What I Learned About Love from Interviewing More Than 200 Couples

A former wedding reporter spills all. Hopelessly romantic or staunchly pragmatic, most of us could probably benefit from a lesson or two on love. And who better to turn to than a former wedding reporter who's written a book about what she's learned?At just 30 years old, Ellen McCarthy accepted a gig as editor of the "On Love" section at The Washington Post. She spent the next four years interviewing relationship experts and more than 200 couples to find out what love is all about. Taking the best of what these interviews have to offer, she's penned The Real Thing: Lessons on Love and Life from a Wedding Reporter's Notebook.We caught up with McCarthy to pick her brain on the biggest lessons she's learned from her years in the field.RELATED: 12 Dating Tips That Will Transform Your Love Life1. You Can Learn to be Good at Love"We like to think that we're going to meet the right person and everything will magically fall into place, rather than thinking this is an area in our life that we can invest in and endeavor to be good at," says McCarthy. In other words, romantic relationships are just like fitness, your finances, or your career—something you can put effort into and then see results.2. Changing Who You Are to Impress Someone Never Pays OffMcCarthy met a woman named Rebecca who spent her twenties contorting herself to please whatever guy she was dating at the moment. This approach was giving her stress headaches, and she eventually decided to give up pretending to be someone she wasn't. So she treated herself to a week of ski school out West and got more in touch with herself than she'd been in years. That's when she and her Argentinian ski school instructor fell in love.3. Comfort Trumps Fireworks Every TimeOne word that McCarthy kept hearing again and again when interviewing couples about why they picked that person to spend the rest of their life with? Comfortable. But that's not necessarily what people think to look for when they're on the hunt for the ultimate lover. "We're taught to look for lightning strikes, passion, and fireworks," says McCarthy. But comfort makes a whole lot of sense. In a long-term marriage, you need to be able to let down your guard.RELATED: 11 Reasons Men Love Being in a Relationship4. Expectations? Yeah, You Can Throw Those Out the WindowPeople think that finding the right person means that things will be perfect for the rest of their lives. But all relationships involve challenges and disagreements. To stay level-headed, it's a good idea to lower your expectations of marriage and your spouse. You shouldn't expect your partner to be your everything—your best friend, financial equal, co-parent, fulfiller of every sexual need, and entire support system. "It's too much to place on anyone's shoulders," says McCarthy. It's also just plain unrealistic.5. There's Nothing Wrong with Online DatingOf the hundreds of couples McCarthy has met, she estimates that 30 to 40 percent of them met online. So for those of us who expect to meet our mate in some movie-worthy Nora Ephron-esque way, it's probably never going to happen. "Who approaches a stranger in the produce aisle of the grocery store anymore?" asks McCarthy. She has a point. But the problem with online dating, she thinks, is that it can make people out to be products. Match.com isn't Amazon.com, McCarthy warns. The stigma of online dating is almost entirely gone, but we shouldn't short-sell the people on the other side of the screen.RELATED: The 12 Best Love Quotes of All Time6. The Right Person Isn't Going to Come in the Packaging You ExpectOne woman McCarthy came across really wanted a guy who could reach things high on a shelf. To her surprise, she fell in love with a shorter dude. Even McCarthy herself ended up with someone she never would have expected: She got married to a younger Jewish man who roots for the Washington Redskins in November 2012, even though she thought she'd end up with an older Irish, Catholic Buffalo Bills fan. It's important to open your eyes and broaden your heart beyond any preconceived notion of what your perfect person will look like.7. The Golden Rule Will Help Your Relationship Stand the Test of TimeMcCarthy learned this simple lesson from Bob and Henry, a couple who met and fell in love during World War II but concealed their relationship for decades. She thought their secret to a strong relationship would have to do with perseverance or not caring what people said. But their words of wisdom were: "You have to be polite and be nice." Treating your partner with the same courtesy and kindness as you would a stranger or a waiter is a pretty easy thing to do.8. Your Body Knows When Love Is TrueIt's natural to have doubts about your relationship from time to time. One thing that can help? Turning inward and asking yourself some key questions: Does this person feel like home? Can you breathe really well around him, or are you sucking in your stomach, holding your breath, or walking on egg shells? Ask yourself how staying with this person makes you feel. Ask yourself how leaving this person makes you feel. Your gut reaction to these questions will be very telling.

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