Lisa Find Love

Even in the best relationships, individuals may find themselves lacking information about specific relationship partners (romantic or otherwise). For example, as we’ve discussed previously, anxiously attached partners are more likely to Facebook stalk their partners in an attempt to alleviate anxiety and (hopefully) confirm their partners’ undying devotion. Such findings suggest that individuals use the internet as a means to cope with their own desires to learn more about another.  

Forensic Botanist: Helped Convict the Lindbergh Baby Kidnapper In 1932, Bruno Hauptmann propped a homemade ladder against Charles Lindbergh’s house, climbed up to one of the bedroom windows, and snatched the aviator’s 20-month-old son. When Hauptmann was brought to court, forensic botany helped lock him away. Arthur Koehler, a wood technologist, discovered that one of […]

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About twenty percent of children and adolescents in the United States — that’s roughly fifteen million kids — have a diagnosable mental health condition. Odds are, you know one, or have one, yourself: a child who struggles to control their emotions and behaviors, or has a hard time in school or relating to others.

Whatever happened to our free-spirited, happy, socially adjusted, emotionally stable children and adolescents, you might ask. They still exist. But it’s a widely accepted fact in psychiatry and clinical psychotherapy that children and adolescents are dealing with an increased number of educational, social, emotional, familial, and environmental stressors than in previous eras.

This sometimes leads to substance abuse, which affects about half of high-school seniors. Many of these same high-school seniors have traumatic histories (witnessing abuse, being abused, and so on), and many are at an increased risk for substance abuse, mental health challenges, and social challenges. To make matters worse, children and adolescents who have traumatic histories and who have experimented with an illicit drug also have an increased risk for sexually-transmitted diseases, smoking, and even obesity, all of which are all leading causes of death.

And there’s more. Children and adolescents who are of color and/or who come from lower socioeconomic backgrounds face even more challenges in accessing mental health services. As a therapist working with this population, I frequently see that children of color and children who come from families with less money are disproportionately disenfranchised in the mental health system.

For decades, the focus of mental health attention and research has been on adults. As a result, we, as a society and as a group of professionals, lack knowledge (and research) on how to best identify and treat childhood psychopathology, primarily psychotic disorders such a schizophrenia, trauma, suicide, and self-injurious behaviors. Now, Jess Shatkin, an associate professor of child and adolescent psychiatry and pediatrics at NYU, has written Child & Adolescent Mental Health: A Practical, All-in-One Guide. Shatkin not only recognizes that child and adolescent mental health is an overlooked topic and receives very little to no press, but he also recognizes that we are overdue for a clinical resource specifically geared toward child and adolescent statistics, research, and treatment.

The book highlights the mental, emotional, and behavioral challenges faced by young people today. One major challenge is the lack of available therapists, social workers, and psychiatrists who specialize in this population. As Shatkin writes, “the United States Federal Bureau of Health Professions has named child and adolescent psychiatry as the most underserved of all medical specialties.”

Sadly, child and adolescent psychiatry and clinical psychotherapy tend to provide very little financial stability for healthcare practitioners, which probably relates to the shortage of professionals in the field. Shatkin explains that “children represent an underserved and disenfranchised group with no voice of their own when it comes to policy and organizational decision-making” — and to make matters worse, the stigma of mental health and psychiatric treatment continues to be a huge barrier for many families.

Shatkin’s book is, on the one hand, comprehensive, with a review of common psychiatric concerns such as schizophrenia, mood disorders, substance-abuse disorders, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, disruptive-behavior disorders, autism-spectrum disorders, and intellectual disabilities. However, there are some drawbacks to his guide. Some readers might perceive the book as only catering to the socially-acceptable constructs of mental illness. Shatkin’s main goal seems to be supporting the complex and sometimes disliked DSM.

Readers may also see the book as overly black-and-white, skipping over the grey areas of mental health: reactive-attachment disorder or adolescents who exhibit borderline personality traits; access to fair mental health treatment; cultural barriers in diagnosing a mental illness; medication management and why some medications are not effective for some people, even in high doses. About these, Shatkin does not help much. If I were a desperate parent seeking information about my child’s severe bipolar disorder, for example, which tends to be very resistant to high amounts of Geodon or Abililfy after repeated trials, I would probably find this book quite detached from the complex issues my child and I were facing.

That said, as a therapist with a specialization in child and adolescent mental health, I was quite ecstatic to receive an all-in-one book that functions like a demographically-targeted DSM. Shatkin provides hardcore facts and current research, and can help clinicians who need a quick reference guide.

Child & Adolescent Mental Health: A Practical, All-in-One Guide
W. W. Norton & Company, June 2015
Paperback, 512 pages
$28.95

If you’re like me, you’re probably a bit turned off by the idea of post-romantic stress disorder and wonder what the ultimate purpose of a book with such a title might be. Post-traumatic stress disorder, on the other hand, is a serious condition, and the title seems potentially offensive.

In author John Bradshaw’s words, post-romantic stress disorder happens when we leave the beginning stages of a relationship and things become less pleasurable. The bond is souring, and it feels like a previously burning flame that has been snuffed out by a strong cold wind. Romance, excitement, and emotional intimacy are gone.

Bradshaw postulates that about forty percent of divorces occur as a result of this “disorder.” He writes that when the romance is over, it can be quite difficult to rationalize with your partner or emotionally detach from the relationship. Jealousy or resentment can become a big problem, he writes. And then, Bradshaw discusses the more unhealthy outcomes of PRSD, such as rejection, anger, domestic violence, stalking, and even murder or suicide.

Here is where the book gets a bit disturbing. Stalking and violence are real issues that many people content with. Oddly, Bradshaw shares with the reader the story of how one of his own clients stalked him: followed Bradshaw around, showed up unannounced in various places, and eventually retreated to only sending him letters until she completely went away. He even tells us that he took the time to reply to his stalker, writing her back to tell her he was committed to his marriage and not interested in having a relationship with her.

As a therapist myself, I would be wary of mentioning such an incident in a book. I would not want to bring up this sensitive information in a public way. I couldn’t help but think that Bradshaw was sharing the story unnecessarily, and inappropriately. Then, the back-and-forth “letter writing sessions” he engaged in with a person who clearly lacked appropriate boundaries and suffered obvious emotional problems — that made me especially question his judgment as a therapist.

I was also turned off by Bradshaw’s constant discussion of sexual intimacy, lust, and sexual “dysfunction” throughout the book. Yes, these are part of many relationships, but the point of the book, I was led to believe, was more about the relationship in general.

The book gets uncomfortable again when Bradshaw presents the story of a man named Gilbert. Gilbert is hired to work as a geologist for a company Bradshaw also works. Bradshaw uses him as an example of domestic violence and murder, and discusses Gilbert’s sex life. The whole thing lacks tact.

And although later chapters made me think Bradshaw was getting back on track, offering insights about relationships and how to repair them, he ultimately fails to give the reader enough tools. Most relationship books speak a great deal about open communication and respect, provide concrete tools for increasing positive interactions, or offer psycho-education on the dynamics of a maturing relationship. But this book borders on a steamy soap opera that should be placed in the adult section of a bookstore.

As a clinician who enjoys educating clients on how to better communicate in their relationships, I’m sad to say that this book seems misdirected. Not only does the title potentially offend sufferers of PTSD, it also leaves out a lot of substance.

Post-Romantic Stress Disorder: What to Do When the Honeymoon is Over
HCI, November 2014
Paperback, 288 pages
$15.95

Day in and day out, the great majority of officers do their job the right way, says the longtime Face the Nation moderator.

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There is plenty written on the topic of resilience, but reading Eileen Russell’s new book, Restoring Resilience, is as transformative as it is informative. Russell elevates the concept of resilience to an innate process that drives and orients us toward growth, expands into interpersonal connections, and is based in the affective experience. She also uses the backdrop of accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy, or AEDP, to discuss the role of attachment and the therapist-client alliance in exposing the client’s innate orientation toward resilience. And, she begins with a reframing of resilience and how we define it.

Exploring the concept through the lens of a clinician, and pointing to the many clinicians who participated in her survey, Russell arrives at the following definition: Resilience is the self’s differentiation from that which is aversive to it. And, she reminds us, “resilience is in the very least a potential waiting to be discovered and brought out.”

In shifting our focus from pathology to healing, Russell presents a clinical vignette where this potential — evidenced through the client’s affective responses — is missed. It is here that Russell also informs us that even resistance can be a manifestation of resilience. She highlights as a very important point the idea that “the seeds of resilience are often to be found in the pathology itself.”

It is in this paradoxical view — and the triangle of conflict that Russell presents us with — that we can see resilience as a pull between “transformative strivings” and “chronic defenses against certain impulses and feelings that elicit anxiety in the person experiencing them.” For example, Russell uses a clinical vignette to demonstrate how these transformational affects and core states depict what she calls a “self-at-best” or a “self-at-worst.” Russell visually depicts resilience, from resistance to transformance, using a graphic, and underscores the importance of viewing resilience as a characteristic that exists in us all. As she explains, “the tendency to seek transformational self-experiences is a reliable part of the human condition and an expression of the underlying resilience potential.” Here, Russell also broadens our definition of resilience to include intra- and interpersonal, contextual, developmental, and universal contexts that serve to highlight the clinician’s importance in the client’s transformational experience.

She also emphasizes the importance of secure attachments in providing the foundation from which the client can have a transformative experience that engenders resilience. Comparing the clinician-client relationship to the mother-child relationship, Russell discusses how affective experiences can determine safety and allow clients to ultimately arrive at “safe vulnerability” where they can begin to expose more of themselves while releasing the defenses that might’ve inhibited them.

Here again, Russell presents a clinical vignette. She shows that through focusing on the client’s emotion and affective change processes, as well as those of the clinician, the client moves through the fundamental aspects of change. It is this self-in-transition that Russell then focuses on, drawing our attention to the “markers of change” that signal a client’s readiness to move toward resilience.

We also follow a vignette showing how the client’s affective responses and the therapist’s careful processing of the transformative relational experience moves the client from a self-at-worst to a self-at-best. While the self-at-best is “the most resourceful and resilient version of that person,” and one in which the therapeutic experience should hope to draw on, it is the self-in-transition in which “much of the work of therapy gets done.”

This work, demonstrated through metatherapeutic processing, connection and coordination exercises, and empathic responsiveness is what, according to Russell, ultimately will bring about “a more adaptive and healthier expression of resilience.”

Russell also introduces the Polyvagal theory of emotion to describe “what is going on in the brain and the body during resilient responses to stress,” and offers several helpful questions clinicians can use to work through maladaptive core affective experiences. Much of the work, according to Russell, also depends on the clinician’s — and ultimately the client’s — ability to recognize, facilitate, and respond to occasions of change. Russell draws our attention to how state shifts can be markers of transformation, and how metaprocessing — reflecting on the change — can move it from implicit experience to explicit awareness.

Finally, Russell explores how clinicians can use experiences such as play, exposure to open spaces, and witnessing beauty to help the client overcome the fear of freedom and move from transformance to flourishing and, ultimately, to being more fully human. Through several vignettes, she demonstrates how we can amplify and intensify positive emotions — and that, she writes, is “a condition necessary for a more complex self-organization.”

Russell also turns her attention to the therapist’s own experience. She writes that resilience-oriented work transforms the clinician, too, and that resilience is an “interdependent process” in which the clinician also experiences an “increased capacity to bear all things.”

While the concepts Russell presents are at times dense and complex, she cleverly parses them with several vignettes, diagrams, and examples — many of which can be used in the moment with the client. Russell encourages us to deepen our understanding of resilience, as well as our own capacity for experiencing it alongside our clients.

Restoring Resilience: Discovering Your Clients’ Capacity for Healing
W. W. Norton & Company, June 2015
Hardcover, 384 pages
$29.95

Ondrea Levine did not have a storybook childhood with loving, doting, attentive parents. She did not receive adequate academic or emotional support in school. And she had very few adult role models, mentors, or friends as a child and adolescent. In The Healing I Took Birth For, the autobiography she collaborated with her husband to write, she recalls one of her heartbreaking experiences: “Once I was grabbed by some neighborhood boys and hung like a piñata by my ankles in my garage as an object of ridicule. When my mother came out and saw what was happening, she just laughed and went back in the house. The boys let me down, but some part of me was left hanging there.”

As a means of coping and building resiliency, Levine, whose family was Jewish, began to develop a relationship with god and started to practice prayer and meditation. She became a voracious reader, and also started to dance as an outlet of self-expression. When she was eleven and her parents were on vacation, she stayed with her aunt, and for the first time experienced love, kindness, and affection from a relative. “I only stayed with her for two weeks,” Levine recounts, “but it made a life-long impression on my heart.”

In her quest for self-discovery, self-acceptance, healing, and love, she began to explore other religions and forms of spirituality. She visited many types of Christian churches, and also began more intensive studies in Zen Buddhism, yoga, mindfulness, and  meditation. Then, she used her knowledge in these areas to help terminally-ill patients and those suffering through loss. After meeting her husband Stephen, she also began to collaborate with him on teaching, writing books, and providing bereavement support.

Levine is candid about her feelings and experiences, especially when it comes to her difficult childhood, her parents and family, her personal relationships, and cancer. After receiving a crushing cancer prognosis, Levine began a “life review” and devoted her time to resolving unfinished business by the process of forgiveness and healing.

Reading the book, I felt that Levine and I share a common goal: to strive to be a blessing to others every day, but especially to those who are sick and grieving. I am a hospice volunteer, so I also have a special calling to comfort terminally-ill patients and their families. Volunteering with hospice has been one of the most gratifying experiences of my life. It has taught me tremendous lessons in love and healing, and has shown me how to truly value time and appreciate blessings, both small and large.

Levine has explored many spiritual paths. So reading her book as a Christian, I was not familiar with some of the practices and chants she refers to, and sometimes had difficulty comprehending the process. Nonetheless, I fully understood the desired outcomes: love, wisdom, gratitude, forgiveness, and healing. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn about Levine and her dedication to helping others while she continues to make peace with her own illness.

The Healing I Took Birth For: Practicing the Art of Compassion
Weiser Books, May 2015
Paperback, 224 pages
$17.95

“All of us are creatures of a day; the rememberer and the remembered alike,” the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius wrote in Meditations. “All is ephemeral — both memory and the object of memory. The time is at hand when you will have forgotten everything; and the time is at hand when all will have forgotten you. Always reflect that soon you will be no one, and nowhere.” I first encountered this passage when Meditations was required reading in my freshman honors course in college. At the time, the quote had no particular resonance, no more than the hundreds of other pithy phrases in the book. As a college freshman, death remained comfortably distant and abstract and there was so much doing and being that there was no time to think of the eventual forgetting.

Now, having just completed the intern year of my medical training, death has come to the forefront, each day a reminder that we are all no more but also no less than creatures of a day. In doing my rounds, the very ephemeral nature of life is writ large with each patient I see. I’m sorry. It’s cancer, I say. I’m sorry. We’re keeping her as comfortable as possible. I’m sorry. He didn’t make it. I watch their faces, offer a hand. And as I see my patients grapple with their mortality, I come to better appreciate my own. Which makes psychiatrist and author Irvin Yalom’s most recent book, Creatures of a Day: And Other Tales of Psychotherapy, an especially timely read.

As he does in one of his previous books, Love’s Executioner, Yalom gives us in Creatures of a Day a series of patient stories, allowing us into the drama of their lives from within the sanctity of the therapist’s office. This time, though, the focus is squarely on life’s final stanza. Each individual in the book grapples with the inevitability of death and reflects back on the meaning of his or her life thus far.

Yalom introduces us to Andrew, a man who asks for only a single therapy session, then spends most of it having Yalom read over his mentor’s correspondence from years back. He introduces us Natasha, a former ballerina sidelined by gout who searches the National Gallery for the lover of her youth. And there is Rick, a retired business executive who longs for spontaneity and feels imprisoned by his retirement community.

At times these patients can feel like a cast of characters — a Russian ballerina? Really? They sometimes seem a bit too extreme to be real. And yet it is this slight distance between us and Yalom’s patients that may help us see elements of ourselves in their stories.

As I read, I found that something in each person’s life resonated with me. In one essay we meet Alvin, a skilled radiologist who also happens to be a hoarder and who leaves therapy early — unwilling, it seems, to take the next step. I could empathize easily with his holding back, standing on the ledge of change and refusing to jump.

Then there is Charles, a man whose sadness over the sudden death of his dear friend and mentor turns tortured when he learns the friend committed suicide. “All those times he was giving me support, giving me loving advice,” Charles says to Yalom, “at the same time he must have been contemplating killing himself. You see what I mean? Those wonderful blissful times when he and I sat talking, those intimate moments we shared — well, now I know those times didn’t exist.”

The story makes us realize: How well can we really ever know another person? Charles’s story brings to light the difficult role of the rememberer combined with the impossibility of knowing a friend or loved one completely.

Yalom is also masterful at the interplay between psychiatrist and patient. Any clinician would be envious of his swift deductions and graceful repartee with his patients (though, admittedly, as he writes it all down, he does have the power of the revisionist’s pen).

But while Yalom’s skill is apparent, both as storyteller and as clinician, it is also clear that he is profoundly human. His patients may be lucky to receive his astute analysis, but we as readers get to be privy to his internal dialogue.

Throughout the book, Yalom attempts to better understand the complexity of the older individuals who have sought his counsel while also simultaneously considering his own mortality. And as he has us consider the words of Marcus Aurelius nearly two centuries after the ancient Roman died, one has to wonder if this new book isn’t an attempt to thwart the inevitable forgetting.

Creatures of a Day: And Other Tales of Psychotherapy
Basic Books, February 2015
Hardcover, 224 pages
$24.99

If someone new in your life were to offer you a free book or a free home-cooked meal, you might think something’s up. Or, you might graciously accept their offer and think they’re really nice.

According to Wendy Patrick, the author of Red Flags: How to Spot Frenemies, Underminers, and Toxic People in Your Life, we must be mindful of deceptive people who try to ingratiate themselves. As a deputy district attorney and team leader of a sex-crimes-and-stalking division in San Diego, Patrick has dealt with sexual predators, white-collar criminals, and sociopathic criminals who have a history of social prowess and financial power. But while some might consider Patrick’s background essential to the topic of underminers and deceptive people, as a therapist I found her book to have many holes and questionable theories.

Patrick writes that her background in law as well as her schooling in psychology have shaped her views on human nature and personality over time. And so, using a simple acronym, she describes four things we should be mindful of when examining the authenticity of people we communicate with in our daily lives. We must, she writes, notice what captures a person’s attention and determine if their attention is focused on themselves or on others. We should also consider how the person spends their time and determine what their hobbies and interests are. We should look at what company the person keeps, what companion they are interested in, and what organizations they belong to. And, Patrick thinks, we should note their priorities in life and try to determine if their ambitions are selfless or selfish.

Really, many of the ideas Patrick shares on how to separate the dangerous from the desirable are things we already do on a daily basis, have been told to do by our parents or guardians, or are naturally programmed to do as human beings. These guidelines, however, fail to acknowledge the gray areas in people. In reality, we can know all there is to know about someone’s focus, lifestyle, associations, and goals and still struggle to develop an accurate profile of them. As a therapist, I know firsthand that despite our level of intelligence, social prowess, life experience, and, for some of us, years of training, some people will still evade us.

And even when we try to be vigilant, we are easily swayed, especially when people are attractive, financially stable, or charming. We also cannot always tell whether a certain trait truly indicates a problem, but have to instead consider it as part of a larger picture. This is part of why therapists, psychologists, and researchers of human development and personality disorders struggle with educating the public on which red flags they should look out for. We can correctly identify some toxic characteristics, like traits often typical of sociopaths or sexual predators, that should tip us off. But we cannot oversimplify this kind of analysis.

Unfortunately, Patrick does oversimplify. Her legal training seems to give her a black-and-white perspective on the world. That perspective might hinder her ability to see the complexity in a person, and it also might turn off some readers.

At the same time, Patrick does do well in some areas of the book. Her discussion of how we can tell if someone we are dating, living with, working for, or sharing an innocent hello with is somewhat useful. After all, many of us believe that if we are dating someone who is successful, attractive, and charismatic, things are going well. Patrick reminds us that what looks too good to be true usually is.

For example, in chapter two, she focuses on “the attraction of power” and other leadership qualities that tend to draw us in. Then she shows us that sociopaths, CEOs, and others we encounter often manipulate us using their power in order to control, weaken, and deceive us: people like convicted child molester Jerry Sandusky, or Jim Jones, the cult leader who led a group in mass murder–suicide. Both individuals were charming to some degree, charismatic, powerful, and alluring. But both used power to control others, and, ultimately, to hurt or kill them.

Still, Patrick is lacking something in her analysis, and focuses too much on certain kinds of traits or behaviors that, in reality, do not always indicate a problem. Her book might be helpful for those who want a basic look at potential red flags, but it’s missing a lot of important nuance.

Red Flags: How to Spot Frenemies, Underminers, and Toxic People in Your Life
St. Martin’s Press, May 2015
Hardcover, 320 pages
$26.99

Women immerse themselves in their romantic relationships, while men place their romantic partners on an equal but distant footing, according to research from Oxford University.

The study shows that, generally, women are more invested in their relationships than men and that their happiness and well-being is more dependent upon how things are going in their intimate relationships.

Is this a surprise to you? It’s not a surprise to me.

After all, who’s usually the one who recognizes when things in the relationship aren’t working too well? The woman. Who is it that typically seeks professional help for the relationship? The woman. Who is it that mostly spends time reading self-help books and going to seminars about relationships? The woman. But why is it this way?

Women are biologically wired as the nurturers. They’re the ones with the skills to anticipate the needs of their partners, take care of nurturing the relationship and do the problem solving when things have gone awry. Men are more biologically wired as the providers and protectors. It’s not that the relationship isn’t important to them; it’s just that they show it in different ways — by working hard, establishing a career, and maintaining an emotional distance.

You may ask yourself, “How can I change him? How can I make him more involved in this relationship?” I say, you shouldn’t — so don’t even try.

The simple fact is that men and women are different. 

They tend to have different benefits in relationships but they are both interested in intimacy. Young adult women tend to focus mostly on their need for connection. This manifests in having children, creating homes, and nurturing their intimate relationships. That’s not to say women don’t have careers. They do but most prioritize these connecting activities.

Most young adult males focus on their need for significance. They’re interested in making their way in the world and having an impact. This is not to say they don’t have relationships, start families, and create homes. They do, but their priority is typically focused on work.

This dynamic tends to shift in middle age as children leave home. Women believe they’ve invested and sacrificed for their family and now it’s their turn. They go back to school, change careers or develop their own businesses. At this same stage of life, men tend to realize their children are gone and they missed a lot. They’re tired of the rat race and feel ready for connection. So, in a lot of ways, men and women flip roles.

These differences make relationships interesting. Imagine if both of you focused on connection at the same time. You’d feel blissfully happy with each other … but nothing would get done. Similarly, if you are both primarily focused on significance, then you’d have financial success … but have little in the way of intimacy.

Recognize the differences. Embrace the differences. And appreciate what you both bring to your relationship (and don’t forget to tell each other of your appreciation). Allowing each person to embrace who they are and celebrating that will do the best job to increase the intimacy in your relationships.

More at YourTango:

15 Ways Guys Say I Love You Without Saying a Word

10 Ways to Know He’s Head over Heels for You

Don’t Commit to Your Guy Until You Know 7 Things

Article originally posted at YourTango

The post Why Men are More Distant in Relationships appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Before I became a therapist, I had a very hard time seeing how one could forgive the abuser of an innocent child. I found it almost excruciating to try to understand the mindset of the person who had harmed an innocent kid, often their own. But once I became a therapist, I recognized that a host of problems in the abuser’s life and upbringing often contribute to their violent behavior. Mental illness, their own experience of prior abuse, their own early childhood trauma, and substance issues can be factors. Sometimes, though, we cannot quite identify what the behavior stems from.

But as Amy Baker and Mel Schneiderman write in Bonded to the Abuser: How Victims Make Sense of Childhood Abuse, no matter what the cause of the maltreatment, there are children who suffer through unthinkable experiences yet still feel connected to their abuser. They often reach out for some shred of love from the very person who has hurt them. Why?

Baker and Schneiderman deftly explore the issue through the stories of survivors and through their own analyses of those stories. And it is an important subject to analyze. In my own work, I have made more than 500 child-abuse reports, also called childline reports, to date. In the United States, we collectively make a whopping three million of these reports each year, and our country is said to have the worst record among industrialized nations, according to childhelp.org. It is even more frightening when you consider that such a report is made every ten seconds. The question becomes: How can we understand what kinds of mental and emotional problems in adults can lead them to mistreat their children, and what kinds of attachment theory can help us parse the unhealthy connection that results?

In the book, Peter, one of the adults who recounts his story of physical abuse at the hands of his parents, realizes that the unbearable beatings from his father occurred only when his father was drunk. “With each lash of the belt,” Peter recalls, “my body swung and juddered as if I was a rag doll being flung about by a rabid dog.” And although it only happened after his father drank, Peter explains, “Violence of this kind seemed normal to me. It was what parents were for, what they did to you.”

In fact, Baker and Schneiderman reveal, in many cases such violence stems from a parent’s own unhealthy emotional and psychological needs. Socioeconomic stressors, lack of education, lack of mental health treatment, lack of social and familial supports: all of these can result in pent-up rage that gets discharged onto innocent children seeking the love of a parent.

And because we only have so many parents in our lives, children of abusive parents still rely on those guardians for support. As Peter puts it, “Stupidly, I looked forward to seeing him. He was my dad and I wanted him to be pleased to see me. The hopefulness that very young children have hadn’t quite been bashed out of me. I don’t know what I expected but I would run to meet him when he came in.”

Here, Baker and Schneiderman provide insight. One explanation is that many of these children are like hostages who have a dependency. As the authors write, “the one who inflicts the pain is the one who can relive the pain.”

This type of bonding, which they refer to as “traumatic bonding,” can happen when a child experiences periods of positive experience alternating with episodes of abuse. By experiencing both positive and extreme negative from a parent, the authors explain, a child can become almost co-dependent. But, Baker and Schneiderman point out, although they compare this to a hostage situation, a child in these cases is different than an actual hostage, in the sense that the child has a pre-existing caregiving relationship with the abuser. So, although for many of us the idea a child bonding with that person may be impossible to fathom, the way that caregiving combines with violence makes separating oneself from the adult very difficult.

In addition, the book explores why survivors often feel the need to understand the reason that they were abused. Baker and Schneiderman write engagingly about this, too. They look at Monica Holloway’s memoir Driving with Dead People, in which Holloway observes her father being social and personable with the neighbors. She wonders why he is so nice to them and yet so terrible to her. Similarly, the authors quote Peter, who says, “I believed it was no more than I deserved and that it was my fault I brought this kind of punishment on myself. I often thought that if only I wasn’t so bad, I would get affection and sympathy.”

In many ways, Peter speaks for the many victims of maltreatment in the U.S. Indeed, most children believe that they are being abused because they deserve it — they think they must have done something to earn the punishment. They experience self-blame, self-hatred, and humiliation as they try to make sense of why they in particular are the victims of someone’s worst behaviors.

When it comes to this difficult but extremely relevant topic, Baker and Schneiderman give us an excellent resource  As a therapist, I found their book not only interesting but also necessarily jolting. It can be easy to forget, or to not understand, what happens to the millions of children who are hurt by a disturbed parent. One way to ensure that we contribute to the eradication of child abuse is by educating ourselves and awakening our senses to this very heartbreaking reality.

Bonded to the Abuser: How Victims Make Sense of Childhood Abuse
Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, May 2015
Hardcover, 186 pages
$34

Did you know that your life, your relationships, and your body as it is right now is a result of what you expected to come about in your life? Did you know that because of the Law of Perception, what you perceive as “good” or “bad” will, in fact, be drawn to you, whether you like it or not?

Simply put, the Law of Expectations is basically whatever one presumes, with emotion and belief, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you expect the best, what you anticipate with earnest desire will improve.

Likewise, if your habitual thoughts reflect self-doubt and limiting beliefs, then you will surely have more reasons to complain. Just as you expect the best, so it is when you expect things to be difficult. When you focus on lack and hardship, you will attract more of what you do not want into your life.

Your expectations are brought about by your self-image and beliefs. Your beliefs are the foundation of your thoughts and feelings; it’s why you think the way you do and why you take the action you do—it is all based on your belief system and what you expect in your life.

How to Shift into the Power of Positive Expectation

You can shift from self-doubt to powerful expectation by changing your thoughts from “I can’t” to “I can” to develop your strengths and lessen your weaknesses. Focus on your desires of what you truly want with faith, believing that you can achieve anything you set your mind to!

Release the self-doubts of “I don’t think I can …” or the limiting beliefs of “Life is hard …” by thinking, “I expect wonderful people, circumstance, and events” and “Life is beautiful and easy.” You can blast through the limiting ceiling in your mind by being positive to establish powerful, self-supporting beliefs. By doing so, your faith will increase and your expectations will shift to that of “expecting to receive” rather than “expecting to fail.” Before you know it, you will see the rewards from your efforts.

Rather than giving your attention to what you do not want, focus on what you DO want. Visualize your dreams as if you were ALREADY living them. Your thoughts will impress upon your body as to what to do, which ignites action, either wanted or unwanted. That’s why it’s imperative to think positively with the expectation to receive.

The more proactive you are in attaining your desires, the more you will set positive energy into motion, which will attract back to you like energy.

To create a new mindset of expecting, do the following exercise to imprint the energy of expectation steadfastly in your mind.

1. Write on a sheet of paper what it is you desire to become, do, or have. Next, write if you really believe you can manifest what you want or not. (Note: what you “think twice” about or doubt is an area in which you have limiting beliefs of receiving.)

2. To clear a limiting belief of the dreams you doubt, write, “I am a creator. I create my life on purpose!” and “I will achieve my dreams!” You can also write, “I willingly release all doubts and fears associated with this desire” or “I expect my dreams to come true.”

3. To establish a new belief of what you desire and expect in your life, get in the habit of looking at yourself in the mirror each day and saying, “I willingly receive. I am …” and say what you desire to become. Do that for the next 30 days until it becomes a new self-affirming belief. As you tell yourself your new truths, feel how awesome it will be when you are living your dreams. Always end with love and thankfulness for that which will be.

By incorporating these simple exercises into your life, you will be able to incorporate the power of the Law of Expectations, and you will soon discover just how magical life can be.

Carol Whitaker is the author of Ridiculously Happy! The Secret to Manifesting the Life & Body of Your Dreams. Carol is a highly sought-after lifestyle fitness and life coach and is well known for the amazing transformations she creates in her clients’ lives. Carol is a motivational speaker and is passionate about inspiring men and women to live a ridiculously happy, fit life. Carol is an ongoing featured expert on national media and online websites. She is dedicated to helping people accomplish their dreams. Carol is a happily married mother of three. Connect with Carol on Facebook to receive her health, fitness, and happiness tips or follow her on Twitter. Visit CarolWhitaker.com to learn more about her transformation services, along with tools and secrets to discover how to create your best life today.

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As a therapist I am a firm believer in the power of personal experience to connect with clients and remove barriers. Sometimes the best tool we have to teach others is through our own experience with tribulation. Still, when I first picked up Life is Trichy: Memoir of a Mental Health Therapist with a Mental Health Disorder, I thought the author, Lindsey Muller, may have gone too far.

I wondered why a therapist like Muller would disclose her most personal experience with potential clients, past clients, and strangers. Perhaps writing such a book is a show of courageousness, or perhaps a way to help “heal” her clients through her own experience. Whatever the case, Muller describes in detail her struggle with trichotillomania and other body-focused repetitive behaviors, called BFRBs for short, in a way that both lets us into her innermost experience and yet leaves out too much important information.

Trichotillomania is a disorder that causes hair pulling from various parts of the body, including eyelashes, scalp, beard, chest, pubic area, and other places that result in patches or bald spots. The mental health field currently considers it an obsessive-compulsive disorder triggered by anxiety, but also sometimes considers it a self-injurious behavior, or SIB.

Both BFRBs in general and trichotillomania in particular are complicated. We do not, at this point, always know what triggers the behavior, or how it should be treated. And, as Muller knows, we do not often discuss it.

That is why Muller discusses her challenges in a way that normalizes the experience of BFRBs. She uses very few mental health terms and writes more for a lay audience — and through the art of disclosure, aims to help readers better understand these conditions.

As Muller explains, she had a positive, healthy, calm childhood — nothing there that would seem to precipitate her hair-pulling behaviors. She had attentive and supportive parents. She went to a good school and got good grades, and was an overachiever. So why did chronic hair-pulling and skin-picking begin? What would trigger these behaviors if her life seemed to be good?

Muller suggests that her trichotillomania may have been triggered by brain overload, such as multi-tasking or engaging in a difficult task that requires sustained attention or brain stimulation. She also attributes it to a desire for internal homeostasis (balance) and low attentional demand (boredom). She provides a brief overview of the diagnostic criteria for trichotillomania and available treatment options — and she admits, to a certain degree, that her view of the disorder is different from that of other clinicians. Some experts believe the illness is caused by behaviors that become habitual and anxiety-related, or that they are related to ruminative thought patterns that trigger emotional responses.

As to how Muller overcame her trichotillomania, she remains vague. She states only that she grew tired of the hair-pulling, and it stopped.

It is useful that Muller reveals her internal thought patterns, feelings, and conflicting emotions that often accompany her BFRBs. That can help educate clients, parents, and families about the reality of living with trichotillomania. At the same time, by projecting herself to have been a well-adjusted child, Muller may make it hard for readers to relate to her.

Moreover, the way she seems to have easily overcome trichotillomania may alienate other sufferers. My own clients with BFRBs mostly report that their behaviors are very difficult to stop, and some even have suicidal thoughts that seem to be triggered by their BFRBs. If they could just “grow tired” of the disorder, they would. But, unlike what Muller claims happened to her, they do not.

And so Muller leaves us confused. She does offer a very personal look at what it’s like to be an otherwise well-adjusted person who suffers from trichotillomania. But when it comes to treatment, she leaves a lot out.

Life is Trichy: Memoir of a Mental Health Therapist with a Mental Health Disorder
Mindful Publishing Co., November 2014
Paperback, 192 pages
$16

In 8 Keys to Practicing Mindfulness, part of the Norton 8 Keys series of self-help books on mental health, Manuela Mischke Reeds provides an excellent introduction to mindfulness for those who want to begin and grow a practice. Reeds teaches mindfulness-based and somatic psychology around the world and co-directs the Hakomi Institute of California, and also has her own private practice.

The very first step, or key, in mindfulness, Reeds explains, is to “meet the present moment.” She excels at teaching the reader about the integration of mind and body, which, really, are one and the same to begin with.

One exercise traditionally used in teaching relaxation is alternating tensing the body and then relaxing so we can tell the difference. Reeds has us, as readers, move our body into a position as if we had a big weight on our chest and take note of how we feel, then note the difference when we change posture and let that weight go. This is an exercise from the book that I have incorporated into my own practice and in my teaching.

Reeds also teaches posture and breathing and progressively leads the reader along the path of increasing awareness of each moment. Just changing posture and breathing can have an amazing effect on our emotions and sense of well-being. Other subtopics in the book include slowing down, befriending your body, and trusting your sensations. Reeds thoughtfully builds each section upon the one before it. And, because the solid research she enumerates is not enough — we need to actually develop a practice to feel the effects of mindfulness — Reeds also gives us a way to measure our baseline at the beginning, then follow our progress as we go.

Reeds gives examples of how mindfulness has helped her and her clients, with one especially nice story. Her son, she writes, is getting very frustrated trying to remember the name of a Roman emperor for an exam the next day. He is close to panic, or, as Reeds calls it, “the invasion of the body snatchers” when emotions “hijack reason and recall.”

In this situation, Reeds’s mantra is “cool head remembers, busy head forgets.” She leads her son through a body-awareness exercise that calms him. And then, the answer for the Roman emperor comes.

Other great examples in the book show how mindfulness and meditation can bring out an awareness of pain, and Reeds teaches us how to deal with that. We can use curiosity, she writes, and learn from fear, anxiety, trauma, and shame. And, she explains, there are physical aspects of emotional reactions. Reeds deftly describes what happens during fight-or-flight, and the role that our vagus nerve plays in emotional regulation.

We can choose how to act, Reeds emphasizes. We can change our lives and those we touch with kindness and by opening our hearts. We can be open to the world with a sense of curiosity and without judgment. To illustrate, Reeds relays the Taoist story of a man whose horse runs away. In the story, a neighbor says how unfortunate it is that the horse is gone. The man is not so sure. The horse returns with other horses. The neighbor says how fortunate that is. The man is not so sure. The man’s son is thrown from one of the new horses and breaks his leg. “How unfortunate!” says the neighbor. The man is not so sure. The army comes through and drafts all the young men except the man’s son with the broken leg.

You never know what life will hold, Reeds writes. What you do control is how you react to it. And although it is up to us to keep at it once we begin a mindfulness practice, Reeds provides a thoughtful, helpful guide.

8 Keys to Practicing Mindfulness: Practical Strategies for Emotional Health and Well-Being
W. W. Norton & Company, June 2015
Paperback, 256 pages
$19.95

When you’d give anything – and we mean anything – to meet someone special to share your life with, it can be (very) annoying to hear: “But, trust me, you’ll miss these times one day!!” Especially when those words are coming from your dearest friend, who has, in your opinion, what seems like the happiest relationship.

But before you start to turn green with envy, remember the different kind of green: the other side of the relationship token, where single life gives you some advantages that coupled-up folks don’t always have the opportunity to enjoy. While you hope to – and let’s be real, you will! – meet someone to share your life with, having a few months or years to be single and make choices for yourself, without considering anyone else, is a blessing in disguise. Apart from teaching you how to stand confidently on your own and having the freedom to come and go (or sit and read) as you please, this time of flying solo can make you stronger and feel freer than any other part of your life.

In no particular order, here are some pretty killer things to never take for granted when you’re single:

1. That Netflix cue? It’s all yours. One day, you’ll have to share it with Mr. Law & Order SVU.

You know your saved favorites? And how you look forward to crawling into bed to watch that late-night episode before falling asleep? Well, one day, you’ll have someone who might get a bit upset if you skip ahead in the season… or when you want to watch a girly movie and he’s not into it. Savor that que, babe.

2. Whatever you want for dinner, you got it. But not forever.

Pick up Chipotle on your way home from bootcamp class? Or decide you’ll just have some carrots and guac with some banana chips for dessert? Enjoy having your own dinner schedule because when you live with someone, you’ll have to talk about what you’re having for dinner on gchat.. every darn day.

3. Feel kind of overwhelmed by your summer plans and weddings to attend? Now double those invites.

Yep, his second cousin’s second wedding that’s a 5-hour flight away is just as important as your high school best friend’s bachelorette party in Vegas. Start strategizing those vacation days now.

4. Love sleeping with five pillows in the middle of your bed? One day, we’re sorry, but you’ll have to share.

He might not be a fan of surrounding himself with pillows and might not like that you push him off the bed to make more space for your dog.

5. Want to do absolutely nothing but sleep late, take a mid-day yoga class and go shopping on the weekends? Do it now.

Because when you meet someone pretty great, you’ll want to spend some time with him. You might even stay up late. Or he might snore and wake you up and you’ll be too tired for downward dog. Or you’ll have another one of those BBQs or weddings to attend. You’re free girl, savor it.

6. Last-minute, solo trip to the Caribbean with the girls, just because you have some money and it’s a good price? Book that baby!

…because one day, you probably will want to take your man along for a romantic getaway. Or you’ll want to save that cash for something more practical, like a house, a wedding…or babies.

7. Do you love your framed artwork and your shabby-chic style? Or maybe you’re more modern with colorful accents. However you like to design your space… go crazy now.

Because he might not want that image of Marilyn Monroe or inspirational quote calendar to hang in your living room when you move in together.

What do you love about being single?

Lindsay Tigar is a 26-year-old single writer, editor, and blogger living in New York City. She started her popular dating blog, Confessions of a Love Addict, after one too many terrible dates with tall, emotionally unavailable men (her personal weakness) and is now developing a book about it, represented by the James Fitzgerald Agency. She writes for eHarmony, YourTango, REDBOOK, and more. When she isn’t writing, you can find her in a boxing or yoga class, booking her next trip, sipping red wine with friends or walking her cute pup, Lucy.

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Ready for a relationship that will last? Here are six things you need to QUIT first!

1. Quit thinking it WON’T last. Going into a relationship thinking it’s doomed means only one thing – it is. Every time things aren’t perfect you’ll feel validated. “See? I knew it. We didn’t have a chance.” If you honestly believe relationships will never stand the test of time then the reality is you will sabotage each one to ensure that you are right. You will test each partner to see how much of your bad behavior they can tolerate before finally leaving you as you yell, “I knew you’d never stay” to a slamming door. If this is you–don’t date until you’ve figured this out.

2. Quit playing games. You’re mad. Or sad. Or hurt. Your partner asks, “What’s wrong?” And you say, “nothing.” Or yell about something else entirely later that evening. Stupid, childish, relationship-killing games. Eventually people keep score. Get even. Withdraw affection. Stop trying to even find an answer. Instead? Talk to each other! Explain. Listen. Find a solution. Take hurt and anger out of the equation because they are two of the most manipulative, reactive, and dangerous emotions to use while trying to communicate respectfully.

3. Quit thinking love is enough. In the long run, couples who make it through the good and bad still caring for each other have more going for them than just love. They truly LIKE their partner too. Liking can get you through a lot. Love is about attraction. Commitment. Attachment. But liking is about the joy. Respect. Fun. And contentment. If you can look at your partner and say you genuinely LIKE them. Want to be with them. Can talk to them. Can be FRIENDS with them – then you’ve got something to hold on to.

4.Quit being jealous. If they truly can’t be trusted – then why would you date them in the first place? And if they are trustworthy but you have a problem because of past betrayals, then get your own act together before you demolish someone else’s self-esteem with your insecurities and baggage. The flip side? If you find yourself in a relationship where the other person is jealous and you are doing nothing to warrant it? Walk away fast. Jealousy is NOT a sign of love. It’s possessive and demeaning. Long lasting relationships are anchored in trust.

5.Quit settling for less than you want. Relationships are based on equal balances of power. Meaning each brings some strengths to the table that the other one doesn’t have. When you accept someone who doesn’t meet (or even come close) to what you want – you’re settling. And settling never made anyone happy long term. Successful couples last because they both respect the value and worth of the other.

6.Quit thinking you need someone else in order to be happy. Go about your life. Stop waiting. Make friends. Be outstanding at work. Travel. Get in shape. Eat healthy. Be happy. The kind of person you are looking for doesn’t want an unhappy, miserable, lonely or desperate partner. The more you take care of yourself and become self-fulfilled the more people will want to be with you. Love you. Stay with you. It’s time to QUIT some behaviors that create dysfunctional partnerships and start attracting people who love you and want to be with you for all the right reasons.

Connie Podesta is a game-changing, idea-generating ball of fire whose rare blend of humor, substance, style and personality have made her one of the most memorable, in-demand speakers in the world today. 25 years. Two million people. 1000 organizations. Hall of Fame speaker. Award-winning author.  Seven books. Former Radio/TV personality. Human Relations Expert. Therapist for 30 years. Topics on sales, leadership, change, life balance and success. And (what we all probably could use now and then)…a Comedienne. To learn more about her strategies, insights, and solutions, visit her online today at http://ift.tt/1Jw5BRP. While you’re there – read the first chapter of her powerful new eBook Redefining Happiness or watch some of her powerful videos!

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As a grad student I was part of a group focused on women in science and medicine. In addition to getting camaraderie and support, we had the opportunity to bring in notable women to hear about their paths to career success. And here, inevitably, the conversation would turn personal. The underlying question was always the same: How do you do it? How do you have a life — children, a spouse, a white picket fence — and a career?

While each reply was different, each tended to tip the concept of work-life balance on its head. Rather than describe a steady equipoise with scales weighted equally — career on one side, family on the other, each woman would depict a perpetual state of flux and flow, of give and take, of bringing work home and home to work and, at different times, of focusing hard on one, possibly at the expense of the other.

And so, given how many times I have heard from women about how work-life balance is not really balance, per se, I looked forward to Teresa Taylor’s new book The Balance Myth: Rethinking Work-Life Success. And yet Taylor’s account left me feeling harried, not ready for action.

By any measure, Taylor has achieved significant career success. Despite being the first in her family to finish college, she worked her way to CEO of telecom giant Qwest, putting herself in the rare position of being a woman in the upper echelons of a Fortune 200 company. She also has a husband and two sons. In the book, Taylor describes her own process of struggling with work-life balance. She used to try to keep everything divided, she writes, maintaining distinct home and work calendars, keeping her kids out of any workplace conversation, and generally trying to maintain everything as separate but equal. Instead of feeling balanced, however, this left her split in two.

Realizing it wasn’t working, she began to let the two overlap. She collapsed her two calendars into one, noting, “As a consequence, I stopped feeling so segmented, and it felt increasingly comfortable to intertwine my two lives. At work, I mentioned my kids. I talked about my family. As I did this, my relationships improved at the office as well. I discovered that other people have family issues, too.”

To us, her readers, she gives the following advice. “Above all,” she writes, “try not to think of your life as a zero-sum game or as an equation that has to be balanced. I’ve learned that there is not one magical answer to the question of ‘balance.’ Society tells us it’s acceptable to succeed at work, provided it doesn’t impact our home life,” she continues. “Unfortunately, trying to achieve the mythical ‘balance’ simply causes endless frustration.”

Rather than a separation, Taylor proposes a concept of layers, integrating work and home life. She shares stories of taking the kids to the office on the weekend, when her husband was working as well so he could be home for part of the week with the children. Bringing the kids to work mostly went well, she explains. Except when it didn’t.

“One Sunday afternoon while in the conference room,” she writes, “Jack and Joe grew bored while filling the whiteboard with Picasso-like expressions in blue, green, red, and black dry-erase markers. In search of loftier artistic pursuits, they extended the limits of their creativity to include the walls. The wallpaper. The wood trim. The paint. On the large conference table sat a clean, unused whiteboard eraser. Along with explaining its uses to them, I taught my boys how to scrub walls that day.”

But while I appreciate Taylor’s message that balance may be both an unrealistic and impractical goal, I am not entirely on board with the alternative she offers.  

In her description of her layering approach, for example, she details her method of time management. She writes, “If I have any sort of superpower, it’s an awareness of time. I am always watching the clock. Wonder Woman had her bullet-deflecting bracelets. I have my wristwatch. My wristwatch tells me how much time until and how much time since for every meeting, errand, chore, and task I take on.”

Reading this, I can feel myself start to hyperventilate. Who would want such a frenetic schedule? Maybe it brings career success, but happiness?

Similarly, Taylor describes working late nights after her children have gone to bed and long weekends after she has already put in a more-than-full work week. “Be who you are all the time and work harder than everyone else to make it work,” she offers.

I appreciate that she is being true to herself and encourages others to do the same, but am not sure that the way Taylor does it will ring true with many. Her energy and intensity are undeniable. But rather than leaving me inspired to push forward, her book left me thinking I couldn’t do that — or, perhaps more accurately, I don’t want to.

The Balance Myth: Rethinking Work-Life Success
Greenleaf Book Group Press, April 2013
Hardcover, 232 pages
$21.95

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Enter to win a chance to see Zarkana by Cirque du Soleil at Aria Resort & Casino in Las Vegas!

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Psychotherapist Susan Pease Gadoua and journalist Vicki Larson know that marriage is in trouble. Close to half of all marriages end in divorce. Growing numbers of adults are raising kids without marrying. Millions are cohabiting and millions more are living solo. But the co-authors are not despairing. In The New “I Do”: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists, and Rebels, they want to make marriage work for people who want to marry, in ways that suit their personal reasons for marrying.

Many books promise to help couples succeed in their marriages by telling them “how to improve communication, resolve conflict, manage expectations, and enhance intimacy and sex.” Gadoua and Larson promise that their book is not still another variant of that tired template, and they stick to that promise.

Instead, they wisely realize that when a particular institution fails to deliver on its promise (“happily ever after”) at a stunning rate, the problem is not with the individual married people, it is with the institution. The contemporary model of marriage is suited to marriages “based on survival, procreation, property, and wealth.” Today, though, people are more often marrying for love.

That’s dreamy, but it is not specific enough. When pushed to consider what they really want out of a marriage (as couples are too rarely asked to do), people turn out to have many different kinds of ideas. Some are committed to their relationship but want to live in places of their own (living apart together marriages). Some want to be married but not monogamous (open marriages). Others don’t care much about passion; they are in it for the friendship (companionship marriages). Some want the comfort of financial security or health insurance (safety marriages). Other couples just need to give marriage a try for a few years, without having children or promising to be there for each other for the long haul (starter marriages). A few want to sign on to exacting standards of commitment, vowing not to divorce except under conditions of extreme duress (covenant marriages).

The varieties of marriage presented by the authors are vastly different from each other, and the authors are resolutely nonjudgmental about all of them. They do, though, have strong opinions. They believe that people who are thinking about marrying, or who are reassessing their current marriage, should be very deliberate in spelling out – in a legal contract (which is what marriage really is) – what they actually want. They are all for prenups (or postnups, if it is already too late for the prenup) and offer a chapter dispelling myths about them and describing the special considerations relevant to the different kinds of marriages.

The heart of the book consists of individual chapters about each of the different kinds of marriages. The authors share stories from people they have interviewed and present statistics and relevant social science data. Each of these chapters ends with bulleted sections on what’s good about that kind of marriage, what’s not so good about it, how to make it work, whether it is right for you, suggestions for further reading, and a very helpful list of takeaways. If you are seriously considering a do-it-yourself marriage, in the sense that you and your partner want to choose the marital model that is best suits your particular goals, you could expand your thinking and learn a lot in a very short amount of time simply by reading that very last section of each chapter.

Bookending the self-help chapters in the middle are several opening chapters and one concluding chapter that are more contextual. With one exception, they are broad-ranging, thoughtful, well-researched, concise, and highly readable. Readers who want detailed, book-length histories of marriage can find several elsewhere (for example, Marriage, a History, by Stephanie Coontz and A History of Marriage, by Elizabeth Abbott). Gadoua and Larson, in Chapter 1, offer the best brief history I have ever read.

Chapter 2, “Why Put a Ring on It?,” also had a lot to offer, but it was marred for me by a table of selective research findings supposedly demonstrating the benefits of marrying. It includes the typical misleading statements that “Marriage makes people happy” and “Marriage makes people healthier” and many more. These are claims that I have been debunking for nearly two decades (early on in Singled Out, more recently in Marriage vs. Single Life: How Science and the Media Got It So Wrong, and in countless blog posts and article in between).

As a lifelong single person and a scholar of single life, I also cringed at the places in the book where living single was equated with being alone. Most were in the chapter on Companionship Marriage; for example, “Marrying a good companion may be better than being alone.” It is as if single people have no parents, no friends, no siblings, no cousins – well, no one of any variety who is important to them. That assumption, too (like the ones about how getting married will make you happier and healthier), is hardly unique to this book. It is part of the prevailing ideology of our time that “alone” is synonymous with single.

After the unfortunate claims about the alleged superiority of married people and married parents, I was delighted to get to a concluding chapter that really did recognize and value the many different kinds of people and relationships in our lives (other than spouses and marital relationships). There, the authors raised what I think are some of the most significant questions about marriage: “Why should the government give benefits to you because you got hitched and others haven’t…? Why should the state decide that some relationships are ‘worthy’ and valuable and others aren’t?”

Drawing from the work of scholars and advocates, Gadoua and Larson present the argument that society needs to protect those who are most vulnerable and those who care for the vulnerable. In a society that placed caring relationships at its ethical center, “Single parents would get the support they need, as would whoever cares for the elderly, disabled, or sick – from childfree couples to singletons.”

The New “I Do” is the most useful resource out there for the marrying kinds who want to define what marriage means to them and then make it work. In the opening and closing chapters, it is also a wonderful read for readers of any marital status who like smart, insightful big-picture discussions of what marriage has been and what it could, and perhaps should, be in the future.

The New “I Do”: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists, and Rebels

By Susan Pease Gadoua and Vicki Larson

Seal Press, 2014 [find the month]

Softcover, 234 pages

$17

Relationship Configurations

When relationships are examined by the media and/or empirical research, the focus is often on the traditional monogamous couple (i.e., one male and female, two males, or two females). These monogamous relationships are depicted as the natural and healthy ideal.¹ Conversely, the media often portrays those in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships as deviants; and therapists also suggest that the existence of CNM relationships mean the primary relationship is troubled.¹ Clearly, there is a stigma surrounding non-monogamy, and, therefore, non-monogamy is generally not openly discussed. This is problematic, not only because non-monogamous individuals are often stereotyped, but they also suffer from a lack of support within the therapeutic community. Nicole Graham, a psychiatrist, writes, “It is apparent that a lack of awareness of and appreciation for non-traditional relationship patterns can have deleterious effects, including but not limited to a lack of objectivity, inadvertent criticism and potential pathologization of individuals, damaged therapeutic alliances, resultant treatment non-adherence, and potentially poorer patient outcomes.”²

This article will discuss why it is so important to understand the various types of relationship configurations that exist, specifically polyamory, as well as provide a first-hand account and a deeper understanding of the polyamorous community. First, it is important to recognize that there are a variety of relationship configurations. For a brief discussion of non-monogamous relationships, please refer to my previous article on open relationships (see here).³

As previously mentioned, there are many societal, as well as therapeutic benefits of taking a closer look at CNM relationships. Mental health practitioners must be able to recognize the sexual fluidity both within individuals and within their relationship arrangements.  Marianne Brandon, a clinical psychologist asks,

“If we as treators cannot accept and contain the monogamy challenge, how can we help our patients to do the same?...And if we chose to criticize our patients’ non-monogamous choices can we still optimally assist them in the intimate challenges for which they seek help? Probably not. And our patients need our help now more than ever”⁴

In order to be able to help those who come in with an “unconventional” relationship style, therapists must address their personal biases, and what better way to do that than by learning more about unconventional relationships?

Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start here. ~ Cheryl Strayed

Cheryl Strayed’s Tiny Beautiful Things features a beautiful collection of well-crafted, undeniably relatable letters, along with astute responses from advice columnist ‘Sugar’ (Strayed).

The premise of Tiny Beautiful Things is simple, yet paramount. Countless readers write to Sugar, in the hopes that she will dole out succinct, pertinent and compassionate advice, sprinkled with doses of tough love. And not one response fails to do just that.

Strayed isn’t a professionally trained clinical psychologist, but in a way, that’s what makes her replies inspirational. Because of Strayed’s past experiences, because of her endearing tenderness for humanity, she is quintessentially the perfect voice for Sugar.

These thoughtful letters illustrate a wide variety of issues, including grief, infidelity, strained family relationships and a general feeling of restlessness, by individuals who feel stuck and lost.

Sugar’s words are earnest, honest and heartfelt, echoing pivotal truths.

“Nobody will protect you from your suffering,” she writes to a grief-stricken woman.

“You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal. Therapists and friends and other people who live on Planet My Baby Died can help you along the way, but the healing — the genuine healing, the actual real deal down-on-your-kneees-in-the-mud change — is entirely and absolutely up to you.”

When one nervous 29-year-old writes to Sugar, wary about her upcoming wedding vows, Sugar responds: “It’s a long damn life, Happily Ever After.”

“And people get mucked up in it from time to time. Even the people we marry. Even us. You don’t know what it is you’ll get mucked up in yet, but if you’re lucky, and if you and your fiance are really right for each other, and if the two of you build a marriage that lasts a lifetime, you’re probably going to get mucked up in a few things along the way. This is scary, but it’s okay. Sometimes the thing you fear most in your relationship turns out to be the thing that brings you and your partner to a deeper place of understanding and intimacy.”

In an interview Strayed discusses the universal nature of her Dear Sugar column and how readers’ letters truly encourage her to help herself and reflect upon her own life.

“Ultimately, the truth is that we have to help ourselves — we all benefit from people helping us, but we will never get anywhere if we don’t help ourselves,” she said.

“[There is] a universal truth that we are all responsible for our lives — that we all suffer, and we all try to find light in that darkness, strength in that weakness….I’m talking to myself too — all the time, every day. It’s not as if I have the answer, and I’m giving the answers. I’m, instead, really down there in the struggle, speaking to it, trying to speak as openly as possible about what it means to be human.”

Cheryl Strayed’s Tiny Beautiful Things is a testament to the human condition. Don’t pass it by.

While developing an awareness-raising campaign for the identification and treatment of psychological abuse for the nonprofit I work with, I delved deep into researching personality traits and disorders that contribute to the dynamic of psychological abuse. I was reading all the literature I could get my hands on. Some of it was aimed at mental health professionals. Some were heartwrenching personal accounts of those who have been to narcissist hell and back. While there is no shortage of books on narcissism, very few of them are suited for the narcissists themselves. Even fewer of them offer hope.

Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special can be recommended to those who deal with narcissists and those think they are narcissists and wonder if there is hope. It handles the topic compassionately and empathetically without sacrificing realism.

Craig Malkin, a Harvard psychologist, starts the book by taking us along on a journey back to ancient Greece. He recounts the legend of Narcissus, the prototypical narcissist, and Echo, the quintessential self-abnegator. Dr. Malkin’s semantic approach makes all the difference. In rebranding narcissism as “feeling special,” he depathologizes it and opens the doors for discussing how narcissism can both be healthy and necessary in moderation. He coined the term “Echoists,” named after the self-effacing Echo of the legend, to describe those who think too little of themselves.

In doing so, the legend of Echo and Narcissus became a cautionary tale. Envisioning narcissism on a spectrum that we can slide up or down rather than a fixed personality trait offers hope for all. This, I believe, is the most helpful stance for mental health professionals seeking to counsel patients on dealing with painful self-involvement, both their own and their loved ones.

Dr. Malkin’s contention is that unhealthy self-involvement manifests in two distinct pathologies: too much of it (the affliction of narcissists), and too little of it (the bane of Echoists.) Between Echoists and narcissists lies healthy narcissism. The author frequently points out that gently moving along the spectrum, without sliding all the way to becoming a self-negating Echoist, is important. His message offers hope and direction for people at both ends of the spectrum should they want to change.

The nuanced narcissism test included in the book solves the age-old problem of pathologizing the overly self-involved while not pointing out to the overly self-effacing that their behavior opens doors for their victimization. This stance is the empowering way out of abusive relationships. Often I hear women in our support groups say that they are acting the way they are because they are “kind.” I hear these women say that it’s their responsibility to “suck it up” and “take one for the team.” Demonizing narcissists comforts their victims but does not help them out of trouble.

The part that follows delves into the roots and making of narcissists and Echoists and their operant beliefs — “don’t be ordinary” and “don’t dream big,” respectively. It also presents an in-depth discussion of the dynamics of relationships among people with varying degrees of narcissism.

Part III has plenty of information on, and analysis of, the warning signs of unhealthy narcissism. Two chapters are dedicated to describing interventions aimed at dealing with narcissists, and the rationale behind them. Both chapters are in the same vein: what to do to empower oneself, how much to try and then how to identify when it’s time to call it quits. Dr. Malkin’s advice is helpful, sensitive, and professional. The author rightly emphasized the importance of feeling emotional and psychological safety before attempting to engage the narcissist in a change conversation.

My only concern is that the caveats and warnings he provides are laid out inadequately. This important information is placed amid the regular paragraph text and can easily be glossed over. Many people scan material looking for “the answers” through reading subtitles and first sentences of paragraphs, and so they might not notice the prerequisites for attempts at repair.

I hope that the emphasis on feeling psychological safety will be displayed prominently in future editions, either through placing them in a box, quote caption, or even just through an alternate formatting form. Perhaps I am overly worried and patronizing of readers, but when it comes to victims withstanding abuse thinking they can change their abuser’s behavior, I would rather err on the side of caution.

Part IV is chock-full of practical tips and hope-inspiring messages. Its theme is “promoting healthy narcissism.” The recommended parenting practices are both comprehensive and firmly rooted in theory. One of the true gems of the book that will prove useful to every mental health clinician is the chapter on the healthy use of social media. The author offers an overview of the most recent studies of the interplay between social media and narcissism and tips on how to use social media to promote emotional well-being.

Among all the books that have been published on the topic in the past 10 years, Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special stands out as a definite must-read.