Lisa Find Love

In the past few decades, a strength-based movement has emerged in the field of mental health. It offers an alternative to problem-focused approaches that have organized prevailing treatments. In particular, solution-focused counseling highlights what is working in people’s lives rather than emphasizing their deficits, limitations, and weaknesses. In this article, I describe some of the main principles of a solution-focused approach to problem-solving.

There are Always Exceptions to the Problem

One of the key assumptions informing solution-focused counseling is that people have existing resources, strengths, and problem-solving skills. If these resources — called exceptions — are identified and amplified, then problem resolution and change can be brought about in an effective and efficient manner.

An exception refers to times when a person is able to effectively resolve a problem or when a problem is not happening. From my experience, there are always exceptions to problems. Addicts resist using drugs. Depressives have up days. Oppositional adolescents comply with the rules.

The problem is that sometimes people do not recognize these exceptions. By looking for and identifying exceptions, one can begin the process of working toward effective solutions.

People are sort of like bicycle chains. They typically work just fine. Sometimes, however, they get a bit stuck or off track. In such cases, one may need a minor adjustment to get back on a natural course.

If we get too involved in defining the problem and how to change it, there is often a risk of exacerbating the issue. The key to change from a solution-focused perspective is to identify one’s natural resources and use these as a basis for problem-solving and growth.

Small Changes Can Lead to Big Results

Frequently, a small change is all that is needed to resolve a problem. And a small change can also result in a snowball effect which, in turn, leads to bigger changes and the resolution of even bigger problems. This idea is related to the principle of inertia, which holds that an object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion.

Consider how difficult it is when procrastinating at doing a tedious task such as doing laundry or paying bills. Inertia principles suggest it takes an extra force of energy to initially propel the body into motion to start the task. When a person initiates the activity, this often leads to progress and one often finds it easier to stay in motion and proceed with the activity.

Taking a first step is significant because it often takes an extra effort, a sudden burst of activity. I encourage people to uncover precisely how they made these exceptional events happen, as these hold the key to their problem-solving capabilities and skills. This principle applies to human relationships as well. A small change in one part of a system often leads to changes in other parts of the system. So if an individual does something a little different in his or her interactions, then it is likely that his or her partner will respond differently. This may result in changes in the nature of the relationship.

Many Roads Lead to Solutions

Solution-focused counseling holds that it not necessary, nor is it always preferable, to know the cause of a problem to create a solution. It’s also questionable if we can ever know the true cause of some problems, because human issues are often so complex, dynamic, fluid, and systemic. A rule of thumb in solution-focused counseling is to find out what works for you and then do more of the same. There is no single problem-solving method that works for all people and all problems.

Solution-focused counseling encourages people to set goals that are SMART: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-measured. To set a specific goal, imagine a video description that provides an accurate mental image of the goal being met. If a goal is not measurable, then it is not possible to know if you are making successful progress. Think in terms of “how much” or “how many” when setting goals. Setting goals that are out of reach or unrealistic will likely cause frustration. Commit to a deadline. Doing so helps one focus on completion of the goal on or before a due date. Goals also may be broken up into distinct, manageable tasks with corresponding deadlines.

Sudden and Brief Change

In contrast to the commonly held view that change is necessarily a slow and arduous process, many people experience significant improvements suddenly and in a brief period of time. Solution-focused counseling holds that people possess coping skills (i.e., exceptions) that play a critical role in resolving problems. If these exceptions are identified and amplified, then marked shifts can occur. Such changes are not to be considered as chance events or flights into health. Rather, these events are expected, meaningful progressions. Recognizing positive differences, even small ones, can help establish a foundation for ongoing solution-focused change.

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Every month we turn the tables, and ask clinicians to share a slew of tidbits about themselves and their work. They reveal everything from the trials and triumphs of conducting therapy to how they personally cope with stress. They also share their insights into the biggest myth about therapy and the best way to lead a meaningful life.

This month we’re pleased to feature Helen Nieves, a New York State Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Certified Attention Deficit Consultant Specialist. Nieves pens the popular Psych Central blog “Mental Health Awareness.”

She specializes in anxiety, panic, phobias, oppositional disorders, behavioral disorders, emotional disorders, parenting skills, anger management, stress management, career concerns, educational decisions, depression, grief counseling, and attention deficit disorder.

Nieves also teaches ADHD classes online and is on the Advisory Board for the American Institute of Health Care Professionals. To learn more about Helen Nieves, visit her website http://ift.tt/1I8TbiI.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

Every day I am surprised by how much I love being a therapist. I have learned a great deal from my clients and every day I am challenged by how much they teach me. I enjoy the work I do and how fulfilling this career is. I love learning new things to help my clients improve and progress with their personal struggles.

All clients are different, need to be treated differently and I love the challenge of trying to find a way to help each one individually. Training and studying helps, but the experience of working with different individuals is what makes this job challenging and interesting.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

I have read a large amount of mental health books, each teaching me valuable information. I enjoyed reading When the Past is Present by David Richo. This book explores how transference plays a role in our relationships and how we can free ourselves from the emotional baggage we bring into our present relationships.

As a therapist who specializes in anxiety, another book I enjoyed was The 10 Best-Ever Anxiety Management Techniques by Margaret Wehrenberg. It provides practical tips to help clients manage anxiety.

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

The biggest myth is that if you go to therapy you are “crazy.” This is not true. People go to therapy for a number of reasons. Going to therapy offers a better understanding about yourself and learning better opportunities to live a healthier life.

If a person goes to their primary care physician for medications to help them fight off the flu or virus, are they considered crazy? Going to therapy shows that you are looking for better opportunities to resolve certain issues that are troubling you.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

The biggest obstacle for clients is fear of opening up their feelings, being truthful to themselves, and fear of the unknown. It is hard for people to drop their defense mechanisms and let the therapist apply the proper techniques to best help them. They may fear feeling vulnerable, especially to a therapist who appears to be young and of different gender.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

The most challenging part of being a therapist is that clients do not provide progress reports after they graduate or terminate sessions. I wonder at times how clients are doing after sessions are done; whether or not they are following the suggestions, tools and techniques to aid them in their progress.

I also find myself thinking about clients who stop coming to therapy after we have worked together to uncover deep-rooted emotions or feelings and never had the opportunity to work at these feelings even more.

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

I love being a therapist and feel lucky that I do this for a living. I love learning about my clients and providing them with tools and techniques to facilitate the change process. I love watching and hearing my clients grow and change their lives in a positive way.

I also love that this field has given me the chance to branch off into different professional opportunities, such as having my own private practice, working in a mental health clinic, providing seminars and speeches, and writing mental health articles.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

Don’t be afraid to let your feelings known. Express your problems and be true to yourself. It is important to validate and acknowledge your feelings. You are important and should follow your dreams. You need to take risks, and it is OK to fail. Besides, if you do not know failure, you cannot appreciate success.

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

I would choose mental health counseling again. I like the challenge of helping people and seeing them progress. I find the human mind interesting and love putting pieces together to better understand my clients.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

It takes time to see progress. Everyone moves at different paces in therapy. A lot of times people end up stopping therapy prematurely because they feel that it is a waste of time, they will never see progress or they are not moving quick enough to see a change. Some may believe that the therapist will provide them with a “quick fix” and if they do not see quick progress, they will stop coming to therapy.

The goal is to help you to function better on your own, and this may take several months to several years. Every person is different and time is what it takes to make progress.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

I have learned not to take things seriously or personally. I like to gather the facts and not jump to conclusions. I use a lot of the tools and techniques that I implement in session with my clients to achieve a positive well-being. I use cognitive restructuring, exercising, stress management techniques, yoga, reading and walking to cope with stress.

I don’t ruminate on events that cannot be changed. Rather, I accept what I cannot control, and I focus on the things that can be changed. I have learned to live in the present and not focus on tomorrow. Also, laughter and humor have helped me to get through stressful times.

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It’s January again — the time when many of us feel expected to make promises to ourselves that we probably won’t keep. In fact, almost 60 percent of us don’t make resolutions. Of those who do, almost 80 percent break theirs within a month. That does raise the question of “why bother?”

Why do we put ourselves through it? Because our resolutions are a reflection of our best hope for ourselves. We want to lose weight, quit smoking, exercise more, spend less, give more time to our family or actually learn that something we’ve been intending to learn for years. They are all common and laudable goals. They are all worth working on. Nonetheless, most of us fail to follow through within weeks.

There are good reasons resolutions are difficult to keep. Often the goal is too big, too anxiety-producing or too absolute. Often the thing we want to change is the very thing that makes us feel most discouraged about ourselves. We’ve failed at it before and, deep inside, we’re convinced we’ll fail at it again. And we know that failing yet again will only make us feel worse.

It is possible to use the impulse toward self-improvement to make life a little happier and satisfying. Making a New Year’s resolution doesn’t have to be a set-up for another failure. The key is to keep the resolution simple and possible and rewarding.

For that reason, my suggestion is that you set just one goal: To be the partner, parent, friend, adult child, or employee you wish you had. Choose one role, one relationship that is important to you, and work at being better at nurturing it this year. You won’t succeed overnight. Being that kind of person does take effort. But you can do it by taking it a step at a time.

Here’s how: Find an attractive notebook, box, folder, or jar. Each day, set out to make the person you’ve chosen feel appreciated, understood, or helped in just one simple way. Maybe you say “good morning” and smile before giving instructions to your partner or child. Maybe you go a little out of your way to encourage an employee. Perhaps you thank a cashier and mean it. Or maybe you actually call that friend you’ve been meaning to call. Do just one small thing to improve that one role you want to work on.

At the end of the day, write it down in your notebook or on a slip of paper to file in that box, file or jar. Yes, write it down. There is something about the act of writing that affirms what we’ve done and makes it more likely we’ll do it again.

Stick to doing just one small thing a day to improve that one relationship in your life. Does it get to be midnight and you haven’t done it? It’s not too late. Just give your partner a big hug or gently tuck your child in one more time or dash off a thank-you email to a friend or coworker. The receiver will feel good and so will you. Be sure to write it down and file it.

If you plumb forget now and then, just treat it as another reminder that you are human and get back on board the next day. Slipups are normal. They can be temporary, not a reason to let go of the whole project.

At the end of each week, take a moment to read over what you’ve done so far. Give yourself credit, lots of credit, for doing that much. Write it down. Add that note to the collection. Being good to yourself by acknowledging your goodness is also important.

Why will this process help your stick to a resolution when other strategies haven’t worked in the past? First, the task is simple and small and doable. Second, the focus is on a process, not on a final result. Finally, the pay-off is more genuine connection with someone you are connected to.

Here’s the best part of all: Your self-esteem will go up a notch each day that you do a little good for a relationship. People who do good for others feel good. People who do good regularly feel even better. And feeling better may be just what you need to take on one of those other, more challenging goals.

There’s nothing particularly magical about making New Year’s resolutions. But January 1 can be as good a reason as any to start injecting more positivity into a relationship that is important to us. Connection is, after all, what most of us value the most.

Happy New Year.

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A guy gives us the heads’ up on relationship red flags. Getting dumped can be like stubbing your toe: It's usually a surprise, it immediately hurts like hell, and you feel incredibly stupid for putting yourself in the position to get hurt. But what if you knew you were about to be dumped—and could therefore circumvent some of the pain? Can you tell if a guy is about to break up with you?Possibly—if you look out for these five signs that you may be about to lose your current relationship .1. He's 15Okay, I don't mean actually 15. But if you're a capable adult woman and your boyfriend is emotionally 15, that's just as bad. That doesn't mean that he still plays video games or loves Bagel Bites or can't handle a job more advanced than a paper route. But if he's nearing 30 and still has a Bagel Bite breakfast on his way to an unsatisfying job, the odds are slim that he has the emotional depth to handle a long-term relationship. If you apply any pressure, he may just snap. And you may be better off if you're sick of playing second fiddle and third wheel to a PS4.2. He Suddenly Starts Hanging Out with "Those" FriendsYou know the ones. His buddy "Robbie" or "Brad," the one with the string of one-night stands and the "Free Lap Dance!" punch card in his chain wallet. The same friends your boyfriend started hanging out with less and less after you two made things official.If your boyfriend is actively seeking out those single friends, he is testing the waters. He wants Robbie to tell him how awesome it is to be single. Your boyfriend will either agree and decide to dump you or take a close look at Robbie's life and realize how lucky he is to have you. The fate of your relationship is in Robbie's hands now, which is pretty terrifying.RELATED: Your Male Friends Affect How Much Sex You Have3. He Just Deleted His Social-Media PresenceThis is a red-alert sign. If he's dumped all his accounts, he may claim it's just because he's applying for a job and needs to hide 1,000 images of him doing beer bongs in frathouse basements. But it may be because he's ready to start creepin' on other girls.It's a genius move: You meet someone in a bar, and your first inclination is to Google them. If he meets a lady who looks him up on Instagram, she'll probably find a mixture of gym selfies, shots of just terrible-looking food, a few bad sunsets, and you. Your soon-to-be-ex does not want pictures of you clouding up his chances of meeting a new girl. Your boyfriend is pre-covering his tracks, and you may need to get ready for a breakup.4. He Changes His RoutineMasculinity is under constant attack, according to weirdoes on the internet. If your guy is suddenly dropping weight, using Rogaine, or learning a new language, that may be a sign of him looking to make an even bigger change. A lady change.Does that mean every guy who signs up for a cooking class is looking to dump his girlfriend? Absolutely not. But it may be an indicator of some sort of "dude-crisis," a highly scientific term for when a guy gets ennui about his place in the world and somehow thinks a new Porsche is the answer.Those kinds of periods in a man's life can blind him to the fact that his relationship is just about the most stable thing he has going for him. It can lead to a lot of misguided breakups that leave you confused and him completely adrift. These are often just temporary breakups, but that doesn't make them any less painful or scarring.RELATED: 9 Signs He's Ready to Settle Down5. You Think You Might Get Dumped"Women's intuition" sounds like a Victorian euphemism for an orgasm, but it's also a real thing. If you think you are about to get dumped, there's a pretty good chance you're going to be.It may seem like a sitcom trope, but men really aren't that good at hiding their intentions. If a guy seems distant or disengaged and he isn't currently watching football, he may be having an existential crisis about his life and your place in it.Sometimes, relationships just aren't meant to be, and it's no one's fault in particular. And new experiences are wonderful, plenty of fish in the sea, you can work on you, all that cat poster stuff. To return to the stubbed toe metaphor, this is like when your toenail falls off, gently whispers "You're free now," then flies away to let a new nail grow in its place. Unpleasant for sure, but ultimately the best thing for you.RELATED: 11 Things That Make You Great in Bed



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To master the art of returning a five-year-old shirt to a store that no longer sells it, take a page from this writer's mother: have no shame.



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