Lisa Find Love

Experts explain how to keep your love alive. Slides Slide:    DON'T Just Go with the Flow Pay Attention to the Issues That Come Up Again and Again You Need Closeness AND Intimacy Put Compassion First Use Anger to Make Your Relationship Better You Can Always Give Your Partner Some Grace Prioritize Yourself for a Better Sex Life Give Tough Talks the Time and Attention They Deserve SEO The Top Pieces of Advice Couples Therapists Tell Their Clients The Top Pieces of Advice Couples Therapists Tell Their Clients Slideshow Details Next Slideshow:  The #1 Pieces of Advice Sex Therapists Give Their Clients Channel Feed Details Slider Image:  couples-therapy-main-slider.jpg Display Off Slider Hed:  Display Off the Hed on Slider

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Velocipede carousels were created in the late 19th century to accustom Parisians to riding bicycles. Learn more about velocipede carousels.

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Nitrous oxide can numb agonizing pain and make you really lightheaded and silly. Learn more about how nitrous oxide works.

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Snake handlers risk their lives every time they hold a venomous snake. Learn more about snake handlers at HowStuffWorks.

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...So you can stop wasting your times on dudes who 'aren't ready for anything serious.' Girl meets boy, girl likes boy, boy disappears when things get too serious. It's the UGH-inducing plotline so many women have experienced at one point or another. The good news is that you might be able to spot those dudes before they actually say the words, "I'm not looking for a relationship." Here, the plain and simple signs that he has major boyfriend potential. #TheMoreYouKnowTo the untrained eye, a guy who's eager to spend time with you—like all the time—might seem like he's interested in a relationship. But really, it could be the sign that he's more interested in hooking up than hanging out and getting to know you, says psychologist and dating coach Jennifer B. Rhodes, Psy.D. If you spend every minute of your first weekend together, there's a chance he'll go AWOL if he loses interest, she says. When a guy thinks he's found someone he could commit to, he'll be respectful of her time and follow her lead, says Rhodes. If he's into you, you should expect him to reach out to you within about three days of meeting him, she says. Though hearing from him sooner is fine, if he seems to be rushing into hanging out all the time, push back a little and see if he's cool with waiting to see you again, she says. If he's willing, he might be a keeper.RELATED: 8 Things Girls In New Relationships Do But Will Never Admit ToRelationship-friendly guys will respond to your texts and calls within 24 hours, says Rhodes. And if you tell him to call you, he actually dials your number, rather than sending a text. If he takes longer than three days to respond or replies late at night, he's probably interested in something casual or just sex and not a full-blown relationship, she says. Emotionally mature men—or the guys that you actually want to date—are upfront about their intentions within the first few dates, she says. If you were chatting at a bar, he might say something like "I had a great time talking to you tonight and would love to take you out. I'll call you this weekend."Within the first two days of meeting a guy, you should be talking about more than your favorite workout classes and Game of Thrones, says Rhodes. A guy who's not afraid of a little commitment wants to know about your family, where you grew up, your religious beliefs, and how you spend the holidays, says Rhodes. He might also dig into serious topics, like your religious beliefs, she says. Go ahead and ask him some open-ended questions about his background, says Rhodes. He shouldn't get skittish if he's a one-woman kind of guy, she says.RELATED: 12 Awkward Things That Happen in EVERY New RelationshipAny dude who vents his frustrations about an ex or refuses to accept some responsibility for the breakup isn't ready to be in a serious relationship, says Rhodes. If he says anything beyond "we wanted different things" or whines about his ex-girlfriends' behavior, it means he's probably not over her or mature enough for the kind of relationship you want. Plus, if he's shaming his last girlfriend, he might suck at communication—which is vital for any adult relationship, says Judy Rosenberg, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and dating coach.RELATED: 7 Reasons a Guy Will Break Things Off—Even When He's Actually Into YouA man who's always in touch with his friends and family is one who's capable of a healthy romantic relationship, says Rosenberg. To figure out if he fits the bill within the first 48 hours, ask him how often he gets together with his parents, siblings, and pals and what they're like. You can also do a little digging to see if his friends are spoken for or not—since he's more likely to put a ring on someone if his friends are already hitched, she says. One other very important relationship: the one he has with his cat . If he's caring for another creature or recalls any funny stories about Whiskers, there's a good chance he's not afraid of commitment.

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If you've eaten a potato lately, then you've probably already ingested some uranium. Learn what would happen if you ate uranium at HowStuffWorks.

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Americans are facing a looming, undeniable crisis. The number of elders who need sustained help with the tasks of everyday life is growing rapidly, but the availability of people who can care for them is lagging far behind.

At first blush, the problem seems to pertain only to the elderly and those about to cross that line into later life. Really, though, it is about everyone, regardless of age or financial status or any other personal or demographic characteristic. The Age of Dignity: Preparing for the Elder Boom in a Changing America, by Ai-jen Poo, with Ariane Conrad, spells it all out. Poo is a winner of a MacArthur genius award, and it takes true genius to describe with such optimism and warmth what is about to descend upon us all.

Americans are living longer, and that’s a good thing. But there are more and more seniors: Every day, more than ten thousand people turn sixty-five, and the fastest growing demographic is the group of people who are eighty-five and older. Of those who make it to sixty-five and beyond, Poo writes, a whopping seventy percent of them “need some form of long-term services and supports.” Already, she writes, we “have three times more families in need of care providers than our current workforce is able to support.”

That disconnect between the need for care and the availability of care workers is only going to grow. Without serious attention to solutions, we are all in trouble — our elders, those of us who want to become elders, and all the people who love other people who need care but can’t afford it, or can’t find it even if they can afford it.

For a long time, the care of our elders was a family affair. Even as “homes” for the elderly (sometimes called “old age homes”) became more commonplace, institutionalization never really warmed anyone’s heart — not the people who were left there, and not the people who made the (often heartbreaking) decision to bring their loved ones there. As they grow older, the vast majority of people (as many as ninety percent) want to live in their own homes; many, though, simply cannot manage on their own.

Family members feel most responsible. Many want to care for their elders, not just out of obligation but of love. But consider this: “According to one study,” Poo writes, “an estimated 1.2 million Americans over the age of sixty-five will have no living children, siblings, or spouses by 2020.” That means no immediate family members alive to even consider giving care.

The looming crisis of care, though, is not one that can be adequately addressed by individuals or families.

I’d add that even those who do have living relatives may find that those relatives live far away or have their own health challenges. And Poo argues that even if there are family members who are willing and able to provide long-term care for elders who need it, they should not assume those responsibilities on their own. They should welcome the help of professionals, and treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve, including decent pay and benefits and time off.

The looming crisis of care, though, is not one that can be adequately addressed by individuals or families. Instead, we need broad-based social change along three fronts: cultural (including more dignified representations of the elderly in the media), behavioral (for example, initiating the conversations we need to have in our families and our communities), and, of course, structural and policy changes.

For those who fear that the changes we need are all too daunting, Poo shares examples of successful initiatives from many different states and from other nations. In the U.S., for example, Naturally Occurring Retirement Communities, as well as the Village movement, have helped many elders stay in their own homes and out of institutions. Japan has a caregiving time bank, in which people can accumulate credit for care they provide to others, and then use those credits when they need help themselves, or transfer them to others.

Both Japan and Germany have universal social insurance programs that provide long-term care to everyone who needs it. Poo believes we need that — and much more — in the U.S., too.

What we don’t need is the anti-immigrant fervor sweeping the nation. As Poo points out, “two-thirds of nannies, housekeepers, and caregivers for the elderly are foreign-born, and about half of them are undocumented.”

Yes, universal long-term care insurance and all the rest will cost money, and that’s always a challenge, but Poo has some suggestions as to where funds could come from. For instance, she writes, “cuts to immigration enforcement as well as incarceration and defense spending and negotiation of lower prices for drugs purchased by Medicare and Medicaid” could help.

Poo is a tremendously accomplished person. She has achieved unlikely successes in organizing immigrant care workers and coaxing significant reforms from typically reluctant legislators. For example, she co-founded the Domestic Workers United, and had a hand in getting a Domestic Workers’ Bill of Rights passed in New York. In The Age of Dignity, she shows great sensitivity to the undignified ways that people such as the poor, immigrants, and women are treated, and relates personal and moving stories of the ways in which we tend to devalue their intimate and indispensable work.

In some ways, The Age of Dignity is a personal book. The stories the author tells are sometimes those of her own relatives. She offers a bit about herself, but I wanted more, especially about her experiences in organizing and advocating for social change. I was also disappointed that this inspiring person, who showed so much awareness and empathy toward so many marginalized groups, had nothing to say about the role of single people in caring for others. Surely she must know the research showing that single people often do a disproportionate share of the work of providing extensive care for those who need it. In families in which some grown kids are single and others are married, the singlist assumption is too often made that the singles should do the work because, according to the stereotypes, they don’t have anyone anyway and they don’t have a life.

Underscoring the significant financial costs to caregivers, Poo notes:

“In order to provide care, most family caregivers must rearrange their work schedules, reduce their hours, or take unpaid leaves of absence. Some find they must turn down opportunities for overtime or promotions or travel. Some use sick leave or vacation time.”

For single people, who have no spouse to fill in the financial gap if they have to take time off from work, these costs are even more consequential. The infringement on single people’s work also has worrying implications for their own old age, as their reduced hours and slower advancement undercuts the pensions and Social Security they will have available to them when they retire. Again, they won’t have a spouse’s benefits to draw from.

My reservations, though, do not spoil my bottom line. The Age of Dignity is a readable and deeply significant book. Poo’s cogent analyses, heartfelt storytelling, and wise recommendations will provide motivation and guidance as we create the caring infrastructure that will hopefully support us all for the rest of our lives.

The Age of Dignity: Preparing for the Elder Boom in a Changing America
The New Press, February 2015
Hardcover, 176 pages
$25.95

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Earth's magnetic field has flipped 170 times in the last 100 million years. Learn what would happen if the magnetic field flipped at HowStuffWorks.

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Sea levels are rising because of climate change. Learn what would happen if sea levels rose 12 inches at HowStuffWorks.

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Chicken bones can cause gastrointestinal problems for your dog. Learn what would happen if a dog eats a chicken bone at HowStuffWorks.

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A world without cows would also be a world with less methane. Learn more about what would happen if cows didn't exist at HowStuffWorks.

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For years I worked in a state hospital and a community mental health center. One thing I noticed early on was that when staff found a client to be difficult or resistant — or even just hard to like — too often they gave a diagnosis of borderline.

Sometimes it would happen just because a client made a choice that her therapist didn’t like: Suddenly, the therapist would give a new, unjustified diagnosis.

I am grateful to psychologist Marsha Linehan for helping to change this dynamic when she developed a new form of psychotherapy called dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) in the late 1980s. Now, this researcher, Zen master, teacher, and therapist has published a new, compassionate book on DBT as well as an accompanying book of worksheets.

Some time ago, I visited an adolescent inpatient facility to look at a program for teenagers who had picked up the borderline tag along the way. The facility had incorporated DBT into its program — and even if the diagnosis may have been the same, the tone was markedly different. Instead of “borderline,” staff described the teens as “passionate personalities.” The teens seemed to prefer it.

Throughout Linehan’s DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition, she talks about using skills such as mindfulness, emotional regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and distress tolerance not just for the clients but for yourself, the mental health practitioner, the teacher of these skills. She goes over the roles, boundaries, and responsibilities of the therapist, skills trainers, case managers, pharmacotherapists, nurses, line staff, and, of course, the client/participant. She gives some flexibility to allow for individual differences of participants. Training can be done individually, but Linehan emphasizes group work, and discusses the advantages of open versus closed groups and the need for two trainers (and the role of each). The service is truly wrap-around.

This second edition covers and implements the enormous amount of research on DBT since the original volume was published in 1993. Since then, DBT has moved beyond a focus only on borderline and high suicide risk to an effective evidence-based treatment for eating disorders, treatment-resistant depression, problem drinking, and many other issues.

The 2014 book is much more detailed than the earlier edition, and includes research on the effectiveness of the training. Skills training can also be incorporated into any therapy, whether or not the focus is DBT, and I have begun to use exercises and work from this book in my own practice.

Linehan gives a lot of credit to the individuals she has worked with over the years and all that they have taught her. I appreciate that she shares stories of those learning experiences and the choices and difficulties she has faced in continuing to improve this process. What really draws me to her work, though, is her respect for the participants. Linehan wants to help people build lives they actually want to live, she writes, and she treats participants as adults who can run their own lives.

Linehan also seeks the same commitment from all those in the treatment team — which includes the participant. But “in over 30 years of conducting DBT skills groups,” she writes, “I have never kicked out a group member.” That doesn’t mean there weren’t difficult members that she felt the group would be better off without, but that her ability to handle a difficult group member has improved. Specifically, she writes, “my ability to manage a difficult group participant with equanimity and a lightness of tone has allowed other group members not only to cope with disturbance, but also to find ways of appreciating the contributions that the difficult member often does manage to make.”

In addition to the second edition of the skills training manual, Guilford has published a second edition of Linehan’s DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets as well. But as thorough and detailed as these two more recent books are, especially in tandem, therapists might still want to keep a copy of Linehan’s original Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder from 1993 on hand. (She refers to her earlier text throughout her newer handbook.) Still, the second-edition research, handouts, worksheets, and teaching notes are wonderful, and are available as printable PDFs at the Guilford Press website.

Over the years, Linehan has provided therapists and other mental health workers with an outstanding resource. She reminded us then, and reminds us now, that we can work with individuals in a respectful, effective way — and she gives us the tools to do so. Drawing from her own research, Zen practice, and experience, Linehan teaches us not to judge an action or an outcome as good or bad — and not to slap on labels for no reason.

DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition
The Guilford Press, October 2014
Paperback, 504 pages
$45

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Is your foot really the same length as your arm from wrist to elbow? Find out with a little help from Da Vinci at HowStuffWorks.

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Accidentally throwing away money is more common than you might think. Find out how much money people accidentally throw away every year.

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The Globe of Death tests the laws of physics and the outer limits of bikes and bodies. See how the Globe of Death works.

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In a previous article, I wrote about how both men and women prefer those who display neotenous (i.e., baby-like) features over adult features and rate those who exhibit them as more attractive.¹ So what happens when toymakers manipulate these baby-like features to give off a sexualized vibe? Enter, the Bratz dolls.

Bratz, owned by MGA Entertainment, is a line of dolls that is very popular with today’s children. Bratz have seen a great deal of controversy in their time on the market, as they are often scantily clad and heavily made up.

The American Psychological Association (APA) formed the Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls in response to public concern over the growing problem of sexualization of children and adolescent females. Researchers have found that it is often females upon which sexuality is imposed, especially in the media.

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It can be as hot and steamy as you'd hope...if you follow these tips. When you imagine having sex in the shower, what comes to mind? It might be beautiful, naked, soapy bodies exchanging steamy kisses—or maybe soap in your eyes, butts against cold tiles, and awkwardly slipping against each other as you trying to find a single stable position. The fumbling sex scene in 500 Days of Summer, where they fall out of the tub and rip out the shower curtain; that’s probably the most accurate portrayal of bathroom sex in recent memory.The secret, as with many other sex situations, is to have fun with it all, says David Yarian, Ph.D, a Nashville-based sex therapist. You can’t expect it to work like normal intercourse, but you can find ways to make your bathroom your own sexual water park. Here are some of his best tips.RELATED: The #1 Pieces of Advice Sex Therapists Give Their Clients You might be completely aroused at the sight of your partner all slicked down, but that shower water could accidentally wash away all of your natural lubrication. “The number one thing that goes wrong is vaginal irritation and/or infection,” says Yarian. By avoiding the water, you can maintain your own wetness so that it doesn’t hurt when he’s entering you. And be really careful if that delicate southern skin gets irritated easily—you might want to avoid getting all soapy in that particular area during the act. It’s really hard to open a condom with slippery hands, not to mention actually getting it on him. Get protected before you get wet—whether by birth control, IUD, or whatever your personal preference—or if you do want to use a condom, research the brand to see if it can stand up to water, says Yarian.RELATED: The Best and Worst Small Spaces to Have Sex in Do not, we repeat, do not put a foot on the edge of the bathtub. “There’s always the possibility of slipping and falling," says Yarian. One good position that keeps your feet planted firmly on the ground is doggy style. “If the female—or receptive partner—is bent over with both feet on the ground, they might be more stable, and then the man can stand upright behind her,” says Yarian. “I would not add extra acrobatics on top of slipperiness.” It’s an easy way to wind up in an ER. Not hot. “I think intercourse is the least-safe thing you can do,” says Yarian. “It’s fun to fool around, soap each other up, caress and touch, be slippery together, and then have the actual intercourse outside the bathroom.” Play with the sensuality of the water, the hot air, the new feeling of each other’s bodies. That’s a really great time, too.RELATED: How to Find Your Own G-Spot Pause to appreciate and embrace the intimacy of the moment. You’re makeup-free, your body is bare, and you’re standing there together taking care of each other. “To have your partner groom you, shampoo you, soap you, it’s pretty intimate,” says Yarian. “It can be slow, and slow is often really sexy.” Give him an epic head scratch as you shampoo his fair, or let him wash you from head to toe, or carefully shave your legs. You might find sensitive spots you didn’t even know you had. Plus, you just crossed a task off your to-do list for the day! It’s a win-win.

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Abigail Adams (1744-1818): The Counsel A patriot from the earliest days of the Revolutionary War, Abigail Adams supplied the troops stationed near her Boston Harbor home with ammunition. (When she saw they had no bullets, she collected all the silver and steel she could find in her house and melted it down for the soldiers to […]

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If you are trying to reach someone who is discouraged, struggling, or headed for a troubled path, Manny Scott might help. One of the original so-called Freedom Writers — the at-risk youth in Los Angeles whose lives were portrayed in a Hilary Swank film several years ago — Scott had an incredibly tough adolescence. Now, Scott does outreach through an educational consulting team, motivating young people going through difficult times as well as others and engaging in suicide prevention work.

In Your Next Chapter: How to Turn the Page and Create the Life of Your Dreams, his second self-published book, Scott spares us the typical rags-to-riches story, and avoids the oversimplified pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps guidance.

He seems to truly have the ability to reach people where they are in life, and to help them discover their worth and potential despite their circumstances. And, in the book, he gives straightforward tips on how to achieve and maintain success by illustrating what to do and what not to do. He teaches by example, and strategically shares his lessons learned.

As for Scott’s own childhood, his father was incarcerated — and his stepfather was an abusive alcoholic. He recalls eating out of dumpsters, being homeless. Each year from fourth through ninth grade, he missed sixty, sometimes ninety, days of school, then dropped out when he was fourteen. By age sixteen, his best friend was brutally murdered.

“I should be an alcoholic, a drug addict, an abuser of women, promiscuous, homeless, violent, locked-up, or dead,” Scott writes. Without his basic human needs fulfilled when he was growing up, Scott can relate to students whose lives are filled with chaos — and reminds us that we really don’t know what a young person has been through before they come to school, or what they will deal with each day after the last bell rings.

At one of the lowest moments in his own life, Scott writes, he sat on a park bench. A stranger sat next to him, the two spoke, and the man was able to restore Scott’s hope for the future. Just as that stranger encouraged Scott to start making positive changes in his life, Scott now hopes to help readers. His story is a bonafide inspirational one.

Scott has been extremely diligent about achieving each of his goals, starting with returning back to school and improving his grades. He tells of how he practiced his oratory skills — he now speaks to more than a hundred audiences each year — and, most of all, he discloses the mistakes he has made. His book can help readers feel less discouraged, more hopeful, more motivated. I would like to see it listed as required reading, too, for every young person going through the juvenile court system, who may feel broken and unsure of how to heal.

Your Next Chapter: How to Turn the Page and Create the Life of Your Dreams
CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, August 2014
Paperback, 220 pages
$24.99

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You don’t need a marching band to make it special. It takes two to make a baby, but only one to take a pregnancy test. And that's great if you like the idea of planning an elaborate announcement to share your secret. If you don't, the time between peeing on a stick and handing said stick to the person who knocked you up can feel like forever. But no matter how you tell your partner that your train is pulling into babyville, the end result is usually pretty fantastic. From over-the-top to super straightforward, these ladies explain the ways they told their partners they had a bun in the oven. We've also included a few videos of creative moms-to-be surprising their partners with baby news. Enjoy!"Before I found out I was pregnant, I thought I would tell my husband by making dinner with baby food or telling him on his birthday. But when the time came, all those ideas went out the window. When I had a hunch I was pregnant, I decided to take a pregnancy test at work that day. My husband happened to be there because sometimes he works remotely in my office, so I told him to meet me in the hallway. When I saw him, I started crying because I was so happy to be pregnant after trying for a while. Obviously, he didn't know what was going on and asked me what was wrong. I said, 'I'm pregnant!' We hugged and were so excited the rest of the day." —Ronjini J."One night, I sat down to pull some tarot cards, and I pulled three that had to do with motherhood. So I went to buy a pregnancy test the next morning without telling my S.O.—he would have thought I was crazy for thinking the tarot cards told me I was knocked up. When I took it, it was positive. It was also 10 a.m., and my husband was at work. When he got home, I asked him to sit on the couch with me. He was being weirdly chatty and kept rambling on about his day. When he finally paused and asked, 'How are you?' I said, 'Well, I'm pregnant.' He looked terrified. Then he started laughing and tearing up. I just remember him throwing his head back and covering his face, saying, 'Oh, my god,' over and over again. I couldn't really tell if he was excited or scared. Then, he took a deep breath, hugged me, and told me how happy he was." —Sarah J.RELATED: This Woman Didn't Know She Was Pregnant…for the Last 50 YEARS"I was 39 when my partner and I decided to have a baby, and we knew it was going to be tough. But after two months of trying, I took a pregnancy test, and it looked positive. When I did it, my S.O. was doing some work in the back yard, so I asked him to come take a look at something. When he came inside, I handed him the stick and asked if he saw one or two lines. He said, 'Hmmm, one and a half?' When the doctor confirmed I was pregnant a few days later, he said, 'Wow, so it's really happening.' I think he was in shock with how fast we got knocked up!" —Shah B."After I took a home pregnancy test, I poured some champagne for my husband and some sparkling apple juice for me into these glasses my mom had bought us for our wedding. Then, I put a toddler-sized T-shirt on our dog that said 'Big Brother.' When my husband saw the dog walk into the bedroom where he was changing his clothes after work, he figured it out and asked if I had real champagne in my glass. He was so excited because we were ready to start our family, and I got pregnant on the first try. Apparently, he was he was proud of himself." —Suz O."When my husband and I were newly engaged, I was a full-time college student and had no plans for kid. When my cycle was late, I thought it was probably stress, but one day at school, the smell from the cafeteria made me feel sick to my stomach, so I made an appointment to have a pregnancy test. Afterward, I put the positive test on a dinner plate and handed it to my fiancé when he got home. I think the joke I was trying to make was, 'Here's what's for dinner.' Looking back, I feel bad about ambushing him like that. I think I was just in shock. I don't remember exactly what he said, but he handled it super well and was very happy!" —Michelle M.RELATED: 7 Myths About Getting Pregnant"After taking five positive pregnancy tests, I went to the store and bought flowers and a balloon that read 'Congratulations.' I set it up on our kitchen island with two mini bottles of champagne and the positive pregnancy tests. When he came home from work, my husband said how funny it was that I'd bought him flowers. Then, he pointed to the tests and said, 'Does that mean…?' When I said I was preggo, he lifted me up by my waist and spun me around. Then he put me down and said he probably shouldn’t do that anymore. It was a moment I will never forget." —Jennifer C."I was shopping for baby clothes with my pregnant sister when I told her I thought I might be pregnant because my period was almost two weeks late. So we bought a pregnancy test, and it was positive. Instead of telling my husband the good news on the phone, I bought a pair of baby shoes and gift-wrapped them. After my husband picked me up from my shopping trip, I gave him a big kiss and handed him a 'belated birthday present.' When he pulled out the booties, he thought I'd accidentally given him a gift I bought my sister. He looked so confused, and I just sat there and grinned. When it finally sank in that we were having a baby, he said, 'Woo!' and we laughed and cried." —Glenda S.RELATED: 18 Photos of Pregnant Women That Will Take Your Breath Away "I found out I was pregnant before I went to work on my birthday. My husband had already left for the office. It was tough to make it through the day—or even attempt to plan an elaborate announcement—because I was so anxious to tell him. When we got home from work that night, I called him into the kitchen to show him the 'birthday surprise' I'd gotten at work that day. When I showed him the positive pregnancy test, he smiled and said, 'Are you serious?' Then he said, 'You know, I had a feeling.'" —Emily C."My husband and I were trying to get pregnant, so I decided to take a pregnancy test before we went to a holiday party with lots of booze. When the test was positive, I called my husband into the bathroom and showed him the test. He had a big smile and said, 'Did you just take this?' I told him I did and then had him run out to get more tests. They were all positive. At the party that night, we kept squeezing each other because we were so over the moon with our little secret. The way I told my husband I was pregnant wasn't elaborate or flashy, but it's still special to me."  —Dana B.

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He’s promoting a movie, people! Channing Tatum has been making the press rounds in preparation for the premiere of Magic Mike XXL on July 1. So naturally, that means he's been talking a lot about his penis. Like...a lot. Here are five things the actor's recently revealed about his little guy.1. It's Named GilbertDuring Channing's Reddit AMA last week, a curious fan asked him whether his penis has a nickname, to which he responded simply, "Gilbert." As another clever fan helpfully pointed out, that technically makes his balls "Gilbert Grapes."RELATED: What 7 Celebrities Nicknamed Their Penises2. He Poured Boiling Water on It OnceIn an interview with Howard Stern, Channing told the story of the time he was filming The Eagle in freezing Scotland and poured scalding hot water down his pants to keep warm. Long story short, he was left with a "shriveled, burnt penis." Don't worry, though—Gilbert is "resilient." Channing said that the accident didn't leave a scar and actually healed pretty quickly. Thank goodness.3. You Won't Be Seeing It on the Big ScreenAlso in his AMA, Channing revealed that he does "not do full-frontal" in Magic Mike XXL. But don't cancel that trip to the movie theater just yet: "I can promise you when you're standing in front of a bunch of people in a very small thong, it doesn't leave a lot to the imagination," he wrote. 4. He Used It to Play a Prank on Rachel McAdams...After they starred in The Vow together, Rachel told Metro just how genuine her reaction to Channing's nude scene was: "I didn't have to pretend because Channing got the props department to make a prosthetic, um, member. ... It was ridiculous, the scale of it. I thought, 'Is that the real deal?' It was very realistic."In Channing's defense, he said he just wanted to make sure it was a believable nude scene. He told Entertainment Tonight, "I didn't have a lot of faith in her reaction because it was cold that day, and I didn't want her to be laughing and pointing. I wanted her to be shocked." Obviously, the "stunt pee pee" did its job.RELATED: You Have to See Channing Tatum Give This Fan a Surprise Lap Dance5. ...and Amanda SeyfriedMaybe we should actually call him Mischievous Mike? Channing's Dear John costar recently told E! News about how she, too, was the unsuspecting subject of one of his signature pranks, which she says are "not like mean-spirited or like, scary," just "gross." She doesn't go into too much detail about what exactly Channing did, but she says that "he was just, like, standing really close to me, and he was wearing bathing suit bottoms. … I looked down, and I was just like, [gasps]!" Watch her imitation of his gleeful reaction:

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Books about meditation seem to be increasingly directed toward a broad audience, as meditation and mindfulness have become an everyday goal for many people. We are learning, through research, that we don’t have to be experts to incorporate some meditation techniques in our lives — that we can use mindfulness to reduce stress. And that is a wonderful thing.

Meditation Made Easy is one of these books. Author Preston Bentley provides a little history, describes meditation, and gets us started. Bentley includes 62 meditation exercises as well as a section that works like a cookbook for better health — a cookbook that includes not just recipes, but notes on how to enjoy the process. He addresses mundane activities that can suddenly have a calming effect once we approach them more mindfully.

A book like this has value to both new and experienced meditators. Those who have read other books and practiced meditation will find it interesting to read through the exercises. Some of these will be familiar, but others may be new. As for newcomers, certain of the breathing exercises may be especially helpful.

And for those readers new to meditation, the book also clears up misconceptions about the practice. Bentley is clear in his descriptions: Nothing is mystical.

The line between meditation and mindfulness is a fuzzy one, however, and opinions and definitions vary. In simple terms, one could say that meditation is setting aside time to focus on something good for yourself — like exercise or prayer or breathing — whereas mindfulness is being more aware, much more aware, of everything going on around you and in you. The two combine in mindfulness meditation, in which one meditates and also focuses that meditation on the thoughts, feelings, and sensations of the moment.

In his book, Bentley emphasizes the potential meditative moments within the mundane — urging us, for instance, to change the way we consider taking a shower. He encourages us to notice and appreciate all of the sensations we feel while taking one; we can note the feeling of stepping into it, for example, then the feeling of the water and soap. We can try to ignore distracting thoughts and just be “in the moment.”

Similarly, Bentley asks us to, as he puts it, create a calm kitchen. Here, we are to play soft and relaxing music and recall pleasant kitchen memories from childhood or other times. (In fact, we may have experienced some of these “meditations” in the past without realizing it even qualified as meditation!)

Bentley is gentle to his readers. He does not push us, but wants us to see how there is value in whatever degree of meditation or mindfulness we can muster. His book takes away the mystery and threat of trying something new, so that readers can ease themselves into a practice, even if it has previously seemed too hard.

Meditation Made Easy: More Than 50 Exercises for Peace, Relaxation, and Mindfulness
Adams Media, January 2015
Hardcover, 160 pages
$14.99

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Nutrition labels list daily values based on a 2,000-calorie diet. But where did the 2,000-calorie diet come from? Find out.

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Sleep deprivation can have many side effects, but is death one of them? Find out if you can die if you never sleep at HowStuffWorks.

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Are there dangers lurking in your lip color? Find out if lead in lipstick can cause cancer at HowStuffWorks.

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Vagina teeth are the stuff of legends — but is it possible for a woman to have teeth in her vagina? The answer might surprise you.

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When it comes to sweeteners, how does honey vs. sugar stack up? Find out if honey is healthier than sugar at HowStuffWorks.

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Are you a late-night eater? Find out if you'll gain weight if you eat after 8 p.m.

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You might have heard that peeing on a jellyfish sting is a good thing to do. But is that accurate? Find out if you should pee on a jellyfish sting.

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You may not get as much sleep as you need, but how much is enough? Find out how many hours of sleep you really need at HowStuffWorks.

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As part of our exclusive survey on engagements and weddings in the 21^st century, we asked participants about the type of location and venue they’d like to be married (i.e., their ideal) and where they were (actually) married. The results from this portion of the survey are indicated in the infographic, below. As you can see, people were often married in their ideal locations. The most popular location was in their own or their partner’s hometown. However, a good number of people (36%) wished for a destination wedding, but instead married elsewhere. What we don’t know is what kept people from getting married in their ideal location. Lack of money? Inconvenience? Guests or the couple members being unable to travel? All of the above? Stay tuned…

In terms of wedding venue, how many people said they were “goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married?” Just over 25% (a total of 106 respondents). But, holding the wedding at a church, synagogue, or similar was not the most popular wedding venue -- it actually came in second. The most popular venue for our respondents was at an outdoor location (146 people, or  37%). The least popular venue? The courthouse -- with only 19 people (5%) of our sample getting married with the good ol’ justice of the peace or similar. This comes as no surprise; people are often reluctant to hold their wedding at the courthouse, preferring instead to have a more elaborate ceremony,¹ a trend that has grown considerably over the last 50 years.² Next up, we'll look at how and where the marriage proposal occurred.

See more about this study here.

¹Gibson-Davis, C. M., Edin, K., & McLanahan, S. (2005). High hopes but even higher expectations: The retreat from marriage among low-income couples. Journal of Marriage and Family, 67, 1301-1312.

²Wallace, C. (2004). All Dressed in White: The Irresistible Rise of the American Wedding. Penguin Books.

Lisa Hoplock, M.Sc. - Science of Relationships articles | Website/CV
Lisa's research examines how personality traits like self-esteem and attachment influence interpersonal processes in ambiguous social situations -- situations affording both rewards and costs -- such as social support contexts, relationship initiation, and marriage proposals. 

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Image from Demetri Martin, you find more of his material here.

For more of our articles about love, see here.

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No offense to the Swedish Association for Sexuality, but we're not a fan of its suggestion. Slides Slide:    Shebopping Low-Fiving Tiggling Jilling Off Lone Rangering Imaginactioning Singing Soprano Funtasizing DI-YES! Pleasure Cruising Bliss-torising Brainstorming Treating Yourself Poking Fun Elabiaorating Procrasturbating Getting Rub Burn Stuffing Your Envelope Pussitioning Minding the Gap Vibratizing Checking Your Pulse Pushing Your Button Vajubilation Wet ‘N’ Wilding Slip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah Giving Yourself A Hand Guided Meditation Self-Serving Fingerlifting Micromassaging Ecstasizing Launching Watching the 'Magic Mike XXL' trailer SEO 34 Words for Female Masturbation That Are Better Than Klittra 34 Words for Female Masturbation That Are Better Than 'Klittra' Slideshow Details Next Slideshow:  19 Slang Terms for Erections, Ranked in Order of Genius Nav Break:  15 Channel Feed Details Slider Image:  0-main-slider.jpg Display Off Slider Hed:  No

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It's not all champagne and great sex. My husband, Chris, and I were pretty poor when we got married. We weren’t subsisting solely on ramen noodles and sitting on cardboard furniture, but we definitely didn’t have any extra cash to splurge on a splashy honeymoon.Luckily, my parents stepped in and kindly offered us the use of their new, untested timeshare in Florida. It was a sweet gesture, and we really appreciated it. But the place was basically...how do I say this nicely?...a resort for old people.Chris and I would hit the pool in the morning and would have to wait until the sunrise aqua aerobics class wrapped up, featuring the smooth moves of seasoned ladies who moved at a glacial pace. We regularly rubbed elbows with couples in walkers and wheelchairs, and nightlife in the area shut down by 8 p.m., leaving our entertainment options limited.There was also a massive seaweed invasion in the ocean, making it impossible to jump in the water without resurfacing as a sea monster.RELATED: We DARE You to Try and Guess the Most Popular Honeymoon SpotBut despite the unusual environment, we had a great time and still managed to do plenty of the usual honeymoon-type stuff.I recently chatted with some friends about their honeymoon experiences and realized I have zero to complain about. While some had the blissful honeymoon experiences you dream of, others definitely didn’t:“I got sun poisoning on the first day of our two-week Maui honeymoon. It was on my scalp because my hair was parted. A couple of days later, my entire forehead was so swollen because gravity had brought the swelling and fluid down. It even looked like my eyes were crossed because the bridge of my nose was so swollen. We ended up having to go to urgent care and missed the best sunset of our entire trip. My husband will never let me forget it!” —JennaRELATED: 9 Things People Wish They Knew Before Going on Their Honeymoon“We had a honeymoon surprise when we checked into our hotel room in Cancun. When my husband, Ryan, and I got settled in the room and hopped in the fluffy white bed, our make-out session was interrupted by an unwelcome sight: evidence of someone else’s hot sex in the form of a butt print on the glass partition dividing the bedroom from the bathroom. I am no forensics expert, but the two round greasy spots and the handprints higher up told the tale. Also on this trip, Ryan's slippers got doused with insecticide when the hotel sprayed our room for ants, we got so sunburned we spent one whole day in bed with aloe and 30 Rock DVDs, and some dude sent over Champagne to us at dinner when we told him it was our honeymoon, and then followed up that kind gesture by handing us some 'great pills' that would give us the 'best sex of our lives' on his way out the door. We did not consume these pills from this shady stranger. Ryan tossed them in some hedges after we left the restaurant because our route back to the hotel passed by the police station.” —Martha“We took a cruise for our honeymoon, and my husband was seasick most of the time. When he wasn’t throwing up, he was laid up in bed. On one night, when they were having a fancy dinner on the ship that was like a prom, he rallied and got dressed up…and ended up having to leave to go puke. I stayed at the dinner alone.” —LizRELATED: Do These 9 Things And You'll Never Need Couples' Therapy“My husband and I went to the Dominican Republic for our honeymoon, and it’s one of those places where you’re not supposed to drink the water. We didn’t find out until later that it meant we shouldn’t brush our teeth with the water, either, so we spent the majority of our honeymoon running to the bathroom. It wasn’t exactly romantic.” —Katie“We made the incredibly stupid move to schedule our flight for our honeymoon early the day after our wedding. We saved a few hundred dollars that way. Of course we missed our flight. I ended up in tears in the airport, which wasn’t exactly how I imagined the whole thing would start off. Luckily, we made it the next day, but day one of our honeymoon completely sucked.” —Sarah...And that is why I’m now convinced that I had the best honeymoon ever.--Korin Miller is a writer, SEO nerd, wife, and mom to a little 2-year-old dude named Miles. Korin has worked for The Washington Post, New York Daily News, and Cosmopolitan, where she learned more than anyone ever should about sex. She has an unhealthy addiction to gifs.

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When it's smart to stay put Relocating is something either you or your partner has to do at some point if you want to take a long-distance relationship to the next level; but how do you know if it's a good idea? Here are a few red flags that indicate you should probably stay put. If the guy you're dating didn't for a moment consider relocating himself to accommodate your life—or decided to move on his own without asking you and making you part of the discussion, it's not a good sign, says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., author of Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship and a professor of sociology at Oakland University.His decisions affect you and the relationship, and failing to consult you about any major life moves shows that he's not taking your needs, wants, and preferences into account like he should be if you're going to make big changes to your life for him. "You want somebody who consults you and is interdependent with you," she says.When the communication and the giving is a one-way street, it makes the relationship unbalanced, whereas those that involve equal parts of give and take on both sides are more egalitarian, says Ben Michaelis, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author of Your Next Big Thing: 10 Small Steps to Get Moving and Get Happy. "These relationships tend to be stronger and stand the test of time."RELATED: The Key Thing People in Happy Relationships Do Differently If a guy doesn't bring you into his tight-knit world of family and friends, then he isn't integrating you into his life—and that points to a lack of commitment on his end and means he may not be actively planning for a future with you, says Michaelis."Partners who are more committed, happy, and stable are willing to talk and discuss what's ahead," says Orbuch. Other signs he sees things as serious could range from planning a trip together to looking into buying a condo or house as a couple. If he changes the topic or just dismisses these types of conversations when you bring them up, you shouldn't follow him anywhere.RELATED: 9 Signs He'll Be an Amazing Dad "One of the big predictors of stability and longevity in a relationship is being able to resolve conflict well," says Orbuch. But if you or your guy goes silent or shuts down during tough times, it's a bad sign, and you probably aren't ready for the stress of moving to a new place to accommodate his life. So if either one of you currently becomes quiet during conflict, it's best to table any talk about moving and focus on finding ways to vocalize your thoughts and feelings during disagreements first. You don't have to be his one and only priority, but your significant other needs to think of you and your interests when it comes to issues both big and small. If he picks restaurants without thinking about what kinds of food you like or makes plans with another couple without consulting you—even though he knows you dislike them—he isn't giving you the consideration you deserve, says Orbuch. This applies to moving, as well. If your lease isn't up or you aren't prepared to leave your job just yet, he should help brainstorm ways to make the timing work.RELATED: 10 Signs Your Relationship Is Rock-Solid and Going to Last While this may seem like a good thing, if your bond hasn't endured challenges, then you may not be ready for a serious step like moving to be with him, says Michaelis. Some relationships have only existed in a bubble and aren't exposed to certain pressures that determine whether it can survive a difficult situation, like a health problem or one of you losing your job. Couples who have already weathered a long-distance relationship because of a job, school, or military commitment often hold up well over time. And if you've seen your significant other through the loss of a loved one or something else serious, that's usually a sign that your bond will be able to stand the test of time. For many couples, having the same key life values is what solidifies the relationship over the long term, says Orbuch. If you and your partner don't see eye-to-eye on these things, it's probably not a good idea to relocate. One big issue you shouldn't ignore is how you allocate finances. If you pay all your bills on time and he prioritizes spending on fun stuff, it's a red flag that you need to have a serious money discussion. Ask him how he budgets his paycheck and what kind of saving or investing he does. If may seem unsexy, but it's an important conversation to have; if his answers don't align with your values, you may not want to make the move.     There is one situation in which you can feel good about moving even if one or more of the warning signs above describe your relationship: If you'd be genuinely excited to live in a new place even if he's not in the picture and you're feeling particularly adventurous, you can still consider it as an option, says Jane Greer, Ph.D., a New York-based relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. Just make sure you'd be okay living in your potential new hometown on your own since it may come to that.

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Sure, coffee alone can help energize you, but it's not the best option. Learn why coffee and a nap is better than either by itself at HowStuffWorks.

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Although it rains fresh water, the oceans are full of salt water. Find out why seawater is salty at HowStuffWorks.

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Research has proven lullabies can lower stress levels in babies. Learn why lullabies work at HowStuffWorks.

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Gluten-free diets have become the diet trend du jour in the U.S. Find out why there is a gluten-free backlash at HowStuffWorks.

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It's likely that humans will evolve to need more sleep. Find out if we will learn to live without sleep at HowStuffWorks.

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We recommend checking out our online eating disorder resources. If you’re grappling with an eating disorder yourself, you might also consider our thriving online support group for people with eating disorders, where you’ll find a lot of helpful, supportive folks just like you.

Center for Mental Health Services
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
Rm 12-105 Parklawn Building
Rockville, MD 20857
Phone: 301-443-8956
Fax: 301-443-9050
http://www.samhsa.gov/

Academy for Eating Disorders (AED)
6728 Old McLean Village Drive
McLean, VA 22101
Phone: (703) 556-9222
Fax: (703) 556-8729
Email: aed@degnon.org
http://www.aedweb.org

Harvard Eating Disorders Center
WACC 725
15 Parkman Street
Boston, MA 02114
Phone: 617-236-7766
Email: info@hedc.org
http://www.hedc.org

International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals (IAEDP)
P.O. Box 1295
Pekin, IL 61555-1295
Phone: (309) 346-3341
Fax: (775) 239-1597/(309) 346-2874
TollFree: (800) 800-8126
Email: iaedpmembers@earthlink.net

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD)
PO Box 7
Highland Park, IL 60035
Phone: 847-831-3438
Fax: 847-433-4632
Email: anad20@aol.com
http://www.anad.org

National Eating Disorders Association
603 Stewart Street, Suite 803
Seattle, WA 98101
Phone: 206-382-3587
Email: info@NationalEatingDisorders.org
http://ift.tt/rNNsC8

National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA)
603 Stewart Street
Suite 803
Seattle, WA 98101
Phone: (206) 382-3587
Email: info@NationalEatingDisorders.org
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An unzipped fly is near the top of the list of public humiliations. Learn how to tell someone their fly is down at HowStuffWorks.

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Being sexist won't win you very many social points. Get tips on how to tell someone they sound sexist at HowStuffWorks.

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Nonstop talking can be a killjoy on a date or at work. Learn how to tell someone they talk too much at HowStuffWorks.

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What do you do when that prejudice reveals itself? See tips on how to tell someone they sound prejudiced at HowStuffWorks.

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Not speaking up when witnessing racism sends a message that racism is OK. Learn how to tell someone they sound racist.

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Smart rings can give you a subtle nudge when you receive an important message. Learn how smart rings work.

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Smart rings can give you a subtle nudge when you receive an important message. Learn how smart rings work.

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True love isn’t just for fairytales and Lifetime movies. Slides Slide:    Anna Faris and Chris Pratt Jill and Scott M. Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Junior Chrisanne G. and Bill P. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Chelsea B. and Zakary M. Jenna Dewan-Tatum and Channing Tatum Andrea M. and RJ W. SEO Legitimate Soul Mates 7 Couples Who Are Most Definitely Soul Mates Slideshow Details Next Slideshow:  The #1 Pieces of Advice Sex Therapists Give Their Clients Channel Feed Details Slider Image:  soulmate-slider.jpg Display Off Slider Hed:  No

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In 1962, Neil Sedaka released the song “Breaking Up is Hard to Do,” which went to number one on the Billboard charts, was translated into many languages, and eventually was covered by dozens of artists over the years.

The title of that song is a phrase that has been uttered by countless people over the decades. Love and romance are amazing, but when the time comes to break up, it can be awkward and painful to say the least. Thankfully, there are ways to maintain dignity for both of you. Here’s how:

1. Become clear in your mind about the reasons. Understanding precisely why you’re breaking up will avoid vacillation or vague explanations at the moment of truth.

2. Don’t fade away. Wanting to avoid conflict and awkwardness, some singles simply back off slowly and silently. But slinking away without a conversation doesn’t honor the other person or yourself.

3. Decide ahead of time if you’re open to staying together. At the moment of the breakup, the other person might try to convince you otherwise, giving all the reasons why you’re great together. If you’ve decided for sure it’s time to move on, don’t allow yourself to be persuaded against your better judgment.

4. Believe that telling the truth is always best. Perpetuating the falsehood that you might have a future together is unfair to both of you. There is no better time than right now to tell someone the truth.

5. Don’t drag it out. If you’ve decided it’s time to move on, don’t delay the inevitable.

6. Determine the best setting to break the news. Doing so in private, away from prying eyes, is usually preferred. But if you fear there will be an ugly scene, a public place could be best.

7. Break the news in person. Sorry, but in today’s world of electronic communication, it must be said: breaking up with someone via text, email, or voice message is undignified. Summon your courage, and deliver the news face to face. (Obviously, if you have a long-distance relationship, a phone conversation may have to do.)

8. Don’t send mixed signals. No need to make the other person wonder exactly what’s happening. Say what you have to say clearly and concisely. Avoid talking around the issue.

9. Keep it short and to the point. Sometimes lengthy explanations make things more complicated than they need to be—and allow for words to come out that you might regret later.

10. Be affirming. The other person has qualities that drew you to him/her in the first place. A few sincere compliments can ease the pain.

11. Remember that this isn’t a group decision. The choice is yours to make, and you don’t need the other person to agree or share your point of view.

12. Avoid dredging up old issues. Now’s not the time to discuss old frustrations and fights; now is the time to leave the past behind.

13. Practice your delivery. This is one of the significant moments in life that deserves preparation and rehearsal. Doing so will help keep you from chickening out or saying things you didn’t intend to.

14. Expect some awkwardness. If you have bad news to break, it cannot be delivered without some hurt. But it’s almost certain to evoke more pain if you wait until later to tell it.

15. Keep your private life private. In the era of social media, it’s easy to overshare. It might be appropriate to let others know that your relationship has ended, but it’s not appropriate to tell the world too many details—especially things that would embarrass your ex.

 

The post 15 Ways to Exit a Relationship with Dignity appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

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Learning about life is one thing, but it’s how you actually live your life that matters. Philosophers throughout history have offered guidance and theories about the importance of living a joyful and meaningful life. And after recently hearing yet another commencement speaker extol the philosophical virtues of living “a good life” without providing any actual lessons for students to put into action, we were inspired to write this list of 10 lessons about life and love that you can actually start living right now.

Here they are:

1. First thing each morning, remind yourself of the dreams you hold dear.
Having dreams is vitally important. They remind you of what you value and motivate you to strive and grow each day. A day without a dream is, for most people, a bad day. Charley’s life experience of growing up in poverty in a small, rural farming community of central Missouri (without, as his Mother used to say, “A pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of,”) reminds us of the power of a dream! Frankly, we cannot imagine where our lives would be if back then we didn’t nurture big dreams of achieving far beyond what others thought possible for kids growing up in small towns and in big cities.

2. Seek happiness in your life.
Make your happiness, and the happiness of the ones you love, a major life goal. As love and marriage experts, we have interviewed thousands of successfully married couples (in all 50 USA states, 49 countries, 9 of 10 Canadian provinces, and on all seven continents of the world over these past 32+ years) and in every instance, each marvelous couple wants the same thing— to secure happiness. Happiness is not a frivolous pursuit. Never forget that! It is the primary goal of nearly every rational person.

3. Success in life and love has little to do with luck.
Sorry, but after three decades of doing love and marriage work together, evidence suggests there is no such thing as luck! Is education and deliberate effort luck? Is the development of good moral character luck? Is working three jobs to provide for your family luck? Is marrying the right person luck? Our answer to these questions is a resounding NO! To suggest that life is all about luck is to minimize the relentless hard work people invest each day to secure a better future. Put your faith in human beings who work hard to achieve the success they desire. Success has little to do with luck.

4. Your partner defines who you are as a person.
Making decisions about whom to love, marry, and spend your life with speaks volumes about you as a person. Do not make these decisions lightly. People are defined by what they love. So, love well. Love the right person. Analyze very carefully your decision before you make it, but understand this — loving and marrying the right person might very well be the most important decision you will make in your life. Proceed with great care.

5. Good health is essential to a happy life.
Let’s be clear, to have a happy life and healthy relationships you must do what’s required to sustain a healthy mind and body. As we have written frequently over the years, one of the 7 Secrets of a Successful Marriage is this: “long-time successfully married couples care about each other’s health and do their best to promote good health in each other. They know that the way you emote, your anxiety, your productivity, and your ability to engage in a loving relationship, are all affected by what you put into your mouth (or do not!) and how you maintain the health of your body — both mentally and physically. Successfully married couples long ago recognized that you must manage your mind and mood through food, exercise, and healthy living.”

6. Engage in an acts of kindness daily.
Be nice to those you meet. Give a compliment or two. Overtip the waitress or waiter. Wave a person at the supermarket through the crosswalk in front of you. Let someone with a smaller cart of groceries go ahead of you in line. Return ugliness from someone with a smile and a “Have a nice day!” The simple truth is this — people are measured by how they react to adversity and to those who are unkind. It is easy to engage in “road rage.” It is far harder to control yourself when offended, chastised, belittled, and treated unfairly. As the British might say, “Stiffen that upper lip!” Or as our mothers used to say, “It’s okay to turn the other cheek.” Life is full of confrontations between nice people and angry or unkind people. Make it your goal to be a good person — a decent person — a nice person. Your life and the lives of those you love will be happier because of it.

7. Embrace diverse points of view.
Be willing to listen to and consider points of view different from your own. Let’s face it, it’s easy to get angry when someone disagrees with us. We like to be right. In modern America, it is increasingly difficult to have civil conversations. Too many people live by the mantra “my way or the highway” but the willingness to compromise is a crucial life and relationship skill. As Charley’s mother used to say, “Life is too short!” meaning— if you spend your life arguing about every little thing and if you spend your life outright rejecting the perspective of others, you will be a miserable human being. Try your best to talk less and listen more. It is impossible to hear the messages of others if you do all the talking.

8. Don’t be a bully.
Intimidating others (especially those with less power than you) is nothing to be proud of. Never allow yourself to be guilty of shouting down another human being. Life and love are a lot more fun when you treat others with respect. If you don’t respect the opinions of the ones you purport to love, if you shut down the opinions of others, if you try to bully others into submission, you will ultimately lose in the game of life. Nobody likes a bully!

9. Live your life as an inspiration to others.
Be a positive role model, be a teacher. Great teachers inspire, they offer insights, they make us laugh and cry, they change our lives in meaningful and measurable ways, and they make us better people. At the start of each day, recommit yourself to being a person who seeks to inspire others, who offers helpful insights into life, and share the knowledge you possess with others. Teachers care. Let yourself care, too! Share your love, share your knowledge, share things that matter in life.

10. Life is a journey, be engaged.
Charley’s mother used to say, “If you woke up this morning, you know it’s the start of a good day!” In many ways, life is like a baseball game. There is no clock. One inning of life leads into another. Sometimes you win the game, sometimes you lose, and sometimes you go into “extra innings.” No matter the outcome, you play the game for better or worse. In life and love what matters most is that you suit up, show up, and play the game of your life. Get involved. Go all in. Choose to be fully engaged in each moment of living and loving. There is nothing else like it.

 

More from YourTango:

38 Secrets To A Happy Relationship

7 Amazing (And Scientific!) Ways Love Transforms Your Brain

50 Most Inspiring Romantic Quotes

 

Article originally posted via YourTango

The post 10 Lessons About Life and Love appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

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And how to minimize the potential for conflict in each one There are just certain situations and locations that seem to trigger fights between lovebirds. But it is possible to avoid issues even in the most conflict-prone places. Here's how.Staying up late packing. Boarding an airplane with minimal sleep and even less leg room. Deciding on each day's itinerary. Any one of these scenarios can lead an otherwise mellow couple to a blowout.When you're traveling, your normal routine is thrown off and you have little control over your surroundings. So when something goes slightly sideways, you're likely to blame someone—and your partner is the closest target, says relationship consultant Rhoberta Shaler, Ph.D., creator of coupleology.com.But playing the blame game means nobody wins. Instead, Shaler suggests focusing on how to take care of the relationship in the current situation. So if your plane is delayed and you're irritated that you didn't pack a snack, tell your partner, "I'm hungry and don't do well when I'm stressed and starving." Then suggest getting something to eat as a couple. This put the spotlight on finding a solution in the moment. RELATED: The Number One Thing Couples Fight AboutWhen you're sitting around a table with other happy couples and your partner says something snarky, you can't exactly call him out in front of everyone else—but you can pull him aside at your first opportunity and chew him out. Shaler says many people make a sarcastic remark or one-liner in these types of situations because they're either trying to be funny or they're bringing up something they know will upset their partner and think being in public will protect him from potential backlash.The next time your beloved says something that rubs you the wrong way, resist the urge to continue the snark, take some deep breaths, and focus on yourself. Ask yourself what you're thinking: Are you feeling hurt? Surprised? Vindictive? Remember the specifics, and then share the details with your S.O. when you get home. Repeat what he said, how it made you feel, and why it's important to you that he understand how it affected you.RELATED: 12 Fights EVERY Couple HasBig social events can bring out the competitive side in some couples, making them prime spots for a fight. Seeing other twosomes in love can lead to drawing comparisons, like: Why aren't we as affectionate as Jeff and Sarah?"When your partner doesn't live up to your expectations in a social setting, you can become upset," says Shaler. The solution? Take a few deep breaths, and ask yourself what you want to happen in the next five minutes. That will usually give you the clarity to realize that you don't actually want to create an argument at someone else's celebration. Focus on the event instead, and try to enjoy the happiness surrounding you. You can address whatever issues you're having as a couple the next day.RELATED: Do These 9 Things And You'll Never Need Couples' TherapyBeing stuck in traffic is another one of those situations when you almost can't help but take your frustrations out on the nearest person—your significant other more likely than not. Shaler suggests talking about the crappy circumstances out loud , talking about how they make you feel, and then asking your partner a question about them. Something as simple as: "This traffic is horrible. It's making me anxious. Is it stressing you out?" puts the focus on what you have in common in the moment.Humor can also help. Try to laugh about how annoyed you are or listen to a funny Podcast. If you're not in a rush, you can even throw up your hands, pull over, and grab a cup of coffee together to defuse the tension, says Shaler says.For some couples, simply being around each other's families is a recipe for a fight. Whether it's an overly critical mother-in-law or a brutally honest brother, a third opinion inserted into your relationship is usually not a welcome intrusion and can spark a dispute.If you can escape to a separate part of the house or go for a walk just the two of you, it's a good idea to go clear the air. Shaler suggests using the following technique: Give whichever partner is feeling under fire the floor for a few minutes to share information about him or herself. The idea is for that person to only talk about themself and what they're thinking and feeling without insinuating anything about the other person or their family. If you're on the listening end of this, respond by saying, "Tell me more. How long have you felt that way?" Asking questions is the best way to make your partner feel heard and to get the information you need to understand what he's thinking and feeling. If you're feeling like your partner should have defended you more and you're the one expressing your frustrations, try saying something like, "We're supposed to have each other's backs, no matter what. How can we make this relationship a safe haven for both of us?" The conversation sets things up to be about finding a productive solution—not about blame. Regardless of who's feeling attacked, resolve to have a conversation later about how to solve the larger issue.

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You’ll get rom-com status feels One of the best things about being in a relationship is the fact that your partner is pretty much obligated to love you, even when your emotions are basically the equivalent of Carrie's cry face on Homeland.The only thing that surpasses a guy's unconditional love is when he actually gets creative in a mission to cheer you up. Here, real women share the adorable things their guys have done to turn that frown upside down."My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship. If we're FaceTiming and I'm cranky, he'll put on a song I like in the background and then, like, wiggle around. It's adorable, and he always puts the music on really sneakily, like reaches for the remote off-screen so I don't know he's doing it. Then, he looks really proud of himself when it comes on." —Alana R."I was having a tough week at work, and my boyfriend had flowers sent to me at the office. It wasn't just the beautiful flowers, but also the sweet and encouraging note that made his gesture so thoughtful. The note basically said, 'I know you’ve had a tough week, but just know that you doing an awesome job. You are truly a special person and the most amazing woman I have ever met. Meeting you over five years ago was the best thing to ever happen to me.' I replanted the succulent in the middle after the bouquet started to die, and I still have it!" —Elizabeth M.Elizabeth M.RELATED: 11 Reasons Men Love Being in a Relationship"My boyfriend and I are long-distance, and whenever I'm having a crappy day, he always texts me really cute animal pictures. Anything funny or with koalas or other adorable animals always makes me smile." —Sarah K."My boyfriend and I started out long-distance—and after a while, as you would expect, I started to get really bummed out when he'd leave New York to fly back to San Francisco. One day, a handwritten letter showed up in the mail. On the front, there was a picture of chips and salsa, with 'you' and 'me' pointing to each. I don't even remember what it said, but the thought made my day. The best part is he kept sending them, and it became a defining part of our relationship—we'd bring letters when we'd see each other, tuck them in suitcases before departures, and throw 'em in for holidays, of course. When we moved in together, I put all of our letters together in one pile, and it was the coolest thing getting to see them all in one place and reading them, each one getting a little sappier! It tells our story in the coolest way, and now that we're together, going through them can cheer up any bad day." —Devin T.Devin T.RELATED: The #1 Way to Build a Better Relationship"One time, when I was having a crappy day, my boyfriend showed up to my job as a surprise and took me to lunch. It was particularly nice of him since I had been a b*tch that morning because I was stressed. We didn't do anything fancy—it was a burger place that is in the same building as my work, but that's what made it special. He knew work was what was stressing me out, so he made sure I wouldn't have to go far so I could be there in case anything happened." —Jules C."I'm a busy jewelry designer and entrepreneur. Sometimes, it's tough to do all the things I need to take care of and have time for fun things, like decorating for Halloween. My husband, Ragu, is amazing. He is a cardiologist with a very busy practice, but he always helps out. The week of Halloween last year was a particularly busy and challenging one for me, and I was beating myself up for not decorating the house due to lack of time. My husband stepped up and not only carved the pumpkins but did them in such a creative way! I felt better because though I did not have time to seek out the fun I wanted, he brought the fun to me. It helped me relax and let go." —Priyanka M.Priyanka M."I was going through a really hard time at work and just feeling sad all around. My boyfriend came home one day, and after the delicious meal he made didn't cheer me up, he said the one thing he knew would excite me: 'Do you want to go get me a new pair of shoes?' I absolutely love shopping for him, but he's usually not so enthusiastic. The fact that he was willing to go out with me that second and spend a bunch of money on something he didn't care about just to cheer me up really made my day." —Veronica T."My birthday was last week, and I turned 25—a milestone birthday for me! It was the first time I wasn’t able to spend it with my family and mom because she just had surgery. My boyfriend, Daniel, knew I was feeling down about it, so he planned a surprise picnic on the beach in Malibu! I’m so lucky to have such a thoughtful guy in my life!" —Amanda P.Amanda P."When I have a crappy day, all I want to do is get home from work and veg out. My boyfriend knows all the things I really like: not cooking dinner, sour candy for dessert, funny/cheesy movies, candles, non-reciprocated back rubs, and a clean room to come home to. My natural tendency when I get home is to start organizing my stuff/packing my gym bag for the next day, answering e-mails, and cleaning up around the apartment. But if he knows I’ve had a rough day, he’ll force me to just drop my stuff, eat the dinner he made, and there will be a movie up and ready to go on Netflix. The bed will be nicely made with a giant bag of Sour Patch Kids on top, all our candles will be lit so the room smells amazing, and he’ll give me a long massage. It’s the best stress reliever!" —Kristin C.RELATED: 17 Things EVERY Woman Deserves in a Relationship"My car died while I was running errands. My boyfriend came over a couple hours later with his brother, who fixes cars, and my favorite summer beer. He went to the grocery store up the road after they left, and then he came back with a bag of peaches, my absolute favorite. He was very thoughtful and is always so considerate of my moods when I've had a rough day that's out of my control. Best guy ever." —Kelly L. A photo posted by @kellew on Jun 22, 2015 at 4:59pm PDT"My partner and I were going through a really rough patch, and things were a bit stressful at work. I came home one day, and he'd bought me a coffee table book of puppy portraits. He let me know it was a gift for me that he hoped would make me smile when he wasn't able to. And since I'm a photographer, he also hoped it would maybe inspire my work. It was such a sweet and selfless thing to do. I really do look at the book when I'm sad, not just for the puppies, but as a reminder of how loving and kind he is." —Lynae C.“First off, I am a Hello Kitty fanatic. A sweet gesture that my partner did for me was during the Easter holiday last Spring, he surprised me with a goody basket full of chic treats, including Hello Kitty Easter eggs filled with candy, shimmery lip gloss, flower-scented perfume, and my favorite body butter from Bliss. It was during midterm week and I was feeling stressed, so it was the perfect pick-me-up gift!” —Julia R.Julia R.RELATED: 17 Guys Share the Most Romantic Thing a Woman Has Ever Done for Them"When I'm feeling stressed or blue, I always reach out to my boyfriend because I know he'll make me smile. He has a habit of responding to my stressed-out texts with hilarious GIFs—and he even has a jokes site bookmarked so he can send me something funny in a pinch!" —Jillian K.

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From the moment two people decide to get married through their wedding day, partners face a host of unique experiences during their engagement period, including more in-depth interactions with in-laws, making important joint financial decisions, and preparing for a publically declared, lifelong commitment.  Yet, despite the significance of the events leading up to the big day, only a few empirical studies have focused on the unique experiences that comprise the engagement period.^1,2,3 And though private companies like The Knot have surveyed their subscribers about their engagements and weddings,⁴ these studies represent a select group of respondents. In an effort to more broadly address the question of “What’s it like to be engaged in the 21^st century?”, ScienceOfRelationship.com, in collaboration with researchers from the Loving Lab at The University of Texas at Austin recently recruited nearly 400 newly-engaged or newly-wed individuals from around the United States. The research team asked individuals a range of questions, some of which are reviewed below (with a sneak peak at a few results as well!). Over the coming days, we will be posting the latest findings on being engaged in the 21^st century.

¹Burgess, E. W., & Wallin, P. (1944). Predicting adjustment in marriage from adjustment in engagement. American Journal Of Sociology, 49, 324-330. doi:10.1086/219426 

²Knobloch-Fedders, L. M., & Knudson, R. M. (2009). Marital ideals of the newly-married: A longitudinal analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26(2-3), 249-271. doi:10.1177/0265407509106717

³Wright, J. (1990). Getting engaged: A case study and a model of the engagement period as a process of conflict-resolution. Counselling Psychology Quarterly, 3(4), 399-408. doi:10.1080/09515079008256710

⁴Bennett, C., & Perciballi, J. (2015, March 12). The Knot, The #1 Wedding Site, Releases 2014 Real Weddings Study Statistics. Retrieved June 23, 2015. 

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I really enjoy my job. I get to wallow in the fascinating world of research science and then pass on my passions to eager young minds. And I pull out all the stops—liquid nitrogen gets sloshed around in abundance, hydrogen balloons are ignited like mini Hindenburgs, and ethanol-fueled rockets zip around the playgrounds. Chemistry is […]

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My guide dog, Matt, shuffles at my feet. We’re on a crowded train, and I’m trying to build a mental picture of the other riders. I smell a strong, sweet perfume. My fellow passengers probably haven’t noticed it—they’ll be busy chatting on their cell phones or reading the paper. But to me, it’s a clue. […]

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Photo Contest Winners: 10 Stunning Places in Our Country That Will Make You Proud to Be an American Here are the winning photos from our Extraordinary America reader contest, plus six never-before-seen finalists. Your Winning Poems! We received over 4,800 entries for the 2015 Reader’s Digest Poetry Contest. Visit rd.com/poetry to see our winners and […]

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See how these six imbecile outlaws just couldn't get the job done.

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This is one turf war you don’t want to win. Scientists have looked into what makes people stray for years, and now new research is claiming there’s another factor: geography.A new survey of more than 2,000 people conducted by the online legal services marketplace Avvo suggests that people who live on the west coast are more likely to be cheaters.According to survey results, 20 percent of west coasters say they've cheated on a partner, compared to 17 percent of southerners, 16 percent of people in the northeast, and 10 percent of Midwesterners.RELATED: 6 Signs He's Probably Cheating on YouMen were also more likely to cop to getting some on the side, with 20 percent of those surveyed saying they've had sex with someone who wasn’t their partner. But let’s go back to the west coast...what’s that about? Licensed clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., says it may be more about where on the west coast most of the survey respondents lived. If people in larger cities participated, then she’s not shocked by the findings.“These cities are filled with transplants,” she says. “The very personality traits that lead to someone relocating are likely to result in greater openness, and that can also translate into more 'a-moral' behaviors, such as cheating.”RELATED: Should You ALWAYS Tell Your Partner if You Cheat?She points out that L.A. in particular might have a higher-than-normal rate of cheaters since it’s a creative city that “may be more populated by those higher in the trait of openness, which may be more likely to translate into infidelity.” Of course, psychiatrist Gail Saltz, M.D., author of Anatomy of a Secret Life: The Psychology of Living a Lie, points out that infidelity happens everywhere, and people who live on the west coast shouldn’t suddenly freak out and assume that their partner will cheat. She says other factors are much more likely to increase the risk that a person will cheat, like whether they’ve been raised with infidelity in their family, if they’re in a much more liberal environment where a lot of people aren’t getting married, and if there is a lot of cheating happening around them. “That will change your perception of how okay it is to be unfaithful,” she says.RELATED: If They Cheated Once, Will They Cheat Again?Of course, no cheating is good, and it sucks that anyone reports doing it.But there is a positive side to the study: Nearly 95 percent of the people surveyed say they’re happy in their relationship.So...yay?

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Turns out, real strip clubs are XXLame. As the release date for Magic Mike XXL draws nearer, you probably can't help but privately wonder if it’s possible to break YouTube by watching a trailer too many times . Visions of chiseled abs and naughty games on-stage dance through your head as you entertain the notion that maybe strip clubs aren’t all that bad. That is, until you actually go to one and realize the reality is far from the steamy scenes that made you pant your way through the first Magic Mike experience. Here, seven ways that actual male strip clubs are nothing like Channing Tatum's version.1. The M.C.The expectation: Some charismatic and sexy ringleader will start the night off by getting you in the mood with a sensual and exciting speech of some kind.The reality: If anyone is acting as an announcer for the night, it’s some nebbish guy in a sound booth who gets you about as riled up as a stalk of celery.RELATED: 9 Bachelor Party Stories Guys Swore They’d Never Tell2. The CostumesThe expectation: Each dancer will be dressed in a costume that sends your imagination reeling. From backless chaps to a pull-off fireman’s costume, these guys will rock sexy outfits that play on your fantasies while revealing just the right amount of buns and abs.The reality: If clothing is worn at all, it's hardly masculine and immediately stripped away to reveal a “banana hammock,” which makes the dancer’s “banana” look so large and floppy that all you can do is stare and wince as you imagine how painful it would be to take a member of that size on. 3. The On-Stage InteractionsThe expectation: If you're pulled on-stage, you'll be titillated with a dirty-yet-sensitive interaction that will send chills up and down your spine. All of your stage fright will dissipate because you'll be so hypnotized by the skills of the vagina whisperer in front of you that you won’t even notice hundreds of people are watching you.The reality: You'll go onstage only because your jerk friends pushed you up there. You'll immediately become self-conscious and realize how embarrassing it is to have hundreds of people watch as a stranger rubs his junk all over you. Through the entire ordeal, all you'll be able to think about is how soon this will be over, as you simultaneously struggle to pretend to act excited so as not to hurt the dancer’s feelings.RELATED: 10 Fun Ways to Use a Bag of Gummy Penises4. The ChoreographyThe expectation: The entire night will essentially be an adult version of those dance movies you secretly watch every time they’re on cable. There will be flips and breakdancing and maybe a moonwalk or two. This place will basically be Juilliard with butts.The reality: There may be a few hip thrusts and pelvic tilts, but the only real dancing will be the swing…of a spandex-wrapped penis that will be dangled in your face as you're expected to throw money at it. You will satisfy said swinging penis by giving it a few singles, but mostly because you kind of just want to make it go away.5. The Rowdy VibeThe expectation: You’ll be caught up in a tidal wave of contagious excitement. There will be squealing and cheering and maybe even a few fainters in the house.The reality: The audience will be comprised mostly of bachelorette parties who will realize, almost immediately, that they should have just played “pin the penis on the man” at the hotel instead. The crowd will be dotted with glow-in-the-dark veils that will bob up and down as brides-to-be are far too drunk to care about the show, much less become an active part of it. The biggest applause of the night will happen at the end—when you all learn that this is the last song.6. The Idea That It’s Really Fun to Have A Stranger Thrust Himself All Over YouThe expectation: Your eyes will be rolling back in your head over the pure joy and titillation that is skin-to-skin contact with an actual Adonis.The reality: As soon as one of the dancers starts to touch you, you feel skeeved out. Someone whose name you don’t even know is dripping sweat all over you as he grinds onto your thigh, and you’ll have to remind yourself that you paid to be here. On purpose.RELATED: 8 Signs You've Become a Bridezilla7. The Fantasy That the Dancers Are Somehow Mythical CreaturesThe expectation: These perfect, sexy angels exist only for our viewing pleasure. They don’t have lives outside of the strip club, and in fact, they just fly in on unicorns right before the show.The reality: Immediately, the fact that you are treating a human being like an object gives you a pit in your stomach. You want to focus on the show, but all you can do when you stare at those washboard abs is wonder why such a nice-looking boy doesn’t just go to grad school. You’ll then give him a good tip and hope that he’ll put it towards removing that horrendous tribal tattoo on his forearm so that he can get a job where he’s allowed to wear pants some day. 

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