What Going to Couple’s Therapy Is Really Like

One writer tried going in for a routine check-up—and here’s what happened. My husband, Chris, and I recently went to couples therapy on a whim—and it was nothing like I expected.It all started after I read an interview where Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard talked about how regular therapy is the secret to their happy marriage. They don’t go because of a specific problem; they just go for check-ups.One comment from Kristen in particular stuck with me: "You do better in the gym with a trainer; you don't figure out how to cook without reading a recipe. Therapy is not something to be embarrassed about.”That made perfect sense, so I asked Chris if he wanted to go to a check-up with me. I was floored when he said yes right away.Err...that quick all-in answer wasn’t at all what I expected, and it kind of freaked me out. Is this the big chance Chris has been waiting for to declare that he hates my cooking and that I’m crap in bed?The receptionist seemed slightly confused with the idea of a “check-up” but quickly recovered with a “what a great idea!”RELATED: Why Quitting My Job Was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to My RelationshipChris and I were both sent a five-page questionnaire to fill out before our appointment. It included things like “how enjoyable is your sexual relationship?” and “Rank the top three concerns that you have in your relationship with your partner.” It also asked us each to create a line graph detailing how satisfied we were with our relationship over time. Was this a test? Was our marriage going to be graded based on it? I was definitely getting a little nervous about the whole thing.When the big day arrived, we walked into a waiting room decorated in soothing, muted tones with a white noise machine whirring in the background. After filling out more paperwork, we were brought in to see the doctor.RELATED: When the Silent Treatment Can Actually Work in Your FavorAnd surprisingly...couple’s therapy was pretty cool. We spent an hour chatting about how we met, any regular stumbling blocks we have, and life in general. It felt a little all over the place, probably because we didn’t have any huge issues to address, but it definitely wasn’t the gripe-fest I was expecting.She said she typically sees people for check-ups after they’ve worked through a major issue but said more couples should do them before a big problem pops up.She’s clearly good at her job: She quickly picked up on our biggest issue and kept circling back on what we could do to make our situation work even better than it does currently.She also asked about how we handle conflict. Chris talked about how he tends to be loud, which only pisses me off further, and said that I tend to take a calm approach to fighting, which I totally took as a compliment. He also called me “laid-back” and “mellow” during the chat . Therapy is awesome!RELATED: How Often You Should Aim to Have Sex with Your PartnerI was pumped when she asked me what I think we do well as a couple since I had prepared for that one. And while I got a little misty-eyed talking about our mutual love and respect for each other, she just looked like her B.S. meter was going off.We didn’t just talk about overarching things—we got specific, too, and some moments were a little uncomfortable. The therapist repeatedly pressed me to talk about how I feel that we’ve been trying for a baby for months and don’t have a bun in the oven yet. Uh...not psyched?And then there was that part where we were kind of stumped when she asked us to talk about something nice we’ve done for each other recently. I mentioned how Chris made me coffee that morning; he talked about how I made him juice and toast. Apparently our marriage is based on food, and she didn’t seem particularly impressed with either gesture. I also slipped something in about how Chris always leaves his shoes around the house, and she reminded me that we were talking about nice things. Oops.But mostly, we did the talking. I was only slightly paranoid about my body language during the whole thing—I made sure to keep my legs crossed in Chris’s direction and wasn’t exactly thrilled when I noticed that he was leaning away from me. My paranoia kicked in: Was she going to tell us our marriage was screwed based on our stances alone? If she thought that, though, she kept it to herself.The therapist asked us to make an appointment for the following week and seemed disappointed when we said we’d chat about it first.Are we planning to go back? Not right now, but I can definitely see why Kristen and Dax do it. It was really nice to have an uninterrupted hour where we could just focus on us and chat about any issues we’re facing.In the meantime, I’m going to work on figuring out ways to do nice things for Chris that don’t involve food. Um...I’m sure I’ll think of something.--Korin Miller is a writer, SEO nerd, wife, and mom to a little 2-year-old dude named Miles. Korin has worked for The Washington Post, New York Daily News, and Cosmopolitan, where she learned more than anyone ever should about sex. She has an unhealthy addiction to gifs.

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