Lisa Find Love

The need to belong is a basic human drive; we as humans have a pervasive desire to form and maintain lasting, positive relationships.¹ Relationships are important for our well-being, as their initiation is often associated with happiness, elation, love, and joy. Marital relationships serve as important buffers against stress;² and marital quality is associated with better health.³ The benefits of being in a relationship, such as those just mentioned may explain why people are often very resistant to breaking social bonds and experience strong negative emotions when they feel as if their relationships may be compromised.

Cheating (or being cheated on) is one of the most detrimental behaviors for the survival of a relationship. Infidelity shakes the ground upon which the relationship was built, as it creates a violation of trust and breaks the commitment each partner made to one another. Not only does the act of cheating create tension and potentially destroy the relationship, but the perception that a partner may be cheating is also problematic. If there is suspicion of infidelity, that suspicion often creates a rift between couple members. Therefore, it is important to know how people view cheating and what behaviors people believe violate the terms of a committed relationship. 

One of the hardest things we have to deal with when deciding to date online is writing our profile. Most of us have a hard time describing ourselves in person, let alone in the written form. Am I bragging too much? Am I not bragging enough? Am I interesting enough? How much am I supposed to reveal?

Those are the common questions my clients ask themselves, and so in turn I ask them to describe themselves to me. “I like music, fitness, going to the movies, and eating out,” one of them replied. That is the pretty standard and common answer I’ve received, and even witnessed on people’s profiles in the past.

While online communication can be a bit different (enter emojies, acronyms, and words like fleek),  it’s not that far off from holding one in the real world. Your online dating profile happens to be the beginning of that conversation.

Just like in the real world, a very general topic will elicit a very general conversation. If you want to attract better quality conversations online, you must begin the conversation with some detail.

Details are what people hold on to. Details are where we find our common ground.

Have you ever asked someone how their day was and gotten a general response, like “it’s good.” There’s no room for that conversation to grow, but when someone replies with some actual detail about their life, the conversation flourishes.

This concept holds true for your online profile and for how you communicate with potential dates online. And it doesn’t end there; details are what will get you that second date as well, but it all starts with your profile.

Go back into your profile and see what you’ve kept general. It’s likely around hobbies and how you describe yourself. Start picking apart the details of that hobby. Let’s take fitness as an example.

What type of work out do you do? Lets say you like to run. How long have you been doing that? Have you run a marathon? Is there a run that you did that you’re particularly proud of?

Let’s explore the difference this makes. The first draft of your profile was “I like to stay active.” When you enter the details, an example could be this: “I love to run. It really helps me clear my head, almost like a form of meditation. Seeing the sunset as I finish my run is always the best part of my day.”

The first draft example can only elicit one question from a potential suitor. “How do you stay active?” while the second example elicits emotions and an infinite amount of topics that can be discussed. Running, sunsets, different trails, meditation, and scenic viewpoints are just some of the topics that can be discussed when the second example is read.

Let’s break down another general topic. Music. This is a topic that is so personal, yet people treat it like it can be generalized. What kind of music do you like? What’s the last concert you went to? What song is playing on repeat in your car?

If you were going on a road trip with your partner, would the music played during the drive matter to you? If it would, you can’t generalize this. You want to find common ground in music with your potential partner, so be specific with the details.

Keep asking yourself questions about the topic. What’s important to you? What specifically do you do within that general topic? Do you want to find someone who can share them with you? If you do, it’s in the details.

When you kill the general answers in your life, you’ll begin to build meaningful relationships with people on and offline.

About the Author:

Ravid Yosef is a Dating & Relationship coach living in Los Angeles. Adamant about sharing the lessons she learned about love and life after cancer, she established LoveLifeTBD.com, a personal blog in April of 2014 and has written over 100 advice articles. Her advice columns and personal essays have been featured on YourTango, Care, Women.com, Fox Magazine, Elite Daily, Thought Catalog, Psych Central, and many other online publications.

The post How to Make Your Online Dating Profile More Attractive appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

In the summer of 2013, General Mills did something apparently unthinkable: they depicted an interracial (i.e., mixed-race) couple and their biracial daughter in a Cheerios ad. Despite being almost 50 years removed from the landmark civil rights Supreme Court ruling in Loving v Virginia, which legalized interracial marriage, the backlash observed in response to the Cheerios ad reminded all who were paying attention just how stigmatized and polarizing the topic of interracial relationships remains. In fact, when I typed the following into a google search window:

Why are int

The first search to populate the search was “Why are interracial relationships bad?” (Note: Results may vary by region, but I had never previously conducted this search).

Interestingly, although most people are aware that support from society, particularly family and friends, for one’s relationship is a key component (i.e., generally necessary, but not necessarily sufficient) of a healthy, satisfying romance, the prevalence of interracial relationships and marriages has increased dramatically over the past 40 years.

Lunch at the Marriott hotel in Mesa, Arizona, was a southwestern buffet of overcooked chicken and soggy enchiladas. I’d recently met a friendly man with a shaved head and a pale oblong face named Paul Tabachneck, so we sat down together at a table to eat. Tabachneck ate carefully, eyes trained on his plate or a spot on the beige walls. But his conversation was lively—he talked about busking as a guitarist in the New York subway while trying to achieve a dream of being a professional musician. After about ten minutes, I scraped my knife against my plate while cutting my chicken. Tabachneck whipped his head around to look at me, his eyes suddenly cold.

“Did you have to do that?” he snapped. “And did you know that your jaw pops when you eat?”

We’re all annoyed by annoying sounds: fingernails on chalkboards, car alarms, Fran Drescher’s nasal tones. But for some people, particular sounds send them into an unbearable frenzy. There’s the Atlanta journalist who wanted to reach across the table to strangle his loudly chewing father; the Arizona computer scientist who hated the sound of knives so much that his girlfriend developed a phobia too; the Oregon housewife who moved her family members out of her home so she wouldn’t have to listen to them. Psychologists call them misophones—people with an acute reaction to specific, usually low-volume sounds. But because the condition is poorly understood, they struggle to convince others that their problem isn’t a form of neuroticism. In this hotel, where one of the first scientific conferences on misophonia was being held, the afflicted finally met others of their kind and shared their tales of aural agony. You just had to be very, very careful with your cutlery.

When Tabachneck was 14, he and his father were watching a movie at home in Pittsburgh. His dad started pushing his ice cream into a puddle, clinking his spoon against the bowl.

Up to that point, Tabachneck’s relationship with sound was normal. He loved music and enjoyed hearing people laugh; he found sirens somewhat grating. But this clinking was different—it provoked a combination of anxiety and nearly physical agitation. It was the beginning of a lifetime of noise-related misery.

Tabachneck went to college to study computer science but dropped out because the clicking in the computer labs made him so tense. He took a job in customer service and found he had a knack for it. But some colleagues made him crazy. One man spat chewing tobacco, another talked with his mouth full, and a third brought in an old keyboard because he liked the sound of the keys.

Tabachneck’s personal relationships also suffered. He loved one girlfriend enough to consider marrying her but had to eat in a separate room to avoid hearing her chew. A later romance ended because the woman smacked her gum. He’s now dating someone who occasionally cracks her joints. “Most people can’t be in a relationship with a misophone,” he says, “because they don’t want to feel guilty for eating cereal in a porcelain bowl.”

After hearing problems were ruled out—Tabachneck’s only abnormality was perfect pitch—his issues were thought to be psychological. Over the years, doctors gave him different diagnoses and medications. Nothing made sense until an audiologist told Tabachneck in 2010 that he seemed as if he had a textbook case of an emerging disorder called misophonia.

In 1997, Oregon audiologist Marsha Johnson met a girl who couldn’t bear the noise her father made when he chewed his nails. Other cases trickled in, and she talked to fellow audiologists who had also observed the condition. Johnson has become an advocate for the disorder, creating an online forum and helping to organize the Arizona conference.

She and other experts view misophonia as an “old brain” problem, probably located in the part of the cortex that processes emotion. “When people hear these sounds, they react with intense emotion,” she says. “It isn’t a higher cognitive function where you’re going, ‘I don’t like white chocolate lattes.’ This is like a yellow-jacket sting—you slap, jump, run, and scream.”

It’s impossible to know how many sufferers there are. Of the 4,000 misophones who post on the forum, half a dozen were at the Marriott. Among them, Tabachneck was a sort of star. His song “Misophone” had circulated, and Scott, an engineer, approached him at a break. They talked triggers.

“Burping has always bothered me,” Tabachneck told him. “And my girlfriend does this thing where she cracks her neck, and you snap back like that.” He imitated the maneuver.

“There’s a woman here who does that,” said Scott. “There’s also where you hear something that sounds like somebody cracking knuckles, and all of a sudden, you’re hypervigilant.”

“You’re looking to find who cracked their knuckles,” said Tabachneck, nodding. “Always looking. It never ends.”

Misophonia is not included in the DSM-5, the so-called bible of psychiatric diagnoses—it’s too recently observed, for one thing. But whether misophonia is a mental disorder or not doesn’t really matter for people like Tabachneck, who experience life-altering discomfort daily. At the conference, he performed “Misophone.” A crowd gathered to talk to him afterward. As I took notes behind him, I absentmindedly sucked on a peppermint, the sound barely registering above the chitchat. Tabachneck wheeled around, his face shifting from warmth to disgust: “What are you doing? Didn’t we talk about this?” he yelled at me.

Johnson says misophones will try anything for relief: “You could say, ‘I’ll hit you on the head with a guitar, and it will cure you,’ and you’d have a hundred people lined up to pay you $5,000 to hit them on the head.” She’s testing a new approach—it uses sound- generating equipment to weaken an individual’s connection between certain sounds and the autonomous nervous system—paired with cognitive therapy.

Desperate misophones often try to drown out irritating sounds with an ocean of ambient noise. Johnson mentioned sufferers who work as Zumba instructors or in bowling alleys; others use iPods, fans, fountains, YouTube channels, and headsets that play white noise, lower-frequency pink noise, and the lowest-frequency brown noise.

Following the conference, Tabachneck conducted his own experiment: He went to see a film in a theater. At a previous outing, one couple was eating popcorn so loudly, it seemed like a deliberate provocation.

This time, taking advice from one of his new misophonic buddies, Tabachneck requested a headset for the hearing impaired and found a seat in the back of the theater. With the headset’s padding, the popcorn-chomping sounds were dampened, disappearing as the film filled his ears. He relaxed. “Toward the end,” he says, “I actually removed the headphones to hear the audience’s reaction to the last few scenes. And it was totally worth it.”

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Among the most poignant letters I receive as an advice columnist are those from lonely people. Here are some typical samples. The letters are real but I’ve changed names to protect privacy.

From May, a 14-year-old girl in middle school: “I used to have tons of friends in elementary school but now I only have three friends I’m close to. What’s wrong with me?”

From a new mom, let’s call her Angela: “I’m the first one in my group to have a baby. I can’t go out partying anymore. Actually, I don’t want to. But I’m losing my friends. My husband is terrific but he’s gone all day. The baby isn’t much of a conversationalist yet. What do you suggest?”

From a high school guy, Ron: “I know a lot of people but I don’t think I have a real friend. I mean, I help people out when I can and I’m on several teams but I don’t think there is anyone who would help me. Why can’t I connect?”

From Harvey, an 80-year-old man: “Most of my good friends have died. I never thought I’d be the last one standing. My kids are all too busy to want to come over very much. If it weren’t for the guy I play chess with, the only people I’d talk to all week would be the paperboy and the guy who gives me coffee when I go to the drive-through window. How does a person my age find new friends?”

Why are these people longing for connection when they are plenty busy? Because it’s a fact: People are social creatures. We need other people in our lives to feel most ourselves, to be happy and even to be healthy.

It’s no wonder that advice columnists like those of us on PsychCentral get so many letters asking what to do to find friends, keep friends and make better friends. People want more than just to get along. They want to feel connected — at least to a few people they can feel close to and with whom to share the events of their lives and their confidences.

Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary anthropologist in England, has made a study of how many people the average person knows. He and other researchers have found that on average people are connected in a variety of ways to a total of about 148 others. He rounds it to 150 for simplicity’s sake. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about hunter-gatherer societies, businesses or Facebook, people seem to be able to connect with no more than about 150. Even those who claim to have 1,400 followers on Twitter or Facebook actually only consistently interact with about 150. (Dunbar theorizes it has something to do with our brain’s capacity, but that has yet to be tested.)

Dunbar isn’t suggesting we all need 150 friends. That’s the total number of all the different kinds of people with different levels of connection that we generally recognize as being somehow involved in our lives. Within that number are levels of connection that are important in different ways.

Imagine Dunbar’s theory as a target. You are in the bullseye. In the next circle out are the people who are most dear to you. On average, people have three to five close, personal relationships. That’s all. Those of you who worry that you only have a few close friends can relax. You are well within normal. Of course, an average is the midpoint of any group. So some people have more than three, some have fewer.

As you move out from the center, each concentric circle has more people but with less meaningful connection. After the close friend group, the next ring generally has about 15 people who matter — usually relatives, mentors, and friends who don’t quite make the inner circle but still mean a lot. We see them less often than those in the center group but the relationships are warm and reciprocal in some way. They are the kind of people who seem to be in ongoing conversations with us that are interrupted by long periods of silence. When we get together again, it’s as if we never left off.

The next ring has about 50 people, typically friends of friends we’ve gotten to know a bit and people we see regularly but don’t count as our own friends. Perhaps you’ve met them multiple times at a mutual friend’s parties. Maybe you’ve served on a committee with them but never followed up to get to know them better. Or perhaps they are the people we see regularly at our kids’ soccer games.

Finally, there’s an outer ring of other people we recognize by sight as part of our community but we don’t relate to much, if at all. They are the people we recognize when we see them in a crowded mall or say hi to when we bump into them at a concert. If you are at all active in your school or community, you may have more acquaintances than you think you do — probably a number that will bring your total of all the rings to about 150.

All of the rings in the circle are important. Feeling that we are at least recognized by a substantial number of people in our community or school (whether the paperboy, the barista at the coffee shop, the cafeteria lady or the school crossing guard, for example) is part of what makes us feel at home. Having a few folks in that innermost circle of intimacy is what makes us feel valued and loved. I’m betting that, if pressed, Ron, Harvey and Angela can identify a number of people in most of the outer circles. Their problem is the lack of enough people in that first circle.

Feeling lonely when the population in the inner circle dips below two or three is normal and appropriate. That feeling of loneliness is a signal from our inner wise self that we need to do something to reconnect to feel good. We don’t need a ton of friends but we do need a few. We don’t need to sit at the metaphorical popular table but we do need to have connections within our community or school.

Fortunately, other people need friends too. The trick is finding each other. That inner group of people isn’t going to come knocking on the door. The key to getting connected is getting active.

Sometimes all it takes is making the time to bring people from one of the outer circles inward. An invitation to have coffee, to attend a community event or to go for a walk is all that’s required to set things in motion.

Sometimes connecting requires us to actively, purposefully set out to meet new people by doing new things. Sometimes it takes the willingness to risk rejection by trying to get to know a particular person better.

Let’s go back to our letter-writers. Harvey, for example, could expand his circle through his passion for chess. He might ask his chess partner to be sure to introduce him to some other chess players he knows. Or maybe he could volunteer to start or help with a local chess club.

Angela needs other new moms to talk to. If she asks around, she might find that there is already a social group for young mothers in her town. If not, she could start one. She’ll quickly find that she’s not alone. Most new mothers are hungry for the support that comes with connecting to others whose kids are in the same life stage. What starts as a support group of strangers often evolves into a group of lifelong friends.

Ron has plenty of people in outer circles. He needs to take some steps to bring some people in closer. He already has much in common with other guys so he could reach out to those he likes best. He could ask teammates to go for a soda after a game, or to watch an important game on TV. He could ask someone whose skills he admires to stay after practice to give him some pointers. It would be a start.

As for May, she needs to relax. Kids change as they mature so it’s not at all unusual for some elementary school friends to drop away. Now in middle school, she already has three important friends. If she wants more, she could encourage her group to get involved with activities at school. That would add people to Dunbar’s outer circles – the very people who might naturally become part of her inner group.

By gathering up a bit of courage and daring to take action, acquaintances can become friends and new people can be added to our friendship circle. As poet William Butler Yeats said, “There are no strangers here; only friends you haven’t yet met.”

For more detailed advice about how to make new connections, see Dr. Marie’s book, Unlocking the Secrets of Self-Esteem.

Chess player photo available from Shutterstock

A sprain occurs when one or more of the ligaments has been stretched, twisted, or torn. It is the most common ankle injury. In a minor sprain, some of the fibers within the ligament are stretched. In more serious sprains, the ligament may be torn. Minor sprains can be treated at home. Serious sprains need medical attention and may even require surgery. The pain can be excruciating. If in doubt, take the injured person to the hospital for an X-ray.

What to Look For

• With a severe injury, the patient may not be able to bear weight on the leg.
• Pain in and around the joint. The patient may feel faint with the pain.
• Swelling, and later bruising, around the joint

First Aid for a Sprained Ankle

1. Rest the leg. The patient should stop the activity that caused the injury. Help her to sit down and rest the ankle. Support it in a raised position.

2. Cool with ice. Cool the ankle to reduce pain and swelling. Ideally wrap a bag of ice or frozen peas in a cloth and place it on the ankle. Do not put ice straight onto the skin, as it will cause a cold burn. Leave the ice in place for about 20 minutes.

3. Apply pressure. Leave the compress in place if it is small or wrap a layer of soft padding, such as a roll of cotton wool, around the ankle. Apply pressure with a compression support or compression bandage to help limit swelling. This should extend from the toes to the knee.

4. Elevate the ankle. Raise and support the ankle so that it is higher than the hip to prevent swelling. Advise the patient to rest the ankle. If you suspect serious injury, take the patient to the hospital.

5. Check circulation. Make sure that the bandage is not too tight. Press on a toenail until it turns white, then let go. The color should return quickly. If it does not return, the bandage is too tight; remove it and reapply. Recheck every 10 minutes.

6. Reapply the cold compress over the bandage every two to three hours. Remove the bandage at night and do not sleep with an ice pack on the injury.

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Click here to learn more about the Stop & Drop Diet.

1. You eat when you’re not hungry

A lot of us are slaves to the clock. When I was growing up, my mother had dinner on the table promptly at six o’clock. Even if I wasn’t especially hungry then, you can be sure I ate—and I cleaned my plate, because that’s what we did in our house. Who knows how many extra calories I ate that way? I’m not saying that your meals should be unplanned. In fact, it’s best to make sure you eat regularly to keep from getting so ravenous that you lose control and can’t stop eating. But if you’re in the habit of eating when the clock says to, instead of when you’re actually hungry—which researchers at the University of Minnesota found is one of the main reasons people eat when they do—you tend to lose touch with what “hungry” feels like and eat more than you really need.

Keep your schedule flexible if possible and listen to your tummy. On weekends, for example, I find that two main meals is all I need or want. I’ll linger over coffee (or go for a run), then find it’s 11, sometimes 12 o’clock before I’m hungry enough to want to eat. Or I’ll have a healthy breakfast, then get caught up in my day and have what I call an “afternoon dinner” at 3 or 4.

2. You eat when you’re distracted

Do you see crumbs or smudges on your computer keyboard, the touch screen of your phone, or your TV’s remote control? That’s a telltale sign that you’re doing other things while you’re eating. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for multitasking, and I definitely have days when I eat in front of the computer. Here’s the problem. Ask me how it tasted and I might not be able to tell you, because I was preoccupied by my work.

Researchers in Ireland interviewed a group of 66 adults on what made portion control difficult. One of the main factors, they reported, were elements of the eating environment—socializing with friends and family, watching television, or working on a computer or phone—that diverted their attention away from what they were eating.

Focus on what you’re eating, and I bet you’ll enjoy your food much more—and you’ll also enjoy knowing that you haven’t stuffed yourself with empty extra calories.

3. You dine out for every meal

Occasional indulgences are not the problem. What is: We are eating out more and more often—over a 40-year period from 1970 to 2010, we nearly doubled the percentage of calories we get from food away from home. And we are all too often unaware of how many calories are in the dishes we eat. A study of fast-food eaters in Philadelphia and Baltimore found that they underestimated their meal by up to 400 calories!

Restaurant meals tend to be higher in calories, saturated fat, and sodium than homemade meals, and lower in calcium, fiber, and other weight-friendly nutrients. I’m not saying you should never eat out—far from it—but one of the kindest things we could do for our waists and our overall health would be to eat out less often. If you’re in the habit of always grabbing a bagel on the way in to work, stock up instead on Nature’s Own Plain Thin- Sliced Bagels. If you like a deli hoagie for lunch, bring your own turkey sub. You get the idea. And when you do eat out, look for entrées that are grilled or baked, not fried or smothered in sauce, and for side dishes that pile on the veggies (again, you’re looking for steamed, sautéed, or otherwise simply prepared vegetables).

4. You’re a slave to “healthy brands”

If you’re trying to drop pounds and be healthy, your best bet is to choose foods from the restaurants and brands that emphasize fresh, whole ingredients and prepackaged portions, like Chipotle, Jamba Juice, KIND, Lean Cuisine, and Weight Watchers. Right? That’s what I thought before I started working on the Stop & Drop Diet. But picking healthy foods is not as simple as finding a “healthy” brand and sticking to it.

In a February 2015 New York Times article, a group of reporters gathered 3000 meal orders from Chipotle—which proudly proclaims on its website, “We’re all about simple, fresh food without artificial flavors or fillers”—and calculated the calories, saturated fat, and sodium in them. The typical order, a burrito, weighed in at more than 1000 calories! This isn’t to say that you can’t find a healthy meal at Chipotle. The same article highlights several Chipotle meals that clock in at around 545 calories, including crispy steak tacos, a veggie bowl, and a carnitas burrito, and it’s possible to get even lower by changing the fillings and toppings you choose.

KIND, another brand that touts itself as “healthy and tasty,” was recently taken to task by the FDA, which found that several of its products did not meet the requirements to use the claims “good source of fiber,” “no trans fats,” “low sodium”, “+ antioxidants,” and “+ protein,” among others. In its defense, KIND noted on its blog, “Nuts, key ingredients in many of our snacks and one of the things that make fans love our bars, contain nutritious fats that exceed the amount allowed under the FDA’s standard.” Having delved into the research on healthy fats for my first book, Flat Belly Diet!, I agree with KIND on this one. That said, many KIND bars are higher in calories or fat than, for instance, a Quaker or Nature Valley or Kashi bar. And some Quaker, Nature Valley, and Kashi bars may be higher in calories and/or sugars and/or sodium than some KIND bars.

Bottom line: Every restaurant and every brand has some dishes and products that are healthier than others. In order to get the full story about any given food, you need to look beyond the brand and beyond the health claims spouted in advertisements and printed on the front of the box.

5. You starve yourself

 While it’s true that in order to lose weight, you need to eat less, that does not mean you need to starve yourself! In fact, starving yourself often has the opposite effect. To your body, your extra fat is a necessary hedge against the day that there’s no food to be had. We humans evolved during a time when there were no grocery stores or restaurants or even farms. How did our ancestors survive when there was a drought that killed off the leaves and berries they foraged? Or when they failed in the hunt? They lived off the fat they had built up during more plentiful times. Which is why, when you suddenly slash the amount of food you’re eating, your body reacts by hanging on to every bit of fat it can.

The same thing happens when you skip meals. Skip breakfast and you’re likely to overdo it at lunch since you’re so hungry. Skip lunch and you may be too ravenous by dinner to make smart food choices. A study of eight years of data from the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey (NHANES) showed that people who skip breakfast tend to be heavier and have a larger waist than those who eat a healthy breakfast.

6. You have a list of “forbidden” foods

The Atkins Diet. The South Beach Diet. The Paleo Diet. The Dukan Diet. So many popular diets today recommend cutting out or drastically cutting down on carbohydrates that there must be something to the low-carb thing, right? Well, it’s true that, on average, Americans eat more carbs than we really need, especially refined carbohydrates like those in white bread, pasta, cakes, and cookies. Among our top sources of calories, in fact, are cakes and cookies, breads, pizza, pasta, and sugary drinks. So if you cut back on these foods, you will automatically slash your calorie consumption and lose weight. And, because excess consumption of refined carbs has been associated with diabetes, heart disease, and a host of other chronic diseases, you’ll be healthier if you eat fewer of them.

But of course, when you suddenly stop eating an entire food group, you are automatically cutting calories and your body reacts accordingly.

Plus, your body misses the nutrients it’s not getting. For example, dairy products are a top source of calcium, vitamin D, and potassium. Eliminate them and you’ll have to work hard to make up those nutrients. There’s a psychological aspect to it, too. Tell me I can’t have something or restrict the amount I can eat, and suddenly it’s the only thing I want. Next thing you know, you’re craving those forbidden foods like nobody’s business, and you feel like you’d mow down your own mother to get to a piece of bread.

The same is true for low-fat diets, low-salt diets, and pretty much any other diet that forbids specific foods. Which is not to say that these types of diets can’t be healthy. But most people find that they’re hard to sustain over time because they often require a lot of cooking or buying specialty food items. And a diet certainly won’t work if you don’t follow it.

7. You rely on dieting alone

 While you can lose weight even if the only movement you make all day is walking from your bed to your desk chair, it’s much easier and faster to drop pounds if you combine diet and exercise. If you are burning an extra 200 to 300 calories per day, that’s 200 to 300 calories less you have to carve out from your diet to get the same calorie deficit. Plus, exercise generates natural endorphins, so you feel better and have more energy even if you are a little hungry. All of which makes it easier to stick with the diet.

And once you’ve lost the weight, exercise has also proven to be key to keeping it off. According to the National Weight Control Registry, established in 1994 to identify and investigate the characteristics of people who have successfully lost weight and kept it off for more than a year, 94 percent increased their physical activity in order to lose weight, with the most frequently reported form of exercise being walking. To keep it off, 90 percent report that they exercise an average of an hour a day.

8. You feel bad about your weight

 If you get depressed every time you step on a scale, or only see your fat butt when you look in the mirror, or refuse to have a photo taken because you’re ashamed of what you look like, then you need to stop. No matter what you weigh, if you don’t love your body, you will never truly win the weight loss battle. If you feel guilty about your eating habits and ashamed of your body, you will always feel deprived. While you may lose weight initially on the diet, you will soon slide back to your old food choices and gain it all back again.

If you love and respect your body, it will not feel like a chore to research restaurant entrees before you go out to eat or to read nutrition labels in the grocery store or to cook for yourself and your family. Instead, it will be a privilege to take care of yourself by making smart, healthy food choices.

Focus on how much better you feel physically and mentally. One study showed that people who reported feeling alive and energetic were more motivated and more successful at maintaining their weight loss.

Reader’s Digest’s Editor in Chief Liz Vaccariello calls her latest book, Stop & Drop Diet, her easiest plan ever. The book and online course teach you how to stop eating unhealthy versions of the foods you love so you can drop up to five pounds in the first five days—and keep losing. You’ll get a mix-and-match 21-day meal plan designed for weight loss and balanced nutrition, plus hundreds of easy weight loss tips and tricks via videos, quizzes, slideshows, and other interactive tools. Learn more and buy the book and course here.

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The most wonderful and long-lasting relationships are the sum of many wise decisions made over months, years, and decades. Sometimes the decision is relatively simple: “Should I accept this person’s invitation to go on a first date?” Other times the decision is far more significant: “Should I accept this marriage proposal?”

Along the way, partners will have to decide when they will meet the parents, how physical to become, and whether to stay together or break up after a major conflict. The wise choices you make—from mundane to momentous—will contribute to the greatness of your romantic relationship. Here’s how:

1. Get perfectly clear. The bigger the decision, the more confusing it tends to be. Know precisely what the issues are and the possible ramifications.

2. Collect all the pertinent data. Gather as much information as you can to make the best possible choice. Don’t move forward until you’re confident you have all the facts.

3. Determine the best possible outcome. Since most choices have potential risks and rewards, define what results would be optimal for you and your relationship.

4. Give yourself the freedom to delay—but not to dither. Taking time to ponder and process is helpful; prolonged procrastination isn’t. As renowned psychologist William James said, “When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that is in itself a choice.”

5. Sift through your emotions. In matters of love, feelings are not always reliable, but neither should they be dismissed. Listen judiciously to what your heart is telling you.

6. Weigh your values and convictions. Your core beliefs are the essence of who you are and why you do things—act only in harmony with your deeply held values.

7. Accept outside input. Lots of people love to give advice, and that’s why you should be very selective about who you listen to. Take input from only those you trust implicitly.

8. But resist deferring your decision to others. Input is helpful, but each choice is yours to make. Step up and stand on your own best judgment.

9. Learn from your past experiences. Ask yourself how similar situations you’ve encountered in the past turned out. How do previous experiences inform the present decision?

10. Evaluate how this decision will affect your personal goals. Each choice of any significance will move you toward or away from your ultimate ambitions. Which direction will this one take you?

11. Don’t be pressured to choose prematurely. Proceed according to your own timetable, not the sense of urgency others might impose upon you.

12. Check your motives. Realizing that we all have blind spots, try to honestly discern your drives and intentions for every choice.

13. Remember Occam’s Razor. This principle states, “When you have two competing theories that make exactly the same predictions, the simpler one is the better.” Phrased another way, “The simplest answer is usually correct.” Sometimes we make choices more complicated than they need to be—lean toward a simple solution.

14. Look into the future. Envision yourself and your relationship after your decision has been made. Any concerns about the way it turned out?

15. Do the right thing, whether it’s easy or hard. When you’ve sifted and sorted, checked the facts and your feelings, rely on your best judgment to make the correct choice. Hopefully, it will be the obvious, natural, and painless conclusion. Even if it’s a tough call, have confidence that you’ve done the right thing for yourself and your future happiness.

The post 15 Ways to Make Wise Dating Decisions appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

I have been drawn to Toni Bernhard’s work because of the history of chronic illness in my family and because of the Eastern tradition she brings. This time, in her third book, How to Live Well with Chronic Pain and Illness, “mindful guide” has replaced “Buddhist-inspired” in the subtitle, but much of the techniques and flow recall her previous publications. Still, although this newest book does go over some territory she has covered before, it is also in many ways more personal than the first two books in the trilogy, so makes a good addition for those who have been following her work. How to Live Well can also stand on its own.

Filled with experiences from Bernhard’s own life and the lives of those who have contacted her since her first book, this latest text offers a broad range of solid practical advice.
Bernhard has talked about her frustration with the medical system before, and how those with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) are too often not taken seriously. She wishes for a better label, one that is a more fitting description of the illness. There is a proposal to change the name to systemic exertion intolerance disease — and CFS is sometimes now referred to as myalgic encephalomyelitis. But those names don’t solve everything, because labels don’t capture suffering well.

Plus, as Bernhard writes, many of us are quick to judge. Those with chronic illness too often have to put up with well meaning comments that totally miss the mark. People say things like, “I get fatigued, too. Wish I could stay home all day!” Even comments like, “You look great, how could you be sick,” can sting hard.

Meanwhile, when it comes to doctors, other issues arise. Physicians are trained to heal, but chronic disease is often about maintenance — no big change for the better. A victory is holding your own. Some doctors can’t handle the fact that there is no quick fix for their patients.

Bernhard and those who have shared their stories with her call for empathy. It is extremely difficult for folks to feel helpless, both those who are ill and those who want to help. You do not know what to say or do. The stories here give a guide to what to say and do or not say and not do, and how we can help — but Bernhard acknowledges that it can be a balancing act that takes practice and adaptation to change. Even she has times when she doesn’t remember “how to be sick.” Two feelings that come through again and again in her work, then, are compassion and respect for yourself and others.

And there is wisdom in this book for everyone, even apart from those dealing with illness at the moment. For instance, it is easy to get wrapped up in regret and guilt about the past or worry about the future. Bernhard provides an exercise inspired by Thich Nhat Hanh that she calls “drop it.” If you find yourself presently stuck in regret about the past or worry about the future, you tell yourself, “Drop it.” But you don’t stop there. If you did, those worries and regrets would try harder to come back.

Once you drop it, she writes, you can immediately begin to ground yourself in the present by paying attention to what you are currently seeing, hearing, feeling, and to whatever else is in your awareness. It is a simple exercise that is quite powerful, but it does take practice. I have already recommended it to clients I work with, and I use it myself.

Other areas Bernhard covers include longing for the good old days, loneliness, issues faced by young people with chronic illness, complaining, embarrassment, dealing with the change in your identity, and setting limits. She gives extensive resources and guidance for caregivers as well.

She also mentions a couple of Buddhist practices by name. Tonglen is the breathing in of suffering and breathing out of compassion. If the former is difficult, you can focus on breathing out compassion. Mudita is taking joy in the happiness and success of others — as opposed to feeling envy and resentment. Both are powerful meditation and mindfulness practices that anyone can use to bring more serenity into their lives and increase their feeling of connectedness in this world.

Bernard has a friendly writing style. The chapters are short and focused, and she speaks to you almost as if you are sitting across the table from her. She talks about living skillfully, and her writing is skillful. I appreciate her work very much and her courage to share her struggle with the rest of us.

How to Live Well with Chronic Pain and Illness: A Mindful Guide
Wisdom Publications, October 2015
Paperback, 352 pages
$16.95

Your birthday dictates your zodiac sign, but new research suggests that it may also affect various aspects of health later in life. Keep in mind: The impact of birth season is far from definitive; heredity and environment play a far bigger role.

Fall Birthdays

1. Better physical fitness: A study in the International Journal of Sports Medicine found that school-age boys born in November scored an average of ten percentile points higher on tests of cardiorespiratory fitness, handgrip strength, and lower-body power compared with those born in April. Fall babies’ mothers are pregnant in the summer, when vitamin D levels surge. Vitamin D affects fetal physical development.

2. Food allergies: People with autumn birthdays were 30 to 90 percent more likely to develop food allergies than those born in other seasons, according to Johns Hopkins University research. Fall babies are exposed to less skin-protecting vitamin D early in life, which could make them more likely to develop a sensitivity to food allergens through the skin.

Winter Birthdays

3. Left-handedness: Men born during this season are more likely to be lefties than those born during other times of the year, according to new Austrian and German research. High levels of testosterone in utero can make left-handedness more likely—and longer periods of daylight during the summer can trigger a testosterone surge at a crucial time during fetal development when handedness might be influenced.

4. Premature birth: Babies conceived in May (and typically born in February) are 10 percent more likely to arrive prematurely than those conceived during other seasons, a 2013 study found. Expectant mothers’ exposure to flu in the last trimester may be why. Pregnant women should get vaccinated for flu.

Spring Birthdays

5. Melanoma: Spring-born people have a 21 percent greater chance of developing melanoma than those born in the fall, reported a 2014 study in the International Journal of Epidemiology. Exposure to UV light during the first few months of life may affect the body’s susceptibility to developing melanoma as an adult. That said, lifelong habits— using sunscreen year-round, not tanning, wearing hats and sunglasses—go a long way toward protecting you against all forms of skin cancer.

6. Earlier menopause: In an Italian study of nearly 3,000 postmenopausal women, those born in spring were more likely to reach menopause just before age 49; those born in the fall were likelier to enter menopause about 15 months later. Fall women might be born with a greater number of eggs.

Summer Birthdays

7. Nearsightedness: Summer babies are more prone to need glasses for distance, found a study in the journal Ophthalmology. This may be because of the amount of light babies are exposed to right before and after they’re born. Research in animals has shown this can affect normal eye development.

8. Mood swings: People born during summer months are more likely to have “cyclothermic temperament,” or rapid fluctuation between sad and happy moods. Light and temperature exposure may affect brain chemicals that regulate mental health.

The post 8 Seemingly Impossible Things Your Birth Month Could Predict About Your Future Health appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Vivian Gornick’s The Odd Woman and the City is a brief, beautifully rendered memoir by one of the premier writers of our time. Odd Woman is about solitude and friendship, and the sustenance, meaningfulness, and connection Gornick has found while walking among strangers in the streets of New York. Day after day she walked, up to six miles at a time, “to clear my head, experience street life, dispel afternoon depression.” For three decades, she kept notes, then threaded them into this, her twelfth book.

There are no chapters in Odd Woman. The book is an unfurling of brief vignettes, conversations, observations, insights, and ruminations on literature and art, places and spaces, feminism and friendship. Readers can pick it up when they have just a few spare moments, or savor the whole thing in one luxurious sitting. The structure of the book mimics the experience Gornick describes: traversing the streets of the lively, cacophonous city, stopping now and then to engage or just observe, or walking dreamily for long stretches, more attuned to the fantasies within than to the life out on the sidewalk.

As a social scientist with a scholarly interest in friendship, I like to learn from rigorous research studies. Some of the best ideas for research, though, come not (just) from theory but also from the personal stories and glistening observations that enliven memoirs such as Gornick’s

The most important friendship in Odd Woman is with Leonard, a gay man with whom Gornick has rendezvoused once a week for decades, to walk and talk. How she describes her relationship with him offers potential insights about all of our closest friendships. For example:

• “It’s the way we feel about ourselves when we are talking that draws us so strongly to each other.”
• “The self-image each of us projects to the other is the one we carry around in our heads: the one that makes us feel coherent.”
• “We walk on together, side by side; silent; mirror-image witnesses, each of us, to the other’s formative experience.”

With Emma, a woman different from Gornick in many ways, yet with whom she sustains an intense friendship, Gornick experiences another blessing bestowed by friendship. “The more we explored the immediate in service to the theoretical — a chance encounter on the bus, a book just begun or just finished, a dinner party gone bad — the larger the world seemed to grow.”

You won’t find Gornick effusing about the safe place friendship provides for the disclosure of our most shameful secrets. She prefers the model of friendship that prevailed long ago. “For centuries,” she writes, “this was the key concept behind any essential definition of friendship: that one’s friend is a virtuous being who speaks to the virtue in oneself.”

Gornick believes that friendship is vital to romantic relationships: without it, even the most passionate sexual connections will never be enough. She believes, too, that meaningful conversation is essential to friendship — and, really, to life. But she is not sentimental about friendship or anything else. She notes that her friendship with Leonard is powered by their shared sense of grievance, and a little of that goes a long way. In addition to describing a long lost friendship that resumes with new intensity, and a fraught friendship that heals itself over time, she also relates the unexpected shattering of that cherished friendship with Emma.

Gornick has been married twice, for just for two and a half years each time. Her memoir has the sensibility of the single person that she has been for nearly all of her life. I had expected it might. In one of her essay collections, The End of the Novel of Love, Gornick decries the smallness of novels that lean too heavily on a character’s belief in the transformative power of romantic love. In Odd Woman, she places herself among the feminists of her time (odd women who, as she puts it in a recent interview, “can’t make our peace with the world as it is“) who raged against the prevailing mandates to marry and have children. She tells the stories of neglected women of letters who stayed single for life. When she describes her mother’s experience of marrying her father — “a cloud of obscurity lifted from her soul” — Gornick is critiquing that mindset, not praising it.

At its core, Odd Woman is about the city that nourishes the author, in all of its gritty and sublime manifestations. Gornick prefers the “crowded, filthy, volatile West Side” to the “calmer, cleaner, more spacious” East Side. Wherever she roams, though, she returns to her one personal truth: “>I was never less alone than alone in the crowded street.”

The Odd Woman and the City: A Memoir
Farrar, Straus and Giroux, May 2015
Hardcover, 192 pages
$23

It is rare to read manuscript that cuts through expectation and forces the calibrated critical eye to step aside. But that is precisely what Neil Hayes’s A View From a Lake did for me. Rarely have I been so moved — and, dare I say, inspired — by a book.

Hayes, who holds a doctorate in psychology from Oxford and who has meditated for many years and studied with Buddhist monks, offers up a buffet. He brings in philosophy, psychology, physics, theology, history, and even computer science. There are no quick fixes or marketed programs within this book that promise to lead the reader to equanimity and peace of mind.

What Hayes does offer is a robust look at Buddhist psychology and how it differs dramatically from the Western notion of the mind. He provides the historical framework of how our Western notions originated, how they have persisted through the years, and, most importantly, how they have led to pain, suffering, and general unhappiness. But his is a book that does not judge; it merely paints a picture and invites the reader to see for herself.

There are far too many important points to cover in such a short review, so I will focus, primarily, on Hayes’s suggestions for proper handling of low mood. The main research that he draws upon here is how rumination fans the fires of depression and anxiety, and how the simple act of smiling, whether genuine or not, can lead to a noticeable elevation of mood.

The rumination factor, sometimes referred to as brooding, is, Hayes writes, an example of how the thinking mind runs rampant and leads the experiencer toward the depths of despair. No one is served from obsessively focusing on the past, nor is anyone served by living for the future. The only moment we have is the present one, Hayes writes. Although there will be times of pain, sorrow, or other distressing emotion, the key to managing those feelings is to set aside attachment, resist the urge to ruminate and problem-solve, and simply view these feelings for what they are — sensations within the body.

Part of the flaw in Western thinking is the belief that our mental styles happen to us, Hayes writes, when, in reality, they are created by us. “When a feeling of, say, sadness enters your body,” he explains, “your mind will seize upon it and add a thought such as ‘I failed to achieve such-and-such,’ or ‘I am worthless.’ Before you know it, your thinking mind will have summoned up despair, or worse, and you cannot break the escalating cycle.”

The belief of happening to is so deeply engrained in our culture that our language tacitly supports it. For example, we say that we are “under stress” rather than that we are “doing stress.”

Instead, Hayes writes, we can choose to look at feelings as just feelings. And becoming aware that they are just that, and distancing ourselves from our emotions, “may even be sufficient to prevent you falling into the emotional state at all.” Not only are thoughts, and therefore emotional responses to those thoughts, within our control, he writes, but it is our responsibility to manage them. And it is only by managing them, through mindfulness, that we can liberate ourselves from the ego mind, harmful attachment to selfhood, and suffering.

The thinking mind, says Hayes, presents us with the conundrum of “constantly measuring the gap between how things are and how it desires them to be.” We compare and compare, and we are usually not happy with what we find. As Hayes puts it, “people suffer according to the extent to which they live their lives experiencing this gap.”

The solution is to cultivate mindfulness, or, if you like, the practice of being aware of how our emotions and thoughts directly influence our moods and therefore our response to the world.

Much has been written on the practice of mindfulness, and Hayes also offers guidance on the subject. His guidance, however, is not layered in jargon surrounding a proper technique; instead, his is a straightforward method of breath focus, awareness, and the art of simply letting go. The intent of A View From a Lake is not to instruct the reader on the fine points of meditation and Buddhist psychology, but to translate the inherent value of those practices into terms that are both understandable and perhaps palatable to our otherwise reductionist Cartesian-based approach. Hayes’s book is a practical glimpse, though a thorough one, into the history, science, philosophy, and psychology of mindfulness — and, indeed, a must-read for anyone interested in liberating the mind from suffering.

This is, by far, the most profound and important book that I’ve had the pleasure to review in many months. To call it self-help is absurd, especially since the point of the book is to release selfhood and find peace in the equanimity of no-self. That is a complicated concept, I know, but it is a concept that, after reading A View From a Lake, any serious reader will appreciate and, hopefully, put into practice.

A View From a Lake: Buddha, Mind and Future
Troubador Publishing, April 2015
Paperback, 408 pages
$16.99

What a wonderful world it would be if everyone made a collective commitment to be completely truthful and trustworthy with each other. We can all hope that day will one day arrive. But in the meantime, we must resign ourselves to the fact that there are people who choose to be deceitful and devious.

So what should you do if you discover that someone—a coworker, a roommate, or especially a loved one—has been dishonest with you? Start here:

1. Resist the urge to let it slide. Ignoring devious behavior will only perpetuate unhealthy patterns. Staying silent will not honor yourself and won’t do anything to help the disingenuous person.

2. Weigh the impact. Ask yourself how the dishonest behavior has affected you. Every deceitful “transaction” costs you something. What was it?

3. Ponder your wisest approach. Before you move into action (or fly off the handle), take a deep breath and consider your options. A knee-jerk response may inflame an already heated situation.

4. Address the behavior. It’s best to stay focused on the actions—what was done and how it affected you. Finger-pointing and accusing, even if deserved, will put the person on the defensive and stifle any constructive conversation.

5. Ask direct questions. If you suspect someone has lied or manipulated, remember that you are entitled to the truth. Don’t drop the matter until you are satisfied with the answers.

6. Reject “minimalism.” Some people try to minimize dishonest behavior by trying to pass it off as a little white lie, a fib, or insisting it’s no big deal. Deceitful actions ARE a big deal and shouldn’t be shrugged off.

7. Determine if the person is willing to come clean. When confronted, lots of people try to cover it up with another lie, and then another. Damaged trust can be restored only when the person takes responsibility for his/her actions.

8. Get a second opinion. Those who traffic in untruths are masters of misdirection and misperception, leaving you thoroughly confused. Ask a trusted friend or counselor for a reality check so you can separate lies from truth.

9. Honor your instincts. Give yourself permission to respond in the way you feel is best. If you have doubts and misgivings about someone’s trustworthiness, listen closely to what your heart and head are telling you.

10. Refuse to be the scapegoat. Dishonest people will sometimes try to turn the tables and make you out to be the one with the problem, saying that you’re overreacting and reading into things. Don’t play along with that kind of manipulation.

11. Make your boundaries clear and hold to them. The best way to avoid future problems is to be direct and straightforward about your expectations.

12. Understand that dishonesty is usually not a one-time thing. Often, a person who will deceive you once will deceive you again.

13. Don’t become enmeshed. This means becoming overinvolved or overly responsible for the other person. You might be tempted to try to “fix” the situation. But you can only control your own actions.

14. Tell yourself the truth. Sometimes the best way to deal with a dishonest person is to make sure YOU are completely honest. Even if the other person does not know or care about your dedication to truthfulness, you will know and be proud of your integrity.

15. If all else fails, distance yourself from the deceiver. When you realize the other person is not willing to shoot straight with you and won’t take responsibility, there’s little chance trust can be regained. So walk away. If this means ending a dating relationship, so be it–there are too many good, honest people in the world to get yourself tangled up with someone who is dishonest with you.

The post 15 Ways to Deal With Dishonest People appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

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I once read that the national cost of addiction and all of its related effects is second only to the money we spend on national defense. With this in mind, Christian Thurstone and Christine Tatum’s new book, Clearing the Haze: Helping Families Face Teen Addiction, is both timely and relevant.

The book zooms in on the many dynamics that can either contribute to a teen’s substance abuse problem or help them recover from it. And as a psychotherapist who has spent years working in the field of addiction, I found it to be a refreshing read. Packed with interviews from those who have recovered from teen addiction as well as from treatment providers who specialize in it, the book addresses both the larger, more troubling questions about addiction — such as how to know if your child is using — as well as the often vague and equivocal subject of just what to say to your teen about drugs.

Beginning with a look at why teen substance abuse is such a big deal, Thurstone and Tatum draw on biological science to help us understand how the premature reward circuit in a teen’s brain, coupled with the delayed development of the prefrontal cortex, sets up an adolescent to respond favorably to the impulse gratification drugs offer.

The authors point to recent data, writing that “the lifetime odds of alcohol dependence decrease by 14 percent for each year the onset of alcohol use is delayed.” Likewise, when people start to have a dependence in their younger years, it’s serious.

Thurstone and Tatum then further explore the effects of a variety of drugs on adolescents. Among these effects, they suggest, are academic problems, such as the fact that youth who use marijuana by the age of fifteen are four times less likely to complete high school.

Once we understand the enormity of the problem, Thurstone and Tatum then present the tools parents need to go about addressing it. Among them: the appropriate amount of vigilance.

Here, the authors encourage parents to be aware of a teen’s access to substances, the social acceptance that they themselves as parents have of substance use, and the perceived risk of harm they associate with using drugs. Parents should “be inquisitive and not accusatory,” Thurstone and Tatum write. They should also act proactively with their teen to discuss difficult situations ahead of time. And when it comes to the dicey subject of whether or not to drug test your own kids, the authors give us pros and cons, ultimately reminding parents that they “will need to decide what works best for their family.”

Should a drug test come back positive, Thurstone and Tatum address how a parent should handle it. Attacking the common errors parents make in communicating, such as lecturing, storytelling, and placating, the authors present us with the three C’s of effective communication about drug use. That is, you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. With that in mind, Thurstone and Tatum explain the nuts and bolts of “Attachment Communication Training,” which includes first establishing ground rules for communication, understanding the difference between effective and destructive communication, practicing listening skills, and removing the common blocks to communication.

When it comes to treatment, the authors offer sound advice about what to look for in treatment providers, what to expect during treatment, and how to handle family sessions. And they walk parents through the spectrum of mild to much larger problems with drug use, as well as how to differentiate between them. The book draws on the National Institutes of Drug Abuse guidelines to help parents understand the five key questions to ask a treatment provider. For instance, is the duration of treatment sufficient?

Most addicted people, Thurstone and Tatum write, “need at least three months in treatment to really reduce or stop their drug use.” And, they write, longer treatment times are associated with better outcomes. Therefore, one of the more important skills a parent can have is patience.

Still, according to the authors, a parent should also adopt an authoritative stance, though avoid “falling into the traps of being too authoritarian, passive or neglectful.” Parents should be realistic, too. They should, according to the authors, seek to maintain “behavioral control, and not psychological control,” set realistic goals for treatment, be healthy role models, communicate clear expectations about substance use, and maintain appropriate self-care and boundaries.

Substance abuse is a chronic condition, Thurstone and Tatum remind us: one for which parents should have a “recovery protection plan,” and one that requires that parents have appropriate self-care themselves.

Clearing the Haze: Helping Families Face Teen Addiction
Rowman & Littlefield, July 2015
Hardcover, 182 pages
$36

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1. Buy same-color socks in bulk. If the dryer “eats” one, you have an automatic match in your dresser drawer—and you probably won’t need to buy a new pair of socks. And you’ll pay less buying packs of socks instead of individual pairs.

2. Freeze your pantyhose. Yes, we’re serious. Fill a plastic bag with water, drop in your new stockings, zip up the top, and toss the bag in the freezer overnight. Thaw the concoction at room temperature. You’ll strengthen the fibers in the stockings, cut down on runs, and save the cost of additional pairs of hose. You can continue protecting your stockings by freezing them once a month, without water, for one night.

3. Hang on to cool buttons. Keep nice, fancy, or unusual buttons when you recycle or toss worn-out clothing. You can use them to change the look of a garment that’s starting to bore you or enliven a plain shirt that needs a little pizzazz.

4. Buy next year’s attire now. Go shopping toward the end of the selling season. (Buy spring and summer clothes in July or August rather than March, when prices are highest). This will mean some planning and forethought—you’re going to get most of the wear out of the clothes next summer. But the payoff is enormous.

5. Be a savvy consignment shopper. Don’t patronize just any. Find one close to a wealthy neighborhood, where you may be surprised to find stacks of hardly or never-worn clothes, many from top designers—and some items with the tags still on! You’ll get amazing bargains on extraordinary clothes you won’t find anywhere else.

6. Avoid “one size fits all” clothing. Most manufacturers who label their clothing this way are pulling the wool over your eyes. You will usually find this designation on lower-priced clothing, mostly on tops for teenagers. It’s easier—and cheaper—to mass-produce and inventory a garment when it’s all in one size. But the only garments that are truly “one size fits all” are some socks, which are made of fabric that’s stretchy enough to adapt to a broad range of foot sizes. Otherwise, when you see “one size fits all” on a garment, keep shopping.

7. Keep the receipt. If you pay full price for a new blouse, hold on to the receipt in an envelope in your car. Two weeks later, drop into the store with your receipt. If the garment has gone on sale in the meantime, go to the register and ask for credit.

8. Use the store credit card—strategically. If you’re making a big purchase at a department store, go ahead and get the extra discount they offer for accepting a store credit card. But be sure to pay off the balance immediately so you don’t have to pay finance charges; store credit cards often have exorbitant interest rates.

9. Wash jeans inside out: And use cold water on the gentle cycle. If some of the dye escapes from the fabric during the wash, it has a better chance of being reabsorbed into the legs, making the jeans look newer, longer.

10. Fix, don’t toss, costume jewelry: Use nail polish to reset loose stones in costume jewelry easily and inexpensively. Simply use clear nail polish as the glue; it’s a quick fix no one will detect.

11. Let your boots breathe. Don’t store any shoes or boots in the attic or basement during the off-season. The shifts in temperature will prematurely age them. Place them in a closet that allows air to circulate and they’ll last longer.

12. Don’t clean your clothes out of habit. Many people believe you should wash a garment every time you wear it. But that’s a waste of detergent and effort. When you get home from work, change into your T-shirt and jeans, then evaluate your work duds before you throw them into the hamper. If your clothing passes this five-point check, put it on a hanger, air it out for two hours, then return it to your closet.

• Does it need repair? Any rips, missing buttons, falling hems, or broken zippers?
• Does it need a dry cleaner’s care? Tough stains, particularly oily ones, should be taken to the dry cleaner within a day. If you wait weeks, the odds of getting the stain out are dramatically reduced.
• Does it need to be laundered? Does it have any smudges or dirt?
• Does it pass the sniff test? Steel yourself and get a whiff of the armpit.
• Does your body need to be washed? If the answer is yes, then chances are the clothes that were hanging on that body need to be cleaned too.

13. Save a broken zipper. Don’t automatically throw away a garment if the zipper stops working. Try surrounding it with Velcro; you’ll avoid the work of ripping out the zipper and the cost of replacing the item.

Get the new book Reader’s Digest Quintessential Guide to Saving Money for ingenious tricks to stretch your dollars. You’ll get insider advice to cut household bills, spend less on groceries, find unexpected sales and freebies, and more. Learn more and buy the book here.

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Get your BS in BS by learning these marketing euphemisms from the new book Spinglish by Henry Beard and Christopher Cerf:

Acquired taste.

A food writer described this as “something people only ever say about foods that are horrible.”

Ahead of its time.

A book-publishing euphemism for “It bombed.”

Bad citation.

Plagiarism.

Courtesy call.

An unsolicited phone call from a telemarketer.

Fixer-upper.

A real estate term for a property that might more accurately be described as a “tearer-downer.”

Friendly reminder.

Urgent warning.

Learning opportunity.

A mistake.

Maturity tracks.

Wrinkles.

Robust exchange of views.

A shouting match.

Semi-boneless.

Contains bones.

Utensil-maintenance professional.

Dishwasher.

Zero-tasking.

An impressive-sounding business term to use instead of admitting that you’re doing absolutely nothing.

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Blue comes in many shades, just like sadness and depression. There is the muddled color known as queen blue that casts a disorienting fog over life. This hue can slip dangerously into shadow blue, a color that swallows you into the murk. Then, there is Yankees blue, made famous by the baseball team. Sure, the name sounds patriotic, even possibly celebratory. But this is one of the darkest shades of blue, a blue that borders on black. Here is where the precipice lies: Do you fall over and succumb to the black, or hang on to the shred of blue that perhaps supplies some level of hope?

These hues are described in Shades of Blue: Writers on Depression, Suicide, and Feeling Blue, a collection of essays edited by Amy Ferris. Ferris is an author, screenwriter, editor, and playwright who, in her introduction, recounts her own battle with depression. The essays she has gathered are a way of saying “I know how you feel” and “You’re not alone” to readers who suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts. And, they provide insight for those who don’t have a firsthand understanding of this level of despair and loneliness.

The contributors artfully elaborate on hidden details. One writer unfolds the movement of pulling a trigger to reveal the excruciating moments just before, the sobs that tore through the night, the despair that left someone paralyzed in their bed. Another unpacks the treasured moment of holding a child to show the blinding heartache of being unable to hold that child as a baby while trying to recover from a near-death delivery. These stories provide the voice, the cry, and sometimes, the scream that is within many individuals.

Not every essay talks about a desperate person’s suicide attempt, though some stories do look at suicide from the perspective of the person desiring it or the viewpoint of those whose lives are indirectly affected by it. Some of the writers tackle AIDS, cancer, and grief. There are happy endings, and there are not-so-happy endings. Each writer provides an empathetic voice to those who have been in the pit without a ladder, and each paints with words a picture that holds the depth and richness of Van Gogh’s “Starry Night.”

Some of the lines I read spoke directly to thoughts I have had, while others were just such beautifully coined phrases that I wanted to underline and remember. I could not help but think of the ones I have lost to suicide — people who maybe, just maybe, would have found some comfort in the pages of this book (though perhaps that is just a bit of survivor’s guilt talking). The essays are raw, realistic.

“What is wrong with me is not a bump in the road,” one contributor writes, “or a case of the blues, and it is not something that can be addressed by the right herbal tea. It is not a pot hole, it is a fucking canyon — one I can only navigate with help.”

This quote stayed with me as well: “Pain isn’t a constant. There’s an ebb and flow. Looking out a train window there can be a gorgeous view you want to hold onto but darn, you whiz past it. Then there’s an ugly sight out the window you don’t want to see. The train whizzes past that too.”

Books, though, however wonderful and honest, are not always enough. If you are having suicidal thoughts or think you might need help, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Shades of Blue: Writers on Depression, Suicide, and Feeling Blue
Seal Press, September 2015
Paperback, 256 pages
$16

“Do the best you can in every task, no matter how unimportant it may seem at the time. No one learns more about a problem than the person at the bottom.”

–Sandra Day O’Connor

“So often in life, things that you regard as an impediment turn out to be great good fortune.”

–Ruth Bader Ginsburg

“We don’t accomplish anything in this world alone … and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one’s life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something.”

“I do know one thing about me: I don’t measure myself by others’ expectations or let others define my worth.”

–Sonia Sotomayor

 

“I don’t know that there are any short cuts to doing a good job.”

–Sandra Day O’Connor

“You can’t have it all at once. Who—man or woman—has it all, all at once? In my lifespan, I think I have had it all. But in different periods of time, things were rough.”

–Ruth Bader Ginsburg

“My mother told me two things constantly. One was to be a lady, and the other was to be independent.”

–Ruth Bader Ginsburg

“You know, failure hurts. Any kind of failure stings. If you live in the sting, you will—undoubtedly—fail. My way of getting past the sting is to say no, I’m just not going to let this get me down.”

–Sonia Sotomayor

“It was a very cool thing to be a smart girl, as opposed to some other, different kind. And I think that made a great deal of difference to me growing up and in my life afterward.”

–Elena Kagan

“I think it’s important to move people beyond just dreaming into doing. They have to be able to see that you are just like them, and you made it.”

“I have no regrets. I don’t believe in looking back. What I am proudest of? Working really hard … and achieving as much as I could.”

–Elena Kagan

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On Sunday, May 8, 2005, my reality changed. That was when I discovered a handprint on the bathroom mirror in my home.

The day it appeared was the first anniversary of the death of my husband, Max Besler. We had been married for four years when he was found, at the age of 56, to have esophageal cancer. Six months later, he was gone, devastating me and my 14-year-old son, Tanner.

In his final two months, Max spent a lot of time during the day with our friend and housekeeper, Helen. He insisted that I continue working—I was the publisher of the Sacramento Bee—so I went to the office and drove home at lunch for visits.

One day, Helen and Max were in the kitchen. The sun was shining outside—until it suddenly poured. “We both just stopped and looked,” Helen recalled. “I told him, ‘I know you don’t believe in God, but this is something God created for us today. After you’re gone, if you can find a way, let us know that there’s something out there, that it just doesn’t end.’”

Max agreed he’d try. “But it will be up to you two to see it,” he said.

The Hand Appears

A  year after Max’s death, Tanner and I were still working through our grief. On this Sunday afternoon, he and I were sitting at a table in our yard in Sacramento, California. I was comforted to have him there, and I smiled as I noted his habit of moving his lips while he read. I was catching up on reading from work. 
After a while, I got up to go inside and bring us a snack.

Our home was U-shaped, and on the right side of the U were our kitchen, a guest bedroom suite, a laundry room, and the exit to the garage. Max had spent the last month of his life in the guest room because he was more comfortable in a bed by himself, as he was in grave pain.

Before entering the kitchen, I stopped in the bathroom in the guest suite. That was when I saw the handprint. It hadn’t been there when I’d gone in an hour earlier. I froze. Had someone played a trick? That was doubtful—Tanner and I would have seen or heard anyone.

I shouted, “Tanner, come here. Hurry!”

“Mom, what’s wrong? Are you OK?” he asked, running over.

“Look,” I cried. “You didn’t do this, did you?”

As I spoke, I knew that Tanner couldn’t have made it, because he’d been next to me the entire time. Still, I asked him to hold his hand up next to it. It was much larger than his and shaped differently. It was no ordinary handprint. Seemingly made of a soft, white, powdery substance, it showed the entire bone structure, as if it were an X-ray. Like most wives, I could recall precisely what my husband’s hands looked like. The wide palm with the long, narrow fingers was reminiscent of the shape of Max’s hands.

We stared at the print, speechless and awestruck. We knew we were witnessing something astounding.

“Mom, I don’t get it. What is that?” Tanner asked.

“I’m not sure what it is, Tanner.” Then I asked him, “Do you think there’s any relationship to Max, since it’s the first anniversary of his death?”

“Maybe, but how weird is that? And how could he make it happen if he’s gone, Mom?” Tanner asked.

I had no answer, only a sense that I needed to remain calm and inquisitive. “I guess for now we don’t know. Why don’t you go out to the driveway and shoot some baskets?”

I hugged him and said I’d join him in a few minutes. I grabbed my camera and took several photographs. I should have done more, like taken a sample of the powdery substance for analysis or asked a forensics specialist to examine the fingerprints. But I was so stunned that it didn’t occur to me.

Was Max visiting to let me know there was more? I’ve always been open in life, and I wanted to be open now. But I was scared too. Entering the unknown was intimidating.

Time Stands Still

This wasn’t the first unusual occurrence. Max died in our living room at 12:44 p.m. on a Saturday in May 2004, surrounded by family and friends. In the backyard beneath the overhang of the roof just outside the door were two heavy wind chimes that he and I had hung. Both were sizable—one produced a deep musical sound, while the other one reminded me of the gong of a buoy at sea. I thought it was fitting that they both rang the instant that Max died, filling the house with rich, melodious 
tones. As a group, we stopped to 
listen. And as we turned our heads 
to watch the chimes, we noticed something peculiar: There was no wind.

Then, one week later, I took Casey, our yellow Lab, for a walk. It was Saturday around 7 a.m., and Tanner was asleep. I returned an hour later, and as I was unhooking Casey’s leash, I glanced up at the large, round clock over the fireplace in the living room. The clock had stopped at 12:44, the exact time of Max’s death. At first, I didn’t process it. I thought, Time to get Tanner up for breakfast. Then it sank in. How could the clock show the time of Max’s death instead of eight o’clock, the proper time?

I walked to Tanner’s room. “Wake up. Wake up. You’re not going to believe what I just saw,” I told him. He stumbled sleepily down the hallway with me to the living room. I was half hoping that when we got there, the clock would be correct.

“Look, Tanner,” I said, pointing at the clock. His eyes became big, and he muttered two words: “No way.” Tanner knew what that particular time meant as well as I did.

The night before, the clock had been normal, and no one had been in the house. Besides, it was too heavy and awkward to lift it and change the time; neither Tanner nor I could manage it.

“Mom, maybe it needs a new battery. We can’t change it, but we can get some help to pull it down,” Tanner offered. “And it’s probably just a 
coincidence that it stopped at 12:44.”

“Yes, that’s probably it,” I said, uncertain but unwilling to consider the idea that it might be more. I wanted a neat answer. The shock of Max’s diagnosis, his battle with cancer, and his sudden death had taken a toll on me.

The clock stayed at 12:44 until Wednesday, when Helen, our housekeeper, arrived. After I came home that evening, I found a note from her. She said when she was there, the lights had flickered and the clock had restarted. “I think Max may have paid us a visit,” Helen wrote.

Yet Another Message

The handprint unmoored me in ways that the clock hadn’t. Not only was I sure I hadn’t imagined it—Tanner had also seen it—but it was too shocking to ignore.

Shortly after we saw the print, something else strange happened. Max, Tanner, and I had been planning a trip to Italy before Max’s diagnosis. He had been excited because he was knowledgeable about Italy’s artists, poets, and musicians. I told Tanner we’d go in Max’s honor. I thought of it as a way to spend time with my son and consider what was happening.

We toured Rome and Florence, and I tried to relax. But there were painful moments when I craved Max’s presence. Yet as we toured the cities, I began to unwind. Curiosity was 
replacing fear.

Tanner and I went next to the Italian Riviera. One day before sunset, we were strolling in Portofino and the afternoon sun was casting a magical glow. I handed my camera to a passerby, who snapped the two of us.

After we got home, I had the film developed—this was pre-digital cameras. I went through the photographs until I came to the one with Tanner and me at the harbor.

Behind us in the photo was the stern of a boat anchored 30 yards away. Its name was lined up between my shoulder and Tanner’s, where Max would have stood if he were there. I squinted to read the name on the boat and saw three letters: MAX.

The odds of this occurring seemed astronomically low.

A Final Acceptance

From that point on, I decided to learn as much as I could about these incidents by talking with experts and reading. My journey would span eight years and take me across the United States to speak to different scientists, professors, and spiritual practitioners.

One of them was Dean Radin, PhD, chief scientist at the Institute of 
Noetic Sciences, which is devoted to the study of consciousness and phenomena that don’t fit the prevailing scientific models. In 2010, I sat in his office and showed him my photos of the handprints—a powdery print appeared again on that very same bathroom mirror on the anniversary of Max’s death in 2006 and in 2007.

Now it was time for me to ask my question: Had he seen anything like this before? He told me he couldn’t think of anything exactly like my experiences, but he and his colleagues regularly came across similar things in their research—thousands of similar occurrences, in fact. The clock stopping at 12:44? He said he could have written an entire book about clocks stopping for inexplicable reasons 
associated with emotional events.

After I left Radin’s office, I wondered what all of this meant and how it would affect me going forward. And then it hit me. Since Max died, I had lived with a subtle but nagging fear that my exposure to these stunning occurrences meant that I wasn’t normal. Now, for the first time, I had confirmation I wasn’t that unusual.

I remembered something I had read in Radin’s book The Conscious Universe. He cited Andrew Greeley, a Catholic priest and a sociologist, who found that 67 percent of American adults had reported having psychic experiences. Greeley also said that many widows who reported contact by their dead husbands had not previously believed in life after death.

According to Greeley, “People who’ve tasted the paranormal, whether they accept it intellectually or not, are anything but religious nuts or psychiatric cases. They are, for the most part, ordinary Americans, somewhat above the norm in 
education and intelligence and somewhat less than average in religious involvement.”

This was a pivotal moment in my personal journey. I went from believing my story was extraordinary to learning that these types of events are happening to many people. In other words, what was in fact extraordinary was the very ordinariness of it.

I realized that it was time for me to start talking openly, without shame or embarrassment. From this point forward, I vowed to myself, I would open up not only to those I was interviewing but to my family and friends. And if I could comfort anyone, what a privilege that would be.

It was a breakthrough. I felt free.

The post Real-Life Ghost Story: Her Husband Had Been Dead For a Year. Then His Handprint Appeared on the Mirror. appeared first on Reader's Digest.