Lisa Find Love

Parents want to raise compassionate, caring children who are prepared for the variety of challenges they will face, who are sensitive to the needs of others, and who know what empathy is and how to express it. The question is: How do we do that?

According to Shauna Tominey, PhD, who specializes in parenting education, it happens in the small, seemingly insignificant conversations we have with our children.

She writes, “Teaching compassion (and related skills like self-awareness, empathy and resilience) begins early and comes from feelings of trust.”

In her new book, Creating Compassionate Kids: Essential Conversations to Have with Young Children, Tominey weaves insights from emotional development, resilience, and parent-child relationships into a practical application for how to teach and foster compassion in children.

At the heart of parenting is a desire to keep our children safe, to protect them from stress, worry, fear and violence.

However, in doing this, most parents miss a critical opportunity to teach children how to cope with challenges. Tominey writes, “We may be teaching our children that they can’t trust us to tell them the truth about challenging topics, or that we don’t trust them with this information.”

Instead, conversations can be used to model compassion, to teach children to value themselves and the world around them, to help children practice the skills they needs to face challenges, and to encourage children to reach beyond themselves.

When parents convey the message to their children that they are loved and will be loved for who they become, parents lay the groundwork for secure attachment.

“Children with secure attachments tend to have higher self-esteem, stronger critical thinking skills and better academic outcomes than children who don’t,” writes Tominey.

One key difference Tominey highlights is in how we discipline our children. Parents who employ a punitive approach, such as spanking or harsh words, use power in place of connection.

She writes, “Punitive approaches work by making children feel afraid or by inducing shame.”

Alternatively, when parents use a conversational approach, trust is built between parents and their children as children learn that their needs and feelings matter. Moreover, they learn how to cope with challenges.

As children have their own unique temperaments, strengths and challenges, responding to them without judgement helps them learn self-awareness, and eventually, to treat others as they would like to be treated.

On the subject of how to respond when someone makes fun of your child, Tominey suggests first responding to your child’s emotional experience, reassuring them that the words are not true, and then talking to them about why people may say hurtful words.

Similarly, developing resilience begins with protective factors, such as warm and responsive parenting, having secure and trusting relationships with an adult, being able to manage intense emotions and cope with stress, and being able to create lasting friendships and a network of support.

Tominey writes, “One of the benefits of introducing challenging topics to children at young ages is having the opportunity to shape the way your child is exposed to a topic rather than relying on a friend at school or the news to inform your child.”

Some helpful tips Tominey suggests are: start with conversations that are meaningful to your children; learn what they already know; share your feelings; help your child practice skills to cope with the issue now and in the future; and reassure children that they are safe while also focusing on what you can do together to be a helper for others.

Differentiating between positive, tolerable and toxic stress is also important to help children navigate challenges. While positive stress can inspire psychological growth, tolerable stress can be mitigated by supportive and loving relationships. Toxic stress, however, occurs when children do not have warm and trusting relationships.

When children do experience stress, Tominey’s suggestion is to “use those situations as learning opportunities.”

Extending compassion to others and looking for opportunities to connect with the community, the world around them and the needs of others, is another important way for parents to teach and model compassion for their children.

Learning kindness, however, begins at home. Tominey writes, “Children learn how to interact with others from the relationships they know. The relationships parents have with their children show them how to treat others and teach them how they can or should expect to be treated.”

Preparing children for the world they will face may seem overwhelming for many parents. Yet, through the conversations they have, the way they respond to their children and the world around them, parents have a lot more power than they might imagine.

With numerous examples of everyday conversations, Creating Compassionate Kids demystifies the process and shows parents just how to use their conversations to instill essential messages for their children. The result is not only more compassionate kids, but likely more compassionate parents.

Creating Compassionate Kids: Essential Conversations to Have with Young Children
W.W. Norton & Company, January 2019
Paperback, 260 pages

People today are lonely. Even though people are wired to connect with others, many don’t have the friendships they need. In The Friendship Cure: Reconnecting in the Modern World, Kate Leaver shares stories and experiences about friendship in today’s world and she tries to explain why friendships are so important.

Our culture works against friendships. We are taught to build up ourselves as individuals and to be successful. As a result, we are unsure about how to truly connect with each other. It takes effort to prioritize people in our lives. Only when we are willing to put relationships above our professional success and ambitions are we able to connect with others.

Weaver brings in a lot of pop culture, referencing people like Taylor Swift and her “squad goals.” For some, Swift emulates the ideal — a life where people embrace other people in their personal circles. The implication is that other women aspire to the same squad goals seen with celebrities. Although many of her stories are geared toward women, she also includes a chapter about bromance, friendship between guys, in addition to a chapter about whether or not men and women can be friends, again referencing pop culture with the movie When Harry Met Sally.

Leaver discusses work friendships and how those can make an impact on how people feel about the workplace. It only takes one good friend to make an unpleasant job more appealing. But it is impossible for people to find that connection at work if they think of the workplace only as a professional environment.

Leaver also considers online friendships. Being online makes it very easy to find new friends that have a lot in common. Yes, there is a lot of superficiality with loose connections on a platform like Facebook, but Leaver says these platforms could instead be viewed as a way to bring people together with common interests. It enables people to find others they would not necessarily come across in their day-to-day lives. Rather than critically viewing the internet as a tool that serves only to isolate us, it could be a technology that instead brings us together.

Leaver references some popular apps for connections such as Tinder — although that is definitely not one people use to seek friendship. However, there are other apps available with a clear goal of establishing friendships rather than casual connections. The opportunity is there to use technology to get people connected in real life.

Finally, Leaver addresses friendship breakups — not something people talk about often, although it happens. She shares stories of people who had to break up with a toxic friend and those who found themselves getting broken up with, and the resulting surprise and hurt when it happened.

The bottom line is that almost everyone experiences loneliness at some point in their lives. Research demonstrates loneliness is a health epidemic that can make us physically sick and produce medical symptoms. And living in a culture that is about success and personal ambition causes people to work more, resulting in less energy and time to connect with others, further increasing feelings of loneliness.

Only toward the end of the book does she get into the mental health implications of the lack of friendships. She shares some of her personal experience, noting that depression comes, in part, from loneliness and that people need friendships for mental wellness. When people have friendships, they also have better physical and mental well-being.

The Friendship Cure is presented as a popular science and sociology book, which is appropriate. It is a study of friendship based on the author’s anecdotes and what we see in popular culture more so than scientific research. Those who have a general interest in friendship and enjoy pop culture references may enjoy The Friendship Cure. And perhaps it will help people understand how important friendship is, how friendships look today and the impact they have on mental health.

The Friendship Cure: Reconnecting in the Modern World
Harry N. Abrams, October 2018
Paperback, 304 pages

Books line shelves in stores that guarantee a pathway to hacking your brain, knowing yourself intimately, overcoming anxiety, whatever. Just name it. Many have the word “toolkit” in them to impress upon individuals the underlying message of “you can do it!” or as Nike would say “just do it.”

But ultimately, are these more of the same old self-help drivel that we all have become so bogged down by? While I’m excited to read any new self-help mental health book that comes my way, there is now a trepidation that accompanies the excited tingle. I’m primarily looking for a few things:

1. Can you keep me engaged and entertained so I’ll actually absorb the information?
2. Are you applying research that is not outdated?
3. Can an individual actually apply the techniques or tools within the text?
4. Are you serving out a dish that has been overdone? Or are you bringing something new to the table?

Jane Ransom delivered handsomely on all of these.

Self-Intelligence: The New Science-Based Approach for Reaching Your True Potential is jam-packed. Ransom does not just deliver research-based tools but supplies anecdotal evidence from her work with clients. She has years of experience working as a coach, master hypnotist and speaker, and her work is evidence of her knowledge and experience. She bares her own vulnerability in the book speaking of how deeply her father’s passing impacted her life and choices. Ransom lays it all out on the pages of her book — mind and soul.

The chapters are all formatted similarly. There is an opening trivia question regarding the chapter’s topic, and she reveals the correct answer at the end of the chapter. She provides anecdotes to open the topic up and then she cracks it wide with research-laden information about the particular tool.

She lays out the research in a manner that is conversational and accessible to readers — no PhDs required! There are additional sections within the chapters that hone in on particular studies to really get into the details. She walks readers through these tools in how they impact work, fitness, finance, and relationships. There is little room for confusion in her explanations and her tone is inspiring and empowering. If all of that is not enough for the reader, she adds a cherry to the chapter by including funny cartoons that are related to the chapter’s topic.

The depth and breadth of techniques Ransom supplies are remarkable. One chapter is devoted to utilizing dreams to solve problems. Another chapter is about harnessing the power of laughter. The final chapter on self-forgiveness may rock some to their core.

Not sure where to start? Ransom supplies a summary of each chapter at the end of the book. It is a great place to start if you think there might be a specific chapter you want to read first.

What I particularly liked most about this book was the manner in which she broke down the book into separate parts, each defined by a specific “self” that she identifies for the readers. The five parts are:

• Programming Your Subconscious Self
• Conditioning Your Conscious Self
• Thinking Through Your Embodied Self
• Integrating Your Social Self
• Vitalizing Your Striving Self

This breakdown was one that deeply resonated for me as I view individuals as having multiple parts (or “selves” as Random identifies them). Seeing how she takes a holistic approach to self-intelligence by addressing each part/self was eye-opening and validating. I appreciated that she supplies an explanation of these selves for those who are unfamiliar with these concepts.

The one complaint that I do have is that there were a few chapters where the phrase “research show” was used as an opening for a paragraph repeatedly. One chapter in particular stuck out because this phrase opened two consecutive paragraphs. While most people may read this book one chapter a week, for those who are trying to binge through it, this phrase becomes monotonous and almost encourages an eye roll. However, this is truly the only complaint that I have about the book.

Jane Ransom’s Self-Intelligence is a delightful and an insightful read. There are several tools and techniques from the book I have started implementing (who doesn’t want to hack their dreams?). I would recommend this to everyone, from the self-help guru to the novice just dipping their toes in. Gift it to yourself, your neighbor, grandchild, recent college graduate, or even a grumpy boss. Perhaps they are needing a little more self-intelligence.

Self-Intelligence: The New Science-Based Approach for Reaching Your True Potential
Fair Winds Press, November 2018
Paperback, 288 pages

Pain is a big deal to millions of Americans who suffer with it. The figures are staggering: over 80 percent of adults have lower back pain at some point in their lives, while about 31 million experience lower back pain at any given time. Americans experiencing pain from migraine is about 39 million. As for chronic pain, more than 4 million people say they experience this debilitating pain (15 or more days a month). Finding smarter ways to deal and cope with pain is not only a high priority for all of us who have it, but also for governmental agencies – like the National Institutes of Health, National Institute on Drug Abuse, the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health – who are searching for non-opioid pain relief methods, medications and therapies.

Changing to a Low-Carb Diet May Help Relieve Knee Osteoarthritis

Researchers at the University of Alabama at Birmingham found that a low-carbohydrate diet can help reduce some of the pain caused by osteoarthritis of the knee. Comparing a low-carb diet to a low-fat diet in study participants (aged 65 to 75 and suffering from osteoarthritis), researchers found the low-carb diet was more effective at reducing intensity of pain. Other study findings were that the low-carb diet both increased participants’ quality of life, and reduced serum levels of adipokine leptin and an oxidative stress marker. Researchers noted that many people take pain medications to help soften pain, which may require other drugs to offset the side effects those drugs cause. But a benefits of the low-carb diet include potentially reduced risk for heart disease and diabetes, as well as reductions in weight gain. The quality of diet and the types of food consumed has more to do with reduced pain than weight loss, said researchers of their findings.

Psychotherapeutic Interventions for Chronic Pain Improve Functioning and Quality of Life

A 2019 study published in the International Journal of Psychiatry in Medicine evaluated studies of non-drug treatments for chronic pain and described alternative treatment approaches and cited studies with substantial evidence favoring such treatments. Researchers found that evidence-based psychotherapy (cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, acceptance and commitment therapy, or ACT, and mindfulness-based programs) are safe and effective and improve both functioning and quality of life in those with chronic nonmalignant pain. Authors suggest these psychotherapeutic interventions may be used as adjunct or alternative to pharmacological chronic pain management.

Mindfulness May Help People Feel Less Pain

How is it that some people are less bothered by pain than others? Even those with the same medical condition resulting in pain, whether acute or chronic, can have different reactions to the same pain. In a follow-up study to one done in 2015 comparing mindfulness meditation and placebo pain reliever, researchers at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center sought to find out if a person’s innate (or natural) level of mindfulness was somehow associated with lower pain sensitivity and, if so, to determine the specific brain mechanisms involved. Participants (who had never meditated before) first took the Freiburg Mindfulness Inventory to determine their baseline mindfulness levels. They then received mildly painful heat stimulation (120 degrees F) while undergoing magnetic resonance imaging (MRI). Researchers found that mindful people were less caught up in the pain experience, and this was associated with their self-reports of lower pain. Noting that their earlier research showed that mindfulness can be increased with relatively short periods of training in mindfulness meditation, mindfulness could be an effective way for the millions of people who experience chronic pain to get pain relief.

Whole Body Swedish Massage Can Reduce Knee Pain

Osteoarthritis limits movement and diminishes overall quality of life, yet few treatments are effective to provide pain relief. A new study, funded by the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health (NCCIH), reveals that whole body Swedish massage, administered weekly, significantly reduces knee pain and stiffness, and improved function. Swedish massage involves kneading, vibration and friction. Study participants had gains in physical function, timed 50-foot walk, and improved pain and stiffness after 8 weeks of regular weekly massage therapy. Researchers noted that the study size was small, and that results may not be generalizable to other groups.

Non-Opioid Bupivacaine Liposome Is Effective for Post-Operative Pain

First approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in 2011 for the management of post-surgical pain, bupivacaine liposome (marketed as Exparel) is a non-opioid local analgesic that is long-acting. It is used for local post-surgical analgesia and for pain relief following surgeries of the shoulder. Surgeons inject the “packets” of Exparel and the medication slowly releases over a period of three days to provide pain relief. The medication may eliminate or decrease the need for opiate medications to control pain.

Music Therapy

Another alternative to opioid medications – and a smarter way to deal with pain – involves music therapy. A study published in the Journal of Advanced Nursing found that music therapy helped biopsy patients before, during, and after the procedure and is effective in relieving anxiety and pain associated with the biopsy procedure. Other research has similarly found that while in the hospital, in situations where they may otherwise be given opiate medications, patients were exposed to guitar playing and singing. This was deemed to be the patient-preferred mode. This novel form of music therapy is detected by the same brain area that processes pain. It distracts from pain while simultaneously relaxing the patient.

Radiofrequency Ablation

Radiofrequency ablation is a process that uses radio waves to disable a nerve so it’s unable to communicate pain to the brain. Doctors target a nerve that comes out of the singular vertebrate for the radiofrequency ablation. This technique may provide a level of pain relief for some time before repeating the process. A study reported in Regional Anesthesia and Pain Medicine found that, among patients treated with radiofrequency ablation, a common treatment modality for chronic axial spine pain in Ontario, Canada, significantly reduced healthcare utilization occurred in the 12 months following the procedure. Another important finding was that some patients who prior to the radiofrequency ablation procedure received opioids, did not require a postoperative opioid prescription, and eliminated opioid use.

Acting like an adult means regulating our emotions. It is about recognizing our habitual patterns of responding, taking responsibility for them, and changing our behavior to better help us navigate our lives.

However, for many people, it is easier said then done.

“Something keeps getting in the way of you mastering this thing called adulthood,” writes Laura Fielding.

In her new book, Mastering Adulthood: Go Beyond Adulting to Become an Emotional Grown-Up, Fielding offers a comprehensive guide to developing healthy emotional habits that help us better navigate challenges and, in the process, develop emotional strength.

“Every day, each of us is tasked with the business of adulting — taking on responsibilities that are the price of entry into the life we want to build while we’re on the planet,” writes Fielding.

In the process, we develop emotional habits of thinking, feeling and acting that are designed to minimize discomfort and maximize comfort.

Fielding writes, “It’s not what you do that is really the problem, but the purpose or function of the habit that starts to sabotage you.”

While our habits are often interpreted as our personalities, personalities can be somewhat flexible. At one end of the spectrum, we can wall ourselves off, over-focusing on our self-definition, and at the other end, we can become too focused on what others need from us and lose sight of our own goals.

However, as Fielding notes, “The key to successfully transitioning into and throughout adulthood is to learn how to skillfully and flexibly adopt what works in a particular context.”

The part of yourself that will help you navigate adulthood is not the reactive part, but rather, the observant part.

Fielding writes, “It’s from this place of ownership, rather than reactivity, that you can learn to more skillfully negotiate the bumpy terrain of life.”

However, repeated negative experiences can make us afraid to feel our emotions, or avoidant of them altogether. Fielding describes her client, Gavin, who, after growing up in an alcoholic and emotionally abusive family, had learned to avoid his anger. Over time, he’d learned to associate anger with anxiety and a feeling of powerlessness. He then acted in ways that confirmed his feelings.

“Emotions become extra confusing when we have secondary emotions, or an emotion about an emotion, because they send an ineffective message,” writes Fielding.

Beliefs also can influence how we interpret the world around us and can shift thoughts from conscious actions to automatic assumptions.

Fielding writes, “The stories we collect from experience and our tribe become tacit assumptions or unconscious rules about how the world works.”

Our power is in our actions, in the daily habits that combined create — or do not create — the life we want.

Taking action, however, requires that we first recognize that our perceptions of the events in our lives — Fielding calls these “passengers in our mind-body vehicle” — affect how we respond at any given time.

It is from the observant part of us that we can begin to notice our internal reactions that, Fielding tells us, are based on old programming.

One exercise Fielding suggests is to write down an incident where we might be holding on to blame or judgment, then, after noticing how we feel, go back and underline all of the facts, circle the emotions related to the facts and rewrite the incident without any judgement or causal interpretations.

Becoming more mindful — noticing and labeling our emotions, our triggers and our impulses — not only helps us identify our thoughts and feelings, but separate them, which is an essential skill.

Fielding writes, “Making the distinction between what you think about a fact and how you feel emotionally is going to be super important for later deciding which skill to apply to which piece of your internal experience.”

Life is full of limitations and choices, but our values do not have to abandoned altogether. Rather, by prioritizing our choices and understanding that we can feel uncertainty and discomfort and still pursue our goals, we can learn to accept life on life’s terms.

Another exercise Fielding suggests is to make a list of any and all actions we can take that would move us toward our values, and then, after rating how much distress each one would cause, choose the three easiest actions to commit to in the next week.

“The iterative process of commitment to values and commitment to skills is how you start transitioning out of your autopilot emotional habits, which keep your emotion-thought-action system rigid, and into the life you want,” writes Fielding.

Fielding’s book is filled with tips on how to become more aware of our emotions, automatic reactions, and impulses, how to develop mindfulness and the ability to tolerate uncertainty, how to cultivate willingness to cope with challenging emotions, how to use wisdom to investigate our thoughts, and how to pursue our goals in spite of setbacks. Mastering Adulthood reads like an owner’s manual for the adult self.

Mastering Adulthood: Go Beyond Adulting to Become an Emotional Grown-Up
New Harbinger, January 2019
Paperback, 224 pages

Each of us has preconceived notions about everything—beliefs that are shaped by our society, pop culture, and the people closest to us.

And therapy is no exception.

In fact, because there’s so little information on therapy, we tend to hold a lot of beliefs about what we think goes on. One reason for this lack of information is that it’s actually intentional.

That is, according to Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a psychologist in Pasadena, Calif., therapy is intentionally mysterious. “Therapists are legally bound to keep the contents of their sessions confidential, so everything that is said behind that closed door stays there.” (There are a few exceptions.)

“We therapists are professional secret keepers, so you may hear general concepts about therapy from us, but specific details about real identified clients is off limits for us,” Howes said.

We also don’t exactly trade stories about therapy. Most people who see a therapist keep it to themselves. They fear that others will think they’re “weak or crazy,” Howes said, even though it’s the complete opposite: “It’s the most courageous and humble people who are willing to reach out for help or to make a good life great.”

But because of the secrecy, shame, and inherent mystery of therapy, we rely on depictions in Hollywood to fill in the gaps—most of which are either “sensationalized or wildly distorted,” Howes said.

“A quick glance at the therapists on TV and in the movies reveals a parade of sadistic, seductive, magical, or inept therapists who make for great characters but poor representations of the profession. Most therapists aren’t like Dr. Phil, Lisa Kudrow, or Richard Dreyfus in ‘What About Bob?’”

Another reason many of us know so little about therapy is “because there is as much variety of clinical methods as there are patient concerns, making it often difficult to describe standard methods and treatment approaches,” said Alicia H. Clark, Psy.D, a psychologist in Washington D.C., and author of the book Hack Your Anxiety: How to Make Your Anxiety Work for You in Life, Love and Work. It’s tough to “describe how therapy works when treatment is highly individualized,” she said.

So, in other words, it’s not surprising that therapy can surprise us—and you just might be surprised by the information below.

Therapy is preventative. We often think that therapy is for crises. We think we need to go when our world has exploded: when we’ve faced an excruciating loss, when we’ve been blindsided by infidelity, when we’ve suffered some terrible trauma. So it might surprise you to learn that therapy is actually “one of the best methods of preventative health care you can do for your mind and your body before problems get too big,” said Tara Fairbanks, Ph.D, a therapist in Santa Monica who works with adults and couples.

Therapy involves doing intentional work on the most significant areas of our lives, such as: “your relationships, your emotional reactions to significant events and life transitions, your patterns of interacting with the world,” she said.

Therapy can be exciting and fascinating. Many people dread therapy, and are afraid of it. “There seems to be a common misperception that therapists judge and diagnose patients, leaving people feeling worse about themselves and less confident,” Clark said. However, a therapist’s job, she said, is to help you harness your strengths, and to feel more confident about yourself and your life overall.

Clark’s clients who initially thought therapy was scary regularly tell her that they wonder why they waited so long to come in. They enjoy the process and look forward to their sessions with her. They “ultimately marvel at realizing how powerful it can be to face things they have let hold them back for too long, and find better, more effective solutions,” she said.

Howes noted that clients who were initially anxious about therapy actually become excited about it. “Therapy is like taking a class where you are the topic, and learning what made you the person you are today can be fascinating material. It starts with a therapist who is genuinely curious about who you are and what makes you tick, and for some this curiosity is a new and interesting approach.”

And this approach helps you to look at yourself through a new—inquisitive, kinder, less judgmental—lens, as well. Clients have told Howes: “I felt upset with my partner the other day, and then I asked myself why I was feeling that way, and here’s what I came up with….” “I wonder why I’m always chasing unavailable partners.” “What am I really looking for in a career?”

Therapy can be a relief. “[A]n initial surprise people tend to experience is a feeling of relief,” said Katrina Taylor, LMFT, a psychotherapist in Austin, Texas, who specializes in helping men and women address childhood and traumatic experiences that may be holding them back from living a full and meaningful life.

The relief often stems from “speaking to a trained professional and having the experience of being known and understood,” which “can be powerfully healing.” It is powerful when our experiences, pain, and raw emotions are acknowledged and recognized by someone who isn’t judging us at all. It’s powerful when we realize we’re not alone or weird or broken.

Many clients also tell Taylor they feel unburdened, “sharing…what was previously overwhelming, secret, or even unable to be put into words.”

Therapy is unsurprising. “Some people come to therapy expecting that an incredible insight or breakthrough awaits them in each session,” Howes said. Maybe you expect your therapist to be a kind of healer or wizard, he said. But while most therapists are highly skilled and will help you discover important information about yourself, they’re also real people.

As Howes clarified, therapy is just “two real people focusing on you and your issues and trying to connect the dots and problem solve together.” For some, he said, this is disappointing. But others find comfort in knowing “they don’t need to feel better immediately or take the therapists’ opinions as gospel truths.” They also find comfort and safety in therapy’s predictability and consistency.

“We meet at the same time each week, my office decor doesn’t change much, I have a consistent curiosity and positive feeling toward [my clients],” Howes said. “They enjoy the dependability of our interaction. It’s like life gives them enough surprises, and therapy is one place they don’t have to brace themselves for a radical change each week.”

Therapy is hard work. “Unlike a medical doctor, a therapist typically doesn’t ‘do something’ to you, you’re an active participant in the process,” Taylor said. Therefore, the more active, honest, and vulnerable clients are willing to be, the more they’ll get out of the process.”

What does being active look like?

According to Taylor, it means taking the lead in sessions. For instance, you might reflect on what you’d like to discuss in therapy and what you’d like to work on. Instead of waiting for the therapist to bring up a topic, you bring in your own topic.

Therapy requires clients to be introspective, and to honestly explore relationships patterns and personal foibles, and “to be willing to take risks to do something different,” Taylor said.

In fact, most of the work happens outside the therapy office. Because you’re working on applying what you learn in therapy to various situations in your life.

Therapy can help even the most self-ware among us. Many of Fairbanks’s clients and friends wonder what therapy can do when they already have a lot of insight into their challenges and relationships. Maybe they realize they get into relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable. Maybe they know they work too hard at trying to feel lovable.

But what has surprised her clients is that this knowledge, which previously hasn’t led to tangible changes, does so in therapy. That’s because therapy “is like having a safe practice ground to translate insight into new patterns.”

Therapy is a great place to rehearse, take action, and experiment. According to Fairbanks, this might look like first practicing assertiveness skills with your therapist, and then using them with your partner, colleagues, parents, and friends. This might look like working through old wounds that created shame, and then adopting self-compassion—sharing your authentic self with your therapist, and with others, believing you’re “worthy of love and respect and seeking relationships with people who treat [you] as such.”

I see therapists as surgeons of the soul who have learned to help clean out the wounds of clients who come to us for healing themselves and then sew them back up. It is an honor to be in that role. It doesn’t come without its own challenges. One came up recently that I have needed to address and remember the adage, “Healer, heal thyself.”  

It began with a bit of muffling in my hearing in my right ear. As a swimmer in my youth, I was accustomed to ‘swimmer’s ear’ with a sloshing feeling, but this felt entirely different. I swallowed and it cleared for a bit. Then it leapt across my head to the left. I tapped into what I knew to do; wax dissolving ear drops, anti-histamine, essential oils massaged around the outside of the ears. My holistically- and medically-oriented friends had other suggestions, with one being visiting my PCP and have him flush out the ear canals. As I am wont to do, I chose that as the last resort, thinking I was too busy, or it would somehow clear on its own.

I also consulted the work of Louise Hay, author and speaker whose classic book You Can Heal Your Life  highlights specific physiological and psychological conditions and her take on the emotional contributing causes. Note that it is not meant to be diagnostic or offering medical advice. It is merely something to consider and speaks to the idea that our thoughts are powerful and can influence our sense of wellness or illness.

She relates the ears to the capacity to hear. – Ache: Anger. Not wanting to hear. Too much turmoil. Household arguing.

As someone who is anger avoidant, which I attribute to family patterns of same; rarely was it expressed in my childhood home, I learned to submerge it. In my marital home, it sometimes erupted with ferocity (on occasion words would come out of my mouth that shocked me) while my husband was intimately familiar with explosive expression since that was modeled in his childhood home. As a therapist, I feel called to help clients with assertive but not aggressive verbalizing of their feelings. I often sit with those whose relationships are missing an easy verbal flow. Some have no idea how to say what is in their hearts or on their minds. I listen with presence, taking in what they are saying as we craft conversation with those who matter to them. Some of them are in tumultuous circumstances in which arguing, and anger run rampant.

My ability to hear is crucial, so when my ears began to clog (imagine placing your palms over your ears and holding them there), I felt the fear rising. “What if it doesn’t get better? How will I do my job?” Of course, there are therapists in successful practices who are deaf or hard of hearing, and yet I didn’t want to find myself in that situation.

Over the weekend, I taught two workshops and had to tell the participants my dilemma and asked them to speak a little louder. I practiced lip read skills and on occasion requested that they repeat themselves. I took a deep breath and reassured myself that I had over the years recovered from a series of health crises; shingles, heart attack, kidney stones, knee injury and pneumonia. I had no reason to believe this would be any different.

As I often do, I consider how I would advise a client in the same situation. I would encourage them to remain as calm as they could and weigh the options. Yesterday, I sat with my first client who was in grad school who raised the concept of compassion fatigue in which the person in question feels “all gived out,” and needs to replenish their stores. I added that it contains the paradigm of vicarious traumatization whereby the therapist is immersed in what I call “emotion soup,” and may take on the spillover feelings from clients. For those who are especially empathic (more than merely empathetic) who can sense the emotions as if they are experiencing them it is a particularly intense occupational hazard. I fall into that category and feel as if I need to “shake it off,” when some clients complete their sessions. I leave the office and take a walk around the halls and return a bit more refreshed. As I was with this particular client, I was able to process my own self-care, or lack thereof.

As I had a break later in the day, I knew I had to call my doctor and see if he could fit me in. Blessedly, he could. A few hours later, I found myself perched on the exam table, holding a spillover container to first one ear and then the other, as he flushed out the wax and wonder of wonders, my complete hearing was restored. No infection, no residual impact.  

A relatively simple fix, but one that came after deep exploration of what it means to really listen to my inner voice. I had to be comfortable enough with sitting in relative silence since my chattering monkey mind attempts to distract me. In the midst of the mini-crisis over the weekend, I inquired about what it was that I had not been listening to. It came down to the age-old belief that I could never do enough or be enough, despite the feedback I receive from those I serve. It came down to the worthiness issues I hold. It came down to the shadow I am afraid to face. It came down to the some of the same vulnerabilities that my clients bring to the sessions. It came down to the understanding that if I am to be effective with helping them heal, I need to first have the courage to admit that I can’t be all things to all people. It came down to being authentically vulnerable. It came down to listening to the sounds of silence.

“Pain is not a punishment; pleasure is not a reward.”

Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön shares this thought that flies in the face of common wisdom in her book entitled Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion.

We are taught from an early age that if we do the “right thing,” we will receive what we desire, and if we do the “wrong thing” there will be literal and symbolic hell to pay. This method is used to train children to “be good, or else.”

While there are consequences for all actions, punishment is seen as primarily negative, with the intention of encouraging remorse, while personal accountability for choices made encourages amends with the idea that the original behavior caused harm in some form or fashion to oneself or others. When we make amends, we are doing more than saying we are sorry, instead we are learning ways not to repeat our actions and compensate for the outcome. The analogy I like to use is that if you step on someone’s toes, saying the words “I’m sorry” won’t make the pain or injury go away. Instead, offering help or ice or a chair is intervening positively. The person may feel cared about and the toe-stepper may feel relieved that they do something to compensate, thus falling into the pleasure paradigm.

This mindset leads to the pain/pleasure dichotomy. Most people are motivated by wanting to avoid pain or encourage pleasure. Which is more powerful? The way the human brain operates, we are geared toward taking steps in the direction of what we want and attempt to distance ourselves from what we don’t want, but the paradox is that is we focus on what we don’t want, we get more of same.

Recently I was helping a friend brainstorm ideas for a group she was leading for mental health consumers in a day treatment program. She had an exercise in mind and wanted me to elaborate on it. She was going to ask each person to write down what pain they wanted to avoid and what pleasure they wanted to invite and then put the pieces of paper in a bag. Each person would then reach in and pick one, not knowing whose they chose.

I then suggested that they see how it might relate to their own lives even if the exact experience wasn’t the same. One example might be that someone’s pain and pleasure could be the same if it was a substance they used to self-medicate. Someone who chose that paper might feel in alignment if they had a person in their life who they loved, but with whom they had a dysfunctional relationship. Another could be two opposite ends of the spectrum with enjoying massage and also engaging in self harm. All of those pain related options could be termed addiction.

According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine, an addiction is defined as “a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.”

We further explored the idea that one person’s pleasure could feel shameful or indulgent to someone else, especially if it fell in the sexual realm. One finger wagging, cautionary line I have heard is “Don’t yuck my yum.” What that means is disapproval of another person’s sexual proclivity, relationship style or activity.

I suggested that they also speak of what they were taught about pain and pleasure. The “no pain/no gain” strategy may cause physical and emotional injury. In an article published in the Berkeley Science Review, entitled No Pain, No Gain: The Psychology of Self Punishment, the author Juliana Brenes states that the belief in the value of suffering is what keeps people immersed in the pain part of the equation. If we are convinced that we deserve to suffer, we are more likely to attract painful situations, sometimes deliberately.

How many times has a child touched a hot stove even after getting burned the first time? How often do intelligent adults attract the same type of unhealthy partner following a series of abusive relationships? Knowing better doesn’t always equate to doing better.

Perhaps they were taught that it was selfish to want pleasure when so many other people in the world were deprived of it. Being labeled hedonistic could make someone pleasure averse or avoidant. The term “guilty pleasure” may refer to something deemed a decadent indulgence, like eating junk food or binge-watching Netflix shows. I didn’t experience a pedicure until I was 45 years old since I viewed it in that light. Now I see it, along with a monthly therapeutic massage as part of my essential health care.

Consider the goal of health improvement. Some people are focused on the sacrifices of working out or depriving themselves of food they love in an effort to avoid illness. Perhaps it would be more effective to enjoy the experience of sweating it out at the gym or hiking in the woods, rather than groaning about it. Recently in conversation with someone who started running to lose weight, she said she complained about it in her head all throughout the experience. I encouraged her to find a way to like it, since she was giving her body mixed messages.

When I am at the gym, I use mantras and affirming statements to up the amps on the workout. When I am walking, as I was this morning in a local lakeside park, I paid attention to the additional pleasure of conversing with my friend who strolled alongside me, noticing the natural beauty along the trail. It made the huffing and puffing I did a whole lot more enjoyable and I wasn’t as stiff and sore as I might otherwise have been.

One thing to know for certain is that both pleasure and pain are fleeting. All is impermanent.

Every time I fly the flight attendants are required to do a mini lecture about what I should do if the plane did a Boeing 787 Max 8, and I was spiraling to the ground in a 90,000 pound bullet. I’m told to fasten my seat belt, and take note of the emergency exits. Then, there is always a part about the oxygen masks that will fall from the ceiling above my head:

Oxygen and the air pressure are always being monitored. In the event of a decompression, an oxygen mask will automatically appear in front of you. To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you. Place it firmly over your nose and mouth, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe normally. Although the bag does not inflate, oxygen is flowing to the mask. If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person. Keep your mask on until a uniformed crew member advises you to remove it.¹

Has it ever occurred to you that securing your mask first is awfully selfish? If you’re traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, shouldn’t you help them first? Of course, you know the answer. If you don’t take care of yourself, you might pass out before you finish helping your companions, and then everyone dies. In other words, if you aren’t in a position to function properly, you are no help to anyone.

I recently had the great opportunity to interview Ms. Maureen McQuillan from Indiana University, who co-authored a paper entitled, “Maternal stress, sleep, and parenting”.² Ms. McQuillan makes a strong argument that, just like the airline passenger, when parents take care of themselves, they are able to raise their children with more positive behaviors, such as warmth and responsiveness.

Ms. McQuillan’s study demonstrates the connections between a mother’s sleep quality, her stress levels, and her ability to use positive parenting strategies, particularly during her child’s bedtime routine. These positive parenting strategies likely have important downstream effects for both children’s sleep and their development, as they have been linked with reductions in child behavior problems, for example (Kaminski & Claussen, 2017).³ 

For all of the parents out there, Ms. McQuillan offers these three pieces of advice to improve your sleep and maybe your child’s sleep, too:

1. Get on a consistent sleep schedule. All too often we’re tempted to allow our sleep schedules to fluctuate in an effort to catch up on work and household tasks during the work week and then catch up on sleep on the weekends, but this can have a jet lag effect on our sleep schedules, especially for kids (yes, let’s keep the plane metaphors going). To avoid inconsistent sleep schedules, try to keep your bedtimes and wake times to the same schedule every day, with no more than an hour variation from day to day.
2. Practice a consistent bedtime routine, especially for your child. Children love routines and knowing what to expect. Practicing a consistent routine at bedtime filled with soothing, bonding activities like book reading will help your child settle to sleep each night.
3. Avoid using electronic screens like the tv, iPad, phone, or laptop during the hour before bed. The blue light emitted from these devices can suppress melatonin secretion necessary to help you and your child fall asleep. For other tips on bedtime routines, visit this site that summarizes some of Maureen’s ongoing research: sleeptrain.psych.indiana.edu

I don’t know about you, but my sleep patterns are definitely connected to my mood, and my ability to be kind and rational in the face of the tugs of everyday life. If I don’t get at least 8 hours, I’m a true basket case. My wife might be at the breakfast table, and say, “Can you pass the salt?” And I’ll say, “Oh, right. Here we go again with this crap. Can I pass the salt! Like I don’t know what you’re really trying to say.”

All kidding aside, haven’t you noticed that, when you’re not well-rested, particularly if your lack of rest is due to some stressful situation that is floating around in your brain and not letting go, that you are a fraction of your usual self? If your lack of rest continues for too long, can you feel your inner Cersei Lannister or Ramsey Bolton arising in your soul?

And yet, many parents consider a lack of sleep to be “just part of parenting.” Now, of course, there are going to be times when you have to wake up earlier than you want to, or you are going to be vicariously worrying on behalf of your children. But over the long term, it is important for you to take care of yourself — address your stress, and seek out times to relax and sleep — so that you can be the best version of yourself to your spouse, your children, your friends and coworkers, and yes, yourself.

In the words of an old friend of mine, “there are so many moms who are just drowning in doubt and stress.” How I wish I could encourage those nameless mothers (and fathers) whose doubt and stress need to be assuaged by good sleep, and good cognitive restructuring therapy. In the long run, all your children need is food, water, shelter, safety, and the knowledge that you love them without a shadow of a doubt. Get in touch if you’d like some help thinking through how you might make today a new day, and grab hold of your true potential.

References:

1. https://airodyssey.net/reference/inflight/

2. McQuillan, M. E., Bates, J. E., Staples, A. D., & Deater-Deckard, K. (2019). Maternal stress, sleep, and parenting. Journal of Family Psychology, 33 (3), 349-359. doi: 10.1037/fam0000516

3. Kaminski, J. W., & Claussen, A. H. (2017). Evidence base update for psychosocial treatments for disruptive behaviors in children. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 46(4), 477-499. doi: 10.1080/15374416.2017.1310044

Among the parenting world, many topics can become points of contention. Is this idea the right or wrong way to parent? Will it have a positive or negative effect on our children? Screen time, and specifically time spent watching television, has become one of the most common points of contention.

It is often reported that screen time should be limited, it can stunt development, or it creates aggression. The points people often miss are the benefits of screen time and the effects of passive screen time, meaning second hand exposure to screens through parents or siblings. In this article we’ll explore the possible effects of screen time that we’ve discovered — both positive and negative.

The Positive Effects of Screen Time

Screens are tempting and motivating to children — no one will deny that. Children are being raised in a time when technology and screens are everywhere. They see their parents and friends using them and they want to as well.

This can lead to an increased motivation to participate in activities that they dislike because they are in a medium that they do enjoy. Schools are incorporating more and more technology to harness this desire and children are learning better.

At a young age, children can be exposed to more stimuli and learning material through technology than ever before (though, of course, this doesn’t have to replace person to person learning). This technology also allows expansion in other areas, such as communication and family bonding: Long distance family can now be face to face through a phone. You can see gestures, facial expressions, and even surroundings rather than just hear a voice. Children can build and feel that in-person bond even when being in person is not possible.

On a basic level, screen time at a young age teaches a child skills that will be necessary throughout all stages of their life. It will not only be mandatory to use a computer but assumed that they already have all of the knowledge to know how.

They will need to understand new technology as it emerges in order to keep up in the changing world. Learning technology and screen time is now a basic requirement, just as learning to eat with a spoon or write the ABCs has been in regards to development. Of course there must still always be a balance, but early exposure to screens and technology is not always a bad thing.

The Negative Effects of Screen Time

As with anything, there is also a downside to the increase in technology and screens in our lives.

Children are easily hooked into technology and can form addictions. They cannot always be monitored and can be exposed to inappropriate material. Studies have shown that video games can increase aggression, but generally this is in a child who already had the predisposition to aggression.

Screen time can also reduce person to person interactions and limit social skills. It is becoming more and more rare to see children using their imaginations or playing outside. Instead, it is becoming much more common to see a group of children engrossed in their tablets. This loss of social skills is perhaps the negative issue that bothers people the most.

Along with the psychological and social negatives of screen time, there has also been some discussion and concern about the possible negative physical effects. It is suspected that frequent device use can have damaging effects to eyes, hands, and posture. It is also a concern that the lack of physical activity is contributing to the nation’s obesity epidemic.

The Impact of Second Hand Screen Time

One factor of screen time that people often do not consider is passive screen time or second hand. Most of the time this references when children are seeing things on a screen through another person; for example, parents watching a television show in the background while their children play.

As parents, we see a child deep in play and don’t think that they are paying any attention to what we are doing or watching, but children are very aware of many things and often see things we do not expect them to. This can lead to inappropriate exposure without us even realizing it. Something we see on television as normal can be terrifying to a young child as they may not understand it. Without even realizing it, we may be exposing our children to violence and this factors into the negative impacts screen time can have on children.  

Even something as simple and normal as watching the news can lead to damaging effects on a child who is too young to understand. In a day where terrorism and school violence is almost a daily topic, the news is scary and can have impacts on children even when we do not intend it.

Another factor we tend to forget or ignore is commercials. Commercials for horror movies or sexual products are allowed on almost all stations and, even if we are watching a show that is innocent enough, we can still inadvertently expose our children to traumatizing or inappropriate subject matter.

The Effects of Our Own Personal Screen Time Behavior

Another part of our screen time that we do not often consider is the impact we have on our children by being attached to our screens. Just as we worry about our children over using or become addicted to screens, we as adults often don’t even realize issues with our own behavior because it is just seen as normal.

More and more children are complaining about feeling second to a parent’s phone or that their parents spend more time with their phone, computer, tablet, or television than they do with them. We may innocently tell them to hold on when they try to tell us something because we want to see something or read something, but that innocent few seconds tells the child that what we are doing is more important than they are.

This is not to say that we should never make them wait or never use technology, but we should find a balance. Rather than always seeing that time that they are engaged in play as an opportunity to watch a show or check our phone, get down and play with them sometimes.

Try pausing the television when they want our attention so we can engage fully with our children. Perhaps they will interrupt less because they do not feel neglected!

Finding the Balance

This is definitely not a battle that will ever be won by an all or nothing approach and the answer is not the same for everyone. There needs to be a balance between child, parent, and non-screen time. Every family will have different needs and every child and parent will need to discover what works for them.

There will also be days where the normal routine and expectation just doesn’t work. Some days — like when a parent is sick — more screen time will be needed to help entertain a healthy and rambunctious child. Other days — like when a parent has a special day off of work — there will be less screen time and more interacting.

It’s also okay to make screen time interactive. Use a television show as special time together. Make it something special to watch together and then discuss after. In short, it doesn’t have to be another parent battle.  Use your best judgement since you are the one who knows your child best and know what is good for them and you as a family.

That is a legitimate question posed by people who have felt challenged with the paradigm of dating, mating and relating. Perhaps they have been through a series of dysfunctional unions that have had them shaking their heads in bewilderment, wondering why they keep meeting the same person in different bodies. Could be that the love of their life has died, and they have difficulty believing that they could be emotionally or physically intimate with another. Maybe they grew up in a home where love was mixed with abuse and they didn’t want to replicate that in their own lives.

A book that addresses all of those issues is called Safe to Love Again: How to Release the pain of Past Relationships and Create the Love You Deserve. It was penned by Gary D. Salyer, Ph.D., whose therapeutic practices, writing and speaking is inspired by Attachment Theory as taught by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman. The book is more than a treatise on love but filled with how-to tools and skill sets that even those who are not particularly relationship savvy can put to practical use. Rare is an author who is also able to tailor a book for therapists to enhance their own clinical practice.

Many enter into relationships in an unconscious fashion as they toss the dice and hope for the best.

Salyer breaks down the general concepts of Attachment Theory into his own treatise:

Four Feelings that create what he calls lasting love

1. Welcomed with Joy
2. Worthy and Nourished
3. Cherished and Protected
4. Empowered with Choice

He adds that love depends on six rights:

1. The Right to Exist
2. The Right to Have Your Needs Met
3. The Right to Separate and Belong
4. The Right to Create Your Own Experience
5. The Right to Assert with Voice and Choice
6. The Right to Love and Be Loved

How did your own childhood experiences shape the man you are now?

At first, it left an indelible impression on my psyche. Now, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. On the other side of learning my lessons and rewiring my brain for secure love, it has given me the gravity well of experience which created my new theory, enabled me to write the book and still enables me to sit in the chair of transformation with my clients. In other words, it gives me depth and weight.

I believe my story is similar to famed psychologist Harry Stack Sullivan. Just as it was his own journey through mental illness that equipped him to change the mental health field at the time, so it has been with me. So, I treasure all the pain from that time now, though I doubt I’d like to relive any of it.

What I gained from surviving a borderline mother was a soul deep determination to overcome adversity or any hurdle life put before me. My childhood forged a will of iron, and I’ve always depended upon that ace in the hole. I remember a vision or a dream I had when I was seven. I saw myself at the bottom of a deep hole or well and only a sliver of light coming from above. All I wanted was to get out of that darkness and to climb the well of family dysfunction to live in the light.

To be honest, that dream focalized my entire youthful years. I always saw that tunnel of light when dealing with my mother or family. It was the light that kept me going. So, you could say I became a man of vision and deep purpose because of those experiences.  

Here’s how I tell one such paradigmatic story from the book, p. 163ff: When I was two, I remember telling my mother “No!” while I was jumping up and down on the bed. She told me to stop several times. But I did what many toddlers do — I asserted my right to say “No!” My mother’s response was swift. She hit me with a backhanded fist that sent me careening off a bed post. The effect was swift and lasting. I never, ever said the word “No” to my mother again. My family praised me for being such a “good little boy.” Little did they know why!

That was the first incident I remember, but it wasn’t the last as she often used physical force as a form of discipline. In elementary school she raged against me again. Beating me with a kitchen chair, I remember being crouched in the turtle position, scared to death. It seemed like I might be killed.

Suddenly, anger rose up in my heart and soul. I thought to myself, “This is so unfair.” In utter defiance, my brain came up with a solution, “I will never bow to this! You can bend me, but you can never break me.” It sounded good at the time. This “solution’ seemed like a way to reclaim my authority with an impossibly oppressive mother. That was the positive intent of my young brain. However, it was also the moment I lost much of my Right to Assert for years to come, though I didn’t see it.

How did you break the family patterns of addiction and abuse and go on to become a thriver who helps others?

It wasn’t easy, to be honest. I had the great fortune of choosing great friends and had some fabulous teachers who gave me just enough of what I needed to survive and eventually, find my way in life. There has been a providential leading of my soul, or perhaps through my soul, my entire life.

Therapy didn’t actually break the patterns, which is why I wrote the book.  After seeking degrees, more than a decade of therapy and countless workshops like John Bradshaw, I was still either choosing Ms. Wrong or acting like Mr. Wrong. After a string of painful dating relationships, especially the one I sabotaged, I looked in the mirror the day after a woman I deeply loved broke up with me. I vowed that if loving was the problem, then I’d find a way to fix things, even if I had to come up with a new theory myself. As it turns out, that’s exactly what it took. My soul incarnated to do exactly what I have done in the book. What I said to myself that morning was, “I don’t care if it takes the rest of my life, but I will crack the code for love.” Well, luckily it took about 10 years and not the rest of my lifetime.

As a child I swore to myself that I would be different than my family. Going to college, I enrolled as a psychology major to make sure my life would be different. Four years later, I received a huge shock; preparing for graduation, a professor gave me a personality test to see how fit I was for adult life. That’s when he dropped a bomb on me: “The tests tell me that you have a 90% chance of being divorced.” The words fell on my ears like a grenade. Within hours, I decided that if a double major in psychology and religion weren’t enough, then perhaps a third major would do the trick. I prolonged college for a fifth year to gain a third degree in marriage and family relations.

Imagine my surprise, when 12 years later my marriage was in flames. How could all that studying, and three majors — each deliberately selected to stave off a divorce — have worked out so poorly? I was stymied. After years of therapy following my divorce, I finally pronounced myself ready to marry again. It was therefore devastating to me when my second marriage began to unravel after just a few months. Four years later, divorce came knocking on my door a second time. Confusion ruled the day. After all my studies and almost a decade of therapy between marriages, the test I took at 22 had proven to be accurate. Doubly so, even!

My life story and its lessons are all here in this book. Looking back, I can clearly see that my soul chose a lot of lessons. Yes, there were painful relationships, but at some level they were all my choices. All of it was in the service of learning the lessons that lay behind every page in this book — inviting you, the reader, to have a more fulfilling experience of lasting love — this is the ultimate promise behind this book.  

There is a trauma that often goes unseen. It is not obvious to the naked eye. Sometimes it only occurs behind closed doors. It may only exist in subtle comments, but its effects linger long after the abuse ends.

And yet, many people fall prey to it. I am talking about abusive relationships.

While we may not consider relationships traumatic, our body does.

“At the end of my previous book, Psychopath Free, I described a ‘tight feeling in my heart.’ It wasn’t painful or sharp, just a constant numb, squeezing sensation. It started immediately after my first relationship ended, and I felt it for five years straight. All day, every day, from the moment I woke up to the second I feel asleep,” writes Jackson Mackenzie.

In his new book, Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse, MacKenzie offers a heartfelt, empathic guide to once again reclaim your life, your spirit, and your soul after an abusive relationship.

Mackenzie describes trauma as an unresolved message living in our body that distracts and separates us from our true self. He writes, “At some point, the body locked your feelings away because they were too painful and intolerable to experience at the time. Your true self is still there, it’s just cloaked by obscure, frustrating sensations like ‘numbness’ or ’emptiness’ or ‘boredom.'”

Instead of trying to secure love, validation, and approval from others, what we need to do is offer ourselves love.

“When love flows freely from within, our infinite source is restored and all other behavioral anomalies melt away,” writes Mackenzie.

The first step is to get comfortable with discomfort. Instead of judging ourselves harshly, trying to force forgiveness of others, we need to learn to simply accept what we are feeling and thinking — without judging, changing or trying to avoid it.

Mackenzie writes, “This lets you build a friendly, curious relationship with the stuff going on inside your body and mind, even the stuff that feels awful.”

Our feelings are our own responsibility and by learning to stop expecting the external world to change for us and help create the feelings we want, we can begin the process of doing the hard work to change ourselves.

“We live in a world where people want others to validate and accept them for exactly as they are, but once again, external validation will not make you any happier,” writes Mackenzie.

The love we need to heal, Mackenzie tells us, has nothing to do with other people. It requires us to do nothing. It also is not about thinking love. It is simply about feeling love.

“Most people are born with this intact, and they do not need to be spiritual to experience it. It is just the innate sense of being good, having purpose and joy for no external reason,” writes Mackenzie.

However, for many people, the feelings of rejection and abuse are too intense, and instead of feeling them, they think about them, and develop a protective self to compensate for them.

The first priority is to understand that the abuse we suffered had nothing to do with us, and yet it left an internal void.

Mackenzie writes, “The most important thing you can do is release the message they left behind (not enough, worthless, bad, inadequate) and learn how to love yourself.”

In doing so, we will likely find many issues that need our attention, like low self-esteem, shame, guilt, fear, and anxiety.

Learning how to create a healthy, loving relationship with ourselves is how we learn to create healthy, loving relationships with others.

“I spent so long focused on the red flags and warning signs, obsessing and ruminating about the misbehavior of others, I didn’t even notice I was still completely distracted from my own issues,” writes Mackenzie.

It’s not until we are willing to shift our attitude toward discomfort — to see it as a good thing that offers the possibility of finally feeling, understanding, and letting go of painful emotions — that we can begin the process of feeling whole again.

Instead of tuning out painful emotions, we should be tuning into them. Mackenzie describes the mindfulness method called R.A.I.N., which stands for recognize, allow, investigate, and nonindentification.

“By developing a kind relationship with yourself, you can slowly agree to experience these feelings fully, staying with them as long as they need (this can take months or even years) before they lose their potency,” writes Mackenzie.

Feelings do not define us. They do not determine who we are, or whether or not we can find love. But, how we relate to them holds the key to how we feel. When we avoid, hide, protect, or deny our feelings, we deny our true self, and we also deny ourselves the pure joy of simply feeling whole.

Whole Again is a profound and deeply moving book that will have you thinking and feeling differently about the most important relationship you will ever have — the one with yourself.

Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse
Tarcher Perigree, January 2019
Paperback, 304 pages

When something as devastating as a mass shooting occurs, it is hard to know where to begin the process of healing. With so many people affected on such a mass scale, there is chaos, uncertainty, confusion — even for mental health providers.

“Despite their best intentions, most clinicians are not adequately trained to work with people suffering from complicated grief and complex trauma, the psychological phenomena that often result from these tragedies,” writes Melissa Glaser.

In her new book, Healing a Community: Lessons for Recovery after a Large-Scale Trauma, Glaser, who coordinated the Newtown Recovery and Response Team that responded to the Sandy Hook shooting, offers a practical guide designed to help clinicians, communities, and families cope in the wake of a mass trauma.

“The unfortunate lesson I learned in Newtown, Connecticut following the Sandy Hook School shooting is that every community needs to create a mental health recovery plan so that its leaders, therapists and families know what to do if a large-scale tragedy occurs,” writes Glaser.

Glaser describes working with a family in the immediate aftermath to help them break the news to their children that their son had been killed in the shooting. After spending four hours working with the family, holding space and allowing the heart-wrenching and raw emotions to flow, Glaser saw the family at an event three months later and, after some debate, decided to say hello to them. To her shock, the family had no idea who she was.

She writes, “This is what trauma looks like and how deeply it affects the brain. Post-traumatic stress often results in cognitive and behavioral changes and deficits. Emotional flooding transfers into a breakdown in cognitive processing including absent or diminished recall of the event and the most painful experiences connected to it.”

The only choice is to meet families where they are. Some families will require non-traditional or more layered approaches. Some families will be more affected financially than others.

Describing the approach after Sandy Hook, Glaser writes, “Our program combined intimate individual assistance, small and large-scale education, and training. This unique mix was critical to our success.”

One crucial first step is to survey the needs of the community. “Remember that you will work within a traumatized environment, which breeds confusion and chaos in and of itself,” cautions Glaser.

Understanding the emotional, physiological and neurobiological effects of trauma is another instrumental component of recovery, and equally important is having realistic expectations for recovery.

Glaser writes, “Recovery and resilience is not a return to how you felt before the incident. It is moving through the trauma and grief, finding a healthy and acceptable way to resume your life without being consumed by adverse symptoms.”

People are affected by trauma psychologically and physiologically, and by understanding the way trauma impacts their brain and nervous system, they can better understand why they feel the way they do so they can find acceptable ways to express their fears, vulnerability, pain, guilt, and grief.

In inexplicable traumas, as much as the brain tries to make sense of them, there is no language to describe or understand what has been experienced.

“Trauma creates an assault on (those) neurotransmitters which can result in chaos in the brain,” writes Glaser.

Talk therapy is often wholly ineffective. Glaser describes using alternative treatment modalities such as acupuncture, art therapy, emotional freedom techniques, equine and animal-assisted therapy, neurofeedback, somatic experiencing, and yoga to help the families of Newtown re-regulate.

However, when a community is shaken to its core, trust and security are diminished, and when services are delivered in the public eye, they are judged, challenged, and highly scrutinized.

“I quickly realized that my team would need a high tolerance for public scrutiny,” writes Glaser.

Beginning with an assessment of the immediate and ongoing community needs, Glaser notes that the keys to her program’s success were building relationships with community organizations and treatment providers and developing a team of care coordinators complete with tested wellness and therapy resources.

Not only should healing treatments be tailored to the unique needs of the community, they should also be prepared to remain in place long after the trauma response team is gone.

Moreover, there is no way to predict the magnitude of a mass-scale trauma or the way it affects each individual family. Glaser writes, “Every family was different in its level of grief, supports, and awareness of the ways trauma had impacted their lives. Some families stayed silent, some were outspoken, and most only sought assistance once a level of trust was established.”

Healing from a mass-scale trauma cannot be accomplished without first understanding the impact of trauma, or the unique needs of the community affected by it. What Glaser offers is a thoughtful, comprehensive, and sensitive approach to healing a community. Healing a Community is a book that, especially today, should be on every clinician’s shelf.

Healing a Community: Lessons for Recovery after a Large-Scale Trauma
Central Recovery Press, February 2019
Paperback, 304 pages