Lisa Find Love

People with bipolar disorder often suffer changes in mood that can be unrelated to anything going on in their lives. Research has shown that sometimes, however, a change in bipolar phases may be related to certain triggers, stress being a primary one for many.

But what about the weather? Can sunshine trigger a change in a person’s bipolar manic phase? Can rainy or cold weather trigger a depression phase?

To date, it is not yet clear what causes the change in a person’s bipolar disorder, switching from mania to depression or vice-a-versa. It is known that medications such as lithium can help attenuate or prevent these changes from occurring altogether.

Bipolar & Sunshine: Is It Seasonal?

The idea that changes in the seasons or weather might play an important role in inducing a manic or hypomanic episode in bipolar disorder can be traced back to Myers & Davies’ study from 1978 that examined hospital admissions due to mania and found a peak of mania episodes in summer and a nadir in winter. These same researchers also found a correlation between mania episodes and temperature in the month in question as well as the mean length of the day and mean daily hours of sunshine in the month before.

Some researchers have examined the correlation between a person with bipolar disorder’s change into a manic or hypomanic phase and the season of the year. Dominiak et al. (2015), for instance, found in their study of 2,837 hospital admissions, most mania admissions were noted in the spring and summer months, as well as in midwinter. These same researchers found that in late spring and winter a person was more likely to be admitted to the hospital for a mixed episode. And depression episodes were most likely to be seen in the spring and autumn months.

They went on to conclude:

The association between frequency of admissions and monthly hours of sunshine was observed in some age and sex subgroups of patients with bipolar disorder and single depressive episode.

The results support the seasonality of admissions of patients with affective disorders

These researchers weren’t alone in finding this correlation between sunshine and bipolar disorder’s manic phase. Newer researcher from Medici et al. (2016) also found evidence to support a connection between sunshine and the manic phase of bipolar disorder. Their large-scale study examined a whopping 24,313 hospital admissions of people with mania in Denmark from 1995 to 2012.

“There was a seasonal pattern with admission rates peaking in summer,” the researchers wrote. “Higher admission rates were associated with more sunshine, more ultraviolet radiation, higher temperature and less snow, but were unassociated with rainfall.”

Korean researchers Lee et al. (2002) found a similar correlation in 152 patients with bipolar disorder who were admitted into two hospitals in Seoul, South Korea: “The mean monthly hours of sunshine and sunlight radiation correlated significantly with manic episodes.”

A flawed 2008 study (Christensen et al.) couldn’t find an association between their 56 subjects and climate data (such as hours of sunshine, temperatures, rainfall, etc.). But the study’s small size meant they really didn’t have enough manic episodes to track, and so the researchers ended up using other measures (a mania rating scale, for instance) to act as a stand-in for actual mania. This makes the results of this study difficult to compare to other studies.

Does the Weather Cause Mania in Bipolar Disorder?

While it’s unclear whether or not weather — climate factors such as sunshine, rainfall, and temperature — actually cause mood changes in bipolar disorder, there appears to be strong, replicated scientific evidence that such changes may be related to or possibly triggered by the weather.

The actual strength of these changes likely varies from person to person. Weather alone is unlikely to be the most important or sole cause of a person developing mania or hypomania — but it seems like that it can be a trigger that people with bipolar disorder should be aware of.

References

Christensen, Ellen Margrethe; Larsen, Jens Knud; Gjerris, Annette; Peacock, Linda; Jacobi, Marianne; Hasselbalch, Ellen. (2008). Climatic factors and bipolar affective disorder. Nordic Journal of Psychiatry, 62, 55-58.

Dominiak, Monika; Swiecicki, Lukasz; Rybakowski, Janusz. (2015). Psychiatric hospitalizations for affective disorders in Warsaw, Poland: Effect of season and intensity of sunlight. Psychiatry Research, 229, 287-294.

Lee, Heon-Jeong; Kim, Leen; Joe, Sook-Haeng; Suh, Kwang-Yoon. (2002). Effects of season and climate on the first manic episode of bipolar affective disorder in Korea. Psychiatry Research, 113, 151-159.

Medici, Clara Reece; Vestergaard, Claus Høstrup; Hadzi-Pavlovic, Dusan; Munk-Jørgensen, Povl; Parker, Gordon. (2016). Seasonal variations in hospital admissions for mania: Examining for associations with weather variables over time. Journal of Affective Disorders, 205, 81-86.

Myers DH, Davies P. (1978). The seasonal incidence of mania and its relationship to climatic variables. Psychol Med, 8, 433-440.

People who are in a dark depression or overwhelmed by anxiety are not inclined to pick up a book to go through a self-guided program. However, people who recognize that something is wrong and have even a small bit of motivation could very well benefit from Retrain Your Brain: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks: A Workbook for Managing Depression and Anxiety, by Seth Gillihan. These are the people have some insight into how they feel but need the tools in order to make changes.

The assumption with this workbook is that readers can be active participants in CBT, since they are experts about themselves. For someone who is seriously depressed or highly anxious, though, I would encourage them to work through this workbook with a therapist rather than try to work through it alone.

In Part One — Before You Begin, Gillihan includes brief definitions about the different kinds of anxiety and depressive disorders. The intention is not for people to diagnose themselves or provide a thorough clinical definition of these issues, but to provide some idea of how a clinician would define some of the things they are struggling with. Gillihan then gives an overview of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). The key point is that our thoughts and actions are connected and it’s very difficult to change one without changing the other.

CBT is focused on the present and is a very active treatment where clients learn new skills. Gillihan says, “Knowledge about the benefits of physical activity is helpful, but we only benefit from actually exercising,” and the same thing applies for CBT. Reading about it is not enough. So, in Part Two, Gillihan introduces the seven-week program. Each week has a theme, information, and exercises to help readers work through their mild depression or anxiety using CBT methods. The seven themes are:

As a licensed therapist, I felt this was a practical book on CBT written for someone who is struggling with mild depression or anxiety. Readers who have a fair amount of insight into their behavior could benefit from this. The exercises each week are easy to understand and do not require any previous knowledge of the mental health field or CBT. And it is definitely written for the struggling person and not a clinician. For people who know that they are just not feeling “right,” this is a valid tool for helping them find a way to live more fully. They can do these exercises on their own and probably see some benefit within seven-week timeframe.

Those who have a more moderate case of depression or anxiety will definitely need some accountability to go through this book. Depending on the depth of their mental health concerns, they may not have the motivation to go through a seven week course. It does not necessarily mean that someone with a moderate case has to see a therapist, but I do think some kind of accountability partner would be important. For those who are severely depressed or anxious, this book would only be useful in conjunction with a therapist. The thought of doing these exercises and thinking in terms of seven weeks may overwhelm those who have more serious mental health issues. One hour a week is not enough for somebody to recover from a mental health issue so accompanying therapy with a guide such as this is very doable and will improve the chances of a successful recovery.

Retrain Your Brain: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks: A Workbook for Managing Depression and Anxiety
Althea Press, October 2016
Paperback, 236 pages
$15.99

An interesting phenomenon for psychological exploration among human beings is the combination of potential factors that motivate people to keep others in their surroundings perpetually happy and complacent.

Basic psychological theories, in one way or another, reveal that we possess a passionate love for ourselves¹. We tend to see our reflections in others’ eyes. In doing so, we try to adhere with relations, where we see positive aspects of ourselves. We are tempted to make relations, which give us self-strength, boost our self-esteem and give us positive feedback ². Positive relationships are just like ladders, which promote you and fill in personal deficits. We make an effort to climb this ladder seeing ourselves inflated with happiness and serenity ³. We improve through our positive relationships.

Foundation of Self-Structure and Related Associations

Every person has bi-directional terms with this world. One we hold with others and another connection which we have with ourself ⁴. It is a very paradoxical term to understand. The quality of the relationship with self is a direct measure of our relationships with the outer world. It is a measure of our tranquility and harmony within, which determines our behaviors towards others. The constant state of whining, complaining and apprehension is a direct reflection of our “intra-self relationship”.

In childhood, we often shape our personality structures by taking in personas of our parental figures to form the superego (which guides us towards right and wrong) ⁵. On the other hand, we are also bestowed with the “id” by nature. Between environment and innate opportunities we have to devise our own ways, called the ego ⁶. Ego is a state, which decides between two major powers that are super-ego (derivative of parental ideals and principles) and id (innate animalistic priorities) ⁷.

Measure of Ego Strength

When we have strong ego boundaries, it means that we know where we stand in context of different relationships ⁸. It denotes our clear understanding regarding self-strengths and weaknesses. It acts as a determinant to know the fundamentals of one’s personality and it manifests as “enhanced self-awareness” ⁹. However, a deprived childhood, parental discord or an early loss or death of any parental figure can lead to many problems in personality architecture.

One of the basic deformities would be a formation of impaired personal identity ¹⁰. The vague awareness regarding self can produce an urge to know more about the self. Here we come to the point, in these cases relationships provide us an enriched experience, so that we can see ourselves, we can know our identities, and we can validate our existence through others ¹¹.

These relationships build us. The frequency of positive experiences or relationships gives us reassurance and reinforces positive healthy capabilities. Contrary to this, negative experiences and relationships thwart our growth as a person, it hinders our capacity to flourish, shine or progress ¹².

Social Impact of Poor Self-Awareness

Throughout our life spans, we try to fill in frustrating gaps in order to keep pace with the impaired intersection of the harsh super-ego, poor ego functions and id. It is a universal phenomenon of human passion that we tend to repair the injured self-images and self-esteem. And this goes on for life.

1. We seek positive regard in relations by avoiding conflicts, in order to obtain positive and compliant experiences from others (which earlier figures were not able to provide).
2. We compromise on difficult situations.
3. We frequently move out from our comfort zones to follow difficult pursuits in order to gain affectionate compliments.

An individual utilizes all these measures to fill up deficits of impaired self-structures.

Avoiding argumentative situations can be possible for a temporary period, but in the long run it is a pretty difficult job to do. In that case, relentless anxiety ensues whenever a person gets into conflicting situations. The eruption of minor or major conflicts is usually followed by a bout of impatience and frustration. The looming cognitive style renders one to believe in personal deficiency or insufficiency. The readiness to believe personal shortcomings is a variant of this pathology. Poor self-awareness reveals itself in different behaviors.

1. Inability to keep others annoyed
2. Inability to take negative remarks
3. Inability to stand differences and feelings of incapacitation

Are We Standing in the Right Place?

The following questions can be considered here:

1. Can we really repair deformed self-structures (ego, self esteem, confidence, awareness, ideals, identity and purpose)?
2. Can urges of positive self-experience increase by expressing submissiveness/ adherence?
3. Do we make strongholds of personality by avoiding judgment, arguments, conflicts or challenges?
4. Does mindfulness of these needs offer any help?

We all realize that self-efficacy depends mostly upon identification of one’s own self. One can only cater to a true sense of self-sufficiency with differentiation and distinction.

Most of the learning experiences in life carry pain, endurance and sacrifice. Detachments from acceptance and social ties can cause distance, isolation; but it also questions existence, purpose of life and self ¹³.

Impaired self-structures seek social acceptance by maintaining adherence and compliance. Unfortunately, this (un-) conscious strategy further hampers self-vision and understanding of persona. It facilitates a vicious cycle of thirst and search for self.

Conclusion

Parenting behaviors and a nurturing environment are most significant and primary social milestones. Their quality determines the self-efficacy, self-sufficiency and social attitudes in later life. Deficits of self-image (which are produced as a result of inadequate primary attachments) can cause impaired self-awareness. It gives rise to the need to understand purpose of existence. The indeterminate ego boundaries can cause inadequate adherence within social strata. Certain unconscious behaviors are generated in response to others, including excessive submissiveness and admiration by avoiding argumentative roles. It further impairs self-understanding, as excessive self-cohesion with others deprives a person from holding independency and self-reflection.

References:

1. Campbell WK, Foster CA, Finkel EJ. Does self-love lead to love for others?: A story of narcissistic game playing. Journal of personality and social psychology. 2002;83(2):340.
2. Brown RP, Bosson JK. Narcissus meets Sisyphus: Self-love, self-loathing, and the never-ending pursuit of self-worth. Psychological Inquiry. 2001:210-3.
3. Heine SJ, Lehman DR, Markus HR, Kitayama S. Is there a universal need for positive self-regard? Psychological review. 1999;106(4):766.
4. Turner JC, Oakes PJ, Haslam SA, McGarty C. Self and collective: Cognition and social context. Personality and social psychology bulletin. 1994;20:454-.
5. Erskine, Richard G. “Ego structure, intrapsychic function, and defense mechanisms: A commentary on Eric Berne’s original theoretical concepts.”Transactional Analysis Journal 18.1 (1988): 15-19.
6. Hartmann, Heinz, and David Trans Rapaport. “Ego psychology and the problem of adaptation.” (1958).
7. Freud, Sigmund, and Princess Marie Bonaparte. The origins of psychoanalysis. Imago, 1954.
8. Whitfield, Charles L. Boundaries and relationships: Knowing, protecting and enjoying the self. Health Communications, Inc., 1993.
9. Chein, Isidor. “The awareness of self and the structure of the ego.”Psychological review 51.5 (1944): 304.
10. Ellemers, Naomi, Russell Spears, and Bertjan Doosje. “Self and social identity*.” Annual review of psychology 53.1 (2002): 161-186.
11. Bolger, Kerry E., Charlotte J. Patterson, and Janis B. Kupersmidt. “Peer relationships and self-esteem among children who have been maltreated.” Child development (1998): 1171-1197.
12. Thompson, Ross A. “The development of the person: Social understanding, relationships, conscience, self.” Handbook of child psychology (2006).
13. Lee, Richard M., and Steven B. Robbins. “Measuring belongingness: The Social Connectedness and the Social Assurance scales.” Journal of Counseling Psychology 42.2 (1995): 232.

“Every second of the day there is some relationship being damaged or lost because of neediness,” writes relationship coach Jack Ito, PhD. In his new book, Overcome Neediness and Get The Love You Want, Ito shows readers not just how to move past neediness, but to love from a secure base, one that can transform our relationships with others and with ourselves.

Ito begins by exploring how neediness unravels a relationship. From “emotional fireworks” to unreasonable sacrifices, interspersed with moments of intense passion, neediness often leads to ongoing conflict and eventually the end of the relationship. Much of the reason for this is that needy people operate from an insecure base, one where the tendency to idealize partners is strong. “Needy people continue to idealize and romanticize their relationships. They believe they have found their soul mates and no one is going to convince them otherwise — not even their partners,” writes Ito. Yet needy people can also be very controlling, requiring their partners to behave in specific ways, and often exhibit poor boundaries as a facet of getting their needs met.

As a needy person’s focus is directed to getting their own needs satisfied, they operate from a place of self-focus and interpret others actions as inaccurate reflections of themselves. In doing so, Ito tells us, needy people often reside in a victim position, harboring unrealistic expectations of their partner’s ability to meet their exaggerated needs for love, attention, and reassurance. He writes, “Needy people feel in love, but they don’t actually have the kind of sacrificial and mature love that cares about their partners’ well being.” What results is often a cycle of failed relationships that further deteriorate the needy person’s self-esteem.

According to Ito, neediness can occur for many reasons. He points to the early studies on secure and insecure attachment patterns in infants as a possible catalyst for later needy behavior in adult relationships. Ito also suggests the theory that needy people tend to exaggerate normal fears and when they feel fear, act in maladaptive ways. One example of this is withdrawing from the relationship, which typically causes their partner to withdraw, often resulting in a vicious cycle where the needy person’s fears actually increase.

Overcoming neediness, according to Ito, is less about understanding why it happens or where it comes from and more about learning to respond differently. Because needy people live in an anxious world of “what if’s,” the first step is learning how to balance these thoughts against the results within the relationship. Ito suggests asking yourself, “Does this relationship get better or worse when you: check up on your partner, criticize, interrogate, argue, complain, explain, repeatedly talk about problems, nag, or make promises to change?” Answering this question honestly, along with getting extra help and support, employing secure role models, and understanding that your partner’s actions are not about you, can help needy people replace ineffective behaviors with more effective ones.

A core shift for needy people, Ito tells us, is letting go of the intention to change another person’s behavior. By operating from a place of self-confidence, needy people can make another important transformation — from short-term infatuation to long-term love and stability. Ito writes, “Although a needy person has to be willing to give up an intense fantasy-like early relationship, doing so will allow the needy person to have even greater rewards that last for a much longer period of time.”

Ito also offers some very practical advice for how to date from a secure position. He discusses the value of delaying commitment, knowing when to commit, and even provides examples of insecure versus secure text messages.

The second part of Ito’s book reads like a handbook for how to love and live like a secure person. He begins with the behaviors to avoid: criticizing, complaining, arguing, interrogating, talking about problems, giving long explanations, defending and apologizing, nagging, and avoiding the neediness rejection cycle. He then offers ten practical steps for finding a good life-partner, such as identifying your needs and getting them met before entering a relationship, and defining exactly what you desire in a match and then becoming the kind of person that your future partner would want to be with.

Ultimately relationship success hinges on taking responsibility for decisions, knowing what you want, knowing how to get what you want, and being willing to do what it takes to get what you want. But love, Ito tells us, is not enough. Instead marriage success depends on how secure people are, how they handle conflicts, and their willingness to maintain their spouse’s attraction to them after they are married. To handle everyday conflicts, Ito offers several helpful tips, including cutting ties with codependent people, preserving good boundaries, and maintaining accurate expectations of our partners.

Learning to let go of neediness and live a secure life doesn’t just help us see our partners in a more balanced light, but also see ourselves for who we really are. As we become more able to take responsibility for our life and happiness, we set ourselves up for success in relationships and in life. Packed with useful tips and practical advice, Jack Ito’s new book offers the kind of hands-on guidance needed to let go of unhealthy patterns and create the relationships and lives we want.

Overcome Neediness and Get The Love You Want
Loving Solutions, August 2016
Paperback, 236 pages
$16.95

2016 is a year that many will recall as a time of mass exodus from the planet. On social media, comments have focused on how people couldn’t wait for the calendar page to turn, as if that had anything to do with the celebrity death toll. They would vent their sorrow and frustration, using expletives that would leave readers with no doubt about their sentiments. It was as if the Grim Reaper was wearing a banner with the year draped across it and a come-hither/menacing look on his face as he wielded his scythe.

According to Snopes, “While a large number of celebrities certainly passed away in 2016, the Reporter, Legacy.com, and The Telegraph all counted more celebrity deaths in 2016 than in the previous three years, but this year ranked second, third, or even fourth among that group according to other news outlets.”

As the year began, David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Glen Frey, Abe Vigoda, Edgar Mitchell and Harper Lee took their leave. Throughout the rest of the seasons, Nancy Reagan, Prince, Phife Dawg, Patty Duke, Merle Haggard, Doris Roberts, Muhammed Ali, Eli Wiesel, Janet Reno, Leonard Cohen, Sharon Jones and Florence Henderson joined them. George Michael, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds ended the 12 months, leaving heartbreaking sadness in their wake.

Chalk it up to the fact that many who have passed are in a demographic in which death might be expected and that some whose ending of this earthly incarnation may have been hastened by addiction that had taken its toll.

We are also a world in which celebrities feel even more personal and intimate than those who are in our daily lives, so that when one dies, we may react as if we have lost someone in our inner circles.

In an interview with The Huffington Post, David Kaplan, Ph.D., chief professional officer of the American Counseling Association explained. “We grow up with these people. We see their movies, we hear their music on a regular basis and we really get to know them. In a sense, they become a member of our family — especially the ones we really like — so when they die, it’s like an extended member of our family dies. It’s somebody we feel like we know.”

How Do You Want to Live?

A few years ago, I had a conversation with a college friend named Gina Foster. She made a comment about endeavoring to “live significantly”.  I loved that intention and wrote it down and had it displayed on the bulletin board in my office at the psychiatric hospital where I had been employed as a social worker. Occasionally patients would notice it and I would use that as an opportunity to remind them that they, and every other being on the planet, matters.

The truth as I know it, is that each of us came here with a purpose and it is our creative challenge in each lifetime is to determine what that is. Some of us knew instantly what it was and for others, it takes much longer to uncover-recover-discover our passion. I always knew that mine lay in the creative writing realm. For me, books were treasures-toys-candy all in one and in elementary school, I began writing stories and scribe poetry. In college, I started journaling and I have some from my 20’s; looking at them in amazement that I still face some of the same issues, as a woman old enough to be the mother of that younger version of myself. Blessedly, I have moved past some of those worn out, dysfunctional beliefs.

Wisdom from His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I recall something that The Dalai Lama expressed when I interviewed him in 2008. I had asked him about the legacy he wanted to leave. 

His adamant response, “No, no, no. Many years ago, a New York Times journalist asked me that question. I told her, as a Buddhist practitioner, not allowed. If I take serious my legacy, that means self-centered. So, I answer that and then again that lady asked a second time and I answered same way and then a third time and then I lost my temper. If you ask, I may lose my temper. (Laughter followed.) Your motivation should be sincere and your life should be of benefit to some people. That is the main thing. Don’t care after my death.”

For me, a legacy isn’t about ego gratification or how I will be remembered. It is about doing good for its own sake, about practicing tikkun olam; which means “the repair of the world,” in Hebrew. It is about being an example of loving kindness, of being the first one to reach out. It calls on us each day to do more than merely exist. We can take up space or we can make a difference.

I have also observed that people who have a purpose and live from that place, are less likely to be depressed or addicted. I have seen “unreasonable” happiness trump fear and dysfunction.

I had inquired about the legacy people in my personal and professional circles wanted to leave. None of them seemed ego-entrenched, but more of a sense of desiring to make a difference.

• “She made a positive difference in the world.”
• “She continued to be an activist for justice for all.”
• “She taught thousands of people how to grow their own food and how to cherish the planet we live on.”
• “He was funny as hell, a character, and a loving and giving man.”
• “Ultimately our legacy doesn’t belong to us — the impression we have on others never does. The more important thing is how we reconcile the legacy and mythology of ourselves that we carry with us as we live and how we are willing and able to allow that to evolve.”
• “For the past 30 years, I had chosen 2 songs for my passing celebration that represented me and recently realized that they no longer are logical choices because I keep growing and making choices. I don’t feel an attachment to legacy. I would simply enjoy knowing that when I’m remembered, people smile.”
• “Once it was overheard about me, “no one works harder”. I did not want that to be my legacy so I set out to change it. What a ride! I hope now people will think of me as big hearted and kind, generous and that I affected at least one other life in a positive manner. Then I will be satisfied.”
• “She did the damn thing on HER terms, and left a trail of glitter behind her, which inevitability left the world more beautiful than how she found it.”
• “I would like to be remembered as a funny, passionate & kind person and someone who was as excited with life as a 13-year-old girl at a Beatles concert.”
• “I want my legacy to be all the smiles and laughs I caused through my crazy life transition from a bra-burning revolutionary to a suburban 70s mom to a single woman who found her place in clowning, music and puppets that bring joy to friends, family and people who need a laugh. My legacy is ridiculousness”
• “My legacy lies with my children…and perhaps in a publication or two. I hope that love is the message”
• “I would like it to be said of me that she loved well, she learned something new every day, that she lived authentically, and she was a force to be reckoned with.”
• “One of love”
• “The biggest thing that I would like people to think of when they remember my name – is how I made them feel. This journey is about visceral experiences. If I can empower someone to feel and then helped them to gently express their feelings in a heart centered way, then I have aligned with my true purpose.”
• “Truthteller is how to remember me.”

Singer-songwriter Charley Thweatt penned a poignant piece that reminds us that we will all die someday and “what matters is how we live.”

How will you live?

One of the most important steps in your fitness routine comes at the conclusion. Many know the importance of properly warming up and preparing to exercise, but experts say that incorporating a cool down routine is just as important. According to the Mayo Clinic, cooling down allows for your body to recover and return to its normal, pre-exercise state.

Though cooling down isn’t proven to reduce muscle stiffness or soreness, it can prevent dizziness and allow your heart rate and breathing to ease back to a normal rate, Harvard Medical School reports. Phyllis Mammarelli, personal trainer at the Shenango Valley YMCA in Sharon, Pennsylvania, works with each of her clients on a cool down routine as she says it’s a beneficial part of exercising.

“Cooling down allows your body to gradually return to a low-intensity activity level, slowly reducing your respiratory and heart rate until it’s equalized and back to normal” she says.

Skipping the recovery phase of a workout isn’t proven to be harmful to your body, but Mammarelli warns that without cooling down, the body will take longer to return back to the low-intensity level activity level you began your workout with.

There are also non-threatening side effects that could occur as a result of forgoing a cool down. Mammarelli warns that blood can gather or pool in your lower extremities and lead to dizziness and fainting. Additionally, ACE says to keep an eye on your muscle soreness and stiffness. While soreness after a workout is to be expected, delayed onset muscle soreness can occur 24-48 hours after your workout and cause “uncomfortable debilitating pain.” Side effects are mostly seen in the elderly or those with cardiovascular disease and can be eased by warming up and cooling down. Here are some other signs that you might be working out too much.

Allow five to 10 minutes at the conclusion of your workout for a cool-down routine. During this period, continue your workout session, but at a much reduced rate. If you’re pressed for time during your workouts or unsure how to allow your body to recover, Mammarelli suggests stretching muscles in a pain-free range of motion. Here’s an easy stretch routine to try.

Tacking on a few additional minutes to your workout for cooling down may seem like an inconvenience, but the benefits outweigh the cost of finding extra time in your schedule. If you need inspiration for scheduling the time to workout and cool down look to these women who work out every day.

Say: “It’s so good to see you”

Start any interaction on a good note by simply sharing your excitement about seeing someone. Right off the bat, the other person will know that you aren’t just getting together out of obligation or chance—you’re truly happy to be in that person’s presence. Suddenly, especially when paired with this trust-building body language, that person could be more willing to open up and share details that might not have come up if you’d had a more neutral greeting.

In the technological age that we live in smartphone use is extremely prevalent across the world with almost three quarters of Americans and half of the world’s population owning such a device.

There are many benefits to smartphone use such as increasing productivity in the workplace and connectivity between people. However many users engage in behaviours Dr Elhai refers to as ‘problematic smartphone use’.

The term refers to excessive use of a smartphone which is combined with dependent behaviours that are associated with people suffering from substance abuse – such as withdrawal symptoms when not using their phone and functional impairment.

As ‘problematic smartphone use’ is clearly a worry in today’s society Elhai and colleagues looked to investigate what antecedents there could be for such behaviours which may provide a gateway to helping people who engage is these problematic behaviours.

New research published in the Journal of Computers in Human Behaviors suggests there is an association between depression/anxiety and ‘problematic smartphone use’.

This research collected participants from Amazon’s Mechanical Turk (Mturk) internet labor market which is often used for social science research. This group of participants has its advantages because of their frequent use of smartphones which is key to investigating the purpose of this study.

308 North American/English speaking individuals completed a ‘Process and social usage scale’ which measured their agreement with several items relating to smartphone use.

Process items include behaviours relating to consuming news, relaxation or entertainment. Whereas social items refer to social networking and messaging behaviours.

To assess ‘problematic smartphone use’ the Smartphone addiction scale (SAS) was used which measured the participant’s agreement with statements relating to when smartphones:  are used, are not used (withdrawal), disturb daily life, tolerance, overuse and overuse in digital relationships.

Once self-reported smartphone use and smartphone addiction had been assessed the participants were asked to complete Depression and anxiety scales to assess the relationship between scores on all three tests.

The results showed that individuals showing depressive and anxious traits were related to greater use of smartphones for news and entertainment consumption but not for social use. This suggests that psychological disorders are associated with specific use of smartphones, which was also the case for ‘problematic smartphone use’.

These findings are supported by the world we see around us. Anxious people tend to avoid social interaction when these interactions could be stressful and therefore prefer online social interaction to face to face communication.

However despite this preference, avoidance behaviours still occur as there is a clear preference for using smartphones for process use and not social use – as shown in this study by Elhai and colleagues.

Dr Elhai believed that even though process use may alleviate anxiety to some extent, caution must be taken to not become socially disengaged as this can lead to physical and mental health problems – which can occur through excessive use of smartphones.

Individuals who showed depressive traits in this study also reported less social use of smartphones which is consistent with previous research suggesting social media can benefit one’s overall mental wellbeing.

Like those with anxiety, depressed individuals may avoid social interaction which in turn reduces the amount of social support from their environment they receive and therefore potentially increasing the frequency and intensity of one’s depression.

Whilst excessive smartphone use can be detrimental to a person’s health, it can be seen that there are clear benefits to sufferers of depression and anxiety when using their smartphone for social use.

However care is needed when considering the amount of time spent on social media as research by Vannucci suggests social media can increase anxiety if too much time is spent on social media and people begin to compare themselves to others.

As the relationship between ‘problematic smartphone use’ and process and social use is unclear Elhai suggested future research could assess this relationship at a more granular level.

Despite mixed findings considering ‘problematic smartphone use’, Elhai and colleagues found a mediated relationship between anxiety and problematic smartphone use.

With anxious individuals preferring using smartphones for news consumption and surfing the internet – the amount of time doing so could mean anxious individuals progress from excessive use of smartphones to showing ‘problematic smartphone behaviours’ and therefore dependence behaviours.

This finding ties in with Vanucci’s whereby increased use of online platforms can lead to further mental health issues.

With anxiety and depression considered to have a close relationship, Elhai provides further evidence for this with factors such as ‘problematic smartphone use’ and overuse of smartphones showing relationships with both disorders.

The participants who showed less depression and anxiety were more likely to use social features on their smartphones which increases the meaningfulness of their time spend on their smartphone.

Unlike those suffering from depression and anxiety, who use their smartphones less productively in terms of viewing non-social media.

However the researchers did note that there are some limitations with the study carried out.

These are that a sample was conveniently chosen which may not be generalizable to the world’s population and that data was collected at a point in time, meaning a causal relationship can’t be identified.

Also some features of a smartphone can’t be put into a box of ‘process use’ and ‘social use’ as there can be crossovers such as gaming which can be entertainment and social through multiplayer games. Likewise for social media that show news stories.

Therefore future research should explore smartphone usage that can fall into both the process and social use categories. Do combined usage further increase depression and anxiety or help reduce symptoms?

Despite the limitations there is a serious message to be taken from this study as the findings suggest anxious and depressed patients should plan more enjoyable and social activities aligned with their psychological treatments. Such activities could be assisted by smartphones due to their many social benefits.

As a result treatments can be designed to promote the positive aspects of smartphones and intelligent use for those with depression and anxiety.

As we live in a world obsessed with smartphones, guidance on using such devices is becoming a much needed part  of treating depression and anxiety moving forward.

References

Elhai, J, D., Levine, J, C., Dvorak, J, D., Hall, B, J. 2017. Non-social features of smartphone use are most related to depression, anxiety and problematic smartphone use. Computers in Human Behavior, 69, 75-82

Vannucci, A., Flannery, K, M., McCauley Ohannessian, C. 2016. Social media use and anxiety in emerging adults. Journal of Affective Disorders, 207, 163-166

Handwriting—much less neat handwriting—is quickly becoming obsolete in this digital age of communication. Now, it’s all about the text message. According to a 2013 study, American smartphone owners send an average of 4,735 texts each month. (Do you have any of these annoying texting habits?) Texters aged 18 to 24 alone send about 67 texts every day. What’s more, learning how to type has now taken precedence over cursive in some schools.

With less time spent holding an actual writing utensil, it’s no surprise that your (or your child’s) handwriting might be suffering. Luckily, there’s a way to improve your penmanship in one stroke—and it involves the body parts you already use to write.

Most people move only their fingers when they write, essentially drawing each letter. But when you keep your fingers and wrist still and put your whole arm into each stroke, the result is more fluid and legible writing.

Practice by writing big letters in the air. Notice how even your shoulder gets involved. These are the same motions you should be using when you write on paper. Making an effort to slow down (again, a lost art in our fast-paced modern world) will also improve the control you have over your penmanship.

It may take some time (and more practice) to get used to, but once you do, you’ll be able to make handwritten notes more personal—and nicer to look at—and boost your intelligence while you’re at it. Bonus: Choosing pens over keyboards can save you from a nasty case of text neck. Everybody wins!

Take a real lunch break, even if it’s short

Eating at your desk or in front of the TV is distracting, and because your brain doesn’t fully realize what you’re eating, you could end up unsatisfied, even with big portions, says Alissa Rumsey, MS, RD, CDN, CSCS, spokesperson for the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics. “People look down after their meal and have no memory of what was on their plate,” she says. “They don’t feel satisfied and are hungry again in an hour.” Ideally, you should spend the full 20 or 30 minutes it takes to eat focusing on your meal. If it’s unrealistic to leave your desk that long during lunch, take at least the first five to ten minutes chowing down without distractions, she says. Find out more about what healthy people do on their lunch breaks.

“A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another.” – Buddha

“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible — the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.” – Virginia Satir

Family Matters: A Case Study

Amy grew up in middle class suburbia, with needs provided by her hard- working parents who taught her that by putting herself fully into everything she did, she would excel.  Her father had blue collar jobs, as a mechanic and then a bus driver, and her mother ‘pink collar’ work as a switchboard operator at a local department store. Neither of them had a college degree, but were worldly wise and street savvy. They encouraged her to get an education, believing that was the route to professional success. She followed their advice and adopted dual careers in the therapeutic and educational fields.

Both parents came from immigrant families; her father was first generation American born and her mother second generation. Her father’s family, which consisted of his parents and three siblings, lived in a multi-ethnic working class neighborhood and needed to tap into the government welfare system; which was a part of her family history. This was something for which her father carried shame. He was determined to support his family well, even if it meant working far more than full time hours; picking up overtime when it was offered. Even in his retirement at age 65, he worked another 18 years until Parkinson’s Disease took its toll.

Her mother and uncle lived in relative luxury when compared to her father’s upbringing. Amy’s maternal grandfather was a mechanic as well, and managed to keep his family in comfort. They lived on the proverbial ‘other side of the tracks’ from Amy’s paternal kin. There always seemed to be money for necessities and luxuries, such as renting a house in Atlantic City, New Jersey with other family members and even after Amy’s grandfather died, family legend had it that her grandmother had a ‘money tree in the backyard,’ since she always seemed to have funds for whatever need arose.

Some other details:

• Amy’s paternal side fled Russia during the pogroms, as highlighted in the Broadway musical, “Fiddler on the Roof” during which Jews were compelled to leave their homes due to persecution.
• Amy’s paternal grandparents came to America on board ships in their teens and had an arranged marriage.
• Amy’s maternal grandfather died when her mother was 18.
• Amy’s paternal grandfather died when her father was in his middle 30’s; soon after her parents got married.
• Both were hard working men.
• Both grandmothers were ‘stay at home moms’ whose primary role was to raise the children.
• When her maternal grandfather died, Amy believes that he left some money for his wife and that her mother and uncle helped take care of her grandmother until she herself died in her 70’s.
• When her paternal grandfather died, there was no financial cushion and her father, aunt and uncles supported her grandmother until she died in her 80’s.
• None of the women in Amy’s lineage (including aunts and cousins) were independently wealthy and any money they had, was provided by men they married.
• Several of the women were widowed young and never remarried. They raised their children as single parents.
• Many of the women worked in either the clerical, teaching or nursing fields as was common for the women of their generation.

Amy brought her story to her therapist since she has been struggling with career and financial inconsistency. Amy revealed to her therapist that throughout her adulthood, she had never held only one job. Even when she had full time positions, others overlapped as a ‘safety net’ in case something went wrong. She also attributes that to workaholic tendencies that had her spending more time at the computer or her counseling office than providing much needed self-care.

She had not taken a vacation in many years. It was when a series of health crises occurred that she needed to take stock of her life. She slowed her pace, did indeed take several sojourns at the behest and in some cases, insistence of friends that had her traversing the country and to Canada, Jamaica and Nassau. These opportunities came because of a seemingly out of the blue dream job that afforded her that level of freedom and financial stability. Throughout her tenure in that position, what lurked beneath the surface was a fear that the proverbial ‘other shoe’ was going to drop and this ‘too good to be true’ experience would be taken away.

A year and three months after she began the job, budget cuts necessitated layoffs and ¼ of her team were given their pink slips. Having a resilient spirit and her parents’ “You’ve got this” attitude, she immediately applied for other jobs and within short order, had another lucrative position lined up working for a non-profit. She was told by the director that it was to be long term. Three months later, they lost their funding which sent her back to the drawing board. She has been able to patchwork together consulting positions.

Sounds good, right?

On the surface, this determined and sturdy woman has rebounded well. Her friends see her filling her schedule with appointments and freelance work. She has managed thus far, to keep her financial commitments. For Amy, her monetary instability, is a source of shame, as it was for her father. She tells herself that she ‘should’ be doing better. She harangues herself for not walking the talk; since she guides others in finding their own way through the challenges in their lives.  Even small successes are diminished in her mind, since she somehow internalized the belief that she will never do enough, be enough or have enough to satisfy the unyielding inner critic.

In working with her therapist, she recognized a phenomenon known as imposter syndrome, by which, regardless of level of observed success, the person experiencing it, fears being outed as a fraud. They often take surface suggestions for change as criticism when it may only be re-direction. They toggle back and forth between discouragement and desire for life events to change. The repetitive pattern is that even when experiencing a modicum of stability financially, there is often an entrenched belief that something will take away the gains made.

Amy witnesses friends exhibiting various levels of career success. Some are in the same boat as she is; making it paycheck to paycheck, while others seem to be soaring through. When she hears of friends whose financial status afford them the opportunity to do the things she used to be able to do when she held the ‘dream job,’ rather than feeling envious, she questions what they have done to achieve that pinnacle.  Some are mainstream business people, while others are wellness oriented professionals. She is still in the investigation stage, since, while there are patterns, there is no conclusion. Amy’s therapist suggested that she ask those who embrace the career success she desires, the steps they took to reach that point.

Working with the Unconscious Blueprint: Not Just Ancient History

Amy unearthed the unconscious blueprint of deprivation that had obvious roots in her family’s refugee experience. Her grandparents feared for their existence and travelled nearly 5,000 miles likely in steerage class on a sea voyage from their homeland, to the one fabled to have streets paved with gold.  The primary wealth they found was in connection. Her parents would say, “We’re rich in love.” Her father’s workaholic tendencies came from the same source; since he would often caution, “You never know what tomorrow will bring.”  She realized later in life that her pattern of ‘professional polyamory,’ working many jobs simultaneously was designed to ward off the symbolic wolf at the door. In her mind, it howled ominously. Her father inherited his worrying tendencies from his mother who practiced ‘smother love’ as an art form. Amy’s mother was the one who would reassure that all would be well, with her ‘Que’ sera, sera’ attitude as she would proclaim, “What will be, will be.”

During a period of anxiety, Amy asked herself, “If money weren’t an issue, how would you be feeling right now?” Her immediate response was, “Calm and safe.”  She took a deep breath and could recalibrate her thoughts so that she could rest in the moment and contemplate concrete ways to seek solutions to her concerns.

Once Amy was aware of the precedents, it was far easier to notice when her thoughts turned to apprehension about her future. The next step was to determine a plan of action. She continued to sort through her limiting thoughts that blocked the door to her ultimate success. She has come to acknowledge that she is a work in progress.

By their very definition, according to Merriam-Webster, superstitions are nonsensical: “A belief or practice resulting from ignorance, fear of the unknown, trust in magic or chance, or a false conception of causation.” In other words, a superstition is “an action that is inconsistent with science,” Stuart Vyse, a psychologist and professor at Connecticut College, told CBS.

Still, for a set of supposedly irrational beliefs, superstitions have a surprisingly large following. An estimated 17 to 21 million people in America. are afraid of Friday the 13th, 74 percent of those in the U.K. say they knock on wood to avoid bad luck, and 13 percent of Americans cringe at the sight of a black cat.

So why does more than 50 percent of the country, as per a recent Gallop poll, consider themselves superstitious? And why, even when people don’t truly believe superstitions can impact our fate, do they continue to participate in them?

For one, superstitions have been ingrained in our lives since the very beginning. “People teach them to us when we’re young,” Vyse, the author of Believing in Magic: The Psychology of Superstition, told LifeHacker. “They’re part of the lore of any culture. The basic process of socialization is a major part of it.”

Secondly, they can be a soothing control mechanism. “We live in a world where you can’t always control the outcome,” says Vyse. “Superstitions tend to emerge in those contexts. You do everything you possibly can to ensure that things will work out.” Together, those two factors have made a very real impact.

“One of the interesting things about superstitions is their seemingly arbitrary nature,” Tom Gilovich, a psychology professor at Cornell University, told CBS. “Like, why 13? Why black cats? Why can’t you walk under that ladder? It has no rational bearing. Yet somehow you feel like you’re tempting fate, and the outcome, a bad outcome, that could befall you is going to be worse because you deliberately did something that people say you shouldn’t do.”

Evolution might also be at play here. “A prehistoric human might associate rustling grass with the approach of a predator and hide. Most of the time, the wind will have caused the sound, but if a group of lions is coming, there’s a huge benefit to not being around,” Kevin Foster, an evolutionary biologist at Harvard University, told the New Scientist.

Speaking of the benefit of superstitions, many of the ones that indicate good fortune—a lucky penny or a trusty charm bracelet—can have their perks. In one study published in Psychological Science, researchers gave golf balls to all of their participants and told half that their golf ball was lucky. The subjects with the “lucky” golf balls made 35 percent more successful putts.

“Feeling lucky gave them a better sense of self-efficacy (a belief in your own competence), which then enhanced their performance with the golf playing,” Matthew Hutson, science writer and author of The 7 Laws of Magical Thinking, told LifeHacker about the study. “The same researcher did several other experiments where she crossed fingers for them or the subjects had lucky charms on them. Their superstition helped them perform better on certain cognitive tasks, memory games, and physical tasks.”

So go ahead and wear your trusty charm bracelet, and ditch your fear of Friday the 13th. It could bring you a little bit of—dare we say—luck.

MORE: Here are some pretty bizarre things that happened on Friday the 13th.

Recently, a bombshell was dropped on 90s sitcom fans about one of their favorite TV couples: Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski. Peter Engel, executive producer of Saved by the Bell, said of the classic couple, “Well, they’d be married — but not to each other.” Fans’ hearts collectively broke after this news hit. I mean, the couple survived Kelly’s romantic tryst with Jeff, her hunky college boyfriend who temporarily managed the Max, the distance put between them during the beginning of college before Kelly transferred to Cal U, and her relationship with their college professor, Jeremiah Lasky. Despite these challenges, Zack was persistent and eventually won Kelly’s heart and hand in marriage. So why would Peter Engel suggest that these two wouldn’t make it? After weathering all of those other storms, why wouldn’t they be able to make their marriage work? The answer may lie in how they got together in the first place.

Most of us have enjoyed the buttery goodness of microwave popcorn by simply unfolding a bag and pressing the “popcorn” button. Unfortunately, that buttery goodness can be a chemcialized butter flavor with additives and ingredients that less healthy than popping corn the old-fashioned way. Microwave bags aren’t much better either. When bags of microwave popcorn are heated, they emit fine and ultrafine particles that may come with health risks, Yifang Zhu, associate professor of the environmental health sciences department in UCLA Fielding School of Public Health, told Time. Exposure to high levels of the chemicals found in the bags has been linked to lung disease among those who work in popcorn manufacturing, Time reported.

We asked Sonali Ruder, MD, who is also a chef and blogger at thefoodiephysician.com how to make an amazing (and simple) bag of healthy microwave popcorn. Here’s the recipe she gave us.

Microwave Popcorn

Makes 1 serving

Ingredients:

1/4 cup popcorn kernels*

1/4 teaspoon oil

Pinch of salt

Yellow and white popcorn are a bit different in appearance but not in nutrition profiles. Yellow kernels are larger and take longer to cook. They also have a tougher hull and chewier. White is smaller, lighter, and crispier than yellow. Choose a non-GMO variety like Bob’s Red Mill.

Directions:

Toss the popcorn kernels in a small bowl with the oil and a pinch of salt. Pour the contents into a brown paper lunch bag. Fold the bag over a couple of times and then fold the corners in so that the bag doesn’t open during cooking.

Place the bag upright in the microwave and set the “cook” button for about 2 minutes. Turn off the microwave when the popping slows down to about two kernels between pops – otherwise, you risk scorching it.

Take the bag out of the microwave and open it carefully, watching out for hot steam. Pour the popcorn into a bowl and toss with seasonings of your choice. The heat will maximize the absorption of the seasoning’s flavor.

Personalize Your Popcorn

The beauty of this recipe is its so versatile. The basic recipe is tasty on its own but you can the toppings are limited only by your taste buds. What’s also fun about this recipe is that it makes an individual portion so everyone can make their own bag, the way they like it! Set out melted butter, olive oil or toasted sesame oil, spices, cheeses and dried fruit and have everyone sprinkle on their own combos. Here’s some ideas:

Savory Combos

• Italian seasoning and Parmesan cheese
• Rosemary and Parmesan
• Crumbled seaweed crisps
• Nutritional yeast (non-dairy, cheesy option) with cumin
• Wassabi, low-salt soy sauce and sesame oil
• Paprika, cumin and cayenne pepper

Sweet Combos

• Cinnamon sugar
• Melted peanut butter and mini-chocolate chips
• Cocoa powder and coconut flakes
• Dried fruit and mini-dark chocolate chips

Here are 9 reasons popcorn can be a ridiculously healthy snack.

The Golden Notebook: Woodstock, New York

“Once, a customer came in looking for a book for his daughter. Our children’s buyer, Gaela Pearson, was busy trying to put together a cardboard book display. She told the man, ‘I would be happy to help you. In fact, I’ll give you 20 percent off your purchase if you help me put together this display.’ He said, ‘No, I don’t need a discount, but I’d be happy to help.’ Gaela and the man sat on the floor and assembled the display. The man bought a book and then left. Gaela’s daughter, working in the back of the store, said, ‘You know who that was? Didn’t you notice his eyes were two different colors? That was David Bowie.'” —Jacqueline Kellachan, owner

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” – Carl Jung

When life gets complicated and messy, sometimes it’s easier to give up, make excuses about not having a choice, or cast aside aspirations and goals. After all, human behavior is unpredictable, especially when factoring in unexpected obstacles, disappointments, tragedies, pain and misfortune. Having the strength and vision to cultivate resilience, on the other hand, helps make life not only more interesting, but much more satisfying as well.

I’d hazard to say I know something about building resilience, having endured more than a few rather extraordinary experiences that could just as well have caused me to fall into hopelessness and despair.

Losing a parent and trying to find a reason to live.

Undoubtedly the biggest tragedy I went through happened when I had just turned 13. My father died from a massive heart attack, perishing within minutes while at work at his factory job. The light of my life, the perpetual optimist, a man who lived life to the fullest despite being told when he was a boy that he wouldn’t live past his 20s, my father taught me that life is what you make it, not what happens to you.

Losing him at such a vulnerable stage in my life did set in motion a protracted period of grief. I felt lost, even wondered if I somehow contributed to his demise. I consoled myself with memories of how robustly he attacked life and how he motivated me to do the same. Just the week before he died, we laughed and enjoyed the thrills of a roller coaster ride at the amusement park. He knew I was afraid of heights and wanted me to conquer my fear and experience the exhilaration of rocketing along in the car, hands clenching the safety bar, screeching in surprise and glee all along.

In the coming years, I often heard his voice in my head telling me that I could do anything, be anything I wished. All I had to do was work hard for it and keep at it, no matter what obstacles I encountered.

Somehow, I found a reason to live. I did bounce back and found I possessed a strong desire to stand up for myself, to follow my dreams, to keep going despite disappointment, failure and pain and to help others as much as I can.

Declared dead and climbing back through a long rehabilitation.

Another personal setback occurred when I was just 20, pregnant with my second child. My mother and I were going shopping for new baby when we were broadsided by an oncoming freight train after the railroad signals failed. While my mother thankfully suffered only minor injuries, I was catapulted through the windshield and onto the tracks under the front of the train.

I was declared dead at the hospital, a tag affixed to my toe, and I was in the hallway awaiting transport to the morgue. Two attendants standing by the gurney were talking about this young woman, how she must have suffered, too bad she died. I realized they were talking about me. I was looking down at myself on the gurney, wondering what was going on. I thought I was screaming, “I’m not dead, I’m not dead.” But they didn’t hear. I kept on screaming and my toes moved. One of the attendants noticed and I was rushed back into the operating room.

I was in a coma for months, followed by many months of rehab and years of chronic pain. My daughter was born the following spring with jaundice, requiring massive transfusions. But she lived.

Was the reason I lived that I was carrying an innocent child? Was it that I still had so much to do in life that I hadn’t yet done? I often pondered why in the ensuing years. Despite several plastic surgeries to repair facial lacerations (I still have glass embedded beneath my chin), some of the scars remain today.

They haven’t deterred me. The experience of dying and coming back to life taught me that every minute I breathe is precious and not to be wasted. Whatever trials and tribulations I’ve gone through since then pale in comparison — but they’re no less valuable in teaching the value of resilience.

Overcoming persistent sadness and depression.

I raised my children alone, for the most part. My family did what they could, but I was the one who patched up scraped knees, restored calm between the two youngsters, read bedtime stories to them and tried to give them the same kind of support and encouragement I had received from my own parents.

Still, I was sad that I was alone. For a long time, I believed I was destined to forever be alone. Every good man was already taken. I was a divorced mother, not exactly a prime catch. Even my religion frowned on divorce.

I went back to school at night, got an undergrad and then the first of two master’s degrees. I met people who were interesting and fascinating, mentors who helped me determine the path I’d eventually take and supported my efforts along the way.

I also benefitted from several years of professional counseling to overcome depression and anxiety. I learned how to make good choices, restore my self-esteem and forgive myself for whatever I had done.

Years later, I did find personal happiness. I’ve been with the same man now for more than 30 years.

Not only that, but I love what I do. I’m a writer by profession and I write every day.

I don’t proclaim to have all the answers, but I do have a few suggestions on cultivating resilience for those who may find themselves in a dark and forbidding place.

• You’re more than you think you are. Maybe you just made a big mistake, lost something valuable, suffered a devastating loss and believe you don’t have it in you to keep on going. Think of some of the major hurdles you overcame in the past. This proves that you do have what it takes. You’re strong. Call upon that strength to help you bounce back. That’s resilience and it will serve you well.
• Be profoundly grateful for what you have. Even in the face of disappointment, failure and pain, you have much to be thankful for. Life is often filled with paradoxes, yet your ability to survive and thrive is nothing short of miraculous. Acknowledge this and you’ll be the stronger for it.
• Surround yourself with positive people. If you don’t want to be dragged down by the negativity of others – especially if you’re working hard to cultivate resilience – steer clear of people who have no hope, who complain and make excuses and engage in dangerous, risky behavior. Positive people lift you up and nurture your growing resilience.
• Be good to yourself. This means practicing good self-care: eating well, getting sufficient sleep and exercise.
• Take advantage of your support network when you need it. Not every day will be bright and successful. Sometimes, you’ll be down. Develop a strong support network and lean on it when necessary. Be sure to return the favor for others in the group. Pay goodness forward. This also builds resilience.
• Embrace your spiritual connection. Perhaps you don’t think of yourself as religious, or have somehow fallen away from active participation. You’re still a spiritual person and you can deepen this spiritual connection. Some of the happiest, most fulfilled and peaceful people I know are those who have a strong spiritual connection. I know prayer has helped me immensely at many turning points in my life. Call on your inner spirit, talk to your Higher Power, or embrace the universality of nature. There is a spiritual connection that each of us can tap into that bolsters and enriches our resilience.

Need a cold glass of Riesling ASAP? Wine expert Mark Oldman, author of How to Drink Like a Billionaire: Mastering Wine With Joie de Vivre, says the first thing to do is fill a third of an ice bucket with ice. “Next, add water,” advises Oldman. “This oft-neglected step is done to create an ice bath that will submerge the bottle up to its neck. The water fills the air pockets between the cubes and pulls heat away from the wine faster than the ice alone. Mixing water with ice also makes it much easier to maneuver the wine in and out of the ice bucket.”

Then consider adding salt. “If possible, add a few fistfuls of salt to the mix,” Oldman continues. “Salt lowers the freezing temperature of water.”

Finally, he said, add your bottle and gently spin it at first and after a few minutes to ensure that all of the wine is exposed to the ice bath. (Here are more ideas to make your dinner party a success.)

“In 10 minutes, you wine will be chilled,” affirms Oldman.

Katie Owen, wine director of Winc, a direct-to-consumer online winery, said you can chill a bottle of white using a paper towel and your freezer. “I have found the quickest way to chill a white wine is to wet a paper towel, wrap the wet paper towel around the wine bottle, and then stick the wine bottle in the freezer,” Owen says, “In about 10 minutes the wine should be properly chilled.”

Another unexpected idea is to drop frozen grapes into your wine glass to cool the temperature of your wine, recommends an article on epicurious.com.

You Shouldn‘t Store White Wine in the Fridge

Although it may seem convenient to store white wine in the refrigerator, experts say to skip that idea. Charles Smith, a winemaker is Seattle, says what wine really wants is a dark place with no dramatic temperature shifts and no vibration. In most cases, your closet—or even a north-facing wall that doesn’t get direct sun—works just fine, he says.

“Temperature is, by far, the most important thing to consider when storing wine in your home, but most of us are doing it wrong. It shouldn’t be put in the fridge for longer than it needs to be.” Smith continues. “”Never keep your wine in the refrigerator. It seems really convenient because you want to keep it cool, but it only takes about 20 minutes in the freezer to do the same thing.”

If you have some advance notice, an hour or two in the fridge—or about 20 minutes in the freezer—should be all you need to cool your wine to the right temperature, he says.

Why White Wine Should Be Chilled (But Not Ice Cold)

Also, keep in mind you don’t want white wine too cold. “Good white wine shouldn’t be too cold, by the way,” says Keith Wallace, president and founder of the Wine School of Philadelphia and author of Corked & Forked: Four Seasons of Eats and Drinks. “It should be served slightly chilled. We chill white wine because it usually has a higher level of acidity, which makes white wine taste more like fresher fruit than a red wine. The chill accentuates that fresh fruit flavor.”

Higor Valle, sommelier at The Continental in Naples, Florida, says red and white wines have different chemical compositions that behave and respond differently under certain circumstances. ‘”The way we perceive them on nose and palate is also different, and temperature is one of the most important factors that will influence or vary this perception,” Valle says. “White wine has a higher proportion of interesting chemicals such as aldehydes, esters, and terpenes that are easier to detect at lower temperature. Aromatic varietals such as Riesling and Sauvignon Blanc will display their signature notes better when chilled [fruit, organic, and non-organic notes: think of green apples, citrus, and slate on Rieslings and grapefruit, fresh herb, and chalk on sauvignon blanc] and it will also accentuate the acid, enhancing the freshness and crisp note on these wines. Around 46 degrees F would be a recommended temperature.”