Sorry, Ladies: Male Strip Clubs ARE NOTHING LIKE Magic Mike

Turns out, real strip clubs are XXLame. As the release date for Magic Mike XXL draws nearer, you probably can't help but privately wonder if it’s possible to break YouTube by watching a trailer too many times . Visions of chiseled abs and naughty games on-stage dance through your head as you entertain the notion that maybe strip clubs aren’t all that bad. That is, until you actually go to one and realize the reality is far from the steamy scenes that made you pant your way through the first Magic Mike experience. Here, seven ways that actual male strip clubs are nothing like Channing Tatum's version.1. The M.C.The expectation: Some charismatic and sexy ringleader will start the night off by getting you in the mood with a sensual and exciting speech of some kind.The reality: If anyone is acting as an announcer for the night, it’s some nebbish guy in a sound booth who gets you about as riled up as a stalk of celery.RELATED: 9 Bachelor Party Stories Guys Swore They’d Never Tell2. The CostumesThe expectation: Each dancer will be dressed in a costume that sends your imagination reeling. From backless chaps to a pull-off fireman’s costume, these guys will rock sexy outfits that play on your fantasies while revealing just the right amount of buns and abs.The reality: If clothing is worn at all, it's hardly masculine and immediately stripped away to reveal a “banana hammock,” which makes the dancer’s “banana” look so large and floppy that all you can do is stare and wince as you imagine how painful it would be to take a member of that size on. 3. The On-Stage InteractionsThe expectation: If you're pulled on-stage, you'll be titillated with a dirty-yet-sensitive interaction that will send chills up and down your spine. All of your stage fright will dissipate because you'll be so hypnotized by the skills of the vagina whisperer in front of you that you won’t even notice hundreds of people are watching you.The reality: You'll go onstage only because your jerk friends pushed you up there. You'll immediately become self-conscious and realize how embarrassing it is to have hundreds of people watch as a stranger rubs his junk all over you. Through the entire ordeal, all you'll be able to think about is how soon this will be over, as you simultaneously struggle to pretend to act excited so as not to hurt the dancer’s feelings.RELATED: 10 Fun Ways to Use a Bag of Gummy Penises4. The ChoreographyThe expectation: The entire night will essentially be an adult version of those dance movies you secretly watch every time they’re on cable. There will be flips and breakdancing and maybe a moonwalk or two. This place will basically be Juilliard with butts.The reality: There may be a few hip thrusts and pelvic tilts, but the only real dancing will be the swing…of a spandex-wrapped penis that will be dangled in your face as you're expected to throw money at it. You will satisfy said swinging penis by giving it a few singles, but mostly because you kind of just want to make it go away.5. The Rowdy VibeThe expectation: You’ll be caught up in a tidal wave of contagious excitement. There will be squealing and cheering and maybe even a few fainters in the house.The reality: The audience will be comprised mostly of bachelorette parties who will realize, almost immediately, that they should have just played “pin the penis on the man” at the hotel instead. The crowd will be dotted with glow-in-the-dark veils that will bob up and down as brides-to-be are far too drunk to care about the show, much less become an active part of it. The biggest applause of the night will happen at the end—when you all learn that this is the last song.6. The Idea That It’s Really Fun to Have A Stranger Thrust Himself All Over YouThe expectation: Your eyes will be rolling back in your head over the pure joy and titillation that is skin-to-skin contact with an actual Adonis.The reality: As soon as one of the dancers starts to touch you, you feel skeeved out. Someone whose name you don’t even know is dripping sweat all over you as he grinds onto your thigh, and you’ll have to remind yourself that you paid to be here. On purpose.RELATED: 8 Signs You've Become a Bridezilla7. The Fantasy That the Dancers Are Somehow Mythical CreaturesThe expectation: These perfect, sexy angels exist only for our viewing pleasure. They don’t have lives outside of the strip club, and in fact, they just fly in on unicorns right before the show.The reality: Immediately, the fact that you are treating a human being like an object gives you a pit in your stomach. You want to focus on the show, but all you can do when you stare at those washboard abs is wonder why such a nice-looking boy doesn’t just go to grad school. You’ll then give him a good tip and hope that he’ll put it towards removing that horrendous tribal tattoo on his forearm so that he can get a job where he’s allowed to wear pants some day. 

from Rss http://ift.tt/1Cu8f8r