Lisa Find Love

I am waiting on a wooden bench in the open courtyard of an old house in Kolkata. It’s a sultry summer morning, and seated next to me is a blonde girl in her early 20s. She’s trying to read a book, but looks distracted. There’s almost total silence around us. “I can’t believe I’m here,” the girl next to me speaks up suddenly. I smile back at her. We are in the house where Mother Teresa lives.

The year is 1989, and I am in my final year of college. A friend needs to pick up some documents from house number 54A on AJC Bose Road, where the famous founder of the Missionaries of Charity (MoC) lives. My friend is working on a story on her and needs the papers for his research urgently, but is stuck with something else today. Since Mother House is not far from my college, I have offered to help.

I meet a nun in a white sari with blue-striped borders at the MoC office. She needs a little time to put the papers together and asks me to wait in the parlor. This is where I meet Sharon, a student from Minneapolis, in the U.S. Midwest. Sharon grew up reading about Mother Teresa and dreaming of meeting her some day. She had started saving, from her pocket money and earnings from summer jobs, for her trip to India. She would meet Mother Teresa and volunteer at the MoC when she had enough for a return ticket, she had decided.

And today was that day. A few days ago Sharon had already started volunteering at Nirmala Shishu Bhavan, the MoC orphanage down the road. Today, she had been granted an audience with the woman who had touched her with stories of her kindness. “This has been my dream,” she says, lowering her voice. I could feel her excitement as she spoke.

“Have you met her before?” she asks me, assuming I too am waiting for my turn to meet Mother Teresa.

“Um, no, I haven’t had the chance,” I gulp.

She looks surprised, and I see why. I have lived in this city all my life, the city that Mother Teresa made her own, where she built an institution that saved millions, giving them a decent life, or dignity as they died. This is the place from where she inspired millions across the globe to come and volunteer and donate for her cause. Here is an American girl who has traveled thousands of miles to see her. And me, I’ve been here all along.

Of course, Mother Teresa has had more than her share of criticism, often from people who saw ‘an agenda’ in her service to the poor. But that’s not why I haven’t made an effort. I have read about her work, watched her on TV. But it’s never passed my mind to come down and see for myself.

“Do you think they will let me see her if I ask?” I look at Sharon, almost wondering aloud. “You must try to since you are here,” she says, with a big smile.

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I am back at the office where the nun, who met me earlier, seems to be in charge.  “We’re almost done, dear. You’ll have everything in a few minutes,” she says. “Thank you so much, Sister, but I have a request,” I say hesitantly. The nuns at Mother House hear this request so often that she isn’t surprised at all when I ask her if I can see Mother Teresa briefly.

“There’s only one visitor for her this morning, so you are lucky,” she smiles. “But you will have to promise me something.”

“Sure, whatever you say.”

“She is recovering from an illness and is very weak now. She loves meeting people and talking to them, but you must make sure she does not speak too much. OK?”

I nod vigorously, unable to contain my excitement. I am very pleased that I had offered to help my friend this morning. Of course, I’ve read about Mother Teresa’s illness in the news. She had a serious heart condition and was recovering at home.

“We’ll call you when it’s your turn,” the nun tells me.

I return to the courtyard to give Sharon the news. We do a spontaneous high five and before we know it, she is called in. As I wait, I try to think of something meaningful to say to Mother Teresa in the two minutes I would have with her. There were no selfies to fill up spaces between people back then. I have no idea how long I had spent letting my mind wander, but suddenly I find Sharon is back.

“How was it?” I ask her excitedly. But, before she could answer, it’s already my turn. “I’ll wait for you here,” Sharon tells me as I leave.

Another nun from MoC briefs me, as she takes me up the stairs to the first floor. Mother Teresa is taking a walk around the veranda. “Please be brief, her doctor has asked her not to exert herself,” the nun tells me somberly. I see her as I reach the head of the staircase and start walking toward her. She looks hunched and more shrunken than I have known her to be in all her pictures. She is walking slowly, with a rosary in hand.

I am now standing before Mother Teresa. Her eyes twinkle and narrow as she smiles gently at me. “How are you feeling?” I ask her, haltingly. She comes closer, looks at me, and smiles.

“Let me bless you, my girl,” she says faintly. As her palm rests on my head, I feel a mild shiver running down my body. I am a bit startled by it. I look at her gentle face and a warm rush fills me, as she looks me in the eye. I find tears rolling down my eyes, as I feel her palm on my head. I am not sure how to describe it, but I have never felt this way before. I want to speak, but I stand there tongue-tied. I am not able to make sense of this powerful experience. Mother Teresa blesses me silently and, as she is done, I reach out for her hand. It’s frail and cold—she lets me hold it for a moment. “Thank you,” I manage to say the words somehow.

I realize my time is over, so I turn around and run down the steps.

Sharon is waiting on the bench. We don’t say a word to each other. We will spend the rest of the day talking about our experience. We will become friends and she will inspire me to volunteer at the orphanage down the road, until I start my career as a journalist. We will write letters to each other for the next few years, until life catches up with both of us. Until I lose her address while moving to New Delhi. 

But we are holding the moment now. We hug each other briefly but spontaneously, overcome by our experience. We sit on the bench for a while, saying nothing. We are strangers, worlds apart, bound together by a moment. The moment that Mother Teresa touched our lives and blessed us. 

For more on Mother Teresa, read these inspirational quotes from the Catholic saint.

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You may not realize it, but you squat almost every day. You may have done a squat when you went to grab something from the bottom drawer of your dresser or when you go to pick up your kid. But, doing a squat for the purpose of building muscle and control of your body is something that requires a little more thought. Make sure that you’re not doing these exercise moves that actually work against you.

Maurice Williams, Owner of Move Well Fitness, says that doing a squat correctly depends on the make up of your body. “Things such as limb length, flexibility and past or current injuries can dictate how you squat,” says Williams.

The two muscles that you need to keep in mind when doing a squat are your calves and hips. Making sure that they are stretched and warmed up before you start doing squats is essential. “They are responsible for helping your butt muscles move in and out of the squat. If they are not flexible, your form could be on shaky ground, which could lead to injuries,” says Williams.

The National Academy of Sports Medicine outlines these steps to performing the ideal squat:

1. Begin by standing with your feet shoulder-width apart, toes pointing forward, your back straight, and your head up with your eyes forward
2. Squeeze your glutes and push your shoulder blades towards your spine
3. Descend as though you are sitting in a chair, keeping the knees aligned over the second and/or third toes
4. Come back up keeping your glutes engaged and your eyes forward; repeat for as many reps as you want

If you are having trouble maintaining this body position as you squat, there are a few things you can do. Place a stability ball in between your back and a wall. Perform the squats while moving the ball up and down the wall to keep proper back placement. You could also try squatting onto an actual chair to make sure that your knees are tracking over your toes properly.

It’s important to know how to do a squat properly so that you not only get the most out of it, but also so that you don’t injure yourself. Now that you know how your body should look and where your muscles should be placed, try incorporating this technique into the squats you do in your everyday routine. Try this variety of squat exercises to tone your body.

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An estimated 10 to 30 percent of the population is living with seasonal allergies. As seasonal allergies get worse with unseasonably warm weather and pollen release, more and more people are looking for ways to augment their usual allergy treatments with alternatives. One of the therapies on the list is taking probiotics for allergies.

Probiotics are the good bacteria that live in your gut. They are often touted as helping to improve digestive issues but more research is finding that probiotics are actually beneficial for a variety of bodily functions, from mental health to immunity. In fact, a recent meta-analysis on probiotics and allergy symptoms performed by researchers at Vanderbilt University Medical Center found that many studies show that probiotics may help ward off allergy symptoms.

According to Dr. Justin Turner, the lead researcher on the analysis, says that while it is still unclear how probiotics help ward off allergy symptoms, “Several studies suggest that they may alter the immune system and reduce inflammatory signals that are associated with allergies.”

Seasonal allergy symptoms typically include a stuffy or runny nose, sneezing, itchy and watery eyes and sometimes, puffy eyes or swollen nasal passages. The study looked at the results of 23 previous trials. Overall the researchers found that probiotics seemed to benefit people that suffer from seasonal allergies, improving their symptoms, especially providing nasal relief.

Dr. Andrew Nickels, Assistant Professor of Medicine, Vanderbilt University Medical Center says, “Probiotics have been shown, in some studies, to be associated with improved symptoms of allergic rhinitis. Unfortunately, it is unclear which strains of bacteria found in the probiotics would be most helpful and the studies that have investigated this topic have shown mixed results. ”

Although probiotics have shown lots of promise for the future of allergy relief, they are still classified as a supplement and further is research is needed before doctors are able to recommend when and how to take probiotics for allergy relief, according to Dr. Turner.

Still, probiotics offer some hope for those who aren’t happy with the results from allergy shots—currently the best allergy medicine available—as future research is still underway.

Dr. Nickels says, regarding the future of probiotics research, “There is some evidence that taking probiotics while getting allergy shots may make the allergy shots more effective. While the current numbers of patients studied are small, there is excitement in the field that probiotics could be a helpful addition to treating allergic rhinitis.”

Probiotics are naturally present in many foods, such as yogurt and fermented foods like sauerkraut, and you can also find them as supplements.

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While hydrangeas might not top many florists’ lists of sturdy, long-lasting vase flowers, there’s no denying these blooms make a stunning display. To keep your hydrangeas bright and beautiful for as long as possible, it’s best to know a thing or two about them (hint: they’re thirsty!). Here, florist Nic Faitos, senior partner at Starbright Floral Design in New York, explains.

Buy them fresh. In order to get the most bang for your buck (or the longest run out of your garden flowers), you’ll want to make sure you’re starting with truly fresh hydrangeas. Look around for any browned edges or collapsing flowers, and make sure the stems are submerged in fresh water. If you’re cutting the flowers yourself, do it in the morning, and place them straight into a bucket of water. Similarly, if you’re buying the flowers from a farmer’s market or florist, keep a bucket of water in your car to place them in for the trip.

Inspect the stems. “The name hydrangea includes the word water,” says Faitos. “These flowers like to be hydrated.” That said, expect to change the vase water at least once a day. If you see the flowers are not drinking—meaning the water in the vase isn’t going down—you’ll want to give the stems a fresh cut. “It means the stem is clogged,” says Faitos. Be sure to recut at a 45-degree angle.

Add extra water. Although hydrangeas will get their main drink of water through their stems, you can also apply water directly to their petals. Simply fill a spray bottle with water, and give the flowers a spritz once a day.

Resuscitate them in no time. If you notice your hydrangeas looking a little dull or droopy, it might be time for the florist’s version of an emergency IV. “Fill a bowl with room temperature water and dunk the flowers in upside-down,” suggests Faitos. “Leave them like that for five minutes, take them out, and return them to the vase.” The boost of water should revive the blooms.

MORE: 17 Cut Flowers that Last the Longest in a Vase

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Therapists bother me¹. For most people, this is not an issue. They can dodge therapists like politicians can dodge honest answers. Being a therapist, I don’t have the luxury of dodging other therapists. Instead, I often sit in meetings with, make multiple phone calls to, and conduct therapy near many, many therapists. Alas, enduring therapists has become a cross I have to bear, just as society will always bear the oppressive yoke of lying politicians.

As a therapist, I often find myself doing many therapist-y things, like thinking about why I dislike therapists so much. The other day I was in a meeting, a meeting of only therapists (of course), and one of the reasons I dislike therapists struck me: therapists love talking about safety.

Just about everything therapists do or say seems to come back to the idea of “creating a safe space for people to explore their true feelings.” But safety, specifically in therapy, is about as specious a promise as the promise to “Make America Great Again.” Not only is the promise a farce, but even if it could become true, the meaning of the promise rests too heavily on the promiser’s understanding of the words “great” or “safe.”

In reality, therapy isn’t safe. By definition, therapy is the process of understanding not only the self, but the context in which the self develops. At any moment, therapy could reveal that you never loved your lover, that your parents never really cared for you, or even that you hate yourself. How, I wonder, can any of this process be considered safe? The only therapy I can think of that would ensure safety would be therapy that would never be worth exploring. This is a therapy that blinds you, tells you your life at status quo is fine, and kills the desire to deepen your relationships. Therapists can’t promise safety in psychotherapy any more than scientists can promise that water isn’t wet or nuclear reactions are safe. Therapy, like a splitting atom, is inherently dangerous.

So what can therapists promise? I believe that when most therapists speak of safety in therapy they are actually referring to trust. I cannot promise my clients that exploring the depths of their personhood and context will cause them no harm, but I can promise them that they can learn to trust me in the process. I cannot promise my clients that the truths they come to won’t influence the way they look at themselves or others, but I can promise them that I will do everything I can to understand their process as they come to truth. The inherent danger of psychotherapy is valuable within the confines of a trusting relationship, just as the danger of nuclear reactions is valuable within the confines of power plants (or at least, sort of).

It would be easy to read this article and assume that the difference between trust and safety are primarily semantic and have little to no effect on the therapeutic process. But emphasizing safety over trust has drastic implications for the therapeutic process. First, when therapists emphasize safety, rather than trust, they are denying their clients’ reality. Clients walk through our doors in terrible pain and often understand the route to healing will require even more. Emphasizing that therapy is a “safe place” communicates that the expectation in therapy is that there will not be pain or that “everything will be okay” if they are able to talk about it. In my experience in psychotherapy nothing could be further from the truth. Clients have to struggle with their pain, wrestle with their insecurity, and grapple with realities that have been slowly drowning them for years. Simply telling our clients, “it’s okay, this is a safe space” communicates that their reality isn’t as pressing, that their pain isn’t as real as it seems to them. Emphasizing therapy as a safe place inherently denies our clients’ reality, blunting emotion, and neutering the therapeutic process.

Highlighting safety in psychotherapy also masks clinical information that is particularly valuable. Typically, therapists emphasize safety in psychotherapy when they experience resistance or hesitancy from their clients and feel they need to do or say something to assuage disclosure. But clients’ resistance to disclose is often a greater sign of the work they need to do than the content of what they are disclosing. Recently I began work with a client who was particularly anxious about her therapeutic work. She came into my office and began asking me questions about myself, about how I view therapeutic work, and about how I work with clients. Her anxiety about therapy was palpable. At this moment it would have been easy to assert that therapy is a safe place and it is okay for her to disclose about her own process and what she needs. Instead, I reflected:

“Talking to a complete stranger about the most difficult things in your life is pretty petrifying, isn’t it?”

The client paused and smiled, “I had a panic attack on the way over here, and I almost didn’t walk into your office.” Resisting the urge to use the concept of safety to ease her anxiety, the client and I further explored what was making her so anxious.

“What’s the scariest thing about talking to me?” I asked.

She paused again and queried, “Why do you care about me?”

“That’s a great question” I responded, “I care about you because you are in front of me.”

The client looked at me as if I were insane.

“Let me explain a little bit better. For me, therapy and healing are deeply embedded within my understanding of ethics and personal responsibility. From all I’ve studied and from all I’ve thought through, I believe that on some level everyone’s suffering is always asserting, ‘Don’t let me die alone’ (Levinas in Orange, 2011). So I believe that my duty to humanity begins with not letting people die alone. That is why I care for my clients.”

My client’s anxiety melted, and like ice to water, turned to a weeping sadness. She sobbed, “I feel so much like I’m dying with my pain and I’m all alone.”

At many points in this scenario, it would have been easy for me to emphasize safety as a means to sooth my client’s anxiety and pain. But at each juncture, I was able to emphasize trust by inviting my client to explore who I am with her. This revealed much greater clinical information than simply asserting “this is a safe place, it’s okay to talk to me” ever would.

Last, I’ve also found that many clinicians attempt to use the notion of safety to communicate to their clients that they will be “judgement free” and that they can “talk about anything.” While the notion of a person being “judgement free” is certainly alluring, the reality is therapists cannot even imagine what it would be like to be judgement free, let alone make such a promise to clients. The only way a therapist could ensure that the therapy room is actually “judgement free” is to have a complete knowledge of what a client will talk about and how the therapist would experience what the client will talk about; both of which are impossible in therapy. As a result, therapists are luring clients to a false sense of safety through lies. This “come hither” lie of being a “judgement free clinician” creates dulling, unrealistic expectations for therapy. Clients who are willing to believe this farce come away with the belief that nothing they say can influence the therapist negatively, limiting their agency within the therapy process. Clients aware of this sham must be able to rightly recognize it as a therapist’s attempt to “get into their psyche,” creating even more neutering distrust between the client and clinician.

All of these notions share a common theme: safety dulls therapy. Whether it is in denying a client’s reality, keeping pertinent clinical information covered, or lying to clients, therapy becomes less impactful by emphasizing safety. Therapy is valuable not because it is safe, but because it is trusting. I don’t want a therapist that assures me they will keep their understanding of truth out of the therapy room, I want a therapist who promises to be honest and reflective about their experience without the threat of terminating or destroying our relationship. The safe therapist promises only to pad my delusions while the trusted therapist promises to expand the very bounds of what I understand relationship to be. The dulling illusion of safety evaporates in the daring reality of trust. Or at least make it so I can stand sitting next to therapists in meetings.

1. I like to joke with therapists, because well, they are therapist. But honestly, I love therapists. I am a therapist — I even married a therapist. Sometimes we have to make a little bit of fun of ourselves because, if you haven’t noticed, we can be really weird.  

References:

Orange, D. (2011). The suffering stranger: Hermeneutics for everyday clinical practice. New  York, New York: Routledge.

from Psych Central http://ift.tt/2lAiJV6

Eat like a caveman

Kyle Kranz is a 29-year-old former athlete who lost 85 pounds after gaining weight steadily after suffering a bad injury because of a car accident in middle school. “I was unable to play football and soccer like I previously had,” he says. Then a friend of his, who was starting to focus on his health a bit more, invited Kranz to join him during his freshmen year of high school. While in high school, he credits his weight loss to 75 percent dietary changes and 25 percent working out, which for him, consisted of mostly lifting weights, since the accident didn’t allow him to run. But the greatest difference for Kranz came from curbing what he puts in his mouth every single day. “You lose weight quickly when your diet changes from fast food, soda, and chips to meat and vegetables. I was the high schooler eating pre-portioned and pre-prepared—thanks for the help, Mom!—chicken breast and veggies for lunch. I also found out I actually enjoyed lifting weights, and put together a fairly respectable home gym in a spare bedroom,” he says. Though he eventually recovered and was able to become an endurance athlete, doing everything from swimming to cycling to running, Kranz maintains a caveman-like attitude toward nutrition. “My favorite health advice is something I read from Michael Pollan, when he said, ‘Eat real food. Not too much. Mostly plants.’ Eating real food and not processed junk was the biggest game changer for me,” he says. (Follow these 40 fast, easy tips to lose weight.)

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What could be more basic than breathing? Inhale, exhale, repeat…right? Not exactly. While Western science and medicine focuses on breathing as a bodily function integral to survival, Eastern health sciences approach it as nourishment for both body and spirit. The Chinese believe that mindful breathing, or “breathwork,” has numerous benefits, including improved focus and efficiency, increased positivity, and greater physical and mental energy. Traditional Chinese medicine practitioner Alex Tan suggests following these steps to get started:

1. Get comfortable. Tan recommends standing or sitting with your spine straight, your neck elongated, and the crown of your head reaching up toward the sky. Relax your muscles completely—if necessary, concentrate on each muscle group as it loses tension and relaxes.

2. Observe your breath. Become conscious of your breathing and notice any patterns. Are you breathing slowly or quickly? Do your breaths come easily or are they labored? Recognize the continuous cycle of breathing in and breathing out.

3. Concentrate on inhaling and exhaling. Become mindful of each inhale and exhale. As you inhale, fill your lungs fully with air, expanding your belly to allow the the lungs to fill completely. Push all of the air out with the exhale as slowly as possible. Begin to shift your focus primarily to controlling your exhalation, which will lead to slower, more controlled breathing overall.

4. Breathe through your nose. Inhale and exhale only through the nose. Your mouth should be closed with your tongue pressed against the roof, but your teeth should be relaxed and unclenched.

5. Keep your mind present. The goal of breathwork is to focus on each breath and the cycle of breathing. If you start thinking about your to-do list or let your mind wander, you’ll no longer be in control. Be mindful of each breath as your lungs fill with oxygen on the inhale and slowly release it on the exhale. Concentrate on the process of breathing in and out, or focus your attention on your abdomen as it expands and contracts with each breath.

6. Consider timing. Breathwork can be practiced any time, but Tan recommends doing it early in the morning to prepare your body and mind for the day ahead. Try incorporating it into these exercises for a more mindful morning. Wait at least an hour after eating to begin, and don’t drink anything cold for a half an hour after you’ve finished a session. No matter what time of day you choose for mindful breathing, Tan advises making it a regular practice at the same time each day as regularity is important to overall wellness.

Once you can breathe mindfully, it becomes easier to be present in other parts of your life. Soon, you’ll be able to meditate without trying at all.

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