Do All Men Secretly Want to Be Cared For?

And what it means when he starts letting you buy his underwear and spoon-feed him chicken soup I used to grind my teeth at night. It was years ago—my job situation was shaky, and I’d recently moved across the country. The girl I was living with at the time used to wake up to the sound of bone scraping against bone as I unconsciously gnawed away at some mental stress knot in my brain. Then she’d do something amazing: She’d put her hand gently on my face and massage the jaw muscles until they relaxed. Sometimes, I’d wake up while she was doing it. It was tender and sweet. And it probably saved me from some serious tension headaches. Two people caring for each other? After all the bullshit of courtship, that’s what a relationship is: anticipating needs, trying to make life easier for each other.RELATED: 8 Things Girls In New Relationships Do But Will Never Admit ToI asked my married friend Tyler if he feels like his wife, Casidy, “takes care of him.” Yeah, he said. And he loves it. By his own admission, Ty’s clueless about fashion, so Casidy will sometimes come home with clothes that she bought for him on a whim. Before they travel, she’ll lay out his wardrobe. She knows he doesn’t want to think about matching his outfits, so she handles it for him.Relationships like this take time to develop. You have to be able to know what someone needs before they ask for it. Even accepting that kind of help—that can be difficult, too. Especially for some guys. The ancient hardwiring of the dude-brain still goads us to take on the tough-guy protector role. We’re supposed to be strong and totally self-reliant. But by the time you’re buying clothes for us or massaging our faces so that we don’t grind our teeth to gravel, it means we’ve dropped the facade. We’ve made ourselves vulnerable, and you’re telling us that you’re okay with that. No way would Tyler have let Casidy overhaul his closet when they first started dating. But he does now because he trusts her.Part of the intimacy equation is that we need to help you, even as you’re helping us. You make the bed; we make the coffee. You clean the bathroom; we clean your car. You motivate us to speak up at work; we support your decision to go back to school. In a healthy relationship, this give-and-take should feel equal. And the longer you’re with someone, the more of it you accept.RELATED: What Going to Couple’s Therapy Is Really LikeSo what if he spurns your attempt to care for him? Well, it could mean that he’s not interested in taking your relationship to that level. But it could also mean that you’re simply not paying attention to him. Not every guy has the same relationship needs. Back to Ty: He’s really outgoing, so even though he likes Casidy to pick out his clothes, he doesn’t like when she tries to manage his social calendar. “If I ever feel like I have to ask permission to meet a friend for a beer or something, that's troubling,” he says. Another pal of mine, Ryan, doesn’t like his wife to weigh in on his wardrobe. But he still relies on her for emotional support. Part of caring is figuring out what a person needs and to leave the rest alone. If you do that for him, you have the right to expect him to do it for you. And that’s how you make a relationship last.

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