How to Tell a Guy You Have an STD—from Someone Who's Done It

A young woman with herpes shares ways to make the talk less stressful. When you're open about the fact that you have herpes , you get asked all the time if there is a foolproof, non-awkward way to tell a new sexual partner that you have an STD. Sorry to let you down, but there is no one-size-fits all script for disclosure . Every relationship is its own special snowflake, and you have to find an approach to the STD conversation that works for you.But in my experience bringing up the topic since I was diagnosed two years ago, I have picked up a few tricks. Here are 10 pointers I recommend anyone who has to broach this difficult topic keep in mind.1. PracticeYes, it is scary to have That Conversation, especially when you’ve been diagnosed recently. At the beginning, even thinking the words “I have an STD” can feel uncomfortable and embarrassing. So say them as often as possible! Talk to yourself in the mirror. Chat with your pets about sexual health—they won’t judge you. Every time you disclose your status, even when no one is actually on the listening end of that conversation, it gets easier. Before a big date, I like to practicing segues as I lather my hair up with shampoo in the shower . You don't need to plan out everything you want to say to your partner in advance, but knowing where you want to start and being able to say it smoothly will help you feel confident when the moment arrives.2. Don’t Psych Yourself OutIt’s human nature to imagine all of the no-good, very-bad, awkward directions this conversation could go. When I was first diagnosed, the many nasty ways my date could reject me ran through my head like ticker tape. But convincing myself every disclosure would be a disaster was a self-fulfilling prophecy; I’ve only ever had a bad response when I entered that conversation from a place of doubt and insecurity. Instead of fixating on the risk of rejection, focus on how awesome you are and the positives you bring to the relationship. No, seriously! Think of the character and respect you are demonstrating by being honest about your sexual health. Look at you, doing the right thing. Who wouldn’t want to date you?3. Make It a Conversation, Not a MonologueA great way to freak out the person you’re dating is to say you need to talk about something serious and then launch into a big, emotional confession. Instead of taking the “I have something important to tell you” route, treat this as an opportunity to discuss how you want to approach your relationship…in a low-pressure way, of course. I’ve used the disclosure conversation to discuss what I want in the relationship more generally—am I looking for something exclusive, or would I prefer to keep things casual? This is also a good time to ask how recently they were last tested for STDs and discuss what forms of protection and birth control you want to use together. Saying, “I would rather we use condoms if we have sex because I have HPV and want to keep you safe,” is much more reassuring than, “I hate to tell you this, but I have HPV.”RELATED: The Scary Facts About Women and STDsDon't be surprised if opening up about your STD invites him or her to do the same with whatever it is they struggle to tell new partners. Disclosing that you have an STD demonstrates you’re an honest, nonjudgmental soul, and that will often encourage your partner to lower some of his or her walls, too. Some of my best relationships were built on that first conversation when I let my guard down and my partner followed me to that place of emotional vulnerability. These are the moments of trust and vulnerability that become the foundations of the best relationships.4. Be Prepared to Offer InformationI totally botched one of my earliest disclosures because I had no idea how to answer my beau’s questions about how herpes "worked." The virus was still a mystery to me, and when I couldn't explain why condoms weren’t enough to fully prevent transmission, my potential friend-with-benefits suggested we stick to platonic friendship after all.Most people know very little about sexually transmitted diseases, so it’s always a good idea to come to the conversation armed with knowledge. Offer to explain how your STD works, and have some statistics about how common it is in your back pocket. Don’t bombard your new boo with facts; too much information can be overwhelming and hard to process. But be ready to answer their questions and calmly admit when something is outside of your area of expertise. You don’t need to know everything, but you should know the essentials, like what forms of protection you can use.5. …But Not Too Much InfoDon't feel like you have to explain how you got your STD or from whom. Asking someone how they contracted an STD is like asking how many sexual partners they’ve had—it’s invasive and a little judgmental. It is one thing to volunteer that information, particularly if it’s a story you want to share. But you’re allowed to keep your past off-limits. When a date pries into that part of my story, I gently say, “That’s something I’d rather not talk about.” Your partner has the right to know information relevant to his or her safety—that’s why you’re telling them about your STD in the first place. Sharing anything more than that is entirely up to you.RELATED: I Tested Positive for Herpes—Now What?6. Don’t ApologizeAt no point should you say, “I’m so sorry, but I have something to tell you.” If you frame your STD as something you are ashamed of, it makes it a bigger deal to your partner than it necessarily has to be. Your partner will mirror however you feel about your STD. If you’re a confident, smiling charmer who graciously shares information, they’ll be more at ease and in a better frame of mind to process what you’ve said. If you’re visibly stressing out, they will be on-edge, too. I like to deliver my herpes announcement with a smirk and a joke about what a boost it’s been to my career .Besides, as long as you do not wait until after you have had sex with someone to tell them that you have an STD, there is literally no reason for you to apologize. Having an STD is a part of your life, but it does not define you. You have not misled your partner by not sharing your status along with your name and phone number. It is also not an unfair burden to ask someone to date you despite your having an STD. Everyone brings challenges to a relationship, whether it’s difficult parents or a fear of commitment. You happen to have a virus living in your body. Chances are it’ll impact the relationship less than someone’s inability to text you back within a reasonable window of time.7. Give Your Partner Time to ThinkSome people need time to process whether or not they are comfortable getting involved with someone who has an STD. I once dated someone who disappeared after I told him over drinks that I had genital herpes. He resurfaced after a week to ask me out for dinner, and when I teased him about his vanishing act over artisanal grilled cheeses, he admitted that he’d wanted to do his research.Having someone vanish while they make up their mind might be irritating and nerve-wracking, but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Some folks need space to noodle through what an STD would mean for their lives. People with compromised immune systems may need to speak to their doctors. If they’re a good person, they’ll pop back up eventually to move forward or let you down nicely.That being said, occasionally you’ll stumble across someone who Googles transmission statistics while you’re in the bathroom and is good to go as soon as you get back to the restaurant table. That guy is a keeper.8. ...And Definitely Don't Wait Until You're StrippingI highly recommend not disclosing right before getting down and dirty, when the lust haze emotionally compromises our brains. It’s not fair to pressure someone into making a decision about his or her sexual health in the heat of the moment. If you can tell a situation is heading in that direction, slow things down and talk it out. Waiting until after you’ve had sex to disclose denies them the chance to give you their informed consent. Then you really will have something to apologize for.At a party, I once realized the playful flirting between a friend and I was not quite as harmless as I'd thought. He already knew that I had herpes—I tell most of my friends, whether or not I want to bone them—but as we left the party to go back to his place, I made sure we took the long route. By the time we'd reached his apartment, he knew the statistics and we were both confident in what we wanted to have happen between us.          RELATED: The Shocking New Number of STD Cases Each Year9. Know That You Deserve a Yes—But Don't Take a No PersonallySadly, an STD will be a deal-breaker for some people for a lot of reasons. Men and women with other health conditions might not want to put themselves at risk. A dude once broke up with me because he’d just gotten over chlamydia and didn’t want to gamble with his sexual health again so soon. And of course, every once in a while you will meet a jerk who has internalized the cultural stigma surrounding STDs too much to move forward with you.Yes, rejection sucks. But it doesn’t really matter how valid or bogus your partner’s reason is for turning you down—respect it, and consider yourself better off. Now, you don't have to waste time on someone who can’t be the best partner for you.10. Remember That a Yes Doesn't Guarantee a Good RelationshipIt feels validating and awesome when someone says your STD is no big deal. But if accepting your STD ever becomes a bargaining chip or a “favor” your partner has done for you, this person might not be someone you want to date. They don’t get to congratulate themselves for being kind enough to have sex with you—or use your STD as an excuse to not put effort into the relationship. Keep your bar high. You should have a partner who adores you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated, regardless of your sexual health.I’ve dated several incredible guys since I was diagnosed with genital herpes. What’s my secret? I refuse to think I deserve anything less than a supportive and fulfilling relationship, no matter what a stigma may have told me.

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