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“Once you wake up and smell the coffee, it’s hard to go back to sleep.” – Fran Drescher

I knew I liked coffee for a reason. Actually, not coffee itself, but espresso – and, specifically, the type I prefer from my favorite baristas: a Venti triple shot, coconut milk latte, 180 degree temperature, 2 organic sweeteners, extra foam and extra steamed coconut milk on the side. I know, sounds more like a dessert drink than an eye-opener, yet the truth is that it gets my motor (and my brain running just fine). As it turns out, there’s a growing body of scientific evidence that favors drinking coffee that I must share.

Genetic Variant Linked to Heightened Ability to Taste Bitterness = More Coffee Consumption

Researchers at Northwestern University and QIMR Berghofer Medical Research Institute in Australia conducted a study to test the causal relationship between bitter taste and beverage consumption in more than 400,000 men and women in the United Kingdom. What they found in the study published in Scientific Reports was that people who have a heightened ability to taste the bitterness of coffee, rather than avoid it for unpleasant bitterness, drink more of it because they associate “good things with it.” Interestingly, bitterness (the genetic architecture of bitter taste) evolved as the body’s natural warning system to protect it from harmful substances. That’s why you’d expect we’d want to spit it out, not consume more. How alert coffee makes you feel, the psychological associations with good times and experiences are likely some of the good things the study alluded to.

Coffee Can Be Part of Healthy Diet

An umbrella review of meta-analyses of observational studies and randomized controlled trials determined that coffee was associated with a probable decreased risk of breast, colon, colorectal, and endometrial cancers; type 2 diabetes; Parkinson’s disease, and cardiovascular disease and death. Although some outcomes included a probable increased risk of pregnancy loss and rise in serum lipids and increased blood pressure, researchers concluded that the overall benefits of coffee point to its inclusion in dietary considerations. The study was published in the Annual Review of Nutrition.

Drinking Coffee after Abdominal Surgery Enhances Recovery

Postoperative ileus is a frequent complication following abdominal surgery, despite advances in surgical techniques and aftercare. Researchers sought to validate the recommendation for patients to drink coffee following abdominal surgery, given the ample scientific evidence of coffee’s health benefits in general and those affecting recovery after surgery in the abdomen in particular. For example, coffee induces bowel movements, and stimulates motor activity in the large intestine shortly after consumption. In fact, researchers found that coffee consumption significantly reduced time to first bowel movement, flatulence, audible bowel sounds, and tolerance for solid food. Another plus was the finding that postoperative coffee consumption slightly reduced patients’ hospital stay. Researchers noted that the benefits appear to increase with increased complexity of the surgical procedure performed.

Coffee Safe to Preserve Memory Function

A 2018 meta-analysis in up to 415,530 participants determined that, while there is no evidence to substantiate causal long-term effects of habitual coffee consumption on global cognition or memory in mid- to later life, researchers did conclude that there are no adverse effects of such coffee consumption either. This finding was contrary to some earlier observational studies. They then stated that it appears “safe to consume coffee at least with respect to preserving memory function.”

Coffee Benefits for Liver

With liver cancer the sixth most commonly diagnosed cancer and third leading cause of cancer death in the world, researchers sought to clarify the reported benefits of coffee consumption on liver health. Researchers analyzed data to evaluate associations between intake of coffee and risk of subsequent liver cancer or chronic liver disease mortality. The 2013 study published in the British Journal of Cancer was a prospective cohort of Finnish smokers (male) that also had data on coffee preparation methods. Their findings: participants who consumed more than 2 cups of coffee daily had nearly a 50 percent reduction in liver cancer risk, relative to those who drank less than 1 cup of coffee per day. For those drinking more than 4 cups of coffee daily, the reduction in mortality from liver cancer was more than 90 percent. Of note is that neither smoking duration nor intensity showed any modification in association with coffee with liver cancer or chronic liver disease, and results were similar in those men who drank low and high amounts of alcoholic beverages.

Honey Plus Coffee Helps Heal Persistent Post-Infectious Cough

Persistent post-infectious cough refers to a cough that remains for weeks or months after a common cold or upper respiratory tract infection. Common treatment methods include steroids or honey plus coffee. Researchers compared the scientific therapeutic benefits of both methods in a study published in Primary Care Respiratory Journal in 2013. Honey, one of the oldest known medicines, can provide some relief from symptoms of cold and cough. Caffeine (in coffee) is a bronchodilator believed to stimulate breathing. It is also hypoalgesic and has some anti-inflammatory effects. Furthermore, caffeine, the world’s most commonly consumed psychoactive substance that stimulates the central nervous system, improves psychomotor performance and vigilance, decreases self-reported fatigue and sleepiness, and increases self-reported levels of alertness. In this study, results showed that honey plus coffee was preferred treatment method to steroids for persistent post-infectious cough. It is safe and effective while eliminating “unpleasant consequences of illness for both patients and physicians.”

Which is Better for Antioxidant Properties: Hot or Cold-Brew Coffee?

With the increasing popularity of cold-brew coffee today, researchers looked at the acidity and antioxidant activity of cold-brew versus hot-brew coffee and came away with interesting results. The 2018 study published in Scientific Reports suggested that there is a tendency to extract additional non-deprotonated acids in the hot brew method compared to cold brew method. These acids, researchers noted, may be responsible for the higher antioxidant properties they observed in the samples of hot brew coffee. They also said the hot brew coffee’s chemical composition may be more complex than that of cold brew coffee and called for further research to better understand “possible differences” in health effects of coffee brewing temperature and time.

How Coffee Helps the Heart

In a 2018 study published in the open journal PLOS Biology, researchers found that consuming 4 cups of coffee a day (or the caffeine equivalent) helps the heart by promoting the movement of a regulatory protein into mitochondria, thus enhancing their function and providing protection to cardiovascular cells from damage. They found that coffee improves the cardiovascular system and can even be “protective in states associated with increased risk for cardiovascular diseases.” Specifically, scientists looked at coffee’s ability to improve the mitochondria of the old heart and recommended coffee as an important additional protective dietary factor for the elderly population. They also noted that enhancing mitochondrial function may be a potential therapeutic strategy in cardiovascular diseases and also in improving life span.

There is a commonly held belief that winter conditions — that are characterized by extreme cold and low sunlight — are connected to heavy drinking.

Whenever we think of countries in Northern Europe we instantly think of sub-zero temperatures, dark clouds and polar landscapes. We also imagine its inhabitants tucked in a bar drinking their sorrows away. What creates this image is the perception that strong spirits and binge drinking are a staple of many Northern countries.

However, scientific and factual evidence shows a more nuanced picture.

Statistical Verdict

The argument that countries with a colder climate experience a larger intake of alcohol is not by any means clear. A study released by the World Health Organization (WHO) in 2014, suggests that this is not necessarily the case.¹

While the top four places are occupied by Belarus, Russia, Moldova and Ukraine, we also find the very warm Southern European countries of Andorra and Portugal occupying the number seven and ten spots respectively, ahead of Germany and all Scandinavian countries. In fact, other top ten entrants such as the Czech Republic and Romania experience quite temperate climates.

The cold weather argument fails to explain why Uganda, South Africa and Brazil have some of the highest alcohol intakes in the world, also surpassing that of any Scandinavian country.

Research also suggests that alcohol consumption is no longer culturally predetermined, as drinking patterns seem to converge, throughout Europe at least; binge drinking is becoming more and more common in Southern Europe while the “booze gap” (the difference in consumption levels) between North and South keeps narrowing.²

What is clear is that cold weather isn’t the only determining factor in levels of alcohol consumption. For those countries that receive more sunlight and warmer weather, there will be other factors at play that lead the residents to drink more heavily. Likewise, in colder countries, there may be other elements in their environment that add to or exacerbate heavy drinking patterns.

For example, given the prevalence of East European countries in the top 20, Tom Donaldson, president of the National Organization on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (NOFAS), suggests that these high consumption levels are motivated by these states’ underlying social context. He blames the high rates on the fact that “there are no public health awareness efforts whatsoever about the effects of alcohol consumption.”³ This assertion is certainly credible given that eight of the top offenders lack rigorous information campaigns on the hazards of heavy drinking.

Science Verdict

The popular belief that heavy drinking is a response to cold and miserable weather may actually be rooted in truth. The available statistical and medical evidence doesn’t give us any clear-cut answers here, but the newest study on the subject does suggest there is a link.⁴

This new study — the first of its kind — paints a bigger picture, and may provide us with more answers. It indicates that there is a direct relationship between the amount of sunlight a country gets and its inhabitants’ intake of alcohol. In colder climates with fewer hours of sunlight, alcohol consumption is increased — and sadly predictably, they also see an increase in levels of alcohol cirrhosis. This new evidence is only one study, so it can’t be conclusive, but it is certainly persuasive.

One thing that may also add to the increase of alcohol intake in these colder, darker regions is a well-known misconception that drinking alcohol keeps you warm.

Medical research points out the opposite; alcohol actually lowers your overall body temperature and can increase the risk of hypothermia. This is because alcohol dilates the blood vessels, increasing the amount of blood that is pumped to the skin, creating a feeling of body warmth on the surface while overall the core body temperature decreases. Summarized by Dr. William Hayes, Director of Clinical Pharmacology at the University of Iowa, “Consumption of alcohol undoes many of the human body’s healthy reflexes, one of which is keeping the core body temperature warm in cold weather.”⁵

In addition, research shows that lower temperatures cause people to consume less fluids overall. As professor Robert Kenefick of the University of New Hampshire US explains: “people just don’t feel as thirsty when the weather is cold”, which in turn leads to less consumption of fluids and a higher risk of dehydration. Kenefick conducted research that showed cold temperature actually reduces the feeling of thirst by suppressing the secretion of fluid-mediating hormones that ignite thirst in case of dehydration.⁶

The Final Verdict

With many countries with sunnier climates ranking high on alcohol intake there is an argument to made that it is countries without public health policies to address drinking in general that is the biggest factor in high alcohol use per country. However, the nascent evidence provided by the recent study about the positive correlation between longer nights, higher alcohol intake, and rapidly rising cases of liver disease has begun adding external factors (weather, geography, etc.) to the important discussion on how to mitigate alcohol related harm from a public health perspective. What is undoubtedly true is that there is more to be uncovered on the factors that contribute to a countries levels of alcohol intake.

In the end, a truly effective public health campaign will involve a deep understanding of both statistical and scientific evidence to support comprehensive policies and programs for healthier societies.

References:

1. World Health Organization. (2014). Global status report on alcohol and health 2014. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/1lc7Wpj
2. Bloomfield, K., Stockwell, T., Gmel, G., & Rehn, N. (2003, December) International comparisons of alcohol consumption. Alcohol Reserach and Health, 27(1):95-109. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2uLIzqG
3. Hess, A.E.M., Frohlich, T.C., & Calio, V. (2014, May 15). The heaviest-drinking countries in the world [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2KHrpDT
4. Ventura-Cots, M., Watts, A., Cruz-Lemini, M., Shah, N.D., Ndugga, N., McCann, P., Sidney Barritt IV, A., Jain, A., Ravi, S., Fernandez-Carrillo, C., Abraldes, J.G., Altamirano, J., & Bataller, R. (2018, October 16). Colder weather and fewer sunlight hours increase alcohol consumption and alcoholic cirrhosis worldwide. Hepatology. https://ift.tt/2BGziqg
5. Hiskey, D. (2012, October 9). Alcohol does not help prevent hypothermia, it actually makes it more likely [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/1kRkowR
6. Cold weather increases risk of dehydration [press release]. (2006, January 28). Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2BgYAbW

“Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing from something.” – Wilson Mizner

Who doesn’t enjoy a game of chance now and then? Trying your luck on an inexpensive lottery ticket can seem innocent enough, and might even net you considerable return. Spurred on by the lure of winning the big jackpot through television, radio, Internet, newspaper and other media ads may even prompt you to spend more than you intended. And it’s not just lottery tickets that people become hooked on but other forms of gambling as well: horse racing, slot machines, card games, sports betting. It should come as no surprise, then, that gambling use disorder (GUD) has steadily gained prominence as another form of addiction.

New research on gambling addiction and GUD is both illuminating, troubling, and promising with respect to prevention, treatment and recovery.

Gambling Officially Recognized in DSM-5 as Behavioral Addiction

The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) took gambling out of the “Impulse Control Disorder” section and reclassified gambling disorder as part of the expanded section covering “Substance-related and Addictive Disorders.” With this action, gambling disorder is the first non-substance behavioral addiction. A 2016 review in Substance Abuse and Rehabilitation examined the similarities and differences between gambling disorder and substance use disorders (SUDs) and found many shared characteristics, some of which include diagnostic criteria, comorbidity, genetic and physiological factors, even approaches to treatment.

Suicide Rates Increasing Among Those with Gambling Disorder

While previous research found that gambling disorder appeared to be an independent risk factor for suicide, and few studies looked at all-cause mortality as it relates to gambling disorder, 2018 research published in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions explored both mortality and suicide rates in those with gambling disorder and the general population, as well as risk factors associated with mortality due to suicide and all causes. Their findings showed significantly elevated rates of mortality and suicide among those with gambling disorder. Furthermore, even though common comorbid mental health issues did not predict overall mortality, depression was found to predict suicide death. Researchers suggested that medical and mental health professionals pay attention to long-term risk of death in their patients with gambling disorder and promote effective interventions for mental heath and other comorbid conditions.

Personality Disorders Consistently Associated with Pathological Gambling

In 2017 review published in Current Opinion in Psychiatry, researchers found a strong association between pathological gambling and personality disorders. They noted that studies consistently showed that the presence of a personality disorder is associated with severity of gambling and early age of onset of pathological gambling. Researchers called for further research on pathological gambling that goes beyond merely estimating rates of personality disorders and instead concentrate on longitudinal research to understand both the pathways between personality disorders and the early onset and severity of pathological gambling.

Disordered Gamblers Seeking Treatment Frequently Have Psychological Distress

What used to be called problem gambling or pathological gambling is now generally referred to as disordered gambling, according to several sources, including the New York Council on Problem Gambling. A 2017 study published in the Journal on Gambling Studies examined psychological distress as an indictor of co-occurring psychopathology among disordered gamblers seeking treatment. They found evidence of severe gambling pathology among those with greater levels of psychological distress. Furthermore, greater scores of psychological distress was found to significantly predict anxiety, depression, and deviancy. Researchers suggested that clinicians treating disordered gamblers may want to conduct a brief screening to check for the presence of co-occurring psychopathology, especially with reference to measures of psychological distress. The results could greatly aid clinicians in determining effective treatment approaches for disordered gamblers with psychological distress.

Co-morbid PTSD and Gambling-Related Cognitions: How They Affect Treatment

A 2018 study published in Addictive Behaviors looked at the association of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and gambling disorder in individuals with both conditions. Researchers sought to determine how PTSD might be related to specific gambling-related cognitions in terms of expression and experience. Hypothesizing that those with symptoms of PTSD (or symptoms of PTSD, even if undiagnosed) would show greater erroneous beliefs and cognitive distortions about gambling, researchers found the study participants consistently reported greater gambling-related cognitions. This led researchers to suggest that PTSD is uniquely associated with increased levels of cognitive distortions and erroneous beliefs about gambling and, further, that the findings both add to current understanding about the relation of PTSD and gambling to each other and to treatment of those diagnosed with the co-morbid conditions.

Other 2018 research published in Psychology of Addictive Behaviors postulated that PTSD symptoms were likely to be associated with unique beliefs about types of gambling behavior and unique motivations to gamble. Researchers studying two groups, an inpatient group of U.S. Armed Forces veterans in treatment for gambling disorder and an online sample of gambling adults found that symptoms of PTSD were related to positive expectancies for gambling and consistently associated with greater coping mechanisms for gambling for both sample groups. Researchers said that the high co-morbidity of symptoms of PTSD and gambling disorder are likely of interest for clinicians treating individuals for either PTSD or gambling disorder (or both).

Flashing Casino Lights/Sounds: Influence Risky Decision-making and Promote Problem Gambling?

Research published in the Journal of Neuroscience indicates a possible connection between the sensory cues of flashing lights and sounds in casinos and increased risky decision-making, potentially even promoting problem gambling behavior. Researchers from the University of British Columbia found that individual choices were less influenced by the odds of winning when the gambling environment featured the audio and visual sensory cues. In other words, they took more risks in gambling despite the odds. Researchers suggested that the findings might help explain why individuals continue to gamble even though the odds of winning are against them. In addition, they said that gambling sights and sounds are far from innocuous and may form an important piece of the puzzle surrounding gambling addiction in that such environmental cues encourage risky decision-making and bias attention.

When I was younger, I remember spending a lot of time thinking about dating—what would it be like? I started stashing away ideas for cute dates I read about or watched in movies. I would be ready. But when I actually got into the dating pool, it seemed like date planning was a thing of the past.

Sure, almost every first date was coffee, but couldn’t we come up with something fun to do after that? Too often it felt like dates were a sort of default. We’d watch a movie or go to dinner because we couldn’t think of anything better to do.

No matter what stage you are in your relationship (or even if it isn’t officially one yet) date planning is a way to show that you’re paying attention, that you’re creative, and that you care. Plus, with the right activity, you can use your dates for what they were originally intended to do—give both of you the opportunity to see each other in a variety of contexts and get to know each other better.

Here are a few ideas to get you started.

Back To Childhood

Sometimes there is nothing better than returning to something you used to love as a kid. Whether that’s ice skating, swinging at the park, or playing air hockey at the local arcade (or arcade bar).

Have a conversation with your date about the sorts of things they enjoyed as children and find ways to integrate those happy memories into your time together. You might end up playing Monopoly, or Play Doh, or coloring. Either way, you’ll be making new memories while accessing old ones (and many of these activities give you plenty of time to talk).

Your Interest’s Interests

There’s nothing sexier than a date who pays attention to your preferences. Hopefully you have that date, but you can be that date as well. Is your guy into beer? Consider a local tasting or brewery tour (even a homebrewing class). Does your lady love old movies? See if any local theaters play them on the big screen. Once you’re aware of the types of activities someone enjoys, you’ll start to notice them everywhere.

These outings can be spendy, if you’re ready to take that step (think theater or concert tickets, or a coursed dinner) but they don’t have to be (why not try a local trivia night themed to their favorite fandom, wander through a shop they’ll love, or do something creative together—painting, ceramics, or whatever else floats their boat).

No matter what your date is into, choosing activities that compliment their interests will show that you care about them. Hopefully, they’ll soon be really into you.

Surprise, Surprise

When you’ve known someone for a little while, long enough to establish trust (and let them know your allergies) there can be something completely exciting about planning a surprise date. Maybe you pack a picnic and take it to the park at the end of the workweek, close enough to hear the live music. It might be a surprise trip to a nearby town and a walk along the lake. Whatever you do, make sure that your date is okay with surprises and that nothing about it will make them feel uncomfortable or unprepared (don’t plan to go swimming without giving your date a chance to pack a swimsuit). Surprise dates are an opportunity to show that you know this person well enough to delight them without their input—be sure that’s what you’re doing.

Back to Basics

There’s a reason why I paid attention to the dates in movies and books. Most of those characters aren’t spending an hour talking about what to watch on Netflix over pizza. While those night can be lovely, there’s something romantic about taking the time to actively choose an activity in advance. Subscribe to your local community calendar and get out of your comfort zone. Once you start, I’ll bet you’ll discover all kinds of events going on in your locale that you’d never have known about.

Take this opportunity to try new things together, you never know when you’ll discover something you really enjoy doing, or a new place you love (and it’s especially fun to discover those things with someone you’re getting to like very much).

Whatever you do, try to be mindful about your dates. Are you defaulting much of the time? Or are you engaged with the process? There’s no time like the present to shake up your routine. Who knows, it might be more fun than you’d thought dating could be.

Cara Strickland writes about food and drink, mental health, faith and being single from her home in the Pacific Northwest. She enjoys hot tea, good wine, and deep conversations. She will always want to play with your dog. Connect with her on Twitter @anxiouscook.

The post The Lost Art of Date Planning appeared first on eharmony Advice.

For something so common, anxiety is still massively misunderstood. There are myths and misconceptions about everything from what anxiety disorders look and feel like to what actually helps to treat these illnesses and navigate anxiety. Which is why we asked several anxiety experts to clear things up. Below, you’ll find their illuminating insights.

Living with an anxiety disorder can be exceptionally difficult.

Many people minimize and trivialize anxiety disorders. For instance, how often have you said or heard someone say “I’m sooo OCD about my desk!” or “I’m really OCD about using hand sanitizer”?

Such comments not only misconstrue OCD (cleanliness is just one way that OCD manifests), but they also leave sufferers feeling misunderstood and alone, said Janina Scarlet, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Superhero Therapy: Mindfulness Skills to Help Teens and Young Adults Deal with Anxiety, Depression and Trauma.

OCD—and other anxiety disorders—can be debilitating and devastating illnesses.

“Individuals with OCD suffer on a daily basis, some completing hours of rituals, while others are paralyzed by intrusive thoughts,” said Scarlet. People with other anxiety disorders also experience “a tremendous amount of distress” day to day. For some of Scarlet’s clients, it can take hours to get out of bed, while others are unable to leave the house (or another space “they deem to be safe”).

“Someone with illness anxiety disorder may [believe] they have a life-threatening illness…. [People with] GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), or OCD may have recurrent intrusive thoughts about their biggest fears coming true. It is similar to experiencing one’s worst nightmare on loop in someone’s mind.”

Some people with social anxiety are so afraid of rejection or humiliation that making eye contact, waiting in line or saying “hello” triggers overwhelming anxiety or panic attacks, she said.

And what makes all of this worse is criticism from others, and comments like “just try to get over it,” Scarlet added.

Anxiety can be successfully treated in a timely fashion.

Even though anxiety disorders are difficult, they’re one of the most treatable disorders. Yet only a third of people seek treatment, said Kevin Chapman, Ph.D, a psychologist who specializes in evidence-based treatment for anxiety and related disorders in adults and adolescents at his private practice in Louisville, K.Y. That’s because “Most individuals with anxiety disorders manage their anxiety through avoidance behaviors.”

In fact, many of Regine Galanti’s clients don’t even use the word “anxiety” to describe their concerns. Galanti, Ph.D, is the director of Long Island Behavioral Psychology, where she specializes in using evidence-based treatments for anxiety and related disorders in children, teens and adults.

Rather, her clients talk about everything they don’t do, she said: They don’t drive or attend get-togethers with more than a few people. They avoid public speaking.

Avoidance may provide temporary relief. But it also “maintains the anxiety long term and creates a vicious cycle of further avoidance,” Chapman said. Thankfully, you don’t need to go to therapy for years to feel better.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a powerful treatment that typically ranges from 8 to 17 sessions for panic disorder, agoraphobia, social anxiety disorder, phobias, GAD, PTSD, and OCD, Chapman said. For a spider phobia, a single prolonged session—several hours-long—can even effect positive change.

To find a therapist Galanti suggested checking out the directory at the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies.

Anxiety goes beyond anxious thoughts.

Anxiety is very visceral. As Galanti explained, when something sparks our anxiety, our bodies go into “panic mode,” triggering a cascade of reactions: your heart beats faster, your breath accelerates, your muscles stiffen, your head aches, and it feels like your stomach is doing somersaults.

These physical reactions lead to more anxious thoughts, which leads to stronger reactions.

Galanti gave this example: “My breathing quickens when I see [a] spider, which makes me think, ‘Oh wow, that spider must be really dangerous,’ which makes my heart beat even faster, which is just proof that the spider is dangerous. So the system is self-perpetuating.”

Similarly, Galanti wants readers to know that this visceral reaction makes it difficult to use rational thinking to reduce anxiety.

“Most people with anxiety know they’re being irrational, but it doesn’t help because in the moment, fear takes over.” In the moment, fear convinces us that we’re having a heart attack. As Galanti’s clients tell her, “it feels so real.” In the moment, fear convinces us that we’re going to throw up during our talk.

This is why the best strategy is to gradually, systematically and repeatedly face our fears (as part of exposure therapy, a type of CBT).

Many people use substances to cope with anxiety—and it’s not a laughing matter.

Humor can be a great tool for dealing with anxiety—and really anything. But it becomes unhelpful when destructive habits are regularly glorified. For example, as therapist Zoë Kahn, LCSW, pointed out, almost every post on @mytherapistsays (which has 3.2 million followers) normalizes blackout drinking to deal with social anxiety.

“The memes are funny because they ring true to many young people’s experience of social expectations and romanticized desires to be popular or instafamous,” said Kahn, a licensed clinical social worker in private practice, primarily seeing clients on the Eastside of Los Angeles.

“As a former staff therapist at several drug and alcohol treatment programs in Los Angeles, I can say that somewhere between 50 to 75 percent of clients began using drugs and alcohol at an early age to self-medicate for varying anxiety disorders [such as] social anxiety disorder, panic disorder or anxiety related to trauma.”

Again, turning to substances to avoid experiencing anxiety (or to dampen your inhibitions) only exacerbates that anxiety. It sends “the message that anxiety is dangerous and that you need to do something to make it go away,” Galanti said. It also sends the message that you can’t cope with certain situations unless you’re drinking or using drugs. Which only deepens self-doubt and ramps up those dangerous habits. But you can tolerate difficult situations (and the discomfort) and thrive—seeking therapy is a transformational way to do that.

Scarlet, founder of Superhero Therapy, which incorporates superheroes and comic book and science fiction characters into evidence-based therapies, wants everyone to know that “it takes a great hero to face a dragon on a daily basis.”

“Like Frodo in ‘Lord of the Rings,’ like Harry Potter, like Wonder Woman, people with anxiety didn’t choose the things that happen to them.” But you have “the knowledge and the wisdom to understand others who may be going through the same experience. Your anxiety is your origin story; the rest of your heroic quest is up to you.”

You can read part one here.

We don’t like to hurt.  

Why would we? Hurting… well, hurts. As a species, we have learned to adapt to avoid things that cause us pain. Burn your hand on a pot? Next time you use an oven glove. Hit the car in front of you? Next time you leave more space between cars.

It makes sense that we do the same thing with our emotions. After all, many emotions feel terrible. Guilt, shame, loss, self-hatred, doubt, loneliness, worthlessness… these are not feelings most of us want. So, we learn to adapt. One way we do this is by examining the values of our culture and deciding if we agree with them. In the western world, the message about unwanted emotion is clear:

Don’t let it get to you.

Not being affected by feelings is considered a sign of strength. We are told to “get over it,” “stop crying,” “have a thick skin,” “man up.” Unwanted emotions are the enemies trying to conquer, enslave, or ruin us.

So, we do what any good defender does: We build walls.

Since early civilization, physical walls protect us from invasion. Emotional walls are no different, though they take many forms: denial, numbing, disconnection, avoidance, anger, distraction, etc. We create these barriers to protect ourselves from the invasion of an unwanted emotion, denying it entry and keeping us safe.

But do they?

Four Reasons Emotional Walls Don’t Work:

1. They Make Us Afraid

In horror movies, writers know the effect of keeping the monster out of sight; the result is terrifying. Where are they hiding? What do they look like? When will they jump out and attack? When we create emotional walls, unwanted emotions become monsters, lurking in shadows, able to surprise us at any time. We begin to change things in our lives from fear they may appear. Someone who is afraid of feeling abandonment stops having relationships, someone who is afraid of feeling worthless doesn’t apply for their dream job… instead of taking the risks we crave, our lives become centered on avoiding the emotions we fear.

2. They Can Increase Our Pain

It happens. Sometimes our defenses fail. Unwanted emotions break through our walls. When this happens, we experience secondary emotions, which we can think of as “emotions about our emotions.”

Not only do we experience the invading emotion, but we also feel the emotions that arise from failing to defend ourselves. “I should have been stronger…” “I’m so embarrassed I cried…” “I’m ashamed I lost my temper…” These are often just as difficult as the emotion we were avoiding. The inability to stop an emotion increases the amount of unwanted emotion we feel.

3. We Still Feel It

Our brains use our past to predict our future. This is why you seldom trip over the same tree root twice. As you approach it, you remember the contact, the fall, the pain, the embarrassment… the memory reminds you to be more careful. The same happens with emotions. When we feel an invading emotion, our brains access the memories of previous times we have felt it. So even if you are able to stop yourself from experiencing it in the present moment, often times you still re-experience the past version of it.  

4. They Prevent Us From Healing

A healthy circulatory system flows smoothly. Running water grows less bacteria than still water. It’s a fact of life: healthy systems are moving systems. The sad truth is that when we wall off emotions, they don’t go away. They are still there. Sometimes they masquerade as other emotions and try to weasel their way in (for example, fear can manifest as anger). They can also wait for years, affecting us in ways we don’t see.

Like ivy, unwanted emotions attach to our walls, growing and chipping away at them over time. A large piece of going to therapy is discovering these emotions, inviting them within our walls, and allowing them a chance to be felt. (Often times, this is why we talk about our childhood. We learn to make emotional walls at a very young age.) Only once we allow ourselves to finally experience these emotions can we learn to live with them. Think of the time wasted defending ourselves from feeling them, when in the end we feel them anyway.

So, if walls don’t work, what can we do instead? We can learn to build doors.

Think of a castle. When it has a wall, the enemy attacks on many fronts, searching for a weak spot. Now add a door. What happens? The enemy focuses the attack. Now unlock the door, and watch the enemy enter the castle. Yes, it passes the wall. But what if there are defenders ready and waiting? Suddenly, the castle has the advantage — it decides where and how to engage the enemy, which must abandon the attack to defend itself.  

By making a door, we create control. It’s not that we won’t be invaded, but we get to decide where and how we will engage. We gain the same advantage when we build emotional doors. When we accept that we cannot prevent emotions, we begin to develop thoughts and behaviors that allow us to experience them in a way that feels doable. We learn to let them in, but on our own terms.

There are many ways to build emotional doors and we can all find ones that work for us. Here are just a few:

1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: A specific type of therapy, CBT explores our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, and the relationships between them. It teaches us to gain distance from our experiences and use rational thinking to understand why we are the way we are. Consider finding a therapist trained in CBT.
2. Mantra Work: Originally a Hindu/Buddhist technique, the use of repeated words or sayings is not only used in meditation, but is a proven way to change the biological pathways in our brains. Just as our brain can jump to past experiences, we learn to jump to places that feel safe. For example, someone experiencing road rage can adopt a mantra like, “I’m angry, but I can’t change things out of my control.” While the anger may not go away, it is no longer overwhelming.
3. Self-Care: Many of us have all pulled an all-nighter, skipped a few meals, or had a few too many drinks and learned the truth: our bodies need certain things to be physically healthy. The same truth applies to our mental health. Just as we take care of our bodies, we must take care of our minds. Time in nature, sports, video games, alone time, hobbies, friends, sex… in psychology, these practices are often called self-care. Developing self-care helps create emotional doors because these practices are the foundations of our castle — they create the emotions we want, making the ones we don’t want seem less intimidating.
4. Radical Acceptance: As the saying goes, the sooner we learn to accept it, the sooner we can move on. Radical acceptance is a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) technique. It’s a no-nonsense approach to emotions: they exist, we may as well learn to deal with them. Finding a therapist trained in DBT can help develop a valuable skill set for handling unwanted emotions.
5. Communication/Support: It takes a strong person to ask for help, to show others vulnerability. Emotions do not need to be private. Often when we communicate them, we find support where we didn’t’ know it existed.

When we stop building walls and start building doors, unwanted emotions stop being enemies. This doesn’t mean we like them, but we don’t fear them anymore. We no longer avoid them or see them as failures. They become a piece of us, one we would rather not have but can live with.    

Let’s retire the phrase “don’t let it get to you.”

Let it get to you. Just build it a door.

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. Wishing you happiness.” – Helen Keller

The holiday season can be a frenetic time of year, fraught with numerous temptations and occasions to overindulge, drink or eat to excess, trying to get by on too little sleep, ignoring signs of distress, succumbing to family squabbles and turmoil and so much more. No wonder some of us look at the holidays with a mixture of anticipation and regret. Yet you can take proactive coping measures to keep your health and your spirits bright this holiday season with these 10 easy ways.

EATING AND DRINKING TIPS

Overloaded plates and endless buffet table offerings can put your mind into a spin. Not only are there too many choices, many of them are loaded with unnecessary fats, sugars and carbs. In other words, empty calories. Pay heed to the following tips to maintain a healthy balance with what you eat and drink.

1. Skip the seconds.

If one helping is good, two is not better. Do you really need that added load of calories? Think about portion control as well when it comes to putting food on your plate. Smile graciously when the host or hostess encourages you to have another helping. Say something like, “It was so deliciously satisfying that I can’t eat another bite.”

2. Grazing is a no-no.

Meal prep and clean-up are two times when the cook and his or her helpers often snack on (and fill up or overeat) what’s either being prepared or is ready to put away. Instead of telling yourself that the leftover turkey or pie or whatever is too small to package, so you might as well eat it, do yourself a favor and get out the storage containers, aluminum foil and/or plastic wrap and put the food away. The quicker you do this, the less likely you’ll be to pick it up and put it in your mouth.

3. Plan healthier food options.

If the traditional holiday get-together involves loads of carbohydrate-rich, high fat and high sugar content foods, make it a point this year to plan other food options that are healthier for everyone who’ll be dining with you. Check out recipes online for substitutions in your usual recipes. There’s always a way to reduce the sugar and fat content. Look for equivalent measurements for these healthier substitutions. Your guests likely won’t know the difference, and you’ll be a more thoughtful and health-conscious host or hostess by doing what you can to keep sugar and fat to a minimum in holiday foods.

4. Bring something healthy.

Suppose you’ve been invited to a holiday meal and the host or hostess asks you – or you offer – to bring a dish. It’s always a good idea to inquire what the meal is and what might be needed. It may be a side dish or a dessert. Once you know the main course and what else is needed, you can look for healthier recipes (or buy something healthy that’s ready-made) to bring to the get-together.

5. Speaking of parties, eat something small before you arrive.

Waiting hours after you get to a holiday get-together or family meal to eat will only result in your being ravenous and eating too much when you finally eat. On the other hand, you may wind up scarfing up empty calories in filler snacks prior to the meal itself. A good way to avoid either situation is to eat something small before you get to your holiday meal destination get-together. A handful of nuts, some fruit and cheese, maybe a protein snack will take the edge off your hunger, so you won’t overeat later.

6. Watch your alcoholic intake. Better yet, forego alcohol altogether.

Every family has stories of loved ones drinking too much and creating discord and strife during holiday get-togethers. The combination of drinking alcohol for hours before a meal and/or on an empty stomach never ends well. Even if you have a designated driver or alternative transportation, it’s no excuse to imbibe to the point of excess. Be responsible. Either severely limit your alcoholic intake or make a conscious decision to do no holiday drinking at all.

EXERCISE AND ACTIVITIES TIPS

Shopping for the holidays can be stressful. So can going to holiday meals, family reunions and parties. Cumulative stress wreaks havoc on your body and mind, so take the initiative to beef up your resilience and proactive coping strategies with generous exercise and healthier activities.

7. Add more steps to your errands.

Why fight for that parking space close to the door of the store or mall entrance? After all, everyone else is vying for that precious real estate. You can easily add a little cardio to your shopping and errands by parking at the end of the aisle or even a few aisles over. The exercise you get from the additional steps will be good for boosting your endorphins, helping to improve your mood, lower stress levels, even work off a few calories.

8. Do something besides watch TV.

When family members, loved ones and friends gather around for a holiday meal or get-together, do something else instead of plopping yourself down on the couch or chair to watch endless hours of sports on TV. Go outside for a walk with some of your party. Get in a game of touch football, or ask for others to help clear snow from the sidewalks and driveway. Such exercise can reduce stress and boost your energy at the same time. Caroling is a great way to get outside in the fresh air, be with others and enjoy the holiday spirit.

9. Add a little laughter to the mix.

According to numerous research studies, laughter is one of the healthiest things you can do for maintaining overall health. It’s a great tension reducer, helps ratchet down stress, even burn calories. No wonder you feel so good after a hearty laugh. Telling funny stories (as long as they’re not at anyone’s expense) about family activities in the past, or a few well-chosen jokes (make sure they’re clean and, of course, funny), or watching a comedy movie after the holiday meal can put everyone in a more jovial frame of mind.

SELF-CARE TIPS

Good self-care is critical to maintaining your health during the holidays. Be mindful of what you can do – and make sure you do it.

10. Get sufficient sleep, prioritize demands on your time, learn to say no.

The go-to items on your self-care list have to begin with getting the right amount of sleep. It’s too easy to hang around a few hours longer that you should at holiday parties, knowing it will cut into your sleep. That sleep, though, is necessary to restoring your energy, helping repair tissues and keeping mental and physical functioning optimal. Never shortchange your sleep. Research shows sleep is essential to your overall health.

There’s always another party invitation, more gifts to buy, shopping for that necessary meal ingredient, too many chores to attend to before the holiday meal or get-together. Instead of falling prey to trying to cram too much into too little time, figure out what’s really important and necessary and do that. Prioritize everything else, eliminating what you don’t need to do. This is an important part of navigating the holidays. In fact, now is a good time to learn how to say no – to yourself and that voice in your head urging you to do more, to keep going, and to others who make inordinate demands on your time.

Besides, the holiday season is an excellent time to reflect on the extraordinary riches and gifts you already have. This is a time to be grateful, compassionate, generous of heart and spirit toward others. In fact, spirituality is what the holidays are all about at the core. Keep this in mind and your holiday will be healthier for it.

Living with the emotional effects of sexual abuse is painful enough. Unfortunately, many survivors open up about their abuse only to find that their family members’ reactions toward them are just as painful — if not more so — than the original trauma. It may shock some people to learn that family members often choose to side with sexual abuse perpetrators and against their victims, especially if the abuse was committed within the family.

I regularly hear from sexual abuse survivors who tell me the myriad ways their families scold and reject them in the aftermath of disclosure, all while favoring their abusers. These brave survivors get left out of family gatherings while their abusers are invited. They are pressured to “forgive” the perpetrator (whatever that means) and consider his or her feelings — even while their own pain, responses to trauma, and/or anger toward the perpetrator are overlooked at best and condemned at worst. Survivors who press charges against their perpetrators often end up ostracized and blamed for ruining the abuser’s life, despite the obvious hypocrisy of this statement. In these situations, perpetrators are embraced and favored by family members as they join together in shutting down acknowledgment of, or attention to, sexual abuse. Survivors, on the other hand, are blamed and viewed as the troublemakers in the family.

This upside-down family attitude has a devastating effect on survivors. They are left feeling alone, unprotected and abused all over again. Denial, minimization, victim-blaming, scapegoating and ostracism are also common. All of this creates a secondary trauma and crushes survivors’ hopes of getting support from the very people who they assume will love and support them the most.

Here are the most common reasons family members side with sexual abusers:

Denial

In many cases, family members are simply not willing or able to look at the awful truth. They do not possess the strength or willingness to accept that sexual abuse was perpetrated within the family. It stands to reason that once their eyes are open to the truth, they would have an obligation to deal with its implications. This means holding abusers accountable, listening to victims’ feelings no matter how uncomfortable it makes them, reckoning with their own and other people’s mistakes, and admitting dark family secrets. It requires protecting minors and other vulnerable people from the possibility that abusers might re-offend — or already have. It means risking other people’s anger and doing the right thing, no matter how difficult. Unfortunately, far too few family members live up to these challenging moral imperatives. Instead, by denying or minimizing the abuse, they find a way to avoid dealing with its widespread and significant implications.

Even in cases where families believe that abuse was perpetrated or abusers admit or are found guilty of their crimes, denial allows family members to minimize its importance. Many simply never discuss the abuse again, or they act as though it’s not a big deal. Abuse at the hands of an older child might be characterized as “playing doctor”. The stepfather who abuses his step-child is excused under the guise of providing “sexual education”. Victims may be blamed for participating in their abuse, even if they were minors when it began and consent was legally impossible.

It is common for survivors to be told they need to “move on”, forgive their abusers, or “stop focusing on the past”. Many are told they are going against the will of God by standing up for themselves. Family members often accuse survivors of choosing to be negative and unhappy, a hurtful misunderstanding of their bravery in facing the truth and advocating for themselves in ways they never could as minors.

Abuse in Their Own Past

Sexual abuse perpetuates itself within families, especially if kept hidden and not appropriately acknowledged or addressed. When victims are too scared to tell, when others fail to believe or protect them, when perpetrators are not held accountable and parties are unable to heal, sexual abuse survives and thrives. Its reach extends to multiple branches of families and communities, inflicting damage and destruction throughout.

Where there is one sexual abuse victim in the family, there are often more. Significantly, it’s important to consider that some family members may have also been abused by the same perpetrator, or someone else in the family. While some fellow victims may be inspired by the survivor to come forward about their own trauma, others can be even more reluctant to look at family abuse because it brings up pain they are not prepared to address. The very family members whom survivors turn to for help are often limited by their own unresolved sexual trauma histories. And if they cannot face their own pain, they are less able or likely to show support and show compassion for others.

Fear or Awe of the Abuser

Despite images we might conjure of sexual offenders who are creepy, trench-coat wearing misfits, perpetrators actually come in all forms and inhabit every strata of society. Many are charming and manipulative. They may hold positions of power and have the ability to bestow gifts and money, meaning that family members have more to lose by going against them. These factors make it easier for abusers to win family members over to their side and align with them against the survivor. They may not be willing to risk their place of acceptance in the family and so they choose compliance and avoidance over allegiance to the survivor.

Some family members are afraid of an abuser’s wrath if confronted, due to their intimidating personality and/or a history of emotional abuse or violence. Their safety might be in jeopardy if they stand up to the abuser or even acknowledge the survivor’s claims.

They Are Perpetrators

The darkest reason people side with abusers and against victims is defensiveness due to the fact that they, too are perpetrators. Many sexual offenders were abused themselves. Because abuse frequently spreads through families, it is likely that if there is one sexual abuser in a family, there will be more. Not surprisingly, these family members will vigorously resist admitting the existence of sexual abuse in the family, or the harm that it causes to victims.

Final thoughts

“It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.” – Judith Herman

Many family members find it far more comfortable to stick with the status quo. They prefer to maintain alliances with abusers because this allows them to turn away from uncomfortable truths and the difficult feelings they stir up. To face the truth, family members must cast off their defenses, upsetting their equilibrium and putting themselves on uncertain ground, forced to adjust to a different landscape that may be far more healthy and real, but exists in frighteningly uncharted territory with fewer places to hide.

Family members and survivors alike need to know that the pain and discomfort that comes from facing abuse is worth the very real rewards. Denying the truth hurts us too, and it always will. When we accept and embrace the truth, it frees us up to begin the journey toward a healthier, better life. Living in the truth is the only way to start to alleviate the pain, heal from our trauma, and leave the dysfunction and destruction behind. Survivors who come forward to reveal abuse in the family have already been through a deep and lasting ordeal. They are showing courage, not causing problems. Instead of blame and rejection, they deserve respect, support and a strong dose of their family members’ compassion.

Narcissists can be beguiling and charismatic. In fact, one study showed that their likable veneer was only penetrable after seven meetings. But you don’t want to fall in love with one. Over time you can end up feeling ignored, uncared about, and unimportant. Typically, a narcissist’s criticism, demands, and emotional unavailability increase, while your confidence and self-esteem decrease. You’ll try harder, but despite pleas and efforts, the narcissist appears to lack consideration for your feelings and needs.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) occurs in men than women. As described in “Do You Love a Narcissist?”, someone with NPD is grandiose (sometimes only in fantasy), lacks empathy, and seeks admiration from others, as indicated by five of these summarized characteristics:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerates achievements and talents
2. Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Requires excessive admiration
4. Believes he or she is special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should associate with other special or of high-status people (or institutions)
5. Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others
6. Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance from others
7. Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends
8. Envies others or believes they’re envious of him or her
9. Has “an attitude” of arrogance or acts that way

How a Narcissist Behaves

Basically, what this looks and feels like is someone who is puts him or herself above all others. However, you might not notice it at first.

Seeking Admiration

Narcissists often like to talk about themselves, and your job is to be a good audience. They may never ask about you, and if you offer something about yourself, the conversation quickly returns to them. You might start to feel invisible, bored, annoyed, or drained. On the other hand, many narcissists are charming, beautiful, talented, or successful. So, you may be entranced by their good looks, seduction, or fabulous stories. Beware that some narcissists who excel at seduction may act very interested in you, but that wanes over time. Flattery is also a means to allure you.

Feeling Grandiose and Special

Not only do they want to be the center of attention, they brag about their accomplishments, trying to impress you. When you first meet, you may not know the extent of their exaggeration, but it’s likely the case. If they haven’t yet achieved their goals, they may brag about how they will, or how they should have more recognition or success than they do. They do this because they need constant validation, appreciation, and recognition.

Because they like to associate with high status, they may name-drop celebrities or public figures they know. Similarly, they may drive an expensive car and wear designer clothes, brag about their school, and want to go to the best restaurants. This may dazzle you, just like their charm, but it’s really a symptom of their need for an attractive facade to hide the emptiness underneath. A simple, intimate restaurant you prefer won’t meet their standards or provide them the public visibility they seek.

Lacking Empathy

Although some people who aren’t narcissists lack empathy, this trait is a crucial and determining symptom when combined with a sense of entitlement and exploitation. Notice their expression when describing sad stories or reaction to yours. Do they lack empathy for the hardships of others and in particular your own needs? I once told a narcissist I wouldn’t be able to travel to meet him due to a back injury. I was shocked by his insensitive reply: “You wouldn’t let a little back pain keep you.”

Simple examples are chronic lateness, walking ahead of you, ordering what you should eat, ignoring you and your boundaries, taking calls when you’re talking to them. Admittedly, these are minor things, but they add up to paint a picture of someone who doesn’t care about you, and will behave that way on bigger issues. They’re not comfortable with vulnerability — theirs or others, and are emotionally unavailable. In time, you’ll notice they keep you at a distance, because they’re afraid if you get too close, you won’t like what you see.

Feeling Entitled

A sense of entitlement reveals how narcissists believe they’re the center of the universe. They’re not only special and superior, but also deserve special treatment. Rules don’t apply to them. They may not just want, but expect a plane or cruise ship to wait for them. If they’re convicted, it’s everyone else’s fault, or the law is wrong. You should also accommodate their needs — stock their favorite treats in your car, like what they like, and meet at their convenience on their timetable. A relationship with this person will be painfully one-sided, not a two-way street. Narcissists are interested in getting what they want and making the relationship work for them. Your purpose is to serve their needs and wants.

Exploiting Others

You may not spot this trait until you get to know a narcissist better, but if you start to feel used, it may be because you’re being exploited. An example is someone taking credit for your work. A woman (or man) may feel used for sex, or as arm candy, if a narcissist shows no interest in her as a person. A man (or woman) may feel used if he gives money to a narcissist or provides her services. Manipulation is a form of covert aggression that influences you to do their bidding. Narcissists are masters of it. To many, dating is an art of game-playing. Whether or not it’s an “intimate relationship,” narcissists usually aren’t concerned about the other person, their feelings, wants, or needs. When relationships feel one-sided, givers feels exploited. They are because they allow it and don’t set boundaries.

More serious exploitation involves lying, gaslighting, cheating, and fraud involving financial and business dealings. These may include legal violations. You might not see this coming, but a narcissist might brag how he put one over on someone he took advantage of. Someone who had an affair may not be a narcissist, but a pattern of lying might be a symptom of several narcissistic traits. Other more obvious signs will show up.

Envying Others

Narcissists want to be the first and best, and don’t like their competitors. They want what they have. Instead of being happy for others’ successes, they feel envy. They may tear down the person they envy and say how the person doesn’t deserve what they have. Narcissistic parents do this with their own children and partners! They project and believe other people are envious of them. When someone has good reason to criticize or not like them, narcissists will dismiss their complaints as envy, because they are so great — and they can’t tolerate criticism.

Feeling Arrogant

Narcissists act superior, because deep down they feel inferior. They may put down other people, classes, ethnic groups, or races. Notice how they treat people who serve them, such as waiters and doormen, while sucking up to people of influence. Their critical comments are usually tinged with disdain and are often rude, attacking the individual and not just complaining about the service. It may come out in abrupt anger or covert hostility. This gives you a glimpse of how they will treat you when they know you better.

They typically believe they’re infallible and always right in any conversation. You might feel interrogated or steamrolled in a debate or that your words are twisted. Narcissists never take responsibility (unless it’s for a success), rarely apologize, and frequently blame others for misunderstandings or when things go wrong. Their hostility can take various forms of narcissistic abuse. Listen to how they talk about their past relationships. Do they act like the victim and still seethe with resentment?

Beware of Falling for a Narcissist

Relationships with narcissists are usually painful and can be emotionally and, sometimes, physically abusive. If you’re the son or daughter of a narcissistic parent, you’re more susceptible to falling for one, because they feel familiar — like family. Once attached and in love, it’s not easy to leave. Divorcing a narcissist can be costly, not only financially but emotionally, frightening and exhausting. On the other hand, you may feel devastated if you’re rejected and/or replaced.

Email me to join my mailing list for a more extensive “Checklist of Narcissistic Behaviors.”

© Darlene Lancer 2018 

Now that the colder weather is upon (most of) us, those who work from home might breathe a sigh of relief knowing they work remotely, while the rest of us commute daily to work as the hustle and bustle of life beings anew. Many people regard working from home as a goal for overall work-life balance, but those who find themselves actually doing their work from home report higher levels of stress, according to a 2017 study conducted by the United Nations. Part of this may be due to the fact that those who work from home face a host of challenges that are unique to this particular setup.

However, a significant part of this stress is due to higher use of mobile devices, which is perhaps unsurprising in light of other research that connects higher levels of stress to the habit of constantly checking one’s phone. A recent UN study suggests that the increased reliance on mobile devices may push the work-from-home crowd over the edge into higher-stress territory. This higher reliance on smartphones and laptops is associated with higher stress levels in addition to greater social isolation and even insomnia, both of which are conversely linked with greater stress, obesity, and mental health decline.

Most people are surprised by the stress they feel once the novelty of working from home wears off and the stress of its challenges becomes more apparent. While these stressors may not be the same as long commute times, or toxic co-worker/boss interactions they still take a toll. Here are some of the common sources of stress that many work-at-homers face.

• Lack of structure
• Too many distractions including social media and family obligations/housework
• Difficulty setting boundaries
• Social isolation
• Lack of focus

Fortunately, there are many tools at your disposal and you are not alone in experiencing stress from working at home. Below are some proven strategies for minimizing the stress of working from home.

Set a Schedule

While it’s wonderfully freeing to set your own schedule, it’s vital that you do set a schedule rather than working when you find the time. If you wait until you feel like working, the distractions will come from all sides and swallow up your time, so setting a schedule and sticking to it is a vital component of working from home for most people. There are several useful tricks for doing so, however, from calendars and apps to detailed to-do lists. Here are some things to keep in mind when determining when you’ll work:

• Work when you work best. Many people find that working in the morning when they feel rested can provide a more productive experience than beginning work halfway through the day after doing other non-work-related activities. This isn’t true in all cases, so feel free to experiment if this advice doesn’t seem to ring true for you.
• Prioritize the challenging tasks first. Rather than letting unpleasant or difficult tasks hang over your head and create stress when you think about them, pushing yourself to get the most difficult jobs done first thing can help you to clear your plate of those less exciting tasks, and you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment and increased energy and satisfaction throughout the day.
• Make use of technology. There are apps that can help you to track your social media usage (to help yourself use it less), remind yourself to work when you become distracted for too long, create to-do lists, and more. Learn what’s available and use these tools to your advantage.

Create a Cohort and Stay Connected

When you feel isolated, it can be difficult to have as much energy to be productive. Plus, it can be very unpleasant and difficult to sustain for the life of your career. If you work from home and feel a bit too alone, it’s important that you take responsibility for your own social life. You can create your own supportive network of colleagues, fellow work-at-home buddies, or like-minded individuals relatively simply through social media groups, planned meet-ups, or even text-chat groups. You can also find already-established groups through social media or online.

Reward Yourself

To keep your motivation up, it’s vital to create your own personal rewards. It’s therefore a great idea to break tasks down into smaller, workable steps. However, the point is that it’s up to you to make your at-home work experience pleasant. You can do this by breaking down your tasks into smaller goals and then rewarding yourself for taking each step. It may be as simple as stepping outside for a nice leisurely lunch stroll, or meeting up with a friend for coffee.

Get Comfortable Saying No

You’ll be faced with many requests, most of which you need to refuse if you want to have enough time to get everything done. It can be surprisingly difficult to say no to people you don’t really owe your time to, simply because most of us can find reasons why a “yes” is a perfectly reasonable answer. Whatever the challenge, realize that saying no to the time drains you didn’t plan for, often means saying yes to the life you truly want, one step at a time. Just because you work from home, doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to say no when it is perfectly reasonable and acceptable to.

Protect Your Sleep, and Don’t Use Mobile Devices Late at Night

Using screens late at night can alter your sleep patterns and make it difficult to get to sleep. It can also make you more wakeful during the night. Because healthy sleep is vital for your productivity, do what you need to do to protect your sleep. (This includes setting a bedtime for yourself and sticking to it.) This can be quite challenging, but well worth the effort.

While working from home can provide an amazing sense of freedom and flexibility as well as a no-cost commute, there are pitfalls and hidden stressors to be aware of. By focusing on what you can do to mitigate this stress, you can enjoy the added benefits of a work-from-home situation without the added stress. This is a great step toward achieving an ideal work-life balance.

Now that you know how common some of these stressors are, you may feel less isolated in what you face. You may also feel more energized in tackling these challenges head-on and minimizing some of the stress that comes with them, so that working from home can actually work for you and not against you.

References:

Working anytime, anywhere: The effects on the world of work. (2017, February 17). Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2S2kaIY

Stress in America: The state of stress in our nation. (2017, November 1). Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2kO24M2

Eating disorders are biologically based brain illnesses influenced by environmental and psychological factors. Environmental risk factors for developing an eating disorder include weight and appearance pressures, media messaging, and weight bullying. Biological factors include dieting/food exposure, genetics, neurochemistry, neurobiology, and hormones (notably estrogen). Psychological factors include stress, life transitions, identity, trauma, anxiety, depression, and substance use.

While risk factors predispose certain individuals to eating disorders, precipitating factors such as significantly altering how one eats or stressful life events make may an individual more likely to develop and eating disorder. Once an eating disorder is present, maintenance factors take over. These factors that maintain an eating disorder include biological changes that occur as a result of disordered eating and psychological factors that are connected to the eating disorder behaviors that then turn and reinforce a person’s repetitive, disordered behaviors.

What makes certain individuals vulnerable to developing an eating disorder?

Eating behavior is mediated by a large network of interacting neural circuits that include numerous areas of the brain, including the prefrontal cortex, anterior cingulate, insula, and the amygdala. We know that our eating behavior is determined by several signals that come into our brain through our mouth or through our gut. The experience of eating (Does this food taste good? Am I hungry? Where am I?) then propels us to keep eating, to stop eating, or somewhere in between. For example, if you are hungry and the food you are eating tastes good, you most likely will decide to keep eating. If you are eating loud food but are in a quiet meeting, you may choose to stop eating and eat your food following the meeting as to not disturb anyone.

In addition to this understanding, our gut also influences our eating experience. While research on the gut microbiome is still emerging, we know this is an essential component of eating that affects our eating behaviors. For example, if we feel ill upon eating certain foods, we may alter our eating behaviors in order to address this and prevent feeling sick.

Two experiences of eating

There are two parts of eating, “liking” and “wanting,” that inform our understanding of why people keep eating even when they are not satisfied and how the reward of eating may be exaggerated or scant. The wanting part of the eating experience is our appetitive system that motivates us to go get food. It says, “I’m hungry, go get food.” This is involved in the anticipatory reward of eating. If we are hungry and know we are going to get food soon, there is likely a reward associated with the knowledge we will be eating soon. As we understand now, we believe dopamine is involved with this wanting and drives us to seek out food.

The liking centers come in after wanting—they are what happens after we get the food. The “liking” is a response to eating. This liking reaction is reinforcing if we like something and not if we don’t. For example, if we are hungry and eat a meal we enjoy, our liking reaction reinforces that we enjoy that type of food. However, for those that struggle with eating disorders, they may “want” something but once they get it, they may not find it enjoyable.

How does the brain change for those with eating disorders?

For those with eating disorders, the brain changes in response to the eating disorder based on the type of eating disorder present.

Anorexia. Those with anorexia, who are actively ill, have a significantly different brain response to eating than those without an eating disorder. Individuals with anorexia have an altered response to reward, they are less motivated and less interested in eating food and are less likely to enjoy the experience of eating. There is an absence of pleasure—they may be scared, terrified, anxious, or sad about eating. Food, for those with anorexia, causes anxiety and fear, not pleasure. These individuals appear to have a decreased sensitivity to the rewards of eating and an increased sensitivity to punishment and negative feelings.

Bulimia. In bulimia, we see people who are eating a large amount of food but not digesting it due to purging (or for those with diabetes, omitting insulin). Stress and negative moods are often seen to trigger bulimia as research shows that these individuals are likely escaping negative feelings. Individuals with bulimia seem to have an exaggerated reward that drives their desire to eat more than typical. They have a heightened response to taste, even when they are fully fed. They are significantly more interested in food and eating than those with anorexia.

Binge eating disorder. For those with BED, they often have an exaggerated wanting and drive to eat, but a minimized experience of liking. Eating is not as pleasurable and individuals often feel the need to keep eating in order to find some degree of pleasure. They don’t experience the reward to eating in a way that they thought they would, which can be disappointing, and may lead to increased bingeing.

These differences in the brain of those with eating disorders compared to those without eating disorders tell us about what parts of the brain are affected for those with eating disorders. For example, the amygdala, which is in involved in the experience of emotions, wanting, and pleasure.

How we can reframe traits in illness to traits in recovery

Traits that are commonly seen in those with eating disorders include persistence, perfectionism, obsessive tendencies, a drive for thinness, harm avoidance, and impulsivity. These traits are often seen as less desirable and may negatively impact a person’s life. However, these traits can be reframed in recovery in order to more positively view oneself and one’s abilities. Those who are persistent can be refocused to being committed—a great trait that is needed in recovery. Those who are perfectionists have high standards, a positive trait in order to achieve and find lasting success. We can’t change an individual’s wiring, but we can help them to understand how to manage their traits in an advantageous way.

One example of reframing traits is to imagine that you are working with someone who is impulsive and resistant to structure. You can reframe this trait by assisting them in bringing some structure to their days and eating, without creating an entire day’s schedule. You can introduce a pre-meal plan that brings structure to the experience, which may bring a sense of calm and order. This pre-meal plan may include meditation or setting an intention.

Another example is if someone is harm-avoidant and has anxiety about eating and getting it “just right.” We can help soothe this anxiety by using sensory interventions such as yoga, mindful breathing, aromatherapy, or something that helps an individual to calm. These individuals are often anxious pre-meal, so it is suggested to have a plan put in place for before meal times, such as taking 10 mindful breaths prior to eating a meal or snack.

Early detection of eating disorders

Those who are risk for eating disorders can be identified. Specifically, traits such as anxiety, perfectionism, impulsivity, and chaos are often put people more at risk for developing eating disorders. We can discourage the development of an eating disorder and manage these symptoms early, in order to prevent an eating disorder. By taking extra time to manage anxiety and negative feelings, individuals are less likely to develop an eating disorder.

When and where to get help

For those struggling with eating disorders, it’s essential to get support as soon as possible. Getting support early has a strong correlation with a lasting, lifelong recovery from eating disorder behaviors. It is recommended that individuals seek specialized treatment for eating disorders from centers that are equipped to address everything that goes into developing and maintaining an eating disorder. It’s also important to remember that recovery is not only possible with treatment, it’s plausible.