Lisa Find Love

It is no secret that much of the communication between potential or new partners occurs behind the computer screen or through text messaging. By definition, online dating begins on the Internet, however, growing trends suggest that new relationships continue to take place over technology and have become less about connecting and interacting in person. As texting becomes a more socially acceptable way to make plans and stay in touch with romantic interests and friends, picking up the phone or meeting in person can unfortunately become more infrequent.

Texting has become a primary method of connection and communication in many potential or budding relationships, but does an overreliance on text messages make your relationship soar or suffer?

Here are two major problems associated with too much texting during the dating process:

1. Texting too much before you meet your date in person can make it more difficult to connect in person.

A major problem associated with too much texting between you and a romantic interest you have not met is that by the time you actually hear each other’s voices or meet in person, you have inaccurate perceptions and assessments of each other. Therefore, you are more likely to be disappointed at the initial meeting. Often the disappointment is centered on feeling let down when the person you meet is compared against your original assessment behind the technology.

Many of my clients have returned from their dates telling me that the person they met seemed entirely different than the person they emailed or texted with extensively. They generally described their date as more shy or awkward than they had envisioned. While their text message exchanges may have been natural, funny or flirty, there was a different energy to the date. This has left many feeling confused or really uncertain about moving forward.

Think about it … when someone sends you a text, you assign meaning, voice tone, and much more to the words on your screen. Without knowing how the person sounds or how the person hopes to deliver his or her message because you do not truly know each other, you are bound to operate on assumptions. This leads to a potentially flawed interpretation of the message and who the person is. As you get to know and spend time with them in person (think friends, family and co-workers), you naturally do a better job interpreting their texts and emails. This is why it is essential to invest in your dating life by giving potential partners a chance to connect with you in person. It is also important to remember that text exchanges tend to be more flirty than in person (less chance of rejection via text!).

2. Texting keeps you safe, but does not get you far in the relationship world.

The appeal of texting extends far beyond convenience and can easily become a safe and strategic way to connect. A text message acts as a buffer from the discomfort associated with asking someone out and the possibility of being rejected. It keeps you in the safety zone and fosters avoidance of difficult conversations face-to-face or over the phone. It may feel easier to be witty, send thoughtful responses or express romantic desire over text, but texting will only take you so far.

Frequent texting prevents you from building the confidence and courage needed for emotional and social risks and gaining necessary coping skills to handle anxiety and nerves associated with asking someone out or telling someone you like them. The more you hide behind texting to flirt, give compliments or get a date, the harder it becomes to conquer your fears and be intimate in person.

Of course it feels more comfortable being rejected through a text message or behind a computer screen, but if all dating inquiries occur through these means, you are not truly putting yourself in a position to achieve true love and intimacy. Unfortunately, you will block your relationship from progressing if texting is the main way you communicate, especially if you cannot comfortably engage with someone you like in person.

While texting has its advantages, such as being quick, easy and painless (or just less painful), it is not romantic and does not build true intimacy and effective communication over time. Healthy and stable relationships occur when both partners are willing to be vulnerable and present with each other face-to-face.

Texting in moderation works well, if you include more time in person to assess the quality of your connection and deepen your relationship. If you meet online, I highly recommend having a phone conversation to set up any dates and hear your date’s voice prior to meeting.

Bottom line: If you want your relationship to go the distance, I urge you to place the phone on silent mode, and enjoy the many perks of spending time with someone you care for.

About the Author:

Rachel Dack is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC), Nationally Certified Counselor and relationship coach, specializing in psychotherapy for individuals and couples via her private practice in Bethesda, Maryland. Rachel’s areas of expertise include relationships, self-esteem, dating, mindfulness, anxiety, depression and stress management. Rachel is a co-author to Sexy Secrets to a Juicy Love Life, an International Bestseller, written to support single women in decreasing frustration about single-hood, leaving the past behind, cultivating self-love and forming and maintaining loving relationships. Rachel also serves as a Relationship Expert for http://ift.tt/1vj3HQb and other dating and relationship advice websites. Follow her on Twitter for more daily wisdom!

 

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You’ve committed to finding the one and have been out with a bunch of new prospects. Only problem is, you’ve had one bad date after another and now you’re questioning if sitting at home is actually more fun than going out with the most recent date you’ve planned for Saturday night.

When you’re dragged down by hours of looking at dating profiles, messages that don’t go anywhere and one mediocre date after the other, it’s really easy to get inside of your head and fill it with negativity.

Will I ever find the one? Am I just choosing the wrong ones? Isn’t love supposed to be easy? Is something wrong with me?

Sound familiar? As someone who’s been there, I know how it feels to go through those days (sometimes weeks) where you just want to throw in the towel. Don’t be discouraged; while dating is hard, a love worth having takes effort and a positive state of mind.

Here are some tips to help you get back on track.

Find the Lesson in Every Situation

There are no bad dates, there are only dating lessons. You may have not found the love of your life (yet), but you did meet a new friend, potential career opportunity or a person you can call up to share a hobby with. Those are all wonderful reasons to keep dating.

Continuing to date will also teach you more about yourself and what you’re looking for. Perhaps a non-negotiable arises for you or you realize that you need a partner who has more time to spend with you. The more dates you go on, the more in touch you will be with your needs in a partner.

Lean on Your Support System

When you are limited on time, it’s hard to both date and have time for your friends. But spending time with people we already like is a great way to refocus and reenergize our efforts. Call your friends or family and schedule a date with them. Go see a movie or have brunch so you can laugh and be at ease with the people you love.

When you hang with your support system, be sure not to go down the rabbit hole of venting that turns into complaining. Complaining about your relationship status, the men/women you meet, or the horrible dates you’ve been on will only bring more of that into your life. That’s the law of attraction. Instead, really focus on being optimistic.

Reconnect to Your Purpose

There’s a reason you keep going on all of these dates, right? You want a happy and successful relationship. It’s when things get tough that you need to recommit to that purpose.

Get out a piece of paper and start jotting down your purpose. “I want a great partner,” is not enough. Get detailed with your purpose and the life that you see for yourself in a relationship. How would that transform your life from where it is now and why is it important to you? Reconnect to that purpose and recommit to the journey that gets you there.

Add Variety to Your Dating Life

Are the mundane coffee dates and dinners not working for you? Make your next first date an activity that you know you’ll enjoy regardless of whether you and your date instantly connect. Take a painting class, go on a hike, or window shop through your favorite neighborhood. Whatever the activity, just be sure it still allows you and your date time to talk and get to know each other.

How do you keep it positive during your dating journey?

About the Author:

Ravid Yosef is a Dating & Relationship coach living in Los Angeles. Adamant about sharing the lessons she learned about love and life after cancer, she established LoveLifeTBD.com, a personal blog in April of 2014 and has written over 100 advice articles. Her advice columns and personal essays have been featured on YourTango, Care, Women.com, Fox Magazine, Elite Daily, Thought Catalog, Psych Central, and many other online publications.

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As we’ve previously written, people tend to pair up romantically with partners who are about as attractive as they are. So the most attractive people pair up with each other, followed by the next most attractive people pairing up, etc., all the way down the attractiveness scale. Scientists call this assortative mating.¹ How do we know this assortative mating occurs? There is a correlation between two partners’ levels of attractiveness. This means that as one partner’s attractiveness increases, the other partner tends to be more attractive as well. People want the best partner they can get, and the more attractive a person you are, the better mate you can snag.

Although we do have some scientific evidence for assortative mating, this phenomenon really only makes sense when it is very clear who the most attractive people are. And this is not always the case.

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“Turn on, turn off, turn on, turn off. Good, done, walk away from the faucet now.”

Classic OCD symptoms.

It’s 5 a.m. The house is quiet and it’s still dark outside. I’m half asleep but I have to do it. I have no choice. The voices in my head are real and I believe them. I hear my dog wake up; he’s hungry. I tell myself that he’ll be fine and I will feed him when I am done. Can’t you see I am on a mission here?

I walk up the stairs, still wiping the sleep from my eyes, water bottle in one hand and headphones in the other. I walk into the room and spot the treadmill. The terrible, horrible, dreaded treadmill. Start. I convince myself that I love this. Finally, I establish a groove and I am on my way to five miles today. It’s already set it in my planner, so I have to do it.

I’m about 45 minutes in and boom. The treadmill resets. Blank. Where’s my data? What mile was I on? How can I be sure I was 45 minutes in? I remember seeing the number 45, but of course I can’t be sure of that.

Exhausted and anxious, I step back onto the treadmill and yes, I start the whole run over again. I am crying through the run, angry for my lack of trust in myself, and yet determined to do the run and see that beautiful number 5 next to the distance tracker.

Done. Now walk away. There it is, July 3rd. With my planner open on today’s date, I confidently put a line through today’s workout. The voices in my head say, “Victory!” I can breathe now.

Control. This is what rules me — my need to be perfect, mainly in my relationship with food and exercise. If I maintain a level of control around what I eat each day and how and when I move my body, I feel worthy and confident. Take away my rights to make decisions around these two subjects and I am a mess. Whenever I hear people say, “it’s out of your control”, I don’t believe them. I believe I can maintain control wherever I please.

There is a very dark side to exerting this level of control over your life. For me, I lose my drive, passions, relationships, and most of all, freedom. I lost my ability to go out to eat, to attend parties, to have sex, to love, to be creative, and to love myself.

When your life is planned around your mealtimes or when you work out, you have a problem. If you obsessively check, double-check, and triple-check the nutritional label on the yogurt you have had many times in the past, you have a problem. If you refuse to go out to eat because you are afraid the steak is not grass-fed, you have a problem. If you feel forced to work out each day and wish you didn’t have to do it, you have a problem. If someone asks you to try a bite of his or her meal and you don’t out of fear that it would ‘add more’ to your meal, you have a problem. Get my drift?

This was my life. I am far from recovered but I am on the journey. When you hear people say, “you have to hit bottom,” I truly believe it. After terrible depression, eight suicide attempts, and self-medicating with alcohol, I still wasn’t ready to hand over my headphones.

Years later, I took a look around one day and saw that I was losing everything. I had to leave my job because I was too depressed. I stopped seeing friends because it interfered with my meal times. I couldn’t have sex because I was no longer producing estrogen. Yet I had a family, friends, and a loving boyfriend who all wanted to help me.

I had a panic attack one day when I was “supposed” to work out and was too tired. Crying in my living room, I said to myself, “I am getting help; I cannot live like this any longer.” So, I embraced recovery. I’m only a few months in but already I can see beautiful change.

If you relate to this article or know someone who may be struggling with control, eating, or exercise addiction, look into help. Please don’t continue living in this hell that you convince yourself you like. Recovery is attainable and awesome.

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