What That One Thing That Always Causes Fights Says About Your Relationship

And how to put the kibosh on the argument once and for all No matter how picture-perfect your relationship is, there might be one topic that always gets your blood boiling. "There are people who have a good relationship, but they're just stuck in a rut about a specific issue," says Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and sex therapist. "For whatever reason, there's a trigger there." To find out just what those triggers were, we put a callout on Facebook asking readers what topic always flips their relationship upside down. Here, get a glimpse at readers' real love-life dilemmas and Van Kirk's advice for working through them for an even stronger relationship."HIS OVERBEARING MOTHER."Let's jump right in with a mom-shaped wedge that can dig itself deep into your relationship. "Very often in this specific situation, this comes from him not having appropriate emotional boundaries with his mom," says Van Kirk. So perhaps he runs to her every time the two of you disagree or he goes along with whatever she decides the paint scheme in your house should be. No matter the case, if you feel like she's interfering in your relationship, it's an issue. "The whole reason she can do that is because he allows for it," says Van Kirk. "If you were really unified, you might take her into consideration, but your boyfriend or husband wouldn't allow her to usurp the power he has."This could be rooted in a process called differentiation; as you age and move away from your original families, becoming different from your parents is just normal. If he didn't experience that enough, he might have a hard time separating his opinions from his mother's. To fix this pesky love-life issue, focus solely on your bond, says Van Kirk. "Don't demonize his mom, and don't beat him up over it. Have a constructive discussion about the fact that you need to protect who you are as a couple."RELATED: How to Get Along With Your In-Laws"HE LIKES TO POSTPONE. I ASK HIM TO DO SOMETHING—AND HE DOES IT WHEN IT SUITS HIM."This dynamic certainly isn't unheard of. While one reader said the above, another noted that she likes to put things where they usually go around the house, while her guy leaves things all over the place—and she usually ends up cleaning his messes. "There are usually two underlying issues here," says Van Kirk. "If the guy isn't pulling his weight, very often he's grown up in a home where the old gender roles were in place." If his mom was always cooking and cleaning while his dad brought in the dough, his attitude about housework might reach back to his childhood. That doesn't mean it's unfixable, though."A lot of these guys have problems with authority and being told to do something," says Van Kirk. That means he can get defensive when you ask him to do something totally reasonable. The end result? You feel like you're nagging, and he feels harangued. Instead, try two tactics: First, let him know that what's really behind this is the fact that him not helping out is hurting your feelings. Next, use humor to deal with the situation. A quick "Jeez, are we trying to build a new Leaning Tower of Pisa?" can help defuse the situation."I FEEL LIKE HE'S MARRIED TO HIS JOB."Van Kirk has seen this dynamic in her own practice time and time again. "Some people become over-identified with what they do for a living," she says. This could also be a manifestation of some need for validation he feels like is not being fulfilled in a relationship. "Maybe he feels like he has more power at work than he does at home," says Van Kirk. Unfortunately, relationships where one person is burying his or her head in the sand sometimes need to get to a breaking point before anything gets better. "That's when it really gets the attention of these guys. They realize home is a sanctuary and restructure their time," says Van Kirk.If you're dealing with this but committed to avoiding the brink of a breakup, try to ensure your guy's home life is an escape from his work life, not the other way around. "You maintain your car by getting oil changes and putting fuel in," says Van Kirk. "You need to do the same thing with a relationship. If your attention is somewhere else, the relationship will start to crack." Check out these secrets of super happy couples for some tips."OUR ONE NEVER-ENDING FIGHT IS ABOUT DISCIPLINING OUR KIDS: HE IS USED TO A PRETTY TRADITIONAL, FIRM METHOD OF DISCIPLINE, AND I WOULD VERY MUCH PREFER A PEACEFUL PARENTING STYLE."Kids are a major source of relationship stress, and with good reason. You're trying to raise a productive member of society, after all! But since you're both only human, this can turn into a power struggle. "There's usually a huge issue around communication and negotiation," says Van Kirk. "The parents have a hard time providing a unified front, and one or both of them allow themselves to become manipulated by their kids." This is usually in the interest of "winning" the kids' affection over the other parent, which can lead to a battle of different parenting styles. Add in the fact that how you're raised is often how you discipline your kids, and it's no wonder things can get tense.Both of you should step outside your relationship to think about how you were raised and how that might be influencing your preferred parenting style, says Van Kirk. Next, think about this: Even if your parenting style is undeniably awesome, it might not be right for your children. "Look at who your kids are, and figure out the most effective disciple strategy for them," says Van Kirk.RELATED: When the Silent Treatment Can Actually Work in Your Favor"HE'S OVERWORKED, UNDERPAID, AND REFUSES TO SEND HIS RESUME OUT, DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE'S QUALIFIED FOR SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT HE HAS SETTLED FOR." Given that jobs affect money and finances are one of the most fraught topics for many relationships, this response makes total sense. But this goes even deeper than that. "When people are at dead-end jobs, they often have real issues with insecurity," says Van Kirk. "They might want to stay in something safe where they know they'll get a paycheck, or they don't want to be pushed to perform at a higher level because they don't think they're worthy of it." Hanging out in the same position seems way less risky than taking a major career chance, which is where you come in. This is your chance to really build up your guy's self-esteem, both in work-related ways  and in non-career aspects whenever you can, says Van Kirk.Overall, the most surprising thing about couples' fights is that sometimes they argue even when they're essentially on the same side. "If you communicate differently, it doesn't matter how similar you are value-wise," says Van Kirk. Luckily, a breakdown in communication doesn't have to equal a breakup. "These couples have to sit down and get very conscious of what they're saying and how they're saying it," she says. "Sometimes, all someone hears is the tone of what's being said, not what the other person is actually saying."One easy way to bring this relationship-mending magic into your own duo is by practicing active listening. Instead of starting in on your spiel as soon as he's finished explaining his side of things, make a conscious effort to repeat his feelings back to him . Voila: You get to double-check that you understand what he's saying, he knows you've been listening, and you can move forward in the hopes of making you relationship stronger.RELATED: 10 Signs Your Relationship Is Rock-Solid and Going to Last

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