Lisa Find Love

Most relationships fail and nearly half of American adults are unmarried. Why can’t we find love and why don’t relationships last? Paradoxically, as much as we want love, we also fear it. Fear of not being loved is the greatest reason we don’t find love and sabotage it in our relationships. In other words, we can create our worst fear by trying to avoid it. To people who pursue love but attract distancers, this may sound ridiculous. We’d all like to blame our partner or bad luck, but that’s only half the story.

There are hidden reasons we thwart love. Our fears aren’t usually conscious. They include fear of physical or emotional abandonment (not being loved) that includes fear of rejection and fear of remaining unloved and alone. Toxic shame is the main culprit that feeds these fears that sabotage love. It takes many forms.

Shame Thwarts Love

Shame fosters the belief that we’re unlovable and unworthy of connection. Our beliefs motivate our feelings and behavior. They’re like the operating system in our mind-ware. Unfortunately, many negative beliefs run in the background and, like viruses, derail our conscious intentions. Shame-based ideas that we’re undeserving of good, happiness, and love can sabotage our desires and block or push love away. Bottom line: We won’t believe we’re acceptable to others if we don’t accept ourselves. However, we can change our beliefs. 

Low Self-Esteem and Judgment

Shame creates an inner critic who judges us harshly. Our critic also judges others. It can convince us that we’re being judged. This anxiety further proves that we’re unworthy of love. In fact, we’re so anxious about not being loved that we make false assumptions, filter out positive feedback, and misinterpret things to reinforce our negative self-judgments and fears of rejection. Not surprisingly, research shows that the level of our self-esteem is predictive of the longevity of our relationships.

Guilt

Shame also creates guilt. Guilt is anger turned against ourselves. It makes us feel unentitled to success, to happiness, and to love. In relationships, guilt blocks intimacy. We avoid closeness and certain topics to hide what we’re afraid or ashamed to reveal for fear of rejection and abandonment. This is especially true when we’ve been dishonest in the relationship. Until we’ve forgiven ourselves fully, we won’t feel worthy of love. We can’t move forward and may even attract negative experiences and unsuitable partners. Self-forgiveness is entirely possible and is encouraged by all world religions. 

Perfectionism

When we feel flawed and not enough, we might cope by trying to be perfect and beyond reproach. Perfectionism is a compulsive attempt to attain unreasonable standards and expectations. This is, of course, impossible, and leads to anxiety, fear of failing, irritability and unhappiness. Perfectionism obscures our innate worth and makes us focus on the negative. By looking for what’s wrong, we’re unable to enjoy pride and to appreciate our attributes and accomplishments. Because we’re always failing to achieve the unattainable, perfectionism gives ammunition to our critic and separates us from love of self and others. It also impairs our ability to take risks and be vulnerable and authentic, all which are necessary in giving and receiving love. Instead, we feel more inadequate and self-critical. Perfectionists are hard to live with, especially when they’re critical of others and expect them to be perfect, too. They can sabotage love and relationships. 

Inauthenticity

Shame makes us embarrassed and afraid to reveal what we really think and feel. We’re more concerned about not being judged or rejected. However, authenticity is actually more attractive and makes effective communication possible. It builds trust and allows for real intimacy. Dysfunctional communication that’s dishonest, indirect, passive or aggressive prevents closeness and damages relationships.

Comparisons

Shame and feelings of inadequacy lead to comparisons. Rather than recognizing our own worth, we evaluate whether we’re doing better or worse than someone else. Feeling superior is a defense to shame, and envy stems from not feeling that we’re enough. When we negatively compare our partner and relationship, we end up dissatisfied. However, when we accept ourselves, we have humility. We don’t think we’re better or worse. We accept others and realize we’re all unique and flawed individuals.

Distrust Blocks Love

Many people, especially codependents, have a dysfunctional relationship to trust. They’re too trusting, which can lead to disappointment and betrayal; or, they build walls of mistrust to keep love out. People often say that they trust someone until they’re given reason not to, while others who have been hurt expect to be hurt again. They fear rejection and abandonment and expect the worse. They’re suspicious and imagine untrue things about their partner that are hard to disprove. We trust too quickly because we’re impatient for love and fear being unloved and alone. A wiser position is to be neutral, allow a relationship to unfold naturally and trust to build based on experience.

Lack of Integrity

When we sacrifice our values to accommodate our partner, it’s to maintain the relationship due to fear of abandonment. No matter how we justify it to ourselves, when our behavior is not aligned with our standards, we feel guilt or shame that whittle away at our self-esteem and self-worth. By abandoning ourselves, we jeopardize the very relationship that we’re trying to spare.

© 2019 Darlene Lancer      

Art imitated life in an episode of one of my favorite medical shows called New Amsterdam. In it, a team of health care professionals tackle challenging issues in the lives of the patients who pass through the doors of an inner city hospital and by the end of the show, sometimes the solutions are found, but not all are tied up in nice neat little packages with a pretty bow on top. 

One was the heart-wrenching dynamic in a family that included two parents, a young brother and slightly older sister, both under age 12. The little boy was brought in by ambulance after a near strangulation. The parents tell the ER doc that he got caught in a cord from a window shade. It unravels when she sees finger-prints on his neck that tell her that was not the cause. She immediately asks for a consult with the staff psychiatrist, Dr. Iggy Frome, and for a call to be put in to Child Protective Services. 

Dr. Frome speaks with the father and the CPS caseworker interviews the mother. Both of their stories are debunked, and it is determined that neither of them is the perpetrator, but each initially takes the blame. What is discovered is that it is the girl who attacked her brother when he wouldn’t turn over his phone to her. She felt entitled to it, simply because she wanted it. She had no compunction about stealing it by assaulting him. Turns out, per evidence of her behaviors, that she would receive the diagnosis of psychopathy. 

In two sessions with the doctor, she exhibits a shocking lack of conscience. He asks her telling questions about her perception about her family and her desire to hurt them. He inquires why she thinks she should. Her chilling response? “Because I can.” In further interactions, he puts her to a test by playing a winner-take-all game. She masterfully brings him to his emotional knees by insulting his intelligence, his lack of composure and appearance and a macaroni sculpture made by one of his children. 

Dr. Frome refers to her as a “callous unemotional child.” The flat affect she exhibited with the brief exception of when she knew she had people in her life on hyper-alert, often accompanies this presentation. All of these put her at risk for a life of escalating criminal behaviors, hospitalization and incarceration. Although he had never successfully treated a child with that condition, he held out hope that with persistence, he could ameliorate the effects.  It might include incorporating emotional literacy techniques to instill a sense of connection with other living beings.

This fictional interaction was well researched and scripted since it mirrors the standard beliefs about the diagnosis.

• An absence of empathy or compassion for others
• Lack of remorse for actions that harm others
• A sense of entitlement that they should have what they want simply because they want it
• High risk behaviors to see what they can get away with
• Desire for dopamine rush that comes with the aforementioned attitudes and behaviors
• Concocting elaborate stories about their activities
• Dismissing the concerns of others
• Gaslighting
• Believing that the ends justify the means
• Impulsivity
• Objectifying others

A quiz that may identify traits, but is not meant to be a diagnostic tool is available. A more nuanced tool is called the Robert Hare Psychopathy Checklist, which is considered “the gold standard” to determine if someone is exhibiting signs of this insidious condition. In his book called Without Conscience, Robert Hare, Ph.D., describes the symptoms and dynamics and harm done by those afflicted.

Can psychopathy be successfully treated? It is debatable that a “cure” is possible.

Famous people who meet the descriptive criteria:

• Jeffrey Dahmer
• Adolph Hitler
• Josef Mengele
• The Zodiac Killer
• Henry the VIII
• Vlad the Impaler
• Charles Manson
• Ted Bundy
• Jack the Ripper
• The Boston Strangler

Are All Psychopaths Violent?

In the course of his research on Alzheimer’s Disease, neuroscientist James Fallon, made an alarming discovery. His brain resembled that of a psychopath. He then penned a book called, The Psychopath Inside: A Neuroscientist’s Personal Journey Into the Dark Side of the Brain. As he looked back on his childhood, he recalls incidents of high-risk behaviors, depersonalizing others and into adulthood putting himself and others in danger for the thrill of it.

His interview in The Atlantic shines a light on the shadows he casts. He has not attacked anyone and has not gotten in trouble with the law. What he has done is distanced himself emotionally from those he feels he “should” love and exhibit deeper caring about.

What Is the Dopamine Connection?

In the journal called Nature Neuroscience, a study was recorded that explored the nature of psychopathic individuals. “Psychopaths are often thought of as cold-blooded criminals who take what they want without thinking about consequences.” says Joshua Buckholtz, a graduate student in the department of psychology and lead author of the new study. “We found that a hyper-reactive dopamine reward system may be the foundation for some of the most problematic behaviors associated with psychopathy, such as violent crime, recidivism and substance abuse.”

The desire to experience the dopamine rush is what fuels the behavior with no solid morals to filter out societally acceptable behavior. It also contributes to emotional abusive and manipulative behavior in relationships. The person with the condition is on the lookout for the next relational high and influx of the brain chemical and when they no longer feel it, may discard the partner since they don’t have any reckoning of personal responsibility for their feelings.

“A psychopath can tell what you’re thinking but what they don’t do is feel what you feel. These are people without a conscience.”- Robert D. Hare

Childhelp

Childhelp, one of the largest and oldest national, non-profit organizations dedicated to the treatment, prevention and research of child abuse and neglect, provides a broad continuum of programs that directly serve abused children and their families.

Childhelp has many resources available to help you learn more about child abuse, including in-depth information and statistics on child abuse, helpful links, tips and articles, and special interest areas for parents, children and professionals.

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD is a confidential and anonymous Hotline offering crisis intervention, information, literature, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources.

http://www.childhelp.org/

HelpGuide.org – Domestic Abuse Resources

HelpGuide.org seeks to help those affected by domestic violence no matter the form. Learn more about the different types of abuse, and empower yourself to stop or prevent it and make a difference in your own life or someone else’s.

https://www.helpguide.org/home-pages/domestic-abuse.htm

National Center for Missing and Exploited Children

“The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children is a private, non-profit 501(c)(3) corporation whose mission is to help find missing children, reduce child sexual exploitation, and prevent child victimization. NCMEC works with families, victims, private industry, law enforcement, and the public to assist with preventing child abductions, recovering missing children, and providing services to deter and combat child sexual exploitation.”

http://www.missingkids.com/

National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome

The National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome is intended for professionals and parents looking for information, ideas, and answers to questions about shaken baby syndrome, a tragic form of child abuse. There is an abundance of helpful articles including ways of understanding babies crying, ways to de-stress situations and much more.

https://www.dontshake.org/

RA Info.org – Ritual Abuse, Ritual Crime and Healing

“Resources for ritual abuse survivors, mind control survivors, their therapists, ministers, families, friends, and researchers. We have been collecting these resources since 1995, so many books are now out of print and many websites are no longer on the Internet.

Although the page is divided into sections for survivors, therapists, and researchers, you will find interesting material in all three sections.”

http://ra-info.org/

Abuse Support Groups

Facebook Groups – Mental Health and Abuse Support

This Facebook group is a peer to peer support group for individuals suffering from mental health issues or PTSD as a result of Abuse or Trauma.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/561833817263718/

Facebook Groups – You Are Not Alone <3 Support To Child Abuse Survivors

This Facebook group was created in April 2010 to raise awareness of child abuse and create a place for survivors to talk and express their feelings.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/319187306611/

Fort Refuge

Chat and Forums community with resources for abuse survivors.

http://www.fortrefuge.com/

Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse (UK)

Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse (HAVOCA) provides support, friendship and advice for any adult whose life has been affected by childhood abuse.

http://www.havoca.org/

Psych Central Forums – Childhood Emotional Neglect

A place to discuss childhood emotional neglect (CEN).

https://psychcentralforums.com/childhood-emotional-neglect/

Psych Central Forums – Self Injury

A safe place to support one another in dealing with and helping each other to reduce self injury behaviors.

https://psychcentralforums.com/self-injury/

Psych Central Forums – Survivors of Abuse

A place for people being abused and the survivors of abuse, whether it be childhood, adult, emotional, psychological , sexual, or physical abuse or assault (like sexual assault).

https://psychcentralforums.com/survivors-of-abuse/

Safe Horizon

Although oriented toward victims in New York, Safe Horizon offers a great deal of helpful information and links to resources for victims anywhere within the U.S.

https://www.safehorizon.org/

Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests

Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (SNAP), an independent and confidential organization, with no connections to the church or church officials, is the nation’s largest, oldest and most active support group for women and men wounded by religious authority figures (priests, ministers, bishops, deacons, nuns and others). SNAP offers a Discussion Board, link to SNAP Community on MSN.com, a place to publish your essays, a catalog of clergy abuse editorials to newspapers, help articles and more.

http://www.snapnetwork.org/

Survivorship

For survivors of ritual abuse, mind control, torture and pro-survivors. Membership in Survivorship is a powerful way to break the isolation and silence and to come together in community. It is a way for people to connect with each other, to validate each other’s feelings and experiences, to share information, and to offer each other support and understanding.

Please be mindful of your reactions as you explore these pages. Reading about ritual abuse can act as triggers for very powerful feelings, both positive and negative, especially if you are new to the memory of your past or new to information about ritualized abuse.

https://survivorship.org/

Everyday Power

Everyday Power recognizes the meaningful and vibrant lives we are all capable of having. They strive to help you set and reach objectives that are rooted in everyday action and to assist you in building momentum to accomplish both small and large goals in your life.

https://everydaypower.com/

Pinch of Attitude

Pinch of Attitude was created to help others overcome most of their lives’ negativity and spearhead toward whatever they always dream of.

Learn to break through your low self-esteem and depression in order to feel better about yourself with these helpful articles, activities and tips.

https://www.pinchofattitude.com/

Shy and Free – A Site that Transforms Shyness

What is keeping you from finding happiness and wholeness? Shy and Free was created in order to help people to transform their shyness and eliminate the self-destructive beliefs that are holding them back. Content includes articles and information, a support community, and book recommendations.

https://www.shyandfree.com/

Succeed Socially

SucceedSocially.com is an extensive, completely free collection of articles on social skills and getting past social awkwardness written by someone who’s struggled socially themselves, and who’s also educated in psychology and counseling. The content is aimed at adults and older teenagers, though many of the ideas are applicable to younger children. It covers broad areas such as shyness and social anxiety, making conversation, and forming friendships.

http://www.succeedsocially.com

VeryWellMind.com – Self-Improvement Resources

“It can be a lot harder than you think to keep a smile on your face. Discover powerful strategies rooted in the latest science for building, sustaining, and enhancing your happiness.”

https://ift.tt/366akxV

Self-Esteem & Shyness Support Groups

Emotions Anonymous

“Emotions Anonymous is an international fellowship of men and women who desire to improve their emotional well-being. EA members come together in weekly meetings for the purpose of working toward recovery from any sort of emotional difficulties. EA members are of diverse ages, races, economic status, social and educational backgrounds. The only requirement for membership is a desire to become well emotionally.”

http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/

Psych Central Forums – Habit Change

Want to change a long-standing habit or behavior that’s doing you no good?

https://psychcentralforums.com/habit-change/

Psych Central Forums – Self-Help Ideas and Goal Setting

A place to share goal setting and self-help ideas. Please also check out the online book, Psychological Self-Help by Dr. Clay Tucker-Ladd.

https://psychcentralforums.com/self-help-ideas-and-goal-setting/

Psych Central Forums – Steps to Better Self-Esteem

Learn the steps to better your self-esteem, and help others find better self-esteem, too.

https://psychcentralforums.com/steps-to-better-self-esteem/

Social Phobia World

This site features a wealth of information related to social phobia and shyness, including symptom descriptions, treatment information, tests, forums, chats and members directory organized by regions.

https://socialphobiaworld.com/

Beautiful Tribute

The mission at Beautiful Tribute is to allow everyone to create a stunning, personalized memorial page in minutes. Upload multiple pictures, video, music and more. You can create a public or password protected memorial as well as choose to approve what’s posted with no ads, no fees and no archiving. Memories last an eternity and so will your online memorial.

http://beautifultribute.com

Bereavement Advice

When someone dies there are many practical matters to attend to and very few of us have to deal with these more than once or twice in our own lifetime. This resource was created in order to help guide you through the stages of bereavement and hopefully offer some advice on what to do when dealing with the deceased’s estate and personal matters.

http://www.bereavementadvice.co.uk/

Grief and Sympathy

Grief and Sympathy is written by nurse, health visitor and hospice matron Elizabeth Postle who had over 45 years experience helping the bereaved. This resource encompasses all types of loss including divorce, chronic illness, pet loss, disability, and grief due to a relative with Alzheimer’s disease as well as bereavement. It also includes poems, quotes, and advice for planning funerals and expressing sympathy to those who are dealing with loss.

https://www.griefandsympathy.com

Grief Healing

Developed by a certified bereavement counselor, this site offers information, comfort and support to those who are anticipating or mourning the loss of a loved one, whether human or animal. Includes articles on various aspects of loss as well as links to other resources.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/

HelpGuide.org – Grief & Loss Resources

“Grief is a natural yet painful response to loss. While you may associate grief with the death of a loved one, any loss can cause grief, including the loss of a relationship, your health, your job, or a cherished dream. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but there are healthy ways to cope with the pain and express your emotions in ways that allow you to heal.”

https://www.helpguide.org/home-pages/grief.htm

Hospice Foundation of America

The Hospice Foundation of America provides extensive information about the grieving process, including dozens of articles and useful information for anyone going through the grieving process. Articles include:

• Shattering Eight Myths About Grief
• A Year is a Relative Thing
• Facing Sudden Loss
• Guilt and Regret in Prolonged Illness
• Helping a Child Deal with Death
• Eight Myths About Children and Loss
• Reflections on Spiritual Problems in Sudden Loss
• After Caregiving Ends
• Holiday Memories
• Grief and the Holidays
• Am I Losing My Mind?

https://hospicefoundation.org/

Journey Through Grief

Journey Through Grief provides various ways of learning to cope and deal with grief, trauma, loss and sorrow; from grief poems to the making of memory books, memorial gardens and more.

http://www.journey-through-grief.com/

Memorial Haven

An online obituary and memorial site where individuals can celebrate the lives of their deceased loved ones. The online memorials and tributes act as “scrapbooks” of the lives of those lost. Post condolence messages to the bereaved and share memories through photos and videos.

http://www.memorialhaven.com

Memory Space from Mind

Mind’s Memory Space is a place where you, your friends and your family can keep photos and share stories of a loved one, and create a tribute fund as a lasting memory of a loved one.

http://memoryspace.mind.org.uk/

Sympathy Message Ideas

A resource offering help and examples when struggling with finding the right words to express your sympathy in a bereavement or condolence message.

http://www.sympathymessageideas.com

Webhealing.com

Created by Tom Golden, LCSW, this website is devoted to helping people understand and deal with profound grief. Webhealing.com provides free resources for those experiencing loss, including articles and forums, as well as paid services and tools provided by Mr. Golden through his workshops and private practice.

http://webhealing.com/

Grief & Loss Support Groups

Compassionate Friends

Compassionate Friends was created to assist families grieving the death of a child of any age. This group offers friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings.

https://www.compassionatefriends.org/

Facebook Groups – Greyhound Grief Support Group

This peer to peer Facebook group is for those who have lost a beloved greyhound. Please join and share your memories, cry, laugh or talk about your beloved grey. Share your memories of their birthdays, photos, or how you are honoring them. Let this be a safe place to come together and find comfort in shared grief.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/greygriefgroup

Facebook Groups – Healing Circles Grief Recovery and Support

The Healing Circles is a peer-to-peer Facebook support group whose members provide each other with emotional support with grief after the loss of a loved one. Members with the same issues can come together for sharing coping strategies, to feel more empowered and achieve a sense of community.

Help given and received through this forum may take the form of providing and evaluating relevant information relating personal experience, listening and accepting others’ experiences, and/or providing sympathetic understanding while establishing social networks.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/149122968466058/

Facebook Groups – I Miss My Son/Daughter

This is a group for parents ONLY, including anyone in a parental role that has experienced the death of a child. Members take comfort knowing that they are sharing their experiences with those that can understand and comprehend what they are going through.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/584145061660973/

Facebook Groups – POS – FFOS Suicide Grief Support Group

The POS-FFOS Grief Support Forum Board is here to provide information and support to anyone whose life has been touched by suicide. This board is an outreach project of the Parents of Suicides (POS) and Friends & Families of Suicides (FFOS) Internet Communities.

This is not a suicide or crisis hotline. Please contact a counselor, family member, friend, or emergency services if you are having suicidal thoughts.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/98668838382/

Facebook Groups – Suicide Grief Support

This peer-to-peer Facebook group is here to listen to the survivors left behind by suicide. They can’t make the hurt go away, but they have been there before you and they will be by your side as you take this journey.

Please note that this groups is not intended for those that have attempted suicide, but for teenagers or young adults who have lost a friend or classmate.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/283667218320416/

Facebook Groups – TTTS Grief Support Group

This group is founded by and maintained by Twin to Twin Transfusion Loss parents. They have no affiliations with any organizations, foundations or religious groups. All TTTS loss parents are welcome to join this closed group in order to share, contribute and both offer and receive support without judgement.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/150273021690175/

Grief Healing Discussion Groups

This resource offers a safe, anonymous, online place where the bereaved can share their stories of loss and ask questions to learn more about the normal grieving process.

If you are anticipating or coping with a significant loss in your life and wish to better understand the grief that accompanies such loss, this site has been created to offer you the information, comfort and support that you need.

As you proceed along your grief journey, what you’ll find on these pages is meant to acknowledge and honor you as a person in mourning, to help you make some sense out of what you may be feeling, to prepare you for what to expect in grief, and to help you find meaning, growth and healing along the way.

https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/

HealGrief

HealGrief is dedicated to bringing family and friends from around the world together to memorialize and celebrate a loved one’s life. A non-profit organization offering a free online community where you can share funeral notices, memorials, virtual candle galleries and other support.

https://healgrief.org/

Psych Central Forums – Grief & Loss

A helpful place to visit for support when you’ve lost a loved one, either through death or some other kind of loss.

https://psychcentralforums.com/grief-and-loss/

Rainbows for All Children

Rainbows for All Children is dedicated to being the premier source of support for all youth as they navigate grief and heal from loss, whether from death, divorce, deployment, or other trauma. Rainbows nurtures a community of effective Rainbows-trained Facilitators, supported by a repository of resources designed to guide youth in their grieving process.
Rainbows is unique in that it offers support services for children suffering from different kinds of loss. Their trained facilitators, using age-appropriate curriculum, establish peer support groups in schools, faith-based organizations, or community centers.

http://www.rainbows.org

Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors

Every year, hundreds of soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines die in service to our country. While some of them will make the ultimate sacrifice on the field of battle, others will lose their lives while living a unique life as a service member. These men and women will leave behind their beloved family and friends. Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) is an organization created to provide comfort, support and care to these military survivors.

https://www.taps.org/

I created this artwork while smack-dab in a low mental health place over the jummer. My anxiety was causing my hand to no-joke shake with the paint brush in it, yet I felt so sure: everything I was going through was material and it would take me somewhere. (p.s. Is it obvious that I’d just seen the newest Aladdin movie?)

Well, it happened again.

I feel like life for me over the past decade has basically been this: me scurrying around scooping up my marbles, then losing them again. Scoop em up, lose em again. Scoop, lose, scoop, lose.

The particular Marble Scattering that just occurred, though, I mostly did to myself.

In late spring, I had successfully thrived through several consecutive months of strong mental wellbeing and successful management of my ADHD symptoms. I had all my personal/home support systems in check, was straddling clouds of inspiration and creativity, found myself plowing through to-do lists and social endeavors like a John Deere tractor, enjoyed almost all of my inner thoughts about myself and the world, and generally found life to be manageable, maybe even — dare I say it — easy.

Let me pause here to offer my medication backdrop: My anti-anxiety go-to med for these 10 years has been Lexipro. I have done lots of personal development around acceptance of this gift from modern medicine; therapy and inner work have assisted in my slow descent off the pedestal that used to be a shrine to my ego. When anxiety first presented in my early thirties, I used to sit on that pedestal — suffering and panic-ridden — as if by not accepting the assistance of pharmaceutical intervention I somehow was stronger (albeit iller). But then I got wiser. I’ve written a “Medication Manifesto” to myself and have it tucked away in my journal for regular review, its core message that I am strong for all the work I put into my wellness — medication included — and that it’s not cheating. After all, strong people accept help.

But, after having just explained to you how much comfort I had worked hard for surrounding the gift of Lexipro, I still had this quiet eagerness to get off of it. Without even consciously knowing it, I think I was secretly looking for enough evidence, enough stability, enough consecutive weeks/months of my marbles well-kept to warrant an off-ramp from anti-anxiety meds.

In May, I was solid — really, really solid. And I was ready to hit the eject button to my pal, Lexipro. I said, “Thanks, old friend. You were there for me when I needed you, but life is telling me I’m ready to move along now. I’m grateful for you, and I will now say my goodbyes. SEE YA!”

So, I did. I removed Lexipro from my regiment.

Oh, how that was not the right move.

I don’t mean to throw Life under the bus (because it’s just doing its thang, nothing personal of course), but shortly after I said ta-ta to Lexipro, I did unexpectedly lose my favorite housecleaner/laundry-manager/home-organizer (my beloved Jane) and I did transition from school mode into summer mode with four kids around me all the time (I thought I had a balanced-out summer plan with proper babysitting stints but apparently not — the ample amounts of me-time I glean during the school year didn’t transfer over) and I did have back-to-back houseguests (which sort of throws me off without enough reset time between).

Actually, to be fair, Life only threw the first curveball in that list. The others I knew were coming. I was just too much of a dingbat to account for them when I made my “I’m OK to go off Lexipro” decision. Like I said, I was in conquer-life mode when I made the decision, not prepare-for-the-worst mode. Oh, and also, I was on Lexipro when I made the decision to go off Lexipro. Kinda twisty, the way that works.

By early July, I had lost a couple marbles. I was instantly aware… on standby as I ramped up mindfulness meditation and self-care as best I could. But by mid-July I had lost the whole lot of those freaking things, my mind a pretty panicky and whacked-out place, my body affected by sleep loss, appetite loss, heart racing, and overall pretty damn shaky.

I texted my favorite full-disclosure people to fill them in and got back on Lexipro on July 14th.

It’s been a slow return to mental health wellness since.

And, since I’m 76% not embarrassed about it, I’ll say that because Lexipro was taking a much longer time to kick in and since I was forced to admit that I couldn’t handle continuing to go downhill during the wait, I layered on a second medication to try to get some relief.

And I did.

So, here I am — a little beat up and weary — but better. Much, much better. 

I’ll stop here to share with you what one of my favorite people gifted me as I was getting better:

I was feeling like my inner tube might actually be losing air, but it turns out if you’re breathing then you’re doing the most important thing right and that must have meant my head was in fact above the water. I thank my dear friend, who reminded me of this when I needed it most.

I’ve learned from one of my favorite inspirational teachers, Glennon Doyle Melton, that there’s a less intimidating way to approach decision-making than we often do. This quote of hers resonates with me, “Just do the next right thing one thing at a time. That’ll take you all the way home.” 

The me in May believed the next right thing to do was to go off my mental health med. The me today is abundantly aware that anti-anxiety meds might be in my life for a lot longer than I expected them to be. 

The past five months have been material that took me somewhere, and that means I’m a few steps closer to home. I’m grateful for that.

One strategy for dealing with a narcissist or sociopath is to act like a “gray rock,” meaning that you become uninteresting and unresponsive. You don’t feed their needs for drama or attention. You don’t show emotion, say anything interesting, or disclose any personal information. Nor do you ask questions or participate in conversations, except for brief factual replies. Limit your answers to a few syllables, a nod, or say “maybe” or “I don’t know.” Additionally, you may have to make yourself plain and unattractive, so your partner gains no pleasure in showing you off or even being seen with you.

This maneuver removes a narcissist of his or her “narcissistic supply.” For sociopaths and borderline personalities, you deprive them of drama. You become so boring that the other person loses interest in you and will look elsewhere to get their needs met. Even if you’re accused, you might agree or say nothing. Your nonresistance makes it harder for them to project onto you. The idea is to blend into the background, like a gray rock. 

When to Be a Gray Rock

Gray rock is the most effective in work and dating relationships or when co-parenting after separation with the goal of being left alone. In marriages, your spouse may not want a divorce for a variety of reasons. Even if you no longer want or expect love from your spouse yet want to stay married, be prepared for him or her to get their needs met outside the marriage. Consider how you will feel if your spouse openly takes a lover. Not reacting to adultery gives permission to your spouse to “have his (or her) cake and eat it too.” On the other hand, if you want to breakup or escape a hovering narcissist or sociopath, they will soon tire of your lack of response and leave you alone. 

Risks of Going Gray Rock

In “5 Mistakes to Never Make with an Abuser,” I explain why typical responses to abusers, such as explaining, arguing, and placating, are counterproductive. Going gray rock is also not without risks. Be forewarned that if you want more attention and love from a narcissist, this tactic will drive them away.

Moreover, abusers will up the ante to elicit a response from you to regain control and reassure themselves that you have feelings for them. It’s essential that you practice detachment and not respond to anger, putdowns, outrageous accusations, slander, or jealous provocations. Like children having a tantrum, once you give in and react, they believe they have the upper hand. However, if you’re persistent, in time, they’ll tire of not getting a reaction.

If you’re with a violent partner, you may be in harm’s way whether or not you react, because violent abusers don’t need an excuse to take out their rage on you. They may easily manufacture unfounded justifications. It’s better to confront abuse, set boundaries, and take steps to protect yourself.

The Hidden Danger of a Gray Rock Strategy

There is a hidden risk to this strategy that is not often mentioned, but I’ve witnessed it with clients who have practiced it living with a narcissist for some years. You risk losing connection to your feelings, wants, and needs. Like anyone walking on eggshells in a relationship, you’re suppressing your thoughts and feelings. By not expressing yourself, you become alienated from your real self. This can be traumatic. Beware that you don’t become depressed and withdraw in other relationship.

Being a gray rock requires you to suppress your natural needs for love, attention, love, companionship, empathy, sex, and affection. As you become more invisible, your behavior feeds codependency. Rather than become more assertive, you may be replaying your childhood drama. It may be a re-traumatization of how you felt growing up if your needs and feelings were ignored. This tactic is based upon self-denial and self-sacrifice and isn’t the best strategy to feel safe and get your needs met. 

If you’re able to breakup or divorce and go no contact, that is a far better option. If you’re unable to do that for emotional reasons, examine your vulnerability to getting drawn back in. Are you still hoping for love and commitment from this person? (Read “Can a Narcissist Love?”) If so, deep yearnings will sabotage your gray rock performance. It’s better to work with a counselor on letting go.

Unless you’re not cohabiting and unequivocally want to leave and not interact with your partner (except to co-parent or to minimally interact for work), this is a risky tactic to attempt long term. It’s far better to set effective boundaries on bad behavior and learn strategies to get your needs met as described in Dealing with a Narcissist. Then you can ascertain whether your relationship can improve or whether it’s best to leave. 

©Darlene Lancer 2019

We love to put things in boxes. Broccoli goes in the good box. Cake goes in the bad box. Water is in the good box. Soda is in the bad box. Yoga? Good box. Netflix? Bad box. We feel guilty about ‘bad box’ things, and proud of ‘good box’ things. 

It makes sense to put technology in the “bad” box. However, the box mentality is a bit restricted: whether something is good or bad doesn’t necessarily depend on the thing, but on how much of thing, and in what way you use the thing.

When it comes to technology, especially phones, we need to recognize both the detrimental effects technology has had on mental health, but also the potential of tech to powerfully impact wellness for the better — the answer is not to resort back to an agrarian society and hear from your friends via carrier pigeon. 

We need to explore the ways in which technology can be used to mitigate its own damage. But more than that, we need to figure out how technology can go beyond merely fixing things to making things extraordinarily better. 

Technology, used right, has multiple benefits — and some are already being utilized. 

1. Technology is Neutral

In a systematic review on barriers to young people getting help in Australia, the number one barrier was the stigma associated with having a mental health issue. Digital health initiatives, like mental health chatbots, can remove the embarrassment from getting help. An AI psychologist may come in the form of an app or an add-on, and may have natural conversation options or provides mental health activities. A chatbot is less intrusive than going to a human, and also won’t judge their client. Sometimes it can be much easier to talk to a bot. 

Another major barrier uncovered by the research was “confidentiality and trust” —  young people were worried about breaches of confidentiality, judgment, or even just having a lack of familiarity. Using technology to address mental health means that people can share intimate details about themselves without fear that their trust will be broken, or that they’ll face judgement or criticism. 

2. Technology Is Preventative

A study led by the World Health Organization estimated that the global cost of mental health treatment and health outcomes in 36 low-, middle- and high-income countries for the 15 years from 2016-2030 is around a trillion US dollars every year. And depression in particular is on the rise, increasing by a whopping 18% between 2005 and 2015. 

Reactive measures to this crisis are not feasible — we need quick, effective, preventative measures. A preventative measure can analyze risk factors and take steps to prevent future issues. For example, a mental health app that tracks exposomic factors (exposomic meaning everything about a person that isn’t purely genetic) will be able to direct people to individually tailored programs that can increase resilience before anything ever happens.

Another significant barrier in Gulliver, Griffiths, & Christensen’s (2010) research is mental health literacy — young people often didn’t realize their negative emotions exceeded the normal range. Technology in the form of preventative health apps may have the capability to recognize the state of a person’s mental health, and let them know what steps to take before it becomes more serious.

3. Technology Is Accessible

Many people live an inconvenient distance from their nearest mental health professionals. Telehealth and digital health have gained traction as viable alternatives, which alleviate the difficulty of getting help in remote areas. Virtual AI mental health coaches can be reached at any time of day or night, anywhere in the world.

Online forums have also begun to thrive as places where people can rally around a similar issue. It makes community accessible when it might not otherwise be available. Young people may stand to benefit the most from these platforms — children and young adults are native to the digital landscape and more comfortable with using technology to create connections and solutions.

4. Technology Is Precise

Some technological innovations can provide much more exact and detailed analysis than a regular ol’ human. Consider fMRI machines, brain scanners, devices to measure your blood sugar level. But technology can do more than analyze physical states — it can measure and intervene in mental states. A digitally delivered mental health assessment has the potential to precisely understand an individual, particularly if the platform has the capacity to continually monitor over a long-time span, like months or years.

5. Technology Is Inclusive

Universities are beginning to record their lectures, allowing students to move through content at their own pace. This benefits students who have dyslexia or attention deficit disorder (ADD/ADHD). Recorded content can be watched at home — increasing the access for disabled students, and low socioeconomic students who may have to travel long distances or have higher work hours and miss class. 

The good news for the mental health side of things: students with mental health struggles can make their content work around their particular difficulties. This is just one example of many initiatives that are inclusive of people with mental health struggles. 

Technology has radical power to reshape the human experience, but, like the humble hammer, whether that reshaping is destructive or productive depends on how you swing it. And, remember, technology is a supplement, not a replacement for human contact. Used in the right ways, technology can break down barriers between people, and help our communities thrive. 

I was on my belly, my cheeks snug against the massage table’s doughnut pillow, my muscles getting nudged this way and that, when the gal doing the magic asked this question. 

Jean was short, shorter than me even. Round cheeks and a stocky build, conservative shoes and black clothes. Maybe fifty years old. Just minutes earlier, when I arrived at the quaint, creaky little massage studio desperate for relief both from my two toddler children and a bad case of winter cabin fever, she greeted me with a soft smile that made me want to curl up inside it and stay. 

But once the massage started, I was distressed to learn her sweet-smiling mouth could get audible. And I wasn’t counting on a massage with words.

“Where you go, you know, in your mind?” She repeated, drawing out the final word.

Stumbling, I said, “I… I don’t have a place I go. You mean like visualization?” 

“Yes, yes. You must have a place you go. A place that brings you peace.”

Jean was like what would happen if Miyagi and Yoda could somehow produce a stout, magic-fingered, middle-aged Chinese woman.

She went on to say that I was holding a lot of negative energy and, “Why you do this to yourself? Why you so stressed? This energy… it not good.” 

Unlike Yoda, Jean didn’t hide her exasperation with her student. And I couldn’t help but notice that there was a new sound: between broad sweeps of pressure across my back, her hands would pause off of my skin in what sounded like an intermission to flap them out while grunt-hissing under her breath, “Ooo. Eee. Tsss. Not good, not good at all.” I could only presume, with my head still facing the floor, that Jean was shaking out all that bad energy transmitted to her hands through me. 

I guess I was making her 55 minutes particularly difficult.

“Find a place you go. Everyone needs a place to go in their mind. Find somewhere you go.”

If it weren’t for the warm, motherly vibe Jean gave off and a deep wisdom I was pretty sure I wasn’t in the sort of shape to ignore, I would have been off-put by her unrestrained scolding, voodoo flapping, and absolute disregard for the fact that we were basically fully strangers. 

Naturally, I went back to Jean six hundred twenty-two times more. 

And here I am today using the same place I came up with the day I first met her. My place looks like this: I go to the waves. I see myself from above, lying on a bright red raft… the red contrasting against magnificent blue-green sea. It’s a gentle lull, what these waves offer. I have sunglasses on and my arms behind my neck. And not a thing on all sides of my red raft except endless water. 

I go to this place mostly when I am lying in bed at night, churning on. When no amount of eyes closed or deep breathing or pillow puffing will settle down the conveyer belt of thoughts lined up like UPS boxes in December, endless. I remember my red raft and let the waves do the rest.

What Jean never taught me was what to do with this:

One night I was particularly in bad shape: stressed, worked up, the movie of my mind on fast-forward, heart beating fast. I just could not calm down. So, in bed on my back, I plopped on my mental raft. I worked real hard to get there, nudging myself to smell the smells, see the flecks of gray in the feather coat of the seagulls flying overhead, hear the squeak of the plastic when I repositioned on my inflated surface. 

Finally, I was there. 

Within a couple seconds of finding it, though, the scene changed. Instead of my clear skies, clouds holding menacing blackness rolled in. Instead of an occasional sweet dolphin visit, creatures of another kind greeted me with their teethy, wanting presence, circling closer and closer around my flimsy flotation device. And my rocking waves disappeared, in their place white-capped intimidation, what could take a ship down. 

My fear had busted through into my safe place. Even my imagination, my own creativity, was alive with it. 

And then I remembered something that a different teacher had recently imparted, something that had been echoing in me the previous days, weeks: “Always take the position of the hero.” 

I tried manifesting this, lying there in the midst of my mind’s raging lightning storm, deep-sea enemies, and threatening water. I found myself rising from my raft, standing erect on it. Despite the pelty rain and whippy wind, I couldn’t help but notice that my wavy hair was long and bodacious, parting on either side of my fierce face. Where’d my leisure swimsuit go? Not sure. All I knew was that now I sported a metallic breastplate no shark teeth could muss up. My balance was assisted by the trident in my hand, and I’m pretty sure a couple times the lightning bolts came down to a clap on the spear’s middle point, just so I could show the sky that electricity couldn’t get me, either. 

Still with fear nipping around all the edges of my safe place, and still with my physical-bed-body tightly tense and its heart racing, I noticed — eyes closed — that my lips pursed ever so slightly. 

By golly, I was smirking at my scene. 

Just when I believed myself to be rendered defenseless, my favorite visualization tool infected, I stumbled upon a way to make my safe-place-gone-dangerous work again for me: 

I tossed in a dash of absurd. 

Heroes always do. 

Because that’s what fear does, too. 

If fear will use ridiculousness to keep me balled up shaking on my flimsy raft, my hero will use ridiculousness to stand up cloaked in movie star fairy tale cheesiness, complete with a mythological prop. 

A hero’s safe place, that which cannot be overcome, lies in her ability to turn fear on its head with a tool called wild absurdity. 

And a smirk.

Jean, I think, would be amused. If she were to put her hands on me today, I hope my muscles would tell her stories of a salty hero, a hero who shows up in most any storm with an untouchable, barely-detectable, absurd little grin. 

There aren’t many companies out there today that rely solely on individuals working independently. I’m not sure I’ve ever had a job interview didn’t ask a question along the lines of “tell me about a time when you had to work in a team.” It is almost second nature at this point to assume that you will be working on some sort of a team while on the job.

But how often do we really take a step back and think about how we work in a team?

Perpetual contrasting views. “Maybe we could get our projects out on time if these engineers actually knew anything about machining these parts! I swear all they do is sit behind their desks with their feet up and expect everything to be done perfectly. Oh, and to have it completed in 2 hours!” grumbles a shop manager.

“Why can’t the shop ever get anything right? The tolerances aren’t that hard to meet. How do they always manage to screw it up and delay every single project? No wonder we can never meet a deadline,” groans an engineer back in the office.

If I had a dollar for every variation of this exchange that I have witnessed while on the job, I would be lounging on the beach with a piña colada in hand, soaking up the sun, footsteps away from my mansion on a tropical island.

The disparity and lack of congruence between blue collar production workers working on the line and office workers perched at their desks is all too prevalent, and I think it’s time we try to change that.

We all come from different backgrounds. It’s no mystery that we each have our own story. Where we grew up, how we were raised, the formal education we received. But this should never be an excuse for how we treat others and our attitudes toward them. 

Imagine if we only associated with and respected those individuals who had the exact same background as us. Not only would that be near impossible, considering the multitude of differences that can exist between two people, but it would also be toxic for any kind of group activity, work included.

I am by no means perfect when it comes to putting myself in other people’s shoes. But trust me when I say a little bit of empathy goes a long way in the workplace. And in life! The ability to take a step back and consider that this person you’re interacting with could have had a completely different upbringing than you is something that I think we should all strive to do.

You wouldn’t want a football team will all quarterbacks. I know that everyone has heard the phrase that there’s no I in team, but I want to bring forth another analogy. 

Whether you’re hanging out at a sports bar drinking beer with your friends anxiously waiting for the fantasy draft to go live, or you’re the head coach of the New England Patriots, one thing is certain. You are not going to be successful by drafting an entire football team of quarterbacks. You need those hefty linebackers, the superstitious kickers, the deceptive running backs, the towering and agile wide receivers, and yes, someone to throw the ball, the quarterback. It is the culmination and strategic alignment of all these different skills that make a team just that, a team.

This could not hold more true in the workplace. We do ourselves a disservice by maintaining the illusion that “if they just knew what I know, if they were just like me, then we wouldn’t have any problems!” This is simply not the case. No single person knows everything, and we must rely on our colleagues to fill in the gaps. Whether that be relying on their past experience and knowledge, or working together with them to find the solution to a problem.

A company comprised of identically-skilled workers probably isn’t going to prosper very much, if at all. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of startups out there whose origins were a mere handful of like-minded, similarly educated individuals. But in the long run, as they grow in size and expectations, a diverse staff with specific areas of expertise that can bridge the gap into a successful cross functional team will always be key.

If I don’t know something, teach me. Don’t belittle me. Admittedly, this one touches me on a personal level. As a young female in mechanical engineering, a well known technical and male dominated field, I’ve taken my fair share of unpleasant remarks from coworkers. Age and gender aside, I’m sure everyone has had experiences where their competence has been called into question.

Anger, frustration, and lack of patience may lead someone to, intentionally or not, demean or degrade you for not knowing something on the job. Consider these exchanges.

Exchange 1:

Shop worker: “You’re a fancy, smart engineer, didn’t they teach you this in school?”

Engineer: “Oh whatever, just finish the job and do it right. Any monkey can turn a wrench. You could never do the job I have.”

Exchange 2:

Shop worker: “I have a question on this drawing, are you familiar with GD&T for bolt patterns?”

Engineer: “No, I’m actually not very familiar with that. I would love to learn from you if you have time today.”

Shop worker: “Absolutely, come over to the CNC and I’ll show you how the datum selection affects the layout.”

Engineer: “Great, and I’ll pull up my CAD models so you can see why I made that design decision.”

See the difference? Not only are both parties refraining from belittling each other, but they are learning from each other, too. These sorts of interactions are crucial to building respect, trust, and overall, a better team dynamic.

So where do we go from here? Teamwork in the workplace is something I constantly see being overlooked. Between sending emails, scheduling meetings, and everything in between, how we interact with one another seems to be the last thing on anyone’s mind.  

So before you even grab that cup of coffee from the break room tomorrow morning, go ahead and try to remind yourself this: a team is composed of individuals with unique skill sets all working toward a common goal. And the more we embrace our differences and recognize the value we each add, the more successful our team will be in achieving that goal.