Lisa Find Love

In today’s shelter-in-place world, it’s not just people with compromised immune systems who are at risk. The anxiety about contracting the coronavirus, paired with the inability to relieve stress by going to most places and events that are now unavailable, is increasing the severity of psychological or emotional conditions, such as depression, anxiety, relationship issues, and other personal challenges for many. 

Consequently, even in this short time, there’s more risk of substance abuse, suicide, domestic violence, and moving toward divorce. Others, who’ve felt fine before the coronavirus hijacked their ability to interact with others in ordinary ways, feel frightened or lonely. 

These situations point to a crying need for therapy, yet the shelter-in-place order means that treatment can’t happen in-person right now. But help is still possible; it’s merely occurring in different forms. Many clients are transitioning smoothly from in-person meetings to phone, or video sessions via Skype, Zoom, or a different option. Others are less comfortable about either making the switch or becoming a new therapy client. 

Telephone and Online Sessions Aren’t New Methods

Many therapists, including myself, have been providing phone and online therapy for some time, usually for special situations. A few examples: Someone moves too far away to continue office visits but wants to continue their treatment via Skype. A parent and adult child want to heal an estranged relationship, but one of them lives too far away for office visits. A couple wants to see a marriage therapist, but they live hundreds of miles away. Instead of in-person therapy, it happens on Skype.

As a former crisis line volunteer, I’m comfortable with telephone therapy; I’m sensitive to nuances of people’s voice tone, inflections, and frame of mind. Usually, adding the visual part via Skype, Zoom, or another online method is better, because body language and facial expressions convey so much more of our communication, and they’re missing in telephone therapy. Some clients prefer phone therapy, which works fine in many situations.

In video sessions, I can see smiles, misty eyes, and raised eyebrows. But some things are still missing. For example, a wife asked her husband during a recent Skype session with me why he was wringing his hands, which didn’t show on the screen. If she hadn’t mentioned this, I wouldn’t have known to ask him what was on his mind, because his face showed no angst.

While physical distancing is needed to help prevent the spread of the coronavirus, we do the best with what we have. Remote therapy is an effective way to gain help in living and loving more fully. Although the energy, chemistry, general aura present in office visits is lacking, there’s no reason to wait for therapy until it can happen in-person again.  

Meanwhile, some adjusting is occurring for all involved. Clients who tend to view their therapists as all-knowing may be surprised to find that their technology skills surpass those of the professional’s. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Realizing that their therapist, like them, is an imperfect human, can strengthen their bond, the “therapeutic alliance” which supports growth and change. 

Because my online video therapy practice had been on a very occasional basis until lately, I’ve had to do some mucking around to remember which links and buttons to click for Skype and Zoom, which is humbling and also okay. I know that I don’t know everything. I’m good at therapy and writing and am left in the dust about many other topics. So, we’re all adjusting, while appreciating that the work can continue with both ongoing and new clients. 

Both In-Person and Remote Therapy Have Advantages

Advantages exist for both in-person and remote therapy. Some people view office sessions as an excellent way to get some distance from their problems that concern them at home. They find that in their therapist’s office, it’s easier for them to see and deal with their challenges objectively. 

Also, remote sessions lack the energy or chemistry that in-person sessions have; the former kind can feel more like watching a show on television instead of in a theater.  

Yet, phone sessions can feel intimate while allowing a degree of privacy. For example, a mother and her adult child who want therapy to repair their estranged relationship may live too far away from each other for office sessions. The mother may choose phone therapy so she can hide her distressed facial expressions or body language when something her daughter says upsets her. She senses that it’s easier to control her voice tone and volume than her body’s movements. Also, she finds technology intimidating.

Both phone and video sessions save travel time and expenses for everyone. No one needs to leave home for therapy. 

Helping People Gain Comfort with Different Options

Many people who are not now in therapy but would benefit from it may think they need to wait until virus-related restrictions are lifted. Others who’ve been seeing a therapist in-person aren’t comfortable with changing to remote sessions. 

Some individuals who are already stressed may find it hard to commit to therapy that’s different from what they’ve come to expect, especially if they are at the stage of contemplating gaining professional help. Therapists can help them gain confidence in remote therapy by spending a few minutes trying out Zoom, Skype, or another service together a couple of days before a scheduled session. 

Others may be okay with the idea of remote therapy, but economic hardships resulting from closures of places where they worked, to prevent the spread of the virus, may keep them from seeking or continuing treatment. Therapists tend to be compassionate. Many will reduce the fee for financially-stressed clients, or offer them shorter sessions at half the cost, e.g., 25 minutes instead of 50. Some clients find that shorter sessions force them to plan, sharpen their focus, and be more concise.

Maximizing Benefits of Remote Therapy

By treating remote sessions like in-person ones, therapists and clients will ideally bring their most constructive selves to them. We do this by dressing and grooming ourselves similarly to how we do for office appointments. Doing so can make a huge difference, even if it doesn’t seem like it would. We’re more likely to bring alertness and clarity into sessions when dressed for business rather than for lounging at home in pajamas or workout clothes. 

What the future will bring in terms of where therapy will usually occur is uncertain. Remote treatment may become a standard way to be helped after the crisis has passed because people appreciate its advantages. Or in-person office visits will again be the primary way sessions are held. 

Flexibility, resourcefulness, and the ability to adapt to changing circumstances are signs of mental health. Anyone who needs assistance or support can receive it promptly. Remote therapy is available, effective, and convenient.  

Photo courtesy of Jessica Koblenz, PsyD.

Typically, the mental wellness field views DSM diagnoses as behavioral or biochemical in orientation and the treatment is generally a combination of talk therapy and psychotropic medications. Dr. Daniel Amen adds another layer to the mix. His experience informs his perspective that the ways in which our brains function play a role in behavior, addiction, anger, cognitive decline, and learning challenges. His approach destigmatizes these conditions since when viewed as a brain disorder they can be compared, without shame, to other medical diagnoses. 

“Your brain is the organ of your personality, character, and intelligence and is heavily involved in making you who you are,” he says.

Dr. Amen, Director of Amen Clinics is the author of Change Your Brain, Change Your Life “coined the term ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) in the early 1990’s after a hard day at the office, during which he had several very difficult sessions with suicidal patients, teenagers in turmoil, and a married couple who hated each other.

When he got home that evening, he found thousands of ants in his kitchen. As he started to clean them up, an acronym developed in his mind. He thought of his patients from that day — just like the infested kitchen, his patients’ brains were also infested by Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) that were robbing them of their joy and stealing their happiness.”

In addition, Dr. Amen has written Memory Rescue, and The Brain Warrior’s Way. His newest book, The End of Mental Illness: How Neuroscience Is Transforming Psychiatry and Helping Prevent or Reverse Mood and Anxiety Disorders, ADHD, Addictions, PTSD, Psychosis, Personality Disorders, and More strives to revolutionize the way we think about the conditions for which people seek relief. 

As part of a functional medicine approach, he also recommends fitness activities, nutritional awareness and cognitive restructuring. His smiling visage has been seen on numerous television screens and on YouTube videos as he simply explains how our brains are more than the three pound organ nestled in our skulls.

Edie: What drew you to the field of psychiatry?

Dr. Amen: When I was in medical school someone I loved tried to kill herself and I took her to see a wonderful psychiatrist. I came to realize if her helped her, it wouldn’t just help her but also later, her children and grandchildren as they would have been shaped by someone who was happier and more stable. I fell in love with psychiatry because I realized it could help generations of people.

Edie: How would you define mental health? 

Dr. Amen: The ability to use your brain and mind to create the life you want.

Edie: What, in your mind, constitutes mental illness?

Dr. Amen: I am not a fan of the term ‘mental illness’. These are brain health issues that steal your mind.

Edie: Throughout your career what trends have you noticed in rates of depression and anxiety? 

Dr. Amen: They are dramatically increasing.

Edie: What do you attribute them to?

Dr. Amen: Many societal factors, including poor diets, digital addictions, tox products we put on our bodies, obesity, increase in concussions and a lack of sleep.

Edie: As this article is coming out, we are in the midst of one of the most intensely trauma-inducing times in recent history; COVID-19 and the quarantine that we are under. Have you noticed an uptick in depression and anxiety?  

Dr. Amen: Yes, significantly, including suicidal behavior.

Edie: What suggestions do you have for people responding to the major changes they are faced with and the uncertainty with regard to the duration? 

Dr. Amen: Mental hygiene is as important as washing your hands. Get a routine that serves your health rather than hurts it.

Edie: How does trauma change the brain?

Dr. Amen: Both emotional and physical trauma change the brain but in opposite ways. Emotional trauma activates the brain’s limbic circuits, while physical trauma damages circuits.

Edie: How do you differentiate between the brain and the mind? 

Dr. Amen: The brain creates the mind — get your brain right and your mind will follow.

Edie: Please describe Brain SPECT imaging. 

Dr. Amen: It is a nuclear medicine study that evaluates blood flow and activity. It basically shows three things — good activity, too much or too little. 

Edie: How do you work with people who have symptoms of dementia?

Dr. Amen: We evaluate them clinically and also with SPECT. Then we use that information to work toward repairing the damage in their brains by preventing or treating the 11 major risk factors that steal their mind.

Edie: Does improving brain health help people with learning challenges? As a therapist, I work with children, teens and adults diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia.

Dr. Amen: Yes, it the first thing to do after a proper diagnosis.

Edie: Is attitudinal change part of what you encourage?

Dr. Amen: Yes. Love your brain. Become a brain warrior, where you are armed, prepared and aware to win the battle for your brain.

Edie: Is resilience a factor? 

Dr. Amen: Yes, I like the term “brain reserve,” which is the extra function to deal with whatever stress comes your way.

Edie: What is Brain Fit and how does it benefit those who use it? 

Dr. Amen: Brain Fit Life is our online and mobile program that helps people have brain health in their pocket and purse. They can test their brain, work their brain and engage with brain healthy habits.

Edie: How do addictions respond to brain change?  

Dr. Amen: Drugs, alcohol and marijuana can damage the brain, but it can often be repaired. Our SPECT work also taught me that there are six different brain types of addicts. Impulsive, compulsive, impulsive-compulsive, sad, anxious, and traumatic brain injury. Knowing your type is essential to getting well.

Edie: Have you found that PTSD can be treated with success?

Dr. Amen: Yes! But it starts with enhancing the brain. I also a fan of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).

Edie: Is there anything else you would like to share? 

Dr. Amen: With a better brain always comes a better life. My new book called The End of Mental Illness will begin a revolution in brain health.

Time has been a great mystery for many philosophers, mathematicians, physicists, and other great thinkers. We often ask ourselves, “Where has the time gone?” As we watch our parents age and our younger relatives grow up, time can be both painful and redeeming. Time is a key component of our daily lives, a guiding force for our behavior.

Adults seem to obsess over time that has passed swiftly and recall the days of long summers as a child. There is an ever-present nostalgia for being young again — a period when time seemed to move slowly, languorously. Research suggests that older people underestimate how much time has passed because our dopaminergic levels decrease as we age. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, a chemical that helps transmit signals between the nerve cells of the brain. This process leads us to perceive time as speeding up as we age.

However, there are several techniques we can use to slow down our perception of time — both practical and metaphysical — to “gain” more time. To be intentional about our perception of time requires learning to be childlike again, engaging in new activities, disconnecting from technology, paying attention to details, and meditating on mortality. 

Learn to Be a Child Again

Our perception of time changes as we experience adventure and do new things to stimulate the mind. We can learn to be curious again about new ideas. With new experiences, the brain creates new neural pathways, adapts to new experiences and information, and creates new memories. This allows the brain to focus and record memories more clearly, making it feel as if time is moving more slowly.

Because children are constantly dedicating significant neural resources and brain power to building new mental models, in an attempt to understand how the world works, children are constantly engaged in the moment. However, as adults we experience similar stimuli daily as we engage in routines. In order to maximize our perception of time, we must learn to be children again; we must attempt to explore new things in this world. We must be eager for adventure, to see and feel all that there is to experience. If we are able to break out of routine and engage the world with a childlike sense of wonder, the reward is feeling as if we have lived longer lives.

Engage in New Activities

Imagine a magician hands you a deck of cards. You riffle through and confirm that each card is unique. Now with a tap of the wand, she transforms the deck so every card is the same. This popular illusion is exactly what happens when we cease to invite new experiences into our life. When our days become a carbon copy of one another, we lose the ability to differentiate between them. We look back over the months spent on the same commute, in the same office, and fighting the same problems, with a diminished ability to separate those days in our mind. Our perception of time feels rushed and condensed. Compare the blur of mechanized work-life to a vacation where every day is distinct and filled with new experiences. You remember exactly what happened, who you were with, and where you went. This is the power of new experiences in shaping our perception of time. 

Dr. David Eagleman’s work examining how we perceive time was recently featured in an article in The New Yorker. According to Eagleman, the more vivid the details were in a memory, the longer that we perceive the moment to have lasted. Eagleman also said “childhood summers seem to go on forever, while old age slips by while we’re dozing. The more familiar the world becomes, the less information your brain writes down, and the more quickly time seems to pass.” Yet, by being more aware of our surroundings, making note of new experiences, we have the power to make it seem like our lives are longer, and we receive more of our scarcest resource: time.

Eagleman believes that even small changes can help us become more aware of what is happening around us; switching your watch to the opposite wrist or taking a different route to work can shake up your neural circuits — anything you can do to keep your brain from switching to auto-pilot. 

Pay Attention

When we live through dramatic events, such as near death experiences, research shows that people report time passes in slow motion. The perception of time is connected to the engagement and attention we provide in the moment; the more attention we provide, the more information we process, and the more time we perceive. Our brain has to speed up its data processing to react.

When our bodies sense a serious threat, the amygdala directs our brain’s resources to focus on the current situation. This ability was evolutionarily advantageous as it enabled humans to make quick decisions necessary for survival. This neural clock in the human brain perceives time through processes related to memory and attention, unlike our commonly known perceptions of clocks (the man-made items). So, when encountering something new, try paying close attention to the details and engaging in the moment’s beauty. Reflect on the sun’s rays hitting the leaves in the early morning. Listen to the birds sing. Almost as if by magic, you may feel time slow down. 

Learn to Disconnect

Researchers have discovered that technological advances and modern lifestyle have impacted our experience of time. Increases in the pace of life have been linked to physical and mental health issues. Our interactions with technological devices and systems make it feel as if time flows quickly.

In one study, over 70% of participants reported a dependence on everyday technologies and a considerable amount of time spent on social networking sites. Eighty-three percent of participants using technology reported they felt time moved faster than when they were not using technology. Individuals who spent more time using technology overestimated the passing of time, while individuals who used less technology were more accurate at estimating time. When we are present to the current experience, we feel as if we “have more” time and as if time moves more slowly.

Meditate on Mortality

Most of us don’t spend much of our lives pondering the thought of death and how short life could be. By understanding and being aware of our mortality, we are able to intensify every experience that we have.

Author Flannery O’Conner was diagnosed with a fatal disease that kept her close to death for many years, and yet she was able to write over two dozen short stories and two novels while suffering from lupus. The closeness of death showed her what really mattered in her life and how to better appreciate every moment and relationship.

When we continuously find ourselves outside our comfort zone, our awareness of the vivid arises. We gain an enhanced sense of smell, feel stronger emotions, and experience desires to extend the moment. By “meditating on mortality,” we can intensify our life experiences and extend our perception of time. Meditating on mortality is not just a focus on death — it is accepting our nature and refocusing our energy to meet death on our own terms when it comes.

Reflection

Time is our scarcest resource and most of us feel that we do not have enough of it. Yet, how quickly we perceive time to pass is dependent upon our perceptions. In other words, how we live our lives determines whether or not we experience time passing slowly or quickly.

Although we often feel threatened by things that we have no control over, getting more control over our perceptions of time will make it feel that time is not an enemy. When we immerse ourselves in new ideas and experiences, these enhanced efforts to focus on the present can slow our perceptions of time and enable us to derive the most from our scarcest resource in life — time.

Practice slowing down and experiencing the moment at hand. Take a new route home. Turn a fresh, childlike eye on the beauty and wonder that surrounds you in every moment. And finally, embrace novelty and change for what they are — harbingers of a long life.

As the world faces one of the most devastating diseases and the temporary remedy to keep it from spreading — quarantine, incidents of depression, anxiety and PTSD are on the upswing. Personal health and that of family and friends are at the top of most people’s lists of concerns. Financial instability, job loss, closing businesses, major change in activities, home schooling children, transitioning to working from home, are the practical considerations we are addressing.

The day to day news feed with information flying at us at the speed of thought, the overwhelming number of people who have contracted COVID-19 and those who have died from it assault our minds. Pre-existing mental health conditions are exacerbated, and therapists have noted an increase in the number of clients they are seeing. With what I call the marvels of modern technology, we are able to work with our clients via telehealth. It provides a sense of familiarity and comfort when the therapist is able to “visit” clients at home. I particularly appreciate that it gives me a sense of where they live. Teen clients have given me tours of their bedrooms, several clients have introduced me to their dogs and cats and others to their children, when they happened to wander in, needing the parent’s attention. Some have asked if we could continue using the platform after the office opens.

What several have acknowledged is that “self-solituding,” as I refer to it, is a breeze for them, since they are homebodies by inclination. Others notice that their social anxiety has diminished because they are in their safe haven. Children and adolescents who had performance anxiety find home schooling to be kinder to their sensitivities.

Those who miss time with their friends and family have made use of Zoom, FaceTime and texting to remain in contact. I, too, am grateful for those methods that make physical distancing (I don’t call it social distancing) more palatable. Daily contact with my son, daughter-in-law and now 3-month-old grandson is an emotional lifeline as I am sequestered on my own. As a social butterfly who thrives on interaction and physical contact, I too am experiencing the affects even while my body remains healthy.

What is the difference between resilience and strength?

Many cultures revere strength… gotta be strong… gotta stand firm, when in reality, flexibility and resilience are equally valuable. Nature provides us with powerful examples. When in the ocean, bending to the waves is less likely to get you knocked on your butt, than standing solid against the water. A willow tree that bends is more likely to withstand the storm than an oak tree that stands firm.

I had a firsthand experience of that many years ago. While leaving the grounds of the hospital where I worked, to go to lunch, in the midst of a September storm, the wind was whipping furiously. I parked the car by the admissions building to drop off paperwork. Before me was the lovely tree lined driveway where 50- to 60-foot tall oaks stood sentry. I had this fleeting thought: “Wouldn’t it be something if one of these trees came down?” …. BLAM! No sooner had that image crossed my mind, then one did just that right before my ever-widening eyes. I had a few simultaneous thoughts “Thank God no one was coming down the driveway at that moment,” and “Holy smokes, what did you do?” I knew on some level that I didn’t cause the tree to crash earthward, but realizing how tapped in we are all, I did take credit for being aware of the possibilities, at least on an unconscious level. While that tree uprooted itself, the nearby willow trees merely lost a few branches.

Entrepreneur and speaker Roger Crawford who wrote the book How High Can You Bounce? was born with congenital “challenges” such as missing fingers and his leg from the knee down, Roger became a champion athlete and for the past several decades has spoken worldwide to audiences mesmerized by his passion for life. I love his quote: “Challenges are inevitable, defeat is optional.”  

I have come to understand that the statement “Most people do the best they can, given their circumstances.”, is incomplete. Rather, I see that “Most people do the best they are WILLING to do, given their current mindset/attitude/world view.”  Each day, I see folks surpass their former beliefs of what is so and what is possible. We are being called on to do that more than ever.

In the midst of this worldwide crisis situation, I asked people to share their resiliency strategies. Here’s what they said:

“I am home with two of my kids, one an adult, the other a teen. We have instituted a family check in at 11, a family meal in the evening, I call my mom (who is in a retirement center) each evening around 6:30 and read her a short story that my kids listen to as well and we usually watch a movie together after that. Having a daily schedule helps us, we tried just winging it and we just kinda stayed in bed late, didn’t clean, got distracted and down. I am exercising every day at least a little. We are going to add a dance party at 5 to the mix as well. We laugh together a lot. We video chat with my oldest birth daughter. These things help to get us through.”

“My resilience is based on a combination of creativity and consistency. I have always crocheted blankets for various causes, and I like to get creative with them, so I still crochet blankets for various causes now. That bit of familiar consistency is something to fall back on and will endure for as long as my (admittedly large) yarn stash does.”

“Well I have been painting. I have an art degree but have a hard time settling down to paint because I have always had to work to make a living. The other thing is I’m asking questions rather than just taking what main-stream media has to say about this virus. I’m angry that they are fear mongers. I really feel in my gut something bigger is going on here.”

“Resiliency: chanting or singing psalms, going easy on myself, having a schedule, staying in touch with my family and friends. A very important one is knowing that there is another side to this, and we’ll get there, so I guess it boils down to hope. The end of Passover is when it is said that the Israelites crossed the sea of reeds, the sea of obstacles and Miriam and the women took their timbrels out and all the women danced. Keeping one’s eye on getting to the other side.”

“Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I was labeled a ‘daydreamer’, a ‘flake’, an ‘airhead.’ ‘Head in the clouds.’ I was often focused on my inner thoughts. I had imaginary friends that I would talk to and have tea parties with. Now I find these very qualities are helping me with my isolation. I feel calm and seem to always find something interesting to read or learn about.”

These thoughts have helped me through the past five weeks. Just trust and learn to adjust. When you fall on your ass, sometimes what it takes to get up is Accepting Spiritual Support. In the face of tumultuous storms, I have learned to batten down the hatches, ride the waves, and weather the winds of change. Those things have kept me from drowning. When the tempest has passed, I celebrate the sun. I look forward to ‘celebrating the sun’ with a joyful reunion with family and friends.

Who will you be on the other side of this? How high will you have bounced?

Strong-willed people are successful, yet those who are willful often sabotage their success. Willful individuals can be fiercely stubborn in their opinions and pursuit of their goals, ignoring what other people think and need. They often fiercely force their will despite obstacles or negative implications. Their behavior has obsessive and compulsive qualities in that they’re unable to let go. 

In contrast, a strong-minded person accepts life on life’s terms, which provides a solid basis for constructive, effective action that is well-considered and not compulsive.

Self-Will

One of the early authors on codependency, psychiatrist Timmen Cermak, believed that codependents and addicts “control their lives by sheer force of will.” The book Alcoholics Anonymous attributes the phrase “self-will run riot” to selfishness, “driven by fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity.” When we’re motivated by self-will, we may deny reality and sound advice and manipulate people and facts to achieve our goal. We’re willing to take risks that may provoke retaliation or jeopardize job security, peace of mind, and relationships. Some addicts, narcissists, or sociopaths lie, exploit others, and act unethically or illegally to achieve their goals.

Codependency and Control

Control is a primary symptom of addiction and codependency. Codependents have a dysfunctional relationship to their will. Sometimes, we’re passive and don’t exercise it effectively. Some of us have never learned to assert our wants and needs or make decisions. Instead, we don’t act or relinquish control and defer to others. 

Other times, we attempt to force our will on people and situations over which we’re powerless. We have difficulty accepting reality and believe that things should be different. Our denial leads to anger and resentment. We become easily frustrated when things don’t go as we expect or when people don’t behave the way we think they should. There is a certain amount of pride and arrogance in this assumption. Psychiatrist Abraham Twerski adds that the addictive thinking that underlies controlling behavior exemplifies “a delusion of omnipotence.”

Because we lack a sense of power in our lives, we instead try to manipulate and control the lives of others. Rather than take responsibility for our own happiness, which would be empowering, our attention is external and focused on changing others and forcing solutions. We haven’t learned to attend to our needs directly and assertively, so instead we try to control others in order to feel okay. We think, “I’ll change him (or her) to do what I want, and then I’ll be happy.” This behavior is based on the erroneous beliefs that we can change others and that our happiness depends on them. But when our expectations aren’t met, we feel more helpless and powerless.  

In trying to change things we can’t, we’re exerting fruitless efforts in unproductive ways, often creating more problems and feelings of hopelessness and victimization. It’s hard enough to change ourselves! The first step of Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, and Codependents Anonymous addresses control, suggesting that we admit our powerlessness over things we can’t control.

The Cause of Willfulness

Codependents generally grow up in families where power was exercised over them in a dominant-submissive pattern. When personal power and self-worth aren’t encouraged, we come to believe that we have none. We’re afraid of our own power and that it will alienate other people. To feel safe and loved, we learn to accommodate and people-please. Repeating this pattern in adult relationships can lead to unhappiness and being abused or exploited.

On the other hand, some children decide the best way to feel safe and get their needs met is to wield power. They’re rebellious or aggressively seek power over others. In hierarchical families, children also mimic controlling parents by dominating and teasing siblings. They treat others the way that they have been treated. This strategy breeds fear and resentment in relationships and makes other people withdraw or behave in passive-aggressive ways.

Willful vs. Strong-Willed

Having a strong will is having a strong mind. It is in many ways the opposite of being willful or codependent. Whereas willfulness derives from fear and insecurity, strong-minded people are confident and secure. This fundamental difference explains the ways in which these personality types are dissimilar. 

Willful Controllers

Fear is what makes self-willed people headstrong. They’re so afraid of losing something or someone that they’re driven to control situations. This is also why they ignore wise advice, critical feedback, or contrary facts that threaten their shaky self-esteem or present obstacles to achieving their objective. 

Some willful people refute all authority and stop at nothing to get their way. Their tactics may vary from manipulation to criminality. They believe that they’re right and strive to attain their goals, but their thinking and insecurities limit them. Fearing failure, they procrastinate and become paralyzed by seeking perfection and focusing on limitations and obstacles. They may deny their fear and impulsively take unwarranted risks, or be risk-averse and unwilling to try new things. They can be so compulsively single-minded that they’re blind to alternate solutions and new opportunities as well as potential adverse consequences.

Willful people are uncompromising negotiators who insist on winning every point. They can nag and argue relentlessly in an attempt to persuade the unpersuadable. They can lose their perspective and overlook important aspects of a deal. They may prevail, but lose opportunities, relationships, and their reputation. In the long run, a cooperative, working partnership in an ongoing venture is far more valuable.

Fear makes people behave compulsively and unable to be flexible and let go. Their anxiety can cause them to over think things, get easily distracted, and avoid taking action and making decisions by procrastinating or wasting time with nonproductive busy work.

Strong-Willed Influencers

In contrast, strong-willed people are confident and have nothing to prove. They’re clear about their purpose and goals and prioritize their time and activities. They’re decisive risk-takers and don’t delay, seek validation, or wait for permission. Consequently, they’re uninhibited by fear of failure, disapproval, or rejection. Unafraid, they’re willing to take the initiative. They don’t mind being different or making mistakes. Rather than fearing the shame that failure might cause, they evaluate and learn from their missteps. Their confidence also makes them unafraid to experiment and think outside the box. For example, because they’re open-minded and not compulsive, they’re able to allow their imagination to present new directions and creative solutions, 

They’re execution-oriented and focus on solutions and getting things done. Like the Serenity Prayer suggests, they accept what they cannot change and have the courage to change what they can. Thus, they compromise when necessary in order to move projects forward. Confidence keeps their ego at bay, so that they’re willing to learn, and adapt. They seek cooperation and to influence others, but they don’t waste time trying to control or argue with resistant people. 

It’s a fact that successful people say “no” a lot. They value their time spent with others and with themselves. As a result, strong-willed people are clear about their boundaries with themselves and with other people. Their energy is focused and purposeful. They have the persistence and self-discipline to accomplish their goals, whether it’s learning a new skill, cleaning out the garage, or building a business. Their strong will enables them to have patience, presence, and an ability to defer gratification. They don’t waste time with self-defeating habits or addictive behavior.

Strong-minded people don’t lose sight of the bigger picture, including the moral dimensions. Firm boundaries protect their values and integrity. They don’t tolerate bad behavior in other people out of fear. They’re steadfast about what’s important to them, but also flexible and able to listen and ask questions. 

Becoming Strong-Minded

Healing codependency and becoming more independent develop our will, which to a large part is disabled by fear and anxiety. Shame breeds insecurity, fear, and anxiety. 

© Darlene Lancer 2020

During the life-saving restrictions of lockdown, how can we adapt our usual self-care practices to work with this daunting challenge we all face, or invest time into looking after our mind and body when this is unfamiliar to us? It might seem selfish to focus on ourselves when so many people are vulnerable and facing illness and hardship, but this is when our wellbeing becomes crucial, as without energy reserves and resilience we cannot help our families and wider communities.

While we may be juggling a different mix of responsibilities than usual; key workers may be busier than ever (unassuming superheroes that they are) while others work from home or have lost their usual employment. Parents may find themselves burnt out from keeping their kids entertained and schooled at home, with the usual activities off-limits.

If we try to live and eat well as much as we can, this can also boost our immune system to fight off the Coronavirus and other infections, which we will need for our essential errands and life after lockdown. So whether we have limited spare time or unstructured days based at home, we will see benefits from fitting in a self-care practice.

Making Health a Priority

For those of us with more time on our hands, it can feel overwhelming to keep up with overachievers that broadcast their success on social media. Remember that people mostly share their positive experiences so although you won’t see their low moments, we all have them. Maybe you’ve had days where you eat junk all day, binge watch TV and drink more than you meant to. Across the world, we are all facing the same frightening pandemic and its fallout, so be kind and forgive yourself when you have a bad day – no one’s perfect.

You will find that some routine and boundaries will improve your state of mind, especially if you have existing mental health conditions like anxiety, depression or OCD. Keeping sleeping patterns regular, getting washed and dressed each day, and eating meals at similar times of the day gives us a predictable structure to build on. But keep some flexibility in your schedule to allow for the unexpected, we are only human after all.

Ideas for Self-Care

Here are some more suggestions for you to try out, none of which require any new purchases unless you wish to:

1. Optimize your diet. Many of us have more time than before to prepare meals and look up new recipes, which we can factor into our online or essential shopping trip. Do you have a local company which delivers fresh fruit and veg? Try to eat bright, varied and unprocessed food whenever possible, you should feel better for all the right nutrients. Allow yourself occasional indulgences or treats too! Jump on the banana bread bandwagon.
2. Limit your online scrolling. We all find ourselves mindlessly staring at social media feeds and the troubling news stories at times, they are designed to hook our brains. You can download apps to monitor or manage your use of certain apps. Take days off from bad news and digital content which stresses you out. 
3. Connect with others. Having said that social media can be unhelpful when passively consumed, there are so many tools now to keep in touch with our loved ones. This is so important when we are physically separated. Check in with your circle, especially if you need help or think someone you know might. Remember that “no man is an island”.
4. Discover everyday joy. What makes you feel happy? It might be a long scented bath with candles, watching a favorite old movie, listening to upbeat music, watching the local wildlife emerging for spring. Take a little time to do whatever makes you feel good (guilty pleasures totally included), especially hobbies you may neglect in the usual rat race. What are you grateful to have in your life?
5. Express yourself. We are all missing our normal socializing and getting out of the house in the spring sunshine, and it may feel that we are more alone with our thoughts. It is natural to feel worried and upset about the unfolding crisis, but it is not healthy to bottle up and dwell on these worries too much. Try free-writing your thoughts to get them on paper, or writing a letter to someone even if you don’t send it. Channel your feelings in whatever format helps you, but if you worry constantly, plan a fixed amount of time for this.
6. Stay organized. We may have a family to feed, an endless to-do list and many tasks we cannot avoid, but it is much easier to function in a tidy environment which makes us feel at ease. This is more difficult in shared spaces, but only focus on what is within your control. Now might be a good time for spring cleaning and making your home as pleasant as possible since we have to spend most of our time there for now. Try looking up Marie Kondo’s methods.
7. Set a time. Whether you live alone or in a busy household, with activities and social catch-ups it is easier to follow through if you commit to a time. This explains why online quizzes have become such a popular way for friends to stay in touch. Without the usual gym classes, appointments and events to attend, we have to create our own deadlines and timings for the lockdown equivalents. 
8. Find a coping method. When the situation feels overwhelming and you are awash with anxiety, do you have a technique to calm down? Our flight or fight response is a natural defense mechanism, but when it is triggered by abstract or longterm threats it becomes unhelpful and can be very unpleasant. Now is an ideal time to try out a breathing exercise, meditation or guided relaxation. There are many free apps and articles on the subject, such as focusing on your immediate surroundings and physical details that you can sense around you. Arm yourself with knowledge for when it gets too much.

Without belittling the very real suffering that COVID-19 is causing many, while we may feel helpless at times we can choose to stay hopeful, to tap into our inner strength and remember that while we are isolated we don’t have to go through it alone. Let’s try to handle this crisis with compassion and keep up our self-care practice, so we can weather this storm together and emerge from the other side with greater understanding for the struggles we all have to face.

Each person’s experience with the COVID-19 pandemic is unique. There are, however, some overriding themes and key takeaways on coping, mental health aspects, what we’re learning about ourselves and how we can prepare to eventually return to work. To gain some insight into this topic, I spoke with Dr. Anita Gadhia-Smith, PsyD, LCSW-C, LICSW, Clinical Social Work/Therapist in Washington, and Bethesda, MD.

What are some of the overall mental health effects of the COVID-19 pandemic?

The COVID-19 pandemic has created a level of fear, anxiety, trauma, and PTSD in the culture that we have not known in our lifetimes. Uncertainty, chaos, and a sense of dread have been unparalleled. Many people have lost businesses and financial income, causing despair, hopelessness and suicidal issues. 

If our culture can try to take the gifts that this experience is offering us, we may be able to make some positive meaning out of this trauma. Trauma often has a way of bringing out our greatest strengths and creating resilience. Many of us will find out that we are much more resilient than we ever thought we could be. We will make it through this, and we may come to  value each other more than ever.

What are you seeing in your practice as your clients express their mental health concerns?

I have continued to work full-time with my patients during COVID-19. The need for mental health treatment at this time is as great as the need for treatment for physical health. I have seen an increase in anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and insomnia among other mental health issues since the onset of COVID-19.

My work now is mostly through teletherapy. Although many people are more physically isolated from others, there has also been more reaching out to others, including those with whom we haven’t communicated in a while, and a deeper sense of intimacy. While we may be farther apart, we can be closer emotionally and spiritually.

What concerns do parents express concerning their children’s well-being during this crisis?

With parents and children, there are varying issues. Parents of young children are having increased demands on their time, since they may be working at home and homeschooling simultaneously. This can lead to a great deal of stress for the parents, although many young children seem to be very happy to stay home, relax, study, and play video games to keep in touch with their friends. Gaming addiction has become a greater issue for some young adults, as they cannot have contact with their friends easily, and most of them do not talk on the phone. They get together with their friends over games, and many parents are concerned about the amount of time spent in these activities.

There also seems to be more tension among older college aged children returning home. They had been free and independent at school, and have now had to return home to live under the rule of their parents. Parents had also gotten used to having freedom from their children, and there can be a lot of tension and stress with young adults and parents because of the abrupt change in everyone’s freedom.

What are some of the positive and negative behaviors you’re seeing emerge during the coronavirus pandemic?

One of the effects of COVID-19 is that it has unmasked each of us. Whatever has been lurking under the surface of the outer face we present to the world has risen closer to the surface for us to deal with. For some it is fear, anxiety, or anger. For others, it has been increased faith and trust, knowing that we will get through this, and that crisis can and will bring great opportunity. We all have the opportunity to improve the quality of our lives, eliminating distractions, and making time for what is most important in our lives. We have learned what the word “essential” really means.

Because of the level of stress on the culture, the COVID-19 crisis has caused many people to regress to more primitive thinking, i.e., black-and-white thinking, where people are all good or all bad. There is a lot of blame and hatred being expressed, at a time where most people are trying to do the best they can to cope with this and even make things better. In psychological health and maturity, we are able to see both the good and the bad in others and able to take the good and leave the rest.

How can people best prepare themselves and their families for returning to work? Can you share some tips?

Many of the patients that I work with are eager to get back to work, not only for financial reasons, but also to have their regular routine resume and to experience the feeling of normalcy. Our routines give us inner stabilization and help us to regulate ourselves emotionally and psychologically, as well as physically.

As for recommendations, parents can prepare their kids for when they have to go back to work by providing structure and accountability for how their time is spent. Staying on a schedule, having a routine, and balancing structure in freedom will help with these transitions.

Self-care is extremely important and getting ready to return to work. This means attending to nutrition, sleep, exercise, and mental health care. Practicing safety recommendations is critical, and will continue to be so for some time to come. 

As an employee, you need to be able to communicate with your employer about what your health and safety concerns are, and to be assured that the employer is taking appropriate measures to keep the workplace setting safe and healthy. This can include cleaning practices, more teleworking,  restructuring certain work activities, and maintaining appropriate social distancing.

Even if safety guidelines are lifted, each of us has to practice safety measures that give us the individual peace of mind that we need and deserve. This will likely mean a gradual loosening of guidelines, each at our own pace and comfort level. We won’t do this all at once, but it will happen, slowly but surely. 

How has the pandemic affected you personally?

I’ve personally noticed these effects of the COVID-19 pandemic:

POSITIVE EFFECTS

• More quiet time
• More sleep
• New routine 
• Greater reflection
• Increased spiritual activity and seeking closer relationship with god 
• Less rushing
• Less overscheduled
• More clarity about what matters in life and what is essential
• Superfluous activities have fallen away
• Recognition of the preciousness of each day and life itself
• More focus on the love that I have for people in my life 
• Enhanced time consciousness

NEGATIVE EFFECTS

• Fear of illness and loss of life, activities and/or loved ones 
• The fear comes and goes 

Any final thoughts?

COVID-19 has put into sharp focus what our values and priorities are. We have all learned a lot about ourselves and about what really matters in life. We have all learned what is essential for us. 

Intergenerational transmission of trauma may be understood as the ongoing impact of traumatic events and situations that happened in prior generations and continues to impact the current generation. Trauma can be passed down through a multitude of factors, including epigenetic processes that increase vulnerability to various mental disorders ¹, repeated patterns of abusive or neglectful behavior, poor parent-child relationships, negative beliefs about parenting, personality disorders, substance abuse, family violence, sexual abuse, and unhealthy behavior patterns and attitudes ².

In some families, poor parenting and unsupportive family relationships are seen as normal and these patterns repeat — and cause damage — in subsequent generations.

Many families hide sexual abuse for generations. Sexual, physical, and emotional abuse creates a highly toxic and damaging emotional atmosphere and warps interactions within the family.

In families where there is a history of abuse, shame can become deeply ingrained. Internalized feelings of shame will damage perceptions of self that can lead to self-blame and self-harm. Shame can also encourage silence and avoidance of asking for help, leading to problems with finding closure or healing from early or ongoing trauma.³

Awareness, Education, and Understanding

Awareness of intergenerational trauma can help reduce shame. Understanding how and why abuse and trauma are transmitted through the generations can increase compassion towards ourselves and our family members. Understanding is often the first step in making a decision to seek help.

Understanding Trauma Bonding can help us gain an objective perspective on our need to continue abusive relationships. Trauma Bonding can occur in families and intimate relationships where patterns of violence and emotional abuse are interchanged with reconciliation and nurturing.⁴ This zig-zag can be especially damaging for children who only experience cycles of abuse-reconciliation-nurturing followed by abuse again as they grow up. Understandably, as these children mature then they often repeat these patterns in their own intimate relationships and families.

Understanding how anxiety is another symptom of people raised in traumatic family environments can also help broaden perspective. Anxiety can be passed down through the generations even without abuse. In a healthy nurturing environment, we learn to cope with uncertainty and learn to soothe our fears early in childhood. These coping abilities are developed through interactions and contact with emotionally stable and supportive caregivers. If children do not have access to consistent and supportive caregiving, they miss out on important opportunities to develop coping skills and emotion regulation abilities on biological, emotional, and cognitive levels ⁵. A mother may treat her children as well as she can, but if she lacks the ability to cope with anxiety, it is difficult if not impossible for her to teach these skills to her own children.

Healing future generations through therapy today.

If you are experiencing the effects of intergenerational trauma, consider working with a therapist who is trained in trauma and understands the intergenerational transmission of trauma. A therapist with training in intergenerational trauma can help you begin the process of healing.

When you work through underlying issues and learn about the nature of intergenerational trauma, the effect of therapy can go beyond your personal experience. As you learn, heal, and grow, you can stop the cycle for yourself, your children, and your grandchildren.

References

1. Bielawski, T., Misiak, B., Moustafa, A., & Frydecka, D. (2019). Epigenetic mechanisms, trauma, and psychopathology: targeting chromatin remodeling complexes. Reviews in the Neurosciences, 30(6), 595-604.
2. The Association for Child and Adolescent Mental Health (ACAMH). Should mental health professionals understand intergenerational trauma? Retrieved from https://www.acamh.org/blog/intergenerational-trauma/
3. Aguiar, W., & Halseth, R. (2015). Aboriginal peoples and historic trauma: the processes of intergenerational transmission. National Collaborating Centre for Aboriginal Health (NCCAH)
4. Levendosky, A. A., & Graham-Bermann, S. A. (2000). Trauma and parenting in battered women: An addition to an ecological model of parenting. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 3(1), 25-35.
5. Schore, A. N. (2002). Dysregulation of the right brain: a fundamental mechanism of traumatic attachment and the psychopathogenesis of posttraumatic stress disorder. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 36(1), 9-30.

Every 107 seconds, someone in America is sexually assaulted. The vast majority are adolescent women. Each of us can learn something and do something safely to make a huge difference to reduce risk, prevent trauma, and help more people heal.

While victims include men, adult women, and children, sexual assault is most prevalent among women of high school and college age:

• 91% of the victims of rape and sexual assault are female; 9% are male ¹
• 44% of victims are under age 18 (high school age)²
• 80% of victims are under age 30 ²
• 1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted while in college ¹
• About 4 in 5 assaults are committed by a person known to the victim ²

What Is Sexual Assault?

Sexual assault consists of any unwanted sexual touch. While it includes rape and groping, any “sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent” is sexual assault, says RAINN (The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network).

The degree of violence does not matter. Rape and drug-facilitated sexual assault are two of the most recognizable forms of sexual assault. But assault can also happen when someone rubs up against your body without your consent. It can happen with any uninvited touching or holding that violates your personal space and boundaries.

Placing Responsibility for Sexual Assault Where It Belongs

We need to question and challenge attitudes that blame the victim: “Oh, well what was she wearing? Was she drinking? Or did she lead him on?” This view comes from ignorance or misinformation and needs to change.

Sexual assault is in no way the victim’s fault. What a person is wearing, whether they are smiling, flirting, partying, or whether they are drunk or sober does not matter. Unless that person freely says “yes” to sexual behavior, that behavior counts as assault.

Victims of assault need to know: You did nothing wrong in that moment. You just happened to be there. And then this person decided that your body was up for grabs.

The more attention and awareness we can bring to examine our biases around sexual assault, the more I hope we can reduce the incidents of assault and the suffering and shame of survivors.

Why Failure to Resist Does NOT Mean Consent

Without awareness and education, attitudes and misinformation can make difficult to recognize sexual assault when it occurs. Some people mistakenly fault the victim who does not appear to say no to what is happening. We need to know that victims may freeze with terror that is triggered when someone violates their sense of safety — this is especially true for survivors of prior traumas.

Most of us understand the “fight, flight, or freeze” response to fear. Once triggered, our neurobiology takes over, and it is very hard to shut off. When a sense of danger overwhelms the nervous system, it is not uncommon for sexual assault victims to freeze.

As a primal reflex, freezing can increase the odds of survival. After all, if your victim isn’t fighting, why not ease up the attack and save your energy? Unfortunately, freezing rarely enables escape from a person who is intent on forcing sexual activity on someone else.

When a person feels violated, especially for a person with a trauma history, paralyzing fear is common. It’s a misunderstanding that victims do nothing to resist assault. What they do is freeze to survive the overwhelming trauma happening in that moment.

It is never right to blame the victim for what happened, no matter what they are wearing or where they happen to be, or whether they failed to stop it.

How to Reduce Your Risk

Basic personal safety is key to prevention.

It is important to remember that the vast majority of sexual assaults happen in a setting with people you know. Tips for staying safe include:

• Make sure you go to social events with people you know are safe.
• Plan ahead of time to look out for each other. Have plans to check in with each other and make sure each of you is okay.
• If you are going to be drinking, watch your drink and don’t accept open drinks from others.
• Agree to go with a designated non-drinker who knowingly takes the role of watching that the situation stays safe.
• Know your limits when it comes to drinking. Think about how to remain aware enough to make safe choices and follow your gut when something doesn’t feel right.

Helping Others Reduce Their Risk

As one person, you may feel too insignificant to matter. Please know that the difference you can make is huge. Because so many acts of assault begin in social settings, a bystander can interrupt in safe and helpful ways to help prevent an assault.

Follow your gut. If a situation does not look right, and it feels safe to interrupt, say something:

• Hey, I’ve been looking for you — we need to talk…
• How’s it going? Is that okay with you?
• Sorry, but we have to leave.

If a situation looks unsafe, you can get the attention of someone in charge, such as a security guard or someone working at the venue to help intervene, or call 911.

For bystanders, RAINN provides the helpful cue CARE: Create a distraction, Ask Directly, Refer to an authority, or Enlist others. RAINN provides more resources for safety planning, campus safety, and how bystanders can help.

Recovering from Sexual Assault

If you have experienced sexual assault, it is not your fault — even though you may be feeling guilty, ashamed, even devastated and worthless after what happened. Know that it is possible for you to take care of yourself and heal, and it is not too late to begin.

The important thing to do is tell someone you can trust about what happened. If you do not know someone you can trust, there are local and national resources you can call to talk to someone who is trained to listen, and guide you responsibly to the help you need. See More Resources below.

Signs of Change in the Media, On Campus and in the Legal System

Fortunately, thanks to the hard work of victims, doctors, therapists and advocates, more people are starting to recognize sexual assault for what it is — a trauma and a crime that needs greater awareness and prevention.

The Washington Post quoted 50 verbatim accounts of sexual assault from its poll of over 1,000 college students, empowering victims to speak out to a public audience. More colleges are holding surveys of students to learn the extent of unwanted sexual behavior to see what is happening and put better safeguards in place. Celebrities including Lady Gaga and Mary J. Blige are using their music as a powerful way to reach survivors and challenge the bias of blame.

Lawmakers are beginning to help better protect the rights of rape victims. State Department official and rape survivor Amanda Nguyen has been a forceful advocate for a bill now introduced to Congress: the Sexual Assault Survivors’ Rights Act, which aims to protect victims’ rights to their evidence, whether or not they decide to press charges.

Your Voice Matters

If you think your voice is too small to matter, please know it does matter. If you think you alone can’t make a difference, that is not true: you can make a huge difference. Each of us can learn something to help prevent the next incident, and empower another victim to get help.

Sexual assault happens too often and devastates too many lives for us to accept without greater awareness. It is so important for all of us to educate ourselves about what we can do.

Where These Numbers Came From

1. Statistics About Sexual Violence, National Sexual Violence Resource Center
2. Statistics, Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN)

More Resources

Education and Support for Victims of Sexual Assault:

• RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) has excellent educational resources support for victims, and a hotline: About Sexual Assault, Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE
• Survivors of Incest Anonymous

Advocacy

• No More, a campaign for public awareness and to help engage bystanders in ending domestic violence and sexual assault
• RISE (to support passage of the Sexual Assault Survivor’s Bill of Rights)

When we think about people who are behind bars for crimes simple or heinous, our minds take us to a place of judgment. We may view inmates as less than: less intelligent, less successful, less worthy of love and support. We may see them as “other.” The reality is, we may all be a few experiences away from potentially committing a crime.

A video that poignantly highlights the dynamics that could lead to incarceration is called Step Inside the Circle. It begins with a group of 235 men in blue uniforms in a yard of a maximum-security prison. Barbed wire and guards surround them. They tower over a petite blond woman wearing a black and white t-shirt that says There Is No Shame. She carries a megaphone through which she invites them to step inside the circle if they have experienced verbal or physical abuse and neglect, if they lived in a home without feeling loved, if they had given up on themselves. One by one and then in multitudes, they join Fritzi Horstman as together they chant “There is no shame,” over and over.

Horstman is a Grammy Award winning filmmaker and founder of the Compassion Prison Project who endeavors to offer those who might feel like throwaways a way out of the darkness of shame and self-deprecation. Many of these ‘tough guys,’ some with multiple tattoos, scars and wounds that can’t be seen, dissolve into tears.

A group of them move indoors and sit in a circle of chairs with Horstman admitting her own wounds that led to criminal activity. She was physically abused by her mother who she describes as a rageaholic, her father was an alcoholic, and she had been sexually abused by someone she didn’t identify. Because she was white and female, she says, she escaped the fate that they couldn’t. That opened the door for the participants to describe the wounds they have carried for much of their lives. One acknowledged being a traumatized child raised by a traumatized child. Another shared that he was unwanted and that his mother had hidden her pregnancy and when he was born, tried to flush him down the toilet. The other men were visibly moved, some wiping their eyes, some providing brotherly support and admitted that they were breaking the code by being vulnerable, claiming their trauma history. They discovered that it was a unifying experience and they felt less isolated as a result.

Looking at the faces of those in the circle, they were disproportionally Black or Latino. A few White men sat among their peers. Statistically, 1 in 3 black men and 1 in 6 Latino men is likely to spend time in prison in their lifetime, as compared to 1 in 17 white men.

ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) was the common thread that wove through the lives of these men many of whom are likely to someday re-enter society as returning citizens. Unless it is addressed and the affects treated therapeutically and compassionately, the wounds are likely to deepen, and recidivism is almost a certainty.

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, ACE is defined as:

“potentially traumatic events that occur in childhood (0-17 years).

For example:

• experiencing violence, abuse, or neglect
• witnessing violence in the home or community
• having a family member attempt or die by suicide

Also included are aspects of the child’s environment that can undermine their sense of safety, stability, and bonding such as growing up in a household with:

• substance misuse
• mental health problems
• instability due to parental separation or household members being in jail or prison”

ACEs impact on the lives of the survivors in a multitude of ways that include poor self-image, addiction, self-injury, depression, anxiety, risk taking behaviors, suicide attempts, eating disorders, difficulty formulating healthy relationships, perpetrating against others as they were preyed upon, and other forms of criminal activity.

A study was done by Kaiser Permanente and the CDC that resulted in a clear correlation between ACEs and violent and criminal behavior, stating, in one part of the study, “These results, which strongly link a history of sexual abuse to violence—inclusive of sexual violence—later in life, echo the results of meta-analytic research, which found that adult male sexual offenders were more than 3 times as likely to have had histories of sexual abuse in their childhoods, compared with a nonsexual (but criminal) comparison group.”

Ways to ameliorate the impact include:

• Education about ACEs and their repercussions
• Learn self-compassion
• Address the trauma with a competent therapist
• Work within family systems to evoke change in dynamics
• Seek and receive career support to lift the person out of the poverty that may have contributed to the circumstances.
• Addiction treatment and 12 Step meetings (available on-line as well as in person)
• Reminders that the person can break the cycle of abuse and addiction
• Peer support groups such as New Beginnings/Next Step
• Journal about the experiences and then re-scripting the narrative about the life story
• Meditation
• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
• Remember the saying “I have survived everything that has ever happened in my life.”
• Trauma Informed Yoga
• Learn your signs of fight, flight or freeze mode
• Choose healthy role models
• Take a leadership role in the lives of others who are survivors of childhood trauma
• Talk to survivors who have become thrivers
• Know that you can make a fresh start

Your history is not your destiny.