Lisa Find Love

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Valentine's Day is coming. Get ready by doing your reading...

Is it okay to propose on Valentine's Day? See the survey results here.

From BigThink.com

Lois Lowry’s The Giver is a classic read that portrays a bizarre society. Free will is questioned. Human emotions and experiences are absent. The novel creates a thought-provoking discussion regarding life and suffering: would an ideal world incorporate pain?

The Giver depicts life that is orderly, predicable and painless. In the community of Sameness, every individual has a specific, productive role to embody and execute. Choice is nonexistent and personal freedom is not an option.

Upon his twelfth birthday, Jonas is deemed the new Receiver of Memory and must begin training for this highly-respected position. The Receiver carries all the memories of the past that involve both pleasure and pain — nobody in the community is ‘burdened’ with such knowledge.

During training sessions, the current Receiver must give Jonas these memories. He gives him truth, the various realities that comprise the human experience.

The Receiver of Memory is responsible for storing troubling memories, which in turn, prevents suffering for everyone else. Yet, if pain and suffering are eliminated, is the experience of life itself also extinguished? I tend to think that we can derive meaning from overcoming adversity, from transcending pain into strength.

Memories pertaining to beauty, warmth and love are withheld, too. Perhaps the community could not bear to cope with grief, sadness and unpleasant feelings, should change occur — should pleasurable moments cease.

Buddhist notions reiterate that life is suffering and by following a particular path, we can rid ourselves of anguish. However, suffering, even as a result of desire, is part of being human. If we don’t try to go after what we want, if we don’t try to forge connections, afraid of getting hurt, something will inevitably be lost.

“Without desire, we wouldn’t be here,” John Amodeo, PhD, said in a Psych Central article. He references insight from Mark Epstein, a psychiatrist and Buddhist teacher who wrote the book Open to Desire: Embracing A Lust For Life. “To set desire up as the enemy and then try to eliminate it is to seek to destroy one of our most precious human qualities.”

“The scientific research that led to Attachment Theory, pioneered by John Bowlby, tells us that we’re wired with a need for connection — what he calls human attachment,” Amodeo said. “Without strong bonds, our immune system languishes and we’re more prone to anxiety, depression, and other ills. As we welcome our longings and uncover how they’re guiding us, we might find that our deepest longing is to love and be loved. Now, how can that be anything other than sacred?”

The Giver portrays a strict society that attempts to shield its members from suffering and joy. Yet, if pain is eliminated, if feelings and an assortment of experiences are excluded, it poses an unsettling question: are we really living at all?

When someone you care about ends a relationship, it can evoke feelings that range from disbelief to despair and everything in between. “How could this happen?” you think. “There must be something wrong with me.”

The same is true when someone with whom you’d like to explore a relationship doesn’t return the interest. “I thought I had a lot to offer—but maybe not.” When this happens—and we say “when” because it happens to nearly everyone—it’s easy to interpret the event as a painful rejection of the most personal kind. This interpretation isn’t merely hurtful; it can limit your future happiness, creating wounds and barriers that—if unchecked—can keep you from finding true love in the future.

For these reasons and more, when you’re interested in someone and that relationship ends (or doesn’t begin) it’s important to embrace a healthy perspective on what has just occurred. Here are some considerations to help you do just that:

1. Just the facts, ma’am. When a relationship comes to an unfortunate end, stick to the facts. Avoid piling on self-deprecating opinions like “This means I’m not worth loving,” or “Now I’ll never find someone to love,” or “I must not be very attractive.” These messages are not only untrue, but they can also generate even more pain than the loss of the person you cared about. In fact, if you find yourself more upset about what this breakup “says about you” than about the loss of the person you cared about, you are clearly heaping on self-condemnation and it’s time to alter your self-talk, even if that means seeking therapy to help you embrace a positive perception.

2. Realize that sometimes love simply runs out. When a breakup happens, that doesn’t mean you are flawed, nor does it mean you’ve failed. It may not even be about you at all. Sometimes, in the early stages, love just fades. It’s not necessarily about either partner. This is why it’s rarely wise to make a lifetime commitment within weeks of falling in love—the feeling may dissipate. It takes time to see if the love you share is the permanent kind. And if it’s not, it isn’t a statement about you at all. It simply means the relationship ran its course, and it’s better to discover that while dating than after a trip down the aisle.

3. Typically, breakups are more about a clash in vision than they are about any one person. Choosing to end a relationship usually occurs when one partner realizes something is out of sync with his or her vision for the future. We all have expectations about what we want from a long-term relationship, and sometimes reality doesn’t match up with those expectations. When that happens, it doesn’t mean that YOU are deficient or inadequate in some way; it simply means that WE together don’t have the necessary ingredients for an enduring partnership.

When someone you care about ends a relationship or declines to start one at all, the loss of that real (or potential) partnership is painful enough. So don’t add to the hurt by buying into the myth that it’s all about you.

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One of the most important gifts we can give our kids is time to play, both as a family and on their own. Finding time to play with kids can be a challenge if you are working, managing a household and meeting the many day-to-day challenges of getting things done. But play isn’t optional. It’s essential.

Play is considered so important to child development that it has been recognized by the United Nations High Commission for Human Rights as a right of every child. Play — or free, unstructured time in the case of older children and adolescents — is essential to the cognitive, physical, social, and emotional well-being of children and youth. Play as a family weaves the ties of love and connection that bind family members together.

• Play is needed for healthy brain development.75 percent of the brain develops after a baby is born, in the years between birth and the early 20s. Childhood play stimulates the brain to make connections between nerve cells. This is what helps a child develop both gross motor skills (walking, running, jumping, coordination) and fine motor skills (writing, manipulating small tools, detailed hand work). Play during the teen years and into adulthood helps the brain develop even more connectivity, especially in the frontal lobe which is the center for planning and making good decisions.


• Pretend play stimulates your child’s imagination and creativity.Studies have shown that kids who are encouraged to use their imagination are more creative in their adult life. Although artistic expression certainly is important, creativity isn’t limited to the arts. Creativity also helps people find new and innovative ways to do things and to invent new products that make our lives more productive, easier, or more entertaining. It’s the ability to “make believe” that can take people’s minds to places where no one has gone before.


• Play develops the brain’s executive function.Executive function refers to the mental skills that allow us to manage time and attention, to plan and organize, to remember details, and to decide what is and isn’t appropriate to say and do in a given situation. It’s also what helps growing children learn to master their emotions and to use past experiences to understand what to do in the present. These are the skills that are central to self-control and self-discipline. Kids who have a well-developed executive function do well in school, get along well with others, and make good decisions. Make believe play gives the frontal lobe of the brain, the center of executive function, a workout.


• Play develops a child’s “theory of mind.”“Theory of mind” is the ability to walk in another’s shoes. Kids who play lots of “let’s pretend” learn to figure out what their various characters would think about and do. Engaging in pretend games with others requires understanding playmates’ thoughts and feelings. A well-developed theory of mind increases a child’s tolerance and compassion for other people and increases their ability to play and work well with others.

Physical skills, emotional regulation, flexible thinking, the ability to get along with others and the confidence to try new things and think outside the box are all keys to being successful in life. So what can parents do to ensure their children develop these important skills?

• Encourage free play.I love the notion of “free.” It means both “unstructured” and “with no cost.” Both are essential for our growing kids.
  

  Yes, it’s important to provide kids with experiences that teach them new skills and how to work and play in a team. Whether a kid participates in soccer, the orchestra, a dance team or any other organized activity, he will learn how to cooperate with a group goal and will develop physically and mentally.

  
  

  But it’s equally important not to get so caught up in providing so many structured activities that our children don’t have time to just hang out with other kids and figure out for themselves what to do with their time. Kids who are too involved in organized sports, classes and activities can end up not knowing how to entertain themselves. Kids who are kept occupied every minute don’t have the time to flex their imagination muscles.

  
  

  Further, when the adults provide all the ideas for leisure time and set all the rules, kids are deprived of learning important social skills. Free play gives kids the chance to learn to work with others and to make compromises. After all, a kid can’t pretend to be a superhero without people to save. He can’t learn to take turns if there isn’t another kid who wants to be the hero too. If she wants other people to play with, she has to learn how to go along with others’ ideas and to get along with the gang.

  
  


• Think before you buy.Free play comes for free. Resist the temptation to buy the latest video game, construction toy or costumes. Kids who don’t have ready-made props for their play learn to improvise. Boxes and sofa cushions can become a fort. A superhero cape can be made out of a pillowcase. Dollhouse furniture can be created out of bottle caps and odds and ends from around the house. Kids who are encouraged to be creative by using what’s available instead of what’s in the store become more creative.


• Play with your kids.Not so finally, play helps connect family members. When everyone in the family is occupied with their own personal screen for entertainment, they don’t form the bonds with each other that come from enjoying time together. When everyone in the family spends some playtime laughing, giggling, and enjoying some spontaneous play, everyone feels good about themselves and everyone else.
  

  Parents who let their children direct the playtime learn much about their world. They can also provide some gentle guidance about positive behavior and problem-solving, if necessary, as the pretend game unfolds. Board games help older kids learn how to take turns, follow rules and be both polite winners and gracious losers. Time around the game board promotes conversation and cooperation — and maybe some friendly competition. Best of all, when families play together, they tend to be more supportive of each other and more interested in each other’s lives.

  
  

So shut down the screens for an hour or two after dinner a few times a week. Find that Chutes and Ladders game or that deck of cards that’s at the bottom of the toy box. Throw a sheet over the table to make a cozy tent. Hand out paper plates and challenge everyone to make an outrageous hat. Play hide and seek with the little ones and charades with the older kids.

Resist the “Do I have to’s” and the protests about limiting screen time. Get into it 100 percent yourself. Make it fun. Make ‘em laugh. Soon the kids — and you — will be looking forward to enjoying playing together. It’s an important part of what family is all about.

In conjunction with “Relationship Science Month”, we surveyed over 1,000 adults in the United States, representing 49 states (Alaska, step it up next time!), to learn more about what people really think about Valentine’s Day. Over the coming week, we’ll be sharing our results with you, our readers, including answers to the following questions:

• Do people love, hate, or view Valentine’s Day as “just another day”?


• Would people prefer to spend Valentine’s Day alone, in a bad relationship, or on a bad first date?


• Is it okay to go on a first date on Valentine’s Day? Is it okay to pop the question on Valentine’s day?


• Who should be responsible for planning Valentine’s Day festivities?


• Do people prefer to receive Valentine’s Day gifts publically (e.g., at work) or privately?


• What are the top ranked gifts for men and women on Valentine’s Day?


• What are the most preferred types of flowers to receive on Valentine’s Day? The least preferred?


• Do people expect sex on Valentine’s Day?


• What’s an acceptable amount to spend on Valentine’s Day gifts?

We’ll start rolling out the results very soon. In the meantime, we have provided a description of our study sample below so that we can focus on results in upcoming posts.

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I recently had to let go of someone who had brought my life great meaning and joy. Issues arose in which my only choices beyond self-deception were to spiral down a rabbit hole of dysfunction, or to seek help to unravel and address the issues. I was unwilling to do the first, and she was unwilling to do the second — the stalemate to separation.

Ending a relationship with someone you have loved, entrusted and been enriched by is a lot like having to go into the office and fire your best friend for embezzlement: it is hard for you to believe the facts, and this is a day and discussion you dread and try to postpone for as long as you can. Whether the reason for ending the relationship stems from the incompetence of apathy or the embezzlement of infidelity, it is still a painful decision to reach, deliver and execute. No one is immune from heartbreak.

So why do we so often fall into the dense fog of denial and deception? Why do we deny the existence of a problem in a relationship and psychologically defend dysfunction? And how do we break free of this denial to acknowledge and manage reality?

While studies show the existence of a truth bias that hinders our ability to detect lies once we become emotionally connected to a romantic partner (McCornack & Parks, 1986; Millar & Millar, 1995), little reliable data shows the prevalence of our own self-deception in romantic relationships. However, denial and self-deception are common in relationships where infidelity or abuse occur. In such relationships, the estimates of marital infidelity among American couples ranges from 26 percent to 70 percent for women and from 33 percent to 75 percent for men (Eaves & Robertson-Smith, 2007). This may give us a general idea of the fertile ground that is ripe for self-deceit.

Why Do We Do It?

As anyone who has invested in one can attest, romantic relationships are complex and defy a pithy definition or logic that explains the why they begin and end, thrive, or barely survive. One reality of relationships is that they do not need to follow the mind’s (practical) logic to be successful, but instead can heavily depend upon the heart’s (emotional) logic as a driver of satisfaction. One may describe a practical list of characteristics of an ideal relationship or mate, but after close examination many relationships may align very infrequently with those listed attributes and may actually be based largely on emotional needs, or even vulnerabilities, including fear and insecurity.

In fact, in the largely murky emotional shades of the heart’s grey logic, only splinters of the black-and-white view of the mind’s logic may actually exist. This may predispose us to denial and self-deception. To preserve the heart’s logic, our emotions commandeer those beliefs we see through our conscious vision. This subconscious greatly influences what the conscious sees, acknowledges, interprets and believes, and any dissonance comes in the form of denial.

Daniel Goldman (1996) writes: “When we deceive, delude or deny to our self, we mislead our self, we misrepresent or disown what we know to be true, we lie to our self, we refuse to acknowledge that which we know. The mind can protect itself against anxiety by diminishing awareness. In short, denial is a psychological defense mechanism that helps a person avoid a potentially distressing truth.”

Darlene Lancer (2014) offers another explanation of why we deny and self-deceive: “While attachments help create stability, there is a downside. Attachments are less concerned that you are happy with your partner and more concerned that you stay together. In fact, many people form an attachment to someone who they do not like as a person.”

The link between mental health and physical health and disease is well established (Miller et al., 2009), but its most immediate effects are on our psychological state. For example, infidelity is one of the most damaging issues in a relationship (Whisman, Dixon & Johnson, 1997). In cases of partner infidelity, where feelings of deception, betrayal, rejection, stolen dignity, anger, loss, mental anguish, self-doubt, mourning and bereavement (McCornack & Levine, 1990a) can all result in an increased risk of such mental health problems as depression and anxiety, we easily see why we would subconsciously avoid distressing truths that bring emotional tumult.

To add to the psychological maelstrom, denial and self-deception may also instigate self-criticism in addition to the feelings that normally accompany depression (Blatt et al., 1982). This has implications on the therapeutic process (Gilbert et al., 2006).

Yet denial and self-deception are firmly ingrained in all of our behavioral decision-making processes, including food choices, consumer purchases, substance use, and sexual risk-taking. We are on a lifelong quest to curtail our emotional vulnerabilities while managing and balancing our emotions. Ideally, we acknowledge and embrace our emotional needs and enjoy the full passion of love and romance without falling prey to denial and self-deception.

Escaping denial and self-deception and setting our paths on the road to healthier relationships requires four steps:

1. Look for the signs.Signs of denial and self-deception can range from feelings of suspicion to excusing, making exceptions, and rationalizing a situation. These indicators should prompt us to investigate whether an emotional block has been constructed to deny what may be painful truths. Darlene Lancer (2014) provides excellent examples of signs of this denial.


2. Conduct a reality check.We must share our suspicions or the facts with someone who can listen to us and provide objective feedback. A trusted confidante may be able to listen and not allow any of her or his own personal issues to taint an assessment of reality. But, ideally, a neutral third party such as a therapist might yield more objective, accurate feedback.


3. Brace yourself.Acknowledging reality can be emotionally painful. We must seek evidence-based resources to satisfy the mind’s logic, while identifying friends or family who can be the emotional supports we need to grapple with and soothe the heart’s logic.


4. Seek therapy.Depending on the significance of the relationship, the severity of the circumstances, and the decisions made, therapy can be a powerful catalyst to help manage the emotional responses, promote healing, and create greater awareness and sensitivity in relationships moving forward.

We will inevitably succumb to denial at some point in our love experiences and histories. Just as certain as a first kiss, a first rapture or a first heartbreak, we will go on to experience and sometimes repeat denial and self-deception in our relationships. This presents us with especially challenging recovery conditions. We must manage not only the consequences of a broken or terminated relationship, but also the feelings of guilt, embarrassment or self-criticism that may stem from knowing that we followed a distorted view of reality rather than seeing what was before our eyes and becoming wise stewards of our relationship. These four steps will help us to manage a tough reality.

References

Blatt, S., Quinlan, D., Chevron, E., & McDonald, C. (1982). Dependency and self-criticism: Psychological dimensions of depression. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 50(1), 113-124.

Eaves, S.H., & Robertson-Smith, M. (2007). The Relationship Between Self-Worth and Marital Infidelity: A Pilot Study. The Family Journal, 15, 382-386.

Gilbert, P., & Proctor, S. (2006). Compassionate mind training for people with high shame and self-criticism: Overview and pilot study of a group therapy approach. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 13(6), 353-379.

Goldman, D. (1996). Vital Lies, Simple Truths: The Psychology of Self-Deception. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

Lancer, D. (2014). Are You in Denial? Psych Central. Retrieved on January 21, 2015, from http://ift.tt/1oYNa12

McCornack, S. A., & Levine, T. R. (1990a). When lies are uncovered: Emotional and relational outcomes of discovered deception. Communication Monographs, 57, 119-138.

McCornack, S. A., & Parks, M. R. (1986). Deception detection and the other side of trust. In M. L. McLaughlin (Ed.), Communication Yearbook 9, 377-389. Beverly Hills, CA: Sage.

Millar M. G., & Millar, K. U. (1995). Detection of deception in familiar and unfamiliar persons: The effects of information restriction. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 19, 69-84.

Miller, G., Chen, E., & Cole, S.W. (2009). Health psychology: Developing biologically plausible models linking the social world and physical health. Annual Review of Psychology, 60, 501-524.

Whisman, M. A., Dixon, A. E., & Johnson B. (1997). Therapists’ perspectives of couple problems and treatment issues in couple therapy. Journal of Family Psychology. 11, 361-366.

It’s that time of year again. I’ve barely recovered from Christmas, and yet the stores have pulled out all the Valentine’s Day decorations and cards. When I spot the shades of red and pink at my local Target, I find myself silently groaning. Another gift to buy. Already. Again. Really?

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Anna Berry’s Unhinged is an intense read — a personal, in-depth account of the heartbreaking and grueling components of a life with mental illness. However, a pertinent takeaway message for readers is the optimistic road to recovery — one that doesn’t necessarily have to involve medication.

Unhinged delves into Berry’s painful history with mental illness. The beginning pages depict a rather exhaustive list of the multiple diagnoses she has received over the years. She validates her diagnosis of borderline personality disorder — an unstable childhood upbringing most likely left a poignant mark of trauma. Her mother and brother suffer from chronic mental illness that include serious bouts of schizophrenia and advanced obsessive-compulsive disorder. In addition, her father, who possessed symptoms correlating with sex addiction, did not facilitate a source of secure and healthy attachment.

An article on Psych Central discusses the link between trauma and borderline personality disorder.

“I’ll admit that when I hear that a client has borderline personality disorder (BDP), my first thought is ‘oh, this person is a trauma survivor of some sort,” Sara Staggs, LICW, MPH, said. “And while not all people with poor emotion management, impulsive and destructive actions, intense fear of abandonment and an unstable self image have a history of complex trauma, it gets me to a non-judgmental place where I’m able to be very open to hearing someone’s story.”

Berry becomes entangled in several toxic romantic relationships. She had a deep-seated desire to fill a void, to lose herself in someone else.

Throughout this book, readers will note her instances of psychotic episodes, homelessness, and struggles to rise above dire financial straits.

Unhinged portrays Berry’s pivotal rock bottom, and yet, she’s able to dig herself out of a massive hole that appeared dark and infinite. She transcended her illness, becoming a successful journalist, wife and mother. Medication did not comprise her recipe for wellness; she relied on mindfulness, meditation, positive self-talk and therapy.

“After several months of dedicated self-study, I feel the fog of my mental illness begin to lift,” Berry wrote.

“I have developed a level of self-awareness I have never known before. A life of mediation and mindfulness has literally changed my brain chemistry, in a way that no amount of medication can. I’ve discovered that Buddhist meditation is as effective, if not moreso, as western-style cognitive and pharmacological therapy in changing the behavior and brain chemistry of practitioners, up to and including increased sense of well-being, increased cognitive performance, greater longevity, higher levels of empathy, and increased levels of insight.”

“I exercise regularly and eat a healthy diet — which might sound trite or even self-important, but multiple studies have shown that making healthy physical choices also boosts your mental health and can even directly combat mental illness ranging from depression to schizophrenia.”

While medication may be vital for certain individuals, it’s not exactly a secret that it’s also renowned for detrimental side effects. Sometimes, the side effects of these drugs are fatal, particularly if the patient is vulnerable to addiction or has the drive to use them to commit suicide. In Berry’s epilogue, she explains that even “non-habit-forming antidepressants have been shown to increase the risk of suicide among child and adolescent depression patients, to the point that the U.S. Food And Drug Administration (FDA) recently placed its most severe ‘black box’ warning on those drugs.”

Unhinged is a memoir that may seem emotionally difficult to digest; however, Anna Berry’s recovery is infused with hope, optimism and enlightenment.

Michelle Kaufman is a researcher that focuses on sexual behavior in the developing world. She globetrots regularly, engaging in ethnographic work along the way in order to inform the quantitative and qualitative research she conducts. Recently, Michelle visited Tanzania and investigated how people celebrate Valentine’s Day.

While in Tanzania last month, I asked everyone I met about Valentine’s Day. Do Tanzanians celebrate it, and how?

Who celebrates Valentine’s Day in Tanzania? First, Valentine’s Day is not commonly celebrated in Tanzania. Not surprisingly, it is viewed as a holiday for urban, wealthier people, and mostly for the youth. Those living in rural areas or those who are living day-to-day just trying to survive don’t give Valentine’s Day much thought (they are more focused on things like food, shelter, etc.). All my informants made it clear right away that this is a holiday for the well off with expendable income.

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One very striking result of growing up with one Asperger parent and one neurotypical (NT) parent is that children develop the sense of psychological invisibility. They feel ignored, unappreciated and unloved, because their context-blind Aspie family member(s) is so poor at empathic reciprocity. We learn from dialectical psychology that we come to know ourselves in relation to others. Throughout our lifespan, we continue to weave and reweave the context of our lives, and our self-esteem, by the interactions we have with our friends, coworkers, neighbors and loved ones.

We all need positive messages, hugs and smiles to reinforce our self-esteem so we learn healthy reciprocity in our relationships. Without these daily reminders, children can develop odd defense mechanisms, like becoming psychologically invisible to others and even to themselves.

What does psychological invisibility mean? Here’s an example:

Rose Marie, a high school senior, had a very hard time inviting friends over to her house after school. Her Asperger mother had the habit of locking her out of the house for hours while she took her afternoon bath. Even though she was home all day, she would sit in her nightgown and read until the afternoon. When it would finally occur to her to take a bath, she would stop whatever she was doing and take one. It didn’t matter what time of day or what activities were scheduled. If Rose Marie had a friend visiting, her mother would make them go outside, and then she would lock the door so that they couldn’t get in to bother her.

When only the family was home, her mother would take a bath and wander around the house naked. She liked to sit in her “altogether” to dry off for a couple of hours before she would reluctantly get dressed again. She really hated getting dressed. Sometimes Rose Marie would find her sitting at the kitchen table, naked and reading. People with Asperger’s Syndrome are often overly stimulated by bathing, wetness, or certain textures of clothing against their skin. And they often have difficulty coordinating timing with other things — like Rose Marie’s mother having trouble finishing her bath before her daughter got home from school.

Rose Marie knew her mother cared about her, but the way her mom ignored whatever was going on except for her own perceptions made her feel invisible, abandoned and humiliated.

It’s not that those with Aspergers are trying to ignore their family. It’s just that their context blindness makes tuning into the social environment next to impossible. Even worse, they don’t tune into the specific social cues that distinguish their loved ones from others. Rose Marie’s mother knew that it would be inappropriate to be naked in front of someone other than her immediate family, but she was clueless how humiliated her daughter felt by being locked out of the house.

It is one thing to be treated as if you are invisible. It is another to come to believe it and act like it. When children feel invisible to their Asperger parent, they can come to believe they deserve to be ignored. They develop coping mechanisms similar to psychic numbing, where your own feelings become invisible to yourself. They develop a “tough cookie, no fear” exterior to get past their feelings of insecurity.

In the field of trauma research, there are certainly a lot of explanations for the psychic numbing that results from suffering severe trauma. Until now, few have really looked at the trauma suffered by NTs who are subjected to constant disregard by their Asperger family members. The result of this disregard is what I call invisibility. The daily trauma of being invisible to an Asperger parent or partner who holds an emotional hostage in his or her own home can best be described as ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome (OTRS).

In 1997, Families of Adults Affected by Asperger Syndrome (FAAAS) came up with the term “mirror syndrome” and later “Cassandra phenomenon” to explain the stress of living with Asperger Syndrome family members. But these terms were still too vague. Currently, FAAAS favors the term “ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome” (OTRS). They define it as “a new trauma-based syndrome, which may afflict individuals who undergo chronic, repetitive psychological trauma within the context of an intimate relationship.”

Even if someone comes into a relationship with a strong sense of self-esteem, it can be demolished in short order by a partner or spouse who has an empathy disorder. How can those who feel invisible cope?

Among intelligent and well-educated people, it’s quite common to come up with an explanation of why life has turned out the way it has. But these explanations change nothing. In fact, these explanations tend to seal fate. It’s really a way to be invisible to others, locking the door to new relationships. People come to know you only through these explanations. No one has had the chance to know the person you are today.

An old-fashioned Southern euphemism is oddly appropriate for neurotypicals in this situation: “No explaining; no complaining.” If you think about it, this homespun advice makes a lot of sense. Explanations are used as a defense against the sadness of being ignored. Explaining and complaining are defensive maneuvers that we use when we feel trapped. They are attempts to prove to ourselves that we are okay; whereas if we are truly okay, then what is there to defend?

I have heard plenty of explaining and complaining from NTs with AS parents or partners, and it is usually the explaining that NTs cling to. Complaining is more of a victim kind of thinking. Complainers accept that they are trapped, but they don’t like it — and they tell everyone about it. Blaming others takes the burden of responsibility off the complainer. However, it still makes them feel out of control of their lives. Analysis and explanation provide a surefire way to feel in charge of a situation. When an NT child takes responsibility for her parent’s actions, it gives her a false hope that she can change the parent. It’s not true, of course, but it feels much better than complaining.

Everyone who wants to cope with these feelings of invisibility must stop explaining or complaining. Everything you can talk about is now — what you are feeling or hearing or seeing or smelling right now. Don’t analyze. Don’t blame others or yourself. Don’t judge either. No complaining. No explaining. Remember, the minute you say, “because,” you are probably launching into an explanation once again. Stop it. Take a deep breath. And begin again.

This will enable you to experience feeling truly okay, acceptable, fully alive — even without an explanation or a complaint. The no explaining, no complaining exercise helps with learning how to “just be.” It opens up a world that holds the opportunity to know that you are loved whether or not you have a good explanation. Explanations are for the invisible. When you feel free to show the world who you really are, no explanations are necessary.

According to a survey by the National Retail Federation, Americans spend upwards of $10 billion on for Valentine’s Day. And in true Valentine’s Day fashion, most of the adults surveyed were expecting to purchase candy, flowers, and/or a nice evening out for their partners. If you are one of those who celebrate Valentine’s Day, you might be thinking that these behaviors sound pretty familiar. The smell of roses and cologne will fill the air. Succulent wine and chocolate will dance on our tongues. We will go out dressed in our very best. Valentine’s Day truly is a day to indulge in some relational hedonism. But is the Valentine’s Day feel-goodery helpful for our relationships, or have we merely bought into a big consumer ploy? Although the answer to this question might be a matter of opinion, some research suggests that sensual pleasures – many of those that are heightened on Valentine’s Day – actually have a lot to do with feelings of attraction and relational health.

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Now that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, you may be worried about picking out the perfect gift for your partner. Is it something he will like? Will she be disappointed by your efforts? And how is a partner’s response to your Valentine's Day gift related to thoughts about the future of your relationship?

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Editor's note: Relationship researchers and married couple Drs. Charlotte and Patrick Markey give us "his and her" takes on how to approach Valentine's Day gift giving.

She said...

I went to the mailbox this morning and found a turquoise blue catalogue amongst the undesirable bills and solicitations. On the cover, heart-shaped jewelry reminded me that Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching. I was tempted to strategically place this little blue reminder from Tiffany’s in my husband’s view -- on his dresser, in his briefcase, or perhaps on the kitchen island. But then, I found myself realizing I did not actually desire expensive jewelry for Valentine’s Day. Perhaps I was ill? Wasn’t I supposed to want something fancy?

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A reader asks: “I think my wife is cheating on me. She comes home from her office hours later than usual. She checks her phone constantly. Should I confront her?”

Another writes: “My husband is just home from Afghanistan. He has huge anger issues. In the last two weeks, he’s put two guns under our bed. What’s going on? Should I confront him?”

A distraught mom writes: “My 14-year-old son is hanging out with kids everyone knows are using drugs. He seems distant and vague lately. We think he’s smoking pot or worse. Should we confront him?”

The answers are “no,” “no,” and “no.” As anxious and concerned and upset as all of these people are, confrontations aren’t going to get them what they hope for. Why? Because confrontations tend to shut down problem-solving. A heartfelt conversation is a much more effective approach.

Let’s go to my Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary. A confrontation is, yes, a “face to face meeting,” but it’s also a “clashing of forces or ideas.” A conversation is “an oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions or ideas.”

I know which one I’d rather be invited to participate in. More important, research shows that when people are in a fight (a confrontation), they get defensive. When they are approached with respect and curiosity (a conversation), they are more likely to engage in a serious exchange of ideas and are more open to change.

Here are some of the reasons that conversations are more helpful than confrontations:

Confrontations are usually fueled by anger. Somebody is usually confronting another because she or he is upset with the other’s behavior and angrily demands a change.

Conversations, on the other hand, are fueled by curiosity. One person is bewildered or confused by something the other is doing and simply asks what it is about. There is no layer of anger to get through before getting to the issue.

Confrontation: He thinks she flirts too much at parties with other men. He angrily accuses her of coming on to the other guys and tells her she can’t talk.

Conversation: In the same example, he asks her what the apparent flirting is about and is surprised to find out that she thought he understood that she was just being playful. After all, she says, she does always go home with him – and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Confrontations have an aura of a judicial proceeding. The confronter is the accuser and the judge. The confrontee is the defendant. This doesn’t do much for the relationship. When confronted, people often feel “nailed.” Even if there is a reasonable explanation for the issue or behavior they are being asked to explain, it is difficult to put the tone of confrontation aside.

It’s hard enough to offer another point of view without first having to get past hurt and anger. Conversations frame a problem as something to be solved. This frames the situation as a problem to be solved.

Confrontation: He comes home late for the fourth night in a row. She meets him at the door with an accusatory “Where have you been and what have you been doing?”

Conversation: She could have said, “When you are late so much, I get anxious and a little insecure. Can we talk about it?”

Confrontations have an element of moral superiority. Usually the confronter feels they have the higher ground. That, of course, puts the confrontee on the defensive. Now there are two issues to deal with. Conversations happen between equals. Neither person acts like he or she knows better, is more ethical, or is supported by a higher moral authority. Instead, the people involved talk respectfully together about whatever is making things difficult between them.

Confrontation: He accuses her of cheating. She protests. He says she is no good. She, who in this case is innocent of any betrayal of the relationship, feels not only unjustly accused but judged as morally inferior.

Conversation: He tells her he is feeling insecure and asks for some reassurance.

Confrontations shield the confronter from any responsibility. The confronter feels and behaves as if she or he had nothing to do with the situation. Often enough, problems in a relationship take two. Conversations say “we’re in this together.”

Confrontation: He works long hours at the expense of the relationship. She puts up with it until she can’t stand it anymore, then blows up about how he is putting his job before their family. He feels injured because he thought she understood that he was trying to make a good life for both of them. And around it goes.

Conversation: She acknowledges that he is working hard to support the family but also doesn’t want him to miss out on sweet time with her and the kids. He feels appreciated but then thinks about what his long hours are costing him.

Confrontations are Sometimes Appropriate

Yes, sometimes a confrontation is appropriate and necessary. Someone has done something or has done many things that are absolutely unforgivable, in which case a confrontation may be exactly what is required for the injured person to regain dignity and self-respect. A person who has been abused and humiliated by his or her partner or anyone else has every right to be angry, to judge the situation as unfair and hurtful, and to demand change. A person who has been sexually abused has every right to confront her or his abuser and insist on the right to an apology and restitution.

My only caution in such situations is that the abused person who is doing the confronting should do it in a way that is safe. Confrontations rarely change a chronic abuser, bully, or user and may in fact invite more abuse. If that’s the case, the best thing to do is to get out of the situation and do your own therapeutic work independent of the abuser.

But when there has been no abuse or there is no clear evidence of wrongdoing, a conversation is more likely to lead to change. Conversations invite cooperative problem-solving and collaborative decisions.

Let’s go back to the cases at the beginning of this article. If there is a possibility that what appears to be wrongdoing is innocent (like, possibly, the wife in no. 1) or if the upsetting behavior is coming from personal trauma or pain (like the veteran) or an adolescent needs to be set on a better path (like the 14-year-old), confrontations won’t be helpful. Conversations will preserve the relationships while the people involved work toward understanding and solutions.

Today I’m going to share five tips that can make an enormous difference in helping you to attract your “One” this year.

You see, my own personal success in manifesting a great love happened when I set what I affectionately call an “outrageous intention” to be engaged by my 42nd birthday.

It was outrageous because I had no prospects in sight and a mere eight months to manifest this miracle (after trying for 20 years with no success).

So I put my rational mind aside—since I knew it would only tell me all the reasons love would never happen for me—and I began putting one foot in front of the other to consciously co-create the realization of that intention.

And lo and behold, in just a few months, what was once an outrageous intention became a bona fide reality, and the love I had yearned for all those years to no avail, seamlessly and beautifully arrived in my life, as if by magic.

So, as we step into the new year, I encourage you to take these same bold steps toward creating the life and love that you deserve.

These 5 steps for setting a powerful and outrageous intention for love this year are part of my proven Calling in ‘The One’ Process, and you can begin using them immediately!

Step 1: Speak your intention in the affirmative.

Declare your intention as what shall be so as opposed to what you don’t want any more of.

In other words, rather than saying, “No more emotionally abusive relationships!” you might instead say, “My intention is to create a deeply kind, inspired, and respectful relationship that offers safety and goodness to both of us.”

Step 2: Create an intention for love that is future-focused.

Your intention should be about what it is that you are creating in the future and not about the past.

So rather than saying, “My intention is to make amends to all of my former partners this year,” you might instead say, “This year, my intention is to have clear, clean, and integrous relationships with everyone I know, and to generate an unprecedented experience of a mutually empowering, ecstatically loving relationship with the partner of my dreams.”

Step 3: Make your intention for love potent and powerful!

Don’t be afraid to go for the gold on this one. Rather than playing it safe by setting an intention to simply find a new relationship, allow yourself to ante up by committing to the deepest and most inspiring intention you can imagine.

For example: “My intention is to magnetize into my life a relationship that is characterized by depth, devotion, intelligence, joy, humor, fun, inspiration, and a deep spiritual and soulful connection that feels timeless and eternal!”

Step 4: Share your intention for love with friends who can hold you accountable.

Studies show that when you set and hold intentions with a community of people who know and care about you, those intentions are six times more likely to manifest.

So seek out a close friend or a circle of friends you can confide in and who you can trust to make sure you stay on track as you work to become the person you know you must become to call this kind of love into your life.

Step 5: Let your intention be your North Star!

You must spend time with your intention each and every day, allowing it to be your guiding star in the choices you make and the actions you take, making sure to align how you are showing up in life to ensure the fulfillment of that intention.

Listen deeply to your own knowing daily, asking yourself questions such as: “What do I need to do to prepare myself to receive this love into my life?” “What choices do I need to be making to serve the fulfillment of my intention?” “Who do I need to be in order to receive my beloved into my life?”

As you set your intention to make 2015 the year you finally call in your soulmate, I want you to know that I’m offering a free seminar designed to help you identify any blocks you may have to love and liberate yourself from them once and for all, as well as to teach you the secrets of becoming truly magnetic to love.

It’s called “Calling in The One: How to Identify and Release Your Hidden Barriers to Love and Become Magnetic to Your Soulmate” and you can register to join me here. Join us on Thursday, January 22nd 5:00 PM Pacific / 8:00 PM Eastern.

I can’t wait to be inspired by your outrageous and courageous intention for calling in the love you desire and deserve!

About the Author:

In addition to being the national bestselling author of Calling in “The One,” and the co-creator of the Calling in “The One” and Love Mastery courses, Katherine Woodward Thomas is also the lead trainer for the Certified Calling in “The One” Coaches Training Program and the creator of the Conscious Uncoupling 5-Week Process. She is a licensed psychotherapist and the co-creator and co-leader of the Feminine Power transformative courses for women, as well as a creative and inspired transformative educator with nearly 20 years experience designing and facilitating leading-edge seminars that support the emergence of life-altering shifts in consciousness in both individuals and in groups. She is also the co-creator and co-host of the highly acclaimed Women on the Edge of Evolution teleseries, which gathers thousands of women to engage with the world’s most preeminent female luminaries, thinkers, scientists, artists and agents of change. She is an honored member of the Evolutionary Leaders Group, which both supports and promotes a call to conscious evolution.

The post 5 Steps to Setting an ‘Outrageous’ Intention for Love in 2015 appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

To better understand what makes kids popular, researchers measured 144 3^rd through 8^th grade students’ prosocial behaviors (i.e., doing good things for others) and physical/verbal aggression. As you’d expect, kids nominated as popular were more likely to exhibit prosocial behaviors. But, unexpectedly, the popular kids were also more aggressive. Even kids who displayed high levels of verbal and physical aggression (e.g., mean name-calling, pushing/shoving) were popular if they also engaged in prosocial behaviors. Finally, being nice to others was more beneficial for girls’ popularity than boys. As much as a parent doesn’t want their child to be aggressive, it apparently has some upside.

Kornbluh, M., & Neal, J. W. (2014). Examining the many dimensions of children’s popularity: Interactions between aggression, prosocial behaviors, and gender. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. doi: 0.1177/0265407514562562

Read our articles about sex education here.

When shame becomes toxic, it can ruin our lives. Everyone experiences shame at one time another. It’s an emotion with physical symptoms like any other that come and go, but when it’s severe, it can be extremely painful.

Strong feelings of shame stimulate the sympathetic nervous system, causing a fight/flight/freeze reaction. We feel exposed and want to hide or react with rage, while feeling profoundly alienated from others and good parts of ourselves. We may not be able to think or talk clearly and be consumed with self-loathing, which is made worse because we’re unable to be rid of ourselves.

We all have our own specific triggers or tender points that produce feelings of shame. The intensity of our experience varies, too, depending upon our prior life experiences, cultural beliefs, personality, and the activating event.

Unlike ordinary shame, “internalized shame” hangs around and alters our self-image. It’s shame that has become “toxic,” a term first coined by Sylvan Tomkins in the early 1960s in his scholarly examination of human affect. For some people, toxic shame can monopolize their personality, while for others, it lies beneath their conscious awareness, but can easily be triggered.

Characteristics of Toxic Shame

Toxic shame differs from ordinary shame, which passes in a day or a few hours, in the following respects:

• It can hide in our unconscious, so that we’re unaware that we have shame.


• When we experience shame, it lasts much longer.


• The feelings and pain associated with shame are of greater intensity.


• An external event isn’t required to trigger it. Our own thoughts can bring on feelings of shame.


• It leads to shame spirals that cause depression and feelings of hopelessness and despair.


• It causes chronic “shame anxiety” — the fear of experiencing shame.


• It’s accompanied by voices, images, or beliefs originating in childhood and is associated with a negative “shame story” about ourselves.


• We needn’t recall the original source of the immediate shame, which usually originated in childhood or a prior trauma.


• It creates deep feelings of inadequacy.

Shame-Based Beliefs

The fundamental belief underlying shame is that “I’m unlovable — not worthy of connection.” Usually, internalized shame manifests as one of the following beliefs or a variation thereof:

• I’m stupid.


• I’m unattractive (especially to a romantic partner).


• I’m a failure.


• I’m a bad person.


• I’m a fraud or a phony.


• I’m selfish.


• I’m not enough (this belief can be applied to numerous areas).


• I hate myself.


• I don’t matter.


• I’m defective or inadequate.


• I shouldn’t have been born.


• I’m unlovable.

The Cause of Toxic Shame

In most cases, shame becomes internalized or toxic from chronic or intense experiences of shame in childhood. Parents can unintentionally transfer their shame to their children through verbal messages or nonverbal behavior. For an example, a child might feel unloved in reaction to a parent’s depression, indifference, absence, or irritability or feel inadequate due to a parent’s competitiveness or over-correcting behavior. Children need to feel uniquely loved by both parents. When that connection is breached, such as when a child is scolded harshly, children feel alone and ashamed, unless the parent-child bond of love is soon repaired. However, even if shame has been internalized, it can be surmounted by later positive experiences.

If not healed, toxic shame can lead to aggression, depression, eating disorders, PTSD, and addiction. It generates low self-esteem, anxiety, irrational guilt, perfectionism, and codependency, and it limits our ability to enjoy satisfying relationships and professional success.

We can heal from toxic shame and build our self-esteem. To learn more about how to do so and the eight steps to heal, read Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.

©Darlene Lancer 2015