While most of us devote a considerable amount of energy and attention to improving our relationships, in their new book, Mindful Relationships: Creating Genuine Connection With Ourselves and Others, Dr. Richard Chambers and Margie Ulbrick argue that mindfulness itself is a relationship — one we should be spending a bit more time on.
Dr. Chambers, a clinical psychologist and internationally recognized mindfulness expert who specializes in mindfulness-based therapies, and Margie Ulbrick, a collaborative family lawyer, relationship counselor and psychotherapist, draw upon their combined experience to offer a practical and evidence-based guide to using mindfulness to improve all aspects of our lives.
The authors begin by reminding us that mindfulness lives in both our relationship with ourselves and the relationship we create with the world around us. A mindful relationship with ourselves embodies true intimacy,the kind that allows and accepts all parts of ourselves, even the less desirable ones. From there, intimacy ripples out to our partners, children, loved ones, work colleagues, and the world as a whole.
A mindful relationship, the authors write, is an “everyday experience,” but getting there depends on first recognizing our “default mode,” which is often a state of distraction. Here, Chambers and Ulbrick point to the work of Daniel Gilbert and Matthew Killingsworth, who found that our attention is off task 47% of the time, and the result is that we are consistently less happy. To overcome our default mode and bring mindfulness into our everyday lives, the authors offer several easy tips to develop mindful qualities, such as attention, awareness, embodiment, curiosity, non-judgement, gentleness, and self-compassion.
When we use mindfulness throughout our lives, the authors contend, we gain a host of neural benefits. Mindfulness not only strengthens executive functions, but also reduces “amygdala hijack” and lowers cortisol. Of particular interest is the way in which mindfulness activates our “tend and befriend” circuits, which build our capacities for empathy and compassion for those around us. Here again, Chambers and Ulbrick offer several useful mindfulness exercises, such as grounding and soothing ourselves and performing a loving-kindness meditation.
In learning how to meditate, the authors suggest that we treat meditation as an experiment, understanding that there is no ideal time or way to meditate. Of highest importance is that we tune in and not tune out. Here, the authors write, “Many people were originally globally positive about mindfulness and talked about it as if it were some kind of magic potion or panacea, but now (thankfully) the research is becoming more nuanced and people are acknowledging that what we experience when we tune in and get present is not always positive.”
Chambers and Ulbrick follow with numerous wise and insightful tips, such as understanding that stress has more to do with what we are experiencing than with the situation itself, and suffering can be expressed as an equation, where it is equal to our discomfort multiplied by our resistance. Instead of feeding resistance, we can simply notice the effect it has on our lives. As emotions such as anger often reflect unmet needs, we can also learn to pause and recognize these needs.
In looking at how mindfulness affects those around us, the authors write, “Intimacy is the ability to be in touch with our inner experiences — both ours and others.” As the presenting problem for most couples is their avoidance patterns and not the underlying core wound, the path to healing begins with each partner healing themselves. How we go about healing ourselves, the authors tell us, is through recognizing that the way we relate to ourselves is the way we relate to others. By learning to be kinder to ourselves, we learn to be kinder to others. But improving our intimate relationships also means noticing our partner’s bids for contact, taking responsibility for our emotions, becoming aware of our projections, and employing empathy to improve our ability to tolerate vulnerability. And when things go wrong, the authors offer several useful tips, such as repairing, taking space, using a differentiated stance, fighting fair, and seeking help.
Mindfulness also has a profound effect on how we parent our children. As we learn to re-parent ourselves, we will learn to tolerate our children’s distress and avoid attempts to distract them from it. Here, the authors write, “The extent to which parents can manage their own feelings of loss will determine how much they can tolerate and accept the feelings of loss in their children.”
Packed with several easy-to-do and useful exercises, tips on meditation and common sense wisdom, Mindful Relationships is a practical guide to developing a culture of awareness that will not only help us handle difficult emotions, but also help us take responsibility for our own actions, make better decisions, develop intimacy, tolerate failures, and cultivate a growth mindset — all invaluable skills that improve our lives and the lives of those around us.
Mindful Relationships: Creating Genuine Connection With Ourselves and Others
Exisle Publishing, March 2016
Paperback, 221 Pages
$18.95
from Psych Central http://ift.tt/1sjuZcE
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