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Ernest Hemingway Home & Museum—Key West, FL

For 10 years the pipe-smoking, bull-running writer who penned such classics as For Whom the Bell Tolls and Grapes of Wrath lived in a quaint, colonial house on Key West. Hemingway purchased the house in 1931 while on a trip to Key West, and moved there later that year with his wife and two sons. Today, you can visit the breezy, sun-filled home and its adjacent garden while taking a guided tour on your literary road trip; the staff is happy to tell you more about Ernest Hemingway than you ever wanted to know! These Hemingway quotes will inspire you to live boldly.

Banish blemishes

Skin in need of a serious pore-purging? For a DIY acne remedy, combine equal parts apple cider vinegar and bentonite clay. You can use this as a face mask or a spot treatment! “ACV is a natural astringent, so it balances out sebum levels, making it particularly well suited for oily and acne-prone complexions,” says Tara Mackey, author of Cured by Nature and founder of The Organic Life. And bentonite clay draws out toxins and impurities. Don’t miss these blemish-busting face masks.

In an introductory note to the readers of Behaving Badly: The New Morality in Politics, Sex, and Business, author Eden Collinsworth, a former business executive and media consultant, cautions that she “is not an ethicist or a social scientist and this is not an academic debate on the topic of morality but an adventurous search for its modern-day relevance.” That’s a fair warning. The book is indeed adventurous. As a casual reader, I found it lively and entertaining. But as a social scientist, I was disappointed.

Behaving Badly is Collinsworth’s romp through moral issues in domains such as cheating, lying, killing people, making vast sums of money, programming robots, ordering drone strikes, attempting to defy mortality, using sex to sell celebrities, and creating and designing babies with ever more sophisticated technologies. The work is wide-ranging: interdisciplinary, cross-cultural, and historical.

At the core of the book are accounts of interviews the author conducted with quite an assortment of different people. Sometimes she traveled to different continents to interview them; other times she invited them to breakfast at her London apartment. Among the people she interviewed were a convicted murderer, a neuroscientist, the editor of the Financial Times (about miscreants in the financial sector), Candace Bushnell (of Sex and the City fame), Margaret Atwood, the founder of Ashley Madison (tag line: “Life is short. Have an affair.”), a whistleblower, a trend spotter, a woman who provided security for prominent people with targets on their backs, a political leader from Kenya who was imprisoned multiple times for his advocacy of human rights, an escapee from a concentration camp, a pop star from Turkey, an artist with a focus on celebrities, a game designer, and several military leaders.

Of course, in a book on morality in contemporary life politics is going to figure prominently. Collingsworth gets in some digs about Donald Trump and Bill Clinton, takes a few swipes at Hillary Clinton and slips in a snide remark about Barack Obama, thereby assuring that just about every American voter will feel annoyed with her at some point.

Probably every reader – whether American or not – will also find much to like about the book. The twenty-four chapters are short and breezy, and each one skillfully draws the reader into the one that follows.

When I took off my “sit back and enjoy it” hat and donned my social scientist cap, I found Behaving Badly exasperating. There is a vast scholarly literature on morality, including stacks of scientific studies. There are databases that make it easy to see the big picture of what is available, both in academic journals as well as books.

Collinsworth describes going to a library in London, where she types keywords into a computer then browses the shelves of the relevant sections. She chooses one book because it was written by an American, another because she likes one of the words in the title, and others for equally idiosyncratic reasons. She ends up finding a lot of relevant and telling tomes, but also misses all sorts of research and writing relevant to the questions that interest her. “There’s research on that!” was the note I wrote in the margins, over and over again.

Collinsworth seems more interested in talking to people than mastering the issues. Although some of her interviews generated fascinating discussions and insights (her conversations with military leaders were among the most impressive), the yield from others seemed rather thin, especially given the effort expended to track down the sources.

When introducing her interviewees, Collinsworth sometimes tells the reader what she thinks about the issue at hand (we learn more about her ideas about morality than anyone else’s), and then notes that she tried to get the interviewees to agree with her. From a scientific perspective, if you want to learn what someone really thinks, that is not a good interviewing technique. Fortunately, most of her interviewees seemed resistant to those influence attempts.

The best social science books, I think, have a central question and a clear structure. Readers know where they are in the argument, what has been shown and what has yet to be addressed and what it is all adding up to. Behaving Badly, in contrast, is meandering and unsystematic. That’s different from boring.

Collinsworth seems like a smart, engaging person with a wealth of intriguing life experiences. If I were attending a dinner party that went on for hours, I’d want to be seated next to her. But if I am going to invest in reading more than 250 pages, I would like the book to be made of sterner stuff.

Behaving Badly: The New Morality in Politics, Sex, and Business

Eden Collinsworth

April 2017

Hardcover, 272 pages

$26.95

Difficult emotions are inevitable. Yet so many of us aren’t used to feeling them. We do other things — like distract ourselves with Facebook, snap at our spouse, paint a smile on our faces — and these other things don’t make the pain go away. Which is why it’s vital to have a collection of healthy coping strategies we can turn to. Strategies that help us to process our pain, strategies that genuinely soothe and comfort. We asked several clinicians to share what works for them — a tool or two that you might want to adopt and adapt for yourself. You’ll find their wise words below.

Psychologist Deborah Serani, PsyD, describes herself as sensitive and reactive. So when a difficult emotion arises, she tries to “feel” it first. Next, she processes why she’s feeling this way, trying to pinpoint the cause. Then she considers what actions she can take. “I’ve learned that dwelling in a feeling state too long can cause helplessness, so once I register the emotion, I try to figure out what I can do about it.”

If she can’t change the situation, she turns to relaxation and mindfulness practices. For instance, she suggested readers think of a favorite image, such as watching the sunset or sitting in a meadow with wildflowers. “Breathe deeply in and out while closing your eyes and visualizing your image.” Then say to yourself: “I cannot change my current situation, but I can imagine being here and being at peace.”

The intention of these kinds of practices is “not to get lost in the feeling, and to move into some kind of solution-focused experience,” said Serani, a professor at Adelphi University and an award-winning author of several books on depression, including Depression in Later Life: An Essential Guide.

The first thing psychologist and relationship expert Kathy Nickerson, Ph.D, does with a difficult emotion is to normalize it. Next, she reassures herself that she’ll get through it by reflecting on the many times she has gotten through it. “I really try to recall examples and specifically remember how I felt when I started going through a struggle and how those intense feelings faded with time.”

Nickerson also focuses on gratitude. “I try to baste my brain in positive, optimistic, grateful thoughts as often as I can because I know that gratitude is the antidote to painful thoughts.” For example, she’ll tell herself: “Yes, this horrible thing just happened, and I will deal with it, but I am really so lucky to have x, y and z in my life.”

Writing is another powerful tool for Nickerson. Specifically, she writes a letter describing her painful feelings to her mom, who passed away suddenly 5 years ago. Then she writes a response as if her mom is writing it. “It may sound a little hokey, but it’s wonderful. Her responses, which are really my responses, are always deeply loving and nurturing, and that really helps me cope.”

Nickerson also finds it helpful to make deals with herself, a strategy that her clients resonate with, as well. She shared these examples: “OK, I will let myself sit and watch TV all night, if I first spend 30 minutes putting things away.” Or, “If I am still feeling this way in 2 weeks, I will make a massive change.”

When things are really hard, Nickerson focuses on experiencing the moment, including what she can see; what she can feel; what she can taste; and, again, what she’s blessed to have. “I always think life has a finite amount of joy in it, so even when I am struggling to cope, I want to squeeze every ounce of joy out of every moment.”

How therapist Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC, copes depends on the emotion she’s experiencing. When she’s experiencing sadness or grief, she meets her needs for connection and comfort. “I spend tons of time snuggling with animals and people, reading, writing, connecting with others,” said Eddins, a therapist and emotional eating coach in Houston, Texas, helping people make peace with food, mind and body.

When Eddins was going through a particularly difficult time, she found an online support group dealing with the same loss. “[I]t was extremely helpful to reach out to them throughout the ordeal and vent [and] ask for support or provide support and input… I felt so much more connected by being part of that group. It made me feel less alone.”

Her need for comfort involves soothing her senses. For instance, she’ll take a hot bath with a scented bath oil, and turn on an aromatherapy diffuser with a blend of calming scents. She’ll listen to calming music or a guided meditation. She spends time outside. She’ll also use a diffuser by her computer while she works.

When dealing with feelings of rejection or fear, Eddins focuses on activities that help her feel stronger. She listens to upbeat, empowering music. She changes her workout routine and uses a kickboxing bag. She creates a plan of action so she doesn’t get stuck in the anxiety or fear. When she’s angry, she practices acceptance (and stands up for herself, if necessary).

When things are really difficult, Eddins goes on a retreat. This helps her to slow down, connect with herself and her needs and create space for whatever she’s feeling. “I was doing a morning NIA class and we did an opening move and all of a sudden, all this sadness came up from within me. I was in tears while doing this positive move. The space I created plus the movement allowed the emotion to come up and be released. I felt so inspired and recharged afterwards.”

Nickerson has learned that in order to cope, you have to believe that the pain will subside, and things can get better. “You’ll forever be changed, but you’ll get back to being you… just a new version of you. A new version that is dinged up a little, but far more compassionate, kind, tolerant, understanding, and focused on what really matters.”

Love is what everyone wants. And yet when those who are supposed to love us do just the opposite, the effects ripple throughout our lives, in both our relationships with others and our relationships with ourselves.

In Baffled By Love: Stories of the lasting Impact of Trauma Inflicted by Loved Ones, author Laurie Kahn dives deep into the lives of the many who have been traumatized, confused, and terrified by love. And ultimately, healed by it too.

“Even gifted clinicians quickly discover that what they learned in school does not suffice in practice,” writes Laurie Kahn, who is a pioneer in the field of trauma treatment. Trauma goes beyond what many can imagine, shattering core beliefs and assumptions about the world, people around us, ourselves and especially of love itself.

Trauma simply leaves us unraveled, like Kristi, who we meet in the first section of Kahn’s book.

Kristi is a young mother of three who finds herself overwhelmed and unable to face her children. After driving herself to the hospital one morning, Kristi discovers something: she likes the people in the hospital because they are real and honest, and no one is hiding anything. Growing up with an abusive father and a mother who turned a blind eye, Kristi had never before felt cared for.

“Allowing someone to care about her would be like choosing to play in traffic with a truck heading right toward her,” Kahn writes of Kristi’s experience.

Betrayals can be soul-crushing, and can leave us wondering if relationships can ever be a source of soothing. Because love has been interlocked with pain and hurt, therapy is a source of fear, not comfort for those like Kristi. And yet, while the challenge for her is to tolerate the therapeutic relationship, the challenge for the therapist is to be tolerant of her resistance to closeness and soothing.

Betrayal trauma – the term first coined by Jennifer Freyd for trauma resulting from betrayal – can also leave us blind. In what Freyd calls, “betrayal blindness,” our ability to recognize abuse, or the extent of the harm being done is taken over by our need to maintain our relationship with our caretaker.

“Betrayal blindness is a way of not knowing that shields a child from an unbearable conflict,” writes Kahn.

Much of the reason betrayal blindness affects us so strongly is because, unlike our capacity to detect injustices, detecting betrayal threatens our innate desire to be loved, or at least to maintain the image that we are lovable.

We can dissociate, developing what is called, “traumatic amnesia” as a way to simply avoid seeing what is so painful and emotionally overwhelming. We can also experience a dual awareness, sort of a knowing and not knowing, remembering and not remembering, as a way to split off that part of ourselves that is painful, and keep it out of reach.

And betrayal blindness distorts a child’s ability to accurately perceive danger in relationships, which makes them more vulnerable to abuse by partners and lovers as adults. Kahn writes, “One of the cruelest truths about childhood trauma is the way it revisits its victims when they adults. People who are victimized as children are more likely to be victims of domestic violence or to be sexually assaulted as adults.”

When trauma is not healed, it remains out of our cognitive reach, and outside of our awareness, driving us to recreate situations that are familiar, although again traumatizing. Yet sometimes these conditions can happen in therapy.

Kahn tells the story of Elizabeth, a woman who suffered sexual abuse by her father at a young age. After making considerable progress in therapy, Kahn asks Elizabeth if she could include parts of her story – with her identity protected – in an upcoming journal article. Elizabeth responds that she feels as if she has to say yes, because saying no would jeopardize her relationship with Kahn, and yet saying yes also means that she will go home and hurt herself.

Kahn tells her that it is her choice, although she will be disappointed if she says no. When Elizabeth reacts very strongly, stating that she “doesn’t know if she can continue in therapy, and that her past is now off limits for discussion,” Kahn realizes that they are in a therapeutic reenactment of the excruciating bind she felt as a child. “She wanted to please her perpetrator, the person she was dependent on and who was supposed to love and protect her, but when she pleased him, she felt complicit in her abuse,” she writes.

Later, when Kahn and Elizabeth are able to repair the relationship and discuss how betrayed Elizabeth felt by Kahn, Elizabeth tells her, “I never knew about the kind of relationships where someone really cares about you, where you can work through a conflict without destroying each other…I don’t think I will trust anyone until we have our first fight and successfully work it through.”

Filled with touching stories, poignant moments, and brilliant therapeutic insights, Baffled By Love, should be required reading for any clinician – new or seasoned.

Baffled By Love: Stories of the Lasting Impact of Childhood Trauma Inflicted by Loved Ones
Laurie Kahn
She Writes Press (2017)
Softcover
243 Pages

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