DAY 1: Eat a burrito at your steady job during your lunch break.
DAY 2: Have a kid punch you in the groin to wake you up.
DAY 3: Look up how much college tuition will cost, then multiply it by the number of kids you have. Then, instead of crying, eat a late-night burrito.
DAY 4: Do one push-up, breathe heavily, and then open a bag of Wild Berry Skittles.
DAY 5: Buy a gym membership. When they give you a tour, take a good look around—this is the last time you will see it all.
DAY 6: Look at yourself in the mirror while recalling that how you look has zero to do with your chances of getting lucky today and that this is true every day forever after.
DAY 7: Carry a child for the entire zoo trip in your left arm, even after you can no longer feel it.
DAY 8: Get four hours’ sleep, and allow your body to confuse being tired with hunger and eat two burritos.
DAY 9: Chase a balloon across the parking lot of a Toys“R”Us at a “death struggle” level of intensity. Return it to the birthday girl, and wait until she smiles at you and says, “Thank you, Daddy,” before you throw up in the bushes.
DAY 10: Remember that time you were good at sports? Man, wasn’t that so great?
DAY 11: Start running but immediately injure your entire body, and then take a year off.
DAY 12: Lower your testosterone level a bit by losing another negotiation with a two-year-old.
DAY 13: Reward yourself with a milk shake for waking up today.
DAY 14: Play basketball with the grade-school kids in your neighborhood. Spend the time in the hospital catching up on your sleep.
DAY 15: Let the stress of your current financial burden allow you to feel each individual hair turning white.
DAY 16: Take your blood pressure pill, but only after stressing a bit about having to take a blood pressure pill.
DAY 17: Eat some Oven Baked Cheetos. If you don’t have any on hand, get married, and they will appear where your regular Cheetos used to be.
DAY 18: Squat down to wipe up vomit; raise up with your back.
DAY 19: Whenever you see a pull-up bar, grab it and pretend you are about to knock out some pull-ups. Wonder quietly what doing a single pull-up feels like.
DAY 20: Go to the pool and confidently take off your shirt and swim a couple of laps. Put your shirt back on and quietly dry-heave in the car.
DAY 21: Show off your new dad bod to your wife by first flagging her down on Facebook. Ignore her eye roll and laughter—she isn’t in touch with how attracted to you she is right now.
McSweeney’s (June 30, 2015), Copyright © 2015 by David Tate, mcsweeneys.net.
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