A co-worker stinks
Are those moldy socks? Has someone left their sandwich on their desk before going off on vacation? Is there a boy’s gym class working out in the next room? No, it’s Ralph in the adjoining cubicle! If your coworker is stinking up the joint then hold your nose and let him or her know with this allegorical tale:
Mitchy had a problem with body odor, so he went to see his doctor.
“Do you wash?” the doctor asked him.
“Of course,” Mitchy replied. “Every single morning I begin at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then, I begin at my feet and wash up as far as possible.”
“Well,” the doctor told him, “I suggest you go home and wash possible.”
You insist on a raise
Armed with reams of proof of your worthiness, you are about to barge into your boss’s office prepared to demand the moon. STOP! Read this joke first and dial back your ultimatum.
After two months on the job, the new employee believes he deserves a fat raise.
“And how much of a raise do you want?” asks his boss.
“I’m thinking an extra $50,000 a year,” says the employee.
The boss nods. “Sounds about right. And what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The employee sits up straight. “Wow!” he says. “Are you kidding?”
“Yes, but you started it.”
You’re nervous about a group presentation
“Speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person,” said Jerry Seinfeld. “This means, to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” Fear can suddenly overwhelm or gradually paralyze. To calm nerves, Navy SEALS use the 4X4X4X4 breathing technique. Empty your lungs then breath in deeply for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, and hold your empty lungs for four seconds. If you can’t remember to do that, then maybe you can remember this gag:
Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: “Breathe, stupid!”
The office party
Oh, boy. The company’s holiday party is nigh and the guy who fell into the punch bowl last year is the most excited of all. Advise him to tone it down this year with this Phyllis Diller quote:
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Your boss is clueless
Your boss is not technically savvy and it has resulted in many a mistake, most of which you get blamed for. Share a not too subtle joke that hopefully will clue her in to the fact that she’s no Mark Zuckerberg:
A new employee is leaving at the end of his first day and sees the big boss standing by a paper shredder with a confused look on her face. The boss looks at the new guy and asks, “Do you know how to use this? This document has a lot of important confidential data on it.”
“Why yes I do,” replied the eager young man as he takes the paper from his boss, turns on the machine and starts feeding the paper in.
“Great ” says the boss, “I need three copies.”
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Don’t miss these cringe-worthy stories about 25 of the worst bosses you’ll ever meet.
The company lawyer takes you to task
You had a nasty run-in with the company’s lawyer. That thing you did with petty cash? Yeah, it’s illegal. Don’t let it get you down. Instead, remember with whom you’re dealing:
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?
A: The sperm has a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being!
You have IT issues
Know what an algorithm is? It’s a word used by programmers when they don’t want to explain what they did. Has anyone who’s not in IT ever understood what the IT guy is saying? Doubtful. Here’s a gag that will prepare you for the inevitable run-around after you’ve asked for help:
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that’s a hardware problem.
Office gossip
“Loose lips sink ships,” was the saying during World War II, and it still goes for the office. Talk too much and it’s bound to make the rounds, like this gag will:
Three co-workers are at lunch when they to confess their shortcomings.
“I drink too much,” says the first. “In fact, I keep a bottle in my desk drawer at all times.”
“I lust after all the women in our office,” admits the second guy.
The first two turn to the third. “What about you?”
“Me? I can’t stop gossiping.”
This one magic phrase will stop gossip in its tracks.
Your manager casts blame
Your boss has a habit of blaming you for all her screw-ups. Since it’s always tough to tell off someone who can fire you, share a gag that hopefully will get your point across.
A woman is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes she’s lost. She spots a man down below and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.
“I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Everything you have told me is technically correct, and yet it’s of no use to anyone.”
The man below says, “You must work in management.”
“I do. How did you know?”
“Well, you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help; and you’re in the same position as you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.
These are the 9 things to never say to your boss.
from Reader's Digest http://ift.tt/2nZcUkW
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