Lisa Find Love

It’s only natural to choose escape over confrontation. Pure avoidance over wallowing in our miseries. And though I don’t think it’s exactly healthy to “wallow” for too long (if we do that, we would essentially become stuck), I still believe it’s necessary to come face to face with our negative emotions, whatever they may be, in order to ultimately feel better. Everyone may handle certain stresses differently, and solutions and judgments may, of course, differ among us, but I think the common theme that all humans try to grapple with is summed up in one neat word — resiliency.

I recently watched the Bruce Springsteen documentary, The Promise: The Making of Darkness of the Edge of Town. (Well, if I’m being honest, this was my umpteenth viewing of the film — I’m quite the fan.) In this documentary, Bruce and fellow E-Street bandmates discuss the musical and emotional undertones of the record Darkness on the Edge of Town and one pivotal theme that echoes throughout the album — one that truly strikes a chord (wow, I didn’t even make that pun intentionally) — is embodying a resilient spirit.

Born to Run (the album that precedes Darkness) depicts the struggle for independence as the characters attempt to figure out what life means and how to break out on their own. Someone on this record is always leaving or being left behind. However, in Darkness, it becomes quite apparent that you can’t just run away. The characters in this album may be driving, but they never stray too far.

“I wanted this record to have a very relentless feeling,” Springsteen said in the documentary. He wanted the music to emulate loneliness and uphold a stripped-down sound (they wanted “coffee black,”  his manager Jon Landau conveyed).

In Darkness, Springsteen decided to write about his roots, about growing up in his small New Jersey town, and he wanted to talk about adult life that’s comprised of limitations and compromises and committing to such experiences. He essentially wanted to understand how to do that — how to come to terms with adult life. “There’s a part of life you can’t compromise with or you lose yourself,” he said.

The track, “Promised Land,” echoes his plight towards adulthood, and Bruce explains that the song takes the listener on a journey through deep despair, resilience and determination, and the desire to transcend limitations:

There’s a dark cloud rising from the desert floor
I packed my bags, and I headed straight into the storm
Gonna be a twister to blow everything down
That ain’t got the faith to stand its ground
Blow away the dreams that tear you apart heart
Blow away the dreams that break your heart
Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and broken-hearted

In the title track, “Darkness on the Edge of Town,” Springsteen is adamant about confrontation, about “not forsaking your own inner life force”:

Tonight I’ll be on that hill, ‘cause I can’t stop
I’ll be on that hill with everything I got
With our lives on the line where dreams are found and lost
I’ll be there on time, and I’ll pay the cost
For wanting things that can only be found
In the darkness on the edge of town

In the bonus footage at the end of the documentary (always gotta look out for those extra features), we see Springsteen having a conversation with his fans, and one particular fan question always piques my interest. “Which character would you most want your children to understand?” he was asked.

Springsteen relayed that “Racing in the Street,” a sad song about “how we carry our sins,” is a song that has a deep emotional resonance.

“I suppose I would like them (my children) to be untouched with that particular sadness…but that’s not the way the world works,” he said. “I would like them to have that resilience and wherewithal to navigate through that kind of pain, because that’s what we all have to do.”

Ever since I’ve learned about positive psychology (I took a course on positive psychology, a relatively new field, my senior year of college), I truly took to the notion of what it means to be resilient and to cope with life’s stresses with putting our best foot forward. And while more effective coping skills ultimately lead to a happier mindset, I honed in on the truth that it’s also okay to be in the negative and confront whatever it is we’re going through, first and foremost. (Especially if you have a certain emotional disposition that makes you more prone to sensitivity, in my opinion.)

For me, Springsteen’s insight and incredible wisdom that pervades the Darkness record is powerful and relatable, giving us the feedback we may all need to be reminded of from time to time.

The dogs on Main Street howl, ‘cause they understand
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister, I ain’t a boy, no I’m a man
And I believe in a promised land

Many people with bipolar disorder struggle with self-loathing. Maybe the self-loathing starts as the depressive phase does with all sorts of awful thoughts about yourself. Because that’s how depression works: It outright lies, and inflicts pain.

You can’t do anything right. You’re an abject failure. You’re also stupid. And worthless, and no one will ever really love you for you. You are not attractive or thin or strong enough. You are weak, and you are an embarrassment.

Maybe it happens after a manic or hypomanic episode, because you feel terrible about what you did or said during that time. And the regret, remorse and shame turn into self-hatred.

Maybe the self-loathing lingers always, swimming under the surface, or “simmering at a low temperature,” as clinical psychologist Cynthia G. Last, PhD, said. Last specializes in treating individuals with bipolar disorder in Boca Raton, Fla.

“If I’m being ‘real,’ I always hate myself,” said Gabe Howard, a writer and speaker who has bipolar I disorder. “Nothing I ever do is good enough. It doesn’t matter what I achieve, I will always find a way to tear it down…”

“It’s worse when I actually fail—like if a project goes poorly, or like when I was going through my divorces. It’s worse when I’m depressed.”

When people compliment Howard, he assumes they’re making fun of him. He requests reassurance often: Was that OK? Is that what you wanted? “Then I try to figure out if they are lying to me.”

Many of Last’s patients also say they hate themselves. “They say it in a very venomous way.” Or they’re mortified by their behavior. “Sometimes they are so frustrated by their perceived inadequacies that they act out by hitting themselves on the side of the head with their hand. I’m sorry to say this isn’t uncommon.”

When Katie Dale, who has bipolar I disorder, changed schools in 11th grade, and had a hard time making new friends, she started to hate everything about herself, too—her looks, personality, school performance, what she said or didn’t say. She also felt like the weakest link on her soccer team, which deepened her self-hatred.

Dale would obsess about her supposed flaws, compare herself to others and put oppressive expectations on herself. This led her to feel like she wasn’t “worth anyone’s time, energy, or love.”

Today, Dale is a mental health advocate and caseworker who loves helping others find peace of mind. She blogs at BipolarBrave.com, and lives in the Midwest with her husband. With treatment, her self-loathing has diminished. “I am still particular about my looks, but I have had to learn a lot about forgiving myself and being kind to myself.”

Treatment has helped Howard, too. “Before [treatment] the self-loathing was so bad I didn’t bother to attempt anything because I just hated myself so much. Now I assume I suck at it—but I keep doing it. Believe it or not, that is progress.”

For Jessica Gimeno, treatment for her bipolar II disorder, and various near-death experiences have silenced her once shattering thoughts. Gimeno is a mental health writer and speaker who is best known for her award-winning TEDx Talk, “How to Get Stuff Done When You Are Depressed.” In addition to her mood disorder, she also has five autoimmune conditions, including myasthenia gravis, which leaves her in constant pain, and almost killed her at age 24.

In the past, Gimeno’s self-loathing showed up as ruminating thoughts any time anything went wrong—any time there was an awkward social interaction, or a misunderstanding over email. She would panic that she did something terrible, and replay the situation over and over in her mind.

What Helps to Shrink or Silence Self-Loathing

Treatment isn’t the only reason Dale’s self-loathing has diminished. It’s also thanks to her faith: “reading the Bible and God’s promises about what He thinks of me, reminding me that I’m loved and beloved, and that nothing I do can separate me from His love. Grasping this truth and planting it deep into my heart makes a big difference.”

Faith is paramount for Gimeno, too. “As a Christian, I believe that God is there with me when I suffer and I believe that spending time with God is my joy—there’s this verse that says, ‘the joy of the Lord is our strength.’ Faith allows me to have peace in the turmoil.”

Gimeno also doesn’t have the time or energy to overthink things anymore. She’s constantly tired from the autoimmune problems. She’s watched friends die from the same diseases she has.

“Time is a very important thing to me, and I cannot waste it.”

Similarly, she’s had a powerful shift in perspective. Just several months ago, she attended a social gathering—the first one in five months, after enduring a traumatic event. She made an awkward comment and she didn’t think the host liked her.

“The old me before I acquired all these autoimmune illnesses, when I was younger, would have relived that encounter at the party over and over again. The battle-tested version of me today is like, Was this a life or death situation? No. Nobody died. Then, it’s no big deal. Not everyone is going to like me, and that’s OK. As I write this, I have friends who are dying slow painful deaths now due to their autoimmune diseases—a party gone wrong is just a party gone wrong.”

Pep talks and reminders of the incredible hardships she’s faced help, too. “If I’m nervous about a thing that makes a lot of people nervous like giving an important presentation before a board meeting, I’ll give myself a pep talk like a trainer gives his boxer in between rounds. I tell myself, “…is this meeting harder than having your neck cut open and glued back together? Is this harder than having surgery without anesthesia? Then, it’s not hard. Go in there and do it.”

For Howard, honest, direct conversations are vital. “If my wife tells me she is happy with me, I believe her. Because I trust her to tell me when she is unhappy.” The same is true for his Psych Central podcast co-host, who he trusts to tell him when a show went well (and not-so well).

Howard also regularly repeats this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson in his head: “To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden, a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

Exercises to Try

Gimeno suggested readers write down what you’re proud of, and turn to this list any time you doubt yourself or feel down. This “can be anything from accomplishments that the world considers ‘success’ to the other things that are important to you like just surviving. This year, I survived a traumatic event. That survival won’t be something I list on my LinkedIn profile, but it’s a big deal to me.”

Howard keeps positive emails, awards and mementos, and turns to them when he’s feeling awful. What things can you keep that remind you of your strengths and just how capable you really are?

Last, author of the book When Someone You Love is Bipolar: Help and Support for You and Your Partner, stressed the importance of replacing self-loathing thoughts with helpful, supportive thoughts. You can practice this by taking out a piece of paper; writing the negative thought on the left side; and writing at least three thoughts that challenge that hateful thought.

Last shared this example: You think, “I hate myself. I have to take five medications to be OK!” You come up with the following thought that actually serves you (and is very much true!): “Bipolar disorder is an illness. It’s not my fault I have it and have to take meds for it. People with other types of illnesses have to take meds too to be OK.”

And that’s the thing: Bipolar disorder is an illness. As Last said, you didn’t choose to have it, and you couldn’t have prevented it. “[T]he condition doesn’t define who you are as a human being; you have bipolar disorder, but you aren’t bipolar disorder.”

Last likened it to hypothyroidism, which she has. “I have thyroid disease but, of course, it’s not the essence of who I am.” And neither is bipolar disorder.

And here’s another thing: You don’t have to wait until the self-loathing lifts, until you finally feel good about yourself to treat yourself with kindness. Start treating yourself as though you appreciate and love yourself, as though you’re absolutely worthy. And start doing it right now.

August 24, 1992. A pivotal day in my life and that of countless others. A tropical depression in the Caribbean morphed into a hurricane. It hovered over south Florida and took with it, life and property. It was one of the most intense and damaging ever seen. Hurricane Andrew made landfall and we were at Ground Zero, next to the Homestead Naval Airbase.

We had just purchased our new home and had no equity in it; we couldn’t afford to sell it and relocate once again. I mused about being able to move back north. This was clearly one of those “be careful what you wish for” situations, thinking I should have been careful to clarify “clean, neat, easy and safe way.” Our house became uninhabitable and within six months, my wish was granted and another turning point transplanted us back to beautiful Bucks County, Pennsylvania, an hour outside of Philadelphia. The biggest blessing is that we (my husband, son, our dog, cat, rabbit and I) were safe.

After the flood waters receded, we sorted through the rubble and were able to retrieve some of what we valued. As publishers of Visions Magazine, from 1988-1998, we salvaged back copies that featured notables on the cover, such as Ben & Jerry, Shirley MacLaine, Bernie Siegel, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Deepak Chopra, Dennis Weaver, Ram Dass, and Olympia Dukakis. Although they were wet, and some pages were stuck together, they are potent reminders of the love and energy we put into the publication for 10 years.

For his birthday, my parents and I gave my husband a Peace Pole which is a 6-foot-tall obelisk that has the message, “May peace prevail on Earth,” inscribed on it in four languages. It had been in the back yard and survived the torrential rains and tumultuous winds. It followed us back to our new home in Pennsylvania in 1993. My then 5-year-old son was able to reclaim his iridescent green parachute material snake, aptly named “Snakey.” Books, music, instruments, and photographs were lost. Our furniture, clothing, most pieces of jewelry, and household décor went the way of all winds.

As resilient thrivers, we seemed to bounce back well. We had a place to go, as we stayed with my parents for a few weeks and moved temporarily to an apartment and then our new home in Pennsylvania. We had support from family and friends and our larger community. One major benefit was comprehensive insurance coverage that allowed us to replace the material goods to start anew.

Although these things matter, I am not attached to possessions, with few exceptions. On my left pinkie, I wear the ring passed on to me by my mother who died in 2010, given to her by my grandmother who died when I was four. When I look at it, it is like having them both with me. Journals are precious as they highlight 40 years of life experience; yes, I have been writing in them since college. I have more books than any other type of item in my eclectically decorated home. When I gaze around in each room, I behold things received as gifts from loved ones and some I purchased for myself. They enhance my life and remind me of my connection with the people who gave them to me.

What prompted this inquiry was the NPR show 1A on November 27, 2018. The topic was The Things That Matter Most and it highlighted the innate or imbued value of the keepsakes. Joshua Johnson’s dedicated, and knowledgeable guests were: Jennifer Battle, a Hurricane Harvey survivor and program director of crisis services at The Harris Center, Christian Burgess, director of Disaster Distress Helpline in Houston, and Bill Shapiro, author of the book What We Keep.

Each of them offered wise guidance for ways we see our belongings as extensions of ourselves, memories can’t be replaced, certain items provide comfort, and offer a sense of connection to our past and the people in it. Most people who lose belongings, whether through natural or human made disaster, would say that the financial value of the items is far outweighed by the sentimental value.

It was echoed by Bill Shapiro who shared, “Our hearts are not accountants. We choose the meaning, not the monetary.”  

Someone who called in to the show says that well-meaning people remind us, “It’s just stuff,” which is meant to comfort, but instead, minimizes the impact. The reality is, per the caller, “It’s my stuff.” Just as no one should tell someone grieving the loss of a child, that they have other children or can have other children, so too is in inadvisable to tell someone that everything is replaceable. For some, the feeling is that of losing an aspect of our identity and a link to loved ones and family legacy.

If you had two minutes to leave, what would you take with you?

I would take my medications, the little black box with my passport, family birth certificates and other important papers, my laptop since it is my work tool, cell phone, car keys, wallet. Those are the practical items. Interestingly, the things I retained following the hurricane are expendable as are my treasured book. The ring isn’t.  

I inquired of people in my life what their treasured items are and how they would feel if they lost them. This is the feedback I received:

“My Mom’s wedding band; always wear it on my pinky…a tangible connection to her.”

“I think an interesting angle on this topic is photography, more specifically how most pictures are now digital.  I’m in a weird space where I have both printed family photo albums and digital albums. Both are just as precious, yet I think the digital ones are more fragile. It only takes one computer crash to lose so many memories.”

“My most prized possession is a small Christmas tag Dad put on a gift to Mom on their first Christmas as husband & wife — 1936, in the heart of the Depression. “Such a small thing to express so much in my heart.”

“My oldest daughter is a very emotional and sentimental child and has things like stuffed animals and keepsakes that she cherishes. When she can’t find them, she is beside herself. I’m not attached to things. I know things are fluid and always changing — maybe it stems from my occupation.”  (a nurse)

“Things that I love a great deal because they remind me of people that gave them to me or owned them before me, but I’m not attached to anything in a way that it would hurt me if it was gone.”

“I have told my children that when I leave this earth, only two things-are of value to me, two rings that were my mother’s. Not valuable in money ways. And family photos. One ring is on my finger always. They can take everything else to the Goodwill. I am not attached to possessions. And the other ring is in a secret place in my place!”

I will close with a poem by Jellaludin Rumi, as translated by Coleman Barks:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.