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Thursday, December 31, 2015

When and How to Find a Couples Therapist

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If you and your partner are having the same old arguments and can’t seem to get past them, couples therapy is in order. If you are feeling distant from your partner, regularly misunderstood, angry and resentful, or like your partner is no longer interested in you or in the relationship, couples therapy is more likely to help than individual work. If your sex life has diminished and you long for more intimacy, that too is more responsive to couples work. If one of you has cheated but you want to save the relationship, couples therapy may be the answer.

Couples therapy can help — provided your partner is at least willing to give it a try. A good couples therapist will help the two of you get on the same team to solve your problems instead of on different teams, fighting with each other. Good couples therapy can help you each learn how to support and heal the other. In the process, you may heal your relationship and send it in a more positive direction.

It’s important to be aware that few graduate programs in psychology, social work or counseling are designed to provide the training and supervision necessary for being an effective couples therapist. Most therapists, therefore, learn how to work with couples by going to workshops and in-service trainings. This does not necessarily mean that the therapist is unqualified. It does mean it falls on you to look for a therapist who has specific credentials to do couples work.

Licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFTs) have a master’s or doctoral degree in marriage and family therapy and at least two years of clinical experience. Each state has credentialing requirements for obtaining a license in marriage and family therapy. Some states grandfathered in some therapists who met some specific criteria when licensing for doing couples work was established in that state. Specific information can usually be found on your state’s licensing board’s website.

How to find a couples therapist:

  • The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) is the professional organization for clinicians who do couples work. Use the therapist locator tab on their website as a place to start your search for a qualified therapist.
  • Refer to your insurance company’s list of preferred providers.
  • Is there a university near your home? If so, consider calling the psychology department to ask if there is free or low-cost couples therapy available through their graduate program. Graduate students provide treatment under the supervision of experienced instructors. Determine if the training is specifically geared to couples work. Such programs often also are aware of graduates who have stayed in their geographical area to either join clinic staff or open a private practice.
  • Is there a community mental health clinic near you? If so, the intake department generally knows the credentials of therapists on staff. They often also have a referral list of private therapists and their specialties in their area as well.
  • Ironically, it is often the divorce lawyers who are most aware of therapists in their area who do well with couples. A responsible lawyer will respect your intention to try therapy before making a final decision to separate or divorce. You can also ask your doctor or clergy to suggest names of therapists.
  • Don’t forget to ask friends, family members and colleagues for recommendations. Often they are the best source of information either because they themselves have worked with a therapist or they know someone who has done so.

What to ask when you call for an appointment

Ask if the therapist is licensed as a marriage and family therapist.

If not, ask how the therapist has gained training and whether she or he has followed up with supervision specifically geared to couples work.

Ask how long the therapist has worked with couples and what percentage of the practice is with couples. Don’t hesitate to ask a prospective therapist how many couples improve and stay together; how many separate or divorce.

Bear in mind that not all separations are failures of treatment. Sometimes it is in the best interest of both members of the couple to separate as amicably as they can. Ask whether those who separated did so in a healthy way for both partners and for any children involved.

Ask the therapist to also share his or her philosophy and attitudes about marriage. It’s sobering to me that studies have shown that fully 40 percent of couples who divorce later regret the decision. If you want support for staying married, make sure the therapist believes in marriage as an institution and sees it as a legitimate goal to help people who once loved each other enough to marry (and perhaps have children) find that love, trust and connection once again.

What if my partner won’t go?

There are many possible reasons a person is reluctant to start couples work. Sometimes the conversation about therapy becomes part of the fight. Sometimes the partner is afraid of being blamed. Sometimes, there is a fear of stigma if someone else finds out. And sometimes a partner has already given up on the relationship. Generally, pressing the issue with a resistant partner only makes it less likely they will participate.

Instead, make an appointment with the couples therapist and go. The therapist may help you find more effective ways to talk with your partner about the importance and possibilities of couples work. You may also learn how you, however inadvertently, have been contributing to the problems in your relationship. If your partner sees you making new efforts, he or she may feel friendlier about starting to do some couples work with you.

What if one of you is already in therapy?

Sometimes it’s appropriate for a therapist who has been doing the individual work with one partner to move into couples work with both people. But sometimes a new therapist is needed because the partner feels at a disadvantage if he or she goes into sessions where the therapist already has a relationship with the spouse. It’s essential that the decision about who to see for treatment is a careful and shared one.

Many couples therapists recommend that you suspend individual therapy if you are working on couples problems. Individual problems as they impact your life as a couple can be addressed in the course of the couples work. If one or both members of the couple simultaneously do individual work, there is a risk that the material from the couples therapy will be processed in the individual sessions rather than in the couple session where it belongs.

Does couples therapy work?

It depends on both the expertise of the therapist and the willingness of the couple to work on their relationship and make changes.

According to the AAMFT (American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy), most couples who seriously engage in treatment do report increased satisfaction with their relationship and recommitment to their partner. Even when couples separate or divorce, they often report that counseling helped them do so with less animosity and more lessons learned.

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The 2016 Next Fitness Star Workout Is the Most Intense Yet

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Nikki Metzer's 15-minute routine will help you carve out your fiercest body ever.

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10 Excellent Ways to Spend That $25 Gift Card to Sephora

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Leave the store without having to shell out a cent of your own.

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What's to Come in Dicks: 8 Penis Predictions for 2016 : What's to Come in Dicks: 8 Penis Predictions for 2016

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We see peens aplenty in your future.

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Healthy Couple Takes it Too Far and Serves Green Juice at Their Wedding

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Um, there was no CAKE.

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Should You Be Freaking Out About E. Coli?

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Does the recent outbreak at Chipotle have you in a panic? Here's what you need to know.

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Why This Dietician Has Banned the Term ‘Guilt-Free’ from Her Food Vocabulary

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Listen up: Her logic checks out.

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What Your Favorite Music Artists Say About Your Sex Life

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So, you like Madonna and Kanye West? Interesting...

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6 People in Long Term Relationships Share How They Keep it Hot

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What's the secret in their sauce?

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Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Why Rejection Isn’t All about You

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When someone you care about ends a relationship, it can evoke feelings that range from disbelief to despair and everything in between. “How could this happen?” you think. “There must be something wrong with me.”

The same is true when someone with whom you’d like to explore a relationship doesn’t return the interest. “I thought I had a lot to offer—but maybe not.” When this happens—and we say “when” because it happens to nearly everyone—it’s easy to interpret the event as a painful rejection of the most personal kind. This interpretation isn’t merely hurtful; it can limit your future happiness, creating wounds and barriers that—if unchecked—can keep you from finding true love in the future.

For these reasons and more, when you’re interested in someone and that relationship ends (or doesn’t begin) it’s important to embrace a healthy perspective on what has just occurred. Here are some considerations to help you do just that:

1. Just the facts, ma’am. When a relationship comes to an unfortunate end, stick to the facts. Avoid piling on self-deprecating opinions like “This means I’m not worth loving,” or “Now I’ll never find someone to love,” or “I must not be very attractive.” These messages are not only untrue, but they can also generate even more pain than the loss of the person you cared about. In fact, if you find yourself more upset about what this breakup “says about you” than about the loss of the person you cared about, you are clearly heaping on self-condemnation and it’s time to alter your self-talk, even if that means seeking therapy to help you embrace a positive perception.

2. Realize that sometimes love simply runs out. When a breakup happens, that doesn’t mean you are flawed, nor does it mean you’ve failed. It may not even be about you at all. Sometimes, in the early stages, love just fades. It’s not necessarily about either partner. This is why it’s rarely wise to make a lifetime commitment within weeks of falling in love—the feeling may dissipate. It takes time to see if the love you share is the permanent kind. And if it’s not, it isn’t a statement about you at all. It simply means the relationship ran its course, and it’s better to discover that while dating than after a trip down the aisle.

3. Typically, breakups are more about a clash in vision than they are about any one person. Choosing to end a relationship usually occurs when one partner realizes something is out of sync with his or her vision for the future. We all have expectations about what we want from a long-term relationship, and sometimes reality doesn’t match up with those expectations. When that happens, it doesn’t mean that YOU are deficient or inadequate in some way; it simply means that WE together don’t have the necessary ingredients for an enduring partnership.

When someone you care about ends a relationship or declines to start one at all, the loss of that real (or potential) partnership is painful enough. So don’t add to the hurt by buying into the myth that it’s all about you.

About Ashley and eH+:

eH+Ashsuit09102014-15eHarmony’s service, eH+ , gives you the benefit of a personal matchmaker who picks your matches and guides you to success. We’re taking the best of what eHarmony does and combining that with what personal matchmakers do best – person-to-person conversation, opportunities for feedback, and coaching to put your best foot forward.

Learn More about eH+.

eHarmony users, be sure to include your phone number in your account information so that Ashley can contact you if you are a match for an eH+ client.

The post Why Rejection Isn’t All about You appeared first on eHarmony Advice.



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Rightsize… Right Now! The 8-Week Plan to Organize, Declutter & Make Any Move Stress-Free

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Rightsize... Right Now! The 8-Week Plan to Organize, Declutter & Make Any Move Stress-Free

Out of all the big stressors in life, having to move tops the list for many people. Whether you’ve lived in your home for a few decades or less than a few years, having to face the daunting task of organizing and packing up your accumulated belongings can send even the most organized person into a heightened state of anxiety. Add to that the logistics of the move itself — transporting your goods, closing down your current household, and setting up a new household — and you’ve got the potential for an overwhelming life event.

In Rightsize… Right Now! The 8-Week Plan to Organize, Declutter, and Make Any Move Stress-Free, author and professional organizer Regina Leeds seeks to guide readers through the process with minimal stress.

I was immediately impressed by Leeds’s easygoing, humorous approach. Instead of getting a lecture, which I’ve come to expect from those who love a tidy and organized space, I got plenty of guidance, which was broken down into a series of eight weeks.

Leeds has spent many hours organizing homes for a living, and has overseen moves for many of her clients. She clearly understands the challenges of moving a household, and has great suggestions and guidelines for navigating the pitfalls and maximizing the opportunities of a big move.

Throughout each section, Leeds provides a soothing, step-by-step guide to dealing with the clutter that builds up as we live in our homes. In addition to general guidelines for tackling each room, the book includes powerful tips for handling two of my personal nemeses: paperwork, and handed-down items and memorabilia.

Leeds also provides multiple lists of resources for how to deal with possessions you won’t be taking to your new home: shredding services, companies that take donations, how to sell your unwanted items, and whom to call if you simply want it hauled away from your current house. As she wisely points out, once you begin to clear your home of the items that won’t be making the move with you, the energy in the rooms will feel lighter, which in turn will give you more energy as you go through this life transition.

As I read, I kept marveling at how Leeds really does think of everything — down to packing your clothing in boxes that can be returned to the mover, how to minimize stress on your pets throughout the move, and what to do with all those pesky old tax receipts. Although I usually find such detailed books overwhelming, Leeds does such a wonderful job of providing the information in a user-friendly format that I was able to easily absorb the information as I read.

I’m confident that if our family ends up facing a move in the near future (a possibility on the horizon for us), I’ll have no trouble going back through the book as I pack.

Indeed, if you are planning to move, I would suggest reading this book in its entirety before you begin packing, if possible, and then revisiting each section as you follow the plan. You’ll find yourself grateful for that extra voice reminding you what to handle each week, a voice that you can pick up or put down in the form of a book — rather than an overly helpful relative or stressed-out member of the household who happens to be making the move with you.

Rightsize… Right Now!: The 8-Week Plan to Organize, Declutter, and Make Any Move Stress-Free
Da Capo Lifelong Books, March 2015
Paperback, 256 pages
$15.99



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Infographic: What is the Ultimate Commitment?

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Tatiana Arevalo is a student at The University of Texas at Austin and is majoring in Honors in Advanced Human Development and Family Sciences. She is currently an Undergraduate Research Assistant in the Loving Lab and is interested in exploring more on same sex facial attraction.


 

Kacie Kerlee is a student at the University of Texas at Austin and is an Honors in Advanced Human Development and Family Sciences major. She is currently a research assistant in the Loving Lab investigating the effects of the method of breakup. 



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The 4 Moves You Need in Order to Own the Weight Room in 2016

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Let's do this.

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Men and Women Share the Telltale Signs They're Falling in Love

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Play this video for feels galore.

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The Year in Penises: 12 Times Dicks Made Headline News

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We sure will miss you, 2015.

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10 Truths About Eating Disorders from Someone Who Had One

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A survivor—and licensed therapist—lays it all out.

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Peace Out, 'Bikini Body'—We're Kicking You Off of Our Covers for Good

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The term just doesn't fly with Women's Health anymore.

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5 Healthy Food Trends That Will Rule 2016

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Kale is so last year.

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Is Bill Clinton's Sexual History Hillary Clinton's Problem?

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Donald Trump thinks so.

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9 Lipsticks That'll Survive a Makeout Session : 9 Lipsticks That'll Survive a Makeout Session

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Seriously, these babies will last for hours on end.

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Here's Everything You Need to Know About The 20/20 Diet (Including Whether It Works)

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Dr. Phil's weight-loss plan was the top diet trend on Google in 2015.

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Fresh Off the Boat's Constance Wu Shares Her Workout Essentials

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Sneak a peek inside her exercise bag.

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Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Are You a Pleasure Pig?

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Our cat Yoda is nicknamed “the pleasure pig.” Yoda demands massive amounts of attention, belly rubs, cheek scratches, and snacks of his favorite baby food, which we call “Yoda’s Crack.”  The other day, I watched my husband Brian give Yoda a yoga stretching massage and silently wished that I was as good at demanding pleasure as Yoda is!

I think it’s safe to say that there is always room in life for more love and more pleasure; and whether you have a partner or not, there are lots of ways to activate and create more loving and pleasurable feelings.

Here’s how:

When you want to feel more love, you can consciously do it by actively releasing the hormone oxytocin into your brain. Known as the “bonding” chemical, oxytocin is really good for you. According to love master Dr. John Gray, women need to constantly rebuild their “oxytocin levels.”  Oxytocin is the bonding hormone essential for women in their ability to give and receive love.

Why is this important?

Stress is one of the main reasons we become depleted in oxytocin, so taking simple steps to rebuild it is necessary to maintain a happy, healthy lifestyle. And as you already know, dating and mating can be stressful, especially for women. Learning to be a pleasure pig and filling up your oxytocin tank not only reduces stress and gives you resiliency, but it also puts you in a state of readiness to give and receive love.

Taking time for long, warm bubble baths, receiving massages, listening to music, dancing, walking in nature, having a quiet cup of tea, going for mani-pedi’s, getting your hair done, enjoying a perfect piece of chocolate (or your favorite treat)…these are a few ways to add pleasure to your daily life that also rebuild oxytocin.

A big bonus: Oxytocin can be generated lots of ways, and the more you have, the better you will feel.

It’s well known that a simple hug, gazing into the eyes of someone you care about, or petting your dog or cat will boost your oxytocin level. Going shopping also does the trick. Even if you don’t buy anything, just looking at and touching beautiful items makes a difference.

If consciously adding pleasure to your daily life doesn’t come naturally to you, I would suggest a little experiment: For the next 7 days, decide to add at least 15–20 minutes of pleasure…all for you. And as you create your to-do list, put YOU on the top of that list, then watch what happens! Become a pleasure pig like Yoda!

By taking the time to add pleasure to your life, you’ll be calmer, happier, and more receptive to enjoying and attracting love at every level. When we’re relaxed and in the flow, it’s a zillion times easier to access and emit our positive emotions.

For practical, real-world tips for sustaining a life of love, check out my new book, Turn Your Mate into Your Soulmate.

 

FORD_Soulmate_3DAbout Arielle Ford

Arielle Ford is a gifted writer and the author of ten books including her latest, Turn Your Mate into Your Soulmate: A Practical Guide to Happily Ever After, and the international bestseller, The Soulmate Secret: Manifest The Love of Your Life with the Law of Attraction. She has been called “The Cupid of Consciousness” and “The Fairy Godmother of Love.” She lives in La Jolla, California with her husband/soulmate, Brian Hilliard, and their feline friends. Visit her at www.ArielleFord.com

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A Matter of Recovery: The Story of C.B. Miller

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A Matter of Recovery: The Story of C.B. Miller

With a few minutes at the computer, it’s easy enough to gather a vast number of facts on traumatic brain injury (TBI). It’s possible to research causes, symptoms, and treatment. But, if someone in your life, whether family or friend, has been diagnosed with TBI, all those facts won’t really give you a roadmap to ensure the best outcome.

In A Matter of Recovery: The Story of C.B. Miller, Wes Skillings provides the guidelines needed to make sense of all the data. But this book is so much more than just a handbook. It portrays a personal journey and gives hope to readers navigating what can be a tangle of emotions, red tape, and misinformation.

This narrative of triumph over tragedy begins on the night of July 21, 1994, with C.B.’s fall from a third-floor balcony as the railing he leaned against gave way. C.B., a twenty-one-year-old college student, was attending Wilkes College and working toward becoming a high school history teacher and coach. He fell forty-two feet to the concrete below, landing on the left side of his head. The most severe injury incurred was the destruction of the left side of his brain. Other issues that had to be addressed included a broken wrist and a bruised kidney, considered “minimal physical damage” given the distance he had fallen.

But this horrific occurrence was not the end of C.B.’s life or his ability to function as a productive member of society. Quite the opposite. As detailed in this tale of resurgence, the accident was the beginning of his new life, or, as C.B. refers to it, his rebirth.

Of course, C.B. was not able to achieve this rehabilitation without a tremendous amount of support from family, friends, and members of the community.

First and foremost among his supporters were his parents, Mike and Sharon Miller. Mike, a chemist by profession, became C.B.’s chief advocate, whether researching the best type of therapy or battling the insurance company to ensure the time allotted for both inpatient and outpatient treatment was sufficient for the best possible recovery. And during the first months after the accident, Sharon rarely left C.B.’s side.

C.B.’s siblings also provided support. His brother, Michael, a recent graduate of medical school, was able to act as a liaison between the medical team providing treatment and his parents, while also offering invaluable guidance.

But the assistance didn’t stop with family. Many of C.B.’s classmates visited him in the hospital, speaking and reading to him in order to stimulate his brain while he was in a coma.

And then there were the members of the small town where the Millers resided who would drive him to therapy sessions after he was released from inpatient care and living at home. Of course, the excellent medical and therapeutic care he received was key to his recuperation, too.

Above all, though, it was C.B. himself who brought about his significant recovery through his willingness to not only endure the grueling physical, occupational, and speech therapy but to meet each challenge with determination and tenacity.

Although 1994 doesn’t seem all that long ago, the conventional treatment for TBI was quite different at that time. Mike Miller’s idea that “there should be no time limit, no cut-off point, on regaining brain functions” clashed with the standard belief that any significant recovery would take place within the first year.

Time would prove Mike Miller right. Today, that window has been extended to two years and “gradual improvement after those two years” is now accepted as possible.

Over the past twenty years, there have also been improvements in treatment, such as relieving the pressure on the brain by removing part of the skull, which was not done in 1994.

For anyone who wants to understand the impact TBI can have on both the patient and everyone around them, this book deserves a read. Other readers may be interested, too, in both the positive personal story and the medical details. For example, Skillings writes about C.B.’s recuperation from expressive aphasia, a condition that can affect not only TBI patients, but also stroke victims.

The story of someone who has suffered TBI could be quite depressing. But here, Skillings tells a true, heartwarming tale.

A Matter of Recovery: The Story of C.B. Miller
LifeRichPublishing, October 2014
Paperback, 200 pages
$14.99



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John Krasinski Talks About Having New Muscles in Private Places

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The star of the upcoming film, 13 Hours, and proud owner of fresh abs answers our Qs on fitness, love, and bromance.

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6 of the Oddest Public Displays of Apology in 2015

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Is it too late to say sorry now?

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How to Piece a Relationship Back Together After Someone Cheats

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Five things you and your significant other can do to heal and move on.

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How to Get a Great Core Workout During Any Exercise : How to Get a Great Core Workout During Any Exercise

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Yes, ANY.

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Why Penises Don’t Like the Cold

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"Unless it's 60 degrees or warmer, I'm not leaving the house." —said every penis, ever.

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Guys Reveal What Really Goes Down at Bachelor Parties

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There are definitely hangovers, but rarely face tattoos.

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Fact: Half of Your Canned Food Donations Get Dumped

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Consider this info the next time you go to clear out your pantry.

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Why So Many Women Body-Shame Themselves

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Plus, how to squash the habit.

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7 Unexpected Health Resolutions Doctors Want You to Make in 2016 : 7 Unexpected Health Resolutions Doctors Want You to Make in 2016

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This is not a drill.

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Should You Be Blow-Drying Your Face Every Day?

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Beauty pros share their inside secrets for setting makeup.

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Five Ways to Make Your New Year’s Resolutions Stick

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Follow through with your New Year’s plans and start the year off fresh with these easy guidelines to help you reach your goals.

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Monday, December 28, 2015

Shades of Blue: Writers on Depression, Suicide & Feeling Blue

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Shades of Blue: Writers on Depression, Suicide & Feeling Blue

Often, those who have never experienced depression believe it is a fleeting thing, one with no power to destroy the natural flow of a person’s life.

They are wrong.

In Shades of Blue: Writers on Depression, Suicide, and Feeling Blue, editor Amy Ferris has gathered stories of depression in a book that illustrates the emotional, psychological, social, and even physiological tolls depression can take. The book aims to normalize the experience of depression and suicidal thinking and enlighten the reader about the day-to-day experiences of what often feels like a deep, dark pit.

Ferris begins by recounting her own experiences with depressed mood, feelings of anhedonia, lack of motivation, and suicidal ideation. “I was young, much younger and so sad,” she writes. “I was miserable and unhappy and felt all alone in the world. I felt like nobody knew what it was like, this damp darkness. Everything was pitch black. It was dark and lonely, and the best way I can describe how I felt at that time in my life was like being in the middle of a forest, and it’s eerily dark, and you don’t know which way to turn so you take baby steps. Teeny steps because you don’t know where you are, and you can’t see anything, and you don’t know how to find your way out, and reach out for something to touch, but it’s not there.”

According to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, depression affects about 14.8 million adults. In Ferris’s case, she admits that she has always thought of suicide as a way out of her pain. Some days, she writes, “I wanted to die” — though other days, she wanted to live, and with passion. “And then what I found out, I found out that you gotta save your own life,” she writes. “Because the person holding your hand, they can get really tired.”

As a therapist, for many of my child and adolescent clients, I refer to depression as dark-colored glasses. When you are depressed, you can never quite see the truth, that there is hope. You can become numb to life and begin to lose the ability to feel present, engaged, or included. The human mind just simply checks out.

But the wonderful thing about writers who create books like this is that although they share the pits of darkness with readers, they also share the insight and hope that they have developed over time. They share healing words of inspiration that can motivate readers to make a necessary change, hold on to hope a little longer, seek true purpose, and live life more fully.

Despite the depression, despite the suicidal urges, despite the self-injurious thoughts and behaviors, the writers of these essays validate what may be the reader’s experience and educate them while also motivating them to find purpose. And for readers who have not been depressed, the writers show what it is really like.

Each essay provides a different vantage point. One writer, Beverly Donofrio, shares her ordeal of becoming a convicted felon who feels trapped by the confines of poverty, lower socioeconomic status, and being the (formerly) teenage mother of a young boy who needed her. She recounts her struggle with depression amid very tough experiences.

Overall, Ferris has compiled a multitude of touching, powerful stories of difficulty tinged with hope. Aside from some choppy sentences that may distract the reader, this is a worthwhile collection for mental health professionals and lay readers alike.

Shades of Blue: Writers on Depression, Suicide, and Feeling Blue
Seal Press, September 2015
Paperback, 256 pages
$16 



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New Year’s Resolutions: Good Intentions or Real Commitment?

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Now is the accepted time to make your annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. ~ Mark Twain

The quotation is attributed to the great American writer Mark Twain, but scholars track versions of it much further back. In 1855, Henry G. Bohn included it in A Hand-book of Proverbs. In 1791, James Boswell mentioned it in The Life of Samuel Johnson LL.D.. In 1670, the English theologian John Ray used the version that Johnson quoted a century later. It is also found in the 1150 writings of Saint Bernard of Clairvaux. Somewhere around 50 BCE, the ancient Roman, Virgil, used it in the Aeneid, one of his major works.

Some version just keeps showing up. Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Sir Walter Scott, Søren Kierkegaard, and Karl Marx all used some variant of the phrase.

My guess is that the sentiment goes as far back in time as when humans first had the leisure to think philosophical thoughts. Why? Because people, at their core, haven’t really changed all that much over the centuries. Our basic instincts, gifts and failings are the same, though expressed differently according to our times. Our desire to be better than we are or, failing that, to look better than we are, sometimes exceeds our commitment to engage in actual self-improvement. This is especially true if doing so requires actions that might be a bit uncomfortable or difficult.

New Year’s Day on January 1 puts us up against that very human tension between wanting to do better and being reluctant to do so. How many people have for how many years said that they wanted to quit smoking, lose 10 pounds, start a fitness program or spend more time with their kids and less time at work? But while 49 percent of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, only about half of them achieve even a little success. Only eight percent actually achieve their goal. Eight percent! The problem doesn’t lie with our intentions to try to be better. The problem is one of commitment.

To try is not to succeed. Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, a famous Adlerian psychologist, had a ready response whenever a client told him that he or she would try to do something different. “Try?” he’d say. “Try getting out of that chair you are sitting in.” Of course the person would start to rise from the chair. Dr. Dreikurs would respond, “No. I said ‘try.’ As soon as you lift your bottom off the seat, you are doing it, not trying to do it. The question is not whether you will try to stand but whether you will keep going until you are no longer in the chair.”

Trying can let us mask our fears or our unwillingness to actually do something new. As long as we can claim that we are trying our best, no one can fault us for our lack of success in making change. We can fool ourselves as well.

Sometimes it doesn’t really matter. Ultimately, it isn’t that important if we lose that last five pounds or finally take up ballroom dance. As long as our physical or mental health or our relationships aren’t damaged, it’s not a tragedy if we give up on a goal within a few weeks, saying to ourselves that we will try again at a later time. But if physical or emotional health is at stake, trying just doesn’t cut it.

The key to moving past good intentions and actually achieving a stated goal is doing instead of trying. It is making the commitment to take positive, observable action. Getting out of a chair (or habit) means standing up. Thinking about it, making half-hearted attempts, or flailing about with activity that doesn’t add up to much doesn’t count.

Starting an exercise program or a diet or a more positive relationship means actually doing the things that will make a difference. Fortunately, there are people who study such things. They’ve identified actions that can help us succeed.

If you really want to make a change in your life this year, give up trying and start doing. These strategies will help.

  • Write it down — and be specific about it.
    People who write down the goal and track their progress with a daily diary are 10 times more likely to achieve it.
  • Make it public.
    No, that doesn’t mean taking out an ad in the local paper. But it does mean telling people who matter and who can support you in your efforts.
  • Find a buddy.
    Many of us would let ourselves sink back into our old ways within weeks if left to our own devices. It’s too easy to give up on a daily run, for example, if the only person who cares is you. But if your friend is waiting for you on the corner, it will give you the extra motivation you need.
  • Break a large goal into smaller parts.
    If you break a large goal into smaller, achievable parts, and reward yourself somehow for each success, you’re more likely to do it. Running a 5K next month is a ridiculous goal for someone who has never run. It’s enough to start with a run around the block. Increasing the distance by a little each week is reasonable and achievable.
  • Minimize temptations.
    If you’re trying to lose weight, don’t have junk food in the house. If you want to quit smoking, don’t buy cigarettes. If you want to quit a bad habit, reduce the time you spend with people who are doing it.
  • Create routines that support your “new you.”
    Starting an exercise program? Schedule gym time and put it in your calendar. Do you want to lose that 10 pounds? Take the time to package up healthy snacks and put them at the front of the fridge so you see them first. Do your children deserve more of your time? Find an activity you all enjoy and sign up.

This year, give up the idea of trying to reach a goal. Instead, start doing it. Make a commitment to use these strategies to help foster real change.

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Sunday, December 27, 2015

What Makes a Person in Uniform More Attractive?

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“There’s just something hot about men or women in uniform.” You’ve probably heard people say something like this. But what is it about a uniform that makes a person look more attractive? Here are 3 possible explanations based in science for why uniforms increase attractiveness...



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Trauma & Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence

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Trauma & Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence

What do combat veterans, prisoners of conscience, and survivors of child abuse all have in common? They all have an increased risk of developing post-traumatic stress disorder. Though the disorder is now widely recognized, patients and therapists dealing with PTSD have had to fight for its acknowledgement within the psychiatric and general community, and they have faced periodic erasure throughout the twentieth century.

In her groundbreaking and still-vital work, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence — From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror, Judith Herman not only traces the history of PTSD back to the so-called hysterics who put Freud on his path to psychoanalytic theory. She also inextricably links PTSD with the social and political, as well as the psychological and personal. This newest edition, published by Basic Books, contains all of the original text, including the 1997 afterword, plus a brand new 2015 epilogue written by the author. It is a must-read for activists, crisis counselors, and laypeople alike.

The book would be worth reading simply for its place in history, as it is the first text of its kind to tackle trauma so comprehensively. Although its periodic focus on dissociation may strike some readers as somewhat dated, it is impossible to deny its continuing relevance and applicability. This is no artifact.

Whether we’re addressing the issue of soldiers returning from conflicts in the Middle East or college students overcoming sexual assault on campus, the principles behind Trauma and Recovery continue to apply to contemporary society. Indeed, anyone who’s worked at a crisis center or hotline will immediately recognize the principles Herman describes in the text, including the stages of recovery, the necessary establishment of boundaries and need for empowerment, and the frequently circuitous nature of recovery.

As indicated by the title, the book consists of two fundamental halves. The first part details the traumatic disorders caused by war, captivity, sexual assault, domestic violence, and child abuse, while the second explores the necessary conditions and effective approaches for their treatment. Herman begins the book first by thanking the activists of the women’s movement, who have made the public discussion of “the common atrocities of sexual and domestic life” possible. As readers, we know immediately that Herman positions the personal within the political, and the first chapter, “A Forgotten History,” bears this out as she traces the study of psychological trauma from early psychologists treating hysteria to “shell-shocked” veterans of both world wars to survivors of domestic violence.

This study, she notes, has an unusual history: “one of episodic amnesia.” During these lapses in social awareness, we forget what we have learned about traumatic disorders, so that when interest resurges, it is with a sense of having to begin again completely.

But with this important text, Herman effectively prevents the next bout of such extensive erasure. She preserves the history of both therapists and patients dealing with trauma; she quotes extensively from relevant texts, including novels and poetry, as well as case histories and patients’ statements. You can learn a lot from this first chapter alone, which in its thirty pages gives a remarkable introduction to the issues and background.

Herman then delves into the various causes and manifestations of traumatic disorders and tracks the commonalities and differences among PTSD patients, which vary with the type and duration of the trauma. She consequently makes a case for the introduction of a new classification — complex or complicated post-traumatic stress disorder — to account for the difference of experience for those who have survived prolonged, repeated trauma, such as political prisoners or survivors of repeated child abuse.

In the book’s second half, Herman relays the necessary conditions for recovery, delineating that process into three distinct stages of psychotherapy: the establishment of safety, remembrance and mourning, and, finally, reconnection with ordinary life. In chapter seven, “A Healing Relationship,” she also explores the intricate requirements of a successful patient-therapist relationship, which depends heavily on the mutual imposition of appropriate boundaries. Perhaps most interestingly in this chapter, she delves into the potential risks of such a relationship for the therapist, including emotional imbalance, the temptation to feel like a “savior,” and potential ostracization by one’s professional peers.

The common theme in Herman’s discussion of recovery is a feeling of control for the patient. Trauma being a state of utter helplessness and disempowerment — often at the hands of someone we trust — makes this quality paramount to successful treatment. And although the traumatic event may not be left behind or forgotten, its successful integration into the patient’s ordinary life places it within her control. Essentially, she regains control over her own memories and experience. Of course, Herman notes, emotional life events do pose some risk to PTSD patients, but if properly warned, they can overcome them.

As a former rape crisis volunteer who has applied many of this book’s principles when interacting with survivors, I was glad for the opportunity to finally sit down and read it. I can say confidently that its status as a game-changing text is well founded and deserved. Not only is it incredibly accessible, but Trauma and Recovery simply remains relevant. Moreover, its connection between the political and the personal provides some significant food for thought about the way we treat oppressed and traumatized groups as a society. If there’s any core message to glean from the book, it is how damaging further disempowerment and silencing can be for survivors of trauma.

Consequently, this is not just a book for industry professionals or for people dealing with trauma. It is a book for any type of reader who wants to explore its ultimately political message: that we cannot push aside people simply because we don’t want to hear what they have to say about what happened to them.

Readers familiar with Trauma and Recovery may rightly wonder if this new edition is worth purchasing for its 2015 epilogue. An additional twenty-eight pages, the new text connects Herman’s theories to contemporary events such as the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the child abuse perpetrated by clergy in the Catholic Church, systemic racial oppression in the United States, and the current institutional lapses regarding sexual assault on many college campuses. Herman also provides updates about the inheritors of her work and in the final pages of the book calls herself a grandmother of current projects, allowing herself a moment to kvell.

Although this section is not necessary for a reader to grasp the core meaning of the book, the new material does add a feeling of continuity. If your own copy of Trauma and Recovery is a bit dog-eared or worn, the 2015 edition might very well be worth picking up. And if you’re new to the book and interested in the subject, I highly recommend it.

Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence — From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror
Basic Books, July 2015
Paperback, 336 pages
$17.99



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Daily Meditations for Calming Your Angry Mind

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Daily Meditations for Calming Your Angry Mind

This is, put simply, one of the best books on mindfulness that I have read.

In Daily Meditations for Calming Your Angry Mind: Mindfulness Practices to Free Yourself from Anger, Jeffrey Brantley and Wendy Millstine provide about forty mindfulness exercises to help people focus on their special need or challenge regarding anger. They help us use various meditations to move past anger and instead respond to things that upset us with calm and kindness.

Brantley and Millstine seem to work well together: their book reads seamlessly and avoids style changes that sometimes accompany books with co-authors. In the preface, both authors offer their personal story relating to anger issues. This lends credibility, and made me feel that they understand readers’ daily challenges.

In basic terms, anger is an emotion that can arise based upon our perceptions of an event. We all have experienced anger, to varying degrees and with varying frequency. However, we don’t all react in the same way. The same event may provoke serious anger in one person and barely a ripple in another. In fact, the same event may induce different reactions in the very same person when we are in different moods or have other stressors on our minds.

So, can we learn to handle situations that typically cause anger in us, and instead move past that anger? Brantley and Millstine say yes.

Mindfulness helps us take a closer look at everything around us. As we develop our mindfulness abilities through exercises and practice, the authors write, we increasingly become better at being aware of our sensory perceptions such as sight, taste, touch, hearing, and smell. This improved awareness also aids us in processing our experience.

Think of being acutely aware of your involvement in a run or walk, thinking about your breathing, how your body feels, and the sights and smells of your route. Contrast this with two familiar phrases: “being on autopilot” and “going through the motions.” You may have experienced this and recognize the difference. Brantley and Millstine offer numerous core meditations to improve our ability to be attentive and to practice kindness and compassion. They also emphasize our impermanence and interconnectedness.

I was surprised by something that the authors move into next: the anger we may harbor about our body. I hadn’t thought much about it before, but, as Brantley and Millstine point out, many of us have a longterm or subconscious anger (or disappointment or even disgust) with our physical self. Perhaps we are bald, and consider that an imperfection. Perhaps we have some physical disability from a disease or injury, or we hate the way we speak or think. (It doesn’t take long to add more examples to the list.)

Less surprising were the sections on anger in relationships or at work. Even if our anger in these arenas is not at a terribly high level, we can probably readily relate. Personally, I know I have room for improvement.

In terms of the types of meditations offered, I found some more to my liking or more comfortable than others. That said, I imagine that at different times the techniques will speak to me in different ways.

In the final chapter of the book, Brantley and Millstine shift their focus away from anger and toward “joy and peace in every moment.” Here, they provide more meditations, ones that are useful as we encounter other people in our day-to-day lives.

“If you want a happier, more peaceful, less angry life, you can find it,” Brantley and Millstine write. Indeed, their book seems to light the way.

Daily Meditations for Calming Your Angry Mind: Mindfulness Practices to Free Yourself from Anger
New Harbinger Publications, July 2015
Paperback, 224 pages
$17.95



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Saturday, December 26, 2015

Book Review: Living Well with Chronic Illness

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Book Review: Living Well with Chronic Illness

Living with a chronic illness changes everything. It changes the way that you approach your life, the way that you take care of yourself, the way that other people in your life adjust to what has altered. I know firsthand.

Joanna J. Charnas, a social worker who also has her own chronic health issues, has written a book that understands this from the inside out, a book that offers personal, practical, wide-reaching advice that can be helpful to the individual who has been diagnosed with a chronic illness but also to the caregivers and other family members who are equally affected by the changes. Disease doesn’t exist in a vacuum: it affects the whole system. Here, Charnas addresses that complexity.

Charnas shares a lot of herself with the reader. Right away, we learn about her chronic fatigue syndrome, which developed in her late teens but wasn’t diagnosed until seventeen years later. Anyone who has lived with a chronic illness, especially an “invisible” one, will be able to relate to Charnas’s frustration in trying to figure out what is wrong. But this book isn’t memoir. Charnas is a social worker who has worked professionally for years supporting people in their own self-care, personal growth, and advocacy. Her professional experience shines through, sprinkled with personal information that makes her relatable, believable, and trustworthy. You don’t feel like she’s trying to sell you something in this book, but that she’s truly interested in helping you if she can.

Charnas addresses emotions such as sadness, fear, blame, guilt, hope, and frustration, and what these look like in the context of chronic illness. By beginning the book this way, she’s giving you permission to feel your feelings — whatever they might be — and that’s something that people living with chronic illness have often not allowed themselves to do. It’s an important first step in the process of living well, and it may include grieving the loss of the life you’d planned to live before you became ill. I found it a thoughtful choice to begin the book this way.

From there Charnas talks about the importance of your own attitude in living well, and recommends different options for working with your attitude. She includes group therapy, CBT, positive cognitive restructuring and even tae kwan do as methods of healing that can help reframe your attitude. She doesn’t say anything along the lines of “put on a happy face,” but she does encourage the reader to take responsibility for trying to live well despite the illness.

This section did feel a little bit cheerleader-y, but there’s a time and place for this type of advice and it fits in well following the section on emotions.

Then comes an intriguing discussion of all the different decisions you’re required to make when you’re ill — about care, about relationships, about work, about everything. This is the kind of information that most doctors wouldn’t think to write about but that someone living on the inside of illness knows all too well.

Charnas provides only a short chapter on decisions, and on the feelings you may encounter when you think you’ve made a wrong one. Although a longer section on this would have been useful, I was heartened by the mere acknowledgment of the issue.

This section on making decisions segues nicely into the next part of the book, which provides some of the resources that you’ll need to assist in decision-making. Charnas suggests some places to find information; she also provides useful suggestions like taking in the information in bite-sized chunks so as not to get overwhelmed. (Reading every online article about your diagnosis on the day your diagnosed isn’t good for you!)

Self-care, though, is arguably the meat of the book. Charnas provides basic information about self-care, information that may seem obvious (sleep enough, eat well), but these concise reminders can be helpful. I live with a chronic illness myself — depression — and I continually have to remind myself to go back to the basics. It’s always useful to me to have lists like these handy, even if they’ve been featured in other books that I’ve read.

And Charnas does go a bit further than the most simple tips. She writes about organizing your life with preparation and contingency plans that account for the impact of your illness. One of the mental health tools I’m a fan of, the WRAP plan designed by Mary Ellen Copeland, taught me about the value of this type of self-care. Although Charnas doesn’t mention WRAP specifically, it seemed she’d been informed by this kind of psychological training.

And then, there’s relationships. Charnas’s advice is primarily for the individual living with chronic illness, about how to cope with the issues that may arise in families and friendships. This is empowering because it’s about how we can change ourselves (approaches, attitudes) to work within our families. However, this section is also useful for caregivers to read. It offers a better understanding of what’s going on for the person with chronic illness, and offers a balanced sense of compassion for the caregiver and other loved ones.

Charnas also balances the personal with the professional and the emotional with the practical, so it’s no surprise that following the emotional section on relationships, she moves into some succinct advice about legal and financial resources. The information she provides here is a little drier, but useful. It’s short, but points you in the direction of where to get started with self-advocacy and understanding your rights as a patient.

Finally, she ends the book with some thoughts on complementary treatment, holistic medicine, and spirituality. She doesn’t provide specific suggestions, but honors that a spiritual practice of any kind could be beneficial for readers. It’s an ending that reminds us that each individual’s journey is going to be unique, and that living with chronic illness is going to change from day to day. And it’s an ending that gives some hope.

This is a quick and easy read, one you can return to when you need a reminder. The book’s brevity might be exactly what you need when your brain already has information overload and needs simple and direct thoughts.

And although readers of other self-help texts on the topic won’t find anything innovative in the book, Charnas does provide a unique combination of advice from someone who is both patient and clinician.

There are many books that are written for individuals with chronic illness. And there are many books written for their caregivers and loved ones. Charnas tackles both sides, sharing insights on how the entire family can adjust to living well despite invasion by a chronic condition. It doesn’t matter what the condition is — mental illness, physical illness, or even long-term issues associated with aging; the advice here is applicable to any ongoing condition that makes life difficult, but not impossible, to live well.

Living Well with Chronic Illness
MSI Press, August 2015
Paperback, 152 pages
$12.95



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The Jeweled Highway: On the Quest for a Life of Meaning

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Book Review: The Jeweled Highway

The Jeweled Highway is more than a well-written memoir. It is the chronicle of a man — and a generation — on the cusp of a spiritual awakening.

As a pioneer of the global consciousness movement, no one is more qualified to write this moving and detailed journey than Ralph White. He is co-founder and creative director of the New York Open Center, a leading urban institution of holistic learning, and his path to that role forms the backbone of this marvelous narrative.

The beauty of White’s story lies in the unexpected and chance encounters he has during his travels. His journey to find a meaningful life has been uniquely rewarded: friendships, lovers, mystical experiences, the realization of hidden talents, an appreciation of community, and visions of a new culture. As the reader goes on this expedition with White, these people and moments become the tapestry of a global movement.

The book takes the reader through White’s Celtic childhood, into adolescence and young adulthood in Northern England, and then to the United States, Colombia, Northern Scotland, Eastern Europe, Russia, India, China, Tibet, and places in between. Throughout it all, White has faith that, somehow, things will work out. From hitchhiking on the back of a potato truck, to his encounter with a medicine woman who shows him the power of indigenous medicine, to a request by the Oracle of Tibet to embark on a dangerous mission, White plucks and savors each moment. He describes encounters with the sheer beauty of nature and contrasts them with his run-ins with street thugs, customs agents, and aggressive Chinese police. Each twist and turn uncovers his primary purpose on this earth: to be himself.

However, White’s quest transcends a mere personal mission. As he stumbles upon moments of spiritual self-realization, there is always a nudge toward the idea of an enlightened community. The sections about his time at Findhorn, a spiritual ecovillage in Northern Scotland, are particularly intriguing. There, White finds kinship with other seekers who wish to be part of a “network of light.” At Findhorn, he finds validation for his vision of what’s possible for a spiritual community. And then, his calling becomes trying to bring that sense of a spiritual community into the heart of the city.

There are many features of the narrative that draw the reader in — not the least of which is the clear and beautifully expressed travelogue. Then there is the timing: White shows up in every place where something big is happening in the world, just as it comes into fruition and becomes part of the global consciousness movement. He arrives in California to sample the offerings at Big Sur, works at Findhorn, and becomes a central player in the development of programs and transformational workshops at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies in Rhinebeck, New York.

What endures after reading White’s memoir is the greater sense of intention and relevance that comes with personal transformation. And, somehow, the book leaves one in the same state as the narrator: satisfied with what one has, yet on a quest for more.

Seeking the divine, White makes clear, only makes sense when it ushers in positive social and environmental transformation, too.

The Jeweled Highway: On the Quest for a Life of Meaning
Divine Arts, September 2015

Paperback, 216 pages
$17.95



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Friday, December 25, 2015

Intensive Therapy: A Novel

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Intensive Therapy: A Novel

What happens when the line between psychoanalyst and client becomes blurred? If an analyst goes out of their way to assist a client, are they doing their job well or are they no longer doing their job appropriately? These issues arise in Jeffrey Deitz’s first novel, Intensive Therapy.

Deitz has enjoyed a rich career. He started out as an instrumentalist at the Peabody Conservatory of Music before turning to psychiatry and psychoanalysis. Now, in his first book-length work of fiction, he describes the complicated relationship between a psychoanalyst, Jonas, and his client, Victoria. The intricate tale begins where characters are now in their current lives: both are married, both have children, and both are enjoying successful careers. But Deitz interjects the present with stories and interactions between Jonas and Victoria twenty years prior when they first met as psychoanalyst and client. We as readers begin to understand what has been at play between the two: their mutual attraction to one another jutting against their respect for the boundaries.

As the story of the present unfolds, though, there is clearly something amiss with Victoria’s teenage daughter. Then, an accident jeopardizes the lives of both of her children and sends her marriage to the brink of disaster. After twenty years, Victoria reaches out to Jonas for some assistance with her daughter as well as for personal psychoanalysis. As Victoria’s world is spiraling downward, Jonas struggles to maintain a professional distance. Her struggle with her children brings Jonas insight into his own marriage and children; interestingly, though, he continues to place Victoria first.

The book starts out a bit slow, and there were a few minor items that got me off track. For instance, why does Victoria’s son refer to her as “Mother”? While this may have been conceivable fifty years ago, or perhaps in another country, if the story is set in the present (which it is), it seemed a bit odd for an adolescent boy to use that term. The relationships, also, between Victoria and her children seemed a bit trite and ill conceived.

Around page 100, though, my entire perspective of the book changed. Up until that point, I was not sure I would be able to finish the novel. However, the tragic accident that acts as the major catalyst of the story completely changes the dynamic. I spent roughly 30 pages in tears, feeling the need to therapeutically shred tissues so that I would not claw my way through the pages, desperate to find out more.

As Deitz’s story shines in the latter part of the book, it is clear that he has pulled from his own expertise. His knowledge of music and psychoanalysis adds depth to the novel. And as the characters unfold, several questions tug insistently at the reader. Will Jonas and Victoria acknowledge their attraction and leave their respective families? Will Victoria’s children survive their awful situations? Will Victoria resurrect her relationship with her husband? Will Jonas ever be able to be the father that his wife desperately wants him to be?

While the end of the book answers many of these questions, my one complaint at this point is that the book was not enough, especially when it comes to what happens with Victoria. Though it started out as a slow read, by the end I craved a sequel.

Intensive Therapy: A Novel
Greenleaf Book Group Press, June 2015
Paperback, 352 pages
$16.95



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Beyond Bullying: Breaking the Cycle of Shame, Bullying & Violence

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Beyond Bullying: Breaking the Cycle of Shame, Bullying & Violence

If Malcolm Gladwell were to write about bullying, the result might look something like Jonathan Fast’s new book, Beyond Bullying: Breaking the Cycle of Shame, Bullying, and Violence. Fast draws upon underlying historical themes, shocking facts about perpetrators, and revealing studies to make his case that there is one thread throughout all bullying: shame.

And yet, Fast, a writer and professor of social work, reminds us, shame is an unfamiliar word. In several popular psychological texts, he tells us, shame is rarely mentioned, which is surprising considering that shame has an evolutionary function: to keep groups together. When shame is the result of violating social norms, we are less likely to jeopardize our group affiliations, he writes. But shame also regulates the attachment process — indeed, there is a stage devoted to it (autonomy vs. shame and doubt).

“Shame can be a powerful constructive force for helping children master the skills requited to move into an adult role,” Fast writes, but the modern-day version, he posits, has become “weaponized shame,” designed to intentionally injure a person’s self-concept.

Shame can also emerge as state shame (which is associated with situational conditions) or trait shame (a characterological feature). But, in either case, Fast writes, it causes people to act in one of four ways: withdrawal, attacking others, attacking the self, and avoidance.

One of the most common causes of shame in any form is bullying. “Seventy percent of people get bullied at some point in their childhood,” according to Fast. Why kids resort to bullying is a larger question with many possible answers. Children who didn’t bond with their parents, were allowed to act out aggressively, witnessed parental models of aggression, are larger or stronger than their peers, or have an inborn penchant toward violence all have a tendency toward bullying, Fast writes.

Fast shares a long, thoughtful email he received after he published a book on school shootings. The man who wrote it recalls his wanting to kill a boy named Matt when they were young. Why? Because Matt bullied him incessantly. But, the man tells Fast, even after he thought about how he would stab Matt in the gut, he saw Matt’s name on a sign-up sheet for a grandparent’s dinner at school. “The notion of him having grandparents was an epiphany, pregnant with implications, like NASA finding an empty Fresca can on Mars,” the man writes. “Were I to kill, or seriously injure Matt, some old Italian nana I’d never met would likely be very upset. Unlike her grandson, I didn’t wish her any harm at all.”

And so, the man realized, although Matt bullied him every day and made his life miserable, he could withstand that bullying more than he could withstand “the thought of weeping old ladies.” Despite having a knife at the ready, he never hurt his bully. And now, years later, Fast writes, composing this email clearly helped the man process his shame.

Unfortunately, epiphanies like these did not happen for Ted Kaczynski, also known as the Unabomber. Fast offers Kaczynski’s account of a major turning point in his life, after he had experienced a sense of shame and humiliation. “I burst from the ashes of my despair to a glorious new hope,” Kaczynski said. And: “What was entirely new was that I really felt I could kill someone.”

While it is not surprising that Kaczynski had been the target of verbal bullying and teasing, what is surprising is that during his days at Harvard, he participated as a subject in the infamous MKUltra experiments secretly sponsored by the CIA. The aim of these experiments was “the research and development of chemical, biological, and radiological materials capable of employment in clandestine operations to control human behavior.”

These clandestine operations unfortunately exist in many societal forms. There was the early Minutemen Project where men, as Fast writes, “could play the part of an authority figure and dress like a soldier, and because of the nature of their mission, they felt free to bully and demean Mexicans.” There was the “rule of thumb” law which for many year allowed men to beat their wives as long as the stick was no wider than a middle finger and no longer than a forearm, and the “scientific racism” that spawned the eugenics movement, whose epicenter was none other than Harvard University.

What ties these awful moments in human behavior together, Fast writes, is that “the assumptive superiority of the dominant culture, if it is to remain dominant, is constantly reinforced by a subtle, persistent, and often unconscious shaming.”

And yet as much as shaming exists in our culture, and is often denied, many people believe that it has a place in retributive justice — even though “eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth” method often comes with poor results. We can see this, for instance, in the high rate at which people who have been in prison get arrested again in a cycle of incarceration.

As an alternative to shame-based programs, Fast offers the SaferSanerSchools program, which boasts that after two years of implementation at Palisades High School (a small black high school), there was a drop in disciplinary referrals from 1,752 to 1,154.

Fast offers this example, from an anti-bullying event, of how talking openly about shame, rather than using shame, can help our world: “A small boy arrived at the microphone and talked about how another boy had bullied him throughout middle school,” he writes, “Then the bully himself, who was in the auditorium that morning, ran up to the microphone and apologized. Then and there, in front of everyone, they hugged it out.”

Beyond Bullying: Breaking the Cycle of Shame, Bullying, and Violence
Oxford University Press, November 2015
Hardcover, 264 pages
$29.95

 



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6 Signs He’s Way More into You Than You're into Him

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And how to let him down gently.

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I Left My Pimp at 19 and Started an Organization That Serves Sexually Exploited Young Women

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"I knew if I’d managed to get out of the sex industry and leave my pimp, these girls could, too."

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The Number of People Who Say They Have Sex on Christmas Day Will Astound You

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Oh what fun it is to ride...

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The 7 Prettiest—and Most Wearable—Makeup Palettes Ever : The 7 Prettiest—and Most Wearable—Makeup Palettes Ever

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Including one that will help you get the perfect smize.

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Thursday, December 24, 2015

Book Review: Body of Truth

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Book Review: Body of Truth

My friend’s husband once said I’d be a great catch if I would just “lose a little more weight.”

I was surprised by his comment, particularly since he carries around a spare tire and since I am healthy (and happy) in size. Unfortunately, he, like many others, believes that being a stick is a pre-requisite to being a “great catch.”

Now, after reading Harriet Brown’s Body of Truth: How Science, History, and Culture Drive Our Obsession with Weight — and What We Can Do about It, I want us all to eradicate this kind of bizarre commentary and judgment.

Body of Truth is hard to describe in a nutshell. At its best, the book reads like a well-researched editorial in a respected medical journal. It’s loaded with case studies, commentary, and stories from medical professionals and average individuals. Brown tackles myths about body size and health — myths like Americans are getting fatter! Obesity can take a decade off your life! Being fat causes heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes, and much more! But it’s okay, because the solution is dieting — it makes us thinner and healthier!

Not so fast, Brown writes.

At a time when magazine images are synonymous with Photoshop and we endlessly navigate health recommendations from friends, relatives, and medical professionals (Try Isagenix! Eat clean! Calories in + more calories out = weight loss), Body of Truth is a must-read. Whether you’re an oft fat-shamed adult or a diehard “eating clean fixes everyone’s weight issues” believer, this is an informative book with a message worthy of discussion — though it may contain some truth you don’t want to hear.

Indeed, as a reader who was overweight as a child and silently suffered an eating disorder in mid-adulthood, even I was a little hesitant to accept Brown’s assertive stance that maybe it’s okay “for heavy people to sit around on their couches eating more bonbons.” That maybe body weight and health don’t correspond as neatly as we think they do. After all, if Brown shows us that statistics can be skewed to incorrectly favor thinness, can’t statistics also be skewed to incorrectly favor obesity?

This concern is not lost on Brown, who acknowledges that readers may initially interpret her message as advocating for obesity. That isn’t the case, she writes. And as the book hits its stride around chapter three, the message becomes apparent: being heavy doesn’t necessarily mean unhealthy, and being healthy may need some redefining in our culture.

Brown has written about Alzheimer’s, job discrimination, and eating disorders for various publications, and her ease in writing about this topic is apparent from the start. She candidly reveals her own struggles with weight gain, as well as its antithesis — excessive weight loss. To show us the hard truth about the latter, she shares fragmented stories of her own daughter’s anorexia, including a trip to the ICU. But this book isn’t devoted to the topic of eating disorders. This is no 8 Keys to Recovering from an Eating Disorder or Life Without Ed. It’s an intimate look at the mindset of a culture that labels heavier individuals as “stupid,” “ugly,” and “incompetent.”

Brown opens the book with something Lance Armstrong said to the wife of a former teammate: “I called you crazy. I called you a bitch. But I never called you fat.” How did we get to a place where the worst insult you can hurl at someone is “fat”? Brown ponders. Even more so, why is saying it okay?

And the answer is complex. Brown takes to task dieting, medical professionals, research manipulation. She questions our use of food labels. “As long as the discussion is framed as a dichotomy,” she writes, “ — food is good or bad, and we’re good or bad for eating a specific food — many of us will keep bouncing from one end of the spectrum to the other, depriving ourselves or overeating, eating ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy.’”

She also questions the strange fat-shaming that pops up in ads around the world and that feeds into a cyclical problem. For instance, did you know that public benches in Moscow display your weight when you sit on them and then proceed to offer you health tips and advertisements for a local gym? The purpose, designers say, is to raise fitness awareness. But since weight doesn’t always directly correlate with your fitness level, Brown writes, it is really just public fat-shaming.

Brown explores the topic of healthy motivating through dissatisfaction and shame with Katie Loth, a researcher involved with Project EAT. As Loth puts it, “People often feel like body dissatisfaction or been unhappy with how you look can be motivating. We found it’s not true.”

Especially, Brown writes, in the case of childhood obesity — a prominent topic that reminds everyone that weight concerns have no age limit. Brown tells the story of a mother who once brought her seven-month-old baby in to the doctor’s office because the child would moan with excitement while feeding. The mother was worried her baby would get fat.

From the principal investigator of Project EAT, Brown learns what may seem counterintuitive: “the younger kids are when they start to diet, the heavier they tend to become and the higher their chance of developing risky behaviors like purging, abusing laxatives, bingeing, and overexercising.” Kids who diet end up more overweight, not less, with more disordered eating issues, not fewer. And, Brown writes, the kicker is that “dieting kids and teens are also less likely to pursue healthy behaviors,” like regular moderate exercise.

This doesn’t surprise me at all. Even at my heaviest, when I was a teen, I loved to do active things. But because I thought it would look “unusual” for me to run through the neighborhood (Why is that heavy girl running? She’s too big to be a runner…) I would run laps in my basement instead. Not the most efficient place to pursue a healthy behavior.

As Brown shows, for those worried about childhood and adult obesity, setting up public ways to shame people into exercise isn’t a good idea.

Sociologically speaking, Brown mentions the alienation of those who are comfortable with their bodies and with whatever they dine on. Often these individuals are shamed into shaming! Ever been with a group of women complaining about the size of their thighs or how they are avoiding carbs? If you aren’t on the self-hate bandwagon then you are hated, or hated on until you join up.

As I read this book I vowed that I would no longer participate in those conversations. True to form, a friend messaged me saying how she was going through a rough time, but at least she was losing a lot of weight as a result of the stress she was under. This friend is a size zero. I mentioned Brown’s book, explaining (kindly) that I’d rather not support negative self-talk since it (on very deep levels) perpetuates body-shaming. The conversation ended there. I never heard back from her.

Social stigmas are maddening, and Brown makes a convincing case to end body-shaming. She writes, “If we’re really worried about people’s health, we wouldn’t be OK with the nasty tweets and e-mails and public comments. We wouldn’t be OK with the fat-shaming and death threats and the anonymous letters. We’d be talking about how to best support people to be as healthy as they possibly can be — and not just fat people.”

This is the biggest truth in her book: everyone needs help maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Everyone.

After all, those obsessed with clean eating can just as easily find themselves smack dab in the middle of an eating disorder. Everyone knows someone who is obsessed with a modern-day version of Slimfast or a special diet that doesn’t include sugar. This good food/bad food mentality becomes a thin line between healthy choices and orthorexia nervosa. And according to the studies in Brown’s book, even if you are fit and these amazing diets work for you, it doesn’t mean you will live any longer than those who enjoy eating a box of Oreos every week.

While I don’t ever intend to waste energy convincing those who can’t be convinced, at least Body of Truth exists as a powerful resource. The next time I hear one of my friends say, “I’m too fat,” I’m going to say, “Read Body of Truth. It might change your mind about that.”

Body of Truth: How Science, History, and Culture Drive Our Obsession with Weight — and What We Can Do about It
Da Capo Lifelong Books, March 2015
Hardcover, 304 pages
$25.99



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8 Famous Women (Other Than Teresa Guidice) Who've Been to Jail |

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Tre is hardly the first female celebrity to go to jail…and she probably won’t be the last.

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9 Reasons You Should Have Sex with the Lights on Tonight

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It's show time.

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This Dad Posted a Pic of Himself Bathing with His 2-Year-Old Daughter: Inappropriate or Not?

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He's getting blasted on social media, but we'll let you be the judge.

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The GM Diet Is Blowing Up Online, but Really: WTH Is It?

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And can it actually help you lose more than 10 pounds a week?

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11 Women Share the Surprising Things They Learned About Their Husbands After Getting Married

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"My husband was #2 on the Utah FBI’s list of repeat fraudsters."

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20 Squat Variations to Switch Up the Booty Boredom

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Keep your butt from becoming a lazy ass.

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I'm Going to Try to Have My Wife's Brothers Baby

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"It might sound very traditional of us to want to have a child that will share our genes, but that has always been the plan. We just needed to figure out how."

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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

11 Pieces of Invaluable Life Advice We Learned From Watching ‘Downton Abbey’

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The post 11 Pieces of Invaluable Life Advice We Learned From Watching ‘Downton Abbey’ appeared first on Reader's Digest.



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Before ‘Concussion’: An Inside Glimpse of NFL Player Mike Webster’s Utterly Tragic Final Days

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In Will Smith’s new movie ‘Concussion,’ the actor portrays the pathologist Bennet Omalu, who first revealed proof of football’s deleterious effects on players’ brains and published breakthrough papers in medical journals on the degenerative brain disease he discovered, chronic traumatic encephalopathy, or CTE. Pittsburgh Steeler center Mike Webster was the first NFL player Omalu autopsied.

In its March 2003 issue, Reader’s Digest wrote about Webster’s shattered life. Our piece addressed the role that the thousands of concussions Webster sustained during his football career affected his brain and contributed to his death in 2002 at age 50. The article is printed in its entirety below.

football concussion

At the Pittsburgh Steelers executive offices, overlooking the manicured field where the pro football team practices, Mike Webster’s sweetly smiling photo stands out on a wall decorated with glowering tough-guy shots of the team’s other famous players. The Hall of Famer’s sheer fortitude is celebrated in the caption:

Webster “played the most seasons (15) and games (220) in Steeler history.”

But in Webster’s rented town house in the Pittsburgh suburb of Moon Township, his family has kept a much sadder tribute—a sheaf of Webster’s scribbled notes torn from a legal pad, page after page of heartbreaking gibberish, the legacy of a brain injury sustained while playing center for the Steelers. His anguish is evident as he writes about his mental state: “… deep, confusing, twisting fishing line tangled up mess of confusing things go on all the time.”

Mike Webster died of a heart attack at age 50 on September 24, 2002, at a Pittsburgh hospital. This undersized six-foot-two athlete, who through force of will turned himself into “Iron Mike,” led a life of extraordinary career highs—followed by a slowly devastating decline.

The years of being butted repeatedly on the head took a brutal toll. An avid reader, Webster could still devour books on Winston Churchill and World War II, yet his memory was so fragmented he couldn’t remember the simplest things, sometimes sleeping in his car by the side of the road because he didn’t know how to get home.

In October 1999, Webster was awarded an NFL disability for traumatic brain injury. His story, however, isn’t just a cautionary tale about gridiron injuries. It’s a saga about a man who was loved deeply by family and friends, but who lost the relationships he prized most. A man who, despite his anger at his own fate, was nonetheless trying at the end of his life to teach his beloved sport to a football-crazy son. A man whose disturbing end has left his former teammates with questions that will forever haunt them.

 

Mike Webster grew up on a potato farm near Tomahawk, Wisconsin, where rooting for the Green Bay Packers was a religion. Even as a young boy, he saw that sports was a small-town way to shine. The second of six children, he didn’t have an easy childhood: His parents divorced when he was ten, and a year later his home burned down, with Mike, his mother and siblings barely escaping the inferno. In high school, Webster moved in with his dad, and went out for wrestling, then football. “He couldn’t sleep the night before a game, he was so wound up,” says Bill Webster, Mike’s father. “I don’t think he cared about being a hero, he just liked the game.”

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While at the University of Wisconsin on a football scholarship, he met his future wife, Pamela, who worked in the athletic department ticket office. “He had such kindness in his heart,” she recalls. “He’d open doors for me, he’d call when he said he’d call. And he had such a soft spot for children.” The couple married shortly after the Steelers drafted him in the fifth round in 1974, and eventually had four children: Brooke, now 26, sons Colin and Garrett—24 and 19—and Hillary, 15.

Grateful to be playing in the big time, Webster overcompensated for his size by becoming the hardest-working, play-with-pain member of the team. “Mike would be the first one at the stadium and the last to leave, he was so afraid to fail,” recalls Pamela. “Even on vacations, he’d pack the football ‘sled’ and push it across a field.”

Webster’s former teammates remember him as a quiet, determined man who seemed blessed with a photographic memory—and who studied the game as if every play depended on him. “You look at the center position as the foundation,” says legendary running back Franco Harris. “Mike was a guy you could always count on.”

Year after year, Webster slammed into much bigger players, their helmets crashing into his like battering rams, their forearms pounding his head.

He also relished his indestructible image. On one occasion, Webster showed up at a game on crutches, with torn cartilage in his knee, played anyway and had surgery afterward. His toughness made him a winner: He was voted onto the All-Pro team six straight years, won four Super Bowl rings, and joined the greatest players ever in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

But play after play, year after year, Webster slammed into much bigger players, their helmets crashing into his like battering rams, their forearms pounding his head. And the beating left its own legacy. “He got his bell rung all the time, just like the rest of us,” says former teammate Rocky Bleier.

Also like the others, he tried to shrug it off. “Everybody gets injured, but most injuries aren’t reported,” says Miki Yaras-Davis, director of benefits at the NFL Players Association. Players worry about ending their career, she says. “Some of the guys will treat a concussion like a hangnail.”

Webster was never officially treated for a concussion—“He never complained about anything like this,” says Ralph Berlin, the Steelers trainer during Webster’s playing years. But doctors say he suffered multiple concussions, among his many other injuries, on his way to gridiron glory.

 

Soon after his last season in 1990, Webster moved, at his wife’s urging, back to her hometown of Lodi, Wisconsin. That’s when, as Pamela says, “Mike changed.” He seemed physically disoriented and started to behave strangely. Webster had always handled their financial affairs, so his wife was startled to discover that he wasn’t opening mail, or paying bills, or even filing taxes. This reliable family man who used to read his children Bible stories at bedtime began to get in his car and disappear for days. “I didn’t realize he had a brain injury,” says Pamela. “I just thought he was angry at me all the time.”

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Money quickly became a problem. Webster had several million dollars in assets when he retired, so it shocked Pamela when their Victorian house was foreclosed 18 months after he left football. Webster’s finances remain a muddle, but from conversations with his family and lawyers, it appears he poured most of his savings into investments that went bad.

The financial strain couldn’t fully explain his increasingly bizarre behavior, however. Pamela put up with it for a while, but the couple separated for the first time around 1992 (she finally divorced a reluctant Webster last March after years of living apart).

Meanwhile, Mike began drifting back to Pittsburgh, spending more and more time there. Former colleagues soon began to hear disturbing stories about him, but no one knew what was wrong, and Webster was mystified and frustrated himself, embarrassed that he couldn’t seem to hold a job or even remember scheduled meetings.

The Steelers’ now-retired public-relations man Joe Gordon says, “I got a call from the manager of the Amtrak station, saying Mike is here and he slept here last night.” Gordon found Webster there, poring over brochures and talking excitedly about a plan to market celebrity photos—“This could be big”—but he had no place to sleep. At the team’s expense, Webster was put up for six weeks at the Pittsburgh Hilton, before decamping to a $25-a-night joint.

Too proud to ask his teammates for help, Webster was eventually befriended by a fan, Sunny Jani, who sought Mike out after reading about his troubles in the newspaper. “He was my hero,” says Jani, who owns a grocery store and sports-memorabilia shop. Jani began to handle the increasingly frequent crises, bailing Webster out of awkward jams. “Mike would call at 2 a.m. and say he’s lost.” 
Webster saw a slew of doctors during this period in the mid-’90s, including one who told him he appeared to be brain-damaged. “Have you ever been in a car accident?” the doctor asked.

“I’ve been in 350,000 car accidents,” Mike replied. Some half-dozen times Webster requested an application for disability payments from the NFL, but he never followed through.

 

By the time Webster entered the Hall of Fame in July 1997, he had become a recluse, in agony from herniated discs and hand injuries, impoverished and angry at his fate. He put on a brave front, though, for his two daughters. His youngest child, Hillary, who was living in Wisconsin with her mother, says that in recent years, “My father called me every night.” But his two sons, who lived with him at different times, saw a more tortured side. Colin remembers that his father was shaking so much from his condition that his desperate solution was to buy a police Taser gun. “He’d zap himself to calm his nerves. He’d do it 10 or 20 times to relax.”

Webster was prescribed Ritalin to control his mood swings, but in 1999, shortly after his regular doctor moved away, the athlete was arrested for forging Ritalin prescriptions. He gave an emotional news conference apologizing for “any embarrassment and sadness” he’d caused, and was sentenced to probation. That same year, his lawyer, Robert Fitzsimmons, finally won Webster a $115,000 yearly payment from the NFL for a football-related disability. (That payout ended with his death, but his two youngest children now receive $1500 a month each.)

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There was no other explanation for Webster’s deterioration; the repeated banging of his brain against his skull had damaged the brain’s nerve cells.

“He wanted to provide support for his family,” says Fitzsimmons, who pulled together a raft of supporting medical records, and brought in a psychologist from Marshall University Graduate College, Fred Jay Krieg, to examine Webster.

“Mike had dementia due to head trauma, a series of blows to the head over a period of time,” Krieg says. “He couldn’t concentrate, he had difficulty focusing, the conversation was rambling.” Krieg adds there was no other explanation for Webster’s deterioration; the repeated banging of his brain against his skull had damaged the brain’s nerve cells.

Since Webster was so passionate about football, it was painful for him to accept that the sport had left him permanently impaired. It was too late to undo the harm, however, just as it was too late to dissuade his son Garrett from playing. “When I was young, he said he wanted me to be somebody, like a lawyer,” says Garrett, who moved in with his father three years ago. But the towering six-foot-nine, 340-pound teenager figured he was built for the game, and made it clear to his father he was going ahead with or without help. So Webster launched a single-minded coaching clinic. He taught his son plays, watched game tapes with him, even tried to run with him despite knee and back injuries. Mike was also on the sidelines at every game. “He tried to stay low-key,” says Moon Area High School’s football coach Mark Capuano. “He preferred it if people didn’t recognize him.”

The last year of Webster’s life brought new woes: His divorce became final, his health worsened and his finances collapsed again. He had been receiving money from annuities and the disability payment—much of it went to alimony and child support—but the IRS then garnished almost all of his income for unpaid taxes. He and Garrett were ousted from their apartment for unpaid rent; Jani helped pay for a new place, but Webster couldn’t afford furniture. The father and son slept on the floor, surrounded by pizza boxes. Often unable to pay for medicine, Webster would shake so hard he couldn’t drive his son to school. “I couldn’t leave him in that situation,” Garrett recalls. “I had to be the dad sometimes.”

On a Friday night this past September, Webster went to his son’s football game. But as the weekend progressed he complained of feeling ghastly. “He woke up Sunday morning, his lips were purple, he was sheet white,” says Garrett. But Webster refused his panicked son’s entreaties to go to a hospital, in part because he didn’t have insurance. Finally, later that night he let Jani drive him there; doctors said he’d had a heart attack. Garrett was with his father when he went into a coma and then passed away on Tuesday: “I took it hard when they told me he was going to die. But when he died, I felt this calm come over me. I could feel a pat on my shoulder, almost a whisper in my ear, ‘Everything’s going to be all right.’”

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On a chill afternoon in November, Steelers owner Dan Rooney sits in his office, fondly recalling Iron Mike. “He’d cut off his sleeves in the freezing cold, zero degrees, to intimidate the other teams,” Rooney says with a grin. Over the years he picked up expenses for the financially beleaguered Webster and even paid for almost all of his $7,600 funeral. But Rooney refuses to believe Webster’s problems were more than psychological or that he was truly entitled to an NFL disability. “Everybody gets hurt in football,” he says, “but very few players get hurt permanently. He wasn’t eligible, to be honest. But we did get it for him.”

Midway through our interview, Rooney jumps up and strides out into the hallway to give a warm “Welcome back, how are you?” to Steelers quarterback Tommy Maddox. Three days earlier Maddox had suffered such a serious concussion during a game that he was temporarily paralyzed. “I’m feeling good,” the quarterback says, moving stiffly. An hour later, standing on the sidelines watching practice, Maddox complains to me: “I’m really upset that they won’t let me play.”

This from a man who 72 hours earlier didn’t know if he’d ever walk again. 
But then, Maddox wasn’t there at Mike Webster’s funeral. Grieving teammates were, and they felt shaken by this glimpse of their own mortality. “All these guys were talking at the funeral about maybe they should get checkups,” says Franco Harris.

The weekend of the funeral, Harris went to see Garrett Webster play football and was impressed by the teenager’s potential. But Harris thinks about the risks that Mike’s son will face. “A lot of guys look back, and they love the game,” says Harris. “But there are some who can’t walk, who find it hard to do simple things. You can’t help but wonder, is it worth it?”

The post Before ‘Concussion’: An Inside Glimpse of NFL Player Mike Webster’s Utterly Tragic Final Days appeared first on Reader's Digest.



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