Lisa Find Love

Codependents become overly attached — not because they love so much but because they need so much. Attachment is based upon need — need for someone to be a certain way so that you can feel okay. Although it’s painful to see a loved one being self-destructive, detachment allows us to enjoy our life despite another person’s problems and behavior. What gets in the way are codependent patterns of managing and controlling, reacting and worrying, and obsessing. 

Attachment and caring are normal. It’s healthy to get attached to someone in our family or with whom we’re intimate, but codependent attachment cause us pain and problems in relationships. We can become over-involved. The antidote is to detach and let go. 

What is detaching?

Detachment implies neutrality. Detaching is a way of separating the unhealthy emotional glue that keeps us fused in a codependent relationship. 

What Detaching Isn’t

It doesn’t mean physical withdrawal. Nor is detaching emotional withdrawal, such as being aloof, disinterested, emotionally shut down, or ignoring someone. 

Detaching doesn’t mean neglecting family responsibilities or leaving someone. Although physical space or separation may be useful as a means of setting boundaries and centering ourselves, this is not what detaching means. For example, some people decide to not have contact with someone, because the relationship is too painful.

Physical proximity is irrelevant. In fact, some divorced couples are more emotionally attached and reactive to one another than most married couples. Someone living far away can push our buttons in a phone call. We might dwell on the conversation for days — or we dwell on the fact that there wasn’t a phone call! Detaching is about refocusing and taking charge of ourselves.

Key Ingredients of Detaching

It involves letting go of our expectations and entanglements with other peoples’ problems and affairs. We stop reacting to things they say and do and obsessing and worrying about things. We take control of our feelings and thoughts, and mind our own business. It doesn’t take away our feelings and concern, but channels them in a healthy manner. In practice, it’s more compassionate and loving than codependent attachment.

Detaching involves four key concepts:

1. Having appropriate boundaries
2. Accepting reality
3. Being in the present, not the past or future
4. Taking responsibility for our feelings and needs

Detaching is letting go with love.

When first learning to detach, people often turn off their feelings or use walls of silence to refrain from codependent behavior, but with persistence, understanding, and compassion, they’re able to let go with love. Gradually, rather than be invested in changing or controlling others, we can be compassionate and encourage them. We have no need to argue or persuade others, but instead are curious of differing points of view. This shows respect and honors boundaries and separateness.

Rather than manipulate people to be like us, we risk being authentic. For example, we can say, “I feel sad when I see you depressed.” Instead of trying to change someone’s need for space or silence, we enjoy our time alone or with someone else. This may sound impossible, but the pay-off is rewarding. 

Are You Over-Involved?

When we worry, it’s a sign that we’re attached to a certain outcome. When we’re frustrated with someone, it’s because we’re attached to them being different from who they are and accepting their flaws. When we’re giving unsolicited advice, we’re crossing a boundary and assuming a superior position. We all do this sometimes, but codependents do it excessively. Instead of two people with separate minds and independent feelings, the boundaries are blurred. Does this apply to you? 

1. Do your moods and happiness depend on someone else?
2. Do you have strong emotional reactions to someone’s opinions, thoughts, feelings, and judgments?
3. Do you spend time worrying and thinking about someone else’s problems?
4. You analyze someone’s motives or feelings?
5. Do you think about what someone else is doing, not doing, thinking, or feeling?
6. Do you neglect your career, hobbies, activities, or friends due to a relationship?
7. Do you drop other activities if someone else won’t join you or disapproves?
8. Do you please someone because you’re afraid of rejection?
9. Do you become anxious doing things alone?

When we’re over-involved, we’re myopic. Others become extensions of us. We try to control their opinions, feelings, and actions to get what we need and feel okay. We try to manage them to avoid witnessing their suffering. We try to impress and please them. We try to persuade them to agree with us or do what we want. Then, we react with hurt or anger when they want won’t. If you relate, learn why detaching is helpful. 

Benefits of Detaching

Letting go reaps us profound benefits, not only in the relationship, but in personal growth, inner peace, and all areas of our life.

• We learn to love.
• We gain peace, freedom, and power.
• We gain time for ourselves.
• We become more resilient to loss.
• We learn independence and self-responsibility.
• We encourage that in others.

We’re responsible for our thoughts, feelings, actions, and the consequences of those actions. Other people are responsible for theirs. Cheering someone up occasionally or giving him or her more attention is not codependent. A benefit of a good marriage is that spouses nurture one another when one is troubled, but it’s supportive, not codependent caretaking, and it’s reciprocal. 

In contrast, when we consistently try to change others’ moods or solve their problems, we’re becoming their caretaker based upon the erroneous belief that we can control what’s causing their pain. We’re assuming responsibilities that are theirs, not ours. Sometimes codependent couples unconsciously agree that one spouse has the obligation to make the other happy. That is an impossible task and leads to mutual unhappiness, anger, and resentment. The cheerleader is always failing and frustrated, and the recipient feels shame and resentment. Whatever we try won’t be quite right or enough.

How to Detach?

Detaching starts with understanding, but it takes time for the heart to really accept that ultimately we’re powerless over others and that our efforts to change someone are unhelpful and possibly detrimental to us, the other person, and the relationship. Take these steps to practice detaching:

1. Ask yourself if you’re in reality or denial.
2. Examine whether your expectations of the other person reasonable.
3. Honestly examine your motivations. Are they self-serving?
4. Practice allowing and accepting reality in all aspects of your life. 
5. Allow your feelings.
6. Practice meditation to be more attached and less reactive.
7. Practice compassion for the other person.
8. Be authentic. Make “I” statements about your genuine feelings rather than offer advice.
9. Practice the tools for detaching in the “14 Tips for Letting Go” on my website.
10. Attend Al-Anon or CoDA meetings. 

If you answered “yes” to several of the above questions, consider learning more about detaching and get support. Detaching can be very difficult to do on your own.

©Darlene Lancer 2020

Adapted from Codependency for Dummies, 2nd Ed. (2015) by John Wiley & Sons

The following is an excerpt from the book Fizzle: The Hidden Forces Crushing Your Creativity by Anthony D. Fredericks (Blue River Press, 2020).

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who divide everything into two groups, and those who don’t.” – Kenneth Boulding, Economist

In any discussion of creativity, there is one persistent myth that refuses to go away. In fact, it is so ingrained in our collective consciousness, that it is blindly accepted as concrete proof that most of us are permanently confined to a non-creative existence. And, that is a deep-seated belief that some of us are born creative and others are endowed with a set of genes that mitigates against any sort of creative output. A few folks were gifted with creativity; the rest of us — not so much!

Truth be told, creativity is not something that is genetically determined. It is not something you inherit from your parents nor is it some “special gene” that your great-great-grandfather from Italy passed down to you. Creativity is NOT some kind of Las Vegas magic trick, ancient Egyptian secret, or long-ago Norse legend. Nope! Quite simply, creativity is an inherent and natural sequence of actions leading to the production of dynamic ideas.  Most of us are creative souls early in our lives and it is our upbringing, schooling and work environment that often determine the degree of comfort we have with matters creative. What we have experienced (in formalized settings) frequently determines what we can create. Creativity is never a matter of chance or genetics; it is always a matter of incubation.

However, the psychological reality is that, as humans, we have an overwhelming tendency to compare ourselves to others. When we are at a social function we compare our clothing to those worn by others (“See that woman? I’m sure she doesn’t shop at the same stores I do!”). In a work environment, we wonder how much someone makes if they are engaged in the same job or position as us (“How come Janice drives a BMW? She’s doing the same job I am.”). In your neighborhood, you may compare your lawn to that of your neighbor’s (“Hey, look at Jake’s lawn. It doesn’t even begin to compare with mine.”).

By the same token, when it comes to matters creative, we frequently compare ourselves to creative giants – those individuals who are celebrated for their creative discoveries, inventions, or contributions: Georgia O’Keefe and her majestic and iconic paintings, John Steinbeck and his quintessential, yet down-to-earth, novels, Steven Spielberg and his prototypical movies, the “get up and dance” songs of Elton John, Jane Goodall and her groundbreaking studies of primates, and the overwhelming gracefulness of ballet dancer Misty Copeland are all ceremoniously raised upon a pedestal of creative expression and creative thinking that few can ever hope to achieve.  Those folks are icons, celebrities, idols, and modern-day gods. We’ll never rise to their level; we’ll never achieve their creative greatness. They are a different breed, in a different universe, and products of a different gene pool. “They are the creative people” and “I am not creative” thus become two clearly defined groups. If we don’t belong in the first, then it stands to reason that we must certainly belong to the other.

The unfortunate consequence of this mindset is that we significantly diminish our individual creative ability. By casting people into two distinct (and highly unequal) categories, we have a propensity to assign ourselves to the “lower” of the two groups. If we like to draw, we may compare ourselves to Picasso and convince ourselves that, “I’ll never be as creative as he was.” If we are freelance writers, we may tell ourselves, “Well, I guess I’m never going to be as creative as Steven King.” If we are in the business world, we may bemoan the fact that, “I’m certainly no Steve Jobs…and probably never will be.”

Our mantra often becomes, “If (Picasso, Steven King, Steve Jobs) are creative, then I am not!”

We frequently put those “famous creatives” on an altar that we can never ascend. We tend to see ourselves in their shadow; celebrating their works, but never attaining their glory. Often, it looks as though creativity is so far away — a concept honored, but infrequently (if ever) personally attained. And that opens a door, a door that allows fear, insecurity, and negative self-judgement to enter. We begin to believe that we will seldom generate new and innovative ideas, that any ideas that we do spawn will wither and die when presented to our colleagues and friends, and that we are burdened with a significant disability that will internally quash any creative endeavors for all of our lives.

Part of this enormous myth is based on the reality that we are a dichotomous society (Are you: a Republican or a Democrat, short or tall, young or old, urbanite or suburbanite, female or male, blond or brunette, gay or straight?) ,  But, by the same token, the myth is also supported by the belief that creativity is mutually exclusive. It’s a province of a few, but unavailable to the many. To extend this concept even further, there are some who believe that the words “creativity” and “creative” should only be used when referring to inventions and ideas that are totally new to the world (e.g. the discovery of penicillin, manned landing on the moon, the invention of GPS). That thought, as you might imagine, further cements the comparison myth in our consciousness – so much so, that it becomes a self-defeating prophecy.

There’s another force at work here. Sometimes, we are nudged into the “I’m not creative” group by forces that are often subtle and seemingly beyond our control. These “forces” frequently surface in many of the (50,000) books and (four million +) articles on creativity. And that is the tendency of many authors to systematically edge us into either the “I’m not creative” group or “I am creative” group through the use of linguistic manipulations.

In my research for Fizzle: The Hidden Forces Crushing Your Creativity, I encountered numerous books and articles that used language such as the following: “Creative people are individuals like Leonardo, Edison, Picasso, or Einstein [who] have changed our culture in some important respect,” “Creative people are the ones who get ahead in their jobs, start new businesses, invent products, …paint pictures, and make things of beauty.” and “…creative people need to know a lot about a little and a little about a lot.”  Go back and re-read each statement and you’ll note a disconcerting term in each one: “Creative people.” In using that designation, each author has quietly and subtly injected the idea that there are, indeed, two groups of people on the planet — the creative class and the non-creative class. That is to say, we either identify with one group or the other.

Many of those same authors go on to expound on all the qualities, dynamics, and features — often in glowing terms — of those folks who are part of the “I’m a creative person” group. The appellations and compliments are rampant and it is clear that this is a singularly unique group inhabited by individuals who not only get a lot of press, but who have skills that the rest of us could never aspire to. In reading about these intellectual “Masters of the Universe,” we often, by default, create and assign ourselves to that “other group,” knowing that we lack comparative abilities or a similar intellect. Yet, a bank of psychological research has demonstrated that creativity is not the province of a few, but rather the possibility of all. So, be careful what you read; someone may be grouping you without your knowledge… or consent.

“One of the myths of creativity is that very few people are really creative. The truth is that everyone has great capacities, but not everyone develops them.” – Sir Ken Robinson

Anxiety and agoraphobia are two of the most searched for terms related to mental health in the UK. On average the two terms are searched for 122,000 times a month on Google suggesting a large need for help with this area. Agoraphobia is typically found in up to 3% of the population. Mainly people aged 20-30 with it being twice as prevalent in women. But anyone can suffer from this regardless of age, sex or gender.

Under the 5th edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, agoraphobia is defined as a condition where individuals have a disproportionate fear of public places. People often see environments as too crowded, too open and too dangerous. These judgments are usually about a fear of becoming ill or hurt, or a fear of public scrutiny or embarrassment like falling over and being made fun of. Agoraphobia is classified as an anxiety disorder and is often seen as symptoms of panic and distress which interferes with someone’s day to day living. As a result, people become isolated, end up needing to rely on others too much and stop leaving the house.

People often ask about the why. Why is this happening? Why me? What causes this? In essence there is not a single cause of agoraphobia as it has been linked to chemical or hormonal imbalances in the brain and body, certain personality types particularly in people who need significant amounts of control or approval, it can be learned from role models who display excessive control or fear themselves. In addition to this there are other causes such as a lack of spatial awareness or experiencing trauma. But regardless of the cause there are ways of working with and overcoming agoraphobia.

On the one hand, some people benefit from using medication such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) to help their mood and lessen their anxiety. Beta-blockers have also been found to be useful by lowering the heart rate to help manage some of the physical symptoms that cause a cycle of panic. In addition to this anxiolytic medication sometimes in the form of benzodiazepines can reduce anxiety. There are, however, other ways of overcoming agoraphobia in the form of self-help and cognitive behavioral therapy. 

First it is important to look at why the agoraphobia is continuing. This could be because of physical feelings you have when people get anxious like hyperventilating, sweating, shaking or heart racing. This could also be thoughts and worries like “I am going to be hit by a car” or “I’m not going to be able to breathe and die.” Or it could be maintained by behavior. We try and avoid the thing that is making us anxious. The elements are not only symptoms of agoraphobia but also what specifically keeps it going.

To overcome agoraphobia the main part of treatment is exposure in which studies have shown between 60-70% of people make an improvement. Gradually facing the fear going up in very small steps until the anxiety goes away. Anxiety often increases at the point of a trigger, but over time it will naturally fall as we become used to the situation and as our hormones change once we see the threat has lessened. It sounds incredibly difficult, but most of us have done it at some point. We can think of this like learning to drive a car. At the beginning it is very scary and so we start at a quiet time of the day on quiet roads with someone who can also control the car if need be. Then we slowly build up to more busier times, more difficult maneuvers and eventually get to the point where we drive without another person there. This is one of the benefits of why we have driving lessons for only an hour but repeat it multiple times to increase our confidence.

The golden rules of exposure are:

• Graded: Starting small with tasks that are easier and then building them up in difficulty and time.
• Repeated: We have to repeat exposure multiple times before we can move to the next step.
• Prolonged: We have to stay in that situation long enough for the anxiety to drop down to half of what it was. This can take up to 60 minutes.

It is useful to think of therapy in this way: right now, you are getting short-term relief by escaping and avoiding what makes you anxious, but this is not a long-term solution. Exposure therapy will provoke short-term anxiety but lasting relief.

To be important and meaningful to you it is useful to almost create a ladder of at least ten things going from easiest to hardest. The difficulty can increase in your individual way whether that is the length of time, the particular place or whether you start to go by yourself and not with someone escorting you.

Now, it is all well and good suggesting that you go and expose yourself to the difficulties you’ve been facing for what I imagine is a long time. But how do you cope whilst you are doing it? One way is to take with you a few statements that challenge your thoughts. Examples of this might be “I feel anxious, but it cannot hurt me.” Or “these feelings will pass.” Another way to deal with it might be to utilize different types of mindfulness and focus on your breathing or 5 senses while attempting to do your task of going out. 

If at any point in your journey up the steps you get stuck, it may be because the gap between the two steps is too great and a middle point needs to be put in to help you move forward. It is also not uncommon to get past the avoidance but still have the thoughts associated with this. Over time these thoughts will reduce as you get more and more used to going out. 

For me, the most important day of the month is when I go to the veteran’s hospital where I get my medication. I wake up before 8am to make sure I get a parking spot. I immediately go to the blood lab where I get blood work done to ensure that I am not experiencing any adverse reactions to my medication. After my blood has been taken, I go to my appointment with my doctor.

This would be a normal schedule for me. When things do not go as planned, an interruption in the routine can create stress. Stress can be a trigger for my schizophrenia. I take deep breathes and deal with other triggers like needing a cup of coffee or something to eat from being hungry. After a large cup of coffee, I go to the mental health waiting room where I wait to see my doctor.  

The appointment can vary depending on whether or not I am experiencing symptoms. When I get in to see my doctor, she always begins by asking me if I might be a danger to myself or someone else. Also she asks if I am experiencing symptoms. After seeing my doctor, I get my monthly injectable and pick up any other prescriptions.

This is as smooth as a trip to the veteran’s hospital can go. Typically, I would be leaving around 10:00am in the morning — on my way home to wait for another month to pass, and then I repeat the process all over again.

However, many things can happen to disrupt what should be an ordinary day to see my doctor and pick up my medication. It’s quite possible there could be a traffic problem, and either I or my doctor are late for some reason. Impatience doesn’t help anyone, and complaining to the receptionist that my time matters doesn’t quicken the process. I tell myself that doctors have lives outside their job at the veteran’s hospital, so of course, they are late sometimes. I have found that the more patience and understanding I can show, the better my chances for getting the help I need.

I think about my life, and getting my medication is the most important thing I have to do. For the most part, I have no plans for the rest of the day, so being irritable will not speed things up. Recently my doctor was late; she usually comes in around 9:00am. when I first saw my doctor, I asked her if she was okay. She assured me that she was, and I could see her relax.

Sometimes my doctor forgets to tell the blood lab that I am coming. Upon learning this, I have to go back to the mental health waiting room and wait for my doctor, so she can give the order. The doctor places the order for the blood work, and I go back to the blood lab to get my blood work. Even though interruptions occur, I can’t just walk away or give up. The alternative to giving up and leaving would create more stress because I would not get my medication.  

Once the veteran’s hospital ran out of my medications, and I knew that I only had a few days of meds left at home. This was extremely stressful for me since I know I cannot go without my medication. Realizing that freaking out wouldn’t be constructive and would probably put me in the psyche ward on Christmas, I sat down and got something to drink. The pharmacist was willing to send the rest of my medication in the mail to my home, but I realized I would not be home, but with my parents. However, the medicine could be delivered in the mail in one day to my parent’s home. I learned that even during a break in the routine, other answers can be found.  

Problems can be solved. Sometimes I need to sit in a quiet place with no distractions to think through an issue. I’ve learned that it is okay to ask for advice from your doctor or pharmacist. They are there to help me.

I try not to take interruptions personally. Sometimes with my paranoia I think people are conspiring against me, but if I take a deep breath and remind myself that my doctor and pharmacist are there to help me and not to hurt me, I feel less stress.

Even though I am in recovery I still need to ask for help occasionally. Events in life, like medication changes or dosage changes, can stress me out and my feelings about these changes can fluctuate. However, I know I can trust the professionals on my treatment team to know when it is time to regulate my meds. 

Change is certain in life — even small changes — and my emotions can go up and down because I have a mental health diagnosis. Not giving up when my schedule gets interrupted and not being afraid to ask for help are teaching me that my problems can be solved and work through.

While working as a family therapist with kinship families, also known as grandparents raising their grandchildren, I came across families who were struggling with the ability to rebuild broken trust.

Raising your grandchild (or another relative) brings with it attachment challenges you may not have faced when you raised your biological children. By “attachment” I am referring to the safety and comfort that develops, over time between a child and caregiver. For example, the bond between you and your children probably grew organically, beginning in utero, and continued to develop from the first day of their life. As you met your children’s needs for love, food, and protection on a consistent basis, they learned to feel safe in your care. It eventually evolved into the relationship you have today. But if you are suddenly raising your grandchild, you will not have time to recreate the natural bonding experience. 

In addition to this, your grandchild/relative, most likely, experienced several Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE’s), and this can be an obstacle when trying to create a healthy bond with a child. If your grandchild was abused or neglected, he/she will have difficulty feeling safe with any adult, including you. You may also be going through your own feelings of loss and grief, as life as you knew it has drastically changed. But there is good news, you can increase trust and attachment between you and the child with the following bonding activities. It helps to remember that this is a long process, be patient with yourself and the child, don’t expect for bonding to happen quickly.

Because you are family members, you might assume you know the child better than you do. You might expect the child to be warm and friendly towards you automatically. However, removing a child from their immediate family causes a break in the attachment to their primary caregivers and can be experienced as a traumatic event. This loss of attachment is compounded by the loss of the child’s home, neighborhood, school, and friends. These multiple losses can make it difficult to bond to new caretakers, including family members to which they are already familiar. From here, behavioral problems can escalate.

To solve this problem, we need to get to the source of the pain — the loss of significant attachment figures and ACE’s. Biological parents are typically the primary attachment figures for children. If Mom and Dad are in and out of their lives, unreliable, unstable, or unavailable, a child can experience considerable symptoms of trauma, grief and longing for their biological parents. Because of this, it is helpful to participate in bonding activities with your grandchild or relative in your care so they can recreate the attachment process with a healthy adult. Even though raising your grandchild may be temporary, it is still beneficial to participate in bonding activities to increase trust.

Six Types of Bonding to Increase Attachment:

Emotional – Provide empathy; put yourself in their shoes. Validate their feelings and experiences; tell them it is o.k. to be sad/scared/angry. Acknowledge their pain, don’t shy away from it. Let them cry as much as they need to.Talk with them about their feelings and explain coping techniques. Learn how to help the children cope. Be curious about their inner world. Provide empathy for their experiences. Prepare the child for every day transitions such as going to school, going to the doctor, visiting with birth family. Pay attention and prepare them for anything they may perceive as a loss such as moving from one teacher to a new teacher, or changing babysitters/daycare facilities. The child may be attached to these professionals and others. You may see an increase in negative behavior during this time, and this is reasonable.  

Intellectual – Read books together, teach children about nature and academics. Watch educational shows together. Answer questions about the world. Teach developmental skills like tying shoelaces, brushing teeth, riding a bike. For older kids you can teach them about friendship, communication, honesty, and the value of money.  

Physical – Respect the child’s personal space. Ask a child for permission before engaging in physical bonding activities. Pay attention to cues from the child as to whether or not they are comfortable with physical bonding. Respect their boundaries and do not force them to participate if they do not want to. Show respect to a child’s body by telling them what you will be doing. For example, with young babies say, “I’m going to pick you up now,” or “My hands are cold, and they might feel uncomfortable on your skin.” Preparing the child for what will take place can help to increase trust. Show affection, hold, rock, hug, massage, swim together, and comb their hair if they are willing. These are all examples of physical bonding activities. 

Cultural – Be curious about the child’s culture and history and how it impacts their life. Talk with the child about their family of origin in a positive way. Teach the child about their cultural background if they feel identified with it. Incorporate their traditions into your new family if they are different from yours. Educate and prepare the child ahead of time for your family rituals, even if it seems obvious to you. Discuss how culture affects your belief system.

Relational – Be open and honest with the child as much as possible in age-appropriate terms. Support the relationships they have with others outside of your family. For example, previous foster families, or family members they are still in touch with, friends from other schools, siblings in different homes. If possible, be supportive of their decision whether or not to communicate with their birth family. Do not speak negatively about the child’s birth family. Try to find positive statements to make or stay neutral. 

Spiritual – Be interested and supportive of their religious and spiritual beliefs, even if they differ from yours. Pray together, attend church, meditate. Be curious about their spirituality and how it affects their decision-making process. Share your spiritual practices with the child. Let them know it’s okay if they have different beliefs than you do. Allow and encourage them to continue their spiritual growth; how they see fit.

Play – If you are raising a young child, get on the floor and play with them. Sit back and observe them playing before engaging in their play. Stay positive and do not criticize or try to influence the child’s choice for play. This will help the child feel seen and heard. Pretend play is one way a child exposed to trauma can safely express their emotions. Provide the child with opportunities for pretend play with dolls and figurines. Encourage them to act out any upsetting events they have been through.

For older kids, you can play with them by attending their sporting events, doing puzzles, board games, riding a bike, kicking the ball around at the park. During this time together they may open up and share their emotions with you. Although it may be painful for you to hear, ignore the impulse to take the pain away. Let them feel and express it, this will increase attachment, and help them heal.  

This list is not exhaustive; there are many more ways to bond with the child in your care. Pay attention to what the child enjoys to find more opportunities to connect.

*Always remember, bonding and attachment is a process that needs time, care, and consideration for what the child experienced. Do not expect to have a bonded relationship with the child right away. Often children are removed from their birth parents due to abuse and neglect. Violations like this can make it difficult to trust adults. Put your expectations aside and consider things from their perspective. I wish you a peaceful Grandfamily journey!

The following is an excerpt from the book Death Is But a Dream: Finding Hope and Meaning at Life’s End by Christopher Kerr, MD, PhD and Carine Mardorossian, PhD. (Avery, 2020)

The making of a doctor is a process with a beginning, middle, and no end. Student doctors leave the halls of medical school with vast amounts of information and knowledge that they will eagerly dispense to their patients. When they arrive at the hospital for the next phase of their apprenticeship, they have learned about disease and have yet to learn about illness: the former occurs in organs; the latter in people. The last and most important phase of their training will be lifelong. This is when the patient teaches them, and they are hopefully ready to listen and humble enough to hear. This is when they learn that sometimes the best way to treat a failing human heart is to set the stethoscope aside and ask about what matters to the patient, rather than just what is the matter with them. And one day, just when they think they have mastered the science of medicine, they will meet a patient who will summon them to tend to the soul. This moment will hold a lesson in empathy these doctors will never forget, the first of many through which they will find the true richness of the calling. The patient who first guided me through that moment was Mary.

Mary was a 70-year-old artist and mother of four, and one of my first patients at Hospice Buffalo. I once visited her room when her “whole gang,” as she called them, was gathered around her sharing a bottle of wine. It was a low-key family affair, with Mary appearing to enjoy the company of her brood, even as she drifted in and out of alertness. Then something odd happened. With no prompting whatsoever, Mary started to cuddle a baby only she could see. Sitting up in her hospital bed, it was as if she’d lost touch with the here and now and was acting out a scene from a play, kissing this imaginary baby in her arms, cooing to him, stroking his head, and calling him Danny. Even more striking, this incomprehensible moment of maternal connection seemed to have put her in a state of bliss. Her kids all looked at me, uttering variations of “What’s happening? Is she hallucinating? This is a drug reaction, right?”

I may not have been able to explain what was happening or why, but I did understand that the only appropriate response at that moment was to refrain from intervening medically in anyway. There was no pain to alleviate, no medical concern to address. What I saw was a human being experiencing an unseen yet tangible love, all beyond my medical understanding and reach.

I was observing firsthand the undeniable state of comfort and ease with which she was approaching the end of her life’s journey. Refuting this was no more an option than explaining it.

I watched in awe, as did her grown children. After their initial outburst, they were overcome with emotion, no small part of which was due to their relief at seeing their mother’s serenity. She did not need them to intervene, any more than she needed me to make a decision or say anything that could or would alter the course of her last moments. Mary was tapping into an inner resource none of us knew she had. The feeling of gratitude and peace that overtook us was like no other.

The next day, Mary’s sister came in from out of town and unraveled the mystery. Long before any of Mary’s four children came into the world, she had given birth to a stillborn baby she had named Danny. She was overcome with grief after losing the baby, but she’d never spoken of it, which is why none of her surviving offspring even knew about him. Yet in this moment, with death waiting in the wings, the experience of new life had returned to Mary in a manner that clearly provided warmth and love, and maybe even some small compensation for her loss. At death’s door, she was revisiting her past trauma as a wrong redressed. She had reached a palpable level of acceptance and even looked like a younger version of herself. Mary’s physical ills couldn’t be cured, but it appeared that her spiritual wounds were being tended to. Not long after this remarkable episode, Mary died peacefully, but not before transforming what I understood “dying peacefully” to mean. There was something intrinsic to Mary’s dying process that was not only therapeutic but that also unfolded independently of the ministrations of her caretakers, including her doctor.

Childhood can be the sweetest of times, especially when enriched by loving family and friends and strong support systems. However, even with the best circumstances, children rarely come out unscathed, particularly in cultures which perpetuate an incessant need for acceptance offset by impossibly high expectations. While caring parents aim to guide their children through life and the emotional roller-coasters that ensue, well-meaning advice is often misconstrued or entirely ignored.

For example, the last thing an adolescent wants to hear is a comment about their body, even if the intentions are good. The majority of kids are well aware of what their bodies look like physically, even if they aren’t nearly as mindful of how their behaviors come across to others. I remember cringing whenever I was once told, “You kids care so much about what your friends think of you.” I didn’t think grown-ups had a clue about my life, and I immediately dismissed what they said as “old folk” blabber.

Yet time can furnish us with perspective and a few years ago I saw a group of teenagers dressed up for their school’s formal dance, parading around town in their fancy attire. The young ladies, giggling nervously; the young men, galumphing behind them. I could now see them through the lens of an “old folk” and it was painfully transparent to watch how much validation they sought for every word or gesture they made.

Yet, beyond their bumbling, there was one thing that stood out far more than their flagrant awkwardness. Not one of these youth stood tall. It was almost as though they were deliberately trying to shrink themselves to appear smaller and less visible. While the obvious reason would be their blistering insecurity, there were several other culprits at work.

First and foremost, kids today have not adopted the same inclination towards physical activity as their predecessors from 20 years ago. According to an article from the Journal of Pediatric Health Care, “Many people assume that children are naturally active and participate readily in physical activities that lead to and help them maintain high levels of fitness during their early years. However, society has changed to encourage a more sedentary lifestyle. Children’s activity levels decline through the teenage years, with girls being less active than boys. Today there is a greater availability of sedentary pursuits that can lure children away from physical activities.”

If the body is already used to slumping over for extensive periods of time throughout the day, why wouldn’t that posture also transfer to standing and walking? In contrast to my generation that spent hours walking and talking with friends around the neighborhood, today’s youth can talk to all of their friends  —  at once  — on different social media platforms, without even having to get out of their chair. And with over half of their waking hours being spent in sedentary behaviors, screen time doesn’t stop once the lights go out.

A 2010 Pew study found that more than 4 in 5 teens with cell phones sleep with the phone on or near the bed and according to researchers from JFK Medical Center, teens send an average of 34 texts a night after going to bed. The latter study found that half of the kids kept awake by electronic media suffered from a host of mood and cognitive problems, including attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety, depression and learning difficulties.

This is further compounded by a recent study by Dr. Erik Peper which found that it was significantly easier to recall/access negative memories in the collapsed position than in the erect position and it was easier to recall/access positive images in the erect position than in the collapsed position.

With all of this research, is it any wonder why adolescents might look awkward and not be in the best mood? Of course not. A common misconception of poor posture among children is attributed to growing pains, or insecurity. In reality, lifestyle choices are a much bigger influence on postural health. How can anyone stand tall or radiate a zest for life when they’re spending most of their lives sitting hunched over?

What can we do to help them? What can we say to a child or teen the next time we see them slouching in their chair, or walking slumped over as they’re looking down at their phone? The most important bit of advice I can give you, is NOT to tell them to sit or stand up straight. The reason is because commanding them to “Sit up straight!” is not a solution and will only be heard as criticism. What is more, it will only do the following things:

1. Alienate you (remember you’re now part of the “old folk” club).
2. Annoy them because they already feel awkward and insecure and pointing out how they look awkward and insecure won’t make them feel any better or serve as a motivation (again, refer to #1).
3. Cause them to misunderstand the importance of good posture and only associate it with something that ‘old people’ told them to do (and consequently counteract your intention).
4. Not improve their posture.

Some of you may remember being told to “Sit up Straight” as a child. Most people can even remember the person that told them to do so and the way they said it. In fact, whenever anyone hears that I’m an Alexander Technique teacher and that I educate on psycho-physical health, the minute I mention the word, “posture” it’s an instant trigger that leads to arched backs, trying to illustrate the “sitting up straight” position they were instructed to perform in their youth.

The problem with the notion of “straight” is that it isn’t possible. Our spine has a natural curvature. Forcing it into what is thought of as a “straight” position is actually just inflicting tension on the back and compelling it to arch and overextend backwards. This causes tightening and contracting, leading to shortening of the spine. This is the opposite of lengthening, which is what makes our backs appear tall. Additionally, this attempt to “sit up straight” throws the body into disarray as it forces our chest up, shoulders back, head back and down, jaw tight and back tense. We tighten, compress, and shrink; this is the opposite of good posture.

Trying to over-correct a hunched back with an arched back is not the solution. Instead, we want to introduce freedom from tension in our bodies. Instead of “straight”, think “up.” Think of the head going up like a balloon, and as it lifts up, it creates space within the body. Finding space and freedom in activity is the message we want to send our children. They are already inundated with a plethora of societal pressures, their young bodies deserve to be free of tension.

The first thing we can start by doing for our children, is modeling desired behavior and posture. If you think your child has poor posture, take a look at yourself as you are sitting in a chair. You can’t tell your child to sit up straight, if you are sitting hunched over while you eat, work, or peruse your phone. Next, discuss posture from a scientific standpoint rather than a social one. Look at anatomy books and illustrations of the skeletal system. Compare them with pictures or images of people and ask your child to identify the differences. Familiarize yourself and your children with the term “body mapping”, so that you can all understand how the body fits together.

There are a myriad of illnesses associated with a sedentary lifestyle. Instead of sounding like an ‘old person’ and attributing posture to a way of sitting or standing, regard it as a matter of health. Poor posture doesn’t happen over night. It is the accumulation of lifelong habits. It cannot be corrected by simply “sitting up straight.” The first step towards improving posture is the recognition of harmful habits that interfere with the body’s optimal functioning.

There are a variety of bodywork specialists who can educate you and your family about mindful ways to approach musculoskeletal health. Research different modalities of body education practices and find one that aligns with your needs.

Identifying undesired habits early on is key to stopping those behaviors and replacing them with better choices. Good body habits not only improve posture, but also our relationship with ourselves and others. Finding ways to communicate with our kids which aren’t laden with criticism and “shoulds” can make communication more effective and also promote health and well-being in the process.

References:

DeMarco, T., & Sidney, K. (1989). Enhancing children’s participation in physical activity. Journal of School Health, 59(8), 337-340.

Lenhart, A., Ling, R., Campbell, S., & Purcell, K. (2010). Teens and mobile phones: Text messaging explodes as teens embrace it as the centerpiece of their communication strategies with friends. Pew Internet & American Life Project.

Matthews, C. E., Chen, K. Y., Freedson, P. S., Buchowski, M. S., Beech, B. M., Pate, R. R., & Troiano, R. P. (2008). Amount of time spent in sedentary behaviors in the United States, 2003–2004. American journal of epidemiology, 167(7), 875-881.

McWhorter, J. W., Wallmann, H. W., & Alpert, P. T. (2003). The obese child: Motivation as a tool for exercise. Journal of Pediatric Health Care, 17(1), 11-17.

Peper, E., Lin, I. M., Harvey, R., & Perez, J. (2017). How posture affects memory recall and mood. Biofeedback, 45(2), 36-41.

When horses pull a carriage, sometimes they are wearing blinders over their eyes so they cannot look to the right or left. They can only look forward without any distractions coming into their view. This is a good picture of how I approach my life in recovery from schizophrenia. Metaphorically speaking, putting on blinders each day is a way I have learned to cope with my diagnosis of schizophrenia. 

Every month I go to a veteran’s hospital to get blood work for my medication and to get my monthly injectable. On the drive there, I am the only one in the car so if I hear a voice, I block it out because the doors are locked, windows are up, and I know I am the only one in the car.  If I see a shadowy figure appear beside me, I might look again to be sure there is no one there. Just as a horse wearing blinders looks straight ahead to the path before him, I try not to be distracted while I am driving.

My first stop at the hospital is the blood lab. Waiting in line I often hear other veterans saying something like,” Hurry up and wait,” meaning they hurry to get to the hospital, but then they have to wait in line. If a vet appears to be talking to me, I concentrate on looking at his lips. If his lips are closed, then I could be imagining they are talking directly to me. If their lips are moving and they are talking, and I see that their eyes are showing some interest in what I have to say, then I engage in conversation with them.   I concentrate on giving my full attention to the veteran.  

An old delusion that I have is that I have special powers or ESP. Sometimes I hear someone saying they are interested in my special powers, thinking they could make a lot of money by using my special powers. It seems like they are speaking to me through telepathy or making eye contact with me. Their moving lips are blurred. I realize it is not going on. This is the unreality. I consider myself high functioning, but I still hallucinate. I still have impulses, and I still hear voices. By examining the evidence around me, I do my best to ignore unreality. I look straight ahead concentrating on something ahead of me.  

Stress, hunger, fatigue, and sometimes over stimulation can cause me to experience symptoms. If the voices are making things hectic in my head, I try to determine what might have triggered this symptom. Am I stressed about something? Have I eaten in the last few hours? Did I get enough sleep? Asking myself these questions helps to get me focused on reality again. When I am at the veterans hospital, I am usually tired because I have to get up so early. After the blood lab, I usually get a cup a coffee and a muffin, and I do my best to ease into the rest of my day. With my blinders on I know I am there for my medication, and I want to make that my focus.

Finally, after I receive my medication and talk to my doctors, I am ready to head home. I have accomplished my task.

At home, it is just me. Recently, some renovations have been going on in my building. I hear hammering and sometimes beating on the walls. Sometimes my apartment shakes a little. I ignore it. It has nothing to do with me. Concentrating on what is going on around me can be comforting because I know this is not a delusion. In any given hour, I can hear doors shut, and people going up and down steps. This is real. This is happening, but it has nothing to do with me. I don’t have to react to any of it.

In the early evening, I go to kickboxing which is a release from all the annoying delusions, hallucinations, and impulses. I know that those symptoms aren’t real, but I still have to deal with them. Exercise can clear my head of all that is in the unreality. I am not at kickboxing to actually get into a ring and fight anyone. I go for the exercise, and I concentrate on listening to the call outs from the instructor. I wish I could tell you that I don’t experience delusions and symptoms while I am at my kickboxing class, but it is a strenuous workout which creates stress. A car’s headlights may shine in the window of our class, and I think someone is trying to get my attention. Sometimes I think the instructor is telling me through telepathy that I can be a professional kick boxer. I think he likes the fact that I lose myself on the bag and get into a zone where no one but the instructor can talk to me through telepathy. I try to release all of my symptoms and impulses on the bag. I still might hear voices, but they are just blurred lips and mouths, so I know it not actually going on. It helps to beat the bag. It helps to block everything out on the bag with every punch and kick. I use the symptoms I experience at kickboxing as fuel to move forward, and punch and kick my rage on the bag, like a race horse in a strenuous race focusing on what is ahead and constantly moving forward. 

This is how I deal with my schizophrenia on a daily basis. I do get tired of dealing with it, but with the right treatment plan, I do have some symptom-free days, as well. It is important not only to accept my illness but to have a release from the anger that comes with it. Yes, I have been diagnosed with a severe mental illness — schizophrenia, but I love my life. I am glad I can help others understand mental illness. Horses need their blinders so they don’t get distracted from the assignment life has given them — so they can focus and concentrate on going forward. Every morning, I get up with the same purpose, making the most of every day I am given. My blinders make it possible for me to cope with schizophrenia.     

Were You a Highly Sensitive and Empathic Child?

Some children are born with a neurological make up that can make them more emotionally or intellectually intense, sensitive, and more open to external stimuli than the general population.

As a highly sensitive person, you are empathic and perceptive. When you enter a room, nothing escapes your radar, i.e., the subtle odor, the fine details of the furniture. More importantly, you pick up on the emotional nuances and interpersonal signals people send but are not verbalizing. When the energy in the room is tense, you feel it in your body. When someone is upset, you notice it. With your exceptional intuition, your ability can sometimes come across as psychic. As a child, however, you did not have the language to express what you felt, nor did you have the emotional regulation skills. You ended up getting overwhelmed by the constant waves of social nuances and others’ psychic energies.

Your hyper-empathic tendencies make you more vulnerable to toxic family dynamics. Since you think more and feel more, you are more easily affected by your surroundings and those around you. Any passive aggression, hidden lies and hypocrisies are picked up by you, though it usually does not happen on a conscious level. Before you know it, you might have become the family’s emotional caretaker, or worse, the emotional sponge, scapegoat or punching bag.

Childhood wounding does not always take physical forms. As a society, we must begin to recognize the toxic and insidious nature of chronic complex trauma. Dynamics such as scapegoating, gaslighting, chronic neglect and indirect violence leave deep wounds in our collective psyche, yet historically they have been mainly ignored due to their invisible nature.

Emotionally gifted children are more likely to fall into the role of emotional caretakers, they have to grow up too early, too soon, forgoing their innocent childhood to make up for their parents’ limitations and dysfunctions. Their emotional trauma may not be a result of conscious or malicious acts but remain unnoticed for years. 

The Empathic Child as the Emotional Caretaker

It is natural for human beings to be influenced by and influence one another’s emotional experience; when we see someone is down, we want to provide comfort and support (Niven, Totterdell, & Holman, 2009; Rime, 2009). We regulate one another’s emotions in most interactions, and it happens more so with those who are intimate to us. Mothers, for example, naturally do this with their babies by mirroring their expressions, joining them in their laughter and helping them calm down when they are distressed (Bowlby, 2008; Field, 1994).  

When we attempt to help another person regulate their emotions — either by cheering them up or calming them down, we are engaged in what psychologists call “extrinsic interpersonal emotional regulation” (Nozaki & Mikolajczak, 2020)

When you are highly empathic, you sense and feel emotional nuance more than others, and often you are compelled to make things better even when you are not consciously aware of it. You might have inadvertently and unconsciously, been sensing, monitoring, and balancing the emotional dynamics at home.

• When you sense the energy is low in the household, you make a joke, make a scene, use self-depreciating humor, or put yourself in the “class clown” role to lighten things up.  
• When you detect stress in the home, you pack away your own anxiety, put on a brave face and become the calm anchor everyone else count on. 
• When you predict the storm of an anger outburst coming, you know to quietly tuck away your own needs and protect your siblings from harm.  
• When you see your parents sinking into depression, you diligently help around the house or try to elevate the mood.

You may even silently take care of those around you by altering your self identify. For instance, you disempower yourself, take on the incompetent role to satisfy your parents’ need to feel like they are “good parents.” As a child, you may have psychosomatic pain or eating disorders, although it was unconscious, you have “created” these symptoms so your parents would stop arguing and collaborate.  

Inadvertently, you are being used by the family to balance what is out of balance, to digest the trauma that is too daunting for their psyche, and to express the anger that is unnamed. In the long run, you take on the role of being the “emotional regulator” for the whole family. 

Projective Identification — The Dumping of Shadows

In some occasions, you take a step further and you actually become the “sponge” for your family’s anger, shame, self- pity, and other unwanted emotions. 

If your parents and siblings have emotional baggage that they were unable to process, they could project it outward and make it your burden. It may surprise you that this can happen, but people can indeed force you to process their unwanted psychic materials for them. In psychoanalytic psychology, this is called “projective identification.”

Projective identification is an unconscious mental strategy in which a person discharges feelings and qualities that they reject in themselves onto (and into) others. When one or more of your family members are wrestling with an emotion that frightens or repel them, such as helplessness, envy, self-hate, they would do all they could to disown that part of themselves and lodge it outside of themselves. They then make you experience what they deep down feel but reject. You, as the recipient, would not be aware of the maneuver that has gone on and thought it was “just you.”

For example, your sibling who has deep shame may “split off” that part of herself and dump it in you. She assumes a superior and dominant position, and make you feel inferior and ashamed. She has, inadvertently, made you digest her shame for her. A parent can project a hated part of themselves onto their children, dumping the self-hate they could not process into you. As a result, you grew up carrying toxic shame that was never yours to begin with. 

Projective identification is far more disturbing and insidious than a simple projection. When the projection is forceful enough, it eats into your identity. Chronic fixed projections that exist in the family are particularly problematic and erode your sense of self  (Minnick, 2019). Through direct or subtle manipulation, they provoke in you an emotional response that brings out genuine identity confusion for you. It is a severe boundary violation through which your mind and body are infiltrated. Analyst Bion (1977) characterizes it as “having a thought that is not one’s own.” Due to their more permeable energetic boundaries, highly sensitive and empathic people are particularly vulnerable to such violation.  

The most daunting part about projective identification is that most of it happen on an unconscious, right brain-to-right brain communication level. Projective identification is a remnant of our preverbal selves, bypassing our rational adult selves. Your family members are not conscious of what they are doing. They are acting out of a desperate, under-developed part of themselves. At the same time, you might have been the recipient of projective identification all your life without knowing.

The truth may hurt, but a toxic lie could kill in the most silent and insidious way. 

Self-awareness is the first step to waking up. The goal of this work is not to be stuck in anger or resentment, but to courageously face up to the truth, and take one leap towards liberation. 

Seeing this dynamic can be a painful task. It challenges your worldview at a fundamental level. The part of you that remains protective of your family feels guilty and wants to stay in denial. The part of you that is used to self-blame is frightened of the power waking up may bring. But our tasks here are not blaming or victimizing. This as an opportunity to come closer to yourself and your truth, and to make room for insights that will help you heal and grow.

As a child, you were voiceless. But you now have the power to walk away.  

You can set boundaries, say no. But, more importantly, you can psychologically refuse to take in toxic projections, and reclaim your true self.

Reference

Bion, W. R. (1977). Seven servants: Four works by Wilfred R. Bion.

Bowlby, J. (2008). Attachment. Basic books.

Minnick, C. (2019). Splitting-and-Projective Identification. Retrieved February 1, 2020, from https://ift.tt/31DtNUM

Niven, K., Totterdell, P., & Holman, D. (2009). A classification of controlled interpersonal affect regulation strategies. Emotion, 9(4), 498.

Nozaki, Y., & Mikolajczak, M. (2020). Extrinsic emotion regulation. Emotion, 20(1), 10.

Rimé, B. (2009). Emotion elicits the social sharing of emotion: Theory and empirical review. Emotion review, 1(1), 60-85.

Vangelisti, A. L. (1994). Messages that hurt.

Field, T. (1994). The effects of mothers’ physical and emotional unavailability on emotion regulation. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 59, 208-227.

Many people seek partners based on a list of qualifications or instinctive attraction to certain types. These approaches, though popular, do not consider the flavor that will emerge, when features they are drawn to co-mingle with their own personality. Different matches create their own dynamics that emphasize or inhibit aspects of ourselves — impacting how we feel, our state of mind and who we become. Even with relatively consistent personality characteristics such as being anxious/insecure, who we partner with affects how these traits play out. Desired qualities, or attractions, typically have little bearing on whether a partnership will create a sustainable match, and instead can lead to unforeseen outcomes. 

Roller Coaster Ride

Being attracted to: excitement, emotion, intense connection, “soulmate” feeling

Taylor, 18, never felt so alive and stimulated as with Logan, a handsome, spontaneous rebel who epitomized defiance of norms and authority. Accustomed to trying to please her mom and live up to strict expectations, being with Logan offered a needed escape from feeling controlled and constrained. 

Logan brought out a dormant, more risk-taking and fearless part of Taylor, experiencing a deep connection and identification with this part of  him. Taylor saw herself in a new way, and felt like she was “becoming her own person.” Experimenting with some defiance and rebellion herself, she rebelled against her mom and others, which Logan encouraged. It was her and Logan in their own bubble against the world.

This fantasy driven dynamic, and the longing for escape, is especially tempting for people who are rule bound, conventional, loyal, and/or constrained by needing to accommodate others or do the right thing. It’s also a common dynamic in some affairs and with people caught in midlife, or other existential and psychological crises who feel empty or trapped and want to break out. When these feelings are activated, submitting to them can have an intoxicating, addictive effect, causing a loss of perspective.  

In this example, a disavowed part of Taylor surfaced, pressing for release. She felt connected and fulfilled in a way she never had, but it became difficult for her to function as before. Overstimulated and overwhelmed by the newfound chaos in her life and lacking grounding, Taylor became preoccupied and destabilized — unable to accomplish things that mattered to her. 

Logan failed to provide the stability, space and support Taylor needed to securely develop aspects of her identity apart from the relationship, meet her other goals, or even stand on her own. Ironically, even though the attraction here was fueled by the lure of freedom — the merger and intensity with Logan, pivotal to this dynamic, overpowered previously anchored autonomous aspects of herself and values. 

What Taylor needed was to have the chance to develop her own identity and claim all parts of herself, rather than be polarized and use her relationship to channel the “forbidden” part. She ultimately did well with someone a bit edgy who helped support that less developed part of her, but who was balanced and secure enough to allow her to truly be “her own person.”  

The Illusion of Security

Being attracted to: “love”/admiration, the upper hand, image: status/appearance

Madison, 28, a “successful” and attractive woman, hid her insecurity behind a publicly confident false self. Growing up with critical parents concerned with status and image, she often felt alone and rejected but learned to compartmentalize negative feelings and parts of herself that would create disapproval.

Madison’s pattern of dating men of high status, who liked her more than she liked them, made her feel secure, providing a base from which she could feel stable and accomplish things without being preoccupied with fear of rejection or abandonment. This “worked” until certain repetitive dynamics developed: either they would become possessive or, if she needed emotional support and showed vulnerability, e.g., during hard times, they became critical and no longer idealized her. Though being idealized seemed safe because it offered a feeling of security and the illusion of having the “upper hand,” it became unsafe emotionally when she couldn’t live up to the idealized image or role. Moreover, she continued to feel lonely while in the relationship, and then ultimately found herself in situations where she felt stalked and couldn’t easily break away.  

As she became more aware of this pattern, Madison learned to connect more with her own identity, respect what felt right to her, and distinguish this from automatic forces driving her that were adaptive in the past, like having to prove her worth, but not the present. She learned to show her hand more earlier on, be more curious — asking questions to learn about the other person and identifying “red flags.”  

Emotional Rescue

Being attracted to: being taken care of, to compensate for areas of perceived or actual real world deficiencies 

Michael, 57, was an intellectual, MIT graduate and man of integrity. He was introverted, insecure and awkward socially — lacking interpersonal skills and emotional awareness. He married Carol, another academic — a dominant accomplished woman who took charge of the relationship. Carol needed Michael to be omnipotent in ways that corresponded to his areas of unusual competence. However, she also required him to be invisible at the same time, but this was something familiar and comfortable to him — and all he really knew. In fact, he felt more loved and “seen” by her than ever before by anyone. Their unspoken arrangement suited him much of the time because it felt safe, protecting him from conflict and the shame associated with exposing his weaknesses.

Over the years however Michael began harboring resentment, feeling alone and trapped when personal career and life decisions that did matter to him were usurped by Carol. Being without a voice in the relationship spilled into valued areas of competence in Michael’s life — depriving him of the feeling of mastery that always sustained him. Carol needed Michael to be engulfed by her, and not exist in his own right if that diverged. Eventually, his anger built up and empowered him to leave, when it finally surpassed his fear.   

Michael’s second marriage to Isabella, another bright, strong competent woman, brought out a different side of him. Isabella loved him deeply and was very attracted to Michael — a totally new and exciting experience. But the dynamic she required to fan her attraction (which he was highly motivated to maintain) was for him to be more of a leader in the relationship, and in the more typically “male” role. Practically, this meant having an “edge” by defining his own position and standing his ground when necessary — even being a bit more dominant sometimes.  

What Isabella required fell into Michael’s area of conflict and avoidance, but now was connected to an intrinsically powerful enough reward to overpower his defenses and propel him to stretch his limits. This dynamic inspired Michael to master his fears, balancing security with a palatable push for positive growth.   

Emotional Contagion/Sensitivity Overkill 

Being attracted to: Deep understanding, connection with a similar sensitive type.

Tracy, 45, struggled with worry, anxiety and self-doubt — often needing reassurance. At first, she partnered with someone more like her. Though it was satisfying when he could understand and connect on a deeper level, they both were sensitive, leading her to frequently worry about his reactions to her and fear driving him away. Further, the emotional climate was intense and variable, which further destabilized her. 

Subsequently, Tracy married James who was solid, loyal and steady. He loved her deeply and unconditionally, at first even a bit more than she loved him. James was less sensitive emotionally, so he didn’t always understand her struggles. But because he wasn’t as permeable as she and rarely took her reactions personally, he provided the anchor and support she needed. This relationship was predictable and sustaining for Tracy, providing the right atmosphere for a family. With James, she knew she could count on his belief in her and didn’t have to worry about his feelings or driving him away with her insecurity.

A good measure of the health of a relationship is its effect on our overall well-being and identity rather than how it feels from the lens of a compartmentalized version of ourselves. Fantasy and instinct based attractions can mislead us and play out in unforeseen ways. Depending on the interplay of our own dynamics, unconscious agenda and the mix of both people — the same features that draw us in, for example, security or stimulation and intensity, can operate in the service of growth or at the expense of other goals and personal development. Recognizing unwanted patterns in our relationships can inspire us to rethink the type of partner we may need and be more conscious in our selection.

Disclaimer: The characters are fictitious but represent real situations and psychological dilemmas.