Jokes From the CIA, IRS, and Others You Never Knew Had a Sense of Humor

The CIA

Cloak and dagger is serious business. But when “The Company,” as the spy agency is euphemistically referred to, released its first tweet in June 2014, this was it: “We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.”

For its second anniversary in 2015…
“In our second year we are going to ██████ #███#Twitterversary”

 

Environmentalists

“There’s a stereotype that environmentalists are overly earnest,” the Environmental Defense Fund’s Keith Gaby told The National Journal. But Gaby isn’t so serious that he can’t tell a joke at his own expense:

How do electric car owners drive? One hand on the wheel, the other patting themselves on the back.

How do you know you’re in a room with environmentalists? Don’t worry, they’ll let you know.

From: The Environmental Defense Fund

 

The IRS

How do you survive being one of the most reviled institutions in America? Join the party. The Internal Revenue Service has a page on its web site dedicated to tax jokes and quotes, many of it taking a jab at itself.

“I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is—I could be just as proud for half the money.” —Arthur Godfrey, entertainer

“A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform.” —Russell B. Long, U.S. Senator

From: The Internal Revenue Service

 

Conservatives

If liberals want to laugh, they have The Daily Show, Stephen Colbert, The Onion, and pretty much every standup comedian out there. If conservatives want to laugh, they turn to … uh … well, the choices are a tad slim. But at least they can always rely on conservative essayist/humorist P.J. O’Rourke, who isn’t afraid to turn the gags on his own party:

“The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.”

 

Psychiatrists

The typical psychotherapist is pigeonholed as a no-nonsense, judgmental pipe-smoker with a bust of a frowning Sigmund Freud on his desk. But according to Psychology Today, even they can laugh at the stereotype:

Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. The first says to the second, “Hello!”
The second smiles back and walks on, mumbling, “Hmm, I wonder what he meant by that?”

Two behaviorists have sex. Afterward, one says, “That was good for you. How was it for me?”

Source: Psychology Today

 

Vegetarians

Fighting for a meat-free lifestyle in a world of meat-eaters doesn’t leave a lot of time for jokes. But the vegetarian Web site vegetus.com has a slew of vegetarian and vegan gags that go down as well as a Tempeh Reuben sandwich.

How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 
I don’t know, but where do you get your protein!?

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.

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Why does vegan cheese taste bad? 
It hasn’t been tested on mice.

I’m not vegetarian because I love animals, I’m vegetarian because I don’t like vegetables.

Source: vegetus.org

 

The Marines

The buzz cuts and stern expressions belie a lighter side. The web site leatherneck.com posts gags about marines, resulting in laughter ringing from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli:

As a group of Marines stood in formation at a Marine Corps Base, the Drill Instructor said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.” As the rest of the squad wandered away, one recruit remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The recruit smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”

At the end of the night, a Marine stumbles out of a bar, drunk. Outside he sees a nun and, irate, beats her up. When he’s done, he bends down and says, “Not as tough as a Marine, are you Batman?”

Source: leatherneck.com

 

Economists

When we think of economists, we think of numbers, not words. And certainly not words that form humor:

Einstein dies and goes to heaven.  His first day, he meets someone and asks, “What’s your IQ?
“145.”
“Wonderful, we can talk about physics.”
The next day, Einstein meets someone else, and asks their IQ.
“100.”
“Wonderful, we can talk about music and the arts.”
The next day, Einstein meets someone else and asks.
“85.”
“What do you think interest rates are going to do?”

Source: The Economist

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