Lisa Find Love

Barry Yourgrau isn’t willing to own the label of “hoarder” despite the chaos and filth of his apartment. It is crammed with his “collections” — not only of books and souvenirs from his world travels but also of empty cardboard boxes, plastic bags, and junk heaps of paper. The kitchen counters are buried, the refrigerator is “a morgue locker of stains and ancient grubby jars and bottles,” the bathroom faucets have leaked for years. He spends most nights and eats most meals at his girlfriend’s house, and also refuses to permit anyone into his own.

But when his girlfriend, who has forgotten her keys, shows up at his door one day laden with heavy grocery bags and he still refuses her entry, she finally draws the line — not only when it comes to his apartment, but also his lack of income, the fact that she does all the cooking, that all their travels are related to her job as a food writer, and, generally, how he lives his life.

“You’re old enough to be a grandfather — and you live like a teenager,” she insists, challenging him to tell her what he brings to their relationship.

Yourgrau has no defense.

“…I know I have not only a problem, I have a cascading set of them,” he writes in Mess: One Man’s Struggle to Clean Up His House and His Act. “And I have to fix them. And I am in despair, yet again, because I have no idea how to do this.”

Thus Yourgrau embarks on what he calls the Project: digging out his apartment and the emotional and psychological clutter that led to the problem in the first place, all while writing a book about his process and hoarding in general. (Using, he freely confesses, research for the book as a procrastination tool.)

The result is a compelling and thoroughly entertaining hybrid of memoir and research. By allowing us entry to his apartment, his therapy sessions, and his innermost beliefs and conflicts, Yourgrau tells a story as addictive as a whodunit — one we might call a whydunit.

I was drawn, for a short time, to the voyeuristic reality shows Hoarders and Hoarders: Buried Alive because anything involving rummaging around in the human psyche fascinates me. But I soon tired of the shows and found them depressing, mostly because so much of what you see is cosmetic changes to the home. I rarely felt confident that these were sustainable. Not unreasonably, the intensely personal work of digging into the psychological reasons for the dysfunction is done off camera, with we the viewer catching only occasional commentary from the therapist assigned to each case.

But in Mess, Yourgrau, an insightful and witty writer, provides us glimpses into his process and his psyche, from the heavy family-of-origin baggage he totes around to the mystical hold objects have on him. “Objects become the genies of their affiliations — invasive spell casters,” he writes.

The book’s cast of characters includes his girlfriend, whose nom de plume changes a couple of time through the course of the story, and her mother; his therapists; members of a Clutterers Anonymous group he tries briefly; various experts in the psychology of hoarding; other experts in organizing and decluttering; and one particular hardcore hoarder who allows Yourgrau an up-close experience of what a real hoard is like. The book also explores hoarders throughout history, such as the infamous Collyer brothers, who lived and died in a New York brownstone surrounded by a monumental hoard of more than 140 tons.

Yourgrau’s investigations ultimately lead to personal epiphanies and — spoiler alert — an apartment clean and cozy enough to allow others entry. It sounds to me as if he did make his way to sustainable change in his living quarters. And I trust this book will also represent a turning point in his previously floundering career.

Mess: One Man’s Struggle to Clean Up His House and His Act
W. W. Norton & Company, August 2015
Hardcover, 256 pages
$25.95

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A well thought out, systemic approach for looking at how we communicate and the impact it has on those around us, Marty Babits’s new book should be on hand for anyone in a relationship.

In I’m Not a Mind Reader: Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship, Babits reveals the way our words affect others — especially our romantic partners. He begins by laying out just what he means by three-dimensional communication. The first dimension, Babits tells us, is the literal meaning of our words. Through narrative example, he describes how when we “misspeak, mishear, misunderstand, confuse, conflate, or otherwise misconstrue what has been said” we make serious errors that can lead to relationship problems. But in the second dimension, he goes deeper: the emotional undertone of the message, and the attitude with which we say the words.

Then, the third dimension, Babits tell us, is where we or our partners take what happens in the first and second dimensions and compare and contrast it with the goals of the relationship.

“Partners judge whether their conversation adds to or detracts from the atmosphere of emotional safety in the relationship,” he writes. But what is emotional safety? Babits says it results from “a process of self-monitoring called neuroception.” Using examples from his many years as a therapist, Babits then dives into the interactions, triggers, and emotions that so often undermine emotional safety.

Unraveling complex interactions, Babits takes us into the therapy office with him. He encourages us with tips to increase doubt awareness, slow down the communication, build empathy, examine our interpretations, and front-load our conversations with positive intention. While these concepts have the potential to become vague, Babits cleverly packs each chapter with assessments and exercises to help cement and clarify his tools.

Moving from the foundation of relationships to the recovering of them, Babits then explores how critical conversations can either disable trust or support it. Using an example of a couple at an impasse, he introduces the many ways that innocent interactions can easily derail a relationship. He presents an interaction, then parses it — and shows how several different outcomes can emerge from this one exchange.

There are two pitfalls, Babits tells us, that are especially easy to fall into. One is “the power of the unconscious.” As he writes, “we tend to deny its influence on our relationships and pay a price for that.”

At the same time, he writes, “our preconceptions limit our ability to see clearly what is in front of our noses.”

The good news is, for every failed communication, there may be a way to recover. Even for a couple whose affection has turned cool, Babits writes, there are ways to move toward a warm feeling, and a place where arguments can be quickly resolved.

Babits also introduces us to the latest research on neuroscience in relationships. Drawing our attention to how up-regulation of the limbic system shuts down the frontal cortex and cognitive control, Babits shows us how to create a “contingency plan” to avoid chronic fight-or-flight responses. He also shows how we react to a variety of stimuli, and how “primal emotions” — such as rage, panic, lust, and fear — influence our empathy.

And empathy is, of course, important. Babits provides tools to detect and build empathy, as well as ways to avoid power struggles. As he puts it, in many relationships the power struggle “becomes the medium through which all emotion is exchanged.” And that, he writes, makes it “the enemy of love,” as it “hypnotizes partners into focusing on not getting hurt.”

What Babits leaves us with is a way to resist this hypnosis. His book not only challenges the power struggle we might find ourselves in, but gives us the rope we need to pull ourselves out.

I’m Not a Mind Reader: Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship
HCI, May 2015
Paperback, 264 pages
$15.95

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We live in a shame culture that attacks our confidence on a daily basis. Because of this we often feel flawed, unlovable, and unworthy.

Shame hurts … bad. Not only emotionally, but also physically. According to Guy Winch, Ph.D., author of Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure and Other Everyday Hurts, rejection and physical pain are so entwined that when research participants were given Tylenol before beginning a rejection experiment, they experienced less intense feelings than the participants who did not receive Tylenol.

Chronic shame also damages health and can lead to heart disease, digestive illnesses, immune disorders, and migraines, as well as a host of mental and mood disorders.

Here are 7 bold ways to bounce back when shame or humiliation brings you down.

1. Recognize your personal shame response and identify your triggers. The “shame response” is a chemical and electrical reaction in your body to the meanings we attach to our experiences. A trigger for me is not necessarily a trigger to you. For some of us appearance is a trigger, for others guilt around parenting. Know in advance what stirs up shame for you.

2. Reach out to someone you trust. Notable shame researcher, speaker, and author Brené Brown says to only share with someone who has “earned the right to hear our stories” — someone who offers empathy while being honest. This is one of the most important shame resilience tools we have because empathy heals shame.

So, make a list of the people whose opinions you value (and trust) and carry this list with you. The next time your shame sneaks up on you and takes your breath (and your confidence) away, call someone on the list, as soon as possible.

3. Get a bear hug. Why a bear hug? Neuroeconomist Paul Zak reports that full body hugs of 20 seconds or more encourage the release of oxytocin, the “connection” hormone. Psychologist Matthew Hertenstein says, “Stimulating touch receptors under the skin can lower blood pressure and cortisol levels, effectively reducing stress.” Shame increases stress, while hugs decrease it. ‘Nuff said.

4. Repeat a mantra to yourself. Shame and humiliation trigger a primal survival response and when this happens, the rational part of our brain usually shuts down. A mantra refocuses your mind, reminding you to act instead of react. Pick a mantra that resonates with you. Here are a few of my favorite mantras:

“Action is the antidote to despair.” – Joan Baez
“If you give your fear legs, it will run away with your dreams.” – L. Collins
“Excellence does not require perfection.” – Henry James

Mantras are easy to use. Carry one with you (in your wallet or purse) or record it on your phone. Choose one as a screen saver for your computer. Write one on your bathroom mirror where you’ll see it every day. Type a mantra on pretty paper and frame it for your office desk. Turn a mantra into your laptop password. The important thing is to keep it readily available so you can see it when needed.

5. Create and practice a “shame recovery” ritual. Peter A. Levine, Ph.D., found that movement is essential to recovering from a stress response. So, create a fun playlist of recovery anthems on your smartphone such as: Taylor Swift’s, “Shake it Off;” Kelly Clarkson’s, “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You;)” Katy Perry’s, “Roar;” and Sara Bareilles’, “Brave.”  Whatever song lifts you up, crank up the music and dance, walk, run or spin any lingering bad energy away.

6. Practice Power Posing. “What is a power pose,” you ask? It’s standing like “Wonder Woman” or “Super Man” — for two minutes. Amy Cuddy, Ph.D., researches discrimination and stereotyping. She found that power posing lowered cortisol (a stress hormone) and increased testosterone (a confidence boosting hormone).

Students that struck a power pose before going through a rigorous job interview, reported feeling more confident. So follow your Momma’s advice: stand tall, keep your shoulders back, and sit straight at your desk. You’ll feel better and restore your confidence more quickly.

7. Own your story. One of my favorite Brené Brown quotes states, “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do.” To recover your confidence after experiencing shame, you must own your story — all of it. It is only by facing the parts that frighten you most that you realize you ARE enough.

Once you rebound from this shame attack, know that shame or humiliation will likely circle back around and try to kick your butt again … at some point in your life. But hold your head up high, because now you know how to meet that monster head on and wrestle it back into place.

Read more at YourTango:

20 Ways To Be Good To Yourself Today

Everything You Need To (Finally!) Love Yourself Naked

11 Quotes That Will Make You Want To Hug Your BFF

 

 

Article originally posted at YourTango

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I truly believe that people are well-meaning. But when it comes to helping others through their loss, some of us just don’t have the skills to aid a grieving individual. We are often uncomfortable around those who have had a loved one die, and say things that are not helpful. And we often want to rush the other person through their grief, as it is difficult to sit in sadness.

In No Time for Tears: Coping with Grief in a Busy World, Judy Heath addresses a number of different aspects when it comes to loss, especially when it comes to responding to a person who is grieving and taking note of what they are going through. The book is also for grievers themselves. Most impressive, perhaps, is the way Heath deftly addresses overlooked issues, such as grieving for those not related to us by blood, or grieving secondarily for practical things, such as the way a partner took care of the kids or the house.

There are common reactions to a loss, Heath writes, such as denial, shock, and sorrow. But there are also lesser-known characteristics that can surprise a griever. These include loneliness; feeling like you are going crazy; feeling out of sync; experiencing changes in sleep, eating, and energy levels; having panic attacks; and being unable to focus.

These are, Heath explains, normal reactions, but we do not always recognize them as such.

Shock, too, can be part of the picture: a way of telling us that we have suffered a trauma and that our body is protecting us from too much stimulus; a sort of buffer. Heath describes this feeling as floating through a fog.

When my father died, I know my mother had this type of reaction. She had lost her husband of sixty years. Now, three years later, she says she doesn’t remember much of the first few weeks after his death and that she felt like she was just moving along and letting other move her.

As for that more famous emotion — denial — Health writes that some denial is healthy, as it provides a cushion for grief. But when it disrupts a person’s forward motion in moving through their grief, that is a signal that they may need professional assistance. Anger, too, can be useful, Heath writes. It is a natural reaction to loss. In fact, if we deny our anger and instead let it build, it can become toxic.

And, Heath points out, there we don’t really have much control over emotions related to grief. And those emotions can sometimes feel conflicting, such as if we are relieved that a long illness has ended, but also angry about it. Knowing the types of emotions and reactions that may lie ahead can be helpful — a way to anticipate, somewhat, the unknown, and try to recognize that we are not quite in control.

Heath also cautions us to be on the lookout for “judgers.” These are the people who tell us how we should be feeling or where we should be in the grief process. They are well-meaning, but misguided. We all experience grief in our own way. So Heath encourages readers to take care of themselves first and not be pushed to do things around grief that make them feel uncomfortable, just because another person says they should.

One way Heath does say we can help ourselves is by telling what she calls the story of the death. This is the story we tell others and ourselves about the circumstances of how our loved one died — and Heath believes it is critical to the grieving process. Stories that are filled with guilt or anger may show that a person needs counseling to work through their feelings and avoid getting stuck in unresolved grief. But other stories, when told over and over, pave a road to acceptance.

An interesting aspect of the book is secondary losses — the often forgotten byproducts of loss. For instance, Heath writes, a practical secondary loss may be that after a loved one dies, the person left behind realizes that the deceased was the one who took care of finances or children, or did the yard work, and so on. Now, all of that is left to the person still living. Meanwhile, another type of secondary loss, called self-secondary loss, can be a new loneliness after a person is gone, a lack of confidence, or the loss of a future you had planned with another person. These secondary losses can continue to affect the griever months and even years later, and can open and re-open the wounds of grieving.

Because those in grief are, as Heath puts it, redefining their whole worlds, caring individuals who want to help must realize that sometimes the overwhelmed griever needs to give their minds a rest. Some people, for instance, find comfort in returning to work. There is, she reiterates, no right or wrong way to deal with the experience.

Overall, Heath’s book is quite useful in providing real case scenarios as well as practical suggestions. Notably, she also provides excellent tools and resources for some of the more overlooked types of grief, such as after the loss of a pet or a friend.

I also liked how each chapter could stand on its own. That gives grievers the chance to share with others a particular chapter that applies to their situation, which can help open communication with others about what they’re going through.

After a loss, Heath writes, we return in bits and pieces. Even though we look the same, we never will be the same again. Here is a book to help us through it, and that we can also use to become more supportive of others.

No Time for Tears: Coping with Grief in a Busy World
Chicago Review Press, May 2015
Paperback, 288 pages
$16.95

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Closeness in the Real Life

This past Valentine’s Day social media feeds were flooded with Mandy Len Catron’s (2015) New York Times article² discussing Arthur Aron’s (1997) study aimed at creating interpersonal closeness.¹ The article focused on a series of questions, which involve increasing levels of self-disclosure, that help develop intimacy between people. Shortly following the publication of this article, peoples’ accounts of their own experiences with Aron et al.’s 36 questions spread all over social media.

Ms. Catron put social psychologist Arthur Aron’s questions to the test by spending 90 minutes answering them in a bar with a university acquaintance of hers and then by standing on a bridge staring into this man’s eyes. Before describing the outcome of her real life research replication, it is important to outline Aron et al.’s work.

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When you're headed to the ER, you're probably too busy to ponder the difference between the ER and a trauma center. But it is good to know how they differ.

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You know how there is always that person who can’t wait to bring you down, burst your bubble, and tell you how bad things are? Well, sometimes that person is you. Those voices in your head that say you aren’t good enough, life stinks, and things will never change. This can reflect in your relationships and give off an attitude that will keep the right person from coming closer.

The voices roll around and around and steal your chance for love. They urge you to do things that you might regret, and they remind you all of the time how you just aren’t good enough, which will put a wall around you and the people you want to attract.

Did you ever think about the voices – where do they come from? Why are they so hard on you? Why do they carry such a negative tone? If you saw someone on the street talking to themselves, you might step off the sidewalk and give a wide berth. You’d probably label them “crazy,” but we talk to ourselves all day long and we don’t think anything about it.

The voices come in uninvited; after all, you’d probably not allow another person to talk to you the way you talk to yourself. You would be appalled if your best friend said the things to you that you take for granted as they pass through your consciousness!

If you lack energy, feel defeated or angry some days, and generally have a sense of malaise, maybe it is time to uninvite those voices – or change them out for friendlier ones. While it may seem automatic and natural to speak so negatively in your mind, you can take your voices back and have a more powerful you emerge.

Three key things to get back to a more powerful you:

Recognize that the voices are invited in and you can invite them to leave. This means acknowledging that they are there – awareness is the first step. Start to notice when you feel stressed, sad, defeated or angry. What is causing that negative emotion? It’s likely a reaction to an event or a condition where the voices start to point out those terrible things. Be aware that they are there, and they are chattering to you.

Once you “hear” the voices, start talking to them: “I don’t need you.” “You aren’t welcome here.” Yes, treat them as if they are outsiders who wandered into your brain but are not permanent visitors. Actually (mentally) speak to them and tell them you are inviting them to leave.

Be ready with positive replacements. This can be different self-talk for different situations. If you know, for example, that your negative self-talk kicks in when those aggressive drivers cut you off in traffic, and you start to talk to yourself about the rude people in the world and how everything is going to pot as a result…be ready the next time you get in your car. Have self-talk at the ready, such as “I’m just driving to a destination. Other drivers don’t affect me,” or “What other people do has no bearing on how I react and feel. I control my reactions and emotions.” Be prepared, and have your positive self-talk in gear before you need it.

Words are powerful. They trigger us and have an impact on how we react, how we feel, and what we do in response. The words you use in your own mind to tell yourself what’s right or wrong are just as powerful as those someone else might say to you. Watch your words and tame the voices – you have the control to do it. A positive self image internally will project on the world and attract the person you truly deserve.

 

Beverly D. Flaxington, The Human Behavior Coach ®, MBA, is a three-time bestselling and Gold-award winning author, international speaker, successful entrepreneur, business consultant, executive coach, Certified Hypnotherapist, college professor, corporate trainer, facilitator, and Certified Behavioral Analyst. She has created trademarked success models, is often interviewed and quoted on her views. She is also a mother of three children and actively involved in animal rescue. Learn more about her at http://ift.tt/1fMvYf4

 

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Can you lift your frrend with just a few fingers? Yes. Learn all about 'light as a feather, stiff as a board' at HowStuffWorks.

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If we make assumptions about the type of person who becomes a school shooter, we may miss real warning signs. As Peter Langman writes in his new book, School Shooters: Understanding High School, College, and Adult Perpetrators, not all perpetrators are bullied. Not all of them are on the periphery of social peer groups, and not all of them are male.

Langman is a psychologist who has assessed psychiatric patients and mass-murder risk, and who has published a previous book on school shooters. He has one of the largest online collections of materials related to these acts of mass violence, and has trained law enforcement, mental health, and education professionals in attempting to identify potential killers.

Here, he explains who school shooters are, what drives them to commit murder, and how we can spot warning signs before it’s too late.

When we think of a school shooter, Langman writes, we think of a bullied individual who is most likely male and Caucasian. However, school shooters do not fit a stereotype — they are not a homogenous group. Langman presents case examples of perpetrators as young as eleven and as old as sixty-two. He presents a Harvard graduate, a female thrill-seeker. Each defies what we tend to expect.

He also places the forty-eight shootings he’s studied into categories. Secondary school shooters are current students or ones who attended the school within the last three years. College shooters are current or recent students or employees who attack a college or university. Aberrant adult shooters, meanwhile, are those unusual perpetrators who have no connection to the school where they commit murder.

Perpetrators are usually psychopathic, psychotic, and/or traumatized, Langman writes — but throughout the book he drives home the point that having one or more of these characteristics does not mean a person will necessarily become a mass shooter.

A fascinating statistic in the book is that only one out of the forty-eight shooters Langman has closely studied actually targeted a student who had bullied them. We usually think of it is some kind of revenge, but, Langman shows, it simply does not appear to be the case.

The book also presents a number of school shooters who were fascinated with the military or law enforcement — and who often were rejected or discharged or denied opportunities to join. Other common subjects of fascination include weapons, extreme ideologies, and even other mass murderers. For example, Kipland Kinkel, who killed four people and wounded an additional twenty-five people at Thurston High School in Springfield, Oregon, “admired the Unabomber and had even given an oral report on making bombs.”

And when it comes to weapons, potential perpetrators’ access to firearms is key, too.

Another pattern that emerges from Langman’s research is the number of school shooters with biological challenges that possibly affected their identify development. Eric Harris, for instance, one of the Columbine shooters, had a chest deformity that required two surgeries, as well as a leg birth defect — and he hated his looks.

Langman emphasizes the importance of attempting to stop school shootings before a perpetrator is able to set foot on school grounds. One way is to watch for what he calls “attack-related behaviors.” These include stockpiling weapons, creating a hit list, diagramming the school, and/or writing or filming plans. It’s also important to look for “leakage,” Langman writes: the act of telling plans to others directly, indirectly, or through school assignments.

Some of those profiled in the book talked about their plans to go on a school rampage before doing so. For example, Charles Whitman killed sixteen people and wounded thirty-two when he opened fire from a clock tower at the University of Texas, Austin. Prior to his violence, he had spoken to friends about shooting people from the tower, and even told his psychiatrist about the idea.

In this interesting, enlightening, and thought-provoking book, Langman details the importance of early detection and intervention for people suffering from mental health issues. At the same time, he cautions us not to jump to conclusions about individuals who may happen to share certain traits.

School Shooters: Understanding High School, College, and Adult Perpetrators
Rowan & Littlefield, January 2015
Hardcover, 298 pages
$36

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Therapy is about exploring the interior world, often with an expert who is trained to guide and assess and help us make sense of our responses to experiences. Therapy is rarely about seeing the client as the expert. But where trauma is concerned, there is no better person equipped to understand the pain, suffering, and anguish than the client herself.

This makes treatment for trauma especially challenging. For example, studies have shown that rape is far more psychologically traumatizing that most modern military combat. However, rape, despite the profound distress, appears to be easier to recover from than combat trauma. The reasons for this are complex and range from individual coping styles to pre-existing evidence of psychological instability, to name a few. In short, there are no neatly packaged explanations for the various types of trauma, nor do foolproof treatment approaches exist for those who have endured it.

David Emerson’s new book, Trauma-Sensitive Yoga in Therapy: Bringing the Body Into Treatment, offers an intriguing alternative to help clients cope with trauma. Emerson, director of yoga services at the Trauma Center, part of the Justice Resource Institute, first used yoga as a complement to traditional trauma treatment in 2003. To test its efficacy, he and his team devised a body-awareness scale to measure trauma sufferers’ “sense of themselves and relationship to their physical beings.” The intent of the scale was to determine if doing yoga could change a survivor’s perception of her body.

The results were notable. Throughout the next several years, Emerson and his team refined their scale and were able to expand their sample population with the assistance of a grant from the National Institutes of Health. The team found that post-traumatic stress syndrome sufferers who had pre-existing complex trauma histories were particularly susceptible to the benefits of what Emerson calls trauma-sensitive yoga, or TSY for short.

Trauma-sensitive yoga, Emerson writes, “directly targets the very symptoms that other approaches struggle to address by using the body purposefully.” He recommends the basic tenets of yoga as complements to traditional trauma therapies, including breath work, mindfulness, and body awareness.

But as therapists know, trauma is quite complicated. One issue is that a traditional talk therapist is neither able to resurrect nor fully reframe the traumatic event for the client. Instead, the therapist is left with only the client’s own memory of the event, along with the body that experienced it.

TSY, however, acknowledges that the client’s body was indeed there, and still carries that trauma, Emerson explains. Specifically, his approach views the body as the consistent remnant of the traumatic event.

This, Emerson posits, is where TSY can be an advantage: It does not propose to refigure the cause of trauma, or to have the client articulate the complex emotions surrounding the event. Instead, TSY engages the body, or, more appropriately, it engages the place where the trauma lives.

But there are lots of different types of yoga. Is one form more beneficial than another when it comes to healing from trauma? It isn’t about the style or the form of yoga, Emerson writes. TSY uses postures that show up across different types of yoga, and “the focus is not on the external expression of the form but rather on the internal experience of the practitioner.”

In other words, the client does not need to get a form “right.” Rather, the idea is to work with something visceral rather than cognitive — and allow the client to shift her focus away from the external and toward her internal body sensations.

Sometimes such a shift can occur simply by inviting a client to notice what she feels within a particular part of her body, Emerson writes. But there is no need to interpret or label those feelings, he explains, only a need to invite acknowledgement and practice awareness in the moment.

“Our work,” Emerson writes, “is to strengthen the visceral, non-emotional aspect of our interoceptive capacity, not our capacity to transform body experiences into emotions.”

Often, and especially in the case of sexual trauma, the client finds her body to be the most frightening place of all. Trauma-sensitive yoga seeks to give the client permission to access that place.

This is not a book of anecdotes, but a book that describes a method and how it has been shown to help a wide range of clients with trauma. Emerson’s passion is evident on every page, but he is forthcoming about the potential limitations of TSY: It is not a cure, nor is it a temporary remedy for an otherwise long-term condition.

Instead, TSY is to be used in tandem with traditional therapy. And it is a tool for coping that I, for one, think is worth considering.

Trauma-Sensitive Yoga in Therapy: Bringing the Body Into Treatment
W. W. Norton & Company, February 2015
Hardcover, 240 pages
$29.95

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Imagine that you have a personal goal, such as exercising regularly. Now, imagine you also have a romantic partner. That partner can either help (e.g. by encouraging you to join them in exercising) or hinder (e.g., by encouraging you to stay home and binge watch your favorite TV show) your pursuit of your goal to exercise regularly. If your partner helps you, researchers would say that your partner is instrumental to helping you pursue the goal. If instead of helping you, your partner hindered, or got in the way of completing the goal or didn’t help you to complete it, then researchers would say that your partner is non-instrumental to helping you complete the goal.

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Is having three biological parents possible? Find out if we can throw a third set of genes into the mix to create a baby.

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Subconsciously or consciously, how often do you find yourself apologizing? You slightly bump into a stranger and you mutter a ‘sorry.’ A coworker interrupts you, and yet, you find yourself stammering to apologize first. Or, perhaps just as frequently, you find yourself talking about a bad date and when you feel like your friend has had enough, you quickly quiet yourself, say you’re ‘sorry for venting’ and move on.

It’s a habit that many women (and men) are guilty of and one that’s difficult to break. Continuously shaming yourself doesn’t help build your confidence, and often times can be unattractive to possible boyfriends or girlfriends who are looking for a partner, not someone who can’t hold their own. While it might not feel like it’s in your nature to stand up, speak up, and be proud of your opinions, convictions, and emotions, chances are, your date will be impressed with your willingness to be open, vulnerable, and honest about how you think and feel.

In my past several years of being single and going on (way too many) dates, it’s taken me a lot of time (and wine) to finally figure out how to be brave enough to be myself. And while I haven’t met that right person yet, I have learned how to have courage and to stop apologizing for these things:

1. I’m not sorry that I expect you to communicate.

Online dating can wear on anyone – there’s constant back-and-forth exchanges, but very little face-to-face time to genuinely get to know someone. There’s also many messages to weed through that can be boring, rude or just plain ridiculous. For a while, I would always step up and speed up the conversation myself, oftentime apologizing for being so forward. The funny thing? Men never cared that I carried the conversation, but I did. In a future partner, I really want someone who is not only a talker, but that can ask interesting questions, have meaningful decisions, and hopefully, teach me a thing or two from his own wealth of wisdom. I’m not sorry that I want a communicator – I’m sorry I ever thought I could settle for less than that.

2. I’m not sorry that I have deal breakers.

Over the years, due to age and to what I’ve experienced in the dating world, my deal breakers have changed. I’ve become lenient on certain things, while other qualities matter much more to me than they did when I was in my early 20s. But oftentimes when a friend or family member asks you, ‘What was wrong with that guy?’ and you give them an answer as simple as, ‘The chemistry wasn’t there’ – they always raise an eyebrow.

For better or for worse, not being attracted to someone – regardless if that’s based on height, mannerisms, voice or a million other things – is just as important as their personality. And well, if it’s a big deal to you to be with someone who is ambitious or loving or has a great family, that’s fine. I’m no longer apologizing for being ‘too picky’ or ‘having too high of standards’ because I’m not and I don’t. I simply know what I want, and I know when it’s there or not. After all, practice makes perfect and dating is something I’ve definitely been working hard at.

3. I’m not sorry for being honest.

Yeah, I used to laugh at jokes that I thought were inappropriate, condescending or crude. And sure, I used to just go along with the conversation, even if I disagreed. I would bite my tongue to avoid confrontation, but now? I’m excited to share, unafraid to argue and convicted in my beliefs. If a date says something that I find offensive, I will politely call them out on it. If I really don’t want to split the cheese-and-meat platter, I’ll pass. If I don’t want to have another drink because I’m not interested, I won’t have one to save his feelings. I not only value my time (and my date’s time), but I know what I’m worth and I know that pretending to be attracted when I’m not, will only end in more disappointment than it’s worth.

4. I’m not sorry that I still want romance.

Now, you can skip the rose petals and the soft music with candles dimly lit in the background. But kind, thoughtful gestures – like opening the door for me – they’re still important. While the digital age and the generation of getting-what-we-want-when-we-want-it has made us all invested in an instant-gratification mantra, the reality is that there is still something sexy about mystery and romance. You could Google me and know everything, you could take me to the place with the most Yelp stars, or you could actually take the time to get to know me and not be afraid to express how you feel. To me, that willingness and those gentlemanly acts are the things that will make me feel connected and appreciated. And yes, in the mood, too.

5. I’m not sorry that I want real love.

The truth is, if I really wanted just any ‘ole boyfriend, I would have had a dozen by now. There have been plenty of fine guys, okay men, and dudes that likely would have wanted to be exclusive…but I would also be bored out of my mind. So many friends have given me a hard time or questioned if I would ever find a guy to hold my attention, but I’m not worried (most of the time). I would rather have the opportunity to meet someone special than to waste time with a fleeting relationship. There is so much of the world to see, so many adventures to have, and so many things to learn without being tied down to someone you don’t actually want to build a life with.

I’m not sorry for holding out for the big love and I won’t apologize for who I am. And one day, there will be a man who is glad I took a stand against ‘sorry.’

Lindsay Tigar is a 26-year-old single writer, editor, and blogger living in New York City. She started her popular dating blog, Confessions of a Love Addict, after one too many terrible dates with tall, emotionally unavailable men (her personal weakness) and is now developing a book about it, represented by the James Fitzgerald Agency. She writes for eHarmony, YourTango, REDBOOK, and more. When she isn’t writing, you can find her in a boxing or yoga class, booking her next trip, sipping red wine with friends or walking her cute pup, Lucy.

The post 5 Things I’m No Longer Apologizing For in Dating appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

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Fascinating facts about Francis Scott Key, the writing of what would become America's national anthem, and the War of 1812 battle flag that inspired it all.

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“One day I woke up and realized I didn’t have a life.”

That’s how neuroscientist Wendy Suzuki begins her new book, Healthy Brain, Happy Life. Then, with the help of writer Billie Fitzpatrick, she lets us in on her transformation: from a world-renowned scientist who — underneath the prestige — feels socially awkward, overweight, and in a slump, to a scientist who uses her own research to boost her mind, body, and everyday life.

The book shines in large part because Suzuki combines her personal story with scientific studies and observations, giving us a fascinating case study backed up by rigorous research.

Suzuki describes herself as a “geeky girl” in her youth, one who decides by the eighth grade that she wants a career as a scientist. As she grows, she finds success in neuroscience. But as her work gets exciting, she realizes that her academic drive has cut into her ability to become a well-rounded adult. She has a dream career, she writes, with tenure, respect from her peers around the world, and more and more freedom in her research. But underneath that, not much else. 

Her love for good food and restaurants has made Suzuki overweight. She is is also largely alone, without a strong social community — and she is plenty stressed. So she motivates herself to go to the gym and work with a trainer. And then, as she learns how to get healthier, she begins to see that strenuous exercise makes her feel much better.

As a scientist, Suzuki wants to know more.

So she starts to research how physical exercise, meditation, and other healthful pursuits can help our brain perform more effectively. There are already studies on how physical exercise can help people feel better, but Suzuki wants additional proof. She runs tests on rats and other animals. Then she takes a bigger risk: She develops a class that will use students as research subjects — in a rather unconventional way. Each class, Suzuki leads her students in a strenuous workout called IntenSati, something she trained in at the gym. The name is a combination of “inten,” from intensity, and “sati,” an Eastern Indian term meaning awareness or mindfulness. IntenSati combines physical exercise from kickboxing, yoga, martial arts, and dance with the shouting of positive affirmations.

The students like the workouts, and report changes in their outlook. Suzuki also conducts pre-tests and post-tests of her students and creates a control group to measure impact and establish scientific credibility. She mixes in meditation and yoga techniques, too, adding another dimension.

Again, the class responds with enthusiasm — and, more important, Suzuki sees that their activities have an impact on their brain function.

Meanwhile, Suzuki works on her own life. She works to develop more personal relationships. She strengthens her bond with her parents. And she eats better without giving up her love for exploring new restaurants. There is, we learn, a happy ending to all of it.

This is an entertaining, helpful, and scientifically grounded read. To be fair, I think Suzuki owes some of her transformation to the natural maturing process. But her research is quite compelling, as is her number one case study: herself.

Healthy Brain, Happy Life: A Personal Program to Activate Your Brain and Do Everything Better
Harper Collins, May 2015
Hardcover, 320 pages
$26.99

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Not so very long ago, hardly anyone seemed to think deeply about whether to have kids. It was just what people did. Now, all that has changed. By 2004, the share of American women who had reached the age of forty without ever having a biological child hit a high of about 20 percent. Some of those women may now wish it were otherwise. But a growing number of people — men as well as women, married couples as well as single people — are making the affirmative choice not to raise children. And in Meghan Daum’s new collection, Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids, they are telling their personal stories.

Perhaps because all of the book’s contributors are successful writers, just about all of the chapters are engaging. (To see quotes from each of the writers, click here.) the kid question is often relegated — dismissively — to the women’s table, so it’s noteworthy that three of the authors are men. Many of the contributors are proud of their decisions not to have kids, yet not one of them demeans parents as “breeders” (though there are some amusing and irreverent perspectives on parenting). And none insist on calling themselves “childfree” rather than “childless.”

One of the most important themes of the book is the range of experiences among people who don’t have kids. Some of the contributors are adamantly opposed, while others always knew they were not interested and never experienced it as an issue. Still others were wildly ambivalent, and a few were bound and determined to be a parent — until they weren’t.

As they tell their stories, the writers take on how others denigrate them. With a book title that impishly refers to them as “selfish, shallow, and self-absorbed,” they describe the insults and intrusive questions lobbed their way. They share the pain of being excluded by once-close friends once those friends have kids, and in one instance (Courtney Hodell’s essay), the sting of losing their place of prominence in the life of a cherished sibling.

They do not, though, make the case that parents get benefits and protections, in the marketplace and in the law, that people without children do not get. In fact, Laura Kipnis and Sigrid Nunez make a different sort of case — that the supposed valuing of mothers in America is mostly sentimentalized mush, a soft offering without the hard backing of policies that would make the lives of parents more dignified and keep their kids out of poverty.

Overall, the contributors have heard all of the standard arguments, constructs, and clichés about their lives, and they are not taking it anymore. They challenge the trope of “having it all;” remind us that “maternal instinct” is a cultural construct, not a biological imperative; and offer some cheeky come-backs to the charge that people who choose not to have children will deserve the blame if the species does not perpetuate itself. They have been taunted with the threat that they will regret their decision not to have kids when they get older. At least one of them, though — Jeanne Safer — is already at that age when she is supposed to be feeling the regret, but her experiences and perspectives offer a much more nuanced and affirming view of what it means to be within reach of your seventies without any kids of your own.

Perhaps surprising is that one of the contributors joins in on the bashing of the childless — and that it is Lionel Shriver, author of We Need to Talk About Kevin, a novel about a son who opens fire on his classmates and how his parents cope with having raised a murderer.

She may have written about a violent son, but Shriver lets us know that she “long ago wearied of being the Antimom.” About the many people without children in her social circle, she adds this: “My friends and I are decent people — or at least we treat each other well. We’re interesting. We’re fun. But writ large, we’re an economic, cultural, and moral disaster.”

Many of the contributors attempt to explain why they decided not to have kids — but one, Tim Kreider, is skeptical of these explanations. Science is skeptical, too. Stacks of studies show that we humans are not always very accurate about the reasons for our behaviors. It is not that we are deliberately trying to mislead other people (well, not all the time), but that we just don’t always know ourselves as well as we think we do.

Still, the contributors’ attempts to make sense of their decisions are worth reading, heeding, and celebrating. Daum’s collection is getting tons of attention — nearly all of it laudatory — and I’m delighted. It also makes me wish that earlier collections on the related topic of living single (Diane Mapes’s Single State of the Union: Single Women Speak Out on Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness and Jane Ganahl’s Single Women of a Certain Age: Romantic Escapades, Shifting Shapes, and Serene Independence) had garnered as much fanfare. It’s been a while. Perhaps someone needs to try again, and, as Shriver does, include men this time.

Here, though, on the subject of children, we have made some progress. When one of the book’s contributors, Jeanne Safer, first wrote about her choice not to have kids 25 years ago, she was so ashamed that she hid behind a pseudonym. Now she and many others write heartfelt essays and proudly sign their names to them. In 21^st century America, the decision about whether to have children is a genuine choice. And that’s a true triumph.

Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids
Picador, March 2015
Hardcover, 288 pages
$26

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If you’re thinking of going to therapy for the first time, you probably have a lot of questions. In How to Succeed in Therapy, Jared Scherz more than answers them.

Scherz explores the often confusing world of feeling better. Full of useful information that you want to know — and then even more that you didn’t know you’d be curious about — his book is a backdoor entrance to therapy. What do therapists really think when they talk with you? Should you reveal your deepest, darkest secrets? Scherz successfully covers these types of questions, as well as many other aspects of selecting a practitioner and engaging in therapy in a way that will truly help.

As Scherz explains, sometimes therapy helps us alter the way we respond to distress so that we feel more intact, “and sometimes it’s about becoming more accepting of what is outside of our control — coming to terms with what is and what has been.” The book carefully parses the core components of therapy and explains how it differs from counseling and coaching. Therapy, Scherz writes, requires a method for “gaining insight, awareness, or understanding about what is hidden or unknown to us.” We can use it to feel replenished, to help find closure, to identify barriers, and to search for greater meaning.

Scherz provides self-help tips, such as encouraging us to tell our therapist when we are dissatisfied, but he also gives us interesting facts and statistics. We learn the percentage of people who struggle with anxiety, as well as what to expect during the first session.

And that first session certainly matters. When Scherz guides us in selecting a therapist, he includes a list of questions we should ask the practitioner in the first session — and then more questions to ask ourselves afterward. Here, as in the rest of the book, his message is empowering, as he encourages the reader to “test drive your assertiveness early” and see how the new therapist responds. He covers the major theoretical orientations that a therapist might use in their practice, and gives us sample interactions to help us know what to expect in daily sessions.

To prepare for therapy, Scherz also recommends keeping a journal, creating a support system, and replenishing spent energy. And he wants us to be active, not passive, in our approach to wellness. “We have given [healthcare workers] the responsibility for making us feel well instead of having them educate us and teach us to be self-reliant,” he writes, but we should change that and become what he calls “an involved wellness consumer.” We need to know about ourselves and what can help us holistically, and Scherz covers things like yoga, massage, reiki, and nutrition — even the controversial world of GMO foods.

Therapy does not, Scherz writes, change who you are or turn you into a different person. But it does help with “the self-discovery process of finding lost or hidden aspects of yourself and then integrating them into your personhood.” That can be quite an overwhelming process, but Scherz gives us a comprehensive guide so we can dive in.

How to Succeed in Therapy: Navigating the Pitfalls on the Path to Wellness
Rowman & Littlefield, January 2015
Hardcover, 246 pages
$32

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I try not to be a relationship cynic, but I see divorce in George Clooney’s future. It’s not the tabloids that I’m relying on to make this prediction. It is the science of micro-expressions - the very brief (i.e., micro) facial expressions that flash across a person’s face for mere fractions of a second.¹ These unconscious expressions can be quite telling, and a careful examination of George’s nonverbal behavior during a recent interview leads me to believe that he and Amal may not be as happy as they claim. 

Much of the research on micro-expressions has been conducted by Dr. Paul Ekman, a psychologist who has spent his career studying emotions and facial expressions. He has shown that when people try to conceal how they really feel, their faces often leak true emotions. For instance, imagine being disappointed by a loved one’s thoughtful gesture (e.g., an elaborate home-made dinner of your least favorite food) or being jealous of something wonderful that happened to a close friend (e.g., getting engaged, think Bridesmaids). As you know, it would be inappropriate, not to mention rude, to express your displeasure. Rather, you may try to mask your true feelings with something more socially acceptable (e.g., a smile). In those brief and fleeting moments, a trained eye could detect the subtle and unconscious facial movements, like knitting of the eyebrows or narrowing of the lips, that express your actual discontent.

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It is no secret that much of the communication between potential or new partners occurs behind the computer screen or through text messaging. By definition, online dating begins on the Internet, however, growing trends suggest that new relationships continue to take place over technology and have become less about connecting and interacting in person. As texting becomes a more socially acceptable way to make plans and stay in touch with romantic interests and friends, picking up the phone or meeting in person can unfortunately become more infrequent.

Texting has become a primary method of connection and communication in many potential or budding relationships, but does an overreliance on text messages make your relationship soar or suffer?

Here are two major problems associated with too much texting during the dating process:

1. Texting too much before you meet your date in person can make it more difficult to connect in person.

A major problem associated with too much texting between you and a romantic interest you have not met is that by the time you actually hear each other’s voices or meet in person, you have inaccurate perceptions and assessments of each other. Therefore, you are more likely to be disappointed at the initial meeting. Often the disappointment is centered on feeling let down when the person you meet is compared against your original assessment behind the technology.

Many of my clients have returned from their dates telling me that the person they met seemed entirely different than the person they emailed or texted with extensively. They generally described their date as more shy or awkward than they had envisioned. While their text message exchanges may have been natural, funny or flirty, there was a different energy to the date. This has left many feeling confused or really uncertain about moving forward.

Think about it … when someone sends you a text, you assign meaning, voice tone, and much more to the words on your screen. Without knowing how the person sounds or how the person hopes to deliver his or her message because you do not truly know each other, you are bound to operate on assumptions. This leads to a potentially flawed interpretation of the message and who the person is. As you get to know and spend time with them in person (think friends, family and co-workers), you naturally do a better job interpreting their texts and emails. This is why it is essential to invest in your dating life by giving potential partners a chance to connect with you in person. It is also important to remember that text exchanges tend to be more flirty than in person (less chance of rejection via text!).

2. Texting keeps you safe, but does not get you far in the relationship world.

The appeal of texting extends far beyond convenience and can easily become a safe and strategic way to connect. A text message acts as a buffer from the discomfort associated with asking someone out and the possibility of being rejected. It keeps you in the safety zone and fosters avoidance of difficult conversations face-to-face or over the phone. It may feel easier to be witty, send thoughtful responses or express romantic desire over text, but texting will only take you so far.

Frequent texting prevents you from building the confidence and courage needed for emotional and social risks and gaining necessary coping skills to handle anxiety and nerves associated with asking someone out or telling someone you like them. The more you hide behind texting to flirt, give compliments or get a date, the harder it becomes to conquer your fears and be intimate in person.

Of course it feels more comfortable being rejected through a text message or behind a computer screen, but if all dating inquiries occur through these means, you are not truly putting yourself in a position to achieve true love and intimacy. Unfortunately, you will block your relationship from progressing if texting is the main way you communicate, especially if you cannot comfortably engage with someone you like in person.

While texting has its advantages, such as being quick, easy and painless (or just less painful), it is not romantic and does not build true intimacy and effective communication over time. Healthy and stable relationships occur when both partners are willing to be vulnerable and present with each other face-to-face.

Texting in moderation works well, if you include more time in person to assess the quality of your connection and deepen your relationship. If you meet online, I highly recommend having a phone conversation to set up any dates and hear your date’s voice prior to meeting.

Bottom line: If you want your relationship to go the distance, I urge you to place the phone on silent mode, and enjoy the many perks of spending time with someone you care for.

About the Author:

Rachel Dack is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC), Nationally Certified Counselor and relationship coach, specializing in psychotherapy for individuals and couples via her private practice in Bethesda, Maryland. Rachel’s areas of expertise include relationships, self-esteem, dating, mindfulness, anxiety, depression and stress management. Rachel is a co-author to Sexy Secrets to a Juicy Love Life, an International Bestseller, written to support single women in decreasing frustration about single-hood, leaving the past behind, cultivating self-love and forming and maintaining loving relationships. Rachel also serves as a Relationship Expert for http://ift.tt/1vj3HQb and other dating and relationship advice websites. Follow her on Twitter for more daily wisdom!

 

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You’ve committed to finding the one and have been out with a bunch of new prospects. Only problem is, you’ve had one bad date after another and now you’re questioning if sitting at home is actually more fun than going out with the most recent date you’ve planned for Saturday night.

When you’re dragged down by hours of looking at dating profiles, messages that don’t go anywhere and one mediocre date after the other, it’s really easy to get inside of your head and fill it with negativity.

Will I ever find the one? Am I just choosing the wrong ones? Isn’t love supposed to be easy? Is something wrong with me?

Sound familiar? As someone who’s been there, I know how it feels to go through those days (sometimes weeks) where you just want to throw in the towel. Don’t be discouraged; while dating is hard, a love worth having takes effort and a positive state of mind.

Here are some tips to help you get back on track.

Find the Lesson in Every Situation

There are no bad dates, there are only dating lessons. You may have not found the love of your life (yet), but you did meet a new friend, potential career opportunity or a person you can call up to share a hobby with. Those are all wonderful reasons to keep dating.

Continuing to date will also teach you more about yourself and what you’re looking for. Perhaps a non-negotiable arises for you or you realize that you need a partner who has more time to spend with you. The more dates you go on, the more in touch you will be with your needs in a partner.

Lean on Your Support System

When you are limited on time, it’s hard to both date and have time for your friends. But spending time with people we already like is a great way to refocus and reenergize our efforts. Call your friends or family and schedule a date with them. Go see a movie or have brunch so you can laugh and be at ease with the people you love.

When you hang with your support system, be sure not to go down the rabbit hole of venting that turns into complaining. Complaining about your relationship status, the men/women you meet, or the horrible dates you’ve been on will only bring more of that into your life. That’s the law of attraction. Instead, really focus on being optimistic.

Reconnect to Your Purpose

There’s a reason you keep going on all of these dates, right? You want a happy and successful relationship. It’s when things get tough that you need to recommit to that purpose.

Get out a piece of paper and start jotting down your purpose. “I want a great partner,” is not enough. Get detailed with your purpose and the life that you see for yourself in a relationship. How would that transform your life from where it is now and why is it important to you? Reconnect to that purpose and recommit to the journey that gets you there.

Add Variety to Your Dating Life

Are the mundane coffee dates and dinners not working for you? Make your next first date an activity that you know you’ll enjoy regardless of whether you and your date instantly connect. Take a painting class, go on a hike, or window shop through your favorite neighborhood. Whatever the activity, just be sure it still allows you and your date time to talk and get to know each other.

How do you keep it positive during your dating journey?

About the Author:

Ravid Yosef is a Dating & Relationship coach living in Los Angeles. Adamant about sharing the lessons she learned about love and life after cancer, she established LoveLifeTBD.com, a personal blog in April of 2014 and has written over 100 advice articles. Her advice columns and personal essays have been featured on YourTango, Care, Women.com, Fox Magazine, Elite Daily, Thought Catalog, Psych Central, and many other online publications.

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As we’ve previously written, people tend to pair up romantically with partners who are about as attractive as they are. So the most attractive people pair up with each other, followed by the next most attractive people pairing up, etc., all the way down the attractiveness scale. Scientists call this assortative mating.¹ How do we know this assortative mating occurs? There is a correlation between two partners’ levels of attractiveness. This means that as one partner’s attractiveness increases, the other partner tends to be more attractive as well. People want the best partner they can get, and the more attractive a person you are, the better mate you can snag.

Although we do have some scientific evidence for assortative mating, this phenomenon really only makes sense when it is very clear who the most attractive people are. And this is not always the case.

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“Turn on, turn off, turn on, turn off. Good, done, walk away from the faucet now.”

Classic OCD symptoms.

It’s 5 a.m. The house is quiet and it’s still dark outside. I’m half asleep but I have to do it. I have no choice. The voices in my head are real and I believe them. I hear my dog wake up; he’s hungry. I tell myself that he’ll be fine and I will feed him when I am done. Can’t you see I am on a mission here?

I walk up the stairs, still wiping the sleep from my eyes, water bottle in one hand and headphones in the other. I walk into the room and spot the treadmill. The terrible, horrible, dreaded treadmill. Start. I convince myself that I love this. Finally, I establish a groove and I am on my way to five miles today. It’s already set it in my planner, so I have to do it.

I’m about 45 minutes in and boom. The treadmill resets. Blank. Where’s my data? What mile was I on? How can I be sure I was 45 minutes in? I remember seeing the number 45, but of course I can’t be sure of that.

Exhausted and anxious, I step back onto the treadmill and yes, I start the whole run over again. I am crying through the run, angry for my lack of trust in myself, and yet determined to do the run and see that beautiful number 5 next to the distance tracker.

Done. Now walk away. There it is, July 3rd. With my planner open on today’s date, I confidently put a line through today’s workout. The voices in my head say, “Victory!” I can breathe now.

Control. This is what rules me — my need to be perfect, mainly in my relationship with food and exercise. If I maintain a level of control around what I eat each day and how and when I move my body, I feel worthy and confident. Take away my rights to make decisions around these two subjects and I am a mess. Whenever I hear people say, “it’s out of your control”, I don’t believe them. I believe I can maintain control wherever I please.

There is a very dark side to exerting this level of control over your life. For me, I lose my drive, passions, relationships, and most of all, freedom. I lost my ability to go out to eat, to attend parties, to have sex, to love, to be creative, and to love myself.

When your life is planned around your mealtimes or when you work out, you have a problem. If you obsessively check, double-check, and triple-check the nutritional label on the yogurt you have had many times in the past, you have a problem. If you refuse to go out to eat because you are afraid the steak is not grass-fed, you have a problem. If you feel forced to work out each day and wish you didn’t have to do it, you have a problem. If someone asks you to try a bite of his or her meal and you don’t out of fear that it would ‘add more’ to your meal, you have a problem. Get my drift?

This was my life. I am far from recovered but I am on the journey. When you hear people say, “you have to hit bottom,” I truly believe it. After terrible depression, eight suicide attempts, and self-medicating with alcohol, I still wasn’t ready to hand over my headphones.

Years later, I took a look around one day and saw that I was losing everything. I had to leave my job because I was too depressed. I stopped seeing friends because it interfered with my meal times. I couldn’t have sex because I was no longer producing estrogen. Yet I had a family, friends, and a loving boyfriend who all wanted to help me.

I had a panic attack one day when I was “supposed” to work out and was too tired. Crying in my living room, I said to myself, “I am getting help; I cannot live like this any longer.” So, I embraced recovery. I’m only a few months in but already I can see beautiful change.

If you relate to this article or know someone who may be struggling with control, eating, or exercise addiction, look into help. Please don’t continue living in this hell that you convince yourself you like. Recovery is attainable and awesome.

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Miniature golf is a popular family outing. Find out who built the first miniature golf course at HowStuffWorks.

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He's obviously not "fine." So your man is going through a rough patch, but for some odd reason he doesn't want to crack open a bottle of chardy and vent? Listen in as Bill Phillips, editor-in-chief of Men's Health and author of The Better Man Project, cracks the male code once and for all.WH: We can usually tell if our guy is wrestling with something, but nine times out of 10, he won't discuss it. How the eff do we help?BP: Men like to feel strong, and part of that is figuring out our own problems. There's a powerful current of "shit I have yet to solve" in the back of most men's heads. So just say, "If you need to talk, I'm here." Then drop it. Don't offer solutions or hound him to chat about it; he'll just feel pressured and clam up. Ninety-nine percent of the time, whatever he's pissed about he'll get over on his own. For the other 1 percent, let him come to you in his own time.RELATED: How to Help Your Man Be the Best He Can BeAnd in the meantime, just deal with him being kind of a jerk?No, call him out! Tell him you love him but he's being an ass and you'll be back when he can act normally. When men are stressed out about something, it's easy to lose the big picture. This'll remind him—fast.Okay. Let's talk about a few specific scenarios. First: My husband is upset that he gained weight, but he's not doing anything about it either. How do I motivate him without seeming to insult him?If you can be honest with him, do it. My wife will straight-up tell me if I've gained a bit of weight because she knows it's important for me to be healthy. She's not mean about it, so I don't feel attacked. If your guy can't take that level of truth, make it about you. A Johns Hopkins study found that 70 percent of men stepped up their fitness game when their wives did. So if you say, "I've gained a few pounds and need to go for a bike ride," he'll probably consider his own fat ass and tag along.RELATED: This Could be the Key to Bringing That New-Love Buzz Back to Your RelationshipWhat if he's having confidence issues because he is earning less than I do or, say, loses his job?Over the past 10 years, a lot of guys I know have chosen to stay home with their kids. It was an easy decision: The wife had a more promising career trajectory or made more money. More power to her!That said, losing a job can definitely dent a guy's confidence. Help him deal with that as you would any loss: Challenge him to keep perspective, to not get down on himself, and to see the situation as an opportunity to reinvent himself. Remind him that you don't get many chances in life to take stock of who you are and to assess what impact you want to make.Tell the truth: Does sex really solve everything?Absolutely—for about half an hour.RELATED: 13 Times Sex Actually Is the Answer to Your ProblemFor more tips to keep your man happy and healthy, pick up The Better Man Project: 2,476 Tips and Techniques That Will Flatten Your Belly, Sharpen Your Mind, and Keep You Healthy and Happy for Life!, by Bill Phillips, available in stores and online. Published by Rodale Inc., publisher of Women's Health.

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#DogsBeforeDudes A recent Harris poll of 2,205 Americans found that 62 percent currently have pets. And we sure do love our furry friends; according to the survey, a growing number of people buy birthday gifts for their cats and dogs, cook for them, and let them sleep in their beds. In fact, if you ask us, having a pet is a whole lot better than having a man in your life. Here are just a few reasons why.1. He'll Cuddle with You Any Time—Not Just After SexSometimes after a long day, you just need some good ol' fashioned loving—minus the whole getting naked thing. RELATED: 9 Beauty Lessons I Learned from My Cat2. He Won't Hog the CoversYou know how you hate waking up in the middle of the night to find your guy wrapped in the blankets while you're left with nothing? Yeah, that's not a problem.3. You Never Have to Argue Over the RemoteFinally, a partner that actually likes watching Real Housewives of New York with you .4. He'll Never Judge Your Time-consuming Beauty RitualsHonestly, Fido could care less about how long you spend primping with face masks, curling irons, and self-tanner. 5. You Don't Ever Have to Worry About Being Cheated onFor real, though—animals are loyal 'til the end. RELATED: How Getting a Pet Changes Your Relationship6. He's an Awesome ListenerYou can vent as much as you want about your evil coworker or your flaky friend without being interrupted with an opinion you didn't ask for.7. He Never Complains About What You Made for DinnerYour furball is perfectly content with whatever he's served—whether it's home-cooked or takeout . 8. Your Fights Last All of Two SecondsCould you stay mad at a face like this... A photo posted by keyla sofia on Jul 23, 2015 at 10:42am PDT or this... A photo posted by Megan on Jun 17, 2015 at 7:19pm PDT or this...? A photo posted by My Name Is Levi on Jul 19, 2015 at 11:48pm PDTRELATED: Science Says There Really Is a Difference Between Dog People and Cat People9. You Can Train HimEnough said. Woof. Gifs courtesy of giphy.com

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Leaving your ringer on at work is OK sometimes. Learn more about whether it's rude to leave your cell phone ringer on at the office at HowStuffWorks.

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Knitting may seem like a harmless activity, but it's not always appropriate. Find out whether it is rude to knit in public at HowStuffWorks.

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Correcting typos is often unnecessary. Learn whether it's rude to point out someone else's typos at HowStuffWorks.

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Manners are subjective — what you think is rude may not be to others. Learn whether it is rude to point out someone else's rudeness at HowStuffWorks.

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Twitter hashtags can turn into Twitter wars. Learn whether it is rude to mention someone on a volatile Twitter hashtag at HowStuffWorks.

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Yup, I've heard all of these insensitive comments since I was diagnosed two years ago. I was diagnosed with herpes two years ago, and I can't tell you how many offensive things people have said to me about it since then. I understand that many of these comments don't come from a place of ill will; most people just have no effing clue what to say when someone tells them that they have herpes. While there's no script for the perfect thing to say to someone who shares this very personal piece of information with you , there are certain remarks I would advise against—all of which are based on things that have been said to me time and time again.Here's what someone with herpes can't help but think the moment they hear this: Thank you so much for referring to my body as “gross.” That’s very kind and exactly what I need to hear in this vulnerable moment.  Yes, the word “herpes” can elicit a yuck reaction somewhere deep in our gut. A combination of bad sex education and a powerful social stigma has convinced us that herpes is a revolting, extremely contagious disease. But in reality, herpes is manageable skin condition and a slight annoyance at most for the many millions of people who live with it. Try to quiet those hurtful snap judgments, and listen to the living, breathing human with emotions who is speaking to you.RELATED: Why I Love Telling People I Have HerpesI had sex with Mick Jagger, obviously. What kind of a question is that? I get asked this constantly: by curious journalist, by worried dates, even by strangers on Twitter. Asking someone how they contracted an STD implies that they did something wrong and there must be some dramatic, embarrassing story behind their diagnosis. It also forces them to fit into one of two stereotypes: that they’re either an irresponsible monster who needs your forgiveness or that they were lied to, cheated on, or otherwise made the victim of someone else’s bad behavior. Don’t put them on the spot and ask them to share deeply personal information that they might struggle with.A friend who I hadn’t seen for a few months blurted this out when I mentioned getting diagnosed over a catch-up coffee. She apologized when she saw how uncomfortable the question made me, but she didn’t understand how invasive her morbid curiosity was. I wanted to confide in a friend, not have assumptions made about my body.Unless you're about to sleep with someone or you are a physician about to stick your hand between their legs, there is literally no reason why you need to know if they are currently having an outbreak.This is a backwards compliment wrapped in oodles of disappointment and judgment. The insane stigma around STDs convinces us that only slutty, dishonest, and desperate people contract such viruses. The reality is far different: STDs are a possibility any time you have sex, whether it’s your first time or your 100th. And many folks get oral herpes from family members who kissed them while they had a cold sore on their lip. Saying that someone doesn’t seem like the type of person who has an STD says far more about you than it does about them. RELATED: I Tested Positive for Herpes—Now What?The host of a party I attended asked me this when I mentioned that I was beginning to write publicly about having herpes. I’m pretty sure she was drunk…or at least I hope she was. Despite what comedians might say, herpes is not like glitter. It doesn't collect on every flat surface touched, and it dies very quickly outside of the body. You cannot get herpes from sharing towels—or copies of Fifty Shades of Grey.I used to hear this a lot from kind-hearted nurses at the health clinic while I was getting treatment for my first outbreak. They recognized my pain and wanted to reassure me that having herpes wouldn’t ruin my love life. But what 21-year-old college student wants to hear about that one special someone who won’t judge her for having an STD?There will be many people for whom an STD isn’t a deal-breaker, and being open to dating a woman with an STD doesn’t make them Prince Charming—it makes them a decent person. Getting diagnosed with herpes doesn’t mean you have to settle for the first person who accepts you. It also doesn’t meant you are stuck having monogamous, serious relationships for the rest of your life.If you can’t figure out why that’s an ignorant thing to say, you’re on your own. I’m talking to you, ex-boyfriend who I asked to get tested after I was diagnosed.--Ella Dawson is a twenty-something feminist who cares too much about The Bachelor. She writes about gender, pop culture, bros, and what it's like to live with herpes.

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