Lisa Find Love

I had an idyllic childhood. I was a cheery kid with great parents, raised in a wonderful neighborhood, always cared for and never wanted for anything. When people hear this background from someone whose addiction was so strong that they planned their methamphetamine use around their pregnancy, it can be hard to reconcile. There is no blueprint for addiction; this disease has no face. Not one person in my life would have guessed I’d be homeless with multiple DUIs, totaled a number of vehicles, and would have my son taken away by authorities twice before his second birthday, but it happened. And despite how absurd it may sound, having my son taken away from me is what saved my life.   

At 14, I was a high school freshman dealing with weight issues, vicious bullying and low self-esteem. This experience left me with few friends, so when the group of cool kids invited me to a party, I went. That’s when my drinking started — leading eventually to other substances and behavioral issues. I barely graduated with my class, and even though I wanted to go to college, it didn’t happen. Instead, I spent my 20s trying any substance that came my way.

Beginning in 2004, and for the next 10 years, I was in and out of treatment centers. I had periods of sobriety, but they never lasted long. During one stretch, I had a corporate job, bought a condo, and purchased a car. Everyone was thrilled for my new life. But on the inside, I was empty. None of the material things fulfilled me, and I eventually relapsed. What many don’t realize is that recovery is an inside job, meaning the want to change has to come from deep within you — and it’s so much easier said than done. When I cycled through facilities, I didn’t want to get clean, so sobriety never stuck.

In my late 30s, I found out I was pregnant which came as a complete shock. In a previous relationship, fertility treatments were not successful, and I was told pregnancy was not a possibility for me. Unfortunately, I was not sober. I tried and wanted to stop but the disease of addiction was stronger. In fact, it was so strong that my addicted brain rationalized using methamphetamine while carrying my child. I knew methamphetamine use in the first trimester can cause a cleft lip, so I waited until the second and third trimesters to use because the risks weren’t as great. That’s how much power these drugs had over me.

Fortunately, Owen was born completely healthy, which I am so grateful for, but my use continued. Six weeks after Owen’s birth, I was staying in a shelter for battered women. My substance use was reported, and the authorities came and physically took Owen from my arms. Unbeknownst to me, this was the start of a slow and painful separation from him, but the beginning of my new life. 

After Owen was taken from me, I knew I had to do everything asked of me. I went to treatment and attempted to get clean. I did all the tasks required of me, but I didn’t work on myself. I kept this up for months and finally got Owen back. And then I relapsed. Owen was taken from me a second time.  

When I lost my son for the second time, I was devastated. At that point, I had nothing left to lose. In the following 90 days, I was Baker Acted eight times — an involuntarily 72-hour hold in a mental health facility — overdosed twice and had two warrants out for my arrest. I was on a suicide mission. I remember thinking to myself, “I lost everything. I’ve lost my family, my soul, my career, and I’m about to lose Owen forever, the only perfect thing in my life.” It was clear I couldn’t get clean for myself, but I had to do it for him.

Fed up with my behavior, my parents stepped in and filed a Marchman Act petition, which allows family members to petition the court for mandatory assessment and treatment for those who are abusing substances and are a danger to themselves. When the petition was filed, I was relieved because my life was so unmanageable. I didn’t want to live that way anymore, so I cried out to God and begged him to do something. I prayed for something greater than me to save my life. I surrendered in that moment and entered treatment for the last time. 

I entered treatment ready to succeed. Many nights I cried and questioned myself, but Owen was my North Star and guided me along the way. There were so many court battles and legal hurdles, but I had to do everything to prove that I was not the horrible person everyone thought I was. These were some of the most challenging times in my life, but anytime my faith wavered, I’d think of Owen. It took a great deal of work, but I was finally back with my son.

Today, I have full custody of Owen. He’s a happy 7-year-old and I love him beyond measure. My journey to get back to him was not easy, and unfortunately, there are mothers out there who are currently living the life I once had. For mothers still struggling with the guilt of having a disease that is out of your control, here is my advice for you:  

• Stop thinking you are a bad person. The disease we have, addiction, is a chronic, relapsing brain disease that affects the brain’s reward, pleasure, memory, and motivation. And like many chronic diseases, it causes spiritual, physical, and emotional sickness. The trauma, guilt, shame, fear and resentment that contributed to your addiction are the very things you have to let go of. When you set yourself free of those shackles, you’ll get to the core of who you are.
• Accept your truth and interrupt the cycle. They say the truth will set you free, and in this case, it does. Not only until I was able to accept the consequences of my situation that I truly began to work on me. The past is not an easy thing to confront. It’s hard recounting some of the worst times of your life, but once you do, it’s much easier to move forward.
• Use your strength. Even if you don’t believe it, you are stronger than you think, and your children deserve you. Overcoming this disease is more monumental than you realize. Addiction causes physical changes in how the brain responds to situations involving stress and self-control, and the love for your children can help you overpower it.
• Seek the help you deserve. If you’re still struggling with addiction, you’re certainly not alone. There is hope and there is help. Things are not going to get better overnight, so you have to work your way toward that light at the end of the tunnel. It’s important to never give up on yourself. Work on yourself and seek guidance from professionals.

This year will mark my fifth year in recovery, and I am so thankful of where I am today. None of this would have been possible if not for Owen. He is what saved my life and guided me to the life I’ve always dreamt of living. 

Mourning the loss of a relationship, the death of a loved one, receiving news of a debilitating health issue, or even the passing of a pet can affect people differently. Grief, and especially grief from a traumatic event(s), can trigger significant emotional and psychological impairment including the potential for developing PTSD.

Everyone has unique obligations and job/career situations, however getting back to work and daily responsibilities are often a requirement even when still grieving. If employed part-time or self-employed, there may be additional flexibility available to you, yet taking an extended mourning period is not always an option. Other responsibilities such as education, home, family and finances also require your time, which leaves less time dedicated to grieving and healing from a loss. 

With life’s responsibilities often vying for your attention, finding the necessary time and energy to grieve is not always possible. These additional stressors can exacerbate the grieving process or cause other symptoms which may include: gastrointestinal problems, muscle tension, headaches, dissociation, memory issues, depersonalization, emotional detachment/hypersensitivity, autoimmune or long-term health issues. 

Grief Defined

Grief is a natural response to a loss, which may include a traumatic loss such as purging a trauma bond from a narcissistic relationship that ended, or grieving the loss of personal safety from surviving an assault. Grief includes cognitive, emotional, psychological, behavioral and existential reactions which may include both immediate and delayed responses.

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, “the five stages — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost.” Grief can affect everyone differently, there is no timeframe on “how long” the grieving process will last, and it is very common to move through the stages several times until finally reaching acceptance. A misnomer is that with acceptance should come peace, or re-experiencing your life how it was before the grieving process began, which is not always true. Instead, reaching acceptance is more of a coming to terms with the reality of the loss, and in finding healthy ways of coping with the pain.

It is important to give yourself time to get back into the groove of things once you’re back at work and not to compare your productivity today to where you were productivity-wise before your grieving began. Grieving is a process and it can be slow and painful for many. Some things to consider for helping you adapt back into your job may include:

Be Kind with Yourself

Expecting yourself to jump back at the pace or intensity of your job or life you may have had before grieving is not realistic and may impact your grieving process. There is no “right” way to grieve. Some may be more emotional, others may express less outward emotion. This is not to suggest they aren’t processing grief effectively.

Give yourself a short break during work, even if at your desk, if you become overwhelmed or experience an emotional flashback. Practicing mindfulness, breath work and grounding techniques can be very effective in helping calm and redirect when feeling emotionally vulnerable. 

Talk with your Boss

This can be effective in helping establish boundaries for when you return to work. For example, you may request to have bereavement or condolence notices stop when you return to work, to minimize emotional flashbacks. Asking about your company’s bereavement policy prior to returning to work can help clarify how much time you have available at home and to complete any necessary paperwork that may be required. Be honest and genuine with your boss or the human resource department in explaining your needs such as having extra support if needed when you first return to your job, or to return on a part-time basis for a specified time until you are more fully healed.

Reframe Grief into Self-care

If you feel that grieving holds a negative connotation, try reframing it into something more positive such as “self-care.” For example, if you feel a rush of emotion or begin crying, be kind to yourself and respect that crying is part of the healing process for many. If possible, get up and use the restroom, splash some water on your face, and take a few moments of self-care. Or, go for a quick walk outside the office, if time and company policy allow, to get some fresh air and to help you in refocusing. 

Increase Healthy Habits

Grieving taxes your mental, emotional and physical energy, leaving you more susceptible to physical disease or psychological diagnoses. Take up new and healthy options at work and at home to help you in processing your grief. For example, meal prep your lunches for the week on a Sunday night, including lots of fresh fruit, whole grains and fresh vegetables. This will also free up your time during the week to engage in self-care. Opt for a brisk walk during a lunch hour to get some fresh air, or read a lighthearted book to help clear your mind from the grieving process. 

Find a Work Buddy

Having someone to turn to is important for healing, as having a reliable and trustworthy emotional support system is necessary for moving through the grieving process. Ask a friend at work to be your emotional support, or to sit with you at lunch or break. Having someone to talk to can help get your attention off of grieving and help you re-engage in life. 

Cash in on Extra Sleep

Sleep is restorative for mind and body and is perhaps even more important when grieving. Sleep can be disturbed when experiencing grief post-traumatically, which may include having trouble falling asleep each night, trouble staying asleep or experiencing nightmares, making it that much more important to get a complete night’s sleep. Try disconnecting from social media a few hours before bed, engage in a hot bath or shower, use essential oils such as lavender to aid in sleep, or keep your room cool and dark to help promote sleep.

Speak with a Grief Counselor

Sometimes the grieving process can be overwhelming, frightening or filled with uncertainty. You may not know what is seen as a “normal” grieving process, or you may have questions. Speaking to a trained clinician is an excellent way to gain insight and awareness into the process of grieving, along with learning skills that can help foster your personal healing journey. 

References

Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. New York: Scribner.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2014). Trauma-informed care in behavioral health services. Treatment Improvement Protocol (TIP) Series 57. HHS Publication No. (SMA) 14-4816. Rockville, MD.

As we continue in this historic, record breaking moment in time, I notice that I have created new habits and deepened others. At the onset, nine weeks ago, I was focusing on the novelty of what lay before me, not having a clue that more than two months later the world would still be in quarantine.

I am maintaining a regular schedule working as a therapist offering telehealth sessions with established and new clients. I am writing articles; some on the emotional and social impact of the pandemic. Both of these endeavors help me maintain my own stability. Knowing that my clients are counting on me, helps me get out of bed in the morning. 

I meditate, pray, read, watch comedy shows, exercise in my living room (which now doubles as my gym), take walks in the neighborhood, watch inspiring videos, and listen to uplifting music. My go-to station is WXPN out of the University of Pennsylvania. Every other week grocery shopping, regular cleaning, and laundry help to keep me balanced. Catch as catch can conversations with neighbors help to create a sense of camaraderie and reminders that we will get through this together.

To counter feeling isolated, I participate in Zoom calls, speak with friends, FaceTime with my son, daughter-in-law and now nearly 4-month-old grandson and each morning, I record a video for him in which I sing or recite a nursery rhyme. I would be doing that if I were with him. I want him to know that I am there in the only way I can be now.

Every few weeks, we do a distance visit. This Mother’s Day, the family gathered on their lawn, spread the requisite space apart as we attempted to make it seem as normal as possible. Hard to do when the primary topic of conversation was the virus and how it had changed our lives and habits. Blessedly, the baby slept most of the time as my daughter-in-law held him. Had things actually been ‘normal,’ each of us (grandparents, aunt and uncle) would have cuddled with him. I can only imagine the day when we can with all of the stored-up love that as of now can’t be expressed that way.  Some days, tears are part of my routine, coming without warning at times.

I was listening to an interview with Kenneth Duckworth, the Chief Medical Officer of NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) who spoke of the impact of what we both refer to as physical distancing rather than “social distancing”. Since we are social beings who need contact with each other, the spatial separation adds to the stress levels we are feeling in the face of fear of how our lives will be forever altered. He referred to this as an act of collective service which helps slow the spread of the virus and assists medical caregivers in keeping pace with the need for treatment.

In another conversation on NPR, he mentioned the ways in which the experience that many are having will help to de-stigmatize mental health issues. Even those who are not predisposed to anxiety and depression are feeling it. I raise my hand and freely admit that I am in that group. It gives me a clearer view of what some of my clients experience on a daily basis. 

I awaken most mornings with a gut twisting sense of panic and wonder with trepidation what the new day might bring. In the blissful ignorance of pre-pandemic reality, I would, with eager anticipation, greet the morning and think about the activities I would engage in that could include getting together with friends and family, helping take care of my newborn grandson, teaching workshops, officiating weddings, organizing Free Hugs events, going to the movies or out to eat. 

As Duckworth shared, “It’s okay to not be okay.”

Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.
― Gandhi

In preparation for this article, I asked people these questions:

Are you eating differently? Eating more or less? Is alcohol consumption up or down? Exercising more or less? Sleeping more or less? Talking to people regularly that you didn’t before? Worrying more or less? What activities have sustained you? What beliefs help you to remain balanced? Do you watch or read news reports? How do you deal with the emotional roller coaster that many, me included, are on?

I received these responses:

“My biggest change was the AHA! moment I had last week. I’m retired I can stay home! So, canceled all of my teaching classes. And all of my weddings were delayed until next year! My garden is in and I’m looking forward to seeing how that goes!”

“Was eating more but it made me feel more depressed so now I’m back on Weight Watchers, which is something I actually really love and feel empowered doing. I’m sleeping less. Anxiety. I’m enjoying the outdoors more. I’m sleeping later and so are the kids so that’s nice, too. I skip the news. I have PTSD triggered panic attacks from the masks so going out is mildly stressful. I talk to different people more often than I ever used to. I value the extra time with my children so so much.”

“I actually eat only two times a day and wake up at 5:30am. lol how’d that happen?”

“Actually eating less. I’ve lost weight — which has been Ok.”

“Hmmm I’m def eating differently than before, not as healthful as usual but no shame there. Sleeping more. Walking daily but no more HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training). Talking to people less. Less phone time when not at work. Lots and lots of art and meditation. I check the news every few days. And I take more frequent social breaks than before — logging off IG and FB and email for days at a time.”

“Eating more and more comfort food, drinking more, watching less news, finding online social substitutes for in person events, added online college classes and reading, reconnecting with people more often, in deeper way (chatting on Zoom vs a Facebook like).”

“Eating a little more, sleeping about the same, but I go to bed later and get up later. Exercising more. Doing a lot of jigsaw puzzles for peace and sanity. Finally started painting again. Talk to my mom almost every day. Doing daily meditation again. We are retired, so it’s interesting how little our life has changed other than not going out into the big world. Zero travel, which is lovely actually. I find I am recovering from some old PTSD issues because everything is so slow. We spend a rather large amount of time looking out at the sea where the tide comes in and out. We have about a 14-foot tidal shift so it’s fun to watch. We stopped drinking right before COVID became a thing. We don’t miss it.”

“I think I’m eating the same, just no take-outs or dine-ins. We’ve both lost over 10 pounds now. I’m trying to walk an average of 3-6 miles a day. Meditating to fix my emotional state. Took a (prescribed) Xanax for the first time in over 6 months at one point. Back to some drinking three nights a week I think. Waking up around 3-4am many nights. Got a 36 sq. ft victory-garden in the basement I’ll be planting in the yard in the next few days. It brings me calm, and something to care for. It seems I’ve got a greener thumb than most people. No News please.”

“I feel like EVERYTHING, all of the above, is MORE. I’m doing all of those, MORE. Life is good, though. I’m glad work/my job, got out of my way, so that I could be so much more at home for a little while. On EVERY level.”

“Eating more healthy food that I prepare deliciously, exercising more, cleaning the house constantly. Attending many webinars, thinking about how to pivot the business, making calls, and asking for info and help. Cannot get a clear vision of what I want — I know all the things I don’t want and living in midtown NYC is at the top of the list. Do I really have to reinvent myself again? I miss the kiddos in NJ, miss going outside without having to wear a mask and bringing wipes and hand sanitizer. Cannot write and having eerie dreams. I miss human interaction face to face, and big bear hugs. I drink tea now. Listen to binaural beats with high MHz music to fall asleep. Practice deep breathing twice a day. Giving myself permission to feel sad and go through it, to get through it.”

Recently, anxiety overtook depression, ADHD, and all other conditions to be the Number One mental health challenge. 

We’re currently under siege by an invisible enemy, and most of our anxiety levels are higher than before. For some time, however, anxiety has been on the rise as we face all the everyday choices we have to make, both small and potentially life changing. We live in a highly complex world that complicates our existence and creates newer tensions. 

The Process of Anxiety

Most people think of anxiety as an emotional state, and it is. But anxiety is also a process that starts with several uncomfortable emotions that are difficult to tolerate and, under certain circumstances, arise simultaneously. 

As an illustration, let’s say you’ve been seeing someone and she ordinarily responds within a couple of hours. You texted this morning. It’s dinnertime and you still haven’t heard back. You become confused (why hasn’t she texted back?), frightened (what if she doesn’t want to be with me anymore?), and helpless (I can’t keep bugging her. She’s asked me before to wait until she responds). These feelings can converge as you feel overwhelmed, at which time it turns into anxiety. 

Plus we all have certain emotions that we can handle better than others. For example, some people do well with anger, but others act out or simply push their anger down. Some people are OK with worrying, others want it to stop because they can’t handle the feeling. The possibility for anxiety increases with the number of emotions and the “dose” of each uncomfortable feeling we experience.

10 Novel Ways to Reduce Anxiety

We have all heard about deep breathing, mindfulness, and exercising to reduce anxiety. They’re all helpful, but there are steps you can take right now. Here are 10 steps you can take (and 4 you shouldn’t) that will help make the “DIF” — i.e., reduce the Duration, Intensity, and Frequency of waves of anxiety and panic attacks. The ultimate goal is to interrupt the process so that, as much as possible, it doesn’t turn into anxiety in the first place.

What Not to Do

Let’s first start out with what will only make matters worse: 

• Use alcohol, weed, or other ways to numb out. You don’t escape people, experiences, or places. Rather, you avoid the feelings that they bring. Numbing out simply puts you into a vicious cycle.
• Confuse avoidance and distraction with cure. You may think that it’s helpful to distract yourself with activities that cause you to feel anxious. While we all need activities that we enjoy and need to occasionally “get away from it all”, this type of avoidance only makes things worse.
• Condemn yourself. If you tell yourself, “What’s wrong with me?”, “Why can’t I chill?”, etc., you’re putting a “layer of judgment” over the experience. Self-condemnation, unfortunately, helps to keep the cycle in place.
• Seek reassurance from others. When we’re feeling anxiety that arises out of insecurity, it’s natural to seek reassurance from others. The risk is that you’ll continue to seek it out without ever resolving whatever’s driving you to pursue it in the first place.

What to Do

• Recognize that anxiety is a normal response. When we lived in caves, a lion would be a direct threat to your well-being. While the coronavirus is indeed a direct threat, many of today’s other threats may not be life-or-death, but the physiological response is the same as it has always been — rapid heart rate, sweating, and shallow breath, etc. These responses are designed to protect you by keeping you agile, quick, and alert. Your body is reacting as it should.
• Stay calm about being anxious. Many people become anxious about being anxious. To prevent your anxiety from escalating, note that there’s nothing wrong with you, that you don’t need to respond differently, and that you can live with (tolerate) these highly uncomfortable feelings.
• Achieve the “no wonder” goal. Rather than condemning yourself, once you have identified your emotional triggers (perhaps you you’ve experienced trauma and want to avoid a shock), you can tell yourself “of course I’m anxious under these circumstances”.
• Break down anxiety into its component emotional parts. Are you worried, helpless, angry, or frustrated about a particular situation? Tease out each one, and manage each one separately.
• • Worry: Be glad you’re worrying. Anticipation will buffer a future shock. For example, “What will I do if COVID-19 comes back next year?” Worry is here to help you navigate this extraordinary circumstance. You can answer, “OK. I get why I’m worried. I’ve been with struggling during shelter-in-place. What can I do?” — and think of ways so that next time is different.
  • Helplessness and uncertainty: Find the liberation in helplessness. If helplessness or uncertainty is contributing to your anxiety, consider what aspects of the situation are out of your control. Then, seek out ways to free yourself. For example, “I cannot control when the pandemic will end, but in the meantime, what will I do to protect myself and my loved ones?”
  • Confusion: Hold the dichotomy. Instead of saying that you’re confused or have mixed feelings about something, say to yourself, “On the one hand, I want to go and do things like go to the movies or a concert. On the other hand, I’m worried about what will happen when normal life resumes.” Let the two sides “rest” where they are. Our brains are so complex that we can have two diametrically opposing thoughts and feelings at the same time. 
  • Fear: It’s OK to look at the worst-case scenario. What is the worst thing that can happen? Remember that catastrophizing is an important way of attempting to protect yourself from a shock or a disaster. Look at the realm of possibilities. Maybe it is going to be awful, but what else could happen? Maybe we’ll still be social distancing and sheltering in place this winter, but these new medications show promise. The idea is to not get caught up in your catastrophic assumption. Rather, accept it as a possibility, and then think out other, more plausible, assumptions without trying to brush off the worst case. As you do, you may find yourself calming down. 
• Don’t just do something, sit there! This means riding out your anxious feelings by allowing them to build and then to flow out. It includes recognizing that “this too shall pass.” Literally sit in a chair or take a leisurely stroll. If the stroll can be in a park, even better.
• Reel yourself in. Have you ever gone fishing and cast the line out too far, and you have to reel the line back in? This is the same idea, but in terms of time. It’s particularly helpful to manage fear. Think about what the next few weeks or couple of months will look like, but worry about next year in a few months. To gain more immediacy, take a look at your current surroundings, take it in, and recognize that the only certainty we have is Now.
• Use your feelings. Worry, fear, and even regret and resentment can be used to have a better life. If you have resentment toward someone who you feel is using you, you can use it to say “no” more often and to try to balance things out by asking your own favors. Regret can be used to make sure that you don’t take that action again. Anger can be to a seed for determination. For example, the members of MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) used their anger and despair to create a very powerful, positive lobbying group.
• Catch yourself. Reducing anxiety takes awareness, effort, and trial-and-error. You may at first catch yourself after the fact, but over time, you may catch yourself in the middle of it, and you can eventually work your way toward catching yourself as (or before) it begins.
• Memorize hip pocket phrases. Memorize a phrase or two. Let’s say that doors used to open readily open for you, but later in life things have become not so easy. As a result, you’ve developed panic attacks around rejection. When you’re about to panic, you can say, “I’m having a perfectly natural response to an unfamiliar situation.” “No wonder I’m feeling anxious! This is all new to me.” “I hate this but I’ll get through it.” “No one has ever died from a panic attack, so I’ll be OK.”
• Find areas of your life you can control. When your anxiety level is low, it will take a bigger wallop to knock you down. One potent way to keep it low is to find as many areas of self-control as possible (being controlling – trying to control others — is not the same thing). Separate what you can control from what you can’t, and try not to add unnecessary stress. Too much stress is fuel for anxiety.

By taking these steps, I hope you will find that you reduce the DIF — Duration, Intensity, and Frequency — so that it isn’t too much of a good thing. Overall, remember that anxiety is designed to protect you from trauma, keep you and your loved ones safe, and allow you to live your life to the fullest.

You won’t realize you’re dating a narcissist. Narcissists are skilled at making people like them. They can be very alluring and charming and exciting to date. In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see through their likable veneer. In a dating situation, a narcissist has greater incentive to win you over — sadly, sometimes all the way to the altar. 

Narcissists are often physically attractive, charismatic, and sexually appealing. We’re drawn to their intelligence, entertaining personality, special talents, or professional success. Their company can be pleasurable and never boring. 

Dating as a Game

Although some narcissists seek long term relationships, others are expert game-players. Their goal is to win. “The chase is better than the catch.” Their objective is to receive admiration and get their sexual needs met with little emotional investment. Relationships are considered transactions and work for them as long as they’re getting their narcissistic supply. The closer you get, the more they equivocate. They want their options open with multiple sources to meet endless needs for supply. They check out other prospects and flirt right in front of you.

Although narcissists lack empathy, they possess emotional intelligence that helps them perceive, express, understand, and manage emotions. This enhances their expertise as manipulators. They’re skilled at deception to achieve their aims, sometimes consciously, but at other times, it’s just their style. They may even believe they’re being sincere. Although in reality, they’re self-centered and emotionally unavailable, initially they may be generous and good listeners. They may even appear to be vulnerable by sharing personal, intimate information. This is a tactic of their seduction strategy. Among their manipulative tactics are flirtation, flattery, and finesse. 

Women narcissists are flirtatious and can charm men with their beauty and sex appeal. Then they play cat and mouse, make them jealous, or act nonchalant to hook men into pursuing them. Male narcissists often seduce with lavish gifts, fine-dining, and a classy lifestyle. Some narcissists practice love-bombing and shower their partners with attention verbal, physical, and material expressions of “love” that are hard to resist.

Dating Revolves Around the Narcissist

It’s natural to idealize our partner in the romantic phase of a relationship. Unfortunately, for those of us who are lonely, depressed, or codependent, idealization can feed our denial of red flags that should caution us to put on the breaks. It’s also natural when falling in love to want to spend a lot of time with our partner. We may appreciate a man planning a wonderful evening or a woman who knows what she wants, and we’re happy to go along. 

We don’t notice that the relationship is developing on the narcissist’s terms. Whereas we seek to please, to them compromise is a painful loss of power. If we complain, they may act offended and say they’re doing everything for us, but never bother to ask what we want. They like to be in control, and before we know it, we’ve allowed them to control when, where, and what we do and with whom. At the start we go along for the sake of being together, but later out of fear. This is particularly perilous for codependents who easily give up themselves and their friends and activities in new relationships. 

A corollary codependent behavior is not objecting to the narcissist’s decisions and opinions. In the early stages of dating, we might not express anything that could negatively impact the relationship in order not to rock the boat. When we hesitate to disagree and not express disappointment, irritation, or hurt feelings, we gradually disappear, and like Echo, we only echo what the narcissist believes and wants to hear. We’re not letting him or her know the negative impact of their behavior, so they have no incentive to change. Accommodating a narcissist feeds their supply and makes codependents and narcissists a perfect match. 

What to Look For

Of course, it’s their positive, not negative, qualities that make us fall in love, but if we’re dating someone with narcissistic personality disorder, they won’t be able to hide their true colors for long. Some narcissists openly admit they have difficulty with relationships or intimacy. Believe them. Even clients who say their spouse completely changed after the wedding, admit that there were telltale signs early on, once they learned more about narcissism and themselves. For example, narcissists often come on strong. They work hard to make you like them in order to get their needs me rather than build a relationship based on knowing you, which doesn’t interest them.

It’s common for narcissists to have outbursts of anger. A small disagreement can quickly erupt into a major conflict. They won’t take responsibility. Everything is someone else’s fault, and that includes us. But even if they treat you wonderfully, notice if they denigrate their ex, act entitled, or are inconsiderate, manipulative, or demeaning of other people. Assume one day you will be on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. Don’t excuse bad behavior toward you or other people. It’s a pattern.

In the beginning, we’re fascinated by their achievements, their stories and entertaining banter. As time goes on, it’s clear that the conversation is all about them. Being a good listener is an asset, but with a narcissist, it ensures that we won’t be heard or seen. Some narcissists are dogmatic. They always have to be right and won’t listen to a differing opinion. If we’re honest with ourselves, they don’t really seem interested in us, except long enough to get their sexual and emotional needs met. Notice if you feel disengaged, invisible, patronized, or drained by the conversation.

Before long, narcissists will find fault with us or tell us how we should act, dress, eat, or change in some way. Perfectionistic narcissists are the most difficult. For example, a narcissistic woman might try to makeover her man and tell him how to dress. A male narcissist might focus on his girlfriend’s physical appearance. If we express hurt, narcissists will say that they’re being helpful or that we’re too sensitive. At first, we might overlook criticism, especially if it’s delivered in a teasing or calm manner and we’ve been abused in the past or have low self-esteem. In time, demeaning remarks will become more frequent, overt and callous.

When control is extreme, narcissists might interrogate us about our other relationships and conversations with family, our therapist, and friends. They might insist we dress and behave a certain way and try to limit our contacts and activities.

A true narcissist lacks empathy. We end up feeling that we don’t matter and that our needs and feelings are unimportant. If when we share something sad or important to us, our partner doesn’t show appropriate emotional responses, it may signal a lack of empathy.

Relationships with narcissists are challenging for codependents, because the symptoms of codependency present obstacles to discerning these warning signs. Our low self-esteem, desire to please, and denial of our needs and feelings make a relationship with a narcissist feel familiar and comfortable … for a while. This may be because we have an abusive parent who didn’t value our needs and feelings. Healing codependency will help us change these relationship dynamics so that we’re able to receive real love. 

© Darlene Lancer 2020

If you’ve felt like your virtual meetings, or even the quality of your relationships with the participants, have seemed “different” than they did in person, you are not wrong. Researchers (Mehrabian, 1981) have long studied non-verbal communication and have determined that approximately 7% of our communication comes from the words we say; 38% comes from the tone of our voice; and 55% comes from our body language. Although there has been controversy regarding these exact ratios, one thing is for certain: how we are understood and how we understand others is based on much more than the words we speak.  

There are a multitude of factors related to non-verbal communication that can be muddied in this current climate of expanded virtual platform use, changing our perception of the relationship and content we are experiencing. To name just a few, our gestures, or deliberate meanings that communicate intention without words, might be changed or not seen over virtual platforms. We are sometimes so focused on holding our computer, or seeing the screen, that we may alter our gestures. We also somehow seem more aware of not throwing our arms up in the air in frustration, like we might do in an in-person meeting. If you have recently said or heard “can you hear me now?!” on your virtual session, you are in that moment experiencing a stark contrast to the happenings of an in-person conversation.

Paralinguistics, which include tone of voice, loudness, inflections and pitch, can all be distorted on virtual platforms, as many people change these behaviors to be better heard or to compensate for faulty internet connections. Body language and posture can be impacted as well, as the sharing of household space has relegated many to take their professional calls in areas other than ergonomically correct office set-ups. Although personal space in conversations is often influenced by social norms, cultural expectations, situational factors, and level of familiarity, virtual platforms cut across these barriers, also changing our perceptions of these social relationships. Non-verbal disclosures like eye contact can been associated with honesty, although this can vary across cultures. And an increased rate of blinking and eye dilation have been correlated with us finding something physically attractive and to our liking. Although these behaviors can still be present over computer, screen light and other variables can confuse what is actually occurring.

Another important nonverbal behavior is touch. Although touch can be used to communicate affection, caring, familiarity and sympathy, touch can often be used to communicate both status and power, with high power-yielding individuals often more frequently invading the interpersonal space of lower-power yielding individuals (Wood, 2012). Through our virtual platforms, touch is obsolete. When we ponder some of the more difficult conversations we have previously had, whether they were personal or professional in nature, touch may certainly have been present.  

As a psychologist, I have been using online platforms to hold virtual therapy sessions. Although I was previously able to see 10 patients in a row, face to face, I now struggle with fatigue to see just 4 patients in a row. I find that I have to focus more, as well as work harder to process non-verbal cues. Additionally, although I am normally quite comfortable with silence in sessions, I am no longer certain if the silence is because my patient is thinking and processing, or if we are experiencing a technological difficulty. In one study, researchers found that delays on phone or conferencing systems of even 1.2 seconds resulted in perceiving the respondent as less focused and friendly. These technological mishaps can also elicit anxiety on both ends of the conversation, causing participants to wonder if important components of the conversation were heard or missed.

Another factor that can change our experience of our relationships via social platforms is our anxiety about our appearance, as virtual sessions are close up, and a camera is hanging out in the corner like Big Brother, making us mindful of our every facial expression.  

Virtual calls are not the norm for most of us, or at least not what we do exclusively. Each time we engage in the use of a virtual platform, it is a reminder of our loss of normalcy, and how things “are not the same” during this pandemic. We cannot help but carry this feeling over into our perception of our current circumstance or relationship. 

Virtual happy hours with friends, funerals, work meetings, therapy sessions, peer hang outs and academic classes are all happening in the same forum, causing us to feel a lack of boundaries and distance. When we show up for a virtual meeting, we are merging all the aspects of our lives that used to be separate: work, friends and family, thus further contributing to our sense of fatigue, and lack of escape.  

A few suggestions to help with the drain of virtual platform use are:

• take multiple breaks during the day
• get up and move around
• get outside
• do not schedule meetings back to back

It is also advisable to sometimes shut your camera off, if it feels appropriate to do so; decide which meetings can be taken over the phone versus over a virtual platform, and switch devices — yes, even switching from your tablet to laptop to phone can lessen boredom. I minimized my screen today and was still able to see the mountain landscape I had in the background. Although a small gesture, it brought a sense of calm to my session. Additionally, although not possible in every profession, and certainly not during this pandemic, it may be advisable to establish an in-person relationship prior to a virtual one, so that optimal communication can already be established.

References:

Mehrabian, Albert. 1981.  Silent Messages: Implicit Communication of Emotions and Attitudes. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth.

Wood, Julia.  2012. Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters, OH: Cengage Learning

With spending so many hours inside, it can be so easy to seek comfort in food. Especially when some of us have enormous stock piles of tasty snacks and quick shelf stable carbohydrates like cereal, pasta and rice. Perhaps emotional eating is a new phenomena or we’ve struggled over the years with binge eating. Binge-eating is defined as consuming unusually large amounts of food typically in a short period of time and feeling unable to stop eating. During these stressful times we want to maintain emotional, mental and physical balance. Ensuring that we are getting the right nutrients without the self harm of overeating is also vital to our immune system and sleep.

I hope these strategies will help you get off the emotional eating roller coaster for good and find renewed peace around food and body.

Make Real Balanced Meals a Priority

Like it or not we have to eat. By scheduling healthy balanced breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks, we ensure that our bodies will get what they need. Most importantly, prioritizing meals keeps us satiated. Skipping meals or choosing foods that are not necessarily nourishing can leave us hungry making it easier to binge later.

Our bodies crave routine and balance. By setting specific times of day to eat meals that have names like “breakfast,” “lunch” and “dinner” ensures that we are attuned to our appropriate hunger cues. As a result we will not fall into the trap of misinterpreting boredom, frustration or thirst for hunger. Similarly chips, crackers, pretzels, cookies and unfortunately nuts, seeds and dried fruit can be overeating triggers for some of us. When emotions strike, we can find ourselves easily binging on them. One simple strategy in binge prevention is to not have these foods in our house at all. If we live with others, who enjoy these foods safely in moderation, we might need to have them not eat them in front of us or keep them in their room. Studies show that the mere sight of food can cause us to eat even if we are not hungry.   

Pacify the Craving Part of Our Brain

Ever wonder where craving comes from? We can thank the insula, which is a prune-size slab of brain tissue responsible for feelings of guilt and anxiety as well as cravings. Acting like a sort of receiving zone, the insula assesses the physiological state of the entire body and then generates subjective feelings to bring about actions, like eating. Information from the insula is sent to other parts of the brain involved in decision making. Studies on nicotine, cocaine and alcohol addiction have shown alterations in the insula and its connectivity to other regions of the brain of addicts. This allows the addict to succumb to the craving despite the negative consequences.

Though it might be tempting to consider having the insula surgically removed to stop our craving for chocolate cake, it’s not a solution. Without the insula, we would have complete apathy and would loose our ability to distinguish between fresh and rotten foods. Probably one of the most effective ways for calming the insula is through daily meditation. Through daily meditation, we enhance our self-regulatory processes and decrease our emotional reactivity. As a result, we can start to see our thoughts about food as a neutral behavioral option rather than an inescapable need.

Spontaneous thoughts do not need a behavioral response. Meditation can help us to learn to accept these thoughts, letting them pass without further elaboration. With a consistent daily meditation practice of even as little as 5-10 minutes, we will experience more control over our cravings overtime. 

Carbohydrates as Antidepressants?

Have you ever felt like you were wired to binge of chips, bread or sweets? Well, guess what. We are. First, our brains are fueled on glucose. Our brains seek out simple carbs for quick glucose. But for some of us, another factor is also at play — serotonin.

Chronically low levels of serotonin can drive us to search for carbohydrates. This is because when carbohydrates are consumed they allow us to preferentially increase levels of the amino acid, tryptophan. Trytophan is the precursor of serotonin. Conditions of low serotonin like depression and PMS or the more severe form of PMS (Premenstrual Dystrophic Disorder (PMDD) can lead to overeating of carbohydrate because we are seeking tryptophan to quickly boost serotonin levels to lift our mood. The dark side is that this feeling is short lived. After a carb or sugar binge, we can drift into remorse and inevitable weight gain. Making sure that we are eating enough complete protein on a daily helps us maintain a more constant supply of tryptophan for serotonin production.

Other factors at play in low serotonin levels are cofactors, which are nutrients that facilitate biochemical reactions in the body. As far as serotonin is concerned these include Vitamin B6, SamE, and niacin.

If we think we may have a serotonin imbalance, it best to work with a trained professional like a naturopathic doctor or psychiatrist rather than experimenting on ourselves.

Rewarding Ourselves without Food

Why do we over indulge or crave certain foods? Because they literally make us feel good. Biting into a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie, releases dopamine and to a lesser extent norepinephrine and epinephrine. That hit of dopamine along with the other neurotransmitters is associated with the feeling of reward. This is problematic in two ways.

First, the sensation doesn’t last so we need to consume more in an effort to achieve or prolong the feeling. This can escalate where the initial taste and mouth feel is no longer the dopamine activator but the high of binging is.

The other issue is that we may inadvertently cause a new behavior loop to form. Why do we do most of the things we do, especially our harmful habits? Because we have wired them into our behavior reward loops. Basically we have connected one activity to another activity. This is exactly what Pavlov demonstrated with his ringing of the bell dog saliva experiments.

The solution is not to deny ourselves dopamine hits per se. Rather we should find other ways to activate this feeling of reward whether it’s because we’ve finished a task or we need to pacify our emotions. Some of the best, healthy ways to activate dopamine release backed by science are exercise, sunshine, listening to music, having a conversation with a close friend, and sex. So when the urge to reward our self with a bowl of ice cream strikes, we can turn on our favorite Spotify playlist and rock on out instead. 

When people think about boundaries in families, they often think about family members knocking on a closed door, or what type of information should be shared between parents and children or teens. Boundaries with technology are often overlooked.

For years, parents have struggled and debated about how much oversight they should have in their child or teen’s online conversations with friends (and sometimes strangers). Should a parent have an app that allows them to see everything their child or teen does on their phone or other device? Should parents sneak and look at their child’s electronics? Or should parents demand “hand over your phone” at random times to be checked. 

Many parents know that even when they try to put these strategies in place, their child or teen is able to get around it, either with apps that quickly make their messages disappear, or by creating secret accounts. They also can access their accounts on friends’ devices. It can easily become a game of “cat and mouse.” It becomes an issue of control that can go way beyond the electronics. 

The other issue is parents who casually allow their children (sometimes young children under age 10) to go onto their (the parents’) devices. Parents hand over their phone for a child to play a game or talk to a grandparent. But without supervision, the child (or teen) may also be looking at a parent’s texts, emails, pictures, and sometimes pornography. The child can access porn that was already on the parent’s phone or iPad, but they can also easily go online and look at porn that they find themselves. In my own practice experience, there have been many children who have learned of a parent’s affair, business secrets, and other upsetting and inappropriate things, from being on their parent’s phone or iPad. Children and teenagers may fail to learn boundaries related to tech impacting future friend, roommate and partner relationships. 

So what can a parent do? Each child, teen and family is different and there are many different circumstances. Here are a few basic guidelines and topics to consider:

Children:

Children seem to be getting phones at younger and younger ages and being allowed access to them for much of the day if not all day, and sometimes overnight. The phone often becomes like part of their body. This is not surprising, as many parents treat their own phones this way.  Many parents have the experience of trying to limit their child’s phone access, only to be treated to a tantrum or other negative feedback. Wanting to avoid these unpleasantries, the parent “caves” and lets the child have the phone. 

Access and Supervision

When a child first gets a phone, that is the best time to establish boundaries. First decide what your child will be allowed to do on the phone, and what they are not allowed to do. Give them various scenarios about what could happen and what they should do if those things happen (such as a friend texting something inappropriate or hinting at something dangerous, or being contacted by someone they don’t know).

Set times of day the child is allowed to use the phone. It should be when you are around, able to walk by and glance over their shoulder. Do not allow a child to take the phone into their bedroom. Overnight, your child’s phone should be in the parent’s bedroom. Many children and teenagers do not have the capability to self-regulate their phone (and other tech) use and need their parents’ help. Without these boundaries, it is too easy for your child or teen to stay up all night, be unable to focus on homework, or worse, become involved in something inappropriate or downright dangerous. 

Many children have TV and video games in their bedrooms. Then parents complain their child stays in their room too much and doesn’t want to come out and do things with the family. Some of these children will end up spending too much time playing video games to the point where no other activity is pleasurable. And, children may also be watching TV and playing video games well into the early morning hours if they have access to it. By keeping TV and gaming in a common area in the house, parents can more easily monitor what their child is watching and doing. 

Consistent Expectations and Expanding Interests 

Children should have boundaries around how much TV and gaming they are allowed to do. Set up a guideline and stick to it. If your child starts having a bad attitude about getting off video games or turning off the TV, that is a sign that they are starting to have an unhealthy relationship with those activities. Take time to introduce your child to new activities, whether they are things outside the house or inside, with others or alone. Some examples include team sports, art lessons, crafts, book clubs, volunteer work, and taking care of a pet.

Teens:

Privacy, Communication, and Seeking Help

Teens will want privacy on their phones. That is natural, and they should have it. If there is nothing suspicious going on, it is probably ok to let your teen have privacy on the phone. If there is a problem in your child’s life, or something suspicious is going on, before grabbing your teen’s phone and looking through it, ask them what is going on.

Try to talk to them about any difficulties. If they don’t want to talk, but you think there is something going on, let them know you are going to make an appointment with a mental health provider who they can talk to. Don’t ask them if they want to go to talk to someone. Let them know that if there are difficulties in their life and they are not comfortable talking to their parent (or other trusted relative or adult friend), then is appropriate to seek help from a mental health professional. 

Limiting Access

Although teens are gaining independence, they should not have access to their phones 24 hours a day. Set a time at night where the phone gets put into the parent’s bedroom. There can be a different time for school nights and weekend nights. Some teens will need phone boundaries after school and in the evening in order to concentrate on school work. And it is important to model and require they put their phones away during family meal times or other important times when the family is interacting. 

Younger teens should not have a TV or video games in their bedrooms. By the time they are in 11th or 12th grade, it is appropriate to transition to that. They will be away at college soon and will have those things in their rooms anyway, so starting the transition at home is often a good idea. Let them learn from their mistakes, while they are still living at home. Even with an older teen, if they are not able to self-regulate, it may still be a good idea to keep the TV and video games out of their bedroom as it can be too tempting for some people and they find themselves unable to get off the game even at 2:00 am. 

Some of today’s parents grew up with video games and phones. But many did not. Those who did not say “It’s a whole new world out there!” They often feel helpless and confused. In my practice I have seen many smart parents who have trouble setting boundaries with technology. It may be helpful to think of technology as just another piece of parenting. You would not allow your child to leave your house at any time of day, with people you don’t know, to go an undisclosed location. The same is true with tech. By considering these topics and determining what works best for your family, your child can stay connected online, maintain privacy, and respect others.