Lisa Find Love

We used to refer to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) as multiple personalities or Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). The creation of multiple identities occurs often in response to extreme abuse in childhood. Individuals who have developed different identities have described the experience as a way to escape the abuse. 

Recently, an Australian judge made a landmark ruling allowing six of Jeni Haynes’s personalities to testify against her father for the horrific abuse she suffered as a child. In response to the extreme and persistent abuse, the woman created 2,500 different personalities to survive.¹ The ruling is a precedent where a person diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) — or Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) — testified in their other personalities. As a result of the testimony, the father was convicted and sentenced to 45 years in jail by a Sydney court.

In the words of Jeni Haynes, when asked about one of her personalities, a 4-year-old girl named Symphony, she explained, “he wasn’t abusing me, he was abusing Symphony.” Splitting into different people allows for an escape from a situation that cannot be escaped from. 

While the ruling in Australia is modern, the phenomenon that we describe as Dissociative Identity Disorder is not new. In fact, it is already described in ancient Chinese medical literature.⁴

Is it possible to recover from Dissociative Identity Disorder?

The short answer is yes. But what does recovery from DID look like? The goal of treatment for DID is integrated function and fusion. A person with multiple identities may feel like several different people each who have their own distinct personalities complete with individual names, memories, likes, and dislikes. However, these separate selves are part of one whole adult person. The subjective experience of the person with DID is very real and the goal of treatment is to achieve fusion of each personality so the person can begin to function as an integrated whole. Fusion occurs when identities merge together and become a unified whole. It is important to understand integrated function as a process that occurs over time, and fusion as an event where two aspects of identities merge together. 

Helping each identity become aware of the others and learn to negotiate conflicts is an important part of the therapeutic process.² Established guidelines for the treatment of DID state that each personality must be acknowledged and allowed to participate in the therapeutic process. Disruptive or unpleasant personalities should not be ignored or treated as undesirable. The goal of therapy is to integrate each unique identity into the whole self. Therefore is is unhelpful for the therapist to encourage “getting rid of” any of the unique identities that exist within the person rather, each must be acknowledged and accepted by the therapist. 

What does recovery look like?

Successful treatment outcome results in an integration of each individual identity as part of the self. In addition to this, harmony among the alternate identities is desirable.³ When an individual achieves harmony among identities and ultimately merges each into one unified person, they can begin to feel whole and are no longer subjected to the feeling of being fractured within themselves. 

Not all individuals who experience Dissociative Identity Disorder are able to achieve complete and final fusion of each identity due to the difficulty of confronting painful memories. However, treatment is still helpful in moving towards recovery as it allows the individual to receive support and work to resolve past trauma. Healing can be achieved even without complete fusion and resolution of all trauma. 

Dissociative Identity Disorder is best treated with a practitioner who is experienced in complex trauma. Not all practitioners are aware of the relationship between DID and past trauma.⁵

References

1. Mao, F. (2019). Dissociative Identity Disorder: The woman who created 2500 personalities to survive. BBC News. Retrieved from https://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-49589160
2. International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. (2011). Guidelines for treating dissociative identity disorder in adults, third revision. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 12(2), 115-187.
3. Kluft, R. P. (1993). Clinical perspectives on multiple personality disorder. American Psychiatric Pub.
4. Fung, H. W. (2018). The phenomenon of pathological dissociation in the ancient Chinese medicine literature. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 19(1), 75-87.
5. Connors, K. J. (2018). Dissociative and complex trauma disorders in health and mental health contexts: Or why is the elephant not in the room?. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 19(1), 1-8.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance,” wrote Oscar Wilde. Known for his wit and irony, was Wilde referring to narcissism or real self-love? There is a difference. His use of the word “romance” suggests the former. That’s a key to differentiate the two concepts. 

In contrast to genuine love, romantic love is filtered by illusion and idealization. In the romantic phase of relationships, intense feelings are predominantly based on projection and physical pleasure. All is rosy, because we don’t really know the other person or see his or her flaws. In Wilde’s novel about narcissism, Dorian Gray, Dorian, a narcissist, falls in love with his appearance in a portrait of himself just as mythological Narcissus loved his own reflection in a pool of water. Like Narcissus, Dorian was incapable of interest in, or love for, anyone else. Both were oblivious to their arrogance, sense of entitlement, or cruelty to the women who loved them.

Self-love and Narcissism Compared

Real self-love encompasses loving our frailty and flaws. It’s beyond self-esteem, which is a self-evaluation. We totally accept ourselves. Unlike Dorian, who could not bear the thought of growing old while his portrait remained young, when we love ourselves, we are connected to our ageless self. Self-love makes us humble. We have no need to parade behind a façade of false pride. Nor do we idealize and aggrandize ourselves or deny or hide our weaknesses and flaws. Instead, we embrace our full humanity. 

Narcissism, the Personality Disorder

Narcissistic arrogance conceals self-loathing. Narcissists can’t tolerate being wrong or criticized. This is why they’re defensive and hypersensitive. But when they receive admiration and attention, they’re happy, reflecting their immaturity. Like a bully, their inner shame makes them relentlessly critical of others. They can dish it out, but cannot take it. Their bragging and grandiosity reveal insecurity. To compensate, they embellish, only want to associate with high-status people and institutions, and harbor disdain for those seen as inferior.

In a narcissist’s world, things are black and white. They believe they’re always succeeding or failing, and their mood fluctuates accordingly. They make no room for mistakes or mediocrity, which can put them into a rage. In contrast, self-compassion enables us to accept ourselves and our shortcomings, and empathize with others.

Healthy Narcissism

Early in my recovery, I dreamt that I needed to be more narcissistic. The problem was the opinion of myself wasn’t high enough. Freud identified a natural, narcissistic stage of child development, when toddlers feel they own the world. They can suddenly walk and want to explore everything. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder get arrested in early development and don’t mature beyond it. There are theories about the cause of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which has the negative aspects of narcissism, such as entitlement, exploitativeness, and lack of empathy.

Freud noted that a certain amount of self-focus and self-regard is essential to developing a healthy ego structure. Healthy narcissism enables us to have the confidence and self-investment to succeed. Due to their reported high self-esteem, research shows that narcissists maintain a sense of well-being with low levels of depression, anxiety, and loneliness. People with too little ego-centricity are at greater risk for psychological disorders. Codependents are attracted to narcissists who have qualities, such as boldness, confidence, and power, which they themselves lack,. In contrast, they don’t believe in or invest in themselves and instead help others.

Some children get their natural pride squelched by a dominating, critical parent. They carry toxic shame. Think of false pride and shame as opposite ends of a spectrum. Neither is a good place to live from. It can be said that for narcissists, shame is unconscious. They act in ways that are shameless. For codependents and individuals with low self-esteem, healthy pride is unconscious. People may admire and compliment them, but they don’t feel deserving and trust them. 

A goal of recovery is to fall closer to the middle, where we can feel pride without arrogance. Our greater self-esteem enhances our life, creativity, resilience and mood. We gain healthy self-assurance and ambition that fuel our self-efficacy and ability to accomplish our goals. With high self-esteem, we expect to succeed and likely will and can also tolerate disappointment and failures. We’re not defensive and can receive feedback. We ask for and pursue what we want. Our self-regard empowers us to confront abuse or disrespect. Feeling worthy, we don’t hesitate to say no and set boundaries. Yet, we have empathy and consideration for others. Even though we seek to get our wants and needs met, we don’t manipulate, control, seek revenge, envy, or exploit people

Recovery

Recovery is a journey of self-love. Yet, people who pursue self-growth are sometimes labeled narcissistic because they focus on themselves as part of their recovery. Usually, they must learn to think more highly of themselves, grow their self-esteem, and set boundaries that reflect self-care. Others may consider them selfish and overly self-involved. However, this is far different from narcissism. Narcissists do the opposite. They don’t look at themselves, take responsibility, or feel a need to improve. Doing so or seeking help would be an admission of imperfection, that they’re flawed. Instead, they blame others.

©Darlene Lancer 2019

“Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” – Leonard Cohen

What does perfection mean to you? Never making any mistakes? Always doing things “right”? Meeting an unreasonably high standard that began when you were a child set by someone who may have been following a legacy of excessive expectations laid out for them by their elders?  For the clients who sit on the love seat in my office as well as this woman who has had four decades of experience as a therapist, it is all of those things and more. I have heard folks confess that they don’t want to risk failure, so they do nothing, paralyzed with fear of misstep.  Some share with tears in their eyes that they were ridiculed by teachers and parents, bullied by peers and are at a seeming loss for what to do to resolve the dilemma.

I recall an experience that occurred at least 15 years ago, as I was sitting in the office of my psychologist friend Dr. Murray Needleman, having a conversation about the death of my husband a few years prior and the fear that I would never be whole enough to move forward in my life and relationships. He leaned in and with his twinkly eyes, asked “Can you be enough AS IS?”   Taking a deep breath, I responded “I guess I have to be.”  He smiled and asked again and this time I answered that I could. I went home and printed those two words out on a sheet of white paper and hung it up in my office in the acute care psychiatric hospital where I was employed at the time. When my patients would ask what it meant, I would tell my story. It was helpful for them to know that I sometimes struggled with insecurities and doubts as they did. When I left that job to move on to one at a community mental health center, I put the paper in the box with other papers and books I took with me. When I unpacked at the other end, I saw with dismay that the sheet had gotten crumpled. I thought to re-print it and then reconsidered as I laughed at the cosmic joke and put it on the new wall AS IS.  All these years later, it is still my growing edge. There are times when I feel torn and threadbare from life getting lifey as a former client would describe his own twists and turns. Murray died last year, and I honor his ingenuity and heart.

As I age, (turning 61 in a month) I am noticing a dichotomy. There are times when I look at my body and view roundness where I wish there was flatness; abs that see the gym 3-4 times a week are not as cooperative as I wish. Unlike many my age, I have no problems with the wrinkles that greet me when I gaze in the mirror. I see them as laugh lines that I have earned. Like my clients I wonder what standard I am attempting to meet. Not even sure what a perfect 61- year- old would look like. What has been helpful is an exercise that a friend who (like me) teaches Laughter Yoga, created. Called I Love My Body, it is a call and response chant that begins at the top and works its way around and down. “I love my head. I really, really love my head. Thank you, head.”  I offer it in the day care centers where I teach 3-6 year- olds, but also with my adult clients in my practice, if they have body image issues. They say that they feel silly, but humor me and by the end, they are smiling and laughing. It allows us to see the value in each body part. When clients say that they don’t like how they look, I ask them what each aspect does for them. The feet they think are too big, provides a foundation on which to stand and a means of walking the world. The backside they consider too big gives them a place to sit. The hands that bear short, anxiety gnawed fingernails helps some create beautiful art- work. Reframing works wonders.

Our cultures tell us that perfection is unattainable, that only God is perfect. But, what if we are, as many spiritual teachers offer, ‘God in a body’? Then wouldn’t we, even with all of our woundings and wonderings, be perfect too? That doesn’t invite arrogance, because when you recognize perfection in yourself, you see it mirrored in the eyes of all those you encounter…they’re perfect as well. And what about all of that ‘life stuff’ that happens…the marvelous and the messy…what if it is perfection-reflection. 

One of my favorite concept to explain perfection in imperfection is known as Wabi-sabi.

Per Wikipedia, “Wabi-sabi is the most conspicuous and characteristic feature of traditional Japanese beauty and it occupies roughly the same position in the Japanese pantheon of aesthetic values as do the Greek ideals of beauty and perfection in the West”. “If an object or expression can bring about, within us, a sense of serene melancholy and a spiritual longing, then that object could be said to be Wabi-sabi.”  “[Wabi-sabi] nurtures all that is authentic by acknowledging three simple realities: nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect.”

Social worker, researcher, author and speaker Brené Brown breaks it down simply, “The quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting, but as hard as we try, we can’t turn off the tapes that fill our heads with messages like “Never good enough” and “What will people think?”

Recently a friend showed me a tiny tattoo that was scripted on the inside of her wrist with one powerful word: ENOUGH. As a result of childhood abuse and trauma, as well as her own mental health challenges and an eating disorder, she often felt like she could not do enough or be enough to compensate for the erroneous belief that she was damaged. As accomplished as she is, as successful as she is, as loving and compassionate as she is, she still doubts her value at times. Although I don’t do tattoos, not liking the pain that I know would be involved, I could just as easily benefit from such a message calligraphed for the world (but mostly me) to see.

Would it take the pressure off if you knew that sometimes you can sit back and rest on your laurels, acknowledging how far you have come? What if perfection was a mere illusion, so much smoke and mirrors? What if you could talk back to it, rather than accepting it as your dog chasing its tail fantasy?

My friend Liora Hill shares this reminder:

“I am a work in progress.
I am where I am in my process.
And where I am in my process is perfect.”

Can you accept your own perfect imperfection?

And a bonus as you dance and sing along with Karen Drucker’s song I Don’t Have to Be Perfect.

If you’ve lived a few years, you’ve experienced failure. More than once, most likely, and probably many times. For every success, the backstory usually involves a string of different approaches of varying degrees of promise before arriving at one that worked. While some are cowed by failure and cannot see beyond it, others find ingenious solutions arising from failure. How do you transform failure into success? Here are some thoughts.

Failure Is Never Inevitable

“Success is most often achieved by those who don’t know that failure is inevitable.” – Coco Chanel

One of the most difficult lessons to learn is that you don’t know everything. Children believe they can do anything. They have no fear. Life is joyous and full of new things to discover. After a few scraped knees, tummy aches from eating too much candy, getting snubbed by your best playmate, however, things start to look a bit different. The outlook isn’t always so bright – unless it’s nurtured by wise and loving parents or others who want to help you succeed.

Yet, even some children who lacked any harmonious family dynamic go on to believe in themselves with a fierce determination and unbridled optimism. They won’t let anything or anyone stand in their way. Despite mistakes, missteps and what others might characterize as failures, they persevere. They have a goal or destination in mind and the will to keep going until they achieve it.

Whether it’s positive parenting or innate human temperament, children are creative, optimistic and courageous. If one toy breaks, they figure out a way to adapt it to their story. There are no real failures and failure is never inevitable.

There is a lesson here. Life continually presents challenges, some seemingly impossible to overcome. We can give up, try to ignore what’s in front of us, or move forward with courage and conviction and a firm belief that we will succeed. It may take time, a lot of hard work and a few detours, but we know that we will get there eventually.

Just because there’ve been many setbacks, no significant accomplishments, or no one offering encouragement doesn’t mean that success isn’t possible or that failure is inevitable.

Remember that life is what you make of it. Scrap the idea of failure and embrace the likelihood of success. You’ll be more motivated to follow your dreams, and undeterred by hurdles you encounter, finding new approaches and solutions in pursuit of your ultimate success.

The Benefits of Failure

“Remember the two benefits of failure. First, if you do fail, you learn what doesn’t work; and second, the failure gives you the opportunity to try a new approach.” – Roger Von Oech

Nobody immediately thinks failure is good. Yet, failure holds valuable lessons for those who choose to examine it closely. The most obvious benefit is that you know what didn’t work this time. Will the same approach work another time? If you carefully analyze what happened and how your actions either contributed to failure or helped sabotaged success, you may be able to modify or revise your strategy.

For example, look at why you didn’t complete a work project on time. Maybe you didn’t allow enough time to do the job right. Perhaps you required more resources that you forgot to or intentionally didn’t obtain. You might have needed the assistance of others, but didn’t ask until it was too late. Whether arrogance, over-confidence, short-sightedness or improper time management, the lessons you learn from this failure can prove beneficial in the long run.

The next benefit of failure is the opportunity to try something new. Suppose you just got dumped. You may experience sadness, depression, anger, want revenge, or become jealous of the attention others pay to your now-ex-partner. How can this failure be beneficial? Figure out where you may have missed some clues or neglected the relationship. This may help you realize there are things you can do better the next time you’re in a relationship you’re trying to make work. 

Do you talk more than you listen? Start listening to others without interrupting is something to try. 

If you always think of yourself first, factor in how your partner feels and do things they like. Acting in the best interests of others on a regular basis is more endearing than being selfish.

What if your failure stems from an emotional problem or need? If you are too clingy, that will drive away someone who needs their own space. If you are fearful of becoming too vulnerable, you risk not being open enough. A good relationship requires trust and feeling free to express yourself and be heard without criticism. It’s a two-way street. You need to be vulnerable and respect your partner’s vulnerability.

Perhaps the most important thing to remember about failure is that it is never permanent. There are always lessons to learn from mistakes and opportunities to try different approaches the next time. Failure does not characterize who you are. You are not a failure, you’ve just made some mistakes. It’s what you do about them that matters most.

Fall Down, Get Up

“Just because you fail once doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything.” – Marilyn Monroe

Everyone fails sometime. It isn’t the fact that you fail that’s the determining factor, but what you do about it. Many people say that it’s only by making mistakes that you learn anything truly valuable. Instead of fearing failure and doing everything you can to avoid it, accept that failure will occur. Then, figure out what happened so you don’t make the same mistake twice.

In other words, if you fall down, get up. You will make progress if you maintain determination, keep a good attitude, try different approaches and enlist the support of those who encourage your goals.

Still, failure hurts, especially when you’ve worked so hard to succeed. Put aside counterproductive emotions, pick yourself up, and get back to the task at hand. Life may be telling you something you didn’t want to hear. Maybe you need repeated instruction in certain life lessons before the reality begins to sink in. Now is the time and this is the place to begin.

You’ve fallen down, now get back up and get to work. In the end, this is the only approach that will revitalize you, marshal your motivation, and fuel your determination to succeed. 

Turn Failure Into Success

“The season of failure is the best time for sowing the seeds of success.” – Yogananda

Failure is so disagreeable that no one wants to think about it, let alone experience it. Yet, each of us goes through experiences that don’t always turn out as anticipated. 

What can we learn from failure? Successful people know that within failure lies the opportunity to learn valuable lessons. Some even say their success today is because they failed on numerous occasions. Instead of seeing failure as despicable and to be avoided at all costs, they appreciated failure’s humbling experience provides. They also found the nuggets of wisdom inherent in each failure.

In other words, they were able to turn failure into success.

The key is to be disciplined enough to look for the lessons that failure provides. Indeed, the best time to work through priorities and rearrange them according to what is meaningful comes at the lowest point of experience. That’s when values crystallize and the insignificant and unimportant become apparent. Turning failure into success can be learned with practice, determination and a hopeful attitude.

Another Friday night rolls around and you know what that means: dinner and a movie or just staying at home with your date. Somewhere along the way, what was once scintillating has become a so-so experience.

If this sounds like you and you’ve found yourself in a dating rut, it may be time to step back and examine your dating “why.” Rediscovering your dating purpose might put the passion back in your dating life. Read on for some inspiration to get your game back on track.

All fun and games.

While it’s important to rediscover your purpose, that doesn’t mean it’s time to get serious. It’s perfectly reasonable to date for the fun of it. Try taking your date to new places. Have you always wanted to try that ax-throwing joint? Now’s the time! Don’t forget that dating is the perfect format for trying new things. Even if the relationship doesn’t last, the memories will.

Meet your match.

Romance is a source of sensual satisfaction, but it can also be so much more than that. It can also be a rich source of emotional, mental, emotional, and intellectual challenges. If you’re looking for a sparring mate—someone who can do the Sunday morning crossword puzzle with you or beat your best marathon time— keep that in mind before you agree to meet up for coffee. If you enjoy a challenge, you won’t be happy until you meet your match.

Happily, ever after.

Maybe you didn’t start out looking for lifelong love. But somewhere along the way, your motive has changed. It’s important to take inventory in your wants and needs. A summer fling might have felt right last year, but this year it’s left you wanting more. Just make sure that you’re clear with whoever you’re dating when your purpose changes, so that everyone is on the same page.

Companionship.

One of the most satisfying aspects of a romantic relationship is developing an enduring friendship. Ask any couple who has celebrated their 50-year anniversary, and they’ll tell you that feelings of romance may fade, but friendship is the bedrock that never erodes. This is a wonderful motivation for dating.

Getting to know yourself.

Sometimes the best reason for dating isn’t getting to know the person across the table—it’s getting to know yourself. Self-knowledge is key to any successful relationship. Through dating, you will learn your wants, needs, desires, and interests.

We all lose touch with our motives sometimes. In love, as in the rest of life, it’s important to take stock of what matters to you and clarify your dating “why.”

The post Do You Know Your Dating Why? appeared first on eharmony Advice.

When I write about issues that affect singles, I often discuss the importance of being around happy couples. By spending time with couples who actually like each other and treat each other well, you are watching other men and women model how to make a relationship work. What’s more, these couples provide living proof that good relationships exist. Hanging out with happy couples helps give your faith a boost, especially when you start to question when –and if – a happy relationship will materialize for you. When spending time with couples, take a few minutes at some point to ask a few questions about their relationship experience.

“Looking back, was your partner the type you imagined yourself ending up with?”

Couples have a lot of interesting stories about what they imagined when each of them was single. Often, members of successful long-term relationships report that the person they ended up with wasn’t the type they originally envisioned. Perhaps he was a bit older or she dressed differently;perhaps he was nerdier or she was more social.

Happy couples often find that they end up settling down with someone who has a passion or hobby they never would have imagined in their partner: a motorcyclist, a musician, or someone who plays a particular sport. Ask happy couples you know about whether the type of person they ended up with fit the type they had envisioned for themselves, and you will get some interesting answers.

“Were there arguments or significant conflicts in the first few months of dating?”

If you ask only one or two of my suggested questions, make this question one of them. Ask a happy couple you know whether there were days or nights with feelings of confusion, sadness or anger; ask whether there were any tears shed in the first month or two, or whether each member of the couple had significant insecurity about whether the dating relationship would last. Listening carefully to their answers – and the answers will skew heavily toward one end of the yes/no spectrum – and think about how much patience you have in relationships for emotional drama and conflict.

“When you were single, what was the main thing you were looking for in someone?”

As a psychologist, I believe few things are as valuable as feedback from those you trust. Even if you might not love feeling vulnerable, open yourself up to others’ feedback because we can learn from others. Ask someone in a happy, long-term couple what traits they were looking for most when they were dating and choosing among prospective partners. The likelihood is that he or she was prioritizing the traits or characteristics that matter most because good relationships don’t just “happen” or appear magically. The way to a good relationship is through good romantic decisions.By interviewing someone who knows how to exist in a good relationship, you are getting data from someone who knows how to make good romantic decisions. You can use this information to influence your own romantic investments.

“Did you ever worry you might not find someone?”

Being single, as a rule, doesn’t have to be awful, but there are some undeniably awful things about it. For one, it’s inevitable to question from time to time whether there is actually someone out there for you. When you have no proof, it can be easy to lose faith. Asking people in happy, long-term relationships whether they, too, ever had this feeling may yield surprising results. You may be surprised to find how many people in happy couples felt the same doubts you may feel now.

Ask for One Nugget of Advice

While you’re asking questions, include one that speaks to specific advice. Ask a question along these lines: “If you gave single people one piece of relationship advice, what would it be?” “Could you tell me the one thing I should look for in a partner above all else?” “What is one of the main mistakes you think singles make when they make their dating decisions?”

The Takeaway

Spending time with successful long-term couples is a winning strategy for singles. Happy couples can inspire us to keep the faith in relationships, and they model how to make a successful relationship work. Having such couples close can be helpful, and asking them for advice and wisdom can provide you with data you can use in your own dating life. Make a commitment to ask at least two or three of these questions, and you will find that the exercise helps you become wiser and more aware.

About the Author:

Dr. Seth is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

The post 5 Questions to Ask Happy and Long-Term Couples appeared first on eharmony Advice.

I learn so much from my clients as we sit in my office and explore their histories and current day issues. Many are well-educated professionals and others have street smarts in abundance. Yesterday, one of them introduced me to a concept that is used in leadership trainings. I dove in with enthusiasm when I got home and found myself nodding and agreeing to incorporate it in my personal life and utilize it with clients and students. It is called Above the Line/Below the Line and was described in Carolyn Taylor’s book Walking The Talk. My client used it in reference to a person in her life who exhibited the lower half of the diagram I am about to describe.

Take a sheet of paper and draw a horizontal line. Consider that above the line are all things positive, forward thinking, affirming and responsible. Know that below the line stand blame, shirking responsibility, denial and deflecting. Already, you see where this is going. Can you say that anyone who wanted to achieve a measure of success would want to fall below that line? And yet, many do and justify their position.

There is not a person on the planet who has not experienced pain (physical or emotional), loss, death, job changes, illness, financial limitation, or unhealthy behaviors. These are factors over which we have no control. What we can take charge of, to the best of our ability and willingness, our response to any catalyst.

I recall a conversation with a patient I was working with on an inpatient acute care psychiatric unit. Although tormented by psychosis at times, in a lucid moment, he asked me if I knew the difference between responding and reacting. I asked him to tell me more. He presented a scenario in which a patient in a medical hospital was given a medication by their doctor. A few days later, the doc comes in and says, “You’re reacting to the medication.” He asked if I thought that was a positive or negative message. Of course, I replied that it would be considered negative. On the flip side, if the medical professional told the patient, “You’re responding to the medication,” what would that indicate? Naturally, it would seem that a positive outcome was forthcoming. He smiled and told me that I got the message.

When we react, it is usually impulsive and not well thought out. We are likely to fall below the line. When we respond, we are more inclined toward mindfulness and above the line choices.

To assess where you stand:

• In your relationships, do you play the blame and shame game or play out win-win scenarios?
• When an experience has not turned out as you planned, do you sink down or bounce back?
• If someone disagrees with you, do you plummet into victim mode or rise above into a resilient thriver state of mind?
• Can you let go of past chains that might have kept you imprisoned, or do you attempt, unsuccessfully to move ahead with them holding you back?
• Do you have a go-get ‘em attitude, or a why bother mindset?
• Are you burning in resentment or basking in the glow of memories?
• Is your body mirroring those emotions?
• Do you speak in absolutes such as using self-fulfilling prophecies like, “I always or never…”?
• Are you able to be a possibilities thinker, rather than a problem seeker?

Once you have determined your place on the paradigm, you can utilize these portable skills to keep you on the high side of the line.

Deal: We don’t always get to choose our circumstances. You’re called on to deal with the aftermath of situations, such as growing up in an abusive or otherwise dysfunctional family. It helps to remember that you’ve survived everything that’s happened so far. Is there anything that says you won’t make it through what’s happening now?

Conceal: Protective mechanisms kick in to cover up trauma we’re not ready to cope with. Think of it as makeup that covers blemishes: We know what’s underneath, even if other people can’t always tell. Sometimes we’re afraid to remove these layers because we wonder if others will run screaming if they see who we truly are.

Peel: Imagine removing the skin of an orange or banana to uncover the fruit. Take a deep breath, inhaling the fragrance. Life can be that sweet all the time. The skin’s meant only to be a temporary covering, and the fruit can’t be fully appreciated if it remains. Our lives are limited if we keep our beauty, power, and even our pain hidden. It takes tremendous courage to uncover our fears.

Reveal: Think of a time you felt excited to open a gift. “Revealing the real” can create the same sense of anticipation. Is there something you want to share that you’ve been withholding out of fear? Remember this 12-step adage: “We are as sick as our secrets.”

Heal: However long it takes, healing comes from a process of refining and redefining our experiences. But healing isn’t the same as curing. A person can be free of the bondage of addiction and still understand that it’s part of their experience. Just as someone with an injury or illness might maintain lingering reminders of their suffering, our life events are part of us, but they don’t define us.

In Native American tradition is a story of the Two Wolves. A grandfather is speaking to his grandchildren and tells them that there are two wolves battling for supremacy in his heart. One is about anger, greed, violence and darkness and the other is about love, and healing, goodness and light. One child asks him which one will win. His wise response is, “The one that I feed.”

You are encouraged to find supports and accountability partners such as family members, friends, mentors, therapists and sponsors to help you remain on top of the line and feed the wolf that will empower you to live your best life.

Hardly a day goes by where we don’t hear about another tragedy in the news involving the death of someone gone too soon.  Whether it be from suicide, accidental or intentional gun deaths, or drug overdoses, these losses are all tragic. They can feel unexpected and out of the blue. For those left behind after a loved one dies in this manner, feelings of helplessness, shock, and self-doubt about what they could have done to prevent this can surface quickly. It is so easy to feel like there is nothing we can do to prevent these types of tragedies.  

Though ultimately, we can never ensure we will 100% be able to prevent someone from taking their own life or another person’s life, there are some reasonable steps we can take to greatly reduce this risk. By implementing these safety precautions proactively, we can significantly reduce the potential risk of death with our loved ones. Not only that, but with these concrete, actionable steps, you can feel empowered and confident that you are doing all that you can to keep your loved ones safe. If you know, or suspect, that a loved one is struggling with mental health concerns, follow these straightforward steps to increase their safety. 

1) Lock up all firearms and store ammunition separately.

Research shows that in the majority of suicides by gunshot, the person obtained the gun from their own home or that of a loved one. If you own any guns, the best way to prevent an accidental or impulsive act of harm with your guns, is to keep them securely locked in a gun safe. Alternatively, at minimum, secure them with a cable gun lock (which can cost as low as $5-$10!). Additionally, it is also important to store ammunition separate from the gun.

If you are a parent, proactively asking the parents of your children’s friends when they visit their home whether they own guns and whether they are locked is a quick way to have peace of mind when they are out of your home.  

2) Throw away narcotics and other prescription pain meds when you are finished using them.

It’s not all that uncommon to open your medicine cabinet to find old, outdated prescription pain management prescriptions from past dental work, injuries, or surgeries that you just haven’t gotten around to throwing out. If ever you have a loved one who is experiencing a mental health crisis where they are contemplating suicide, reducing their access to potentially lethal medications can go a long way in reducing their risk of drug overdose. Many police departments, fire stations, and pharmacies accept leftover medications no questions asked. 

3) Lock all other potentially lethal medications up in a lockbox. 

When a loved one is in crisis and considering acting on thoughts of suicide, an unfortunately all too common method of self-harm is overdose on medications. Some of the most common and most lethal medications to overdose on are often already in your house. These include Tylenol, Benadryl, Advil, Aspirin, Nyquil, Sudafed, Ibuprofen, and Codeine cough syrup. Though it may seem inconvenient to lock up these medications, you can purchase a simple medication lock box at many retailers like Target or Amazon for $10-$20. By eliminating quick and easy access to these medications in a crisis, you can reduce the ability for someone to act impulsively and increase the odds that they reconsider attempting suicide.  

4) Keep sharps (knives, razors, scissors, staples) secured. 

When dealing with mental health concerns or struggling with reactions to a trauma they have endured, some people may engage in self-harm behavior. One of the common methods of self-harming is by cutting oneself, often on their arms or legs. There is an emotional release of sorts that people can experience when engaging in these cutting behaviors, but as you could imagine, it is a very risky behavior. It can also quickly escalate from superficial cuts to deeper, more dangerous and potentially lethal cutting.

If you are concerned about a loved one you suspect or you know has cut themselves before, by securing anything they may use to cut themselves can reduce the risk of acting on their urges to harm themselves. The most common items to use in self-harm include razors, knives, scissors, staples, or even broken shards of glass.  

5) Regularly check in with your loved one about thoughts of suicide.

I have spoken with dozens and dozens of parents over the years who have expressed concerns that their child has seem depressed and they worry about their child taking their own life. It is common for these same parents to worry about asking their child if they are having thoughts of suicide due to fears that they will inadvertently plant these thoughts in their child’s head. Research has shown this concern to be false though. On the contrary, by asking a direct question to your child or teen about whether they are having thoughts of suicide, you are giving them an opening to admit and share any thoughts that they are having. With that information, you can better know how to help them. This also provides your child with the knowledge that you are willing to have these tough conversations and want them to be able to open up to them even when it’s hard or uncomfortable. 

“You were my home, Mother. I had no home but you.” – Janet Fitch

Healing is a journey, not a single strike of willpower. In this article, you’ll learn about three stages of healing so that you can gain clarity about where you are and what you still need to work on in order to complete your journey. 

Healing is a path we must travel to live joyful lives aligned with our values — lives of our choice. There’s no quick fix. Rather, it requires commitment, courage, patience, and determination. But where does the journey begin?

At the moment, you may feel like you’re on a shaky boat in the middle of a stormy ocean, alone with your hurtful mother, and no land on the horizon. 

She criticizes, blames, and punishes you for every mistake, yours and those of others, including her own. She calls you names and manipulates you to get what she wants. She tells you to smile when you’re sad and need a hug. She demands that you always be nice and not cause any trouble. You must like the same things your mother likes and be friends with the people she approves of. And don’t you dare to have your own opinion — who do you think you are? Your mom knows better, and everything she does is for your good. Your feelings are irrelevant; they may just as well not even exist.  

No wonder you feel confused, anxious, and worried, doubting your every step. Hurt, wounded, and out of place. Lonely and not belonging. 

You may still blame yourself or your mother for everything that goes wrong in your life. You may feel like you’re at the edge of complete breakdown, slowly melting into nothingness. Or you fearlessly push back, defending your right to be you with anger, blame, and manipulation — your mother’s favorite tools. 

Well, you’d better stop now, before you turn into a distorted shadow of your mother. There’s another way — the way of healing. And as long as you have your paddles — courage and determination — you will bring your boat into a safe harbor.

We can’t control the weather, but we’re in control of our actions. 

You will heal, and you don’t have to do it alone. 

Out of the Fog

Healing from a toxic relationship with your mother may certainly be one of the biggest challenges in our lives. 

I have been there, and although my memories no longer force me out of my skin, they’re alive. 

I tried to please Mom to avoid conflict, but it seldom helped. Instead, resentment grew inside me like a snowball, growing larger and heavier as it rolled. I fought back, but it frightened me — I didn’t like that version of me, and that was where my journey began. I embarked on a quest to break my family’s generational curse, heal, and pass on healthier relationships for future generations. 

The Anatomy of Healing

They are more like clusters of related issues we need to work on. One after the other. 

Let’s have a look.  

Stage 1 — What’s going on? Learn, recognize, and accept. 

“Without understanding our mothers and what their narcissism did to us, it’s impossible to recover.” – Karyl McBride

Understand and define the problem. 

Describe your mother’s hurtful behaviors and Google them. Do not try to diagnose her; it’s about understanding, not labelling or blaming. Maybe she has narcissistic personality traits. Whatever the case may be, work to understand what makes your mother behave the way she does and how these behaviors affect you and your life. Try to remember good things, too. 

Educate yourself about narcissism or/and other problems you’ve identified so far. 

You’ve defined the problem, bringing some clarity to your confusion. Now what? 

Read relevant blogs, articles and books about narcissism and narcissistic parents. Find and watch videos on YouTube and join Facebook groups. 

Don’t overdo it, though. Stop when you’ve learned the basics; you’re not going to apply for a psychology degree here. Reading too much or spending hours on Facebook will only hold you in the past, and that’s not what you want. Right?

Recognize the roles everyone plays in your family, including your own.

You will discover that narcissists need others to sustain their traits. They need someone to enable them. Perhaps your father plays this role in his futile attempt to keep the peace? They need somebody to promote them as the “amazing people” they want to be seen as by others — their “flying monkeys” do that. And they also need someone they can project their bad feelings onto in order to feel good about themselves. There’s maybe a “golden child” in the family and a scapegoat, too. 

Do you know who they are? 

Examine your relationships with other people in your life. Be aware of your attraction to narcissists. 

It may feel counter-intuitive, but many of us try to run from a narcissistic parent just to be caught in a web of another narcissist. How come?

The brain plays its “trick” on us by choosing a partner that feels familiar and therefore safe. Being aware of this bias helps you to question your “automatic” choices and prevent new abusive relationships in the future. 

Exercises to help you through this stage:

#1 Journaling

You can start by writing down your thoughts about the ideal mother you wish you had, in list format. How would that have been? 

Then write about how it was to grow up with your mother and compare the two lists. 

The exercise will help you to let off steam and understand the problem you’re facing with your mom. You can read more here.

#2: Become your own historian. 

Talk to other family members about your family history to better understand the roots of the problem. Ask them what they know about your ancestors — grandparents, aunts and uncles — and what they remember about your parents growing up. Make notes; you will appreciate it later. 

Note of caution: If you have trouble remembering your childhood, it’s safer to explore it together with a therapist. 

Stage 2 – Processing Your Feelings

“To change your future you’ve to put past behind you.” – Timon and Pumbaa, The Lion King

Validate and process your emotions.

To let go of the past, we must validate and process emotions that are linked to our history. These are the feelings that we were not allowed to feel growing up, together with those that arise when we examine our lives. Anger, fear, shame, sadness, resentment and grief are among them.

Yes, we must grieve the loss of the ideal mother we never had and are never going to have. 

Grief has its own stages. You will need time to recognize and accept your mother’s limited capacity to show love because something was broken inside her a long time ago. There’s nothing you can do to change it, so grieve and let go. Use your energy to heal yourself. 

Examine your limiting beliefs.

We all have them, and they’re holding us back. I’m not good enough, unlovable, stupid, clumsy, a bad daughter, etc. … the list can be long. What are your limiting beliefs? 

Identify and write down your limiting believes, and then examine them together with emotions attached. Use this list of emotions to help identify your feelings. You will have to process them, too, to get control over the negative self-talk that might be preventing you from achieving your full potential. 

This exercise may help you to do that by changing negative self-messages to positive or neutral: 

“If only I did/said/didn’t do…” (represents a negative self-message).

“Next time, I will say/do/…” (turns negativity into positivity).

Reconnect with your inner child. 

Find out what she needs and start nurturing her. 

Maybe you still have your favorite doll? If not, you may buy one to represent your inner child — this was helpful for me.  

In this stage, we allow ourselves to feel, and we stay with our feelings, no matter how painful they may be. This stage is demanding for most of us, and I wouldn’t recommend doing it on your own. Find a therapist, a coach, or a mentor to help you with your feelings. 

A note on forgiveness: Some would insist that, without forgiveness, we can’t heal. Others may disagree. To me, an absence of forgiveness means that we cannot let go of the anger that still burns inside. Forgiveness can’t be forced; it can only grow from the inside like a flower through the asphalt. And it can only happen when you’re ready, so don’t make it your priority. 

Stage 3: Finding your true self — from weakness to strength

“You are an adult and can withstand your discomfort for the purpose of becoming your own person.” – Susan Forward 

Have you reached this stage? It’s time to rebuild your identity. To stop doing what other people want you to do and to stop defining yourself by other’s opinions. It’s time to discover who you truly are and how you want to live the rest of your life. 

Develop a new relationship with yourself. 

Learn to notice your feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. Understand your wants and needs and respect them. Learn how to trust yourself. 

Make self-care a priority.

Learn to say “no” when you need to. Find a way to meditate that fits your personality best. Take care of your health through a healthy diet and exercise.

Pray regularly and write a diary or gratitude journal to help you see all the great stuff you already have in your life. Read, draw, sing, dance — do whatever brings you joy. Become your own coach, not a critic.  

Learn new ways of dealing with your mother.

This includes learning new communication skills together with building and protecting healthy boundaries. 

To heal, you need to disconnect emotionally and possibly physically from your hurtful mother. Decide how much contact with her you will have. 

Build meaningful connections with others.

Did you know that loneliness and isolation destroy not only your mental health but your body, too? 

Humans are social creatures, meaning we need other people in our lives to feel happy. And I’m not talking about online friends. It’s face-to-face communication we need — to be with people, shake their hands, give and receive hugs while hearing their hearts beat in unison with ours. It’s not an easy task for someone who has been betrayed by her own mother, but trust can be (re)learned. 

Learn self-compassion. 

Forgive yourself for previous and future mistakes, for weaknesses and shortcomings. We all have them. You can read more here.

Find the direction in which you want your life to develop. 

Maybe you always wanted to be a medical doctor or had a passion for art and design, but you still work at McDonald’s. Your insecurity and doubts are keeping you from living your dreams. 

It’s time to plan your future and move on. Find online groups of people with similar interests and ask for advice. Then ask yourself: “How much will I enjoy doing [name of the job] for a long time?” If the thought alone fills you with joy, you may have found your answer. If not, keep looking. 

Providing for yourself helps to build independence through financial security, and it’s a part of self-growth. 

Last Words of Advice 

Healing from a toxic relationship with your mother can be a difficult journey. To avoid overwhelm on your path to healing, no matter which of the three stages you find yourself in, take one little step at a time. Don’t push yourself; this work can only be accomplished through mindfulness and being present. Give yourself the time you need to process your past and your feelings. 

And remember to live the life best you can, starting now. There’s no need to wait until your healing is complete — that’s one of the limiting beliefs many of us have. There are plenty of good things in your life already, and you can bring more joy into it by actively seeking out fun and activities that will cheer you up. 

What helps you to light up and relax deeply right away?

Do it!

If you find yourself continuing to act out old patterns and roles that no longer serve you, this is more than likely interfering with your ability to create mutually rewarding, respectful, and reciprocal relationships. Below are my ten strategies for getting in touch with your true self so as to create an integrity-based and emotionally rewarding life.

The True Self Lost in Childhood

Although living as one’s true self in an emotionally honest manner might seem like a natural and easy thing to do, those of us who grew up in a family system that did not support our uninhibited and natural expressions may have gradually disconnected from the truth of who we were, i.e., our core essence, so as to be accepted by those we were dependent upon to meet our most basic and fundamental needs. 

It is often the case that children who grew up in these types of chaotic, unstable environments find some semblance of identity and emotional security by taking on one or more family roles, such as the hero, the scapegoat, the rebel, the caretaker, or the clown. But in unconsciously disconnecting from our true self in order to emotionally survive, we may later find ourselves as adults people-pleasing others and hiding behind a facade, with no idea how to express and live our truth.

How to Live and Speak Your Truth

If I were to ask you right now, “In what situations, or around which people, do you feel most yourself, and most creative, spontaneous, and alive?”, how might you respond? Alternatively, if I were to ask you, “In what situations, or around which people, do you feel uncomfortable, restrained, and inhibited?,” how might you reply? Contemplating these questions can be provocative, to say the least, and there may be no obvious or easy answers at first.

If you feel ready to shed anything about yourself that feels false and fearlessly live from a place of emotional honesty, personal integrity (inspired by your principles and values), and a direct knowledge of self, the 10 strategies I designed to assist my psychotherapy and coaching clients will aid you in this courageous quest. If you are not already seeing a competent therapist, counselor, or coach who can support you in your efforts, you might consider engaging such services before implementing the strategies listed below.

10 Strategies for Discovering and Being Your True Self

1. Recognize You Have a True Self Nature: Each of us enters the world possessing an innate, core, true self. Each one of us is an “original model”, and as such we all have unique gifts to offer to the world.
2. Remember and Reflect on When You Felt Happiest as a Child: Think back to when you were young. When did you feel most free, happy, and alive? Take a few minutes after reflecting on what caused you to feel joyful in your youth, going back to your earliest conscious memory. Then write about the people, places, things, and activities that brought you the greatest joy while you were growing up. This simple “remembering and reflection” exercise can put us deeply in touch with the innocent purity of our original true self nature.
3. Make a Commitment to Recover and Reconnect with the Joyful, Innately Pure, Authentic Essence Within: In a certain sense, recognizing and consciously reclaiming our own unique, true self nature is a paradoxical process of finding and embracing what we never really lost. It is an excavation project, of sorts, i.e., it is a process of uncovering, discovering, recovering, and consciously reclaiming who (and what) we in fact have always been, and will always be — That which is most true, honest, expansive, and alive within ourselves, yet constant and unchanging.
4. Make a Decision to Release All that Feels False and No Longer Serves You: Becoming authentic and emotionally honest requires that we be willing to release the parts of ourselves that we were conditioned to become by the various social systems we have been immersed in like a fish swimming in the sea, from our family-of-origin to the cultural and social systems we currently identify with, and everything in between. Ask yourself if you feel ready to begin doing that. If not, I encourage you to explore what might be inhibiting you from living an emotionally honest and authentic life. Change is never easy. It’s never too late to “get real”!
5. The Process Of Letting Go: I often ask my clients who are engaged in a process of true self recovery and reclamation, “Is this (person, place, thing, behavior, situation) serving you at the highest level today?” Whatever is not serving us at the highest level is more than likely not serving others in our life at the highest level either, regardless of how it may seem. It ultimately serves no one when we allow ourselves to remain small, diminish our internal light, and hide our truth from others (and perhaps even from ourselves.)
6. The Only Way Out Is Through: It is often during this process of letting go of all that now feels false that long-buried emotions unconsciously repressed in childhood may surface, resulting in our possibly becoming sad, anxious, angry, and even genuinely depressed. At times such as this it is imperative that a person feels he or she is not alone in the valiant task of facing any painful feelings and memories that may arise head on, versus avoiding the challenging, difficult work of genuine transformational growth; therefore, this is a time when the help of a trusted therapist, counselor, transformational life coach, and/or a psychoeducational peer-support group can prove to be invaluable to a person engaged in the task of reclaiming and authentically embodying his or her true self.
7. It’s Okay to Experience and Release Old, Pent-Up Feelings from Childhood: It is also not uncommon for a person whose true self nature was shamed and dismissed in childhood to find they are experiencing feelings of intense anger, even rage, during this critical transformational time of inner self-exploration and excavation. This can especially surprise those who strived to be “nice” their entire lives to avoid upsetting others and risking conflict. I like to remind my clients during such times that the word “courage” includes the word “rage”, and successful passage through the dark night of the soul is ultimately brought about by processing these more difficult feelings and emotions that society labels as “negative”. Those who were victims of neglect and/or other forms of abuse in childhood are especially prone to finding themselves overwhelmed with these darker, extremely intense feelings; thus, working with a licensed psychotherapeutic professional and/or abuse recovery network such as Adult Survivors of Child Abuse can be especially critical during this phase of recovery, healing, and growth.
8. Pay Attention To Your Dreams: I have also learned from both personal and professional experience that this is a time to pay attention to one’s active imagination, dreams, and fantasies, as suggested by the great Swiss psychologist Carl Jung, for these signs and symbols emanating from deep within our unconscious invariably reveal important keys to a given individual’s growth, including acting as an inner wise guide, when one understands how to begin to interpret the personal and universal symbols contained therein. A book that I often recommend to clients for such creative dream work is Jeremy Taylor’s Dream Work: Techniques for Discovering the Creative Power in Dreams.
9. Release The Limiting Views Of Others: This is also a time when a person might report to their therapist, transformational life coach, or support network that they are feeling increasingly uncomfortable around family members, colleagues, and friends if those relationships were dependent on their being a certain way – A way that now no longer feels authentic, embodied, or emotionally true. This is especially the case when one has knowingly or unknowingly been playing out a particular role within a given relationship and/or system (e.g., hero, rescuer, ‘black sheep’, enabler) and/or been an unwitting recipient of another’s psychological projections (a process whereby humans defend themselves against their own unpleasant impulses by denying their existence while attributing them to others). At some point you may have no choice other than to make it clear that you are no longer willing to distort or hide your true self in order to protect the feelings of others, and that you simply will not accept being manipulated into living out old, familiar role(s) in the dysfunctional system’s “script” (typically one’s family-of-origin) so that the status quo can be maintained.
10. You’re Not Obligated To Play By Other People’s Rules: If it wasn’t clear before, once you commit to live your life authentically it will quickly become evident that every system has its “rules”, be it a family system, a work system, a political system, etc. This is a good time to remember that whatever the system can’t change, control, and/or accept, it will attempt to diminish, label, reject, and even (in extreme cases) “eject”. And this is why I see each and every person who is engaged in a sincere process of true self recovery and reclamation as being heroic, for it is no easy task to realize the truth of who and what one is while attempting to maintain relationships with others who may be demanding we “change back” (whether overtly or covertly) so that they might feel more comfortable, in control, and secure.

Living as Your True Self

As illustrated in the above 10 strategies, remaining committed to an ongoing transformational process designed to further our personal and professional growth, enhance our relationships, and increase our overall sense of confidence and well being is not always a simple or enjoyable task, especially in the beginning. And yet, those who decide to do what it takes to live from a place of emotional integrity and fearless honesty invariably discover that it is worth the effort required, for it is by courageously committing to recovering the lost child’ within that we are able to become the true self we were always destined to be. And what could be better than that?

Yup. It’s September. Most teens have been back in school for a few weeks already. Many have made promises that this year will be different. This year will be more successful and less stressed. If you are one of the millions who’ve made such a promise, maybe a few tips from the experts will help you think about how to succeed.

Set a goal: It’s not too early to think about what you want to do in the future. You are laying the foundation for it now. 

If you want to enter the trades, find out what you need to do to prepare yourself. Unfortunately, many high schools have all but eliminated classes in trades like auto mechanics and carpentry, but you can still get some experience. Think about getting a part time job that will help you decide if such work is for you. Visit local trade schools to explore what they offer and what they expect of applicants. 

If you think you want to go to college, ask yourself why. Then sit down with your parents to talk about what you need to do to get there academically and financially. Do remember that it isn’t necessary to go to an elite college to prepare yourself for a career that requires a degree. There are lots of excellent schools out there besides the Ivy Leagues. 

Undecided about your direction? Talk to your school guidance program about gap year options that will give you new and different experiences before committing to a career path. Making a plan for what happens after graduation will give you focus and will reduce your stress.

Resist peer pressure: This is a tough one. Peer pressure can actually work positively or negatively. On the positive side, wanting to fit in with your friends can influence you to get involved with a sport or a political cause or to do your best on a term paper. But that same desire to be accepted can influence you to blow off school work or to get involved with risky behaviors you know aren’t really a good idea. Yes, you want to have fun. But learning how to be true to yourself and to make the choices that make sense for your long term goals is part of becoming an adult.

Get Enough Sleep: You. Need. Sleep. And plenty of it. According to the National Sleep Foundation, teens need between 8 – 10 hours of sleep a night. Yes. That’s right. 8 – 10 hours. 87% of American high school students are chronically sleep-deprived. In fact, 20% of kids are trying to get by on only 5 hours a night?  

Just because most teens in the U.S. are walking around chronically exhausted doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. The consequences are huge. It has a negative effect on both your physical health and your mental functioning and well-being. A sleepy brain has a harder time learning. Concentration and memory are affected. You are more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression and even suicidal thinking. If you are an athlete, sleep deprivation affects sports performance and increases your risk of injury. An occasional short night probably won’t hurt but if it becomes more than occasional, reset your schedule so your body and mind get the restorative sleep needed to succeed.

Control your Screen time: A 2018 report from the Pew Research Center states that 9 out of 10 teens think that the amount of time they spend on screens (cell phones, tablets, computers, TVs) is a problem. 45% of teens now say they are online on a near-constant basis. Yes, screens seem to be here to stay. But how you use them is up to you. 

On the positive side, smart phones and computers help you stay in touch with friends and family. It puts information about almost anything at your fingertips. Staying current with the news and doing research for your school papers is easy. Cellphones also can help you stay safe.

On the down side, excessive use has been found to lower self-esteem and to increase teen depression, anxiety and loneliness, and to foster poor body image. Social media platforms can also be used to bully. Anxiety about who is saying what about you and others can drive you to obsessively check and check and check. Clicking from one YouTube to another or scrolling endlessly through FaceBook and Snapchat can suck up your time and your life. Don’t let devices control you and get in the way of your academic success.

Limit Gaming: Yes, gaming can be fun. It can lead to an increase in creativity and problem-solving skills. Gaming with friends can increase, not decrease, your social life. But if you are giving up sleep and losing your ability to control how much time you spend on the latest version of the latest game, you are also giving up your chances of academic, and social, success. Why? Because gaming can take over your time and your life. Whether you are in fact “addicted” or you just like to spend hours a day in game, the results can be reduced concentration, difficulties with memory, failure to do important school assignments, and isolation from real time friends and family. 

Balance work and play: Total focus on academics can lead to isolation, loneliness, anxiety, and depression. On the other hand, spreading your focus among classes, a sport, two extra-curricular activities, a part time job, and partying on weekends can lead to enormous stress and an increase in risk for mental health problems. Withdrawing from the stress by withdrawing to your bedroom can deprive you of the fun and meaningful experiences that the high school years can offer.

The trick is to find a balance. Yes, do well in your studies. But also think hard about whether you are over-scheduled or under-involved. How you live really is your choice. Make sure you make time for your studies but also for friendships and fun. Make an active decision about how you will spend your time and your life.