Lisa Find Love

For parents, the teen years can be nothing short of tumultuous. Teenagers’ intense sensitivity, hair-trigger emotions, and seemingly unhinged behavior can make parents feel as if they have no power in the relationship with their children, or even worse, that they are losing a part of themselves.

“Parenting a teen is a particular type of two-dimensional birth. And just like birth, it involves magnificent pain and equally magnificent pleasure,” writes Christa Santangelo.

While teenagers’ risky behavior can lead to power struggles, it is also an opportunity for parents to look within, confront their fears and transform their life, as well as that of their teen.

In her new book, A New Theory of Teenagers: Seven Transformational Strategies to Empower You and Your Teen, Dr. Christa Santangelo, a Yale trained clinical psychologist with twenty-five years’ experience treating troubled teens, offers parents a wise and comprehensive guide to turn what is often the most challenging time into a time of growth, transformation, and healing.

“It is often the most exasperating teen moments that can be the catalyst that opens new spaces in the parental psyche,” writes Santangelo.

In these moments, parents often realize that those who love us can hurt us the most. Yet Santangelo contends these moments can also be our most powerful healers.

To begin, parents must be willing to grow internally, to expand their sense of self to incorporate those parts of themselves that have been neglected — their traumas, unmet needs, fears, and innate need for connection.

But the only way a teen can learn to tune into her limbic rhythms and listen and respond to her internal needs is through the steady hand of a parent who knows the joy that comes from deep, sustained human connection.

The effects of fostering — or failing to foster — human connection can have widespread implications. Santagelo writes, “If you are alienated from your teen, they may be alienated from the gems of social fabric. And unless you embrace your teen emotionally as they change and give birth to this new (and possibly, in our eyes, strange) creature of a self, you will fail to be their refuge. And we all know the value of refuge in times of great chaos and uncertainty.”

In order for connection to emerge, however, parents must learn to endure emotions. They must learn to confront their shame, guilt, sadness, and anger. Santangelo writes, “Repressing emotions can have negative health consequences, because that denial leaves us without a compass with which to navigate our lives.”

When parents pause to contemplate how interactions affect them and how they are feeling — what is known as the “reflective capacity” — parents can learn to step back from their immediate and intense reactions to their teen behaviors and develop more open, thoughtful, and helpful responses.

One exercise Santangelo suggests is that parents name a feeling that may be blocking their ability to be present with their teen, name a problem that may be related to this incapacity, and make a commitment to a daily practice that will increase their capacity to feel discomfort and grow from it.

It is also crucial for parents to learn to see teens’ behavior in the larger context of their need to exercise their burgeoning independence, feel a sense of autonomy, learn new things, and make mistakes from which they can grow – and the first part of this is paying attention to the extreme reactions they have to their teen.

Santangelo writes, “Often these reactions are the sum of early experiences and emotions. The inner child is a metaphor and tool for identifying this set of primitive or early emotions; listening to this part of you with your adult self is the solution.”

Teenagers require a sort of holding on while letting go, and in the process, challenge their parents to confront their own – often hidden – fears and insecurities. It is a dance where both parties are transformed. As the teenager grows, expands, and becomes his own, a parent must also expand, look within, and confront those parts of herself that have been overlooked.

By discovering the profound purpose that brings them together, new possibilities arise for connection, awareness, and profound transformation. As Santangelo writes, “How you engage with your teens’ troubles can be medicine for your own soul.”

Drawing on her rich and textured multi-dimensional approach, illuminated through the powerful stories of her clients, Santengelo offers parents a paradigm shift in how they parent, live, and love — one that will turn moments of despair and frustration into profound moments of growth and transformation.

A New Theory Of Teenagers: Seven Transformational Strategies To Empower You And Your Teen
Seal press, November 2018
Paperback, 208 pages

from Psych Central http://bit.ly/2VmNTiB

The NCAA scrapped the Bowl Championship Series in favor of a playoff system. But does it truly crown a national champion?

from HowStuffWorks - Learn How Everything Works! http://bit.ly/2jynZpS

You may never see it happen live, but if you do, consider yourself lucky. Because this meteorological phenomenon doesn't happen very often.

from HowStuffWorks - Learn How Everything Works! http://bit.ly/2F1FdIC

This all-female unit of Soviet bomber pilots during World War II helped pioneer the role of women in military aviation.

from HowStuffWorks - Learn How Everything Works! http://bit.ly/2F2e6gt

When my husband died in 2006, I discovered that the distance between life and death was very short. It became very clear that we are here one moment and gone the next.

Death is immediate.

I may even go as far as to say that death is not inside our linear time. If you blink you would miss death. It comes and it takes us outside of this reality, and moves us into a place outside of a linear existence. The place outside of time is a real place, but since we understand life through the concept of time we can’t understand that this place exists.

But it does.

It is also non local, meaning you can’t find it the way you find everything else on a map. It does not have an actual location. And since death has no time and no location we think it is the end. But it isn’t.

Death is a doorway into a different existence. And because I wanted to discover what this existence is like without dying, I studied, researched, learned and then took all of it and built a bridge, an opening, a way in. And I have been going in and out of there every day for 2 years. The bridge takes you deeper and deeper the longer you travel on, and the more you frequent on it.

I wrote each step in my new book Where Did You Go? So you could go too. You see, this place which we call the afterlife is a place we can visit while living and we can use its wisdom in this life. Here are some of the things I learned about life while I was visiting the afterlife in these last two years.

1. Miracles are real and can be frequent.

We use the word miracle because we perceive synchronicities, unexpected healing, visitations from our loved ones as rare phenomena. But the truth is, there is a deeper reality that tells us life can be full of miracles and wishes fulfilled. And we have to start to view our life from this miraculous place.

Once we believe that there could be daily miracles, we start to find them everywhere. It may appear as magic but not to those who understand how the hidden levels of reality work. One thing to keep in mind is that you are surrounded by miracles waiting to happen if only you start believing in them.

2. Death is a doorway to a bigger room.

There is no death, just a pathway to another view of reality. The person you lost only died in your reality but not in theirs. For them, everything changed, and they still exist. They want you to understand that, so they can tell you some things they never got to say when they were here with you, living in this existence.

I learned over the last two years that it is not just for our own healing that we must connect with our loved ones, but for them also. Healing needs to take place on both sides. This was surprising to me, when I was informed of that. Of course it makes sense now, but at the time I wanted to write this book to help the living. Because I did not think the ones who are no longer with us needed this too. Now I know.

3. You can talk to the people you lost every day.

There are many ways to talk about our loved ones, and you must find your own way to do so. How? Try different types of doors. You can go to a well-known medium who has gone back and forth through the door many times. You can do different programs that teach you how to connect. Of course you can also read Where Did You Go? But I want you to know there is a way there, find it, go to them and let them tell you the things they have been wanting to tell you.

For those of you who worry that this will activate your grief, I want to say that it actually helps you heal at a deeper level than anything else I have ever seen. Trust the process and believe in what you receive. Don’t question your own ability to connect. You have been born with this gift, I am sure you have heard of kids connecting better and faster than adults. It is because we are meant to. And like Lady Gaga would say, you are born this way.

4. We don’t have to wait for our loved ones to visit us, we can visit them.

Ever since I can remember I heard people ask me and others things such as have you had any signs? Or has he visited you in your dreams? I am here to tell you that this is a two-way street. We are also meant to visit with them. This is still a relationship. Different of course. But still a relationship that needs both parties to put effort forward. I can hear them laughing at that. And telling me why would anyone think that all of a sudden they have to do all the work? It makes sense right?

5. Life is our own creation

Half way through Where Did You Go? you will discover that the path changes, there is a plot twist as someone called it. As I was traveling back and forth to the reality we cannot see, the more life I found. It appears that the place we go when we are no longer physically here, is also the place we get to create life from. It is as if afterlife is where creation stems from. It is not after life it is Life Beyond Life. It is where everything starts from. Your dreams. Your wishes. Your whole life is created from there. And you can create with your loved ones too. This is my favorite part.

6. Your loved ones want you to know they did not die.

Imagine if you are waving at someone everyday and they can’t see you. This is how it feels for them. They are trying to get your attention but you are not looking for them. Look for them so they can be seen. They are waving at you and want you to wave back.

7. There are no ghosts.

I used to be afraid of ghosts, and anything to do with death. After all, movies, media and the whole world it seems, makes it all look and sound creepy. No wonder we are so afraid.

I believe that ghosts are holographic creations of our minds. Our loved ones are not ghosts, they are energy and consciousness that is around us. When we do see them, it is their way of making themselves known in a holographic way, as this is the way we are told that we are able to see them. But when we start to see them with our eyes closed then they will come to us in different ways. The ghost industry is way too big and in many ways wrong. It is as if they want to make us believe in this very scary world. When all this is, is the most beautiful world you can ever imagine. One day we will all experience it first-hand.

8. Heaven is for real.

Yes, it is. Not that you needed me to tell you this, but it is. The place from which this reality is being projected from is where Heaven is located. Which also includes the people we think we lost. It is where light comes from and gives us this image of this world. It is actually called the Holographic principle and there have been studies on this and it has been scientifically proven. This reality is an image being projected from the 2D dimension where light, energy, and our consciousness exists always.

9. God/source/universe/ is the first creator, who observed you into existence.

There was a first creator, who observed our creation. You see, reality here cannot exist without someone observing it and therefore creating it. Observation equals creation. And there is so much to say about this, but what you need to know here is that unless an earlier form of consciousness observed us, we could not have existed. When there is nobody looking at the stars we are being told that the stars cannot be there. This is one of the most fascinating theories out there. Einstein used to say “I want to think that the moon is there when I am not looking at it.” Even he didn’t want to consider that possibility but it was one that he had to.

10. You are never alone.

I know it feels like you are all alone with nobody by your side, but one thing I know for sure is that not only your loved one is by your side but many others. You are surrounded by angels, guides, loved ones and a whole cosmos. Not only do you have company but they want to help, connect and be a part of your journey. Let them in.

For those of you who want to know more about all of this, I hope your order a copy of Where Did You Go?

There are two different kind of re-entries after loss. One where we start to build a new life for ourselves. And another where we have experiences with life beyond life that allow us to bring forth certainty that love never dies. And you are never left behind. This type of life reentry cannot be missed. I have helped many people start over after the loss of a loved one, and one question that never goes away until it is answered is “WHERE DID YOU GO?”.

My own answer is, that he never went anywhere, he has always been here.

I look forward to your own answers that can only be given through your own lenses and experiences.

With a lot of life beyond life,
Christina

from Psych Central http://bit.ly/2Syvdua

Adults with ADHD are all-too aware of their shortcomings at work and regularly bash themselves for their inconsistent productivity and sinking motivation. But there are many things you can do to thrive at the office.

For starters, it’s important to recognize that all workers struggle.

“It would be a mistake to assume that non-ADHD or neurotypical workers do not struggle with some of the very same ebbs and flows of productivity, focus, and prioritization difficulties,” said Aaron D. Smith, MS, LMSW, ACC, a certified ADHD coach who helps individuals with ADHD and executive functioning challenges to bridge the gap between their current performance and their potential.

“The difference for ADHDers is that these issues pose a more significant challenge due to the degree of severity in which the symptoms manifest.”

It’s also important to recognize that workplaces are responsible, too. Ironically, many workplaces aren’t optimized for working. As Smith noted, many are noisy and commotion-filled, and have insufficient training and internal processes.

So what can you do?

The key is to focus on your strengths and to mitigate your challenges, said Smith, founder of Potential Within Reach.

You can start by finding the right job for you (if possible). “A lot of challenges can be avoided if the job is right for how your brain works,” said Linda Swanson, MA, PCC, PCAC, an ADHD coach who specializes in working with adults and college students with ADHD.

To help you figure that out, Swanson suggested considering these questions: “What type of work will hold my interest longest? Do I need a lot of variety and action or something on which I can hyper-focus for extended periods of time? Do I work best in a calm, peaceful, minimalist environment, or do I need an environment that is busy and stimulating to my senses? How connected do I need to be to the end product of my work or my employer? What kind of supervisor do I find most helpful?”

It also can be tremendously helpful to get input from a coach or an observant, nonjudgmental friend, since self-awareness can be difficult for individuals with ADHD, Swanson said.

Whether or not you’re able to find the best job for you, below are nine tips to help you capitalize on your strengths and minimize the challenges.

Create structure. “When there are no externally provided anchor points in time or space, someone with ADHD is likely to get lost,” Swanson said. “Since the ADHD brain often does not readily create structure, structure has to be created externally.”

You can establish structure in how you schedule your day and arrange your workspace. For example, a 10-minute walk every two hours can become an anchor point, which reminds you where you are in the day, and helps you to pause and make sure you’re working on what you need to, Swanson said.

An anchor point in your workspace can be a whiteboard to jot down your schedule, ideas, and reminders (something that works great for one of Swanson’s clients). “It’s important that the arrangement work with your brain, and not the brain of your office manager, or you’ll start losing things.”

Know your priorities. “Don’t let the stream of emails, phone calls, and random chatter from co-workers get you distracted from your big-ticket items,” said Smith. How do you know what those are? Smith suggested asking this question: “At the end of the day when I look myself in the mirror, what tasks do I have to complete today to feel satisfied and productive?” These might not be easy or enjoyable, but they are important.

Plan backwards. Swanson shared this suggestion from Marydee Sklar’s course “Seeing My Time”: Ask yourself, “What is the last thing I need to do before this?” until you get to the first step of your project. (For example: “What is the last thing I needed to do before I give my presentation?”) Write each step or task on a sticky note, and put all of them “on your paper calendar so you can see your project laid out before you,” Swanson said.

Get clarity on projects. Smith stressed the importance of making sure you understand the aim and specifics of a project before you start. He suggested taking good notes, and following up by email to confirm the details. “It’s much better to get feedback early on than to realize that you misheard or misunderstood the project midstream.”

For example, one of Smith’s clients was working on a project for weeks before realizing that the objective wasn’t what he thought it was. He ended up being “late with the work and [investing] a significant amount of time on something that he ultimately needed to scrap.”

Match tasks to your energy levels. That is, if your focus is sharpest in the mornings (and your energy levels dip in the afternoons), block out time to work on an important report in the a.m., Smith said. “[I[f you can anticipate these fluctuations in energy, then you can respond in ways that mitigate their impact.”

Decompress before tasks. This is especially helpful if you’re feeling angry or overwhelmed. Smith suggested taking a few minutes to breathe and re-center yourself. “Don’t overly identify with the emotional state of mind. Just observe it, breathe through it, and then let it pass.” And refocus on the present moment.

Stay curious. Smith suggested being curious and asking questions about work procedures and practices. “If a process does not make sense and there is a better way to do it, be professional, but assert your ideas.” This provides “an opportunity to contribute on a deeper level and helps keep our ADHD brains engaged for the long haul.” (Of course, some workplaces will be more receptive to this than others.)

Don’t go it alone. Create a support system of people who understand you, don’t judge you and offer support and encouragement, Swanson said. She also noted the importance of having an accountability partner, such as a friend, family member or colleague. “Perhaps you decide to send an email to let your buddy know that you have done your daily planning, and you send that by a certain time each morning.”

Advocate for yourself. Disclosing your ADHD is a complicated issue with advantages and disadvantages. On the one hand, it can spark stigma. On the other hand, you can request accommodations—and your employer can’t fire you for actions related to your ADHD, Smith said.

Whether you disclose or not, you can still be an assertive advocate for yourself by framing your requests in this way, he said: “I work best under these conditions.”

I work best in a quieter environment, so I’d like to move to a different office. (Which is what one of Smith’s clients did.) I work best with noise-canceling headphones. I work best when I’m not frequently interrupted, so I’d like to tape a “Do Not Disturb” sign to my door. I work best when I can record meetings.

(Smith mentioned a product called “the Live Scribe Pen, which makes a digital copy of your handwritten notes, and records the audio. This way you can go back to a part of the meeting where your attention drifted off, tap on the page and bring up that audio.)

ADHD can make certain aspects of your job challenging. But by knowing yourself, harnessing your strengths, and being your own best advocate, you can shrink those challenges, and absolutely thrive.

from Psych Central http://bit.ly/2AmcuLd

from HowStuffWorks - Learn How Everything Works! http://bit.ly/2QgHDFh