Lisa Find Love

It’s not just about not smoking (although that is key).

Read this before you roll up your sleeve.

Yes, honesty is the best policy. But it’s totally fine to keep a few things to yourself, even when you’re married. Here are a few guidelines on what tidbits are acceptable to stay private from your spouse.

Stress is contagious, but don't let other people's anxiety drag you down.

How far would you walk for someone you love? Ten miles? Fifty? One hundred? How about a thousand? As detailed in his book, Walking with Plato, journalist Gary Hayden set out to do just that, accompanying his wife, Wendy, on Great Britain’s longest walking challenge, End to End. Although the trip begins more as a physical challenge for Hayden, his journey becomes a meditation on walking, our relationship to nature, and philosophy.

Like the Appalachian and Pacific Crest Trails in the United States, End to End is a physically demanding, long-distance walk many undertake to fulfill a life goal. Unlike these trails, however, End to End has no set path, but rather makes use of many different trails and roads across the British Isles. Participants walk from John O’Groats in Scotland to Land’s End on the South West Coast, or vice versa, with trips ranging from 850 miles in six weeks to 1200 miles in three months, depending how direct the route is. For more scenic-minded hikers, the walk traverses some of Britain’s most beautiful and challenging trails. For those taking more direct routes, it means a lot of trudging along highways. Campsites are available to all, although many stay in hostels and bed and breakfasts along their routes.

Splitting their journey into chapters with each covering several towns and landmarks, Hayden relates his and Wendy’s experiences with each section of the hike, from their grueling first days to their bittersweet but triumphant arrival at the coast and Land’s End. The two battle blisters, downpours, guard dogs, bogs, broken equipment, exhaustion, and the monotony of long-term walking. We learn the ways in which their bodies and their minds change over the course of their journey — how strange ordinary life begins to seem and how they respond differently to discomfort and adversity.

However, Walking with Plato is not a blow by blow of their trip. In fact, Hayden admits he doesn’t have much of a memory for scenery, in the mode of most travel writing. Nor does he intend to offer a guidebook for would-be End-to-Enders.

Instead, the book is a blend of trip anecdotes with more introverted reflections, relating both the physical and psychological effects of their walk on a backdrop of philosophical discussions. Hayden prefaces each chapter with a quote from a relevant text, including Plato’s Republic and Symposium, Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Nature, and Wordsworth’s “I Traveled Among Unknown Men.” Additionally, the text itself considers the musings of still more of our greatest thinkers, including Rousseau, Nietzsche, Bertrand Russell, Tennyson, Bashō, and many others.

Happily for lay readers, Hayden’s discussions are not purely academic; he delves into the personal lives of his subjects as well. His considerations of Rousseau’s battle with depression and subsequent solace in solitary walking are particularly poignant — and of course highly relevant to the subject of Walking with Plato.

So, although these musings may first appear to be digressions, they actually form the heart of the book and ultimately feel as organic and necessary to the narrative as Hayden’s descriptions of mountains and moors. It is as though the reader is walking beside him, listening to his associations and discussions of philosophy, literature, and life. Although not quite a memoir, Walking with Plato is a highly personal read, and Hayden’s warm, funny style lends itself well to this approach, inviting the reader along for the adventure.

Consequently, the book should appeal to fans of travel writing, hiking, and philosophy alike. And for readers unfamiliar with the texts Hayden references, never fear. He explains everything quite clearly, quotes liberally, and assumes no knowledge on the part of his audience. Rather, he presents these authors’ inquiries in a manner accessible to everyone, offering them as questions relevant to any individual, which, of course, they are.

Finally, for those interested in the psychological effects of walking — particularly as it benefits those suffering from depression and anxiety — you will not find a comprehensive text here. But Hayden does offer some consideration of those topics, establishing an ideal starting point for those hoping to read or think more about the relationship between our mental health and the natural world. Indeed, it may be almost unavoidable to close this book without unearthing some new interest or perhaps revitalizing an old one: be it reading Plato’s dialogues or undertaking a long hike of one’s own. Or perhaps readers will simply make their way outside for a stroll. Whatever the project, the point will not be the destination, but the journey. And if one should happen to entertain some philosophical questions along the way, that’s even better.

Walking with Plato
Oneworld Publications, July 2016
Paperback, 240 pages
$19.99

test

Yes, UTI symptoms can be obvious. But please pay attention to these.

Before expanding into a commercial-scale, pasture-raised egg production business, my husband, Jason, and I were backyard chicken keepers. Looking back, it was an idyllic time. I was content with our five ladies scratching around the yard.

Jason’s earnest attempt at urban farming provided the confidence to dream bigger. He sought after and received invaluable advice from the fine folks at Lake Superior Sustainable Farming Association, University of Minnesota-Duluth Center for Economic Development and Springfield Farm in Maryland. In 2012 we hatched Locally Laid Egg Co., envisioning farmers market-quality eggs in grocers’ dairy cases.

That first year we grew from a handful of hens to about 2,500 Rhode Island Red, Red Star and Bovans Brown chickens. It wasn’t easy. We attempted during winter months to keep chickens in hoop coops modified with insulation. The timing couldn’t have been worse. Record cold battered northern Minnesota with temperatures plunging down to 25 below zero for days at a time.

We left our rented land and bought a farm in Wrenshall with a barn that we dressed out with dust baths, roosts, and hay for foraging. We installed poultry lighting to keep the birds laying through the winter, though at a reduced rate.

Except in winter, our salad-eating poultry athletes are pasture-raised, which means they can partake in the salad bowl that is the open field. These birds can run around, stretch their legs and enjoy clover, flowers, seeds, grasses, bugs and any ill-fated frogs that jump into the paddock. This varied fare gives our eggs more flavor than those from chickens fed a commercial diet. And Penn State University research demonstrated that pasture-raised eggs have twice as much vitamin E and omega-3 fatty acids, which help prevent heart disease and stroke, and may help control conditions like eczema, lupus and rheumatoid arthritis.

On the new farm, our ladies still live most of the year in hoop coops. These are similar to the kinds of structures that grocery and home improvement stores set up in their parking lots to sell plants in spring.

Each morning, my brother-in-law, Brian, opens up the screen doors, and chickens rush into paddocks we created with solar electric fencing. In a few days, after the hens have pecked down the grasses and thinned the insects, we move the electric fence onto new pasture.

While the birds are out, Jason and Brian freshen the waterers; fill the feeders with a supplemental ration of non-genetically modified corn, soy and vitamin mix; and make sure there’s plenty of hard calcium in the free-choice bins. Then they collect eggs from the nesting boxes and store them in our walk-in cooler to await processing. Twice a week the washing team loads thousands of eggs into our 1954 Aquamagic egg washer, where they are scrubbed and candled to set specifications. Then we weigh and pack them.

We thought caring for livestock and dealing with government rules were challenging, but then we tried to get shelf space in stores. Jason’s willingness to show grocers the quality of our eggs was key.

We also found out that news and social media coverage involving our firm made it easier to get orders. When customers ask for a product, grocery managers will stock the product. Soon we had the brand presence to attract a distributor.

We were still in our rocky first year when other farmers started to ask if they could produce for us. I was skeptical of this contract egg production, given its history of diluting the vitality of family farms.

We realized, however, that fair contracts, along with local selling, could bring tangible benefits to the communities that farmers represent. It also could help us meet increasing demand. In 2013, we worked with one partner farm; now we have seven. Together, we now produce more than 7,000 cartons weekly.

Sales recently helped one of our partners buy the farm he had been renting. Receiving good news helps balance the challenge of attempting to make a living in agriculture.

If you’d like to know more about our operation, you can pick up a copy of my book, Locally Laid, or visit our website, locallylaid.com.

Painful periods are a big endometriosis symptom, but it’s far from the only one.

You’ve been on track and eating well during most of the day—until hunger pangs start to hit you late at night and you reach for the cookies, ice cream, or other snacks that sabotage your diet. Here’s how to cut down on your late-night snack habit.

About 34 percent of U.S. adults have metabolic syndrome, but the symptoms are so common they can be easily ignored. If you notice any of the following signs of metabolic syndrome, talk to your doctor.

One thing is definite about obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is creative, with no shortage of themes to latch onto. Typically, OCD will attack the very things the person with the disorder holds most dear. Training to reach your dream as an Olympic swimmer? OCD will make you fear the water. Just get that job promotion you’ve been working toward for years? OCD will try to convince you that you’ll never be successful in your work. Met the love of your life? The one you’ve been waiting for? OCD will make you question the relationship over and over. This last example of OCD is actually quite common, and widespread enough that it has a name: Relationship OCD or R-OCD.

Those with R-OCD struggle with the belief that perhaps they should no longer be with their spouses (or significant others) either because they think they might not really love them, aren’t compatible, or whatever. The reasons the relationship has come into question are not important. What matters is that the person with R-OCD is looking for certainty; a guarantee that their choice of partner is the right one. They just want to be sure. To be clear, I’m not talking about those fleeting thoughts that we all have once in a while. I’m talking about unrelenting, strong obsessive thoughts that tell the person with OCD to get out of the relationship. These feelings are so overpowering that some people even become physically ill because of them.

One of the reasons why these thoughts might be so distressing is because those with obsessive-compulsive disorder know their thoughts are not rational. They know how much they love and care for their partner. But these thoughts torment nonetheless. They incite doubt. It’s not surprising that it can be upsetting and confusing to not only the person with OCD, but to his or her significant other as well.

R-OCD is most common in those who exhibit other symptoms of OCD, and for these people, R-OCD might not be too difficult to diagnose. But there are some people whose OCD only revolves around relationships and these cases of R-OCD might go undiagnosed.

So how to you know if you are dealing with R-OCD? Couples have issues and end relationships all of the time for all kinds of reasons. Certainly it’s not always due to R-OCD. How can we sort out what’s really going on?

I highly recommend reading this article which can help you figure out if R-OCD might be an issue. If you are dealing with obsessive thinking and intolerance of uncertainty, for example, then seeking professional help is probably a good idea.

The treatment for R-OCD is the same as for all types of OCD. Exposure and Response prevention (ERP) therapy is the frontline psychological approach for treating the disorder. Finding a therapist who specializes in treating OCD is imperative. Left untreated, those with R-OCD commonly will either be in an on-again off-again relationship with the same person, or be in a series of failed relationships. 

OCD can be a devastating disorder that wreaks havoc on a person’s life. In my opinion, Relationship OCD is one of the most heart-breaking types of OCD. It attacks one of the most basic of human needs and desires — to love and be loved.

If you think you might be suffering from R-OCD, please seek appropriate help. The good news is that it, like all forms of OCD, is highly treatable, and you can go on to live a life filled with love. 

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During an important conversation or meeting, letting out a big yawn (or two or three) can make you look bored and uninterested, even when you're not. Try one of these tricks when your yawning is getting out of control.

Spending an hour digging through clearance racks not your thing? Try these super easy ways to be a little more frugal in your everyday life.

Potassium is a crucial electrolyte that helps your muscles, but if your levels are too low, you could be in trouble. If you match many of these signs, you might want to ask your doctor about a potassium deficiency. Better safe than sorry!

If you’ve ever been pregnant, had spicy food, eaten too much, or just generally been an adult human being, you’ve probably had heartburn at some point. Usually, it’s nothing to be alarmed about, but there are instances when you shouldn’t ignore it.

You can stay close during any stage of Alzheimer’s disease or dementia. Here’s how.

We asked more than 5,000 people to vote in our annual survey. Here, the 40 brands that you count on to deliver quality, value, and reliability.

Many farms sprout a few scarecrows in the autumn. But Remlinger Farms, located in Carnation, Washington, boasts more than 500 of these greeters at its Fall Harvest Pumpkin Festival.

They beckon from the highway, welcome visitors to the farm, and point out parking as well as the farm store, restaurant and bathrooms. Scarecrows drive vintage tractors and wagons, hang by their knees from trees and operate antique trucks, plows, fire engines—even an old grindstone.

Billie and Jim Nelson, with 20 years of experience, create and deploy this happy-go-lucky fall workforce. Billie took over from the original scarecrow artist in the 1990s and enlisted the help of her husband, Jim. “Jim is the artist,” says Billie, an employee at the farm for more than 30 years. “He paints all of their faces.”

Each year when the leaves begin to change and nights get cooler, Billie and Jim open the scarecrow dormitory above the machine shop and assess the health of the old hands. They revive stuffing and clothing and create new characters.

The couple attempts to make each scarecrow unique. Over the years, Jim developed several expressions, from grinning grown-ups to smiling toddlers, but you also will notice an occasional grimace, angry frown or wistful face. After all, the life of a scarecrow isn’t all fun and games.

Once Jim finishes creating a face on the cloth head Billie has sewn, Billie begins securing buttons and zippers and sews raffia to pant legs and sleeves. She stuffs the bodies with plastic bags, which hold up better than traditional straw in the wet Washington weather. Before the farm opens for the season, Billie and Jim transfer loads of scarecrows from the loft to the bed of their truck, then spend days displaying the stuffed workforce all over the 200-acre farm and surrounding rural roads. Visitors say scarecrows thumbing rides, sitting on fences and maneuvering old bicycles are what draw them to the farm.

As with all scarecrows, garments are secondhand. But they’re not just Goodwill bargains. Billie uses many clothes that once belonged to the farm staff. Walk about the grounds with supervisors or park managers, and they’ll point out a shirt and pair of pants worn by their toddler son or a cheerleader outfit that they wore in high school.

Bonnie Remlinger and daughter Diane, who handles the day-to-day operation of the farm along with her husband, Will, are not spared the dubious distinction of having scarecrows model their old blouses and sweaters. Jeans, baseball caps and team jackets can be traced to Gary Remlinger, Bonnie’s husband and a second-generation farm owner.

Billie herself joins the scarecrow legion during the fall festival. She puts on designer duds with fancy patches and Minnie Pearl-worthy straw hats. She and other guides point out the actual scarecrows lounging on fences and note: “My relatives—who just hang around while I work.”

The Nelsons love watching farm visitors laugh at the scarecrows. When asked if she’s ever been tired of scarecrowing, Billie says, “I’m here because I enjoy it.”

It’s fun to imagine that on some moonlit autumn nights, those 500 scarecrows hop down from their perches to hold a fall festival of their own. With all the character the Nelsons have given them, it wouldn’t be a surprise.

In December 1953, my then-girlfriend, Robin, asked if I would stop by a local drugstore to pick up her roommate, Jody, and take her home. Robin had told Jody, “Here’s one you can’t take away from me,” to which Jody had replied, “Who’d want to? He’s a stuffed shirt!”

The girls all went home for Christmas, but Jody came back early to work. In January, I asked Jody out, and she agreed, reluctantly. And on only the third date, I asked her to marry me! She said no.

We were together every night, and just before I kissed her good night, I would always ask her, “Will you marry me?” Every night the answer was no. About three weeks later, as I started to kiss her good night, she asked, “Aren’t you forgetting something?” I replied, “I don’t think so …” She said, “You didn’t ask me to marry you.” I answered, “You’d just say no.” She said, “Well, ask me anyway.” So I asked, and she said, “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

Years later, she confessed that after that first date, she had written her mother and told her she’d just met the man she was going to marry!

MORE: Marriage Advice From People Who Have Been Together 50+ Years

As a young man just out of basic training at the end of World War II, my father-in-law, Robert Furgason, needed a job. Somehow, he decided to sell popcorn.

Building materials were hard to come by, so Dad made his wagon entirely out of recycled items. A pingpong table became the floor, a Model T frame was the chassis, and the sides were made of Masonite walls with removable screens. A traveling sign painter added color and class for just $25.

Dad asked his Uncle Harry to co-sign a $100 loan for the popper and a peanut roaster, and then he was in business—and business was brisk! During his first weekend, Dad made enough to pay back the loan. He sold his popcorn for 10 cents a small box, 25 cents for a family-size box. Peanuts cost 15 cents. The prices never changed during the seven years Dad owned the wagon.

The wagon was movable, but it mostly stayed in one place: across from a lively park where dances and picnics were often held. On a busy night, Dad would make at least $100, selling to a line that stretched quite a ways. His humble business, combined with the GI Bill and his day job at a lumberyard, paid his way through college.

On March 7, 1953, Donald Watkins, a WWII veteran and China Marine, shot and killed his wife and mother-in-law. Judged criminally insane, Watkins served his sentence for this crime at Fairview State Hospital in Pennsylvania, one of the most abusive institutions for the mentally ill in American history. Eventually released thanks to the efforts of two young law students, Donald rejoined society—he even married again. It’s probably hard to imagine the woman who would marry a convicted murderer; it may be even more difficult to imagine your seventy-two-year-old mother doing so. And yet, that is exactly the story Diane Cameron tells in Never Leave Your Dead: A True Story of War Trauma, Murder, and Madness.

It is not a sensationalized book, but it is a patchwork book — part memoir, part biography, part history. And since Watkins has been deceased for twenty years, Cameron’s sources are secondhand. But Never Leave Your Dead traverses a number of topics, from the conditions at Fairview and St. Elizabeth’s to Cameron’s own experiences with Watkins to Thomas Szasz’s controversial theories. At times, it is intensely personal for Cameron, who writes fearlessly about herself and her family. At others, it is a tender and understanding examination of the psychological effects of war. For instance, Cameron uses simple narration to describe the day Watkins committed murder. She captures the haze of his disassociation, his pain, and his weariness. She writes not to erase his crime, but to better understand it. It is just one piece of the story she puts together, which is, as she notes, unavoidably out of order.

The chapters of Never Leave Your Dead are fairly short, lending themselves to the necessary switches in topic. In Chapter Four, “For God and Country,” Cameron introduces the China Marines, a group of men who served in Shanghai to protect the International Settlement there. This mission was an unsettling blend of licentiousness and horror. Shanghai was, as Cameron notes, “Paris on steroids, and the Marines were young and green.” With ready access to nightclubs, women, and shows, the China Marines were originally the envy of the military services. In the 1930s, however, with the Japanese invasion of China, the assignment became a horrific act of witness, as they observed the rape, torture, murder, and mutilation of thousands of Chinese citizens. Because of political conditions, the China Marines were unable to intervene or protect those outside the Settlement, producing intense feelings of survivor’s guilt and powerlessness.

While in the service and already showing signs of PTSD, Watkins attacked a friend and bunkmate, leading to his early discharge and commitment to St. Elizabeth’s Hospital in Washington, DC. Once committed, he was subjected to the mental illness treatments of his day, including electroconvulsive therapy. When he was released to rejoin society, he did not have any coping mechanisms to survive in post-WWII America. Meeting him many years later, Cameron describes a polite, quiet man with distinct tics and eccentricities, including the need to watch a particular television show at a particular time and a terror of driving on highways. These compulsions interfered with his personal life and his new family, and ultimately lead to tragic consequences.

These are just pieces of Cameron’s rich narrative, which intertwines her own struggles with those Watkins faced. Her research and pursuit of the truth about Watkins forms the skeleton of the text. As noted, she does not artificially assemble an orderly presentation of events. Instead, the reader experiences the organic unfolding of Watkins’ life as Cameron learns it. She details her experiences meeting the surviving China Marines, a colorful cast of characters if ever there was one. She introduces the two young law students, now middle-aged men, who arranged for Donald’s release from Fairview in the 1970s. And she engages the theories of Thomas Szasz, whom she meets on multiple occasions and whose theories of mental illness inform her own understanding of Watkins. But most importantly, she tells an untold story.

Full of the pain of war and horror of our history with mental illness, Never Leave Your Dead is by no means an easy read. And yet Cameron’s approach fully embraces the sentiment of the title, a central ethos of the Marine Corps. She could have easily left Watkins’ story untold, justified by the murder of two innocent women and her own complicated relationship to him. Instead, she asks us to consider Watkins’ life and the implications of his experiences in the military and afterward. She encourages us to meditate on the effects of war and how we care for — or more often don’t — those who come home after witnessing real horrors. And, using her own struggles, she draws meaningful connections between the pain of trauma and the pain of veterans’ trauma, not creating an unreachable other, but instead unifying them and us in our common humanity.

Never Leave Your Dead: A True Story of War Trauma, Murder, and Madness
Central Recovery Press, June 2016
Paperback, 176 pages
$15.95

When I was a senior in high school, back in 1959, I worked part time in a department store in Greece, a suburb of Rochester, New York. I was fortunate to work in the linen and drapery department with two of the sweetest ladies I’ve ever known, Millie and Viola, who would patiently listen to my teenage trials and tribulations as we worked.

That fall, my senior class was excited about the Harvest Ball. A week before the dance, my boyfriend and I broke up. As I was bemoaning not having a date, Vi said, “Maybe one of my sons could take you.”

I perked up, quite surprised. “You have sons?”

She said, “I have four sons, two unmarried. One is 20 and the other 27.”

I told her the 20-year-old could be OK, but I would have to meet him.

When Vi came back from lunch that day, she said Dave would be glad to take me to the dance and would try to get to the store before closing so we could meet.

Well, about a half-hour before closing, this shaggy-haired guy came into the store caked in mud from head to foot, looking like he hadn’t shaved in two weeks. I prayed, Please don’t let that be him. But Vi called me over and introduced him as her son.

Dave apologized for his appearance, explaining that he was a greenhouse worker for a popular florist, and the holiday season was already in full swing. He seemed very nice, and since he was Vi’s son, I knew I’d be safe enough going with him.

When he came to pick me up for the dance, I was floored. Beneath all that mud and hair was a really handsome guy. He had even thought to bring me a beautiful corsage of red sweetheart roses. We had a fine evening dancing and getting to know each other.

Coping strategies for anxiety include rest, exercise, meditation, and limiting alcohol and caffeine, which can trigger panic attacks, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. They also suggest indulging in some humor. Which we just happen to have for you.

If you've relegated baby oil to your baby's changing table, boy are you missing out.

The digital health world is so abuzz with hype about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), you’d think it was a brand new, end-all solution. Nope to both counts! To the first, CBT is hardly new; dedicated researchers and health professionals have spent years pioneering and refining it. Second, it’s not a panacea — though it is one of the most broadly effective evidence-based practices (and arguably the most easily digitized and scaled).

Therapy tends to be most effective when it blends different approaches and techniques to suit different client’s needs… a beautiful blend if you will! One that is curated by the skill of the therapist, the curriculum provided, and increasingly, the technologies used to deliver it.

In the wise words of our Director of Counseling, Chrissy: “Individuals and their situations vary greatly and it would be a disservice to only have one method to use with them. Even for an individual there can be variance between what works well depending on the particular issue. Using only one methodology would be like only having a screwdriver in your toolkit — sometimes it is exactly what you need but it doesn’t work well as a hammer.”

Here’s an example of a simple beautiful blend in action: how Narrative Therapy (NT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) have complementary strengths.

How does each type of therapy frame the issue/presenting problem?

CBT: Cognitive distortions — distorted patterns of thinking automatically intrude people’s  lives, causing unwanted emotions and behavior. Cognitive behavioral theory identifies various types of these unwanted thoughts specifically, such as “overgeneralization, “jumping to conclusions”, or “mind-reading” (1,2,3) .

NT: Problem-saturated life stories — negative and or disturbing narratives people have about their lives (4). “Impoverished” narratives ignore crucial aspects of one’s life, and “disorganized” narratives are incoherent and or do not produce meaning (5) .

What’s the goal of therapeutic intervention?

CBT: To replace negative cognitive distortions with patterns of thinking that lead to the client’s desired feeling and behavior; specific goals are closely defined by client (1) .

NT: To re-author personal narratives to reduce negative feelings regarding the past, and to engender new meaning, purpose, and identity (4) .

How is it achieved?   

CBT: In a highly structured, present-focused process, the client and therapist work together to identify cognitive distortions, challenge their validity, replace them with alternatives, and continue this process outside of therapy and after it ends (6) .

NT: Skillful, extensive questioning helps the client explore the past to become aware of problematic life stories and collaboratively re-author them. Taking a critical stance on the outside world and language used in narratives facilitates change (7) .

How might the two orientations complement each other to meet client’s unique needs?

CBT offers a clear and simple framework for transforming insights into action, demystifies the therapeutic process, and offers a clear avenue to improvement in the present. The downside of this present-focused, “power of the positive” philosophy is that it risks ignoring or invalidating client’s feelings as well as personal history. In this regard, narrative therapy can fill the void because, as a social constructionist perspective, it encourages empathic exploration of a client’s past and inner frame of reference, which can help them address feelings on a deeper level and provide cathartic release.

Furthermore, CBT centers around disputing “irrational” cognition, but doesn’t generally address how to deal with problems caused by a sociocultural context, such as the very real and painful effects of things like racism or poverty. The narrative therapy process gives clients room to acknowledge and critique how external factors have impacted their perspectives, ultimately to create a more empowering view of themselves and their strengths.

Still, NT can present its own set of both class and culture related barriers to clients. For example, people struggling with day-to-day survival issues of living in poverty may benefit more from CBT’s immediate, concrete action plans, as opposed to NT’s lofty goals of changing their life narratives and critiquing societal influences. Moreover, NT depends heavily on comfort and ability to extensively verbalize a narrative and self-disclose, which not everyone has. In fact, the notion of exploring personal narratives with a therapist is one that is quite outside the norms of most world cultures.

Comparing CBT and NT is a simple example, but in practice, the interplay between how different therapeutic approaches merge to meet an individual’s needs is far more complex; the strongest of emerging digital health tools will be the ones that master the management of this complexity as it impacts interventions across individuals and populations.

References:

1. Beck, A. T. (1963). Thinking and depression: Idiosyncratic content and cognitive distortions. Archives of General Psychiatry, 9, 324-333.

2. Beck, A. T. (1967). Depression: Clinical, experimental, and theoretical aspects. New York: Harper & Row.

3. Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. New York: International University Press.

4. White, M. & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative means to therapeutic ends. New York: WW Norton.

5. Dimaggio, G., & Semerari, A. (2001). Psychopathological narrative forms. Journal of Constructivist Psychology, 14, 1–23.

6. Alford, B. A., & Beck, A. T. (1994). Cognitive therapy of delusional beliefs. Behavior Research and Therapy, 32 369-380.

7. Besley, T. (2002). Foucault and the turn to narrative therapy. British Journal of Guidance & Counselling, 30(2), 125-143.

8. Hays, P.A. (1995). Multicultural applications of cognitive-behavioral therapy. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 26, 309-315.

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These timeless pieces will keep you warm and dry through any weather and occasion.

At Reader’s Digest, we’re always on the lookout for the best quotes ever uttered. We fill our buckets with stirring quotes that explain the meaning of life, wise quotes that stop arguments in their tracks, classic movie quotes that give us chills, epic quotes that changed history in two words or less and, simply, happy quotes that never fail to make us smile. Today, we are tickled to bring you this: the 75 funniest quotes of all time. Enjoy.

Part 1: Laughs from Gaffes
Bypass the remark you’d always regret in favor of the 
version you’ll shamelessly repeat…

Instead of saying this … 
“I thought Europe was a country.” —Kellie Pickler, country music singer
… Say this: “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”     —Stephen Colbert

Instead of saying this… 
“It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.” —Donald Trump (retweeting a Benito Mussolini quote)
… Say this: “The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won’t get much sleep.” —Woody Allen

Instead of saying this … 
“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.”  —Tara Reid, actress
… Say this: “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” —Billy Connolly, actor

Instead of saying this … 
“I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time 
I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt 
to home.” —Kanye West, rap artist
… Say this: “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie, British actor

Instead of saying this … 
“It’s really hard to maintain a 
one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” —Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N’ Roses
… Say this: “Bigamy is 
having one husband too many. 
Monogamy is the same.” —Anonymous

Part 2: Fight Ire with Fire
Fend off a cruel or foolish declaration with a zinger that 
will have the Hamptons buzzing…

Following an argument, an 
angry Lady Astor told Winston Churchill, “Winston, if you were 
my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Churchill snapped, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Surely nothing could be that funny.”
A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. Ali replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt.” The flight attendant’s retort: “Superman don’t need no airplane either.”

Seeing a male dog sniffing a 
female dog, the young daughter of Laurence Olivier asked Noël Coward what they were doing. Coward: “The one in front has suddenly gone blind and the other one has very kindly offered to push him.”

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When a fan asked Wolfgang 
Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer 
is said to have suggested, “Begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.” “But Herr Mozart,” replied the fan, “you were writing symphonies when you were eight.” “Yes,” said Mozart. “But I never asked anybody.”

In the 1960s, Joe Pyne, one of 
the original shock jocks, apparently began an interview with Frank 
Zappa by saying, “So I guess your long hair makes you a woman.” Zappa responded, “So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.”

Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a movie with John Barrymore, she declared, “Mr. Barrymore, I am never going to act with you again.” Barrymore replied, “My dear, you still haven’t.”

Director/writer Kevin Smith 
told Tim Burton that Burton’s Planet of the Apes reminded him of 
a comic book he’d written. Burton responded, “Everyone knows I never read comics.” Smith shot back, “That explains Batman.”

An acquaintance walked past 
 Algonquin Round Table member Marc Connelly and ran a hand over Connelly’s bald pate. “That feels 
just as smooth and as nice as my wife’s behind,” he said. Connelly,
 running his own hand over his 
head, remarked, “So it does!”

Leonard Nimoy was asked by a woman, “Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?” Nimoy’s reply: “May all your dreams come true.”

Part 3: Nine Things a Great Line Is Good For

1. Advocating: “You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” —Dennis Miller, comedian

2. Chiding: “To lose 
one parent may be 
regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde

3. Critiquing: “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder, director

4. Praising (and insulting): “She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” —Bette Midler

5. Creating hope: “Can 
you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” —Nicole Hollander, cartoonist

6. Waxing philosophical: “Start every day with a smile and get over it.” —W. C. Fields (attributed)

7. Looking inward: “I wish I had the confidence of the woman who boldly admits she’s the 
Miranda of her crew.” —Jessica Biel, actress

8. Piety: “Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, writer

9. Summing up the world: “Karaoke is the great equalizer.” —Aisha Tyler, talk show host

Part 4: Timed Lines
The right line at the right time is a thing of beauty. 
Memorize these tried-and-true replies for any situation…

It’s Thanksgiving dinner, and your Luddite uncle Ralph is at it again about how science is bunk:

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“I have noticed that even 
people who claim everything is pre­determined and that we can do nothing to change it look 
before they cross the road.” —Stephen Hawking, physicist

“The only people who still 
call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms.” —Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist

“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” —Richard Dawkins, scientist

“He was so narrow-minded, 
he could see through a 
keyhole with both eyes.” —Molly Ivins, author

“I’ve come to learn that the best 
time to debate family members 
is when they have food in 
their mouths.” —Kenneth Cole, fashion designer

A friend is considering getting married, and you have certain “insights” about the institution you’d like to communicate:

“They say marriages are made 
in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.”  —Socrates

“Before you marry a person, 
you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet 
service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

“Life in Lubbock, Texas, 
taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, 
and you should save it for someone you love.” —Butch Hancock, country musician

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” —Rod Stewart, rock star

Someone is pressuring you to do better. Time to lower the bar:

“All the things I like to do are 
either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott, actor

“When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” —Louis CK

“Part of [the $10 million] went 
for gambling, horses, and women. The rest I spent foolishly.” —George Raft, film star

“I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” —Charles Barkley, TV basketball analyst
“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” —Johnny Carson

A coworker asks your opinion 
of an insufferable boss. You’re happy to unload:

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” —Samuel Johnson, 18th-century author

“Her only flair is in her nostrils.” —Pauline Kael, film critic

“She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” —Jean Webster, author

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”  —Abraham Lincoln
“He is a self-made man and 
worships his creator.” —Henry Clapp, newspaper editor
“People who think they know 
everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov, science fiction writer

Part 5: Point/Counterpoint
How to win the argument, switch sides, then win again…

DOGS VS CATS
Point: “A dog teaches a boy 
fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley, humorist

Counterpoint: “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez, producer

WINE VS BEER
Point: “Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.” —Benjamin Franklin

Counterpoint: “Why beer is better than wine: human feet are 
conspicuously absent from beer making.” —Steve Mirsky, author

DEMOCRATS VS REPUBLICANS
Point: “The Democrats are the party that says government 
will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove crabgrass 
on your lawn.” —P. J. O’Rourke, writer

Counterpoint: “The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.” —P. J. O’Rourke, still a writer

MEN VS WOMEN
Point: “I’ve been married to 
one Marxist and one Fascist, and 
neither one would take the 
garbage out.” —Lee Grant, actress

Counterpoint: “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher

FICTION VS NONFICTION
Point: “The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” —Tom Clancy, author

Counterpoint: “Be careful about reading health books. 
You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain

OPTIMISTS VS PESSIMISTS
Point: “An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’” —Anonymous

Counterpoint: “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly 
surprised.” —George Will, columnist

BLONDES VS BRUNETTES
Point: “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton

Counterpoint: “It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.” —Raymond Chandler, author

CRITICS VS ARTISTS
Point: “He suffers from delusions of adequacy.” —Walter Kerr, critic

Counterpoint: “Critics are 
like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re 
unable to do it themselves.” —Brendan Behan, Irish author

Part 6: Who Said It?
How well do you know your famous quotes? Take the quiz.

1)     “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”

2)     “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not 
sure about the universe.”

3)     “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.”

4)     “If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”

5)     “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”

6)     “They say you shouldn’t say anything about the dead unless it’s good. 
He’s dead. Good.”

7)     “Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.”

8)     “The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going 
about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’”

ANSWERS:

1) Mark Twain; 2) Albert Einstein; 3) Helen Gurley Brown, former editor of Cosmopolitan;  
4) Will Rogers; 5) Oscar Wilde;  6) Moms Mabley; 
7) President John F. Kennedy; 8) Sinclair Lewis

Building a relationship takes a lot of work, and trying to maintain one over long distance is pretty much setting it up to fail. At least, that’s what pop culture tells us.

But over the past few years, researchers have collected some surprising data. Not only do long distance relationships work, but they can actually be healthier than close proximity relationships.

In 2015, Queen’s University researchers studied 1,142 relationships. All couples were in their 20s, 30 percent of them were out of college, and 77 percent were heterosexual. The results showed that people in long distance relationships indicated the same levels of intimacy, communication, commitment, sexual satisfaction, and overall satisfaction as those in geographically close relationships.

“It seems like the big finding here is that because of the distance, [long distance relationships] force greater communication and deeper communication,” says Vinita Mehta, PhD, a clinical psychologist and writer based in Washington, D.C. “If you live in the same area, you can sort of slide by with staying on the surface and perhaps not get a chance to really get to know each other, but long distance, because of the barrier, forces very deep communication.”

When our brains are repeatedly exposed to the same people and situations, they eventually become habituated, and we get used to these things as part of daily life. But when we encounter new stimuli, we respond with heightened senses, which is why new couples seem inseparable. In a long distance relationship, partners don’t become quickly habituated to each other, so the entire relationship can feel like a suspended “honeymoon phase.” Whether that’s a good or bad thing depends on the couple.

So far, no studies have researched how long a couple can stay long distance and still maintain a stable relationship, but Mehta believes stage of life is an important factor. A couple that met in college and then moved apart to pursue graduate degrees or career opportunities will handle a relationship differently than a couple that began dating long distance.

Mehta’s tip for making long distance work: Communicate and set clear expectations with your partner about the future, especially whether you see yourselves eventually ending up in the same city or not.

“These passionate romances can go on and they’re very fun,” she says, “but then it becomes not so fun if expectations are very misaligned.”

A quick glance at your smartphone can reveal quite a bit about your personality. You’ve set a wallpaper that makes you happy, downloaded apps revealing what’s important to you, and picked which of those applications get prominent positions and notifications. Even scrolling through your playlists reveals secrets your favorite music says about you.

But before you got started personalizing your phone, you had to pick the device itself. And your phone choice itself could predict aspects of your personality, found a University of Lincoln’s School of Psychology and Lancaster University study.

“Smartphone choice is the most basic level of smartphone personalization, and even this can tell us a lot about the user,” said Heather Shaw, researcher of the doctoral study presented at the British Psychological Society Social Psychology Section’s annual conference, in a press release.

The first part of the study looked into general perceptions of iPhone and Android users, and a second part examined if those stereotypes held up.

In the initial survey, 240 British participants ranked Android users as more open, agreeable, humble, and honest, while judging iPhone owners as more extroverted. (Read more about the hidden strengths of extroverts and hidden strengths of introverts.)

A follow-up personality test of 530 iPhone and Android users, though, found that most of those expectations didn’t reflect reality. More Android users were found to be honest and humble than iPhone users, as the volunteers had guessed, but the other assumptions weren’t accurate.

The researchers did, however, find other personality differences between Apple and Android. Those with iPhones rated owning a high-status phone as more important than Android users did. Plus, more Android users avoided similarity, suggesting they don’t want to have the same product as other people. Women were also twice as likely to have an iPhone over an Android in the study.

“It is becoming more and more apparent that smartphones are becoming a mini digital version of the user,” Shaw has said, “and many of us don’t like when other people use our phones because it can reveal so much about us.”

MORE: 13 Telling Things Your Handwriting Reveals About Your Personality

Check with your doctor if you’re experience any of these cystitis symptoms, described by Nicole Cozean, PT, DPT, WCS, CSCS and Jesse Cozean, MBA, in their book, ‘The Interstitial Cystitis Solution.’

Eat the foods you love while losing weight, preventing disease, and slowing aging—sound too good to be true? John McDougall, MD, explains why you should embrace carbs and starches in ‘The Healthiest Diet on the Planet.’

Want to understand power? Forget Machiavelli! For too long, argues Dacher Keltner, author of The Power Paradox: How We Gain and Lose Influence, we have accepted unquestioningly the version of power made famous by that sixteenth century author. To Niccolo Machiavelli, Keltner explains, power is “about force, fraud, ruthlessness, and strategic violence.” To Dacher Keltner, Professor of Psychology and Director of the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California at Berkeley, power is about making a difference in the world — a positive difference.

People can best attain power not by seizing it but by earning it by advancing other people and groups’ interests. People become powerful by being good people. They focus on others by giving to others, expressing their gratitude to others, offering empathy, and telling the kinds of stories that bring people together. That earns them esteem, status, and respect — all of which adds up to the very positive version of power that Keltner is describing.

Power as making a positive difference in the world is not at all what I expected when I decided to read Professor Keltner’s book. I already knew some of his work on power. I had read some of the individual studies he had published in scholarly journals. They are so creative, and sometimes even hilarious, that I couldn’t wait to see how he put them all together in his new book.

A few of his studies have made it into the popular press, so you may have heard of them even if you are not an academic psychologist. An all-time favorite is the cookie-eating experiment. Keltner brings together groups of three people and arbitrarily gives one person the most power by assigning that person the role of the supervisor over the other two. As the three people are working on their assigned task, an experimenter brings in a plate of five delicious cookies. With three people and five cookies, not everyone gets to have two cookies. Who is especially likely to take more than one cookie? The most powerful person, of course: The supervisors were nearly twice as likely as their supervisees to take a second cookie. Not only that, but the supervisors were also more likely to be uncivil by eating like slobs — with their mouth open, smacking their lips, and letting cookie crumbs fall out of their mouths and onto their clothes.

In other studies, powerful people were especially likely to speak in rude ways, interrupt others, and — I am not kidding — take candy that was set aside for children. They seem to be menaces on the road, too. Drivers of expensive cars are more likely than the drivers of modest cars to cut in front of other drivers, and even pedestrians, at four-way stops.

Those studies illustrate only one half of what Keltner calls the “power paradox.” They show what can happen once people become powerful. Power is like a drug. It can feel intoxicating. All of that kind-hearted focus on others that helps people gain power gets undermined once they have power. That’s when the powerful are tempted to focus instead on the rewards they can reap for themselves. If they give in to that temptation, they become self-serving, impulsive, disrespectful braggarts with little empathy for anyone. One risk is that they will be punished with gossip and the loss of their good reputations. Then their power is at risk, too.

By remaining aware of the risks of power, people who become powerful can maintain their positions and continue to do good. The key to enduring power, Keltner tells us, is this:

“Stay focused on other people. Prioritize others’ interest as much as your own. Bring the good in others to completion, and do not bring the bad in others to completion. Take delight in the delight of others, as they make a difference in the world.”

The other half of the power paradox, the good half, is the way in which doing good can be a path to power. As Keltner explains:

“The power paradox is this: we rise in power and make a difference in the world due to what is best about human nature, but we fall from power due to what is worst. We gain a capacity to make a difference in the world by enhancing the lives of others, but the very experience of having power and privilege leads us to behave, in our worst moments, like impulsive, out-of-control psychopaths.”

Professor Keltner describes the most consequential set of implications of his analysis of power in the chapter, “The Price of Powerlessness.” The most vulnerable people in society, including those who are impoverished or stigmatized or have few of the resources that are necessary for a decent life, are constantly on edge. They face more threats and greater stress. “Powerlessness,” Keltner notes, “is the greatest threat to a person’s promise of contributing to society, as well as to their individual health and well-being.”

It is apt that the Director of the Greater Good Science Center should end by encouraging us all to do good: “to fight racism, sexism, homophobia, and other identity-devaluing threats, and to give voice and opportunities to those who have been disenfranchised in the past.” And doing good is something we all can do, regardless of whether we have any wealth or fame or prestige. We can do it in small ways with our kindness and encouragement and empathy and expressions of gratitude. Following Keltner’s advice is a twofer: We get to make a positive difference in the world, and we become more powerful in the process.

The Power Paradox: How We Gain and Lose Influence
Penguin Press, May 2016
Hardcover, 208 pages
$26.00

A little discharge or crust around your eyes is normal, but a change in color, consistency, or amount could be a sign of something more serious. If any of the following eye booger traits sound familiar, talk to your doctor.

You're giving everything you own to the moving company, so look for these serious red flags for moving company scams.

Liking your things neat and organized is one thing; these OCD symptoms take it to another level.

Avalanche of kids’ toys, unfolded laundry, and yet-to-be sorted mail taking over your house? This storage furniture is coming to your rescue.

You’ve been waiting your whole life for this advice, curly girls.

It seems to me that there are more commercials than ever before on television for all kinds of medications, including SSRI’s (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors) which are antidepressants also used to treat obsessive-compulsive disorder. In these commercials there’s usually a person by themselves, gazing out of the window and looking depressed. Fast forward after taking the advertised medication, and this same person is out and about, smiling and enjoying life in the company of others, or perhaps twirling around as the sun sets in the distance. All is well. But wait. There’s one more part to these commercials, a very important part that many of us might not pay much attention to. That fast-talking voice at the end of the advertisement telling you that these drugs can cause a slew of dangerous side-effects, including anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts (especially in children, teens, and young adults).

I am an informed consumer. I read all of the little pamphlets that came with my son Dan’s medications, and was aware of all of these possible side effects. What I didn’t know was that this cluster of symptoms was common enough to actually have a name; it is known as activation syndrome.

On more than one occasion, Dan’s psychiatrist ignored my concerns and even looked at me condescendingly when I asked if my son’s marked increase in anxiety and depression might be a side-effect of one or more of the drugs he was taking. “Sure, blame the drugs,” I imagined him thinking. “That’s easier than admitting you have a very sick son.” Shouldn’t this doctor have known about activation syndrome, or at the very least, taken me seriously?

Dr. Eric Storch, an associate professor of clinical psychology at the University of South Florida, has researched activation syndrome with two colleagues. According to Dr. Storch’s site, “there is a dearth of data on the phenomenology and quantification of this putative syndrome, despite the relative frequency with which it occurs.”

So it does occur. And “relatively frequently” enough to warrant research. Now I am in no way advocating that everyone go and throw out their SSRI’s. Not at all. I’ve heard from enough people who say SSRI’s have really helped them fight their OCD to know that they do benefit some people. And of course nobody should every come off medication without the supervision of a medical professional.

That being said, I do think it is imperative that we all are aware of the potential side effects of any medications we might be taking. We need to know that activation syndrome is real, and it has the potential to be catastrophic. Part of the syndrome for my son involved suicidal thinking, which frightened him as much as it frightened my husband and me. Thank goodness we switched health-care providers quickly and got the right help. While medications prescribed for depression and OCD do have the potential to help some people, for others they cause more harm than good. I know this for a fact: It happened to my son.

Alias Ching /Bigstock

Pay attention to these menstrual cycle symptoms.

Think those labels on your package are self-explanatory? Not so fast. Those word and numbers aren’t always what they appear.

These autumn photos will make you start craving apple cider and planning your pumpkin picking!

You need these answers about your mammogram results.

The old romantic adage is a cute one, but according to recent studies, opposites don’t necessarily attract.

Research shows that people tend to seek out relationships with—and eventually marry—partners who have similar defining characteristics, such as age, political orientation, religion, education, and income.

“Generally speaking, when we think about opposites attracting or not, we’re thinking in terms of personality rather than these big key demographic factors,” says Vinita Mehta, a clinical psychologist and writer based in Washington, D.C.

One big factor as to why this may be is simply your stage of life: where you live, what lifestyle you have, and what kind of people you’re exposed to.

“If you’re on a college campus, by and large, you’re going to find people who are in your age group,” Mehta says. “You’re going to find people who at least eventually become part of the same general income strata.”

Researchers from the University of Kansas made a bolder claim. A study released earlier this year analyzed real-world relationships and asked couples (romantic partners, friends, and acquaintances) about attitudes, behaviors, values, prejudices, and personality traits that were important to them. The pairs that had closer and more intimate relationships were not necessarily more similar than newly formed pairs, and people shared similarities on almost every personal issue that was measured.

The lead psychologists on this study believe this doesn’t happen by chance; it’s so common and widespread that seeking out like-minded people may be our psychological default when we make new friends or romantic partners. We certainly get the most out of these relationships. They make us more comfortable and trusting of the other person, and that makes it easier to cooperate and achieve goals.

As far personalities go, connecting on major traits, like levels of neuroticism and conscientiousness, generally lead to happier couples. But that doesn’t mean you and your significant other need to agree on everything. Having different quirks—less defining parts of your personality, like your favorite sport or foods—can introduce you to new activities and ways of thinking, which can make you a more well-rounded person.

MORE: Surprising Secrets of the Most Happily Married Couples

For the first six months of Alexander’s life, I wanted to believe he might get well on his own. I would often lie down on the floor and make faces at him, trying to tease out a smile. Sometimes, after lots of effort, it worked. But mostly, my son was motionless and silent, his eyes focused on nothing in particular.

It was fall 2009, and my wife, Ashley, and I had only just moved into a new home in downtown Calgary, Alberta. We had a vivacious four-year-old daughter named Sloane, a grouchy Siamese cat, and an infant son who was a mystery. Alexander had been born hypotonic—floppy, basically—with an abdominal hernia, a heart murmur, strange folds on his ears, and a V-shaped birthmark in the center of his forehead. The geneticist assigned to us in intensive care, Micheil Innes, knew these were markers of a genetic disorder, but he couldn’t identify which one it was.

Even after Alexander was healthy enough to come home, he was undersized and underweight, hardly able to hold up his head. Amid the rush of feeding and diapers and getting Sloane to school, I could pretend he was just a little quiet and weak for his age. But the truth is, we often wondered if there was any awareness inside him at all.

The first tentative answer arrived on a dark afternoon in December. We were called to a small room at the Alberta Children’s Hospital, where Innes explained that a piece of our son’s genetic coding simply wasn’t there. He showed us Alexander’s lab results: rows of striped squiggles like some ancient alphabet and a red dot indicating the location of the missing material, near the end of the “q” branch of the ninth pair of chromosomes. The precise spot, in technical terms, was 9q34.3.

Innes then handed us a pamphlet that had been printed from a website. The document explained that “9q34.3 subtelomeric deletion syndrome” was usually an uninherited, spontaneous mutation, likely occurring at conception. The condition is also called Kleefstra syndrome, after a Dutch researcher who studies it. Innes believed there were fewer than 100 verified diagnoses worldwide at the time. Alexander’s developmental problems were born of a single cause—the tiniest of wounds, duplicated in every single cell in his body, forever. Because there were so few cases, the pamphlet provided anecdotes rather than a prognosis: a series of expected obstacles—to speech, mobility, learning—that our son might overcome, if lucky, after a lifetime of hard work.

Ashley and I drove home from the hospital in devastated silence, as if some vital swatch of our family’s fabric had been ripped away. We were terrified that our mute child would never walk or talk, let alone run across a playground or march up the aisle at his wedding. Later, as I watched Alexander in bed, I was too numb even to cry. I started to indulge in wishful thinking. Maybe he’ll simply catch up to his peers, I thought. Maybe someone will figure out how to fix this. I was convinced, in any case, that I couldn’t.

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A few days after meeting the geneticist, we were having dinner when Sloane left her seat and skipped to her brother in his high chair at the other end of the table. We hadn’t discussed Alexander’s diagnosis with her, but Sloane’s internal radar for her parents’ moods had always been impeccable, and we were both far too shaken to hide it very well. My wife, usually a boisterous, no-holds-barred play fighter, had already stopped the roughhousing as the house filled with a formless, boundless anxiety.

Sloane set herself up behind Alexander, hands clutching either side of his chair, and flung herself from one side of his head to the other. With each swing, she bellowed, “Hello, Mr. Chubby Cheeks!” Alexander began to swing his head back and forth in time with her. His face erupted in a gap-mouthed grin. And then, for the first time in his life, Alexander laughed. Hard. A sudden gurgling, exuberant laugh. And then we all did.

Somewhere on the other side of the diagnosis was a boy who could feel joy. It was our job to find him.

We began where almost all parents with a special-needs child begin: monthly visits to an overworked early intervention clinic that recommended rudimentary physical therapy—exercises to encourage rolling over and sitting up, for example. The workouts seemed arbitrary and totally out of proportion to Alexander’s need, like Band-Aids on broken limbs.

My wife pushed the therapists at the clinic for better ways to address Alexander’s disorder. They were kind and competent, but Kleefstra syndrome was a question mark for them too. The message was to wait and see, to react once Alexander’s symptoms were clearer. Had we acquiesced, the “intensive” part of my son’s therapy would’ve started around the age of three, at the earliest.

Ashley has never accepted the default position on anything, and when it came to her fear of her son’s diminished prospects, she was relentless. She used her background as a research editor and radio producer to dig deeper. Books on disability and the brain piled up on her bedside table. One title was Glenn Doman’s What to Do About Your Brain-Injured Child. Doman—who died in 2013, at 93—was the founder of the Institutes for the Achievement of Human Potential, an unconventional teaching institute in Philadelphia. Using its methods, neurologically impaired kids learn not only to walk and talk but to read and count—often well ahead of unimpaired peers. Ashley had been begging me to look at Alexander’s condition as a crisis that, though it could never be eradicated, could be treated. Here, finally, was corroborating evidence.

As a physical therapist in the 1940s, Doman was frustrated by the high failure rate of the techniques used on stroke victims and, later, children with disabilities. He and his associates at the clinic developed a new approach founded on the theory that the brain can grow and change through use—today called neuroplasticity. His clinic amassed evidence, case by case, that with enough hard work, kids like Alexander often exceeded every limitation that had been placed on them.

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At that point, the simple exercises at the clinic inspired nothing but frustration from Alexander. But following specifications in a book by Doman’s son, Douglas, my father and I built a “crawling track” in our living room. It was a simple ramp with low sides made of heavy plywood, like a jungle gym slide, wrapped in padding and turquoise vinyl. Following the instructions, we propped the track at an incline steep enough that Alexander’s slightest wiggle would result in movement. Then, against any number of parental instincts, we placed my son at the top. He was seven months old and had never willfully moved an inch in his life. He howled in protest, squirmed in defiance—and the motion sent him skidding down the track.

Within a week, he was propelling himself, angry at first, but eventually with resolve and even joy. We reduced the incline as he improved, until it was lying flat. A few months later, he crawled right off the end of it. And then he kept right on going.

We signed up for the next available introductory session at Glenn Doman’s clinic, now directed by his daughter-in-law, Rosalind. Alexander was the first diagnosed Kleefstra kid the clinic would ever treat.

In Philadelphia the following April, when Alexander was just 11 months old, we found ourselves surrounded by three dozen parents who had come from as far away as Belarus, Singapore, and India. In a week of all-day lectures, our expectations for Alexander—and for our role in his therapy—were turned upside down. The clinic’s program was wildly ambitious and nearly impossible to implement fully. It involved almost constant, regimented stimulation, physical activity, and intellectual engagement: daily crawling distance targets, reading and math exercises, workouts aimed at improving breathing and coordination—all of it done by parents themselves. As Rosalind told us at the time, “There are lots of reasonable programs out there. Trouble is, they don’t work very well.”

When we returned home the next week, we reorganized the main floor of our house around Alexander’s therapy. We filled our living room with mats and flash cards emblazoned with words and dots for counting. As part of Alexander’s physical therapy, we installed an elaborate “monkey bars” ladder apparatus. (Learning to walk while alternating hands on the rungs would help train Alexander’s brain in “cross-pattern” movement, and the raised arms would encourage good posture.) Our son’s diet was stripped of known allergens and inflammatories to eliminate any possible nutritional impediments to his development. His daily regimen looked like something prescribed to an Olympic athlete.

The standard approach for a developmentally delayed person is not this ambitious. But we didn’t want to wait until after our child’s malleable brain had stiffened into adulthood. Ashley and I now had the tools to make the most of Alexander’s crucial early years. We intended to use them all.

Ashley threw herself into running Alexander’s therapy program full-time, and my daily routine as a work-from-home freelancer soon involved at least as much duty as a therapy assistant. The stress was enormous, and our debt grew whenever we sacrificed more work time for Alexander’s sessions. For my wife, the manager of our ersatz team, administering the multiple programs meant constructing a self-made cage. Once, our professional lives had involved extended research trips, and now whole weeks could pass without either of us leaving the house except to ferry our daughter to and from school.

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Still, we agreed that the strain on our family was far better than the despair of not knowing what to do. We believed, most of the time, that there was a smart little boy straining to emerge from those flapping, disorganized limbs. Alexander’s program required a platoon of volunteer helpers, which meant most of our block knew all about his condition. The spring after he turned three, when he started to walk up and down the street on his own, his first trips were victory laps to cheering neighbors.

We would have to wait another year for proof that the reading and math exercises were sinking in. Day in and day out, we dutifully held up flash cards containing words and numbers, sentences and equations. But how could we know for sure how much of it was working when Alexander could speak only in fragments and monosyllables? Incontrovertible evidence came one day when we were in the car, about to pull out of a parking lot. Ashley was listing off rhyming words for Alexander to attempt to repeat. “Car,” she recited. Alexander repeated it.

Then they ran through far, bar, star.

Ashley paused, thinking the game was over. From the backseat came a thin, cheerful voice: “Guitar!” An unprompted, two-syllable rhyme. Our explosive cheer was so loud, it startled Alexander almost to tears. The kid could talk—and rhyme! Every agonizing day of his therapy had been worth it for that marvelous rhyme.

Alexander recently turned seven, and we no longer have reason to doubt his ability to learn. His daily life is an inventory of things he wasn’t expected to do—possibly ever, certainly not by now. He can tell you his name and address. He’ll ask you to draw a cement truck on his whiteboard, then spell the letters with glee as you write them out. At the grocery store, he counts off the aisles from the signs overhead, calling, “Aisle five!” with particular delight. Then we stand in beloved aisle five to wait for the automated checkout kiosks. “Commpooter!” Alexander announces as I sweep our groceries over the sensor, raising his arms in excitement. Gazing out from beneath a tussle of golden hair, his deep brown eyes are magnetic—they never fail to tease a smile from the checkout attendant.

Last fall, just a year behind schedule, Alexander started kindergarten in a standard classroom. Whatever his limitations are, he is nowhere near them yet. He might never be completely self-sufficient. But I believe if he winds up anywhere near such a state, it will be because, against the advice of many experts, we maximized every moment during his early years, when his brain was most able to reorganize itself to compensate for the tiny missing sliver of gene in every cell. I want Alexander to be seen as a model of how early intervention should be done: all day, every day, as much as a distressed family can possibly cram in, from the moment anyone suspects anything is wrong.

This, I hope, is my son’s lesson for all of us: Our approach to special-needs kids is completely upside down. We’ve only just left the dark ages when it comes to our understanding of how the human brain works. The potential waiting there is an enormous untapped resource. And, as Alexander has proved already, many of the limits we long believed were impossible to overcome fall away in the face of the right kind of hard work.