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Dating apps are useful ways of finding love in today’s world. Surprisingly, many successful long-term relationships began with one click. But it’s also possible to waste a LOT of time hoping for miracles.

Dating in the digital age is hard enough, but how do you make the most of that all-important first date by having a conversation that balances hope and reality so you don’t waste precious time on a relationship that will ultimately go nowhere?

As a psychotherapist, talking to strangers is my trade. Each time I interview a new patient, we are both trying to decide whether we should take our relationship to the next level. Therapy is an intimate relationship that flourishes if the chemistry is right. Do I think I can be helpful? Does the patient feel comfortable with me? Are we a good match? I might be a perfectly good therapist, but if there is no chemistry, we won’t get very far.

Many of my patients are also interviewing for intimacy — but of a personal kind. They courageously go online seeking a relationship that can grow and develop into a special bond. But how do you make the most of that first encounter to decide whether a real relationship is a possibility? How do you balance practicality with sensitivity? Patience with self-interest?

Here are six tips for making the most of a first date conversation so you know whether there should be a second date. A sound approach based on observation, curiosity and preparation can turn a first date into a reliable measure of the potential for future love.

1. Stop talking so much.

When we’re anxious, we over-talk. That’s less time for getting to know someone. People usually start with small-talk, but as they relax, they tend to open up.
Minimize chatter after the first 5 minutes. Don’t fill every pregnant pause with the first thing that pops into your mind. Leave space for something interesting and unexpected to emerge. Embrace moments of just being together and see what you get.

2. Look at them.

Don’t lock eyes in that creepy way, but keep your gaze soft, steady, and focused on your date. Imagine your eyes are conveying the message “I’m interested in you.” With your eyes and body language, convey a sense of openness, safety, and warmth.

Remember, you are trying to get below the surface, so create an environment that invites true feelings, even vulnerabilities, to be explored.

3. Figure out if you two are on the same page.

On a first date, you want to get a sense of someone’s emotional maturity because that’s critical to a healthy future relationship.

Try asking “what’s most important to you in your life right now?” If they’re still carrying grudges from the past, or trying to find the next perfect job or apartment, you might think twice about investing too much time waiting for the ink on this puppy to dry.

4. Tell the truth, but don’t OVER share.

” the truth, but tell it slant.” These lines by Emily Dickenson remind us that honest communication also requires tact. How do you talk about your divorce or a prior breakup? Frame your story tactfully to balance honestly and openness with personal privacy and circumspection. Don’t over-share, but don’t be afraid to be honest about your emotional baggage.

Notice how your date talks about his past. People who are overly self-conscious about their past relationships usually have something to hide. Think about maintaining a balance between personal boundaries and openness. The overall message should be “I have loved before and am not afraid to love again”. Dissing your ex is a no-no and a warning sign.

5. Ask them how they feel.

Don’t be shy about asking your date about the feelings that led up to important decisions in their life. A subtle but effective approach is by asking “why” questions: “Why did you choose teaching as a career?” “Why did you move to New York?”

Listen for whether the answers are concrete or emotional. “Teaching gives me summers off” might indicate concreteness while “I love children” discloses a strong emotional core.

6. Rehearse your exit.

Whether you feel that time spent on Date #1 was worthwhile or not, prepare a graceful exit. Smile, say thank you, and tell them how nice it was to spend time together. The date may have been disappointing, but never leave feeling disappointed in yourself.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, and THIS took less than an hour.

More from YourTango:

5 Ways to Get out of Your Post-Divorce Slump

What to do When You Are Ready to Date Again (and it’s been decades!)

13 Old School Dating Practices to Bring Back, STAT

Article originally posted at YourTango

The post First Date Conversation: 6 Expert Tips appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

These simple tricks will have your garden exploding with gorgeous blooms.

It’s easy to confuse heartburn and heart attack
The term “heartburn” is misleading. It’s not related to your heart at all, but to your esophagus, the tube that connects your stomach to your mouth. But because they’re neighbors in your body and they both hurt, it’s easy to confuse the two.

What is a heart attack?
If oxygen-rich blood is blocked from getting into a section of the heart, that section begins to die.

So what is heartburn?

That burning sensation of heartburn is caused by stomach acid rising up into your esophagus. This can cause chest pain that radiates to your neck, throat, or jaw. These are other symptoms of acid reflux to pay attention to.

What are the symptoms of a heart attack?
If you are suffering a heart attack, you will likely experience one or more of the following:

• Discomfort in the center of the chest that lasts more than a few minutes. It can feel like uncomfortable pressure, squeezing, fullness or pain.
• Pain or discomfort in one or both arms, the back, neck, jaw or stomach.
• Shortness of breath with or without chest discomfort.
• Breaking out in a cold sweat, nausea or lightheadedness.

Note: According to the American Heart Association, as with men, women’s most common heart attack symptom is chest pain or discomfort. But women are somewhat more likely than men to experience shortness of breath, nausea/vomiting, and/or back or jaw pain.

How to tell if your pain is heartburn
“I tell my patients that if you belch and the symptoms go away, it probably isn’t related to your heart but to your esophagus,” Mary Ann Bauman, MD, medical director of women’s health at INTEGRIS Health Systems, said on the American Heart Association website. “But if you have shortness of breath or sweating, then it’s likely a heart-related issue.”

Hmm, I think it may be a heart attack. Now what?
“Don’t ‘tough out’ heart attack symptoms for more than five minutes,” advises the Mayo Clinic website. Seek medical attention immediately. Meanwhile, as soon as symptoms start, chew a full-strength uncoated aspirin and swallow with water. This can help prevent blood clotting and the damage it causes.

On second thought, it’s heartburn
If you’re tossing and turning from heartburn, WebMD suggests you:

• Sleep with your upper body elevated. Lying flat in bed makes it easy for stomach acids to flow up your esophagus, causing heartburn. Try putting the head of your bed on 4- to 6-inch blocks. Or you can sleep on a wedge-shaped pillow that’s at least 6 to 10 inches thick on one end. Don’t substitute regular pillows; they just raise your head, and not your entire upper body.
• Sleep on your left side. This position seems to help reduce nighttime heartburn symptoms better than the right side.
• Chew gum. Chewing gum encourages the production of saliva, which can soothe your esophagus and wash acid down into your stomach. Here are other natural remedies for heartburn to try.

Still confused?
If you’re not sure if it’s heartburn or a heart attack, play it safe and seek medical attention right away. It’s easy to confuse the two so let a doctor rule out the most severe possibility.

Sources: National Institute of Health, The American Heart Association, the Mayo Clinic, WebMD

Everyone loves to be in control, yet no one likes to be controlled.  However, according to Richard S. Marken and Timothy A. Carey, writers of Controlling People: The Paradoxical Nature of Being Human, we are all control freaks.  Every thought, every decision, every physical movement is solely dedicated to staying and being in control.

The authors posit, “We are all controlling people. In fact our feelings of well-being depend on staying in control. Just as when we drive a car, we must stay in control in everyday life in order to keep things we care about going in the right direction.”

The right direction, according to Marken and Carey, is subjective. It is based solely on your perception of what is correct. Therefore, your efforts to control a situation will often easily collide with the way another person may try to control a situation.  Anyone who has ever found themselves butting heads with a co-worker, friend, or family member will understand this truth.

Much of the content in Marken and Carey’s book is not revolutionary, but Controlling People will be a treat for those who love an academic approach to the concept of control. Specifically, Marken and Carey discuss control from a scientific, psychological, and engineering perspective. The content of their book is not intended for those casually browsing this topic in their local bookstore. I found myself trudging through several chapters where the writing reminded me of days spent with my nose stuffed in a college textbook.

The upside is that as a result, I absorbed quite a bit of educational lingo and found myself explaining this book to my significant other using key words and phrases (some, but not all, of which will be discussed in this review) like Perceptual Control Theory, relativity of autonomy, reorganization systems, negative feedback loops, disturbances, error signals, and interpersonal conflict (conflict between the systems within different people) and intrapersonal conflict (conflict between control systems within yourself). Controlling People is not an easy read, but it certainly is an educational one!

Perceptual Control Theory (PCT) is the focus of the book, but control theory actually takes up the majority of it. The authors explain, “Things that control, be they gadgets or people, are called control systems. Control theory describes a mechanism that makes the controlling done by these control systems possible.” Control theory is an interdisciplinary branch of engineering and mathematics that deals with the behavior of dynamical systems with inputs, and how their behavior is modified by feedback. Plainly speaking, think of your home thermostat or the cruise control system in your car.

Both of these examples are frequently used in the book, and for good reason — they are the easiest illustrations to understand! PCT is when control theory is applied to human behavior. A few examples of PCT would be the observation of someone drinking coffee, walking around the block, or creating an observational hypothesis about why the person you see in the distance is making wild gestures (Are they hailing a taxi? Are they doing sign language?). All of these instances involve control, either from the person taking action or the person observing.

Now let’s return back to the example of cruise control. Control theory mechanisms (such as your cruise control) are made up of three components: a sensor, a comparator, and an effector. Each of these pieces are linked together. The sensor in your car’s cruise control system is the speedometer, which sends an electrical signal (perception) of the car’s speed to the comparator. The comparator then measures the difference between the perception and the reference signal (desired cruise speed). Any difference between the perception and the reference signal is an error signal, but error does not mean ‘bad’; it just means ‘different.’

This brings us back to the closed loop they mentioned.  When working properly, your cruise control cycle actually creates a negative feedback loop. “Negative feedback control in theory is not the same as a negative feedback your boss may give you about your presentation to the company directors,” Marken and Carey explain.  In this case, the error is the difference between your actual cruising speed and the goal cruising speed, and it is what increases or decreases the wheel turning speed in order to bring your m.p.h. back to your set cruise control.  Without this negative feedback, the control mechanism would not work. This cruise control example is just a fractional part of control theory. So how does something like this fit into PCT?

It’s all about variables and perceptions! Markens and Carey point out, “It is particularly important to know that control systems control their perceptions when these systems happen to be people rather than gadgets such as thermostats. It is important because it means that in order to understand people’s behavior — what they are doing — we have to learn what perceptions they are trying to control.” Getting to the point, Markens and Carey later conclude the obvious: “If you can determine what goal a person is trying to achieve, then you can control the person’s behavior by arranging things so that they can achieve their goal only by doing what you want them to do.

It’s that simple. Figure out what speed a person wants their cruise control at and try to control the variables (wind, incline/decline of the road) so that they arrive at whatever destination you want. Of course this is much more complicated than it sounds, and the academic verbiage makes it seem even more complicated and dry (which is why I would steer leisure readers in another direction). Still, Marken and Carey’s mechanical description of an emotional/psychological concept makes for an interesting read, albeit a hard one to break down in a review.

Skipping ahead to the end of the book, I found a conclusion I had anticipated from the beginning. Marken and Carey write in their final chapter, “Take The Golden Rule for example. We allude to this rule in chapter 3 but, at this stage of the book, it’s appropriate to take a closer look. The Golden Rule is an ancient notion that embodies the ethic of reciprocity. The basic message is to do onto others as one would have done unto to oneself, or, treat others the way you would like to be treated.”

If, like me, you have ever stopped to reflect on relationship building or strategies for success, you will immediately know that The Golden Rule is all wrong. I learned this when I was quite young by observing my mother.  She was a gift giver, and this was her way of “doing unto me what she would have done unto herself.”  The only trouble was I wasn’t in need of gifts; I sought verbal support and affirmations.  So, realizing this idea was rubbish, I began saying, “Treat others as they would like to be treated.” By the end of this book that is precisely what Marken and Carey write.  They say, “So, despite the longevity of The Golden Rule, it is not how people conduct their day-to-day affairs. Nor is it the ideal way to build lasting social harmony. The way people operate is very much in line with how The Golden Rule would be refashioned according to control principles. The golden rule from a control perspective would be: do onto others as they would have unto themselves, or, treat other people the way they want to be treated. We would argue this version of the Golden rule is the 24 karat variety…”

Marken and Carey believe this is the way to improve control and controlling conditions (since it is, after all in our inherent nature) rather than further develop a society of individuals who feel trapped and without freedom (i.e. control).They believe in the positive possibilities of The New Golden Rule. They conclude in earnest, “Control is the way it is. Life is control. We need to understand it, and we need to learn to live with it. We need to strive for a world where people prioritize finding ways to control what is important to themselves in a way that minimizes the extent to which they interfere with the controlling of others.”

There is truth to this last statement, and while it does not need to be wrapped in the scientific and mechanical explanations that encompass this book, Controlling People certainly would not be complete without acknowledging that control is linked to feelings of freedom. And everyone deserves to feel (and to be) free.  Maybe then, Marken, Carey, and I were mistaken in our rewording of The Golden Rule. According to this book, perhaps it should be “Control others how they would like to be controlled.” This way none of us are denying that being in control is truly our objective.

Controlling People: The Paradoxical Nature of Being Human
Australian Academic Press Group Pty. Ltd, December 2015
Paperback, 154 pages
$26.95

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It is often said that what is most healing in therapy is the relationship — a real person connecting with another real person. In her revised book, Letters to a Young Therapist, Mary Pipher connects with her readers in a way that is both wise and compassionate.

Pipher, the author of several bestsellers, including the groundbreaking, Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, doesn’t glamorize therapy, short-sighted techniques, or even results. Instead, Pipher draws upon her many years of successes and failures to describe therapy in the only way possible: a mix of poignant moments, fleeting clarity, small victories, and unforeseeable losses that are all anchored in tireless persistence and an unwavering faith in the healing capacity of the human spirit.

Written as a series of letters to her favorite intern, Letters to a Young Therapist is divided into four sections — Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall — that connect everyday experiences such as a sunset, taking a swim, or playing with a grandchild, to universal truths that are not just indispensable for a young therapist, but insightful for anyone seeking a more meaningful and fulfilled life.

Pipher begins by telling us that conversation is arguably one of the most basic of all human behaviors, and while therapy is a way of exploring pain and confusion to produce meaning and hope, the best trick is to have no trick. Instead, memory is both constructed and reconstructed, and it is through an examination of our past that we come to know ourselves more fully. At their core, therapists must be motivated by a deep desire to help others. Piper writes, “Just as respect tends to be mutual, so does contempt. Unless your basic feelings toward most people are positive, therapy is not for you.”

And yet one of the luxuries of our work, Pipher tells us, is that it “sustains idealism.” Because therapists practice understanding the perspectives of others, tolerating the variegated, multifaceted, and uncertain nature of the human condition, they also come to see that, at heart, most people want to be good. However, therapists must also be wary of rudderless and indiscriminate acceptance. Pipher refers to this as “muddled thinking and mealy mouthed affirmations” which obfuscate the real connection that therapy depends on.

As many clients come to therapy because their “subjective truths are twisted in ways that distort their lives,” and therapists must help them replace these with more authentic reality, this often means regarding that just as relationships take time, so too does understanding them. When therapists rush in too quickly with radical advice and grandiose plans, they often overlook the client’s very experience. “Epiphanies,” Pipher writes, “burst forth when it’s quiet and slow.” To help slow down, Pipher recommends turning to Mother Nature.

And when therapists can help clients connect surface complaints to deeper issues, they can often uncover metaphors that describe their lives. But here again, Pipher advises caution: “We can be of great service to (clients) if we can figure out what they most need to hear and then tell them in a way that allows them to listen.” While that may include reframing, challenging, looking through the triple lens of the past, present, and future, and making connections, the most important and underrated virtue a therapist can have is persistence.

Therapists, Pipher reminds us, will encounter a lot of pain, especially if they pay attention to the world around them. Yet, being able to tolerate pain alleviates many things and ultimately allows a person to learn and grow from all experiences. On the other hand, Pipher explains, “Happiness bears almost no relationships to good fortune.” Instead, when people are engaged in the process of pursuing meaningful goals (as oppose to when they reach them), or spending time with friends, they are much happier.

Pipher also advises therapists to develop the ability for self-care. Pipher says, “Have relationships and interests beside your work. Do things that make you laugh and recharge your batteries. Snuggle with a baby, take a cooking class, or join a theater group.”

Yet therapists must also have a tolerance for making, and then correcting, mistakes. Here, Pipher points to the advice of writer Rosellen Brown: “show up, pay attention, and don’t be attached to results.” Pipher also draws many parallels between writers and therapists, such a exposing the unexposed, asking their subjects to react emotionally, using their experiences in their work, and lives lived intensely and fully. In helping clients create new stories, therapists may encounter many things: resistance, (which she tells us not to face head on), best case scenarios that seldom happen, mistakes we would rather have avoided, and systems of healing that we never knew existed. And ultimately, what we may find — and help our clients uncover — is a reinforced belief that although life is hard, we are not without adequate resources and wisdom to cope.

Letters to a Young Therapist, Revised Edition
Basic Books, February 2016
Paperback, 180 Pages
$16.99

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I have always wanted to adopt, even when I was a child with a penchant for writing poetry instead of going out for recess. She looked to the stars / And wondered / Someday / Will I find my mother?

“Who is the little girl in your poem?” asked Miss Loros as I hovered beside her desk, where she was focused on correcting a pile of math quizzes.

“She’s an orphan,” I said. “Someday, I want to be the mother of orphans.”

“Then you’d be dead,” she pointed out, not taking her eyes off her flow of check and X marks.

At the end of fourth grade, while my mother was drying a wooden salad bowl with a dish towel, I made an announcement.

“Mommy, when I grow up, I’m going to adopt a hundred children, one from every country.” Two long, straight braids framed my face, and my orange gauze shirt was embroidered with flowers dotted with tiny silver mirrors.

“That’s a wonderful idea,” my mom said. She turned and placed her cool, damp fingers under my chin. “Even adopting one child would be a beautiful thing.”

So it was perhaps inevitable that after having two daughters, my husband, Yosef, and I decided to expand our family by looking abroad. In October 1999, I flew to Ethiopia and brought back ten-month-old Adar to our home in Newton, Massachusetts.

When Adar was a toddler, hiding wasn’t a way to vanish. It was a way to appear.

“Wayaz Adawi?” a tiny, disembodied voice called from behind the couch, signaling me to find him.

I put my hands on my hips, scanned the room, and wondered aloud, “Where IS Adari? In a drawer? No …on the bookshelf? No … ”

My heart stretched to bursting in its pull toward him: his soft cheek against mine, his arms surprisingly strong, his hands imprinting themselves on my shoulder blades, the kiss I will plant with a long mm-mwah on his silky forehead. This was his story of becoming my son.

He jumped out from behind the couch—a toddler Sammy Davis Jr. after a big number—huge smile, arms outstretched. I gotta be meeeee!

Cue the lights, the applause, the laughter, and that big hug. Here you are, our hug said to each other. Always here. Always mine.

“Mama, wayaz my tummy-mommy?” he asked, his nose against mine.

“I don’t know, sweetie,” I said, bracing myself, gathering my thoughts. “Sometimes I wonder about her too.”

Every night when he was four, Adar pulled the same book from his shelf, handed it to me, climbed onto his bed, and nestled under my arm, leaning into me.

“It was missing a piece,” I read to Adar from the book.

Even though he could not yet read, he turned each page at the right time. The illustrations prompted him to recite the prose along with me, word for word.

“And it was not happy. So it set off in search of its missing piece,” he said solemnly.

The Missing Piece, written and illustrated by Shel Silverstein, is about a circle, drawn with sparse black lines on a white page, that has a missing piece the shape and relative size of a pizza slice. The circle goes on a journey in search of its missing piece, traveling through rain and snow and hot sun, finding pieces that either don’t fit or don’t want to be anyone’s missing piece.

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“How come it doesn’t want to be someone’s piece?” Adar asked.

“I don’t know,” I answered. Neither of us could understand not wanting to belong to someone.

Because it was incomplete, the circle moved slowly. As it plodded along, it smelled flowers, had a butterfly land on it, and noticed the world around it, all the while singing its song through a mouth formed by the errant pizza slice: “Oh, I’m looking for my missing piece, hi-dee-ho, here I go, looking for my missing piece.”

Adar took cover under my shirt. “Pretend I’m in your tummy,” he said.

He was small enough to fit his whole body under my loose top. He folded his arms and bent his knees to his chest, his eyes peering out at my throat as he carefully covered each toe with my shirt hem.

This was not our first time pretending I was pregnant with him. Often at bedtime, Adar would sit nestled under my T-shirt, look out through the stretched neckline, and whisper the command, “Pretend you’re walking.”

Lying supine on his bed under his warm, soft weight, I would move my feet as if strolling along the sidewalk. Peeking through my neckline, he’d again direct me. “Now you see someone you know.”

“Hi, how are you?” I said obligingly. “Oh, me? I’m fine. Just taking a walk with my baby in my tummy! OK, bye.”

“Now you’re walking again,” he’d say. “Now you see someone you know.”

“Hi, Auntie Laura. Yup, I’m just taking a walk with my baby in my tummy!”

“Can I really go inside your tummy?” Adar asked, his big eyes wide at my chin.

“You can pretend, but you can’t really go inside my tummy,” I explained.

“Why? What’s in there?” he demanded as if some sixth sense had set off internal alarms, flashing and wailing like the spacecraft in Aliens. His eyebrows scrunched in his telltale mix of concern and curiosity. Funny, Yosef and I had just been talking about having another birth child.

We lay smushed together on his single bed, his pile of storybooks stacked beside us on the green nightstand. In the soft light that glowed through a pale yellow lampshade, we looked at each other. I pulled his head onto my shoulder and kissed it.

“Mommy?”

“Mmm.”

“Who’s my tummy-mommy?”

“I don’t know,” I said quietly. My eyes welled with tears. Many times, I had begged God to let his mother know that her son, our son, was safe and loved. While my sorrow was genuine, it was also vain and indulgent, an illusion of redemption from my complicity in the world’s pain that played itself out all too sharply in another woman’s life—if she was still alive.

“Why? Nobody knows her?”

“Well, nobody we know knows her.”

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“Did my tummy-mommy keep me?” Adar continued.

“No,” I said gently as I slipped my arm under his upper back.

He adjusted his head onto my shoulder. “Did she nurse me?”

“I don’t know, sweetie.”

“Did it hurt my tummy-mommy when I was born?”

“Childbirth hurts for a while,” I said vaguely.

“Is she dead?”

She could be wondering the same of Adar right now. She must have feared his death.

Looking into my eyes, his face serious and thoughtful, Adar asked if his tummy-mommy was my friend Sally. Her brown skin might have prompted this theory.

“I grew in Sally’s tummy and then she brought me to Ethiopia and then Mommy came to get me,” he announced.

“No, sweetie,” I said, managing not to laugh. “Sally is not your tummy-mommy.”

“Maybe a lion ate me up and then pooped me out in Ethiopia.”

I laughed—poop is funny.

He looked at me gravely, and I bit the inside of my cheeks.

“One person we know met her,” he said.

“Really, honey?” I lifted my head to see his whole face. “Who was that?”

“Me. When I was born.”

“Oh, my God. You’re right, sweetie. You met her.” I pulled his blanket around him more snugly.

“But I don’t remember her,” he said quietly, lowering his gaze.

“Oh, my sweet boy,” I said, turning his face toward me and holding each cheek in my hands. “No one ever remembers when they were babies.”

There was no remembering for him, no recollection of a face or the anchor of a story. No who or what or how or why to understand his coming to be. And I had none of that to give him. I had only my own messy mosaic of stories—our family inside the unwieldy, unfolding narrative of the Jewish people—within which he could weave his life.

Appreciating mystery was the only way that I could honestly approach Adar’s origins. In this way, he was a portal to kedusha, the Hebrew word for holiness. “I will be what I will be” was God’s answer to Moses’ question, “Who are you?” Moses’ future was becoming known, even as his origins were unknown to him. How could he have remembered his mother, Yocheved, placing him in a basket she had lined with bitumen and pitch, the basket that would carry him on the river away from the Egyptian edict of death? How was she able to get her hands to obey her intention and let go of that basket? My deepest fears formed themselves into prayer, even when I was simply buckling my child into his car seat.

Moses’ cry carried beyond the hum and thrum of the river and pierced the conversation of Pharaoh’s daughter and her handmaids as they bathed. Thus, the grown daughter of Pharaoh “heard the cries of the child.” Tragically, Yocheved hid herself in order to save her son.

Perhaps Adar’s birth mother prepared him in a basket, wrapped and warm, protected from mosquitoes, sun, and rain. Perhaps she, like the woman who released Moses to the Nile’s flow, “stationed herself at a distance” to ensure his safety as long as she could. But Adar’s birth mother never got to “lift her eyes” to redemption, at least not with him.

She and I were a team, like Yocheved and Pharaoh’s daughter. Did Yocheved call out for her son after he was ensconced in Pharaoh’s palace? Did the daughter of Pharaoh, raising her beautiful, wise boy, ever cry for Yocheved’s loss?

Oh, Adar. Your birth mother has taken her place in the long line of women who could save their children only by leaving them. Our tapestry of stories has raw, ragged holes. And, now, a bedtime story.

I held him tightly, his head on my chest as we read aloud together. Toward the end, the circle finds its missing piece. Finally a complete circle, it gains momentum and rolls along so fast that it could not stop to talk to a worm or smell a flower, too fast for a butterfly to land.

Aha, the circle says, so that’s how it is, and gently sets the piece down.

Buy the book Casting Lots, Rabbi Susan Silverman’s story about raising her beautiful blended family.

Myth: Dogs are domesticated wolves, so you need to establish yourself as pack leader

Truth: Dogs are not wolves, but unique animals predisposed to learn very advanced concepts from human beings. We likely first selectively bred today’s domestic dogs at least 15,000 years ago to cohabitate with us, provide companionship, and perform certain tasks such as hunting, herding, or alerting us when a stranger is near. To ignore the human influence in the domestic dog reflects a failure to acknowledge why the modern dog even exists at all. Yet many mainstream dog trainers seem to completely disregard this central point in favor of using methods that undermine the intelligence of our dogs.

Also, these trainers are basing their philosophy on an archaic understanding of wolf behavior that has been discredited by researchers who study wolves extensively. For instance, renowned wolf expert L. David Mech refuted the “alpha” wolf concept. When wolves are randomly placed in confinement together, they do fight for resources; however, that happens only when these animals are in a very unnatural environment. “Wolves in the wild—the wolves that our dogs descended from—get to the top of their pack merely by maturing, mating, and producing offspring,” says Mech. “In fact, leadership roles are simply parental roles. The pack is actually a family social structure, a lot like human families.”

Any training ideology that relies on your being a “pack leader” or an “alpha” instead of a loving parent to your dog is fundamentally flawed from day one.

Myth: Domination is the only way to get a dog to listen

Truth: Real teaching is about communication, not domination. Our goal when teaching a dog should be not to make a dog do something by forcing her into submission, but to make a dog want to do something. Trying to dominate your dog by yelling at her, flipping her on her back in an “alpha roll,” or using certain collars designed to create discomfort or pain will only greatly hinder both your relationship with your pet and the training process. Such training focuses on teaching what a dog shouldn’t do rather than what she should do. These tactics could even undermine your dog’s trust. Furthermore, your dog will not behave consistently when you take those special collars off or don’t use forceful methods.

On the other hand, positive training works with virtually any dog. In fact, if you have a dog with aggression issues, studies have shown that using forceful methods will likely make the behaviors worse. One study in the Journal of Applied Animal Behavior found that confrontational methods such as striking dogs, intimidating them, alpha rolls, and staring them down often led to an aggressive response. “When you use confrontational methods, you are just making yourself more threatening and increasing your dog’s motivation to use aggression against you,” explains Meghan Herron, DVM, lead author of the study and director of the Behavioral Medicine Clinic at The Ohio State University College of Veterinary Medicine. “It’s like fighting fire with fire.”

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Myth: Once you use treats, your dog will never listen without them

Truth: Your dog will learn to listen without treats, but you’ll probably need to use them longer than you intuitively might think, possibly up to six months after she first learns a behavior. However, we’re talking about your dog knowing a skill completely. For her to do that, she’ll need a lot of repetition and have to practice under various circumstances. Say your dog sits for you when you are home alone even if you don’t give her a treat, but when you take her to a park where there are lots of distractions, she doesn’t. That’s because dogs don’t generalize well. In fact, the single biggest thing you can do to throw your dog off is to change her environment or other variables. When you do, you’ll need to reteach her that skill or trick in the new environment.

Once you think your dog knows a skill completely, don’t just cut out the treats cold turkey. Instead, follow the principle of intermittent reinforcement. Dogs really excel when you randomly reward. Perhaps give a treat for a particular behavior, then skip the treat the next two times your dog does it, and then treat three times in a row. Eventually your dog will learn to generalize the behavior without a treat.

Myth: Dogs can’t understand that much, so speak in very simple terms

Truth: Most trainers advise you to keep your phrasing very simple and limit your requests to one word at a time. There’s certainly validity to this when introducing a brand-new concept like “sit,” but there’s nothing wrong with evolving your language after the first few weeks of basic training. Of course, you can still use one-word requests, but saying “Sit down please,” “Have a seat,” or whatever else you want to say to your dog can actually help broaden her vocabulary. Research has clearly shown that dogs can have a huge vocabulary, comparable to a toddler’s. The average dog can learn at least 165 words, while highly intelligent dogs can learn 250 words, or even considerably more. (One Border Collie named Chaser holds the current known record, at more than 1,000 words!)

There’s no need to dumb down your grammar. If your dog is barking, for instance, you can abandon phrases such as “No bark!” Instead, use proper grammar by saying “Stop barking please,” and teach your dog your language as you would teach a young child. Feel free to speak in a way that comes naturally. You’ll be shocked by what your dog can understand. Can your dog read your mind? Here are 13 astonishing things your dog might know about you.

Myth: Only puppies can learn new things

Truth: This line of thinking has been around a long time: In 1534, an Englishman named John Fitzherbert wrote in The Boke of Husbandry, “The dogge must lerne it, whan he is a whelpe, or els it will not be: for it is harde to make an olde dogge to stoupe.” Translation: “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Clichés often have a good bit of truth to them, but that’s definitely not the case here. Dogs love to learn at all ages, and you should always continue teaching them new tricks and concepts to keep them mentally stimulated. No offense to Mr. Fitzherbert, but don’t buy into this old idea for a second. Here are more fascinating facts about dogs you never knew.

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Myth: You can teach your dog only one thing at a time

Truth: Dogs are remarkably intelligent. Just like humans, your dog can process many concepts simultaneously. Of course, don’t expect your dog to master 10 tricks in one day. There’s a fine line between covering multiple concepts and confusing your dog. You’ll have to find that line with your own dog, but a general rule of thumb is between two and four simple tasks at a time.

Most importantly, don’t think you have to perfect a concept before moving on to the next one. Many people assume they need to, say, master housetraining before they move on to basic training, as though it’s sequential. Make sure that this is not your mindset. While you’re housetraining your dog, you should work on other basic skills. Dogs want to work with humans, and you speed up your dog’s learning teaching her multiple things.

More Ways to Raise the Perfect Dog for You
The new book Zak George’s Dog Training Revolution is a groundbreaking, comprehensive guide that teaches people everything they need to know to raise and train their dogs. Learn more and buy the book here. Also, visit Zak George’s website at dogtrainingrevolution.com.

The odds of being killed on a single airline flight are one in 4.7 million. While crash fatalities are at an all-time low, safe travelers are prepared for the worst. Remember these life-saving habits every time you fly.

Figuring out a dog’s energy level is the easiest way to categorize whether or not a dog is right for you. Of course, there are other factors you might think about such as size, puppy versus an adult, and a mixed breed versus a purebred. However, energy is certainly the most important one. For example, once an older couple came into one of my training classes with a toy breed dog who was off the charts with energy. I would rather have seen these people with a low-energy dog (even a mellow Border Collie!) than the little guy they came in with. It’s not that the breed was wrong for them, but the dog’s energy certainly was.

So, how do you choose a dog based on energy level? We’ll outline the different levels so you can figure out where a dog fits. However, keep in mind that when first meeting many dogs, their energy is likely to be very high due to the excitement of greeting someone new. Make sure you ask the breeder or shelter worker what the energy level of the prospective dog is like during his down time. Also, try to visit the dog multiple times to get a more complete sense of what his personality is like.

Low-Energy Dogs: Level One

Because these dogs lie around most of the time, they make a great companion for a relatively inactive person. These couch potatoes require a few short daily walks, and then they’re happy snuggling next to you for the rest of the day. Low-energy dogs are not typically motivated to learn very advanced tasks, nor are they likely to be impressive athletes. However, they’ll likely make up for it in good behavior, and you won’t have to put in as much effort to train them as you would need to for a higher-energy dog.

How to spot a low-energy dog: Untrained low-energy dogs may wag their tails and come up to you, but they’re usually not the type to incessantly jump. Look for the dog who interacts with people and other dogs but does not engage in sustained, vigorous play. When considering a dog who seems to be low energy, first make sure that you rule out sickness or a recent change in the dog’s environment as the cause of his calmness. That way when you get home you won’t be in for any surprises, like finding out that the dog is actually a little Energizer bunny!

Medium-Energy Dogs: Level Two

These dogs are mellow most of the time, but they will have bursts of energy. They are great for the person who wants a hands-on role in training and teaching; medium-energy dogs are good at almost everything, though they may not be perfect at anything. If you want a dog to go running with or to play with at the park, but you’re not looking for exceptional physical talent, then one of these may be your best choice. Most people will do very well with a medium-energy dog.

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How to spot a medium-energy dog: When you first meet an untrained level two dog, you are likely to encounter some jumping. Don’t be turned off by this, as a dog who jumps or seems a bit pushy is simply a dog who wants to interact with you. Medium-energy dogs typically enjoy socializing and playing casual or even sustained games of chase with other dogs. They may also have occasional periods of barking or racing around the house, but they’ll calm down fairly naturally after five to 10 minutes without a ton of encouragement from you.

High-Energy Dogs: Level Three

Without regular exercise, high-energy dogs are always raring to go; they can play all day and night. Generally speaking, the more energy a dog has, the more teachable he is. You’d be shocked by what some level three dogs can learn: riding bikes, walking on their front paws, and leaping off docks without fear, to name a few. However, you’ve got to dedicate a lot of time to making sure these dogs get plenty of mental and physical exercise—if you don’t, all that pent-up energy can lead to destructive behaviors, and training can become very challenging. High-energy dogs are typically best for a person who has the time and motivation to commit to some serious training.

How to spot a high-energy dog: Look for the dog who runs up to you and jumps like crazy or insists that you play tug-of-war or fetch by constantly bringing you a toy. These dogs usually have a tail that wags at a hundred miles an hour. They may stare at you enthusiastically as though they’re saying, “Let’s play!” They seem to never tire and will engage with you as long as you’re willing. Put a lot of thought into whether or not a level three dog is right for you, as they are generally the highest maintenance of all dogs.

More Ways to Choose and Raise the Perfect Dog for You
The new book Zak George’s Dog Training Revolution is a groundbreaking, comprehensive guide that teaches people everything they need to know to raise and train their dogs. Learn more and buy the book here. Also, visit Zak George’s website at dogtrainingrevolution.com.

Weather vs. climate. Lake vs. pond. Swamp vs. marsh. With these simple tricks, you'll always know the difference between these nature words.

Have the best lemonade stand on the block with refreshing recipes for this summer classic, including pink lemonade, fruit-flavored lemonades and lemonade recipes with real lemons.

Considering that 100 years ago, doing the laundry involved some serious arm muscles, I feel pretty lucky to be able to toss clothes into a machine and have them come out clean. That said, keeping a busy household in fresh garments, sheets and towels isn’t always easy. For a smooth laundry day (and no more missing socks!), here are 10 tips and tricks. Try one or try them all. Also: stop making these laundry day mistakes.

1. Do laundry more often. This may be counterintuitive, but if you count laundry among your least favorite chores, it may be time to shake things up. If you’ve been saving up your laundry all week to do in one go, try dividing the task into smaller chunks throughout the week (for example, towels on Monday, sheets on Tuesday, clothes on Wednesday, delicates on Thursday).

Or, if you feel as though you’re always doing laundry, see if you can get away with cutting back to twice a week. If you have a large household, there may simply be no way of getting around doing tons of laundry. The tips that follow will make the work lighter, but remember that you can also use laundering as an excuse to take some downtime for yourself. Put on a podcast or audiobook, listen to music, or catch up on a favorite show while you wash, dry, and fold.

2. Do separate loads for each person. One of the more time-consuming parts of doing laundry is sorting out whose clothes are whose when they come out of the dryer. Avoid this issue entirely by giving each person their own laundry basket and only running one person’s clothes at a time. Of course, it won’t always work out this way, but trying to stick with a one-family-member-per-load policy can help cut down on folding frustration.

3. Use baskets to presort laundry. Who hasn’t experienced the dreaded laundry room floor pileup? This tends to happen while laundry is in progress and the person doing the laundry is attempting to get things sorted out—and it gets worse when the laundry is then left there to “finish later” for some indeterminate period of time. A simple solution is to use a three- or four-bin laundry sorter and toss clothes into the appropriate bin from the get-go.

4. Turn clothes right side out before folding. This is a habit that some people will pick up faster than others, but it can make a big difference in the speed with which you can fold a load of clothing. In a totally unscientific experiment, I found that I was able to fold a load of laundry in nearly half the time when the contents were all right side out to begin with.

5. Put socks in mesh bags. If trying to match socks from the laundry is your idea of hell, treat yourself to a few zippered mesh bags—they will change your life (at least when it comes to laundry). The idea is that each person puts his or her socks into a mesh bag, zips it up and tosses it in the laundry. When the bags come out of the dryer, the socks are all together and ready to be returned to their rightful owner. Still managed to lose a sock? Here are 88 genius uses for spare socks.

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6. Set out some helpful extras. A bowl for pocket change, a small wastebasket, and a stain removal chart are nice little extras to have on hand. Here are everyday items that can remove stains. Also consider keeping a stack of sticky notes and a pen nearby. You can use these to stick a reminder on the washer if you need to remove an item to air-dry.

7. Keep your washer fresh by leaving the door ajar after each load. Washing machines, especially the new high-efficiency models, have a very tight seal, which means that moisture trapped after running a load of laundry can’t escape, leading to mildew (and stinky smells). Prevent this problem by leaving the washer door open a crack after each load. Some new models come with a magnetic door latch for this purpose.

 

8. Hang totes for dry cleaning and delicates. Keep items that need dry cleaning or special treatment from getting mixed in with the regular laundry by dedicating a few big totes to this purpose. Tossing dry cleaning directly into a tote also means that it’s ready to grab and go when it gets full. Store the wire hangers that come back with your dry cleaning in the tote as well, and they’ll be in one place to return them.

9. Dedicate a space to dry delicates. Hand washing itself isn’t too difficult (and some new washing machines even include a hand-wash cycle), but figuring out where to dry delicate items can prove tricky. If you have the space, installing a permanent drying rack in the laundry room is a wonderful solution. If that isn’t possible, invest in a slim folding rack that can slide away when not in use. When choosing a rack, be sure to look for a model that includes space to dry items that need to lie flat (like sweaters). A mesh surface is ideal because it allows air to flow underneath.

 

10. Corral your supplies. Sure, you can decant your detergent into pretty jars if you like, but if you quickly want to make things look neat, tuck your necessary supplies inside a basket or plop them on a tray. This keeps them together in one accessible place and makes it easy to move everything aside to clean.

 

Get More Great Home Ideas from Houzz

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If you met an amazingly wonderful, high-quality man today, would you be able to recognize him?

I know that most of my clients and women I speak to on a regular basis can’t. They are often concerned with a list of qualities and accomplishments that are watered down and often shallow.

When I ask them what they’re looking for, they start listing a bunch of adjectives that most of us want; loving, giving, handsome, successful, kind, tall, etc. But if we all want the same thing, why can’t we find it?

It’s because we get stuck in the semantics rather than the character. That’s the reason women waste time on unavailable men and don’t recognize the good ones.

In truth, there are 4 crucial qualities you should be looking for in a high-quality man:

1. Integrity

By definition: the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness

In practice, a man who has integrity is a man of his word. He keeps his promises and shows you his intention through his action. He doesn’t just talk the talk, he walks the walk. You can trust a man with integrity to follow through and show up in your relationship in a positive way.

His moral compass rules his choices and he will always choose to do the right thing in his life and by you.

Look for integrity in the small things when you first meet a man. Does he call when he says he will? Is he late to dates? Does he show integrity in his work? If he can’t show integrity with the little things, he will have a hard time showing integrity when it really matters.

2. Purpose

Every man needs purpose. Usually men don’t find their purpose in a relationship or family. The relationship can fuel his purpose as he strives to provide for his family, but it is not the source of his purpose. That may be hard for women to hear, but it’s true. A man usually finds his purpose in his work and how he contributes to the world.

Look for purpose early in the relationship in how he speaks about his career and services. Is he passionate about what he does? Does he have goals? Is he excited about going to work?

This doesn’t mean that he has to be an entrepreneur or six-figure man. You can work a 9-5 and still be passionate about what you do and the difference you are making for others.

3. Commitment
 
When most women hear commitment they are thinking about a committed and monogamous relationship. That is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to commitment. 

Commitment fuels integrity and purpose. You must be committed to growing, learning, and having the tools in place to live in your purpose. If you are not committed to living in your purpose or to having integrity you can’t possibly be committed and have the ability to be in a relationship.

4. Perseverance

Perseverance is a key quality to look for because life isn’t always kind to you and you want to know that when things get real, your man can persevere. How does he deal with adversity and challenges in his life?

When he’s knocked down, does he get back up? Does he recommit to his purpose when he fails? Or does he let the bad times and his fears knock him down for good? Perseverance is what will keep him going and recommitting to and working on your relationship through the hard times.

In order to recognize these pillars of a high-quality man, you too must possess these qualities. So began asking yourself, do I have integrity, purpose, commitment, and perseverance?
____

Want to learn how to Ignite Your Feminine Energy and Attract High-Quality Men? Click here to watch Ravid’s Free 3-Part video series to discover how.

The post 4 Things to Look For in a High-Quality Man appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Almost everyone I know who blogs about obsessive-compulsive disorder, myself included, has written at least one post expressing frustration over the use of the phrase “I’m so OCD.” Aside from being grammatically incorrect — nobody is OCD — it trivializes the disorder and lends misunderstanding to an illness that is already often misrepresented.

I don’t believe anyone I know who actually has OCD has ever said, “I’m so OCD.” Certainly nobody who really has obsessive-compulsive disorder would ever wish to be “more OCD,” although many of these ill-informed posts suggest that would be a good thing.

Let’s face it, though. Obsessive-compulsive disorder can be confusing — a tough illness to figure out. For example, some people noticeably obsess a lot. So do they have OCD? Maybe, or maybe not. A friend of yours has to line up his shoes in a particular order before he goes to sleep at night. That’s a compulsion and means he has OCD, right? Well, maybe, but not necessarily. And what about that nice lady you work with who seems calm, cool, and collected all the time, no matter what? Guess what? She has OCD!

How can we even begin to sort this all out? Understanding the definition of OCD can help. Also, it is important to be able to distinguish between what are likely our own unique habits, routines, and idiosyncrasies as opposed to what might be compulsions associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder. The former behaviors might even be classified as “quirks,” which would not fall under the realm of OCD.

So when is it OCD?

Well, referring back to the definition of the disorder, the behaviors (compulsions) of those with OCD are triggered by fear or anxiety. Those with OCD feel they have no choice but to engage in their compulsions. They don’t want to complete their rituals, they have to complete them.

If we don’t have OCD, our behaviors are performed freely. If we do have OCD, left untreated, we are captive; tormented by our obsessions until rituals are completed. It should be noted that those with OCD typically realize their compulsions make no sense, but they are compelled to complete them anyway. For example, someone who has to flick a light switch on and off 10 times to keep her parents safe realizes there is no connection at all between these occurrences. But just in case, just to be certain, she completes the ritual.

Ah, good ol’ uncertainty — the fuel for the fire of OCD.

In a nutshell, those with OCD are tormented. But the torment isn’t always obvious to others. What about that nice lady you work with? You’d never know! Because most of my son’s compulsions were mental, my husband and I didn’t even know he had OCD until he told us. And we were living together! To me this is one of the cruelest aspects of the disorder. It can torture someone from the inside, and nobody else would ever know until things got really bad.

So for all those out there who still say, “I’m so OCD,” unless you are trying to tell us you are tormented, have paralyzing fear, and are living in an almost constant state of distress and anguish, please stop. Chances are you just have quirks.

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Social anxiety is the most prevalent anxiety disease, affecting up to 20 percent of the population. But while the condition can be terrifying, it doesn't have to control you.

Bullying has become more of a problem in children and teens with the popularity of social media and anonymous communication through online apps and websites. Bullying is when a person is the victim of aggressive, mean-spirited behavior from another person or group of people. This kind of behavior usually occurs in school or is school-related, and the behavior is constantly repeated and goes on for a long period of time.

Children and teenagers who bully use their unequal power against kids or teens who are younger or unable to fight back in any meaningful way. This imbalance of power is key, because bullies look for victims who cannot defend themselves. While sometimes the bullying is physical, increasingly bullying behavior is done electronically online, through apps, Facebook, other social media, or websites. This form of bullying is referred to as “electronically bullied.” The point of bullying is to exert control and cultivate fear in the victim. In short, a bully seeks to hurt their victim through physical, emotional or psychological means — or through a combination of all three.

Bullying is a serious issue of concern. According to Gentry & Pickel (2014), “victims are more likely than other students to experience physical health issues, anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation.” In addition, victims’ grades decline “and they might avoid going to school to escape victimization or drop out of school altogether.” It is so serious a problem, nearly all U.S. states have enacted laws to address it. It most often occurs within middle and high school, but has also been documented to occur among university and college students (Chapell et al., 2006) and in the workplace (Hemmings, 2014).

Types of Bullying

According to the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, there are three primary types of bullying: verbal, social (also called “relational”), and physical.

Physical bullying refers to any bodily assault on the victim, such as hitting, kicking, or pushing.

Verbal bullying involves statements made directly to the victim by the perpetrator, for example, name calling, threats, abusive language, humiliation, and mockery.

In contrast to these direct types, social or relational bullying is indirect, consisting of attempts to damage the victim’s relationships with others by manipulating others’ feelings or actions toward the victim. For instance, the perpetrator might spread rumors or gossip about the victim, deliberately ignore him or her, or enlist others to isolate the victim socially.

Although relational bullying is common (Wang, Iannotti, & Nansel, 2009) and associated with long-lasting emotional distress and depression in victims (Bauman & Del Rio, 2006), studies have consistently demonstrated that teachers and school personnel tend to rate this type as less serious than the others. Additionally, participants report being less likely to intervene when they see incidents of relational bullying, they express less empathy for the victims, and they might not even define this type as “bullying” (Bauman & Del Rio, 2006; Jacobsen & Bauman, 2007; Maunder et al., 2010).

Statistics of Bullying

According to Gentry & Pickel (2014), estimates of prevalence rates differ depending on the methodology and sample used. However, overall data suggest that “24 percent to 45 percent of U.S. school children are bullied during the course of a year, and up to 20 percent are victimized several times per week (Swearer & Cary, 2003). Nansel et al. (2001) found that almost 30 percent of students in Grades 6 through 10 reported moderate or frequent involvement in bullying as victims, perpetrators, or both.”

Boys have been found to engage in physical bullying more often than girls, but the evidence is mixed regarding gender differences in relational/indirect bullying (see Underwood, 2003 for a review of the evidence). Boys tend to be bullied by other boys, whereas girls report being bullied by both girls and boys (Whitney & Smith, 1993).

According to the CDC (2014), 14.8 percent of students had been electronically bullied, including being bullied through e-mail, chat rooms, instant messaging, websites, or texting, during the 12 months before the survey. The prevalence of having been electronically bullied was higher among female (21.0 percent) than male (8.5 percent) students. The prevalence of having been electronically bullied decreased from 2011 (16.2 percent) to 2013 (14.8 percent).

Nationwide, 19.6 percent of students had been bullied on school property during the 12 months before the survey (CDC, 2014). The prevalence of having been bullied on school property was higher among female (23.7 percent) than male (15.6 percent) students. The prevalence of having been bullied on school property did not change from significantly from 2011 (20.1 percent) to 2013 (19.6 percent).

References

Bauman, S., & Del Rio, A. (2006). Preservice teachers’ responses to bullying scenarios: Comparing physical, verbal, and relational bullying. Journal of Educational Psychology, 98, 219–231. doi:10.1037/0022-0663.98.1.219

CDC. (2014). 1991–2013 high school youth risk behavior survey data. Retrieved from http://ift.tt/1uloYrE

Chapell, M. S., Hasselman, S. L., Kitchin, T., Lomon, S. N., MacIver, K. W., & Sarullo, P. L. (2006). Bullying in elementary school, high school, and college. Adolescence, 41, 633–648.

Gentry, RH & Pickel, KL. (2014). Male and female observers’ evaluations of a bullying case as a function of degree of harm, type of bullying, and academic level. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 23, 1038–1056.

Jacobsen, K. E., & Bauman, S. (2007). Bullying in schools: School counselors’ responses to three types of bullying incidents. Professional School Counseling, 11, 1–8. doi:10.5330/PSC.n.2010-11.1

Maunder, R. E., Harrop, A., & Tattersall, A. J. (2010). Pupil and staff perceptions of bullying in secondary schools: Comparing behavioral definitions and their perceived seriousness. Educational Research, 52, 263–282. doi: 10.1080/00131881.2010.504062

Underwood, M. K. (2003). Social aggression among girls. New York: Guilford.

Wang, J., Iannotti, R. J., & Nansel, T. R. (2009). School bullying among adolescents in the United States: Physical, verbal, relational, and cyber. Journal of Adolescent Health, 45, 368–375. doi:10.1016/j.jadohealth.2009.03.021

Whitney, I., & Smith, P. K. (1993). A survey of the nature and extent of bullying in junior, middle and secondary schools. Educational Research, 35(1), 3–25. doi: 10.1080/0013188930350101

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Have you ever noticed how some people’s typical expression tends to look angry or irritated? Celebrities such as Victoria Beckham, Kristen Stewart, Anna Kendrick, and Kanye West are notorious for these types of faces. This can be problematic because the person’s facial expression does not match their true feelings, resulting in unintentionally dirty looks. But it is important to realize that an angry or annoyed look doesn’t mean the person feels that way. You may be seeing something that isn’t there.

Being able to decipher the true meaning of someone’s facial expression (truly angry vs. the appearance of anger) is helpful for knowing the best way to approach an interaction. Across several studies, researchers at Arizona State University tested how men and women convey anger in their facial expressions and whether some people were more likely to perceive anger when viewing another person’s neutral facial expression.

You can make significant strides in overcoming codependency by developing new attitudes, skills, and behavior. But deeper recovery may involve healing trauma that usually began in childhood. Trauma can be emotional, physical, or environmental, and can range from emotional neglect to experiencing a fire.

Childhood events had a greater impact on you then than they would today because you didn’t have coping skills that an adult would have. As a consequence of growing up in a dysfunctional family environment, codependents often suffer further trauma due to relationships with other people who may be abandoning, abusive, addicted or have mental illness.

Childhood Trauma

Childhood itself may be traumatic when it’s not safe to be spontaneous, vulnerable, and authentic. It’s emotionally damaging if you were ignored, shamed, or punished for expressing your thoughts or feelings or for being immature, imperfect, or having needs and wants. Some people are neglected or emotionally or physically abandoned and conclude they can’t trust or rely on anyone. They hide their real, child self, and play an adult role before they’re ready.

Divorce, illness, or loss of a parent or sibling also can be traumatic, depending upon the way in which parents handled it. Occurrences become harmful when they’re either chronic or severe to the extent that they overwhelm a child’s limited ability to cope with what was happening. For more on shame and dysfunctional parenting, see Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.

How you’ve encountered these experiences are your wounds. Most everyone manages to grow up, but the scars remain and account for problems in relationships and coping with reality. Deeper healing requires reopening those wounds, cleaning them, and applying the medicine of compassion.

Symptoms of Trauma*

Trauma is a subjective experience and differs from person to person. Each child in a family will react differently to the same experience and to trauma. Symptoms may come and go, and may not show up until years after the event. You needn’t have all of the following symptoms to have experienced trauma:

• Overreacting to triggers that are reminders of the trauma.
• Avoiding thinking, experiencing, or talking about triggers for the trauma.
• Avoiding activities you once enjoyed.
• Feeling hopeless about the future.
• Experiencing memory lapses or inability to recall parts of trauma.
• Having difficulty concentrating.
• Having difficulty maintaining close relationships.
• Feeling irritable or angry.
• Feeling overwhelming guilt or shame.
• Behaving in a self-destructive manner.
• Being easily frightened and startled.
• Being hypervigilant (excessively fearful).
• Hearing or seeing things that aren’t there.
• Having restricted feelings — sometimes numb or emotionally flat, or detached from emotions, other people, or events.
• Feeling depersonalized; a loss of Self or cut off from your body and environment — like you’re going through the motions.
• Having flashbacks of scenes or reliving the past event.
• Having dreams or nightmares about the past.
• Experiencing insomnia.
• Experiencing panic attacks.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is not uncommon among codependents who experienced trauma either as a child or adult. Diagnosis requires a specific number of symptoms that last for at least 30 days and may start long after the triggering event. Core symptoms include:

• Intrusive thoughts in the form of dreams, waking flashbacks, or recurring negative thoughts.
• Avoidance of reminders of the trauma, including forgetting or avoiding sleep and shutting down feelings or numbness.
• Hyperarousal putting your nervous system on alert, creating irritability, exhaustion, and difficulty relaxing and sleeping.

Trauma is debilitating and robs you of your life. Often a person has experienced several traumas, resulting in more severe symptoms, such as mood swings, depression, high blood pressure, and chronic pain.

The ACE Study of trauma

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study found a direct correlation between adult symptoms of negative health and childhood trauma. ACE incidents that they measured were:

• Emotional abuse
• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Mother treated violently
• Household substance abuse
• Household substance abuse
• Household mental illness
• Parental separation or divorce
• Incarcerated household member
• Emotional neglect
• Physical neglect

Other examples of traumatic occurrences are:

• Betrayal
• Addiction or living with an addict (usually includes emotional abuse)
• Death of a loved one or physical or emotional abandonment (can follow divorce)
• Severe or chronic pain or illness
• Helplessness
• Poverty (if accompanied by shame, neglect, or emotional abuse)
• Real or threatened loss of anything of value
• Witnessing a trauma to someone else, including survivor guilt

Effects of Childhood Trauma in ACE Study

Almost two-thirds of the participants reported at least one ACE and over 20 percent reported three or more ACEs. (You can take the ACE quiz here.) The higher the ACE score, the higher were the participants’ vulnerability to the following conditions:

• Alcoholism and alcohol abuse
• Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease
• Depression
• Fetal death
• Health-related quality of life
• Illicit drug use
• Ischemic heart disease
• Liver disease
• Poor work performance
• Financial stress
• Risk for intimate partner violence
• Multiple sexual partners
• Sexually transmitted diseases
• Smoking
• Suicide attempts
• Unintended pregnancies
• Early initiation of smoking
• Early initiation of sexual activity
• Adolescent pregnancy
• Risk for sexual violence
• Poor academic achievement

Treatment of Trauma

Trauma can be emotional, physical, or environmental, and can range from experiencing a fire to emotional neglect. Healing trauma is like going back in time and feeling what was unexpressed, re-evaluating unhealthy beliefs and decisions, and getting acquainted with missing parts of yourself. Facing what happened is the first step in healing. Many people are in denial of trauma they experienced in childhood, particularly if they grew up in a stable environment. If parents weren’t abusive, but were emotionally unresponsive, you would still experience loneliness, rejection, and shame about yourself and feelings that you may have denied or completely repressed. This is emotional abandonment.

Re-experiencing, feeling, and talking about what happened are significant parts of the healing process. Another step in recovery is grieving what you’ve lost. Stages of grief include anger, depression, bargaining, sometimes guilt, and finally acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean you approve of what happened, but you’re more objective about it without resentment or strong emotions. As you release pent-up emotion from your past, you have more energy and motivation to invest in your future.

In this process, it’s essential — and too often omitted — that you discern false beliefs you may have adopted as a result of the trauma and substitute healthier ones. Usually, these are shame-based beliefs stemming from childhood shaming messages and experiences. Recovery also entails identifying and changing how you relate and talk to yourself that leads to undesirable outcomes and behavior and outcomes.

PTSD and trauma do not resolve on their own. It’s important to get treatment as soon as possible. There are several treatment modalities recommended for healing trauma, including CBT, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and Exposure Therapy.

*From Codependency for Dummies, John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

©Darlene Lancer 2016

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A better night’s sleep? Happier mood? A strange rash? Spending time in the sun has upsides and downsides you’ve never heard of.

While embedded with the U.S. Army in Afghanistan, photographer and war correspondent Robert L. Cunningham witnessed a rare and chilling ritual: the hero-ramp ceremony.

“Robert took this photograph at a forward operating base in eastern Afghanistan, capturing the silence and solemnity of a hero-ramp ceremony,” says author Steven Hartov, who worked alongside Cunningham to publish the 2014 book of photo essays, Afghanistan: On the Bounce.

“Just fallen in combat, draped in an American flag, a soldier passes through a cordon of comrades. This is a moment of secrets kept, for only his warrior brothers and sisters know that he is gone. It will be some time before his wife gasps with the news. His parents and children haven’t yet been informed. Only later will they know that 200 souls wept here with him and served as his most devoted bearers to that final fight.”

It's a battle between the rational decision maker and the instant gratification monkey.

From tough stains to clogged drains, lemons are the cleaners you didn’t know you needed. Take advantage of the surprising benefits of lemon.

Heartwarming wisdom from Oprah, Calvin and Hobbes, C.S. Lewis, Aristotle, Winnie The Pooh, and more.

Any product with DEET is the gold standard for repelling mosquitoes. But the following will tick off a mosquito, too.

Pop a tent, break out the foil, and stoke the fire for these camping recipes made for wide-open spaces and starry skies.

When you hear the term “psychotic break,” you might picture someone who’s out of control and experiencing delusions, hallucinations, illogical speech and more.

But the first signs of schizophrenia and other psychotic illnesses — which typically appear in people who are in their early to mid-20s — aren’t always so obvious. Because May is Mental Health Awareness Month, here’s a closer look at these disorders. Parents play a crucial role in treatment.

“Generally, psychosis emerges fairly suddenly,” says Dr. Bryn Jessup, director of family services at Yellowbrick, a psychiatric healthcare facility in Evanston, Ill., that treats young adults with complex mental health difficulties. “It can feel like a bolt from the blue.”

However, there are usually warning signs that a crisis may be imminent. Here are some things parents can look out for that may signal an oncoming psychotic episode:

• Distorted beliefs and perceptions, often including paranoia
• Noticeable changes in behavior that don’t have an obvious cause (such as the breakup of a relationship) and last longer than a week or two
• Withdrawal from family and friends (not answering the phone; avoiding favorite activities)
• Significant deterioration in self-care (sleeping all day; not showering)
• Increase in use of drugs or alcohol
• Agitation or hostility, sustained over days or weeks
• A comprehensive breakdown in self-regulation (such as a college student who unexpectedly fails all her classes)

If you think that your son or daughter may be heading down the path to having a psychotic episode, it’s important that you act quickly. According to Jessup, people who receive treatment within three months of their first psychotic episode are twice as likely to show improvement compared to those who begin treatment later.

Unfortunately, young adults are especially sensitive to anything that might threaten or compromise their autonomy and self-worth. Keep this in mind when you raise concerns about their struggles with symptoms or behavior. Jessup says some young adults may get angry if you suggest they have difficulties that require professional attention beyond family support. “Parents can contribute to the feeling of being persecuted,” he says.

Here are the best ways parents can approach the subject of getting treatment to their son or daughter:

• Bring it up, even if you’re afraid of their anger. 
  Yes, some young adults will get angry if you suggest that they need professional help, but not all will be hostile to offers of help. “Once you break through the bubble of isolation, some may be eager for that lifeline,” Jessup says.
• Explain what you’ve seen. 
  Be prepared to describe specific changes in behavior. “You’re not trying to build a case,” he says. “You’re putting everything on the table so it can be acknowledged.”
• Know this will take time. Don’t expect everything to be resolved in one conversation. “The message from parents should be, ‘Let’s find out what’s going on, and we’ll figure it out from there,’” Jessup says. Focus on a first step, whether it’s seeing a doctor with you, making an appointment with a college health service, or moving home for a while.
• Be empathetic. 
  Understand that your son or daughter is likely scared and confused. When offers of help are rejected and insults fly, try to empathize rather than becoming defensive.

While a psychotic diagnosis may be initially upsetting, Jessup wants patients and families to know that treatment options have been steadily improving over the years, leading to better outcomes. “Families play a really important role in supporting a stable recovery,” he says.

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Vincent was a young man experiencing intrusive thoughts. All he wanted in life was to get rid of those tormenting images and thoughts once and for all. One day, after coming back from a camping trip he told his therapist, “I was so busy and focused on what I was doing that I didn’t have time to analyze my thoughts and obsess. I was mainly focused in the present moment. If only I could go on camping adventures every day!”

Vincent’s OCD symptoms had begun when he was 12 years old. He had created thinking patterns that weren’t helpful. In the past, he had tried different “distracting strategies” but their effectiveness was short-lived. He also had discovered that fighting his internal experiences was not the best option.

His camping trip adventure helped Vincent realize that his intrusive thoughts were still occurring, but that he didn’t have to react or engage in them. He didn’t have time to evaluate his thoughts or figure out why he was encountering them. His activities took priority. He reported that it had been a great weekend but not because of the absence of unpleasant thoughts. He simply had chosen to focus on what mattered to him that weekend.

Before this event, he had neglected mindfulness practice. As he renewed his mindfulness routine, he discovered that he could allow the presence of thoughts, feelings and sensations without rejecting them. The practice of mindfulness skills enabled him to become more focused in the here and now.

What about you? Do you understand the benefits of mindfulness and how it can enhance your awareness and acceptance? If you struggle with OCD, your instinctive reaction may be to battle unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness can help you change your relationship with them.

Here is a mindfulness exercise (Hooker & Fodor, 2008) that may help you start your journey to becoming more open to your internal challenges.

• Set a timer for 3-5 minutes.
• Sit comfortably on a chair or couch and close your eyes.
• Then say to yourself: “I wonder what my next thought is going to be?”
• Acknowledge the thought as it comes in by saying, “That was my next thought.”
• Then repeat the question, “I wonder what my next thought is going to be?”
• Allow the thought and acknowledge it again with the same phrase, “That was my next thought.”
• Then ask the question and acknowledge it again as indicated above.

Practice this exercise every day.

You can wait for the thought just like a cat would wait for a mouse to come out of its mouse hole, but you don’t need to chase the thought. You may be in the habit of grabbing your thoughts so you can figure them out. Instead, notice their presence without reacting to them.

As you practice this exercise you may lose your focus. Don’t worry. That’s what minds do. Acknowledge that this is happening and bring your attention back to the question, “I wonder what my next thought is going to be?” and wait for the thought.

A thought may show up before you finish saying the question. Your mind may go blank when you finish saying it. Notice it, and continue with the exercise. Sometimes the next thought may be related to the previous thought. Allow it, and ask the question again. Repeat the process until the timer goes off.

Awareness is essential before you can implement additional skills. Remember that your mind is an amazing thought-producing machine. That is its job and you can’t stop it from doing what it was built to do. However, by practicing mindfulness, you can learn to become flexible with your thoughts. You can learn to let thoughts come in and out of your mind without having to obsess over them.

You don’t have to go on camping trips to become present and enjoy what matters most in your life!

Adapted from Hooker, K. & Fodor, I. (2008). Teaching Mindfulness to Children. Gestalt Review, 12(1):75-91.

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