If you live a life of arguments, fighting, and conflicts in your family and at work, you are killing yourself. Danish researchers have found that people who fight and argue suffer 10 times more cancer and are 2 to 3 times more likely to die than those who do not.
The researchers found that stresses related to excess demands, conflicts, and arguing were linked to a 50 percent to 100 percent increased risk of death from any cause. Among all these stresses, arguing was the most harmful.
Frequent arguments with partners, relatives, friends or neighbors were associated with a doubling to tripling in the risk of death from any cause, compared with those who said these incidents were rare.
The question remains, what to do about it? How might you stop an argument in its tracks?
Only one skill truly works at reducing or stopping arguments.
The secret: Knowing how to listen, but not in the way you normally listen. Here’s how:
1. Ignore the words. When you ignore the words, you can listen to everything else.
When you listen to the words, your ego becomes involved. You will react to any nasty things the other person says to you, and the argument will inevitably escalate.
2. Be silent.
This will keep you from becoming reactive, and it gives you a space to pay attention for the next step.
3. Observe and identify the emotions flowing through the other person.
Emotions flow like waves. People experience many emotions at once or in a group. Identify those that seem obvious to you. There are usually five layers of emotions:
Anger, frustration
Disrespect, injustice, betrayal, not being heard
Fear, anxiety
Sadness, grief
Abandonment, loneliness
4. Simply and directly reflect the emotions you are observing.
“You are angry and frustrated. You don’t feel heard. You feel betrayed.”
5. Keep at it until you see a head nod from the other person. When that happens, stop. You are complete.
A couple of warnings. First, do not ask if someone is feeling an emotion. For example, do not say, “Are you angry?” Second, do not use “I” statements. You might have learned to say something like, “What I hear you saying is X.” The science shows this is not only ineffective, it actually makes the other person more frustrated.
When you listen for the emotions, amazing things happen. First, your ego disappears, and you no longer can be triggered by anything being said to you. Second, you can de-escalate an angry adult or child in 90 seconds or less. Third, you can provide a priceless gift of listening another person into existence.
The challenge is that the skill is counter-intuitive. You might feel that reflecting someone’s emotions is rude. You might be reticent because you might be wrong. As you experiment with this type of listening, you will find that these fears are unfounded. Have courage — this type of listening is powerful.
You must ignore the words and listen only for the emotions. You cannot use “I” statements or ask questions. The old active listening where you repeat back or paraphrase the words does not work to de-escalate anger and strong emotions. If you focus only on the emotional experience of your story teller, you will de-escalate strong emotions, such as anger and rage, in 90 seconds or less.
Learning how to listen can lengthen your life, reduce your stress, improve your relationships, and transform the lives of those you love. Like any serious skill, it takes knowledge and practice, but can be mastered in a few hours of instruction. Give yourself a precious gift of life: Learn how to listen.
Douglas E. Noll, JD, MA is an award-winning lawyer, author, speaker, and trainer. After a successful two-decade career as a trial lawyer, he devoted himself to understanding the root causes of human conflict. Today, he shares his knowledge with those interested in transforming their lives and relationships from drama and chaos to peace and love. For more strategies visit www.dougnoll.com.
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