Lisa Find Love

A friend recently asked me for advice regarding a breakup. I am accustomed to fielding such relationship questions, however, I was surprised by her inquiry because I didn’t realize that she had a significant other. What was even more surprising was that the breakup she wanted advice about was not with a romantic partner, but with a friend.

Because our social circle seems to naturally evolve as we go through transitions in our lives (e.g., new schools, new homes, new jobs, etc.) many of us don’t think about the process of breaking up with friends. Her predicament, however, got me thinking about what happens when we need to let go of a friend during a relatively stable time in our lives. The decision to end the friendship may be because we realize that we have grown apart, no longer have time to devote to one another, or no longer value the connection.

So how do we go about breaking things off? Can we end a friendship, or are we obligated to hold on to friends just because we have had them in our lives for a certain period of time? If we decide to end the friendship, can we “ghost” the other person, or do we owe our friend a more formal ending?

For most people, it’s not that mindfulness isn’t valuable, but rather it’s something they simply don’t have time for. Yet in her new book, Mindfulness on the Run: Quick, Effective Mindfulness Techniques for Busy People,Dr. Chantal Hofstee shows us just how easily — and effectively — mindfulness can be incorporated into even the busiest lives.

Dr. Hofstee, a practicing clinical psychologist, draws upon her clinical experience, as well as some convincing research, to offer numerous tips, tools, and exercises to use mindfulness to improve our brain function, emotional control, relationship to ourselves and others, reaction to stress, and even how we handle conflict.

Dr. Hofstee begins by explaining that while many of us view stress as a normal part of life (and something that cannot be mitigated), it is actually when we are most busy and cannot spare time for a mindfulness retreat that we most need to practice mindfulness. However, no matter how much mindfulness practice we do, we can’t ever eradicate stressful and challenging situations from our lives.

What mindfulness can do is teach us to respond differently. Dr. Hofstee points to an eight year study conducted at the University of Wisconsin Madison that demonstrated that while a high level of stress does increase risk of premature death, this effect was only true for those participants who believed that stress was harmful to their health.

Just what we believe, and how we respond to those beliefs has a powerful effect on our brains. Here, Dr. Hofstee introduces the concept of red-brains and green-brains. A red-brain, she tells us, is in a state of stress, often activating our fight or flight response. And while the red-brain is often triggered by actual threat, it is also frequently triggered simply by our thoughts about the events in our lives. The green-brain, on the other hand is “calm and present”, ready to learn, open to relationships, and essential for our physical health.

And while many of us find ourselves stuck in the productivity myth — believing that success will lead to happiness — the best way to control our brain states is to learn to control our thoughts. Dr. Hofstee gives the example of running late to work and feeling overwhelmed and stressed, or making a conscious effort to find things to be grateful for. And because mindfulness is a state largely comprised of two components, attention and attitude, when we choose what we pay attention to and our attitude about it, we can learn to cultivate a kind and non-judgmental response and move from reaction to response.

Mindfulness doesn’t just help us respond better to the events in our lives and the people around us, Dr. Hofstee tells us, it also changes the way we relate to ourselves. “You grow in self-compassion and kindness towards yourself,” she writes. Not only do we learn to accept our own uncomfortable emotions but we also learn to accept those of others and stop trying to fix them, which improves our connection to them. By making someone feel heard, acknowledged, and validated, Dr. Hofstee tells us, we activate their green-brain, which improves their mood, as well as our own.

And yet practicing mindfulness, Dr. Hofstee acknowledges, it not a foolproof strategy. In many cases it may not work. Yet in each instance, Dr. Hofstee offers useful exercises to help us train our brains to operate more mindfully. One of these is called, “Turn it Around”, where we are encouraged to take a negative thought and first ask if it can be true, if we can absolutely know if it is true, how we react and who we would be when we believe that it is true, and lastly, turn the thought around to the self, to the other, or to the opposite. In the example Dr. Hofstee gives, “I don’t have enough time,” can be turned around to, “Time doesn’t have enough of me.”

By learning to recognize especially our recurring stressful thoughts, we can also learn to recognize our core beliefs, which Dr. Hofstee compares to glasses through which we view the world and color our perceptions. “This insight,” Dr. Hofstee writes, “allows your mind to open up to the possibility that things may not be true even when they feel true.”

One of those possibilities is that our positive thoughts materialize in concrete ways. This self-fulfilling nature of thoughts reminds us of the importance of being aware our thoughts and particularly thinking only that which we wish to be true. But we may also simply feel better. When we are able to control our stressful thoughts, Dr. Hofstee explains, we are able to de-escalate the stress response and release hormones that will actually reduce stress, muscle tension, heart rate and blood pressure.

Learning to control not the events that cause stress, but rather, the way we respond to them might be the most important lesson Dr. Hofstee offers. And as she effectively demonstrates, not just do we need mindfulness most when we are busy, but when we have the right tools, it is possible to practice it on even the tightest schedule.

Mindfulness on the Run: Quick, Effective Mindfulness Techniques for Busy People
Exisle Publishing, July 2016
Paperback, 256 Pages
$18.95

Approximately 61.5 million Americans are living with a mental illness. Given that and given that the average American family in 2015 consisted of 2.54 people, then it is safe to estimate that at least 156.21 million people in America are affected by mental illness. David Armand’s memoir, My Mother’s House, illustrates the impact that mental illness can have, even on the individual’s who are not suffering from the illness.

My Mother’s House follows Armand’s life story in southern Louisiana. His memoir is carries a weighty underlying message of why mental healthcare is so important. He opens his memoir recounting his earliest memory of his mother: she and her own mother are screaming at one another while Armand’s uncle and grandfather watch on, injecting themselves at random points. The tale peaks with his mother driving off in the car, his uncle running and beating on the hood, and little David is cowering and crying at his grandmother’s knees.

Subsequently, David was adopted by his uncle and aunt. The theme of mental illness continued in their home, though, with David’s uncle, Bryan, slipping into alcoholism. With the ever-present alcohol, David’s uncle was the ultimate bully; he exhibited a desire to want to beat the “macho” into his sons. For instance, Armand describes a “game” the children would often play with their dad. While Bryan sat in the middle of the trampoline, the children would attempt to find a way onto it. However, Bryan had a tennis ball as his protection and would throw it at the children to keep them from climbing on. David described how while he did not enjoy the game, the punishment that would come from not playing was far more terrifying. Bryan used any sign of weakness as a reason to attack the children.

The alcoholism continued to plague the family. There was the cringe-worthy description of Bryan sawing a chunk of David’s cast off of his arm (and cutting the young boy in the process). Later, when Bryan was fired from yet another job, he proceeded to hunt down his wife and daughter with a shotgun. Thankfully, no one was physically hurt in that incident.

The saga continues after Bryan’s death, when David is reintroduced to his birth mother, Susie, whom he has not seen for most of his life. He learned quickly, and the hard way, that his mother was seriously ill. His first interaction with her concludes with her collapsing into a near comatose state in an effort to keep him from leaving for the night. Her illness was not helped by the fact that she married an abusive and controlling man. Later, David would come to find that his step-father had been keeping his own mother locked up. When discovered, the woman was malnourished and severely dehydrated. David’s mother had played a role in the abuse that the old woman underwent although it is unclear whether she fully comprehended what was happening.

When Susie’s husband passed away, David allowed her to move in with his family. It is then that he got a hard look at her illness. She paced the floors at all hours of the night talking to herself. She stole items from his daugthers’ rooms and added them to the hoard in her own room. Then there is the case of her little dog, Toby. She would stay locked up in her room with Toby all day and kept him wrapped up in a way that is described as close to suffocation. At that point, David got an in-depth look at the mental healthcare system. For years, David worked to get his mother the help she clearly needed. There were various mental institutions, group homes, doctors, etc. Yet, ultimately, he was worn down to merely a shred of his own sanity and has to cut off his relationship with his mother. He leaves her to her trailer hoard, where she is most comfortable.

While most memoirs contain narratives that are focused on the author, David Armand focuses more on the impact that other people have on him. Centrally focused on his biological mother and his adopted father, it is clear to any reader how much of an impact these two individuals had on his development. Armand’s self-awareness is prevalent throughout the book and is particularly impressive in the memories of his childhood. He describes early on how he remembers recognizing that fear can physically feel differently depending on the situation. His commentary provides powerful insight on issues of emotional abuse, and how this particular kind of bruise does not heal. The author also states that he was vigilant about looking for signs of mental illness in himself during his twenties and thirties. It is interesting to note how little he mentions his wife and children. This is likely because he wanted to focus primarily on the role mental illness played in his life; keeping the focus on mental illness pushes his advocacy for mental healthcare reform to the foreground.

Armand’s voice is resilient throughout his narrative. It is not surprising to learn that he has published a few novels. He is able to construct a memoir that has the fine-tuned descriptions found in successful novels without losing the warming and mesmerizing perspective that is characteristic of story-tellers.

Armand’s memoir closes with his thoughts on mental illness and the mental healthcare system in the United States. Anyone who has had to manage mental illness, their own or a loved one’s, can attest to the struggle that is prevalent throughout the system. I believe it is safe to say that Armand’s memoir provides a clear call to arms for everyone to stand up for mental health awareness, education, and reform.

My Mother’s House
Texas Review Press, March 2016
Paperback, 192 pages
$18.95

Summer at my house in the 1970s was a time for creativity, relaxation, and lots of fun. I was that lucky kid, the one who had the awesome playhouse. Believe me, though I was only 10, I realized and appreciated how special it was. The playhouse became my retreat.

Here’s how it began. At the start of summer vacation, my little sister, Colleen, Mom and I went to visit my grandparents in Canada for three weeks. My dad, Bill, couldn’t get time off work, so he stayed home.

What we didn’t know was that he was working all day on his job at the steel mill and then all night in the backyard on a masterpiece. The looks on our faces when we got home and saw the playhouse must have been worth all the hours he worked, because he was beaming. It was a complete surprise to us, and we were amazed it was all ours.

The playhouse had six wooden stairs leading to a door that locked. It had one pulley used to hoist the ¬American flag (Dad was a Vietnam War ¬veteran, so the flag was a must) and another to open the window. Later, Colleen and I helped Dad add a sandbox to the playhouse. He wanted us to have a hand in it, too.

I already knew I wanted to be a writer, so I brought to the A-frame a typewriter with all my stationery supplies and wrote a book based on my favorite novel, A Wrinkle in Time. My pen pal letters to England all were written from the wooden floor of that space. The playhouse became my summer home. I would take my breakfast up there and spend all day writing, napping and daydreaming. This was where I read Black Beauty, Mandy and any book by Beverly Cleary available at the local library. There were many sleepovers, although the mosquitoes kept us from sleeping the whole night out in the backyard.

Because I was spending so much time there, I asked my mother if the postman could deliver my personal mail to the playhouse. She was too kind to tell me you needed a real address to have mail delivered, so she brought books, pen pal letters, junk mail, and Highlights magazines out to the playhouse herself.

Fast forward 30 years. Dad, my kids and I are in the backyard, basking in the beauty of a calm, quiet summer evening.

“Do you think the kids would like a playhouse?” he wondered aloud.

After hearing a resounding “yes” from all of us, my dad bought all the necessary materials. The kids were involved in the building process from the start. Of course, Dad didn’t let the kids do anything dangerous, such as use the nail gun. Instead, they dug holes for the posts, learned how to use a level and even placed the cedar shingles themselves. We encouraged Dylan, my 8-year-old son, to be creative and design the interior. His plan included a large window with a window seat, a rope swing and a desk.

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Per my children’s requests, Dad screwed a large pretzel container into the ceiling so snacks could be kept safe from the wildlife. And he even ran an electrical cord from our sunroom to the playhouse so the kids and their friends could have a small refrigerator to store cold beverages. Hookups for technology were installed. Steel roofing would keep the rain out while giving my kids the pleasure of hearing the sound of rain on a metal roof.

In addition to all these aesthetic updates in the playhouse, times had changed in our town since the 1970s. We got a stern notice from the town code enforcer that our structure required a permit. After paying the $130, my dad and his grandchildren were able to complete their masterpiece.

So I have a playhouse again, and my children share it with me. It’s an amazing writer’s retreat—private and quiet except for some birds and the occasional squirrel. We’ve had sleepovers inside it (cedar keeps out the bugs, mostly), played endless games of Apples to Apples and enjoyed the view of our fire pit from the playhouse. I see my children creating memories that they will treasure for the rest of their lives.

Best of all is the rope to climb down so that as we leave we can all be carefree kids.

I know I’m not alone. Most fathers must feel sentimental when walking their daughters down the aisle. When it was my turn to walk with my Abby, I couldn’t help but remember the best moments of her childhood.

As I stood at the edge of the barn waiting for her, I noticed how very different this beautiful sunny day was from the dark and stormy night that we welcomed her to the world only 22 years earlier.

With her mother in full-blown labor, I raced through a rainstorm to get her to the hospital. But we made it in time, and our baby girl arrived happy, healthy and as beautiful as the woman who walked toward me in her flowing white wedding dress.

Abby took my arm, and then we stepped forward. I thought of the day when she was 4 or 5 and I found her halfway down our driveway with her tiny arms folded, a small bag by her side and her bottom lip stuck way out.

“What’s wrong, Ab?”

“I’m ‘wunning away,” she said in a serious voice.

“Running away? Why?” I asked.

“Because I’m going to be an actor in New York,” she replied.

I needed to buy time. “But don’t you want to eat a little something with me before you leave?”

She stood there thinking for a moment and then, without saying a word, slowly grabbed my hand and climbed up in the seat next to me. Thankfully, with the help of her mother’s cooking, New York would have to wait a few years, just as all our friends and family now waited for us to finish our procession.

We approached the arbor and the smiling young man who was the most eager for us to arrive. I recalled the moment I first realized that this young man—Jeremiah (or J for short)—had replaced me as the best man in my daughter’s life. It was during her junior year of college. Her right lung suddenly collapsed, and she had to have emergency surgery. Her mother and I jumped in the car and drove nine hours through the night to be with her.

In the recovery room, I leaned over Abby’s bed so she could see me when she woke up. I remember how she opened her eyes, blinked a few times, and then softly asked, “Where’s J?” Then and there, I knew this boy had surpassed me as caretaker of my daughter’s heart.

But J had long before won my approval. He clearly cherished my daughter as the God-given gem I knew she was from the moment she was born. The preacher started the service, and I took a seat in the front row next to her mother, the woman who also walked down an aisle to give me a life full of happiness.

A few hours later, we escorted the newlyweds to their car. As Abby hugged me and thanked me, I thought about asking her if she wanted to eat a little something with me before she left.

Of course, I didn’t. She wasn’t running away but going toward something wonderful. Our walk was a wedding present from Abby to assure me I will always have a place in her life. Without a doubt, it was a walk I’ll always remember.

What comes to mind when you think of the term mental illness?

Do you think of individuals who are thriving, successful, independent, and happy? Or do you picture individuals who are locked away from society because of dangerous hallucinations and delusions? Either perception is skewed not only by preconceived notions of mental illness, but also by a lack of knowledge, education, and sensitivity. Mental health challenges can occur in any culture, age group, and socioeconomic class. Struggling with mental illness does not mean an individual will never “measure up.” We’re all susceptible in some way. Sadly, a lack of sensitivity and knowledge about topics involving mental health can lead to months, years, and even decades of isolation, pain, discrimination, and suffering. It is a painful reality.

That’s why Lee Gutkind compiled a great book of examples of the lives of those suffering from mental health challenges. His compiled work, Show Me All Your Scars: True Stories of Living with Mental Illness, awakens readers to the depths of the abyss for so many sufferers who are not only afraid to reach out for help, but who also struggle with the reality that their lives may never be free of pain and suffering. Each story outlines the barriers, fears, confusion, tribulation, and even danger of mental health challenges.

As a licensed child and adolescent therapist who has experience working with adults, my fear has always been that my clients are so convinced they are losing the “fight” that they not only decide to live a life of pure, unadulterated hell by giving into self-defeating thoughts and risky behaviors, but also that they give in to their suicidal or even homicidal thoughts. I have seen my fair share of adults, teens, and even children who have “given up” and have either decided to follow, or could not remain psychologically separate from, a path of destruction. Many of my child and adolescent clients have made statements such as “I want to kill myself, but I’m afraid I may hurt my family.” Sadly, I have even had cases where my clients have attempted homicide. In other cases, the suicidal urge is so strong that many of my inpatient child clients tried anything and everything to end the pain.

The cycle of hopelessness, pain, and sorrow is real in the lives of those suffering from debilitating mental health challenges. But how do we get society to understand the rawness and the realness of those living with and trying to cope with mental illness? For starters, we must educate through words. That’s what so many of the writers Show Me All Your Scars decided to do. Many of the talented writers in the book are able to put emotions, thoughts, and psychological turmoil into words.

As a writer myself, I was impressed by how each writer concisely described the experience of mental illness while also maintaining the integrity that is often missing from mainstream society when discussing this subject. There were some sentences or chapters that I felt were not needed to make the point, but overall, each writer portrayed their experience, their pain, their suffering, and their sorrow in ways that are relatable not only to those experiencing mental illness, but also to those working and living with sufferers. The book is simplistic, but not so simplistic that it blends in with similar books on the market.

Each writer provides the reader with a different story, a different illness, a different perspective, and a different battle of the mind. I must admit that although I have worked with clients of all ages and in many capacities for over 7 years within the field, I was glued to the pages. I felt that the book contributed to my understanding some of the challenges that many of my clients experience. Although society may have a general understanding of mental health challenges, a book like this provides the “color” that is needed in order to relate and extend compassion.

Although the book does not specifically provide resources for the reader to utilize or tips on how to cope, it is a good starting point for opening up a discussion about mental health. It is a good starting point for those who have been newly diagnosed, for those who are struggling with accepting a diagnosis, for those who are trying to support a loved one or friend, and for those who are seeking emotional solace through awareness of other’s challenges.

We all have scars of some kind. We should not be afraid to share our scars because of an inaccurate perception of what life and human beings should be. No fantasy and no positive thinking can erase the scars we all have. It is certainly healthy to reframe negative experiences and to search for hope within a painful world. But it is not healthy to ignore or “hide” the reality that life includes pain and that it also can deal us a bad set of cards sometimes. That’s why books like Show Me All Your Scars are educational in more ways than one.

Show Me All Your Scars: True Stories of Living with Mental Illness.
In Fact Books, June 2016
Paperback, 320 pages
$15.95

The pancakes were on the table, and our little family of three was about to dive into breakfast. As I poured maple syrup over my pancakes, our 2-year-old daughter, Jean, leapt from her chair.

“Mama, Mama … Pigs!” she yelled, making oinking noises in her little girl’s voice. She pointed out the window to our wooded backyard.

Now I leapt from my chair. In anger I slammed down my fork and grabbed the truck keys.

“Wait for me,” my husband, Mark, bellowed as he wrestled with his boots and jumped up to follow me out the door.

“Stay on the porch,” I told Jean, as Mark and I hopped in the pickup and drove it recklessly around the yard. We honked and screamed as we chased the pigs off our property for what must have been the 10th time that summer.

Our neighbors had rented a small pigpen to some old family friends so they could keep pigs. The friends didn’t do a good job with the upkeep of the pen, so the pigs kept escaping and vandalizing not only our garden and yard but also our neighbors.’ We called the owners of the pigs several times, but the man was old, and it was hard for him to get out to the pigpen to make repairs. We called the police but were told nothing could be done.

It was a frustrating situation for all of us who lived on that dirt road.

“That’s it! I’ve had enough!” I said. “I’m heading to the neighbors’ to come up with a plan to make this craziness end.”

Mark, Jean, and I drove to Angie’s and William’s place. They were in the middle of breakfast when we knocked on their screen door.

“Come on in,” William called out.

“The pigs are out again,” I huffed.

William got up from his breakfast and said, “I’ve had just about enough of them. I reckon it’s time to get out the shotguns and take care of this nonsense ourselves.”

“No!” cried Zora, the couple’s six-year-old daughter. “It’s not the pigs’ fault. Can’t we just fix the pen so they don’t escape anymore?”

Silence. We had been so full of anger and finger-pointing. We had forgotten that it was within our power to fix the problem with a little sweat and compassion.

The anger boiling inside me slowed to a simmer, and then it was gone. I knelt down to talk to her.

“Zora, we will fix the pen. Thank you for reminding us that violence is not a solution.” She beamed.

Later that day, we went down to the pen and repaired the broken gate. It took several hours of our time and several dollars of our hard-earned money, but the day was beautiful and the kids frolicked in the nearby hay field.

We never told the owner of the pigs what we had done, but a few months later, the ailing old man found himself in better health. He stopped by to apologize for the chaos his pigs caused.

Later that evening, we invited the neighbors over for dinner and again thanked Zora for coming up with a simple solution to the pig problem. The kids laughed as we feasted and celebrated an act of compassion. Our bellies were full, and so were our hearts.

As he was growing up, my dad, Kenneth Davenport, fished a lot to provide food for his parents, brother and five sisters. Fishing was in his blood, and he passed his enthusiasm on to his children. We all listened to his advice on how to bait, cast and be patient. Over the years, Dad handed down the same lessons to his grandchildren.

Oh, how Dad, whose nickname was Pete, enjoyed eating his catch! Sometimes my mom, Vivian, came along on fishing trips with us, but her main duty was having the skillet hot and ready for the bass, catfish, goggle-eye, or crappie we brought home.

After 32 years in Bucyrus, a bump in the road with just a post office and a country store, Mom and Dad moved closer to town. They were still in the country, and Dad was even closer to fishing spots on the Big Piney and Little Piney rivers.

In 1995, Dad decided to build a little rustic cabin on his 3-acre property. His brother-in-law had given him some old lumber, and so to make use of it he decided an old-fashioned building would look pretty neat in his backyard near the shade trees and the small pond.

Dad and Mom enjoyed drinking coffee there every morning, and he cleaned a lot of fish on that porch. The Little House became a gathering place for us kids and grandkids when we came to visit. It’s chock-full of precious memories.

During one fishing trip on the Gasconade River, Dad thought he had a big one, but it ended up being a turtle. So he got out his pocketknife to cut his line, but the turtle snapped his knife and took it before going under. I will never forget the look on Dad’s face as he said, “He just took my knife!”

In 2007, my brothers and I took Dad to a new fishing place. He was 77 years old and had so much fun that day. He caught an albino catfish. We suggested having it mounted, but he said, “Nah, I’d rather eat it.”

His last fishing trip was on Labor Day 2013. Dad and I went to a small lake not too far from his house. He had to take several breaks to catch his breath—his body didn’t have the strength and energy it used to have. Still, we had a fun day catching bass and perch.

Dad wasn’t with us very long after he was diagnosed with lung cancer in January 2014. He died on April 10 of that year. He would have turned 84 on April 18.

Over the years, I always told him, “Dad, I would like to have the Little House out by my pond someday.” He replied, “What would you want that old thing for? You’re silly.” But I just couldn’t let it go when Mom sold the property.

So the family got together, took apart the house and moved it 7 miles down the road. Fortunately, we were able to get the walls down without having to dismantle the house piece by piece.

My dad’s Little House now sits about 100 yards from my front door, overlooking a pond that’s stocked with bass, crappie, goggle-eye and perch. Even though Dad thought it was a silly idea!

The place is decorated with all of Dad’s fishing gear and pictures of him with his catch throughout the years. A sign that says “For Pete’s Sake” hangs on the front, in honor of his nickname.

Dad is gone—how we do miss him—but we still have a bit of him down at the Little House. We cherish all those memories of times on the river casting a line together and joking with each other.

His presence is all around us as I gather with my husband, Cecil; our two grown children; our three granddaughers; and my mom and brothers to share a delicious fresh fish fry.

If the opportunity occurs, take someone fishing. Life is too unpredictable to assume there always will be time for one more trip.

First of all, no one’s saying you SHOULD quit drinking coffee—your daily java habit is probably healthier than you think. But if you suspect you’re drinking too much coffee or caffeine and want to cut back, here’s what could happen.

Calling all wedding registries! These kitchen tools range from clever to downright ridiculous. Either way, it's pretty impressive they exist at all.

Properly clean your summer items after a long summer of use to ensure use for another season.

Get ready to feel all warm and bookwormy inside.

“Middle child syndrome" describes the feelings of neglect and isolation thought to afflict many middle-born children. But recent research shows that this "syndrome" a total myth; in fact, middle children develop personality traits that help them succeed in jobs and relationships even quicker than older and younger siblings.

Because Old Hollywood never goes out of style.

While walking to a workout class, busily talking to my mom about my latest dating flop, she kindly reminded me that when the time is right, when the stars align, when the right person comes along, it won’t be so difficult to fall in love. She’s a big believer in the way the universe twists and turns, often giving us signs if we’re open-hearted enough to see them. I usually take everything she says as scripture (she is my mama, after all!), but on this particular sticky hot afternoon, I just couldn’t be bothered. I heard myself say snippy words as my eyes welled up with those big, splashy, unapologetic tears, and I quickly hurried off the phone.

Even an hour’s worth of boxing didn’t make me feel better, and though I had so many things to check off my to-do list, something told me to stop by Barnes & Noble before heading to my apartment. I remembered how my mom once said we all need some inspiration when we’re feeling defeated or disappointed, and maybe, just maybe, I’d find something that would give me that hope that often feels far away after five years of being single.

Normally not one to judge a book by it’s cover (I’m an avid Kindle reader, for the record) – I couldn’t help but look at a small, lightly-colored book called ‘Godwinks On Love.’ I told myself that I would only buy the book – a real, tangible book! – if I opened it to a random page and something spoke to me.

For whatever reason, I pried it open and my eyes instantly went to a date that was written out – September 16. No big deal, right? Wrong – that’s my birthday. Without hesitation, I hurried to check out and called my mom to apologize. I didn’t know what was in store for me with this quick-read book, but within a week, I had highlighted so many passages, cried my way through the chapters and gone to sleep every single night feeling more positive and full of life.

I’m still single but this profound book full of heartwarming stories that really make you trust in something bigger than yourself, was exactly what this 20-something girl needed. Luckily for me, the author – SQuire Rushnell (NOTE: the capital Q isn’t a typo!) took some time to answer questions for me about how he created the inspiring Godwink collection, along with some advice for daters like me:

What is a godwink?

SQuire Rushnell: “A “godwink” is one of those little experiences that everyone has; you’re tempted to call it “coincidence” but you know it’s something more … something of divine origin.

When that word came into mind, writing my first GodWinks book, I thought of when we were kids, sitting at the big table; you looked up and saw someone you loved looking back at you⎯they gave you a silent communication, a wink⎯you never said, “What do you mean by that?” You KNEW! It meant, “Hey kid, I’m thinking of you right now! I love you!” Well, that’s what a godwink is.

As someone who has been single for most of her adult life, reading your book was the breath of fresh air I really needed. It’s so hard to maintain hope in dating!

SR: I so identify with you. When you are feeling that perfect love in life is something that has passed you by, it gets pretty hopeless. But, I honestly believe that God has created the perfect mate for everyone. Think about this: Why would the God, who created everything perfectly, not have a perfect mate for you? Everything around you is a symphony of perfect design, balance, and color.

I once was mired in loneliness and hopeless about finding perfect love. But I now know that when I cried out in constant prayer that I was placing myself on His GPS⎯ God’s Positioning System. Louise was doing the same thing at the same time. It took awhile for Him to Divinely Align all the events and godwinks in our lives, so that our paths would intersect, but it was worth the wait. When the godwinks began, and our love ignited, it was better than any fourth of July fireworks. And today, 16 years later, I can honestly say that I love my wife more today than yesterday.

What tips do you have for someone who wants to stay positive?

SR: When you ask in prayer, believing that God is who He says He is, and can do what He says He can do, you should expect to receive perfect love. And also expect your answered prayers to come in the form of godwinks.

Godwinks happen more often when you get out of your comfort zone, leaving your baggage behind, and doing things that may take a little courage. Does that mean that people who engage others in conversation, and are actively involved in projects are more likely to experience godwinks than someone who is sitting at home watching TV? Yes.

Lindsay Tigar is a 26-year-old single writer, editor, and blogger living in New York City. She started her popular dating blog, Confessions of a Love Addict, after one too many terrible dates with tall, emotionally unavailable men (her personal weakness) and is now developing a book about it, represented by the James Fitzgerald Agency. She writes for eHarmony, YourTango, REDBOOK, and more. When she isn’t writing, you can find her in a boxing or yoga class, booking her next trip, sipping red wine with friends or walking her cute pup, Lucy.

The post Are You Paying Attention to the ‘Godwinks’? appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Both the ancient Egyptians and Greek philosophers praised the medicinal and nutritional value of grapes, often imbibed as wine, while European folk healers made an ointment from vine sap to treat skin and eye diseases.

Modern grape seed extract is derived industrially from the seeds of red grapes. You can’t gain the benefits simply by chewing on the pips, although the grapes themselves are nutritious. Grape seed extract is a powerful antioxidant that may help to alleviate health problems associated with free radical damage. It also exerts a beneficial influence on blood vessels and is useful for conditions such as varicose veins. It may also be beneficial in the treatment of certain cardiovascular conditions and eye disease related to diabetes.

How Grape Seed Extract works
In a number of studies, antioxidants known as oligomeric proanthocyanidin complexes (OPCs) found in grape seed extract have been shown to reduce the symptoms associated with varicose veins and chronic venous insufficiency such as pain and swelling.

Grape seed extract may also help to reduce swelling following surgery or caused by an injury—making it popular with some athletes—and it might lower cholesterol. Research conducted in test tubes suggests it could prevent the growth of certain types of cancer; however, this has yet to be tested successfully on humans. It has also been shown to reduce high blood pressure in animals.

How to Use Grape Seed Extract
Grape seed extract is derived from grapes and can be bought as capsules—often in combination with citrus flavonoids as a powder for athletes to use during training or as a liquid and used as drops. No recommended dose has been established, though manufacturers suggest one 100 mg tablet a day or, in liquid form, 3 drops twice daily in water before a meal. Follow label instructions or take as professionally prescribed.

Safety First
Talk to your doctor before taking grape seed extract as it could affect the way certain medications are broken down in the liver. Common side effects include headache, sore throat, dizziness, itchy scalp, stomach-ache and nausea. It may also act as a blood thinner, so should not be used if you are taking anticoagulants or other blood-thinning medications. Nor should it be used by anyone with an allergy to grapes. Grape seed extract has not been widely tested during pregnancy or breastfeeding so is best avoided or used only under medical supervision during these periods

Where to Find Grape Seed Extract
Buy tablets, drops or powder in health food stores or from a qualified herbalist.

Developed by researchers at Australia’s Monash University, this eating strategy eliminates a group of potentially troublesome carbohydrates known as FODMAPs (fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharides, monosaccharides and polyols). That list may sound exotic, but these compounds are found in everyday foods that contain lactose, fructose, fructans, galactans and sugar alcohols. Certain fruits, vegetables, dairy products and nuts as well as some breads and snack foods contain large amounts of these natural sugars and are considered high-FODMAP foods.

MORE: The 7 Worst Foods for Your Belly

A growing body of research suggests that in some people FODMAPs may linger in the digestive system where they feed bad gut bacteria, leading to gastrointestinal problems including abdominal pain, gas, bloating, flatulence, burping, constipation and/ or diarrhea. Saying “no thank you” to high-FODMAP foods can ease symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), gas and other digestive complaints that have no apparent cause or cure, experts say. For this reason, low-FODMAP eating is gaining worldwide interest.

How a Low-FODMAP Diet Works

FODMAPs seem to cause behind-the-scenes trouble in two ways. First, they draw extra fluid into the digestive system, which can cause diarrhea. Second, undigested and unabsorbed FODMAPs (especially when eaten in large quantities) may stimulate fermentation by bacteria naturally present in the gut. This fermentation—the same process used to make beer and wine—releases gas that can cause bloating, pain and flatulence.

In one study from King’s College London of 82 people with IBS, those who followed a low-FODMAP diet enjoyed significantly more symptom relief than those who followed a standard IBS diet. Eighty-seven percent had less flatulence (compared to 50 percent on the standard diet), 85 percent had less pain (compared to 61 percent on the standard diet) and 82 percent had less bloating (compared to 49 percent on the standard diet).

How to Use a Low-FODMAP Diet

Following a low-FODMAP diet is a two-step process. First, you’ll eliminate all major, high-FODMAP foods for a trial period of six to eight weeks. Such foods include onions, asparagus, mushrooms, apricots, apples, honey, legumes, rye- and wheat-based baked goods, and most dairy products. If your digestive symptoms improve, you will then reintroduce test foods from each FODMAP category one at a time to see which trigger symptoms. Test foods include milk (for lactose), honey (for fructose), wheat bread (for fructans), lentils (for galactans) and apricots or mushrooms (for sugar alcohols).

You may only react to one FODMAP so the goal is to find the food(s) that you should avoid or limit for the long term. If your symptoms do not ease during the trial period, FODMAPs are probably not the cause.

Safety First
It’s wise to work with a dietitian familiar with low-FODMAP diets at first. He or she can help you design a healthy diet during the trial period and, if you find food culprits, suggest alternatives so that you don’t miss out on important nutrients.

How to Start a Low-FODMAP Diet
Read more about this diet strategy on the Monash University website.

Get More Natural Remedies Doctors Approve!
The book Doctors’ Favorite Natural Remedies offers effective ways to treat more than 85 health conditions and evaluates the most commonly used alternative therapies and supplements. Learn more and buy Doctors’ Favorite Natural Remedies here.

It’s hard to watch the documentary Black Tar Heroin: The Dark End of the Street and imagine any of its five young subjects surviving past the age of thirty. Indeed, as heroin addiction has ballooned into a national epidemic, it’s hard to imagine anyone overcoming her need for this powerful substance and living a healthy life again.

With her book, The Big Fix: Hope After Heroin, Tracey Helton Mitchell, one of the subjects of the film, challenges popular conceptions about recovery and advocates for more diverse and comprehensive programming to overcome this pervasive addiction.  A certified addiction specialist and supervisor, Helton Mitchell’s expertise is much more than practical or academic — it’s personal.

Of Black Tar Heroin, Helton Mitchell writes, “When I agreed to do the film, I thought I would soon be dead from an overdose or homicide and that my story would be no more than a cautionary tale.” In reality, her story has become something much more powerful; as she notes, it is a story of transformation, of survival, and of hope.

Part memoir, part advocacy argument, and part educational text, The Big Fix relates Helton Mitchell’s experiences using, getting clean, staying clean, and helping others. It includes her reflections on such programs as needle exchanges and methadone clinics. And it makes a powerful argument for changing the way we as a society approach addiction and recovery. Clearly written and presented, it is an extraordinarily timely book, as heroin use has become a pervasive problem throughout much of the United States and the world. Likewise, it has something to offer to any audience.

Part One, “My Story,” makes up the bulk of the text. From the grudging, “Let’s Get This Out of the Way: Life Before Recovery” and “Clean and Sober Sucks” to “A New Sense of Self” and “From Mr. Now to Mr. Right,” the chapters in this section relate the disparate aspects of Helton Mitchell’s experiences living in the Tenderloin district of San Francisco as a user and then later when she was in recovery. She writes compellingly of the moment she decided to get clean for good after several failed attempts: “I am not doing this anymore…. This was my eleventh time kicking heroin, and it would be my last.”

Following this, she details the challenges of the rehabilitation program she volunteered for, the temptations of casual sex and alcohol, and the extensive psychological and personal work involved in getting clean. “After the chemicals left my body,” she reflects, “I was flooded with a life-time of memories I had tried to stuff down.” The Big Fix is as much, if not more so, about the life Helton Mitchell makes for herself as it is the substance she had to kick. Her family and her career helping those like her form the heart of the book. She doesn’t shy away from the realities of her life as an addict nor does she spare the reader the grim details of that time. However, her emphasis is on the recovery process.

The second and third sections, “Beyond the War on Drugs” and “Heroin Addiction and Recovery: What You Need to Know,” relate the need for advocacy and provide the educational purpose of the book. Intimately acquainted with recovery programs, Helton Mitchell argues we need to change the way we treat addicts in and out of treatment. The twelve-step program, she notes, is just one approach and its all-or-nothing philosophy can cause particular problems for those recovering from heroin addiction, particularly those who need methadone or other medication-assisted treatment (MAT), because, she says, “Some recovery communities consider MAT a ‘crutch.’”

Moreover, she discusses the unique challenges of being a woman in the meeting environment, which left her vulnerable to predatory males. Helton Mitchell goes on to advocate for several practical solutions we should implement as a society: reform MAT systems to be more affordable and patient friendly; regulate and standardize Sober Living Environments as well as rehab programs; and institute Good Samaritan programs nationwide to encourage people to call emergency services during an overdose situation. She particularly argues for naloxone — a life-saving drug that can reverse an opioid overdose in progress — distribution among users. The final pages of the book serve as a recap and condensed guide, useful for the casual reader.

The Big Fix: Hope After Heroin takes us beyond the cautionary tale of Black Tar Heroin. It gives voice to the experiences of recovering addicts and provides a 21^st century approach to treating — not punishing — drug users. Helton Mitchell’s frank tone and accessible prose make this a must-read for anyone working in recovery, considering recovery, or supporting someone in recovery, as well as policymakers and advocates. Using her own experiences, she challenges us to think beyond statistics and social stigmas. Above all, she reminds us of the humanity of those who may seem to be lost. For all of us, The Big Fix should be a welcome source of hope.

The Big Fix: Hope After Heroin
Seal Press, March 2016
Hardcover, 272 pages
$24.00

Chloe Smith, a 6-year-old from Atlanta, Georgia, was taking a walk with her father near their home when she saw something sparkling under a pile of trash this past June. She picked up the shiny object to take home, as she often did on her treasure-hunting walks. This loot was different, though: Chloe was later shocked to discover that she had found a stolen Olympic gold medal.

The medal belonged to former slalom canoeist Joe Jacobi, who won gold while competing for Team USA in the 1992 Barcelona Olympic games. The medal, along with other personal belongs, was stolen in May of 2016 when someone broke into Jacobi’s car. Though police managed to recover some of his stolen items, they hadn’t been able to find his beloved Olympic medal. It may have been pawned or lost forever, if not for a 6-year-old girl’s treasure-hunting habit.

“[Chloe] is always picking up stuff, always finding things,” says Charlmonique Cunningham, Chloe’s mother. “Both her and her dad always want to bring stuff home.”

Chloe’s dad knew that the medal wasn’t “junk,” as her mother initially assumed. He had seen Jacobi’s story on the news, and quickly realized it was his stolen property. Yet Chloe’s mother remained skeptical, so she found Jacobi’s email and sent him pictures of the treasure they had in their possession. When he confirmed the medal’s legitimacy, “he was astonished, just speechless,” Cunningham says.

Though Cunningham recalls Chloe was a little reluctant to give up the medal at first, she was eager to give it back after speaking with Jacobi on the phone. In return, Jacobi gave Chloe a $500 reward, and even promised to come speak to her classroom when school begins again this fall.

“I’ve met the parents, and they’re wonderful. They’re great people,” Jacobi said in an interview with ABC News. “When you talk about character and doing the right thing, that girl has so many of the values of the Olympic Games. I think that Chloe represents and embodies all the Olympic values. In my eyes, she is an Olympian in every sense of the word.”
MORE: 16 Little-Known Secrets Behind Olympic Medals

One summer I placed a bet on the Rockies and won. Over six days and 1,400 miles I was sure my two young boys, Finn and Zevin, then 7 and 5, would love this ambitious road trip chock full of grand adventures through the Rocky Mountains of Alberta, Canada.

The drive along one of the country’s most scenic highways promised gorgeous views of gemstone lakes and towering mountains. This region is home to three of Canada’s most beautiful national parks—Banff, the first and most visited; Jasper, the most northern of the parks with glaciers and diverse wildlife; and Elk Island, where endangered plains bison and wood bison roam.

An hour out of Calgary, we found ourselves among beautiful foothills that serve as the Rockies’ scenic entryway: the Kananaskis region. For a rare and highly valued moment, the boys were speechless. Mountains surrounded them for the first time ever.

And it was official—we had arrived in bear country! Although we hadn’t seen any, signs were everywhere, serving as reminders to stay safe. From the security of our van, we scoured the thick forests in the hope of spotting a grizzly bear. It had been at least 10 years since I had seen one in the wild, and I hoped for all of us that we would spot one—from a safe distance, of course.

After making it to our campsite at Sundance Lodges’ Kananaskis Campground, we unloaded our van and all of our camping gear. Once settled, the boys hopped on their bikes and darted down trails winding in and out of deserted campsites while I walked behind. We took a backcountry trail that led to a cliff and a sweeping view of magnificent Mount Lorette.

With tons more tolerance for the cold temps than I had, my carefree sons skipped stones and played in the Kananaskis River’s chilly glacier-fed waters. I relished the moment, pausing to soak it all in. Our special day was topped off with time around the campfire roasting marshmallows and then cuddling within the cozy confines of a heated tipi on the campground.

The trip kicked into high gear again the next day along the alpine hiking trails of Sunshine Meadows, just outside the town of Banff. A ski hill in the winter, the area straddles the provincial boundary between Alberta and British Columbia and offers clear views of some of the Rockies’ highest peaks. In summer the wildlife is abundant, the flora rich and the hiking amazing. The boys took in another first: a guided two-hour hike to Rock Isle Lake. Jovial, excited and awakened by the freedom to run, they dashed up the trail. We spotted a pine marten, found a recently overturned rock where a bear had been digging for flower bulbs, and we interacted with an entertaining ground squirrel. It was an easy introductory trail.

Few road trip routes compete with the constant unmoving beauty found while driving this stretch of country. The road between Banff and Jasper, known as the Icefields Parkway, has been recognized many times as the most scenic drive in the world. This was noted within our van as collective gasps filled the air, growing in volume, especially as we neared Jasper National Park.

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By 9 a.m., we were suddenly transported from summer to winter with a visit to Jasper’s Columbia Icefields, the largest icefield in the Canadian Rockies. Whisked away via Terra Bus, my awestruck boys were delighted with its monster truck appeal, thoroughly enjoying the ride over to the Athabasca Glacier.

Standing on 200 million tons of ice, more than 900 feet thick—or as high as the Eiffel Tower—was completely surreal. I proved to be Mother of the Year as my boys refused to wear boots and instead opted for flip-flops. On the ice. We explored the barren, white landscape beside a host of tourists who were better prepared for the cold conditions than we were, wearing winter gear and filling empty water bottles with fresh glacier water found trickling down icy crevasses.

After a short bus ride we arrived at Glacier Skywalk. This glass-floored observation platform 918 feet in the air juts out 100 feet from the side of a mountain. The only thing that separated us from the glacier-formed valley and waterfalls below was glass. Fog that morning was thick and the platform slick. My boys skidded and played around the curvature of this design marvel.

Our journey wound down the next day four hours east at Elk Island National Park outside Edmonton. Exhausted from our whirlwind adventures, we took it easy, biking a bit and then driving around admiring sweet marshy spots that are home to hundreds of bird species. We circled the bison loop and saw a few in the distance. On the way back to camp we got a closer look.

It was a standoff. A giant but docile male bison stood in the middle of the road. Studying us for a moment, he nonchalantly walked by.

Though we saw no grizzly bears, the bison experience made up for it. Sleeping under the bright stars that night, I realized I won my bet.

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Does this sound familiar?

A friend I’ll call “Ed” kept pushing me to contribute to my school’s alumni fund. The more he called me, the more stubborn I felt that my answer was, “No.”

I felt that not only did I lack the money necessary to contribute in order to make a true difference, but I also knew whatever I could give would be paltry in relation to what the fund had already accumulated.

Finally, Ed said, “You’re the only person who hasn’t said yes.”
Maybe that was the truth. Maybe not. Knowing Ed — and his narcissistic ego — I sensed his motivation behind so actively pursuing my contribution had more to do with his desire to be able to say he got 100% of our class to contribute.

So I said, “I guess that’s the way we’ll have to leave it.”

We all receive unwanted requests from time to time. Some deal with money. Some deal with our precious time. Maybe you’re more generous than I was, or maybe you’re less stubborn. Your response may vary according to the situation, and whether or not you currently possess the resources, abilities, or time needed to oblige.

Learning to say no when requests are unreasonable, impossible, or simply unwanted frees your energy, time, and financial resources so you can say yes to those things you find truly important.

Here is a simple two-step process to identify how and when to confidently say, “NO.”

1. Identify the driving motivational tendencies beneath your difficulty saying no.

In general, women (particularly heterosexual women) find it more difficult to say no than do most men. Women are more concerned about hurting others’ feelings, and are generally more anxious about incurring hostility or resentment from the person asking.

You’ll know immediately that opportunities and issues lie within you as specific concerns and motivations are identified.

One of my closest friends has collected several people she calls her friends. I call them takers, and sometimes narcissists. The relationships she has with these people are one-way streets with aspects of co-dependency — a form of relationship dysfunction in which “one person’s help supports (enables) the other’s under-achievement, irresponsibility, immaturity, addiction, procrastination, or poor mental or physical health.” This dynamic often breeds greater dependency and postpones the other person’s progress, ultimately wearying if not draining the giver.

Too many of my own friendships have been based on such “helping” relationships. Over time, I began to realize how tired I felt being the useful one (if not used), in spite of satisfying my need to be needed, as well as to be seen as a good person. I had to be honest with myself and accept how lopsided these relationships were in order to then wean myself of the habit of forming relationships with needy people.

Now that I have, I’m able to enjoy balanced, mutually generous relationships.

And I’ve learned to request help myself!

Common motivations for those of us with difficulty saying no include:

•Fear of rejection
•Anxiety over the perceived threat of feeling lonely
•Preference for being seen as necessary and needed
•Conflict aversion
•Desire to uphold a self-image of generosity and kindness
•Need for control or superiority

2.  Practice the art of just saying no.

My mother used to describe her sister as a doormat before “people-pleaser” became a common term in our vocabulary. When people get used to your being in that role, you can expect continuing requests and even antagonism or resentment when you finally put your foot down. When you receive a response that makes you feel uncomfortable, use it as an opportunity to gather information about the foundation and value of that particular relationship.

Start by allowing yourself time to think before you answer. A simple, “Let me think about your request. I’ll get back to you by …,” is all you need to offer at first.

Next, give meaningful consideration to the request.

Ask yourself the following:

•Do I have the resources, time, and energy necessary to say yes and follow through?
•If so, do I really want to do it?
•How does this request align with or take away from my own needs and priorities?
•Will my involvement truly help this person, or will it serve to perpetuate their negative habits?
•How will I feel if I say yes now and find I can’t, or don’t want to, comply later?
•What are both the worst and best things that might happen if I say no?

If you reach the conclusion that, yes, your answer is indeed, “NO,” say so — politely and firmly.

If the person who made the request persists in asking you to reconsider, suggest alternative, comparable means of assistance — once. After which, simply repeat your refusal in a firm, pleasant manner as many times as necessary.

When the request comes as part of someone’s pattern of reliance on you, insist on setting a time and place to discuss the situation. Before that conversation takes place, take time to organize and clarify your responses, and well as to identify the outcome you would like to achieve.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

•What is the meaning and value of this relationship to me?
•What am I willing to do to (and what am I unwilling to do) in order to sustain and improve it?

If the requestor has authority over you, you can also identify a range of alternatives, ask for clarification of previously agreed-upon priorities that may need re-visiting, or provide an either/or option (i.e., should I do this or that?).

Pay attention to what’s important to YOU and use your own resources well.

Time, energy, and financial resources are all precious. Once used, they cannot be retrieved. Every time you say no, you collect opportunities to say yes to yourself and to your own preferences, values, hopes, needs, and goals. Paradoxically, you also increase your opportunities to contribute to others, and possibly to your relationships, when you say no. You allow others the ability to deal with their own issues, become more resourceful in seeking alternatives, and gain respect for your strengths and interests.

To make the time you’ve used reading this article count, decide on your own next actions. Choose one opportunity or situation within the next week where saying no will benefit yourself and possibly someone else. Identify two or three steps you will take to prepare for action. Schedule them — and then make it happen.

Finally, if you feel stuck or occasionally hit a roadblock repeat this personal mantra I’ve developed:

I will be as kind to myself as I am to others.

More from YourTango:

17 Signs He’s Crazy About You

9 Ways Strong Women Get Ahead In Life WITHOUT Losing Themselves

5 Secrets That Help You Be The Person EVERYONE Wants To Talk To

Article originally posted at YourTango

The post How to Say No to Narcissists and Takers appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Light is critical for our health and well-being. Two hundred years ago, 75 percent of the population worked outdoors; today, less than 10 percent work in natural light. As the brain needs 5000 lux of sunlight to operate correctly, the 400 lux available in an average office falls short and could contribute to light-related health problems. In addition, skin must be exposed to sunlight in order to produce vitamin D.

MORE: 9 Signs That Could Mean You’re Not Getting Enough Vitamin D

The right amount of light at the correct time of day ensures your body clock operates normally. Modern living has altered nature’s cues, resulting in a dramatic increase in light- deficiency symptoms such as seasonal affective disorder and sleeping problems. Light therapy has been developed as a quick way to restore equilibrium to the body all year round. It is also used to treat certain skin conditions.

How Light Therapy Works
Light therapy can be a valuable tool to rectify a lack of light during the day and therefore restore the balance of melatonin, the hormone that makes us sleepy, and serotonin, a lack of which is associated with depression. A light therapy lightbox mimics daylight without the harmful ultraviolet (UV) rays and timed sessions can be used to treat seasonal affective disorder. It can also fool the body’s internal clock into thinking it is a different time of day, which helps frequent travelers to combat jet lag.

Light therapy that includes UV rays is used to treat skin conditions such as eczema and psoriasis. In this case, your doctor will refer you to a dermatologist.

Having a Light Therapy Treatment
When referred to a dermatologist for light therapy to treat a skin condition, you are likely to need two or three treatments a week. Most people have between 15 and 30 treatments. You might be asked to take a psoralen tablet two hours before your session or take a bath with it added. It might be applied as a cream or gel if the area being treated is small. This is to make your skin more sensitive to UV light. You will have to wear UV protective glasses for 24 hours after taking psoralen as your eyes will be extra sensitive, too.

For the therapy you will be asked to undress, leaving on your underpants. You will be given goggles to wear and might be asked to apply sunscreen to sensitive areas. A test dose of UV light might be given to assess the correct dosage for you. You will then stand in a cabinet containing fluorescent tubes. The first few sessions may only last for a minute, with the time increasing for subsequent sessions.

Safety First
This therapy has few side effects, although some people experience mild headaches, nausea, hyperactivity or itchy skin. If you want to use a lightbox at home, buy one that is certified as a medical device. Consult your doctor before using if you have an eye problem or are taking antidepressants or medication for epilepsy.

Light therapy has not been widely tested during pregnancy or breastfeeding so it is best avoided or used only under medical supervision during these periods.

Where to Find Light Therapy
Your doctor will refer you to a dermatologist, or you can purchase lightboxes from reputable manufacturers online.

Get More Natural Remedies Doctors Approve!
The book Doctors’ Favorite Natural Remedies offers effective ways to treat more than 85 health conditions and evaluates the most commonly used alternative therapies and supplements. Learn more and buy Doctors’ Favorite Natural Remedies here.

The distinctive, sweet taste of licorice comes from glycyrrhizin, a substance which is 30 to 50 times sweeter than sucrose. The licorice plant is native to Greece, Turkey, and Asia and the black stuff is extracted from its thick, woody rhizomatous roots. The roots are boiled and most of the water is evaporated off before the extract is sold in solid or syrup form. A staple of traditional Chinese medicine, licorice is commonly added to other herbal remedies to enhance the flavor.

How Licorice Works
Numerous potentially healing substances have been identified in licorice, including flavonoids and plant estrogens as well as glycyrrhizin. Two compounds—licoricidin and licorisoflavan—have antibacterial properties that could kill some of the bacteria responsible for dental cavities and gum disease.

Scientists are interested in glycyrrhetinic acid, a derivative of glycyrrhizin, for healing peptic ulcers as it interferes with prostaglandins and encourages digestive mucus production. Applied topically, licorice root extract soothes the skin and makes it less likely to develop rashes and spots by eliminating the bacteria that cause them. Used as an expectorant, licorice can help to treat coughs by expelling mucus.

How to Use Licorice
Licorice is available dried—for use as a tea—as well as chewable tablets, capsules and as an extract. To treat sensitive skin, mix 5 drops of licorice root extract with water and apply. Leave for 20 minutes and then wash off. In one study, a gel containing two percent licorice relieved symptoms of itching, swelling and redness. Used in the form of a dissolving patch, licorice could reduce the discomfort of ulcers and other mouth sores.

Safety First
Studies have shown that licorice can increase blood pressure or cause muscle weakness and chronic fatigue and it is recommended that people do not consume more than 100 mg of glycyrrhizin a day. If you are taking a prescription medicine, check with your doctor before using licorice and do not take licorice while pregnant or breastfeeding.

Where to Find Licorice
Dried licorice and licorice products are available in health food stores or from a qualified herbalist.

Get More Natural Remedies Doctors Approve!
The book Doctors’ Favorite Natural Remedies offers effective ways to treat more than 85 health conditions and evaluates the most commonly used alternative therapies and supplements. Learn more and buy Doctors’ Favorite Natural Remedies here.

Dr. Amy Saltzman, author of A Still Quiet Place for Teens, presents valuable information on mindfulness in an eight-week format where teens are encouraged to read and practice each exercise for one week prior to moving onto the next section. The book presents sections on finding focus, facing challenges, improving relationships, and living a happier life. The exercises and ideas presented build on each other and Dr. Saltzman suggests teens complete the exercises in order.

The reader is given access to register online to download recorded practices and listen to each practice as needed. The registration also includes downloadable worksheets and video files. The sign up and registration are simple and easy to navigate. I found the audio downloads soothing and pleasant to listen to, even though they were a bit different from the written text.

The concepts and exercises are easy to use and understand, and are practical for everyday use. The book is divided into four sections where basic mindfulness concepts are discussed. Then the actual mindful practice is introduced with step-by-step instructions and reflections where readers explore their experiences.

For example, in the activity “How Did It Feel to Watch Your Thoughts?” readers practice bringing kindness and curiosity to the process of thinking and noticing. In the Reflection section, readers are asked questions such as, were you able to watch your thoughts come and go?, what percentage of thoughts were kind, unkind, or neutral?, and what percent of your thoughts would you say were true? These can be powerful questions to reflect on because they can show how each of your thoughts shape how you feel about yourself and the world around you.

In the section on stress and placing ourselves into boxes, Dr. Saltzman presents information about how these boxes can create stress. For example, it is easy to see how negative or unkind boxes, such as I’m ugly or I’m stupid, can create stress. Further activities encourage the reader to take a moment to consider the boxes that we put others into, such as parents or adults in the family, siblings, teachers, and friends. Dr. Saltzman reminds us that we are more than the boxes we or anyone else puts us into, and we can choose whether to believe the thoughts that come into our minds.

Emotions do not simply disappear. If feelings are not acknowledged and released, they are stored in our minds and become part of our physical make-up. With children, feelings that become stored and “stuffed” become activators for negative behaviors. Dr. Saltzman emphasizes that mindfulness doesn’t mean peace and calmness, but simply being aware of whatever is happening in the here and now. For example, if your mind is bored, your body exhausted, and your mood excited and you are aware of this experience, you are being mindful.

The book emphasizes that being aware of our thoughts is a powerful tool and incorporating mindfulness activities into our daily practice can strengthen the mind. Self-management techniques reduce an adolescent’s pain, anxiety, anger, and can give the adolescent an increased sense of control over self and challenging circumstances.

Relaxation involves a distinct physiological state that is the opposite of the way our body feels and reacts under stress and tension; and relaxation is incompatible with stress. The physiological responses found in the state of relaxation are the opposite of those found in the fight or flight response: heart rate and blood pressure drop; breathing rate decreases; muscle tension decreases.

So it’s important to find the right technique for each individual, but Dr. Saltzman’s book is a wonderful resource for teens to use to begin the process of being in the here and now and slowing down their minds and bodies. The book is also a great resource for educators, counselors, and parents, and can be utilized in group therapy.

A Still Quiet Place for Teens: A Mindfulness Workbook to Ease Stress & Difficult Emotions
Instant Help Books, March 2016
Paperback, 168 Pages
$16.95

For thousands of years, altered states of awareness—such as hypnogogic trance— have been employed for their psychological benefits. Using an individual’s subconscious mind, a hypnotherapist will attempt to bring about change through the power of suggestion. Dealing with emotional issues, health problems, insomnia, phobias, and weight loss are just some of the therapy’s applications.

Forms of hypnosis were practiced by many ancient civilizations, including the Romans and the Druids of ancient Britain. As scholars gained a deeper understanding of human psychology the concept of hypnosis was refined from the 15th and 16th centuries onward.

It was the work of Austrian physician Dr. Franz Anton Mesmer in the 18th century that popularized hypnosis, though his methods were somewhat dubious. Indeed, the word “mesmerize” is derived from his name. Dr. James Braid, Dr. Emile Coue and Sigmund Freud did much to authenticate the practice and advanced our understanding of its applications.

William J. Bryan Jr. became the first full-time practitioner of hypnotherapy and created the American Institute of Hypnosis in 1955. Today, hypnotherapy is readily available and has been shown to offer a considerable range of health benefits.

How Hypnotherapy Works
The term “hypnosis” comes from the Greek word hypnos, which means “sleep”; however, people have described the hypnotized state as feeling more like daydreaming. A hypnotherapist will help a patient to enter a trancelike state by inducing deep relaxation. Then the therapist will direct beneficial suggestions (previously agreed with the patient) directly to the patient’s subconscious mind. The patient remains in control while hypnotized and can bring themselves out of the hypnotic state at any time.

It is thought that hypnosis works by altering a patient’s state of consciousness in such a way that the analytical left side of the brain is turned off and the nonanalytical right side becomes more alert. As the subconscious mind is deeper-rooted and more instinctive, this is the part that has to change for a person’s behavior or physical state
to alter. A person who is terrified of flying, for example, might consciously try everything they can to overcome this. However, the phobia will remain while the subconscious mind retains this terror.

Hypnotherapy is used to help with or alleviate a wide range of conditions. There is some evidence that it helps people suffering with cancer and other serious illnesses deal with the pain, stress, and anxiety of their disease. The therapy can be used alone or alongside prescribed pain medication
 for pain management. Among the problems it has been used to manage are irritable bowel syndrome, sciatica, burns, joint pain, neck pain, and other injuries and illnesses. Studies suggest that using hypnosis to treat chronic pain resulted in a significant reduction in perceived pain, which was often maintained for several months.

There is even evidence that hypnosis can be used to treat warts. One report cites a seven-year-old girl with 82 warts that disappeared after hypnotherapy, despite having failed to respond to other treatments for 18 months.

What’s a Visit to the Hypnotherapist Like?
For hypnotherapy to be effective, a good rapport between client and therapist must be established. It is essential to feel at ease. Wear comfortable clothes and visit the bathroom before your appointment. And don’t be afraid to ask questions before you start.

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A hypnotherapist will begin by taking a detailed case history to establish your mindset, personality type, the problem you wish to address and the desired outcome. Next comes the hypnosis itself. The hypnotherapist’s gently guiding voice will lead you into a state where body and mind are relaxed and almost asleep. At this stage, the therapist will introduce the things you wish to change or work on, as previously discussed and agreed on with you.

Finally, following the hypnosis, the therapist will encourage you to discuss your experiences during the session and any insights gained.

How to Use Hypnotherapy
In addition to attending sessions with a qualified hypnotherapist, self-hypnosis can be used to modify behavior, emotions and attitudes. Many people use self-hypnosis to help deal with everyday problems, to boost confidence and develop new skills. It can
be used to relieve stress and anxiety, overcome problems such as overeating or smoking, or to boost the immune system. It is popular among athletes to improve performance. Self-hypnosis techniques include eye fixation and guided imagery.

Safety First
Hypnotherapy should not be
 used on anyone suffering from psychosis 
or with a personality disorder, as it could
 make these conditions worse. If you do use a hypnotherapist, check that they are accredited and ensure they are trained specifically to work with your particular condition. Children should only be hypnotized by therapists trained to work with their age group.

Where to Find a Hypnotherapist
It is important to find
a therapist with extensive training and experience. No formal licensing exists in
 the United States to govern hypnotherapists but your doctor should be able to refer you to a health professional experienced in hypnotherapy.

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