Lisa Find Love

There’s a prevailing belief that exploring your past in therapy is pointless. A complete waste of time. After all, talking about past circumstances doesn’t change them. It’s also self-indulgent and narcissistic, right? And it takes too darn long. You can talk about your childhood for years and not get anywhere.

Plus, rehashing the past means blaming your parents for everything, and perpetuating the role of victim.

In actuality, these are all common myths and misconceptions.

Psychotherapist Katrina Taylor, LMFT, pointed out that there’s a difference between blaming and accountability. “If your parents have hurt you in the past, it’s important to take an honest look at how that’s affected you.” Doing so might spark a productive, healing conversation with your family and stop you from repeating similar patterns with your own kids, she said.

Exploring the past doesn’t mean perpetuating a victim stance either. Acknowledging our pain means acknowledging our vulnerability and humanity, Taylor said. “Being in touch with those feelings is what allows us to do something different in our lives.”

“By looking backward, one can better understand their present and make positive changes for the future,” said Emily Griffiths, LPC, a licensed psychotherapist in private practice who specializes in the treatment of anxiety, depression and trauma in Austin, Texas.

Exploring the past gives clients “corrective emotional experiences,” she said, which is “when a client experiences something that challenges a previously held belief.” For instance, maybe you grew up thinking that most people can’t be trusted or that you’re not good enough or capable.

“When people talk about their past they realize the distortions they had because of their age or position, they see how a reasonable thought then could be an unreasonable thought now, or they realize that they’ve blamed themselves for something they’d never blame another child for,” said Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, Calif.

After telling their story or answering a question, Howes’s clients have often said: “Wow, when I said that out loud, it seemed [‘not as scary’ or ‘totally irrational’ or ‘just what my mom would say’ or ‘not me at all’].”

Exploring their early environment helps clients understand who they are and why, said Taylor. They might explore everything from whether their parents encouraged independence or prolonged attachment to whether they invited emotional expression or wanted kids to be “seen and not heard,” she said.

Looking back also helps to uncover your relationship patterns, Taylor said. “[A] man who comes to therapy saying that his wife complains of his emotional coldness will understand himself on a different level when we explore the relationship with his stoic mother who encouraged him to ‘grin and bear it’ rather than cry.”

You might discover why you do all sorts of things today—why you say yes to things you don’t want to do, why you sabotage your performance when you can actually succeed, why you dwell on the negative. And then you can take action to challenge these patterns, Howes said.

In fact, mining the past for clues into your present behavior can be transformative. “When you realize you’ve sought out unavailable partners because you always wanted love from an unavailable parent, this can liberate you to seek love from people who really care about you,” Howes said.

Exploring the past is especially helpful when old messages persist and have contributed to a poor self-image, Howes said. You can learn where messages like “You’re a bad person,” “You’ll never make it” or “You’re just a phony” originated from and dismantle them, he said.

Howes also noted that delving into the past may be necessary when a client has experienced trauma. The key, he said, resides in retelling the story of the traumatic event, because the more you talk about it, the more you tend to lose the emotional impact. “By the tenth time [you tell] the story, it [feels] like [you’re] reading from a script, and you [don’t] feel the trauma at all.”

Griffiths agreed. “Reliving difficult experiences in the safety of the therapeutic relationship can help the client disconnect the memory from the physical aspects that are the source of extreme discomfort such as night sweats, panic attacks, and fixating on thoughts and past events.”

Griffiths underscored that if a client has discussed the traumatic event, doesn’t feel safe or doesn’t think it’ll be helpful to talk about in the moment, she doesn’t believe it’s essential to explore it. She focuses on creating a safe space for her clients to share their trauma when they’re ready.

Moreover, turning to the past is critical when there’s a longstanding problem the client has been unable to overcome. Taylor believes that a high percentage of people who start therapy struggle with problems that stem from their childhood experiences. The key is to zero in on the defenses—or adaptations, as Taylor calls them—that people have developed to deal with their family environment.

“At some point the symptom served an important purpose for the client and it continues to persist. Perhaps the client knows this is something they need to change but seem unable to do so.”

Taylor shared this example: A person keeps having relationships with emotionally abusive partners. They don’t want to keep doing this, and yet they regularly find themselves in these relationships. This client “consciously wants to change, but unconsciously feels pulled to repeat a familiar kind of relationship”—the early relationship with their caregivers. Maybe they internalized the message that they don’t deserve anything better than abuse, or maybe being criticized feels more loving than praise, she said.

“Exploring these questions is what allows the client to understand the motivations behind their choices and to begin to choose differently.”

You don’t always need to explore your past in therapy. As Howes said, if the problem is recent—you’ve been symptom-free your whole life, and a hit-and-run has made you feel uneasy on the road—he’s not going to ask about your grandmother. “Some problems aren’t rooted in the past, and digging would be a fruitless endeavor.”

Taylor shared these additional examples: a client needs space to grieve the loss of a loved one, they’re dealing with an empty nest, or they’ve lost their job. (However, if a client frequently loses their job, it’s time “to get historical and understand how the past is influencing the present and causing this person to sabotage themselves.”)

Some clients simply don’t care about the past. For instance, you have a strong dog phobia, and instead of learning how it developed, you just want it to stop, Howes said.

Not all therapists prioritize the past. Cognitive-behavioral therapists, for example, mainly focus on current thoughts and behaviors, Howes said.

“It’s the therapists who choose to look at relational patterns, early trauma, and the unconscious who find value in exploring the past.” Howes noted these therapists may use the following words to describe their work: “relational,” “attachment-based,” “Freudian,” “Jungian,” “depth-psychology,” “psychodynamic,” or “psychoanalytic.”

Howes believes that “we are shaped by data from our genetics as well as our past, with a strong emphasis on our earliest experiences. As the Alexander Pope quote from 1734 says: ‘Just as the twig is bent, the tree’s inclined.’ We can’t help but be influenced by our early life, especially the profoundly positive or negative experiences.”

“The therapists who dive into the past do so because they believe the origins of the problem, or the reasons the problem is intensified or remains stubborn, lies in the past,” Howes added.

Taylor believes that exploring our past goes beyond the individual; it benefits society.

“We all unconsciously repeat childhood patterns in our lives that we’re not aware of. We value certain emotions over others, we expect people around us to behave in certain ways, and we may struggle with empathy and compassion for those different from us.”

When we look into the past, we uncover these unconscious patterns, and when we better understand ourselves, we better understand others, too, she said. When we have compassion for all our parts—including the darker parts—we’re more respectful of others’ humanity.

“Overall, the work of therapy, and particularly with a focus on past relationships, contributes to a kinder world.”

If exploring the past is stopping you from seeking therapy, start your session by expressing this fear directly. According to Taylor, you might say: “I’m here because certain things in my life are not working but I’m hesitant to explore my history and I’m not sure why.”

As Howes added, “The beauty of therapy is [that you and your therapist are] united in a common cause—understanding you and helping you manage your life.”

Epigenetics refers to the study of a natural phenomenon and to the phenomenon itself. Epigenetics is the study of the mechanisms that turn on and off the expression of our genes without altering the DNA sequence. Epigenetics is also used to refer to the changes in expression of our genes.

Factors such as age, nutritional habits, psychological stress, physical activity, working habits and substance abuse can trigger changes in gene expression (Alegría-Torres, 2011). These changes in gene expression, epigenetics, happen all the time in the natural world.

For example, two identical twins, born with the exact same DNA sequence may not express the same genes. One may develop an illness while the other does not. Even diseases that are highly heritable are not guaranteed to develop in both identical twins. If your identical twin has schizophrenia, you have a 53% chance of developing schizophrenia (Roth, Lubin, Sodhi, & Kleinman, 2009). But If you have the exact same DNA, and schizophrenia is genetically heritable, why do you not have 100% chance of developing the same disorder?

Our environment and lifestyle impacts our gene expression.

For better or for worse, the DNA we are born with does not predetermine our health. Life experiences and environmental factors play an important role in who we become.

For people facing mental health challenges, and for therapists providing treatment, understanding that DNA is not destiny can help shape treatment.

Epigenetics and inherited trauma; an experimental manipulation

In a recent study, researchers showed how interpersonal early life stress can impact second and third generation offspring. Researchers exposed mice offspring to early and unpredictable separation from their mother from day 1 to 14. The mother was subjected to stress and the offspring were physically restrained or placed in cold water. This kind of situation is classified as chronic and unpredictable stress.

The offspring displayed depressive symptoms, as was expected. However, the interesting result of this study was what occurred with the second and third generation offspring. The next generations were raised normally. However, the later generations also displayed abnormally high rates of depressive symptoms.

To factor out the effects of being cared for or being in a group with the first generation traumatized mice, the researchers inseminated the sperm of the past traumatized males into the eggs of non traumatized mice. The results were the same, offspring raised normally with non-traumatized mothers still displayed abnormally high rates of depressive symptoms.

While the mechanism of passing trauma through generations is unknown, it is thought that the the dysregulation of short RNA’s occurs as a result of an overexposure to stress hormones circulating in the body

The results are thought to be relevant for humans as well. Children exposed to early and ongoing trauma are more likely to develop a variety of physical, behavioral and emotional disorders. In addition to emotional and mental disorders, sufferers of childhood abuse are also at increased risk to develop physical health problems such as heart disease, obesity, and cancer (National Human Genome Research Institute).

Is fear heritable?

Puzzled by the problems in inner city communities where problems such as mental illness, drug addiction and other problems seemed to occur over generations, Kerry Ressler became interested in researching the intergenerational transference of risk. The Ressler lab investigates the genetic, epigenetic, molecular and neural circuit mechanisms that underlie fear. An experiment with mice revealed that memories of pain can be passed down to first and second generation offspring even though these offspring had never experienced the fearful stimuli.

In the study, small electric shocks were paired with a particular odor in male mice. After the situation occurred numerous times, the mice, when encountering the odor would tremble in fear even without the shocks. The first and second generation offspring of these mice displayed the same reactions to the odor, even though they had never experienced the electric shocks (Callaway, 2013).

So what does this mean? From these experiments we can see that the memory of significant trauma is passed down to the the next generation and even the generation after that. What happened to our grandparents and our parents seems to leave a memory in our physical beings.

The good news

Epigenetics is also affected by positive environmental influences. While we can see that trauma affects our offspring through the malleable process of gene expression, this new line of research is also showing that epigenetics can be reversed.

If male mice experience early trauma and then are placed in a nurturing environment they go on to develop normal behavior. Their offspring also develop normally. The conclusion of these studies, so far, indicates that early life stress can be reversed. At least some adults who seek out (and are able to attain) a nurturing and low stress environment can reverse the effects of past trauma. This is good news and should inform therapeutic approaches. It may not be necessary to rely as much on pharmaceuticals. Lifestyle changes and a supportive therapeutic relationship can go a long way to reversing trauma and preventing trauma from being passed down to the next generation.

References

Alegría-Torres, J. A., Baccarelli, A., & Bollati, V. (2011). Epigenetics and lifestyle. Epigenomics, 3(3), 267-277.

Bell, J. T., & Spector, T. D. (2011). A twin approach to unraveling epigenetics. Trends in Genetics, 27(3), 116-125.

Callaway, E. (2013). Fearful memories haunt mouse descendants. Nature, 1, 1-6.

Roth, T. L., Lubin, F. D., Sodhi, M., & Kleinman, J. E. (2009). Epigenetic mechanisms in schizophrenia. Biochimica et Biophysica Acta (BBA)-General Subjects, 1790(9), 869-877.

Franklin, T. B., Russig, H., Weiss, I. C., Gräff, J., Linder, N., Michalon, A., … & Mansuy, I. M. (2010). Epigenetic transmission of the impact of early stress across generations. Biological psychiatry, 68(5), 408-415.

https://www.whatisepigenetics.com/a-fathers-stress-felt-for-generations/

We say “In calmness there should be activity; in activity there should be calmness.” Actually, they are the same thing; to say “calmness” or to say “activity” is just to express two different interpretations of one fact. – Shunryu Suzuki

In recent decades, meditation and mindfulness practices have made progress integrating with the mindset of Western culture, and the promise of benefits may give way to even more mainstream approaches. Finding peace and balance in the busy-ness of modern life seems a worthy commitment, and the findings on the positive impact of these practices on well-being is growing. Since 1990, scholarly articles on the “effects of meditation” have increased nearly six-fold, focusing a wide lens from depression and ADHD, to arousal level and aerobic exercise. Some form of mindfulness or meditation is a part of several therapeutic modalities including Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), and Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT).

While meditation and mindfulness overlap, this article focuses on meditation and its value to both our inner and outer lives. Just as emotional intelligence includes awareness of self and of others, the core component is understanding self. While one can be mindful walking, working, cooking, and exercising, the practice of mediation is internally focused requiring a commitment apart from other daily activities.

Meditation is practiced in different ways, but at the core they have commonalities. I offer this because many people give up on meditation due to misunderstandings of what meditation is. Just the mention of the word brings stereotypes and labels that miss the essence of its utility and purpose. The fundamentals of meditative practices include posture, awareness centered on a target (usually breathing), non-judgement, and non-attachment. In other words a meditative practice is: you sit, you center and “watch” your breath, you let go of what comes into awareness in a non-judgmental manner, and breathe. It sounds simple but it is not. Regarding practice, Shunryu Suzuki offers in Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind:

“If you try to calm your mind you will be unable to sit, and if you try not to be disturbed, your effort will not be the right effort. The only effort that will help you is to count your breathing, or to concentrate on your inhaling and exhaling. We say concentration, but to concentrate your mind on something is not the true purpose of Zen. The true purpose is to see things as they are, to observe things as they are, and to let everything go as it goes. This is to put everything under control in its widest sense.”

One of the biggest misconceptions, one that is often communicated in popular media, is to stop thinking, to silence the mind. The true purpose of meditative practice is the practice, “to see things as they are” (non-judgment) with no sense of gain (non-attachment). To see things as they are is to notice that the mind thinks—and to let it go as it goes. Over time thoughts are fewer and less frequent—but not because you attempted to stop them. As Suzuki says, “When you are practicing zazen, do not try to stop your thinking. Let it stop by itself. If something comes into your mind, let it come in, and let it go out. It will not stay long. When you try to stop your thinking, it means you are bothered by it. Do not be bothered by anything.”

While this is not meant to be a primer on meditation, it is important to understand the obstacles in order to reap the benefits. Oddly, to try for the benefits is a goal and that is not what meditation is about. The purpose is to practice. The benefits happen of their own, just as fitness and weight loss follow a shift from sedentary life for they are of different qualities.

This point is important because many start a meditative practice with specific goals in mind. This is not atypical in our goal-oriented culture, but if this is your focus, the practice itself will be difficult. Just as Suzuki says, “Even though it is impossible to get rid of our self-centered desires, we have to do it. Our true nature wants us to.” The desire to be rid of desire is a desire in and of itself. To know this is one thing, and to let go of it is the essence of practice. Because the meditative practice is a way of being, our mind and body will experience the benefits of the practice. The greatest of these is the beginning and expansion of true self-awareness.

Here are just a few more of the practical benefits of meditative practice:

The Power of Making Space. A meditative practice of “seeing things as they are” creates space between the sensations, thoughts, and feelings that our attention may typically be immersed in. This is the essence of the reflective process of development and moving that which we assume to be our identity, into an objective space. In meditation, this is a consequence of awareness rather than something you are trying to do. The only thing you do is “practice.” What you come to notice is that this process becomes a part of who you are and you are better able to notice thoughts and feelings as they arise. The latter is at the heart of developing emotional intelligence (EQ).

More Conscious Decision-Making. Because you become more self-aware, you are less apt to be at the mercy of habits of thinking. You are more likely, in the “space” mentioned above, to make decisions based on values and principles. The space between stimulus and response becomes more available in the moment.

Effects on Executive Functions. Findings on the effects of meditation points to the influence on the prefrontal cortex and its functions. Meditation promotes integration, connecting the “control tower” with other areas of the brain. We are better able to regulate attention, emotions, and impulses.

Reduction in Stress. Meditation lowers activation levels and enhances the braking capacity of the autonomic nervous system. Practice gives the mind and body respite from expectations, deadlines, and outcomes.

Relationships. Once we notice the activity that arises when we are focused in meditative practice, we can begin to see how our internal interference may influence the quality of our relationships. Over time, the essence of seeing things as they are and letting go enables us to be more present in our relationships without the intrusiveness of our personal narrative or immersion into our own thoughts.

Self-development. There is a saying that in gaining knowledge something is added, and in gaining wisdom something is lost. A meditation practice over time fosters both knowledge and wisdom—but, again, these come of their own and not as “part of a plan.” On some level, developmental theories align with this process and delineate stages that cannot be skipped. In the constant flux of life we reach the limits of our present capacity of our way of knowing, and either we evolve or we do not. In the transition to higher levels of development, what we were once subject to, embedded in, and therefore unaware of, becomes object and then we can be responsible for this new capacity of being. The self gains capabilities and a wider perspective. Similarly, meditation brings the self into awareness in the moment and we see things, including what we “think” is our identity, as they are. And in letting go unconditionally we come closer to our true nature.

While these are just a few of the benefits, remember that if the focus of practice is on gain, most likely, it will not work. For in this space of “desire” you are attempting to control aspects of life that are beyond your control. This is a trick of the egocentric self and the very thing we are attempting to let go. Simply commit to the practice. Start small with a few minutes a day and build from there. With consistency over time, you will find your practice to be an integral part of your day.

Resources

Suzuki, S. (1977). Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. Weatherhill.

eharmony’s mission has always been to help people find meaningful relationships that enrich their lives. We’ve been successfully doing this for 20 years, and naturally over that time, we’ve met with many companies across the industry. The reality has been that we haven’t found anyone who fundamentally shares our values, mission, and approach to helping people find long-lasting, meaningful relationships – until now.

PARSHIP ELITE Group is the leading provider of online matchmaking services in Europe. The group operates two brands, Parship, founded in 2001, which is the first and largest online matchmaking service in Germany and Europe, and Elite Partner, founded in 2004. The Parship principle is a scientifically-based method that follows the maxim: “as many similarities as possible, as many differences as necessary.” It allows singles to search for a serious relationship with the best possible chances of success.

I’m excited to share that eharmony and PARSHIP ELITE Group are joining forces. We believe now is the perfect time for our companies to come together. Let me tell you why.

1. We share the sames values. When we talk to singles today, we see a tremendous dissatisfaction with the swiping culture and the transactional connections that result. More than ever, people want something real and meaningful. As two of the most iconic dating companies in the world, it’s not about being part of this fad, it’s about being laser focused on what matters most: long-lasting, meaningful relationships.

2. Our approach to finding love is symbiotic. eharmony and PARSHIP ELITE Group have spent the better part of two decades perfecting our respective approaches to building happy, long-lasting relationships. eharmony, in using algorithms to create highly compatible relationships based on key dimensions of personality traits, and Parship, by using scientifically-based methods that follow the maxim: “As many similarities as possible, as many differences as necessary.” We think about love the same way.

3. Together we’ll be even better. PARSHIP ELITE Group has spent a great deal of time building an innovative backend infrastructure that will be very helpful in advancing eharmony’s technology platform. Likewise, they have deep expertise in areas ranging from media procurement to creative innovation. eharmony members can expect the same great service and focus on quality they have come to know and love. By joining forces, we’ll be sharing knowledge and combining resources in ways that will create both operational efficiencies and a better experience for our members with improvements to our speed, usability, and matching.

eharmony will continue to run the business as we always have in consultation with PARSHIP ELITE Group. We aren’t going anywhere. It’s a big world and we look forward to continuing to spread love and happiness to more people around the globe.

The post We’ve Found Our Perfect Match: eharmony + PARSHIP ELITE Group appeared first on eharmony Advice.

Divorce is one of the most stressful events anyone can ever experience. The pain of going through it can be overwhelming. The task of getting control of emotions becomes a daily challenge. You and your-soon-to-be-ex find yourselves criticizing each other in front of the kids, sending nasty texts back and forth, and bad mouthing each other with the kids around. It feels like being civil is almost impossible.

But what is all this is doing to the kids?

Unfortunately, many kids will experience divorce as traumatic in part due to the parents’ fighting, blaming each other, while the kids are in the middle. This can go on for months, maybe even years. When children see their parents portraying each other as monsters, they experience the kind of emotional trauma that lasts a lifetime.

So how can you keep from making the situation worse for them? Though nothing will completely ease the pain of the divorce, there are a few ways that divorcing parents can help their kids heal.

This blog shows you how to navigate divorce without hurting your kids. 

Divorce from the Kids’ Perspective

Divorce is a major life-changing event. No matter how hard you try to ease the pain, splitting up will have a major impact on your family. A period of depression, grief and feeling disoriented becomes the new normal. The kids will naturally have their own sadness that needs to be acknowledged.

Being emotionally available for the kids can be challenging when you’re trying to keep your head above water in a divorce. It’s important to remember what your kids will be facing too: their entire lives will change, including their living situation. They may have to switch schools and make new friends. It can feel like their entire lives are completely changing.

What you can do: Make time to listen and validate their feelings. Avoid giving direct advice or trying to get them to look at the bright side. By honoring their pain, you are teaching them how to cope in a healthy way.

What Every Parent Fears

Every parent worries about what divorce will do to their kids. This fear may have kept parents in the relationship longer than they wanted to be.

How your kids handle the divorce will affect their emotional health. Your actions or lack of actions can make a huge impact on your kids. Research shows that the most important factor in preserving your child’s emotional well-being is whether you and your ex can be civil towards each other.

Feeling angry and hurt is an important part of the healing process but expressing these feelings in front of the kids these needs to be minimized. This keeps them from being caught in the middle.

What you can do: Find healthy outlets to express frustration like vigorous exercise and journal writing. Keep the journal in a private place so the kids can’t access it. Encourage your kids to keep one for their private thoughts too.

Why It Starts with You

Being civil can start today. You might be saying to yourself, “That’s not possible. You don’t know my ex!” But unless there is physical or mental abuse, it is possible. You need to make being light and polite a priority for your sanity and helping your kids cope.

But, how can you be civil to someone you are anxious to get away from? Being polite does require patience, but it’s going to be worth it. You’ll be less stressed in the long run, and your kids will feel more secure. Fueling the anger creates a negative, stressful energy and hopelessness that doesn’t promote healing.

What you can do: Practice bringing your attention back to the present moment. Keep focused on what you can control and let go of what you can’t.

How to Make the Shift

Shifting the dynamics in a broken relationship requires one person to give up the fight. You’re the lucky winner since you are here reading this article. How you behave can start a fresh chapter in the divorce. After all: it takes two people to fight a war. So stop fighting.

Also, realize that stopping the blame game will take effort and patience. Make sure you have enough emotional support in the coming months ahead. Self-care needs to be a priority and staying in close contact with friends and family will make the process more bearable.

Healing is a delicate balance of normalizing the pain while avoiding a character assassination of the other parent. Keeping your integrity means rising above your desire for revenge. Your kids will be grateful and learn that it’s not a healthy option.

What you can do: If you need more support, consider Divorececare.org or find a local support group that supports divorce recovery. Many have groups for kids too.

Ending the War Between You and Your Ex

So how do you begin to shift the tension? First, bring back your manners and aim for being light and polite. Often manners disappear when a relationship starts to fail. Do you still say “please,” “thank you” and “you’re welcome”?

My own personal experience taught me this during the first year of my divorce. I picked up my iPhone, knowing it was my ex, and answered with a “What?” I was mortified. It wasn’t okay to be rude just because the marriage failed.

Next, be mindful of negative self-talk. These are your own private thoughts. Obsessing over how your ex hurt you keeps you living in the problem. The longer your thoughts stay negative, the more likely you will destroy any chance of a peaceful connection. Instead focus your energy on discovering how you contributed to the relationship so you can grow and learn your own valuable lessons.

What you can do: If you’re having a particularly difficult time, try writing down your thoughts about your ex for five minutes. Then go back and tell the same story from your ex’s point of view. This can shift your perspective while building empathy. The primary goal is coming to peace with the past so you can forge a new beginning.

Turning the Pain into Valuable Lessons

Remember: it’s the relationship between the parents after the divorce that predicts a child’s ability to adjust afterwards. The loss of the family unit is hard enough, but parents who can’t be in the same room without insults is heartbreaking.

There is no easy way to divorce. The first year especially can be agonizing. But what your kids experience during this time will shape their expectations of future relationships. This can be a valuable life lesson for them to learn: how to let go of a partnership.

You will need to go through the grieving process intensely especially that first year. Set the example by showing them how to let go with dignity and respect. This creates a template for all of their future relationships. They can learn that it’s okay to grieve, without hurting another person. 

What you can do: Be gentle with yourself. Finding the gifts in the lessons can build hope. Use these tips to help you heal as a family.

My Story

This is a biased post, I’ll admit, and one close to my heart. I am divorced, and happily remarried with one child and I know firsthand the importance of creating a positive connection with my ex-spouse. I allowed myself time to make mistakes and heal, but I wanted to give my son the second best option: an amicable connection for us all.

Now we are all a happy, if broken, family unit. Once I was able to grieve the marriage, we could preserve the friendship. Of course, every situation is different. But unless there are issues of abuse, you can take steps to move forward in a positive manner.

Final Thoughts

The importance of developing a non-confrontational relationship is the key to healing as a family afterwards. Honoring your kids’ process of grief takes a willingness to put your own pain aside, so you can be there for them. You can’t do that unless you have enough consistent emotional support yourself from family and friends. Everyone needs extra support and gentleness right now.

You can be pleasant. You can be kind and show empathy (even if your ex doesn’t). You can model how your kids see this aspect of relationships, loss and life’s disappointments. Find some empathy for the person you fell in love with years ago. Teaching that empathy to your kids may be the most important life lesson you ever teach them.

For many in the world, depersonalization isn’t really a familiar word. Sometimes, it is used to refer to the act of removing human characteristics or individuality from someone or something. Almost no one you meet on the street would be able to tell you what depersonalization means in the psychiatric sense of the word.

Depersonalization (DP) is a dissociative disorder whereby a person experiences a distortion in how they experience their self. A person going through DP may feel disconnected from themselves and often report that they feel like watching a movie of oneself. It’s a bewildering experience that can leave a person utterly confused and scared. Very little is known about this disorder in psychiatry, and all research is still nascent.

Nonetheless, I’m going to present the case that depersonalization is fairly well-documented in films, music, literature, and in the lives of many celebrities, either directly by its clinical name or, more commonly, as a collection of anomalous experiences of a detached self or an unreality that can only be articulated through art.

It’s understood that almost everyone goes through a depersonalization episode a few times in their lifetime; such episodes last from a few minutes to hours. But an estimated 2% of the world’s population more or less experiences it chronically.

One of the earliest known references to depersonalization comes from the writings of Henri-Frédéric Amiel. He wrote:

“I find myself regarding existence as though from beyond the tomb, from another world; all is strange to me; I am, as it were, outside my own body and individuality; I am depersonalized, detached, cut adrift. Is this madness?… No.”

Amiel was a Swiss philosopher and poet who was an introverted professor of aesthetics at the Academy of Geneva. Though neither he nor his teachings gained a huge following, he still remains the first person to introduce the term.

In the present day, there is no one who tackles the world of liminality better than the Japanese author Haruki Murakami. In a short story titled “Sleep” that he authored for The New Yorker, he writes:

“… my very existence, my life in the world, seemed like a hallucination. A strong wind would make me think my body was about to be blown to the end of the earth, to some land I had never seen or heard of, where my mind and body would separate forever. ‘Hold tight,’ I would tell myself, but there was nothing for me to hold on to.”

Reading these words now takes me back to the time when I’d lie awake on my bed at night, feeling fully detached from myself and the world around me. I would feel as if my body was being lifted and blown away. When I closed my eyes, I had this feeling of being airborne. I’d often open my eyes just to check if I still remained firmly on top of my mattress.

Having been a huge music and film nerd, I often find references to DP in many contemporary songs and movies. For example, in Linkin Park’s “Numb,” the late Chester Bennington penned, “I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there, become so tired, so much more aware.”

Many of us who suffer from DP can attest to the fact that the illness can sometimes rob you of your feelings, leaving you feeling numb and flat-lined. Going through DP also makes you feel like you are experiencing everything around you from a very different perspective; it almost feels like you are more aware of reality itself. This symptom is termed as derealization (DR) and almost always goes hand in hand with DP.

In “Crawling,” another of Linkin Park’s hit songs, Chester sings about “confusing what is real” and unable to find his sense of self (“I can’t seem to find myself again”). Losing a grip on the familiar reality and your familiar self is a hallmark symptom of DP/DR.

I remember when the famous 90’s band Hanson — yes, the same band that gave us “MMMbop” — released their single “Weird” in 1997. It was one of my favorite childhood songs, but in those days, I never paid much attention to its lyrics. Only years later, when I was in the throes of DP/DR, did the words “You’re on the verge of going crazy and your heart’s in pain; No one can hear, but you’re screaming so loud; You feel like you’re all alone in a faceless crowd; Isn’t it strange how we all feel a little bit weird sometimes?” made perfect sense to me.

It seemed as if someone had made a song about my own hellish internal experience. I mean, isn’t it true that we all feel a little bit weird sometimes, but can’t understand what is happening to us? Such feelings of depersonalization and derealization may be more common in people than we think.

The 90’s indie darling Neutral Milk Hotel’s most famous song, “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea,” contains the words, “Can’t believe how strange it is to be anything at all.” To me, this essentially captures how it feels to be depersonalized. With depersonalization, you lose the familiarity of yourself and the world around you, and you are left wondering how strange it is for anything to exist at all! Many of my fellow DP sufferers have exhibited astonishment at the mere fact of one’s existence. Reality at once possesses the quality of the familiar and the strange. Everything becomes uncanny when you are depersonalized.

Bo Burnham, one of my favorite standup comedians and the brain and heart behind the recent comedy-drama film Eighth Grade, has been very open about his struggle with anxiety. In a recent podcast interview with the H3 Podcast, he said how during his panic attacks, he experiences “tunnel vision, numbness, and total out of body experience…” I’d venture to say that the out of body experience resembles depersonalization closely. DP is a disassociative phenomenon that often accompanies anxiety and panic attacks as a protective mechanism so that one doesn’t become overwhelmed with the fear. Ethan Klein, the host of the H3 Podcast, revealed in an earlier interview that he has struggled with depersonalization. Rapper Vinnie Paz, one half of Jedi Mind Tricks, disclosed details about his depersonalization experience recently on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast.

Adam Duritz of Counting Crows fame, in a conversation with Huffington Post, said: “I was losing my freaking mind… it was no fun” when asked about his depersonalization. In an interview with Men’s Health magazine, he remarked: “It was like I was dreaming that things were happening around me and then I was reacting to them.” These are telltale signs of DP. When you talk to someone, you feel like the words are automatically coming out of your mouth. You feel like you are on some sort of auto-pilot and can watch yourself react to different provocations from the environment while remaining detached on the inside.

No article on the prevalence of depersonalization in popular culture is complete without a reference to the film Numb, directed by Harris Goldberg — the only film to my knowledge that explicitly deals with the topic of depersonalization. In it, protagonist Hudson Milbank, played by Matthew Perry, becomes affected by DP after a night of heavy marijuana use. (Traumatic reactions to marijuana use have become one of the leading causes for the onset of depersonalization in teens and young adults.) We then follow Hudson as he becomes frustrated with his disconnection from self and reality, and we find out how he ultimately gains his grounding — by falling in love. (Oh, how so Hollywood!)

To be honest, I do not think the film portrays the struggles of DP accurately. I felt that the character of Hudson was more of a self-centered jerk than an utterly scared and extremely confused depersonalized person. His actions irked me more than they evoked sympathy. But nonetheless, everyone in the DP community appreciates the film for creating an awareness of this confusing condition.

I wouldn’t be surprised if we see a film in the future that tackles this condition in a more authentic way. I’d pay good money to see that film.

With the power of the Internet, more and more people are becoming aware of the existence of feelings of unreality and disconnection from the self. For many, just to know that the weird symptoms and feelings they have been grappling with have clinical names (depersonalization and derealization, respectively) and that there are other people in the world who experience such truly bizarre symptoms is strangely comforting.

Reality still largely remains a puzzle. The nature of the self is still a conundrum. We don’t have all the knowledge about our external world nor have we cracked the enigma of consciousness and the self. It’s a good thing that evolution has conditioned our ego to ignore these aspects and just focus on the job at hand. I mean, would any work get done if we were all struck by constant amazement and terror about ourselves and the world around us? I don’t think so. Sometimes though, these walls of the ego seem to crack, either through stress, a drug-induced break, or spontaneously for no apparent reason. The illusion of a solid reality and a strong sense of identity gives way to a fluid nature of existence and self. When that happens, it can be a downright scary disturbing experience. But, we are not alone in this. Such a state of mind is more common than one thinks. We have got so many songs, films, books, and other people’s experiences in which to find solace.

Many of us in the helping professions have had situations such as mine, where they might have had a history of illness, such as cancer. Others might have had challenges to their psychological, emotional, or physical sense of well-being. We may be called wounded healers because in helping others, we unconsciously are healing an inner wound of our own. In shamanic cultures the most gifted healers are called “wounded healers” because these people have been called to look deeply into the psyche. They use the pains and wounds of life in an alchemy of healing that is very empowering and has deep purpose. Many writers have used storytelling to help them navigate illness. Some of these include, Audre Lorde, Norman Cousins, Nicole Broyard, Kay Redfield Jamison, and Terry Tempest Williams, to name a few.

Arthur Frank (1995) in his book, The Wounded Storyteller, identifies three types of narratives written by wounded storytellers or those who write about difficult times—the restitution narrative, the chaos narrative, and the quest narrative.

The Restitution Narrative

This type of narrative shares the story of difficult times, but through it runs the idea that, for example, “Yesterday I was healthy, today I am sick, tomorrow I will be healthy again.” This narrative harbors positive thinking and bright undertones and is usually written by those who are dealing with acute, rather than chronic, illness. The focus tends to be on their improved health. The writer of this type of narrative minimizes his or her illness, assuming they will be “back to normal soon.”

The Chaos Narrative

This narrative is the opposite of the restitution narrative in that the writer assumes a position of illness or a problem with no hope or indication for improvement. They write as if they’re doomed. They tend to illicit anxiety in themselves and in the reader.

There seems to be less room for reflection in this type of narrative; everything about the writer’s situation seems urgent and stressful. The perspective is a negative one, and the reader feels as if the writer is in freefall with no hope of returning.

The Quest Narrative

Those who write this type of narrative accept their illness or challenging situation as part of growth and transformation. They meet their problem head on and use their difficulty as a way to forge ahead.

When discussing this type of narrative, I am reminded of my daughter Regine’s comment when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of forty-seven, and she was sixteen. When my oncologist phoned, I was seated in my home office. Regine happened to be walking past when she saw me hang up the phone with a distressed expression on my face. She knew I’d been waiting for the doctor’s report from my breast biopsy and intuited that I had just received bad news.

She slowly walked toward the sofa where I was seated. She sat down beside me, put her arm around me, put her head on my shoulder and said, “Mom, I think there’s a book in this.” I glanced at her and smiled at her ability to see the good in this potentially devastating news. By writing my breast cancer story, I would be transformed and empowered in the process.

Her comment surprised and delighted me. It was at that point that I realized she truly knew and understood the role of writing in my life and how writing is a way of healing.

Sometimes, writing over and over about a difficult time or a wound buried deep inside can allow us to put that wound in a container and detach from it. It can allow us to stand back and reflect on the wound’s effect on our life, and can provide a perspective that contributes to overall well-being.

Regardless of the type of narrative the person chooses to write, it is natural to incorporate self-reflection into the story. When using reflection, the writer writes what’s happening in both their exterior and interior world. This will help them understand themselves better, which is a key to transformation.

Self-reflection encourages an examination of thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and beliefs. It might inspire setting intentions. When other people read reflective writing, they might be inspired to engage in their own writing.

James Pennebaker, a social psychologist and pioneer in studying the healing power of writing, believes that although writing can be healing, there comes a point when you might need simply to stop because the writing could be opening up old wounds that have the potential of becoming tender. Sometimes reopening old wounds can backfire. In the end, it’s all about finding a balance in your life as a way to achieve a sense of well-being.

Sharing Stories to Heal

Sharing the stories of difficult times can also guide others in navigating their own journeys, and serve as a road map for those who might feel lost during the process. Sometimes people might be too close to their lived experience to be able to figure out how to handle it.

Most people have encountered some sort of life challenges and observe that telling their stories are a way to heal and survive. Writing our stories activates the narrating part of our minds and thus increasing our sense of well-being.

Viktor Frankl openly shared his Holocaust story in his book Man’s Search for Meaning (1959). When Frankl was asked why he wrote the book, he said that he wanted “to convey to the reader by way of concrete example that life holds a potential meaning under any conditions, even the most miserable ones.” He added that sharing his story would be helpful even for those who were in despair.

Inner-Child Healing

In his book Reconciliation (2010), Thich Nhat Hanh says that inside each of us there is a young, suffering child, and that to protect ourselves from future suffering we try to forget the pain. He says that the cry we hear deep in our hearts comes from the wounded child within. Healing our inner child can help heal any negative emotions we might have. It is important to know that wounds exist in every cell of our bodies, in the same way that they house the DNA of our ancestors.

Whether writing narrative or expressing yourself verbally, embracing and acknowledging the wounded child is the first step in the healing process. When we put light in a dark room, we can see more clearly. Walking around in the dark brings with it more problems. You can talk to your inner child and say that you hear him or her and haven’t forgotten that part of yourself.

Some therapists suggested having a conversation with the inner child. It’s about closing our eyes and returning to a time when you felt pain, and being asked to have a dialogue with that child in that place and time using adult sensibilities. You might be advised to tell the child that everything will be okay, and reinforcing that you are loved and adored, and that sometimes wounding is done to an inner child, that it’s beyond our control but there’s a way to move beyond it towards a place of well-being and healing. This can teach us a lot about self-acceptance.

On a personal level, I learned through journaling, reflective writing, and meditation to have more self-compassion for my wounded inner child, and that the wounds of our ancestors are carried in our DNA and being mindful of that is critical. Practicing mindful meditation and paying attention to the breath during different times in the day help us to recognize, heal, and transform inner-child pain. We must remind ourselves that wherever there is pain, there are also seeds for transformation, understanding, awakening, and healing.

In summary, those who have had a history of illness are more than victims of their illnesses, they are wounded storytellers. In addition to telling stories to help others, they are a witness to suffering and tell stories as a way to come to understand and come to terms with their illness.

References

Frank, A. W. (1995). The wounded storyteller: Body, illness, and ethics. Chicago, IL: The University of Chicago Press.

Frankl, V. E. (1984). Man’s search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

Hanh, T. N. (2010). Reconciliation: Healing the inner child. Berkeley, CA: Parallax Press.

Lesser, E. (1999). The seeker’s guide: Making your life a spiritual adventure. New York, NY: Villard Books.

Pennebaker, J. W. (1990). Opening up: The healing power of expressing emotions.
New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Siegel, B. S. (1989). Peace, love and healing. New York, NY: Harper.

“Everyone is ahead of me; I’m always trying to catch up, but I never do. I’m always the littlest and the last to understand. I picture their brains with long legs racing down the block, but my brain has little-kid legs, too short to keep up,” writes Amanda Stern.

In her vivid memoir, Little Panic: Dispatches from an Anxious Life, Stern offers a poignant account of a life full of anxiety and yet teeming with strength, raw honesty, and the enduring desire to feel safe.

Early on, Amanda recognizes that she, unlike other children, does not feel safe. She writes, “One day, I’ll have to live on the street side of life. On the garden side we look after one another, making sure all the children are here, that no one is missing or lost. We have each other’s backs….If only this were the entire world. If only the garden could hold us all.”

And yet what Stern soon realizes is that the world is constantly changing and no amount of assurance can change that. She writes, “Rules always change on me when they aren’t supposed to because I’m right about the world — the things people say won’t happen do happen. Nothing stays the same. It feels like every time I try to get past my worries, my tries get erased.”

Relationships for Stern are also fraught as she begins to realize that her anxiety has distorted her perception. “I want something I can’t ever remember having — a family I can trust to stay. I am trying to return to a place I can’t recall and I’m being driven by memories I don’t have — by unconscious urges so ancient they crumble at my touch,” writes Stern.

Yet when she meets Peter, a literary agent who frequents her Happy Ending Music and Reading Series and spends the time courting her, she questions her perceptions. She writes, “I felt slightly possessed by my love, and I was so glad I didn’t listen to my fucking gut. Stupid idiot. This guy is everything. I’d never had anyone be that attentive to me. Is this what real love feels like, off-kilter and semi-insane, or is this something beyond that?”

When Peter is hesitant to commit and reveals that “in the beginning people say things they don’t mean,” Stern’s world comes crashing down.

“I wanted to die, but I was too tired. Suddenly I couldn’t stop sleeping. It’s all I did. And it was glorious. When I wasn’t awake, nothing was wrong and all my answers were correct,” writes Stern.

In the months that follow, the urge for family grows, and Stern decides to adopt a dog. However, when her new dog, Pilot, proves to be too panicked herself, Stern comes to a harsh conclusion: “While liberating her was my attempt to rescue myself and give us both a family, I am not enough for her. I am not cut out to have a baby.”

Searching for possible partners online, Stern finds herself checking the “has kids” box and meets Javier. Immediately Javier is drawn to Stern while she struggles to makes sense of her often conflicting feelings. When she meets his daughter Frankie, she realizes that she, like herself as a young child, is misunderstood.

She writes, “When I was little there was a version of me that felt out of alignment with who I really was. The adults’ version had me learning disabled, and the other version – mine – had me devoured by mental anguish.”

As Stern’s relationship with Frankie grows, with Javier it becomes challenged by his uncertainty. He invites her to stay with him in Maine for a month, and Stern hopes that they will begin their own family, when Javier informs her that he doesn’t actually want a baby and that he “doesn’t know if he can take all this negativity.”

Later at a dance class with friends, Stern comes to a powerful revelation: “To Javier, I am not a priority. I’m cut out of his decisions because I’m not part of his family. I’m sideswiped by an epiphany….Javier, I’m nauseated to realize, already has a family. To make one with me would be redundant.”

As the realization sets in that she must breakup with Javier, Stern’s anticipation of dread is replaced with another profound discovery: “I realize that I have a choice now. I’m the one who makes the feelings; the emotions don’t already exist in the world, waiting to trap me. Usually, I let the emotion happen to me, following it until I lose control and need someone else to care for me; but what if I just decide to care for myself, that I know how?”

Stern adopts another dog, and this time, she realizes she is perfectly equipped to give her dog, and by extension herself, what she needs. She writes, “Being able to do for Busy what I needed someone to do for me fills me with a certainty and groundedness… Now I know what it looks like to grow free from panic. I know how to do this, I think.”

Touching, unfiltered, and with endearing prose, Little Panic is a moving journey through anxiety to strength, resilience, and a profound sense of what it means to have connection.

Little Panic: Dispatches From An Anxious Life
Grand Central Publishing, 2018
Hardcover, 385 Pages

Select 5 frames to test out for 5 days and we’ll ship them to you—for free!

Need help?

Answer a few quick questions and we’ll suggest some great-looking glasses to fill your Home Try-On.  Start Now!

eharmony’s Picks & Perks covers products we think you’ll love. Featured products are independently selected and linked to for your convenience. If you buy something using a link on this page, eharmony may receive a small share of that sale.

The post Warby Parker Free Home Try-On’s appeared first on eharmony Advice.

It has been said that without dark, there is no light, and without sadness, no one can know true happiness. Paradoxical thinking holds that all things can be understood through the existence of their opposites, but the truth is, nothing is ever just black or white.

In his new book, Zig Zag: Reversal and Paradox in Human Personality, Michael J. Apter applies to human personality to show that personality, unlike what we have learned, also exists in a paradox, and quite often moves from one trait to its opposite — even in contradictory ways.

“Human personality is essentially dynamic and changing, and the trait concept, which is at the basis of nearly all personality research tends to be simplistic and limiting,” writes Apter.

People are changing all the time, and often in ways that seem complex and contradictory. Apter points to Elliot Spitzer, once known as a tireless fighter of corruption and crusader against prostitution and sex rings, only to be exposed as a client of one such ring himself.

He writes, “Spitzer’s case is arresting, because we are confronted by someone whose personality is, as it were, split down the middle. It has two opposing halves: the good guy and the bad guy, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. How can they coexist?”

Spitzer’s behavior is an example of two opposing principles — one of duty and the other of freedom.

It is not that either principle is bad, Apter tells us, but rather trouble comes from trying to satisfy them both simultaneously.

Other contradictory motivational states — such as self-orientation and others orientation, mastery and sympathy, and serious and playful motivation — all point to the idea that our personalities are not fixed, but rather much more fluid.

Moreover, these motivational states are not tied to specific situations but can move throughout different areas of our lives, and we cannot assume that one end is desirable while the other is undesirable.

Apter writes, “In different people and different circumstances, calling on different skills, and subject to different strengths and weaknesses, each state can be played out in a way that is positive or negative, fertile or futile, appropriate or inappropriate.”

The movement from state to state is what defines us and makes us fully human. Further, internal rhythms do not always correspond with situational expectations.

Risk taking is just one example. Here, the desire to confront danger seems to be in complete opposition to the need for safety. For instance, people who jump out of a plane face the possibility of death, but it also induces high levels of arousal. Apter explains, “If the anxiety can be tolerated, then they are able to achieve wonderful feelings of ‘being fully alive’ and intensely ‘in the moment.’”

Stress such as this can be pleasurable when experienced in a protective frame of mind, and a lack of stress can even lead to feelings of restlessness, boredom, and the need for stimulation.

Taking something that produces a bad emotion, such as the fear of death, and reversing it into a playful state explains many facets of everyday life, such as Halloween, horror movies, and our attraction to “Breaking News”.

Rewards, something inherently good, can also be reversed into something that changes the meaning of our experiences. Apter writes, “At one time a woman may want to benefit personally from what she is doing, and at another time be more concerned that an ailing relative should benefit: what would count as a reward in the first case would not count as a reward in the second.”

Similarly, following the rules satisfies us if we are in the conform state but becomes uncomfortable when we are in the rebellious state.

But there are also times when something usually considered to be bad (destruction) is what is needed to result in something good (construction).

“Innovation stems from a rebellious state of mind, the state of mind in which one wants, roughly speaking, to be ‘bad,’” writes Apter.

In an economic sense, the utility of our choices change over time. While it may serve our serious states to save money, it may threaten our playful states and we will find ourselves justifying frivolous purchases.

Apter writes, “Looking at things in terms of psychological rewards and punishments, we see that generally people do try to obtain whatever rewards they can. It’s just that what they find rewarding will differ depending on which motivational states they happen to obtain at the moment. Far from being chaotic, there is an overarching structure of alternative desires, and with them alternative realities and rationalities.”

While in our emotional lives we never know quite what will happen next, and the actions we take to bring happiness can result in anxiety, diminishing returns, and mistaken goals, we are better served by embracing our contradictory motivational states and the idea that each makes a positive contribution to our lives.

A unique approach to understanding personality, ZigZag draws on numerous contemporary and historical examples, along with revealing research, to provide insightful answers to many questions about human behavior. It will likely have you rethinking your own motivations.

ZigZag: Reversal and Paradox in Human Personality
Troubador Publishing, April 2018
Paperback, 386 pages

In the opening pages of her memoir, No One Tells You This, Glynnis MacNicol is single, has no kids, and is about to turn forty. She describes herself as “someone who was now spending the last hours before her birthday seized by the belief that she was being marched to her demise.”

By the closing pages, she was still single with no kids, but “quite thrilled with who I’d turned myself into, and quite up for the task of navigating whatever came next, whatever it was.” The pages in between are the beautifully written story of her transformation.

The year or so following her fortieth birthday belied every stereotype of the single person as selfish or self-centered. MacNicol was there for her mother as the cruel progression of Parkinson’s turned her into someone nearly unrecognizable, even moving from New York City back to Toronto toward the end of her mother’s life. She was there for her father after her mother’s death. She was there for her single sister, when she had her third child; she flew to her home and stayed for a while to help care for the newborn and the other two children. She was there for her friend Rachel when she had a baby. She drove across country with another friend who was moving to the West Coast.

No One Tells You This is an insightful exploration of the complexities of single life. One of them is that no matter how devoted you are to helping the people you care about, other people will still suggest that you are just a spoiled single person. As I put it in Singled Out, in one of the chapter titles mocking the myths about single people, “Like a child, you are self-centered and immature and your time isn’t worth anything since you have nothing to do but play.”

In between all those times when she was being “the good friend, the good sister, the good daughter,” she was, much of the time, living her single life fully. She had memorable experiences in her travels to places such as Iceland, France, and, in the U.S., Wyoming. So taken was she by the spectacular beauty and stillness of Wyoming that soon after she made her way back to New York, she put everything aside to spend another month there, a woman alone in a place where that was unusual.

MacNicol exemplifies a version of single life that should be most justifiable and impervious to attack. She ticks off all the boxes for what the scolds insist that single people should be doing with their lives: She helps other people. She has lots of friends. She does great work. She uses the opportunities her single life affords her to expand her horizons, for example, by traveling.

Yet such is the power of the dismissive, singlist views of single people that even some single people wonder whether the degrading stereotypes are true. MacNicol did.

A risk for single readers is that some will think that they, too, need to tick off all the same boxes in order to lay claim to the legitimacy of their own single lives. But they shouldn’t have to. Married people aren’t pressured to justify their lives. It doesn’t matter if they are there for the other people in their lives (on the average, compared to single people, they aren’t), whether they are living their lives fully, or whether they are a good spouse. They are married and that’s enough.

MacNicol does not look down on people who make different choices than she has. In some ways, she celebrates them, as in her lengthy discussions of life with children. Maybe she is so respectful of others because she did not have all her privileges handed to her. For example, she worked at jobs such as waitressing and did not get money from her parents.

No One Tells You This is a memoir, not a work of social science, so the author had no obligation to position her work in the context of works of nonfiction that preceded hers. If she had, she may have noted that the theme that there is no blueprint for single life — that no one tells single people how their life is going to unfold — has been mined for decades.

In 1994, sociologist Tuula Gordon gave us, Single Women: On the Margins? The same year, clinicians Natalie Schwartzberg, Kathy Berliner, and Demaris Jacob pointed out that academics had no framework for conceptualizing the course of single life, so they offered Single in a Married World: A Life Cycle Framework for Working with the Unmarried Adult. Four years later, journalist Marcelle Clements wrote The Improvised Woman. Also in 1998, professors Xavier Amador and Judith Kiersky highlighted the marginalized place of single people with their title, Being Single in a Couples’ World.

What else is it that “no one tells you,” other than good luck finding a blueprint for your single life? That living single with no kids is a life you can choose and delight in, despite the challenges? It is not quite true that no one ever tells you that. I, for one, have been saying that for decades. So has sociologist E. Kay Trimberger, who in her 2005 book, The New Single Woman, offered a blueprint of sorts with her six pillars for a satisfying single life.

Although I appreciated every page of No One Tells You This, I also found it deeply dispiriting. Glynnis MacNicol is a brilliant, insightful, sophisticated person, living in New York City among the cutting-edge thinkers in the 21^st century, and yet she is forty years old before she questions whether she really does want marriage and children. She is forty years old before it dawns on her that a single life could be a good life.

At a time when more people are staying single for longer than ever before — including, sometimes, for life — the idea that single life can be a meaningful and fulfilling choice should no longer qualify as a revelation.

No One Tells You This: A Memoir
Simon & Schuster, July 2018
Hardcover, 304 pages

Getting hit by a love bomb feels glorious! The lavish attention and affection seems to answer our prayers. We’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right — our soul mate; unsuspecting that we’ve been targeted by a narcissist. The bomber abruptly changes colors and loses interest, and our dream comes crashing down. The rejection is excruciating, especially at the height of romance. It’s a traumatic shock to our heart. We feel duped, betrayed, and abandoned. We’re confused and try to make sense of the nightmare that was once a dream. What we thought was real was in fact a mirage. We search for answers, doubt and blame ourselves, often losing trust in ourselves and the opposite sex.

Sometimes, partners are ghosted by their disappearing suitor, are dumped by text, email, or a phone call. If they’re rejected in person, they’re bewildered by the coldness of the narcissist, who just recently expressed love and promised an amazing future together. They may discover that they’ve been disposed of for a new prospect, cheated on, or two-timed all along. It’s devastating and can be hard to let go, because all of their memories are happy and wonderful. It takes time to accept the truth of who the bomber really was. Denial protects victims from the painful truth that relationship was not what they imagined.

Love Bombing and Narcissistic Supply

Research shows that love bombers have low self-esteem and are often narcissists; although not all narcissists are love bombers, and some non-narcissists are. Despite a façade of confidence and independence, narcissists feel insecure and empty. They require constant reassurance or “narcissistic supply” from those around them, but, like vampires, it’s never enough to fill their emptiness or satisfy their hunger.

Rather than confidence, they actually fear that they’re undesirable. Their sense of self is determined by what others think of them; they try to control what others think to feel better about themselves. Thus, love bombing is thus a means to seek attention, to boost their ego, and fulfill self-enhancement needs for sex, power, and control. When they’re depressed, have suffered a loss, or are disenchanted with their last conquest, they look for new narcissistic supplies.

Many narcissists employ seduction, engage in game-playing, and use relationships for self-enhancement. Dating is intense and moves quickly. The attention can be dizzyingly exciting to the recipient. There’s frequently excessive communication, reflecting the love bombers’ neediness for affirmation, usually by text or social media, where they can exercise more control at a distance.

Idealization and Devaluation

For a narcissist, it’s not enough to be liked or appreciated. It only counts when the other person has status or highly valued qualities, such as wealth, beauty, special talents, power, celebrity, or genius. Narcissists idealize prospective partners to augment their own lack of self-esteem. The thinking is, “If I can win over the admiration of this very attractive person, then I must be worthy.”

As reality creeps into the relationship, they discover that their partner is inadequate or fear that their flawed, empty self will be revealed as expectations for emotional intimacy increase. Any slight or imagined chink in their ideal image of their partner feels painful. As narcissists’ vision of their perfect partner deteriorates, their hidden shame increasingly causes discomfort. They in turn project this onto their partner, whom they criticize and devalue. This is particularly true of perfectionistic narcissists. When their partner’s luster fades, he or she no longer provides a satisfactory object to boost their self-esteem. They discard their partner and look elsewhere for a new source of narcissistic supply. When relationships with narcissists endure, the partner feels drained, hurt, resentful, and lonely. Disrespect and lack of caring damage his or her self-esteem over time. (Related reading: Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People)

Attachment Styles

Narcissists have insecure attachment styles that are either avoidant or anxious, or some combination. People with insecure attachment styles feel a basic insecurity stemming from relationships with early caregivers. They doubt the reliability of others to satisfy their emotional needs, and base their self-esteem on the behavior and responses of others. (Related reading: “When a Narcissist Is Also Codependent.”) One study showed that people with an insecure attachment style were more likely to engage in love-bombing.

Codependent partners

Most codependents s also have low self-esteem and insecure attachment styles and seek relationships to validate their worthiness. Their unconscious belief is, “If I’m loved, then I must be lovable.”

Although some codependents may behave in ways that appear needy and insecure, narcissists hide their neediness and act self-assured, in control, proud, and even cocky — like a male peacock flaunting his feathers. To insecure codependents, this display is very attractive. They’re impressed and attracted to the traits they wish they had. They, too, idealize narcissists, who soak up their admiration. Narcissists are skillful and charming communicators, adept at making people admire and like them. Both narcissists and codependents are able to adapt to the likes and needs of one another, but for the narcissist, it’s a tactic of seduction; for the accommodating codependent, it’s a way of relating and their personality style. (Conquering Shame compares personality styles of narcissists and codependents.)

When codependents experience love-bombing, their low self-esteem is also raised. They finally feel seen and appreciated, unlike in their childhood. They imagine a future free of their inner emptiness and loneliness with this ideal mate who will always love them. In the initial phase of mutual admiration, they overlook or don’t see differences or potential problems.

Solutions

The good news is that we can change our attachment style. (Related reading: “How to Change Your Attachment Style.”) Meanwhile, it’s important to go slow when dating. Rushing intimacy doesn’t rush love, only our attachment. It’s an attempt to gratify personal, psychological needs. It takes time to know someone. That is how trust and love grow in a healthy relationship. Mature daters won’t use undue seduction, charm, or make premature promises and expressions of love. They take time dating in order to assess whether someone will be a good long-term partner, and they won’t want to disappoint or hurt him or her.

Stay connected to your body and your feelings. In the intensity of a new romance, question whether your “excitement” isn’t really anxiety about rejection and uncertain hope about a rosy future. Do you feel free to be open and honest and set boundaries or are you walking on eggshells? Are you complying to please your partner? In other words, can you be authentic, say “no,” and express negative feelings? That usually takes time and trust. (Related reading: “To Trust or Mistrust.”) Often codependents think, “I trust people until they give me reason not to.” Mature individuals know that trust must be earned. Love bombers lie, but it takes time to figure this out.

Watch and listen to how your date treats and talks about others and his or her ex. Does he or she heap praise on you, but orders, blames, or disparages other people? Your date may one day treat you that way. (Related reading: “10 Tips to Spot Emotional Unavailability” and “5 Red Flags and Blind Spots in Dating a Narcissist.”)

©Darlene Lancer 2018