Are You Addicted to Relationship Drama?

What to do if it feels like your love life could be a reality show Arguing in a relationship can be healthy as long as you come through stronger on the other side. Plus, the make-up sex doesn't hurt! But what should you do when normal fighting strays into drama junkie territory? "We see this in our office all the time," says clinical psychologist Bill Bercaw, Psy.D., co-author of From the Living Room to the Bedroom: The Modern Couple's Guide to Sexual Abundance and Lasting Intimacy. "It's almost an addiction not so much to drama but to romance. It can cause tremendous amounts of emotional distress and take many relationships and marriages out." Here are a few signs you may be too dependent on relationship drama—and how to solve the problem:This goes beyond sticking to the tall, dark, and handsome type that makes you swoon. "If you're addicted to drama, you always date the same person," says clinical psychologist Ginger Bercaw, Psy.D., co-author of From the Living Room to the Bedroom: The Modern Couple's Guide to Sexual Abundance and Lasting Intimacy. "Initially, he's the man of your dreams, then he becomes maddeningly unavailable."RELATED: 12 Daily Habits of Super-Happy CouplesA sort of twisted dance starts to take place. That unavailability starts to wear off, which may push you to stir fights in a subconscious attempt to shift his attention back to you. "When he starts spending his time in other ways, you may feel slighted and panicky," says Bercaw. "You start the drama, he gives you more attention, then things quiet down for a period of time. Then it cycles back."If you constantly seek out the human equivalent of a fixer-upper, you're pretty much setting yourself up to fail. "You're entering the relationship in a rescuer role," says Bercaw. "You have your own act together, but changing him becomes your mission." While you can be a solid source of support if your guy wants to change on his own, trying to induce change in someone who isn't self-motivated is practically impossible. The resulting arguments that come from that struggle, though, can be enough to play into your need for drama.RELATED: Is Porn Addiction Really a Thing?"When you find yourself consistently arguing late at night or following your partner around to continue a conversation, you don't know when enough is enough in a given conflict," says Ginger. It comes down to an inability to self-soothe and self-regulate: You can't comfort yourself when you're upset and turn to your partner to offer that, and you can't stop yourself even when he's clearly not emotionally open to it. "This is coming from a deep place of fear that he's not hearing or understanding you, so you feel compelled to pursue a resolution very intensely," says Bill. Depending on the guy, he'll either give in and continue the fight or pull away and make you feel even more neglected.It's one thing to come back from yet another disastrous date and decide you need to take a hiatus before you hit burnout status. It's completely different to close up shop on your heart because your relationships always crash and burn, leaving you emotionally wrecked. "You may be a drama-seeker if in your relationships you feel like you're going crazy and are always angry, anxious, or depressed," says Ginger. It's easy to chalk that up to the men you're dating. While they certainly may be at fault some of the time, if you truly start to feel as though they're always the same, you might be the common denominator.RELATED: 6 Surprising Factors That Make Men InsecureIf you see yourself in these signs, the first step is heading to a professional so you can try to heal whatever early wounds may have led to your constant emotional fire-starting. "Part of that is also learning how to self-regulate when triggers appear and how to soothe yourself instead of seeking someone else to make you feel better," says Bill. The next step is learning how to choose healthier partners to decrease the likelihood that you'll both get high off of the drama. This will help you head into a much calmer, happier future together.

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