Lisa Find Love

You may be considering getting help with some concern areas in your life. So, you begin to do some research for a helping professional. You will likely run into many different options including therapists and coaches. But what is the difference between therapy and coaching? How do you know which is right for you? 

Objective

To begin with, the purpose or objective of both therapy and coaching are similar. They both work to support growth and wellness. Therapy, or counseling, though, helps people address and solve problems. Additionally, counseling has a goal to help people find healing from trauma, mood disorders, substance abuse, and more. Alternatively, coaching’s goal is to help people who are overall already mentally healthy achieve their personal goals, stay motivated, explore options, change mindsets, and overcome obstacles.  

Setting

A key tenant in therapy is the ability to form a strong working relationship, or therapeutic alliance, between the therapist and client.  This means that you believe your therapist wants to help you and feel comfortable opening up and sharing with them. As such, it is important for the therapist and client to be able to see each other face to face.  With technology advancing, online counseling has been growing exponentially, as it offers a nearly identical ability to see each other face to face, just through a video portal. The reason that the face to face component of counseling is so important is that it is vital for the therapist to be able to attend to the client’s nonverbal communication as much as their verbal communication.  Much can be lost without being able to visually see a client’s posture, facial expressions, or dress/attire. In comparison, coaching often occurs over the phone without the option for a face to face interaction. For coaching, since the primary task is to help clients focus on reaching goals, and less on the emotional component of their concerns, this telephonic communication is sufficient.  

Credentials

One of the starkest differences between therapists and coaches is the training involved in the respective professions.  Therapists typically require, at minimum, a Master’s Degree in the Counseling field. In addition, they require a licensure in the field of counseling.  Licensure is achieved by providing a required number of hours of counseling while receiving supervision by an already licensed counselor. Finally, therapists receive licensure monitoring by a board in the state they live in and require continued education to maintain their knowledge and credentials in the field.  

On the other hand, coaches are not required to hold any licensure, certification, or specific degrees.  As such, they should not be diagnosing or treating mental illness or substance use disorders.  

Treatment Offerings

A therapist is a trained, licensed professional who is able to formulate a treatment plan to help you reach your goals and find healing.  Therapists are expected to use evidence-based techniques amidst their treatment of your concern areas. Alternatively, a coach is not providing actual treatment.  Instead, they will create a plan with you with the primary objective of reaching a specific pre-set goal.  

Ethics

Given therapists are required to hold licensure in the field of counseling, they are also expected to follow strict ethical guidelines and can be sanctioned if they are found to not follow expected ethical codes.  These ethical guidelines include very specific rules about how they maintain their client’s confidentiality, i.e., how they maintain their client’s privacy. Ethical guidelines for counselors also outline important rules regarding how to have and maintain appropriate boundaries with clients.  For instance, there are specific rules prohibiting having a relationship with a client outside of the typical counseling dynamic. These ethical guidelines are meant to ensure the safety and welfare of clients. 

Differently, coaches do not have any ethical guidelines they are required to follow.  Because of this, there is no overseeing body giving guidance to coaches regarding boundaries or confidentiality.  

Styles

When you engage in therapy, you should expect your counselor to provide ongoing support to you throughout the process of counseling.  Your counselor will be working from the mindset of helping you to find healing from your concern areas. They do this by guiding you to the point of recovery from your symptoms so you can feel relief and betterment in your life.  Counselors typically believe the path to recovery and wellness is by developing healthy emotions and relationships. Counselors help clients learn new skills to get to the goal of wellness. Counseling is often less focused on visible, easy to see results.  Instead, counseling can be geared to help someone focus on more existential goals, such as feeling more whole, feeling more purposeful, or functioning better as a person.  

A coach is encouraging and motivating, typically envisioning their client as someone who is already whole.  What this means, is that coaches believe their client already possesses the needed skills to reach their goal.  Instead their focus, which impacts the style of their coaching, is to help their client get results.  Their style is very strategic to help their clients build healthy patterns to get them to their goals.  Therefore, a coach is more so focused on identifying what their client is meant to do, rather than how they feel.  The coach is mainly providing accountability and empowerment to help the client reach their goal. 

Concern Areas

Finally, we have outlined the major differences between a therapist and a coach. So now, how do you decide which helping professional is right for you? Both therapists and coaches serve important roles in helping people with their struggles. Still unsure whether you should see a therapist or a coach? It all depends on what issues you want help with.

When to look for a Therapist

• Depression (sadness, reduced interest in activities, change in appetite or sleep, loneliness or withdrawal, thoughts of death)
• Anxiety (racing thoughts, rapid heartbeat, excessive worry, panic)
• Sleep problems
• Relationship concerns
• Stress from a traumatic experience
• Grief after a loss
• Improving life satisfaction
• Feeling overwhelmed with life stressors
• Parenting struggles
• Substance abuse

When to look for a Coach

• Identify ways to advance at work
• Determine a preferred career path
• Exercise goals
• Nutritional changes
• Smoking cessation
• Educational guidance
• Day to day organization
• General goal setting

Getting assistance from a professional you trust can help you find relief from whatever concern areas you are struggling with.

This morning, I awoke, not to birdsong or the dappled sunlight dancing through my bedroom curtains as I do many days. Instead, my heart was pounding after a dream in which I was feeling lost, terrified, violated and confused as to how to remedy the situation. My usual resourcefulness had gone off-line, and I wondered where in my waking life I was feeling that way. 

One need not go much further in determining that the world is a scary place at the moment. I know that those who survived war, famine, imprisonment, abuse and other forms of devastation may justifiably say that what we are experiencing at this time in history are echoes of what came before. In my 60 years on the planet, I have not seen the like. Since the election in 2016, each day has brought with it even more unthinkable atrocities. Many of those who “show up, stand up and speak out,” feel a sense of outrage fatigue and its companion resistance fatigue. An important question is, “What can concerned people do to quell the violence and halt the violations of human decency?”

This is an overlay for many who show up in my therapy office. Some who are already experiencing their personal pain find it is exacerbated by the state of the world. They raise the subject, shaking their heads and holding out their hands as if in supplication and the hope that the answers will land in their open palms. I wish they would.

I sit with children and adults who are in turmoil at times as a result of anxiety, depression, death of loved ones, physical debilitation, financial challenges, relationship rending, child custody issues, addiction and in some cases, their own impending death. Easy to understand how they could use some light shining in the dark corners. I do my best to provide a safe haven for their hearts and minds, even as I sometimes feel powerless to change their external circumstances. 

When I researched the origin of the concept, I discovered that the phrase “dark night of the soul” has as its origins a poem by St. John of the Cross (1542-1591), a Spanish Carmelite monk and mystic, whose Noche obscura del alma is translated “The Dark Night of the Soul.” This eight-stanza poem outlines the soul’s journey from the distractions and entanglements of the world to the perfect peace and harmony of union with God. According to the poet, the “dark night of the soul” is synonymous with traveling the “narrow way” that Jesus spoke of in Matthew 7:13-14.

Even those who are not of a spiritual bent, may have had such an experience in which, no matter where they turn, it seems the path is blocked. It is more than a sense of sadness, more than the inevitable blues that come calling. Although the symptoms of clinical depression may be contributing factors, it can be exacerbated when one has a belief (entrenched or fleeting) that the situation will not improve.

Historical figures such as Abraham Lincoln, Nelson Mandela and Viktor Frankl have valiantly faced their own lengthy dark nights that they could justifiably believe would never have them see the light of day.  Somehow, they parted the heavy shroud of despair that could have overtaken them indefinitely.

The Atlantic published an article entitled “There’s More to Life Than Being Happy”. In it, author Emily Esfahani Smith quotes psychiatrist and humanitarian Viktor Frankl, whose revolutionary book, Man’s Search For Meaning, informed generations about “the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” This is an individual who endured horrific conditions in concentration camps and lost all of his family members in the Holocaust. He knew people who decided to die as soon as they walked through the gates and others who chose to live as fully as they could in the most unthinkable surroundings.

Once the camps were liberated, he wrote the book and it reinforced the belief in goodness in the midst of evil and affirmed, “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s way.”

Ways to shine a light in your life

• Look at areas in your life where the light does shine. What are the blessings you have right now? A home, a car, food in the refrigerator, a job, and people who love you could be on your list.
• Tally your successes. What have you accomplished in your life? Chances are you have learned how to tie your shoes, ride a bike, drive a car, graduate from high school or earned your GED, secure and maintain a job or launch a career, and acquire a myriad of skills. 
• Take an inventory of what challenges you have already overcome and remember how you got through them.
• Who is on your support team? Family, friends, therapist, 12 step sponsor, mentor, coach, teacher, clergy are possible light bringers for you.
• If you do have a spiritual practice, use it as a therapeutic tool. Prayer, meditation, acts of service to others, time in nature, journaling your insights can be restorative. Can you see them as symbolic flashlights, lanterns or candles?
• Find a purpose that fulfills you. What lights you up from the inside? Where do you feel your talents can best be used?
• Acknowledge your wounds. They occurred. They are real. When we deny our inner injuries, we may subject ourselves to re-wounding. The only caveat is not to ‘push on the boo boo’.

The inevitable dark nights of the soul have been unwelcome companions, and yet some of them have also brought me the most powerful personal breakthroughs. At times, I have resisted them mightily, attempting to take a spiritual bypass, a phrase that was coined by transpersonal psychologist John Welwood. I have up leveled my emotions, raised my vibration, taken a few steps up the energetic ladder, in an effort to keep from looking at the messy stuff of life. I have laughed in the face of death, danced with my gremlins and channeled my “inner Annie” as I sang “The sun’ll come out tomorrow.” 

You have a big presentation. You’re taking an important exam for your license. You’re defending your master’s thesis. You need to talk to your best friend about something that’s been bothering you. You need to talk to your boss. Or you’re about to do something else that’s making you nervous.

Either way, whatever the activity, task, or situation, the anxiety feels like it’s coursing through your veins. It feels big and overpowering and dramatic. And all you want is for it to go away. Understandably. Because anxiety is very uncomfortable. And who likes to feel uncomfortable?

According to Kimberley Quinlan, a marriage and family therapist with a private practice in Calabasas, Calif., anxiety “tends to show up around the things we value the most in our lives.”

It’s common for anxiety to arise in our relationships with family and friends, and in places where we’re forced to face our fears (because of our values), such as flying to visit a friend or giving a talk at work, said Quinlan, owner of CBTschool.com, an online education resource for anxiety and depression.

Many of Sheva Rajaee’s clients “get anxious about situations they fear will cause them social rejection, whether that be a fear they will mess something important up and be looked at differently, do something that makes them unlovable, or act in a way that gets them kicked out of the proverbial tribe.” Rajaee is the founder of The Center for Anxiety and OCD in Irvine, Calif.

For many of us, when anxiety arises, we act in unhelpful ways that actually amplify and feed our anxiety. We avoid the situation, which soothes our anxiety in the short term, but then only perpetuates it. We try to suppress our thoughts, but “the more we try not to think something scary, the more we actually think it,” said Quinlan.

We ruminate about all the possible outcomes and scenarios that could happen, she said. This just “increase[s] our chances of creating catastrophic stories in our head and then end up feeding ourselves back into a loop of having more and more anxiety.”

We might regularly ask others for reassurance, lash out, or make “I can’t” statements, said Kristin Bianchi, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist who specializes in treating OCD, anxiety disorders, PTSD, and depression at the Center for Anxiety & Behavioral Change in Rockville, M.d.

We also might try to get out of doing certain things — such as staying home “sick” from school or work to avoid a potentially stressful interaction or task, putting off a doctor’s appointment, or asking others to do things for us (e.g., lie for us when we bail on a birthday party), Bianchi said.

If these things aren’t helpful and only boost our anxiety, what is helpful?

According to Quinlan, “The first thing to remember about anxiety is that it is a human experience and that fear and anxiety are meant to show up in our lives.”

Below, you’ll find other helpful mindset shifts, practices, and tools for coping with anxiety right now.

Shift your perspective on anxiety. When we view our anxiety as “bad,” “dangerous,” or “unwanted,” we increase “our own experience of its danger,” Quinlan said. Instead, “it is really helpful to try and frame fear as nothing more than ‘discomfort’ that is tolerable and temporary.” You can even keep a small index card in your wallet or bag with that phrase written on it—if you forget.

Practice acceptance and kindness. “Acceptance involves allowing the present moment, just as it is without trying to change it or manipulate it,” Quinlan said. She even encouraged readers to talk directly to your anxiety.

“Instead of saying, ‘Go away. I hate you, Anxiety,’ you may want to experiment with replacing that comment with, ‘Oh, hi there, Anxiety. I see that you are back. I know you want me to run away right now, but instead, let’s go get groceries together. I really need milk and eggs.’”

Similarly, you can address yourself with self-compassion, which also helps to instantly calm “your physiological response and mimics the nurturing we would get from a trusted parent or loved one,” Rajaee said.

She shared these examples: “Wow, I can see you’re feeling very anxious and fearful right now”; and “I know you really wanted things to work out, I’m sorry it didn’t go as planned.”

Slow down your breathing. This helps to calm our body’s stress response. Bianchi suggested this breathing exercise: Inhale through your nose to a count of 4 to 6 seconds, gently hold your breath for 1 to 2 seconds, and then exhale through your mouth to a count of 4 to 6 seconds.

“We encourage people to make certain to breathe out nice and slowly, perhaps imagining that you’re slowly blowing fluff off a dandelion, or blowing a slow stream of bubbles.”

You also can try apps such as Breathe2Relax, Bianchi added.

Similarly, Rajaee recommended taking deep belly breaths, along with “relaxing your muscles and allowing your body to adopt a ‘safe’ stance instead of a threatened posture.” This “will send a message to your mind that you are not in danger.”

Try to move your body. “It’s been well-documented that exercise releases endorphins, and that endorphins not only help us feel calmer, but also help to increase our concentration, mental clarity, flexibility of thought, and creativity,” Bianchi said. So if you’re able to, consider engaging in any kind of cardio, such as HIIT training or a brisk walk, she said. Plus, if you can notice the nature around you, this can help even more, she added.

Allow your anxiety—maybe even welcome it. When you find yourself feeling anxious, Quinlan noted that an effective strategy is to say “Bring it on!” First of all, this is empowering (instead of making us feel out of control, which regularly happens when anxiety arises). Secondly, “our goal in anxiety management is to always make decisions based on our values and beliefs, not based on fear.”

What does welcoming anxiety actually look like? According to Quinlan, it’s about allowing the scary thoughts we’re bombarded with to bombard us, no matter how intimidating or strange they are. It’s about doing the same with our physical sensations, reminding ourselves that they won’t hurt us, and will go away. Quinlan noted that allowing anxiety “will feel like a wave.”

Become a curious observer. Bianchi suggested adopting a similarly inquisitive, open mindset to “Jane Goodall, Buddhist monks, and artists painting nature scenes.” In other words, notice and name exactly what you’re experiencing when you’re anxious, without judging yourself, she said. For example, you might say: “I notice that my heart is racing. I notice that I’m thinking that I’ll fail and be humiliated.”

When we use language, it “forces us to use the areas of our brains that are associated with rational, logical thinking processes. This can help us to get a little bit of distance from the distressing thoughts that we’re having, and to react somewhat less intensely to unpleasant physical sensations associated with anxiety,” Bianchi said.

Come up with “courage statements.” Remind yourself that you can persevere through tough — yes, even excruciatingly anxiety-provoking — times. Bianchi teaches her clients to come up with these empowering statements, memorize them, and use them in stressful situations.

These are some of the popular ones, she said: “Courage isn’t how I feel; it’s what I do when I’m afraid”; “I can do hard things”; “I am stronger than my fear”; “Just because my anxiety is talking doesn’t mean I have to listen.”

Seek help. If your anxiety extends beyond high-stress situations and spills over into your job, relationships, and other areas of your life, Bianchi suggested getting help. “Luckily, chronic anxiety that interferes with a person’s functioning is highly treatable with cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).” You can find a therapist who uses CBT or another scientifically supported treatment by looking at the directories of professional organizations, she said, such as: the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, International OCD Foundation, and the American Psychological Association.

Rajaee noted that the most important thing to know about anxiety is that it’s temporary and it’ll pass.

The key is to allow the waves of anxiety to rise and fall, she said. “While we cannot control the waves, we can learn to be an effective sailor. When we stop fighting, resisting, and trying to change the very natural rise and fall of anxiety, we create a healthier relationship to it and can allow it to pass through us more easily.”

This takes practice, and can seem really hard at first — and maybe really hard the second, third, and tenth time you do it. But it will get easier. We just have to give ourselves the chance (and chances) to try.

“The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

There’s nothing like a good night’s sleep to make the world seem right. On the other hand, everyone is familiar with the disruption to daily life that often occurs after a disturbed, poor or irregular night’s sleep. How bad can such sleep be? The latest research points to a number of unfortunate, and sometimes preventable, consequences from disturbed sleep.

Poor Academic Performance Tied to Irregular Sleep

College students often suffer from “considerable sleep deficiency,” according to research published in Scientific Reports. Researchers said that sleep regularity is positively associated with academic performance, and that sleep irregularity is independent of sleep duration. Irregular sleepers, researchers note, have delayed sleep timing and tend to have more daytime sleep episodes. Why certain individuals develop irregular sleep, although an important question, was not directly addressed in the study. However, researchers said that their study findings suggest that light interventions used to advance circadian rhythms and education about the importance of regular sleep schedules may help undergraduates with irregular sleep patterns.

Lack of Sleep Associated with Risky Teen Behavior

Research published by the American Psychological Association shows that a majority of today’s teens are not getting the right amount of sleep for their developmental and overall health. Furthermore, according to researchers, those teens getting insufficient or disordered sleep may be at increased risk for engaging in risky sexual behaviors, such as having unprotected sex, or having sex while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. The recommended amount of sleep for teens is 8-10 hours per night. Without sufficient sleep, teens may have increased potential for taking sexual risks due to compromised decision-making and impulsivity.

Irregular Sleep Patterns Linked to Metabolic Diseases

Results of a study funded by the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute, part of the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and published in Diabetes Care, showed that every hour of night-to-night difference in time going to bed or the night’s sleep duration multiplies the adverse effect that may lead to metabolic diseases. These include a higher risk of diabetes, obesity and other metabolic disorders. In addition, during a 6-year follow-up, the variations in sleep duration and bedtimes occurred before the development of metabolic dysfunction, which, say the researchers, provides some evidence to support a causal link between irregular sleep and metabolic dysfunction.

Disturbed Sleep Associated with Mental Health Issues After Natural Disaster

It may seem axiomatic, yet the first study to look at sleep health consequences to individuals after the 2010 earthquake that struck Haiti found that survivors of the natural disaster were more likely to have mental health problems afterward. The study, from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, was taken two years after the disastrous event. Researchers noted that 42 percent showed clinically significant levels of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and almost 22 percent had symptoms of depression. Also noteworthy was that resilience did not appear to be a buffer against disturbed sleep. As a result of their findings, researchers stressed the need to assess and treat sleep issues, such as PTSD, among survivors of disasters, saying that sleep health should be a “major component of all public and global health programs and specifically in humanitarian crises.”

High Blood Pressure Linked to Sleepless Nights

Feeling out of sorts after tossing and turning at night may have something to do with the spike in blood pressure that may result from the irregular sleep. In a study published in Psychosomatic Medicine, researchers from the University of Arizona said the blood pressure spike may be one possible explanation for why sleep problems and sleep disorders have been demonstrated to increase heart attack, stroke and death from cardiovascular disease risk. During the study, in which participants wore actigraphy monitors (wristwatch-like monitors measuring movement), those who had lower sleep efficiency had a blood pressure increase during their restless night’s sleep, as well as higher systolic blood pressure the following day. Researchers emphasized how important sleep is for heart health, so improving sleep is a valuable priority.

Sleep Problems and Alzheimer’s Disease Linked — But Which Comes First?

Researched published by the American Physiological Society explored the pathophysiological factors linking sleep disturbances and Alzheimer’s disease. They noted that much Alzheimer’s research focuses on two proteins present in the brain of those with Alzheimer’s disease: amyloid beta and tau. Amyloid beta is believed involved in learning and the brain’s ability to adapt and change, while tau aids in regulating normal signaling between neuronal cells. Individuals with Alzheimer’s have both an amyloid beta buildup and tau tangles in the brain. What researchers found is that a single night of sleep deprivation increases tau levels by as much as 50 percent in cerebrospinal fluid. On the other hand, quality sleep appears to be able to help the body clear excess proteins. Still, researchers noted, it’s unknown if sleep disruption aggravates Alzheimer’s disease symptoms and speeds progression, or if disrupted sleep “actually initiates the cascade of [Alzheimer’s disease] development.”

Another study, published in the Journal of Neuroscience, found that sleep history in middle age may foreshadow pathology of Alzheimer’s disease later. Researchers from the University of California, Berkeley found that a decrease in sleep quality between the ages of 50 and 70 is linked with higher levels of amyloid beta and tau in the brain, noting that brain activity changes and sleep quality could be a biomarker for Alzheimer’s disease.

How You Breathe When You Sleep May Be Linked to Accelerated Aging

It’s not hard to tell when someone’s sleeping peacefully, since their regular breathing is a telltale indicator. In a study looking at the adverse effects of untreated sleep-disordered breathing, researchers from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine found there’s biological evidence to support the link between disordered breathing and accelerated aging. Obstructive sleep apnea is one example of sleep-disordered breathing, and it affects nearly 30 million U.S. adults. A surprising study finding was that the associations of accelerated aging and sleep-disordered breathing were stronger in women than men, which researchers said may suggest women may be particularly vulnerable to the adverse effects of sleep-disordered breathing.

“We turn not older with years, but newer every day.” – Emily Dickinson

Most of us like to think we’re pretty savvy, having learned a thing or two from our life experiences. Yet, one area where many may be shortchanging themselves is holding onto the mistaken belief that you deteriorate in every way the older you get. While it is true that older individuals are more likely to have one or more medical conditions requiring regular attention, if not medication, getting older does not automatically make you infirm, senile, miserable or unable to get along with others. You can, indeed, benefit from aging gracefully.

But how?

It All Centers on Attitude

When it comes to being adept at aging gracefully, it all comes down to attitude. In fact, attitude is everything here. If you are pessimistic about the life ahead of you, this will influence everything you do, think and say from here on out. On the other hand, when you adopt a positive and optimistic view of aging, you’re much more likely to be able to withstand some of the inevitable changes that aging brings.

For many people, this is familiar to the “glass half-full versus glass half-empty.” The former is a positive point of view, whereas the latter is negative. The glass half-full outlook toward aging celebrates all your strong points, your accumulated wisdom, the way you’re able to be flexible and switch to alternative or new activities, how you treasure loved ones more, find it easier to not sweat the small disappointments, to compromise and find a middle ground where there’s discord or need to choose between options.

The best part about a positive attitude toward aging gracefully is that it becomes easier over time. As a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found, older persons with positive self-perceptions of aging lived about 7.5 years longer than those who viewed aging as less positive. The measurements on self-perceptions toward aging were initially taken some 23 years earlier.

Continue to Set Goals

Having a goal and working to complete it is something everyone can relate to. When you’re older, beyond the age where you’re continually striving to get the next promotion or career advancement, or you’ve reached your financial and family goals and think you don’t need to make any more goals, that’s when you may benefit from a re-examination of your priorities and making some adjustments.

Goals are always important, perhaps even more so when you’re getting on in years. You may have more idle time available and, rather than dwell on what’s not working or how aches and pains seem to bother you more, making progress toward one or more goals can help motivate you, lift your mood, and show how incremental gains improve your mental health and life overall. In addition, when you continue to make goals, you always have something to look forward to. That’s important when you have fewer people in your immediate circle, or family members are not present to interact and socialize with.

Use Self-Guides for Finding Purpose and Meaning in Life

What we once wanted out of life, achieving our “ideal-self” may have somewhat changed, after reaching certain milestones or accomplishments, yet having hopes and aspirations is valuable in helping us navigate meaning and purpose in life even after we’ve reached the pinnacle of what others may term success.

However, if we begin to focus on where we fall short in achieving hopes and dreams, researchers from Edith Cowan University say, it begins to become counter-productive, resulting in frustration and depression and other aspects of psychological distress. Excessive rumination, repetitively thinking about lack of progress toward the ideal-self is a significant vulnerability. The researchers found that “perceiving one’s hopes and wishes as unfulfilled and the loss of desired positive outcomes increases emotional vulnerability and psychological distress.”

What may be helpful, especially if you’re stuck in negative self-evaluation over perceived failure to meet “overly” high standards, say researchers, is to reflect on and occasionally modify self-guides. In short, be kind to yourself and learn to keep self-guides in perspective.

Take Up Dancing

Several studies show that dancing may be superior to repetitive exercises in maintaining healthy brains in older individuals. A 2018 study published in PLosOne found that dancing, compared to conventional fitness activity, led to larger volume increases in more brain areas. The results of the study led researchers to recommend their “challenging dance program as an effective measure to counteract detrimental effects of aging on the brain.”

A study published in 2019 in Alternative Therapies in Health and Medicine looked in the literature specifically at the use of dance as an intervention promoting functional/metabolic health in older adults and found that “any dance style can induce positive functional adaptations in older adults, especially related to balance.” Most dance interventions reviewed were 12 weeks in duration, lasting 60 minutes per session. Most-used dance styles were cultural and ballroom dancing. Researchers concluded that dancing may be a potential exercise intervention promoting health-related benefits for aging individuals.

Accept Changes that Aging Brings — and Make Adjustments

There’s no sense fighting the fact that you’re aging. Everyone ages, and it’s a normal part of life. What you can do to age gracefully, however, is to accept the changes that aging brings. This doesn’t mean you roll over and stop living, but that you make accommodations and adjustments where necessary so that you can continue to pursue meaningful activities that help you find and enjoy purpose in life.

For example, anticipate what may happen and construct a plan to deal with it. If you’re no longer able to drive due to limited range of motion, vision or other conditions, arrange for alternative modes of transportation so you can continue to get around and do what you want and need to do. This may include taking a community van, hiring Uber or Lyft or other rideshare venues, relying on friends, neighbors or family members, taking the bus or a taxi, subway or train. You may even be able to walk to some locations or ride a bike. The point is, analyze the situation and determine other ways to overcome the change that has resulted from aging. It’s not giving up. It’s approaching the problem in a smart manner. You’ll also feel greater satisfaction knowing you’ve handled the issue in such a logical and practical manner.

Maintain Social Ties

Reconnecting with and/or spending more time with loved ones and family members is highly conducive to graceful aging. As the American Psychological Association reported, staying close to family and friends is an excellent way to reduce stress, as such social support can help ward off stress and diseases related to stress.

If family members and loved ones are not geographically close, making use of technology such as Skye and phone video calls, in addition to private messing on popular social media, can bridge the distance gap and enhance connection. Just hearing from those you love and who care about you can make an incredible difference when you’re older, perhaps ill or house-bound, dealing with late-life stressors that may include coping with late-life transitions, depression, grief, poverty, functional limitations, cognitive changes, chronic pain, and multiple medical conditions.

Have you ever thought about going against your natural personality patterns for a year? That’s what Jessica Pan did when she embarked upon a year of extroversion (she identifies as a shy introvert) in her new book Sorry I’m Late, I Didn’t Want to Come. Although Jessica is married, I couldn’t help thinking that the lessons she learned along the way relate strongly to the single and dating life. I caught up with her for some insights on what she discovered along the way.

Tell me about your book?

I reached a low point in my life. I had just become a freelancer which meant that I was basically sitting on my sofa all day alone. And I was also 32, at the time, a lot of my friends were having babies and moving out of the city. I found myself lonely and I didn’t have co-workers to talk to, basically I lost perspective. I realized that I didn’t have that many friends in the city I lived in, I felt like my career was stagnating, and I wanted to make a change. I’m a shy introvert, and I was fine with that beforehand, I accepted that that’s who I was. But I realized that over the years I’d started to use the label ‘introvert’ as a license to say no to things. I started to say no to everything, like going out, or meeting new people, or networking opportunities—just taking any risks. So I decided that if I wanted to change my life, I would have to live it differently. I decided to extrovert for one year, meaning that I would do all of the things that I always actively avoided doing. I made this list of things that I hated, basically my nightmare, like talking to strangers, performing stand-up comedy, taking improv classes, traveling alone to make friends. I just kind of wanted to see what would happen if I did that.

Although you’re married. I know that so many single people can relate to the difficulties of putting yourself out there with the hopes of forging connections, either with romantic interests, friends, or people they’d like to network with. What were some of your strategies for being brave in that way without hating every moment?

Throughout the year, I interviewed mentors who led me along the way—I was doing things that I had never been good at, like talking to strangers or stand-up comedy, and I wanted to have extroverted mentors who could guide me through these challenges. One of the first things I did was talk to strangers, and I interviewed this psychologist and he told me that when we’re all sitting on a train or a bus and nobody’s talking, it doesn’t necessarily mean that nobody wants to talk to each other, it just means that nobody else has broken the ice so everybody is obeying the social convention and following everyone else’s lead. But then he said the thing that really stuck with me, which was that nobody waves, but everybody waves back, so if you start talking to someone, generally, they start talking back to you, or if you smile at someone who looked grumpy, usually they smile back at you. Knowing that, and practicing that in real life, really made me feel less socially anxious about going out and meeting new people.

I think everybody in their life has gone through a phase where they felt lonely, or they wanted new friends, or they’ve wanted to meet a new person to date or fall in love with, and I think it’s important to remember that. So throughout the year, I had to meet lots of different people, and before the year began I was socially anxious and I always assumed the worst of people—that they wouldn’t like me, or they would reject me, or they wouldn’t want to talk to me—I found that really was not the case. It felt like people were a lot kinder and more open than I had ever imagined, because in my head it seemed scary, but when you actually go and do that, it really takes away the fear, because we realize everybody’s a little bit scared but people are usually open.

You write about realizing that most of us aren’t terribly practiced at striking up a conversation or maintaining one, especially with someone we don’t know well or at all, would you talk a bit about what you learned about conversation throughout your year of extroversion?

One of the things I learned in the year that really resonated with me and I think about literally every day and in nearly every conversation I have with someone that I don’t know very well is this concept called deep talk versus surface talk. I took this class in London called How To Be Sociable, full of 40 other people, and the instructor talked about how there is surface talk and there is deep talk. So surface talk is talking about the weather and complaining about your commute, what you’re going to do this weekend, whereas deep talk is talking about your fears and your desires and your vulnerabilities. If we don’t engage in deep talk with people, we won’t have meaningful connections, and I think that sometimes we’re so scared that we could stay in surface talk all the time, but I actively made an effort to try to go into deep talk with people who seemed willing, who I met, and I feel like it really deepened my friendships and my relationships.

I went on a blind friend date with a friend I met on Bumble BFF, another woman, and she was telling me about a guy that she’s been dating for a few months and she said that she really liked him. He seemed really nice. He had a good job. He seemed responsible, they had a fine sex life, but she seemed really hesitant. I said ‘well, what’s the problem with him then?’ She said ‘well, I feel like it’s all banter, there’s no deep conversation.’ I had not told her any of these things that I learned that year. I said to her ‘well, have you ever asked him a deep question?’ She said ‘no, because I’m so scared to show how I really feel or that I really want to know these things about him.’ I think that’s a really common fear. But I also think that it goes back to ‘if nobody waves, nobody waves back,’ if nobody takes that leap, then your relationship will just stay in a shallow territory. In my own experience, with my husband, after six months I had a similar problem. I felt like everything was going great but I wanted to ask him all these personal questions about his past and future and what he wants from a relationship, but I felt really scared to ask. We sort of agreed, one night while the sun was setting, that in that twilight hour that we could ask each other anything we wanted to. We both were able to finally go deep and I feel like that is what really cemented our connection and that was the foundation of our marriage.

To enlarge your friend group you used apps, treating the process similarly to online dating. What was that experience like?

I found that really tricky. I have so much respect for people who are on dating apps because I had no idea how hard it would be to just meet a platonic woman that I wanted to have coffee with a few times a month. I think chemistry is so hard to find and and also you want to find someone who has time in their life, who lives relatively near you. I found that a lot harder than I thought I would. I did meet one good friend from Bumble BFF who is still my friend today, so it can happen.

What do you see as the greatest gifts of your extroversion project?

I think that after talking to strangers on London public transport—which is a total faux pas over in England—it was really embarrassing and really tough to do because I’m naturally shy, but once I did it and people were nice to me, even though they definitely thought I was strange, all of a sudden my social anxiety started to evaporate. I’m not as scared to talk to strangers at all. I’m a lot less socially anxious, and I think that’s a really big change. I think everybody tends to have a self definition—the story they tell themselves—I’m this kind of person, I’m a shy person, I don’t talk to strangers, I’d never give a presentation, I’m not going to throw myself parties, or whatever it is that you tell yourself. By spending a year doing all the things that I never even thought were possible, like stand-up comedy, it really felt freeing to have the definition of myself expand and to realize that I could do things that previously I thought could never be possible. I had really intense stage fright and I had to perform to an audience of 900 people without any notes and it was being recorded. But, with the help of a mentor, I survived that and I feel a lot more confident and can’t believe that I did that. I feel very empowered by that.

What are your hopes for your readers as you send your book into the world?

There are some psychology studies that say that our personalities are fixed at 30. I didn’t like reading that. It’s like, ‘oh so I’m going to be this way forever, I’m going to have the same anxieties and weaknesses forever.’ But then I found this other psychologist named Brian R. Little. He says that we are shaped by nature and we’re shaped by nurture, but our personalities are also affected by the things that we choose to do. I found that really freeing and like that had happened to me over the year. I was living proof of this—I was more confident, I had less social anxiety. I definitely don’t want people to think that I think everybody should be an extrovert or everybody should change who they are. Introversion and extroversion are generally agreed upon to be inherited traits, so I don’t think I’m going to be an extrovert, I was born an introvert, that’s my natural tendency but I feel a lot more confident and less socially anxious and I think that anyone else who doesn’t want to be tethered to their anxieties for the rest of their lives can have hope that they can do things. It doesn’t have to be the things I do, obviously, but can do things that can free them and change them for the better, if they want.

Cara Strickland writes about food and drink, mental health, faith and being single from her home in the Pacific Northwest. She enjoys hot tea, good wine, and deep conversations. She will always want to play with your dog. Connect with her on Twitter @anxiouscook.

The post Sorry I’m Late, I Didn’t Want to Come: An Interview with Author Jessica Pan appeared first on eharmony Advice.

A relationship can be an exciting path to the unknown. It offers an ever-present opportunity to grow spiritually — a path to transformation and mutual discovery and ultimately the divine when partners open to one another.

The concept of spirituality derives from “spiritus,” meaning vitality or breath of life. Like an electric charge, our soul awakens when we’re connected to that force. The more we’re aligned to it, the stronger and more alive is our soul. We tap into this power each time we express ourselves authentically.

Spiritual Principles

Consider spiritual concepts, such as faith, surrender, truth, compassion, and love. As we practice these principles in our relationships, they have a synergistic effect, reinforcing one another and strengthening us.

Faith and Surrender

Faith is the first spiritual premise. A relationship with a higher source or higher power, however defined, must be our priority because, when we make someone or something (like an addiction or ambition) more important, we not only live in fear, but we also lose ourselves — our soul.

In relationships, faith in a higher power enables us to surrender our well-being and self-worth to something other than another person. It helps us rise above our fears and build autonomy and self-esteem. When we trust that we won’t disintegrate from loneliness, fear, shame, or abandonment, we’re able to brave rejection and separateness from our partner. 

Surrender requires patience, which also comes from faith. If we want to relinquish controlling our relationships, we must have the confidence to wait. On the other hand, when our fears and defenses are activated, we end up hurting the relationship in our attempts to maintain it.

Truth

Our spiritual and psychological development soars when we speak and act congruently in alignment with our Self, especially when we feel we have the most to lose. With faith we gain the courage to chance our partner’s displeasure and speak the truth. Honest, authentic and assertive communication replaces passive and/or aggressive attempts to please and manipulate. Expression of our vulnerability invites others to be vulnerable also. This builds our spiritual power, resiliency, and autonomy. By giving loving, non-interfering attention, a safe, healing environment is created. When reciprocated, we no longer feel the need to hide, and our ability to risk and be vulnerable grows. Then true intimacy becomes possible.

Compassion and Love

Acceptance is essential for satisfying relationships. Yet, we can only accept and have compassion for our partner to the degree to which we accept and have compassion for ourselves.

Compassion develops from self-knowledge and self-acceptance. It requires we surrender the demands of our ego to live up to unrealistic, unforgiving demands and expectations. When we understand our own and our partner’s tender points and struggles — our “triggers” — we become less reactive. Then we can listen without judgment, without taking our partner’s thoughts and feelings so personally.

Bridges of mutual empathy with our partner permit us to achieve deeper levels of acceptance and compassion for ourselves and one another. We stop clinging to expectations and ideas about how we and our partner should be. Instead, we experience both our Self and our partner as unique and separate.

Anxiety and the need for defensive behaviors that cause problems in relationships gradually dissolve. The relationship becomes a haven for two souls to experience themselves and each other in a space of love and respect. As trust grows, the relationship makes space for greater freedom and acceptance.

Intersubjective Spiritual Healing

In an atmosphere of acceptance and compassion, unconditional love can spontaneously arise. Martin Buber believed that spirit resides not in us but between us. He explained that the “I-Thou” experience gives rise to a numinous, spiritual force, a “presence” in which we experience our true Self.

Experiencing the Self in this milieu feels exhilarating. When we’re not trying to hide, intimacy supports our wholeness. Paradoxically, as we risk losing our partner, we gain ourselves, and although we’re now closer than before, we’re more autonomous. The Self becomes substantial and more individuated.

Our defenses, which we thought kept us safe and made us strong, have not only been obstacles to intimacy, but have also fortified old feelings of inadequacy, which stifled our Self and true inner strength. Trusting our vulnerability, we hesitatingly walk through our fears. We grow in faith, self-compassion, and courage each time we express our authentic self. By risking defenselessness, we begin to see ourselves and others more clearly. We uncover who we truly are, our divinity, within an intimate, “I-Thou” space of unconditional love.

We realize that we’re enough — that our wholeness and self-acceptance doesn’t depend on what others think, but on self-awareness. Our past conditioning and emotional blocks slowly evaporate, and we become stronger. By living in a state of presence, our lives are enriched and vital. Our being generates healing that strengthens our soul.

Such a relationship necessitates two people committed to a spiritual process. Of course, relationships require safety. Learning to value and protect ourselves are also lessons on our spiritual journey. When we don’t feel safe, we have an inherent right and duty to protect ourselves — not through defensive maneuvers, but by directly expressing our feelings, needs, and wants. Sometimes, we must set boundaries or leave a toxic relationship.

Relationship as a spiritual path requires a willingness to experience the pain of working through our fears and old programming and a belief that in truthfulness lies freedom. In most cases, couples get closer. A healthy relationship will flourish, and an inappropriate one will end.

Copyright Darlene Lancer 2019

“A goal properly set is halfway reached.” – Zig Ziglar

Losing weight is often challenging. While there are many diets and strategies you can apply, there’s a general framework that helps many to succeed: goal setting. This helps us to not only plot a course, but to prepare for it in advance, and to adjust along the way accordingly.

One of the most common ways to set and achieve goals is by setting what are called SMART goals. These are goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. Some of those letters stand for slightly different things depending on who you ask, so you may find variations in some. SMART goals help us to clearly define our expected outcomes and increase accountability. However, they happen to leave out a big piece of the puzzle. Before we find that missing puzzle piece, let’s first review what a SMART goal is…

Specific

The S in SMART stands for specific. It means that your goal isn’t at all vague. Otherwise, your goal is like jumping in your car without direction versus having a specific destination in mind. For instance, you can express the desire to lose weight, which is a great start!

But, what’s missing is that it doesn’t tell us how much weight you plan on losing. Saying that you want to lose 20 lbs makes it specific. And a plan to lose 10 lbs will look different compared to one aimed at losing 50 lbs.

Measurable

M stands for measurable. How measurable is your weight loss goal? Even if you didn’t have access to a scale (or if you prefer to not use one), how would you know how you’re doing? What metrics could you use? Ask yourself: what are the signs that you’re progressing towards your goal? What are the signs that you’ve veered off course? The key is to not only keep the end goal in mind, but to be able to measure your progress (or lack thereof) along the way. This feedback will prove invaluable on your weight loss journey.

For instance, if you were to drive from New York to California, an indicator of progress might be being greeted with a sign that says “Welcome to Ohio” as opposed to “Welcome to Massachusetts.” That tells you that you’re headed in the right direction, even though you still have most of the country left to traverse. But if you were to end up in Massachusetts, then that would help you to realize you’re going the wrong way well before you ended up in Maine!

Attainable

A stands for attainable. This refers to your ability to achieve your goals. Ideally, your goals should be a little bit of a stretch, but not be a leap. Otherwise, you set yourself up for failure instead of setting yourself up for success. An attainable goal will push you a little bit outside of your comfort zone. But, without some stretching, there can’t be growth. At the same time, your goals shouldn’t be so overwhelming that even small steps along the way feel intimidating and overwhelming.  

Relevant

R stands for relevant, although many use realistic instead. To me, realistic is covered under attainable. Making sure your goal is relevant means that it makes sense to what you’re trying to achieve in the first place. For example, coming back to our cross country drive, making a point to visit a baseball stadium in every state you pass through would be irrelevant to losing weight. It would not only make your drive significantly longer, but it would also take your focus off your goal. Given the foods they typically serve at sporting events, it probably wouldn’t align well with a weight loss goal either!

Time-bound

The last letter, T, stands for time-bound. That is, what is the time frame you’ve decided on for achieving your goal? The time frame of your goal will dictate everything else you’re doing. Coming back to our cross country journey, it would vary quite a bit if the drive was to be completed in 4 days versus a month. In the case of the latter, you could make more stops so long as the stops didn’t detract from your ultimate goal.

Deciding on an appropriate time-frame is important. How quickly would you like to achieve your weight loss goal? Consider what’s realistic when reflecting on this as losing 20 lbs in month may be possible, but it’s not a healthy rate of weight loss and certainly may not be sustainable. In general, losing 1-2 lbs per week is ideal.

Get SMARTER

Now that you’re familiar with what SMART goals are, can you see what’s missing? Here’s a hint: think about the motivation for the goal. Why is your particular goal important to you? Hence, SMART goals needed to be SMARTER so I added the ER which stands for: evocative reasons.

It doesn’t matter if your why feels superficial (e.g. to look good at the beach), but that it’s important to you. The more whys you can accumulate, the stronger your motivation will be. These are important reasons to keep in mind to help you stay the course when the going gets tough.

But why?

If you’re having a hard time coming up with your big whys, then think about this. If you were to trace your life into the future and you didn’t lose weight, what would that life look like? Get as specific as you can and try to imagine future events. Next, reflect on what would happen if you did achieve your goals. Trace that life into the future and think about what it would look like. How might it differ if you lost weight and kept it off for good?

Don’t beat yourself up.

One common pitfall with losing weight is losing perspective. This often happens when we veer off course and find that the scale moves in the opposite direction, for instance. The key is to not let it discourage you. Instead, do your best to learn from it. I know this might sound easier said than done, especially if it’s blown you off course before. But when this happens, I encourage you to dig deeper about why this recurs. You may also consider adjusting your goal so it’s less of a stretch. In the end, it’s better to achieve a small goal rather than to fail at a larger one.  

So, what does SMARTER weight loss look like for you?

Pie or cake? Netflix or a movie out? Stay at your job, or look for a new one? From little stuff to life-changing choices, we must make decisions every day. While some people are eager to make choices, others can become paralyzed by even seemingly simple decisions.

Lauren’s friends from college have been bugging her about their beach trip next weekend. She just can’t decide if she wants to go or not. She isn’t much of a beach person, but she usually has fun hanging out with this bunch. Every time she’s on the verge of committing to going, an uncomfortable “What if…” thought pops into her mind: “What if we don’t all along anymore and it’s awkward all weekend? What if I get sunburned? But what if I stay home and then my friends stop asking me to do stuff?”

If you recognize Lauren’s challenge, you may find that you also struggle with certain kinds of choices. Maybe, like Lauren, you have trouble making decisions about your social life. Or maybe you get immobilized thinking about whether to look for a new job or change your career altogether. Some people get so overwhelmed by both personal and career choices that it can get in the way of doing what’s important to them.

Making choices is hard and it’s gotten harder.

In The Paradox of Choice, Barry Schwartz concludes that increased choice leads to anxiety and distress. “Learning to choose is hard,” he writes, “Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is harder still, perhaps too hard.”

If this is you, you are not alone. It can take a lot of mental energy to make a decision, and the internet and proliferation of choices just make it more difficult. We increasingly receive the message that our lives can be creations of own design. So, if your life is totally up to you, why not make it perfect? It is easy to feel the growing pressure around cultivating a social media existence for ourselves.

Don’t believe everything your mind tells you.

“Ok, so decision making can be hard,” you say, “but why am I totally paralyzed?” If you are stuck in the midst of a decision-making process, it is probably because your mind is playing some very cunning tricks on you. It has you convinced that you need to make the best choice, and definitely avoid the “wrong” choice at any cost (even the cost of not making any choice at all). It has also told you that you need to feel absolutely sure that everything will work out before you make a choice. And finally, your mind has repeatedly reminded you that you’re really “going to regret it!” if you screw this up.

Fortunately, you can learn to recognize your mind’s tricks for what they are. Here are some concrete steps you can take to respond to these tricks and get unstuck.

1. Realize that there might not be a “right” or “wrong” choice.

Our minds can get stuck in a trap of trying to select the best option. On the surface, always aiming for the best choice may seem like a good idea. But in reality, we can’t try out — or even know about — all of the options available, or their consequences. Which means that it isn’t ever possible to be certain that we have picked the best choice.  

Instead, we can remember that there are many ways we can accomplish our goals, nurture our values, and feel happy. Searching for the best option leads you to believe that if you can pick the right choice, you can avoid disappointment, pain, or failure. The truth is that we can make a great choice and something can still go wrong. It is also true that we can recover, or even thrive, in the aftermath of a choice that doesn’t work out the way we’d hoped.

There is more than one route to most destinations. And even if we take a circuitous path there, it is much better to get out on the road than just sitting parked in our driveway.  

2. Learn to increase your tolerance of uncertainty about yourself and about the choice.

Don’t buy into the myth that you’ll “just know it” when you’ve made the right decision. In fact, making a difficult choice involves accepting the ambiguity and uncertainty that come with it. And, for some people, uncertainty can be particularly uncomfortable.

Research suggests that people’s ability to tolerate uncertainty may have an important impact on how they make decisions. One study found that intolerance of uncertainty causes some people to “perseverate, worry, and become anxious but not act, while others may act quickly, even accepting negative consequences, in order to resolve the uncertainty.” In other words, in an attempt to manage the fear of uncertainty, people might either avoid decision making or make an impulsive choice to just get it over with.

Clearly, neither of these responses are very helpful. It’s important to understand that avoiding anxiety and uncertainty may come at the cost of making a good choice. While your anxiety may be telling you that you need to be certain, it’s just not true. Moving forward with decision making may actually require you to move toward a feeling of doubt, instead of away from it. This means that if you decided to move forward with looking for a new job, you can expect some anxiety and doubt to come up each step along the way – from reading job ads to negotiating a job offer. These are normal feelings and not an indication that you’re headed down the wrong path.

3. Get grounded in the real options before you.

Is it possible that you feel unwarranted fear or unfounded fantasy because you haven’t yet taken a cold hard look at actual choices in front of you? Sometimes when I’m struggling to make a choice, I realize that I am comparing a real option with a hypothetical one that has all the qualities I want but none of the ones I don’t. For example, when planning a vacation, I might try to decide between Florida and some imagined destination that is quaint and relaxing, but with tons to do and not yet overrun with other visitors. As my mind diligently weighs the options, it fails to tell me that one of them does not really exist!

One way our mind manages uncertainty is by trying to distract us with all sorts of red herrings. It tells us that we need to sort through our confusion or figure out all of the possible outcomes before we can make a choice. As long as we are confused, stuck in our imagination, or trying to address unanswerable questions, we are not making decisions, and then we don’t have to face our fears about making the wrong one.

Try to notice if your mind is playing one of these tricks on you. It might be telling you that you just need to work things out in your head a little more before you move forward.  If so, it is essential to get out of your mind and into looking at real possibilities out there. Gathering information may be very anxiety provoking and time consuming, but it’s a necessary step to gaining clarity on the choices in front of you.    

4. Stop beating yourself up about every little thing.

Discover how being compassionate with yourself can help you to problem solve and make better choices in the future. Many of us are caught in the trap of believing that being hard on ourselves will make us better in the end. It’s like we have a critical coach in our heads, yelling and throwing chairs every time something goes wrong. Think about how much pressure that adds to our decision-making process.

Increasingly, research shows that self-compassion — not self-criticism — is helpful for building motivation and resilience. In numerous studies, scholar Kristin Neff has found that self-compassion can reduce anxiety, increase initiative, and foster our ability to cope when things don’t go our way.

You can start today by noticing and letting up on yourself when you begin to beat yourself up about regrets. When you hear your mind telling you “That was such a stupid mistake!,” you might try to add, “Ok, this sucks. But I’m doing the best I can.” This is true! While we all make bad choices at times, we always do so with the hope that it’s going to work out for the best.

Putting It All Together

Difficult choices usually involve uncertainty about the future and doubt about our own abilities. It’s not easy to decide what to do next, especially in a fast-changing world full of options. But each decision avoided is also an opportunity missed. Growth and success require taking healthy risks. We can think of each choice as a step toward the life we want to be living.

Resources

Gilbert, D. T., & Ebert, J. E. J. (2002). Decisions and revisions: The affective forecasting of changeable outcomes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82(4), 503-514.

Iyengar, S. (2011). The art of choosing. New York: Twelve.

Luhmann, C. C., Ishida, K., & Hajcak, G. (2011). Intolerance of uncertainty and decisions about delayed, probabilistic rewards. Behavior Therapy, 42(3), 378-386.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. New York: William Morrow.

Schwartz, B. (2005). The paradox of choice: Why more is less. New York: Harper Perennial.