Lisa Find Love

For the purposes of ease of language I will be referring to perpetrators with male gendered pronouns, and victims/survivors with female gendered pronouns. This is not to deny the fact that not all abusers are male and that not all victims and survivors are female. But, simply to make things flow semantically.

As a therapist working with trauma, I sit across from clients every week who are straining to make sense of abuse. One of their most complicated questions is, “Was the abuse intentional, and what does this mean about the perpetrator of that abuse?” They tell me about positive traits he possesses. He is an activist, a good friend, he has a great sense of humor, goes out of his way for others, he has some really great qualities. Which side of him is real? What box should he be put in and how should the relationship be categorized? Society says he must be a monster, and her friends tell her to, “Forget about that asshole.” But is this narrow view actually helpful to victims?

It perpetuates denial about abusers.

As long as we continue to dehumanize abusers, we continue to be in denial. When we pretend that only a monster could do those things, we ignore the reality that a person perpetrated abuse. When we relegate abuse to the realm of monsters and demons, we begin to falsely believe that no one we care for could ever be abusive. We ignore red flags as we fall for someone or deny that our family member is abusive because, well, only monsters perpetrate abuse. We ignore allegations as our imaginations fail to see the person we think we know and love carrying out violence.

We categorize abuse as something not done by kind, thoughtful, charming, well-liked, curious, and confident people. Something much more ambiguous is true. The truth is that people who perpetrate abuse can also have a multitude of positive traits, and they often have a genuine loving side. It does us no favors to ignore this conflicting truth. Do not meet someone and assume they must be safe because they are smart, well liked, and charming. Do not dismiss allegations of abuse because you see someone’s good side.

It takes away our space to grieve.

After an abusive relationship ends, survivors feel the same things that people do after the end of a non-violent relationship. She misses him, she worries if it was the right choice, she grieves the future they will never have together, and she wishes it could have been different. Victims of abuse feel these things whether they are invited to talk about it or not.

Many clients tell me that they have no space, besides in the therapy room, where they can discuss these complicated feelings. Their family and friends would never understand. Their family and friends might say, “How could you miss someone who did that to you? He’s a monster. Forget about him.” But, that is not how the human heart works. We need space to grieve relationships, even those that are abusive and toxic.

In fact, we may need more space for healing from toxic relationships. When we fail to heal from these relationships we continue repeating unhealthy patterns. It is important to acknowledge when we’ve been in an abusive relationship and to make sense of it. We can’t do that if we are only given a narrow space to talk about it.

It creates shame.

When society categorizes someone as a monster it makes admitting you loved them or are in grief over the end of the relationship pretty difficult. When a survivor of a violent relationship does find herself feeling mournful over the relationship, she often has the very thoughts about herself that others have been mirroring back to her: she wonders what is wrong with her, why she didn’t see it sooner, and if she did something to invite it in some way. She suppresses her sadness and grief because of the shame over these feelings.

If we did less victim blaming, had more conversations about the tactics perpetrators of abuse use at the beginning of a relationship to hide their violent tendencies, and even if we humanized these people more, then survivors might not have as much of the added damage of shame and guilt. Falling in love with someone who turns out to be abusive says nothing about her. The thoughts of, “Why me? Is it something about me that made him pick me?” are shame-based thoughts. Those thoughts say, “There is something wrong with me.” There isn’t anything wrong with survivors. There is something wrong with how we discuss intimate partner violence and the lack of support we offer victims.

It gives us misinformation.

Perpetrators of abuse can be charming, fun, and interesting. The beginning of these relationships can be intense and exciting. They do not always start out as overtly controlling and manipulative. The control and manipulation is often insidious and is easily hidden by our culture’s mislabeling of what is considered romantic.

Showing up at someone’s work unannounced, making huge declarations of love and commitment early on, being intensely jealous, and pushing big, unreturnable favors onto someone are not romantic gestures. They are red-flags in the beginning of toxic relationships. Culturally though, we tend to see these things as a sign that the relationship is off to a good start. He seems like a really nice guy. He does favors for her, he is romantic, and he loves her so much that he can’t even stand the thought of someone else looking at her.

This narrative opposes the one we have about abusers. That narrative says they are bad people who punch their wives, who nobody likes, and who are constant rage-aholics. These are not two different people. These narratives are two sides of one person. He can be sweet and thoughtful, but also pushes boundaries and uses romance as a cover up for his control tactics. It does not make them evil, but it is important to know what that looks like. We need to be able to imagine it.

It falsely correlates abuser with psychopath/narcissist.

Not every perpetrator of abuse is a sociopath. Some are. Some aren’t. Some have personality disorders, co-occurring mental health disorders, or substance abuse problems. These things do not make them abusers. And, while treating any of these co-occurring issues may go a long way in improving their lives, relationships, and behaviors, it will not automatically change them from an abuser to a non-abuser. The only thing that will do that is if they take responsibility for their behavior and for changing it.

It leads us to believe people are just born that way — removing society’s responsibility for raising well-adjusted individuals.

Abuse is, at least partly, a learned behavior. Some people may be genetically or neuropathologically leaning towards more violent tendencies. But it is abuse that will turn that on in someone.

The example of James Fallon highlights this concept. He is a neuroscientist who was conducting a study on the correlation between brain scans and sociopathic behavior. He happened to use his own brain scan as a control, and found out that his brain scan actually more closely matched those of the sociopaths in his study than of the neurotypical brain scans. But he is not a violent person. He admits to being hyper competitive and “kind of an asshole,” but he is not violent or abusive. His brain scan looks like those of convicted murderers, so how is he a functioning member of society? He attributes his lack of violence (as do I) to his abuse-free upbringing.

At the end of the day, abuse is the fault of the abuser, not their childhood. But I recognize that if we teach children to manage their emotions through violence and controlling others, then they are going to rely on those maladaptive coping mechanisms as adults.

It gives the abuser an excuse.

Calling someone a monster assumes that they can only behave one way. I do believe that abusive people can change. Of course, they have to want to change and put in a lot of tedious work. It has to be difficult to admit they’ve been hurting their partners and children. To own up to the behavior and commit to making changes in the direction of more equal relationships is quite an undertaking. But, people can make those changes.

When we simply write a person off as a monster, we allow them to stay the same and never demand that they change.

It leads us to write them off as a lost cause.

People are people, not monsters. I don’t like this term because I think that every time we dehumanize someone, we add to the lower level collective unconscious. That is the kind of consciousness that breeds hate and abuse. There is a way to reject someone’s behavior without rejecting them as inhuman or beyond all intervention. I’m not making a case that any of us have to personally make friends with perpetrators of abuse, but I do believe that healing this problem takes a more dynamic viewpoint.

We believe that abuse is uncommon.

We talk about perpetrators of abuse like we talk about serial killers. We see this person as an almost mythical being. Abuse is not uncommon. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence states that, “1 in 3 women have been victims of some form of physical violence by an intimate partner at some time in their lives” and that more than 20,000 calls to domestic violence helplines are placed daily in the United States. In fact, most violence against women is perpetrated by an intimate partner.

It happens every single day, in every neighborhood, and if you haven’t been a victim of abuse yourself, you know several people who have. Abuse is not inflicted by the rare, horrible person. Abuse is inflicted by men that you would never suspect unless you were his partner.

Abuse is rampant in our society. That is why it is important to acknowledge it and stop pretending like it is rare. We can’t pretend we don’t know who these “monsters” are. Perpetrators of abuse are our fathers, brothers, and partners.

This shift in how we discuss perpetrators goes a long way to demystify the prevalence and dynamic of intimate partner violence.

It erases queer people’s experiences.

Woman on woman abuse and man on man abuse is just as common as man on woman. Again, the statistic remains the same when the people being polled are part of the LGBT community. One out of 3 people have experienced intimate partner violence. This, of course, includes trans people.

Members of the LGBT community have added stressors when it comes to intimate partner violence like being outed, less legal protection, and internalized homophobia or shame about their sexuality or gender identity. Every victim faces the fear and the reality of not being believed, but for women in lesbian relationships, they face the societal stereotypes that women cannot be violent. Male victims of male partners face the normalization of violence between males and the threat that their abuse will be labeled as “mutual” (which is never true).

The way we talk about perpetrators of abuse only acknowledges a very small population of perpetrators. When we fail to acknowledge perpetrators from other backgrounds we fail to recognize their victims.

Resources:

Why Does He Do That? (2002) by Lundy Bancroft

“Love is respect heart org.” Last accessed July 17, 2018. http://www.loveisrespect.org/

“The National Domestic Violence Hotline.” Last accessed July 17, 2018. http://www.thehotline.org/

World Health Organization. Last accessed July 17, 2018. http://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violence-against-women

Stromberg, Joseph. “The Neuroscientist Who Discovered He Was a Psychopath.” November 22,

Insight is that epiphany that puts the pieces together, allows us to make sense of what we could not before, and ultimately paves the way for self-awareness.

“When you are living in the glow of insight,” writes John Sharp, M.D., “your brain’s architecture will change accordingly.”

In his new book, The Insight Cure: Change Your Story, Transform Your Life, John Sharp, a board certified psychiatrist and author of the Emotional Calendar, shows us how even the smallest insights can lead to a cascade of revelations that fundamentally change the way we live our lives and, in the process, eradicate the “false truths” that lie at the heart of emotional pain.

Sharp asks readers, “If you were one of my patients and I asked you, ‘What misconception from childhood is still defining you now, as an adult?’, would you be able to come up with an answer?”

The question, Sharp tells us, reveals just how important our interpretation of events in our lives — not the events themselves — is.

What we think and say to ourselves about what has happened to us in childhood then becomes the false truths which lead to self-sabotaging behaviors as adults. Sharp gives the example of Daria, whose parents met her physical and safety needs while neglecting her social needs. “Her false truth was something like, ‘People always let me down,’” writes Sharp.

Drawing on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, Sharp tells us that gaining insight is like a progression that starts with the most basic insights and moves toward deeper levels of self-awareness. Looking at the pyramid can often give insight into just where we might be stuck.

Getting stuck, however, is the human condition. Sharp writes, “Change is hard because we fear the unknown. A familiar but unhappy world is still known and therefore hard to abandon. Familiarity breeds complacency. Over a lifetime of thinking and behaving a certain way, people grow so accustomed to suffering that it feels normal, healthy, and ‘right’.”

Yet “right” is often wrong, and what makes the difference is insight.

One tool that Sharp offers to help us become aware of what is really motivating our behavior and actions is a motivation matrix where we list internal and external influences, deciphering the positive and healthy from the negative and unhealthy.

Revealing our false truth also exposes our unconscious patterns, which, Sharp tells us, often repeat themselves. He writes, “Insight comes when you convert unconscious to conscious. By making more of your mind known to yourself, you can break bad habits and change while still feeling safe and supported.”

Childhood experiences can feel traumatic and incite unsettling feelings that we must cope with — often by making unconscious adjustments in our thoughts and behavior. “Although the adjustment made you feel better at the time by giving you a sense of safety and control, in the long run it twisted your sense of self and your place in your family and the world,” writes Sharp.

One example Sharp gives is the child whose mother is anxious and overly protective, and as a result learns that independence is dangerous.

And while most people can’t hear their own thoughts, one tool Sharp offers to learn to listen to the unconscious is to record ourselves completing sentence prompts – such as “I always” – until we come up blank.

“Always, never, can and can’t are very powerful words. They create dangerous generalizations about who you are. Sweeping generalizations cause prejudice about racial and religious groups. And you might realize how profoundly you are forming prejudices about yourself,” writes Sharp.

Prejudices can then lead to assumptions we make about ourselves, life, and other people. These assumptions — also known as anticipatory ideas — then becomes our reality.

Sharp writes, “If you assume the world is indifferent and hostile, you are probably bitter and defeated. If you assume the world is caring and basically good, you are probably happy and optimistic, and walk through life with confidence, your arms open to receive and give love.”

Although we often gravitate toward experiences that reinforce our worldview, we can ask questions, pinpoint moments or events, and reveal underlying emotions and thoughts, all of which offer insight.

“You can create a new set of expectations that guarantee positive outcomes,” writes Sharp.

The process is not without fear, intimidation, or anticipatory dread, but by learning to sit with our reflections, forgive ourselves, and ultimately working hard to be the person we want to be, we can stop the cycle of negative self-narratives and self-fulfilling prophecies and become the hero of our own lives.

We will find ourselves in the center of our own existence — our authentic truth — where, as Sharp tells us, our inner light can shine, we can see the world with new eyes, and we can build a new narrative full of strength, confidence, and happiness.

Filled with timeless wisdom, powerful stories, and practical exercises, The Insight Cure is a book that should be read by anyone looking to shift their personal narrative to a more positive, empowering, and fulfilling one, as well as by the clinicians who help guide them.

The Insight Cure: Change Your Story, Transform Your Life
Hay House, February 2018
Hardcover, 272 Pages

When someone outside of therapy learns that Panthea Saidipour is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist, their first question is usually: “Are you analyzing me right now?” Saidipour jokingly responds they shouldn’t worry because she’s off the clock.

But this question actually reveals a common concern clients have, whether they mention it aloud or not: “Are you judging me right now?”

Judgment has no place in therapy, said Saidipour, who works with young professionals in their 20s and 30s who want to gain a deeper understanding of themselves. It kills curiosity. And curiosity is critical in therapy.

“A few of the main goals of psychotherapy, as I see them, are to deepen your understanding of yourself, to help you get more in touch with your inner thoughts and feelings, and to make what’s unconscious more conscious,” Saidipour said. “This requires shifting from a place of judgment to curiosity about yourself.” And it’s from this place of curiosity that clinicians also operate.

The issue of judgment is just one of many questions that comes up. Below, you’ll find other questions clinicians get asked regularly, along with their responses.

Can you help me?

This is probably the number one question psychotherapist Katrina Taylor, LMFT, gets asked by potential clients, who are wondering about her knowledge and experience, and if they’d be a good fit. Taylor stressed the importance of attending an initial session to see what it feels like to talk with a therapist—and to trust your gut feeling about whether they can help you or not.

Of course, this is hard to do if you’re in crisis or in the depths of a difficult illness, which is why Taylor shared these suggestions: Pause to check in with your body and yourself in the session. Ask yourself: How do I feel? What are my emotions telling me?

It’s totally normal to feel anxious, because you’re meeting this therapist for the first time and sharing some vulnerable parts of yourself, Taylor said. “But if this therapist is a good fit for you, you should also feel like you’re listened to and treated with respect.”

There also should be some understanding of your problem, she said. And while your issues won’t be resolved in one session, you and the therapist should have an understanding of how to move forward.

Sometimes, this might look like: “Let’s figure out what the problem is.” “Other times, it can be more specific, such as ‘you’ve been struggling with lifelong depression and you don’t know why. Our task is to work together to understand why you feel that way.’

According to psychologist Matt Varnell, Ph.D, “Therapy is about building a relationship that helps you endure the pain of change.” So if your therapist feels cold or distant, you probably won’t trust them enough to fully engage in therapy, he said. “Having the experience that your therapist understands you and can relate well to you is the best indication that therapy will be successful,” said Varnell, who practices at The Center for Psychological and Family Services in the Chapel Hill, North Carolina area.

And, lastly, you’ll know that a therapist is a good fit if you leave the session with some hope, Taylor said.

Isn’t therapy like talking to a friend?

In a way, it is, said Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a psychologist in Pasadena, Calif. “When you talk to a friend you can feel supported, understood, and maybe even hear some helpful advice.”

However, therapy also is very different. According to Howes, that’s because: clinicians are bound by confidentiality, which means they can’t share anything you say in session (unless you’re a danger to yourself or someone else); the focus is exclusively on you (not your therapist’s issues); and you’re working with a professional who specializes in helping people with your particular concerns.

As Howes said, “Your friend may be great in her line of work and sharp where relationships are concerned, but a graduate degree and thousands of hours of experience providing therapy aren’t even in the same league.” Even if your friend is a therapist, they’re limited in the help they can provide in that role, he added.

What do therapists think about during session?

As Saidipour noted, some clients worry that their therapists are judging them. Or they’re simply curious about what goes through their therapist’s mind as they’re talking.

Varnell typically thinks about what it’s like for his clients to live their lives, and how it feels to be them. “In an odd way, it is almost like a movie of their life is playing in my brain as they talk to me. Often times I am trying to imagine what it would be like for my clients to experience different events given their unique histories.”

For instance, Varnell worked with a client whose parents punished them by taking the door off their room. In one session, the client shared they were anxious about their boss asking questions about their personal life. “As the client was describing that anxiety, a vision of the client sitting in their room with their door off flashed into my mind. I was able to say, ‘Yeah, it’s almost like the door is off your room again and you aren’t entitled to any privacy.’ The client stated, ‘Yes, that is exactly what it is like.’”

How do I know if therapy is working?

According to Howes, the most obvious sign is that your symptoms are decreasing, and you’re accomplishing your goals. For instance, you came to therapy to become more assertive at work. You’ve already asked for a raise and spoke up when a coworker took all the credit for a joint project.

Other signs, however, are less concrete. For instance, for you, improvement might look like trusting another person with your story and emotions, Howes said. “Maybe just being willing to focus on yourself and ask why you do what you do is a sign of progress, as you would normally numb out through busyness, screen time, or self-medication.”

It also might look like noticing patterns in your life, and getting more curious about your automatic reactions, Saidipour said.

But improvement isn’t linear, and things can get worse before they get better. Howes used the analogy of cleaning out a closet: “When you open the closet and start emptying it out, it can feel a bit overwhelming and messy at first. But when you start organizing things and determining what you need and don’t, it becomes more manageable and really feels like progress.”

It also might seem worse because you’re feeling more painful emotions due to greater self-awareness, Taylor said. “Clients can get scared when they feel more. They’re afraid of their anger, hurt and sadness.” Which is understandable. However, this kind of work is the path to long-term healing, she said.

If you’re wondering whether therapy is working, Howes suggested raising the question with your therapist, such as asking: “I sometimes wonder if we’re making any headway here. Are we making any progress toward my goals?”

“Certainly, I can understand feeling a little skeptical about asking your therapist if therapy is working—as they have some stake in the response—but their answer should make some logical sense to you and help you feel more clear about the answer,” Howes said. And if it doesn’t and you feel your therapy isn’t helping, it might be time to find another therapist.

People often want to know how therapy works and exactly what it’ll feel like before they start, Saidipour said. But the relationship between each client and each clinician is unique. “The best way to learn about therapy is to experience it for yourself, and the most rigorous psychotherapy training programs require trainees to experience it for themselves,” too.

“We just can’t take our little selves and the world too seriously, for they contradict the True Self we share equally with God,” writes Dr. Dana Marrocco.

The point Marrocco is making is that if we can’t find laughter in a situation and we can’t laugh at our faulty beliefs, then we are not ready to let them go.

The result is that we continue to tell ourselves lies — and to defend them vehemently.

In her new book, The Top Ten Lies We Tell Ourselves & How to Stop Believing Them, Marrocco explores these lies and challenges us to let them go.

While our spiritual growth depends on listening to our ego intently, it also depends on learning how to say no to what it asks.

The first step — and one of the lies we must let go of — is to be willing to not be right. Marrocco explains, “We automatically look outward for the source of the problem when it comes to assigning blame. This is because we unknowingly suffer from the worldwide epidemic of directionality confusion. In other words, we all have to learn that nothing is coming at us, mandating our judgement and response. In fact, it’s all coming from us — although we would certainly rather not accept this as the way things are.”

Yet, the reality is that suppressing our own wrongness causes us to project it onto others so we can elevate ourselves in their presence, all while denying what is quite obvious to the world around us.

Drawing on a question from A Course in Miracles, which is the inspiration for the book, Marrocco asks, “Do you prefer to be right or to be happy?”

We can overcome the need to be right and assign blame to everyone else for what distresses us by simply no longer playing judge and jury. Marrocco writes, “Wrap up all existing cases, refrain from focusing on the specifics of a case and shift to a more general analysis.”

All judgement is at its core self-judgment, and what we project onto others we keep alive within ourselves.

The separateness that emerges when we see others as wrong and ourselves as right is also felt as scarcity — others have what we want and think we deserve. Marrocco writes, “Trusting the naturally abundant flow of life can be terrifying. The ego is quick to sort through your memories for evidence of when you chose to “let go” and it all went wrong, casting a shadow of impending gloom over your future.”

Yet what we give, like what we project, we also simultaneously receive.

Marrocco writes, “When we give, we demonstrate to ourselves that we have enough. From there we can go on to recognize that giving is our natural state, and it’s all we can really do.”

We can also choose to live a life free from chaos. “We continue to choose [chaos] because of what we get from it: it allows us to think that our preoccupations are normal while denying that there is anything we can do to change our predicament (our predicament being the sum of all our preoccupations),” writes Marrocco.

The suggestion Marrocco makes is to practice interpreting everything that happens, and everything we do or others seem to do, as either an expression of love or a call for love.

And while we may search for others who we think can finally complete us, this too is a lie. “The search for perfect love in the form of a soul mate is at the very heart of sustaining the heart-less ego,” writes Marrocco.

The result is that we engage in what Marrocco calls “emotional cannibalism” where we seek to feed our own needs while devouring our partner’s needs in the process.

Here again, Marrocco encourages us to embrace Oneness, let go of our need for specialness and embrace the idea that we have nothing to hide and nothing to prove. “Either I’m choosing the ego’s hatred for myself and everyone, or I’m withdrawing my belief in it for myself and everyone,” writes Marrocco. We don’t have to be special, better, or even different from everyone else, but that lie, Marrocco tells us, is perpetuated in the cultivation of our false selves.

The secret to happiness is letting go — letting go of the need to be right, to operate in chaos, to be completed by someone else, to be special, to react out of fear, attack first and hold a grudge — and choosing instead to not fear love, but to actually embrace it and all it has to offer.

Our self-deceptions cannot take the place of truth, our thoughts cannot replace the life-affirming presence of love that we are, and we can all learn to choose wisely, replacing insatiable ego driven needs with a feeling of Oneness.

Drawing on her educational and personal experiences, Marrocco sheds light on timeless philosophical and psychological principles to provide straight-forward, practical, and easily implemented advice for a happy life free from self-deception.

The Top Ten Lies We Tell Ourselves & How to Stop Believing Them
Ixia Press, August 2018
Hardcover, 240 Pages

So you recently split from your boyfriend or girlfriend, and the pain of your breakup has you feeling lonely and heartbroken, missing your old flame. Before you start planning how to get your ex back, there are some deep questions to ask yourself about your mindset and relationship habits, especially when it comes to the way you fall in love.

After breaking up with a person they love, some people fall into depression and refuse to get out of bed in the mornings — or even in the afternoons, for that matter. Others spend their days on social media, analyzing and dissecting their ex’s every move with friends (“What was he doing at a wine bar? He’s a beer guy!”).

Regardless of what breakups look like for you, it’s only human to want what you had when it was good. As the old saying goes, “You never know what you have until it’s gone,” so it’s natural to want to stop the pain by rekindling your past relationship and falling in love with your ex all over again.

Breakups hurt, and the pain of heartbreak isn’t something anyone wants to feel.

So just like you pop an aspirin when you have a headache, your painful broken heart might have you thinking about how you can get back together with your ex, if only so you can stop hurting so bad. The Internet knows this, of course, and that’s why everyone and their goldfish has a blog filled with promises of mind tricks that are sure to get your ex eating right out your hand.

You can watch video after video about how to make an ex jealous or how to make them want you more than they ever have before. You can read step-by-step guides on leaving them seething with jealousy or regretting the day they told you it was over.

But creating a second chance isn’t about schemes and games — it’s about rediscovering the love you once had. And the way you do this is to discover yourself first.
Yep, you heard that right. It’s about you, and not them.

Instead of asking, “How do I get my ex back?”, ask yourself, “Why do I want my ex back in the first place?

Now, your answer might be a bit of a tricky one. Some people pursue an ex merely because they want the comfort of a partnership. They might not want to be with their ex, but see that as a better option than being alone. This is a common reason to reunite with a former partner, and it’s also a trap you must avoid.

To make sure you want to reunite for the right reasons, be completely honest with yourself about why you want to get your ex back. Slow down and think — really think — about why you want to reconnect with your lost love. If any of your answers, even a sliver, have to do with fear — like the fear of being alone, the fear of not having a date to the Journey concert in July, or the fear of having to hire a personal escort to pick you up from your wisdom tooth extraction — rethink your plan.

No one, including your ex, wants to be used. Once you remove fear from the equation, your motivations grow true and clear. They grow into a foundation you can build upon. So, that’s the first step — recognizing why you want to reignite the flame. If fear is an issue, you must face it before you can proceed.

Wanting your ex back because you’re afraid of being alone doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t really love your ex, it just means you want a real partner, too. They’re not mutually exclusive. But if you just want a relationship to avoid feeling alone and your ex simply seems like the easiest choice, you have a major issue to resolve.

A relationship with your ex, if you do reunite, will exist precariously. Any hint of conflict will be enough to affect it. Let’s say that you want both — your ex and a partner.

How do you make certain you’re not reacting out of fear?

By facing that fear and getting comfortable being alone with yourself before you set “Operation: Reignite” into motion. Face your fears first, and then you can focus on coming from the most important place you can, the only place you can: the place of love.

This isn’t to say that there’s a quick fix — there isn’t. Reigniting the flame with an ex the right way typically devolves into a void of games, manipulation, and other band-aid like answers. When it comes to second chances, work is required. But, when it comes to real love, the work is worth it.

More from YourTango:

Your Only Chance To Get Him Back Is Having No Contact — Here’s How

The Oddly Effective Way To Get Over Someone & Fall More Deeply In Love With Yourself

5 Steps You Should Absolutely Take If You Want To Get Your Ex Back — For Good

Originally posted at YourTango

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It seems that nowadays, we are spending more time alone. We dine out alone more often and solo vacations are becoming the new family vacations. In fact, one study by Deloitte Insights found that single-person households are expected to rise 13% over the next 12 years.

Yet given our current trajectory, solitude is often not welcome. “Indeed, for many of us, solitude is something to be avoided, something associated with problems like loneliness and depression,” writes author Stephanie Rosenbloom.

In her new book, Alone Time: Four Seasons, Four Cities, and the Pleasures of Solitude, Rosenbloom takes us on a journey across seasons, cities, assumptions, and preconceived notions to consider just what solitude has to offer.

“For one thing, time spent away from the influence of others allows us to explore and define who we are,” writes Rosenbloom.

Unfettered space, time, and room to explore are the foundation of creativity, philosophy, and innovation and something cherished by big thinkers like Michelangelo, Descartes, Nietzsche, and Barbara McClintock, the Nobel Prize-winning geneticist who resisted having a telephone until she was 84.

“While other people can be a source of happiness, they can, at times, nevertheless, be a distraction,” writes Rosenbloom.

What we miss when we are with other people is the opportunity to sink into experience, allowing ourselves to become absorbed while we savor all of the rich details.

One example Rosenbloom offers is the French board game Tokaido, where players must travel Japan’s ancient Tokaido road taking in the mountains, seas, and rice paddies, tasting local specialties, meeting local people, donating to temples, and soaking in hot springs. The object of the game, Rosenbloom tells us, “is not to get to the end of the road first or amass the most money. It is to have the richest experience possible.”

Savoring is not just a way to recharge, restore, and recuperate; it is a way to stave off unpleasant feelings. Rosenbloom quotes psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, saying, “People who become skilled at capturing the joy of the present moment are less likely to experience depression, stress, guilt, and shame.”

Yet savoring is more than just simply taking in the moment. It is the active pursuit of joy in the moment.

Rosenbloom offers the suggestion of Fred Bryant, a psychology professor at Loyola University Chicago, to use “temporal awareness” to remind ourselves that the moment will not last. Rosenbloom writes, “It may seem counterintuitive, but awareness that something is fleeting tends to increase our enjoyment of it.”

The sharpness of our perceptual awareness and the diversity of savoring strategies available to us are often predicative of how much joy we will find in the moment. One example is our appreciation of beauty. Rosenbloom writes, “Alone, we can form a special relationship with art.”

Tranquility, self-reflection, and personal freedom also encourage a deeper understanding of ourselves that is unhindered by the expectations, needs, or responses of others.

We may try things we otherwise would not have, go places we might have avoided, and find ourselves facing uncertainty. These experiences go beyond simplified notions of happiness — they incite a feeling of meaning.

Rosenbloom writes, “Simply getting out of our comfort zones — trying a different route to work, introducing ourselves to a new neighbor, speaking up for something we believe in — is important because it can help us spot opportunities, discover a strength, and shape the trajectory of our life rather than regretting our inaction.”

Challenge is also a fundamental component of flow, the feeling of complete and total absorption in an activity that is enjoyable simply for its own sake. In flow, we expand our boundaries, perhaps even transcend them, perfect our skills, ignite our creativity, and we emerge with a greater sense of self.

Learning, like that which happens in flow, lies at the heart of happiness. “Alone we can go off and learn for the sake of learning, delving into whatever interests us: astronomy, botany, literature, architecture. We can pursue a painting or a planet and experience a gratification that comes from discovering something we didn’t know before,” writes Rosenbloom.

When alone, we can also withdraw into our own restorative, meditative, or reflective place where we can organize our thoughts, reflect on past actions, prepare for future activities, or just do nothing. Rosenbloom quotes Amy Schumer, “I enjoy being alone. I need it. And I’ve never been happier than when I finally figured this out about myself.”

Experiences need not be extraordinary to be gratifying. Selfies need not be taken every moment. And smartphones can be turned off for a day. What we may learn is that it is in the everyday moments — taking in a beautiful sunset, talking to a stranger, visiting a part of our city we had previously rushed by, savoring a delicious meal, or simply sitting still — that engagement, appreciation, and enjoyment live.

With an extraordinary compilation of personal experience and revealing science, Rosenbloom’s Alone Time: Four Seasons, Four Cities, and the Pleasures of Solitude makes the compelling case that we rethink our perceptions of what it means to be alone.

Alone Time: Four Seasons, Four Cities, and the Pleasures of Solitude
Viking, June 2018
Hardcover, 288 Pages

London journalist Christina Patterson wanted to read a book called, I Feel So Awful I Don’t Know What to Do. There was no such book, so she wrote The Art of Not Falling Apart.

Patterson had every reason in the world to fall apart. At thirteen, she started to get tiny bumps all over her face. By twenty-three, she said, “My face was covered in deep red lumps. They throbbed for days, and then turned into giant pustules.” Her sister was hospitalized with schizophrenia at fourteen. Her cousin was clinically depressed and survived an overdose.

At twenty-six, Patterson was told she had lupus. There were times when the pain was so bad she could barely walk. She lost the job that she loved — one of the most devastating losses of all, as her work was what kept her going when everything else was falling apart. Patterson also lost her faith and the community that came with it. Breast cancer happened at age forty. She was “carved, and radiated, and drugged and reconstructed.” Six years later, the cancer returned. She was told it could kill her this time. By the time she was writing The Art of Not Falling Apart, both her sister and her father had died. She had always wanted marriage and children, but she was in her late forties and had neither.

Christina Patterson could have written a mournful, self-pitying book. Or she could have lectured her readers. Or written a sappy, “what me, worry?” sort of thing. Instead, she wrote an inspired, moving, engaging, honest, wise, and often quite witty account of her own life and the lives of many other people who had ample reason to fall apart, but didn’t.

As a journalist, Patterson knows how to talk to people. For The Art of Not Falling Apart, she sought out people who had faced devastating experiences in the hope that they would open up to her, telling their stories and explaining how they somehow managed to survive and sometimes even thrive.

She succeeded spectacularly. One after another, the people she interviewed talked to her as if they were lifelong friends (sometimes they were). Readers almost can’t help but empathize with them, love them, and remember them.

The Art of Not Falling Apart is organized into three sections: Falling, Gathering, and Fighting back. Each of the chapters on falling is devoted to a particular kind of challenge, such as catastrophic illnesses or job losses or the deaths of loved ones. The section on gathering is about summoning your resources, such as your friends and the other people who love you, pouring yourself into the pursuits that matter to you, and appreciating the joys of everyday life, however small. The fighting-back section rounds up the many ways that Patterson and others faced down the challenges of their lives.

Among the many people Patterson interviewed for the book were an editor of a national newspaper who was so devastated when he lost his job that for a while, he didn’t tell his wife or kids and just faked going to work each day; a couple who had a son who drowned at age three and another son who was killed in a car crash; and a man who broke his back three times, had a stroke, and developed epilepsy – but still prepares the food for Patterson’s birthday parties nearly every year. Patterson also interviewed Frieda Hughes, whose mother, Sylvia Plath, killed herself when Frieda was not quite three years old.

As for Patterson, we learn that over the course of her life, as she is dealt one horribly cruel blow after another, she does not withdraw. Instead, she learns to live her life more expansively. For a long time, she avoided school reunions. She “didn’t want to be the one who didn’t have a partner, didn’t have children,” especially since she imagined that her classmates “had perfect lives.” Then she went to a reunion and discovered how far from ideal their lives really were. Some who were parents, for example, had children who were anorexic or had severe anxiety, or who had soul-crushing jobs, or who were jailed.

Patterson used to feel shame about being single. She came to realize that she actually liked being on her own and decided to live her single life “magnificently.” That included going to parties on her own, traveling on her own, throwing annual birthday bashes, and, most impressively, buying a little place of her own — a second home — in Tuscany. She used to think that her friends in romantic relationships were the grown-ups and she was the child. She doesn’t think that anymore.

In the midst of such a terrific book, I was disappointed to find Patterson giving credence to the same old singles-bashing myths that have been taken down with data. For example, she claims that “all the research” shows that marriage is “better for your health.” The best studies defy that conclusion. She also claims, quoting a professor, that marriage makes people happy. Again, it doesn’t.

Worse was what she said about single-parent families, beginning with a string of exaggerated claims about how poorly the children of single parents are doing, and including this dismissive and unfair knock on single parents: “… many people seem to think they have a right to weave in and out of relationships as they want. Their children just need to travel light and come along for the ride.” Bafflingly, she said that after writing an entire chapter on affairs — many of them conducted by people who were married with children. It is also odd that she could make such a generalization when, in the same book, she speaks respectfully and even lovingly about specific single parents she knows.

Roll your eyes when you get to those parts. They don’t last long. Settle in and savor all the other pages of the book. It is amazing how a book on life’s devastations can leave you feeling so good.

The Art of Not Falling Apart
Atlantic Books, May 2018
Paperback, 352 pages

If you’ve been messaging online and the interest is there, the natural next step is to meet each other IRL (in real life!) and see if you connect offline. Figuring out the appropriate timing can present a variety of challenges, especially if you and your potential date have differing expectations, comfort levels, and preferences regarding pace and timing.

When evaluating the right time to meet, it is equally important to determine if you actually want to meet the person in the first place. Tuning into how someone treats you online aids you in making smart decisions about meeting or screening out a potential date.

Here are four strategies to guide you in determining if and when you should meet someone in person:

1. Put your safety first by being aware of red flags and being smart when planning first dates.

Check in with yourself about how online communication with a potential date feels. While many agree that online dating communication is filled with jitters, understand that generally feeling nervous about making a good impression or being interested in someone is different than feeling nervous about a specific person. If a potential date is disrespectful of your boundaries, gives you a hard time about taking time to respond back during your workday, obsessively asks questions about where you live or where you work, these are major red flags. Although it is an exciting feeling to have a date lined up, you may want to let this person down easily and save your energy for other potential matches. Also, take your safety into consideration when planning dates. Meet in a public place for the first time (instead of being picked up or having a first date in your home). Regardless of how tempting it may be to meet in a private place or take your date back to your home, it’s worth it to pace yourself and move slow as you get to know each other.

2. Use online encounters as information about a potential partner (and screen out if you need to).

How someone communicates online says a lot about who they are as a person and gives you clues about their agenda. Use messaging as signals about someone’s values, respect for boundaries, relationship goals, and social skills and then make the decision to meet or not. For example, overly sexual comments often suggest that your potential date is looking for a casual hook-up, expects sex early on, or has boundary issues. If someone is coming on strong with sexual innuendo or compliments and you are looking for something serious, it’s best to cut ties instead of meeting. Give yourself permission to decline a first date while also reminding yourself to stay open and give people chances (this can be a tricky line to navigate).

3. Make sure you are comfortable, but meet as soon as possible.

The goal is to figure out what makes you feel the most comfortable while making meeting a priority if you are potentially interested. I am not a fan of rigid dating rules regarding timing and I believe it is most important to assess your own comfort level and make decisions from an empowered, open place. Some people are comfortable meeting with little prior online communication, some people only feel comfortable meeting after a phone call plus messaging, and some people expect weeks of continuous contact before meeting. There is no perfect right way, but it is key to have integrity with your word, be honest and upfront about expectations, and weed out people who you have no intention of meeting. Also know that waiting too long to schedule a first meeting can result in disappointment and wasted time, so it’s better to meet sooner than later. The longer your communication progresses before meeting, the higher the likelihood of fantasy thinking, high expectations, assumptions, and formed opinions about the person behind the phone or computer, which in the end can work against you. Although you can learn a lot about someone through online or phone communication, the true test of real chemistry and attraction is to spend time together in person.

4. Don’t allow yourself to be strung along (and don’t string along others either).

It’s one thing to take your time getting to know each other by messaging back and forth prior to date planning, but it’s a bad sign if going on a date is brought up but no action is taken and plans to meet aren’t materializing. Remember that you don’t have real plans to meet until a first date is concretely planned and agreed upon (and then you both have to show up!). Be courteous, responsible and respectful by not leaving potential dates hanging and wondering if you are ever going to actually meet. For example, if you vaguely invite someone on a date with you for Saturday night in a message that Tuesday, but then your potential date doesn’t hear from you until Saturday morning to firm up plans, you may not get the date after all. If you do end up getting the date, this person may have spent Tuesday through Saturday wondering what your deal was, assuming you weren’t serious about dating, or feeling anxious. Don’t wait until the last minute to pick a time, place and location for dates. Make some effort and show interest appropriately!

Online dating etiquette can feel complicated, but do your best to follow your gut, make mindful decisions (and not impulsive, anxious ones), and screen out potential matches exhibiting red flags. Be engaging in your messages and follow through with dating planning to ensure you are not only getting dates, but are creating opportunities to meet people with similar values and relationship goals. Above all, be smart and know your worth!

About the Author:

Rachel Dack is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC), Nationally Certified Counselor and relationship coach, specializing in psychotherapy for individuals and couples via her private practice in Bethesda, Maryland. Rachel’s areas of expertise include relationships, self-esteem, dating, mindfulness, anxiety, depression and stress management. Rachel is a co-author to Sexy Secrets to a Juicy Love Life, an International Bestseller, written to support single women in decreasing frustration about single-hood, leaving the past behind, cultivating self-love and forming and maintaining loving relationships. Rachel also serves as a Relationship Expert for http://www.datingadvice.com/ and other dating and relationship advice websites. Follow her on Twitter for more daily wisdom!

The post Connecting Offline: How to Know if You Should Meet Your Match appeared first on eharmony Advice.

Social media today isn’t what it was, say, 10 years ago. In the past, there was still a large group of adults who didn’t participate in social media platforms. Today, put simply, they do. According to recent Pew Data, as many as 88 percent of American adults between the ages of 18 and 29 are on social media. Jargon intended: That’s, like, a lot of people. Social media has become an unavoidable part of our social lives. It has become an integral vehicle for communication between people and a platform for self-presentation, and it is probably never going away.

In terms of how social media impacts dating relationships, I can report anecdotally from my clinical work that it often causes stress and anxiety. Specifically, some men and women report that they sometimes feel worse or more anxious after seeing something on their date’s or ex-dates postings. I once appeared on a television show to discuss what I called “Facebook Stalking,” and this was at a time when Facebook was used more actively by young adults. “Facebook Stalking” or, come to think of it, “eHarmony Checking” are obviously not clinical terms but you understand the larger issue: sometimes your checking behavior is a bit of a problem. The good news is that problems can often be solved.

Take a look at a few signs that your behavior – checking your date’s social media platforms – has gotten too extreme.

You often feel anxious, bothered or upset by something you’ve seen on social media.

If you are constantly checking your date’s social media, you probably feel stressed sometimes as a result of something you’ve seen or read. If you check a lot, you may feel stressed out frequently, even a few times per day. There is nothing wrong with social media. It’s like anything; moderation is usually the best approach. You shouldn’t routinely do things in your life that create frequent or intense anxiety, so the goal is to give yourself some limits when it comes to checking up on your date. Perhaps tell yourself to check no more than once or twice each day; maybe take a break for a couple days if you’re checking all the time.

You spend a lot of time during a given period talking to your friends about what he or she was doing or saying on social media.

If what he or she was doing on social media is an intense or frequent subject, your checking his or her social media has probably gotten too extreme. Your friends aren’t paid therapists, so don’t make them work too hard. When any of us start indulging too many of our issues and draining our friends as a result, we need to take a step back and reduce social media checking for a minute.

The real problem is actually about trust and self-esteem.

If you have decent self-esteem and don’t have major trust issues, you are probably not going to need to compulsively check your date’s or ex-date’s social media platforms. You check compulsively because you feel anxious or afraid about the status of that person’s feelings for you. In such times, you wonder any of the following possibilities: Am I being cheated on? Is he interested in someone else? Is she still “into” me? Who is she spending time with now? Does he look happier than me? Of course, the list is endless. The key is to remember that social media isn’t the problem; it’s the combination of trust issues and low self-esteem that cause dysfunctional social media checking. Answer these questions now: Do you trust that you are lovable enough that this person will probably want to continue to be with you in the future? Do you trust that this person will be faithful to you?

The solution to some problems starts with the simple art of reflection.

The mere act of thinking about your behavior sets you on a positive spiral toward change. Think about it in a critical way – not mean-critical but constructive-critical – so that you can fix the problem. Protect your feelings and your mood. Don’t do things that make you feel worse. Finally, use this motto I share with my clients: I don’t put myself in a dependent position where my self-esteem depends entirely on any one person’s feelings about me.

About the Author:

Dr. Seth is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

The post Signs You’re ‘Social Media Stalking’ Your Dates appeared first on eharmony Advice.

Relationship Matters Podcast Number 78 “Depression, emotion regulation and the demand and withdraw pattern during intimate relationship conflict: Dr Sarah Holley discusses her paper which investigates the relationship between depression and the demand/withdraw pattern common in conflict in romantic couples. Read the associated article here. 

Interested in learning more about relationships? Click here for other topics on Science of Relationships. Like us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter to get our articles delivered directly to your NewsFeed. Learn more about our book and download it here.

Okay, so we all worry. Many of us may feel we worry too much while others may feel that excessive worry isn’t a problem. And some in both groups are likely correct. Some people legitimately have a lot to worry about because of, for example, perilous jobs, dangerous living conditions, serious health conditions and more, but for many, our worry is excessive.

We may allow worries and anxiety to have more control over us than we should. Worry can get in the way of sleep, make it difficult to concentrate at work, or keep us from enjoying the company of family or friends. But it doesn’t have to be this way, according to David Carbonell, Ph.D., author of The Worry Trick.

The Worry Trick is for people who feel they worry too much. There isn’t a real standard for how much we should worry because our experiences are different, as are our responses to those experiences. But if worry regularly makes us uncomfortable or makes it difficult to work or sleep, we have a problem and we probably know it.

Carbonell is a clinical psychologist who focuses on anxiety disorders. He is the author of the Panic Attacks Workbook, which helps people reduce or eliminate panic attacks. He also has a website, www.anxietycoach.com, which covers some interesting topics related to worry and anxiety, such as fear of flying, public speaking and more.

In The Worry Trick, Carbonell helps readers do two things. First, he shows us how our minds cause us to worry more than is appropriate or needed. Second, he provides techniques that can help us eliminate unnecessary worry and keep worry in its appropriate place.

When we worry, our brains “trick” us into holding onto worry longer than we should. We may have doubts about something, but our brains turn them into more serious worries. When we obsess about something, it seems to get stronger and more worrisome. Carbonell explains that this can be controlled.

Carbonell reminds readers that worry does serve a good purpose. It can signal an imminent problem, put us on guard about future meetings or events, remind us of the importance of things in our lives, and more. After worry has done its job, though, it is up to us to file the information or thought and move on. For many people, that is not so easy, and that’s when trouble starts. Carbonell then introduces readers to such tools as the Rule of Opposites, the Uncle Argument, and the AHA moment to control their worrying.

Carbonell guides us to acknowledge worry and accept it for what it is. He asks readers to think about the subject of our worry and consider whether it is actually significant or even something likely to occur. Sometimes the subject of our worry is so unlikely to happen that it becomes laughable, if we can see it for what it is. We might tell a friend that what they are worried about is silly, although the same worry in our own brain somehow takes on a different importance. We should try to see the humor in some of our worries and be able to laugh about them when the chances of something happening are so small.

Many readers will benefit from reading The Worry Trick and applying its techniques. Anxiety has an inappropriate hold over many people and this book can help them regain control. Even those who feel their worry is already under control, regardless of how extensive it is, may still benefit from Carbonell’s book. For anyone who would like to spend less time worrying and more time enjoying life, this book is a good idea.

The Worry Trick: How Your Brain Tricks You Into Expecting the Worst and What You Can Do About It
New Harbinger Publications, Inc., February 2016
Paperback, 232 Pages
$16.95

What if, instead of trying to manage anger, we just never got angry?

While the question may seem to contradict human nature and maybe even seem like an unrealistic proposition, what makes the difference, David J. Lieberman says, is perspective.

In his new book, Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way To Stay Calm and Cool In Any Conversation or Situation, Lieberman, who is also the author of Get Anyone To Do Anything and Never Be Lied To Again, explains that by recognizing the underlying reasons we get angry, we can learn how to utilize our innate neuroplasticity to rewire our brains toward a state of calm.

At any given time, there are multiple forces placed upon us. We desire comfort and pleasure, the approval of our peers, and to feel good about ourselves at the end of the day. How we answer these competing demands plays a large role in the level of anger we feel.

Lieberman writes, “When we routinely succumb to immediate gratification or live to protect and project an image, we become angry with ourselves and ultimately feel empty inside.”

When, through our choices and life decisions, we don’t like who we have become, we often seek to escape our feelings through excessive behaviors, endless entertainment, and even abusive behaviors. Eventually, as Lieberman writes, “our willingness to endure short-term pain for long-term gain wanes.”

Irresponsible behavior and the underlying feelings of guilt, insecurity, and shame also cause us to compensate, often placing our own defects elsewhere. Lieberman writes, “To the degree that we refuse to accept the truth about ourselves and our lives — and overcome our laziness and fear of pain — the ego engages to protect us and it shift the blame elsewhere.”

The gaping hole between reality and our contrived reality then interferes with our adjustment to the world around us.
The emotional instability that drives anger is, at its core, a fundamental lack of clarity. “The wider the chasm between the truth and our ability to accept it, the more fragile our emotional health becomes,” writes Lieberman.

Our need for reality to conform to our self-image comes at a psychological and physiological price. Cognitive dissonance, the tension that arises from holding two contradictory positions at once, causes the reasoning areas of our brain to shut down and forces us to edit the world around us to avoid threats to our ego.

Lieberman writes, “We hide behind a carefully crafted façade, and the identity that we build to shield ourselves soon becomes a shell encasing us. Over time, we fall into a hellish gap of unrealized potential, our true self weakens, and we feel hollow inside.”

Focusing on our own pain and on how difficult life is for us is a predictable recipe for anger and one that keeps us from truly connecting with others. Lieberman writes, “Parenthetically, the ease with which we rise above our own problems and shift attention to the welfare of another is a reliable marker of emotional health.”

When we can separate our needs for approval, respect, and admiration, we are free to choose our own reality. “When someone acts rudely toward us, it doesn’t mean anything. This person’s words or deeds cause us to feel bad about ourselves because of our self-image,” writes Lieberman.

It is often our beliefs about others behaviors and what they mean that drive our anger. We may conclude that we are not worthy of love and fear being rejected and alone.

The result is the feeling of shame. Lieberman writes, “Shame is our conscious, the voice of the soul that says, I am less because of my actions; it is the painful belief that our behavior makes us unworthy of love and undeserving of acceptance — and by extension, all that we love is neither safe nor secure.”

By acting responsibly, we build the self-esteem that gives us the strength to delay gratification, tolerate discomfort, live in accordance with the soul, find meaning in adversity, have faith that things will work out as they should, live productively, and follow a path that is not paved with circumstances, but rather, our response to those circumstances.

Self-acceptance can also transform our perspectives on the past, learn to forgive, live authentically, and choose to respond calmly irrespective of our own or others’ emotional states.

What we will find is a life not free from anger triggers, challenge, frustration, or adversity, but one that, despite those things, offers meaning, purpose, self-acceptance, joy, and gratitude.
Parsing psychological processes into elegant and applicable concepts, Never Get Angry Again is a book that can be read and re-read.

Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way To Stay Calm and Cool In Any Conversation or Situation
St. Martin’s Press, January 2018
Hardcover, 240 Pages

One of my dearest friends has struggled with chronic pain and fatigue for years. At her worst, she was sleeping roughly 20 hours a day and would still not feel refreshed. When she speaks of that time in her life, there is apparent sadness in her voice. What if there had been a resource that provided a possible way out of that vortex of darkness? Perhaps The Intelligent Body would have given her some insight into her condition and the role she played in it.

Kyle L. Davies has quite the resume and experience to support the theory in his book, The Intelligent Body: Reversing Chronic Fatigue and Pain From the Inside Out. Davies’ book outlines his theory regarding energy flow and its connection to physical ailments. He makes reference to neuroscience, biology, and psychology to describe the foundations of his theory. Using compassion and tact, Davies explains how becoming unaligned from the true self can oftentimes be a cause behind chronic fatigue and pain. Becoming symptomatic can be a sign that the body is attempting to alert the individual to an emotional or mental issue that needs to be handled.

The first half of the book is spent outlining the theory behind his method. He discusses how stress can be present even if we do not consciously feel it in our bodies or in our hearts. He also mentions the importance of emotions and being able to recognize and sit in our emotions. “Emotional feelings are inviting you to align with your true self and intuition is direct communication from your true self. This connection, or alignment, with the true self is one of the primary cornerstones in Davies’ work. He spends a chapter titled “Who am I Anyway” on self-identification, which is compounded by the following chapter on “The Expanded Self”. In this chapter, he explains that the expanded self is:

• Being beyond or “out of the mind”
• Feels & experiences
• Everything is Now. Not affected by past or future.
• Dissolves resistance to feeling
• No judgment of self or feelings
• Does not attach meaning to feelings
• Does not label feelings, just feels the sensations

Davies is careful to weave the foundation of his theory into these chapters in order to illustrate how all of the ideas work together.

The second half of this book could be considered the action portion. In it, Davies discusses how to get into alignment with the true self and stretch further into the expanded self. He discusses many topics that will be familiar to those who have experience in self-improvement or therapy: empowerment, addressing fear, setting boundaries, and recognizing and meeting your needs. There is nothing altogether showy about Davies approach to these topics. Rather, his precision, diplomacy and compassion make the topics seem relatively attainable without creating an impression that they are “easy.” His emphasis on the role of individual responsibility echoes throughout this action portion of the book. From taking responsibility for one’s own words and thoughts to taking the time to care of yourself, Davies clearly understands the role that personal responsibility plays in an empowered life.

The Intelligent Body will certainly resonate with many readers. However, having many friends who suffer from a variety of chronic illnesses, I wonder how well-received this particular book would be without a professional guiding the reader along. For patients who suffer from chronic pain, for instance, the text might come off as patronizing. While I have a chronic condition, I do not suffer daily from my illness. For patients like me, the book is much more tangible, inspiring, and relatable. However, I would feel incredibly hesitant to hand this to a friend who is suffering regularly. Perhaps therapists who work with chronically ill patients could find that the book might benefit some of their patients.

All in all, The Intelligent Body provides an interesting and different approach to dealing with the day-to-day effects of chronic illness. Further, it could be considered a reliable resource for anyone who finds that they are just floating through their life. Other texts to read in conjunction with Davies’ work would be Deepak Chopra’s The Healing Self or Bessel Van Der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score. For more work specific to coming into alignment with the true self, readers could also consider reading Wake Up! by Chris Baréz-Brown.

The Intelligent Body: Reversing Chronic Fatigue and Pain From the Inside Out
W. Norton & Company, May 2017
Hardcover, 304 Pages

We all want love, and we want our romantic relationships to work, but that alone is no guarantee they will. The unpleasant reality is that more often than not, we are our own biggest problem. We may have deep rooted fears that cause us to sabotage our relationships, push our partners away, and keep love at bay. Further, we may not even know we are doing this.

Until, perhaps, we hear ourselves say it out loud.

Acknowledging our unhealthy patterns out loud is not only the cornerstone of what is now known as Voice Therapy, it is, for Tamsen and Robert Firestone, the authors of Daring To Love: Move Beyond Fear of Intimacy, Embrace Vulnerability, and Create Lasting Connection, the way to learn to love.

The authors point out, “Part of the problem is that we don’t recognize love as a skill that can be learned and developed. We often treat it as if it were an instinct or an innate ability.”

We may have inherited an attachment pattern that deems caring about others unsafe. We may have learned to fear rejection and not trust those who say they love us. And we may have adopted defenses to avoid emotional pain.

But because these things are largely unconscious, we often don’t identify the ways in which we are pushing love away. The authors write, “We try to make sense of our rejecting or hostile behavior by attributing it to circumstances or blaming it on others, particularly our loved ones.”

One example the authors give is the neglected child who learned to turn inward and be self-sufficient, not asking for anything from anyone else. “This defense leaves you feeling cynical and distrustful of people and assuming that they will ignore or disregard you,” write the authors.

Part of this protective process is that we also develop negative views of ourselves, internalizing the negative attitudes or feelings directed toward us, and we form a critical inner voice.

The authors write, “It isn’t even necessary to convey negative or critical words directly to a child — children pick up on parents’ and other caregivers’ underlying anger and hostility, and they integrate these feeling in the form of attacks by the inner critical voice.”

When filtering our experiences, the inner critical voice presents us with an inaccurate picture of ourselves and the world around us, diminishing our sense of identity and encouraging us to turn away from our true motives and desires. The first step in healing the critical inner voice is to identify the critical thoughts we have about ourselves.

“How can you become aware of what your critical inner voice is telling you? Think first about the ways in which you criticize yourself,” write the authors. They believe that verbalizing the critical inner voice — and shifting from “I” statements to “you” statements — helps us become more conscious of them.

“As negative thoughts come to you, and as you verbalize them in the form of “you” statements, you may have a strong reaction because you’ll be feeling your critical inner voice’s hostility toward you, your partner, and your relationship,” write the authors.

By reflecting on the source of these inner critical attacks, we come to see them as reflections of the negative and hostile experiences we have endured and internalized. When we trace our critical inner voice to sources in our childhood, we develop a sense of compassion for ourselves and the ability to confront these negative attacks and make a plan to counter them.

“The process of confronting your critical inner voice also sheds light on your own point of view, and on what has meaning for you; it offers insight into who you are,” write the authors. By practicing behaviors that confront our inner critical voice, we can begin to rewire our brains.

“Voice Therapy enables you to identify the actions that will successfully rewire your brain. For one thing, when you can pinpoint a destructive behavior that is instigated by your critical inner voice, you gain clarity about which behavior you need to stop in order to weaken those old connections in the brain between your critical inner voice and the destructive behavior,” write the authors.

And when we recognize the ways in which we may withhold in a relationship — being habitually late, procrastinating, disregarding the concerns of others, or simply not being congenial — we can also begin to see how we avoid feeling vulnerable.

Being deeply loved can arouse many feelings — sadness that stems from past pain, appreciation for the preciousness of life, fear of being disregarded or consumed by another person, guilt about experiencing love, and fear of loss. But by learning to treat love not as a state but an action that can be practiced daily, we find the courage to love and love fully.

Packed with numerous helpful journal exercises, real-life examples, and a practical step-by-step approach to overcoming our defenses against love, Daring To Love is a useful resource for anyone looking to improve their romantic relationships or help others improve theirs.

Daring To Love: Move Beyond Fear of Intimacy, Embrace Vulnerability, and Create Lasting Connection
New Harbinger Publications, May 2018
Softcover, 208 Pages