Lisa Find Love

Most of us have never before experienced enforced self-isolation and lockdown. What can we learn from people who have voluntarily gone into isolation for prolonged periods of time?

A group of people who self-isolate regularly are meditators, be it monks spending years in caves or laypersons going to silent retreats. Although there are big differences between meditation retreats and lockdowns, we can learn much from linking the two.

When people begin and end meditation retreats, they often have trouble adjusting. Many experience alienation from everyday life, and some struggle with their changed role or idea of self.¹ Going into and out of isolation can create similar effects.

In my research with meditators, I learned that many report that not talking to others, having no eye-contact, and being on one’s mobile can be deeply unsettling. In turn, social life during the coronavirus lockdown varies from person to person, depending on if we live with somebody (and how our relationship is), if we are prepared to communicate online and by phone, or if we are more extrovert or introvert. Some people now have increased online contact with people from long ago or further away, while others feel disconnected and become depressed, anxious, and fearful. Sometimes we can make changes by reaching out to others and trying to connect virtually, at other times we might be able to change our mind-set and use our alone-time in a positive way, but sometimes we are stuck in sadness, fear and anxious insecurities.

Being alone and being lonely are two different things. This difference partly comes about by choice — whether we choose to be on our own or whether we are forced to be — and partly by how connected we feel with ourselves, with others, or with our tasks and passions.²

What is crucial during both self-isolation and meditation retreats, is how we deal with our emotions and thoughts. During meditation, when we become still and the busyness cedes, our emotions and thoughts rise to the surface. This can be difficult.

The pandemic fills many of us with anxiety, fear and insecurity about our health and our financial situation, and leads to grief over the loss of normalcy, of activities and of people. When these emotions become overwhelming, some develop problematic thoughts and habits, ranging from circling deeper into anxious or depressive thoughts to addictive behavior, getting lost in magical thinking, or obsessively cleaning their hands and surfaces.

Mental health advice often recommends meditation and mindfulness to learn to deal better with negative thoughts. These practices can help us to be more aware of what is happening and to respond skillfully, rather than reacting unconsciously. If we have learned to do this, it can help to give us stability in the face of adversity.

However, if we begin to practice while we experience difficulties, meditation is not always safe.³ Sudden memories of trauma can either induce a fight or flight mode, or make the mind go numb. Both reactions will not enable us to process and integrate what is going on and leave us feeling worse than before. If we want to work with difficult emotions and memories, the first step is to establish stability. Only when we remain in the “window of tolerance” between excess emotion and numbness are we properly aware and rational enough not to be carried away or avoid looking at what is going on. If you have a history of trauma or struggle with strong emotions, it can be necessary to be helped by a therapist or trauma-sensitive mindfulness teacher to be able to learn to meditate without provoking more difficulties.⁴ Therapists are currently preparing to offer more and more services online, and helplines such as Samaritans cannot offer therapy but at least an open ear to those who struggle.

My research shows that some life phases are better than others for working through our difficulties. Defenses are built for a reason: to protect us. If we are well, it makes sense to let go of them in order to heal and integrate all aspects of ourselves and become whole. Yet sometimes, going deeper into problematic thoughts and emotions can lead to more difficulties. This is particularly true if we are feeling unstable, alone or in a situation of uncertainty.³ In such cases, focusing on coping rather than healing as a first step is important. When therapists work with traumatized clients, the first step is to establish stability and a feeling of safety before looking back at past difficulties.⁵ If we are on our own without therapeutic help, we can increase stability by establishing healthy routines. Remember which activities make you feel good, keep your mind stimulated and let you stay as active as possible. The latter also helps us to be less “in our heads.” It will also counter the effects of sitting still, which have become apparent in my meditation research, such as changed appetite and sleep patterns, and sometimes, due to reduced stimulation of one’s senses, changed experiences of one’s body, of the self or the world around us.

The number of people who try meditation is currently increasing, judging by the spike in downloads of meditation apps.⁶ People not only have more time but research has shown that people feel drawn to meditation in times of change and crisis. Meditation can indeed help, but it is important to see if the time is right. Apps don’t offer the same support and help in times of distress that communities and teachers can and won’t help to avoid misunderstandings of concepts, techniques and ideas by providing context or adjusting meditation techniques.

My own research, as well as traditional Buddhist texts, show that some meditation practices are more dangerous than others; extreme developments amongst the practitioners I interviewed included meditation-induced psychoses, suicidality and other serious psychological difficulties.¹ Amongst my sample, negative effects were most likely when practitioners meditate for very long times, or when they use certain techniques including intense breath work or work with energy movement in the body. These techniques often promise to have faster results in helping us to heal or awaken, but they also carry a high risk. Traditionally, these techniques were therefore kept secret until practitioners were advanced enough. But now we can find these techniques on YouTube without any warning about their dangers.

Some meditation blogs encourage practitioners to go on solitary retreats during the lockdown. This can be good if we have been practicing for a while, but it can also cut us off too much in a time when we need connection.

If you have psychological problems, meditation can be overwhelming or lead to misunderstandings of ideas; therefore, it can be useful to have a good teacher or therapeutic support.⁷ Never push or strive during meditation practice, as this is often causes people to develop problems. Practicing self-compassion is of utmost importance.

Also, research shows that meditating while we are upset can reinforce negative patterns.⁸ If meditation doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Some discomfort is normal, when we are getting used to sitting still and being with our thoughts and emotions — mindfulness has wrongly been sold as just making us relaxed or happy. However, when we meditate on our own and without support, we need to be careful about staying within our window of tolerance. Be aware of what is going on for you and tune into your body and mind. If you are in doubt, it will be better to get qualified support before you continue.

When meditators encounter problems, the strategy they reported in my research as the most helpful, is to ground themselves. This includes focusing on feeling the ground under one’s feet, using one’s body more, and connecting with others.

Grounding can also help non-meditating people during self-isolation. Ask yourself if you’re connected to the different parts of your body, to the world, and to others and try to find a way to balance the different areas: Use your body by exercising and working in your house and garden, use your mind by learning new skills or by being creative, don’t avoid feeling your emotions, and connect with people from different areas of your life.

Meditators work with awareness, insight and compassion. All three are crucial to our wellbeing, whether we are meditating or not: We need to stay aware and mindful of what we are doing and feeling, which will help us to appreciate the moment and to find joy in small things. We need to use insight and discernment in how we use media. We need to understand whether we are catastrophizing and generalizing rather than having a more differentiated view. And most importantly, we need to keep our heart open and be compassionate — not only to others, but also to ourselves. Let’s not beat ourselves up for feeling the way we do — instead, let us open our heart to all these hurting parts of ourselves and allow ourselves to grieve.

When we are able to do these things, our isolation can become a fruitful time. There lies a potential in this time of self-isolation that we could tap into: a chance for being more creative, for finding new ways to live or work, for settling into better habits, for clearing up our space, for connecting with people anew. Just like meditation retreats, isolation can mean times of difficulties as well as growth and happiness. Let’s be mindful, insightful and full of compassion for others and ourselves to avoid the pitfalls, keep us safe and to make the best of this time possible.

References

1. Lindahl, J. R., Fisher, N. E., Cooper, D. J., Rosen, R. K., & Britton, W. B. (2017). The varieties of contemplative experience: A mixed-methods study of meditation-related challenges in Western Buddhists. PloS one, p. 20.
2. Arendt, H. (1973). The Origins of Totalitarianism. Orlando: Harcourt.
3. Compson, J. (2014). Meditation, trauma and suffering in silence: Raising questions about how meditation is taught and practiced in Western contexts in the light of a contemporary trauma resiliency model. Contemporary Buddhism, 15(2), 274-297.
4. Treleaven, D. A. (2018). Trauma-sensitive mindfulness: Practices for safe and transformative healing. London: Norton.
5. Van der Hart, O., Brown, P., & Van der Kolk, B. A. (1989). Pierre Janet’s treatment of post-traumatic stress. Journal of traumatic stress, 2(4), 379-395.
6. Meditation App Downloads Increase Because of Coronavirus. (n.d.). Retrieved March 29, 2020, from www.adweek.com website: https://ift.tt/2QryKLQ
7. Masters, R. A. (2010). Spiritual bypassing: When spirituality disconnects us from what really matters.Berkeley: North Atlantic Books.
8. Delorme, A., & Brandmeyer, T. (2019). When the meditating mind wanders. Current opinion in psychology, 28, 133-137.

While some people who’ve become addicted to alcohol and drugs have to hit rock bottom before they’re ready to accept treatment, most realize or can be convinced of the need to get professional help long before such a calamitous event. As for the timing, knowing when you are ready for treatment, it’s different for everyone. It may help to know some of the common signs you’re ready to take the crucial next step. 

You’ve Had Enough — And So Has Everyone Else

The list of addictive behaviors is long and varied, including problem drinking and alcohol abuse that descends into alcohol use disorder, substance use disorder, addiction to prescription or illicit drugs, workaholism, compulsive shopping, gambling, gaming or sexual behavior, eating disorder, or co-occurring disorder (a combination of substance abuse and a mental illness, such as depression or anxiety), there will come a day when the realization hits that you’ve had enough. Likely, so has everyone else. This includes loved ones, family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors and acquaintances. Your life is a mess, and it’s getting worse. Experiencing sleepless nights, numerous physical and mental complaints, noticing a steep decline in performance at work, relationships in jeopardy, stacks of unpaid bills, and hating to look at yourself in the mirror aren’t uncommon. While the real you is still there, it’s hard to see because of your addiction. At this point, you have two choices: accept you have a problem and get treatment or remain on the path of self-destruction.

You Realize Your Life Is Joyless

When life is something you dread, where you can’t stand everyday existence, or barely make it through the day, it may be now that you realize there’s no joy. No one should live this way. The usual ways of coping with stress, dealing with troubles, and masking the pain just make the problems worse. What worked before isn’t sufficient, since now you find you need alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behavior in increasing quantity or frequency. In addition, you’re likely either totally out of control, or nearly there. When the recognition that life is joyless crystalizes, it’s time to accept treatment. 

What Others Say May be Right

Maybe there’ve been brochures or pamphlets about addiction treatment left in plain sight at home or in the office. Someone close to you may have been trying for some time to convince you that you need help. Tensions and a decidedly chilly atmosphere at home may be due to your addictive behavior. Perhaps loved ones even staged a professional intervention to get you into treatment. Instead of rejecting their heartfelt pleas for you to get help, think for a moment that what they are saying may be right. Take the next step and do something to overcome your addiction by going into treatment. 

Maybe It’s Time to Assess Your Situation

Many people schedule an annual physical, or regular dental checkups, so the concept of doing a health self-assessment, including any addictive behavior, might be a good idea. What accounted for money expenditures, if they didn’t go to pay for monthly bills? Perhaps it’s become harder to pay those bills because the money’s been used to pay for alcohol, bar tabs, illicit or prescription drugs obtained illegally and used for nonmedical purposes. 

While trying to hide the hole in the bank account statements or grabbing credit card bills before a spouse sees them, eventually these stalling tactics can’t hide the truth about family finances. Assess the situation from a fiscal standpoint. Two choices emerge once again: Keep draining household finances to continue funding addictive behavior, or stop funneling that cash and decide to get professional treatment. 

Acknowledge and Get Beyond Self-Denial 

Statements familiar to most addicts include many recitations of denial to loved ones, family, friends, co-workers and themselves. Everything’s under control. I don’t have a problem. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. I can handle my drinking (pills, gambling, and so on). 

It’s amazing how long and often a person denies what is so obvious to everyone else about their addiction. Indeed, self-denial is one of the first stages addicted individuals go through. It takes some time to admit to themselves and acknowledge to others that there is a problem. Getting beyond self-denial means beginning to consider that the only way to get better is to enter treatment. 

Self-Detox Failed, So Maybe Give Treatment a Chance 

Trying to wean off drugs, alcohol or other addictive behavior alone likely failed. It may have worked for a short time, days or even weeks, yet inevitably resulted in relapse. Many addicted individuals follow this pattern repeatedly before finally accepting treatment. While it’s true that there’s no guarantee of lifelong sobriety following treatment completion, the opportunity for a clean and sober life begins with treatment. Besides, things aren’t going so well now, are they? Face the facts: Without treatment, chronic and long-term addiction has predictable and dire results.

Recognize that since nothing else worked to ensure sobriety, or lasted only briefly, maybe now is the time to think about getting addiction treatment. Beginning the consideration process to give treatment a try could be your breakthrough moment.

What About Multiple Relapses? Are You Doomed to Failure? 

Dispel the idea that you’re a failure for having multiple relapses. Slipping back into addictive habits isn’t a failure, nor does it mean there’s something wrong with you. Similarly, relapse is not lack of willpower, moral fiber or character strength, and relapse does have value, in retrospect. Relapse, which is common, means you may not have developed sufficient coping skills to withstand what may be overwhelming cravings and urges. Treatment length may have been too short, and once you were around the people, places and things associated with your addiction, you weren’t able to resist getting involved again. Furthermore, those who’ve gone through addiction treatment may need to go back several times before they’re confident they have the tools and strategies necessary to fully embrace sobriety. 

It is never too late to get treatment. Even those who are in late-stage alcoholism, treatment can help improve quality of life. After relapse, detoxification is necessary before active treatment can resume. Then, you’ll participate in individual and group counseling, and take part in various therapies, including cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), motivational enhancement therapy (MET), family therapy, 12-step group participation, and other types of  treatment modalities. Medication may be prescribed to help overcome cravings. Analyzing what worked before in treatment and coming up with modifications for those strategies can help avoid future relapse. 

If you relapsed before, but still want to get clean and sober, seize the opportunity and get back into treatment.  

Commit to Taking Recovery One Day at a Time

If anyone focused solely on treatment negatives, such as not knowing if they’d have the strength to complete it, or how long and difficult it might be, they’d likely be highly reluctant to embrace treatment at all. Instead, they’d resist, telling themselves it’s too uncertain, too painful, too long or too difficult. Yet, while treatment does require effort and determination, it isn’t a bleak and unending process. 

There have been significant advancements in addiction treatment during the last two decades. Addiction is treatable and offers positive outcomes for many addicts. Current treatment medications can significantly reduce or eliminate withdrawal symptoms. Anti-craving medications that are non-addictive can help sustain individuals during the early recovery period while they get learn effective coping strategies. Self-help groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous provide support and encouragement and offer fellowship long after conclusion of formal treatment. 

What’s important to remember is to take recovery one day at a time. Telling yourself that no matter how bad things get, you can make it through the next 24 hours. By adopting this approach, life will look better. It will be better. When you embrace getting professional help for your addiction and commit to the healing process of one day at a time, you will know you are ready for treatment. 

On March 14th, 1970 — fifty years ago — Fritz Perls, the man behind Gestalt Therapy, died. Few people reading this will know who he was, let alone the significant influence he had on the world of psychology. He was a complex and interesting man. He could be manipulative, grumpy, dismissive and harsh but also funny, insightful, sentimental and warm. His parting words to this world were: “Don’t tell me what to do!” He barked that to a nurse who demanded he get back into bed after surgery. He dangled his feet over the side of the bed in defiance and promptly died. That is classic Perls. Nobody told him what to do. His personality was not always agreeable, but he devoted his life to helping people live well in the “here and now” before modern mindfulness was even a thing.

As I write this article my Gestalt Therapy diploma hangs above my desk. Completion date 2004. Even when I trained in Gestalt, there weren’t many schools teaching it. As a therapy it had fallen out of favor for more thinking therapies like CBT, which Perls would have rolled his eyes at. Even back in the sixties, he warned that too much was going through our thinking-computer, and because of that, we were losing the ability to be aware of our senses. To feel and be whole. Seventy years on, he’s more right than ever.

I think the other reason Gestalt therapy fell out of favor is because it wasn’t a fad. Gestalt never promised a quick fix. Gestalt therapy is about growth, and growth can feel painful and takes time. There is also nothing easy about being a client in Gestalt therapy. Many days I dreaded going to my therapist. And yet I found the journey incredibly worthwhile and to this day, I am grateful to Fritz Perls and the Gestalt community for all I learned about myself. 

But here we are, fifty years after his death, and I think the world needs him and Gestalt therapy more than ever. I see a fragmented world, where thinking is everything and our senses have dulled. I imagine Perls wouldn’t like seeing how far from the “here and now” we have traveled. How everything is about selfies and instant-happiness, instant-health, instant-cure. But that’s not growth. That’s all surface stuff that distracts us from what is really happening within. 

Everything is on-demand, and you demand the world be as you want it. We focus on those bits of us we like or can at least tolerate, while hiding the parts of ourselves we don’t like. Just think positive! But running away from situations or feelings that challenge us only increases the likelihood we won’t address our own discomfort. You fly to Facebook to complain how slighted you are by someone you don’t even know, rather than diving into what it is about them that creates such anxiety or anger in you. What are you feeling and not resolving? 

But we don’t do that. Instead of asking questions of ourselves we wait for the likes and comments to confirm how righteous we are, and what a pig they are. Good and bad. Those conflicting polarities pushing hard against each other. You consistently eliminate the parts of your self that don’t fit into a glossy social-media narrative. You post idealized pictures on Instagram while behind the lens your world is falling apart. Do you really think people live such fantastic lives all the time? And instead of engaging in group therapy — something Perls thought would replace individual therapy because of its benefits — you hide in online groups that support your singular worldview. You stick with people like you, who rage against those who don’t share your ideology. Typing disparaging comments like you’re engaging in meaningful dialogue, yet you are not listening because we are not meeting. All this action is inauthentic. 

Gestalt therapy showed me how to pay attention to those parts within me that are unfinished and unsatisfied. To explore those parts with excitement and creativity, rather than keeping them split off because they don’t feel good. I learned to accept and bring that discomfort into my center, making me as whole as possible. Many times, I bawled like a baby as I touched these parts; talked to them and found a way to bring my Gestalt to a close. It isn’t easy — never was and shouldn’t be. There’s something deeply healing in the pain of acceptance. And if we can do that with ourselves, we can then see others for who they are and the struggles they fight. Accepting these fragmented parts completes us, enabling us to grow as healthy humans — warts and all. 

We all know our world requires attention, and yet, the way I see people addressing these problems, I think, is unhelpful. Everything is another’s fault — they have to change. I understand wanting to live in a safe world, but safety doesn’t come from control. That’s called authoritarianism and that’s bad. With your demands on others, you may not realize it, but your children are growing up weak. You don’t teach them to be robust enough to find support for their problems from within. You teach them problems get resolved by outside-forces like schools, parents, social-justice-warriors or government. You teach them that those who shout loudest get what they want. If they are frustrated or in discomfort you teach them others will come running to their rescue and solve all discomfort. Enforcing control over others by creating rules and calling it progress. But this retards the maturation process. Without taking responsibility for our own discomfort and supporting ourselves in the face of personal challenges, we learn to be ineffective in our ability to deal with the world. The more we demand chaos be controlled, the more we fear chaos. And make no mistake, life is chaos. 

The best we can do is to learn how to cope with the chaos of the world, which will not go away just because you demand it. Without proper inner support, you are diminishing your capacity to deal with the world until the slightest touch on your comfort zone drives you into a fear frenzy. This is not good. If you don’t have the internal skills to deal with something you don’t like, you’ll continue to play the helplessness game — screaming at others to control the world — but, as Perls would say, you are acting phony. Control has nothing to do with growing as a rounded and complete human being. And if you don’t grow, how can you expect others to?

I believe in the message of Gestalt and what it can teach us. I have shared the Gestalt Prayer with countless people and not once has it fallen on deaf ears. For me, it highlights what it means to be an authentic human being. and I offer you this poem to chew on:

Gestalt Prayer

You do your thing, and I do mine.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in the world to live up to mine.
You are you and I am I.
And if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.
If not, it can’t be helped.

That’s a fantastic message. Some will push back and say it is a selfish message, but I disagree. It is a reminder that we are all individual and sometimes it takes work to understand each other. We can’t and shouldn’t demand the world and others be as we want them to be. Differing views are okay and tolerated. If you want equality, inclusion, diversity and safety in the world, you need to find that balance within you first. We have no right to demand the world change because it negates your discomfort. If you want change, then put your house in order first. 

So, before it’s too late, I urge you to stop shouting at the world and confront your discomfort. I urge you to stop manipulating the environment and ask: “What do I need from others that I can’t get from myself? What does control mean to me?” 

I learned from Gestalt therapy that freedom comes from within. Where wholeness and acceptance are preferable to ignorance, manipulation and control. 

You are you and I am I…

Fritz Perls, the world needs you more than ever. 

“Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never—in nothing great or small, large or petty – never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense.” – Winston Churchill

When someone is in recovery from substance abuse, addiction, major depression or other mental health disorder, or a medical condition resulting from surgery, an accident or disease, they’ve got a lot of challenges to face. A hard truth to accept is that not all of those challenges will result in successful outcomes — at least, initially. But that should never dissuade a person from giving their very best effort in all instances, for it is only through perseverance and diligence that dreams can be achieved.

Yet, it is also true that most people find that it’s just too easy to become disheartened when things don’t go as planned or anticipated. That is human nature.  Frankly, it doesn’t matter if the individual is in recovery or not. Human beings are subject to making mistakes, having clouded judgment at times, often being overly emotional about things when making decisions, and a litany of other contributing factors. 

The tendency may be to blame time and place or say that it is just bad luck when it comes to success. But that’s an excuse, a rationalization employed instead of owning up to the truth: We didn’t keep at it, or gave up too soon.

There are good reasons to get discouraged, to be sure. These include attempting a goal without being ready for it, insufficient training, lack of knowledge or experience, and fear of succeeding or failure.

However, that’s all the more ammunition to keep plugging away at plans, going step by step until there is achievement, at least some measure of success, such as progress along the way that can serve as reassurance of being  on the right track. This serves as motivation when perhaps nothing else will. How else can we explain the success of others who, by all outward appearances, have nothing going for them and seem doomed to failure? Yet, it happens every day that individuals do achieve tremendous success, reach what appear to be lofty goals, perhaps because of or despite the disadvantaged backgrounds they come from or have overcome.

What about those of us who have nothing positive in our history to point to? What if we are convinced that we messed up everything we’ve ever attempted or have that we’ve made more mistakes than wise decisions for a long time? We can blame it all on someone else, our preoccupation with making money, an obsessive focus on relationships, or one or more addictions. To the extent that we took our eye off the ball and let our lives slipped into such disarray, or that we ignored symptoms that were evident to others, there may be some valid basis to such explanation. But it is still not owning up to our responsibility for what’s happened. After all, no one forced us to drink or do drugs. No one made us the way we’ve become. We did that. Granted, we may have a biological marker that is a contributing factor, say, to alcoholism that runs back generations in the family. Yet there are thousands of individuals with such markers who do not become alcoholics, so that explanation isn’t universal.

Suffice to say that if we have a bleak history with respect to success, it is time to change that. Start working today to achieve small successes. It is necessary to start somewhere. Be sure, however, to make these reasonable goals that have a realistic chance of success. And there are things that qualify in this area. Take, for example, the goal to treat ourselves better, to get 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night, to eat regular and well-balanced meals and get some type of physical exercise each day. These are not tough goals. They should be ones that we can do and be successful in the attempt.

Little accomplishments will begin to add up. Here’s how it works. When we are properly nourished, well rested and have increasing amounts of energy because we are getting physical exercise to jumpstart our system, there are multiple physical, emotional, and psychological benefits. There’s no reliance on substances for a jolt or to numb reality. Therefore, welcome the opportunity to live clear-headed and free of alcohol and drugs. This is the path of healing from addictions. This is also an example of taking first steps in a personal path of recovery from any medical condition, disease, tragedy, or emotional disturbance or illness.

Be sure too to make use of the support and encouragement that’s readily available to us from our family members and loved ones. Only those who are truly committed to our recovery can offer the kind of unflagging support that’s so crucial to ongoing progress.

Knowing that we have allies in our corner will go a long way toward easing our mind and allaying some of the fears about tackling goals, especially difficult goals and those that require an expenditure of time. Everyone who ever started recovery began from uncertainty and fear. Not knowing the future can be truly frightening. 

Know that it is possible to get through this with perseverance and determination. It may not always be easy. In fact, it probably won’t be. But it  isn’t out of the question, either. Life is precious. It is also short. Isn’t it better to live with the hope and expectation of doing the best to be happy and productive and fulfilled? One of the most positive aspects of perseverance is that it is self-renewing. The more we persevere, the more we want to continue, and the clearer the goal or objective becomes. Should obstacles arise, having a strong commitment to perseverance can sometimes lead to discovery of alternative ways to achieve desired goals, or different paths to the end result.

Be comforted that millions of individuals now in recovery have been down this road and have found hope, comfort, peace, happiness and love. We can too, as long as we persevere, never give in and never give up. 

Imagine going to work every day with the ‘marching orders’ issued by superiors to imprison, commit acts of violence, humiliation and dehumanization. After your shift is over, you return home to your family, literally and figuratively wash your hands of the residual from the day and embrace your children. If you are adept at practicing cognitive dissonance, you remind yourself that you were merely following directives and your job is how you support your loved ones. You tell yourself that you are a moral and ethical person who may attend religious services and volunteer in your community. You are certain that you are a good soul. Everyone says so.

Why would otherwise ‘good people’ act in anti-social ways toward others? Think about those who were complicit during the Holocaust, slavery in the United States, the murder of Native Americans, the imprisonment of Japanese Americans during WWII, or currently being an ICE agent or a border guard. The neighbors of these people might not have a clue what they do/did professionally or socially.

I was listening to the episode The Influence You Have: Why We Fail To See Our Power Over Others on NPR’s podcast Hidden Brain. The focus was on the ways people are more uncomfortable with refusing to follow harmful orders than they are actually doing what is asked of them. Peer pressure, societal expectation and fear of repercussion for saying no, were reasons given when people were asked to do what otherwise would conflict with their values and conscience.

The word “conscience” is translated from the Latin word “conscientia,” which comes from the Greek “syneidesis.” It is defined as:

• the sense or consciousness of the moral goodness or blameworthiness of one’s own conduct, intentions, or character together with a feeling of obligation to do right or be good.
• a faculty, power, or principle enjoining good acts the part of the superego in psychoanalysis that transmits commands and admonitions to the ego.

An article published in Greater Good Magazine states, “a recent Gallop Poll indicates that nearly 80 percent of Americans rated the overall state of morality in the United States as fair or poor. Even more troubling is the widely held opinion that people are becoming more selfish and dishonest. According to that same Gallup Poll, 77 percent of Americans believe that the state of moral values is getting worse.”

I am wondering what seeds were planted in the hearts and minds of those who lie, harm, destroy and kill for a living, like some who sit in positions of power in business, government, and religion. Was it simply expedience and the desire for a quick buck, thrill or being in an elevated position? People are expendable or viewed as less than, pawns in a game that is always set up to lose, but some keep playing. It is one reason why sexual assault is acceptable to some, covered up and explained away. It is one reason why governments justify kidnapping and killing those with dissenting opinions and why the environment is daily threatened with no thought of the future for the next generations. Is conscience expendable?

What really does it mean to be a good person? Social conscience and consciousness go hand in hand. Have you ever seen the show, “What Would You Do?“ It involves actors participating in a questionable act, and bystanders being set up. The point is to expose people’s values. Sometimes, what develops is both stunning and humorous. People’s best and worst tendencies are on display. 

A famous social experiment that echoes the television show was created by Yale professor Stanley Milgram in 1961 in which he gathered volunteers to determine how compliant they would be when asked to administer increasingly potent electric shocks. As a Jewish child growing up in New York in the 1930s, he wondered how people could vilify and murder their neighbors simply because they were told to do so. He was determined to discover if that same dynamic would hold true in a lab setting. 

• The “experimenter”, who was in charge of the session.
• The “teacher”, a volunteer for a single session. The “teacher” was led to believe that they were merely assisting, whereas they were actually the subject of the experiment.
• The “learner”, an actor and an ally of the experimenter, who pretended to be a volunteer.

The truth was that it was a well-conceived hoax that only the first and third were in on, and the second was asked to put aside his otherwise do-no-harm sensibilities. There was no actual physical harm perpetrated on the “learners”, however the “teachers” experienced signs of severe stress when they believed they were inflicting pain. Despite that knowledge, 65% continued to give what they thought were increasingly higher voltage shocks. (Milgram documented his findings in Obedience to Authority: An Experimental View.)

What is particularly fascinating about the experiment, was that although the teacher was told that he needed to continue on, with these prompts offered:

1. Please continue.
2. The experiment requires that you continue.
3. It is absolutely essential that you continue.
4. You have no other choice you must go on.

No one was threatened if they didn’t follow instructions. Even so, more than half chose to continue. What was missing from the project at its completion was that the teachers were not informed that they had indeed not generated shocks to the learner. 

In the wake of WWII, The Nuremberg Trials yielded what was called “Superior Orders” by which those down the chain of command in the Nazi regime plead that they were simply following orders and were, therefore, blameless. The same could be said by those in the Milgram experiments, as well as those in present day positions of authority over others. It doesn’t make it true.

Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) provides us with many excellent concepts and skills to practice and incorporate with various areas of distress and dysregulation, including the current uncertain times of living with COVID-19. The way in which this pandemic illness is spreading all over the world and is the focus of most any current conversation requires that we find a way to cope effectively. Marsha Linehan, the founder and developer of DBT, provides us with several excellent ideas about how best to manage stressful times. 

Many of us Americans struggled to radically accept that this virus was in our midst and needed prompt attention. I noticed that I was initially thinking that this couldn’t be as dire as was being portrayed in the media, and I was hoping we could just continue on with primarily focusing on ways to reduce anxiety. I wanted to help my clients limit exposure to panic being promulgated on various social media sites and to focus on using good common sense (like practicing proper hygiene and staying home if sick). And I was rather willful at first about not wanting to cancel my vacation that had been carefully planned and scheduled for over a year.

However, I have had to embrace willingness to recognize that I need to do what is needed and participate fully in the process of changing the way I mange my daily life. I need to fully and whole-heartedly offer teletherapy options to all of my clients (including finding a way to run DBT group on-line), cancel the social gatherings that are a critical part of my self-care, and put adventuresome travel on hold indefinitely. As Linehan astutely points out: rejecting reality does not change reality. 

Linehan has an elegant model which provides a solution to any problem, and this is focused on four primary ways that we respond to a serious problem in life:

1. Figure out how to solve the problem.
2. Change how you feel about the problem.
3. Tolerate and accept it.
4. Stay miserable or possibly make it worse (by using no skills).

The coronavirus pandemic provides opportunity to practice all four of these responses, though clearly focusing on options 1, 2, and 3 would be more ideal. Option 1 forces us to consider how we maybe can’t solve the problem of the virus being here, but we can keep practicing ways to limit spread of the virus and to be smart about how we proceed in the weeks to come. Option 2 references the fact that we can focus on ways to use skills of emotional regulation, part of which might be to simply be mindful of our current emotions (which, in of itself, often actually reduces the intensity of emotion). Option 3 might be the one that is potentially most applicable in this circumstance, which is focusing on acceptance as a way to reduce suffering. This latter option is especially helpful when other options don’t seem to be working, such as when one can’t solve the problem or is struggling to change emotions about the problem. 

Various reputable sources of information (including CDC and WHO) and illness mitigation models currently in place show us that we need to accept the facts that this pandemic is upon us and that social distancing really seems to be scientifically based. These are the facts about social distancing being needed and appropriate:  

Source: “Coronavirus: Why You Must Act Now” by Tom Pueyo on Medium

“The earlier you impose heavy measures, the less time you need to keep them, the easier it is to identify brewing cases, and the fewer people get infected,” Pueyo writes. This is similar to the DBT approach of how addressing a painful or problematic issue in our life sooner rather than later can mean that there is less overall distress. The longer we ignore or refuse to face the facts, the more long term unhappiness and suffering there is overall.  

The reasons for facing the facts immediately in this COVID-19 outbreak are not only for our mental health but also strongly correlated with better outcome for physical health for thousands. It has become clear that our healthcare system would be much better equipped to manage cases more slowly over a longer period of time. This would also allow scientists to continue their work on developing the vaccine. We are striving for the flattening effect: 

Source: “Flattening A Pandemic’s Curve: Why Staying Home Now Can Save Lives” by Maria Godoy on NPR

“It’s all part of an effort to do what epidemiologists call flattening the curve of the pandemic,” Godoy writes. “The idea is to increase social distancing in order to slow the spread of the virus, so that you don’t get a huge spike in the number of people getting sick all at once.” This provides an interesting approach where the goal is not currently to eliminate coronavirus contagions but rather to postpone them until a time when science has advanced enough that the risk can be eliminated completely.

Engaging in the recommended social distancing and quarantining for some will mean that interpersonal skills are tested in a new way. Family members or roommates who haven’t generally spent as much time together will now suddenly be thrown into more constant contact. Validation skills may be taxed as each person approaches this pandemic in different ways and may be protective about their view of how best to cope. There may be more need for those Interpersonal Effectiveness skills on a more regular basis, with individuals who are able to use assertiveness, respect and communication effectiveness likely finding important relationships more positively maintained.

One seminal interpersonal skill acronym, DEARMAN, very craftily guides individuals to obtaining objectives effectively by using steps to Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce while staying Mindful, Appearing confident and Negotiating as needed. Some household, romantic, neighborhood or work relationships might need more positive focus for improvement (using GIVE skills) while other might need focus on self-respect (using FAST skills). We are also likely to see a sharp rise in loneliness factors potentially given the natural reduction in social connections, and this will require us to be more creative as the usual skills of seeking proximity with others and joining community groups might be put on hold for some time.  

There may be many things we can’t do, but there are also actually many things we can do in the weeks to come. We can continue to find the dialectical balance of bringing in wise mind focus, being mindful to aim for the middle path of not staying stuck in overly emotional or the overly rational mind. Continuing to attend to the basic of self-care will be critical. Linehan outlines these with one of her clever acronyms, PLEASE, which stands for the reminder to treat PhysicaL illness, balance Eating, avoid mood-Altering substances, balance Sleep, and get Exercise. All of these foundational behaviors are shown to be highly helpful with both mental and physical health.

We can also strive to use the ABCs of reducing vulnerability to emotion mind, namely Accumulating positive emotions, Building mastery, and Coping ahead. We can use the many Distress Tolerance skills relating to distract, soothe and improve (each with DBT-famed accompanying acronyms), ideas focused on actions and mindsets which can assist in staying skillful when emotions are threatening to overwhelm. 

Many things will likely continue to be canceled and many things might be changed in the upcoming weeks. Our flexibility muscles are going to be tested. But it is also breaking news there are also many things that are not canceled, and there is wisdom in keeping some perspective on these as well:

References:

Pueyo, T. (2020 Mar 10). Coronavirus: Why You Must Act Now. Medium. https://ift.tt/2vfpRxI

Godoy, M. (2020 Mar 13). Flattening A Pandemic’s Curve: Why Staying Home Now Can Save Lives. NPR. https://ift.tt/2TNuKau

It might seem self-evident, yet evidently everyone doesn’t recognize the importance of good mental health. Beyond the fact that maintaining good mental health is crucial to overall well-being, finding ways to promote it is equally beneficial. Even those who have a mental health disorder, such as depression or anxiety, or develop one coincident with substance use disorder, can take proactive measures to achieve good mental health. What is good mental health and what helps promote it? Here are some points to consider.

Mental Health Defined

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), “Mental health is an integral and essential component of health.” Furthermore, the WHO constitution states, “Health is a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.” 

Being blessed with good mental health is also more than not having a mental illness, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, or anxiety. A mentally healthy person knows their capabilities, can cope with life’s normal stresses, work in a productive manner on a regular basis, and can contribute to the community. As a construct, good mental health is the foundation for effective functioning and well-being for both individuals and the communities where they live.

Promoting Mental Health

It takes action to promote good mental health. Promoting mental health encompasses various strategies, all with the aim of making a positive impact on mental health. These include programs and strategies to create living conditions and an environment supportive of mental health that allow people to both adopt and maintain healthier lifestyles. The range of available choices has the added benefit of increasing opportunities for everyone to experience the benefits of good mental health or improve their mental health.

Factors That Determine Mental Health

Mental health and mental health disorders are affected by multiple factors, just as is the case with illness and general health. Often these factors interact, and include elements of a biological, social, and psychological nature. 

Some of the clearest evidence, say experts, is associated with various poverty indicators. Among them are low levels of education, inadequate housing and low income. Risks to mental health for individuals and communities tend to increase as socioeconomic disadvantages increase and persist. In addition, disadvantaged individuals within communities are more vulnerable to mental health disorders. Some of this may be explained in part by other factors, such as rapid social change, risks of violence, having poor physical health, and feeling insecure and hopeless. 

Good mental health is not possible without policies and an environment that respects and protects basic civil, cultural, political, and socio-economic rights. People must have the security and freedom of these rights to achieve and maintain good mental health.

Behavior and Mental Health

Certain mental, social, and behavioral health problems may interact with each other and intensify effects on a person’s behavior and well-being. Substance abuse, violence, and abuse against children and women are key examples, along with HIV/AIDS, anxiety and depression. These problems tend to be more prevalent and difficult to cope with in conditions that include high unemployment, low income, stressful working conditions, gender discrimination, violations of human rights, unhealthy lifestyle, social exclusion and limited education. 

Cost-Effective Interventions to Promote Good Mental Health

Promoting good mental health doesn’t require million dollar budgets. Low-cost, cost-effective interventions can raise mental health on an individual and community level. The following effective evidence-based interventions can help promote good mental health:

• • Early childhood interventions
  • School mental health promotion activities  
  • Community development programs
  • Support to children 
  • Improved housing policies
  • Violence prevention programs 
  • Empowerment of women, including mentoring programs 
  • Elder social support 
  • Workplace mental health interventions
  • Programs targeted for vulnerable groups 

Good Mental Health Basics for Children at Home

Promoting good mental health in children involves a number of things that parents can do in the home.

Unconditional Love

All children need unconditional love from their parents. This love, and the associated acceptance and security, are the foundation for a child’s good mental health. Children need to be reassured that parental love doesn’t depend on getting good grades, doing well in sports, or how they look. Another important point to stress is that childhood mistakes and defeats are common, and should be expected and accepted. When parents show their unconditional love, and their children know this exists no matter what happens, their self-confidence will grow. 

Confidence and Self-Esteem

Parents can nurture their child’s confidence and self-esteem by praising their efforts, either for things they attempt for the first time or those that they do well. This encourages the child to learn new things and explore the unknown. Other ways for parents to build their child’s confidence and self-esteem include providing a safe play environment, active involvement in their activities, giving assurance and smiling. 

Set realistic goals for children that match their abilities and ambition. As they get older, they’ll be able to choose more challenging goals that test their abilities. Avoid being critical or sarcastic. Instead, give children a pep talk if they fail a test or lose a game. They need reassurance, not criticism. 

Be honest, yet don’t make light of parental failures or disappointments. Knowing their parents are human and sometimes make mistakes helps children to grow. Encourage them to do their best and enjoy learning. Trying new activities helps children learn teamwork, build self-esteem and develop new skills.

Guidance and Discipline 

Children also need to know that some actions and behaviors and actions are inappropriate and unacceptable, whether at home, school or elsewhere. As primary authority figures, parents need to provide their children with appropriate guidance and discipline. In the family, make sure discipline is fair and consistent, not having different rules for the child’s other siblings. 

Set a good example as well, since kids won’t adhere to rules if parents break them. Also, when the child does something wrong, talk about their inappropriate behavior, but don’t blame the child. Explain the reason for the discipline and potential consequences their actions may involve. Do not nag, threaten, or bribe, since children quickly ignore those tactics and they’re ineffective as well. Try not to lose control around your child. If you do, talk about what happened and apologize. Providing parental guidance and discipline is not for controlling children, but to give them the opportunity to learn self-control.  

Safe and Secure Surroundings 

Children should feel safe and secure at home, and not be fearful there. Yet, despite parents’ and caregivers’ best intentions, children do experience fear, anxiety, become secretive or withdraw during certain circumstances and situations. It’s important to remember that fear is a real emotion for children. Trying to determine the cause of the fear and doing something to correct it is necessary. Children may show signs of fear that include aggressiveness, extreme shyness, nervousness, and changes in eating or sleeping patterns. Moving to a new neighborhood or school, or another stressful event may trigger fears, and being ill can bring on fear over going back to school. 

Play Opportunities with Other Children

Children should have opportunities to play with other children, both inside and outside the home. Playtime, in addition to being fun, helps children learn to solve problems, be creative, learn new skills, and exercise self-control. Playing tag, jumping and running helps them become mentally and physically healthy. If there aren’t kids in the neighborhood that are age-appropriate, look into a children’s program at a recreation or park center, community center, or at school. 

Encouraging, Supportive Teachers and Caretakers 

Teachers and caretakers play an instrumental role in promoting a child’s good mental health. As such, they should be actively involved in the development of the child, offering encouragement and support that’s consistent. 

Resiliency and Good Mental Health

Resiliency is all about emotional balance. Yet, being mentally and emotionally healthy doesn’t mean that people never experience hard times or painful situations. Disappointments, loss, and change are part of life and cause even the healthiest individuals to feel anxious, sad, or stressed. 

When a person is resilient, he or she can bounce back from adversities like losing a job or the going through a relationship breakup, illness, grief, sadness, or other setback. They recognize the reality of the circumstance, and do what they must to restore emotional balance. 

People can teach themselves to become more resilient and improve their mental health. Learning to recognize emotions prevents a person from becoming trapped in negativity, or falling into a state of anxiety or depression. A good support network of family, co-workers, friends, counselors and therapists can also help during times of need. 

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), resiliency is not a trait. It does, however, involve thoughts, behaviors, and actions that anyone can learn and develop. They suggest the following 10 ways to help build resilience:  

1. Accept that change is a part of living. 
2. Make connections. 
3. Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems. 
4. Take decisive actions. 
5. Make progress toward goals. 
6. Look for opportunities for self-discovery. 
7. Nurture a positive self-view. 
8. Maintain a hopeful outlook. 
9. Take care of yourself. 
10. Keep things in perspective. 

Apart from the Sunday Scaries, weekday morning anxiety is more commonplace than you think. Despite this notion, there are simple, natural, and drug-free ways to combat your AM anxiety in about five minutes. It might just be a small amount of time, but this payoff could make your morning — and potentially your whole day — a lot better and less stressful. That’s a great return on your time investment! 

Below is a list of things to do as soon as you wake up and feel panicky. As said above, these only take about five minutes of your time with a big boost in a sense of calm and wellbeing. Try one of these 10 simple ways to lower stress, boost your mood, and get more energy. It might give you that extra spark you need to meet the challenges of the day, or at the very least get you through your morning in a good and calm headspace. 

1. Make your bed.

This isn’t about being a clean freak. It’s a small ritual that can help create a calm environment for you in your bedroom. A soothing bedroom should be a part of your daily “sleep hygiene” habits.

Author Gretchen Rubin recommends making your bed as a daily habit in her book, The Happiness Project. She recommends doing it the first thing in the morning. This way, you’ve got one less thing to worry about for the rest of the day, and you can look forward to slipping under the clean and neat covers when you turn in for the night. 

2. Pack a snack.

Before you head out the door in the morning, prep a healthy snack to take with you. Ideas include fruit, unsalted nuts, and low-fat cheese or yogurt. When you get hungry later in the afternoon, you’ll be ready! Cutting back on processed food will derail you from midday mood/hunger swings and sugar crashes.

3. Clear your desk.

From stray papers to scattered coffee mugs, clutter can make you lose focus and curb productivity. Declutter your outer environment, and you may feel more organized and better able to concentrate on the task at hand. If it seems overwhelming, throw out one thing at a time.

4. Pump up the music.

Several studies have found that listening to music can help lower blood pressure, reduce stress, and boost your mood. The right music has the power to change your attitude. Create a playlist that will make you smile, whether you’re working or working out. This is a safe and healthy way to make your day more enjoyable and manageable. 

5. Sniff a lemon.

For a quick de-stressing trick, turn to an underrated sense — your sense of smell. Japanese researchers found that linalool, a substance found in lemons, may turn down the classic “flight-or-fight” stress response. If lemons aren’t your thing, try basil, eucalyptus, or lavender, as these scents have also been found to lower your cortisol levels. 

6. Stretch

No need to put on your yoga pants or get all bendy. A few easy moves will do. Stretch your arms overhead. Raise and lower your shoulders a couple of times. Stretch your legs as you lean your torso against a wall. Be gentle, so as not to overdo it.

Stretching can help improve your circulation and flexibility, and may help ease the tight muscles that come with stress. 

7. Meditate 

It’s easier and simpler than you may think. Settle into a comfortable position in a chair or on the floor. Proceed to follow your breath, in and out, for a few minutes. Thoughts are bound to bubble up in your mind. Let them float on by, and turn your attention back to your breath. Meditating daily, even for just a few minutes, may help tame stress. 

8. Keep a gratitude diary.

Take a minute every day to write down what you’re thankful for, big or small. It’s easy to vent about weather, traffic, or job woes, but complaining brings negative energy along with it. Being thankful for what you have can make you appreciate all the positives in your life. 

9. Turn off your electronics.

Take a little break from all your gadgets, especially as soon as you wake up. Staring at computer screens and electronics in the AM can zap your energy and encourage inactivity, dread, and fear. Just because the world is on 24/7, doesn’t mean that you have to be. While it’s tempting to get obsessed, and worried about the Coronavirus , and the tumbling turbulent stock market, it will only add more stress to your sacred AM, so be mindful of what you watch and listen to.

10. Prioritize

Give yourself permission to admit that you can’t do everything all at once. Instead, you can nibble away at your to-do list, and feel more satisfied by setting some priorities and boundaries. Not everything is an emergency, so take the time to figure out what’s truly important in your list of tasks, and go from there. Other things can wait. This method will also help to sharpen your focus and raise your productivity levels. So make a list, figure out what really matters, what can wait, and what you can skip. Work your way down the list, handling your top priorities first. This method might seem elementary, but it works, especially when we feel overwhelmed and anxious.

The list above is very simple, and intuitive, yet many of us wake up in a panic without making any adjustments to our mental health routine in the AM. Bit by bit, you’ll get there, and if you commit to this practice on a consistent basis as your new and improved morning way of life, you will start appreciating your mornings more because of the sense of calm and wellness that it brings you into your new day.

References:

Rubin, G. (2009). The Happiness Project. Harper Collins.

Campbell, D. (2001). The Mozart Effect: Tapping the Power of Music to Heal the Body, Strengthen the Mind and Unlock the Creative Spirit. Quill.

Nakamura, A., Fujiwara, S., Matsumoto, I., Abe, K. (2009). Stress repression in restrained rats by (R)-(−)-linalool inhalation and gene expression profiling of their whole blood cells. Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry 2009 57 (12), 5480-5485. DOI: 10.1021/jf900420g

Cannard, G. (1996) The effect of aromatherapy in promoting relaxation and stress reduction in a general hospital. Complementary Therapies in Nursing & Midwifery, 2(2), 38-40.

Speca, M., Carlson, L.E., Goodey, E., & Angen, M. (2000). A randomized, wait-list controlled clinical trial: the effect of a mindfulness meditation-based stress reduction program on mood and symptoms of stress in cancer outpatients. Psychosomatic Medicine, 62(5), 613-22.

McCullough, M. E., Tsang, J.-A., & Emmons, R. A. (2004). Gratitude in Intermediate Affective Terrain: Links of Grateful Moods to Individual Differences and Daily Emotional Experience. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 86(2), 295–309. https://ift.tt/2QmMlEd

Kuiper, N.A., & Martin, R.A. (1998). Laughter and Stress in Daily Life: Relation to Positive and Negative Affect. Motivation and Emotion 22, 133–153. https://ift.tt/2ITbYIJ