Lisa Find Love

Studies have shown that people spend less than half of each day really being productive. So, why not reduce the workweek to 32 hours and get more done? Although it's worked at a number of companies, others balk at making the change.

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What's 63 feet long, 46 feet tall and filled with 12,000 cubic feet of helium? One of the behemoth balloons at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Learn how many balloon wranglers keep the parade afloat and other fascinating facts.

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We can all relate to feeling put upon and irritated by some people, but powerless to stop accommodating them. Though we take issue with their behavior, needs, or implicit demands, it’s not so easy to set limits. We may be uncomfortable with conflict and not want anyone to be mad or disappointed. We may feel bad and genuinely want to help, or want to be liked and seen as a good person and team player.  

Using wishful thinking and taking the path of least resistance, we get pulled into repetitive patterns where we feel controlled, build up resentment, and want to escape or act out. People tend to deny or overestimate what they can actually tolerate or do — failing to have realistic expectations of themselves or others — even when it’s predictable how scenarios will play out. Rather than face what’s true and accommodate that reality, we act based on what we think we and others should be able to do — or hope the problem will disappear. 

Further, when we do try to set limits with certain people we still can’t get them to respect what we tell them. Popular misconceptions and even subtle strategic errors can make setting limits a losing battle. The good news is that you can easily become successful – using a method that sidesteps struggle, and puts you in control.

Popular mistakes that cause boundary setting to fail:

1. Telling people what they should do — or not do (and why they’re wrong).

This creates resistance and struggle. Trying to change or manage the other person is not likely to be well-received — or successful, especially when unsolicited and there’s a pattern of problematic behavior. Most people don’t like to be told what to do and why they’re wrong. Or they may not be able to stop.

2. Poor timing/wrong intent: reacting from anger/frustration in the heat of the moment when you’re at your wit’s end.

This “approach” triggers a reaction in kind, escalates and prolongs the situation. It is a desperate attempt to try to force the other person to do something. Turning up the volume sends executive functions offline — further limiting a person’s ability to control themselves or process information.

Limits are different than punishment and are not motivated by, or delivered in, anger. The feelings/motivation behind what we do affects the message received, and determines its impact. 

3. Trying to get people to admit/own up to something or recognize that the limits are for their own good.

This approach creates a control struggle around autonomy inviting argument, debate and resistance/counter force. It is experienced as emotional force: trying to control how the other person thinks or feels — and can also be humiliating. 

4. Saying too much, justifying, over-explaining and being invested in convincing the other person that what you’re saying is reasonable or right.

This approach seems insecure, relinquishes power, diminishes credibility. Allows an opening for opposition or argument. It is associated with needing validation, fear of the other person getting mad, or the misconception that logic works when emotions are at play. Setting limits effectively requires coming from a position of strength (different from dominance/force) — being grounded and emotionally separate from the other person. 

5. Being unprepared — including not factoring in what you already know about how things will realistically play out.

This sets up preventable failure. Or having a plan but not consistently doing what you say you’ll do. Sabotages credibility. Also, intermittent reinforcement increases problematic behavior.

Essential ingredients of effective boundary setting:

1. Tell the other person what you are going to do, not what they should do. You’re only in control of what you do, but what you do can limit the other person. Think ahead, troubleshooting in advance to anticipate predictable resistance/reactions — incorporating this information into your plan.
2. Be firm but dispassionate, clear and concise both when boundaries are established and when enforcing. Introduce limits at neutral times and then calmly, without fanfare, in the relevant moment. No tone, no struggle, no explaining. Minimal effort. Effective consequences stand on their own.
3. Make it about you and your limits — NOT about them or what’s best for them. Stay in your own lane. This works because it’s argument-proof and can’t be refuted.
4. Offer up that you could be wrong. Being “objectively” correct isn’t related to success here. Making it about your opinion or simply what you’re comfortable with or not puts you in charge without imposing anything. Allowing the other person to hold onto their viewpoint prevents a control struggle and is respectful. Easy.

Examples of effective and ineffective limit setting:

1. Your teen wants to go to an unsupervised party.

Mistake scenario:

Teen: (mad) “It’s ridiculous — I’m 16, why do you have to know who I’m with always? I’m not doing anything wrong. You obviously don’t trust me.”

Mom: “I do trust you. But I don’t know what your friends are up to.” (Engaging and trying to convince.)

Teen: “Oh so you don’t trust my friends either.” (eye roll).

An extended debate ensues.

Effective scenario:

Mom: “As a parent I have to respect what I’m comfortable with, right or wrong, I’m just not comfortable with you going to an unsupervised party.”

Teen: “Why do you have to be so paranoid?”

Mom: “Maybe I do worry too much/am old fashioned but, as a parent, I have to do what I think is right in good conscience/can live with.”

2. You spouse, teen, or anyone sounds irritated upon contact:

Mistake:

Parent or spouse approaches Cody…

Cody: “WHAAAAAT…” (irritated, annoyed)

Parent or spouse: ”Why are you always so disrespectful/in a bad mood?  I’m pretty nice to you. You don’t hear me answering like that.” Argument ensues. (Guilt trip, provocative)

or

“Forget it, I’m not going to tell you.” Cold shoulder. (Passive-aggressive, creates ongoing tension, negative vibe continues longer.)

Effective: 

(Neutral tone) “Oh sounds like you’re in a bad mood/having a bad day. Text me later when you’re around and it’s a better time.” Walk out/hang up. 

3. Finding yourself pulled into a deteriorating conversation with your partner:

Mistake: 

“Why are you always yelling?”

“Stop talking, I can’t take it.”

“Why are you denying being mad?”

Walks out  — without saying anything. (Provocative, passive-aggressive)

Effective: 

“I’m taking a break from this conversation. We can continue later.” Calmly walk out. (Trusts instincts and avoids engaging but provides reassurance that you’re not bailing or abandoning.)

“I’m not comfortable talking now. I’ll come back/Let me know later when you want to connect.”

4. Co-worker who asks for help a lot or engages you in unwanted conversation:

Mistake:

Co-worker: “Hey — I got this email …”

Linda: (Engaging but being unfriendly, not saying much.) “Hmmm…” (Too indirect, still depleting, doesn’t solve the problem.) 

Linda: “I’m on deadline right now.” or “I don’t feel well today.” 

Co-worker: “Oh that’s ok, can you help me afterwards tomorrow?”

Effective:

“I’m at my capacity limit and need to focus my time/energy on my own work.”

“I can’t really concentrate in these conversations because I’m distracted by having to do my work.”

“I’m not going to respond anymore because I have to concentrate on my work.”

“Sorry — can’t help. I need to focus on/spend all my time on my own work from now on.”

5. Intrusive or needy family member/relative/friend who thinks you’re on call.

Calling or texting repeatedly, the intrusive person asks, “Why aren’t you answering my texts/calls???” 

Mistake:

Sam: “I’m busy.”

Intrusive person: “Where were you before?”

Sam: “At the gym.”

Intrusive person: “Oh so I guess you have time to exercise then.”

Sam: “Well I need to be healthy…”

Intrusive person: “Well so do I but….”

Effective: 

“When I don’t answer just know it means I’ll get back to you when I can.”

“I’m limiting screen time, text, email, phone so it may take a while for me to get back.”

“I’m actually off my phone at work now so I won’t be responding then.”

Boundary setting is challenging. Most people have difficulty and, without a  strategy, resort to repeating the same tactic when unsuccessful, trying harder, or giving in. Another common obstacle is  feeling it’s mean or selfish to set limits, but it’s actually hurtful not to. Boundaries protect relationships — allowing us to put our own oxygen mask on first, rather than be disingenuous, set ourselves up to become resentful, and then want to escape. With the tools to be successful, you can now take charge.

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The annual Leonid meteor shower is back, and peaks in the early-morning hours of November 18. It's made up of tiny bits of debris from the comet Tempel-Tuttle. Here's how to see it.

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Gondwana was a humongous landmass that persisted for 300 million years before it began to break up, forming all the continents in the modern Southern Hemisphere.

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We all know what it feels like to be burned out. But does that really mean that our brain is tired? And is it the same as when other muscles tire out?

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As a therapist, I am a keen observer of human behavior and interactions. I have long been fascinated by what makes people tick. Sometimes I am in awe of the altruism and generosity I witness and sometimes shake my head in disappointment, when those who have the capacity to help don’t always. Then again, I freely admit my biases and judgements, so if this resonates with you, it is not meant to shame, but rather to call on a common humanity.

A few years ago, my friend Ondreah and I were on our way to an event at one of our favorite retreat centers called Mt. Eden, as I steered my Jeep into a gas station once we crossed the bridge that brought us from Pennsylvania to New Jersey. Anyone who lives in the Keystone State knows that the Garden State boasts gas prices that can be as much as 20 cents a gallon cheaper. As the attendant was pumping the gas (there are no self-serve gas stations there, hence the bumper sticker that reads “Jersey girls don’t pump their own gas.”), I noticed a bare-chested man wearing shorts, stumbling in the street and then collapsing. It was a scorchingly hot summer day, so his plight felt more immediate. I dialed 911 and described the scenario. I was transferred to a local dispatcher and once again described what I was witnessing playing out before my eyes.

By this point, the man had rounded the corner facing the bridge and literally stepped in front of a car that was stopped and draped himself across the hood and then slid back down to the street. Carrying the phone, I walked toward him and at the request of the police officer, I handed my phone to the bridge guard and I leaned down to speak with the man who identified himself and declared that he was drunk. I could hear a siren in the distance, heralding the arrival of help. Then, I walked back to the car and we were on our way.

A short while after we arrived at the gathering, I ran into someone I knew, and I described what had transpired. His response surprised me. He replied that it would have been ok either way — whether or not I chose to help. I was incredulous. I was taught by my parents that if someone was in need and you could help, it was your role to do so.

I remember many years ago, again at a gas station (I see a pattern developing here) in a rather dangerous neighborhood in Philadelphia, I witnessed someone being robbed. Back then, there weren’t cell phones, so I found a pay phone and called the police from there.

I believe that we are not responsible FOR each other, but rather, TO each other. We live on this island Earth together. How is it possible for someone to walk away if they are able to lend a hand? If I couldn’t intervene directly, I would always seek someone who could.

Remember Kitty Genovese? The following excerpt is from an article in the New York Times written by Martin Gansberg on March 27, 1964:

For more than half an hour 38 respectable, law-abiding citizens in Queens watched a killer stalk and stab a woman in three separate attacks in Kew Gardens.

Twice their chatter and the sudden glow of their bedroom lights interrupted him and frightened him off. Each time he returned, sought her out, and stabbed her again. Not one person telephoned the police during the assault; one witness called after the woman was dead.

The above reported events are true and took place on March 14, 1964.

The brutal murder of Kitty Genovese and the disturbing lack of action by her neighbors became emblematic in what many perceived as an evolving culture of violence and apathy in the United States. In fact, social scientists still debate the causes of what is now known as “the Genovese Syndrome.”

When witnesses were questioned about why they didn’t call the police, the answers ranged from thinking it was a lovers’ quarrel, to fear for their own safety, to simply not wanting to get involved.

Since then, it has come to light that the number was exaggerated. My take is that whether it was 38 or 8, it is our social responsibility to help if we can.

The truth is, I’m no hero and there were other people who eventually gathered around the man on the bridge and picked him up and got him to safety on the grass while awaiting the ambulance. I was glad to see that as well. We are all in this together and my choice will always be to exercise my social responsibility.

An experience that hits closer to home unfolded over the past few weeks. A college friend with whom I had shared an apartment in my 20s reached out to me. She found herself in dire straits and knowing that I have what I call my ‘social worker’s rolodex brain’ of resources, she contacted me as we brainstormed ways of helping her through it. I had many suggestions that one by one, she checked off as having already done them, and, sadly, she discovered that she fell through the cracks of the system. The next step was to set up a GoFundMe page to ask for financial assistance. We spent time crafting what I thought was a clear and powerful message:

As a professional woman in the health care field, I spent much of my life taking care of others. Now I find myself in the distressing position of needing help. 

It was a cascade of events that led me to my current situation. I am homeless and unemployed. I am using a walker to get around since being in a few accidents and the cumulative effect of lifting patients. I have attempted to utilize the social service system in Florida, to no avail. I am not eligible for them. I am also medically compromised and in pain.

I have been in touch with an organization that may be able to help me with permanent housing.

What I am asking for is some financial assistance to get me over the hump of living in my vehicle, until I can get something more stable.

I am grateful for whatever you can offer.

She requested what was not a huge amount of money and, with the number of people we both know, we imagined that the response would be filled easily and quickly. Not so. Three out of thousands of people donated to the campaign. I had sent money prior to creating the page. I consider what many frivolously spend money on without thinking twice. For the price of a cup of coffee and donut, if each person who saw it made a donation, she would be well taken care of. Although I can only be responsible to my own choices and can’t legislate anyone else’s conscience, I feel disappointed.

I asked her if she had contacted friends directly and she told me, “I spoke with a couple of people this week and the mirror effect may be happening here, it’s scary for people to acknowledge that someone on their tribe/circle is actually experiencing this.”

Call it the ‘mirror effect,’ or ‘bystander syndrome,’ by which people think the other person will help, my question is how to help people get past this and not use it as a reason to allow for suffering and struggling when the means to help are at our disposal.

When contemplating that query, I consider this song “What Must Be Done” by Brother Sun:

I learned as a child there are two ways to see,
the world as it is and the way it should be.
Some people say that’s just not my problem,
some people do what must be done.
They see the hole in the fabric that must be sewn.
They see the way blockaded and they roll back the stone.
They see the day beyond the horizon
and they do what must be done.

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