Lisa Find Love

A few years ago, my mother called the police when my brother said he had the desire to kill himself. He’d been admitted to a mental hospital. The lobby looked decent enough. But once we got to the back where my brother was, I could feel my soul crumple up. I already felt my brother’s did, too. Our grandmother tried to get him to say anything, while our mother seemed to just stare ahead.

I looked around to see the area he had to sleep. The bedrooms looked like bathroom stalls, with thin mattresses at the corners. Other patients wandered around the room with their thin blue gowns. Two RNs with the same colored scrubs looked as pleasant. A patient behind me told his parents, “That girl in the purple looks weird.” I happened to be wearing purple.

Derek had his first breakdown when I was in middle school. I still remember when he punched a hole in the wall. Our uncle fixed it, so now there are no remnants of it.

Over the years, I never really knew what Derek’s problem was. It took years after this incident for me to find out what schizophrenia was. It was a huge part of why my brother was the way he was.

A lot of people, even doctors, have a lot of assumptions about schizophrenia. In reading this article, I decided to examine each myth and how I feel they relate to my brother.

1. Individuals with schizophrenia all have the same symptoms.
   There are different shades of schizophrenia, including a disorganized type and a paranoid type. Derek may have the latter. He often believes there are people out there attempting to kill us. He was even convinced that our neighbor, a close friend of our mother for years, was plotting the death of our uncle.
2. People with schizophrenia are dangerous, unpredictable and out of control.
   The incident with Derek punching the wall wouldn’t be the last. He would continue to punch walls, but only for a short period. In fact, research shows that people with schizophrenia more often are victims of violence than perpetrators.
3. Schizophrenia is a character flaw.
   “Lazy, lacking in motivation, lethargic, easily confused…” This pretty much describes my brother to a T. But my brother cares. Every time any one of us goes out and stays longer than usual, he’ll call us a whole bunch of times to see where we are, what we’re doing, how we’re doing it, etc. When I got into an altercation with a family member, he was there. So whenever he asks for cigarette money for the hundredth time in a week, I’d hope that I can remember the times where he isn’t this way.
4. Cognitive decline is a major symptom of schizophrenia.
   Symptoms of schizophrenia have nothing to do with character or personality. I hope that I can be able to remember this more often.
5. There are psychotic and non-psychotic people.
   Dr. Demian Rose of the University of California-San Francisco says in the above Psych Central article that “the public and clinicians alike view psychosis as categorical — you’re either psychotic or you’re not — instead of symptoms residing on a continuum.” I don’t think my brother is psychotic, and not just because he’s my brother. He has conversations with us. He’s able to get up and generally have a plan: go the bathroom and get cigarettes. Of course, he needs improvement.
6. Schizophrenia develops quickly.
   Derek started experiencing signs of schizophrenia when he went to Job Corps. Our family still doesn’t know the full details of an event that changed him permanently. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia after the incident at Job Corps and stopped looking for work.
7. Schizophrenia is purely genetic.
   Stress and family environment can increase risk of psychosis. When my brother was a teenager, tension between him and his father caused a breakdown. I don’t know the full details of it, but I do believe it had a huge effect on him.
8. Schizophrenia is untreatable.
   My brother has appointments every month at the Mental Health and Mental Retardation Authority. He’s prescribed medication that may or may not work. Without these things, I don’t even want to imagine where he’d be mentally.
9. Sufferers need to be hospitalized.
   I’ve thought at times that Derek needed to be hospitalized. Recently he ran out of the house and started screaming. He would do better in a group home setting. In an institution where he was before? Not so much.
10. People with schizophrenia can’t lead productive lives.
    Derek is not doing as much as he could, but it’s not to say he does nothing. He’s had a friend since middle school with whom he hangs out and who appears to understand his issues. My brother doesn’t hear most of the time. I don’t think he purposely does this, it just happens. He’s not there.
11. Medications make sufferers zombies.
    Like I said before, without his medication, he’d probably be worse.
12. Antipsychotic medications are worse than the illness itself.
    Antipsychotic medications help reduce symptoms such as hallucinations, delusions and other behaviors. My brother is a chain smoker. He says he smokes to relieve stress but ironically that may be one of his biggest issues. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, smoking may make antipsychotic drugs less effective.
13. Individuals with schizophrenia can never regain normal functioning.
    Dr. Rose, quoted above, says “there’s no line that once it’s crossed signifies that there’s no hope for a person with schizophrenia.” I can’t say where my brother is going to be mentally in the future. The future is always unknown.

Derek is still with us. No matter what you want to say, he’s been through a lot. He got his GED after dropping out of school from his nervous breakdown. He was hospitalized from a shotgun wound after being mugged. He still went out at night.

In many ways, my brother is a lot stronger than I or many others mentally. I don’t know how his life is going to be years from now, whether he’ll become more self-sufficient, quit smoking, find himself. I don’t know. But I know I want to learn more about schizophrenia so I can understand my brother more and love him unconditionally, not just when the symptoms of his illness are dormant. I’d want my brother to know that those myths about his illness don’t have to always apply to him.

References

Tartakovsky, M. (2010). Illuminating 13 Myths of Schizophrenia. Retrieved October 18, 2015.

National Institute of Mental Health. (2009). What is Schizophrenia? Retrieved October 18, 2015.

Double exposure man image available from Shutterstock

Every couple has a stated or assumed contract that determines what is and is not okay when attracted to other people. Cheating is when one member of a couple unilaterally decides to break or change the contract they have with each other instead of talking about it with the partner. Once the break is discovered, the trust between the couple is badly damaged. The result is a constant undercurrent of suspicion, anxiety, insecurity and even fear. The behavior of both people gets twisted.

I’m using the pronoun “she” for the following description of the consequences of cheating to couple dynamics, but it is just as likely to be a “he.” Men and women are equally capable of taking either role.

The cheatee, the person hurt by the betrayal of trust, is likely to become self-protective. She becomes hyper-alert for any indication that trust has again been broken. She may insist on going over and over what happened in her efforts to understand it and to be sure it won’t happen again. She may start to check up on her partner by snooping on his cell phone or monitoring his emails. She may shut down and become less loving and less caring. She doesn’t like herself for how suspicious she has become. She may hate that she is playing detective. But she doesn’t want to be hurt again.

The cheater also is on edge. She may become hyper-reactive to confrontations and accusations. She may minimize the behavior or hide it or rationalize it as the other person’s fault. Lies tend to multiply. Rationalizations are paraded out as “reasons.” She feels that every encounter requires walking on eggshells, so she becomes less available to her partner. If she does acknowledge the guilt, she may not like herself very much for hurting the person she most loves. She may try hard but feel like she can never do enough to win back the comfort and trust that once existed between her and the person she loves. She may feel that her only course of action is to pack up her emotions and leave.

When someone cheats, that is, violates their couple contract, the couple can end up in a negative spiral that looks something like this:

Person A cheats.

Person B finds out and is terribly hurt, sad and angry.

Person A denies, defends and rationalizes or apologizes.

Person B doesn’t trust Person A’s response so starts snooping, second-guessing and grilling Person A.

Person A tries hard to make up for the cheat but hates being under a microscope.

Person B is too anxious to be forgiving.

Person A gives up trying.

Person B says “I knew it” and believes worst suspicions are confirmed.

Person A says “If you weren’t on my tail all the time,….”

And so it goes. (Which is nowhere.)

At this point, they may give up and separate, often with unresolved anger and grief; sometimes with relief. Hopefully, they each take the time to understand his or her piece of the problem and finds a way to recover from the disappointment. Hopefully they each eventually open themselves up to trusting and loving again.

If, however, the couple decides they do want to be together, they must engage in many frank, even painful, conversations about what caused the rift and how to heal it. If they find they can’t do it on their own, they often come to therapy to get out of the spiral.

The cycle of betrayal can be interrupted. The aftermath of betrayal actually can become an exercise in strengthening the relationship. The cycle of healing often goes something like this:

Person A cheats.

Person B is told or finds out, is terribly hurt, sad and angry but is open to talking about it.

Person A feels terrible, sincerely apologizes and takes responsibility for acting up instead of confronting problems in the relationship directly.

Person B listens, expresses hurt and anger but also looks at what (if any) part he or she played in the situation.

Person A listens to the hurt and anger (without justifying or denying) and reassures.

Person B works on forgiving and moving forward.

Person A works on being worthy of forgiveness and communicating more.

Person B works on reaffirming trustworthiness and communicating more

Both members of the couple reinvest in the relationship and are able to get past a painful event. They revisit their couple contract and decide whether to reestablish it as it was or change it in light of what they have discovered about themselves and each other.

Couples who commit to saving their relationship after an affair have work to do in order to recover from the disruption. They have learned a hard lesson about the consequences of breaking trust and the importance of better communication. Healing requires that they really, truly confront the issues that led them to such a dark, untrusting place. Both need to find a way to forgive and be open to each other again. It’s usually worth the effort. The outcome can be the creation of a deeper and stronger relationship than ever.

Related article: http://ift.tt/1RvFCQ8

Sad couple photo available from Shutterstock

If you’re prepping for a first date this Halloween, keep in mind the dating wisdom offered by these classic horror movies.

1. Dating Do: Behave yourself. It’s a general rule that good girls survive. Act accordingly.

2. Dating Don’t: Get drunk. Drunk characters end up playing the fools and victims in horror flicks. You don’t want to be either.

3. Dating Do: Date in public. Head to a restaurant, busy park, or popular hangout spot. Horror movies have taught us that isolated areas, abandoned buildings and hotels in the middle of nowhere — ‘The Shining’, anyone? — are homicidal hot spots.

4. Dating Don’t: Date an addict in the throws of their disease. From Patrick Bateman’s cocaine habit to Hellraiser’s need for fresh blood, addiction is a red flag in the movies and in real life. Addicts need help. Insist your date pursues sobriety before getting sucked into the scary world of addiction.

5. Dating Do: Mean what you say. Don’t tell Jason to “give me your best shot.” You don’t mean it.

6. Dating Don’t: Mistreat women. See: ‘Attack of the 50 Foot Woman’. Yikes.

7. Dating Do: Make first impressions count. Men, showing up for the date in a hockey mask does not prove you’re a dedicated athlete. She will run away — as she should. And, ladies, the obnoxious girl never makes it to the sequel.

8. Dating Don’t: Stay in a uncomfortable situation. If Vincent Price is the host of the dinner party, leave. Send a note of regret later. And if the house itself tells you to leave, do it. Do not pass go.

9. Dating Do: Avoid bleeding heart syndrome. Not every hitchhiker needs your help. Make choices that prioritize self-preservation over heroism.

10. Dating Don’t: Camp at Crystal Lake. Don’t camp there, don’t skinny-dip there, and don’t, under any circumstances, make out there. You will die. (Don’t dig up Jason’s body either.)

Images courtesy:

Halloween;  Trancas International Films

Friday the 13th; Warner Bros.

The post The Biggest Dating Dos and Don’ts from Our Favorite Horror Films appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Does tilting your noggin like a bobble-head doll make you more or less alluring?Robert Burriss talks to Danielle Sulikowski.

Check out the newest episode of The Psychology of Attractiveness podcast here.

1. So what exactly did the study find?

The International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC), which is part of the WHO, reviewed more than 800 studies that examined the link between meat and cancer. The research included people from around the world, of different races and those on different types of diets. The authors concluded that each three-ounce portion of red meat eaten daily increases the risk of colorectal cancer (and in some cases pancreatic and prostate) by 17 percent. For every 1.5-ounce portion of processed meat eaten daily, the risk of colorectal cancer increases by 18 percent. The IARC assigned red and processed meat to two of the five categories it uses to determine how likely certain things—from sunlight to alcohol to tobacco, for example—are to cause cancer.

Red meat (beef, veal, pork, lamb, goat) was placed in the category “probably carcinogenic to humans” and processed meat (bacon, sausage, hot dogs) placed in the “carcinogenic to humans” group. You may have heard that processed meat is in the same group as tobacco use, but that doesn’t mean eating a hamburger raises your cancer risk as much as smoking cigarettes does. The IARC bases its classifications on the strength of scientific evidence that something may cause cancer, not on the actual level of risk.

2. So if I eat meat will I get cancer?

Experts say you don’t have to break up with your morning bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich just yet. The IARC didn’t suggest how much meat is safe to eat, but health experts say it’s all about moderation. “I think it’s very important that we don’t terrorize people into thinking they should not eat any red meat at all,” John Ioannidis, MD, chairman of disease prevention at Stanford University told The New York Times. Dariush Mozzafarian, MD, dean of the School of Nutrition Science and Policy at Tufts University told NPR that while there’s not enough evidence to give specific amounts of meat that are safe to eat, his general recommendations are “no more than one to two servings per month of processed meats, and no more than one to two servings per week of unprocessed meat.”

3. Are certain kinds of meat safer than other kinds?

Lean cuts of meat are always your best option, whether you’re eating chicken or beef. Fattier portions of the animal have more saturated fat and cholesterol, which have been linked to heart disease, diabetes, and premature death. When buying ground meat, look for the fat percentage on the label. If you’re craving a steak, look for cuts with the least amount of marbling (visible fat) and choose ones that are graded “choice” or “select,” which are leaner than “prime.” Minimizing the amount of processed meats like bacon or sausage, which are often high in saturated fat and sodium, is also a smart diet move for your overall health and your waistline.

4. Does it matter how I cook my meat?

As a matter of fact, it does. Studies show that cooking meat at high temperatures that create charring can lead to the formation of carcinogenic chemicals, which can cause changes in DNA that may lead to cancer. A University of Minnesota study found that regularly consuming well-done or charred meat may increase your pancreatic cancer risk by up to 60 percent. If you’re grilling, avoid direct contact between meat and flame and flip frequently. Try a marinade; the American Institute for Cancer Research says that marinating for at least 30 minutes can reduce the formation of carcinogenic chemicals.

5. Is it easier (and safer) for me to just go vegetarian?

Not necessarily. Meat is a good source of protein, vitamins, and minerals your body needs for everything from brain to muscle to immune function. By eliminating meat entirely, you may be missing out on key nutrients that can affect your health if you don’t find other ways to get them.

The post Does Eating Meat Really Cause Cancer? 5 Answers Every Steak Lover Needs appeared first on Reader's Digest.

When trials and tribulations inevitably occur, we tend to want to fight them. According to our society and our customs, fighting tooth and nail against adversity is the brave or courageous thing to do. However, while fight and grit certainly have their place, even with anxiety, sometimes surrendering is best. It can take just as much bravery as fighting.

This truth has been hammered home to me lately as I’ve watched my mom dying of cancer. She was recently put on hospice for end of life care and pain management. Still, some in her support network continue to tell her things like “never stop fighting” or “you never know what might happen.”

I understand the tendency to say those things, to feel those things — cancer is tough. Everyone is just doing their best in a bad situation. However, I can see the guilt on my mom’s face whenever she hears those words. It makes her feel as if she should be doing more. Fighting actually looks more like denial. Fighting blinds my mom and others to the truth that she is, in fact, dying and prevents her from tying up loose ends or saying goodbye. In this case, surrendering is incredibly brave. Being willing to look straight at the raw, painful truth is no easy feat, but doing so would allow my mom to move forward and find peace.

In a perhaps (perhaps not) less gloomy way, the same is true of fighting versus surrendering to anxiety. I used to think fighting anxiety was the brave way to go about dealing with it. But maybe continuing to go to the gym every morning for my daily exercise-induced panic attack, or continuing to hide my struggle from everyone because I was afraid of appearing weak, was more stubborn than brave. Fighting panic attacks and endless “what if…” thoughts were really just a form of denial.

Surrendering to anxiety takes courage. It can be a painful truth. But surrendering often is necessary in order to move past anxiety. Surrendering simply acknowledges the reality of a situation. Once we do that, we’re able to move forward. It’s hard to admit that anxiety is affecting or limiting your life, but once you do, it makes it easier to move toward the life you want.

Sometimes fight and grit are helpful. (You’ll know when because it will feel empowering, not bad or shameful.) Sometimes, especially when it comes to anxiety, surrendering is invaluable. Surrender doesn’t necessarily make anxiety go away in that moment, but it brings a sense of peace and clarity so that you can transcend the anxiety, whereas fighting the anxiety keeps you feeling stuck.

If you are struggling with anxiety, you don’t need to fight it tooth and nail anymore. You’re still brave if you give up the fight. Instead, surrender to the fact that you are struggling with anxiety so that you can finally begin to move forward.

Man raising arms photo available from Shutterstock

Silence is golden, especially if you’re about to stick your foot in your mouth. Keep those Keds firmly on the ground where they belong by avoiding these cringe-worthy observations to friends in need.

“You’re depressed? Cheer up”
Telling an unhappy person to cheer up can have the unintended effect of making them even more miserable. After all, if they could get out of their funk, they would have, says Adam Kaplin, MD, an associate professor of psychiatry and neurology at Johns Hopkins University. Instead, he told the Huffington Post, make sure they know you’re there for them. “Just listening to what that person is going through and saying something like, ‘Wow, that must be hard,’ gives them validation.”

“You got laid off? Cool! Are you enjoying your time off?”
Chances are, rather than jetting off to Cancun or catching up with their Walking Dead episodes, your friend is fretting over mounting bills, how to find that next job, and grappling with humiliation. If you’re still dead set on saying something, make sure it’s also not, “Everything happens for a reasons.” Only deliver this loaded cliché after your friend has landed a new job. So what should you say to your unemployed friend? How about, “Let’s go get a drink, or some dinner.” Anything to make ’em forget they’re jobless for even a little bit, suggests TheWeek.com.

“Your dog died? Get another one!”
Any dog owner will tell you, dogs aren’t so easily replaceable. They’re little sentient beings, each with their own unique way of worming themselves into our hearts. As Carol Bryant writes on pet360.com, “A life is irreplaceable, no matter the form it takes.”

“You’re in a wheel chair… here, let me help.”
This is a tricky one, because everyone can use a helping hand once in awhile. But the handicapped have lost a lot of independence, says wheelchair-bound Rachelle Friedman on a blog on  themobilityresource.com. True, there are many things she can’t do, but there are many things she can. “So if I’m at the store and you see me bending down to pick up my cell phone, just give me a chance to get it,” she says. “I promise that people in my situation have gotten used to asking for help, so we won’t hesitate to ask if we truly need it.”

“Why are you on a diet? You don’t look that big.”
Compliments are always welcome, unless it comes off as pandering. If someone feels they need to lose weight, chances are they do. As one bitter dieter told Huffpost, “I don’t look that big? Hello, I’m 100 pounds over weight. Stop your lying to me.”
 

The post 5 ‘Helpful’ Comments You Should Probably Erase From Your Vocabulary appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Connecting with nature just feels good. Nothing matches the feeling of serenity experienced when taking a quiet walk in the woods, listening to water flow over rocks in a stream, or taking in the enormity of a beautiful panoramic natural view. Obviously, in the moment, such tranquil settings do wonders for us. But does connecting with nature have longer-term effects by carrying over into other aspects of our lives after this exposure to nature? And how would this happen? Does nature affect our mood or our motivation to act prosocially? 

It’s hard to conduct empirical work that addresses these questions directly, but a team of researchers recently created a series of three clever laboratory experiments mimicking real world dilemmas to provide help determine whether connecting with nature affects our future behavior.

Whether we like it or not, we are imperfect and our partners are too. It can be difficult to grasp that acceptance is the first step to personal growth, change, and self-improvement. We can easily get caught up in the notion of perfection, and feel miserable with ourselves when we cannot achieve it.

By accepting our flaws and understanding that perfection is an unattainable goal, we can move forward in becoming healthier, happier individuals. When we quit shaming ourselves and being critical of what’s wrong, we are less paralyzed by our fears, doubts, and struggles, and more able to develop our strengths, reach for our goals ,and see the positive in ourselves.

Flawed and unrealistic thinking also occurs when we believe that we must find the perfect partner —  not just a partner who is perfect for us, but a partner who is perfect. Period.

With this belief system, you will find yourself searching forever for this perfect person, making all of your dates and partners into projects. Or you might find yourself in and out of unsatisfying, short-lived relationships.

The goal of dating is to find a partner who is right for you – not someone who you need to “fix” or change to make him or her into an acceptable mate.  Just as you won’t be happy if you define yourself by your flaws, your relationship will lack happiness and health if you view your partner as a project.

Relationships cannot be healthy if they are filled with shame, judgment, disapproval, anger, control, and hidden agendas. Acceptance, coupled with love, leads to relationship satisfaction.

Here are five signs that you are looking for perfection in a partner or making your dates or partners into projects:

1. You are chronically single because you find something wrong with everyone you meet, and you have unrealistic standards. You miss out on opportunities to date someone great because what you are seeking is impossible to find.

2. During and after time with a romantic interest, you find yourself thinking more about what you would like to change about this person and how you can mold him or her into someone more desirable than thinking about the possibility of a wonderful, happy future together. It is not a good sign if you notice yourself paying attention to your date’s perceived flaws and getting caught up in how you can help him or her repair, change, or fix attributes or behaviors early on.

3. You pick partners who are not matches due to your belief that you can change this person into your ideal partner. These relationships can only last so long before you are left feeling angry, disappointed, and heartbroken when your partner does not change. This behavior pattern is hugely distorted because of two basic principles:

– Change is internal. We cannot change people unless they want to change. We can only change ourselves.
– We are in control of ourselves and our own behavior. We do not have control over others.

4. You break up with partners too soon. You might believe that you have to like everything about your partner, and as his or her inevitable flaws and insecurities emerge, you run away and continue your search for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect. This creates a vicious cycle of quick relationships with many partners because you are unable to appreciate the uniqueness of others.

5. You put conditions on the relationship or make statements such as, “If you love me, you would… (name of behavior, personality trait or quality you would like to change).” Your relationship has no space to grow because you do not value, appreciate, and accept your partner. This creates an unhealthy power dynamic, breeding major resentment and disconnection rather than growing together.

Above are just a few signs that it is time to adjust your expectations and let go of perfectionist tendencies that block love. You have the power to notice any urges you have to change your partner — and then choose acceptance. You can resist your desire to mold him or her into someone new or different. You can choose to love your partner as an imperfect human being and shower him or her with gratitude, support, and reassurance.

On a final note…

As you search for a partner, toss out the word perfect and replace it with “right for me.”  You aren’t supposed to like every little thing about your partner. Even the happiest of couples who truly love each other don’t adore every quality or behavior in their partner and in an ideal world would make some changes. The key here is that they don’t focus on the negatives — they focus on building the positive and love while accepting that they can’t change the rest.

So, don’t fall in love with the illusion of who someone could be or might become. Fall in love with who they are in the present moment.

About the Author:

Rachel Dack is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC), Nationally Certified Counselor and relationship coach, specializing in psychotherapy for individuals and couples via her private practice in Bethesda, Maryland. Rachel’s areas of expertise include relationships, self-esteem, dating, mindfulness, anxiety, depression and stress management. Rachel is a co-author to Sexy Secrets to a Juicy Love Life, an International Bestseller, written to support single women in decreasing frustration about single-hood, leaving the past behind, cultivating self-love and forming and maintaining loving relationships. Rachel also serves as a Relationship Expert for http://ift.tt/1vj3HQb and other dating and relationship advice websites. Follow her on Twitter for more daily wisdom!

The post 5 Signs You Are Trying to Change Your Partner appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

When Georgie Met Martha
In 1758 Martha Dandridge Curtis was 27 and recently widowed, and a very wealthy woman. That year George Washington, also 27 and already a colonel in the Virginia militia (and not at all wealthy) met Martha via the Virginia high-society social scene and proceeded to court her. Courtship was quick, and they were married in January 1759, in what at the time was viewed as a marriage of convenience. They were, however, happily married for 41 years. (Note: The marriage took place at the plantation that Martha owned, in what was called the “White House.”)

When Johnny Met Louisa
Louisa Catherine Johnson, who was born in London, met John Quincy Adams at her home in Nantes, France, in 1779. She was 4; he was 12. Adams was traveling with his father, John Adams, who was on a diplomatic mission in Europe. The two met again in 1795 in London, when John was a minister to the Netherlands. He courted her, all the while telling her she’d have to improve herself if she was going to live up to his family’s standards (his father was vice president at the time). She married him anyway, in 1797, and his family made it no secret that they disapproved of the “foreigner” in their family. Nevertheless, they were married until John Quincy Adams’s death in 1848. Louisa remains the only foreign-born First Lady in U.S. history.

When Jimmy Met Ann

In the summer of 1819, James Buchanan, 28, became engaged to Ann Coleman, 23, the daughter of a wealthy iron magnate in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. He spent very little time with her during the first months of the engagement, being extremely busy at his law office, and rumors swirled that he was seeing other women and was only marrying her for her money. The rumors are believed to be untrue, but Ann took them to heart, and in November, after several distraught weeks, she wrote to him that the engagement was off. On December 9 she died of an overdose of laudanum, possibly in a suicide. Buchanan was devastated, and even more so when her family refused to allow him to see Ann’s body or attend her funeral. He disappeared for some time but eventually returned to his work in Lancaster. After Ann’s death, Buchanan vowed that he would never marry. He didn’t… and remains the only bachelor president in American history.

When Gracie Met Calvin
One day in 1903, Grace Anna Goodhue was watering flowers outside the Clarke School for the Deaf in Northampton, Massachusetts, where she taught. At some point, she looked up and saw a man through the open window of a boardinghouse across the street. He was shaving, his face covered with lather, and dressed in his long johns. He was also wearing a hat. Grace burst out laughing, and the man turned to look at her. That was the first meeting of Grace and Calvin Coolidge. They were married two years later.

When Harry Met Bessie
In 1890, when they were both small children, Harry Truman met Bess Wallace at the Baptist Church in Independence, Missouri. They were both attending Sunday school. He was six; she was five. Truman later wrote of their first meeting: “We made a number of new acquaintances, and I became interested in one in particular. She had golden curls and has, to this day, the most beautiful blue eyes. We went to Sunday school, public school from the fifth grade through high school, graduated in the same class, and marched down life’s road together. For me she still has the blue eyes and golden hair of yesteryear.” Bess and Harry were married in 1919.

When Lyndie Met Lady Bird
Lyndon Baines Johnson met Claudia “Lady Bird” Taylor in 1934, a few weeks after she’d graduated from the University of Texas. Johnson was a 26-year-old aide to Texas congressman Richard Kleberg, and was in Austin, Texas, on business. They went on a single breakfast date, at the end of which Johnson proposed marriage. She said she’d think about it. He returned to Washington, and sent her letters and telegrams every day until he returned to Austin 10 weeks later, when she accepted. “Sometimes,” she later wrote about her husband, “Lyndon simply takes your breath away.”

When Richie Met Pattie
Thelma “Pat” Ryan graduated from the University of Southern California in 1937 at the age of 25. She got a job as a high school teacher in Whittier, a small town not far from Los Angeles, and became a member of the amateur theatrical group the Whittier Community Players. In 1938 Richard Nixon, a 26-year-old lawyer who had just opened a firm in nearby La Habra, joined the theater group, thinking that acquiring acting skills would help him in the courtroom. In their first performance, Nixon was cast opposite Ryan. He asked her out, and asked her to marry him on their first date. They were married three years later.

When Ronnie Met Nancy
Ronald Reagan wrote in his autobiography that he first met Nancy Davis when she came to him for help. He was president of the Screen Actors Guild, and she couldn’t get a job acting in movies because another Nancy Davis’s name had shown up on the Hollywood blacklist of alleged communists. But according to Jon Weiner’s book Professors, Politics, and Pop, SAG records show that Nancy’s blacklist problem occurred in 1953, a year after the Reagans were married. So how did they meet? Reagan biographer Anne Edwards says that in 1949 Nancy, who had just become an MGM contract player, told a friend of Reagan’s that she wanted to meet him. The friend invited the two to a small dinner party, and the rest is history.

When Georgie Met Laura
Joe and Jan O’Neill lived in Midland, Texas, and were childhood friends of Laura Welch. In 1975 another childhood friend, George W. Bush, came back to Midland after being away for a few years. The O’Neills bugged Laura to go out with George, but she didn’t want to. She later said that the O’Neills were only trying to get them together “because we were the only two people from that era in Midland who were still single.” She finally agreed to meet him at a backyard barbecue in 1977, when she was 30 and he was 31. George was smitten; Laura was, too. They were married three months later.

When Barry Met Michelle
In 1989 Michelle Robinson was working at a Chicago law firm when she was assigned to mentor a summer associate from Harvard with a “strange name”: Barack Obama. Not long after, Barack, 27, asked Michelle, 25, on a date. She later admitted that she was reluctant to date one of the few black men at the large firm because it seemed “tacky.” Robinson finally relented, and after dating for several months, she suggested they get married. He wasn’t interested. One night in 1991, during dinner at a Chicago restaurant, she brought it up again. Again, he said no. But when dessert showed up, there was an engagement ring in a box on one of the plates. They were married in 1992.

Looking for more amazing facts and good laughs? Check out the latest Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader® titles at bathroomreader.com.

The post How Presidents Met Their First Ladies: 10 True Love Stories to Make You Say ‘Awww’ appeared first on Reader's Digest.

1. Forty is the only number in English whose letters appear in alphabetical order.

2. Minus 40 degrees, or “40 below,” is the only temperature that is the same in both Fahrenheit and Celsius.

3. When the bubonic plague gripped Europe during the Middle Ages, ships would be isolated in harbor for 40 days before passengers could go ashore. The Italian word for 40 is quaranta—hence quarantine.

4. There are 40 spaces on a standard Monopoly board. Proving that life is a gamble, the game gives players equal odds (one in 40) of going  directly to jail or winning the Free Parking lottery.

5. Forty is the maximum number of players a Major League Baseball team can sign to its roster at once.

6. Forget “nine months”; a typical pregnancy actually lasts 40 weeks.

7. It took chemists 40 attempts to develop the magical spray we know as … wait for it … WD-40 (full name: Water Displacement, 40th formula).

8. In literature, 40 is the number of thieves Ali Baba clashes with in Arabian Nights.

9. Also, 40 is the number of winks Dr. William Kitchiner suggests taking for a perfect nap.

10. In religion, 40 seems to be shorthand for “a long time.” Jesus spent 40 days fasting in the wilderness being tempted by the devil; the great flood lasted 40 days and 40 nights; the Jewish people wandered the desert for 40 years.

11. And if you need more evidence that 40 sounds like a lot, please see the standard American workweek: 40 hours.

Sources: todayifoundout.com, npr.org, dicegames.org, mlbdailydish.com, babycenter.com, wd40.com, britannica.com, gutenberg.net, and dol.gov

The post This Is 40: Bizarre Factoids About the Number 40 You Never Knew appeared first on Reader's Digest.

A man sits on the sidewalk a few blocks from my office. He holds no sign; he asks for no money or food. He just offers a steady stream of greetings to passersby.

One evening, the man breaks his good-natured facade. “Don’t ignore me like I don’t exist,” he shouts at the humanity hurrying past him. “You can say hello!” The next day, a woman in a blue Ann Taylor dress sits beside him, a cup of coffee in her hand, another in his. They are talking. Simple as that. I think, This woman—maybe a woman who works nearby—heard this man.

I also think about a single mom mentioned in this month’s “If You Find This Letter …”. Depressed and down on her luck, the young mom could have used some cheering up, and Hannah Brencher posted the woman’s story on her website, MoreLoveLetters.com. When boxes and boxes of letters written by strangers arrived, Hannah tells us, she realized this: “If you give people something to do—a mission—they will show up.”

The world is filled with people like that. So are the pages of Reader’s Digest.

When a man recently released from the hospital dialed 911 because he couldn’t leave his apartment to shop for food, operator Marilyn Hinson showed up.

When a young boy was faced with losing his mother to cancer, oncology nurse Karen Mott showed up.

When the family of a fallen military hero needed help with the funeral, the Patriot Guard Riders showed up.

And when a man sitting on a sidewalk wanted to be treated with human decency, the woman in the Ann Taylor dress pulled up a piece of cardboard and had a seat. She showed up.

I invite you to e-mail me at liz@rd.com and follow me at http://ift.tt/1RzMLPu and lizvaccariello on Instagram.

The post Editor’s Note: Look Who Showed Up appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Psychoanalysis, otherwise known as “talk therapy,” is more useful than we may think. Due to the stigma surrounding mental illness, most individuals struggling with family, financial or personal stressors do not seek the help that they need. Most also believe that therapy is a last resort, used by people who are seriously struggling with major depression, obsessive-compulsive or bipolar disorders, which are considered to be more serious than minor life events.

But seemingly minor life events may have serious effects on our cognitive functioning, our memories, and our general well-being. For example, someone experiencing stress due to his school workload may feel overwhelmed and unable to balance classes, assignments, exams and extracurricular activities. Without an outlet, this may lead to serious health issues, including insomnia, ulcers, panic attacks, overwhelming levels of anxiety, strokes, heart attacks and depression (Sapolsky, 2004).

Daniele Trevisani identified six types of stress:

• Bio-energetic
• Psycho-energetic
• Micro-skills
• Macro-skills
• Lack-of-planning
• Values

Each type of stress has different causes and effects, and each is easy to manage when approached appropriately. For instance, using day planners, journals and calendars can ease lack-of-planning stress. Becoming more organized will remove the stress caused by putting things off to the last minute.

Therapy can significantly relieve stress and help you avoid more serious mental illnesses. This is particularly true of psycho-energetic stress (which encapsulates the other five), caused by emotional issues, mental rumination, feelings of loneliness, a lack of social acceptance, and forced social relationships (Trevisani, 2009). These are serious issues that may be difficult to face alone.

Consider an individual who has recently changed careers and feels anxiety when he or she is forced into social events at work. He or she may find it difficult to make friends and be ignored and left alone, engendering a sense of loneliness. Anxiety sets in every day before work because of what he or she is anticipating. This can cause serious stress both at work and at home, where he or she may continue to worry about his or her feelings of loneliness, inability to form new relationships, and inability to bond effectively. The best course of action, if the individual does not know what to do, would be to talk to a professional.

Speaking to a therapist can help relieve stress and the feeling of being alone. Therapists are trained to understand concerns, fears, and anxieties. Therapy which seeks to understand the client’s feelings instead of allowing him or her to vent about their feelings gets to the root of the problem and attempts to find ways to deal with it.

A client-centered approach (Rogers, 1951) allows the client to come to conclusions on his or her own with guidance from the therapist. The client usually knows what the underlying issue is. Offering a nonjudgmental space where the client is able to explore his inner psyche allows him to deal with these issues on his own. This increases feelings of self-worth, self-efficacy, and confidence. Dealing with the underlying issue allows for the client to alleviate stress and keep the same issue from recurring.

Therapy is important, and understanding where the issues are coming from not only enlightens the individual but better equips them to deal with stress. There may be underlying issues relating to future stress, and therapy helps them to be better equipped to handle it.

References

Rogers, C. (1951). Client-centered Therapy: Its Current Practice, Implications and Theory. London: Constable.

Sapolsky, R. (2004). Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers. New York: St. Martins Press.

Trevisani, D. (2009). Human Potential Methods and Techniques for Coaching, Training, and Performance Development. Milan: Franco Angeli.

Therapy session photo available from Shutterstock

Theodore Roosevelt
Term: 1901–1909
Unlikely Legacy: 
Artisanal Coffee Shops

Teddy Roosevelt was a famous coffee fiend, known to tromp about the White House swigging from a mug “more in nature of a bathtub,” 
according to his son. Consummate leader that he was, Teddy instilled those pro-java values in his family, and in 1919, his daughter and her husband, his three sons, and a cousin opened a cozy chain of New York 
coffee shops called the Roosevelts’ Brazilian Coffee House—later renamed the Double R Coffee House—with four locations in New York City.

Those relaxed cafés were designed as an antidote to the cramped, get-in-get-out roasters that catered primarily to new immigrants in Manhattan. 
According to Roosevelt’s son Philip, the Double R intended to “provide a place for people to talk, write letters, eat sandwiches and cake, and above all, drink real coffee.” Imported beans were roasted on-site and prepared at a counter in the middle of the store, providing the template for what would become an American business staple decades later. Naturally, 
Teddy’s grinning portrait hung from the flagship store’s wall—a mark of approval from one of the White House’s biggest coffee-snobs-in-chief.

Thomas Jefferson
Term: 1801–1809
Unlikely Legacy: Paleontology

A true Renaissance nerd, Jefferson pursued scholarly interests both 
famous (authoring the Declaration 
of Independence) and overlooked (rebuilding the burned-down Library of Congress with more than 6,400 books from his own collection). But his oddest hobby? Bone collecting.

In the early 1800s, paleontology was as rough around the edges as America was. Jefferson, for one, believed it 
impossible that any species could go extinct. So in 1804, he funded the Lewis and Clark expedition in partial hopes that they would track down a herd of live woolly mammoths alleged to roam the Mississippi River Valley.

The mammoths weren’t there, but their bones were. This was incentive enough for Jefferson to finance Clark on an 1807 follow-up mission to Kentucky with the express purpose of collecting fossils. The trip turned up more than 300 bone samples, which Jefferson gleefully spread out across several rooms of the White House for study. Rarities, like the mammoth skull, he kept for America; duplicates, he mailed to France.

Ultimately, Jefferson’s nerdy 
hobby helped legitimize paleontology in America, even as it led critics to call the president Mr. Mammoth. He gifted at least 50 mastodon bones to the American Philosophical 
Society and was key in identifying a giant, extinct sloth never before 
seen in America. It was later named 
Megalonyx Jeffersonii.

Franklin D. Roosevelt
Term: 1933–1945
Unlikely Legacy:  
A New Type of Mystery

One day in 1935, FDR met with a friend to discuss a matter of national import: the declining quality of 
mystery novels.

“Hundreds are published every year, but even in the good ones, there is a sameness,” Roosevelt told his lunch companion, Liberty magazine editor Fulton Oursler. “Someone finds the corpse, and then the detective tracks down the murderer.” Oursler asked Roosevelt if he had any better ideas. Turns out, he did.

FDR wondered, How could a well-known businessman disappear with $5 million of his own money and never be traced? Though Oursler wrote his own mysteries under the name Anthony Abbott, he didn’t have an answer for FDR—but he knew who might. Soliciting chapters from six of the day’s top mystery writers and contributing one of his own, Oursler expanded Roosevelt’s idea into a serial mystery published over six issues of Liberty and later as the book The President’s Mystery Story. Within a year, Hollywood adapted 
it as The President’s Mystery, billing it as “Franklin D. Roosevelt’s tale of suspense.” As if his legacy needs any more burnishing, FDR remains the only prez to earn a film-writing credit while in office.

Abraham Lincoln
Term: 1861–1865
Unlikely Legacy:  
Dogs Named Fido

Abraham Lincoln literally refused 
to harm a bug; as a young boy in 
Kentucky, he once scolded his playmates: “An ant’s life was to it as sweet as ours to us.” Abe loved dozens of animals throughout his life, bringing to the White House a veritable petting zoo of rabbits, goats, ponies, and a trio of orphaned kittens rescued from a Union army camp—but he may have adored his yellow mutt, Fido, most.

Fido entered the Lincolns’ Springfield, Illinois, household in 1855 and quickly became a family fixture. 
Locals saw the canine in the street learning mock circus tricks from 
Lincoln’s sons, sauntering alongside Abe on market trips, and, to Mary Todd’s horror, greeting houseguests with muddy paw shakes.

Sadly, Fido was too big and skittish to join the Lincolns in the White House in 1861, but he joined his new owners at the Springfield train station for Abe’s farewell speech. When 
Lincoln’s casket returned home in May 1865, Fido was there to greet it. 
Funeral coverage turned Fido “the Lincoln Dog” into the most famous mutt in America, his name suddenly synonymous with the family pooch. 
A century and a half later, it still is.

Ronald Reagan
Term: 1981–1989
Unlikely Legacy:  
Jelly Beans … In Space

When Ronald Reagan wanted to 
give up pipe smoking in the 1960s, he decided to replace one vice with 
another. He went with jelly beans.

News of Reagan’s candy crush reached the Herman Goelitz Candy Company, which began sending free shipments of Goelitz-brand beans directly to the governor’s office. 
Reagan was in heaven.

After the Goelitz company debuted its Jelly Belly brand in 1976, Reagan became such a fan that he ordered three and a half tons of red, white, and blue beans for his 1980 inauguration party. For the rest of Reagan’s term, Jelly Belly was a White House staple. The president offered custom jelly bean jars to visiting dignitaries, made sure all his haunts on Capitol Hill were well stocked, and even installed a custom bean holder on Air Force One. Thanks to Reagan’s free publicity, Jelly Belly had a backlog of orders for more than a year, and it wasn’t long before business literally rocketed through the stratosphere. In 1983, astronauts aboard the space shuttle Challenger opened a package from the president. The contents? What else but Jelly Belly.

The post How Teddy Roosevelt Invented Starbucks, and 4 More Surprising Legacies From U.S. Presidents appeared first on Reader's Digest.

While the Disney animated film “Frozen” is most famous for its lovable characters and award-winning song “Let it Go”, this kids’ movie can teach us a thing or two about attachment styles in close relationships and the important interplay between partners’ preferences for intimacy versus independence. In “Frozen,” the relationship difficulties that occur when these preferences clash are most evident between the two protagonists, sisters Elsa and Anna.

Anxious Anna and Avoidant Elsa: Attachment in “Frozen”

Attachment style describes the degree to which we perceive our relationships (usually romantic partnerships) as being secure, capable of meeting our needs, and a source of comfort in times of distress. People who are securely attached are comfortable depending on others as well as having others depend on them. Some people, however, have negative expectations in relationships, leading to insecure attachment styles. For example, individuals with an anxious attachment style fear rejection and abandonment, yet their cravings for closeness may inadvertently drive others away. In “Frozen”, Anna is anxiously attached. Her parents’ death and her sister’s abandonment leave her alone and desperate for love – so desperate, in fact, that she almost married a man she just met (Prince Hans). Whenever Elsa seeks distance in the movie, Anna continues to pursue her and ends up getting hurt in the process. Anxiously attached people may engage in behavior like this because they over-rely on their attachment figures for reassurance. 

If you’re dateless for this year’s neighborhood Halloween bash, bring your best costume idea to life, prime your sweet tooth, and get ready to mingle. Dressing in wacky attire might even give you that boost of courage to try one of the ghoulish day’s cheesiest pickup lines.

Pickup lines for the Halloween party:

1. I’m trying to work up the nerve to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots.

2. That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts.

3. To the cute zombie: You look dead sexy. Mostly dead, but still sexy.

4. Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.

5. You should try my famous candy-corn chowder. Wanna come over for dinner next Friday?

6. To a pirate: That’s quite a booty you’ve got there.

7. It’s almost midnight. I can’t wait to see what you turn into.

8. If you’re a vampire: I want to suck your blood. But I won’t. Edward and Bella made it work. Sorta.

9. To the girl not wearing a costume: Lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.

10. It’s a good thing we’re not in a horror movie. The pretty girl always goes first.

The post Pickup Lines for the Halloween Party appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us! ~ Traditional prayer

Here comes Halloween. If you’re a parent, chances are your kids are planning their costumes and looking forward to trick-or-treating. If you live in a neighborhood populated by dozens of kids, chances are you’ve already bought five pounds of candy for the kids who will come to your door.

But as your family gets ready to celebrate the holiday, please consider the possible negative impact on your children. Not all kids have the temperaments or preparation to deal with the images and activities that teens and some adults think is just part of the fun of Halloween night.

Be aware that your friendly neighborhood may not look so friendly to a child who hasn’t been out and about after dark — especially if porches are festooned with mummies and skeletons. Kids who have been taught not to talk to (or take candy from) strangers may be confused by your encouragement to knock on strangers’ doors for treats. Gruesome lawn displays and teens in bloody costumes marauding the night during trick-or-treat hours may be terrifying to young children. A masked adult jumping out at a child can transform a holiday into the stuff of nightmares for years.

On the plus side, some researchers have suggested that dressing up like vampires and having a party with some spooky games may be empowering for kids. The world may not really be home to witches and goblins, but it can be a scary place at times. Pretend games about things that go bump in the night may help them to confront their fears of monsters under the bed and ghosts in dark places. Discovering that a witch is a friend in costume or being startled by someone they know jumping from behind a bush may give them practice for dealing with scary things. Watching the annual TV special about Linus and the Great Pumpkin may encourage kids to have faith in something they believe in even when others don’t understand.

What a parent can do to keep the fun in Halloween:

• Consider your own child’s unique personality.
  Children have unique personalities from the time they are born. Some kids seem to be thrillseekers from an early age. Others are more easily frightened. Resist any peer pressure to push your child not to be a “fraidy cat.” Take your child’s personality into account when planning Halloween decorations or choosing Halloween events.
• Help your child know what to expect.
  When kids know what to expect, they are less likely to be afraid. In the days prior to Halloween, talk about the holiday and what they are likely to see and experience. There are many children’s books that can be helpful. Check your local library and bookstore for age-appropriate stories. When my kids were in preschool, they particularly enjoyed “There’s a Monster at the End of This Book” that features Sesame Street’s Grover. Older children might like “The Night Before Halloween” by Natasha Wing.

  Sharing stories leads naturally to conversation. Being reassured that you will be there for them if they can’t handle something will allow your kids to stretch their ability to manage feeling anxious.

• Be sensitive to your child’s recent experiences.
  Children who have had some direct experience with frightening events may be upset by scary movies or pretend play that involves injury or death. This is especially true of children who have recently been victimized, who have been injured (or seen someone else injured) or who have recently had to deal with the death of a person or pet they loved. Consider whether this is a year that they need to be helped to sit out the holiday. Shut off the porch light to discourage trick-or-treaters and rent a movie about something unrelated to Halloween.
• Talk about what’s real and what’s pretend.
  The difference between what’s real and what’s pretend isn’t obvious to young children. This discussion is especially important if you are aware of displays that are inappropriate for kids to see but can’t be avoided. You may not be able to influence what your neighbors choose to put on their lawn, but you can reduce the negative impact by talking to your kids about how the display is made and discussing why you think it’s objectionable.
• Be smart about trick or treating.
  Plan where your children will be going and think hard about how to keep them safe. In my small-town neighborhood, groups of children go out with an adult who waits at the curb while the kids knock on doors. This gives the kids a sense of independence but keeps an adult’s eyes on the situation. Friends who live in a huge condo tell me that the condo association has a rule that kids must go out in groups of three or more and can only go to units where the light is on. Other friends in a big city confine trick-or-treating to going to the homes of five friends. Families in each of these communities have assessed the risks and found a way to preserve the fun.

A little stress is a good thing in children’s lives. Finding they can manage their fears and handle difficult sights and situations is part of growing up. But throwing them into circumstances they aren’t prepared for and don’t have the skills to manage doesn’t help them develop courage and strength. As one of my teachers used to say, “You don’t help a plant grow by putting it in a dark closet and scaring it. It grows by being tended and protected.” Our children also need careful tending.

Mummy hand photo available from Shutterstock

Q: Why do baseball managers, unlike coaches of other professional sports teams, wear uniforms?

A: This goes back to the early days of baseball, when managers were often also players and had to wear uniforms to play. That was not the case for early basketball coaches, or for most early hockey and football coaches. Although player-managers had become scarce by the mid-1900s (Pete Rose of the 1986 Reds was the last), the tradition of wearing the uniform remained. Only two managers, Connie Mack of the Philadelphia Athletics from 1901 to 1950, and Burt Shotton of the Brooklyn Dodgers in the late 1940s, have ever gone against the tradition by wearing suits during the games. The official rules say that “coaches” must wear uniforms. But although they are the equivalent of coaches in other sports, baseball managers are managers, and, therefore, not held to the rule.

Q: Why do baseball games begin at five minutes after the hour or half-hour, at times like 1:05 or 7:35, instead of exactly on the hour?

A: It’s believed to have begun when radio stations started broadcasting games. Radios shows were already timed to start and end on the hour or half hour, so having the games start at five minutes after gave stations time for ads, for the announcers to talk about the game to be played, and since, 1941, for the national anthem to be played. But not all games start at five after. Toronto starts games at seven minutes after, and other teams start games at 10 minutes or even 15 after, and afternoon games often start at five minutes before the hour. In 2006, the Chicago White Sox signed a three-year, half-million-dollar deal to change the times of their 7:05 games to… 7:11. (Guess who they made the deal with?).

Q: Why do baseball players pound home plate with their bats?

A: It’s not as silly a question as you might first think. Many players do it for a specific reason: to gauge their position to the plate, so they will stand in their exactly “right” spot. (The rest of them probably just do it to look tough).

Q: Why aren’t there women in Major League Baseball?

A: Probably because a woman good enough to make a big-league team hasn’t tried yet. Currently there is no rule that says women can’t play, although it’s fair to say that the “men-only” tradition of the game would die hard, baseball is a business, and the first team to have a successful female player would undoubtedly be rewarded financially. So maybe there’s one coming soon. There have been female players in minor leagues. The first, and most famous, was Jackie Mitchell, who signed on to the Southern Association’s Double-A Chattanooga Lookouts in 1931 when she was 17 years old. On April 2 of that year, she braved the boos and taunts of the fans at her first game, and exhibition game against the New York Yankees in Chattanooga … and struck the first batter out on five pitches. She needed only three pitches for the next strikeout. Who were the batters? Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig. Mitchell was pulled from the game after she walked the next batter, and women were banned from minor and major league baseball by Commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis just days later, on the grounds that it was “too strenuous” for them. Truth was, it was too embarrassing for men to get struck out by a woman. Mitchell played in exhibition games for the next few years and retired when she was 23. She died in 1987, five years before the ban on women in professional baseball was officially lifted.

Looking for more amazing facts and good laughs? Check out the latest Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader® titles atbathroomreader.com.

The post Why Do Baseball Managers Wear Uniforms? 4 Pressing Baseball Questions You’ve Always Had appeared first on Reader's Digest.

On November 18, 1994, I wake from a vivid dream. I sit up in bed, heart pounding, face wet with tears. My husband, Troy, asks, “What’s wrong?”

“I was falling backward … in this huge avalanche,” I sob, “and everything I owned, everything I’d ever accomplished in my life, was tumbling over me, pounding and crushing me until there was nothing but dust.”

“It was just a dream, honey.” He wraps his arms around me.

Cissy, nine, and Taylor, four, are downstairs eating Cheerios. Cartoons hum cheerily in the background. The dogs are under the table, waiting to catch any stray crumbs. I try to shake the residual feelings from the dream. “Everything’s fine; everything’s fine,” 
I say to myself, all day long.

After school, I drop Cissy at her dad’s for an overnight visit. As I drive home, my chest muscles seize. I wonder what is wrong with me. Maybe I need medication or to go back to therapy. Or maybe I’ll never get used to sharing my daughter with my ex-husband.

By the time I walk into our house, I can barely breathe. I think, If I nap, I’ll feel better. I bring my dogs, Whitney and Lady; my cats, Angel and Munchkin; and my bunny, Bunny, into my bedroom. It is an odd thing 
I have never done before. I fall into a deep sleep, but when I wake, I am still edgy.

Troy, Taylor, and I have dinner. After Taylor’s bath, I zip him into his pajamas. We have a 
Peter Pan vs. Captain Hook sword fight with toothbrushes, and then I read his favorite book, The Grouchy Ladybug, and sing to him until he falls asleep. Outside, a full moon hangs in the sky. It shines like an icy sun, giving me an ominous feeling.

In the next room, Troy and our friend Donna tune their guitars; we are preparing for a gig. We sing in three-part harmony, with Donna and Troy playing. My throat is tight, my breathing shallow. I’m not hitting my notes. Donna asks, “What’s up, girl? You’re not yourself.”

I tell her about the dream. Donna touches my arm. “Hols, we don’t need to do this now. We can reschedule.”

Troy holds me. “Everything’s OK, honey. You’re safe.” He knows these are the best words to say to me. Safe—my entire life, that’s all I’d ever wanted to feel. We walk Donna downstairs. The living room is dark, so I flip the light switch. Nothing happens. “Must’ve blown a fuse,” Troy says, and goes to find a 
flashlight.

By the glow of the fire in the fireplace, 
I see smoke backing out of the chimney, filling the room with an eerie haze. I crack a window.

“We heard crows making a racket in the chimney …,” I say.

“They probably built a nest up there—that’s why the smoke is trapped.” Donna stands by the front door. “You guys want me to stay?”

I wave my hand. “No. Everything’s fine.” She hugs me and leaves.

In the hall, Troy shines a light on the breaker box. As he flips a switch, 
a buzz sends us hurtling backward. “It’s gotta be a fuse … I can fix it.”

“Please!” I say. “I have a bad feeling. Let’s get an electrician here in the morning.”

I wash my face, brush my teeth, and slip on my nightgown. Ordinary things on an ordinary night, but I am still anxious, eyeing the full moon. 
I sit on our bed, while Troy falls asleep. Angel and Munchkin curl on either side of me, purring. Agitated, I walk the house, checking for … for what? I wander into the kids’ room. Taylor sleeps, and I pull the covers around him and kiss his forehead.

I walk downstairs to check the hearth. The fire is almost out. I climb upstairs and fall back into bed, but an hour later, panic wakes me. I wander the halls. It is still in the house, too still. A thin veil of smoke lingers in the air. I force myself to go back to bed.

Within an hour, I am awake again. I stand in the kids’ room. The house seems smokier than it did before, but how can that be when the fire burned out hours ago? I crack a window, return to bed, and fall into a dead sleep.

Inside the inferno

I hear screams. It’s Troy. “Hollye! Get out of the house!”

Hearing the panic in his voice, 
I bolt upright. I run to the bedroom door and swing it open, and I am blown back, knocked to the floor. Searing heat and black smoke overtake me, burning my skin. Through the deafening roar of fire, a smoke alarm whines like a mosquito. I gasp for breath and crawl across the floor, gagging. The smell of that fire is something I will never forget. It is not the cozy smell of a campfire but the putrid stench of synthetic carpeting, drywall plaster, and household appliances melting, the toxic cloud of our life disintegrating.

Without knowing how, I have Taylor in my arms and am at his bedroom window. When I open it, ashes and smoke blow through as the heat is pulled toward us. There’s fire behind me, a 30-foot drop to concrete below.

Troy shouts from another window, “Hold on! I’m coming—I’m gonna jump!” Then the sickening sound of bones against cement. I scream his name, but he doesn’t respond. I start to cry, but there is no time for panic.

I lower Taylor out his window as far as my arms will stretch so he can breathe. I hold only his tiny hands, his body dangling. I am in the center of the firestorm. I choke, spitting out black grease. Blisters rise on the backs of my legs; the pain becomes unbearable. I have to do something. But there is no grass below, no trees or bushes.

My brain searches for options. If I hold Taylor while I jump, I could crush him. I have to let go of his hands. I know that if I do this, he may break bones or suffer a bad injury. But if I do nothing, I will burn to death, and he will fall. Stretching my body to make his drop as short as possible, I lower him as far as I can, until I’m holding just the ends of his chubby fingers. The smoke is so thick, I can’t see him. I beg God to protect him. I let go. At that very moment, Troy shouts, “Drop him! I’m here!”

I scramble out the window. I take a deep breath, then fall. I hear the thump of a hip against concrete, but it’s as though it happened to someone else. I feel nothing. Troy yanks me to my feet. Taylor is clutched to his chest. “I caught him,” Troy says. We look at each other in disbelief. We are alive.

We run. All three levels are consumed, flames shooting out the windows. The sight of the burning doghouse jolts me. “Oh, God! The animals!” I wail. Troy hands Taylor to me and goes back with a few neighbors. As they near the house, the windows blow out. There is no way to get back in.

A neighbor cries, “I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do!” She screams, “Her little girl is in there!”

Cissy. Cissy. I am disoriented, doubting my own memory. I grab Troy’s arm. “Cissy’s not in there, right?” I become hysterical, squeezing my son, who is silent and dazed.

Troy grips my arms and says in 
a firm voice, “Hollye, she’s at her dad’s house. Look at me, Hollye! She’s safe!”

Troy will later tell me that I repeated this scenario many times that night. There is mayhem in my head, mayhem in the street. I watch as our life goes up in flames, knowing our animals are dead. Troy wraps his arms around Taylor and me. He whispers, maybe to himself, maybe to me, maybe to God. “We will come back stronger.”

I want to believe him, my sunny, optimistic man. But that morning, he was the one who told me my nightmare was just a dream. Now I am wide-awake, and the nightmare is real.

Up From the Ashes

Days after the fire, I wake to the smell of stuffing and the sounds of the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade on TV. Is it Thanksgiving? I sit in my mother’s kitchen. “Morning, sweetie! Coffee’s made. Want some?” she offers.

All week long, cars pulled up to my mom’s house with donations. Calls come from friends, and they suggest a benefit concert. By night, Troy and I are plagued with nightmares. By day, we’re surrounded with love. We’ve been given the chance to feel something most will never know—to be held by hundreds of unseen hands—a comforting yet overwhelming sensation. Here we are on this day of giving thanks, grateful, yes, and also tired of being grateful and needy.

We spend the day digging through bags of stuff. Some people used the fire as an excuse to get rid of junk, and this helps us laugh again.

Used underwear? Bonanza!

A bag full of jockstraps? You shouldn’t have!

A wet suit? Skis from the 1970s? We’re homeless. But thanks!

Later, we shower and dress. With the kids looking sharp in their outfits, the doorbell rings. My mom answers it and returns to us. She says, “There’s a guy from the Red Cross here.”

It turns out the Red Cross had been at our fire that night, providing food and water to the firefighters. We hadn’t contacted it, but the Red Cross doesn’t wait for you to ask. Our representative, Frank [not his real name], is stocky, with a salt-and-pepper beard. “Right now, you’re in what’s called the honeymoon phase of tragedy,” he says. “You’re surrounded by people showing up to support you. Donations are coming in. You’re getting phone calls every day. But soon, those things will taper off, and you’ll be left picking up the pieces.” He hands me the card of a therapist. “We’ve arranged some free counseling for the four of you.” He gives us bags with toiletries, and teddy bears and blankets for the kids. “Here are gift certificates so you can get personal items like underwear and socks.”

There is something about Frank’s ease that makes my shoulders relax. He is the first person we’ve talked to who gets it. He understands we have no driver’s licenses, no Social Security cards, no bank cards, no birth certificates. He knows utilities have to be canceled and mail rerouted because there is no house where the charred mailbox stands. He gives us directions and advice on how to begin again.

We go to my aunt Laura’s house for dinner, Troy with a sprained ankle and me with a bandaged wrist and a burned ear. Aunts, uncles, and cousins descend upon us with hugs and sniffling. 
We chat in the kitchen, and every time Troy and I cough from smoke inhalation, we receive more hugs and choruses of “Are you OK?” Somehow, after meeting with Frank, I feel I am.

At dinner, we hold hands, and 
everyone thanks God for looking out for us. Then it comes time for the prayer. Aunt Laura and Uncle Bob, born-again Christians, always say grace. We bow our heads, waiting for the opening line, “Heavenly Father.” Instead, Aunt Laura says, “Troy, would you lead us in prayer 
tonight?”

We all jerk our heads up. My husband has faith in people, in goodness, in love. But he has no faith in religion. After a moment of hesitation, he says, “Yes. I’d love to, actually.” He begins, “Heavenly Father, we thank you for this meal tonight and for all the love in this room. We thank you for our family and friends, for the opportunity to be here together”—he pauses—“and that we are alive.” His voice breaks. “Please, God, help me get back on my feet, so that I can give back.”

I squeeze his hand tight. There’s a loud chorus of “Amen.” A few of us wipe tears away as we pass the mashed potatoes and pour the wine. Oh yes, please pour the wine.

The post My House Burned Down, and Here’s What It Taught Me: One Mother’s Heart-Pounding True Story appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Trust is the glue of life. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships. ~ Stephen Covey

“I never dreamed he would cheat on me.”

A week ago, my new client found out that her husband of two years had had sex with an old girlfriend.

“What did he say when you confronted him?” I asked.

“He said he gave up being single. He didn’t give up sex with people he’s attracted to.”

“You didn’t know that?” I asked.

“No. Of course not. Everyone knows you’re not supposed to cheat, right?”

No. Wrong. This couple, like so many others, hadn’t talked about what they each meant by “cheating.” They each assumed that, of course, they were in agreement about that since they were in agreement about so much else. If only they had talked about it.

Their trust had been based on assumptions, not on information. Now, each is feeling wounded. He, because he doesn’t see that he did anything wrong. She, because she feels betrayed.

“All You Need Is Love” may have been a popular Beatles song, but it was wrong. Love may be intoxicating, but trust is what makes it safe. Trust is based on a shared understanding about what each person in the relationship expects of the other.

The wise couple develops an explicit, concrete agreement, a kind of special contract, about what is and is not okay in terms of interactions with, and especially attractions to, people outside their relationship. When they have absolute confidence that the other person will stick with the agreement, they each relax and trust.

There are probably as many types of relationships as there are types of people. What stable relationships have in common is an understanding of their deal: a stated contract about what is and is not cheating. As long as both respect and stay within the contract, no one gets hurt and the couple is stable. Each person has confidence in the other to abide by their “couple rules” and to keep priorities straight.

If circumstances change and one or the other wants to amend their deal, they don’t do it by betrayal. They do it by honestly and openly renegotiating the deal. If they can’t come to a new agreement, they separate. It is still a painful loss but it doesn’t come with the additional burdens of secrecy and betrayal that make it difficult to find love again.

How to negotiate a healthy couple “deal:”

• Be open about your expectations.
  When intoxicated by new love, couples tend to see only their similarities and to let disappointments slide. It’s a huge mistake to assume you are on the same page about how you define cheating. You can’t mind-read. Your partner won’t know what you expect unless you talk about it. Building trust means stating your hopes for the relationship and talking about what you each expect your partner to do — or not do — to keep love alive.
• Be willing to talk about reservations.
  It is neither healthy nor useful to bury reservations about the other in the name of love. It is neither healthy nor useful to bury reservations about your own willingness to meet the other person’s expectations in the conviction that time and love will conquer all. Shoving doubts aside only means they will grow teeth and claws. Eventually one of those doubts will come out to bite you. It’s healthier to put reservations on the table so the two of you have a chance to try to work through them.
• Be vulnerable.
  Opening ourselves up to someone else can be scary. Some people, especially people who have been hurt in prior relationships, avoid discussions about their fears and frailties. They don’t talk about their expectations because they don’t want to be hurt again. That almost always guarantees that the relationship won’t last. True trust comes from revealing vulnerabilities and finding that they are treated gently and never used as a way to control or hurt the other.
• Understand that everyone has a right to some privacy.
  Trust does not require sharing every little detail about past relationships and encounters. It’s enough that each of you acknowledges having loved and lost before and talks about what was learned from it. Repeatedly pressuring for details is an indication of insecurity and distrust. Trusting partners will trust that they are each sharing what is important for the other to know.
• Be trustworthy.
  The truth is that the world is full of people who are attractive in different ways. A trustworthy partner is someone who honors the contract of his or her relationship, especially when it is tested. Each person generally does his or her best to be the kind of person he or she would like to live with.
• Communication. Communication. Communication.
  Love is a feeling. But trust requires thoughtful discussion as well. You and the person you love can only negotiate a clear relationship contract if you know what each other is thinking.

For any love relationship to grow and deepen, there has to be trust. You need it. Your partner needs it. All the love in the world won’t compensate for its lack. When a couple has trust as well as love, both people, and the relationship, mature and thrive.

Related article: http://ift.tt/1RvFCQ8

Cheating photo available from Shutterstock

Both popular and scholarly writings about relationships are overwhelmingly about marriage and romantic relationships. Friendship gets short shrift, despite the fact that just about everyone has friends, and Americans (and probably other Westerners as well) now spend more years of their adult lives not married than married.

But little by little, friendship is finding its place on our bookshelves and in academic journals. Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends Who Break Them, by Suzanne Degges-White (a professor and counselor) and Judy Pochel Van Tieghem (a reporter), is a recent example of that welcome trend.

This is a self-help book based on an impressive amount of research. The authors draw from the experiences of women who have shared their stories, the first author’s years as a counselor, and other research and writings on friendship. But while it’s great to see new work on the subject, the authors focus exclusively on heteronormative, suburban women who have or want children — a rather homogeneous bunch that fails to represent many of the book’s potential readers.

In the first chapters, the authors explain why friendship is such an important part of our lives, and offer a brief preview of what they consider the ten rules of friendship. They also introduce the life stages that will be part of the structure of the book: (1) young girls and almost teens; (2) teens and new adults; (3) young adults in their twenties and thirties; (4) mom-to-mom networks; (5) midlife; and (6) older adults.

The rules describe ways of being with friends (e.g., trust them, empathize with them), ways of behaving with friends (e.g., help them when they are in need, stand up for them when they are not around), and ways of restraining yourself with friends (e.g., don’t criticize them, don’t be jealous of their other friends). At the end of each chapter, Degges-White and Pochel Van Tieghem provide analyses of friendships that violate the rule in question — and how the friend who has been disappointed can think about what happened and decide whether to try to repair the friendship or end it.

For example, when it comes to violations of the rule of helping friends when they are in need, the authors advise readers to ask themselves questions such as “Was your need for support clearly expressed?” and “Is this the first time she’s failed you or just another step toward the ‘friendship cliff’?” They also encourage us to be honest about whether we would give to this friend the kind of support we are asking from them.

There is a special chapter devoted to rules for parents in dealing with their daughters’ friendships. Three subsequent chapters focus on toxic friendships outside the home: “soccer moms and carpool divas;” friends from churches and other civic groups; and friends from work and the neighborhood. Toward the end of the book, we learn about thirteen personality traits that are essential to healthy friendships, and how to tell if we are the ones who may be causing the issue.

The strongest chapter is the last one, in which the authors go deeper into the psychology of toxic friendships than they had in any of the earlier sections. They provide specific examples of what to say and what not to say to friends when trying to repair or end a friendship. They also offer some important cautionary notes about what can go wrong even when the person taking the initiative is trying to be compassionate and constructive.

Though far-reaching in some ways, however, Toxic Friendships was disappointingly narrow in others. So far as I could tell, all of the stories in the book were about heterosexuals who wanted to marry and have children. Just about all of the mothers seemed to have SUVs, which they used to drive their kids to places such as museums and banquet halls. Race or ethnicity had no place in any of the friendship dynamics. The people mentioned in the book seemed fearful of attending events on their own; if any of them savored time alone, they didn’t say so.

It was odd that the authors included motherhood as one of the life stages when all of the others were age-based and therefore universal. If they wanted to zero in on significant aspects of women’s identity, and not just on age-related parts of the lifespan, they could have included parallel sections on single women, women who do not have kids, and women who are passionate about their work, rather than granting special attention to mothers.

And the book does not just give women who are mothers extra consideration — it also accords them special value. We are told, for example, that “Entering into motherhood can be a brave decision,” that “Motherhood has been called the hardest job in the world,” that “Mothers are typically extremely adept,” and that “Sometimes it seems that only mothers can fully empathize with other mothers.” It is never the single woman or the professional woman who has made a brave decision or who is extremely adept.

In the specific stories that are told, again and again it is the mother (or the married woman) who is heroic — and the single woman, or the woman with no children, who shows a “refusal to understand” the mother’s life and is “non-compliant” with the mother’s priorities as a mom. “Children take up a lot of time and energy,” the authors note, adding, “Friends who do not have kids may lack appreciation for this fact.”

I am a sixty-something-year-old. I have chosen to live single and not have kids. I love my work and my solitude, as well as my friends. I felt diminished by this book.

I do not think for a moment that the authors intended to be so dismissive of women who are not mothers. But they were. That attitude marred what was otherwise a book that had quite a lot to offer.

Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends Who Break Them
Rowman & Littlefield, June 2015
Hardcover, 280 pages
$34