Some time ago, I wrote a post about how single people can readily call to mind all of the traits and features that they are looking for in a mate, yet these preferences seem to go right out the window when people make real-life dating decisions. Research consistently shows that what people say they want in a partner has virtually no bearing on who they actually choose to date in a laboratory setting.1,2
from Science of Relationships RSS feed http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2014/12/31/2014-editors-choice-awards-1-making-difficult-dating-decisio.html
from Science of Relationships RSS feed http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2014/12/30/2014-editors-choice-awards-3-feeling-like-a-doormat.html
Unfortunately, you are not alone. Over 1.8 billion people own smartphones and use their devices on a daily basis. Some studies estimate that an average person checks their screen 150 times a day.
This widespread use of technology trickles down to the youngest members of our society. Data from Britain shows almost 70 percent of “11- to 12-year-olds use a mobile phone and this increases to close to 90 percent by the age of 14.”
In a recent publication, it was noted that 56 percent of children between the ages of 10 to 13 own a smartphone. While that fact alone may come as a shock, it is estimated that 25 percent of children between the ages of 2 and 5 have a smartphone.
It should come as no surprise that smartphones and tablets have now replaced basketballs and baby dolls on a child’s wish list. Elementary school-aged children start asking, or let’s say begging, for these forms of technology before they can even tie their shoes.
This raises the question of how mobile technology, typically found in smartphones, affects childhood brain development. This topic has been creating a lot of debate among parents, educators, and researchers. Unfortunately, smartphones are relatively new and a lot of the gathered evidence is unclear or inconsistent.
That means that is important for parents to consider the potential effects smartphones can have on childhood psychology and development.
A lot of research has been conducted over the years to understand how children learn. There are many theories circulating, but Jean Piaget might be the most respected in the education field. He was one of the first people to study how a child’s brain develops.
His cognitive development theory basically explains how learning is a mental process that reorganizes concepts based on biology and experiences. He deduced that children learn the same way — their brains grow and function in similar patterns, moving through four universal stages of development.
Educators have been implementing a variety of techniques and methods into their lessons that build on Piaget’s principles. Children need to experience the world around them to accommodate new ideas. Children “construct an understanding of the world around them” and try to understand new ideas based on what they already know and discover.
For children, face-to-face interactions are the primary ways they gain knowledge and learn.
Dr. Jenny Radesky of Boston Medical Center, became concerned when she noticed the lack of interaction between parents and children. She had observed that smartphones and handheld devices were interfering with bonding and parental attention.
Radesky said, “They (children) learn language, they learn about their own emotions, they learn how to regulate them. They learn by watching us how to have a conversation, how to read other people’s facial expressions. And if that’s not happening, children are missing out on important development milestones.”
Screen time takes away from learning and physically exploring the world through play and interactions. It can be noted that doctors and educators are worried how the overexposure to touch-screen technology can impact developing brains.
Radiation from cellphones has long been a primary fear of how smartphones can affect a brain. However, the radiation theory hasn’t been proven and many professionals claim cellphones do not expose us to enough radiation to cause harm. That may provide parents a little relief, but it appears that the radio frequencies emitted from a smartphone might actually harm a developing brain.
The temporal and frontal lobes of the brain are still developing in a teen and they are closest to the part of the ear where teens tend to hold their device. In fact, “research has shown that both the temporal and frontal are actively developing during adolescence and are instrumental in aspects of advanced cognitive functioning.”
Besides exposing developing brains to radio waves or harmful radiation, researchers are looking into how smartphones and the Internet can hinder or enrich brain function. Dr. Gary Small, head of UCLA’s memory and aging research center, performed an experiment that demonstrates how people’s brains change in response to Internet use.
He used two groups: those with a lot of computer savvy and those with minimal technology experience. With brain scans, he discovered that the two groups had similar brain functions while reading text from a book. However, the tech group showed “broad brain activity in the left-front part of the brain known as the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, while the novices showed little, if any, activity in this area.”
As a child ages it often feels like they need to practice technology to stay on top of the modern advancements. However, Dr. Small’s experiment shows that after a few days of instruction, the novices were soon showing the same brain functions as the computer-savvy group.
Technology and screen time had rewired their brains. It appears that increased screen time neglects the circuits in the brain that control more traditional methods for learning. These are typically used for reading, writing, and concentration.
Smartphones and the Internet also affect communication skills and the emotional development of humans. If a child relies on electronics to communicate, they risk weakening their people skills. Dr. Small suggests that children can become detached from others’ feelings.
If a human’s mind can be easily molded, imagine the connections and wiring that is happening in a brain still developing.
However, there is no concrete proof that mobile technology is linked to adverse outcomes. Smartphones and technology do offer benefits to our children. Here is a quick rundown of the benefits technology can offer our youth:
Many experts and educators feel that interactive media has a place in a child’s life. Smartphones and tablets can foster learning concepts, communication, and camaraderie.
Here are a few recommendations to make the most of time spent on a smartphone:
Health officials seem unable to agree on the impact smartphones and similar devices have on developing brains. Studies contradict each other and new benefits to technology are uncovered regularly.
Obviously, parents do need to stay informed. They should be aware of the possible side effects a smartphone can harbor. All of this inconclusive evidence can lead a parent to question when they should allow their children access to smartphones or technology. However, one thing all the experts seem to agree on is that moderation is key.
References
Babycentre. Is screen time good or bad for babies and children? BabyCentre. Retrieved from
Ballve, M. (2013). How Much Time Do We Really Spend On Our Smartphones Every Day? Business Insider. Retrieved from http://www.businessinsider.com.au/how-much-time-do-we-spend-on-smartphones-2013-6
Chapman, G.D., & Pellicane, A. (2014). Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World. Retrieved from http://www.amazon.com/Growing-Up-Social-Relational-Screen-Driven-ebook/dp/B00J48B03K
Glatter, R. M.D. (2014). Can Smartphones Adversely Affect Cognitive Development In Teens? Forbes. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/robertglatter/2014/05/19/can-smartphones-adversely-affect-cognitive-development-in-teens/
Howley, D.P. (2013). Children and Smartphones: What’s the Right Age? Laptop Part of Tom’s Guide. Retrieved from http://blog.laptopmag.com/kids-smartphones-right-age
McLeod, S. (2009). Jean Piaget. Simply Psychology. Retrieved from http://www.simplypsychology.org/piaget.html
Neighmond, P. (2014). For The Children’s Sake, Put Down That Smartphone. NPR. Retrieved from http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/04/21/304196338/for-the-childrens-sake-put-down-that-smartphone
Williams, A. (2014). 7 Steps to Ease Your Tween into a Smartphone. TeenSafe. Retrieved from http://www.teensafe.com/blog/smartphones/7-steps-ease-tween-smartphone/
from Science of Relationships RSS feed http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2014/12/28/2014-editors-choice-awards-8-dont-let-fear-of-rejection-hold.html
He looked at her with a blank stare and admitted there wasn’t one.
“Well no wonder you’re depressed. Your life is awful, and you can’t see any way it is going to get better,” she said.
“But I don’t know how to change my life,” he told her.
“Well, from now on, the course of our work together is going to be creating that light at the end of the tunnel,” she said.
A year later Vilhauer’s client transformed his life, leaving his dead-end job to build a successful business.
Vilhauer recounts this story in her book Think Forward to Thrive: How to Use the Mind’s Power of Anticipation to Transcend Your Past and Transform Your Life .
She began asking her other clients about the light at the end of the tunnel, and was surprised to find many of them didn’t see one either. “Most of them didn’t know how to change their future, and many of them didn’t even believe it was possible,” she writes in her book.
This inspired Vilhauer to start searching the psychology research for information on future thinking and eventually create Future-Directed Therapy (FDT). FDT helps people with depression create positive expectations about their future and then take action to achieve their goals, leading them to thrive and have a greater sense of well-being.
FDT is best for mild to moderate depression and for people who struggle with motivation and have been stuck for a while, said Vilhauer, assistant professor at the Emory University School of Medicine and the Director of the Outpatient Psychotherapy Program at the Emory Clinic.
FDT is based on the understanding that the brain is anticipatory in nature, she said. “We are constantly evaluating our experiences based on what we expect those situations to mean for us as we go forward in life.”
People use past experiences to predict the future. They generally take actions consistent with their expectations, not with their goals or desires, she said. Many of us don’t even realize that our negative expectations are what lead to negative outcomes by creating self-fulfilling prophecies, Vilhauer said.
She shared this example: If a person wants a meaningful relationship, but believes their past relationships have been failures, they likely hold the expectation that a new relationship will fail again, too. As they begin a new relationship they might be sensitive to any signs that it’ll go bad, and quickly break it off after a conflict, as opposed to trying to work through the problem. Another relationship ends, and then reinforces the person’s expectation that they’re not good at relationships.
In FDT the therapist would help this person recognize the problem and change their expectations to align more with what they want, such as a successful relationship, she said. “Then the client would work on identifying the obstacles to their goal and create a plan for how to achieve it.”
FDT focuses on what people would like to achieve instead of what they don’t want in their lives. People with depression often focus an inordinate amount of their thoughts on what they don’t want in life, she said. “We can only think a certain number of thoughts or actions. If the majority of your thoughts and actions are about the things you don’t want, you’ll end up with a life you don’t want.”
She explains to her clients that our thoughts and actions are limited resources like money: We don’t go to the store and spend all our money on items we don’t want, and yet that is what many people do with their thinking.
Thinking about what we want activates positive emotions along with mental functions that boost your ability to achieve your aspirations.
As she writes in Think Forward to Thrive, “Whenever you think about your desired future state, several solution-generating, problem-solving mechanisms in your brain kick into gear. However, when you focus on what you don’t want and you experience the resulting negative emotions, this inhibits the area of your brain responsible for these functions from working properly.”
FDT is generally taught in a classroom type group setting. It is a 20-session treatment that lasts 10 weeks. Clients attend the class twice a week for 90-minute sessions. The first session focuses on teaching skills. The second session focuses on applying those skills to the person’s daily life. Clients also can learn FDT skills in a one-on-one setting with an individual therapist.
FDT is divided into two phases. The first five weeks focus on the cognitive process. This phase “teaches people how their thoughts directly create their future experiences,” Vilhauer said. The second half of treatment focuses on taking action — “implementing the changes they’ve made in their thinking.” This phase also teaches people specific skills, goal-setting and problem-solving, she said.
A common misconception about FDT is that it’s all about positive thinking. According to Vilhauer, FDT is “about teaching people how to think effectively about the experiences they’re trying to achieve in life so they can create more positive experiences for themselves.”
That’s because when your thoughts focus on achieving a goal — and things are going well — you’re far more likely to engage in actions that’ll lead to that behavior, she said.
“I like people to realize that they don’t have to be limited by their past experiences,” Vilhauer said. She includes this quote from Joseph Nuttin in her book: “It is far more important for man to know whom he wants to become than who he is now.”
Future-Directed Therapy helps people with depression discover who they want to be and teaches them the steps to get there. In other words, it helps them find and move toward the light at the end of the tunnel.
This page includes two studies conducted by Vilhauer and her team on FDT’s effectiveness.
This book examines the future-oriented nature of our brains.
This article explores the evidence that people are driven by the future.
Read more about parental approval and interference in romantic relationships here.
We’re always looking for fun new ways to share relationship science with our readers. So when the folks at DatingAdvice.com contacted us and asked if we’d be interested in helping them create an infographic that highlights some of the great relationship science about dating that’s come out recently, we were more than happy to oblige. Admittedly, identifying the best empirical studies on relationships is a monumental feat. Simply put, relationship scientists all across the world produce so much great research that it’s hard to narrow the list. So we (the ScienceOfRelationships.com team) combed through hundreds of articles and chose a handful that highlight some interesting findings about dating, with an eye towards those studies that we could translate into fun graphics. The folks at DatingAdvice.com did the same, added some graphic design magic, and put them all together for the infographic below. If you’re dating now, have dated in the past, or plan on dating in the future, you might be surprised by some of these findings. Share widely.
Gottman defines stonewalling as “when a listener withdraws from an interaction” by getting quiet or shutting down, she said.
“I describe stonewalling to clients as when one person turns into a stone wall, refusing to interact, engage, communicate or participate. Much like what you’d expect from a stone if you were talking to it!”
Partners emotionally or physically withdraw because they’re psychologically or physiologically overwhelmed, said Mary Spease, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in couples therapy in La Jolla, Calif.
They “are typically trying to avoid conflict or escape from conflict; they’re trying to calm themselves down during a stressful situation,” Nickerson said.
For instance, they may refuse to discuss certain topics or feelings, struggling to tolerate the discomfort. They may turn away, stop making eye contact, cross their arms or leave the room because they feel hurt, angry or frustrated, Spease said.
She described stonewalling as “an uncomfortable and hurtful silence.”
Stonewalling is a complex issue. People shut down for myriad reasons. People who have experienced trauma may disconnect from themselves and thereby disconnect from the relationship, said Heather Gaedt, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in Palm Desert, Calif., who specializes in couples (particularly with those with eating disorder and addiction issues). Partners might shut down because they’re keeping secrets or feel resentment if it’s a topic they’ve talked about over and over.
Not surprisingly, stonewalling is damaging to relationships. “The person who chooses to stonewall is no longer participating in self-reflection and subsequently personal growth,” Spease said. Rather than contributing to the well-being of the relationship, they impede it from moving forward, she said.
According to Nickerson, “The recipient of stonewalling feels ignored, misunderstood, invalidated, and just plain hurt.” Many people tell her “they feel so unimportant that they don’t even deserve a response.”
In fact, she said, stonewalling is so destructive Gottman found it to be highly predictive of divorce.
So what can you do if you’re stonewalling or your partner is stonewalling? Below you’ll find experts’ insights.
Recognize you’re shutting down.
Gaedt stressed the importance of tuning in internally. For instance, she said, you might pay attention to your bodily sensations, which are connected to your emotions. A lump in your throat might mean sadness. Burning in your chest might mean anger. A fluttering in your stomach might mean anxiety. Tuning in helps you figure out what you need and prevents you from doing or saying something you’ll regret.
Communicate how you’re feeling.
Nickerson suggested taking several deep breaths and communicating what you need to stay productive. “If you need a break or reassurance or a timeout until tomorrow, ask for that.”
Gaedt suggested talking to your partner ahead of time about the best way to communicate with them. Because, as she said, this may be different for every couple. One partner might respond to phrases like “I felt this when you said that,” but another partner might not. You might ask: What is the best way for me to talk to you so you hear me?
(Sometimes, no matter how you communicate with your partner, they still might not hear you. But don’t let that stop you from communicating honestly, Gaedt said.)
Learn to soothe yourself.
“It is extremely valuable for anyone to continually practice self-soothing as we are the only ones that have control over our emotional state and behaviors,” Spease said. That is, it’s our responsibility to calm ourselves so we’re able to respond — not react.
Often partners think they should soothe or fix each other’s emotions and make things better, she said, but we must do our own emotional work. This includes being honest and clear with yourself and your partner about what feelings are arising.
Self-soothing is very individualized, Gaedt said. She suggested considering the activities that are genuinely calming for you.
Recognize it’s not about you.
This is the way your partner has learned to manage their emotions, Gaedt said. In the same way, if you shut down, it isn’t your partner’s fault, she said. Trying to get your partner to open up (i.e., trying to fix or change them) only leads to resentment on both sides.
“To believe that you have the power to make your partner behave in a particular manner if you simply express something the ‘right way’ is dangerous,” Spease said. It often leads to people taking on more responsibility than is theirs in the relationship, she said. This often leaves you “feeling angry or not good enough when they choose to shut down despite your loving approach.”
Talk beforehand.
Talk to your partner about the best way to communicate with them when they’re shutting down, Gaedt said. (You can talk about this in the same conversation as above.) In other words, what’s a helpful way for you to talk to them when they’re starting to withdraw from the conversation?
Detach and set boundaries.
“When you recognize that your partner is stonewalling, you can choose to lovingly detach and not enable or perpetuate an unhealthy dynamic,” Spease said.
When you keep trying to get your partner to engage with you when they don’t want to, you communicate that you’ll tolerate this kind of behavior, and there’s no motivation on their part to change (when you’re doing it for them), she said.
“[D]etaching and setting a clear boundary sends the message that although they have a right to behave as they please, they cannot do so while in connection with you. By removing yourself from the situation, your partner is left with no one to focus on (or blame) but themselves.”
Gaedt shared these examples of boundaries: leaving the house and doing something for yourself; asking your partner to leave because you have a hard time being around them; or telling them you want to attend therapy as a couple in order to stay in the relationship.
In fact, because stonewalling sabotages relationships, seeing a therapist who specializes in couples can be tremendously helpful.