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What are flashbulb memories?

The theory of flashbulb memories was proposed by Roger Brown and James Kulik in 1977 after they investigated memories of the JFK assassination. They found that people had very vivid memories of when they received the news including exactly what they were doing, the weather, and the smells in the air. 

They defined flashbulb memories as unusually vivid memories of a surprising and emotionally arousing event. 

Their theory encouraged three main questions:

1. What is the physiological basis of flashbulb memories?
2. Is the vividness of the memory created by the event or is it due to rehearsal?
3. How accurate are flashbulb memories? 

The Physiological Basis

Sharot, et al. (2007), conducted a study three years after the 9/11 terrorist attacks. The participants had all been geographically close to the World Trade Center, some very close in downtown Manhattan while others were a little farther away in Midtown. The participants were placed in an fMRI scanner and asked to recall memories from the attacks and from a control event. The results showed that 83% of the downtown Manhattan participants exhibited a selective activation of the amygdala (responsible for processing emotions) when retrieving the 9/11 memories. This activation was only observed in 40% of the Midtown participants. Therefore, the results of this experiment: 

1. Support Brown and Kulik’s theory that emotional arousal is key to flashbulb memories
2. Suggest that flashbulb memories have a unique neural basis
3. Found that close personal experiences are critical in engaging the neural mechanism that underlies flashbulb memories

Event versus Rehearsal

Researchers conducted a study on flashbulb memories of the Loma Prieta earthquake in northern California shortly after in happened and then again 18 months later (Neisser, et al., 1996). Some of the participants were Californian while others were on the opposite coast of the US in Atlanta. The Californians recollections of the earthquake was nearly perfect and the Atlantans who had family members in California during the earthquake’s memories were considerably more accurate than those who had no connections. However, no correlation was found between emotional arousal and recall. This then suggested that repeated narrative rehearsal, the fact that some participants discussed the event more than others, may have played a role. Therefore, the study suggests that the vividness of flashbulb memories is actually due to rehearsal rather than the event itself.

A 1988 study published in the journal Cognition conducted a similar research on flashbulb memories of the Challenger Space Shuttle disaster of 1986 in which the shuttle exploded moments after take off, resulting in the deaths of seven on board (Bohannon, 1988). The participant interviews included questions about their emotional reactions and how many times they discussed the tragedy with other people. The results showed that both higher levels of emotional arousal and rehearsal correlated with greater vividness of recall.

Overall, these studies seem to demonstrate that both emotional arousal and rehearsal contribute to the vividness of flashbulb memories. Therefore, the theory of flashbulb memories was shifted to accommodate for the factor of rehearsal.

The Accuracy

Neisser and Harsch (1992) examined participants’ memories of the Challenger Space Shuttle disaster by giving them a questionnaire the day of the incident and then again 3 years later. The results showed very low consistency of responses. On average, the participants answered correctly only about 42% of the time. However, the participants were very confident in the correctness of their memory and were very surprised by and unable to explain their low scores.

Talarico and Rubin (2003) conducted a similar study on flashbulb memories of the 9/11 attacks. Participants recorded their memory of the tragedy the day after as well as a regular everyday memory. They were then tested again 1, 6, or 32 weeks later for both memories. They also rated their level of emotion response, the vividness of the memories, and their confidence in the accuracy. The findings showed that there was no difference in accuracy between the flashbulb and everyday memory; the accuracy declined over time for both. However, rating of vividness and belief in accuracy stayed consistently high for the flashbulb memories. This suggests that emotional response only corresponds with belief in accuracy but not actual accuracy of the memory. Therefore, Talarico and Rubin concluded that flashbulb memories are only special in their perceived accuracy because besides participants’ high levels of confidence in their remembrance, very little distinguishes flashbulb memories from normal memories.

Conclusion

Flashbulb memories are a fascinating but still unclear phenomenon. While research suggests that flashbulb memories 1) have a physiological basis, 2) include several factors such as event and rehearsal, 3) and only seem to be special in their perceived accuracy, there is still more to be investigated. 

Moreover, there are several inherent limitations that must be considered with studies in this area. For instance, most research on flashbulb memories tends to focus on reactions to negative public events which is a difficult variable to manipulate; for this reason, most flashbulb memory studies yield correlational results. While correlational studies can find relationships between variables, such as emotional arousal and flashbulb memories, no assumptions can be made about the nature of the relationship. This also contributes to the lack of information on this topic.

An alternative approach would be to focus on personal traumatizing events and their effect on memory. However, such research would most likely be case studies which presents issues of low standardization.

Because of these conflicting issues and limitations, flashbulb memory is a difficult concept to pursue which is why much of the phenomenon still requires clarification.

References

Bohannon, J.N. (1988). Flashbulb memories for the space shuttle disaster: A tale of two theories. Cognition, 29(2): 179-196.

Brown, R. & Kulik, J. (1977). Flashbulb memories. Cognition, 5(1): 73-99.

Neisser, U. & Harsh, N. (1992). Phantom flashbulbs: False recollections of hearing the news about Challenger. In Winograd, E., & Neidder, U. (Eds). Affect and Accuracy in Recall: Studies of flashbulb memories. New York: Cambridge University Press.

Neisser, U., Winograd, E., Bergman, E.T., Schreiber, C.A., Palmer, S.E. & Weldon, M.S. (1996). Remembering the earthquake: Direct experience vs. hearing the news. Memory, 4(4): 337-357.

Sharot, T., Martorella, E.A., Delgado, M.R. & Phelps, E.A. (2007). How personal experience modulates the neural circuitry of memories of September 11. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 104(1): 389-394.

Talarico, J.M. & Rubin, D.C. (2003).Confidence, not consistency, characterizes flashbulb memories. Psychological Science, 14(5): 455-461.

I recently re-read Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning and it prompted me to share his vision for what logotherapy is, and how it can help one to not just endure life’s struggles and challenges on a daily basis, but how to effectively navigate life’s hardships with vigor, alacrity and grace. 

Viktor Frankl is the founder of logotherapy, a form of psychotherapy that he developed after surviving Nazi concentration camps in the 1940s. After his experience in the camps, he developed a theory that it is through a search for meaning and purpose in life that individuals can endure hardship and suffering. Today, logotherapy is recognized as one of the scientifically-based schools of psychotherapy by the American Medical Society, American Psychiatric Association, and the American Psychological Association.

Viktor Frankl was born March 26, 1905 and died September 2, 1997, in Vienna, Austria. He was influenced during his early life by Sigmund Freud and Alfred Adler, and earned a medical degree from the University of Vienna Medical School in 1930. By the time of his death, his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, had been published in 24 languages.

Frankl believed that humans are motivated by something called a “will to meaning,” which equates to a desire to find meaning in life. He argued that life can have meaning even in the most miserable of circumstances, and that the motivation for living comes from finding that meaning. Taking it a step further, Frankl wrote: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of the human freedoms, to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” 

This opinion was based on his experiences of suffering, and his attitude of finding meaning through the suffering. In this way, Frankl believed that when we can no longer change a situation, we are forced to change ourselves. This is a very powerful message.

“Logos” is the Greek word for meaning, and logotherapy involves helping a patient find personal meaning in life. Frankl provided a brief overview of the theory in Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl believed in three core properties on which his theory and therapy were based:

• Each person has a healthy core.
• One’s primary focus is to enlighten others to their own internal resources and provide them tools to use their inner core.
• Life offers purpose and meaning but does not promise fulfillment or happiness.

Going a step further, logotherapy proposes that meaning in life can be discovered in three distinct ways:

• By creating a work or doing a deed.
• By experiencing something or encountering someone.
• By the attitude that we take toward unavoidable suffering.

An example that is often given to explain the basic tenets of logotherapy is the story of Frankl meeting with an elderly general practitioner who was struggling to overcome depression after the loss of his wife. Frankl helped the elderly man to see that his purpose had been to spare his wife the pain of losing him first.

Logotherapy consists of six basic assumptions that overlap with the fundamental constructs and ways of seeking meaning listed above:

• Body, Mind, and Spirit. The human being is an entity that consists of a body (soma), mind (psyche), and spirit (noos). Frankl argued that we have a body and mind, but the spirit is what we are, or our essence. Frankl’s theory was not based on religion or theology, but often had parallels to these.
• Life Has Meaning in All Circumstances. Frankl believed that life has meaning in all circumstances, even the most miserable ones. This means that even when situations seem objectively terrible, there is a higher level of order that involves meaning.
• Humans Have a Will to Meaning. Logotherapy proposes that humans have a will to meaning, which means that meaning is our primary motivation for living and acting, and allows us to endure pain and suffering. This is viewed as differing from the will to achieve power and pleasure.
• Freedom to Find Meaning. Frankl argued that in all circumstances, individuals have the freedom to access that will to find meaning. This is based on his experiences of pain and suffering and choosing his attitude in a situation that he could not change.
• Meaning of the Moment. The fifth assumption argues that for decisions to be meaningful, individuals must respond to the demands of daily life in ways that match the values of society or their own conscience.
• Individuals Are Unique. Frankl believed that every individual is unique and irreplaceable.

Frankl believed that it was possible to turn suffering into achievement and accomplishment. He viewed guilt as an opportunity to change oneself for the better, and life transitions as the chance to take responsible action. In this way, this psychotherapy was aimed at helping people to make better use of their “spiritual” resources to withstand adversity. In his books, he often used his own personal experiences to explain concepts to the reader.

It’s easy to see how some of the techniques of logotherapy overlap with newer forms of treatment such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). In this way, logotherapy may be a complementary approach for these behavior and thought-based treatments. 

Frankl strongly believed in empirical research and encouraged it. A systematic review of research evidence pertaining to logotherapy conducted in 2016 found correlations pertaining to logotherapy in the following areas/conditions of life:

• Correlation between presence of meaning in life, search for meaning in life, and life satisfaction, happiness
• Lower meaning in life among patients with mental disorders
• Search for meaning and presence of meaning as a resilience factor
• Correlation between meaning in life and suicidal thoughts in cancer patients
• Effectiveness of a logotherapy program for early adolescents with cancer
• Effectiveness of logotherapy on depression in children
• Effectiveness of logotherapy in reducing job burnout, empty nest syndrome
• Correlation with marital satisfaction

Overall, and not surprisingly, there is evidence that meaning in life correlates with better mental health. It is suggested that this knowledge might be applied in areas such as phobias, pain and guilt, grief, as well as for disorders such as schizophrenia, depression, substance abuse, post-traumatic stress, and anxiety. Frankl believed that many illnesses or mental health issues are disguised “existential angst” and that people struggle with lack of meaning, which he referred to as the “existential vacuum.” 

So how can one apply the principles of logotherapy to improve your everyday life?

• Create something. Just as Frankl suggested, creating something (e.g., art) gives you a sense of purpose, which can add meaning to your life.
• Develop relationships. The supportive nature of spending time with others will help you to develop more of a sense of meaning in your life.
• Find purpose in pain. If you are going through something bad, try to find a purpose in it. Even if this is a bit of mental trickery, it will help to see you through. For example, if a family member is going through medical treatments for a disease, view your purpose as being there to support that person.
• Understand that life is not fair. There is nobody keeping score, and you will not necessarily be dealt a fair deck. However, life can always have meaning, even in the worst of situations.
• Freedom to find meaning. Remember that you are always free to make meaning out of your life situation. Nobody can take that away from you.
• Focus on others. Try to focus outside of yourself to get through feeling stuck about a situation.
• Accept the worst. When you go out seeking the worse, it reduces the power that it has over you.

While concepts of logotherapy continue to be studied to this day, you aren’t likely to hear of people receiving this type of treatment directly. Rather, the components of logotherapy are more likely to be intertwined with other therapies or treatments. If you feel like stress is taking over your life, and you grapple with how to incorporate more meaning into your life, explore his work further, and consequently you will learn how to better manage its effects, while finding comfort in surprisingly simple routines.

Article Sources:

• Frankl, Viktor. Man’s Search for Meaning. Boston: Beacon Press, 1959.
• Frankl Viktor. The Will to Meaning: Foundations and Applications of Logotherapy. New York, NY: Penguin, 1988
• Thir M, Batthyany A. The State of Empirical Research on Logotherapy and Existential Analysis. In: Logotherapy and Existential Analysis: Proceedings of the Viktor Frankl Institute Vienna, Volume 1. 2016: pp.53-74. 
• Viktor Frankl Institute of Logotherapy. Logotherapy.

There’s plenty of advice out there on how to get over a breakup, but what about those situations in which you have to let go of someone you were interested in and barely know? Maybe you developed feelings for someone who you chatted with online for a couple of weeks, but then it fizzled prior to the first date. Or you were really excited about someone who you went out with a handful of times but it never led to anything serious and your feelings weren’t reciprocated. Maybe this person caught your attention and you can’t stop your mind from thinking about what could have been. Regardless of the specifics, you may find yourself obsessing about this person and feeling stuck. Getting over someone you didn’t have the opportunity to date or someone you didn’t date for very long can still be a challenging and emotional journey.

Here are four tips for moving on and getting over someone you don’t know well, but feel intensely drawn to:

1. First and foremost, be compassionate with yourself as you process the rejection. What’s important here is allowing yourself to feel the pain of rejection without getting stuck or avoiding how you feel. Rejection stings. Loss hurts. Even though you might feel silly being so invested in someone you don’t know well, the truth is being rejected by someone you never met or barely know can also be upsetting, especially if you had high hopes. It’s natural to feel disappointed when something potentially exciting doesn’t work out. Give yourself permission to acknowledge your feelings without judgment. This will also take a toll on your confidence. If you are able to feel your emotions, they will pass sooner and you can move on and date with a clean slate.

2. Acknowledge how your feelings for this person are based mostly on fantasy. As mentioned above, you are allowed to feel upset about the relationship not taking off or missing an opportunity to get to know someone you believe could be your ideal person. However, it is important to note that the majority of your feelings toward this person and your ideas about them are coming from your own narrative. It’s likely you’re romanticizing what it would be like to date this person, making them more appealing than in reality. Our brains don’t do well with uncertainty, and we’re very good at theorizing, guessing and creating stories. So, many of your assumptions and fantasies are based on your mind due to gaps in concrete information. Give yourself a reality check and remind yourself you are allowed to feel let down, but much of your interest in this person may be fueled by your perception. In fact, this person may actually be closer to stranger status than friend status. Much of what you may be fantasizing about may not be accurate, so letting go of your thoughts and addressing how they impact your feelings, are crucial steps in moving on.

3. Understand focusing on a specific person will keep you closed to others and interfere with being present for other conversations and dates. Obsessing about one particular person is bound to leave you less receptive to other potential partners. You may be tempted to avoid dating altogether or feel generally unmotivated. If you do go on dates, you may be closed, distracted, uninterested or just going through the motions, not really giving your dates a fair opportunity to get to know you. You may compare every potential partner to the person you are trying to get over, causing you to be extra picky and hard on others. Having the awareness that all of the above outcomes may occur if you are stuck on one person is essential in taking the steps to move on and let go. This awareness will also help you catch yourself engaging in these habits.

4. Move toward acceptance, put yourself out there and don’t give up on your dating and relationship goals. Allow yourself to grieve, feel upset and unmotivated, and take a break from dating if you need time to heal and readjust your expectations. Have acceptance as your goal. Letting go of this person may feel like a temporary setback, but staying aligned with your goals and values will lead to confidence and intentional action.

Getting over someone you didn’t know well may not be the same level of heartbreak as the end of a long-term relationship, but it can still feel challenging. Responding to your thoughts and feelings in healthy ways, and giving yourself a reality check when you catch yourself in a fantasy world, will help ease your suffering and allow you to get back out there.

Rachel Dack is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC), Nationally Certified Counselor (NCC) and dating/relationship coach, who provides counseling and coaching services at her private practice in Bethesda, Maryland and by phone. Rachel’s areas of expertise include dating, relationships, self-love, anxiety, breakups, and divorce. Rachel serves as the leading Women’s Relationship Expert for Dating Advice.com and has been interviewed by a variety of media sources, including Bravo TV, The Washington Post, Counseling Today, PsychCentral, Redbook, Bustle, wtop, and more.  Follow her on Twitter , Instagram  and Facebook for more daily wisdom and dating/relationship tips!

The post Getting Over the Fantasy of Dating Someone appeared first on eharmony Advice.

Falling in love happens to us — usually before we really know our partner. It happens to us because we’re at the mercy of unconscious forces, commonly referred to as “chemistry.” Don’t judge yourself for loving someone who doesn’t treat you with care and respect, because by the time the relationship turns abusive, we’re attached and want to maintain our connection and love. There may have been hints of abuse in the beginning that we overlooked, because abusers are good at seduction and wait until they know we’re hooked before showing their true colors. By then, our love is cemented and doesn’t die easily. It’s difficult to leave an abuser. It’s possible and even probable to know we’re unsafe and still love an abuser. Research shows that even victims of violence on average experience seven incidents before permanently leaving their partner. 

It can feel humiliating to stay in an abusive relationship. Those who don’t understand ask why we love someone abusive and why we stay. We don’t have good answers. But there are valid reasons. Our motivations are outside our awareness and control, because we’re wired to attach for survival. These instincts control our feelings and behavior.

Deny to Survive

If we weren’t treated with respect in our family and have low self-esteem, we will tend to deny abuse. We won’t expect to be treated better than how we were controlled, demeaned, or punished by a parent. Denial doesn’t mean we don’t know what’s happening. Instead, we minimize or rationalize it and/or its impact. We may not realize it’s actually abuse.

Research shows we deny for survival to stay attached and procreate for survival of the species. Facts and feelings that would normally undermine love are minimized or twisted so that we overlook them or blame ourselves in order to keep loving. By appeasing our partner and connecting to love, we stop hurting. Love is rekindled and we feel safe again. 

Projection, Idealization, and Repetition Compulsion

When we fall in love, if we haven’t worked through trauma from our childhood, we’re more susceptible to idealizing our partner when dating. It’s likely that we will seek out someone who reminds us of a parent with whom we have unfinished business, not necessarily of our opposite sex parent. We might be attracted to someone who has aspects of both parents. Our unconscious is trying to mend our past by reliving it in the hopes that we’ll master the situation and receive the love we didn’t get as a child. This helps us overlook signs that would be predictive of trouble.

The Cycle of Abuse

After an abusive episode, often there’s a honeymoon period. This is part of the Cycle of Abuse. The abuser may seek connection and act romantic, apologetic, or remorseful. Regardless, we’re relieved that there’s peace for now. We believe promises that it will never happen again, because we want to and because we’re wired to attach. The breech of the emotional bond feels worse than the abuse. We yearn to feel connected again.

Often the abuser professes to love us. We want to believe it and feel reassured about the relationship, hopeful, and lovable. Our denial provides an illusion of safety. This is called the “Merry-Go-Round” of denial that happens in alcoholic relationships after a bout of drinking followed by promises of sobriety.

Low Self-Esteem

Due to low self-esteem, we believe the abuser’s belittling, blame, and criticisms, which further lessen our self-esteem and confidence in our own perceptions. They intentionally do this for power and control. We’re brainwashed into thinking we have to change in order to make the relationship work. We blame ourselves and try harder to meet the abuser’s demands.

We may interpret sexual overtures, crumbs of kindness, or just absence of abuse as signs of love or hope that the relationship will improve. Thus, as trust in ourselves declines, our love and idealization of the abuser remain intact. We may even doubt that we could find anything better.

Empathy

Many of us have empathy for the abuser but not for ourselves. We are unaware of our needs and would feel ashamed asking for them. This makes us susceptible to manipulation, if an abuser plays the victim, exaggerates guilt, shows remorse, blames us, or talks about a troubled past (they usually have one). Our empathy feeds our denial system by supplying justification, rationalization, and minimization of the pain we endure.

Most victims hide the abuse from friends and relatives to protect the abuser, both out of empathy and shame about being abused. Secrecy is a mistake and gives the abuser more power. 

Positive Aspects

Undoubtedly the abuser and the relationship have positive aspects that we enjoy or miss, especially the early romance and good times. We recall or look forward to their recurrence if we stay. We imagine if only he or she would control his or her anger, or agree to get help, or just change one thing, everything would be better. This is our denial.

Often abusers are also good providers, offer a social life, or have special talents. Narcissists can be exceedingly interesting and charming. Many spouses claim that they enjoy the narcissist’s company and lifestyle despite the abuse. People with a borderline personality can light up your life with excitement … when they’re in a good mood. Sociopaths can pretend to be whatever you want … for their own purposes. You won’t realize what they’re up to for some time. 

Intermittent Reinforcement

When we receive occasional and unpredictable positive and negative intermittent reinforcement, we keep looking for the positive. It keeps us addictively hooked. Partners may be emotionally unavailable or have an avoidant attachment style. They may periodically want closeness. After a wonderful, intimate evening, they pull away, shut down, or are abusive. When we don’t hear from the person, we become anxious and keep seeking closeness. We mislabel our pain and longing as love. 

Especially people with a personality disorder might intentionally do this to manipulate and control us with rejection or withholding. Then they randomly fulfill our needs. We become addicted to seeking a positive response.

Over time, periods of withdrawal are longer, but we’re trained to stay, walk on eggshells, and wait and hope for connection. This is called “trauma bonding” due to repeated cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates emotional bonds that resist change. It explains why abusive relationships are the most difficult to leave, and we become codependent on the abuser. We may completely lose ourselves trying to please and not displease the abuser. Bits of kindness or closeness feel all the more poignant (like make-up sex) because we’re been starved and are relieved to feel loved. This feeds the Cycle of Abuse.

Abusers will turn on the charm if you threaten to leave, but it’s just another temporary ploy to reassert control. Expect to go through withdrawal after you leave. You may still miss and love your abusive ex. 

When we feel completely under the control of the abuser and can’t escape from physical injury, we can develop “Stockholm Syndrome,” a term applied to captives. Any act of kindness or even absence of violence feels like a sign of friendship and being cared for. The abuser seems less threatening, and we start imagining that they’re our friend and we’re in this together. 

This occurs in intimate relationships that are less perilous due to the power of chemistry, physical attraction, and sexual bonding. We’re loyal to a fault. We want to protect the abuser whom we’re attached to rather than ourselves. We feel guilty talking to outsiders, leaving the relationship, or calling the police. Outsiders who try to help feel threatening. For example, counselors and Twelve-Step Programs may be viewed as interlopers who “want to brainwash and separate us.” This reinforces the toxic bond and isolates us from help … what the abuser wants!

Steps You Can Take

If you feel trapped in a relationship or can’t get over your ex:

• Seek support and professional help. Attend Co-Dependents Anonymous meetings.
• Get information and challenge your denial. 
• Report violence and take steps to protect yourself from violence and emotional abuse.
• When you miss the abuser or are longing for attention, in your mind substitute the parent whom you’re projecting on your partner. Write about and grieve that relationship. 
• Be more loving to yourself. Meet your needs.
• Learn to set boundaries.

©Darlene Lancer 2019

I have a come clean confession for you. I hear voices and, I daresay, you do too. They come uninvited at random times, often when I am attempting to tumble into much needed slumber. They awaken me once I have entered that state and run around in my head with their fingers in their symbolic ears going, “nanny nanny boo boo.” Although they are not the tortuous barraging of a person with a mental health diagnosis such as schizophrenia or other psychotic disorders, they are still deeply disturbing.

They tell me things like, “You will never do enough, be enough or have enough.” They infiltrate my façade of confidence with reminders that if I were “all that,” I would be more successful in my areas of endeavor. They hammer at me with the juxtaposed thoughts that, although I have worked hard, earned my chops and deserve the position I am in, I shouldn’t brag about it, so other people won’t judge me as “full of myself.” At other times, they remind me of all the items left undone on my never ending to-do list.

They shower me with reminders that I need to keep proving myself to remain visible and consequential. The really personal voices tell me that I will never find the love of my life, since it has been more than 20 years since I have been in a committed relationship with short-term partners, lovers and friends with benefits interspersed in the interceding years. They warn me about my aging body as I am now 60 and have noticed that I don’t have the speed, stamina, strength or flexibility that I had in previous decades.

The most frightening message is also tied to aging and that is that my memory takes a vacation at times as words, people’s names, directions, lists of things I need to do, and even writing prompts slip between the cracks of my brain. Eventually, I am able to recall what I need to know. Once I take a deep breath and surrender the compulsion to pull up the information, it usually returns with a resounding “ta-da!” (This article falls into that category as the idea came to me in the wee hours this morning.)

On the flip side, those insistent voices can also be positive and informative. The prompting that led me to meet my husband in 1986 was one such message. The way I was called to become an ordained interfaith minister was another. Each day in sessions with clients, I receive internal guidance to share certain pieces of information that seem to come out of nowhere which have them shaking their heads in bewilderment and asking how I knew what I told them. My response is that when we are tapped into the flow of life, we are an open channel for what can come through. Call it intuition, if you will, since as a career therapist I avail myself of it daily.

One of my favorite movies about the power of listening to the Voice is the Kevin Costner, James Earl Jones classic Field of Dreams (based on W.P. Kinsella’s novella Shoeless Joe). Costner’s character Ray Kinsella is the son of a would-be Major League baseball player who rebelled against his more mainstream father John. He becomes enamored of the writings of Terrence Mann (the resonant-voiced James Earl Jones), an erstwhile rebellious author from the 1960s. They had the opportunity to meet only after Ray plows under his Iowa cornfield to construct a baseball field. He was guided by the words, “If you build it, he will come.” The “he” was not who Ray imagined he might have been. As the story unfolds, he follows the invocations to go to Boston to take Terrence to a baseball game because he was told to “Ease his pain,” where another message, “Go the distance,” was sprawled across the scoreboard. They continue to follow the Hansel and Gretel breadcrumb trail, to meet “Moonlight (a.k.a.) Doc” Graham whose desire was to play the game but instead became a medical doctor. When he had the chance to play on Kinsella’s field, he relinquished it to save a life. In case you haven’t seen it, I won’t spoil the ending, but know that following powerful guidance pays off miraculously. 

In the midst of this time-traveling tale, is the real-life predicament of financial ruin since the cash crop of corn was no longer viable when transformed into a baseball diamond. Toward the end of the film, Kinsella’s brother-in-law warns Kinsella that they will lose their house and land if he doesn’t sell the property to his business partners. He volleys back and forth between hearing Mann tell him that people will come to his field of dreams to watch games and brother-in-law cautioning him to be responsible. For the first time in countless viewings of the movie, it occurred to me that both were echoing the voice of fear and the voice of trust. 

When the snarky negative voices become too insistent and guide us down a perilous path, it is helpful to have a flashlight at the ready to steer us clear.

• Do a reality check by asking, “Is it really so, that you are not successful?” and then list your accomplishments.
• Imagine it having a form (animal, person, object) and engage in conversation with it. Make it a full sensory experience as you see, hear, taste, smell and touch the image before you.
• Ask the voices what they want you to know. Sometimes they show up to protect us from potential harm, even though it may see as if they are not warm and fuzzy.

When the positive voices make themselves known, you will be able to tell the difference since your gut won’t be twisting with trepidation. It will feel good to acknowledge them. Listen to their wisdom and step by step follow the path that may lead to your own field of dreams.

Meet Jaimie Seaton. She’s a writer and editor who’s been published in The Washington Post, Oprah’s O Magazine, and Marie Claire. She’s also a divorced mother of two teenagers navigating the dating world. We caught up with her to find out what it’s like dating as a divorced parent.

Tell us a little about you?

I live in New England. I’ve been technically divorced since 2016, but my husband actually left me in 2012. It took us a while to finalize the legal part. My children are now 19 and 16, so my son is at home while my daughter is away at college. I’m 54 years old and I was 34 when I married my ex-husband, so I’ve dated quite a lot.

What does your dating life look like and how has it evolved since your divorce?

I definitely believe there is a learning curve with dating after a marriage ends. In the beginning I was really hopeful and optimistic, and that made me very open. I think I was naive in that I assumed that I would take up dating where I left off, but I stopped dating in my early thirties. I was not the same person at 47. I had baggage, children, a routine and responsibilities. But it was refreshing because all the men I dated had the same issues. So dating was a whole other ballgame.

At this point, I am much more realistic about dating- about who I am and who my potential partners are. The years of middle-age dating taught me that there are a lot of men out there who aren’t healthy enough to date or don’t have the best intentions. I’m sure men will say the same thing about women. It’s tough out there, period.

What’s different for you about dating after divorce versus before?

The difference is that my children always enter into the equation. For instance, I won’t date a man who doesn’t have children, because only parents can truly appreciate that my children come first. For instance, if I have to cancel a date at the last minute because of something with my children, I know a parent will understand just as I would understand if a man cancels on me.

Also, when I was younger the possibilities were endless. There were so many men and I had so much time. Now I come with two children who I always put first. I know that there are not endless possibilities; there are actually few possibilities. In some ways that makes me less picky. I really want to find a partner for the rest of my life, and I realize that the person may not be perfect in every way. They may not offer everything on my wish list – and that’s okay. I’m not going to offer everything on their list. I’m looking for the bigger picture. Do we share enough traits? Can I see myself making room for him in my life?

Jamie Seaton. Photo by Morgan Lieberman © 2018 All Rights Reserved

What are particular concerns or considerations you have dating as a mother?

The first concern is safety. After that, it’s not having a revolving door of men. Children are naturally protective of their parents. I don’t want my children to have to experience every nuance of my dating life. That’s a big emotional investment for them, and they have their own emotions to take care of. Now that they are teenagers, I do tell them about dates, but they never meet them. I wouldn’t bring someone home unless we were getting serious.

Are there things that have surprised you about dating as a divorced woman?

I’m not sure if this has to do with being a divorced woman. I’m surprised at how much the men I date bad-mouth their ex-wives on the first date. It’s definitely not the first thing I want to hear about. It’s never good form to bad-mouth the mother of your children, even if it was a tough divorce. I’m also surprised that when I tell men about the unusually good relationship I have with my ex-husband, it seems to bother them. To me, the goal in divorce should be an amicable relationship, so I don’t understand why it would threaten someone.

What advice would you give those in similar situations looking to get back into the dating pool?

My advice would be to go very slowly and be cautious. When we are first going through a divorce our emotions are all over the place. It’s not the best time to make big decisions. Our judgment might be a little off. Men are going through the same thing. It can take a long time to get over a divorce. My advice is to be patient with yourself, don’t rush into anything; don’t believe everything someone tells you. Take care of your own heart, but try to stay open.

Anything else you think we should know?

The most upsetting part of dating at this age for me has been how little the men seem to care about the date. I always get dressed up for a first date. I want to look pretty and make a good impression. With very few exceptions, the men I’ve dated don’t seem to care. I’ve been on dates where the man showed up in workout clothes. The message it sends is that I’m not important enough to put in the effort. It’s a huge turnoff.

The second thing I’ve been shocked at is that men my age don’t want to pay for dates. I understand the younger generation splitting the tab, but on a first date, I expect my date to pay. If the man can’t afford a fancy dinner, he can invite me for a drink, or even a cup of coffee and a walk. The cost isn’t important; it’s the effort and thought behind the date. The last three dates I’ve had all expected me to pay for my half, which was embarrassing and insulting. Needless to say, I didn’t go out with any of them again.

Connect with Jaimie through her writer pages on Twitter and Facebook.

Cara Strickland writes about food and drink, mental health, faith and being single from her home in the Pacific Northwest. She enjoys hot tea, good wine, and deep conversations. She will always want to play with your dog. Connect with her on Twitter @anxiouscook.

The post What’s it’s Like to Date as a Divorced Parent appeared first on eharmony Advice.

After reading the title of this article, you instantly know who I’m talking about. The so-called life of the party exists in every town and city across the globe, and a few characteristics neatly define them. The life of the party: always looks fun, upbeat and happy; is gregarious and has social skills that could put a senator to shame; is extroverted and craves social interaction with groups; and is often both physically and emotionally appealing on the surface.

Given this constellation of traits and behaviors, what’s it like to date the life of the party? Moreover, what’s it like to have a long-term monogamous relationship with said person? If the answer were a headline in a newspaper (remember those?), it would read “Definite Costs and Benefits.” In other words, there are major advantages and disadvantages to dating the life of the party, and I’ll give comprehensive examples of both.

The advantages of dating the life of the party

Their social skills are exceptional. If there were a school for social skills, these individuals didn’t just graduate; they were Class President, Valedictorian and voted Most Likely to Succeed. Social settings are where these men and women flourish. They can talk to anyone and put the most anxious individuals at ease. These men and women are highly attuned to the personalities and emotional needs of others, and they thrive when interacting with large groups.

They are positive and hopeful, and they don’t dwell on anything negative. We could all use a little more optimism in our lives, right? Each of us has enough challenges or problems to deal with that a dose of positive energy can be extremely helpful in our daily lives. When you date someone who’s the life of the party, you can spend practically every day around that good cheer!

The disadvantages of dating the life of the party

Sometimes you’ll wish it were just the two of you. While dating someone with so many social gifts is unquestionably fun and exciting at times, it can also be a little exhausting. The life of the party, by definition, is always looking for a, uh, party, and parties and group gatherings can be wonderful. But most men and women like a fair amount of “down” time, or time to regroup and chill. If you date the life of the party, there will probably be a number of times in the future when you wish it were just the two of you, but others somehow are always invited to join.

The life of the party doesn’t act like the life of the party all the time. In many cases, the life of the party explodes onto a social scene with energy that could lift off a rocket. Yet the life of the party can’t keep up that kind of energy all day long. This means that social groups may get the best, most fun version of your date, while you see the quieter, more withdrawn side of your date behind closed doors. People often feel like there are two different sides to the life-of-the-party personality, and they sometimes wish the person they were dating just had one of those sides.
Certain types can be happy in a relationship with the life of the party – but only certain types.

Let me be clear: while the life of the party is not for everyone, there are scores of men and women who could be perfectly fine and happy in a relationship with this type of personality. If you’re going to date the life of the party happily, you can’t need to be the center of attention; you won’t care if most people seem more interested in talking to your date than you in a group setting; you can’t be insecure; you can’t be controlling; and you can’t be a jealous type. The person who fits well with the life of the party is someone who is patient, independent and easygoing.

Drawing boundaries with the life of the party is crucial to making the relationship work.

Because the life of the party is so social, individuals who date this type of personality will need to draw boundaries from time to time. Specifically, you may occasionally need to say, “Tonight for dinner, I would like to spend some quiet, one-on-one time with you.” On vacation, for example, you may want to draw a boundary about the days when you have one-on-one time and the days when you are open to engaging in group activities. For instance, say, “If it’s okay, I’d like to have one day where it’s just you and me.” If you draw boundaries and make sure that you get the one-on-one time you need with your partner, you can potentially have a long-lasting, happy relationship with the life of the party.

About the Author:

Dr. Seth is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

The post Is Dating the ‘Life of the Party’ a Bad Idea? appeared first on eharmony Advice.

“There is no illusion greater than fear.” – Lao Tzu

I was introduced to the book penned by Susan Jeffers back in the 1980s, called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. It was a revelation for me in my early adulthood that the two states didn’t need to exist independent of each other. I was not a particularly shy or fearful child, partly as a result of feeling secure in my home, surrounded by the love of immediate and extended family. I was reminded that I could do anything I wanted professionally as long as I enjoyed it and could support myself.

I was diagnosed with asthma at four years old and on occasion would wonder if I would be able to keep breathing when the lung compressing and heaving symptoms were in full force. Despite that, I remained physically active, climbing, running around, bicycling and swimming. My parents didn’t coddle me, but instead, encouraged me to be as active as I could be. 

One fear that I recall happened in a place where I felt safe otherwise. I had been taking swimming lessons since I was four or five years old, so I was at home in the water. Our community pool had a high dive over a 12-foot diving well and it was a goal to take a leap off of it. If memory serves, I was seven (the same year I rode my bike sans training wheels) when I climbed the ladder, heart pounding. I walked to the end of the diving board. As I am writing this, I can feel the rough sensation of the surface under my feet. Standing at the very edge, I looked down into the water that lapped up against the turquoise painted walls and floor. Uh oh… I began to have doubts that I could actually follow through. The only thing that kept me from turning around was that there was a line of other kids behind me, some with their feet already on the ladder. I had to save face. My mother stood eagerly/anxiously on the side of the pool and the lifeguard gazed with a watchful eye, as I jumped into the air and plunged into the cool depths. A moment later, I emerged triumphantly, droplets shaking off my hair. My mother smiled, I smiled and got back in line to do it again. Never again was I afraid to take that kind of leap.

Many years later, in the presence of a friend who is a performance diver, I climbed up on the platform around the pool into which he was about to plunge from an 82-foot tower. Once again, I was certain of my safety, despite my pounding heart. My friend Dan held my hand as we walked around the catwalk and out on to the diving board 20 feet above the parking lot at the New Jersey State Fair. No problem climbing back down the ladder this time, since I wasn’t expected to leap into the water.

These days my fears fall into a different category as I have now crossed the line into the seventh decade of my life. I turned 60 on October 13th, 2018, and although I consider myself adventurous (I traveled to Ireland with a group of people I had never met, six weeks after a nasty bout with pneumonia), I have become more cautious with physical stretches. Stiff knees and hips that call for The Tin Man’s oil can at times, fatigued more easily since a heart attack at age 55, not being as flexible as once I was.

The most daunting challenges are what I call ‘memory blips.’ Those middle age moments that have me forgetting names, directions, tasks and words that I mean to write or say. I can laugh it away, when I am not terrified that it heralds a cognitive downturn. I am doing memory strengthening exercises, taking time to breathe and relax rather than worry. I fear incapacity and needing others to provide care for me. Far easier to be on the giving end of such care as I have done both personally and professionally. Another come clean is the fear of expressing a full range of human emotions. I tell myself that as a clinician who guides others in their expression, I “should know how to do it myself.” It is then that I remember that I don’t need to have all the answers for myself or anyone else. As we all are, I am a work in progress.

That echoes some of the fears that many of my clients face. In any given week, I hear stories about social anxiety to the extent that they can’t even look people in the eye for fear of being thought lacking in some way, and that those who look back at them will be able to see through their skull into their mind. The fear deceives them into believing they will never be enough. Other fears roar at them that their desires will not come to fruition, since they were told by less than well meaning adults that they will fail at everything they attempt. Some don’t even bother as a result of that belief and further, convince themselves that they don’t want it.

I have heard clients tell me that they are afraid to drive since it takes so much attention to details and they don’t feel they are ready to take it on. In that case, I would encourage waiting and learning how to be fully prepared before taking to the road.

Some absorb the fears of their parents who never moved off dead center since it seemed safer. Many grew up in families steeped in ancestral terror of obliteration. I know people whose families were in concentration camps, who lived in violent neighborhoods, who survived bombings.

There are moments when the inner tectonic plate shifts turn to outer tremors and they are incapacitated. Getting out from under the covers is a monumental task. Fear of abandonment looms large as love seems evasive. Some people are pulled under the waves by wondering when the next mood swing will occur and send them reeling. Others are scared of becoming like their mentally ill parent whose unpredictable behavior kept them on their toes. 

With all of these courageous people (and indeed they are, since they got themselves out of bed, into their cars and managed to arrive for our session) I encourage looking the fear square in the face I ask them to see the fear as a person, animal or object and have a conversation in which they set the tone and agenda. What does the fear want them to learn? Once that lesson is integrated, fear has no hold on them. That is what freedom tastes like.

What would you do if you were brave?

When anxiety and avoidance behavior interfere with life activities in the family, school, or the community, a child may have an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health condition among adolescents with close to 32% of youth experiencing an anxiety disorder at some point in their childhood or adolescence. Fortunately, anxiety disorders are treatable. This article may assist you in helping your child with anxiety. 

Consider Treatment Options

Anxiety disorders tend to persist without treatment. A psychotherapist or a psychiatrist can determine if your child has an anxiety disorder and what type of treatment is needed. Psychotherapy is an effective method for treating childhood anxiety disorders. In fact, psychotherapy is a first line treatment for anxiety disorders. Family interventions that focus on changing parent behavior have been shown to be effective in treating childhood anxiety disorders even when the child is not receptive to treatment. In general, psychotherapy for anxiety disorders involves increasing exposure to anxiety-related things and situations while teaching strategies to manage anxiety. 

Different types of professionals provide psychotherapy, such as licensed clinical social workers, licensed professional counselors, and licensed psychologists. The most important thing is to find a psychotherapist who is a good fit for your family. Psychotherapy is most effective when you feel understood, participate in creating therapy goals, and provide the therapist with feedback. When you begin working with a psychotherapist, it may be helpful to ask questions about therapy. Here are some examples of questions to ask a therapist. 

• What is your professional background?
• What kind of therapy do you think might help my child and our family?
• What will we do in therapy to help my child and our family with this problem?
• How often will we meet and for how long?
• How will we evaluate my child’s progress?
• How likely is it that this therapy will help my child and our family?
• What should I do if my child is not getting better?
• How much will therapy cost and do you take my insurance?

Psychotropic medications are used to treat anxiety disorders. If you want to consider psychotropic medication to treat your child’s anxiety disorder, speaking with your child’s pediatrician is likely the first step. Some pediatricians prescribe psychotropic medication and others prefer that a psychiatrist prescribe the medication. 

Create a Plan to Approach Anxiety-Related Things or Situations 

An anxiety disorder involves anxiety and fear in reaction to a thing or situation that does not pose a real danger. Parents will often accommodate their child’s need to avoid or escape things or situations that evoke anxiety. Some of the most common ways that parents allow their children to avoid anxiety-inducing situations include speaking for the child in social settings, letting the child sleep in the parents’ bed, and permitting the child to avoid school or other social situations.

Allowing or helping your child to avoid distressing situations is a natural and well-intended reaction that provides short-term relief for your child and possibly for you. Unfortunately, in the long run, the more a child avoids anxiety-related situations the stronger the anxiety disorder becomes. By helping your child face situations that evoke anxiety, you are giving your child an opportunity to learn that his or her fears are unfounded.

Encouraging your child to face situations that evoke anxiety can be challenging. Children with anxiety often have strong, negative reactions to facing situations that they fear. Create a plan to help your child to take gradual steps toward facing fearful situations. Getting support from others such as family members, a psychotherapist, and your child’s educators will be important to help you successfully put this plan into action.  

Validate Your Child’s Feelings and Communicate Confidence

Validate your child’s feelings while communicating confidence that your child can handle anxiety-provoking situations. Validation involves acknowledging your child’s feelings, but it does not mean that you agree with your child’s fears or your child’s request to avoid things or situations. You can communicate your confidence by telling your child that he or she has the strengths and resources to handle the situations that create anxiety. The validating and confident message you want to communicate is, “I hear that you are scared. I am here to support you. You can do this.”   

Encourage Your Child to Learn Ways to Manage Anxiety

Experiencing anxiety is unpleasant. However, it is not harmful or dangerous to feel anxious. Children can learn ways to manage their anxiety. Help your child to find healthy strategies that work to manage anxiety. For instance, one child might benefit from using a relaxation exercise cell phone app, while another child might find physical exercise helpful. The message to communicate is, “I hear how anxious you are and how bad it feels. Even though it feels bad, it is okay to feel anxious. Let’s think of ways to manage your anxiety.”  

Highlight Successes and Compliment Your Child

Anxiety ebbs and flows. Your child may seem very anxious when in certain circumstances, and at other times, your child may have less anxiety in a similar situation. Look for times when your child successfully tolerates anxiety and approaches a situation that usually evokes anxiety. When you notice these successes, highlight them in your conversation with your child and compliment your child. Pointing out successes and offering compliments builds hope, inspires confidence, and validates your child’s experience. A parent might say, “Wow! You did a great job making it to school today even though you were a little anxious. That takes courage. How did you do that?”

Manage Your Stress and Stay Calm

Parents often experience stress and anxiety in reaction to their child’s anxiety. Find ways to manage your stress and to stay calm when you are helping your child learn to manage anxiety. When you handle your own stress and anxiety in a healthy way, your child learns from your example. Remaining calm helps you to make thoughtful decisions about how best to support your child. 

Collaborate with Educators

Communicate with your child’s educational team about anxiety-related issues that may affect school performance. You and your child’s educational team can develop a plan to address your child’s anxiety and behavioral avoidance in the school setting. The team may include your child’s school counselor, principal or assistant principal, teachers, and school psychologist. The plan should be designed to support your child so that he or she can participate in school activities as much as possible and learn to manage anxiety. The strategies in the plan should be based on your child’s specific anxiety-related needs. For instance, if your child benefits from periodically meeting with the school counselor, the plan may include providing your child with a permanent pass to the school counselor’s office. Talk with your child’s educational team about your child’s needs and strategies that might help.  

References

Duncan, B. L, Miller, S. D., & Sparks, J. A. (2004). The heroic client: A revolutionary way to improve effectiveness through client-directed, outcome informed therapy (Revised Edition). New York: Jossey-Bass.  

Ginsburg, G. S., Drake, K., Tein, J. Y., Teetsel, R., Riddle, M. A. (2015). Prevention onset of anxiety disorder in offspring of anxious parents: A randomized controlled trial of a family-based intervention. American Journal of Psychiatry, 172(12), 1207-1214. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.2015.14091178

Hunsley, J., Elliot, K., Therrien, Z. (2013, October). The efficacy and effectiveness of psychological treatments. Canadian Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3020Wry 

Lebowitz, E. R., Marin, C., Martino, A., Shimshoni, Y., & Silverman, W. K. (2019). Parent-based treatment as efficacious as cognitive-behavioral therapy for childhood anxiety: A randomized noninferiority study of supportive parenting for anxious childhood emotions. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Advanced online publication. doi: https://ift.tt/2Z0Ii5X 

Lebowitz, E. R. & Omer, H. (2013). Treating childhood and adolescent anxiety: A guide for caregivers. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley. 

Lebowitz, E. R., Omer, H., Hermes, H., & Scahill, L. (2014). Parent training for childhood anxiety disorders: The SPACE program. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 21(4), 456-469. doi: https://ift.tt/3020WI4 

Lebowitz, E. R., Woolsten, J., Bar-Haim, Y., Calvocoressi, L., Dauser, C., Warnick, E., Scahill, L., Chakir, A. R., Shechner, T., Hermes, H., Vitulano, L. A., King, R. A., Leckman, J. F. (2013). Family accommodation in pediatric anxiety disorders. Depression and Anxiety, 30, 47-54. doi: 10.1002/da.21998 

Nelson, T. S. (2019). Solution-focused brief therapy with families. New York: Routledge.

Norman, K. R., Silverman, W. K., Lebowitz, E. R. (2015). Family accommodation of child and adolescent anxiety: Mechanisms, assessment, and treatment. Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing, 28, 131-140. doi: 10.1111/jcap.12116

Raftery-Helmer, J. N., Moore, P. S., Coyne, L., Palm Reed, K. (2015). Changing problematic parent-child interaction in child anxiety disorders: The promise Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 5, 64-69. https://ift.tt/2Z80omA

Wang, Z., Whiteside, S. P. H., Sim, L., Farah, W; Morrow, A. S., Alsawas, M., Barrionuevo, P., Tello, M., Asi, N., Beuschel, B., Daraz, L., Almasri, J., Zaiem, F., Mantilla, L. L, Ponce, O.J., LeBlanc, A., Prokop, L. J., & Murad, M. H. (2017). Comparative effectiveness and safety of cognitive behavioral therapy and pharmacotherapy for childhood anxiety disorders: A systematic review and meta-analysis. JAMA Pediatrics, 171(11), 1049-1056. doi:10.1001/jamapediatrics.2017.3036 

Whiteside, S. P. H., Gryczkowski, M., Ale, C. M., Brown-Jacobsen, A. M., McCarthy, D. M (2013). Development of child- and parent-report measures of behavioral avoidance related to childhood anxiety disorders. Behavior Therapy, 44, 325-337. https://ift.tt/3020Yja 

Recently, my social media feed was filled with a light-blue line drawing of a woman riding a crane over the ocean, as readers across the globe heaped praise on an essay by novelist CJ Hauser. “I finished reading this and realized I’d had my hand over my heart almost the whole way through,” said one reader. “Everyone told me I would love this, and I did,” said another.

In the piece, Hauser describes taking a scientific expedition to study the whooping crane less than two weeks after canceling her wedding.

She had good reason to end the relationship. Her ex-fiancé was outrageously stingy with his affections. Even when the author asked him point blank to say something sweet to her—for example, that she looked nice in her favorite red dress–he balked. Instead, he said he told her she looked nice in the dress when she bought it the summer before. Why did she need to hear it again? Another time he gave her a birthday card with no writing in it, explaining that he’d then be able to use it again.

If the piece were merely about guy who was jerk to his girlfriend, it wouldn’t have gone viral. It’s Hauser’s response that gets us:

“I need you to know: I hated that I needed more than this from him. There is nothing more humiliating to me than my own desires. Nothing that makes me hate myself more than being burdensome and less than self-sufficient. I did not want to feel like the kind of nagging woman who might exist in a sitcom. … I had arrived in my thirties believing that to need things from others made you weak.”

The piece comes to a beautiful conclusion, but Hauser’s confession and the response to upset me. So many women chimed in to say how much they related to her story, how they had similar experiences, how they too felt that they didn’t have the right to ask their partner for love or affection.

“Are we still doing this?” I thought, “In 2019?”

I’m not judging. I’m one of the zillion people who posted the piece. I’ve never been with anyone who behaved as badly as Hauser’s ex, but I absolutely understand the shame of feeling needy in a relationship, and I remember well the pain of pushing away those needs. I remember playing the cool girl—pretending I didn’t care when some guy didn’t call when he said he would, or when he took me to a party and then immediately disappeared into the crowd.

I played the cool girl because this is what dating culture tells us to do: never let them see you care.

Everyone needs affection and kindness in their life. Asking for it isn’t a sign that you’re weak; it’s a sign that you have the courage to demand the love you deserve.

By revealing how she betrayed herself, Hauser reminds us to stay true to ourselves and all our messy frailties and vulnerabilities. That’s the part that gives me hope. If some people don’t want to be pestered by our human needs, let’s grant them their wish. Let them have their blank birthday cards and hoarded compliments. Let’s turn around. Let’s look at the sky.

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.

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