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Monday, November 30, 2015

I Want What She’s Having: Women Copy Other Women’s Mate-Choices

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So you’re a 20-something woman out at a bar. As it happens you’re currently single and kind of interested in meeting guys to possibly date. At this club there are 2 men, of similar physical attractiveness, who have caught your eye. Man A) is sitting in the corner alone, but man B) is talking with a really attractive woman who seems to be his ex-girlfriend. Are you more attracted to man A) or man B)? 

On the topic of human relationships, the famous Czech writer Milan Kundera mused, “[it is] one of life’s great secrets: women don’t look for handsome men, they look for men with beautiful women.”1

In the absence of any other information, humans tend to estimate the value of something by being aware of the demand for it. This is basic economics. Mate copying is the idea that an individual’s decision to mate or form a relationship with a potential partner is impacted by a direct observation of that person in a relationship with another, or knowledge of their romantic history.



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How to Move On After Being Rejected

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There is nothing worse than being excited about connecting with someone just to get a dial tone, a voicemail, or no call back. We ALL know what it’s like to experience rejection and I have NEVER heard someone say, “I just love the idea of being rejected.”

Rejection is rough. It is also a gift. Are you surprised to hear that? Let me help clarify.

Can you imagine what it would be like to spend your life with a person you had to constantly try to convince to love you? Some of you may even know what it feels like.

This is why I say rejection is a gift. It is a sign that a relationship should not take place between two people. By now, all of our eH+ clients know pretty well that we stand by the assertion that physical attraction and chemistry grow when you are with the right person.

For example, if someone is going to make a decision that they do not want to meet you because you don’t listen to the same music, this person is likely not open minded enough to be a great fit for you in a relationship.

The people who are most successful in finding love are the ones willing to be open-minded and get out there and meet as many people as they can.

Now that we know rejection is a gift, it is time to admit that it still doesn’t feel great — so let’s deal with that.

How someone chooses to respond to you is a result of:

1. Their own personal history. This includes their family background and upbringing, familial dynamics, and their intimate relationship history.

2. Their mood and emotional state in the present moment. If someone is in a bad mood, they are more likely to find things to dislike about whoever crosses their path.

3. Their interaction with you both verbally and physically. The majority of a person’s reaction to you is based on their history and current mood. However, we also have to take responsibility for our own interactions with a potential partner.

Here is what you can do to deal with rejection:

1. Bring your best self to the conversation or meeting. Be aware of how you want to portray yourself when you meet a potential partner.

2. Express yourself congruently. Don’t try to be someone you are not. If someone treats you rudely or is unkind, don’t respond in the same manner just because you are upset. Choose to be the bigger person and respond based on your values and standards.

3. After a potential partner has made a decision to not continue a relationship with you, evaluate your interaction with them. It is always worth it to see if there is anything you could have done differently.

4. Don’t take it personally. Remember 80% of how someone reacts to you has to do with their personal history and current emotional state.

5. Acknowledge that this is a relationship that never would have worked.

6. KEEP MOVING ON. Don’t give up just because an obstacle gets in your way. Keep a positive attitude and know that there is someone out there for you.

The great news is that at eHarmony, you can always feel comfortable knowing that you will be connecting with people who are compatible with you in deep, foundational ways.

About Ashley and eH+:

eH+Ashsuit09102014-15eHarmony’s new service, eH+,  gives you the benefit of a personal matchmaker who picks your matches and guides you to success. We’re taking the best of what eHarmony does and combining that with what personal matchmakers do best – person-to-person conversation, opportunities for feedback, and coaching to put your best foot forward.

Learn More about eH+.

eHarmony users, be sure to include your phone number in your account information so that Ashley can contact you if you are a match for an eH+ client.

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4 Ways to Restore Trust After Lying

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You didn’t mean to, but you lied to the person you love the most. Maybe it was about how much you spent on a new outfit, where you went instead of “working late at the office,” or the fact that you’ve been in contact with your ex.

Either way, you lied and now it’s eating you up inside. Your partner may have found out already or you couldn’t take the guilt and you confessed. This is truly a frustrating and confusing place to be.

Feelings including embarrassment, shame, anger, resentment, justification, defensiveness, and more probably have you all stirred up inside, and if you’ve lied to this person in the past, you probably feel even worse. This is a habit you need to stop so you can stop destroying your relationship and they can learn to trust you again.

After the admission (or discovery), the outburst of hurt feelings and the apology, now what?

You’ve made a shift and now you need to focus on doing whatever you can to restore trust in your relationship. You need to make things right again so that the two of you can get back to loving and connecting with one another, but it seems to you that no matter how much you attempt to be completely honest, your partner just can’t get over the past.

What you probably already know is that you can’t MAKE anyone trust you again. This means that while you can’t make he/she release the past or forgive you for what happened, you CAN take responsibility for yourself. It’s time to truly focus your attention on becoming trustworthy again.

The string of decisions that led to you lying probably eroded your own sense of self-trust. It doesn’t matter whether you had an affair and lied to cover it up or you told lies about something more or less “serious” in your judgment, you did the deed, and in order to rebuild that sense of trust and connection, you have to make some changes.

Here are 4 ways to get started on the path to trustworthiness:

1. Learn to trust yourself again.

It’s vital that you learn to trust yourself again. This is for your benefit and also for the potential improvement of your relationship.

When you don’t believe yourself, it shows. Your body language will tell the world that you don’t see yourself as trustworthy. If you don’t trust yourself, why would anyone else trust you?

Even if you’ve done nothing wrong and you are being completely honest now, as you continue to hold onto the image of yourself as someone who can’t be trusted, your body language will communicate this despite the truth.

As you begin to forgive yourself and heal, your body language will reshape and send a different kind of message.

2. Become COMPLETELY transparent

While you do this important inner work learning to trust yourself again, you have to be completely transparent and open with your partner. Make it a point to regularly what you’ve been doing and who you’ve been with.

Do this with an intention to rebuild trust and establish a sense of openness, rather than from an “I have to” attitude.

You might want to think about being transparent as a way to share and reconnect about what you do when you’re apart.

Stay tuned in to yourself and to what you want and need in your relationship. Your desires to restore trust and move toward the relationship you want are valid — no matter what you did in the past. In fact, sometimes lying in a relationship occurs because one or both people are not clearly communicating their needs.

Get in touch with what you need from your relationship and constantly share that — and have your love do the same.

3. Follow through on your commitments.

It’s important that you follow through on the agreements you make — especially at this time. As you restore trust, make a commitment to yourself and to he/she, and KEEP it. Do whatever you can to keep your word.

Sometimes in a relationship people agree to something even if they are not 100% sure they want to follow through. It seems, at the time, easier to just say “yes” and move on – but that won’t help you rebuild trust. Instead only make agreements that you believe you can keep.

If you find that you’re unable to keep your word for whatever reason, it’s imperative that you immediately communicate what’s going on and talk about how you can fix the problem.

4. Notice your improvements and give yourself some credit

Don’t wait for anyone to verbally commend you on the improvements you’ve made — celebrate yourself by noting the things you are doing right. Notice and applaud your own strides as you make them one decision at a time.

As you do this, allow your partner some time to heal and forgive you at his or her own pace. Even though you think you might be doing a great job, it’ll probably take some time to earn trust back.

More at YourTango:

2 Ways to Get a Super Jealous Guy to Start Trusting You Again

3 Signs to Tell You Whether to Stay or Go After an Affair

5 Ways to Be Thankful Even When Life is Kicking Your Butt

 

Originally posted at YourTango

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Sunday, November 29, 2015

MBSR Every Day: Daily Practices from the Heart of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction

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MBSR Every Day

Ah, isn’t that interesting. How did I get here?

It’s a question many adults will ask themselves at some point in their lives. But instead of circumstantially assigning it a “good” or “bad” answer, authors Elisha Goldstein and Bob Stahl encourage us to focus on the “here.”

In MBSR Every Day: Daily Practices from the Heart of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, Goldstein and Stahl offer daily tips and tricks to help readers remain mindful in a fast-moving world.

Goldstein and Stahl highlight many of the practices espoused by mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) program developer Jon Kabat-Zinn. For those not familiar with Kabat-Zinns work, MBSR is a combination of mindfulness, meditation, body awareness, and yoga designed to help people reduce stress, increase relaxation, and improve their overall quality of life. The practice has roots in spiritual teachings, drawing heavily from Buddhist practices and yogic philosophy, but the program itself is secular.

Whereas Kabat-Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living is a larger volume with numerous case studies and in-depth practices, MBSR Every Day works perfectly as a companion book, or even a starter for those looking to dip their toes in the mindfulness waters. It cuts out the case studies, but leaves a handful of inspirational quotes, stories, and techniques. (For those who prefer vocal guidance, the book also includes links to audio exercises.)

Much of the text will appeal to readers who want to jump in and begin to bring mindfulness into their daily routine. How can I stay calm when stuck in traffic? What about being mindful when getting ready for work? How can I stop the negative self-talk? The first of these questions may be a bit clichéd, but most of us do need to be reminded of how not to get stressed in a traffic jam!

The latter sections of the book focus on developing your own personal meditation practice. The authors emphasize body scanning, as well as practicing paying attention to obstacles and addressing them with anecdotes. Are you feeling irritated? Focus on self-compassion. Are you craving activity or food? Focus on curiosity. What is it that you are longing for and why? This is where the common phrase “observe how you are feeling” comes into play. It serves as a reminder that it is okay if we are not sitting with a perfectly clear mind — since, after all, part of meditation is to acknowledge what is on your mind and to simply be.

And so Goldstein and Stahl focus on how we can embrace whatever is to come. “What we resist persists,” they remind us. By focusing on cultivating self-compassion, breaking free from negative self-talk and thoughts, and finding gifts in imperfection, we can begin to accept when things don’t go our way.

The book also prompts readers to explore the depth of their identity, and gives guidance for recovering it should it get lost or become subject to “compassionate fatigue” — something caregivers especially suffer from.

While each section provides helpful tips, readers would do well to absorb the book’s introduction. There, Goldstein and Stahl describe the learning mindset versus the performance mindset. The performance mindset, they write, is goal oriented. We are set up to feel stuck if we don’t meet every expectation. I didn’t meditate well enough, we might think, or, I don’t meditate every day like _____ does. Rather than succumb to the performance mindset, the authors write, we can use the learning mindset and focus on curiosity and growth when faced with difficulties.

Overall, this is a simple book, a kind of starter text. If you are looking for an in-depth book driven by case studies, this is not it. 

But if you are looking for an inspirational daily companion piece or for an immediate practice-focused workbook, Goldstein and Stahl might be a good fit. As a graduate of MBSR courses and a fan of Full Catastrophe Living, I can say with confidence that this little book gives readers vital guidance, even as it cuts to the chase.

MBSR Every Day: Daily Practices from the Heart of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction
New Harbinger, June 2015
Paperback, 224 pages
$16.95



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Saturday, November 28, 2015

The Horse That Won’t Go Away: Clever Hans, Facilitated Communication & the Need for Clear Thinking

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The Horse That Won't Go Away

Even the most impressively intelligent humans, left to their own devices, have wishes and dreams and the biases that come with them. There are things they want, with a passion, to be true, and things they cannot imagine are not true. The careful thinking and systematic experimentation that are at the heart of scientific psychology are necessary antidotes.

That is the premise of The Horse That Won’t Go Away: Clever Hans, Facilitated Communication, and the Need for Clear Thinking, a brief, entertaining, instructive, and at times shocking book by three psychology professors, Thomas E. Heinzen, Scott O. Lilienfeld, and Susan A. Nolan.

The first chapter after the introduction begins with a potentially charming story of one of the most renowned horses in history, Clever Hans. The horse’s owner, retired math teacher Wilhelm von Osten, believed he could teach Hans to think. So in the early 1900s, he worked intensively with his horse in the courtyard of his apartment building in Berlin, Germany.

Von Osten trained Hans to answer questions by tapping a hoof. For example, if von Osten asked Hans, “What is 28 divided by 7?,” Hans could show that he knew by tapping four times. Von Osten kept Hans hungry and offered him a treat every time he got an answer right.

Once word of the thinking horse spread, all sorts of people came to see him perform, including a military general and a highly respected scientist. Some started out as skeptics. But once they saw Clever Hans solve mathematical equations, count the number of people in the audience wearing straw hats, demonstrate musical acumen, and much more, they were won over.

Hans soon became the pre-internet version of a viral sensation. His image was everywhere and he was celebrated in songs. But the Clever Hans bubble of fame was ultimately punctured by controlled experimentation.

Hans could only answer questions correctly when his questioners knew the answers to the questions they were posing and when Hans could see the questioners. It turned out that von Osten and all of the other people who had tested Hans were unwittingly signaling the correct answers to the horse.

For example, they might bend over as they stared intently at Hanss hoof as the tapping progressed, and then very subtly straighten a bit when Hans got to the correct number of taps. None of this was intentional trickery: it was just subtle, nonconscious, nonverbal communication.

So what if a bunch of people got fooled by a horse? The Horse That Won’t Go Away turns more serious in the next chapter, on facilitated communication. There the authors tell the story of a time, just a few decades ago, when professionals, laypersons, and the popular media all came to believe that autistic people who otherwise had trouble communicating in the traditional sense were highly intelligent and simply had no way of showing it until facilitated communication came along. In the technique, the autistic person sits in front of a keyboard or letter pad while an adult “facilitator” holds the person’s arm as it approaches the letters. As the authors explain, “The facilitator doesn’t do any of the ‘typing,’ acting only as a steadying influence on the autistic person’s upper limb movements so he can become, in effect, a one-fingered typist.”

Using facilitated communication, autistic people who had been mute for years began to type heartfelt messages of love to their parents. They also demonstrated intellectual and literary skills by solving problems and composing lengthy poems. Facilitated communication became a sensation, taught in schools and institutes and touted breathlessly in the media.

Then the phenomenon took a dark turn: some of the children accused their parents of sexual abuse. No evidence was found for those accusations, other than what the children had typed with the support of their facilitators. But children were removed from their homes and parents were jailed. Once again, systematic studies showed the same thing that the rigorous research on Clever Hans had demonstrated: the facilitators were subtly shaping the childrens behavior. In 183 carefully controlled trials (in which, for example, only the child and not the facilitator could see the picture the child was asked to describe), the autistic children never answered correctly.

Some of the most stunning stories in the book depict highly respected professionals, including an esteemed research psychologist and a Nobel Prize winner in physics, who continued to believe in facilitated communication. They all had something in common — children of their own who were autistic.

How could this happen? How could so many people — including so many brilliant and accomplished people — be so thoroughly fooled for so long? The authors many thoughtful perspectives on this puzzle, most of them culled from scholarly research in psychology, are among the most important contributions in the book.

In addition to discussing Clever Hans and facilitated communication in depth, the authors also review other phenomena in which vast numbers of people believed in something — not because it was scientifically validated, but because they so wished and expected it to be true. Examples include elephants who can paint, dogs who can sniff drugs and bombs, a dog who was a math genius, the D.A.R.E. and Scared Straight programs, the videos insisting that Your Baby Can Read, and the wildly trumped-up fears of child abduction.

This is a fascinating read, but I do have one beef with it. The authors repeatedly underscore von Osten’s supposedly pitiful status as a single man, a so-called “bachelor with few friends.” They quote another scholar who describes von Osten as “unmarried and entirely alone…and his Hans was almost his sole companion.” (Never mind that people from around the world had traveled to see him and his horse.) We are told that “Clever Hans was to be the crowning achievement of his life” but that he “died in gloom and solitude.”

In a book in which the authors underscore the need for clear thinking, and repeatedly caution readers against believing things simply because they want or expect them to be true, they nonetheless perpetuate the tired old stereotypes of single people as sad and lonely. And are they really suggesting, as it sometimes seemed, that if von Osten hadn’t been single, maybe he would not have clung so stubbornly to his belief in the brilliance of his horse?

With that exception, though, The Horse That Wont Go Away is a wonderful book. I hope it is assigned to thousands of students, and also picked up by many intellectually curious people who are not in school.

The Horse That Won’t Go Away: Clever Hans, Facilitated Communication, and the Need for Clear Thinking
Worth Publishers, December 2014
Paperback, 144 pages
$24.99



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Friday, November 27, 2015

Put Anxiety Behind You: The Complete Drug-Free Program

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Put Anxiety Behind You

Peter Bongiorno’s new book, Put Anxiety Behind You: The Complete Drug-Free Program, is aimed at readers who want help with anxiety, but without the use of prescriptions. Bongiorno, a naturopath and acupuncturist who teaches at NYU, provides a comprehensive step-by-step process for managing stress and anxiety. His approach is clear and systematic. Most chapters start with a case study exemplifying the anxiety factor to be discussed, followed by a discussion of the various permutations of the factor and relevant coping methods. A summary in the form of a checklist helps the reader take in the most salient points and incorporate the suggestions — and a checklist seems especially useful for readers who don’t have time or the patience for longer explanations about why they’re stressed out.

One of the steps Bongiorno recommends is a trip to the doctor: a regular checkup to rule out other health issues that might be contributing to (or even causing) how you feel. That makes sense. He also discusses sleep, exercise, and diet and blood sugar, providing helpful information in each section.

However, readers won’t necessarily buy into every step in the book. For instance, Bongiorno, as a naturopathic physician, emphasizes the use of mind-body modalities. While they have become more widely accepted in recent years, at least some of these activities, such as Reiki — a form of alternative medicine practiced in Japan incorporating palm healing or hands-on-healing — have not been proven effective.

Does this mean that you should avoid this book if youre not in tune with all of the ideas? Not at all. Bongiorno provides something helpful for everyone suffering from anxiety. You just need to choose what works best for you.

Compared to other books of this genre, such as When Panic Attacks, by David D. Burns, this book includes a broader range of support. For example, Burns’s book does not recommend the use of any drugs or supplements, whereas Bongiorno extensively incorporates the use of supplements, which he refers to as homeopathic anxiety remedies. He even includes an appendix containing a description of each, listing the symptoms they tend to alleviate.

Another title is The Anxiety Toolkit, by Alice Boyes. Although it uses a similar format, Boyes, like Burns, doesn’t really get into supplements, and doesn’t go into as much detail as Bongiorno.

Between work and family, most of us have little free time to read about anxiety, even if we want solutions that will, as Bongiorno puts it, “allow you to face anxiety and move your life forward.” Would reading this book and following its steps be a good use of your free time?

I believe it would, if you are willing to embrace at least a portion of the suggestions in each chapter. The main drawback is that there is almost too much information, particularly regarding supplements. While the information may be helpful, as it is not in some other books, it can also be too much to wade through. But don’t let this caveat stop you from absorbing and integrating Bongiorno’s advice. Although adding more reading to your busy schedule may seem like it would increase anxiety, in the end you just might feel calmer for it.

Put Anxiety Behind You: The Complete Drug-Free Program
Conari Press, October 2015
Paperback, 240 pages
$18.95



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Thursday, November 26, 2015

How to Be a Good Mommy When You’re Sick: A Guide to Motherhood with Chronic Illness

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How to Be a Good Mommy When You're Sick

Motherhood is tough enough when you’re healthy. How do moms with chronic illness manage the daily tasks of caring for themselves and their loved ones?

That is the basic question Emily Graves tries to address in her new book, How to Be a Good Mommy When You’re Sick: A Guide to Motherhood with Chronic Illness. However, her answers fall short.

During the times I’ve struggled with health issues, I felt that I was barely able to hang on and care for my children until I recovered. So I looked forward to reading Graves’s book, hoping it would provide guidance on how to handle mothering while suffering from pain or illness. Graves has firsthand experience — she has rheumatoid arthritis as well as kidney problems. She tries to provide help in a slew of different areas: dietary needs, managing medication, and choosing baby clothes to adapt to your health issues, for instance. But while there was plenty of information, I often felt overwhelmed by the volume of details. Many of these details were not particularly useful because they were too specific to the author’s personality type and diagnosis.

Indeed, the book’s advice tended to fall into one of two categories: general knowledge that most mothers already have (Google calendar can help you stay organized!), and advice very specific to the author’s particular diagnosis (compression gear reduces swelling!).

For example, the author recommends using baby and toddler clothes with Velcro instead of snaps and buttons, because if you suffer from RA, using your hands can be painful. That, certainly, is a great idea. She also recommends baby gates and round coffee tables so your child stays safe in the home — advice I thought was common knowledge by now for all parents.

Meanwhile, I was looking for more research-based theories and techniques.

The author is clearly a fighter, one who has made many adjustments to her lifestyle to stay on top of her illness and provide good care for her child. Unfortunately, reading the book left with me with the feeling that I’d just had an incredibly long conversation with someone who shared every detail of advice she had to offer — most of it only applicable to a mother suffering from RA, kidney issues, and responsible for a very young kid.

The book would have been stronger if it had been structured differently and included some visual organizers. More important, it would have been stronger if Graves had considered readers who differ from her: those who have different physical issues than she does, or who have mental illness, or who have multiple children, or who have children past the toddler stage. She strongly recommends strategies such as meal planning, staying organized, and mobilizing loved ones to help when you need it. But for the mom face down with depression who just wants to survive the day, having the motivation to plan everything in advance may not be an option.

In all, the information Graves presents would have been more appropriately shared through a blog. She clearly has learned a lot about how to manage her own situation, and expresses a deep desire to help other mothers who might be similarly suffering. The checklists at the end of the book might be useful to mothers who have been diagnosed with a chronic illness and aren’t sure where to start.

But as much as I wanted to like this book, it simply doesn’t apply to many mothers with chronic illness.

How to Be a Good Mommy When You’re Sick: A Guide to Motherhood with Chronic Illness
MSI Press, February 2015
Paperback, 210 pages
$14.95



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Book Review: Working with Parents of Anxious Children

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Working with Parents of Anxious Children

As a therapist working in an inpatient facility, I see many young clients with anxiety. I probably see it more often than any other diagnosis. In fact, according to the Child Mind Institute, about 31.9 percent of children suffer from anxiety disorders, with about 8.3 percent severely impaired by the symptoms. To make matters worse, parents do not always recognize what their children are going through. A whopping 80 percent of children suffer from a diagnosable anxiety disorder that is not being treated.

I know firsthand how hard it can be to explain to parents that their child’s oppositional, defiant, or moody behavior is related to anxiety. Anxiety, they think, means something else.

In Working with Parents of Anxious Children: Therapeutic Strategies for Encouraging Communication, Coping, & Change, psychologist Christopher McCurry outlines the behaviors and symptoms to look for in children with anxiety disorders, and offers a guide for clinicians who work with their families.

Anxiety can mimic the symptoms of disruptive behavior disorders, McCurry writes. Six is the age of onset: the age at which kids are entering school, making friends, learning new things, and being expected to conform to social norms. If they are struggling with anxiety during this stressful time, families are likely to see a slew of behaviors and symptoms.

McCurry helps clinicians think about how biology and environment work together to either support or work against a child with an anxiety disorder. For example, a child who is biologically predisposed to anxiety and who also has a very anxious parent can sink into more severe forms of anxiety over time. And a parent who does not realize these ramifications can end up making things harder.

To that end, McCurry helps the clinician facilitate greater understanding in parents, highlighting therapeutic tools the therapist can use to help educate families. And, McCurry writes, parents should be open to not only changing their child’s behavior, but also their own responses. He approaches the issue from a behavior modification and cognitive behavioral perspective.

In general, McCurry does a wonderful job of introducing the subject of childhood anxiety, offering therapeutic tools, and bringing up ideas that clinicians may forget to consider in their work with families. However, his book fails to discuss children with resistant and chronic anxiety who find school attendance and daily life very challenging.

Engaging these kids in therapy is often difficult, if not impossible. For example, a child with chronic and pervasive OCD symptoms will find it difficult to exact any benefit from certain approaches if their anxiety is uncontrollable. Many kids with resistant anxiety symptoms are intelligent and able to conceptualize therapeutic concepts, but struggle with putting concepts into action. McCurry would have helped clinicians if he had addressed this population of youngsters. In addition, the book lacks information on external resources or studies.

Still, despite these oversights, McCurry provides clinicians with a bio-psycho-social understanding of anxiety disorders in children, as well as useful techniques to use with families.

Working with Parents of Anxious Children: Therapeutic Strategies for Encouraging Communication, Coping, & Change
W. W. Norton & Company, June 2015
Hardcover, 368 pages
$29.95



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How Ice Sculpting Works

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Blocks of ice can be sculpted into anything from swans to full-size buildings. Find out how ice sculpting is done from HowStuffWorks.

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Wednesday, November 25, 2015

8 Healthy Habits You May Not Realize You’re Overdoing

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Book Review: Being Called: Scientific, Secular & Sacred Perspectives

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Being Called

When William James wrote Varieties of Religious Experience: A Study in Human Nature in 1902, he was careful to exclude the institutions of religion in institutional settings, and to not debate theological perspectives. In doing so he was able to offer a neutral position on one of the great mysteries in life: How people experience God. He gathered quotes from the famous and not-so-famous on their encounters with mystic experiences as a way of understanding the effect of religion and spirituality on the individual. He was able to penetrate into the personal and direct encounters people have when they have been stirred by the sacred.

But how would William James take on this same project now? How would he have approached the study and understanding of mystical experiences more than a century later, when we have such powerful advances as computers, neuropsychology, and functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI)?

When James wrote the Varieties of Religious Experience, he extended the range of what was acceptable for investigation in the field of psychology. Being Called is the next natural evolution in this investigation and will do for this century what William James did for his.

The book draws upon the insights of experts from around the world in psychology, neuroscience, and theology and is divided into two parts. Part one: Scientific and Secular Perspectives, takes a more empirical view of callings, seeing them as natural byproducts of a human brain. Their interpretations are largely framed in how being called toward one’s work affects well-being. Of particular note are the chapters by Amy Wrzesniewski and Ryan Duffy, Richard Douglass, and Kelsey Autin. They offer interesting perspectives and research on the impact of being called to one’s work (including the dark side of being called and not having the skill or ability to follow one’s mission). Mary “Bit” Smith and Susan Rosenthal offer an in-depth review, more specifically, the calling of those to be physicians. David Yaden and Andrew Newberg explore the neurocognitive process behind the voices and visions of being called and their similarity to creative epiphanies. These as well as the other chapters in this section challenge the reader to understand the impact such experiences have on those summoned toward a particular life path.

Part Two, Sacred Perspectives, investigates numinous experiences through the lens of callings as supernatural or divine occurrence. These narratives challenge the reader in a different way. They offer insight and understanding of being called as an encounter with the divine. In reading Being Called I read Part One as a scientist. In Part Two, however, I read it as a student of the mysteries of life.

Sacrifice: The Shadow in the Calling by Gregg Levoy and Already But Not Yet: Calling And Called In Religious Time by Gordon Bermant seem to bookend the experiences of what is left behind or sacrificed when one is called and what we may be moving toward. These chapters provide food for thought about the transformational elements of the experience of being called.

At a more specific level are two other chapters in this section, which I found profoundly moving. The first of these, Calling Of A Wounded Healer: Psychosis, Spirituality, And Shamanism by David Lukoff was one of the more courageous and dramatic narratives in the book. Dr. Lukoff describes a psychotic experience he had that led to him becoming a clinical psychologist — and later how this experience led directly to his integration of “spirituality and psychological approaches to psychotic episodes as well into the larger mental health system.” Ultimately he and his colleagues were responsible for having a new category accepted into the American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual—IV and DSM 5, the main reference source used by clinicians for making a diagnosis.

The second chapter of fascination in this section was: “I have been anointed and I have fleeced the Lord”: The Contemporary Serpent Handlers of Appalachia and Their Experience of Being Called by God by Ralph W. Hood Jr. Based on over 20 years of research, this chapter looks at a marginalized sect who interpret the words of the King James Bible in Mark 16:17 literally. This passage states: “And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover” (Mark 16:17–18). Through in-depth interviews he studies the fate of families who continue the practice of handling snakes and drinking poison although they have lost fingers, been bitten and hospitalized, and who have endured the death of other family members.

The author’s sensitivity to the culture, belief system and legal parameters of this sect allows the reader to feel invited into a world that seems so inexplicable that it would be easy to dismiss. This is the main strength of the book as a whole. Each chapter has been carefully selected to illuminate a perspective on the phenomenon of being called that hasn’t been fully articulated elsewhere. While it would have made the review too lengthy, I could have identified the virtues of each chapter. The book pushes the envelope of understanding and inquiry into areas largely unexplored by the sciences. It left me wanting more — which, I assume, is a goal of the collection.

The introduction by Martin Seligman, whose thoughtful and empirically informed inquiries are well known — most notably for his work on learned helplessness and positive psychology — describes his interest and personal experience in being called. Like most great scientists there is a personal alignment with their field of study that comes their ownlife experience. Dr. Seligman reveals the contents of his numinous dream that initiates his calling and offers a theoretical framework for understanding how we may be being called to the future. These insights are invaluable. Rather than divulge them here, it is worth it for readers to absorb his reflections directly. What I will say is that Dr. Seligman feels very much called to do his work as a scientist, is responsible for launching this scholarly inquiry, and has a bold theory as to how and why being called happens.

Finally, there is an appendix by J. Hugh Kempster and David Bryce Yaden that introduces a vehicle for advancing our understanding of these experiences. Mystics Anonymous: An Introduction, which I have written about elsewhere, is a meeting for those who have had a mystical experience and are willing to share it with a group. In preparing for this review I attended a meeting of Mystics Anonymous on October 2, 2015. What I found were a collection of about two dozen people whose interest in sharing and understanding their individual experience allowed for a group to form where their stories could be heard without judgment or analysis. What I was left with was the fact that these experiences are common, that there hasn’t been an acceptable forum for them to be expressed, and that they are an important part of human nature. I was not alone. In 2003, Gallup asked respondents if they had had such an experience that profoundly changed the direction of their life. Over 40 percent said they had.

The book is stimulating, thought-provoking, and challenges our understanding of this widespread phenomenon. It should be essential reading for students in business, theology, and psychology. At the professional level, coaches, consultants, and therapists would also do well to acquaint themselves with the rich collection of writing in this volume.

Being Called: Scientific, Secular, and Sacred Perspectives
David Bryce Yaden, Theo D. McCall, and J. Harold Ellens, Eds.
Praeger, 2015
314 pp.
$48



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7 Clever Ways to Shamelessly Regift This Holiday Season

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Tuesday, November 24, 2015

How do they figure out the number of calories in a recipe?

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Learn why adding up the calories in the ingredients and dividing them by the number of servings isn't the full calorie equation at HowStuffWorks.

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Who Should Pay When 
an Airline Sends Passengers 
to the Wrong City?

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december january 2016 you be the judge

Washington, DC, dentist 
Eddy Gamson had always dreamed of visiting the Alhambra palace in Granada, Spain. When he signed up to attend a professional conference in Portugal in September 2013, he decided to head overseas early so 
he could fly to Spain for a few days. He called British Airways (BA) directly to book the flights for him and his partner, Lowell Canaday, cashing in more than 376,000 frequent-flier points for first-class seats. Gamson says he specifically discussed flying to Spain and outlined their itinerary using airport codes. The ticket agent suggested the pair fly from Dulles 
to London’s Heathrow and then to Gatwick because, the agent said, there was a direct flight to Granada from that airport.

On September 8, Gamson and Canaday flew across the Atlantic and boarded their flight to Granada. However, 20 minutes into the flight, they noticed on the monitor that the plane was heading west, back over the ocean. They asked the flight attendant why they weren’t heading south, toward Spain. “We’re going 
to Grenada,” the attendant told them. “In the West Indies.”

Gamson checked his e-ticket. There was no country listed, no airport codes, and no flight duration. There was just one word: Grenada—with an e instead of an a. After much back and forth with BA, it took two days and three flights to get 
the couple back to Lisbon, leaving insufficient time to travel to Spain.

 However, 20 minutes into the flight, they noticed on the monitor that the plane was heading west, back over the ocean.

On September 22, Gamson sent 
a letter to BA customer service explaining that the airline had erroneously booked Gamson and Canaday on a flight to the wrong destination. He asked to be reimbursed for their out-of-pocket expenses (extra flights, hotels, etc.), to be credited for the frequent-flier points they spent, and to be given two round-trip, first-class tickets from Dulles to Spain. BA instead offered to reimburse them for their hotel in Grenada 
and to give each man 150,000 
frequent-flier points.

“I was beside myself,” Gamson says.

On March 7, 2014, Gamson and Canaday represented themselves in 
a suit they filed in DC superior court against BA, claiming breach of contract and negligence and demanding $34,000 in damages for “their ruined vacation trip, lost wages, and other associated expenses.”

On March 28, the case was sent 
to federal court on BA’s request. 
The airline argued that the Montreal Convention, a treaty that governs 
international air travel, protected the airline from certain claims that had been made. BA moved to have the case dismissed.

Should the airline pay for misrouting the couple? You be the judge.

 

THE VERDICT

In his opinion, federal court judge James Boesberg wrote, “This case proves the truth of Mark Twain’s aphorism that ‘the difference between 
the right word and almost the right word is the difference between 
lightning and a lightning bug.’ Except here only a single letter is involved.” He noted that the case was not about aviation law, as BA contended, and sent the case back to trial court. In July, BA filed a motion to dismiss the case, and in an oral order on August 22, 2014, Judge Jeanette Clark tossed it. “She basically said, ‘I’ve flown before. I’ve looked at tickets. You’re at fault,’ ” says Gamson. “We don’t agree with her.” Gamson hired an attorney and, in September 2014, filed a request to appeal. He’s still waiting to find out if it’s been granted. Last September, Gamson and Canaday flew to Spain—and “paid” for the flights with the points BA had given them.

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an Airline Sends Passengers 
to the Wrong City? appeared first on Reader's Digest.



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How False Positives Work (and What They Could Mean for Your Health)

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Depending on the test and other things, a false positive for cancer could be as high as 50 percent. Learn about false positives at HowStuffWorks.

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5 True, Old-Fashioned Christmas Miracles That Will Restore Your Hope for The Holidays

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delivery

The Mail Train’s Gift: A Life-Changing Message

My mother told me this story from World War I many years ago. Christmas 1917 was coming, but because her brother Archie Clikeman was missing in action and presumed dead, the family was not going to celebrate.

The townspeople of Parker, South Dakota, always joked that the small-town postmaster read all the postcards whenever the mail train came into town. On that Christmas Eve, he lived up to his reputation.

The family was always grateful that the postmaster, instead of waiting for the rural mail to go out the day after Christmas, called my grandmother and told her that Archie was being held as a prisoner of war. Archie even wrote on the postcard that he was well.

Of course, my mother said, that turned out to be the best Christmas ever. Archie came home after the war and lived to a ripe old age. —Kay Johnson, Parker, South Dakota

 

christmas-miracle-pennies

Our Pennies Made All the Difference

Many years ago, when I was making 75 cents an hour, my three children asked for bicycles for Christmas, but I couldn’t afford them.

So that January, I put three bikes on layaway. I paid all through the year, but a week before Christmas, I still owed $14.50. The Saturday before Christmas, my son Ricky asked how much I needed. When I told him, he asked if he could pour the pennies out of the penny jug we kept.

I said, “Son, I don’t care, but I know there’s not $14.50 worth of pennies in there.”

Ricky poured them out, counted them, and said, “Mom, there’s $15.50 worth of pennies.” Ecstatic, I told him to count out $1 for gas so I could go get the bikes.

I’ve always thought of this as our little miracle. It was as blessed a Christmas as anyone could ever have. —Dot Williams, Canton, Georgia

 

santasteps

Santa Found Us on the Road

At Christmastime, in 1961, our family was on the way from Seattle to a new assignment on the East Coast, and we checked into a motel in Watertown, South Dakota. It was not the best time to travel with young children, who were concerned about Santa finding us on the road.

We headed into town to find a store, and as our car approached an intersection, there was a Santa right in the crosswalk! He held up his hand for us to stop, and we rolled down our windows.

Santa poked his head through a window and said to our kids, “Oh, there you are! I was wondering where I’d find you tonight.”

Naturally, the kids were thrilled to pieces. They made sure we told Santa which motel we were staying at so he could find them. My wife and I had tucked away gifts for the trip, as we knew we wouldn’t have time to shop along the way.

The cartop carrier and out-of-state license plate might have been a giveaway, but whatever it was, that Santa really made Christmas 1961 a memorable one for our kids. —Dave Grinstead, Bellingham, Washington

Content continues below ad

 

christmas-miracle-tree

Fate Threw a Tree at Us

During the hustle and bustle of Christmastime 1958, we told our children, ages 3 and 4, about the beautiful Christmas tree we would have in a few days. On Christmas Eve, at the bakery we had recently purchased, we counted the receipts, cleaned the shop and headed for home with our two sleepy children.

Suddenly, we remembered we had not gotten a tree. We looked for a vendor who might have a tree left, to no avail.

About a mile from home, we stopped for a red light. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew, and something hit the front of our truck. My husband went out to investigate.

The next thing I knew, my husband was throwing a good-sized evergreen into the back of the truck. He went into the mom-and-pop store at the corner where we were and asked the proprietor how much he wanted for the tree. He said he wasn’t selling Christmas trees that year.

We never did find out how the tree got in the middle of the road, but somehow we feel we know. Incidentally, it was the most beautiful tree we have ever had. —Gertrude Albert, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

 

christmas-miracle-carols

Our Carols Hit the Right Ears

I was with a small group of young guys and gals caroling on Christmas Eve, in 1942 San Diego, California. We wandered downtown to Broadway, the main street, and stopped at a block of green grass with a fountain on the plaza.

The streets were streaming with aimless servicemen, all missing the joy and solace of being home for Christmas.

We began singing familiar Christmas songs, and in a short time, the volume increased markedly. I climbed up onto the rim of the fountain to an astonishing sight—a sea of servicemen on the plaza singing with all their hearts. When a song ended, I started another, just beginning the words, and it was immediately picked up.

We sang every traditional song I could think of and didn’t leave the servicemen until near midnight, carrying a beautiful memory with us. —Winnie Phillips Stark, Modesto, California

 

For more heartwarming memories and incredible true stories from the past, check out our sister publication, Reminisce magazine.

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Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship

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Invisible Chains

While relationships can be problematic for a number of reasons, Lisa Aronson Fontes reminds us that sometimes the hidden issues can be most damaging.

In Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship, Fontes explores coercive control, a term popularly introduced by Evan Stark in a 2007 book by the same name. In essence, it is a largely invisible form of abuse that strips away a victim’s independence, sense of self, and basic rights. While male dominance may have historical roots, controlling another person is the foundation of all abusive relationships, including those that are physically violent.

Fontes expands upon our understanding with several real-life examples, in-depth explanations of controlling behaviors, and exploration of the underlying pathology of coercive control. She also includes a section on specific populations, such as LGBT, teens, and military members. Her writing is clear, and allows complicated concepts to become easily understandable, making her book inviting for both the person trapped in a web of coercive control and the therapist who treats such individuals.

In controlling relationships, victims can often feel like hostages, Fontes writes. Over time, being grilled, criticized, and shamed may come to seem normal. Much of the reason that coercive control is invisible is that the men (though Fontes reminds us that women can also use coercive control) who engage in it often make a good impression in other settings. In fact, this can be one of the many ways in which an abuser manipulates his victim — by making her think she is crazy.

Fontes reminds us that the person who is being controlled cannot reach her full potential. And the control can take many forms. A man can isolate his partner, cutting off her ties to family and friends, cutting off access to employment and money, ruining her reputation, and using technology to monitor her — all with the aim to make her dependent on him. An extreme example of this is coercive entrapment, where a woman “is consumed with trying to figure out how to act better and be more pleasing in a continuing effort to satisfy her partner and escape his punishments.”

Controlling partners can also micromanage everyday life, setting rules that cause another to live in fear of making mistakes. Men can also stalk and monitor their victims, often developing elaborate schemes to know their partners’ whereabouts at all times. They can use physical and sexual violence. They can threaten. They can punish.

Manipulation is another common form of abuse: when a person seeks to, as Fontes puts it, “exert hidden power over another person.” Lying, withholding information, mind games, and gaslighting — which involves attempting to disorient another person and make them think they are crazy — are all forms of it.

Men can also degrade and belittle their partner to the point where the abuser’s physical and social needs seem central at all times. Degradation can include depriving a person of the opportunity to decide when and how to express herself. It can take the form of sexual coercion — where sex is demanded in often increasingly humiliating forms.

There are three factors, Fontes writes, that may lead a man to adopt a controlling posture in his relationship. “First, he has dominating tendencies. Second, he does not respect his partner as a separate human being. And third, he gives himself permission to act in controlling or abusive ways.”

While society generally reinforces the behaviors and ideas that contribute to men using coercive control, Fontes reminds us, control and abuse are always a choice. At the heart of control for many men is the feeling of impotence. For example, a man who is not able to control his environment may take it out on his girlfriend. Men can also feel emotionally numb and use abuse to evoke feelings: when he upsets her, he feels more alive and in control. These men may have a history of trauma. They also may also have a substance abuse problem.

Paradoxically, controlling men are often highly dependent on their partners, misunderstanding how to be in a relationship without control.

And women can become trapped for many reasons. As one of the hallmarks of coercive control is that the controlling partner gets to define the reality, many women second-guess themselves, feel a sense of pity for the abuser — especially when he paints himself as the victim — and become trapped through circumstances (such as lack of resources) and threats of violence.

In the case of teens, many fear what would happen if they were to disclose the abuse. The abuser might retaliate by spreading rumors or damaging photos.

In helping to assess coercive control, Fontes offers a series of questionnaires covering a range of subjects and severity, including isolation, personal activities, resources, intimacy, threats, and lethality. She also helps the reader decipher whether the relationship is fixable. For this, she offers tips, such as setting limits, making a list of goals, making a safety plan, and seeking outside support.

Whether the abusive partner has changed is a major factor in deciding whether to stay or leave, Fontes writes. She provides a list of signs that change has occurred. But should the relationship not be salvageable, Fontes provides guidelines for how to end it. It is of utmost importance that a woman create a safety plan, seek support, and minimize contact with the abuser — as contact, Fontes writes, “will get you entangled again.”

For those struggling to free themselves from the invisible web of control, Fontes’s book may be a life saver. And for any therapist who works with victims of abuse, it should be required reading. 

Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationships
The Guilford Press, March 2015
Paperback, 220 pages
$14.95



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A Dentist Created Cotton Candy? 5 of the Most Ironic Inventions Ever

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Monday, November 23, 2015

Is More Sex Always Better?

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When it comes to sex, the more the better right? Popular perception would suggest that the answer to this question is yes. Media messages often tout the benefits of sex, going as far as to suggest that having sex every day in a relationship might be one route to greater happiness. In a recent set of studies my colleagues and I investigated whether more frequent sex was, in fact, associated with more happiness and found that it was, but only to a point.1

Across three studies of over 30,000 participants, we found that people who reported having more frequent sex in their relationship also reported being happier. But this association was no longer true at frequencies greater than once a week. To be clear, having sex more frequently than once a week was not associated with less happiness, it just wasn’t associated with more happiness on average.



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11 Unforgettable Pieces of Life Advice (In Just 6 Words Each)

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Creative Christmas Tree Decorations: 6 New Ways to Deck Your Tree

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How to Sound Smarter: 10 Vocab Word Swaps That Instantly Impress

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how to sound smarter

1. New Word: Endemic (en-DEM-ik)

Meaning: Belonging to a particular region or people
Instead of: “Them Tasmanian Devils are only found in Tazakistan, I’m pretty sure. And zoos.”
Sound Smarter: “The Tasmanian Devil is endemic only to the Australian island of Tasmania.”

 

2. New Word: Cavil (KAV-uhl)

Meaning: To quibble or nitpick
Instead of: “Well, I guess that’s for the jury to decide.”
Sound Smarter: “I hate to cavil, darling, but I’m fairly sure that man you just hit was riding a Segway, not a scooter.”

 

3. New Word: Parlous (PAHR-lous)
Meaning: Dangerous

Instead of: “This won’t hurt a bit!”
Sound Smarter: “I assure you there is nothing parlous about the intracranial demulsification procedure.”

 

4. New Word: Imbibe (im-BAHYB)

Meaning: Drink; absorb
Instead of: “Let’s go sit on the porch, down a few cold ones and take in the scenery.”
Sound Smarter: “Please join me on the veranda to imbibe some refreshing beverages and enjoy the spectacular ocean view.”

 

5. New Word: Soporific (soh-puh-RIF-ik)
Meaning: Sleep-inducing
Instead of: “I could eat a whole ’nuther helping of pie—but I’m just too pooped.”

Sound Smarter: “Unfortunately, the soporific effects of the turkey, not to mention all the wine I’ve imbibed, prevent me from staying awake long enough to partake of dessert.”

 

how to sound smarter alacrity

6. New Word: Alacrity (uh-LAK-ri-tee)
Meaning: Quick, cheerful enthusiasm
Instead of: “Brian’s a go-getter, isn’t he? I like him. But he kind of bugs me, too.”
Sound Smarter: “Brian’s tendency to approach every task with alacrity made him not only one of the office’s favorite employees, but also one of the most annoying.”

 

7. New Word: Circumspect (SUR-kuhm-spekt)
Meaning: Cautious
Instead of: “Uh, Fred, you might not want to look down that tube.”
Sound Smarter: “Frederick, a more circumspect approach to that fireworks cannon you just lit might be advisable.”

 

8. New Word: Phlegmatic (fleg-MAT-ik)

Meaning: Apathetic; sluggish

Instead of: “Get your lazy butt up off the sofa and answer the phone yourself.”
Sound Smarter: “Guinness World Records just called to let you know you’ve been named Most Phlegmatic Couch Potato.”

 

9. New Word: Enmity (EN-mi-tee)
Meaning: Ill will, hostility, or outright hatred
Instead of: “I hate you! I hate, hate, hate you!”
Sound Smarter: “Be assured, my charming friend, that my enmity for you is outmatched only by my resistance to having my tonsils extracted through my nasal passages.”

 

10. New Word: Temerity (teh-MEHR-eh-tee)

Meaning: Foolhardiness; reckless courage
Instead of: “I don’t know if that was brave or just stupid, what you just did. Did it really eat your cell phone?”
Sound Smarter: “It takes extreme temerity to jump into the grizzly bear enclosure, Jethro. Shall I call an ambulance?”

 

 

uncle john's bathroom readers booksLooking for more amazing facts and good laughs? Check out the latest Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader® titles at bathroomreader.com.

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Gift-giving: ‘Tis the Season to Be Sensitive

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The first Christmas after I was married, my new mother-in-law gave me a steam iron for Christmas.

“Now you can do a better job ironing my son’s shirts,” she said.

“Thank you,” I said through gritted teeth.

The gift was a hint about as subtle as a brick thrown at my head. She wasn’t at all happy with my attitude that a man who wants ironed shirts should iron them himself. I wasn’t about to change my position because of a shiny new iron. Battle lines were drawn.

That was when I was 20. From my perspective as a mature adult, I can rewrite my story. My mother-in-law was coming from a pre-feminist world. From her point of view, she might have been trying to help me become a good wife as she understood the role. Whichever narrative is the truth, it was a gift gone wrong.

Gifts always send a message, regardless of whether that’s the intention. They reflect something about the relationship between the giver and receiver, their values and their circumstances. Does the gift show that the giver chose the gift with care or was it something that could be given to just anyone? Is there an undercurrent of tension between them or a deeply felt sense of knowing? Is the gift an attempt to correct or one-up someone else in the family? Or is it a generous act of kindness? It depends. It’s not the object that sends the message, it’s the context.

A gift certificate for ballroom dance lessons, for example, will be felt as special by a guy who wants them. But it’s a hurtful gesture if given by the sister who fears her brother’s dance moves will embarrass her at her wedding.

In some families, the aunt who gives an expensive anatomically correct doll to her niece will be seen as enlightened and thoughtful. In other families, she would be seen as pushing her agenda on the more conservative mother of the child. A donut machine will be received as a fun gift by someone who loves to bake and who has no food issues. But if the receiver struggles with her weight and is gluten-free, you have to wonder just what was the giver thinking?

Extravagant gifts from an emotionally distant parent may not be well-received by a child who sees them as an attempt to buy him off. To older children or teens, gifts that don’t match their interests only demonstrate yet again how little a parent understands or cares about them.

Even if not hostile, practical gifts aren’t always appreciated unless the recipient has indicated they are wanted. Although helpful, the holiday timing of the help may provoke shame, resentment or sadness. A care package of canned goods may be just what an impoverished relative needs but may be felt as a tactless reminder of the income gap between the giver and receiver. An elderly grandma may prefer a red boa that affirms her young spirit to a warm sweater that makes her feel generic as well as geriatric.

That iron I got from my mother-in-law? The truth is, we needed one but our budget was tight. I would have been far more grateful if she had asked us if buying an iron would be helpful — and especially if she had given it to both of us.

If you are ever tempted to use a gift to send any kind of corrective message — don’t. It will probably be interpreted as the criticism it is. It won’t put someone on a path you think they should go down for their own good. It won’t win a person over to your point of view. It won’t compensate for not spending the time and energy it takes to maintain a good relationship.

Be equally mindful of the potential negative effect of a helpful gift. It isn’t helpful if the person being helped feels offended or diminished by it. If you want to help someone out with money or practical gifts, talk to them about it. A clear, tactful discussion beforehand can make all the difference.

Gift-giving occasions are an opportunity to be your best self; to show how much you care about those you love and to bring people closer to you through thoughtfulness. This doesn’t require a ton of money. It does require a ton of thought. Sensitivity to the personality, interests and circumstances of the recipient is the key to gifting well.

That means taking time out from the pressures of the holiday season to put yourself in the shoes of the receivers and to consider whether intended gifts will communicate what you want them to. Do your homework. If uncertain what this person at this time would appreciate, ask someone who knows. Then make a promise to yourself to be more attentive to the relationship so you’ll know the person better the next time a gifting occasion comes around.

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The Neuropsychology of the Unconscious: Integrating Brain & Mind in Psychotherapy

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The Neuropsychology of the Unconscious

What makes a person stubbornly repeat harmful behavioral patterns over and over again, seemingly unaware of past outcomes? After more than thirty years of clinical and supervisory practice, Efrat Ginot is convinced that the answer lies in the unconscious mind. “[U]nconscious systems are resistant to change,” Ginot writes, and “the resistance is built into the machinery of the brain/mind.”

Despite research advances on mind and behavior, the unconscious remains one of the most elusive features in the psychological repertoire. Many psychological scientists view it as the shadow of the real, though research out of Yale from 2008 suggests the unconscious is not nearly as rigid and deliberative as we once thought. Contemporary cognitive science holds that our unconscious mind processes information through subliminal means, which implies a lack of conscious awareness and a lower range of sophistication.

Perhaps the most influential notion for the Western understanding of the unconscious comes from Sigmund Freud. Although Freud’s investigation of it came from individual case study examinations and was devoid of the scientific rigor we are accustomed to today, it remains the historic foundation upon which Western theories of consciousness are frequently based. Ginot’s book, The Neuropsychology of the Unconscious: Integrating Brain and Mind in Psychotherapy, is no exception.

At first I took this to be yet another book in a long line of reductionist treatises — treatises that espouse the superiority of neuroscience and all things material over that of the qualitative and intuitive nuances required for effective therapeutic intervention. But a closer look showed that my initial notions were, at best, skewed.

Ginot’s book, while at times thickly reductionist, achieves balance. Ginot shows how having a deeper understanding of brain mechanics can improve our work with clients — and how it can enhance our understanding of the unconscious in general. Hers is not a linear argument by any means. Rather, Ginot’s brilliantly researched book comes from a place of genuine sincerity. Her goal is to shed light upon an otherwise dark arena of the brain/mind. Her method of revelation comes not from laboratory trials, but from a reputable career of working with clients and experiencing, through those sessions, how the human mind works within its varied environments.

“There exists a very delicate and shifting balance between the power of repetition and the genuine wish to change,” Ginot writes. What she refers to here may correlate with the “plastic paradox.” Neuroplasticity, as researcher and author Norman Doidge writes in a recent paper, promotes flexibility and change within the neural pathways, demonstrating that the brain remains malleable — despite the rigidity of our conditioned behaviors.

In fact, because of our behavioral rigidity, we tend to project the notion of inflexibility onto the brain. We tend to assume that it, like our unwanted habits/patterns, is also unable to change. Despite our limited thinking, however, the brain itself, as a living organ, remains flexible and capable of change, whether or not we permit our behaviors to exploit those new pathways.

It all sounds very science fiction, to be sure, almost to the point of imagining our lives as composed of many selves, controlled, at times, by the sociocultural patterns we are conditioned to, and at other times by involuntary brain-body mechanisms. But that is precisely what neuroscience has shown our brain/mind experience to be!

Although Ginot treads lightly around the concept of neuroplasticity, she tacitly invokes its presence when she discusses the influence of the unconscious, and the techniques therapists can use to help reprogram behavioral patterns. Hers is an important book because it focuses on how to help the client in practical terms. She looks at how we can apply the revelations from neuroscience to improve lives in clinical practice. (When she speaks of “self-narratives” and the “unconscious” she means it in psychodynamic terms, but her examples can just as easily serve as evidence for plasticity and rigidity and perhaps a multi-layered mind theory.)

But for all the brilliance of Ginot’s research and her years of reputable clinical practice, her book is not very accessible. Part of a professional series from Norton, it may not appeal to the lay reader unless that reader is equipped with a stellar understanding of neuroscientific and psychodynamic concepts. Ginot does offer some explanation of the terminology, but the writing style itself is more akin to scholarly journal-speak than to the fluid, lively, and easy-to-understand prose found in fellow neuropsychology writers like Antonio Damasio and V.S. Ramachandran.

As long as a reader is not intimidated or distracted by Ginot’s expository style, this is a book worth referring to time and again as a guide for turning theory into practice.

The Neuropsychology of the Unconscious: Integrating Brain and Mind in Psychotherapy
W. W. Norton & Company, June 2015
Hardcover, 336 pages
$37.50



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Dead For an Hour and 41 Minutes: The Incredible Rescue of Baby Gardell

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december january 2016 baby in the stream

It’s the first warm day of spring, and the March sun pours over the ridge that borders Doyle and Rose Martin’s rural property outside Mifflinburg, Pennsylvania. Yesterday it rained all day, melting the better part of the long winter’s snow, and what the rain left behind, the sun is taking care of today. Water seeps and trickles down the surrounding slopes, swelling the normally humble creeks until they nearly jump their banks. The stream that runs through the Martins’ yard is usually ankle deep and lethargic, but today it is so spring-riled that it courses angrily beneath the footbridge at startling speed, up to a man’s waist and frigid.

The Martin boys will not squander such a lovely afternoon. After the school bus drops them off, they barge outside to ride bikes, gathering sticks to build a fire. They are what people in some circles call free-range kids; the Martins have eight in all [their youngest boy born just this April], and in keeping with their own upbringings, Doyle and Rose expect their children to learn independence and responsibility, the older ones looking after the younger. Today, Gary, 11, and Greg, seven, are playing with little Gardell, who is not yet two. Doyle, a trucker, is out on the road. Rose is working in the kitchen, where she can frequently check on the boys through the window.

Suddenly Greg bursts through the door, his face streaked with tears. “I can’t find Gardell!” he screams. “He was just with me!”

Rose and her two eldest, Gloria and Grace, charge outside, hollering Gardell’s name. Just to make sure, they check the two outbuildings, but everybody is thinking about that raging stream. Rose dials 911, and the girls call their father. The property echoes with the family’s frantic shouts for Gardell, as mother and children scramble along the banks of the brook, sickened by the speed of that icy gray water.

 

Randall Beachel is washing dishes at his kitchen sink when he looks idly out the window and sees Grace and Gary Martin running alongside the stream where it exits their property. Something’s wrong. Grace is barefoot, no jacket. They’re yelling. He steps outside. “What’s wrong?” he calls to Gary. “We can’t find my little brother!”

Randall’s heart sinks. He runs back inside, tells his wife, Melissa, what’s going on, and pulls on his shoes. Together they rush outside and down the road to where the stream passes through pastureland some eighth of a mile downstream of the Martin place. Randall holds the strands of electric fence wire, ignoring the shocks, as Melissa climbs through. When they reach the brook, Melissa goes downstream and Randall begins following the brook back toward the Martins’, scanning the water’s surface. After a moment, he sees a tiny pair of navy-blue boots partially obscured by brush. A step or two farther, and he sees the whole picture: the little boy, still clad in a hooded snowsuit, hanging bizarrely on his side in the middle of that rushing stream, his face turned away from the current.

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Randall plunges into the brook, gasping involuntarily—the water temperature is around 35 degrees—loses his footing, and blunders into a deep hole. Recovers himself. Pulls the limp little body off what turns out to be a grassy underwater knoll. Staggers back to dry land, hollering, “I found him!” even as he turns the kid over to see if he can drain the water from his mouth and lungs. An ambulance is coming up the road. Randall raises an arm, and it stops.

A paramedic comes racing across the field, and Randall hands the little boy off and stands watching as the rescuer rushes back toward the ambulance, performing CPR as he goes. When Randall reaches the road, the ambulance staff have torn off Gardell’s clothes. One of the paramedics has placed a mask onto the little boy’s face and is hand-pumping air into his lungs; the other is rhythmically compressing the tiny chest to force blood through the body. That’s all Randall sees before the vehicle turns around and speeds toward town. As for Rose, she never gets so much as a glimpse of her son.

The CPR has gone on for more than an hour. “If he survives, it will be a miracle,” says a paramedic.

They’re taking him to Evangelical Community Hospital in nearby Lewisburg, she learns. Within minutes, her sister and brother-in-law arrive at the house, and together they speed toward the hospital. As they rush into the emergency room 15 minutes later, Rose is told they’re transporting him by Life Flight to a trauma center. Through the windows of the waiting area she can see the chopper on the heliport, its interior illuminated, medical workers hunched over what must be Gardell’s body. Her brother-in-law is an EMT, and he can tell that they’re still doing CPR in there—after all this time!—but he says nothing to Rose.

Mike Lesher, the paramedic who first carried Gardell to the ambulance, heads back to the station. The CPR has gone on for more than an hour; typically rescuers give up after less than half that time. “If he survives,” Lesher remarks, “it will be a miracle.”

A moment later, the aircraft lifts off. Rose watches through the window, tears stinging her eyes; she has missed her little one again.

 

Dr. Frank Maffei is preparing for his evening rounds in the pediatric intensive care unit at Geisinger Medical Center’s Janet Weis Children’s Hospital in Danville, some 15 miles from Lewisburg. He gets a call from the ER downstairs: toddler on his way via Life Flight, full cardiac arrest. Worse: CPR ongoing for more than an hour, to no avail. Not promising.

Still, Dr. Maffei and his colleagues leap into action. Upon Gardell’s arrival, they run a breathing tube down the boy’s throat, and four residents line up on his left side to continue CPR: two minutes of chest compressions, move to the back of the line. It’s critical to get Gardell warmed up, so even as the limp little body jiggles and jolts under the force of the chest compressions, other doctors and nurses carefully insert an IV and two catheters to send warm fluids into his body, which is at only 77 degrees.

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A resident turns to Dr. Maffei. “At what point are we going to stop?”

“We’ll stop if we warm him to 90 degrees and he’s still unresponsive,” Dr. Maffei says.

“What about a pH?”

The resident is referring to the acidity of the blood, which spikes when a person stops breathing; a pH lower than 6.8 is considered incompatible with life.

Objectively, he knows that it’s all over. Yet he can’t shake some strange, subjective notion that Gardell is still in there.

Dr. Maffei hears himself answer, “6.5.” It’s an outrageous threshold. A few minutes later, the pH comes back at 6.54. No heartbeat, no breathing, and a low pH: The boy is dead.

Dr. Maffei has been doing this work for 25 years. Objectively, he knows that it’s all over. Yet he can’t shake some strange, subjective notion that Gardell is still in there. “Keep going,” he says.

december january 2016 baby in the stream doctor

Now it’s after 8 p.m., and Gardell remains unresponsive. The doctors move him to the operating room and prepare to put him on a heart bypass machine. They’ve gotten his temperature up to 83 degrees, but the machine will allow them to warm his blood externally and recirculate it, speeding the process. A surgeon stands scrubbed and ready to cut into the little boy’s chest.

“Let’s just do one more pulse check,” Dr. Maffei says, laying his fingertips against Gardell’s femoral artery. To his amazement, there is a pulse. His colleague Dr. Rich Lambert checks the brachial artery—there is a strong pulse there. Excited, they stand in the OR, monitoring Gardell’s pulse for more than an hour, then transfer him to pediatric intensive care.

Dr. Maffei steps out into the waiting area to meet Rose. “Gardell’s alive,” he says. “However, we have to understand that he’s alive after essentially being dead for an hour and 41 minutes.” He needs to manage her expectations: Gardell’s oxygen-starved brain will probably be forever damaged. It’s anyone’s guess as to when—or whether—he will wake up and what function he’ll have when he does.

 

Now it’s the wee hours of the morning. Doyle Martin has gotten in from the highways, and he and Rose are sitting over Gardell’s bed. “Gardell,” Doyle says as he always does when he reaches home, “I came back from trucking to play with you. Do you want to play?”

And to the eternal astonishment of all, the boy opens his eyes and turns his head toward his father—the boy who, eight hours ago, was dead.

Gardell stays in the hospital two more days, under light sedation. He’s kept at a cool 90 degrees to prevent his brain tissue from swelling. He begins opening his eyes more frequently, obviously aware of his surroundings. The breathing tube is removed. He’s weaned off the sedation. On the fourth day, a Sunday, he returns home. Within a week, he’s playing with his siblings. “You would never know anything happened,” Rose says.

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So how did a little boy who, by every objective measure, was dead for nearly two hours come back to life unscathed? To the Martins and many others, Gardell’s survival was simply a miracle. Rose points out that his pulse returned just as local church groups were meeting to pray on his behalf. Physiologically, the key to Gardell’s survival was the fact that he nearly drowned in ice water. “Hypothermia imparts a degree of protection from the detrimental effects of low blood flow and low oxygen,” Dr. Maffei says.

Read More: Frozen Back to Life: How Hypothermia Can Help Cheat Death

The severe cold stopped Gardell’s heart, but it also saved his brain, just as you might put an amputated finger on ice until you can reattach it. At a higher temperature, Gardell’s brain cells would surely have died for lack of oxygen; as it was, they could wait—at least for an hour and 41 minutes. But no one involved in the rescue has ever seen such an extreme case.

Randall Beachel, the neighbor who pulled Gardell from the stream, sometimes looks over at the Martin place and chuckles at the sight of the towheaded youngster kicking dirt around in the garden or chasing his brothers. It’s simple to him too. “It’s truly a miracle,” he says. “Truly a miracle.”

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5 Celebrities You Never Knew Were Real-Life Spies

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julia-child-spy

1. Julia Child: The Chef with a Taste 
for Adventure

Julia Child wasn’t always into French cooking. As she famously recounted in her autobiography, My Life in France, it wasn’t until she lived in Paris in her mid-30s that she learned what good food tasted like.

How did Child keep busy before that? By performing equally inventive work for the Office of Strategic Services (OSS), the U.S. government’s precursor to the CIA. Child joined the spy outfit in 1942 after discovering that the Women’s Army Corps had 
a height limit; at six feet two inches, she was too tall to serve. Luckily, the OSS was a perfect fit. One of Child’s first assignments was to help cook up a shark repellent to protect underwater explosives from being set off by curious creatures. By all accounts, she excelled at her work. Following 
a stint in the OSS lab, Child went to Ceylon (now Sri Lanka) and then 
to China, where she worked as chief of the OSS Registry. As such, she 
enjoyed top security clearance and even a little danger. (The CIA remains mum about exactly what she did.)

One of Child’s first assignments was to help cook up a shark repellent to protect underwater explosives from being set off by curious creatures.

Working at the OSS also turned out to be a recipe for love. Julia fell for another OSS officer, Paul Cushing Child. After the two got hitched in 1946, Julia quit her job, while Paul continued to work for the government. Within two years, he was transferred to the U.S. Information Agency in France, where Julia took up cooking to occupy her time. 
The rest is culinary history.

 

harry-houdini-spy

2. Harry Houdini: The Magician Who Spied 
His Way to Stardom

At the start of his career in the late 19th century, Harry Houdini gained notoriety by waltzing into police 
stations and demanding that officers lock him up. It was a great publicity stunt. Every time he ditched the cuffs, he made headlines—and eventually caught the eye of American and British intelligence agencies. According to a 2006 biography, both the Secret Service and Scotland Yard used Houdini to gather sensitive information for them during his tours across Europe and Russia.

In return for his services, the book claims, Houdini asked for one thing: publicity. Scotland Yard superintendent William Melville, who notes Houdini’s cooperation in his diary, helped him set up escape stunts in front of London theater managers.

 

roald-dahl-spy

3. Roald Dahl: The Ladies’ Man Who Fell 
in Love with Writing

Long before he wrote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl was 
a fighter pilot for the British Royal Air Force during World War II. But after sustaining several injuries in a 1940 crash, Dahl was transferred to a desk job at the British embassy in Washington, DC. He quickly charmed his way into high society and became so popular among DC ladies that British intelligence came up with a new role for him: seducing powerful women and using them to promote Britain’s interests in America.

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It wasn’t all fun and games. Clare Booth Luce, a prominent U.S. representative married to Time magazine founder Henry Luce, was so frisky in the bedroom that Dahl begged to be let off the case. In the end, however, his work with the ladies paid off. Dahl not only rallied support for Britain at a time when many Americans didn’t want the country to enter the war, but he also managed to pass valuable 
stolen documents to the British government.

British intelligence came up with a new role for him: seducing powerful women.

While penning propaganda and war stories in American papers, Dahl discovered something else: 
his own talent for writing.

robert-baden-powell-spy

4. Robert Baden-Powell: The Boy Scout with a Merit Badge in Sneakiness

“Be Prepared” figures into the codes of both spies and Boy Scouts, so 
you may not be surprised to learn that the Scouts were founded by an illustrious British agent, Lord Robert Baden-Powell.

In 1899, Baden-Powell made a name for himself during the Second Boer War in South Africa when he faced a 217-day siege by a Boer army of 8,000 men. Wholly outnumbered, he used props, cunning, and deception to defend the territory of Mafeking. He ordered his men to plant fake mines on the edge of town and pretend to avoid barbed wire to throw off the enemy. Because he was short on troops, he enlisted all the young boys in town as guards. Somehow, he managed to protect the territory until reinforcements finally arrived.

The story made Baden-Powell a hero in England, and in 1907, he used his new fame to kick-start the scouting movement. Soon he was helping set up Boy Scout troops across the globe. All the while, it’s rumored that Baden-Powell remained active in the military, spying wherever he toured.

lucky-luciano-spy

5. Lucky Luciano: The Mobster with the 
Heart of a Patriot

As head of the Genovese crime 
family, Charles “Lucky” Luciano smoothed out the Mafia’s rough edges and turned families of thugs into well-oiled organized-crime 
machines. He also ended up working for U.S. intelligence.

In 1936, Luciano was sentenced 
to 30 to 50 years in prison. But in 1942, the government discovered 
it needed his help. A French ocean liner, the Normandie, was being 
converted into a troop ship when 
it suddenly caught fire and sank. 
Officials suspected sabotage, since many of the dockworkers were under the Mafia’s thumb, but they needed an in, and Luciano was the key.

Soon any supposed sabotage 
on the docks ended. In exchange, 
Luciano enjoyed preferential treatment for the rest of his time in prison.

Luciano continued to help 
American forces for the remainder 
of World War II, using his Mafia 
contacts in Sicily to expose Nazi 
battle plans. After he served only ten years in prison, his sentence was commuted, and he was deported to his birthplace of Italy. Before he died there in 1962, he told two biographers that he’d had his own men set fire 
to the Normandie in a plot to force his release. But as the New York Times noted, Luciano was “known 
to exaggerate his own cleverness.”

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