Full disclosure: Watching The Bachelor/ette is a huge guilty pleasure of mine. It’s fascinating not just for the entertaining drama, but also as a unique case study of relationship dynamics. If you’re unfamiliar, The Bachelor is a reality TV show in which 25-30 beautiful and presumably single women contend for the attention, love, and marriage proposal of one eligible gent over the course of about two months of filming. Every season is chock-a-block with romantic and often extravagant dates, profuse amounts of smooching, and (sometimes ridiculous) drama. (Disclaimer: Before I get to the meat of this article, I should make it clear that that while I find the show very amusing, I don’t find the format to be particularly realistic, nor do I feel like the format allows for a strong foundation that can foster a future long-term relationship to be built—though there seem to be a few happy exceptions.)
When I watch The Bachelor/ette, I love to shamelessly analyze the contestants and try to make connections to research (after all, I am a relationship science nerd). There are always a few contestants who stand out, for better or worse, and this season I’m a bit mesmerized with Whitney Bischoff in a good way. She seems very classy, but more than that, she has a very distinct. The pitch is quite high, and though some people might find it a bit intense, it may actually make her more appealing to our current Bachelor, Chris.
The immaculately groomed cemetery, offering unimpeded views of the Pacific Ocean, is the eternal resting place of Marion Mitchell Morrison, popularly known by his stage name, John Wayne.
The Duke, who died in June 1979, enjoyed a film career that spanned more than three decades. He was best known for playing gruff-on-the-outside, big-hearted cowboys and frontiersmen. Indeed, the American Film Institute posthumously named the Academy Award-winning actor one of the greatest male screen legends of all time.
To this day, John Wayne epitomizes the true American hero in the minds of many fans the world over.
My Uncle Don, on the surface at least, couldn’t have been more different than John Wayne.
Frail from youth and never athletic or imposing, Uncle Don lived a quiet, unobtrusive life of little public note. He, too, labored more than three decades, only Uncle Don worked in a nondescript office as an IRS agent and retired in 1995 in virtual anonymity.
Yet as I stood graveside a few weeks back at Pacific View Memorial Park, I couldn’t help but think that Uncle Don was no less an American hero than The Duke — perhaps even greater.
Born in September 1933 to immigrant parents who had no formal education, Uncle Don struggled mightily with obsessive-compulsive disorder from childhood. In the 1940s, when he was growing up, not much was known — and even less spoken — when it came to OCD.
Uncle Don’s father, my grandfather, was of the parenting school that thought the way to treat Uncle Don’s obsessions and compulsions was to “make a man out of him.” Toward that end, Grandfather mocked Uncle Don and criticized his behavior. He yelled at Uncle Don and subjected him to every imaginable form of verbal abuse — all in the horrific, mistaken belief that he was helping.
That Uncle Don didn’t spend his life institutionalized — or as a social monster — was a miracle.
In fact, Uncle Don not only took the abuse, he deflected much of it with affection and humor.
Uncle Don loved to tell jokes. Silly jokes. (What has four legs and chases cats? Mrs. Katz and her lawyer.)
Wherever Uncle Don went, he made people laugh. They recognized in him a sweet soul, who always had a smile and a kind word for those he encountered. He listened with a sincere interest to what others had to say and was the least judgmental person I ever knew.
What few outside his immediate family recognized was that Uncle Don carried the 800-pound gorilla of OCD — not to mention the emotional scars of his adolescent abuse — on his back his entire life. For most other people to get up daily for more than 30 years and traverse the Los Angeles freeways to work at an unpopular government bureaucracy would have been drudgery. For Uncle Don, with his OCD, it often bordered on torture.
Uncle Don constantly had the urge to wash away his “bad thoughts” at the sink or in lengthy, steaming hot showers. His compulsive routines were exhausting — both because he felt the need to repeat them a thousand times a day and because, on the job at least, he had to keep his OCD in check or face the prospect of losing his job, or worse, the respect of his co-workers.
In later years, with help from newer medications and some dedicated psychiatrists with whom he was blessed to work, Uncle Don suffered less from OCD, although he never lived a moment of his adult life without it preying upon him.
At his funeral, men and women who worked with Uncle Don at the IRS more than 20 years earlier turned out in force to remember the man who was a loyal friend, a good listener, and someone who always made them laugh. At the rent-by-the-month office where he went daily in retirement to manage his affairs, the receptionist who knew him best wept, as did the cafeteria workers who volunteered each day to bring him lunch at his table, when toward the end he became too weak to carry it himself.
Uncle Don touched people deeply with his kindness and his ability to look past their surface flaws to see them in a positive light — one that was seldom cast on them by others who were too busy or too self-centered to notice. Most of those people who came to cherish Uncle Don never knew about his OCD or the massive burden he carried.
To me, John Wayne was only a celluloid hero. It is the Uncle Dons of the world — and their supportive families, such as my Aunt Barbara who was profoundly dedicated to Uncle Don throughout their 43-year marriage — who are the true, flesh-and-blood heroes.
OCD and other mental illnesses are better understood these days than they were back in Uncle Don’s youth, when Grandfather thought the only way to treat it was with a firm stance and a loud voice.
Yet too few of us recognize just how heroic those who suffer from mental disorders are for having the courage to face life every day and squeeze the most out of it.
There are and will be no statues or airports to honor Uncle Don and so many others just like him for their genuine bravery. But there should be.
The Breathing Circle movement began in 2011 as the brain child of British breathworker Natalia Brown. What started off as a group of Natalia’s friends has, with her support, spread around the globe. Today breathing circles can be found throughout Europe and North America, in Mexico, Australia, Lebanon, the Ukraine, India and Kenya. When asked why, in just three years, her circle of friends has become a world-wide phenomenon, Brown is quick to respond.
“They’ve discovered the power of their own breath,” she explains. “Once you find out what breathing can do, you want more of it.”
When Brown talks about the power of the breath, she’s referring to the therapeutic psychological and emotional effects of breathwork. We all inhale and exhale around 20,000 times a day without paying much attention to the rise and fall of our lungs. In contrast, Breathing Circle members are acutely aware of their breathing. They focus their full attention on the movement of air into and out of their body. They also create a seamless connection between inhalation and exhalation by eliminating the natural pauses that occur in the breathing cycle. This particular form of breathwork is called conscious, connected breathing or CCB. And to anyone who has not experienced CCB, the effects are both powerful and unexpected.
“It takes you into yourself. It takes you to places you don’t go every day,” Larry Davis, a veteran of many breathwork sessions, explains. Davis suffered from depression since childhood. He tried medication, support groups and other forms of therapy with some, but limited, effect. In his 40s, he discovered breathwork.
“You experience another side of yourself,” he says. “You really experience it — the part of you that can be happy. You learn to let go of anger and loneliness. You let go of that way of thinking. It’s not easy to face it all but you grow out of it. In the breathwork, you grow out of it.”
CCB, as experienced by Davis, generally takes place either in one-to-one sessions with a breathwork therapist, or in groups such as a Breathing Circle which are facilitated by a trained breathworker.
Breathers can sit but generally they go through the session lying down. The session begins with a conscious focus on the movement of air into and out of the body. Breathers gradually eliminate the natural pauses in the breathing cycle and because of this, breathing becomes a little faster and fuller than normal. From here the breath takes on a life of its own, sometimes flowing placidly, sometimes vigorously, at times high in the chest, at others deep in the belly. The breather feels like they are being breathed, yet at the same time, they feel fully in charge of the experience. Some breathers move about, some lie perfectly still, some weep, some laugh, some do both.
It’s more difficult to describe what happens internally, where the therapeutic effects of breathwork take place. A breathwork session can contain memories, including the memory of birth. It can contain a full range of emotions as well as profound insights. Somatic sensations include waves of energy, tingling, and occasional localized pain. Breathers can experience sounds, smells and visual sensation often reminiscent of the psychedelic images popular in the 1960s and ’70s. Senses become fluid and flow into each other. Physical sensations turn into emotions, emotions transform into insights. The inner experience of CCB is unique to each breather, every time they participate in a session.
“CCB is a lot of things in one,” Natalia Brown elaborates. “It’s a spiritual practice. It’s also a psychological and emotional therapy. And you certainly feel better physically after a session.”
Breathwork has an ancient lineage, particularly in the Buddhist tradition. But modern therapeutic CCB techniques such as Holotropic Breathwork and Rebirthing were developed during the counterculture period in the 1950s and ’60s when the exploration of consciousness became popular in the West. Once an outlier in the field of psychotherapy, breathwork therapies have since developed their own theoretical frameworks and have grown into highly effective forms of therapy. This acceptance has happened largely without the benefit of objective scientific research. There has been, therefore, scanty objective evidence of effectiveness to back up the claims of both therapists and clients. That evidence gap is closing.
A 1997 study of Holotropic Breathwork published in the peer-reviewed journal Psychotherapy divided study participants into two groups. One group used traditional talk-based experiential therapy. The second group used regular Holotropic breathwork sessions in addition to the same talk-based therapy used by the first group. At the end of the study, the Holotropic Breathwork group showed significantly more gains in self-esteem and the management of anxiety than the group that used talk therapy without breathwork (Holms, Morris, Clance & Putney, 1997).
A 2003 study carried out in the Czech Republic examined the effect of breathwork on personality using a control group of non-breathers and a breathwork group. At the end of study the researchers described the breathers as “…significantly more able to enjoy the present moment, they are more independent of other people’s beliefs, they are more flexible in their approach towards values, they are more sensitive to their needs and feelings, they are more spontaneous, they have a higher self-esteem and show a better capacity for establishing warm interpersonal relationships” than the group using talk therapy alone (Binarova, 2003).
A partial explanation of the breathwork experience may lie in the documented effects of voluntary hyperventilation, the kind of accelerated breathing that characterizes breathwork techniques like CCB. Within 20 to 30 seconds of commencing breathwork, blood flow velocity decreases in the arteries feeding the brain while the capillaries experience an increase in pH and oxygen saturation. After eight minutes the somatic sensations enjoyed by Breathing Circle breathers begin. After 15 minutes breathers experience various forms of altered consciousness or expanded awareness. These altered states may be linked to a reduction in activity in the frontal lobes of the brain.
Larry Davis describes breathwork as enabling him to face the elements of himself that are “not easy to face.” As the frontal lobes are associated with the control and inhibition of cognition and behavior (Rhinewine, 2007), the reduction in activity could explain why breathers experience a wide range of often-painful memories and encounter full-on the belief systems that underpin so much human unhappiness.
“All those memories that surface during CCB,” Brown explains, “all those belief systems that limit our ability to take charge of our own lives, are unresolved experiences from our past.”
Events going back to womb time and birth are laid down in pre-verbal sense memory. Breathing, because it’s a sensory experience, facilitates access to life events from all periods of life, including the pre-verbal. Bringing events to the surface in a safe, controlled environment allows the breather to re-experience those events as an adult with an adult’s ability to put them into context and resolve them.
And this is where the Breathing Circle movement is taking breathwork to a new level. It is highly recommended that people initially take breathwork sessions with a qualified breathworker in a therapeutic setting. But while therapy is expensive, breathwork is something people can do for themselves. Once the technique is mastered it can be used in many different settings including breathing circles. The effect is not quite the same when practiced alone or in a group than with the undivided attention of a therapist in a private session. But the spread of the Breathing Circle movement is testimony to the fact that CCB can be a regular enhancement for anyone’s life. And all for the price of a donation to cover the cost of the venue where the Breathing Circle takes place.
References
Holms, S.W., Morris, R., Clance, P.R., Putney, R.T. Holotropic Breathwork: An Experimental Approach to Psychotherapy. Psychotherapy 1996, 33:114-120.
Binarova, D. The Effect of Holotropic Breathwork on Personality. Ceska a Slovenska Psychiatrie 99. 2003. No. 8, 410-414.
Rhinewine, J. et al., Holotropic Breathwork: The Potential Role of a Prolonged, Voluntary Hyperventilation Procedure as an Adjunct to Psychotherapy. Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine 13, 2007, 771-776.
For a list of Breathing Circles worldwide, see http://ift.tt/1AssFzG
This article was originally published in Positive Health, Issue 216, August 2014.
http://ift.tt/1AU7rOq
Often, we treasure guilt as a guardian to our morality, believing if we let go of it, we will become unscrupulous and prone to all sorts of unethical behavior. But is it really so? More often than not, guilt actually jeopardizes not just our own happiness but of the people who we share our lives with. Below are a few examples.
George has been a lonely man for many years now, ever since his girlfriend cheated on him. But then he met the woman who feels like his soulmate. She returns his affections. But happiness does not last long, as George feels a growing sense of inadequacy trying to live up to such an amazing woman. Even though this is not the case, he feels she ultimately will want “someone better” than him, and gets nervous and fidgety in the relationship. Unable to commit, he says he needs to be free, and they break up.
Paula is a professional woman in her late 30s, who’s working in a company environment she detests. For years now she’s been daydreaming about starting her own business, which would allow her to make better use of her time, talents and aspirations. She has bought books about business startups, been to some networking events in her free time and started a website, but every time she spends more than a little time on planning the launch, she suddenly gets tired or somehow sucked back into her daily routine.
Eveline lives in the house she inherited from her parents, and which she treasures for its family memories. However, she has nasty issues with the neighbors, which make her life very uncomfortable. When she gets an offer to exchange the house for another one, she backs off nervously. Somehow it seems too good to be true.
What is it that keeps these people from reaching new levels of happiness? We might say that George is still hooked to past drama, Paula is fearful of losing her stable income, and Eveline is overly cautious. But beyond all that, on a level deeper still, there is a lurking feeling of not deserving it, of not being worthy of true happiness. In one word: it is guilt.
Guilt is a negative emotion that serves us no good. It is as toxic as anger, hatred or ignorance. Feeling guilty is a bad, usually deeply conditioned habit. But as with any other bad habit, we’ll have a hard time letting it go, until we think there is anything good about it.
Socially, we still think that guilt serves us in some way: after all, what would happen if we stopped installing guilt into our children? Wouldn’t we just all go on stealing, killing and engaging in all sorts of misconduct? Surely, without a sense of guilt, the moral construct of our civilization would collapse — or would it? The answer is: instead of relying on guilt to prevent ourselves from misconduct, we must cultivate the ability to learn from our mistakes.
Guilt, contrary to common assumption, prevents us from doing just that. With its painful unpleasantness, guilt often prevents us from looking right into what went wrong and what needs to be changed. The problem with guilt is that it turns against the Self, as opposed to the wrongful action. Guilt tells us that we are inadequate, unlovable, even not worthy of living. Guilt does not condemn the deed, but the person.
Guilt does not say that murder is wrong. It says the murderer is an inadequate, unlovable person, not worthy himself of living. However, some of history’s greatest saints started off as murderers. The great Tibetan poet and saint Milarepa murdered an entire party of people before he turned to Buddhism and allowed for the inner alchemy of transformation to take place within himself. Guilt ignores the fact that human nature is evolving. Like a lotus flower growing out of the mud, it emerges from the darkness.
Therefore, if guilt prevents us from growing, we need to face it, conquer it and let go. That, however, is easier said than done. How do we proceed in practice?
First, we need to ask: do we feel guilty because we have done (or are about to do) something wrong? Did we hurt or are we potentially going to hurt someone (including ourselves)?
In this case, we need to let go only of the negative feeling around guilt, but learn from our mistakes. If it’s in the past, we might want to ask ourselves if there is anything we can do to make it all right, or at least to apologize. If we are about to do something wrong, we can simply alter the course of our behavior.
It is important to feel compassion toward ourselves for being human and rejoice over a learned lesson. Making mistakes is a part of the learning process, and it can be counterproductive trying to avoid them. What we shall avoid is repeating the mistake. Once the lesson is learned, we can let go.
At other times, however, guilt seems to emerge out of nothing, like some shadow of our personality, trying to sabotage our progress. This is the darker face of guilt, much more subtle and harder to deal with. We haven’t even done anything wrong. The prospect of coming out of our comfort zone triggers a vague, existential sense of guilt. Certain ways of upbringing (for example, dogmatic religious beliefs) can make this sense of guilt particularly strong.
George felt he didn’t deserve a “perfect” girlfriend. Paula was afraid of leaving the rat race. Eveline was too shy to leave her hostile housing situation. They probably were not even aware that guilt was holding them back.
First we need to become aware of this feeling. If it has been with us our whole life, especially if we learned it from our family, we must do some introspection to realize it is there. It can be a huge help to talk to a therapist or to friends who grew up differently, simply to see the contrast. Only after that are we able to do the actual work, which is to finally understand that guilt serves no good purpose whatsoever, and let go of it like of any other harmful addiction.
George, for example, could see that guilt destroyed a potential relationship. Without guilt, he could have made not just himself, but someone else happy. Paula could learn that by escaping the rat race she sets a positive, much-needed example for others. As for Eveline, it’s not just she who has a bad relationship with her neighbors, but so do they with her. Therefore, the great maxim of every relationship applies:
If it doesn’t make you happy, it doesn’t make others happy, either.
It is time to let go…
As a therapist myself, I often find it difficult to express the indescribable joy of the therapy process and why I’m so passionate about its healing power. However, I don’t have to, now that the father of group psychotherapy himself, Irvin D. Yalom, has masterfully captured the experience in his new book Creatures of a Day
In a profession that exists exclusively behind closed doors, it’s rare and precious to get a real peek through the window to witness the raw power of the therapeutic process. Whether on the couch or in the therapist’s chair, we have all wondered at some point what is actually happening in other people’s sessions. This book is the best of its kind I’ve read to date, offering a tender and credible look behind the curtain, through a powerful series of vignettes.
Creatures of a Day presents real cases that not only highlight the soulful transformation that can take place within the therapeutic relationship, but are also grounded in truth, as each subject has read and approved the final draft of the story. Each standalone chapter dramatically ushers in each client, many of whom have been inspired to Yalom’s couch from his previous books. And as the book and sessions progress, it isn’t hard to imagine why these clients are so drawn to therapy with Yalom.
Any therapist who attended a day of graduate school knows Irvin D. Yalom. The 83-year-old psychiatrist, who has been practicing psychotherapy since the mid-1960s, wrote the preeminent book on group psychotherapy and is a legend in the field of psychology.
Yalom consistently shows his own humanness, layered with a deep understanding of the human psyche. Through the stories, he lays bare the sometimes imperfect way therapists stumble into helping people heal. One of my favorite stories in the book, “Thank you, Molly,” highlights how sometimes the most innocuous and unintended interventions can have the most powerful impact. While Yalom can wistfully remember the early days of being “rattled with uncertainty,” in this vignette, he inspires confidence that at the end of the day, it is providing a safe space, not fixing someone, that matters the most.
Yalom’s ability to humbly convey his therapeutic prowess while acknowledging his own internal struggles is both humanizing and relatable. The book expertly highlights how often a client already comes to the couch with sufficient insight; it is simply Yalom’s job to coax that insight to the surface by creating a deep sense of safety and permission.
Whether you’ve been or want to be a therapist, a client or both, this book is incredibly powerful. You could easily sit down on the beach or in front of a fire and devour this in an afternoon. It’s entertaining and real. However, I’d recommend you slow down, savor the experience, and explore all that these stories bring up for you.
If you are a therapeutic professional, I’d highly recommend reading this book as part of a book club or consultation group. There is powerful wisdom, insight, and questions raised about the therapeutic process, including inquiries about self-disclosure, the power of being known, the power of being able to share a client’s story, and so much more.
I’d also recommend professionals give a copy to their loved ones to read. With confidentiality at the forefront of this profession, it is almost impossible to talk about one’s work as a therapist without inadvertently sharing details of a confidential or private nature. This book can illustrate to loved ones how therapy works, the toll it takes, and why we still are so enthralled by the process.
Receiving a private, advanced copy of the book to read review has been both fantastic and ironically isolating, since my take is that the book is extremely validating and connecting. I found myself wanting to talk to others about the book, deeply desiring to reach out to my therapist colleagues and delve into each chapter alongside them.
Based on my personal reactions and responses to the book, I have already begun assembling a book club of therapists to tackle and discuss these pages. And I’d highly recommend you do the same, therapist or not.
If you are a therapist and interested in joining a Creatures of the Day monthly book club, order your copy and then click here to request access to the book club. We will add you to an online group where we will host monthly hangouts, and allow you to connect with other therapists near you.
Cohen, S., Janicki-Deverts, D., Turner, R. B., & Doyle, W. J. (2015). Does hugging provide stress-buffering social support? A study of susceptibility to upper respiratory infection and illness. Psychological Science.
Although relationships have disappointments and conflicts, love isn’t supposed to be painful and so much hurt. By not having boundaries, we harm ourselves and the relationship. We might also confuse love with being someone’s caretaker.
Parental love is expected to be unconditional and one-sided toward their young children. As they grow, good parenting includes mutual respect for each other’s boundaries. Caregiving is a normal outgrowth of love and is also part of healthy adult relationships. When someone we love is in need, we naturally want to help. Yet there’s a difference between “caregiving” and codependent “caretaking.” In the latter situation, we might care for someone in a manner that is intrusive or enabling. We do harm to the other person and risk sacrificing our own lives in the process.
With codependent caretaking, often there’s more “taking” than giving. The caretaker’s objectives can subtly take precedence. This is because caregiving comes from abundance, and caretaking emanates from need and deprivation. Caretaking can become so habitual that it enables and disables the recipient, so that he or she doesn’t take responsibility for his or her behavior and needs. It treats that person like a child who doesn’t have to grow up and reinforces his or her lack of confidence. Again, due to lack of boundaries, caretaking eventually negatively affects the relationship as a whole.
When one partner acts as a caretaker of the other, it creates an imbalance and unhealthy mutual dependency — codependence. The caretaker doesn’t have to be as vulnerable as his or her partner. The caretaker feels needed and superior and at the same time is assured that his or her partner won’t leave. Over time, both end up feeling guilty and angry. The more a caretaker becomes invested in the problems of his or her partner, the more that advice and control characterize the dynamic between them. What may have started out as an act of love devolves into resentment when well-meaning advice or wisdom isn’t followed.
So how can you tell the difference between caregiving and caretaking? Here are some of the differences:
Caretaker
Caregiver
A Caretaking Quiz
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
The challenge of change is learning to detach and let go. That doesn’t mean we care any less about our loved ones, but we allow them the dignity of making mistakes and finding their own way. We take care of our own needs that we may be neglecting, and we empower others to do the same by supporting their choices. That also means we empathically and lovingly allow them to suffer the resulting consequences, by not removing the natural consequences of their actions, nor having an “I told you so” attitude.
Make “live and let live” your mantra, and practice saying things like:
Watching those you love struggle can be very difficult, and it can take all your strength not to jump in and help, especially when others expect you to behave in the old way. They’ll likely try to reel you in to give advice and other help. Because caretaking can be a compulsion, you may need outside support to maintain your boundaries and not be overwhelmed with guilt.
Detachment doesn’t mean being emotionally cold, but taking a hands-off, ego-off approach. This is truly loving someone. Your guilt and resentment will lessen in time, making for a better relationship.
For more on detachment and enabling, see Codependency for Dummies, and get “14 Tips for Letting Go” on my website.
© Darlene Lancer 2015
Changes in sexual politics have left men mystified about how to behave when shopping for lingerie.1
One of the saddest sights in nature is that of the human male, forlornly trailing his girlfriend around a shopping mall. The shuffling gait, the slumped shoulders, and that glazed look in the eyes that seems to say “When can I go home and play Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare?”
But how do men behave when they step into a lingerie store?
Scientists from Saint Mary’s University in Halifax wondered if the sexual imagery -- the lingerie, the advertisements depicting gorgeous models in a state of undress -- stimulate and interest male shoppers. Or, if being surrounded by intimate apparel causes men to feel anxious and embarrassed, and to behave like cornered wild beasts.
Eager to find out, Kimberly Moule and Maryanne Fisher went on safari to their local mall. They sat at a table in the food court, near the entrance to a lingerie store. From there they had a wide open view of the store’s interior. They kept their eyes peeled for male-female couples. When they spotted a pair, they made a note of all the man’s behaviors -- whether he interacted with the merchandise or talked to his partner, how he moved about the store, and where he directed his gaze. Later, the psychologists repeated their observations at a regular clothing store.
We also talk about how they cope with stress, the biggest myth about therapy, their suggestions for leading a meaningful life — and much, much more.
This month we’re pleased to feature Diana Pitaru, who pens the new Psych Central blog “Unleash Your Creativity.” Pitaru, MS, LPC, is a Romanian psychotherapist in private practice in Denver, Colo.
She is passionate about psychology, philosophy, art and culture and how these areas intersect to improve mental health. As such, she offers support to artists, scientists, researchers and creative people who have a history of trauma, feel stuck (creatively or otherwise) and struggle with depression.
Learn more about Pitaru and her practice at http://ift.tt/1CekTaD.
1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?
I am surprised with how malleable the field of psychotherapy is in that as a therapist, I have the flexibility to incorporate ideas that come from a wide range of areas (philosophy, art, and culture) in order to help expand my clients’ perspective in a way that deeply resonates with who they are and the path they seek in life.
I was also surprised by the fact that therapy — unlike the way it’s portrayed in the media and my experience as a client — is not a one-way process, but more of a collaboration between therapist and client. I am surprised with how much my clients teach me about the importance of an open mind in order to see what’s in front more clearly.
2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?
I thoroughly enjoyed Art &Fear: Observations on the Perils and Rewards of Artmaking by D. Bayles and T. Orland. While this is not a psychotherapy book, it does a great job of exploring psychology concepts that pertain to the creative person.
3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?
The biggest myth I continue to encounter is that “Therapy is for crazy people.” I hear this myth both with new clients as well as outside the office with acquaintances and I suspect it is the main reason why a lot of people use therapy as a last resort, long after the problem they’ve been dealing with has amplified.
The origins of this myth whether social (transmitted from generation to generation) or from media portray the therapy goer as someone out of touch with reality or psychotic. In reality, therapy is effective and helpful not only for people who struggle with severe clinical issues, but anyone who feels stuck or needs a change in perspective.
4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?
The answer to this question relates closely to the myth of therapy. I think that a lot of new clients have certain expectations about themselves that are not necessarily realistic; based on these expectations, clients (particularly new to therapy) come in feeling like they are broken and need to be fixed, ashamed for seeking therapy and not being able to resolve the issue on their own.
Unrealistic expectations keep us stuck and unless checked, they create a huge obstacle to succeeding in therapy.
5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?
I find that the things that are more challenging in my work are also the reasons why I love what I do. Truly active listening requires me, as a therapist, to be fully engaged with my clients.
It’s almost like a trance, where everything about myself and my life fades to allow room for my client’s story to unfold. It can be challenging and draining to do this for six or seven hours during any day, but the rewards make it all worth it.
6. What do you love about being a therapist?
I love the process of therapy; the beginning when we’re building a relationship that shows a client who’s struggled with relationships that it is possible and that if they can do it in session, they can do it outside of it as well; helping clients learn to trust the process, the relationship, themselves, and me.
I enjoy helping the people I see explore themselves and discover in themselves, things and strengths they thought they lacked. Like many other therapists, I love the “aha” moments, the times when a client has worked hard and finally arrives to a point where he or she can see things clearly.
As a therapist, I get to help people find their path to authenticity and happiness.
7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?
Define what “meaningful” means to you and figure out what fears and insecurities keep you from making a conscious decision to start moving in that direction. Discover your inner strengths and ask for help when you’re stuck.
Finally, remember that constantly comparing yourself to other people whose definition of “meaningful” is different than yours, will only take you to their place to be, not yours.
8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?
I would absolutely do it all over again, maybe sooner since my undergrad is in Communication.
9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?
We are all human beings, and by definition we are flawed. There are times when we get so wrapped up in our experiences, feelings, values and beliefs that it becomes hard to take a step back and gain a new perspective, or help ourselves.
Progress in therapy comes with a high price particularly when you are looking for long-term results: it’s never easy to release pain and resolve past issues, it takes a lot of time, effort, and consistency.
Asking for help from a therapist does not equal weakness; it is the smart move to make in order to help yourself.
10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?
I check in with myself often, how I feel, how I react to things, what I think, etc. Being self-aware is probably the one tool I can use in order to help myself. Reflection gives me the space I need to figure out what’s going on with me and how I can help myself.
More often than not, after I reflect on an issue, I will engage in a creative activity to process my emotions (I either write, go out to take pictures, or paint).
When I feel stuck and none of the above work, I meet with my therapist for a fresh perspective.
Dubbed an “erotic fiction” and “mommy porn,” the Fifty Shades books are among the top selling novels of all time. In fact, worldwide sales are said to be over 100 million, and at its height one of these provocative page-turners was being sold every second.1 Given the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey, it is no wonder that the geniuses in Hollywood are planning to cash in on the “feels so good to be bad” phenomenon this Valentine’s Day. Of course, the question remains, should you go see this movie?
If you are like my sister, then you have already answered with a resounding, “Yes!” Of course, it is likely prudent to consider how this deliciously salacious movie may impact your relationship, for better or worse.
Proposing this Valentine’s Day? Read about the ritual here and things people consider before getting married here. To recap, the main elements of the traditional ritual are:
If any of the elements are missing, especially if there is no ring, then outsiders might think the engagement is not legitimate or the relationship itself is weak.1,3 Although people who are less traditional are fine with not having a ring, many think that the lack of a ring indicates a lack of sincerity on the part of the proposer. 1 Where did the notion that there needs to be a diamond ring start?
Okay, so you've figured out that you're going to give your partner a thoughtful, romantic gift during an intimate dinner (vs. as part of a flash mob), but now you have to figure out just what you should get your partner. Fortunately, you're in luck, because we asked men and women what they thought were the perfect gifts for Valentine's Day. Let's begin with women......
We asked survey respondents to respond to the following question:
What is the perfect Valentine's Day gift for a woman to receive? (please fill in anything you think a woman would most like)
Here are the top gifts listed for women (I wish we could say the results are shocking. We can't.)
That’s right. Jewelry. Turns out all those ads on TV may be on to something. 30% of the women in our sample listed some sort of jewelry as the best gift for a woman to receive on Valentine’s Day (and 37% of men agreed – looks like the message is coming in loud and clear).
Hopefully, you and your partner have a great sex life. For those of you who are satisfied with life between the sheets, you may still have ideas on how to make your sexual life better. And expressing your needs, wants, and desires can enhance your sex life.1
Yet, many intimate partners say that talking about sex can be difficult; it is a conversation that is laced with vulnerability. You may wonder, is my performance good enough? Is my partner satisfied? Even if sexual satisfaction is high, you may want to explore new sexual activities with your partner. Despite the legitimacy of such questions and conversation topics, individuals often avoid talking about sex because they don’t want to hurt their partners by providing not-so-favorable feedback or otherwise noting a partner’s sexual limitations. Fear of rejection or being judged keep individuals from bringing up the subject, too. My suggestion is that you take the plunge and have the conversation anyway; talking about sex could benefit your relationship in ways that far outweigh the risks associated with having such conversations.
Read more about Valentine's Day sex here.
