-term relationship.’ But we have this assumption of like lonely, poor you. Even my editor said to me at one point ‘Do you want to talk about how difficult it is around the holidays, you’re not married, and you don’t have a place to go?’ and I was like, ‘I don’t know what other people’s experiences are, but people are trying to book me up for their holidays months in advance.’ I have so many holiday invitations and I think I’m very fortunate. How would that be different if I were married or if I were in a partnership? I don’t know, so it’s hard for me to say.
When all of your friends start getting married and having children, your life shifts fundamentally and you have no control. It’s really painful. My experience is that everyone comes back to you once they get through those early years of their lives shifting, but what happens is that people have less time. There’s a number of years where everyone’s main focus is their children.
Making friends in your 20s is so easy because you’re all unformed and have high tolerance levels. You’re also, and this goes for dating too, constantly in social situations, surrounded by people your own age, largely with your own ideas about how life should go. I say that as somebody who very clearly left where I was raised and found a place where I felt comfortable and was surrounded by people who shared my idea of what the world should look like. I’ve kept my friends since my early twenties and then also have made a different set of friends with each decade that goes by. The older you get the more you understand the people you want in your life and the people you don’t want in your life.
With regards to dating, people tend to think of dating as a job. There’s some truth to that since you don’t find yourself in circumstances that naturally create the environment where you are meeting new people. You have to go out of your way to create these circumstances. If you are a person that wants to be in a relationship, and if you are a person that wants to be married with children, which is a completely valid goal to have, you have to work at creating those opportunities. Those circumstances just don’t happen naturally they happen even less naturally in a world that’s dominated by social media. So, if dating is a priority for you, you have to make time in your schedule.
That’s a big question, because women having the opportunity to remain outside of marriage for their entire adult life and financially be able to support themselves is an incredibly new development in history. I raise this point every time I talk about this subject: in the United States women couldn’t have credit cards or bank accounts in their own name until 1974. They had to have a husband or a father co-sign. When we talk about what is the greatest thing about remaining single, just the fact I can is the greatest thing.
I encourage every single woman to remind themselves of that, because, culturally, we really like to attach shame to any aspect of a woman’s life where she’s doing something on her own. You’re traveling alone? What’s wrong with you? You’re eating alone? That’s something to be ashamed of, or you are up to nefarious things. What’s the matter with you? That’s a cultural decision we’ve made. I encourage women to think, if they’re feeling bad about being alone, who benefits from you feeling bad about it? The greatest thing about this development is that I even have the ability to be single and successful in every aspect of my life.
If I went back to my younger self and I said: ‘You’re living in New York City in your own apartment and you’re making a full-time living as a writer,’ my eight-year-old self, would just be like: ‘Awesome.’ I don’t think my eight-year-old self would have asked: ‘Are you married?’
My advice to women who are single: you have nothing to be ashamed about. Congratulations on being able to live a life that hasn’t been possible for women before this era. Marriage is not a solution. We look at single women as a problem in need of a solution, but you are not a problem. Do not feel ashamed.
I really wanted just to open the door. I didn’t want this book to be prescriptive. This book is not: how to be single and great, or self-help or anything. I thought of it like a dispatch. I am out here in what feels a bit like no man’s land. I fully appreciate that there’s long history of women outside of marriage and motherhood, but the fact that we have so few stories about them tells you something about who’s writing the stories.
I want to tell you what it’s like so that maybe it will be less overwhelming, or frightening, or shame-filled, or anxiety-inducing for you as you contemplate it. I just wanted to map my small place in this wide experience and send that back. I wanted to provide an alternate version of what a woman’s life could look like.
The post No One Tells You This: Being Single with Author Glynnis MacNicol appeared first on eharmony Advice.
Often the walls used for protection are the same walls that hinder the development of intimacy. You may genuinely want to find a loving relationship, but your fear gets in the way. This trouble occurs if your fear leads you to date with your guard up. This is why learning to be vulnerable despite your fears, insecurities and natural imperfections is one of the most important aspects of skilled dating.
Being vulnerable involves being open, present, and authentic. It is the opposite of playing games or dating with a façade. The harsh truth is that when you share something about yourself and put yourself out there, you are not in control of how others respond. This can be especially painful when others don’t respond with the compassion, acceptance and understanding you had hoped for. Not being received in the way you had hoped can make the experience of sharing even more anxiety-provoking, and when faced with rejection, you may question yourself and enter into a shame spiral.
However, taking the risk to let people in is the recipe for a true romantic partnership and love, so breaking through your walls is a must. You can learn a lot by being vulnerable and witnessing other’s responses. If you are not met with openness and acceptance by your date, this information is significant in evaluating compatibility.
Healthy sharing is the path toward true intimacy and connection. Vulnerability is the means to really get each other, build a genuine bond and hopefully fall in love or determine you aren’t a good fit. If you don’t share about yourself, you may be protected from rejection, but you also won’t know if you’re a match. If you can view being vulnerable as a healthy and normal aspect of dating, maybe it will feel more and more worth it despite the attached fears.
Unfortunately, our culture sometimes mistakes vulnerability for weakness, especially when it comes to men and what it means to be masculine. Vulnerability equals strength. Vulnerability shows your date that you are emotionally available, in touch with your thoughts and feelings, and that you care. Vulnerability makes you relatable as another imperfect human. Even though it may feel uncomfortable, vulnerability is a form of confidence and self-acceptance.
For example, healthy sharing and vulnerability on a first date looks and feels vastly different from healthy sharing and vulnerability on a sixth date because it takes time to build trust. The progression of sharing paired with healthy boundaries will allow you to get to know each other more deeply. Maybe this means that you share your passions and interests early on, but you withhold your relationship history until you know each other a bit better. It can mean later in dating when you know you want to be exclusive; you openly communicate that you’d like to define the relationship. Please know that being vulnerable is an evolving process that takes time and emotional investment.
Your walls will not come down overnight. This is natural, so go easy on yourself as you try new ways of thinking and behaving. Changing the way you relate to others takes time and practice. Focus on going slow and ensuring that sharing isn’t one-sided. Build a connection by taking turns with sharing, listening and asking questions.
You have value and a lot to offer to others even if you get rejected. Denying your worth will make it nearly impossible to put yourself out there and show the world who you are. In the dating context, if you don’t feel worthy, you will walk around feeling insecure about what potential matches think of you. You will put up walls for protection, disown parts of yourself, and maybe even self-sabotage to ensure others don’t get too close to you and can’t reject you. Accepting that rejection is a natural part of dating will aid you in taking it less personally.
For example, maybe you shared that you have a child on a first date, which is a topic that feels very vulnerable to you. Just because you feel uncomfortable, doesn’t mean the choice to share was wrong. Breathe through it and be gentle with yourself. Understand that being uncomfortable is part of the process of allowing yourself to be more vulnerable. Also, be aware of the stories you make up about yourself if your date doesn’t respond with empathy or understanding. Don’t take it personally if someone rejects you because you disclosed you are a parent and your date perceives this as a deal breaker. Embrace who you are and own it.
I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes on vulnerability by Brene Brown:
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
Consider how you can apply the above to dating, and I believe you can transform your love life.
About the Author:
Rachel Dack is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC), Nationally Certified Counselor and relationship coach, specializing in psychotherapy for individuals and couples via her private practice in Bethesda, Maryland. Rachel’s areas of expertise include relationships, self-esteem, dating, mindfulness, anxiety, depression and stress management. Rachel is a co-author to Sexy Secrets to a Juicy Love Life, an International Bestseller, written to support single women in decreasing frustration about single-hood, leaving the past behind, cultivating self-love and forming and maintaining loving relationships. Rachel also serves as a Relationship Expert for http://www.datingadvice.com/ and other dating and relationship advice websites. Follow her on Twitter for more daily wisdom!
The post 6 Strategies to Increase Vulnerability While Dating appeared first on eharmony Advice.
Ghosting, a term that came into popularity in the last decade, is a perfect term. When someone you were matched with suddenly disappears, that individual suddenly seems like a real-life ghost. You may have any of the following thoughts when you experience a ghosting: Did we have an actual connection or did I imagine it? Was the ghoster lying to my face or did they actually care? How can a person simply disappear? If you’ve been ghosted, I am sorry and I have empathy for you. It’s not fair or just that another person treats you so callously. Keep reading to discover a plan to help you deal with this hurtful experience.
When ghosted, you may feel a tornado of feelings. Some of the most common post-ghosting feelings are confusion, sadness and anger. These negative feelings are natural in response to such poor treatment, and your reaction to the treatment is a healthy sign that you are healthy and expect mature treatment in your relationships.
The cruelest symptom of ghosting is that the person who gets ghosted often ends up blaming or second-guessing themselves. You might wonder if you did something to turn your match off; you might fear that he or she decided that you aren’t interesting or attractive enough to merit even one more text, phone call or date. But please, don’t take another person’s selfish behavior personally.
Yes, life is complicated and unpredictable, which means that people sometimes experience events or circumstances in their lives that cause them to act in ways they typically would not. For instance, a person could experience a limitless number of life emergencies: a loved one dies or has a serious accident; a person’s house burns down; or a person loses their job. If catastrophes like these occur, it’s fair to expect that this individual is in life-emergency mode and may be suddenly not able to communicate in a dating relationship. In these cases, the sad reality for anyone they were talking to is that this individual is simply too overwhelmed to engage romantically.
Given these freak exceptions, most ghostings are not the result of such tragic emergencies. Most ghosters ghost because they aren’t mature enough to have a real relationship. We expect this behavior from a first-grader, but not from actual adults! Ghosters ghost because they cannot tolerate the feelings that would come up for them if they were to tell their date the truth about what’s going on. Even though telling someone the truth is what you owe them – by definition – in dating them, ghosters don’t have the integrity to set aside their own feelings and focus on the feelings of the other person.
Define the ghoster’s behavior. Say to yourself “No matter the specifics, not communicating to a match any further is selfish, immature and incredibly insensitive behavior.” Next, say something like this to yourself: “I am super sad and bummed, but I also know I would not want to be in a couple with someone who acts like such a #$@! anyhow. I did nothing to deserve that kind of treatment.” Notice that the statements I suggest to say to yourself draw more from anger (when you feel empowered) than sadness (when you internalize self-blame or feel hopeless). Connect with your anger and make a mental note to give an extra chance to anyone you date who calls when they say they’ll call, and shows up when they say they will.
Dr. Seth is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
The post What to Do When You’re Ghosted: A One-Week Plan appeared first on eharmony Advice.
Have you ever thought about going against your natural personality patterns for a year? That’s what Jessica Pan did when she embarked upon a year of extroversion (she identifies as a shy introvert) in her new book Sorry I’m Late, I Didn’t Want to Come. Although Jessica is married, I couldn’t help thinking that the lessons she learned along the way relate strongly to the single and dating life. I caught up with her for some insights on what she discovered along the way.
Tell me about your book?
I reached a low point in my life. I had just become a freelancer which meant that I was basically sitting on my sofa all day alone. And I was also 32, at the time, a lot of my friends were having babies and moving out of the city. I found myself lonely and I didn’t have co-workers to talk to, basically I lost perspective. I realized that I didn’t have that many friends in the city I lived in, I felt like my career was stagnating, and I wanted to make a change. I’m a shy introvert, and I was fine with that beforehand, I accepted that that’s who I was. But I realized that over the years I’d started to use the label ‘introvert’ as a license to say no to things. I started to say no to everything, like going out, or meeting new people, or networking opportunities—just taking any risks. So I decided that if I wanted to change my life, I would have to live it differently. I decided to extrovert for one year, meaning that I would do all of the things that I always actively avoided doing. I made this list of things that I hated, basically my nightmare, like talking to strangers, performing stand-up comedy, taking improv classes, traveling alone to make friends. I just kind of wanted to see what would happen if I did that.
Although you’re married. I know that so many single people can relate to the difficulties of putting yourself out there with the hopes of forging connections, either with romantic interests, friends, or people they’d like to network with. What were some of your strategies for being brave in that way without hating every moment?
Throughout the year, I interviewed mentors who led me along the way—I was doing things that I had never been good at, like talking to strangers or stand-up comedy, and I wanted to have extroverted mentors who could guide me through these challenges. One of the first things I did was talk to strangers, and I interviewed this psychologist and he told me that when we’re all sitting on a train or a bus and nobody’s talking, it doesn’t necessarily mean that nobody wants to talk to each other, it just means that nobody else has broken the ice so everybody is obeying the social convention and following everyone else’s lead. But then he said the thing that really stuck with me, which was that nobody waves, but everybody waves back, so if you start talking to someone, generally, they start talking back to you, or if you smile at someone who looked grumpy, usually they smile back at you. Knowing that, and practicing that in real life, really made me feel less socially anxious about going out and meeting new people.
I think everybody in their life has gone through a phase where they felt lonely, or they wanted new friends, or they’ve wanted to meet a new person to date or fall in love with, and I think it’s important to remember that. So throughout the year, I had to meet lots of different people, and before the year began I was socially anxious and I always assumed the worst of people—that they wouldn’t like me, or they would reject me, or they wouldn’t want to talk to me—I found that really was not the case. It felt like people were a lot kinder and more open than I had ever imagined, because in my head it seemed scary, but when you actually go and do that, it really takes away the fear, because we realize everybody’s a little bit scared but people are usually open.
You write about realizing that most of us aren’t terribly practiced at striking up a conversation or maintaining one, especially with someone we don’t know well or at all, would you talk a bit about what you learned about conversation throughout your year of extroversion?
One of the things I learned in the year that really resonated with me and I think about literally every day and in nearly every conversation I have with someone that I don’t know very well is this concept called deep talk versus surface talk. I took this class in London called How To Be Sociable, full of 40 other people, and the instructor talked about how there is surface talk and there is deep talk. So surface talk is talking about the weather and complaining about your commute, what you’re going to do this weekend, whereas deep talk is talking about your fears and your desires and your vulnerabilities. If we don’t engage in deep talk with people, we won’t have meaningful connections, and I think that sometimes we’re so scared that we could stay in surface talk all the time, but I actively made an effort to try to go into deep talk with people who seemed willing, who I met, and I feel like it really deepened my friendships and my relationships.
I went on a blind friend date with a friend I met on Bumble BFF, another woman, and she was telling me about a guy that she’s been dating for a few months and she said that she really liked him. He seemed really nice. He had a good job. He seemed responsible, they had a fine sex life, but she seemed really hesitant. I said ‘well, what’s the problem with him then?’ She said ‘well, I feel like it’s all banter, there’s no deep conversation.’ I had not told her any of these things that I learned that year. I said to her ‘well, have you ever asked him a deep question?’ She said ‘no, because I’m so scared to show how I really feel or that I really want to know these things about him.’ I think that’s a really common fear. But I also think that it goes back to ‘if nobody waves, nobody waves back,’ if nobody takes that leap, then your relationship will just stay in a shallow territory. In my own experience, with my husband, after six months I had a similar problem. I felt like everything was going great but I wanted to ask him all these personal questions about his past and future and what he wants from a relationship, but I felt really scared to ask. We sort of agreed, one night while the sun was setting, that in that twilight hour that we could ask each other anything we wanted to. We both were able to finally go deep and I feel like that is what really cemented our connection and that was the foundation of our marriage.
To enlarge your friend group you used apps, treating the process similarly to online dating. What was that experience like?
I found that really tricky. I have so much respect for people who are on dating apps because I had no idea how hard it would be to just meet a platonic woman that I wanted to have coffee with a few times a month. I think chemistry is so hard to find and and also you want to find someone who has time in their life, who lives relatively near you. I found that a lot harder than I thought I would. I did meet one good friend from Bumble BFF who is still my friend today, so it can happen.
What do you see as the greatest gifts of your extroversion project?
I think that after talking to strangers on London public transport—which is a total faux pas over in England—it was really embarrassing and really tough to do because I’m naturally shy, but once I did it and people were nice to me, even though they definitely thought I was strange, all of a sudden my social anxiety started to evaporate. I’m not as scared to talk to strangers at all. I’m a lot less socially anxious, and I think that’s a really big change. I think everybody tends to have a self definition—the story they tell themselves—I’m this kind of person, I’m a shy person, I don’t talk to strangers, I’d never give a presentation, I’m not going to throw myself parties, or whatever it is that you tell yourself. By spending a year doing all the things that I never even thought were possible, like stand-up comedy, it really felt freeing to have the definition of myself expand and to realize that I could do things that previously I thought could never be possible. I had really intense stage fright and I had to perform to an audience of 900 people without any notes and it was being recorded. But, with the help of a mentor, I survived that and I feel a lot more confident and can’t believe that I did that. I feel very empowered by that.
What are your hopes for your readers as you send your book into the world?
There are some psychology studies that say that our personalities are fixed at 30. I didn’t like reading that. It’s like, ‘oh so I’m going to be this way forever, I’m going to have the same anxieties and weaknesses forever.’ But then I found this other psychologist named Brian R. Little. He says that we are shaped by nature and we’re shaped by nurture, but our personalities are also affected by the things that we choose to do. I found that really freeing and like that had happened to me over the year. I was living proof of this—I was more confident, I had less social anxiety. I definitely don’t want people to think that I think everybody should be an extrovert or everybody should change who they are. Introversion and extroversion are generally agreed upon to be inherited traits, so I don’t think I’m going to be an extrovert, I was born an introvert, that’s my natural tendency but I feel a lot more confident and less socially anxious and I think that anyone else who doesn’t want to be tethered to their anxieties for the rest of their lives can have hope that they can do things. It doesn’t have to be the things I do, obviously, but can do things that can free them and change them for the better, if they want.
Cara Strickland writes about food and drink, mental health, faith and being single from her home in the Pacific Northwest. She enjoys hot tea, good wine, and deep conversations. She will always want to play with your dog. Connect with her on Twitter @anxiouscook.
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I Just Haven’t Met You Yet marries a memoir of childhood sexual abuse, family relationships, and finding healing from trauma with a search for romantic love and hope for the future. Tracy writes letters to her future life partner and writes about her adventures and challenges in dating, while also laying her own story bare. We caught up with her to talk about her book.
Tell me about your book?
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet is basically a guide to empowerment in dating, relationships and love. It’s also a memoir of my journey in dating and the obstacles that I worked to overcome on the road to finding the love of my life. The book is written as an open love letter to my future life partner–each chapter begins with a letter which serves as a frame that segues into narratives and stories about different aspects of my dating life–trials and tribulations of dating, different scenarios and situations, and the lessons I learned along the way.
Would you just tell me a little bit about how you came to write the book?
When I was forty-something and single I went to the bookstore and I looked on the shelves for the solution. I thought I had this lifelong problem—and the problem was that I had this inability to meet my life partner and I knew that there were other people out there who had the same problem. But as I went through book after book on relationships and dating I didn’t really find anything that spoke to me. There was a lot out there written by celebrities or kind of how-to manuals or research about spinsters and things like that and I really was searching for a book written for and by someone who is like me: just a regular woman working her ass off, working her heart off to conquer these challenging circumstances in pursuit of love. I was looking for someone who had gone through some deeply personal struggles and had found a way out onto the other side. I didn’t find that until I started writing my own story and kind of accompanying myself on my own path, so that’s part of it. The other part is that I felt that I had tried so many ways to meet my life partner, but I had never written him a letter and and I really wanted to talk to him and so I started writing in the letter form to tell him things about myself if I hadn’t yet met him. I thought ‘well, I can still have a conversation with him at this point in time.’ I know it may sound a little crazy, but that was the impetus behind the letters themselves. The letters sort of embody this intimacy of couplehood and then the stories were about the single woman’s journey towards actually finding couplehood.
One of the through lines of your story is seeking healing and wholeness after experiencing childhood sexual abuse. What advice or encouragement would you offer to those who are in a similar situation or who are facing another traumatic recovery and would like to be dating or to find a partner?
I think the biggest piece of advice I’d give is to believe in themselves and their worthiness of being in a relationship—in a good relationship, in a satisfying relationship, in a fulfilling relationship. I think many times when we go through trauma we tend to believe that we’re damaged goods—I talk about this in my book—it’s one of the things that I had to learn to overcome. I had to learn what kinds of assets I really did have to bring to a relationship and how my experiences actually prepared me even more to be in a successful relationship. We always hear about baggage, right? Nobody gets through life without baggage, and for a long time I really believed that my baggage made me less worthy. Then I realized, through dating, that my baggage is really invaluable. It gave me insight into how to handle problems as well as the ability to empathize with my partner’s struggles. That, in a relationship, increases the capacity to bring a couple closer to each other and I think really solidifies a relationship. Baggage is is not a weakness or a red flag. I think if we let our struggles, our pasts, play out blindly and destructively, then yes, that is a red flag. But if we’re managing our issues in a way that is self-aware then I think it becomes an attractive strength.
I think too, the issue of disclosure in relationships comes up when it when it comes to people overcoming trauma of any sort or any any kind of hardship. I think people are always afraid when they bring up something about themselves that they’ll be rejected or judged and that’s another issue that I talk about in the book.
It seems like one of the important things for you has been finding, building and maintaining a therapeutic relationship. Would you talk a little bit about how you think that would be helpful for single people of all kinds?
I think therapy is a great way of taking care of yourself and finding a way to work through whatever experiences you’ve had that are holding you back from living your best life and fulfilling the potential of who you are. For myself, being in therapy was a way to find the strength within myself to push forward beyond what had happened to me and to find a way to truly be myself, so that I could be in relationship with others. Everyone goes to therapy for different reasons, but I think overall it really is a great way to take care of yourself in a way that actually helps in a partnership. When we’re in partnership, our partner is there to support us and we’re there to support our partner, but sometimes, if we we don’t have a handle on our problems, we tend to dump it on other people and that can be very damaging in a relationship and can sometimes cost the relationship itself. So, for me, I think therapy has helped—I’m able to handle my problems. I’m not looking to someone else to fix my problems. I am looking to be authentic in a relationship and say: ‘Look, these are the things that I’ve struggled with. This is where I’ve been. This is where I am now’ and to be real about it.
You’re now in your forties. Would you talk about differences you’ve seen dating in this decade versus other decades?
There’s definitely a perception that there are less men available. I think that’s actually a misperception. I think that there are a lot of great single men out there—it’s a matter of finding them. I have to say that when I turned 40, I carried a bit of shame with me. I thought: ‘Why am I this age and still looking for love? What is wrong with me? Why haven’t I found it?’ I grew to learn that being older, there are more opportunities in the sense that we know who we are. I know myself better now than I did in my thirties. I know more of what I want in a partner and in a partnership. I know more of what my values are. So it’s a lot easier for me to assess relationships as they begin and as they go forward. I think I’m much better at communicating than I was in my thirties. So I feel like being older—although there’s a stigma—I think we’re actually better equipped for relationships, and lasting relationships, at this age. We may have had many failed starts, and we might believe that our age stacks the odds against us because there’s this perception that there are less available people out there, but I really think that being older is an advantage. We can put our past relationship failures in perspective and I think the experiences that we have give us the confidence to move forward.
As any single person knows, friendship is crucial to navigating the world. Would you tell us about how your friends have been there for the journey?
I have married friends and I have single friends. My married friends give me advice about how to meet potential mates. I’m open to hearing their advice because I feel like ‘Okay, they’ve found their partner, they’re successful, right? So maybe I should listen to that.’ But also in the book I talk about how my married friends said I should try a whiskey tasting class because that was the way to meet eligible bachelors—and I don’t drink—but I thought I should go because that’s how I’m going to find somebody. I learned that trying to be somebody that I wasn’t wasn’t going to bring me my match, but it helped to know that my friends were supporting me and they were encouraging me and trying to help me. I just had to be more discerning about their advice. They meant well, but some of them haven’t dated in many, many years so they didn’t quite have the perspective of what it was like to still be single when you’re in your late thirties and forties. So my single friends have that perspective, sometimes we bitch and moan about it, but I think overall we try to help each other to keep the faith and to have that hope that we are going to find that person, we’re just on a different time table then sort of the stereotypical, you meet your mate in your twenties, you get married, you have X amount of kids, you buy a house and happily ever after. We keep each other going—we text each other before dates, during dates, after dates—we debrief , we figure out what were the positive things that happened and what things maybe didn’t sit right in your gut and talk that through. We also just take time to laugh about it because dating can just be really absurd sometimes, we have to have a sense of humor to keep going. Also, for safety too, it’s important to just let a friend know where you’re going to be.
What are your hopes for your readers as you send this book into the world?
I hope that my readers will relate to how difficult the journey and dating can be and grab onto the sense of hope that I think the book puts forth, even when things are very dark, and to have faith that when you follow your heart that eventually you will reach your goal. It may not look like what you originally imagined, but following your heart really does bring you to where it is that you’re meant to be. I believe that. I think that finding our life partner is a journey in finding our strongest selves. So I hope that readers will believe in themselves and find strength in themselves to really put themselves out there. I feel like it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and I think sometimes that gets harder as you get older and to be able to take comfort and say ‘I’m not alone in this journey. There are other people out there too, just not too many people talk about it, but I’m really not alone in this and I can do this.’
Cara Strickland writes about food and drink, mental health, faith and being single from her home in the Pacific Northwest. She enjoys hot tea, good wine, and deep conversations. She will always want to play with your dog. Connect with her on Twitter @anxiouscook.
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