Lisa Find Love

Looking at a range of issues facing society these days, including family conflicts, bullying, domestic violence, road rage, and online behavior. Anger can be seen to be a central component of much dysfunction. While anger is a normal emotion, its nature tends to be poorly understood with many myths and misunderstandings prevailing. These myths and misunderstandings often reinforce and perpetuate the interpersonal dysfunction promoted by anger itself.

To understand the nature of anger, it is important to remember why we evolved to experience the emotion. As with a number of emotional responses, our brains evolved to utilize anger as a coping response to the perception of threat where one’s safety was endangered. In this way it is a primary reaction based on the innate stress response (sometimes called fight-flight-freeze response). When activated, anger mobilizes the mind and body to engage in the fight response of this system. Its focus is to help fight off, dominate, or even kill the perceived source of threat to ensure one’s own safety¹ For humans this tends to be regardless of whether the threat is physical or to one’s self concept or concept of life. As such, anger is inherently anti-social, being concerned with winning conflict through force. It has also been observed to bias decision making, with people relying more on simple automatic information processing and being more likely to make more punitive decisions when in angry states²³

While the anger response is greatly motivating, what it motivates is generally problematic as it has no regard for the wellbeing of the perceived source of threat. For people to respond in a prosocial manner when anger is present, it requires other processes to “kick in” and down-regulate the anger. The problem here is that people often perceive their anger, and the perceptions and beliefs driving it, to be justified, which gives rise to a sense of righteousness in the anger⁴

Such beliefs also likely contribute to an abdication of responsibility for the anger, as the anger is then perceived as an inherent response to the perceived source of threat. This could also contribute to a mindset that the anger response is the only possible and/or logical response to the situation. These problematic cognitions then inhibit the likelihood that the individual will consider the functional costs of the anger response and work to regulate it.⁵ Interestingly, it has also been demonstrated by Tice and Baumeister (1993) that individuals who justify their anger tend to also skew their interpretation of events to be more favorable to themselves.

While the expression of such anger may have short term benefits (e.g. cooperation from others out of intimidation), a range of studies have highlighted the detrimental effects of regular anger episodes. These include increased conflict with family, friends, and work colleagues, increased dissatisfaction with aspects of life,⁶ increased likelihood of criminal behavior, increased risk of substance use and other mental health issues,⁷ and increased risk of some health conditions (e.g. Type II diabetes and coronary heart disease).⁸

When looking at the cognitions involved in triggering an anger response, it is often seen that the perception of threat is triggered by the violation of expectations held by the individual⁹¹⁰ For example, common expectations include ideas about how others should behave, about how one should be treated, and about not being endangered. The violation of these expectations then results in a judgmental evaluation, whereby the worth of the perceived source of threat is devalued¹¹¹² — even if the individual is not aware of these cognitions¹³. This loss of respect for the source of perceived threat (also known as dehumanizing and demonizing) makes sense in the context of anger. Such a cognitive process understandably helps in allowing for the expression of aggressive behaviors towards the perceived source of threat.¹⁴¹⁵

An adaption of this may also be to devalue the content of any messages conveyed from the perceived source of threat (e.g. they’re a stupid idiot, so what they say must be stupid as well). This can be witnessed in many arguments, whether online or within families. When people become angry with each other they quickly fall into name calling and often ignore any legitimate points raised by the other party. What’s more, these interactions serve to polarize interactions between the parties, and can lead to an escalation of conflict, with both parties only relating to each other through anger. This can then result in resentment and can contribute to vengeance-seeking behaviours.

Footnotes:

1. DiGiuseppe, R., & Tafrate, R. C. (2007). Understanding anger disorders. New York, NY, US: Oxford University Press.
2. Grezo, Matus & Pilárik, Ľubor. (2013). Anger and Moral Reasoning in Decision Making. Journal of European Psychology Students, 4(56). DOI: 10.5334/jeps.ay
3. Lerner, J. S., & Shonk, K. (2010). How anger poisons decision making. Harvard Business Review, 88(9): 26.
4. Baumeister R.F., Stillwell, A., & Wotman S.R. (1990). Victim and perpetrator accounts of interpersonal conflict: autobiographical narratives about anger. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59(5): 994-1005.
5. Rusting, C.L., & Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (1998) Regulating responses to anger: effects of rumination and distraction on angry mood. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(3): 790-803.
6. Kassinove, H., & Tafrate, R. C. (2002). The practical therapist series. Anger management: The complete treatment guidebook for practitioners. Atascadero, CA, US: Impact Publishers
7. Tafrate, R.C., Kassinove, H., & Dundin, L. (2002). Anger episodes in high- and low-trait-anger community adults. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 58(12): 1573-1590
8. Staicu, M.L. & Cutov, M. (2010). Anger and health risk behaviors. Journal of Medicine and Life, 3(4): 372-375.
9. DiGuiseppe, R., & Froh, J.J. (2002) What Cognitions Predict State Anger? Journal of Rational-Emotive and Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 20(2): 133-150.
10. Novaco, R.W. (1977). Stress inoculation: A cognitive therapy for anger and its application to a case of depression. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 45(4), 600-608.
11. Eckhardt, C., Norlander, B., & Deffenbacher, J. (2004). The assessment of anger and hostility: A critical review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 9(1), 17-43.
12. Bastian, B. & Haslam, N. (2004). Psychological essentialism and stereotype endorsement. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 42(2006): 228–235
13. David et al., 2005
14. Haslam, N. (2006). Dehumanization: An Integrative Review. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 10(3): 252-264
15. Bastian, B., Denson, T., & Haslam, N. (2013). The roles of dehumanization and moral outrage in retributive justice. PLoS ONE 8(4): e61842.

The way you see something can easily keep you stuck and stressed—or it can free you. In other words, your perspective is powerful in creating the life you want to live—or not.

For instance, if you think you’ll never find a fulfilling job, you’ll feel demoralized, and you won’t do the very things you need to do to find a fulfilling job. That is, you likely won’t create an effective resume, brush up on your interview skills and write a compelling cover letter.

That’s because, as psychotherapist Megan Gunnell, LMSW, pointed out, our perspective affects our feelings, and these feelings affect our behavior. This also means that if you change your perspective, you’ll change your feelings and then you’ll change your behavior for the better.

For example, you’re starting your day, and you’re already thinking, There’s not enough time! There’s never enough time! I’ll be late! Today is going to be awful. You start feeling anxious and rushed and stressed. “Then you behave in a way that makes you forget things and lose your focus and consequently, you are inefficient, scattered, late and not able to complete what you’re doing,” said Gunnell, also a speaker, writer and international retreat leader in Grosse Pointe, Mich. Your body also starts reacting based on your anxious, overwhelmed thoughts: You release adrenaline and cortisol, she said.

However, if you reframe your perspective—I’ll do my best, one task at a time—then you’ll feel calm and confident. “Your behavior isn’t rushed or erratic, and you find you are efficient and effective in your approach to completing your tasks.”

We adopt all kinds of unhelpful perspectives that keep us stuck. We think we don’t have control over our circumstances and our lives, and we think our ability to grow and accomplish certain goals is limited (when it actually isn’t), said Diane Webb, LMHC, a psychotherapist and self-development coach in private practice in Clifton Park, N.Y. “If you think there are limits, the limits will present themselves.”

We think in terms of “always” and “never.” “You’re unemployed and unhappy today, so you start to think you’ll always be unemployed and sad,” said Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a board-certified psychologist and writer in Pasadena, Calif. “You’ve dated 10 men and haven’t yet found a great fit, so you start to believe that you’ll never find a solid relationship.”

Thankfully, our perspectives aren’t permanent, and sometimes they don’t take much to shift—a simple (and profound) question can alter our viewpoint, and help us create incredible change. These questions can help you see things through a healthier, more effective lens:

Is this perspective an old tape on replay? According to Webb, an old tape is an old way of thinking—about deficits you thought you had but outgrew, or definitions you gave yourself that no longer fit what you’ve become and achieved. For example, an executive still sees herself as inadequate because she struggled with math in school, she said.

What do I want? How do I feel? “Many people get so involved in the needs and wants of others they fail to check in with their own wants and feelings,” Howes said. You still might need to consider others, but your desires are just as important.

Does this perspective prevent me from abundance, happiness and peace? Webb suggested asking this question, which is vital because we regularly think things that don’t serve or support us.

What has this perspective cost me? What have I missed out on because of this perspective? Webb said. These questions speak to whether you’re clinging to negative, limiting perspectives that have led you to decline positive opportunities (or make unhealthy decisions). Because if a perspective is poisoning your life, why are you holding onto it?

If I were twice as strong and twice as confident, what decision would I make? Howes asks his clients this question when it seems like fear is clouding their judgment. “This doesn’t mean it’s always the right choice, but it does show how much power they’re giving to fear.”

What am I grateful for in this moment? According to Gunnell, gratitude moves us from a mentality of scarcity to a mentality of abundance. It moves us from being filled with fear and worry to feeling empowered and maybe even seeing possibilities where before we saw none.

For instance, Gunnell’s client is the breadwinner of her family, while her husband stays home with their young kids. Her job involved long hours, grueling deadlines, demanding expectations and frequent global travel. The stress was sparking significant health issues. For months she dreamed about finding a new job, but she thought she didn’t have the time for a comprehensive search, and felt pressure as the primary earner to stay. Then she was let go—and felt shocked, angry and devastated. However, she quickly shifted to a grateful, hopeful perspective: This gives her “a break to catch her breath, reduce her stress and start a comprehensive job search for a new position in a company [that’s] a better fit for her family, life balance and health.”

Does this perspective belong to someone else? Do I want to adopt it myself? For instance, we often internalize our parents’ perspective about ourselves, who we’d become in the future and their approach to life, Webb said. We also often internalize societal expectations and standards. But, as the latter question illustrates, just because we once took on a perspective doesn’t mean we have to keep it; we have a choice in whether to adopt a viewpoint or not.

What would my mentor or hero do? “We have role models for a reason, to model bravery and character for us,” Howes said. “Sometimes it’s easier to get in touch with their motivations than our own, and this is worth exploring.”

What can I learn from this? You can gain insight even when you feel terribly stuck, Howes said. For example, when you ask this question, you might realize that you should trust your gut, that you need to better control your anger, or that you’ve been pursuing the wrong relationships, he said. “Sometimes just knowing there’s a nugget you’ll take away feels empowering.”

Is this perspective in alignment with what I want in my life? Webb said. Reflect on what you want your life and your days to look like. Does your mindset match these desires and dreams? Does your mindset match these specific images?

How will I want to remember this chapter of my life when I re-tell the story? When you’re feeling paralyzed, it’s hard to see the bigger picture—and to see potential solutions. Which is why Howes suggested imagining yourself “some time in the future telling the story from this time” and wondering how you’d like the narrative to sound. For instance, you might come up with: “I kept pushing until I found a brand-new solution,” Howes said.

“Just imagining this helps you realize you won’t be in this predicament forever, and starts you on the road of problem solving as you write your own story.”

Because, remember, you are the author of your life.

If you are on dating autopilot, your energy may be solely focused on getting dates and finding a relationship. You may be neglecting the part of the equation in which you hone in on what you are actually looking for. You may be so heavily invested in having potential partners pick you, pursue you, approve of you, or like you, that you neglect major components of dating, such as determining what you are looking for, accessing how you feel and making choices that are in line with the type of partner and relationship you seek. These aspects of dating are essential to selecting a partner who is right for you.

A great partner will feel right to your head and your heart. Balancing your emotions with logic will ensure you are not ignoring red flags and simply picking the first person you have feelings for or who falls for you. As you may know from experience, it is possible to develop attraction and loving feelings for someone who isn’t actually a healthy match. This reality can be challenging to sit with, but it is an important reminder. Therefore, when evaluating someone as a partner, it is useful to consider your feelings, plus what the rational part of your brain says.

Remember infatuation and love can make us pretty irrational! So can loneliness, desperation, sexual chemistry, and the need for companionship and belonging.

So, how can you take control of your dating life and choose a great partner and relationship for you? How can you tell if someone is right for you?

1. Access how you feel pre- and post-date. My clients know I am big on self-reflection. I like to make sure they are dating from a mindful, open place, and are not just going through the motions. Getting to know yourself and how you feel is essential, so I help train them to do internal check-ins before and after dates. This process involves asking yourself questions, such as “how do I feel around this person?,” “how connected did I feel to my date?,” “what do I like about this person?,” “what are my concerns at the moment?” and “how did I feel on the date?” to better understand if your date is a good match. Answering these types of questions will help you acknowledge your feelings and determine what about the person you connect to (or don’t connect to).

2. Use your feelings and answers to the above questions as information to make deliberate decisions about who to date. For example, if you leave a date feeling eager to see the person again, spend some time analyzing why. If you realize your feelings of connection come solely from physical attraction (and you actually have little in common and want different things), it is unlikely this person is the right match for you and you may want to reconsider getting together again. Or if you leave a date able to pinpoint some commonalities in your personalities, life history and values, this is a good sign that a connection is developing and this person may be a healthy partner for you.

3. Gain awareness and insight into your values, goals, interests, lifestyle, personality, preferences, deal-breakers, etc. Taking stock of the above will reveal the type of partner and relationship you are searching for. Tune into who you are while considering what’s important to you and anything that is not negotiable. Look for a partner who shares your values and relationship goals. Be willing to screen out people who exhibit red flags and deal-breakers.

4. Listen and believe people as they show you their true colors. When you like someone and want the relationship to go somewhere, you may be guilty of making excuses for their behavior or forcing something that isn’t there (remember how love can make us irrational?). For example, if a man cancels on you three times for “work,” it’s important to believe that work is his priority and not allow yourself to sit at home waiting and waiting for him to ask you out and follow through in the future. Don’t make excuses for him, such as “I think he really likes me, but he is really busy right now” if you barely see him or hear from him. This is giving your power away. You can be compassionate about what people have going on in their lives (and you should be kind and flexible) without making excuses for people who may not actually be ready or emotionally available.

5. Invest adequate time in getting to know someone without pushing yourself into premature decisions. Often my clients feel impatient and worried about wasting time on the wrong person, so they prematurely reject great potential partners if they don’t feel an automatic, enthusiastic “yes” or instant connection. They may also convince themselves that they should know if someone is “The One” after a couple of dates. Yes, there should be progress in a developing connection, but your feelings may not be as instant as you see in romantic comedies. The path to the right person involves being open to getting to know each other over time to better evaluate compatibility.

6. Use online communication and dates as opportunities to look for qualities of a healthy partner. Does the person you are talking to and meeting up with demonstrate the traits of your ideal partner? Without striving for perfection or being overly picky, consider if the person in front of you would be a healthy partner. Ideally you will be looking for someone who is kind, thoughtful, honest, trustworthy, generous (this is about how they treat others in relationships, not solely in terms of finances), and emotionally stable. A healthy partner will also exhibit respect, accountability, integrity, an ability to compromise, and shared values. Ask yourself: How does this person treat the waiter, cashier or barista? How does this person talk about friends and family? Does this person own their flaws, weaknesses and mistakes? How does this person manage anxiety, stress or anger? Is this person controlling, possessive or easily jealous? How does this person view relationships? You can learn so much about a person through dialogue, quality time and shared experiences.

Be sure to give both your heart and your head a say as you assess if and how a potential partner fits into your life. Remember not everyone you are attracted to is necessarily a good match, so value more than chemistry and physical attractiveness. Get in touch with your feelings and desires. Hold space for someone who makes your heart happy and who also exhibits the qualities and values you live by and appreciate.

Rachel Dack is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC), Nationally Certified Counselor (NCC) and dating/relationship coach, who provides counseling and coaching services at her private practice in Bethesda, Maryland and by phone. Rachel’s areas of expertise include dating, relationships, self-love, anxiety, breakups, and divorce. Rachel serves as the leading Women’s Relationship Expert for Dating Advice.com and has been interviewed by a variety of media sources, including Bravo TV, The Washington Post, Counseling Today, PsychCentral, Redbook, Bustle, wtop, and more.  Follow her on Twitter , Instagram  and Facebook for more daily wisdom and dating/relationship tips!

The post How to Choose the Best Partner for You appeared first on eharmony Advice.

We often hear the phrase “work smarter, not harder,” but what does this phrase actually mean? What does it look like to take a smart approach to everything you do at the office—and outside it.

According to Melissa Gratias, a workplace productivity coach and speaker, people who work “hard,” put in extra hours, check their email on nights and weekends, and maintain a rapid pace even when they’re tired. “They are motivated, well-intentioned people who want to do a good job.”

However, people who work “smart” understand the power of pausing in creating the “freedom to think, plan and innovate,” Gratias said. “Working smarter is the pursuit of productivity coupled with a respect for downtime and rest.”

Gratias cited an equation that’s central to success from the book Peak Performance by Brad Stulberg and Steve Magness: “Stress + Rest = Growth.”

Ellen Faye, COC®, CPO ®, a productivity leadership coach, noted that working smarter involves being intentional about what you say yes to. “Your yeses should tie to your goals and intentions. If something doesn’t serve you—or someone or something you care deeply about—then it should not make it to your yes list.”

Maura Nevel Thomas, a speaker, trainer and author on individual and corporate productivity and work-life balance, put it this way: “Working smarter primarily means accomplishing more important work with less effort.”

So how do you actually do all of that?

These tips can help.

Set clear goals and intentions. Having clear goals and/or intentions makes it “much easier to choose how to spend your time,” Faye said. Because you know what’s important to you.

Faye noted that goals have specific outcomes, whereas intentions focus on how we want to be in the world.

To set short-term goals, Faye suggested jotting down three to four things you’d like to accomplish in the next 6 months (possibly one goal per life area, such as business, self, family and service). To set long-term goals, do the same but change the time frame to 6 months to 3 years. Then rewrite each goal so it’s measurable.

To set intentions, Faye suggested focusing on SMART intentions:

• soul focused: the fullest expression of your inner self
• meaningful: what truly matters to you
• aspirational: what you hope to do or be
• reasonable: including shades of gray
• transformative: change that empowers your authentic self.

Honor your need to pause—without technology. The problem most of us face when trying to be productive is that we interrupt ourselves—a lot, Gratias said. This often happens when we don’t honor our need to pause and collect our thoughts during the course of the workday, she said.

Instead of genuinely pausing, we check email, scroll social media, send a text or make a call. Whatever the specific action, it interrupts our train of thought—and our focus fractures.

“It is essential to allow yourself to sit back in your chair, take a breath, and then resume work on the primary task,” Gratias said.

Use a timer. This is especially helpful when you’re procrastinating on a task or are having trouble focusing, Gratias said. She suggested setting your timer for 15 minutes, and trying to race the clock. See how much you can tackle in that time. Plus, you just might get in the flow and work well after your timer dings.

Control your environment. One of the biggest mistakes we make at work is believing the myth that “constant distraction is just a fact of business,” Thomas said. She helps clients with attention management—which she believes “is the most important business skill for the 21st century.” She’s written a forthcoming book called Attention Management: Breaking the Time Management Myth for Unrivaled Productivity.

A potent way to manage our attention—by decreasing distractions—is to control our environment. Thomas suggested closing your office door; putting a “do not disturb” kind of sign on your cubicle wall; and wearing headphones. This creates boundaries and broadcasts to others that you can’t be interrupted. As she said, “Once someone says, ‘Do you have a minute?’ you’re already distracted.”

Control your technology. In her work, Thomas teaches people just how powerfully persuasive technology is. A client sent her this quote from Zucked: Waking Up to the Facebook Catastrophe:

[Professor BJ Fogg’s] insight was that computing devices allow programmers to combine psychology and persuasion concepts from the early twentieth century, like propaganda, with techniques from slot machines, like variable rewards, and tie them to the human social need for approval and validation in ways that few users can resist. Like a magician doing a card trick, the computer designer can create the illusion of user control when it is the system that guides every action.

When you really need to focus, it’s critical to work offline, Thomas said—without watching email downloads and hearing notifications dinging. In other words, “silence your devices and put them out of sight.”

Regularly re-evaluate. Many of us continue saying yes to things we’ve clearly outgrown, because we don’t stop to consider if these tasks actually serve us, said Faye, past president of the National Association of Productivity and Organizing Professionals.

She shared these examples: You keep attending a networking event that no longer contributes to your business development. You do your own bookkeeping, even though you hate it and don’t do it well. You keep books, training materials and files that you never reference and can’t find the things you actually do need to use every day.

When you re-evaluate, you realize that instead of attending the networking event, you can spend those 2 hours taking a special client out to lunch, or having dinner with a friend. You realize you have the resources to hire a bookkeeper, and you “keep a few mementoes and clear [your] space for the things that will make [you] successful today.”

Faye recommended running your calendar commitments through this filter list:

• “Will it help me reach my goals?
• Will it help someone or something important to me?
• Will it help me grow personally or professionally?
• Will I have fun doing it?”

If the answer is no, she said, “then the answer is no.”

Check in with your boss. If you work for someone else, Faye stressed the importance of periodically checking in with your supervisor to make sure that the work you “think is most important is the same work [your] boss thinks is most important. Priorities change from day to day and no one has time to waste working on the wrong things.”

Work only on today’s important tasks. It’s very easy to feel unfocused when you don’t have a priority list. What do you work on first? Similarly, without a priority list, we become reactive, and let others dictate our schedule.

Faye suggested dividing a notepad into quarters and classifying tasks by level of importance: today; next few days; sooner; later. Then write out that day’s tasks on a Post-It note, and keep it in front of you.

It’s also helpful to consider these questions when creating your task list, she said: “What would happen if I didn’t do it? Can the time I’m spending be shortened? Can I delegate it to someone else?”

In Juliet’s School of Possibilities, Laura Vanderkam’s parable about time management, one of the characters regularly mentions two sentences that encapsulate working smarter and serve as a vital reminder: “You are always choosing. Choose well.”

Dating alert: Whether your date does or doesn’t ask you questions about yourself and your overall life means a lot. This issue is one of those you may not think about often, but taking a moment to reflect on it is important. When we think about whether your date asks enough questions, we are really asking this: How much do they show interest in me? If someone is truly interested in getting to know the real you, they need to ask questions about you and your life; if they don’t, they are showing you that the specifics of who you are aren’t actually that important. Maybe they just want to be with “someone” and aren’t terribly picky about whom that person will be; maybe they are narcissistic and want the focus to be on them. No matter how you twist it, a date who doesn’t ask enough questions about you and your life is a very, very bad sign. Speaking of signs, if it were one that appeared on the side of a road, it would clearly read “Danger Ahead.”

I couldn’t count the number of therapy clients I’ve had in my private practice who shared a dating experience that turned them off because of this specific issue. One example, in particular, comes to mind. My client, Caroline, went for dinner with a new guy, and she did the usual thing most people do on a date. She started asking him questions to get to know him better. Why did she ask questions about him and his life? She had a healthy curiosity about who he was and she wanted to connect with him. Not long into their dinner, she found herself asking and listening, but soon realized he wasn’t asking doing any of the asking back. At first, she felt a little insulted. Was he not interested? Was he thinking her personality was a turn-off?

After reflecting on the issue a bit more, she noticed that her feelings changed to frustration. Would it be so hard for him to ask her about her life? She wondered what this meant once she got home, and she felt sad as she reflected on the date and got ready for bed later that night.

To all of the men and women dating, please remember to think about the feelings of the person you’re on a date with. You must work to show your date that you are not so wrapped up in yourself or so riddled with anxiety that you can’t perform simple appropriate dating behaviors, including asking questions. You have to ask your date questions so that you can figure out if the two of you are compatible, and you owe them the respect of showing interest because they took the time out of their day to meet with you.

Asking your date questions shouldn’t be that difficult. You don’t need to go through a laundry list of first-grader questions (“What’s your favorite animal?”) but you should ask a few questions that will establish a connection. Ask your date about his or her family (do they live close or far away?) or about what kinds of things he or she likes to do when they’re not working.

Whether your date asks you questions is a critical litmus test on the path to finding an appropriate partner. Asking the other person questions shows the ability to give and take, as well as the ability to establish intimacy. If you find yourself on a date where your date is only talking about himself or herself and has not asked you enough questions about yourself, address it in the moment. Make a joke and smile, and try saying this: “Ok, do you have any questions for me? I don’t want to feel like I’m conducting an interview!” Sometimes calling people out on their behavior in a friendly, non-threatening way can help them see what they’re doing and they can then redirect their behavior.

Make sure to put one simple question on your silent checklist on your next date: How easily did they ask me questions and show interest and curiosity about my life? You will be more likely to find a good partner if you approach dating with this level of care and consciousness, always asking yourself whether your most basic emotional needs for attention are being met.

About the Author:

Dr. Seth is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

The post Does Your Date Ask You Enough Questions? appeared first on eharmony Advice.

“I was an accomplice in my own frustration.” – Peter Shaffer

While we may not recognize when we do it, or even admit to it when we know we do, we all sometimes have a tendency to sabotage our efforts, thus leading to unnecessary and sometimes disruptive frustration. The key to being able to overcome frustration is to learn how to identify it and then implement strategies to combat it.

Where Does Frustration Come From?

In the simplest terms, frustration is an emotion that comes from being blocked from achieving an intended goal. There are internal sources of frustration, as well as external sources.

Internal sources: If you are not able to get what you want, the disappointment and frustration you feel may well be the outcome. This may be due to a loss of self-confidence or self-esteem or you may be afraid of certain social situations.

External sources: Often, it’s the conditions you encounter outside yourself that are the sources of some frustration. These include the people, places and things that serve as roadblocks to getting things you want done. Perhaps the most universal source of frustration is anything that causes you to waste time. We’re all familiar with and likely have to deal with on a regular basis the time lost due to traffic delays, waiting in line, getting to a store or establishment only to find that it’s closed or doesn’t have what you want in stock.

How Does Frustration Make You Feel?

People react to frustration in a number of ways. In response to frustration, they can:

• Get angry
• Give up or quit
• Lose self-esteem
• Feel a loss of self-confidence
• Experience stress
• Feel sad, uncertain, depressed or anxious
• Turn to substance abuse
• Engage in other negative, self-destructive or addictive behaviors

A 2018 study published in Frontiers in Human Neuroscience analyzed facial expressions and brain-activation mechanisms using functional near-infrared spectroscopy to detect frustration in drivers. Researchers found that frustrated drivers tend to activate mouth region muscles, such as chin raiser, lip pucker and lip pressor). Frustrated driving can result in aggressive behavior, as well as having negative effects on cognitive processes important for driving, including attentiveness, judgment, and decision-making. Another study published in 2016 in Frontiers in Psychology listed some of the emotional and affective responses in the aftermath of frustration, including acute stress, lasting anger, rage, and sadness.

Do Certain People, Places and Things Make You Frustrated?

Sometime, just the sight of a person you’ve had disagreements with is enough to trigger feelings of frustration. Another instance where frustration might crop up is passing by or having to go to a place where you’ve suffered frustration in the past. Maybe it’s trying to help your child with homework that’s a source of frustration, or some other activity that regularly ends with you being frustrated.

Knowing when and where you get frustrated is important to your ability to devise effective strategies for removing and/or coping with the sources of frustration in the safest and most effective manner.

Do You Get More Frustrated at Certain Times?

Undoubtedly, if you’re keeping a calendar or making notes on instances where you’ve experienced frustration, you may notice a pattern. For example, are you more frustrated when you have to pay bills, knowing that you may have to move some finances around or are over-budget this month? Do you become more frustrated on Friday at work because you know you haven’t accomplished key goals for the week? Or is it Monday that frustrates you because you know of important deadlines looming and you’re not sure you’ll be able to fulfill your obligations.

Like taking notice of the people, place and things that cause you frustration, you need to be able to see the patterns in timing for your frustration. This will better allow you to construct coping mechanisms that will be readily available to employ the next time you get frustrated.

What Other Things Contribute to Frustration?

Even after you’ve made a list of the people, places and things and certain times when you’re likely to become frustrated (based on experience), there may be other things that serve as contributing factors to your frustration. Certainly the level of frustration may be affected by:

• Your state of health, and any physical or medical conditions
• Financial situation, including bankruptcy, being overextended, wasteful spending
• Emotional difficulties or loss, including bereavement, a diagnosable psychological condition, loss of a friend
• Stagnation at work, or loss of a job, losing a promotion

Indeed, knowing how some of these contributors to frustration affect you is instrumental in putting together a plan to overcome further frustration. It isn’t avoiding the source of the frustration, but approaching it with optimism and a carefully-constructed strategy.

When You are Frustrated, What Works to Get Past It?

Perhaps one of the greatest quotes about wisdom is one from Oscar Wilde: “With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.” The takeaway here is that as you get older, you have the ability to learn from prior experience – positive and negative ones. And older brains are not necessarily slower brains, since older adults are able to benefit from accumulated wisdom. In other words, they cope better in certain situations because they know what works or has worked in the past, they’re more impervious to criticism and have the confidence to know how to make the right decisions.

Various coping methods for frustration recommended by psychologists, psychiatrists and other mental health professionals include some that are no-cost or low-cost, as well as some that may involve a financial expenditure from consulting with a professional.

• Breathing exercises
• Meditation practice
• Yoga
• Communications skills
• Emotional and/or physical techniques to release frustration
• Physical exercise
• Relaxation activities
• Travel
• Taking up a hobby or pastime
• Cognitive restructuring
• Learning how to release emotion
• Psychological counseling or therapy

Why not take up exercise as one of the first lines of defense against frustration? A 2015 study reported in Psychoneuroendocrinology found that exercise offers an acute stress-buffering effect. Besides, it’s quick and convenient to take a walk outside, getting fresh air into your lungs and gaining a fresh perspective, all of which may temper your frustration and boost your mood.

There are times when saying you’re sorry makes sense. You bumped into someone. You said something hurtful. You yelled. You arrived late to lunch. You missed a friend’s birthday.

But many of us over-apologize. That is, we apologize for things we don’t need to apologize for.

Kelly Hendricks knew she had a problem with over-apologizing when she bumped into a tree and blurted out, “I’m sorry!” Hendricks used to apologize for everything, she said.

Many of us apologize for everything, too. We apologize for needing space and for needing help. We apologize for “bothering” someone. We apologize for crying and for saying no. We apologize for apologizing. And maybe we even apologize for who we are. Maybe we even apologize for existing.

Where does this persistent impulse come from?

According to Manhattan psychotherapist Panthea Saidipour, LCSW, “There are so many different roots that over-apologizing can stem from.”

It might originate from feeling inadequate, unworthy and not good enough, said Hendricks, a couple and family therapist in San Diego. “Those who over-apologize often feel like a burden to others, as if their wants and needs are not important…”

Feeling like a burden also can play out in this way, said Saidipour, who works with young professionals in their 20s and 30s who want to gain a deeper understanding of themselves: You’re having a hard time, and your partner has been incredibly supportive. They listen to you and clear their schedule to be with you. But, instead of feeling grateful when your partner does something kind, you apologize for being so needy and for making them “go through the trouble.”

In short, it’s like you “apologize for having any needs at all,” Saidipour said. This might derive from being raised by a parent who had unmet or overwhelming needs, and thereby “had a low tolerance or even contempt for your needs.”

Over-apologizing also can stem from a self-worth that’s shackled to shame. Saidipour noted that shame says “I am bad” (versus guilt, which says “I did something bad”). Shame “pushes us to hide ourselves, our needs, our core badness.” Sometimes, guilt can conceal shame, she said: “I did something bad because I am bad.”

(You can recognize that shame is at the root if you chronically feel guilty for something even though you’ve sincerely apologized and adjusted your behavior, Saidipour said.)

You might over-apologize because you want to be seen as a “good person,” Hendricks said. Like many people, maybe you were praised and rewarded for putting others first, she said. Maybe you learned that it’s best to sacrifice yourself for others, or to think less of yourself (because being humble is being good!).

Another reason for over-apologizing comes from wanting to “avoid conflict at all costs,” Saidipour said. Because you fear “where that conflict can lead. Fears often have an understandable history behind them, and they make perfect sense if we understand the context.”

She shared this example: You’re quick to apologize to your friends, because you’re worried they’ll get mad at you, and you want to stop the conflict before it ever starts. Maybe you do this because you grew up in a household where conflict sparked screaming matches, harsh punishment and broken objects. Or maybe conflict led to “being iced out and given the cold shoulder, which for a kid can feel tantamount to being abandoned.”

In other words, instead of seeing conflict as an opportunity to understand each other’s perspective, work through the issue, and become closer, you see it as “being hurt, shamed, or emotionally abandoned.”

Sometimes, we over-apologize because we’re afraid to own up to messing up, Saidipour said. “‘Sorry’ actually becomes a demand to be absolved of any wrong-doing.” It says, “I’m sorry, so you can’t be mad at me.” That is, we apologize because we need to feel good about ourselves, and we need to believe we always do the right thing.

So what can you do about your over-apologizing?

Saidipour and Hendricks shared these suggestions.

Delve deeper. Getting to the root of your over-apologizing is first and foremost. Saidipour suggested exploring these questions:

• Do you find yourself feeling guilty instead of grateful when someone is supportive? Is this guilt a familiar reaction to having needs?
• In the past, who’s been unable or unwilling to meet your needs?
• Might “thank you” fit the situation better than “I’m sorry”?
• Are you apologizing out of fear?
• What are you afraid will happen if you have a conflict?
• What have been your experiences with conflict in the past?
• How were these past conflicts resolved?
• Would apologizing mean accepting blame that doesn’t belong to you?

Believe that you matter. Hendricks stressed the importance of believing that you’re just as important as anyone else and your thoughts, words and wants are of value. And it’s OK if you have to “fake it till you make it,” because you don’t believe that you matter. Yet. Try to see every situation, along with your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, through that lens—that, yes, you do indeed matter, she said.

Replace self-defeating thoughts. According to Hendricks, if your mind tells you, “There’s no way you can do this,” you might say: “Yes, I can, and this is how I will,” or “I may not know how I will get there, but I will do my best to find out.”

Psychologist Mary Plouffe, Ph.D, suggested transforming self-defeating thoughts by considering these questions: “Would I say that to anyone else I wanted to support? … Is there anything useful that can come out of my holding onto this thought? If not, how can I transform it into something I can use to help me? Does it reflect the truth or just my worst fears about myself and the world?”

Be intentional about what you consume. If we consistently read or hear messages that say we’re not important or enough, over time, these words will become belief systems that strengthen our insecurity and self-doubt— and lead us to needlessly apologize, Hendricks said.

She noted that there are many conflicting messages about who we’re supposed to be, and how we’re supposed to think and act. “Men are supposed to be sensitive, but also strong enough to take care of a family; they are supposed to anticipate a woman’s needs while also knowing when to speak and when to listen.” Women, she said, are criticized for everything.

“With all the noise out there, it’s vital to pay attention and filter what messages are flying your way.”

Be particular about the people in your life. Surround yourself with people who “support your right to an opinion, even if it’s different than their’s, who make room for your wants and needs, and who treat you as a person with value,” Hendricks said.

Seek therapy. Working with a therapist can be invaluable in helping you gain a deeper understanding into why you over-apologize and do something about it.

Take the example of shame: Shame conceals the parts of ourselves that feel bad and unlovable. These parts have been in a kind of “deep freeze with layers and layers of shame around them to try to keep them from being discovered,” said Saidipour. Therapy involves creating a safe relationship with a therapist so you can first become aware of this shame.

“Over time in therapy we can get curious together about the backstory of the how, when, and why those parts got sent to deep freeze, who sent them there, and why they’re wrapped up with so much shame. This process, of being deeply known to another person and of creating a narrative together about the origins of those shame-laden frozen parts, starts to dissolve the shame and thaw those parts of ourselves so that we can live more fully and freely moving forward.”

Typically, this shame is tied to parts of ourselves that weren’t accepted or understood as we were growing up. Which leads us to think that these parts are clearly awful (and must be hidden). Therapy can help us realize that they’re not so shameful, after all—and maybe even gain a new appreciation for them, Saidipour said.

Your tendency to over-apologize can be an important clue into what you need to work on. And that’s a good thing. Because once you know what’s driving your seemingly automatic apologies, you can start making meaningful changes.

Projection is a defense mechanism commonly used by abusers, including people with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder and addicts. Basically, they say, “It’s not me, it’s you!”

When we project, we’re defending ourselves against unconscious impulses or traits, either positive or negative, that we’ve denied in ourselves. Instead we attribute them to others. Our thoughts or feelings about someone or something are too uncomfortable to acknowledge. In our mind we believe that the thought or emotion originates from that other person or thing. We might imagine “She hates me,” when we actually hate her. We might think someone else is angry or judgmental, yet are unaware that we are.

Similar to projection is externalization, when we blame others for our problems rather than taking responsibility for our part in causing them. It makes us feel like a victim. Addicts often blame their drinking or drug use on their spouse or boss.

Our coping strategies reflect our emotional maturity. Projection is considered a primitive defense because it distorts or ignores reality in order for us to function and preserve our ego. It’s reactive, without forethought, and is a defense that children use. When used by adults, it reveals less emotional maturity and indicates impaired emotional development.

Boundaries

Klein famously said that a mother must be able to love her child even as it bites her breast, meaning that a good mother, like a good therapist, with appropriate boundaries and self-esteem, won’t react to the anger and projected badness from her baby. She will love her baby nonetheless.

If instead we had a mother who reacted with anger or withdrawal, her boundaries were weak, and a child’s are naturally porous. We absorbed our mother’s reaction, as if it was a negative statement about our worth and lovability. We developed weak boundaries and shame ourselves. The mother-infant bond may have become negative.

The same thing can happen with a father’s reactions, because a child needs to feel loved and accepted unconditionally by both parents. We can grow up with shame-based beliefs about ourselves and are set up to be manipulated and abused. Moreover, if one of our parents is a narcissist or abuser, his or her feelings and needs, particularly emotional needs, will come first. As a result of shame, we learn ours are unimportant. We adapt and become codependent.

Self-Judgment

It’s common for codependents to have internalized or toxic shame and strong inner critic. As a result, we will find fault with others just as we do with ourselves, often about the same characteristics. We might project our critic onto others and think they’re criticizing us, when in fact it’s our own self-judgment that is being activated. We assume people will judge and not accept us because we judge and don’t accept ourselves. The more we accept ourselves, the more comfortable we are with others. We’re not self-conscious thinking that they’re judging us.

Declining Self-Esteem

In an adult relationship with an abuser or addict, you may not believe you have any rights. Naturally, you go along or put your partner’s needs and feelings, sometimes self-sacrificing at great lengths to please and avoid conflict. Your self-esteem and independence steadily decline. As your partner behaves like a king or queen, you become increasingly dependent, even though your needs aren’t being fulfilled. This allows your partner to easily manipulate, abuse, and exploit you. Your self-doubt grows as your partner projects more shame and criticism onto you.

Meanwhile, you accept the blame and try to be more understanding in the relationship. In vain attempts to win approval and stay connected, you tread on eggshells, fearful of your partner’s displeasure and criticism. You worry about what he or she will think or do. You become preoccupied with the relationship. You stay to prevent your greatest fear — abandonment and rejection and losing hope of finding lasting love. You may begin to believe that no one would want you or that the grass isn’t greener. Your partner might even say that in an attempt to project their shame and fear onto you. After whittling down your self-esteem, you’re prime to believe it’s true.

Projective Identification

When we have a strong sense of self and self-esteem, we have healthy boundaries. When someone projects something onto us, it bounces off. We don’t take it personally because we realize it’s untrue or merely a statement about the speaker. A good slogan to remember is Q-TIP, “Quit taking it personally!”

However, when we have low self-esteem or are sensitive about a specific issue, such as our looks or intelligence, we are susceptible to believing a projection as a fact. We introject the projection. This is because, internally, we agree with it. It sticks like a magnet, and we believe it’s true. Then we react to the shaming and compound our relationship problems. Doing so validates the abusers’ ideas about us and gives them authority and control. We’re sending the message that they have power over our self-esteem and the right to approve of us.

Responding to Projective Identification

A projector may exert enormous pressure on you to accept the projection. If you’re empathic, you’re more open, less psychologically defended. If you also have poor boundaries, as described above, you may absorb a projection more easily and identify with them as your own trait.

Understanding how projective identification works is crucial for self-protection. Recognizing the defense can be a valuable tool, for it’s a window into the unconscious mind of an abuser. We can actually experience what he or she is feeling and thinking. Armed with this knowledge, if someone shames us, we realize that he or she is reacting to his or he own shame. It can give us empathy, which is helpful, provided we have good self-esteem and empathy for ourselves! Building self-esteem and disarming our inner critic is our first defense against projection.

Still, you may feel baffled about what to do. When someone projects onto you, simply set a boundary. This gives the projection back to the speaker. You’re establishing a force field — an invisible wall. Say something like one of the following:

• “I don’t see it that way.”
• “I disagree.”
• “I don’t take responsibility for that.”
• “That’s your opinion.”

It’s important not to argue or defend yourself, because that gives credence to the projector’s false reality. If the abuser persists, you can say, “We simply disagree,” and leave the conversation. The projector will have to stew in his or her own negative feelings. Read Confronting Narcissistic Abuse.

© Darlene Lancer 2019

“Thoughts come clearly while one walks.” – Thomas Mann

Walking is an easy form of exercise that provides a long list of benefits for improved mental and physical health. It is also free, which adds to its immense appeal. You can walk anywhere at almost any time, indoors or out, by yourself or with others. Yet, how often do we recognize the incredible value of the simple act of walking? Even if we do give it some thought now and then, it might be worthwhile becoming familiar with research on how walking and moderate exercise boost your mental and physical health.

Go Aerobic for Antidepressant Effects

A 2018 review published in Depression and Anxiety found benefits from aerobic exercise for clinically depressed adult patients. The meta-analysis compared aerobic exercise versus nonexercised comparators. Aerobic exercise in various studies included running on a sport track, stretching and running in place, brisk walking/jogging, cardio fitness machine, cycling/treadmill. Study findings showed a “significant large overall antidepressant effect” on adult patients recruited via mental health services with either a referral or clinical diagnosis of major depression. Also, subgroup analyses found that aerobic exercise brought about large or moderate to large depression improvement in many different delivery formats: equipment-based or equipment-free modalities, outpatient or inpatient cohorts, in or outside a hospital setting, indoors or outdoors, and individually or in groups. Researchers concluded that aerobic exercise is an effective antidepressant intervention.

Aerobic Exercise Can Be Beneficial in Cocaine Addiction Treatment

Cocaine addiction is characterized by cycles of relapse and recovery, with negative emotions and stress that often occur during withdrawal a key factor in relapse. Researchers at the University at Buffalo in a 2018 study using animal models found that regular aerobic exercise (5 days/week, 1 hour at a time) decreased cocaine-seeking behavior induced by stress. Exercise can alter the brain’s mesolimbic dopamine pathway (linked to the reward/reinforcing properties of addictive drugs like cocaine), as well as reduce stress and elevate mood – both key in reducing anxiety and negative emotions during withdrawal. The research team concluded that aerobic exercise could be an effective part of cocaine relapse prevention program, and said further research is necessary to see if the beneficial effects of aerobic exercise hold true for other addictive drugs. Findings were published in Behavioral Brain Research.

Physical Activity Protects Against Depression

In a report published in JAMA Psychiatry, a team of investigators from Massachusetts General Hospital found evidence to strongly support physical activity as a preventive measure against depression. Researchers said that doing more of any physical activity is better than none, suggesting that their rough calculations indicated replacing sitting for 15 minutes with running or an hour of moderately vigorous activity was enough to show an average increase in accelerometer data linked to a lower risk for depression. They said their findings support the hypothesis that engaging in enhanced physical activity may serve as effective prevention strategy for depression.

Physical Exercise Promotes Irisin, Hormone that May Protect Against Alzheimer’s Disease

Besides endorphins released during vigorous workouts, there’s another hormone that is released into circulation during physical activity. Researchers at Columbia University’s Vagelos College of Physicians and Surgeons and Taub Institute for Research on Alzheimer’s Disease and the Aging Brain found that irisin, which previous research showed played a role in energy production, may promote neurogenesis in the hippocampus. In mice studies, irisin was released during swimming, and the animals’ brain synapses and memory were protected. Their findings suggest that irisin could be useful in developing novel ways to treat or prevent Alzheimer’s disease and dementia in humans. They said that development of pharmaceutical drugs containing irisin could benefit older individuals who may have age-related conditions preventing them from physical exercise. For everyone else, researchers encourage exercise to promote brain function and overall health. The study was published in Nature Medicine.

Exercise May Help Fight Depression in Seniors

In a study published in the American Journal of Physiology, researchers at McMaster University found for the first time that physical exercise may help fight depression in seniors by stimulating muscle-generated mood boosters. The study included healthy men aged 65 and older and involved 12 weeks of high-intensity interval training on a stationary bike once a week, combined with strength-training sessions biweekly. Analyzing blood samples and changes to muscle, researchers found that three months of exercise enhanced gene expression in the skeletal muscle. Since muscle loss is common among older individuals, and such loss of muscle may restrict the metabolic pathways promoting mood-boosting chemicals in the brain,  thus potentially leading to depression, increasing exercise to stimulate muscle-generated mood enhancers may help ward off depression.

Exposure to Nature Benefits Mental Health

In a videocast from the National Institutes of Health, Dr. Gregory Bratman discussed the benefits of exposure to nature for mental health. The healing power of nature exposure, he said, is evident from numerous studies with groups exposed to nature or urban settings — whether it be in gardens, green space or horticultural settings, or religious or traditional experiences. Dr. Bratman’s consensus is that exposure to nature may improve mood, reduce anxiety, and even improve cognitive function. Finding ways to incorporate exposure to nature in today’s increasingly urban society is important to overall mental health and well-being.

Older Women Who Walk More Can Reduce Heart Failure Risk

A study from the University at Buffalo of more than 139,000 postmenopausal women aged 50 to 79 showed that walking can significantly lower heart failure risk in older women. Besides reducing overall heart failure risk by 25 percent, walking also benefited two heart failure subtypes: reduced ejection fraction (typically with the worst prognosis), and preserved ejection fraction (common in older adults, especially women. Researchers said that increasing physical activity 30-45 minutes a day is associated, on average, with a risk reduction of 9 percent, 8 percent, and 10 percent, respectively, for overall heart failure, reduced ejection fraction, and preserved ejection fraction, respectively. According to the researchers, preventing heart failure development by promoting increased levels of physical activity, specifically walking, later in life can perhaps reduce the overall burden of heart disease on an aging society.

15 Minutes of Exercise Can Help You Master a New Skill

McGill University researchers demonstrated that exercise promptly after practicing a new motor skill helps with long-term retention. Their study showed specifically that as little as a single bout of cardiovascular exercise for 15 minutes boosts brain connectivity and efficiency. This finding could be important for those in recovery following a stroke or those who have mobility problems after an injury. Next, researchers will look at how sleep interacts with exercise to optimize consolidation of motor memories.   

There is no such thing as a life free of distress. And yet in the distress — by learning to move through it, find strengths that help us cope, and most importantly, not avoid it — we often find the path to growth.

This path, from finding escape from the distress of life to finding growth in it, is also the journey that underlies the recovery from an eating disorder.

“People with eating disorders, like all people, flourish when they feel a sense of agency,” write authors Laura J. Goodman and Mona Villapiano.

In their new book, Eating Disorders: The Journey to Recovery Workbook, 2nd Ed., Laura J. Goodman and Mona Villapiano, both experts in the field of eating disorders, provide not just a newfound depth of understanding of eating disorders — and the complications that often confound them — but the very practices, skills and exercises that highlight the path to recovery.

Since a characteristic feature of recovery from an eating disorder is the increased incidence of relapse, the authors explain how the stages of change affect recovery.

“In attempting to understand the high relapse rate for our clients, we saw that they were able to do well in a highly structured and supportive environment, but on discharge, if they were not in what Prochaska coined the “stage of action” they were increasingly vulnerable to relapse, which, in turn, brought increased feelings of frustration, disappointment, depression, and anxiety, for both the individual and loved ones,” write Goodman and Villapiano.

While the stage of action includes exercising agency in the form of implementing skills and strategies, it is preceded by stages such as pre-contemplation, where denial of the issue continues to cause unwillingness to address it or take steps to overcome it.

It is very common for those struggling with an eating disorder to be in denial, and this is understandable when considering that an eating disorder often serves as a protective shield, hiding vulnerable parts of the self.

Goodman and Villapiano write, “As destructive as they are, eating disorders serve individuals by leaving them feeling protected from something larger and more terrifying than the eating disorder itself.”

However, the effects of restrictive dieting alone can lead to severe and dramatic changes in perception, attitude toward food, thoughts and behavior. Goodman and Villapiano cite a study where 36 men were put a restricted diet for three months and then gradually refed (back to their original caloric intake) for the next nine months, and the participants exhibited many of the same emotional, social, and thinking changes observed in clients with eating disorders.

They write, “What we have learned about the behavior, thoughts, and attitudes we see in those who suffer with eating disorders is that many of the symptoms that we might think of as primary psychiatric symptoms may actually be the artifacts of the restricted eating and weight loss.”

Changing the individual’s relationship toward food is an indispensable component of recovery. Some steps Goodman and Villapiano suggest are: normalizing eating as opposed to dieting; eating smaller, more frequent meals; not skipping meals or allowing ourselves to become too hungry; not dieting; and separating eating from watching television, looking at the computer or phone, reading, or having an emotional discussion.

The underlying beliefs, distortions and misperceptions that fuel an eating disorder can also have wide cultural implications. Goodman and Villapiaono write, “Bridling appetites appears to be women’s lot. Today, in the land of plenty, restraining one’s appetite for food is the moral equivalent to restraining sexual appetite in the 19^th century.”

Body distortion continues to plague women today, leading to astronomical amounts of plastic surgery, liposuction, and breast augmentation procedures, and yet, Goodman and Villapiano tell us, “The frenzied quest for the perfect body at any cost siphons off women’s emotional and physical energy, vibrancy, motivation, creativity and joy.”

What women should be doing is decreasing the superficial focus on themselves, stop reading about celebrities, diets, fitness, and fashion, and instead look for examples of female achievement in academia, research, human rights and social justice.

They write, “In particular, we recommend that you limit the time spent on all forms of electronics and technology, as messages and images conveyed through mass media have been shown to have a negative impact on society.”

While an eating disorder can act to protect a person from pain — especially in the case of trauma — acknowledging the strength in surviving a trauma can offer a tremendous sense of fortitude and courage. Similarly, in learning to move from a life of loneliness, fear, vulnerability and denial to a place of connection, hope, trust, and compassion is, in itself, an act of courage.

Offering a vast breadth of knowledge and clinical expertise, combined with illuminating exercises, strategies and tips, Goodman and Villapiano have provided a much needed addition to the field of eating disorders and what will likely become a vital component of recovery for many.

Eating Disorders: The Journey to Recovery Workbook, 2nd Ed.
Routledge, November 2018
Paperback, 282 pages