Getting Through Breast Cancer, Together

My parents have always had a beautiful, supportive marriage, but nothing has shown me just how deep their love for one another runs as going through cancer together. My dad is a colon cancer survivor and through every visit, every trial, every surgery, and every disappointment along his recovery, she has stood by his side.

I’m single and often dream of having that type of commitment to another person (and someone caring about me that profoundly) – but it’s also such a monumental thing to believe: someone can truly love you through the very best and ultimately, the very worst. When we were sitting in the waiting room, both on the edge of tears, I asked her how she stayed so strong through all of it.

“I love your dad. And if the tables were turned, he’d be right there, right by me,” she told me. “When you say ‘in sickness and in health’ you really have to mean it because both will come.”

For these couples — those words have never been more true. Each of the women below are breast cancer survivors and through that difficult time, they all realized just how wonderful their husbands, their family, and their marriage really is. Let these stories inspire you — regardless if you’re looking for or in a relationship — that true love can really make it through anything, everything, and all that’s in between:

Christine

Her breast cancer story: Her dog alerted her to a small lump the size of a round BB in the upper left section of her breast five years ago. She’s been cancer-free since January 2012.

How breast cancer changed her marriage: “Cancer forced my husband and I to be vulnerable with each other, which in turn, created a much more loving, honest relationship. He honored my scars and reminded me that they were my badges of honor. Because he helped me create a positive mindset about my body, I became more confident and was willing to share and be playful with my husband. I started saying ‘yes’ more instead of saying ‘no.’”

Her advice to couples: “Cancer itself is horrible enough; let this be a time of finding as much pleasure in life as you can. Pleasure in snuggling, laughing, resting, and walking in nature. Keep a gratitude journal together and write down three things that each of you are grateful for every day and swap it with your partner. Lastly, ask a friend to go with you to doctor’s visits. Keep the big visits for your partner. “

Stephanie

Her breast cancer story: She was diagnosed in August 2008, and earned her ‘Survivor Status’ in November 2013 after five years of being cancer-free.

How breast cancer changed her marriage: “There are positive that can come out of such a horrific disease, and thankfully, I was able to reconfirm that my marriage is built on a solid foundation. When you go through something like cancer, it strengthens a good marriage and weakens a bad one. And since cancer affects the entire family — not just the husband and wife — I was able to see my daughter elevate to a different level during that time as well. It gave me a glimpse into the type of amazing mother that she will be, and that was one of the biggest blessings of all: to know that all of the hard work that my husband and I put into raising a responsible child who will make a positive impact on the world, has in fact, paid off. She’s awesome, he’s awesome, and we’re awesome.”

Her advice to other couples: “It’s going to be a tough road. Embrace the suck! Together you’ll get through it. If you have to go through it, you might as well grow through it. Your relationship will definitely land at a different level when it’s all said and done.”

Sandi

Her cancer story: She was diagnosed in January 2007 with Stage 2A estrogen-positive breast cancer. She had a mastectomy in late February of that year, with sentinel node biopsy, which revealed no cancer in her lymph nodes. She continued chemo until the end of August 2007, and has been cancer-free since.

How breast cancer changed her marriage: “My husband doesn’t care that I just have one breast. I usually do not wear a breast prosthesis, so I am often publicly one-breasted. That doesn’t bother him, either. I had a skin-sparing mastectomy, so that there’s extra skin in case I ever do want to have reconstruction. My husband would support me in reconstruction, though he is against needless surgeries.”

Her advice to other couples: “Just be open to your own feelings. There is no right or wrong way to feel, and your feelings are allowed to change. If you have surgery, you will be sore for a while, but it will go away.”

Jenn

Her cancer story: She was diagnosed in November of 2013 at 38 years old. Her official treatment ended in May 2015. She’s currently on endocrine therapy for the next 10 years and is considered NED (no evidence of disease).

How breast cancer changed her marriage: “He was absolutely amazing during my diagnosis and treatment. He took copious notes at all of my doctor’s appointments, came to all my chemotherapy appointments, cradled me to sleep when all I could do was cry. He was amazing before … but he really showed me how much he loved me during this time. When we had to shave my head because I was losing my hair, he picked all my hair up off the floor and put it on his head (he’s bald). It was hilarious and really made the mood lighter during what could have been a super somber, tragic event. Instead I was laughing and smiling.”

Her advice to other couples: “Understand that this is happening to your partner as much as it is happening to you. Do your best to build yourself a support system to help you deal with your pain so that you’re not adding to your partner’s pain (this applies to both parties … the one with cancer and the one without)! It isn’t easy and it can feel really weird because your partner is usually the person you would share everything with.  But it’s ok in this instance to seek some outside support. That can take the form of clinical help (a psychiatrist or therapist) or friends or family or writing in a journal. Whatever the avenue, choose something that works for you. Please don’t think you’re helping yourself or your partner by shoving down your fears and ignoring them. All of that will resurface at some point. Even if your emotions seem crazy or out of whack with whatever situation you’re in, they’re still valid because they are your feelings. As such, they deserve to be acknowledged and addressed.”

Marcy

Her breast cancer story: She was diagnosed in 1997 and then had metastatic recurrence in 2000. She had a high dose of chemotherapy with a stem cell rescue (also known as bone marrow transplant) in 2000 and has had no signs of the disease.

How breast cancer changed her marriage: “Everything changes for the person diagnosed and they have to fight, ask for help, etc. The partner cannot make it go away, has to help their partner in a new way and is afraid that person is going to die, be changed forever, etc.  All the roles change, priorities shift, everything changes. My first husband couldn’t write a check to make it go away, so he left me during chemo.

Not everyone knows what to do, I forgave him and hoped to have a brand new life together. But he was still on that same old road, where the same old stuff was still important to him, and I was on a new road. It was over and I left him for good. He missed a chance to be my hero.

I met my second husband through music and family. I had his number in my backpack and when I got back from a year of ‘bucket list’ stuff, I found it and called him. We played music and there was another spark! We’ve been together ever since. It was different with him because he comes from love and kindness. He’s okay with not knowing how to fix it, most of the time – after all he is a guy – and isn’t afraid of not knowing.”

Her advice for couples: “Tell the truth and communicate openly and fully. Join a positive support group together and also separately. Read positive books. Be around positive people. Go about creating the life you want together now, not later, no matter what happens with the cancer, we only have today. Live while you are alive! Together! Make some dreams that you will fulfill when done with treatment.”

 

Lindsay Tigar is a 26-year-old single writer, editor, and blogger living in New York City. She started her popular dating blog, Confessions of a Love Addict, after one too many terrible dates with tall, emotionally unavailable men (her personal weakness) and is now developing a book about it, represented by the James Fitzgerald Agency. She writes for eHarmony, YourTango, REDBOOK, and more. When she isn’t writing, you can find her in a boxing or yoga class, booking her next trip, sipping red wine with friends or walking her cute pup, Lucy.

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